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| i have been given a directive by my potential Dom. He will accept me as His submissive if i publicly declare here on Collarme to desist from any and all orgasms unless directed and choreographed by Him.
For me, who typically self arouses daily, if not two or three times per day, this is a fete that i am not confident that i can accomplish, but hope to be able to meet so that i can be considered worthy of His future attentions.
He has not placed a limit on my orgasm denial. He has, however, placed directives on daily activities such as edging from none to unlimited times per day as well as days (or, gawd forbid) weeks without touching my own pussy at all.
He is willing to accept suggestions from those willing to make them or who find me worthy of their time. He feels that there are way more Men out there who dream of witnessing the ache of a woman who willingly puts herself at His mercy.
i make this statement on the 17th day of October, 2008.
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I do apologize, it has been over a month since i've journaled and because of this, He wants me to describe one of the more intimate, most challenging sessions that He required of me from this last month and a half. I remain without orgasm, and no longer keep track of the days. It is what it is and, in case any of You are feeling sorry for me, please don't. I am more alive now than i have ever been and would wish this feeling on everyone. I wish it could be bottled and drunk because whoever manufactured it would make a fortune.
Approximately a week and a half ago, He finally revealed the reason for the purchase of a "hand" of ginger from the grocer store (He had purchased it approximately three weeks ago, leaving it in the refrigerator for that long, saying that ginger takes time to age and be perfect before use). He removed it from the refigerator, but off a finger of the ginger that was about a thumb's thickness and about 5 inches long and again placed it in a baggie and left this in the fridge for a week. Then, finally, about a week and half ago, He remove this from the baggie, peeled off the tough outer skin and created a flared end about one inche above the end of the finger of ginger. Throughout the day, He brought me to the edge from early morning... some times watching me perform the ritual while fondling Himself, and sometimes performing it himself. He then, whle watching me tap my swollen clitoris slowly, repeatedly, explained what "figging" is to me.
This is such a personal thing and very hard to write to the world, but while explaining figging to me, He had me raise my legs up and hook my toes into the wrought iron railing of my bed, legs wide opened while i still tapped... tapped... tapped my clit with my finger. Bringing some of the very slick fluids from my cunt to my ass, He began to massage my asshole gently, apply some pressure occasionally. We have not performed a large amount of ass play because He knows that this is an area that i have little experience in and he wants to approach it gently and slowly. So to say ths made me nervous is putting it lightly, especially while i was so aroused and made to tap... tap... tap my clit unrelentingly.
He did not want to use any lubrication on my asshole because He did not want the ginger to be coated with it which would reduce the effect He desired. Ginger, apparently, when aged like was in the refrigerator, becomes more potent and tangy. If any of you have had ginger, you must know that it causes a bit of a tingle on your tongue when you eat it, even a little bit of burning. Imagine this, then, on the sensitive tissues of your asshole as it is glided in and out... in and out... in and out... spread around so that the maximum effect is achieved and finally left inside... 4" inside... one inch outside where He carved the flange to ensure it did not slip inside me. Believe me, i still worried a lot about that and kept myself from clenching (which He did NOT want me to do anyhow), forcing myself to relax and just feel the burn of the ginger as it spread from my external asshole to deep inside of me... making me move and squirm and want to touch and itch the burn away. All while being made ot tap... tap... tap my clit in between His tongue lathing the very swollen bud.
The ginger was left inside of me for over an hour... by then, it begins to wear off and cannot be used again. We have, however, plenty more that he keeps aging and using when it has reached it's maximum burn. So far, we have only had one session with figging and i remain nervous for when He wishes to perform this again. Even after it was removed, i was not allowed to itch or touch my sensitive asshole, preferring to have me ache there as well as my clit and cunt for as long as it lasts... which was about 8 hours. I both LOVED this and HATED it and have to admit... i want more of it. More of Him... more of this... more of sinking into this warm pool of submission that i am deeply committed to.
Thank you all who read and please feel free to comment. He wishes me to again ask you for any ideas You may have to further test my commitment to remain without orgasm.
m |
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Ugh. It's been far too long, i know. Some of You have written to ask if i am okay (i have responded to all, and thank You so much for Your concern), and some new friends have asked questions about my progress.
I remain in denial, however, as i explaned to some of my friends here, i have had two ruined orgasms since being here last. I did not want to orgasm at all, but was given a choice to have a full and unrelenting, much-needed orgasm, or to not touch myself for a week. I was so torn, i could not make the decision, and so He made it for me, hence the "ruined" orgasm. Until i experienced it, i had no idea what it meant and thought it a myth (much like the g-spot), but oh was i wrong.
In essence, i was brought, over a period of an hour, to a 10 on a 1 to 10 scale and then all stimulation was removed. Without ties, without restraints, without anything but His constant, very stimulating sensation via toy and tongue, i was brought to the brink and then told to not move... not clench... not "do" anything and left there, aching and on that tight rope until i simply cried while He watched my cunt tremor and shudder involuntarily, emptily. After what seemed forever, i realized i was not feeling anything, very numb to touch (even His tongue), to warmth, cold and even a slap, yet still so tightened up inside that it was painful.
When i again requested that He make the decision 25 days later, He again performed this ritual, fully enjoying my torment and utter submission to His desire; giving in completely, aching terribly, wanting more, and feeling so fucking alive.
I cannot say that it is a good feeling. It is not. the return to sensation, to feeling warmth, cold, touch is a slow one and i almost do not realize when it returns. It takes a day or more to get there and it is accompanied by tests of ice cubes, heating pads, clamps, suction and vibration until i am again at a constant level 5 with the ability to ramp up to a level 9 within minutes... some days seconds.
Good news, however, if You had not already guessed. He has accepted me as His "experimental subject" after our fifth personal session and i am warmed by His care and concern for my health and well being. He does not joepardize my career by making unreasonable demands on public expressions of edging, and He constantly asks me to tell Him if He has gone to far or is about to go too far, and especially if i need to cum. Asking will no longer be punished by an extension of my denail period, as He states i have exceeded His expectations. I find i want to continue to do that and am very desirious of pleasing Him and staying in this beautiful state of arousal for as long as i can tolerate it.
Thank you all again for Your nice emails. They fuel my creative juices and i find that writing about my journey also enhances it greatly.
m |
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The Sunday after Thanksgiving!! Finally, family is gone, friends have stopped calling (or I am screening until tonight), and the turkey is sliced up and ready for sandwiches all week long.
My holiday started on Wednesday. Took the day off and cleaned my house and went grocery shopping, picking up all supplies for the big dinner, snacks, drinks, etc. Big grocery bill, that one. Then a long hot shower and a trip to the airport (one hour one way) to pick up family and drop off at more family's house, etc. I had some family staying with me on Thursday evening and also on Saturday night, so my scheduled edgings had to be modified on those days. I was able to keep my morning shower ritual without changing it (other than the length of time i usually spend in there), but my morning and evening rituals could not be done as efficiently as they are usually performed when no one is in the house.
Today, aside from one errand to pick up my dog's food for the month, is devoted to a level 8 or above the entire day. Beginning with the morning ritual which has been extended to an hour this morning of constantly bringing myself to the edge using a) my finger the first time; b) the little bug vibator; c) liquid V and rubbing my clit on the corner of the bed; d) and just the tip of my silver bullet while on hands and kneeds for a total of four edgings before getting up and out of bed. Then walk the dog for a fast one miler, using the extended leash to rub at the half mile mark during quiet traffic periods; now home and in the shower for 45 minutes using the water jets from the hand held shower head at various speeds/pulsations, etc., to total another three edgins. I am already feeling very swollen and puffy, reddened and tender; I can feel each heart beat on my clit, especially when the liquid V is massaged into the tissues and i am squishy with desire. I have written to some of you how much i love yet hate this; some days more than others.
I made the mistake of asking Him when i can cum, and was told that whenever that was.... it has now been extended another two weeks. I have learned not to ask.
Off to the shower. Thank You all for Your input and suggestions!!!
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A planned weekend in Lake Arrowhead for the last four days was a challenge. I and 12 other women went to quilt and eat, drink and be merry. I kept the iPhone close by and often received orders for edgings throughout the weekend: Four times on the day of arrival (Thursday); seven times on Friday; only once on Saturday; and twelve (!) times on Sunday (the day we drove home). The bathroom at the rented home we were in saw a lot of me, as well as the balcony in the very early morning before anyone awoke. It was VERY cold out there and i now have a cough and stuffy nose, but i did as i was told. The drive home was to be discrete edgings in the various stops that we made along the way (quilt shop bathrooms), and if possible in the car when no one else was in it. Admittedly (i did have to admit to my potential Dom) i was only able to achieve 6 edgings before getting home and then had to perform the rest while at home. One in the restroom at the home of the person who was watching my dog for the weekend and i went to go pick her up, and once in my car on the way back from doing so. This meant that i had four more to do while sitting at home, and in between unpacking and putting this away. I drifted off to sleep a very frustrated submissive, tired but also alert to my body's needs.
My labia and mons feel constantly swollen and i can feel a pulsing that is always present there. Each heart beat a dagger toward my clit which causes my muscles to clench tightly all the time. If i gain nothing from this, i will at least end up with some very tight abs since my belly is constantly clenched. I always feel slick and wet (how He wants me at all times) which is distracting while at meetings at work or, like this weekend, in a group of women sewing their hearts out. Liquid V was also a constant companion while not edging, keeping me tingly and pulsing when not touching.
The last edging on the balcony, so early it was still dark outside, and VERY cold. In my robe, sitting on a chair, legs opened as wide as possible, ear piece on and in my ear while i panted and described the scenery to Him, all the while edging over and over... hoping to hear those words after the question... "Do You want to cum, slut?" Knowing that the right answer... the ONLY answer is to say "no" even though my body is screaming "yes, oh please, gawd, yes". |
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Today (Saturday, Nov. 1) is a day of trials for me. I am to continually edge, stay at or above a level 8 on a one to ten scale of arousal. I am given a list of tasks every two hours andi am to report in by phone when each one is nearly finished. He wishes to hear my torment.
There is a new topical liquid that He sent to me last week. Today was the first day i used it. It is called Liquid V and it takes a few minutes once applied to begin to activate and cause both cold and heat sensation to my clitoris. I love and hate this liquid.
His clit and pussy (yes, they belong to Him) is swollen and slick with want. Just as He says He wants it... at all times not only this weekend... but ultimately each and every day once He accepts me and begins my training in earnest.
I am on high alert. Senses heightened, not just those that are between my legs, but hearing, tasting, touching, smelling. My only regret is that this taken me so long to get to this point in my life. No more wasted time.
m |
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| Age: 19 |
| Los angeles,
California |
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