Panthersmile

I just got home from work and I don't even know why I am still up.

My eyes are swollen, my cheeks still sting from the tears, my head is screaming out in agony and my heart is so heavy i don't think I can bear it.

The way they day has gone has darkened my mood and my out look on things.

As dark as things are, there was a light. And even though it was brief, it shone so brightly as to take me out of the darkness, even if only a moment.

It continues to shine, though it is surrounded in fog and is hard to see. 

Maybe it will be enough, for now.

This is what I'm thinking and feeling right now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&feature=endscreen&v=0QkcAgxic00

Finally a day off of work and I am going a little bit insane.

Had to go to the store last night to get some nyquil, and considering its only a few blocks from the house I decided to walk.

Needless to say, given the torrential down pours we had last night, I got soaked.

Unfortunately so did my phone.

I hate being without a phone and I'm praying that the rice thing everyone has suggested works because I really don't want to have to buy another one.

I hate shopping for anything.

Anyway, I will be missing the wonderful conversations, so let's cross our fingers and pray the rice works.

Well, ever since sunday I have been spending more time on here.

I finally got caught up on all of the messages that had been sent to me, and replied to those that warranted a reply.

I must say though, just like with any other world, there are still those around who thing it is their right to be jerks. Oh well.

I am enjoying the conversations that I am having with some people. I mean I am finding out there is more to all of this then what merely meets the eye.

I wish I could elaborate, but its a discovery that each must come to on their own.

Let me just say that I am loving the journey and every day look forward to what more will come.

I have had a lot of people ask what changed in my life that brought me back to here.

.......

Growing up I was very close to my father. He was a colonel in the army and quite stern, but he also had his playful side as well. I loved him dearly, faults and all and always felt close to him.

He died when I was 16 and there was a huge void.

After that I dated guys who were typical bad boys, thinking that that was what I was looking for. Unfortunately bad boys are bad boys for a reason and I have been in way too many abusive relationships as a result.

My son's father beat me up again but this time my son saw. I got so scared because he tried to get in between us and he's only 2. His father gets these blind rages so he would not even realize he was hurting my son. I had to do something and I did.

As a result I looked at why I wasn't having the types of relationships that I wanted and why they always ended up in very abusive patterns.

I figured it out. I wanted a man like my father, strong and stern and genuinely wanting to make me the best that I can be out of love.

I always thought bad boys were strong, but in actuality they are just weak bullies.

What I want, and what I need is a strong man who knows when to be stern and when to be kind. Who can punish and comfort and who will look out for my best interest.

That is why I am back.

So, as always things have been interesting.

I had chance to meet a very intriguing individual.

Now, this person sparked my interest by introducing me to a fetish that I was not at all aware of.

Now, as a smoker I should have figured that such things could be deemed sexy, but the thought truthfully had never occured to me.

Well, it did not occur to me till He spoke of it. And the more he spoke of it the more I was pulled in.

So yes, yesterday was a very good day.

I have not had a cigar in years, and never had one as good as the one he offered.

I was nervous, wondering if he would enjoy the way I smoked and watched for the tell tale sign that he alerted me to.

Having his eyes on me was putting me on edge, but also arousing in me a desire for him that I had yet to really feel for anyone else.

All the time I am pulling the cigar between my lips as my cheeks hollow out to take a drag from it all I could think about was how he would taste.

I found out, but only after he completely blew my mind.

That had to be the most erotic experience I have had to date that did not involve actual sex.

I can't wait to see what the next meeting brings.

Hopefully more cigars.

Our lives are complex and there has to be a certain amount of understanding as to that fact.

What we must show the world in order to maintain a certain semblance of normalcy in our daily lives, is not always what we truly are.

And what we truly are is not always what should be seen by outsiders.

If nothing else, there is a level of trust that must be maintained.

Once that trust is broken or a line is crossed I don't believe that it will ever be the same. It is not something that you can get back.

Letting outsiders know, even if for a form of humiliation or punishment, is a dangerous line to walk.

Descriptive detail to an outsider, when they are someone that is close to me, is unacceptable.

I hope it was worth it.

The past few days have been a whirlwind of interesting encounters.

Not physical mind you, but mental and intellectual.

All the while, no matter who I spoke with my mind always lingered back to Him.

Waiting with baited breath till I would get to hear his voice. All the while hearing it echo in my mind as I closed my eyes and thought of Him.

The first time he spoke to me he took me, though I do not know if he realized it at the time.

I am His, without question.

It scares me. I scares me to find that I so easily went to him when all others have been met with a challenge.

It scares me because I know not what the future holds or where I will be led, but I crave to be taken there by Him and Him alone.

Even now, all I can think about is when I will have chance to hear his words in my ear again and my whole being will remain on edge until that time.

My first night on this site has been quite interesting.

It amazes me that not much has really changed since the last time I was on here.

Yes, I had an account on here years ago.

It was an experiment to see if I could find someone that would fit my needs.

I found someone who did not exactly understand the true nature of how I see this world.

It caused conflict which actually caused me to leave the site due to the fact that he had hacked my account on several occasions.

Years later though I find myself in search of that someone who will understand the needs, desires and wants of an untrained sub.

So I am back.

The responses have been a bit overwhelming. Some good, some bad, some amazing.

I am enjoying it though.

I am truly looking forward to what the path ahead brings.

Goodnight and thank you.