So what makes me think I am a Dom?
All of my life I’ve I very much enjoyed taking leadership roles with, and receiving power from, an eager and consenting partner. Nine years ago I began learning about D/s and BDSM and discovered a correlation between D/s and past relationship experiences which I enjoyed immensely. I enjoy being the one who sets the goals, assigns the tasks, gives the directions, and fulfils the leadership role. I am not a control freak in the guise of a Dom; instead I enjoyleading the willing, making the decisions, mentoring, and delegating tasks (including delegating authority).
Over the past seven years, when having made a good connection with a (submissive), I’ve enjoyed taking ‘responsibility’ for them and leading them into an environment for us both to enjoy. It is a heady experience when I know that the other person has put their full being into what they are adding and contributing.
I’m well aware that the power exchange of D/s is NEGOTIATED, not forced; and that it occurs by a sub’s fulfilling an active role with regards to instructions, tasks, and assignments as opposed to simply ‘yielding to demands’. Control is 'accepted,' not taken, even though it may appear to be that way; leadership and direction are given by the Dom.
What would I tell someone new to this?
I would tell a novice sub (or switch) to be aware that to be a Dom is not an excuse to be rude or abusive. Being a rude SOB isn't proof of dominance; it's proof that one has no manners and is socially stunted. Also, “Domination” (and BDSM) isn’t about being the selfish azzholes that we men can become, and it isn’t about acting out the (psychological or physical) aggression towards women that most men seem to have.
Not everyone is aware of the principle that a D/s relationship is formed from the bottom up, not top down; authority is given upward but it is exercised from the top. Since abuse arises where there is no consent, first boundaries are negotiated and only then a sub softly offers, "please express your desire and together we will act upon it without reserve unless I safeword." In my experience, a submissive will by her nature have a desire to make herself subservient to her partner... but of course a very special partner, ideally one for whom she feels great respect, love, and trust.
What is my philosophy regarding the D/s and power exchange dynamic?
In my view, a D/s relationship is about forming a friendship/relationship that is a yin-yang balance of complementary, not competing, roles. It is a moving stairway in which power flows from the bottom upwards, and the thoughtful exercise of that power flows down. It IS a relationship with an exchange of trust and respect in which each meets the others needs in ways that also meet their own needs. When trust and respect are exchanged both ways, only then are a Dom and submissive are both able to enter comfortably into their respective roles.
For me, a D/s relationship/friendship can easily exist without physical pain, humiliation, or degradation as the willing offering of oneself and ones efforts, the giving and the following, not just the 'surrender' of personal power by the submissive, is the key to the D/s relationship. A Dom’s control doesn’t come from a whip or a paddle; it comes from the sub herself. The flogger and paddle are simply toys they use together. D/s is NOT about searching for abuse or humiliation as that can easily be found; this is about wanting to give, and in exchange, to receive direction.
What am I looking for in a sub?
I’m looking for contribution (not just subservience) and for friendship; someone who is looking to be more by adding themselves to another and following their leadership and direction. I value enthusiasm, efficiency, and creativity; a desire to be led and to serve. I'm also amenable to someone who wants an 'owner' (as a slave) over a 'friend' or ‘Dom’.
I’m looking for a sub that is both willing and giving, to whom this flows naturally as a part of who they are. This “giving” is not just of efforts, but also of ideas and opinions offered in a graceful, respectful, and proper manner. I am definitely willing to consider the comments of a submissive partner as I am looking to integrate their strengths into mine. Other key attributes I highly value are Intelligence, Athleticism, and Creativity.
I don’t have a preconceived mold that a sub must fit into, instead I first learn what drives a sub (i.e. their needs, strengths, weakness, etc) and from there I can work to create a unique relationship. An experience stonecutter doesn't just start cutting; he instead looks at the grain and the composition of the stone before he exposes the image that he creates in his mind of what the stone can be.
What am I looking for in a Slave?
This is a more difficult topic as and in public as a ‘friend’). I have no problem whatsoever with referring to a sub in terms of ‘property’ whether she wants to experience life as a slave or a submissive.
Do I understand a sub’s needs?
I work hard at understanding a sub’s needs before exercising the authority offered because a key component of being a Dom is taking responsibility in a relationship; specifically taking on responsibility for someone else. A Dom cannot find happiness for long if his sub is unhappy. The power exchange relationship is to be of benefit to both, not just to one.
Many Domwannabe’s expect to discover the rewards of being a Dom but don’t really want to take on the responsibility. Moreover, it is important for a Dom to exercise self-discipline; a Dom who cannot exert discipline upon himself (or take care of himself) cannot be expected to take care of another.
It is important to me to understand a sub unique psychology, which is why I will suggest that replies to my profile include paragraph by paragraph commentary on this profile to let me know of ‘your’ thoughts on the topics I’ve written on here.
I’ve observed that successful D/s relationships involved the Dom understand the needs of the submissive first, for if he can meet her needs then many of the other problems that are so often encountered never then pop-up their heads. When a Dom disregards the needs and interests of the submissive, unhappiness for them both can only follow.
For the topic of pleasure:
There is a great deal of pleasure that can come from giving and a submissive experiences just one subset of these pleasures. As a Dom I would ideally like to find a sub with whom I can enjoy an entirely different subset of ‘the pleasures of giving’. The ‘pleasures of giving’ for a Dom come not from the giving of power, but through the exercise of power, authority, and control. A classic example of this is when I, using my creativity, create a scene and/or roles that both surprise and delight a sub. The key here is that a sub is not just giving but is also receptive, and a Dom, through the skillful exercise of control, can give her that which fulfills her psychological and physical desires. This sort of pleasure also occurs for a Dom when he has fully inserted himself between his sub’s ears and has learned the working of her mind and psyche, to please both her and himself and to further refine his exercise of authority. I don’t simply desire hedonistic pleasure; I desire to be good…. very, very good, at what I do, and from this I also receive pleasure.
A D/s relationship “CAN” exist without pain as the willing offering of oneself and ones efforts, the giving and the following, not just the surrender of personal power by the submissive, is the key to the D/s relationship. Pain and humiliation are not the central themes for me in a D/s relationship so being without either is fine by me. Both physical pain and humiliation it is not something that needs to be in a D/s relationship for me to call it ‘successful’ and a sub does not have to engage in masochistic behavior to please or entertain me. However, it should be noted that the willing endurance of discomfort to please a Dom is often a part of a sub’s willing gift. By now it should be clear that I am not a ‘lick my boot’ Domwannabe and that I have a strong understanding of the D/s dynamic.
Although a submissive might have a need to be ‘punished’ as part of a cathartic process (to be ‘wrong’, to be punished, and then to be ‘forgiven’ and cherished) I’m also not ‘actively’ seeking someone to punish or to intentionally trip up as my view is that, for an eager and hardworking sub, they will most often ‘fail’ because I most likely did not clearly explain my expectations. My natural state is to focus on ‘improvement’ and growth, not on ‘punishment’ or humiliation; therefore I’m looking for a sub who wants personal growth instead of ‘straightjacket’ relationship where they aren’t really allowed to succeed or grow
Here are the Questions:
1. Do you seek an authority figure?
2. Do you wish to become enamored by a caring, thoughtful individual who will give you structure and goals, who you want to accept what you offer, and who will by his nature let you have in return?
3. Do you search for a knowledgeable Dom who has your respect and trust, leaving yourself able to concentrate on enjoying other parts of your own nature or those of fantasy identities?
4. Do you wish to either relinquish control or do you wish to "give," and to do so completely in a way that goes beyond the generally accepted societal norms?
If you can answer yes to any of the above questions then I suggest that you contact me. A particularly good technique for starting a dialogue with me is to write a “paragraph by paragraph” commentary on this profile text. Your commentary and thoughts on what I have written will help communicate to me where your own ideas and interests parallel mine and where they differ.
Conclusion:
Hopefully by now I have shown that I “get it” when it comes to understanding D/s. I’ve been active in the St. Louis scene for Seven years and have made numerous friends in the local BDSM community. I can introduce someone new to a wide range of styles and tastes through those I know in the local BDSM community. Most importantly, those in my friends list can act as references, as that all have met me in person and many are the people that I hang out with locally in the local scene.
Now that you’ve made it all the way through this profile text, here’s a little reward:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cJOZp2ZftCw
Do contact me if you find what I’ve written to be of interest to you.
And you can always go to http://thedomsview.com/Vol9/Q2/feature4.htm to read and article that I wrote that was reprinted with my permission at "The Dominant's View"