thoughts.

just racing through my mind. good and bad; give and take. depressive, happy, angry, loving, spiteful, caring. some are selfish thoughts. others just involve more pain, agony, and self loathing. when you're that low, no one seems to realize how hard it really is trying to get back up when all you want to do is just sit in that damned corner of darkness and die. don't just stand there and tell me things will get better and that there are better ways of dealing with this. I KNOW THIS. but things can also get much worse and it's my pathetic life and i will deal with things however i so choose, regardless if society thinks it's "acceptable". if i decide to drag the damned razor across my wrist, then that's my decision. don't tell me i have mental problems. I KNOW THIS. if i want to redirect the pain, then fine. i can understand how people can be hurt by this. but just try to think of it from my point of view. when you're a manic bipolar depressive person who has suicidal tendencies, wouldn't this be considered normal? our scars remind us that the past is real. that sentence is more than just a line from a papa roach song. i feel way to damned much and sopmetimes, i just need to redirect that feel, even if it means scarring myself. i may look pretty, but im an ugly person on the inside. i don't cry "woe is me". i often hide how i truly feel. the future really is just a bleak place. don't be that person that tells me no it's not or that i should entrust my life to god. i'm just a fucked up person with mental instabilities that just knows how to hide and blend.

my legs are dangling off the edge

the bottom of a bottle is my only friend

i think i'll slit my wrist again

and im gone, gone, gone, gone

my legs are dangling off the edge

a stomach full of pills didn't work again

i'll put a bullet in my head

and i'm gone, gone, gone, gone...........

Dreams and aspirations are for those who know they wont succeed. That said, why cant one help by dream? Even of the petty things that this cruel and materialistic world has to offer? Why aspire to be anyone in this fucked up world? There is always going to be someone better than you. Always. You are destined for nothing but failure in this life. Ghostflowers in a decaying meadow of nothing. Mindless drones slaving away for society. Fuck you. As kids, we cant wait to grow up and get our lives started. As teenagers, we bitch and complain about adulthood and all the responsibilities that follow with it. We anxiously await the graduation ceremony to leave shithole towns and lives and start anew in college someone different. As adults, we bitch about the everyday grindstone. Sleep, wake, work, repeat. Everyone dreams of doing something with their lives, but noone ever gets off their ass and does anything. Everyone wants to change the world, but noone wants to die. Man up, bitch. Everyone has problems. Youre not fucking special. That guy? Arthritis so bad, its crippling to get out of bed. That chick? Shes withdrawn into herself so noone can see the pain of her past tormenting her.


I lost track of the original purpose of this entry. Maybe its because all my problems are psychosymatic. Maybe I live in a delusional world where looks and money are key over intelligence and morality. More than likely its because Im a fucking basket case thats so pessimistic, the glass is just empty. Fuck you for thinking you have any right to judge me. Ive perfected the false smile upon my fragile face so you cant see the real me trying to protect myself from everyone. You will never know the full story. Stupidity is bliss and most times, Im envious.

What is the point in dreaming? You just set ridiculous standards for yourself that you know you will never reach since you lose all ambition when something requires any hard work. Fuck you and your failure. The human race is nothing but a disgrace. The lack of anything in this world is terrible. As a writer, I see things in a completely differtent perspective than most people. You look at a tree and see just that. Your simple mind only allows that. I look and see so much more. The words and images that accompany it... they dance around in front of my eyes. The picture is too beautiful. But alas, beauty is fleeting. As an artist, things change completely. I see so much complexity in something so simple. I cant even begin to put in down on a piece of paper.

Lost track again. Maybe the voices are right. One said to hush, that noone wants to hear about the tragedies of the real world. Irregardless. Another said shout it from the roof tops and spread the word. More practical. Practical sensibility is bullshit. Well, one said jump. The end can only look so bright when the present is so bleak. Maybe that one is the voice of reason. Again, fuck you for thinking you can judge. You just wish you had the balls to say half the shit I can.

Whats the whole point of this? Im not a hundred percent sure. Maybe tonight wont be the night I jump. Maybe its a night filled with hatred for where we are headed as a race, knowing theres no hope in sight. Maybe tonights the night where a couple of bottles will be my best friends. Sometimes, flirting with suicide is ok. As a pessimistic, bipolar manic depressive nutcase with suicidal tendencies, this fucked up entry is life. You just dont know. You can only hope, and that just brings you right back to the beginning, now doesnt it?

sometimes, the best things in life are the most unexpected. this is one of them. there are reasons why for every little thing i do. some show ignorance and stupidity while others show the love and devotion i have. those are the ones i think we should focus on. after all, every one looks so much prettier with a smile. we may clash on alot of things, but it makes for an interesting time. i care alot, and hold you close. one of the very few that are near and dear. devotion is key, and when you look into my eyes, thats all you should see, no questions asked. xo

There are reasons why everyone is here. I have sides of my personality that are just publicly unacceptable. I need ways to express this side of me and it's this that brings me here. I need to figure these things out and find what's appropriate for ME. I am naturally submissive, but i do switch. If the right person just happens to come along provoking me, and then opens my cage, well, there's no telling what that tiger will do. She's a beast and will only subside when she gets her fill.

i am terribly sorry for seeming to disappear for a few days. i have alot going on right now and will be back on fulltime when i get the chance. i deeply apologize to those of you that have sent me messges and are awaiting a reply. i give you my girlscout promise to get back as soon as i can <3

im a manic bipolar depressive with suicidal tendencies and youre really gonna say that i only think someone loves me? what the fuck is wrong with that?

so this random asshole, Mastermasterq, thinks im a guy just because i wont cam with him.  im sorry, but im not going to cam with everyone that asks. i do have standards and you clearly havent met them. grow a pair of balls and grow up you dick head and stop complaining when one girl doesnt want to cam with your ugly ass.