notyrbbgrl

There is a class of kinksters who hold our kinks and fetishes near and dear to our hearts. They are a key part of our identities, maybe not so much the role but the importance of the fulfillment that it brings to our lives. Many of us can trace these feelings back to our formative years. Something lit a spark within us then, and we carried it with us. We recognized that spark as something significant but not yet understood, so we protected it. We found fuel from the most unsuspecting sources.?

For me the birth of the spark was the way a simple schoolyard game of cops and robbers made me feel alive. I eagerly looked forward to recess every day like everyone else, but it meant something more to me. The thrill of the chase fueled me, it didn't matter that I wasn't fast enough to avoid a premature capture. I never forgot about the satisfaction of being captured and "locked" away in the makeshift jail. I simultaneously felt like a criminal and a prized possession. I was deserving of the punishment of being restricted to my "cell", and yet I was safe in being closely watched to minimize the risk of my escape. Eventually the others shifted their focus to kickball and other games. I was devastated, but I never forgot about the feelings that would flood my brain as I ran as fast as my legs could carry me.

As I started to explore my kinky interests as an adult, I found that I held back in expressing to my partners the true depth that my desires held. It felt like a bother to ask for the struggle of a takedown and capture. I was disappointed in myself that I didn't feel the pull to submit to my partner simply because I was theirs. I wanted to be taken by force, stripped of every semblance of dignity and personhood. Demeaned and degraded to an end of utter brokenness. I wanted to be systematically and psychologically deconstructed. Viewed through a microscope as a specimen and studied. Every reaction noted as something to be used to further pick apart my psyche only to be later restored into a more pleasing state. Reprogrammed to suit the needs of whoever proved themself worthy through attentiveness, intensity, emotional intelligence, not effort alone. Eventually it became difficult to even qualify these feelings as desires as they took on a form much more akin to needs, and needs take more diligence.

Some of us need specific circumstances to truly thrive to the fullest extent. It saddens me that anyone would ever think to deny themselves of something so vital to their satisfaction in life and ultimately their happiness. I wonder why I ever did that to myself. Maybe it's just a part of accepting ourselves for who we are. It's only a case of asking too much if what's being offered in the first place is not enough for us. So here we all are, searching. Don't lose hope, and don't forget to protect your spark.?