phil71 on Collarspace


phil789	phil79	phil78uk


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	I'm a very experienced dominant man who has been into various aspects of the D/s scene for more than 25 years. I've had the fortunate opportunity to have found people who share my interests and have learned a great deal about myself and also about the inherent nature of D/s as the result. I've come to the conclusion that D/s is a sexual orientation, just like being gay or straight. People may start at one end of the D/s scale and move in either direction - either becoming more dominant or more submissive as time goes on. However it seems clear to me that the basic essentials of their orientation remains the same. It is still a question of the power exchange and giving up control in the context of a scene or LTR. D/s as a sexual orientation has to be distinguished from whether a person is dominant or submissive in a particular role or a particular interaction. All primate and hence all human interactions are based in some way on dominance and submission. It is reflected in our langauge (boss/employee, father/child, teacher/student) and in most aspects of our lives. But it is possible for someone who is dominant in their personal life or ecomonic role to be submissive sexually or vice versa. Don't confuse personality type or the role someone has in society with their sexual orientation. There are lots of very vanilla people who are dominant in their professional life, but who would be absolutely shocked to experience the power exhange that occurs during D/s play. I'm into chatting with people about these issues and exploring their relationship to D/s and their feelings about what attracts them to the scene Unlike many of the people who claim to be dominants, I know that I am only human (its actually a status that I aspire to). I've had a few questions raised as to why do I call myself "the Imperfect". Of course it's in part a tounge in cheek reference to the fact that I'm not holding myself out to be super Dom, the perfect all seeing Master. That's one of my pet peeves about so much of what passes for domination on line. I have met many dominants who basically believe that they can do no wrong, that they are all seeing, all knowing, all powerful. My name here is simply to say that "that's not me". I'm less than perfect. I have only my own experiences in the scene to lead me. I don't have a copy of the Dom's Handbook and although I did know many people who were actually "Old Guard" in the 70's in SF, I don't claim that my style is "old guard". Most of the people in the Old Guard were gay men who died tragically of AIDS. I've run into a lot of dominants who claim, by various twists and turns of history to be the "true" heirs of their legacy. Personally I don't buy it. Most of what passes for "Old Guard" protocol is simply the personal beliefs of some martinet who has styled himself as a "Old Guard Master", and holds court based on some mythical link to the past. Of course the other part of being the Imperfect is that I'm also the Imp Perfect. I question the unquestionable beliefs that some people hold about various aspects of BDSM and D/s. I question the concept that I hear referred to as "training" as if there is some sacred text that is being referred to. Let's be honest, 90% of what passes for "training" is simply the personal sexual preferences of some dominant who has a less experienced or newbie playmate who is compelled to eat it all up like it is the gospel. That's not training, simply accomodiation to someone's preferences. So when I claim to be the Imp Perfect, I'm making a small joke about some claim that I simply can't abide having go by without comment. I'm a very sarcastic Imp who has been known to string someone along before bringing down the boom of outright disclosure in the full light of day.

2/13/2009 7:10:02 PM

On the role of scarcity in the scene online

I’ve been involved in D/s both before and after the advent of the internet and have observed some significant changes in behavior that give me some pause. I’m talking mostly about behaviours taking place in the heterosexual parts of the scene, and mostly between dominant men and submissive women. Before the internet you were introduced to people by “friends of friends”. D/s groups were small, everyone knew someone and it was common to be introduced to a prospective play partner by someone who you knew and trusted. Similarly, because we were largely closeted, these groups tended to be very insular and did not trust outsiders. The result of that was that after a period of growth, these circles would either turn inwards with lots of poly play or they would collapse due to personality conflicts and jealousy. Some circles from this time still exist as extended poly families, but they have largely disappeared.

Instead what has replaced the old forms of organization is the “marketplace” of the internet and the problematic behavior that concerns me. People have discovered their orientation on line and are now madly seeking partners. It is like the primitive and chaotic trading of commodities on the stock exchange. For dominants, there seems to be a trend towards trying to grab or acquire or “collar” as many subs as possible, as quickly as possible and with little attention to compatibility or common interests. I see this all the time. A dominants status on line is determined by the number of subs, bottoms and others that he can claim as “his”. This has also given rise to the positively absurd situation of “on line collars”. I can hardly believe that two persons, no matter what their apparent compatibility on line, would commit to a relationship that is supposed to be based on a reciprocal power exchange. Its like on line sex – mostly a masterbatory fantasy. Doms justify this as “poly” but it is really nothing more than on line enhanced swinging. On the submissive side of the equation there is equally ridiculous behaviours. Submissive women who discover their true sexual orientation rush to find someone who will be their “master” or to be “collared” as if it is some kind of necessary status to acquire to be seen by their subbie friends on line as ‘real”. I see women on line who have just discovered their submissive orientation one week and the next week are all gushy about the true perfect “Master”that they have found. Subs enter into all kinds of arrangements that no person in their right mind would even consider, throw caution to the winds and engage in all kinds of unsafe conduct. They rush to be “collared” by men who are most likely abusers passing as dominants, about who they know little or nothing and whose qualifications are mostly that they are on line and local. I have heard so many horror stories of abuse, stalking, harassment and injury that result from this trend. When novice submissives talk about their problems in on line chat rooms they are largely criticized, mostly by other subs as not being submissive enough. It has become a self-reinforcing circle of abuse and harassment. For those young or novice submissives who are unfortunate enough to want to go slowly, there are a host of additional problems. They are barraged by tons of messages, e-mails, chat requests, etc., often times literally driven off of the internet or forced into hiding. They are perceived to be a scare commodity that must be rapidly acquired before their shelf life has passed or before some other lucky dominant acquires them.

It is this sense of scarcity that drives this trend. We forget that about 8% of the population is D/s in some orientation or another. When the number of vanilla kinksters who seem comfortable in our midst are added in, there is no shortage of tops or bottoms, dominants or submissives. There is no scarcity, except in our minds. People need to remember this and take their time. There is no shortage of supply and it is unlikely to exist in the future. Get to know people in non play venues. Meet them socially for coffee. Have dinner – talk things over before going forward. Before making the collaring decision (if that needs to be made at all) be sure what you are getting into.