i was told i should enjoy my freedom. for once im owned..its over..and i cant do whatever i want.

obviously this person is clueless as to what freedom is. for a slave, we find freedom only in ownership. to be unowned is painful..heart wrenching. empty..a prison of sorts. we are unable to do and be what we were created to do.. serve and please.  at the feet of a Master we find our freedom. in serving His wishes.. His whims and fancies..tending to His home and making life easier..more pleasurable..that is freedom.  to hear the words growled in our ears as He takes us..saying..MINE... that is freedom.

to be bound..chained. our lives mapped out for us. our thoughts no longer our own.giving all..hiding nothing.. that is freedom.

there is no freedom in being unowned. only darkness and a personal sort of  prison. even unowned i do not do as i please. i watch my actions. i do my best to be have. and tray to remain  respectful and honest. if im told to do something.. i do it. the one thing i have control over right now. is who i give myself  to sexually. that of course is my choice. i do not do as i please..i follow rules..boundaries. etc.being unowned doesnt give me liscence to go crazy and act up. its all the more reason to tow the line.. and behave.. You never know Who may be watching in the shadows.

please do NOT send me cock pics.. all that tells me about You is that most likely You pee standing up.

feeling a bit sad...though i have no reason to. i shouldn't be surprised in how things have gone since my return to this site. i guess.. i let my guard down...and hoped. took a few chances. i blame no one buy myself.

how hard is it to be honest? its online..what do you have to lose? it certainly requires no effort. or shouldn't anyways.but i have been reminded why i am so cynical..and disbelieving, jaded,...untrusting.

i dont want Your pretty words. False praise, false promises. dont lead me to think You are one thing..only to be the opposite. Dont introduce Yourself to me only to disappear. this is why im tired..this is why i remain unowned. this why i often times feel my journey has come to an end.  Dont ask me to give You a chance.. for i have none left. so i guess the question i should ask myself is..why am i here. i guess a deep seeded part of me doesn't wish to give up. it scares me to lose the  one part of me that ive know 95% of my life. Because i don't know how else to be.

from what i can tell i need to change my thinking..and see that D/s, and Ms is sexual..and nothing  much else exists beyond that. im longing  for the old days when it was more than a way to get Your kink on. when collars were not a joke..and there was more to being a Master than telling a girl how to be sexually. when what was in the heart and mind mattered. maybe those  days never existed but in my head.. a bunch of childish dreams. so..still i roam..and wander... and my journey continues.

i have met a few really nice people here. alot i have met have left me disillusioned. not hurt.. but disappointed..

it seems that looks is everything. and sex is all its about. kind of sad really. and  discouraging. it causes me to close up a little each time someone stops talking to me, because of my age, or my description. since i dont have a pic up. and it leaves me to think..why bother with a pic. if im going to be judged on it?

am i so wrong to believe this lifestyle is not about sex?  i used to feel sorry for those that only saw the sexual side . for they are they are the ones that  are truly clueless..and missing out on the real joys  the lifestyle has to offer.

i guess its the nature of the site. it is a bdsm site. not exactly a Ds/ or M/s site.  some don't realize there is a difference.maybe i came here with the wrong expectations.  i don't blame others for how they view things. or practice the lifestyle. but when i see these things..it closes me up a little each time.

to save all You men some time. im no great beauty. im rather plain. reddish hair that is long and thick.. usually in a ponytail or a french braid. i don't have big tits. im not 18. im not skinny. i have a bunch of weight on me. but im not  a bbw. and in no way shape of form am i bi..nor do i want to be.i cant be real time. and  i dont know when i can. im not interested in a sexual hook up. i  im not interested in a play partner.

one Man i spoke to and kinda liked.. i mean i enjoyed talking to Him anyways...said dont worry..if im not attracted to You... we can still have nice conversations. i must admit. it was a kick in the gut when  He said that. it was then that i realized..my heart..who i am as a person..how i live my life. my passion for serving and being pleasing..means very little.

very discouraging..and rather  sad. but. i will look at the silver lining. when You know what to expect..there are no surprises.  when you have no expectations.. then there are no disappointments.

if You write me..i will answer. if You ask a question. i will reply. but if i dont seem overly exited and  ready to strip down and bang Your brains out, please don't be offended.

i think i need to re-evaluate what the lifestyle truly is..for it seems im getting it wrong.

we all judge. like it or not.. we do. i know i do. as i know people that  read my  blogs judge me. i think the trick is in how we express that judgement. who in this life is an athority to judge who is fake or not? simply because they don't fit our picture of what we think a Dom or should should of should not do.

nothing tires me out faster than listening to subbies bitch and moan about Hes fake..that person is fake. who are you to say?

Ds has become very watered down. its a shadow of its former self. its full of  people that use the lifestyle to justify their kinks.and allows people to hide  under the ssc   chant.

there so many different types of slaves and Doms its unreal. and if you don't like whats  out there you create your own. so in all honesty, there are no such thing as fakes. since each person sees their Dominance and  submission distyle no longer defines and sets consistent boundaries.. people pretty much do as they please. so how is that fake? people have access to literally millions of pages of info on the net and in bookstores.

so before you start bitching and moaning and labeling someone as fake.. you need to take a breath and simply embrace that there are differences. and just because a person doesn't think as you do..doesn't make them fake. i have found that the most intolerant people are the ones that claim to be so.

its the net, get over it already. if the person doesn't suit you..believe as you do..simply ignore.like i said the lifestyle is tailor made now.. kinda like build-a-path version of build a bear.

there are no fakes in this lifestyle since everyone is a part of it for their own reasons. There are of course, abusers,manipulators, and predators. their Dominance is still be very real..its just channeled out in the wrong direction.

i was asked the other day by a submissive why gorean kajira hate subbies. i wanted to laugh..but i didnt. i turned it around and asked her the same question. in my travles i have discovered a deep seeded hatred  between the two. i never understood this. while we are vastly different in many many aspects..are not our purposes the same? to please and be pleasing?

i was actually surpised  when she answered. she told me a subby is s subby for herself. it s apart of her she was born with. she is not a submissive to please a Man. i ws beginning to  be confused. my slvery is not for me. it is a part of me  yes. but im not  a slave for me. it as as must a part of me as breathing, as being female. my purpose...to serve and please, to be pleasing at all times.i exsist for a Masters touch..attention..guidance.. control.i guess a subbie is a subby just because she wants to be?

i do not hate submissive. and most kajia i know don't. but at the risk of getting slammed by mails from angry subbies. i have found most (NOT ALL) i met to  be highly amusing..undisciplined, and childish, closet Doms. they get jollies off of making Doms quiver in fear of speaking wrong towards them. i have had wonderful times with many subby sisters and ive learned and respect many. but she was getting me angry so i spouted off the bad stuff i have observed.

yes..she started to get angry. i told her i have met many true and wonderful unselfish and humble submissives.,so she shot off saying well kajira are man stealers, attention whores, and doormats with no life of our own.

boy did i miss that memmo. i knew she was simply retaliating..so i didn't let her words bother me so i explianed..

1)we are trained to please and be pleasing at all times, in everything we do, say, feel.so while our actions appear to be "man" stealing, they are quite the opposite. why do you think so many Ds Sirs are finding kajira training for their own girls? why do you think many subbies adopt our habits, mannerisms and such? why do you think many will call themselves slaves instead of subbies? we exist to please. you just have to remember that  pleasing...doesn't  just mean lapping or sex. that's  a very very narrow minded view.

2)attention whores? hardly. look at number one. and yes..while we love and crave a Masters attention, its not to get laid..or draw attention away from others in a room or setting. for us to pounce..and lap..and act bratty is an insult to our trainers, and those  that travel our path. its an insult to our Masters if we have one. appearance means alot to us..how we represent ourselves and our life path is very formost in our minds.  more often it brings unwanted attention and yes...the ire of submissives that may be around. but i don't exist to please subbies.

3) doormats, this is laughable. anyone that has read the books has had a chance to get to know kajira online and off will tell  you we are NOT doormats. slaves get catty.. they fight. they get territorial, tho we try to be subtle about it and not show it. a good kajora is never idle. she is always busy doing something. a girl that just sits around waiting to serve or  or pleasure a Master in his furs is rarely kept around.. in an online home..she si serving..writing.. teaching. (you think those chore and dance writings are easy??? try it sometime. we continuously learn about the world we chose to live in. in real life it took me almost 2 years to earn my red silks. and i earned them. nothing was ever given to me.there is so much soul searching your soul looks for its soul.

face it.. there are good and bad apples in all bunches. ive met some kajira that needed a reality check, and i know some subbies i admire. and i learn from them every chance i get.

so the hatred is ridiculous. the misunderstandings could easily be avoided if people took the time to learn why  everyone thinks as they do. we dont have to like it..agree with it.. but we do need to co-exsist..and respect the fact that there are those that do not think as we do.

there is never ever an excuse for rudeness.

i was told today that as a slave i cannot have limits.  i found this very amusing.  slaves actually can have limits.. they have the limits a Master allows them. also as an unowned girl it is my responsibility to look after myself so i am better able to serve and please.

how can i do this if i have no limits? it is dangerous..and just plain stupid. i dont believe a slave should come to a Master spouting off a long list of limits.  that to me is not a slave. the one major decision a slave makes is who she will serve. that is why its so important to get to know a person before You accept a collar. You find out there likes and dislikes. what makes them tick.even a slave and Master must be compatible..and  fit.

i have 4 basic limits. they are to me..just..plain wrong..and should never even be allowed near the lifestyle.. they are very hard limits.

scat

piss

animals

kids

there are many things in bdsm play that scares me or i find simply hilarious. and they are just.. weird things i would never bother with. but since im a traveler of the gorean path.. not many gorean Masters deal with bdsm. so to be honest.. the only time i  really have to deal with limits is if im around a  D/s Sir. as an unowned girl i need to take care of myself. how can i find an Owner if im broken..or battered. unable to serve and please?what good am i? so yes. i do have limits. im just not in Your face about them unless asked. then i speak of them. i just try to be really careful who i serve..

it has been a very interesting two days back. for the most part,  the notes have left a smile upon my face and leave me to believe i may have made a Friend or two.

why is is always assumed that the lifestyle is about sex? does not a Master challenge a girls mind intellectually? does serving a Man have only one meaning? sure sex is great. im am far from a prude. but if that is all that is offered me, all that there is, i get bored easily.

my lifestyle and path  as well as myself have been insulted..verbally battered. and no one knows me. while they send me all these great messages and stories of who and what they are.  and what they want..none but a  few have taken the time to get to know me.

i am not a charity case. i dont need a Man to fix me. my impasse is my own. i don't need pity. right now i dont feel i belong in my gorean based world.. and from what i have seen here. Ds is deffinatly not my cup of tea either. so i will continue to talk...i will be respectful. and i will read and hopefully find my way.

 some of whom ive met have helped me to understand the meaning of domineering and being dominant.

but do not tell me my world doesn't exist while trying to make me feel Your world does. i have been in this life for 31 years.. maybe my time is up.. i am old school and have changed little when  everything else has changed..and i dont feel safe or comfortable with what i see now...

my journey continues...

wow.. im on for a few minutes and received a lot of notes.. and thank You. im trying to answer them all.

for the most part..all have been very nice.

aside from AKMaster, who seems to think that because i am not bi and jump at the chance to  embrace his girl and i have no interest in a poly household has called me untrue. that  its my loss etc.

he wouldn't even allow me to reply..he blocked me. to me that equals pouting

i spose honesty has little place with some  people.. i don't believe its my loss. and just because i have no interest i don't think that means i "give up so easily" and im untrue.

luckily most i have met tonight are not like that.. give me some hope for this place..

~shakes head and saunters off~