passionateheat

Six years ago today an empty spot was left in a number of lives. He set a standard that few can compare to. He gave of himself in ways few ever do. He was the measure of a man that few aspire to be & even less become. He may be gone from here, but certainly not forgotten.

i did not post anything on the 22nd this year. It does not mean i forgot or that the pain is any less. It simply means my schedule seems a bit more hectic this year. i still cried. i still miss you Dad.

Life is too short to wake up with regrets.. So love the people who treat you right. Forget about the one's who don't. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands.  If it changes your life, let it.  Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.. 

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of craziness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you.
~ Rita Mae Brown.

... hmmmm... i resemble that... and i?m crazy enough to know it. Oh well, just because there is a medication for it, that does not mean it works for everyone.

You're about to embark on an extraordinary opportunity or relationship. Be receptive and open to the influences that are intent on presenting you with experiences that will shape your mind, body and soul if only you are willing to relax your sense of control and deal with what comes your way. There's no need to decide one way or the other what your course of action will be. Instead, watch, wait and listen for your golden chance.

...if only.... and right now i have a death grip on my control. had to learn this from necessity.

Be daring, be different, be impractical,
be anything that will assert integrity of purpose

and imaginative vision against the play-it-safers,
the creatures of the commonplace,
the slaves of the ordinary.
~ Sir Cecil Beaton

i constantly test myself. Brain test, Psych test, IQ test, etc. i have this constant desire to learn more about myself (even if no one else wants to), but to constantly do more to improve myself.

The results from a recent personality test:

You are fairly introverted, generally preferring to interact with a few close friends rather than a large group. Introverts tend to be reserved and quiet, and less involved in social interaction than the more outgoing extroverts. While extroverts tend to feel lonely and withdrawn when denied the company of others, introverts relish time alone. They tend to deal with problems on their own rather than seeking out advice from others. Introverts also tend to have a more active imagination and complex inner world.

No surprises for me there. This could explain why i able to go into such deep subspace. It is a time when i can go so deep within myself. It is that place where i finally feel safe. i was once cautioned to always remember that i must return to the ?real? world. i always wonder what that One saw to make Him say that. He recognized what a temptation it was for me.

Listening to your heart is not simple.

Finding out who you are is not simple.

It takes a lot of hard work and courage to

get to know who you are and what you want.

~ Barbie

Some wonder why i am so overly cautious with my trust. Guess i am so weary of being burned. None seem to pass the test of time to earn even a bit more of my trust. i reach out a tentative hand & again come away with singed fingers. There is no longer an outlet. i know one day it will all catch up & i will go down in flames. Until then i continue to run. Alone.

One year ago today i lost my devoted companion of 15 years. One week ago tomorrow i lost my grandmother of 95 years. i find i have been very introverted today. Lost deep inside my own head. Got to get busy again soon so i do not have so much time to think.

Heaven became brighter with the shine of one more angel this morning. She walked the plain streets of dirt for 95 years. Now she can walk streets of gold. i will miss her so much, but she will always be in my heart & in my head.

My candle burns at both ends,
it will not last the night.
But, ah, my foes and, oh, my friends,
it gives a lovely light.
~Edna St.Vincent Milay-
(A Few Figs from Thistles)

Hopefully i will shed a little light on someone along my way. i certainly feel my candle burning.

It's easy to look for somewhere better to go. What's hard is seeing the reality of what you have. And what's harder than that is to make things work where you are. Still, what's even harder is to go back and say you've realize that "here" is really where you're supposed to be. ~ Norris Burkes

Where i am may not seem ideal to many, but i know it is right for me & for this time.

Irish Blessings

May you have warm words on a cold evening,

a full moon on a dark night,

and the road downhill all the way to your door.

Wishing you a rainbow
For sunlight after showers
Miles and miles of Irish smiles
For golden happy hours
Shamrocks at your doorway
For luck and laughter too,
And a host of friends that never ends
Each day your whole life through!

When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving much advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a gentle and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares. ~ Henri Nouwen

Healing may not be so much about getting better, as about letting go of everything that isn't you - all of the expectations, all of the beliefs - and becoming who you are.
~ Rachel Naomi Remen

Three years ago today. All too often lately i feel so inadequate for what i have undertaken. There is no turning back. i just have to pray for the strength to go on. i miss you Dad.

Great minds have purposes;

Little minds have wishes.

Little minds are subdued by misfortunes;

Great minds rise above them.

~Washington Irving

The most basic and powerful way to connect to another person is to listen. Just listen. Perhaps the most important thing we ever give each other is our attention... A loving silence often has far more power to heal and to connect than the most well-intentioned words.

~ Rachel Naomi Remen

It is lack of love for ourselves that inhibits our compassion toward others.

If we make friends with ourselves, then there is no obstacle to opening our hearts and minds to others.

i sometimes need to be reminded to be a friend to myself - in order to remain receptive to real friends. my heart & mind have just become so guarded from being betrayed too often.

This is no time for ease and comfort.
It is the time to dare and endure.
~Winston Churchill (1874-1965)
So appropriate after all we have dealt with from the storm.

Plenty of people miss their share of happiness,

not because they never found it,

but because they didn't stop to enjoy it.

~ William Feather

You are where you are right now in your life because of the choices you have made and the actions you have taken. If you want to change your life, remember that change starts with you.
~ Jeffrey Keller

You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.

~ Unknown

Adventure isn't hanging on a rope off the side of a mountain. Adventure is an attitude that we must apply to the day to day obstacles of life - facing new challenges, seizing new opportunities, testing our resources against the unknown and in the process, discovering our own unique potential.
~John Amatt organizer and participant in Canada's 1st successful expedition to the summit of Mt Everest

But as I look back at my life, it is easy to see that the times when my wisdom and understanding grew to new levels; those times when I approached becoming the person I long to be; it was always the times that followed negative circumstances.
~ Vic Johnson

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN 
(From A Man's Perspective)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, 
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, 
and still be afraid of a spider. 

The starting point of all achievement is desire. Keep this constantly in mind.  Weak desire brings weak results, just as a small amount of fire makes a small amount of heat.

~ Napoleon Hill

Tomorrow is Sunday. Maybe i will take time to rest. Let?s see. This week i have taken mom to the dentist, done the grocery shopping (twice), cooked dinner to last several nights on Monday, mowed the grass, trimmed some more trees, applied for a job, visited a friend, saw relatives, checked on a critically ill friend, altered dresses for my 90+ year old grandmother, researched creating a website for our high school class reunion (that no one else is volunteering to help with), decided to forego the website due to financial constraints right now, cooked a pork roast for pulled pork sandwiches, and made a Sunday dinner today consisting of Sauerbraten (marinated for 4 days) w/ ginger snap gravy, fresh green bean casserole (no canned stuff - i picked these myself) with a sauce made from scratch, fresh mashed potatoes (no instant) & a fresh strawberry pie from berries i picked myself (did cheat & use a store bought graham crust). i feel like i have washed & dried (by hand - i am the dish washer) every dish in the kitchen today - some several times. Cooking creates a LOT of dirty dishes. Can we say over achiever due to lack of a job???? i still had time to lift others up in prayer so i guess my day was not too full. i hope somebody remembers me in their's.

People of character do the right thing, not because they think it will change the world, but because they refuse to be changed by the world.
~ Michael Josephson

The only time we should look back to yesterday is to look at the positive things that were accomplished to encourage us to do better things today and tomorrow.
~ Stevie Wonder
.... or hopefully not repeat the mistakes of yesterday.

One's philosophy is not best expressed in words; it is expressed in the choices one makes. In the long run, we shape our lives and we shape ourselves. The process never ends until we die. And, the choices we make are ultimately our own responsibility.
~ Eleanor Roosevelt

The Lonely Soul

The lonely soul wanders
Alone in the walks of life
No other soul as his companion
The lonely soul wanders

Alone in the daybreak
He does his duties
In the walks of life
The lonely soul wanders

Alone in the life
He meets many other souls
Who comes to be
Unfit for the lonely soul
The lonely soul wanders

As the days pass by
The lonely soul became
More lonely, with no other
souls as his companion
The lonely soul wanders

Alone in the walks of life
The lonely soul decides
Not to die, but to face
Life in all its hardships
The lonely soul wanders

~anto thermadam

Oh what a difference 36 hours can make! i got up yesterday thinking i wanted to go pick some fresh vegetables before the rain they were predicting. i ended up working hours as a field hand. i just could not leave a friend in a lurch & hard work has not killed me yet. i still came home with fresh green beans, tomatoes, yellow squash, zucchini, cucumbers, & onions. Well worth my labor.

i barely had time to clean up before the rain started ? and what a rain it was!! We ended up with 9+ inches in 36 hours, golf ball size hail, several wheelbarrows full of broken limbs everywhere and no electricity for 28 hours. It?s been a busy 2 days. Bet i sleep better tonight.

The pleasure of the senses is always regulated in accordance with the imagination.

Man can aspire to felicity only by serving all the whims of his imagination.

~The Marquis de Sade

The only way to discover the limits of the possible is to go beyond them into the impossible.
 ~Arthur C. Clarke

I have accepted fear as part of life - - specifically the fear of change.
I have gone ahead despite the pounding in the heart that says turn back.
~ Erica Long

Here i sit this morning of my last weekend before starting a new job. i have taken the time to be still & be quiet while listening to the minister on TV.  i admit to having trouble at times with being quiet enough to "hear" the voice of my Lord. i try though. At times, i have trouble feeling like i am serving a purpose. That is something very important to me ? to feel like i have a purpose for being here. For now, my purpose may be just providing a certain amount of companionship, support & help to my mother. That is an important purpose. It provides a degree of fulfillment for me. She also does things for me & it continues to give her purpose in her life.


i am trying not to worry about the new job. Worry serves no positive purpose. Will i be hard on myself? yes. i always am. There could be no worse critic of me. i also expect some tension in the new department. i have been ?warned? that one person is not comfortable with the reason i was hired. One good thing though ? i think most of my interaction will be will men. That works well for me most often. i can sometimes be very ?direct? and many women are not sure how to take that. Men just seem to deal with it better ? unless they are intimidated by it. i also have to promote my softer side. Bullying them will not create the harmony i need to work with them. i think this is a concept the other girl is having trouble with. Oh well. we each must do the best we can.

i am also working on a few things just for me this weekend. i could have gone out to meet up with a friend last night, but chose to stay home & sit quietly in front of a movie. Rest is a good thing. i am also coloring my hair (yes, i fight this aging thing) and painting my toenails this morning. Although the temperatures do not feel like it right now (YEAH!!!), summer will be here soon. Toes should be pretty if they will be displayed for the world to see and i am not fond of grey hair on me. Of course, i am not crazy about the wrinkles, age spots & extra dimples either, but i can only do just so much about this aging process. Some of it i have to be somewhat accepting of. It is a part of me.

i am beginning to feel rather overwhelmed with all i am trying to do before i go back to work. Trying to catch up on a year?s worth of things in just over a month has been challenging. my ?To Do? list seems to be getting longer instead of shorter. i am also running out of steam. At least i sleep better most nights (except when the nightmares creep back in) because i no longer have to sleep with a phone. Repairs on the car will cost a bit more than i expected, but still better than paying car notes every month. Got part of the azaleas planted this morning. Now if i can find the energy to get all of the boxes hauled back in it will be a huge accomplishment. Tylenol is my friend right now.

Life is truly known only to those who suffer, lose, endure adversity and stumble from defeat to defeat.
~Anais Nin

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?") "You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her. "I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing.. I'm reading." "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman. "But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden. "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."  "Have a nice day ma'am," he said and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

*On a personal note: The past 3 times i have moved, each time the movers commented on the unusual number of boxes that were labeled ?Books?. Not only do i read a lot, but yes, i can also think.

The person who will risk nothing does nothing, has nothing, is nothing. Only a person who risks becomes truly free.
~ Denis Waitley

The following paragraphs were copied, with His permission, from the profile of Nicholai in Austin, TX. The words resonated within me & i asked permission to borrow them. i wanted to be able to refer back to them at times. It is not often that i see such a vivid description of a piece of my soul. Thank You Sir for Your words.

It is easy to flog oneself to bloody ribbons, to bring more force to bear than one's harshest critic could ever gleefully smite upon you. It is easy to fall prey to the feelings of defeat, or despondency, melancholy, or worse, the numbing pain of not feeling.

But we must rise when we stumble, when our illustrious failures are laid bare for the world to mock. We must celebrate 'being', however imperfect we may be. We must embrace the pursuits we strive towards, and the journeys we embark upon.

We do not live a thousand years. Death is our constant mentor, a capricious friend, ready to touch our lives in a way we cannot begin to fathom. For he will one day force the ultimate surrender that no man can refuse.

So while we rust, while it is in our power, we must live. Nodding at Tennyson, we must burn the candle at both ends. We must make an extraordinarily beautiful flame.

 
I refuse to live a painfully ordinary existence.

Late yesterday i learned a very dear relative had passed away on my birthday. He was just 3 weeks shy of turning 99. His remaining sister & brother are 94 & 81 respectively. The sister still lives on her own & cares for herself. There is no way of knowing if i will inherit longevity from this side of the family or be gone in the blink of an eye like the other side of the family. With no children to come home & care for me in my old age, please Lord let me live & be able to care for myself until i die ? be that tomorrow or another 50 years from now.

"To be thrilled at the touch of leather, aroused by the sound of harsh words, or satisfied by the security of rigid bondage is the mark of a lover. To be thrilled by the opportunity to provide a useful service, aroused by a pleased nod, and satisfied by the proverbial job well done is the mark of a slave. It may sound severe.  Almost anti-erotic.  Until you see two people, owner and owned, existing in a complementary relationship where each suits the other like balances on a delicate scale, until you feel the energy of their rapport, you cannot understand how they fulfill each other, take and give in ways no negotiation could possible express. Then you will understand that singular intimacy that drives such people on their search for perfection.  It is beyond orgasm.  Beyond love.  It can almost be called rapture. To achieve that level may require many years of training. But in the end, there's nothing that compares to it. ..." 
( source: The Marketplace, chapter 7 (pp.80-81), Laura Antoniou )

In the midst of record high tempratures, the promise of fall is realized. i have once again spotted the deer.

"He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how." 
~ Friedrich Nietzsche

i know the why i live for this moment, but it is bearing the how that is at times difficult. i find that life & circumstances have more & more pushed my submissive self to the rear and a much more dominant side has had to step forward. This is not my nature, but it is for now my lot. From my personal life to my job, life demands that i step to the forefront. i am at times faced with a very aggressive side that i am finding difficulty learning to temper & control. In some aspects it is good. i must display confidence & control over those i manage at work, even when i do not feel it. Personally, i now have more duties & responsibilities than ever. Figuratively i feel that i must fill some large shoes. While i do not regret the direction my life has taken, i sometimes wonder where i will find the strength. There is no longer any counterweight for balance ? there is only dominance.

Copyright 2007 yourdailymotivation

It is official. i begin a new adventure on Monday. i am nervous, excited and very scared of failing and disappointing. i have received words of encouragement that i really needed to hear. More than that, i need to believe them.

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us."

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

"The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark.?
~ Michelangelo Buonarroti

We cannot be more sensitive to pleasure without being more sensitive to pain.

~ Alan Watts

The more we endure with patience and grace,

The stronger we grow and the more we can face.

~Helen Steiner Rice

i guess i am simply in a nasty mood ? and i don?t mean the good kind of nasty. It could be mood swings. It could be hormones. It could be nagging worry about several other things. It could be a combination of it all, but i am not in the most pleasant of moods. i?m not really being bratty ? it?s more like total bitch.

When i get like this, i need to stay to myself & not try talking to anyone and especially not write emails to anyone. i tend to get very abrasive & abrupt when i am like this. Case & point ? the email i sent yesterday. i may not ever get a reply to that one. i should have sat on it several days & re-read it over & over again ? but NOOOOO, i hit that send button. Thing is, i did not mean it to be ugly. i really enjoy being around the person i sent it to. Fat chance of that happening again now.

While i?m on a roll, i guess i will bitch about something else. i have received a few emails recently asking where i am located ? nothing else. They don?t indicate they read my profile. They don?t try to get to know me. They just want to know where i am at. Why not just ask ?wanna f**k???? What difference does it matter where i am if we don?t have something in common? Get a clue & get to know me first. i may be the girl next door or i could be in BF Egypt. You may be like so many others and once you know me you will be glad i am nowhere near. If i wanted you to know exactly where i was at, it would be on my profile.

Then i get these that say ?you are beautiful?..... awwww, how sweet ? you can really tell a lot by looking at my ass. Again, get to know me first. You may find out i have days like this where i am a nasty bitch.

Oh, my profile also does not say a dang thing about ?willing to relocate?. i just got back to LA after 26 years ? hell no i?m not moving again anytime soon!!! If i am not interested in some cyber relationship, what do you think we would have if you are in some other country??

A man who will intimidate & humiliate a woman in public, will do much worse to her in private....

i read something recently that reminded me this is not something i will ever have in my life again.

What Sort of Man

A Man who displays sensitivity will be a Master who is sensitive to you

A Man who displays humility will be a Master who will show you respect

A Man who is not afraid to cry will be a Master who understands your tears

A Man who is quiet will be a Master who will hear your quietest whisper

A Man who knows fear will be a Master who will not leave you to face yours alone

A Man who will listen to a child will be a Master who will always work to understand your words

A Man who can stand alone will be a Master who will not crush you under His weight A Man who controls Himself with ease will be a Master with the ability to control you in the same way

A Man who does not have to prove His point will be a Master with many worthwhile points to share

A Man who never makes demands will be a Master who treasures anything you give A Man who doesn't run after you will be a Master you will never need to run away from

A Man who is calm will be a Master who can weather your storms

A Man who has walked the path to peace will be a Master able to guide you along that path 

A Man who does not shout will be a Master who will never deafen you

A Man who knows Himself will be a Master who will have time to know you

A Man with an open mind will be a Master who never stops learning

A Man who never stops learning will be a Master who never stops growing

A Man who always seeks to be the best He can be for you is the only Man truly worthy of being called Master

~author:kat_in_vinyl