I have decided to create a new profile on Collarme.com as it has been a long time, and much has changed. My old profile was midnightslave. It has been 5 years since I have been dominated. That is a terribly long time for one with a truly submissive heart.
I loved a man for many years, who was most assuredly NOT a dom, and cared so little for my desires as to entirely shun the submissive heart of me. He has left my life. I still have feelings for him, but I know he didn't treat me well. I never want to be in a vanilla relationship again.
At one point I looked up at the hooks on the back of my bedroom door, filled with floggers, wrist restraints, rope etc. that I had carefully and lovingly bought with my own money; and considered giving my collection away to my other submissive friends, as I felt like I would never have those items used on me again.
That was a stupid thought, and I am glad I did not act on it. I deserve to honour my desires. I deserve happiness. I deserve the freedom to be who I truly am, without fear of being laughed at.
So here is where I am now.
I need pain. I need suffering, guided by the hand of a dominant, one who will give me the release I seek. To suffer willingly and prove to myself and the world how strong I am. To be cleansed of my previous vanilla encounters, to be punished for hiding my submissive nature.
I am submissive, I have always been submissive, ever since I started with romance and sex, it is who I am, it is what I always crave. The 5 year drought has not changed how I feel, or who I am, and during that time I never craved it any less.
There is 5 years of built-up yearning and pain inside me, begging for a release. I will cry, but I need to cry. I want to come home. But it is so hard to return to myself, to being my submissive self, without a dominant to match me. One cannot dominate oneself.
So I am seeking, hoping to find someone that I can actually submit to.
The catch of course is that I do not always feel submissive to someone, even if they are a dom and are lovely. It's a spark of lightning that is very specific and can not be summoned at will.
I am not seeking love. I want love, I want so very much to be loved and to be allowed to love in return, but I am not ready for love.
But I am ready, in fact I am 5 years overdue, to submit.
There are a lot of emotions inside me at the moment. I am 25, I am very poor and I am trying to get myself out of poverty, I am trying to reassemble my life. I can do this alone, I do not need help, but I certainly do not need to be deterred from it. So what I mean to say is that I can not ruin my life for anyone, I can not let my life turn to ash, I need to survive. I need to look after myself. And to look after myself I need to be given time to attend to the tasks I must do. I need to find some way to earn money. I want to learn how to drive. I want to get back into my creative writing again.
My life is not gloomy however, I have a garden I tend to with love, I have two adorable cats that depend on me and make my life beautiful, I have the best brothers in the world and I love my mum (even though we sometimes conflict) and my dad (even though I never see him), I also have one very loyal best friend, and a bunch of other friends I see once a week. So although I am poor and unloved (romantically), I am wealthy in my love for life.
So what can I give to you? Not my heart, not all at once. I know I am able to feel sexual attractions towards people, and well as a strong level of emotional intimacy. If you are a good match for me I could trust you, and that is a very precious thing indeed.
I can offer willing graceful service. I would like to be as graceful a slave as I can be. I want to create beauty and comfort with my every action. I can offer a passionate sexual nature, wild as a fox and sacred as a whore. I can offer my companionship. I am a caring person, and tend to be ridiculously loyal. I am shy at first but amongst friends I can be silly, because I like to make them laugh and feel at ease. I am a good listener. I am passionate, I am wild, I am deep. I would LOVE to meet someone who likes those qualities in me, and who also has depth to them.
What I would like? I want you to release me, in the way only a dominant can.
Thank you for taking your time to read my ramble, please contact me if you think I would suit you. I apologise in advance to those lovely dominants whom for whatever reason I do not click with. I don't want to explore the dark and light twined delights of our world with someone I do not feel for, and I would not like to waste your time with a hollow encounter.
