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crissyrubberella
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61 year old english male living on the mediteranean coast in Tunisia North Africa seeks female,sub/slave/switch, for long term relationship, you must be willing to relocate at your own expense.
no one under 50 please.
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A stranger was seated next to a little girl on an aeroplane.
When the plane took off and settled into its climb, the stranger turned to the little girl
and said:: 'I've always found that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'OK. What would you like to talk about?'
Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?'
'Yes,' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat grass -- the same stuff.
Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'
The stranger thought for a few moments,, then said: 'You know, I've never thought about that. I have no idea.'
The little girl began to open her book again, saying: 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit!!! |
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Subject: Something to offend everyone
Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
20 kgs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in year 9.
Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.
What's the difference between a porcupine and a police car?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
'Are you sure it's mine?'
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
What's the difference between an Australian zoo and an English zoo?
An Australian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... 'a recipe..'
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between a northern USA fairytale and a southern USA fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time...'
A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit...'
Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.
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A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.
The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,
'OK old fart, time for you to retire.'
The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle
ALL of these chickens.
Look what it has done to me.
Can't you just let me have the two old hens in the corner?'
The young rooster says,
'Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.'
The old rooster says,
'I tell you what, young stud....
I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.'
The young rooster laughs.
'You know you don't stand a chance, old man.
So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.'
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.
He is only 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by.
The Old Rooster is squawking and running hard as he can.
The Farmer grabs his shotgun and
- BOOM -
He blows the young rooster to bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,
'Dammit......
Third gay rooster I bought this month.'
Moral Of This Story ? ...
Don't mess with the OLD FARTS -
Age, Skill, Wisdom, and a little Treachery
Always Overcome Youth and Arrogance! | |
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Jock takes his wife to casualty. She's no teeth, a broken nose & two black eyes.
Dr says, "What's happened here?"
Jock says "She was going thru the change."
Dr says "That doesnt happen with the change."
Jock replies "It does when its in my f*cking pocket |
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A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide
Under your skirt. I'll explain later.' The nun agreed.
A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, 'Sister, have
You seen a soldier?' The nun replied, 'He went that way.'
After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her
Skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough, Sister.
You see, I don't want to go to Iraq.'
The nun said, 'I understand completely.'
The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair
Of legs!'
The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would
Have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either!' |
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Three Men on a Hike
Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed:
'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.'
Poof! ... God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.
After witnessing that, the second man prayed: 'God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river'
Poof! . God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.
Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: 'God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river'
Poof! ... He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.
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A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.
'I'd love to be eight again' she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he arose early and made her a bowl of Coco Pops and jammy toasties!
He took her to Alton Towers and put her on every ride in the park:
* The Death Slide
* The Wall of Fear
* The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away they went to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milkshake.
Then it was off to the movies: the latest Kiddies three hour epic cartoon, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favourite lolly and M&Ms!
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked 'Well dear, what was it like being eight again?'
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression changed to one of total realisation...'I meant my dress size, you f***ing tw@t !!!'
The moral of this story: Even when a man is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong..... | |
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An old lady dies and goes to heaven.
She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates
when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.
Don't worry about that,' says St. Peter,
'It's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for the wings.'
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with
the conversation.
Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.
'Oh my God,' says the old lady, 'now what is happening?'
'Not to worry,' says St. Peter,
'She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo.'
'I can't do this,' says the old lady, 'I'm going to hell.'
'You can't go there,'says St. Peter.
'You'll be raped and taken advantage of.'
'Maybe so, says the old lady, but I've already got the holes
for that.'
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A bloke is in a queue at the Super Market when he notices that the
>rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello
>to him.
>
>He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and
>although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he
>says 'Sorry, do you know me?'
>
>She replies 'I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of
>one of my children!'
>
>His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful,
>'Christ!' he says 'are you that stripogram on my stag night that I
>shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate
>whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my arse?'
'No' she replies, 'I'm your son's English Teacher' |
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A man goes to an oral surgeon to have a tooth pulled.
The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man a shot.
"No way!! No needles!! I hate needles, the patient said".
The dentist starts to hook up a laughing gas and the man objects.
"I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!!"
The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.
"No objection', says the patient, 'I'm fine with pills".
The dentist then returns and says, "here's a Viagra tablet".
The patient says, wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!
"It doesn't", said the Dentist, "but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth!!" | |
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A jumbo jet is making its final approach to
Tampa Airport.
The
pilot comes on the intercom, 'This is your Captain. We're on our final
descent into Tampa. I want to thank you for flying with us today
and hope you enjoy your stay in the Tampa Bay area'.
He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can
hear his conversation from the cockpit. The copilot can be heard saying to the
pilot, 'So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're in Tampa ?'
'Well,' says the skipper, 'first I'm gonna check into the hotel,
take a big crap....then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits
out for dinner.... I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room
and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long.'
Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and
immediately begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this
new stewardess is that the pilot's talking about.
Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the
plane. She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to
turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag
and down she goes.
The old lady leans over and says: 'No need to hurry, dear.
He's gotta land the plane and take a shit first.
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These are REAL 911 Calls!
Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?
Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher : Excuse me ma'am?
Caller : I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher : Was anything else taken?
Caller : No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: Ma'am, This is nine eleven .
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
My Personal Favorite!!!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
And the winner is..........
Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police. |
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A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his
English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the
circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
L: Have you any grounds?
P: Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
L: No, I mean what is the foundation of his case?
P: It made of concrete.
L: I don't think you understand. Do either of you have a real grudge?
P: No, we have carport, and not need one.
L: I mean. What are your relations like?
P: All my relations still in Poland .
L: Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
P: We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
L: Does your wife beat you up?
P: No, I always up before her.
L: Is your wife a nagger?
P: No, she white.
L: Why do you want this divorce?
P: She going to kill me.
L: What makes you think that?
P: I got proof.
L: What kind of proof?
P: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at Drugstore and put
on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover". |
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Church was in full swing... Pews were packed. Suddenly, Satan appeared at
the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the
front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from
the evil incarnate.
Soon everyone had left the church except for one elderly gentleman who
sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that
God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said, 'Don't you know who I am?'
The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'
'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.
'Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?' asked Satan.
'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.
'Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, AGONY for all
eternity?' persisted Satan.
'Yep,' was the calm reply.
'And you're still not afraid?' asked Satan.
'Nope,' said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Well, why aren't you afraid of
me?'
The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.' |
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Thomas the Tank Engine,
A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her
five-year-old
son playing with his new electric train in the living
room. She heard
the train stop and her son saying,'All of you b*****ds who
want off,
get the f**k off now, cause we're in a hurry! And all of
you b*****ds
who are getting on, get the f**k on, cause we're going
down the
tracks'.
The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't
use that
kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to
your room and
stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play
with your
train, but I want you to use nice language.'
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and
resumed playing
with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother
heard her son
say,'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please
remember
to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for
travelling
with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'
She hears the little boy continue, 'For those of you just
boarding,
we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your
seat.
Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you
will have a
pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'
As the mother began to smile, the child added..........
'For those of
you who are pi**ed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please
see the fat
b*tch in the kitchen |
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An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.'
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!
'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'
The Irishman nodded...'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.'
'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.
'No, from the bloody skippin'. |
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St. Patricks day
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the
night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, ' You'll not
be drinking anymore tonight Paddy.
Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then.'
Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.
'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.
He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, 'Shoite,
Shoite!' He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just
get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the
door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and
takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out
onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face. 'Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin'
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls
himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a
look up the stairs and says 'No fockin' way'. He crawls up the stairs to his
bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed.' He takes a step into the
room and falls flat on his face. He says 'Fock it' and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of
coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?'
Paddy says, 'I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?'
'Mick phoned, . ........you left your wheelchair at the pub!' |
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IRISH VIAGARA
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advise in reviving her husband's libido.
"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.
"Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin."
"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went"
It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"
" Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?"
"Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again." |
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LITTLE BILLY ASKS HIS DAD FOR A TELLY IN HIS ROOM. DAD RELUCTACTLY AGREES.
NEXT DAY BILLY COMES DOWNSTAIRS AND ASKS, "DAD, WHAT'S LOVE JUICE?"
DAD LOOKS HORRIFIED AND TELLS BILLY ALL ABOUT SEX.
BILLY JUST SAT THERE WITH HIS MOUTH OPEN IN AMAZEMENT.
DAD ASKS, "SO WHAT WERE YOU WATCHING?"
BILLY SAYS, "WIMBLEDON |
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To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine, a pint of beer or the odd tipple... and those who don't.
As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health.
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service.
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| Age: 41 |
| Scranton,
Pennsylvania |
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