I decided to wait to start my blog until I had time to really write something that would let you, the reader, understand a little about how I have come to the place that I am in my life this moment. I believe that it is only in understanding one’s past that you can truly know the person they have become. I grew up with a mother and father who started dating in high school, married in college, had their first child (me) at age 24, and are still together. Dad was dominant yet generally kind, although he expected a lot from me and made me feel really ashamed when I disappointed him. Mom was (and continues to be) very submissive to Dad, although he never exploits the advantage he has over her. Growing up, I identified more with Dad than with Mom, and viewed her as weak…someone to be pitied for her inability to be what I considered to be a full partner in their marriage.

I was a good kid, and received spankings only twice during my childhood – one of which I didn’t deserve but received because of a misunderstanding. I was an honor roll student and pushed myself very hard regarding both academics and extracurricular activities. Unfortunately for me, I was also involved in a gang, and as soon as Dad discovered the double life I was leading, he kicked me out. It took awhile to get my life together, and I spent several years pursuing relationships that were doomed from the start by my need to be with a dominant man and yet have complete control. I had a tendency to smother my partners and demand more from them than they were willing to give, which led to them (and in a couple of instances, me) cheating and me walking away.


After my divorce (which was particularly rough on me emotionally), I moved to Texas to make a fresh start, and discovered a whole new world opening up to me. I became  involved in the Texas pagan scene. I started meeting people for whom monogamy was not the norm. People who had relationships outside their primary one but were honest about it. I discovered people who were much happier and emotionally stable than the friends I had left back home. And a lightbulb went off in my head. I wasn’t sure if it would work for me, as controlling and jealous as I was….but I decided I needed to give it a try. And the amazing thing was, as soon as I knew I could trust my partner to be honest about whom else he or she was seeing, the less jealous and controlling I got. It seemed that a lot of my insecurities were tied to the not knowing and the dishonesty, not to the act itself. Becoming poly really took a big weight off my shoulders and I was able to let go and really enjoy my relationships.


I eventually met a guy who was not only pagan and poly, but also heavily into BDSM (although not the  scene).   I’ve always enjoyed being treated roughly, but had been a little intimidated by the darker side of sexuality. He took me to places I had never been before. He was  a sadist who got off on making me cry… and I was submissive to him, but only in the bedroom. I found that I liked being spanked and enjoyed a lot of what he did to me…but he often went to extremes that made me uncomfortable. I honestly didn’t trust him enough to turn over complete control of my life to him. In the real world, he was a fairly mild mannered guy who wanted his woman to control his finances and certain other aspects of his life. He was kind to me and held my interest because of the interest he showed me. Unfortunately, I found that while he claimed to be poly, he really liked to live a double life….making each woman he was with (other than me, his primary) think she was the only one. In truth, I found out that he wanted to be worshipped and would do anything to facilitate that, and after awhile I started feeling taken advantage of and left.


I’ve spent the past few months exploring relationships with different types of people. I was involved with a married poly couple, but they were not in a stable place in their marriage, so that didn’t work. I also became involved with a fairly “normal” guy, but got bored. I’ve found over the years that it takes a lot to make me content. I want someone who is confident and driven, who values their career but also their relationship with me. And I’ve had trouble finding someone to fill that void in my life. Everyone I find possesses some of the qualities I want, but never all.


And now….now I’m embarking on a new journey that I think might just be what I’ve been searching for. He is someone I’ve known socially for about three years. We’ve had a mild flirtation going on from the beginning, but never really pursued it. We had one physical encounter several months ago, but hadn’t seen each other again (we live in different cities and our paths just haven’t crossed) until fairly recently. We’ve spent a lot of time reconnecting and getting to know each other on a deeper level, and He has suggested we embark on a D/s (moving into M/s as ,y comfort level allows).   The thought is very intriguing to me.  I don't know whether He is the right person to explore this with (He has a lot of other obligations that make me doubt whether he has enough time to devote to me, and so I haven't said yes to his proposition), but I  am very excited about the prospect of exploring the option of belonging to Someone, be it Him or Someone else.   Only time will tell where this will lead me, but I’m looking forward to the journey more than I can say.