PersephoneAwake

ANEW

CHANGES

GENEROSITY

MANTRA II

it remembers years ago its grandmother would make it say it prayers at night.  At the time it didn’t much understand why and secretly thought Grandma was silly to be so afraid that she had to beg some unseen entity to help her out.  Worse she was afraid that something would happen to everyone else and had to ask for help for them too.  Every time Grandma mentioned its name in her prayers a little bit of fear rose in it. 

Well, that is very much how doing its mantra started out months ago.  Master told it do the mantra once daily for 10 minutes.  Supposedly the mantra would morph into some sort of way for it to calm and center itself.  In the back of this slave’s mind was one skeptical thought, “Right!”  it could not understand how repeating words that it wasn’t certain it totally believed could work.  Besides, repeating something was not going to make the mantra true.  But it figured that complying would not be harmful, so it did.

How funny, thinking back, why it complied at that time too.  Even its motivations for doing so have changed.  Before it came to trust Master, everything was judged based on whether or not it thought something would be beneficial.  If it was not sure that following the directions would benefit it, the next litmus test was “Would this harm me?”  (You know back when it still called itself “me”).  Now, it knows that Master really just seems to know better.  Yes, yes… it knows how trite and blindingly trusting that sounds.  But to be frank, He’s earned that trust, partially through this whole mantra thing.

After the first mantra finally sunk in, it had a point where saying those words gave it a time during the day to pause and focus on Master.  Strange how every time it looks back on those first words, they take on a deeper and richer meaning for it.  “A slave should always be a benefit to its Owner and never a burden.  Being a proper slave is to always seek to serve the Owner with its best, never expect anything from the Owner in return, and to always be thankful for what the Owner does grant to the slave.”  Those words seemed rather radical to it at the time.  But Master did not push it into “believing” the words that seemed so abstract to it.  it simply had to repeat them.

However, the mantra that gave it the hardest time was the one where Master said it was beautiful.  it simply could not internally accept His words.  After all, its entire life it had identified as “cute” and it wondered secretly what game Master was playing.  Could He not see that it was “cute” not beautiful.  it kept trying to rationalize His words.  it agonized over them trying to ascertain what beautiful was in whatever foreign language Master seemed to speak.  More than once it cried doing this mantra, it was frustrated, ashamed and at times angry.

One day it dawned on it that if God loved it and nothing God created was ugly… why wouldn’t Master think it was beautiful? Granted, it was really a type of round-about thinking.  Yet at the time, His words finally made sense.  That mantra finally was something it could relate to without feeling vain or hypocritical.  After a while something strange began to happen when it did its mantra, which was now up to twice a day, it began to relax and allow the words to wash over it rather than its brain racing the entire time.  And at one time when it disappointed Master it missed having those words to calm it and to feel connected to Him.

What is funny now is since then, it has come to realize that Master’s words should simply be believed.  For this slave that is a radical thought.  Partially because it has not known many people that keep their word, so deep down inside it doesn’t believe much of what people say they think of it.  it usually assumes people flatter it because they want something.  But Master has been so consistent that it trusts Him to mean what He says and to follow through with any promises.

Given that premise, that Master’s words should be believed, its most recent mantra has caused it no end of arousal.  Master has made it look at itself for the sexual and needy slave that it is and its daily reminders (now up to three times since it at home for a bit now) have it thinking of Master more and more often. 

Until recently its mantras have been relatively short.  This one was much, much longer and so it wrote down and simply read it each day.  That is, until Master gave it a pop quiz one day to see if it knew its mantra!  Needless to say, it has memorized the mantra now.   Who knew Master would test it?

That memorization has come in handy though.  As Master has it exploring more, during times when things are difficult only its mantra has been able to calm it down enough to complete orders.  When it is frustrated with people, it recites its mantra, reminding itself what it is and where its focus should be.  it never expected its mantra to be a part of its daily life.  However, much like its prayers, the mantra is now a source of comfort and inspiration and a peek into a grander design.

SENSATIONS

it has never felt that it was a masochistic person.  In fact when it discovered that D/s was considered part of BDSM it balked at that categorization.  However, it was drawn to so much of D/s that inevitably it found itself at first dabbling here and there with pain.  it never stopped to consider the myriad of things that it already did that fell into that realm.

As it has journeyed, it has found that while it knew it liked having its hair pulled and its ass spanked that those sensations expanded to other things.  its reactions to certain stimuli had it review its past behavior and it realized that there were lots of clues that it had just never thought about or considered that all hinted at its burgeoning masochism.  This acknowledgement forced it to look more closely at its reactions both past and present.

it has often bitten itself, somehow taking deeper satisfaction if a mark was made and lasted.  The remaining ache somehow nearly as pleasurable as making that mark.  it has dug its fingers into its skin, scoring itself lightly, afraid that if it did more, that would mean something was wrong with it.  Yet it couldn't help but secretly do little things where the pain was sweet.  Even now it finds itself plucking hairs that could more quickly be waxed or threaded.

Master has been key in its learning, always pushing it to think (imagine that!) and to discover for itself what fits and what doesn't.  Master kindly allowed it to experiment with some painful sensations on its own, with His guidance and direction.  it felt at times that there would be things that would make it say, "Enough!"  How shocked it was to discover that a wooden spoon or clothes pin could egg it into orgasms that fell between pain and pleasure...orgasms that were explosive and somewhat scary.

While it was frightened it was also thrilled.  it thought about how Master has slowly led it to a place where not only did it trust Him, but that it wanted to see how it would react.  it wanted to see how far it could be pushed.  it wanted even when touching without pain, to feel some, as if the pain somehow seasoned the sensations, bringing them into sharper, brighter and sweeter focus.  

Luckily, Master has been there to guide it to make sure that it is not going to far or too fast, watching over it carefully regardless of how small or big a leap it made.  Ever at the helm of this journey, Master has been the person to help it sift through its feelings and to think through the haze of physical overload with a clarity it envies.  Those are the times that it is reminded why Master is Master... while this slave is allowed to surf the waves of its endorphin highs with freedom, knowing that it is safe within Master's care.

Yet at times, it cannot imagine how it would react in person with Master.  In fact it is a bit frightened of how much it may lose its sense of self in that moment.  it can't help but think, 'Will that matter?  Or will it be so caught up in surrendering everything that it would no longer be a choice, but a need?'  That is something it thinks about a lot.  it is not frightened so much about what Master might do to it as much as how much it will lose itself as it surrenders to sensation, to desire, and to Him.

CONNECTIONS

Years ago when it had its very first relationship, it kept things to itself. it never discussed the relationship with any girlfriends or family members.  it felt very much that it didn’t need, nor want the opinion of others.  it had never really had many close girlfriends and talking to them about emotions or sex felt awkward and somehow wrong.  it never really connected with its friends in a way that allowed it to feel comfortable being that open with them.

Aside from its marriage, it has kept that same pattern.  During its marriage it made the mistake of talking to a couple of its aunts, hoping for advice on whatever it was doing wrong.  Nothing could have been more confusing to it.  it failed to realize that a third party usually will create more problems.  Besides its relatives could hardly be impartial.  In hindsight, it feels that its original method was probably a better choice.

it currently has a very good friend that it is close to, one with whom it has shared a few of its secrets.  Although its friend is wonderful and loyal, she does not always know when to keep her mouth shut, so it has learned to still keep much to itself.  So, it is strange to it that is able to divulge so much to Master without worrying that He will tell anyone.  it has full confidence in His ability to keep its secrets.  it is also learning that Master is more accepting of it and its foibles than most people that have been in its life.  (Well, of course its children must think their mom is perfect… right?)

Because of this disparity in trust, it has found that it tells its good friend less and Master so much more.  Master is whom it rushes to tell good news… or bad.  Master is to whom it talks when it is working something out mentally.  it imagines what He would say, what He would advise.  Though to be fair, it does not always listen and can be impulsive.  In short, over this time, Master has become its best friend. 

Though perhaps that term is not accurate.  Master told it once that it was not His friend, it was His slave.  it was quite hurt at that pronouncement.  Not His friend?  Why?  This felt like it was friendship.  

But much like how it has explained to its children that it is their mother, not their friend, it began to understand what Master meant.  Being His slave is a much deeper connection, one that friendship can only hope to approach, and ultimately much more satisfying.

This connection has enriched its life, but it has also clarified for it what it does and does not want in its relationships with its friends and family members.  it has withdrawn sharing certain things with people because their responses were not those that it felt were supportive, nor constructive.  In many ways it has distanced itself from them and feels a separation that was not created by Master, but rather by the consistency and trustworthiness Master has shown it.

While being Master's slave may not include the title of "friend", it knows that this relationship does include all the acceptance and support that being His slave offers.

ORCHESTRATION 

The last several weeks have been eye opening for this slave, or should it say "ear opening". it has experienced directly the difference between hearing and listening. Though that difference is one it thought it knew, it is not one it has given thought to. Well, at least not much thought. it has learned that listening includes not just following instructions, but also not interpreting on Master's behalf. Nor does it include deciding for itself what would please Master more. it is simple. Do as instructed... if it is uncertain... ask Master. (it's 12 year old would say, "Duh, Mom! You always say to ask if you don't know something!") 

it recently had a period of time mostly free of family obligations, only work really interfered, and that experience was so freeing for it. To be able to focus on pleasing Master was a heady feeling, it loved that and craves more. it had that before moving to Florida, the freedom to focus on Master and it misses it greatly. it seems nothing comforts it more than knowing what is expected of it and being able to follow through. Without that guidance, it wastes time, dilly dallies, procrastinates and makes excuses to itself. 

Though it is fully capable of taking care of itself, its children and can run its life...things just seem SO much better when Master orchestrates things and it follows directions. Anytime it has not followed directions, things have not turned out well for it. From taking a job that didn't pan out to feeling that it had failed at exploring the more mundane side of slavery. it has learned that Master apparently does know best. Any time it went off and decided things contrary to what Master may have suggested or ordered, the results have been rather humbling. 

One thing in particular was its eating schedule. Master had given specific instructions and this one did not listen and follow through, nor did it comply in the best manner. it made the instructions more strict and harsh when Master had already crafted it in a way to encourage success. When it cracked, the reasons and the suddenness seemed a mystery to Master. But looking back, it sees all its missteps, especially since attempting the eating schedule again has been vastly different.  

This time it surrendered any need to maintain even a semblance of control, abandoned its fears and really listened...really followed instructions...and suddenly what was torture has become a rather nurturing part of its life. it never knew something as simple as oatmeal could offer succor when it felt upset. Yet, it has found itself comforted by the sameness and the predictability. Who knew? 

Months and months ago, it had conducted an experiment. it lived a morning doing what (at that time, Master was "Sir") Master would want. it remembers vividly how smoothly that morning went. No fighting with its children. Everyone was out on time...it was symphonic it seemed. Everything, everyone, every note was in harmony for that morning. it was better suited it seemed to living up to another's expectations of it. What a revelation! Asking itself, "What would Sir want?" seemed to clarify everything for it. 

it still has a long way to go before asking not only, "What would Master wish?" but also just simply asking Master directly is a reflex. But it feels a change in it. This month has served as a reminder of that experimental day. A reminder to allow itself to simply exist as Master's instrument and to give Him the right to play with abandon...to be filled with His symphony...His orchestration... His Mastery. 

Thank You, Master!

it

i have been on a journey into submission and surrender.  i have found out many surprising things about myself, some good and some disappointing. Through every step Master has been with me, guiding me and patiently allowing me to discover for myself why He has instructed me to learn certain things, or complete things in a particular order.  While He has ever been privy to the road map for our journey, He has also been accepting of my natural reactions.  At times Master has encouraged me to explore and at other times He has asked me to wait until a more appropriate time.

One of the things that has played out in my mind has been calling myself "it."   i have greatly enjoyed various forms of objectification and somehow this small word would have me suddenly and inexplicably aroused.  i was quite embarrassed when i revealed this to Master, not because i thought He would judge me for it, but because we'd briefly discussed at one point how unwieldy speaking in third person can be.  

When Master asked me to read a journal of a slave that wrote in the third person, i tried it out for a few days, making Master a bit concerned that i was jumping into something without much thought.  But it was not a new thought and those few days were both challenging (so hard at times to not refer to yourself naturally as "i", especially when offering an opinion) and unbearably arousing.  Calling myself "it" felt right for lack of a more descriptive word.  The term gave me a satisfaction that i find difficult to express.  But at the time the feeling i had was one where i'd slipped into something that was surprisingly comfortable and i felt more myself being removed from my identity.  i felt i could focus more properly on Master.... on His wishes... on pleasing Him.  i became more His, His tool, His cunt, His slave.

Doing so was also in many ways acknowledging much of how i felt and did not know how to show or say.  That i wanted a strong hand to keep me in check and part of that was pushing what i wanted aside to focus on what Master wanted.  i had no intention of being a martyr and "sacrificing" myself to Master. Where would the satisfaction be in that?  Making myself unhappy would not make Master happy.  i did not feel that i was leaving my identity to please Master, but rather pleasing Master in showing Him my true self.  i felt that leaving my created identity (bit by bit) unveiled my core to Master and allowed Him to shape it to fit Him.  

i had become so used to what people thought i was that unthinkingly, i often lived up to what that definition was.  Daughter, sister, niece, employee, friend, ex...  My identity was only partially self-created and very much a product of my interactions with others in life.  Master spurred me to really think about what it meant to be "me."  i concluded that much of myself would still be the same, because the core of me was something Master valued and wanted to polish... not demolish.  Even as an "it"... i would be me... just a different incarnation.

i happily surrender calling myself "i" and embrace being it, knowing that Master has always seen it for who and what it is.

DISPLAY

Your eyes touch

this flesh before Your hand does

Traveling over the landscape

Peaks and valleys prickled with cold

Trailing along the dips and hollows

Until i am wet with want

Your hands touch

this flesh before Your mouth does

Gliding upon the smooth canvass

The rise and fall of gilded skin

Guiding Your way to its center

Until You are hard with desire

Your mouth touches

this flesh for a breath-filled moment

Brushing against the nape where

Fingers clasp in desperation

 as You nudge a trembling limb

Until i am fully… displayed… revealed

MARKED

You can write upon my body
Those words that to You
Mean the most
Whore
Slut
Bitch
Cunt
You can write them in red lipstick
In permanent marker
Even use the canvass of my skin
For Your watercolors
Your oils
Your scent
You can scribble Your name
Or in a caligrapher's hand
Write
Property
Slave
You can even take a knife 
Cut into skin and flesh
Marking a route
Scoring your way
You can take up the handle 
Of a brand
Sear it into my tender meat
Your name
Your mark
Or You can kiss me
Your love
Your claim
Seeping into my soul
Writing
Painting
Etching
Scoring
Searing
It into my essence
That i am
Yours

(To my Master... i think that this has become more and more true.)

DISTINCTIONS

i don't want to be

         Your girlfriend

         when Your mouth

                  devours my pierced flesh

                  reminding me

                  whose mark i bear

i don't want to be

         Your girlfriend

         when Your fist

                  tightens my pearled noose

                  and my breath

                  stutters to life

i don't want to be

         Your girlfriend

         when Your face

                  commands my trembling heart

                  whispering to me

                  whose slave i am

i don't want to be

         Your girlfriend

         when Your voice

                  urges me to my knees

                  and my tongue

                  bows to Your will

i don't want to be

         Your girlfriend

         when Your flavor

                  fills my narrowing world

                  enveloping me

                  mastered and Yours

MANTRA

My mantra has played a key role in my exploration of slavery. It is what has helped me to see the inner core of me when i was afraid to peek within myself. It is what has led me peace when i least expected it. As i look back i know i did not expect the changes that this seemingly simple exercise has wrought.

The first mantra Master gave me was the following:

A slave should always be a benefit to its Owner and never a burden. Being a proper slave is to always seek to serve the Owner with its best, never expect anything from the Owner in return, and to always be thankful for what the Owner does grant to the slave.

i remember thinking that i wasn’t sure that i could believe those words, yet they somehow sunk in and soon i felt them keenly as i spoke them each day. Each repetition my mantra gained more meaning to me.

i have steadily fallen deeper into my burgeoning need to surrender and each stage has been accompanied with a different mantra. my current one is as follows:

my Master is proud to own this beautiful and sensuous slave.

It sounds simple enough, but this was the mantra that gave me the most difficulty. i could not, or perhaps i should say, would not believe that i was beautiful. i could accept cute without issue. Adorable? No problem! But beautiful was not what came to mind when i saw myself.

It was literally months later that it suddenly dawned on me… why couldn’t i be beautiful? In fact, how could i not be? The Universe had graced me with me with life, beauty and love, i only had to acknowledge it and to accept its bounty.

Master, my ever-patient guide, can see me, the heart of me. It has been through the gift of my mantra that i have accepted the gift of myself. The full power and beauty of me revealed, so that i may in turn lay all of me at His feet without shame and without reservation.

Thank You, Master!

Year in Review

As i look back and mentally review the past year, i am amazed to admit that it’s moved in the most surprising direction.  i set out last year determined to explore my submissiveness.  i flirted, chatted and cybered myself into a stupor of sorts.  i didn’t really expect anything aside from learning more about myself.  i did learn something, that i wanted a relationship.  But i didn’t feel equipped to have one when so many things in my life were up in the air.  i felt that in order to find what i needed, i had to put my life in order.

So, i decided to take a break from playing online and just hung around the chat rooms.  i took time to make friends that encouraged me not just to step outside of my box, but also to examine why i needed a box.  i met people that caught my interest and at times i found myself hoping that perhaps i could explore things with them, but it was not to be.

Yet, in one of the rooms, there was someone that i’d always found funny, but never thought to really get to know.  i assumed He was just one of many married men seeking a bit of slap and tickle on the side.  i was wrong.  A simple conversation blossomed into friendship and currently i couldn’t imagine my life without Him in it.

i could go on forever about all the wonderful qualities that He brings to our budding relationship, but it is not necessary as He knows exactly how i feel.  i will say however, that in a year full of surprises both good and bad that Master has been THE best of them all.  He has brought added joy and laughter to my life.  He has been able to get me to open up when i have least expected it and has taught me that when trust is present, fear dissipates.

As i look back, i can only be utterly grateful that the Universe has offered me a chance at happiness with such a wonderful person.  Someone that never forgets how closely human is to humane.  Someone not perfect, but perfect for me. 

Thank You, Master and Happy New Year from Your incandescently happy slave.

p.s. Lucky for me, He's not married. 

HAPPINESS

My Master is back from a break and i'm over the moon. i'm not someone that exposes their emotions easily, i tend to keep things to myself a bit. But, i find myself uncaring if He knows He has me in the palm of His hand.... it's just how it is with Him.

It has been incredible to me that our relationship has developed with such relative ease. No drama, no hysterics... just unfolding naturally and with deepening understanding. i cannot thank the Universe enough for bringing into my life someone so profoundly caring and wonderfully intelligent.

It seems happiness is not that difficult to find... if you just allow it to find you.

*note to Master*

Have You seen the keys to the basement? i swear i had You locked in there, but You seem to escape regularly. Anyone would think that You're in charge! *blows a kiss*

BOUNDARIES

i have always enjoyed having family and friends in my life. Yet, recently certain events have occurred that have made clear to me that i need better boundaries in place.

In fact, i would say in the instance of family boundaries have to be drawn where none previously existed. As for my friends, i am surprised by the liberties that a couple have taken under the guise of friendship. These are things that i can no longer and will no longer tolerate.

Anytime anything good or vaguely exciting happens with me i have a few select people with whom i share and on a whole they are trustworthy. But recently i have been stepping out of my box, stretching my wings so to speak, and it's been fantastic. However, there come along people that see this not as growth, but as a sign that something is wrong with you. i find it both amusing and interesting that these are the same people that were running wild while i was holding down a job and taking care of myself.

So, i'm telling these people, not back off, not mind your business, but simply i am uninterested in your opinion. Why waste my breathe explaining to the close-minded? i would rather watch Ancient Discoveries or Star Trek re-runs. Better yet The Cosmos...i love Carl Sagan's narrative.

In terms of friends who have recently overstepped the lines of friendship, again my message is simple. i don't have time for those who are disrespectful to me or mine. No lecture, no explanations, just how it is.

While i've come to these decisions i have realized that these events would not have occurred if i have managed my expectations and boundaries of these relationships more effectively. Lesson learned. Just a friendly warning to the survivors, the electricity on the fence is now live.

p.s. Thank You to my Master for being so supportive during this stressful time.

TRANSITIONS

Sometimes, things change.  A flicker of light can suddenly burn brightly when filled with the breath of life. 

AzDomGuy is now my Master.  i look forward to the next part of our journey together, knowing that He will hold my hand along the way.  He is my friend, my guide, my Master.

GOING THE DISTANCE

i remember blithely telling Sir that i was willing to do the work necessary to make this journey with Him.  How foolish i feel in hindsight!  Yet, that is my trademark, hoping for the best always.  Crossing my fingers as i jump off that bridge, praying the whole time..."Please don't let me hit the concrete!"

Well, last night surely felt like the concrete was looming mighty close to my face.  i was on the tail end of my first big assignment.  My first test of my willingness to sacrifice time and self in order to please Sir.  i won't speculate as to whether or not i have, that is up to Him entirely.  It is completed, turned in and now in His hands.  However, i must admit to a kernel of sheer panic spreading in my tummy and heralding that the deadline was upon me.

Of all times for me to have not swallowed my pride and taken the extra day that was offered.  How foolish, counter-productive and plain and simple.....self-indulgent.  i am no longer concerned if Sir is satisfied with what i have turned in to Him...not at this moment that is.  i am still soaking in the teaching moment that this has become. 

This is not about me impressing Sir, though, i would hope to as much as possible.  It is not about me even feeling a sense of satisfaction at a job well done.  It is about listening, communicating and ultimately pleasing Him as directed.  Not filtered through how *i* think it should be done.  But actually letting go and being guided by Him and trusting that His vision of the end result is one that will encourage my growth and learning. 

What is worse is that i know this intellectually.  It makes perfect sense to me.  It is much harder to internalize it and make the abstract concrete.  But i am still willing to put in the work and to go the distance.  Granted, i have had only glimpses of what is waiting for us should i make it, but it is well worth it in my opinion.

THE DOLL

I have never been the sort of person that shares my innermost self easily. I hide inside myself like a set of Russian nesting dolls. Seemingly safe and secure, or so I feel.

Now and then there come along people that wish to peer inside. To see what I'm hiding underneath the layers. Most, I am impervious to. No matter how much they knock and bang, the seam never parts. There are some that I allow a glimpse to the figure below the first outer doll. Then the few that I allow to peel away the layers, plucking out the core. Those are few and far between.

I have flitted my way through life, smiling, laughing and on a whole not absorbing much of the static that buzzes around me. Happily self-absorbed and self-involved. Allowing myself to drift into things then wondering how that situation came to be.

But something changed not long ago. I felt the need to have a sense of control. To be a better person than I was. Not to be a doll, always pleasant, rarely feeling. To give in to the emotions roiling deep within me. To be more aware of those I touch, more sensitive, more caring, more giving.

I will not always get it right as I shed each shell. I have tripped. I have fumbled. I have hurt. But I am trying with each step to be more human. After all, doesn't every marionette secretly long to be real?

SECURITY

As human beings we all need a measure of security in our lives. That feeling that regardless of what might happen we will survive. That need for emotional sustenance.

It varies from person to person. It can be monetary, knowing that your needs and perhaps your wants will be met. It can be a routine, providing the rhythm for your life. It can be the people you have around you, their presence alone reassuring and solid. So many variations.

After a lifetime of flux, I find that I, too, crave security. I would like to know that I can provide for myself and my children. And that I give my family a rhythm to dance through life. But what I crave isn't money or waking up everyday at 5am to start my day. What I desire most is companionship.

I know you're thinking doesn't everyone want that? To an extent you're right. Having someone to share your life is likely a universal desire. Knowing you will wake up with this person, that they are there for the quiet moments as well as the big ones. It is a very comforting feeling.

But I am a bit greedy and I want more than just a warm body in a bed. More than someone to hold my hand at a sunset. All of that is well and good. I need someone whose actions matches their words. Someone who follows through on what they say they will do. Someone who I know without doubt that I can depend on, always. Someone who will hold me equally accountable.

The search has proved daunting. But I am convinced that it exists and I'm not settling for less. I've often thought perhaps I was being picky, but doubting myself before has only landed me in less than fulfilling relationships. Ones where I resented my partner for not being what I really wanted.

Perhaps part of my problem is that I have always been pretty self-sufficient. I like knowing that I can set a goal and achieve it if I wish. That I am not totally dependent on any one person, should they decide to disappear. Which in the past left me unwilling to candidly admit what I wanted.

Fear has a way of incapacitating us. While what I desired was that one special person, I was also terrified to take that chance. To entrust a portion of my happiness in their hands. To hand over the reins of control fully.

Something dawned on me during this search. Maybe what I wanted would only appear if I gave in to what I needed. The need to face my fear of giving into someone.

So, as my vision for what I need has become clearer, so has my determination to be patient and trusting. I am patiently waiting for that opportunity to explore submission. More importantly, I am trusting the universe to deliver to me what I need, not what I want.

Perhaps, only in releasing that fear and surrendering control will I discover true security.

ABANDONMENT


The prospect of giving up control to another terrifies me.  I can surrender for a short period of time and with definitive boundaries.  But to release control totally without limitation is not something I think I can do.  To be utterly abandoned in the moment.  To have total trust.  To have complete faith.  It is more terrifying than sky diving to me.

I have yet to come across anyone that inspires total trust, complete faith and the will to abandon myself to it.  To sky dive into the unknown jaws of pleasure and pain.  There is always a kernel of me that does not wish to be that open.  That expects disappointment and hurt and it's a leaden ball that sits at the core of me.  It is the lynch pin in the lock to my heart, solid and uncompromising.    

Chances are that I will only skate the edges of joy, gleaning only bits and pieces for myself.  But it is a fate I've resigned myself to until abandonment grabs my hand for that scariest sky dive of all.

I'VE GOT IT COVERED!

I've always been an emotional coward.  It's so much easier to be alone.  No risk.  Then again no reward.  Life has a way of dangling what I want just out of my reach.  If I lean for it...do I fall flat on my face?  Do I grasp the prize?  I suppose there is only one way to find out.  But I hate getting cuts and bruises!  Not to mention dirty...ew!

That being said.  The new year looms and I feel the urge to evaluate where I am and where I want to go.  But I've realized that this self-reflection has been a theme for me this year.  I've tried things I never would have a year ago.  Met people.  Made friends.  Grown in immeasurable ways.  So while I may not be where I want, I know I am just a little better than I was last year.  Over all 2009 is not quite the loss that I initially would have chalked it up to be.  And isn't that what really matters?  If you've grown, learned, dammit...something that doesn't leave you stagnating in the mire that life can sometimes drag you into.  So I get a few bruises, the dirt won't kill me.  I can always take a shower and I'm stocked up on the Neosporin.  Roll on life...I've got it covered!