Vertical Line


First and foremost, I am not interested in online-only relationships or chatting. I dont knock it, I just have a preference for real flesh meeting and interaction. This means that if we hit it off, you will be expected to make efforts to meet me in real life.

The primary image on my profile is from my recent trip to Thailand, where I got to play with murder kitties (tigers). I was there for a sexual slave training hypnosis seminar... Just saying. *smiles*

I run a private Female-Led Relationships group on Facebook. Please feel free to request to join. Female dominants and tops and male and female submissives and switches interested in learning more about FemDom and FLRs are welcome. I also run an open group on FetLife Search Women In Charge on both.

I am a primarily dominant woman. I do switch in sexual play, and I enjoy it, with the right people. However, my energy is dominant, or alpha, if you prefer. I would never be a good submissive for anyone.

I am super-smart and interested in your mind as much as your body. Im good at sex and sensuality and believe there is more to a successful encounter than a grab for the genitals.

I am poly-minded. I am also very selective.

What my poly usually looks like is that I take loverssubmissives as I choose (did I mention Im selective? I did. I flirt A LOT, and like to explore possibilities), and I share my toys with my friends, women and men, as preferences allow. Its a good time for all.

In my friend choices, I am wide open and accept all manner of personality quirks and foibles. In my partner choices, I am more rigid.

I am NOT new to the lifestyle. Ive been a registered member on FL for 8+ years, and that was just a recent phenomenon. Look me up by the same name there to learn more about me, if youd like. I also write how-to books about the lifestyle, essays and stories, often about Female-Led Relationships, but not always.

I am looking to meet new people, outside of my current circles. For friendship, possibly for play (I tend towards long-term arrangementsless than a handful in the past 20 years. To be clear I dont play casually).

I am also looking specifically for a primary partner. Im not desperate, or needy. I just like to have that companionship. I have a long-term Pet that I adore and see often (hes featured in a few of my photos, including a pic of him in stockings and a cage). I also cuckold him.

I am looking for clean, attractive, engaging, and wanting to be led. I dont do bratty.

Different body types are considered. The spark is the key. I am moderately active, so being able to keep up (and possibly enjoying some woodland scenes) is important.

For the men

I am open to the possibility of partnering with a dominant man for love and co-topping, but that would take a truly spectacular man and dominant to earn my heart and mind.

You are a driven, sometimes-aggressive submissive maleslave who enjoys your masculinity and surrendering to me.

You are also preferably heteroflexible or bi. It helps satisfy my greed, LOL! That said, a VERY suitable straight man could be considered.

For the women

You enjoy courtship and being treated like a woman, being told you are a good girl, and beautiful, while sparring intellectually, and letting your hair down for fun.

You enjoy spending time with women and men, and feeling that rush of sexual energy running through you all day long.

You may be a lesbian or not interested in men sexually. Thats possible for the right candidate. Although I would love a completely bisexual girl (who finds my Pet attractive as well), there need not be contact between he and you. However, there would need to be comfort in nakedness and side-by-side serving, with the understanding that no boundaries would ever be crossed.

For all yall (in the south, yannow)

You are submissive, and wanting to revel in the deep trust and affection that goes along with offering another your mind, heart, and body.

You get hot texting with your partner(s) to create the sexual tension leading to an intense evening together.You realize that creating a red hot Ds relationship is often not simple, but it should feel easy, fun and sexy, and the rewards are beyond most peoples wildest imaginations.

You realize that attraction does rely at least partially on looks.

Your looks are not all I am interested in, though. You must be smart, curious, interesting, and communicate well to catch my eye.

We will take it slow. I am not interested in collaring you within the week, or beating you black and blue on our first meeting (if ever). I am very into the mental aspects of Ds, and I am the primary leader. I will take your mind for a journey of sexual freedom, self-love, and finding yourself in trust and adoration for your domme.


Consent is critical. As is communication. And affection.When writing, please introduce yourself, send a photo (if you do not have one in your profile), and tell me exactly what caught your interest in this profile. If you are not within an hour or so of me geographically, then also provide your plan for meeting me in person within the next two weeks. If you write wanting more than a simple friendship without ANY of these things, I may ask you ONCE, I may simply decline. I prefer someone with an attention to detail and a willingness to per. Thank you for reading, and best of luck in fulfilling your fantasies!

It's Like Toilet Paper Bondage...

Behavior modification, that is.

It's not like handcuffs or chains, where you do something once, and they are bound by your directive, until you free them.

It's far more subtle.


Like restraining someone with toilet paper.

One layer of toilet paper wrapped around their body is real enough to feel, to KNOW, but not enough to hold them.

However, once you've put in enough layers (reinforcement) in enough ways (places), their reality is constrained to what you desire.

Behavior modification is like that. It's not one and done.

It's not something that is set into place, then sticks forever.

It takes tending. Cultivating. Encouraging. More and more layers.

It's like toilet paper bondage.

Five Point Scale For Topping

One day, I ran across this interesting Five Point Scale For Bottoms

post, and while I know that it is too simplistic to cover everything, AND I eschew labels as a be-all-end-all, I also thing it's a very cool idea and way to communicate a preference/concept quickly and effectively.

1. Fetish bottom: "Worship my boots and shine them brightly."

Fetish tops differ from other types of fetishists in that the /activity they eroticise is associated with a bottom. In their purest form, they have little need to interact with the bottom or dominate others in real life encounters.

2. Sadist top: "I'd love to whip you until you safeword."

Sadists take things a bit further, and look for bottoms that will allow them to subject their subjaspects to pain, humiliation, and possibly physical control, such as bondage. The dynamic of the scenes is still one of equality, and it is clear that everything is done for mutual gratification, and ends where the scene does.

3. Roleplay dominant: "I'll be the professor, and you be my student..."

This involves assuming roles for a temporary scene (from a few hours up to a few days) which would normally be associated with inequality and with one person having power or authority over the other: for example, a store detective blackmailing a shoplifter into obeying him. However, it is understood that the goal of the scene is direct mutual satisfaction for both top and bottom (eg, that the "shoplifter's" desire to be held down, "ravished" and sworn at is catered to.)

4. Lifestyle dominant: "Here's how I want things done."

This can sometimes be difficult to distinguish from a long term relationship involving roleplay dominance. However, the essential feature of a lifestyle dominant is their desire to enjoy service over time, in an ongoing relationship. The dominant accepts service with ongoing expectations (negotiated) of timing and quality, for as long as the relationship remains, or until terms are renegotiated.

5. Master: "I will make your life decisions for you."

A Master differs from other types of tops in that they take full ownership of the slave bottom, making decisions not only on submission and the relationship, but on their lives in total. The only decision not within the Master's purview is whether the slave chooses to end the relationship. Therefore, the Master is defined by their relationship with their slave: "Ownership rather than obedience is the defining quality of slavery; obedience rather than ownership is the defining quality of submission."

For myself, within these labels, I'd sit solidly within 4. That's who I am, as other kinds of topping are all about finding the sweet spot to inspire greater submission and furtherance of the relationship itself.

What are your thoughts?

Where do you fall as a top or as a bottom on these scales? Do you find them useful at all?

I think they are quite useful, and use them in discussions with others, to understand them better. Not because other (and more words) won't work, but because this gives a mutual starting point to discuss in further detail.

When You Limit Your Vulnerability, You Limit Your Love

Sure, people can love you.

For what they know of you. For what they see. For what you allow them to see and to know.

But if you do not allow them to see your flaws, your weaknesses, your vulnerabilities, they cannot love you for them as well.

Those hidden things don't exist in their world of YOU.

And that hurts everyone.

But it hurts you most.

Because you will constantly feel like you are loved ONLY when you are good. ONLY when you are strong. ONLY when you live up to the image you have projected of yourself, instead of being yourself.

And that's a valid choice.

Especially if you are healing yourself from a broken heart, broken promises, or broken trust.

Just understand the choice you are making, so you can make another when it's the right time for you.

Put Yourself First, Always

To some, this is self-evident advice. To others, it feels anathema. For a great majority, it's just fucking confusing.

Especially in kink. Because, well, we take on roles (both voluntarily and unconsciously) that often require giving up our focus on ourselves or focusing on ourselves, but not too much.

Where is the line?

I've discussed this before, in my writing, "The Needs Hierarchy". I will summarize what I believe for this post.

Dominant's Priorities:

1. Dominant's Needs
2. Submissive's Needs
3. Dominant's Wants
4. Submissive's Wants

Submissive's Priorities:

1. Submissive's Needs
2. Dominant's Needs
3. Dominant's Wants
4. Submissive's Wants

Even with our chosen/inborn roles (whichever you believe is OK with me), I believe that ultimately, every capable adult human is responsible for making sure their own needs get met.

That means practicing self-care. Speaking up when something is missing. Communicating to others when things are not going right and so on.


Dominant, submissive, top, bottom, owner, property, pet, master, slave, vanilla... I believe everyone is responsible for making sure their own needs get met.

That is what I mean when I say "Put yourself first, always." It's what financial advisers mean when they say, "Pay yourself, first." It's what airline personnel mean when they say, "If you are traveling with a small child, secure your own mask first."

Because if you do not take care of your needs, you may have nothing left to help others with theirs.

But what about wants?

Well that's where our roles come in. That's where the line gets drawn in the sand.

For dominants, well, yes, our needs are above our submissive's needs, but our submissive's needs are more of a priority than our wants.

And for submissives, yes, your needs must come before ours, but both our needs and our wants get higher priority (with exceptions, in some cases) than your wants.

Though, it's important to keep in mind that a want ignored for too long can become a need.

No, you don't need a hug RIGHT NOW... but if you don't get that hug at some point, it could quite possibly become critical to your well-being.

So, even wants are important.

But they have more wiggle room.

And it's not just kink.

This is a balance that you can find anywhere, even in the vanilla world.

You MUST be able to think clearly to lead others. Therefore, your need for taking care of yourself, so you can be there for others (co-workers, kids, friends) who need you is key.

When I was growing up, I got the message that complete selflessness in a relationship was the goal. I would put my partner's needs and wants before my own, to the detriment of my well-being, to try to do the right thing (even when I didn't understand that).

All of my relationships, romantic and otherwise, have benefited from me prioritizing my needs. When I take space to be alone and practice self-care, I have more energy to devote to my friends and my lovers, and they feel the energy I have to give them so much more strongly.

Less time is more quality time, and I very rarely snap at people over a difficult day, because I take care of me before I see them, or in extreme cases, I bow out, so that I can recover and not spread the cranky virus.

Do you put yourself first?

Or, do you totally disagree with my point? What are your experiences from either side?

is it different with kink for you than with vanilla life and relationships? Or the same?

You. Must. Talk Dirty. To. Me. (Or, provide a valid reason, open to proof and defense from all sides, on the proper forms, in triplicate.)

I tend to be direct.

Very direct.

I mean what I say, when I say it.

Sure, sometimes I'm wrong, or I change my mind, but generally, you can take my words, especially about myself, at face value.

You can also believe that I took care in saying exactly what I meant.

And when I say that I don't want to speak sexually with a total stranger on the internet, that seems, to me, like it should be clear.

Apparently, it's not. Case in point (bold is mine):

Duuuuude (second message):

Would You be interested in chatting? :)


If by chatting, you mean talking sexually, no. If you mean having meaningful conversation about topics of mutual interest, maybe.


Alright, well I did mean chatting in the general sense.
But "talking sexually" is such a broad phrase, which can mean a wide variety of things. Do I want to role play? No. Do I want to cyber sex? No. Would I like to potentially explore a D/s dynamic if we happen to click? Probably. I'm up for all intelligent conversation, and since it seemed like you are also intelligent and listed as looking for a submissive, I assumed that "talking sexually" in the context of D/s would be acceptable and certainly not a red line from the get go?
I'm inclined to give you the benefit of the doubt and label your reaction as a disenchantment and displeasure with the way a lot of the guys on here correspond with you.


There is no benefit of the doubt needed. I said exactly what I meant.

I am not, right now, consenting to sexual discussion.

It does not matter why or in what context. It matters that I said that.

As far as looking for a sub goes, I would still not talk with you sexually, until I chose to open the door to that. I choose my partners carefully, by liking them as humans, first, rather than by their sexual proclivities.

I also do not play outside of my relationships and tribe, except in cuckolding, and I already have a cuckold Pet and bulls I see.

So, take that as you will.

If you'd like to have a conversation about something you think may interest both of us, then let's do it.

If not, I get it. Simply a lack of communication compatibility.


I also agree with you and always prefer to talk "as humans" first. I apologize if something I said in my first message triggered something, but I never intended to imply that I am only seeking sexual discussion.
But, it's kind of ironic that you seem to be so closed off to discussing topics related to sexuality since you yourself write erotica and say in your profile that "you are not shy about sexuality" and that you "... enjoy talking about everything from sexuality to philosophy".
So to me it seems like you're imposing a bit of a double standard?
Again, I'm not the one who even attempted to initiate sexual conversation, yet somehow I have to convince the girl that publicly advertises her enjoyment of discussing sexuality and writing erotica that I have no intentions to even think about engaging in sexual conversation?


Let me explain something to you.

You validate my consent in the first paragraph, then say "but" and invalidate it all.

I choose who and when to discuss sexual topics. It is no double standard. You also get to consent, when that happens.

I think, perhaps, you are not clear on how all this works.


First of all, I'm not sure why you felt the need to "preempt" me by making it clear that sexual discussion is indeed out of the equation when I hadn't even suggested such a conversation. It's like trying to earnestly dissuade a vegetarian from eating at a steakhouse.
Of course you choose whether or not you want to have a sexual conversation. I was simply pointing out the irony in your unnecessary insistence on imposing these restrictions when it's pretty clear from your profile that you are generally interested in talking about the very things you say you aren't interested in talking about.
If you had qualified what you said by saying that you don't want to talk sexually specifically with me then that's fine. I would never tell a girl I'm not interested in dating generally after she contacts me after reading my profile on a site specifically for dating.


Wow, you have a lot to say about how I am allowed (in conversation with you) to speak my preferences.

I'm not interested in a dominant (or should that be , "I'm not interested in specifically you being a dominant to me"?).

Best of luck to you.


Of course you're allowed to say anything you want (I'm not sure how you arrived at the conclusion that I was implying that somehow you weren't?).
I was simply pointing out how the way you communicated your preferences was inconsistent with what was written in your profile.
I'm VERY submissive and have never, and will never (most likely), look to be in a dominant position towards anyone.
With that being said, that does not mean I don't appreciate intelligence, which I thought you had?
Ans again, you are clearly allowed to say anything, but being allowed to say something and saying something intelligent are two completely different things :)
Have a good one!



I made the point about dominance as a joke to try to make you realize how ridiculous your repeated points are. I overestimated you. My apologies for the confusion.

So again, you write to me giving me permission to say what I want, but qualifying it as not being very intelligent.

Because I simply stated that I did not want to speak sexually in our conversation.

So far, you've written hundreds of words on that topic, instead of just accepting it.

To be clear, I very much enjoy talking about sexuality. Just like I enjoy speaking about philosophy.

However, I don't enjoy (or attempt to) talk philosophy with everyone. I don't enjoy talking about deep philosophical matters just anywhere. I don't enjoy talking philosophy at just any time.

Would you question me so closely about whether it were YOU that was the factor?

Would you care as much?

Or is it something specifically about sexuality that is sticking in your craw?

It doesn't matter.

And speaking about sexuality (which I love) is a different beast than chatting sexually.

A point which you seem to be missing.

You are coming across as pushy and entitled by complaining so continuously that I made a simple statement of intent (which is inconsistent with your stated desire to NOT talk sexually right now, anyway).

To be crystal clear: I'm not interested in further engagement with you and I won't respond again.

Best of luck to you in finding what you seek.


You were the one who initiated demarcation of the lines of conversation to exclude sexuality without me even having so much as hinted at wanting

Oh HELL Yeah! According To Studies, Sex CAN Make You Happier, Overall


And I thought it was all in my head.

LOL! No, I really didn't. I have know since I was... well, since I started having sex that sex makes me happier, more creative, more engaging, more energetic, more loving, more tolerant, healthier, and probably a gadzillion things more that I am not bringing to mind right now.

Now, there are people studying this shit and proving it.

And that makes my sweet little science-y heart sooooo freaking happy.

Now, I can totally use science to shame my Pet into giving me more of the sex I need and want to be a better person!

KIDDING! Like, really kidding.

BUT, I can use it as a great reason to give him more of the sex he needs and wants to be a better person AND benefit from it as well. LOL!

Anyway, here are two references (an article and a book), if you're into geekery, reading about studies, and don't just want to take my word as gospel (what?!?):

  • For a Profound Sense of Meaning in Life, Have Sex,
  • Vagina: A Cultural History,

What If... You Don't Need To Fix It?

What if... they are not broken?

What if... you are not broken?

What if... it's important to experience negative emotions and a full range of emotional expression?

WHY do we always want to brighten our moods? To be more productive? To seem like we are in a better place than we are? To be happy?

Happiness is the new religion everyone chases and proselytizes.

I can say this: Happiness is NOT ALWAYS what's good for us.

I have made that mistake for myself in the past.

I liken it to dieting. ONE FOOD is not good for me. My body needs biodiversity.

Our brains are the same.

We need to feel many different types of emotions, it allows us our full expression and awareness of ourselves and the world around us.

Anthony Robbins has this talk about how most people feel 4-5 emotions on a regular basis:

  • Sad
  • Angry
  • Happy
  • In Love
  • Annoyed

Lets say those are your five. And you cycle through those day after day, day in, day out.

Whatever comes along, you have to fit it in there, because you are in a rut, and these are the well-worn pathways in your brain.

Out of those five, if you're not happy or in love, you're sad, angry, or annoyed.

You see the problem here?

But what if you add in:

  • Content
  • Silly
  • Joyful
  • Lustful
  • Cranky
  • Perplexed
  • Dissatisfied
  • Mischievous
  • Proud
  • Furious
  • Thoughtful
  • Romantic
  • Thankful
  • Needy
  • Determined

Emotions are there for a reason.

To teach us about the world and how we feel about it. To point out things that are wrong and things that are right. To give the the green/yellow/red for our entire life's experience.

There are so many different emotions to experience. Why would we want to choose only happiness above all others?

Why would you want to choose that for someone else?

You are not broken.

You just need a safe place to be, until you are good with yourself or have a direction to move forward.

They are not broken.

They just need you to be a safe place for them to be with you, until they are good with themselves or have a direction to move forward.

Ask About Kink: I would love some kind of relationship with a dominant woman. Do you think one should start with the dominant woman and create a relationship or find a woman that one connaspects with and groom her to be dominant?

Ask About Kink: Must a submissive be a “blank slate” for their dominant to be?

Video Link here:

Ask About Kink: What is "Pure" BDSM?

"Every Woman I’ve Ever Met Is Different Than The One Before," He Said.

He is 73. His wife is 17 years younger. His girlfriends (yes, multiple) are often a third of his age.

He's not traditionally attractive. He's not rich. He's not an ass-kisser or sycophant.

He's not all the excuses many men make when they can't get women interested. He is just exactly himself, and kind of an asshole.

"Every women I’ve ever met is different than the one before.
If you don’t think so, then you’re not paying attention, and if you’re not paying attention, you’re not going to be any good.
I think it helps that I actually love women."

A lesson, right there. For those who care to hear.

Who You Are Is More Important Than What You Do

However, what you do will overshadow who you are to people who don't know you, pretty much every time.

For example, I may love you dearly, and still tell you that you are being an asshole.

That doesn't mean that you are an asshole, but that you are behaving like one, right now.

Or, I might accuse you of mansplaining, as I have recently someone in a thread. I am not suggesting anything about you as a person with that, except that you are currently the kind of person doing that behavior.

It's not worth getting upset about being called out on behavior (although we all do it, to various degrees—it's reflex, just try to get better at receiving that kind of information). at least, not if it's not WHO YOU ARE.

But, it is worth examining your behavior—or at least if you don't think it's consistent with who you are—and determining if you are REALLY acting in alignment with your personal values.

Because that's how you grow and become more of who you are, not just to yourself, but also to others in how you present yourself.

Photos And Consent...

Yesterday, on my Dating Kinky Facebook Page

, a newish fan was making some conversation, and suggested that "she" could send photos of her body, so I could see her "boobies," since she likes girls, too.

I declined, mentioning that the page is a professional account, and even if it weren't, I had no interest in her body, as I don't do online, and I don't know her.

She returned with the offer to show me photos of her "ex-husband, who had a nice-sized cock."

I responded that she was not a good match for my page or my site, if she was going to offer other peoples' photos in chats without their permission, which is when she said, "All the photos are mine. What kind of kinky site is this if you can't even see naked photos?"

I blocked her.

And really started thinking.

I mean, I think we all know that we shouldn't post or share photos of people, especially in kinky positions or naked without their consent, right?

Yes. We do.

And I'm just as sure that we have all seen the discussions of:

"Ewww! Dick pics!"
"You're on a kinky site, what do you expect?"

My answer: I expect my consent AS A VIEWER to be respected as well.

So, how does one do this? Because right now, the assumption is based on the idea that if you are on a kinky/adult site, you are agreeing to see other peoples' goody bits, no matter how attractively or unattractively displayed, whenever and however they wish to show them to you—as an avatar, in your feed, whatever.

And I don't agree with that.

I mean, I'm actually not offended by dick pics. I don't care one way or another. If it's not my cock (I own it), it's just another thing to me.

I feel the same way about boobs and va-jay-jays.

There are some that do find it offensive to suddenly find themselves talking to a boner or a gaping asshole.

Are they somehow less kinky?
Does their consent somehow matter less?

I don't think so.

So, for Dating Kinky, I have chosen a different take in my new version.

Here's how it works:

  • Member A uploads a photo, consenting for others to see it, marking it as public or for friends.
  • Photo is moderated through technology and an actual human moderator: If it is explicit, it is marked as such, and is therefore not available to use as an avatar.
  • Member B visits Member A's profile, and clicks to view photos that the privacy settings allows them to see. Explicit photos are marked with a symbol and hidden.
  • Member B clicks on an explicit photo, and is presented with a dialog: "This is an explicit photo. Do you wish to view it?"
  • The answer options are: "Yes," "No," "Show any explicit photos from Member A," and "Show all explicit photos."

So, Member A consents by uploading the photo and setting their privacy levels.

Member B consents based on the photo, the person, or the entire site.

Dual consent.

Just like in real life. If Person A wants to show me their penis, they ask if I'd like to see it. I can say "Yes, this time," "Yes," "No," or whatever.

We both have control over our experiences.

Why would online be any different?

Another example:

  • Members A and B are messaging back and forth, or chatting.
  • Member B sends an attachment.
  • Member A clicks, and is presented with a dialog: "Member B has sent a JPG attachment. Are you expecting this?"
  • The answer options are: "Yes," "No Way!" and "I approve all attachments from Member B."

Again, giving BOTH people control over their personal experience, without infringing on the other's rights or comfort level.

This is one of the things we are working on right now.

So, what, if anything might I be missing in this? What are your thoughts on consent to see images online, especially in a kinky site?

Love Means Never Having To Say You're Sorry... Cough Cough...


Love means doing everything in your power to not have to say it, but saying it immediately and sincerely when it's called for, because you are not an asshole.

No, I Don't Have Penis Envy

Someone told me that my "self-styled dominance" is simply penis envy.

Let me state for the record:

I don't have penis envy.

I have a dozen (or more, now) cocks of all shapes, sizes and colors. And I can get a variety of bio ones whenever I want, too!


Anal! ANAL! ANAL!!! (Did I Get Your Attention? LOL!)

I'm super-duper excited! I'm doing a two-part series in DC at Black Rose based on my book In Through The Out Door: All about anal play and intercourse for men and women including pegging.

We kick it off Tuesday, May 15th at 8pm for an overview of what makes for awesome anal, how the back door works, and safety tips. (Black Rose Calendar:

On Saturday, May 19th, I'll host a two-hour hands-on workshop showing you about how to increase anal pleasure and sensitivity, while reducing pain. (Black Rose Calendar:

I'm totally geeked about this, because I've always believed there is more to anal than simply putting it in and going.

After some very not-thrilling experiments, I decided to do my own research, explore the back door, and found a whole new world of pleasure accessible to any gender that can stand on it's own, or be added to other sexual encounters and activities to heighten the experience.

A few reviews:
If you're ever interested in a little back door play I'd definitely recommend one of nookie's classes or her book, she'll ease your nerves and help you loosen up! (Pun intended!)
by Frosty

Entertaining as well as informative.
by cdbisex

Unfiltered and humorous and makes every class fun with her outgoing personality. I always look forward to these classes. Well thought out, well presented and questions and participation are always welcomed.
by Hunter_Zoloman
Any one who has ever been to one of Nookie's classes knows what kind of vibrant instructors she is.. Informative, entertaining and well known as a NC favorite. She has taught many times at La Fortress and has never disappointed. A true educator and wonderful member of our community!
by adventuresekr

There you have it. There are more where those came from.

Any class I teach is guaranteed to be chock full of information and anecdotes, and I do my damnedest to get you smiling and laughing with my stories and explanations. Because fun learning sticks with you better!

I hope you can join me in one of my favorite cites to visit, DC, and maybe discover a new erogenous zone for yourself or your partner... OR learn more about making the most of your butt in play!


A Sixth Love Language?

I've mentioned the 5 Love Languages

in many of my classes and even more of my private discussions.

It's a great framework for understanding how others accept love in ways that may be different than your own (especially good for behavior modification and communication!).

And yet, about a year ago, I read something that has made me think long and hard over the possibility of a love language that hasn't really been discussed much.


Consider if this rings true for your experience: some people express their affection in the form of joking, teasing, games and silliness. This is something found not only in my romantic relationships, but also is usually part of the dynamic in the family of origin.

And a great sense of humor (to me), is a big asset in partner selection, and does not specifically fit within the other five love languages.

What do you think, CS hive mind?

Would you consider Play a useful sixth love language? Not that we have any right to change the originals, but that it might help in understanding others even better to add such a thing in our internal discussions.

A Beginning To A Story...

I'm not sure exactly where I'll go with this. But for some reason, I had to write it, and I feel like posting it as well.

Even though it's not done.


Well, for what it's worth, here it goes:

The bar is crowded and noisy. The playoffs are in full swing, with the winner going to the Super Bowl, and the testosterone floats through the air like the cigarette smoke that used to make it's home there.

It's a guys' night out. You left me at home, curled up with a good book and the cat. I'll probably be fast asleep by the time you walk through the door. You may have to carry me to bed, if I don't rouse and want service.

You're on your third beer, yelling at the TV. Your team was robbed, and instead of being 10 points ahead, it's only 7, now. Too close with the last quarter just beginning.

It's been a lively game, and your friends are yelling with you. A few are on your side, but the rest are rooting for the other team, in good-natured competition. You glance across the table and see H sitting there. He turns and meets your eyes, and nods, raising his nearly empty glass.

You incline your own head and drain the last of your own brew and head to get more.

It's a madhouse, and you are waiting for a few downs, watching the game. A turnover gets you screaming in joy, when you feel a presence behind you. You turn, and look up into H's brown eyes as his large hand wraps around your cock, through your jeans, clamping down on you, just shy of painfully, making a direct point.

You freeze.

You wonder who can see, what will happen next. Your face heats with humiliation. Your lips part to say something, but you can't move.

Then his eyes leave yours and he smiles, reaching around you to grab his newly delivered beer from the bartender.

His eyes come back to yours, and he says in a low voice, "Remember the fuck stool."

You immediately shudder in remembrance of that night, and you can feel a large surge of precum wet the front of your shorts, inside your jeans.

His smile widens as he watches. He knows what just happened, what that means.

"Now, pay for our beers. I'll drop yours at the table, and go call your Queen.

"Tell her what you just did. And how you felt, remembering."

You turn away, and his large hand closes on your shoulder, to turn you back around.

"And," he says, "You have to leave the bar. Stand outside. Miss the next play, and the one after, and the one after that, while you tell your Queen what a dirty little slut you are."

"Only when she is satisfied may you come back in for the rest of the game. If there is any left."

Humiliation wars with frustration and excitement. You have no idea how much of the game you're going to miss, and yet, you don't think of disobeying. H has proven himself very capable of handling your little outbursts, and that would definitely cost you the full game, plus my displeasure.

You hate displeasing me.

You pay for the beers in a haze, visions of the fuck stool swimming in your mind. That night. That hot, humiliating night. The night when you gave away everything. Your self-control, your self-respect, everything, to be the greedy little ass slut I asked you to be.

You push out through the door of the bar, looking around outside for a private spot to place your call. It rings long enough, you think you may be off the hook, and I've already fallen asleep.

"Mmmm. Hello, sweetie," I murmur. "Is the game over already?"

"No, My Queen. H instructed me to call you and confess."

You hear my voice perk up. "Oh, really? And what are you confessing, my dear, sweet boy?"

You glance around again, looking for those who could possibly overhear, "I am a dirty little slut, who just wetted his shorts, My Queen."

"And why did you do that, my Pet?" I ask.

You take a deep breath. "Because H told me to remember the fuck stool."

You hear me laugh. "Is that all it took?" I ask.

"Yes, My Queen," you whisper, slightly ashamed, while your cock stirs.


"And what?" you ask.

"Is that all, my Pet?" I ask. "Is that all H asked you to do?"

You start, because you'd almost forgotten his full directions.

Oh, that would have been bad. You know H is probably texting me right now, and if I wasn't seeing the messages already, I would be. The trouble of not completing a task is as bad as refusing to do it to begin with.

"No, My Queen. H also instructed me to tell you how I felt, and that I'm not allowed to go back in to watch the game until you're satisfied."

"Mmmm," you can hear the smile in my voice. "Well, you'd better tell me, and in amazing detail. Because if you get to the end, and I'm not satisfied, you'll have to start all over from the beginning, and you'll surely be standing there until midnight."

Another shudder, and release of precum. You know that's no idle threat. You begin...

"No one has ever loved my pervy mind like you do."

It's because I love you, and that is part of you.

Do you go overboard, sometimes? Sure, you do. We all do. But if I love you, I love all of you, including your flaws and imperfections.

Even when I'm cranking about them.

Even when I hurt from them.

Because they are you.

I love you when you're being stubborn. That's part of why I fell for you, you know. After all, you have to be a match for me.

I also love when you are yielding. It's so sexy when you say, "Yes," especially when I ask the most delicious, wicked things of you.

I love you when you have eyes only for me. I enjoy the power of being your whole world.

I love you when you flirt (and more) with people that you find attractive, and when they find you attractive. I adore owning someone who is so very charismatic and desirable and full of sexual energy.

I love you when you are HERE with me, in the moment, and the world doesn't seem to exist outside of US.

I love you when you get that faraway look in your eyes, and you're not here anymore, but trying to solve work problems that weigh on you, because you are committed.

To me, love is a whole-person feeling. Not a pieces-parts thing.

I love all of you.

Especially your pervy mind. grins

Broken Dolls

As some of you know, I and @selene73 were the victims of a hit-and-run in August of 2017. About 6 months ago, now.


I hadn't realized the time.


If you don't know details and you want them, they are here.

Anyway, I was wearing a necklace that I've had for years. I've always loved this necklace, from the first moment I laid eyes on her, and I immediately bought her and I was so thrilled.

My ex-husband hated her and thought she was creepy. I still loved her, and, eventually as our relationship soured, I used her as a bit of a "fuck you," when I wore her.

Not my finest hour (years, really, but who's counting?). I know.

After the accident, she was horribly twisted and bent where the impact of the airbag had hit me, and her hand had come off completely, the loop holding it onto the arm broken.

I kept her, because I wanted to hope that she could be healed.

And so, she lay, broken and mangled on my vanity. I'd look at her, and see the wreckage, and it hurt my heart, even as I was healing physically, much more slowly than I wanted, and WAY more slowly than I would admit, to anyone—even myself.

I was cleared to get back to the gym in November. And I went.

But I hurt more. And not just in good muscle-y ways, but in HURT ways.

My breath capacity was still fucked from the steroids. I felt like my exertional asthma was 10x worse. I pushed myself, because I didn't know what else to do.

In January, I told myself I was healed. Everyone else assumed I was healed, because, why wouldn't I be? We drove to Nashville to visit a friend and practice hypnosis to prepare for my travel to Thailand. On that drive, I had visions of accidents out of our control over and over.

  • Skidding and going through a railing, off the mountain.
  • Other cars skidding into us.
  • Deer jumping onto the road in front of us.
  • Lot of unformed, dreading thoughts.

And, of course...

  • A car hitting us and leaving. Again.

I was not healed. I was so very not healed. My body was trying so hard to get better, but my head was holding me back.

And this was the first I really knew of it.

Once I recognized that I was traumatized, I realized that I was hurting from the crash. That I was worried I would not recover fully, that I might be damaged permanently.

I needed to realize that to let it go.

And, perfect timing, I went to Thailand the next weekend for just over two weeks.

I was in a different place, a different culture, and I HAD to change, at least temporarily, to survive. It was a pattern break. And we did a lot of self-work in the first seminar, clearing things out, to make room for new, better people to take our places.

And I came back feeling mentally better.

And got the flu.

For 1 1/2 weeks.

I had a terrible night with chills and vertigo and nausea, then woke up the next day and rearranged the furniture in my room, reorganized things, cleaned, and planned to get back to the gym (as soon as I was sure I was no longer contagious).

And I felt better!

But, my sweet girl was still troubled and torn. So this Wednesday, I sat down to save her life as well. It was touch and go. I bent her misshapen body back into shape (I didn't think to document the process until she was mostly straight again, but she looked a bit like a very crooked attempt at a bottlecap rotini). 

I also performed a successful surgery on her wrist. It's not as flexible as it used to be, since the loop had broken, and I had to drill through her hand to attach, but she looks happy and well again, and I feel that way.

The broken dolls have healed.


I don't share a lot about my personal life, especially as it's happening. Partially because I tend to be a private person in a lot of ways, and also because I figure most people don't care unless it could be applied to their life.

And I get that. In this case, I wanted to share something that I didn't even know was hurting me for six weeks because no one else really knew it was hurting me, either. Not necessarily because I hid it from them (although I did, in some cases), but because I hid it from myself. My mind chose to wait until I was strong enough to reveal the depth of damage I'd experienced.

And I LOOKED NORMAL to most people, including me, mostly.

I know those of you with invisible illnesses and injuries will understand this. Better than I, as my experience is not chronic and ongoing, but I wanted to share in case others may not understand their friends' or their own inability to move on or recover quickly from a curveball, even when they want to, badly, and know that not all hurts are visible, or even recognized.


And, if you've read all this, thank you for sharing my journey. I appreciate you.

Why Would ANYONE Want To Touch Someone Who Does Not Want To Be Touched By Them?

Shared on FB yesterday, by a man who I met in the kink scene 10 years or so ago. Who I rather liked, then.

The "Original Text" is not his.

If you don't have permission to touch, don't touch. It's very simple. I don't care if I'm naked, half-naked, provocative, drunk, passed out...

If you don't have permission, just don't.

And why would you?

Why would ANYONE want to touch someone that does not want to be touched by them?

Why aren't you blaming THAT thinking as the poisoned well sickening society?

The misogyny in this post is simply disgusting.

Poker And Love

In poker, the term "all-in" in poker means that a player has put the last of their chips into the pot. When a player is "all-in", they can not perform another action because they don't have any chips left.

They are totally committed to the outcome of that hand. Right now. It decides whether they can play another hand or lose irrevocably.

Are you an all-in player in love?

Now, I don't necessarily mean that you put your job at risk, or your children. You are still an adult with adulting responsibilities.

But do you go all in? Do you put your cards on the table? Show your hand?

I do. I have no time or energy for hedging my bets in relationships. Every decision, I stand behind with all my love chips, for good or ill.

I choose to win or fail spectacularly.

Even when I lose, I have the memory of a good game played well.

Poker And Love

In poker, the term "all-in" in poker means that a player has put the last of their chips into the pot. When a player is "all-in", they can not perform another action because they don't have any chips left.

They are totally committed to the outcome of that hand. Right now. It decides whether they can play another hand or lose irrevocably.

Are you an all-in player in love?

Now, I don't necessarily mean that you put your job at risk, or your children. You are still an adult with adulting responsibilities.

But do you go all in? Do you put your cards on the table? Show your hand?

I do. I have no time or energy for hedging my bets in relationships. Every decision, I stand behind with all my love chips, for good or ill.

I choose to win or fail spectacularly.

Even when I lose, I have the memory of a good game played well.

Poker And Love

In poker, the term "all-in" in poker means that a player has put the last of their chips into the pot. When a player is "all-in", they can not perform another action because they don't have any chips left.

They are totally committed to the outcome of that hand. Right now. It decides whether they can play another hand or lose irrevocably.

Are you an all-in player in love?

Now, I don't necessarily mean that you put your job at risk, or your children. You are still an adult with adulting responsibilities.

But do you go all in? Do you put your cards on the table? Show your hand?

I do. I have no time or energy for hedging my bets in relationships. Every decision, I stand behind with all my love chips, for good or ill.

I choose to win or fail spectacularly.

Even when I lose, I have the memory of a good game played well.

Poker And Love

In poker, the term "all-in" in poker means that a player has put the last of their chips into the pot. When a player is "all-in", they can not perform another action because they don't have any chips left.

They are totally committed to the outcome of that hand. Right now. It decides whether they can play another hand or lose irrevocably.

Are you an all-in player in love?

Now, I don't necessarily mean that you put your job at risk, or your children. You are still an adult with adulting responsibilities.

But do you go all in? Do you put your cards on the table? Show your hand?

I do. I have no time or energy for hedging my bets in relationships. Every decision, I stand behind with all my love chips, for good or ill.

I choose to win or fail spectacularly.

Even when I lose, I have the memory of a good game played well.

Lies, Damned Lies And Consent

I suggest this:

"Little white lies" are anything but, every lie is a damned lie, and every lie creates a violation of consent.

Here is my reasoning:

Let's take a very small thing, not the obvious lie of cheating or something like that.

"Do these jeans make my ass look fat?"

You answer "They look awesome on you," even though they are not flattering to them at all.

They beam and buy the jeans.

Then, they wear them. A LOT. And you don't find them flattering. In fact, they are a bit of a turn-off, but you don't want to hurt their feelings.

So, here's how i see this affecting you and your relationship:

1. EVERY time they wear those jeans, you are consciously or otherwise reminded of that fib.

2. You are not as attracted to them in those jeans, and your actions adjust accordingly, pushing your affections further apart.

3. If they found out that you hated the jeans, after they thought you loved them for so long, they would be embarrassed and devastated, even feel betrayed.

4. Consent is "permission for something to happen or agreement to do something.

" By lying, you remove your partner's ability to consent to what is actually happening, and you allow them only to consent based on the lies you've given them. (In the case of something more serious, like lying about who you might have had unprotected sex with, the example becomes more clear.)

I'm sure there are other effects as well, but I wanted to give an easy example.

Every lie changes the path of your relationship inalterably. Even an apology or "fix" only puts you back on course, it does not erase the error.



No matter how small you think they are.

This is my hypothesis.

What are your thoughts? Do you have any situations in which you believe a lie within a relationship causes good?

Let's Debate: The Words We Use & How They Affect Others

Those of you who follow me a lot may think I'm beating a dead horse, because I've posted about language a few times over the past two years or so, after running afoul of some locals for some language in one of my posts.

And it may seem that I'm defending myself.

I'm not.

In fact, the reason I have had so much interest in this, is to figure out where my own ethics lead me as I learn more.

So, about four months ago, I had a conversation that inspired this post. I had forwarded a search for "queer" sources for flagging to a friend. His response:

On another note, I will be honest, I have a real issue being called "queer" it is a derogatory term for me as is "faggot". It goes back to my activist days when we were called/shouted at by haters. It conjures many nasty and scary memories. Matter of fact, I am somewhat fearful of our political times right now and hope those newer and younger never have to live what many of us did in the early 1980's.
I know there is a whole movement to reclaim the term "queer" as that is what they identify with. More power to them I don't want to be lumped into that generalization. To me it's like People of Color reclaiming the "n" word is how deep it goes.
This might be an interesting topic for one of your discussions on-line.

I agree. It is:

The experiences of one generation versus another can affect how we respond to language.

So, I added it to my calendar.

And just this week, I saw this on facebook:

And it reminded me that how we use words differs from one region of the country to another.

And it's clarified my own patterns of thinking.

You see, I can never be sure what will offend who, until I am told. BUT, when I am told, I can moderate my language FOR THEM.


I don't say just "moderate my language," but I added "for them," because my friends are important to me, and I don't want to hurt them. However, if it is something that is part of my personal identity (as those Californians are suggesting, or as those reclaiming "queer" might feel), then I will certainly still use it, just not where I know it's going to hurt or trigger someone.

I suggest that is important.

I do not value language over people.

I also value the diversity of experiences and beliefs and viewpoints of the human condition, and how we all relate to language.

And when people use language around me that I know can be hurtful to others, I also speak up, to let them know how they may hurt others with their words. Of course, we all make our own decisions, and I have no desire to force people to conformity.

What are your thoughts?

What are your thoughts on PC, hurtful, or triggering language?

  • Is preserving our culture through language important?
  • Are people and their feelings more valuable to you than the words you use?
  • Is there a balance that can be reached?
  • Do some people just need to grow a thicker skin?

And from the side calling out language:

  • How is the best way to bring a specific language use to someone's attention?
  • Are you an activist, or an informer?
  • Have you found success with your efforts?

"But, WHY Would A Man Want A Dominant Partner?"

He said it with a mixture of curiosity and disbelief. I think I may have seen a little shudder, even. Revulsion?

This was a successful, charming, charismatic man, who travels the world with music, has women throwing themselves at him, and, for some reason, had found himself compelled to be in my presence.

We'd met at a jazz club. He was center stage, and my girlfriend and I really enjoyed his super-cool demeanor.

After the show, we'd had the chance to meet and greet with the orchestra, and connected. When he discovered we were planning to be in town for a few more days, he insisted we allow him to take us out on the town.

So, here we were, after a night of dining, laughter, and lots of talking on every topic from travel to politics to sexual energy and more, sitting in the hotel lobby, relaxing.

And he asks the question that I hear quite a lot.

And I reply.

"Well, I can only answer for myself and the people I've talked to, so don't think this is necessarily universal. Also, I'm going at this from the point of view of having a dominant partner, not necessarily being a submissive."

(He asked what the difference was, and I told him we'd discuss that later, because he'd understand better after my explanation, I hoped.)

"So, a dominant woman. What sets us apart? It's hard to say, because dominance is a trait seen in so many different areas of life.
For me, I'll say this. You get a woman like me. A woman who loves sex, and is not afraid to say so. To make it clear when I want it, and when I want you.
A woman who will tell you how to pleasure me best, and enjoy your exploration of my body.
But it's more than that, of course. More than just sex.
It's acceptance. I choose my partners carefully, and then I accept them. I love them. I tell them. Can you imagine feeling 100% accepted and appreciated for who you are, including your faults? By someone who you KNOW tells the truth about everything, because she believes that to do otherwise gives her power away?
It's always knowing exactly where you stand, because by knowing her power, she also knows that speaking up is a part of making a good relationship and a part of communication.
But mostly, it's being drawn to a person who knows their power, their sexuality, and what they want, and knowing you are one of the selective group of who they want.
And whether you play as a submissive, a primal, and equal, a bull-for-a-night, or anything else, you get all of that."

He is definitely not submissive, it is understood.

But he was intrigued.

And then he said, "Well, how does a man become more dominant?"

And I laugh. Yes, I knew EXACTLY where this was going.

What I'm Giving Up For Lent

I'm not religious. In fact, I'm agnostic. I do, however, enjoy the tradition of Lent as a reminder that giving something up can often bring us closer to those things we value.

For some, giving something up brings them closer to their chosen deity. For others, the mere act of giving up something that is detrimental to them brings them closer to being the person they want to be, in health, wealth or happiness.

I'm of the last variety.

Also, I find Lent, beginning in February, rather than on New Year's is more convenient for me, ironic as that may be.

I'm looking for a convenient way to be more mindful!


But seriously, the new year is already a time of thought for me. It's not so much about change but about planning, thinking, and also looking back as much as I look forward.

It's already a time of transition.

Lent, though, it a good six weeks from that time. Far enough away that I have space to have thought things through and shed the unnecessary for the critical.

A good time to act.

When I put this topic on my calendar, I was inspired by this writing: 9 Things To Give Up That Are Sabotaging Your Creativity

. I actually taught a 6-month creativity course online for some time, and so, of course I was curious. Many of those things I have already given up in my life overall, thankfully.

It did, however, inspire me to really think on what I wanted to give up this year.

This year, for Lent, I'm going to give up excuses.

I will take full responsibility, no matter how large or how small, for every action I take, every word I say, everything.

I do my best to live this way, anyway, but for the next six weeks, I intend to be more mindful of this. And I will be telling everyone, so that my friends and family and anyone, really, can call me out if they think I'm not living up to my stated goals.

And not just excuses for things I may do moving forward from today, but all the excuses I've given myself and others for anything I have stumbled on or failed at.

My life and my results are mine and mine alone.

And for those who have entrusted themselves to my care, I recommit everything I have to being the best damn friend, lover, dominant, whatever I can be for you, and therefore for myself.

And you know what? That feels good to me.

It feels right.

While in Bangkok, I very much enjoyed the master-yourself-before-you-master-others prequel to the slave training and sexual hypnosis seminar, and realized that I've come a long way over the years, and I still have so much further to go.

Want to join me? Have you/are you giving anything up for Lent? Or for yourself?

Behavior Modification: It Happens (Exercise 11)

If you are in a relationship, rest assured that your behavior will be modified.

It's gonna happen.

I tell people this at the beginning of my behavior modification classes all the time.

So, if it's gonna happen, it's better to understand what it is, at least for yourself. Even better if you can understand how your actions and responses modify behavior in others.


Maybe it's just me, but have you ever been in a relationship where a very specific topic, when brought up, always creates a shitstorm argument?

And have you ever decided to just avoid that topic?

(On another related note, this is the beginning of a relationship black hole... a good read, if you want to see some of the intense behavior modification that can happen when you're not paying attention.


You're behavior has been modified.

Or this example:


Simple, and I think all of us can related to one or the other of those to some degree, possibly both.

So, what to do about it?

The Exercise

This one is very simple.

Pay attention to the things you do in your relationship. Ask yourself these questions:

  • Did you do them before your relationship? If not, your behavior has been modified.
  • If not, did you make those changes on purpose?
  • Are the changes a positive influence on your life and relationship?
  • What responses from your partner encouraged or discouraged those changes?

That's it. Simply pay attention.

And, if you want to, learn more about how behavior modification works. Start by reading some of what I've written so far: Behavior Modification writings

Continue with your own research and observations. Two excellent books ont he topic are:

Don't Shoot The Dog, Karen Pryor

The Power of Positive Dog Training, Pat Green

Yes, they are for training dogs. yes, I still recommend them.

Knowing how to modify behavior without being able to speak makes actual conversational BeMod SO MUCH EASIER.

Poly Is Not Veto (Poly Is Not, Part XII)

There, I said it.

And I'll say it again. Poly is not veto, meaning poly is not about being able to control who your partner sees.

ducks flying fruit

I know that this is not a popular position, but hear me out, and understand that I write about my life and my views, and things I've thought A LOT about (well, mostly—sometimes I'm totally off the cuff, but this time, I SWEAR I've thought a lot about this topic!).

So many people dipping a toe into the waters of ethical non-monogamy want to maintain some sort of illusion of control over their partners.

And heck, as an avowed control freak myself, I totally get that.


And this is a BIG BUTT (some of you will like that—you're welcome)...

I know that the only person I can really control is myself, and that, imperfectly.

And pretending that I can control another with rules about who they can or cannot see (even in monogamy, or perhaps especially in monogamy) is a pretty little lie.

A pretty little lie I gave up long ago.

So, what now?

Well, because I'm a control freak and I like to feel IN CONTROL, I had to find a new way of looking at relationships and how I approach them.

I had to find a point of control.

And I did.

Now, I choose people who I trust, and love them for who they are and the choices they make.

They will often make choices I don't like or don't approve of.

Of course they will.

But I chose them, and as long as my relationship with them goes awesomely, I will continue to trust them and believe that they are doing their best.

And if their best isn't good enough, perhaps I should re-think the relationship, rather than trying to mold them into someone else with rules, yes?


Now, I don't have to worry about policing my significant other(s), and putting myself in an adversarial position. I simply need to keep an eye on my relationship with them, and mind my own fucking business.

deep sigh of relief

Now, whenever I make this point in a group or discussion, I always get:

1. But what about STDs/STIs?
2. What if you don't like their other partner(s)?
3. What if your relationship with them is affected by their behavior?

Simple answers!

1. I choose people with the same (or greater) care for STDs/STIs that I have, talk to them about it, then trust them. Rules haven't helped millions of people (mono- and poly- in the past).

2. Then, I say so, and ask not to be included in their connections with them. If they want to discuss it, or have questions, I answer. I don't expect them to mold every one of their behaviors to my likes and dislikes.

3. Then, I talk to them about THEIR behavior, not about the other person. If my partner is treating me like an asshole, that's on my partner, not on a third party. And, perhaps, I will find out the fault lies with me... and I can learn to change or stop taking them for granted, or whatever.

So, yeah.

Poly is not, in my world, about veto. In fact, to me, that's just controlling behavior that breeds resentment and treating my partners like children I have to watch, instead of like people I love and respect.

What are your thoughts on this topic?

Are You A Zero-Sum Relationshipper?

And what is that, exactly?

Zero-sum thinking is a cognitive bias that suggests that one person's gain is another's loss.

Very few people are hard-core zero-sum, in the academic sense of the term, but VERY many are zero-sum in their overall beliefs, to one extent or another, especially in relationships.

And many don't even realize how pervasive those beliefs are.

Those with this mindset are often so in fear of losing that they enjoy others' misfortunes quite a lot (schadenfreude

, anyone?), because they believe that for them to win, others must lose.

Their lives are constantly stacked against others' for comparison—even their closest partners and friends.

Their need to win at all costs often creates an aggressive, contesting attitude that FORCES the very confrontational situations that they may think they are trying to avoid in their relationships.

They apply their rules to everyone around them, whether or not they consent, or whether it even matters.

Contesting against the others in their life makes it nearly impossible for them to work WITH them instead of against them. And if those others try, the zero-sum person sees it as a ruse, as a lie, or as a way to gain the upper hand, rather than a different (and valid) way of handling a situation.

I see it all the time in comments.

Last February, I wrote a piece about compromise

, and how I don't compromise (as the dictionary defines it as a necessary win/loss) in my relationships, and I touched a HUGE collective nerve.

People raged at me, feeling their personal relationship styles threatened by my writing about how I do things.

It shocked me.

The idea that people would rather argue with their partner and battle to some sort of 50/50 or win/lose situation than work together to create a way for BOTH to win and feel like they got the best possible outcome (the two of us against life)... boggled me.

And fascinated me.

And no matter how I endeavored with some people to make them right, they HAD to make me wrong to feel good about themselves.

My options of:

  • You're right for your relationship, I'm right for mine.
  • You're right using your interpretation of the definition, I'm right using mine.
  • You have a right to choose your own life, I have a right to choose mine.

NONE of that worked with these people.

Because they saw it as zero-sum.

I had to lose for them to win.

What were they winning?

I don't know, really, since I am not in a relationship with any of them, and know most of them only a tiny bit through comments online...

Maybe they felt proud in their own minds that they accomplished something?

I don't know what. I'm still unrepentantly uncompromising in my relationships, and still very happy in them.

So, back to you...

Do you work TOGETHER with your partners, to raise you both, to find the right solution for both of you, every time? Do you put as much effort into making your partner right as you do in making your own points?

Or, do you more often find yourself contesting against your partner, trying to "win" this argument or that, so that you get what you want, and they see the error of their ways?

If it's more the second, it can be hard to admit that you are turning the most important relationships in your life into a war zone, right?

But admitting it is the first step in fixing it.

If you want to fix it, that is. Because to fix it, you'll have to let go of your zero-sum beliefs.

Can you do that?

No, Your Culture Does Not Get To Dictate MY Pleasure

I'll admit, I still don't get the Orgasm Gap thing, even though I've written about it before.

In this post

, the quote I picked up on was:

"According to both the books I’ve read on it, the orgasm gap exists primarily because our culture still overvalues penile pleasure and undervalues clitoral pleasure. "

What does culture have to do with when you are in bed with someone?

I mean, you may overvalue penile pleasure (and for me, there is a LOT to be valued), while I value my clitoral pleasure a great deal.

And I'm going to communicate my values in bed.

Fuck, I'll communicate my values BEFORE bed.


Because I want to make sure, going in, that anyone I four legged frolic with is going to know some of the amazing ways to please me, and agree that those are, indeed, super-duper fun things that we will definitely do.

And culture doesn't play into that.

Because it's MY body and my bed and my pleasure, and my consent. And I'm not consenting to the penile-only culture (if that's what it really is, I dunno).

Because culture is grossly wrong in a lot of areas, right?

We all agree that culture is wrong on SOMETHING, being a part of FetLife, which is most assuredly counter-culture.

So, why should we should allow culture to control how we frame our relationships, communicate, and even have sex, as women?

And for all the other genders, are you OK with this?

This idea that CULTURE dictates how you get to live and love and have sexy times?

My answer is clear, "No, your culture does not get to dictate my pleasure, thank you very much."

If you're anything like me, and you're making another complete change in your life and the way you do things, searching for the ever-elusive PERFECTION monster, It can be a bit embarrassing.

Because it doesn't always work.

I sometimes feel shame over other things that didn't pan out.

Maybe I don't want to tell anyone about a new something I'm testing or trying or another idea that might fail.

But you know what I've learned?

Whether you are a billionaire or homeless, people who don't like you are always gonna have dumb shit to say, whether you are making a change, trying a new project, or just sitting on your ass doing nothing different, day in and day out.

Who GAF?

They aren't feeding me.

They aren't fucking me.

They aren't financing me.

So, I'll just hold my head high and do what I need to do for me and my tribe and my life.

I've Heard People Claim That BDSM Is Like The Island Of Misfit Toys...

...and I don't fully disagree.

I do, often and loudly, disagree with the tone in which it's said, and the implication many seem to make that kink is full of crazy people.

In fact, that's generally less true than of the average population, according to studies.

However, there is a bit of the misfit in all of us, after all, our romance, sex and recreational activities are far from the mainstream.

And that we all, in our years until we found our kink (and therefore much of ourselves) experienced monachopsis.


n. the subtle but persistent feeling of being out of place, as maladapted to your surroundings as a seal on a beach—lumbering, clumsy, easily distracted, huddled in the company of other misfits, unable to recognize the ambient roar of your intended habitat, in which you’d be fluidly, brilliantly, effortlessly at home. —from the Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows

So when I came across this word, it struck a chord in me, deeply and poignantly, and I wanted to share it with you.

What do you think? Does monachopsis suit you, or has it suited you in the past?

But! But! You're Not Helping Me!

He said:

We met about two years ago. You've never desired me "now."
Which is life :)
Just makes me sad

I replied:

You’ve not put in the engagement to inspire that.

He said:

I want to - just in ANY way where it's not a social public kinkster setting

I replied:

I told you from the beginning that that’s how I work.

He said:

That's half the reason most humans who have kinks are still in the closet
It's sad really

I replied:

Well, then you (and they) have to deal with the consequences of your choices.

He said:

Haha - with more understanding people?
It's like telling someone who's struggling to not see a counselor. To first go to a public meeting and talk to people you don't know or aren't necessarily qualified

I replied:

You are complaining that people like me aren’t changing our preferences to suit you, just because you think that it’s difficult.
I’m not telling you not to do this in private.
I’m saying you doing it in private your way is not my problem.

He said:

Yep. Understood.
You gave me the impression you were trying to help those who wanted to learn the lifestyle
Sounds like you've elevated yourself

I replied:

I do help.
I don’t change myself to help.
I will answer questions, and I have always been here for you.
So, I think this conversation is over now.
Maybe you can reach out some other time, if you’d like, once you are done with blaming me for your failure to find your kinky playmates.

This is not unusual.

I'm happy to help. Anyone. Especially a charming, sweet guy like this that I've actually met locally and invited to numerous events from super-kinky to just hanging out with people.

He's turned them all down in favor of wanting one-on-one.

And that is his right.

And the right of everyone who wants kink—to get the kink they want AND protect their lifestyle.

The fact of the matter is, the more restrictions you put on how a person can help you, the less helpful they can be. And the less you get out where kinky people are likely to be, the fewer kinky people you are likely to meet.

Is it impossible to keep all your kink in private?


However, if you come to me, and I tell you I'm all about the community, don't think you're going to:

1. Lure me into your bedroom with a message once every fewm months telling me how you want me.
2. Convince me to recommend you to other women like myself, when you've not bothered putting in any effort to show me who you really are.
3. Guilt me by telling me I'm not being helpful, because I won't do things YOUR way.

I'm helpful in the ways that feel good to me, and that are comfortable. And I offer that help to anyone who asks.

You want more, you earn it, or find someone else.

Don't whine that I (or anyone else for that matter) am not being helpful enough.

I Ain't Never Had That GOOD Dick


I mean, I THOUGHT I had had some really good sex in my life. Like, banging through walls, 200+ orgasms, screaming, getting all the dogs in the neighborhood howling with me, even sex-induced aphasia... but I know better, now.

Because I've never, in the throes of pleasure, when he "hitting dem waaalls like she needed him to hit dem waaalls" slapped the man I was fucking in spiritual ecstasy.

Damnit! Where is my powerful "deep spiritual heat seeking missile"?


Sleeping Beauty...Retold

No so long ago there lived a Dom and sub who said every day, "If only we had a child!" But for a long time, they had none.

They tried Clomiphene and gonadotropins, IVF, tracking ovulation, and more, but nothing seemed to work.

It caused them much pain and heartache, because although they were each other's world, they felt like a child would complete their happiness.

One evening, at a kink and cosplay expo, a kinkster of intdeterminate gender carrying a crystal ball and wearing lots of eyeliner said to the sub (as she made her way towards her Lord with a tasty drink, per his request), "Your greatest wish shall be fulfilled this night."

Now, the sub knew that it was silly, but she began to hope, because of course, her greatest wish was to get pregnant. So, that evening, she did everything within her power to entice her Greatest Dominant Lover Above All into sexy times.

And it worked!

They had amazing sex, after an incredible spanking, and she fell asleep with a smile on her face, and dreamed of her future daughter.

Sure enough, 3 weeks later, her pregnancy test confirmed her silly beliefs, much to the surprise (and incredible gratification) of her dominant and husband.

They rejoiced, and 8 months, 1 week later brought a baby girl into the world.

Now, as anyone who has ever had a baby will know, no matter how cute and cuddly, no matter how thrilled you are to have a child, it is hard work.

Sleepless nights took a toll on their D/s relationship, and their social life suffered greatly.

But they were not daunted, and they decided to host a party for all of their kinky friends, to present their newest delight to the world.

Unfortunately, although they invited literally EVERY kinkster they could think of, they forgot one: the friend who had made the prophecy to begin with. Their cosplay was just TOO damn good, and they'd moved about 2 hours away a few months back, and so, well, they slipped through the cracks.

Luckily, they heard about the event and showed up, anyway. They were greeted happily, and welcomed, for no one realized they had not been invited to begin with.

Unluckily, the slight was felt most keenly, and as they passed the sub, who was beaming happily with her young daughter nursing at her breast, they said, "I have a feeling she will have a tragedy when she reaches her 16th birthday."

The sub, not knowing that her friend had made the original prophesy, because their cosplay was so masterful, laughed, and said, "Don't we all," and thought nothing more of it.

But the slighted kinkster was not to be shrugged off. They hatched a plan. They became quite close to the family, and as the young girl grew, gained her trust.

Now, the young girl was everything a modern kinky family could want. She was open and accepting of all genders and sexual orientations. She was thoughtful and kind. She had confidence and poise, and was always willing to lend a hand.

She was a tomboy, and could out-run, out-shout and out-box any of the boys in their neighborhood, but she was a good sport about it, and never picked on others, instead using her abilities to defend smaller or more vulnerable children against bullies.

She stood up for her own personal space (her parents taught her all about consent), and told others, "That is NOT OK," when they trespassed boundaries, either hers or her friends'.

It seemed like no time at all before she was 16, and the "close family friend" offered to take her out for her birthday, to celebrate her special day.

Of course, everyone thought it was a marvelous idea, since the official "Sweet 16" birthday party was coming up in 3 days on the weekend, and hey, a parents' night alone is never a bad thing...

And this is the night that the slighted kinkster had been planning for nearly 16 years... During an amazing meal of pretending to be the 'awesome older friend answering a curious teenager's questions about sex that their parents find awkward,' they slipped a roofie into the young woman's drink.

They then took the young woman, who was pretty much out of it, to an alley in a not-great part of town and laid her down, and left her, thinking that it wouldn't be long before something terrible befell her, and their prophesy would again be true.

And sure enough, someone spotted her laying there, passed out, dress disheveled and pulled up so her panties were showing, and couldn't resist...

...helping, since he was heading back to his car after volunteering at a local food bank. He leaned down and checked her pulse. It was strong, and her breathing was steady, and when he saw her in the light, he realized that she was in his history period, and he'd had a crush on her since 2nd grade, but had been too shy to say anything.

Now, being a boy, he hadn't grown up on fairy tales, but he had younger sisters and read to them, so he got an idea.

He leaned down, figuring this was probably his only chance to ever kiss this girl, since she was so far out of his league (at least in his young, pubescent, awkward mind).

And he kissed her.

And her eyes fluttered.

And she moaned.

And she stirred.

And she sat up and looked at him.

And she slapped him.


Hard enough to leave a red palm print.

And she said, "Don't EVER do that again. Not to me, not to ANYONE, ever. Don't EVER kiss someone without their consent! Haven't you heard of simply shaking someone by the shoulder and asking 'Are you OK?'"

And he said, "Yes, Ma'am."

And she smiled, and he helped her up, and asked if he could put his coat on her shoulders and his arm around her to help steady her, and she agreed.

And so, young Charming (he'd always hated that name and felt incredibly insecure about it, so he went by Cham) and Beauty (she'd always hated hers, too) spent many late nights after that, discussing consent and negotiating their first relationship (FemDom, of course), and lived happily every after.

The spiteful kinkster was caught and sentenced to 8 years in prison for their horrible plot.


Inspired by this news story: Rachel Johnson: At last we're united - by a mum trying to ban Sleeping Beauty

Why Do We Think Consent Isn't Sexy?

I was at an event a couple of weekends ago, and I asked a question in a discussion:

"What can we do to make consent more sexy?"

I followed that up by saying that If we find ways to make our lives more full of consent, that making it sexy and fun and natural is a no-brainer to me, and that it will only benefit us as individuals and as a community.

The conversation got contentious.

People arguing, saying they thought consent shouldn't be sexy or fun. It should be a chore, and difficult and serious, because... consent.

Which seems counter-intuitive to me.

How do we convince people to develop consent-infused lives if it's presented as a chore that must be suffered through?

The other thing that perplexed me was that so many people were focusing their consent talking points on public scenes with strangers, or non-lovers/partners.

Like the MAJOR time that we need to think about consent is in public spaces with strangers.

Ummm. No.

In fact, according to a survey NSCF did in 2014

, only 36% of consent violations were in a public space. Less than half of those were with non-lovers/partners. And only some of those (the poll is not clear on overlapping or specific numbers) were within a scene, as opposed to other kinds of consent violations.

So, a fraction of 20% were public play scenes with people who were not partners.

Seems to me all this talk of public negotiations and consent, while good, is overshadowing the larger issue of consent in our daily lives and interactions.

As if consent is something we do with strangers, but we can stop all that horrible effort when it comes to those we are close to, or in the privacy of our home.

But WHY would we want to stop?

  • Because it's not sexy.
  • It ruins the mood.
  • It takes us out of our headspace.
  • It changes the dynamic.

Thing is, I've not found any of those things to be true.

Consent is sexy to me.

When I make him ask, explicitly, for what he wants, to beg for it, even, that is super sexy, and infuses the mood with my power over him and his desire for me. It makes his submission that much more intense for him, and my dominance feels so much stronger in those times. It reinforces our chosen dynamic.

Of course, not everyone kinks the way I do. I don't even always kink the way I do, because I kink differently with different people.

Sometimes it's as simple as, "Do you like when I do this? Would you like more? What if I move lower? May I touch you here?" said in a soft voice with smoldering eyes (or at least that's how I imagine myself in my head, and no one has ever laughed outright, so I'm going with it).

I think consent is incredibly sexy. A turn-on. A must-have. It's not a chore, or a hardship, it doesn't get in the way. It is the foundation of a loving relationship or interaction.

So, why do we, as a society, think consent is not sexy?

What am I missing?

Sonder, In Kink And Elsewhere

Sonder is...

the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own—populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries and inherited craziness—an epic story that continues invisibly around you like an anthill sprawling deep underground, with elaborate passageways to thousands of other lives that you’ll never know existed, in which you might appear only once, as an extra sipping coffee in the background, as a blur of traffic passing on the highway, as a lighted window at dusk. (1)

That thing you love? That kinky thing?

Other people love their own kinky things just as much. Kinky things you don't approve of, or don't understand.

That crappy day you've been having?

Other people are having those days, too. Often on the group posts you're raging at.

Every one is the center of their own story. Everyone has just as much (or at least potential for) life happening as you do.

Every person.

Every single person you meet.

Everyone of millions of kinksters here on FetLife.

Every wanker who messages you. Every idiot who makes a boneheaded statement. Every clueless newbie. Every awkward "Hey, wanna kink?"

We all have jobs and loved ones and problems and hopes and dreams and needs and desires and drama and challenges and craziness inherited or earned through sweat and tears, or at least our own special mixture of those things.

And when you stop to think about it, it's fucking awesome.

People are (for the most part) pretty amazing, and have a lot to share in their stories and ideas and experiences and different points of view.

In kink and elsewhere.

After The "No," Or When Asking For Consent Is Not Enough

So, you've asked for consent. They have said no, but left the door open for the future.

What do you do?

You asked for consent. What's left?

Asking again, of course.

Let me tell you a story...

I know a guy.

Actually, I know a lot of guys, and any number of them could be fitted into the generalized picture I'm going to paint for you. I know women like this as well. And other genders. So, understand this is not a one-off experience, nor is it specifically gender-based.

This guy was always very respectful to me. Always.

For a while when we had regular contact, he asked repeatedly about possibly playing, what kind of scene we might do together, what it might look like, and how it might come together.

Now, I generally don't play outside of my current relationships and small tribe of people.

That is my standard answer when people ask me to play.

He had expressed an interest in joining said relationships, and I made it clear that he would need to become a friend first. He said he was interested in that, and continuing to talk, but most conversations ended up coming back to asking about some sort of play.

I kept my responses consistent.

Eventually, we sort ended up not talking much, because I find it tiring to be asked and answer the same type of question over and over and over again.

I do not feel this was any sort of consent violation, to be clear. I'm perfectly capable of handling myself in these types of things, and he was obeying the letter of the consent law at every stage.

I did, however, see a nice guy behavior pattern of trying to get what he wanted through the use of continued requests for consent over time.

When he stopped asking (and stopped attempting to push into my life), I felt a kind of relief, along with a bit of regret over the friendship that could have formed, had there been different choices made.

After the "No."

And by "No," I mean, "Not now," or "I'd be open to that some other time," or "If I get to know you better," or "Maybe" or just "No."

To me, it's easy.

After the no, I simply then say, "Awesome. If you change your mind, please let me know. I'll respect your consent, and not bring it up again."


It not only respects their right to consent, but gives the other person their autonomy to choose whether it is ever brought up again.

Because asking for consent is only one piece of the puzzle. Respecting that consent and returning it makes you a truly awesome kinkster.

Forgive? Hell, yes. Forget? Not on your life.

In his writing, Forgiving and Forgetting, Martin B. Copenhaver says:

"I will forgive their iniquity and remember their sins no more." - Jeremiah 31:34
In my experience, when someone says, "I will forgive, but I will never forget," it usually means: "I will never forgive."


To forgive, something like forgetfulness is required. We are not expected to erase every memory of hurt or injustice from our cerebral "hard drives." Rather, we are to forgive so completely that it is as if we have forgotten.

I don't believe we should forget. I don't believe we should try to forget, or pretend to have forgotten.

I believe we should remember the pain.

I believe we should also remember the forgiveness

And the reasons we forgave.

And the feelings of joy and happiness that come with forgiving another (and ourselves).

For, in my view, that is how we will learn to forgive a little bit more quickly and a little bit more effectively as we learn and grow.

He also said:

Philosopher Søren Kierkegaard observed that forgetting is the opposite of creating. In creating, you make something out of nothing. In forgetting, you make nothing out of something.

I'd rather create a new habit of forgiving, than trying to form a habit of forgetting. Creating good is more important to me than forgetting or denying that bad happened.

Bad is how we grow as people, and our lives are shaped by it.

Not only is forgetting such things actually impossible for most people—therefore creating an unreachable goal and adding to fears of inadequacy in our relationships—but it's a bad idea.

Forgetting (or pretending to forget) means giving your partners/lovers a blank slate every time. Forgiving means that you give them their humanity, you continue to love them for it, and possibly, you commit to helping them grow and improve from it.

And what is forgiveness without remembrance?

Is it really forgiveness, if someone blocks something so thoroughly it's as if it never happened? Or is that just a case denial and looking the other way?

Which reminds me of the mistake of loving people only when we can see them as perfect


To be honest, I could not live long with a person who needed me to forget their wrongs against me or against others.

That's not really being accountable for the hurt they've caused in their lives, or being aware that they might repeat the damage, if they're not reminded of it, when their patterns of behavior start to look a little too similar to past transgressions.

Forgive? Hell, yes.

Forget? Not on your life.

SIGs And Safe Spaces In Kink

SIGs (Special Interest Groups) and the people who run them are constantly under pressure to cave and "make an allowance, this one time."


Why, when they are such a necessary part of allowing us to be fully ourselves, around others who think in ways we think, and like things we like?

Why, when they offer safe spaces for exploration of ideas and activities that even the general world of kink may not condone or understand?

Why, when people new to kink can find a group that caters to them, while they work up the courage to attend a more general event?

Why, when some kinksters have been hurt and ostracized for the things they enjoy, or just othered and made to feel different, instead of accepted in general kink gatherings?

Why, indeed?

I'm a FemDom. One of my favorite things is being in FemDom exclusive spaces, where there are no dominant men around.

Why, if I love dominant men, too?

Sometimes it's just good to be around only those who identify as female dominants and those who enjoy them, to talk about the concerns that only we have to deal with daily.

Sound hypocritical?

It's not.

Ever go out for Italian?

Is that the ONLY food you like?

I'm guessing not (or, maybe it is, that's OK too, but you're going to miss my stunning analogy, here).

Sometimes, though, you're in THE MOOD for Italian, and so you go to a restaurant (space) that specializes in that kind of food.

You know?

Or, sometimes you want to be around your quiet friends. Sometimes around your rambunctious ones.

Sometimes a small gathering of your closest like-minded friends is what you're craving. Other times, you may really want to find yourself in a crowd of strangers with many differing points of view.

Sometimes you have the energy for variety and newness, other times, you just crave the comfort of the familiar and same.

Special Interest Groups NEED to exist.

I think why is easy to understand.

What is not so easy is why so many people think that they need to exist, BUT should make an exception for XYZ...

I mean, if I don't belong in a group, because I don't match the stated purpose, I don't want to be there.

Like, I don't want to attend events created for exclusively M/f dynamics.

Can I attend without being an asshole? Sure.

Could I learn something from those groups? Most certainly.

Would I enjoy myself? Quite possibly.

None of those things matter, though, because I don't belong. And for someone who might need that exclusive focus to really relax into their kink, I would be a detriment, a hindrance, and possibly even harmful to their well being.

No, thank you.

So, please, understand no one is excluding YOU specifically with these groups, just like they aren't excluding me purposefully (unless the groups are called 'EVERYONE except NookieNotes," and even that would be their right).

Don't take it personally.

Don't try to cajole yourself an exception.

  • Don't try to go to TNG or Kinklings, unless you fit the age range.
  • Don't go to newbies events, if you're not a newbie (unless you've been invited by the hosts).
  • Don't attend FemDom events if you're a male dominant... Or, as I found in CA while I visited, don't attend a F/m event with a female submissive switch (I didn't know the event was for female dominants and male subs only).
  • Don't attend a fetish event in basic black clothing.
  • Don't attend and LGBTQIA event, unless it's specifically open to allies and friends as well.

Just find something else to do and another space to do it in, and allow the SIGs and safe spaces to be exactly what they are meant to be.

Because they are not for you, unless they are.

Personal Accountability: What Is It And Why Should Anyone Care?

Personal accountability is the philosophy that you are fully responsible for your own actions and the consequences that result. It’s a choice, a mindset and (some say) an expression of integrity.

To me, personally, it's a simple freedom.

It's knowing that when life happens, I choose my actions and reactions. I take what I have available to me (or go out looking for additional resources), and do whatever is in my power to succeed—personally, professionally, at reaching goals, whatever.

Instead of trying to make life less stressful, it's about embracing the idea that I have no control over anyone except myself, and only that imperfectly.

It's about handling things in the BEST and RIGHTEST way possible, every time, because I know that when (not if) I fuck up, it's easier to clean up my mess when I did the best I could.

It's about committing to what I want and not giving up, because while circumstances are circumstances, it's up to me to do for myself everything I can.

And, that includes what I can and choose to do for and with others. And the people I choose to have in my life. The people I raise up with everything I have, the people I avoid, the red flags I see and take to heart or the ones I ignore.

It's about realizing that while making mistakes is rarely fun, it is a learning experience that I can grow from and move on towards better things.

My actions related to any event—or series of events—are based on the meaning I’ve assigned.

I've been hurt. If I look for ways to never be hurt again, my actions will be different than if I assign a meaning to that hurt and grow from it.

I've done stupid things. I've hurt people. My actions will be different if the meaning I assign is that I have made mistakes, rather than they are being too sensitive or persecuting me.

Why Should Anyone Care About Personal Accountability?

Because you get to choose the meaning of the things that happen to you. By choosing your own path, you create your own future.

Understanding that means that no matter what happens, you get to choose how it impacts you, your life and your goals.

You choose.

You choose your thoughts.

You choose the meaning.

You choose your actions.

No one can ever take away the power of your choice.

If there’s something in your past or present that’s bothering you, try asking yourself these two questions:

“What meanings could this have that I've not considered?”
“What good can or has come of this that I've not yet recognized?”
"How can I grow from this and move on?"

Personal accountability in this means to me that I am as honest with myself as possible, and look at things that have happened from different perspectives that I may not have considered before.

These questions allow you to re-frame what's happened and how you might react to it and grow from it moving forward.

And The Downsides?

Well, this is written by request of @selene73. She's been on me for a long time to put something like this out there in writing.

I think she would agree, being on her own personal accountability journey, that there are drawbacks.

1. It's difficult to switch to this mindset and make it a habit of thinking. In the time between "I want to," and "I do," comes a lot of mistakes, hypocrisy, and suddenly realizing a lot of past errors that were SOOOOO much easier to blame on others were all you (or more you than you thought).

2. It makes it hard to relate to those who don't feel the same way. Relating to those who don't practice personal accountability is itself a new skill that takes development.

3. Some people in your life will do everything in their power to stop you from changing, even change that might be good for you (like this might be), and you might lose them, because they don't like the new you.

Are the downsides worth it?

They have been for me, is all I can really say.

"There Is No Neediness In Desire."

"Caretaking is mightily loving, it's a powerful anti-aphrodisiac."

So says Esther Perel in her TED talk, The secret to desire in a long-term relationship


And I agree.

To a point.

I even poke fun at the idea with things like this:


/ 10k

Because I've long had a personal ambivalence towards need and what it means to me in interpersonal relationships, something I wrote about here (and even made use of a Meatloaf video!)


Articles like this one

agree that needing another is "the most horrific piece of advice I can imagine." They go on to say:

"I am a whole person. She is not powerful enough to complete me. I'm not powerful enough to complete her. She's a complete person. That's why I want her. Not because she's half; she's whole."

And I agree. I do.

Heck, it drive me insane to get those messages (all dominant women know them well) that say:

"Goddess, I am a lowly worm, not worthy to lick your boots. I need your strict discipline to guide me..."

Nope to the nth fucking power of infinity. I am a dominant, not an orphanage for CHUD's


But as I said in my previous post

, there are things that I cannot do on my own, that take two people. Falling in love is the simplest of these things. The most obvious.

Do I need to fall in love?

Probably not.

Do I want to? Oh hell yes. I love it! And if I want to fall in love, I need another person to do that (or I guess I could go stark raving mad, but I'll choose another person for $500, Alex).

Recently, on the Dating Kinky Facebook page

, this image got posted:

And the following conversation happened:

No one "completes" anyone. We are perfect all by ourselves. Romantic nonsense! Oh, and "chooses", not "choses".

Dating Kinky Thank you for the edit, You're absolutely right, and I'll get that fixed.

As far as "romantic nonsense," I like romantic nonsense. I'm a hopeless romantic.

That said, I'm also an incredibly practical person, and I can read something like "completes me," and understand that there are things that two people can feel together that one does not feel alone (in my experience), and understand what is meant.

Room for many different points of view, here. smiles

Okay, but saying someone completes you is implying you were incomplete before your love came along.

Again, in case you didn't understand it the first time around, my point is that there are different views on this particular topic. Saying someone completes me in a way that can only be done with two people is not saying that I am not a functional complete human being on my own.

I noted that conversation in my calendar for some time in January, and didn't think more of it.

Until a few days ago, when someone said that "correction" is not a human need, and I started thinking about what are "needs" outside of Maslow's hierarchy of needs

, and how we might need something to accomplish what we want, even if it is not technically a human need.

Until I watched that video from Esther Perel a few days ago.

Until the topic of need came up today in my topic calendar. And so I'm writing.

I ask you...

How do you view need in your relationships? Can caretaking stroke your desire? Is it limitless or finite?

Do you want to be needed? Do you need to feel needed? Or do you prefer to be wanted and feel desired?

Do you feel need and desire are the opposites of one another? Or do you feel like they can coexist happily in a passionate long-term relationship?

Is there a difference between need, needy, and neediness?

I Hurt You BECAUSE I Love You.

Because you want it.

Need it.

Crave it.

Not because I am a sadist (I'm not).

In fact, aside from the joy we share when we play spanky, floggy, whippy games together, I could spend my whole life not hitting anyone.

And be happy.

However, because I love you, your happiness contributes to mine.

Your needs are important to me.

What you crave matters.

So I will hurt you.

Because that is your happy place. Your floaty place. Your catharsis place. Your dancing-among-the stars-as-they-whirl-around-you place. Your expiation place. Your after-it's-all-done-I'm-peacefully-centered place.

And I will join you there, in that place.

As you sometimes join me in my geeky place as I try to work out a complex UI. As you traipse from antique shop to antique shop, with me in my hunting-for-that-thing-I'll-know-it-when-I-see-it place. As you go rollerskating with me in my nostalgia place. As you bring me flowers and romance me, court me and pamper me in my I-need-to-feel-your-adoration place.

I've heard, "I can't beat so-and-so like I used to. I love them too much."

I just can't comprehend.

I don't beat anyone I don't love, at least a little. I don't hit someone to see that look of taking it, holding on, handling it, and suffering unless I adore them. I don't beat anyone hard, until they weep and cry and break down for me unless I am deeply, wonderfully, crazily in love with them.

Because it's not about me. It's about you. It's about us.

I hurt you because I love you.

And if you want to just cuddle, I'll do that, too.

The Lie Of "But You Are So Strong..."

Years ago, someone asked me what they should do about a relationship issue. I asked a few questions, listened to the answers, then said, "You know what you need to do."

Their reply was, "Easy for you to say. I can't do that."

"If I can do it, you can do it," I replied.

"Oh! But you are so strong..." they said, plaintively.

I damn near choked on my turkey and brie (with green apple slices and cranberry mustard—I still remember and love that sandwich) sandwich. Only the effort of keeping it in my mouth and trying not to die kept me from spitting my precious, delicious mouthful all over my friend.

Because I've never seen myself as strong.

I'm as riddled with doubt and insecurities and knowledge of past failures as anyone.

Maybe more than most.

And all of those fears and weaknesses like to tap me on the shoulder and roar loudly in my ear when I'm making any sort of decision, because heaven help me if I forget for just one moment how fallible I am.

So, anyone who thinks I am strong, or rather stronger than you or them or anyone else who has lived life, is very likely believing a lie.

More, hurtful, though, is the understanding that has come to me over years of ranting about this, talking it over, and trying so hard to articulate my horror at this statement with dozens of people:

Lying to themselves about me is one thing.

But they are also lying to themselves about themselves.

By saying, "Oh! But you are so strong..." they are reinforcing a belief that they are weak. More, that they have no control over that weakness, and that it prevents them from becoming more, doing more, living more.

And that's what makes me sad.

Because as soon as anyone feels that they can't, they probably won't.

I Love You (When You're Perfect) -OR- How Fetishization Of The Positive Ruins Our Relationships

It's an easy trap to fall into, to focus on the good in everyone.

It seems like the right thing to do.

See the good bits, focus on the happy times, let the negative stuff or "bad emotions" slide on by.

I see a lot of this in my friends, and I've seen it in myself as well.

It's a societal thing:

Fetishization of the positive.

By focusing on the positive and ignoring the negative (except when it rears it's ugly head and barfs in our Cheerios, demanding to be noticed, making us yell and fight and scream, until we can shove it back into it's dark little cage in the corner and lock it back up, to be ignored...until the next blowup), we are teaching the people around us that they are not loved for who they are.

They are loved when they are perfect.

We're doing exactly the wrong thing, pretending there is nothing wrong with our loved ones

We are not seeing our partners, our friends.

We are not listening to them.

We are ignoring everything that is not happy and good and fun times, and pushing all the other bits into the farthest corners of our closets like unwanted step children.

We are saying, "You are loved in spite of these pieces of you. Please don't bring them around too often to spoil the fun."

Each of us knows our flaws. Deeply and pervasively.

To have others not even acknowledge they exist, can lead to the experience of feeling like a fraud, like we don't deserve what we have, or that when we are found out, it will all come crashing down.

Which leads to deepening insecurities, acting out, trying to be seen and heard, and redirecting serious issues into insignificant channels, so the "badness" won't be discovered.

So, what do we do?

We love our people. All of them. Even the bad stuff.

Because, let's face it, the negative stuff has helped shape them into who they are today.

I'm not saying support the negative stuff, or encourage it.

I'm saying accept it. Talk about it. Try to understand it.

And love them because of all of who they are, not in spite of it.

How To Over-Dramatize Your Life And Make EVERYTHING A Crisis

If you only listen to people when they yell, and only change when your relationships are in dire peril, you make everything a crises.

And nothing matters when it's not a crises.

Love Hurts? So The Fuck What?

"Love hurts!"
"I'll never love again."
"It's stupid to trust people."

What I'm reading here is that these people are willing to allow one person (or possibly multiple people) to take away any chance they have at experiencing one of the most amazing feelings this world has to offer us.

Deep, intimate, passionate love.

They are willing to let that one experience (or handful of experiences) remove thousands of possibilities from their lives.

Just like that.

Now, most who know me already know my personal feelings on the topic of whether love hurts or not:

But you know what, I'm cool with you believing that love hurts.

So the fuck what? LOTS of things hurt.

  • Paper cuts hurt. We don't stop using paper.
  • Stubbing our toes hurt. We don't stop walking.
  • The high-speed internet bill hurts every fucking month like clockwork, and yet, we still keep surfing YouPorn and RedTube.
  • Taking a bite of hot pizza hurts like a motherfucker, and it's still so gawddamned good!


Because the risks outweigh the rewards.

That's the problem. Us humans have a tendency to focus on what we can lose. It's how our silly lizard brains work.

But lizard brains are about surviving. Not thriving.

And they don't factor in what we could gain by taking that perceived risk or what it truly costs us to play it safe.

Sure, you can choose to never love again, and if that works, you'll be safe from that hurt.

You'll also miss out on the potential for amazing joy, happiness, warmth, and intimacy, because you're not allowing it in.

Or... you'll allow dozens, maybe hundreds of opportunities to go by, and your brain and heart will get sick of your shit and gang up against you, and take the biggest, dumbest, most ill-considered, bone-headed risk ever, and you'll fall madly, head-over-heels in love with entirely the wrong person for you, with all of your crappy attitudes and fears towards love intact, and sitting right next to all of those relationship bad habits and crappy skills, and you'll veer headlong into the crash-and-burn of self-fulfilling prophecy, so you can say...

"Love hurts!"

All over again.

Let's Debate: Can You Share A Human (Besides Yourself)?

So, I recently came across a rant on one of the polya forums I participate in about the mindset of sharing a lover/partner.

It stemmed from people who say:

"I can't understand polyamory. I could never share my significant other."

The outrage is over the idea that sharing is indicative of ownership, and saying that they could not share their partner is asserting a claim of ownership over another human.

Now, let's set aside the ownership thing, as I don't think that's wrong. In fact, I am very proud of my ownership

, when it is given to me.

But MUST you feel a sense of ownership to use the concept of sharing?

Here are some of the arguments I've seen:

  • "It's like saying 'They STOLE my significant other!', in that you cannot STEAL a person."
  • "I would argue you are always 'sharing' your significant other. You share the with work, friends, family, anything in their lives."
  • "I don't consider that I am 'sharing' my partners. They aren't mine. They share themselves."
  • "I get squicky when I hear someone say they don't want to share their partner. Like, they're a person, not a side of potatoes."
  • "I can't 'share' what I don't own."

On the other hand, the dictionary suggests that sharing divides something in it's primary definition, but also includes the following:

share: use, occupy, or enjoy (something) jointly with another or others.

Which, I think actually applies better in this case.

I might share the beach with someone, or the joy in a rainbow, or a park, without every pretending to own those things.

BUT, as someone for whom pedantry is a way of life, and who believes it's never JUST semantics

, I also understand the problematic nature of assumed beliefs and definitions, and that word choices may point to deeply ingrained (and possibly hurtful) opinions.

What say you?

Is using the word "sharing" in the case outlined above an inherently negative attitude towards how relationships work?

Is it a good thing?

Something in between?

Do you share your partner? Are you mono or poly (or something else)? Do you feel a sense of ownership?

But I Don't Understand!

I get it.

There are a lot of things I don't understand as well.

However, your lack of understanding should not be used as a cudgel to beat others over the head with your entitlement, thinking you deserve their time, their energy, and their attention to make you "get it."

No, they do not owe you repeated explanations.

Yes, you can google.

Using your lack of understanding as a way to stall a conversation is a thing. It's called "sea-lioning."

And let's face it, not understanding someone's point of view doesn't mean you can't still respect it, respect them, and just generally be an overall decent person.

The Paradox Of TWOO Dominance...

If I were to be a TWOO Dominant™ (an upper-case adherent to the WON TWOO WAY™), I would be gifted with complete obedience, ultimate devotion, and sexual slavery beyond reasoned thought: all the blow jobs, all the time!

All I would have to do is follow the rules on the following:

Mind Reading

Because of course TWOO submissives™ and TWOO slaves™ would never even think of speaking their minds. They will keep silent, serving perfectly, never voicing a need, for fear of the heinous sin of topping from the bottom

, which could get their collar removed and have them cast permanently out of the WON TWOO WAY™ forever.


Because it's in the manual: TWOO Dominants™ do not laugh. They may crack an enigmatic smile once in a while, but showing teeth or making a sound of amusement is a grave lapse in Domly judgement. Silliness, frivolity, general merriment and all related words and synonyms are included here. Happiness in general is allowed, but considered bad form. Taciturnity and/or healthy bitchiness are preferred.


TWOO Dominants™ don't love their submissives or slaves. They know that TWOO submissives™ and TWOO slaves™ are but dirt beneath their pretty little toes or black leather boots (the only footwear approved for TWOO Dominants™ by the WON TWOO WAY™, of course). Love would only soften them to the cries of their lower-letters, and ruin any chance they have at a pure and TWOO D/s relationship.


At no time should the TWOO submissive™ or TWOO slave™ be allowed to place a requirement on the Dominant. Once the TWOO submissive™ or TWOO slave™ can place requirements on the Dominant, the Dominant is no longer in charge, and may be brought before the board to have their DomCard revoked, possibly forever, depending on the egregiousness of the transgression.

Debate and Banter

TWOO Dominants™ don't allow their TWOO submissives™ and TWOO slaves™ anything that might be considered by outside parties to be insubordination, even in private. No debates, no disagreements, no sassing, no questions. Period.

And for the TWOO FemDoms™:


Because everyone knows that a TWOO FemDom™ wants nothing more than to lock up silly little dicklets, peg men, make them suck cock (silicone and the patent-pending Forced REAL Cock™), and sometimes enjoy sitting on a face, but would never allow an actual TWOO submissive™ or TWOO slave™ penis near their Goddess Gardens, because that's not TWOOLY dominate.

EXEMPTION: In the case of subchapter 7, article C, on cuckolding, PIV sex may be an acceptable activity when practiced with a dominant black male with a dick no smaller than 8" in length and 7" in girth, while on camera or in front of the TWOO submissive™ / TWOO slave™ / TWOO cuckold™.

The paradox of TWOO Dominance is...

I can only be a TWOO Dominant™ by following the rules.

Oh well. Guess I'll just have to be me, instead.

Requests Vs. Anticipation

If your partner asks for something and you give it to them, and they ask for something and you give it to them, and they ask for something and you give it to them...

You're setting a frame that they get what they want by asking for it. This is a good foundation behavior in a relationship.

When you are first learning each other, asking and receiving is affirming and powerful.

  • "I'd like a hug right now."
  • "Could I please have some of your undivided attention for the next hour or so?"
  • "Can we leave a bit early tonight, or can I drive separately? I've had a stressful day."

Asking for what you need and want in a relationship is healthy, when you have a partner that wants to make you happy.

As a relationship grows, some of those requests should become natural to anticipate. To show that you are paying attention, and you care about what makes them happy, and what eases their way in the world.

By anticipating you are:

  • Serving better.
  • Leading more effectively.
  • Showing you care enough to pay attention.
  • Easing some of the emotional labor your partner has to do.
  • Reducing friction and stress in your relationship by stopping some troubles before they start.


Even this healthy relationship habit can become unbalanced and used as a weapon of spite and passive-aggresiveness. Or, worse (sometimes): laziness.

By forcing your partner to ask for everything before they get it, you are:

  • Missing amazing opportunities to serve.
  • Bypassing some of the most powerful tools you have for domination.
  • Putting a burden on them to get their needs met within your relationship.
  • Creating an atmosphere of competition.
  • Increasing stress.
  • Preventing your relationship from becoming more intimate, or reducing your relationship's intimacy.
  • Subtly reinforcing that you are replaceable (anyone can respond to a request).

Of course, you will never be able to anticipate everything, so you'll still want to cultivate a relationship where asking and receiving are core to who you are as a couple.

And avoid reverting to making your partner ask for what they need and want, when you're upset about something else. It is a disservice to both of you, as you don't get to voice your feelings and possibly get a resolution, and they get confused and upset.

Ultimately, the longer you are together, the more daily things can likely be anticipated, rather than requested.

But never stop responding to requests, as that will tell you who your partner is and what they need now, rather than who they have been and what they have needed over time.

Dating Kinky, The Book: (EVEN MORE) 8 Commandments Of Profiles -6c-

The rest of the commandments of profile writing.

6. Pride Thyself In Thy Spelling and Grammare
7. Prove Thyself
8. Ask For The Date……


These are first drafts. All feedback is welcome. The audio is not finished or polished, or anything. It's simply a convenience for those who prefer not to read. That said, I hope you will give your thoughts, opinions, ideas, feedback, suggestions, experiences, disagreements, and whatever, because I’d really like this book to cover a wide variety of viewpoints and ideas for dating kinky.

Having Sex In A Relationship When You Don't WANT To...

While I'm usually the more highly-sexed person in my relationships, there are times when my partner has wanted to have sex, and I've been asleep.

Or comfy.

Or reading a book.

Or, well, anything else I'm engrossed in at the time.

And I didn't want sex. Well, I didn't not want it, really. I just wanted what I was into more. At that time.

And I wanted something even more than what I was into: a healthy and open sex life and intimate connection with my partner.

So, I had sex I didn't really want to have, because I wanted what having that sex could do for my partner, my relationship, and myself.

Because when I had that sex, I almost always ended up enjoying myself, having orgasms, and feeling closer to my partner. I was able to get back to what I was doing, when I desired it, or I found something better: cuddling, snuggling or napping after.

So, I used to say that in a healthy long-term sexual relationship, it's good to have sex when you don't want to...

But I did want to. I chose to.

I was not pressured. I was not coerced. I was not forced.

That's rape, at the very least rapey (pressuring someone for sex, that is).

I also knew that my partners cared as much for my pleasure as theirs, and that barring any serious physical issues, I would orgasm and enjoy myself physically, even if it took a long time to get my head in the game.

I did not regret it. I did not resent it. I almost always really enjoyed it, actually, once I got going.

So, I will say instead that in a healthy long-term sexual relationship, maybe you will find yourself wanting to have sex even when you don't WANT to, because sometimes it's the resulting affection and love and orgasms that matter more than the enthusiasm (or lack thereof) at the beginning.

Dating Kinky, The Book: (MORE) 8 Commandments Of Profiles -6b-

I fell a bit behind, because I was the victim of a hit-and-run last Friday night. I'm finally feeling almost like myself again, and I'm catching up. YAY!


The next three commandments:

3. Prithee, Tell Me Why I Should Give A Shit
4. Verily, Tell Truthfully The Story Of Your Life
5. Nay, Do Not Forget Thou Audience……


These are first drafts. All feedback is welcome. The audio is not finished or polished, or anything. It's simply a convenience for those who prefer not to read. That said, I hope you will give your thoughts, opinions, ideas, feedback, suggestions, experiences, disagreements, and whatever, because I’d really like this book to cover a wide variety of viewpoints and ideas for dating kinky.

Dating Kinky, The Book: 8 Commandments Of Profiles -6a-

The first two commandments:

1. Thou Shalt Not Use An Obnoxious UserName
2. Pick Thy Photos With Care……


These are first drafts. All feedback is welcome. The audio is not finished or polished, or anything. It's simply a convenience for those who prefer not to read. That said, I hope you will give your thoughts, opinions, ideas, feedback, suggestions, experiences, disagreements, and whatever, because I’d really like this book to cover a wide variety of viewpoints and ideas for dating kinky.

I AM Minding My Own Business

A writing about an abusive situation between two friends and my way of dealing with it led to this comment, and my response:

There is also the mind your own business option.

People come to me to ask about kinksters in our local community. I have run and will again run a kink venue. I care about my tribe (innermost and wider circle), and I believe in consent and giving people the information they need to make decisions about their safety.

By being a part of my local kink scene, this is my business, and the business of anyone who may ever recommend a person, play with them, suggest their friends date them, go out with them, and offer them their companionship as a veneer of normalcy.

Also, if one of mine is in need, I will offer. Always.

Maybe that's not how you run your business.

That's how I run mine.

Dating Kinky, The Book: Getting It On, Online -6-

Getting started with finding people online.……


These are first drafts. All feedback is welcome. The audio is not finished or polished, or anything. It's simply a convenience for those who prefer not to read. That said, I hope you will give your thoughts, opinions, ideas, feedback, suggestions, experiences, disagreements, and whatever, because I’d really like this book to cover a wide variety of viewpoints and ideas for dating kinky.

Behavior Modification: Practical And Positive Changes For Your Relationship, Exercise 9

So, in my behavior modification class

, the main thing I try to get across is that if you are in any kind of relationship AT ALL, behavior modification happens.

It's how we do things.

For example, I text. A lot. With many of my closest, I'll reach out via text at the mere thought of them. However, there are a few people close to me who are not texters. I judge my times to reach out to them more carefully, because I know that checking their phone and seeing a half dozen messages is a minor stressor.

I've changed my behavior with them, to better accommodate their personality quirks and needs.

Simple, right?

Or, perhaps you've had this experience that I've had in my marriage: I bring up a topic. It becomes a sore spot. Every time that topic come up, it causes a fight, and so I stop bringing it up, referring to it, and even lie when a question might lead to it.

My behavior was modified.

The first modification is a good thing. I am taking someone's feelings into account, and acting on that.

The second, not so much. I was conditioned by his rages, and acted out of fear of rocking the boat in my relationship. Luckily, I learned from this, and I don't allow it to happen anymore in my new relationships.

I like to focus on behavior modification done with a purpose and a positive end in mind, for BOTH parties in the relationship. Here are a few of my favorites:

They don't communicate what's wrong until they are really upset.

There are two parts to this, proactive and responsive.

Proactive: Always encourage communication. Ask them how they are feeling.

Responsive: Always respond positively with a, "Thank you for communicating this to me. I hate that I hurt you, and I'm glad you're willing to tell me," and mean it. Also, if they are upset that you didn't notice, gently reject that upset and encourage them to tell you next time. The thanks will go a long way, over time to helping them open up.

The Reinforcer: Excessive irritability when communication is attempted will reinforce the behavior that you are trying to reduce.

They are indecisive.

Perhaps you or others in their past have taken to helping them too much, especially with things they can do on their own. Encourage them to own their tasks and take pride in their accomplishments. Of course, do not be disingenuous, instead give honest praise and trust in their abilities. Alternately, help them get learning to grow their abilities and their confidence.

The Reinforcer: Micromanaging, and telling them a very specific way (your way)to do something will reinforce indecision. As will not allowing for human error when honest mistakes are made.

They show envy and jealousy.

Make sure they are aware of what they mean to you, and often. Discover their love languages

and use those to reinforce what they mean to you, for who they area.

The Reinforcer: Comparing them to others, even in a good way. You love them for them, not because they are better than others (that may not always be true). Comparisons beget comparisons, and cause instability in people who tend towards envy or jealousy.

They suddenly start acting out with disrespect.

Disrespect usually come from being disrespected. Ask about and acknowledge their feelings and their right to have them, even when (maybe especially when) you don't understand them.

The Reinforcer: Dismiss their feelings as "silly" or "overreactive." Make them feel a lack of respect in their own life, and they will dish it back out, multiplied.


Can you spot any of these issues in your own relationship? Maybe not in your D/s relationship, but with friends, coworkers, or even your kids?

Put the steps into practice.

Be patient, it takes time to modify behavior, especially negative behavior that has been reinforced in their past.

Be consistent. Pay close attention to the reinforcers, as it can be easy to slip into irritable and habitual behavior, reacting from personal emotions, instead of keeping your mind on the goal.

Did you notice that in order to modify another's behavior, you have to modify your own, first? That is key.

So, can you see any of these finding a way into your life?

I'd love to hear your thoughts and feedback. Have you tried these before?

Have you experienced any of them yourself, as the partner acting out? How could you turn this around to change your own behavior and that of those who reinforce it?

The Community We Deserve

We say we want a consent culture...

but end up letting things slide and protecting friends from the consequences of their actions.

We say we value communication...

but silence friends and loved ones by saying we don't want their 'drama.'

We say we want connection...

but treat others online like they are not real humans on the other side of the keyboard.

We say we want diversity...

but don't do the work it takes to make oppressed groups comfortable.

We say we want to be treated with respect...

but end up dating manipulative, selfish, short-term thrill-seekers instead.

It actually starts with us.

Here's the thing. It also starts with anyone with the leverage and power and authority to do something, like run a munch, develop a website, host a party, teach a class.

Because even if it's the community we deserve, it's also the community we create.

Dating Kinky, The Book: Where The Wild Things Are -5-

Discussing the benefits of meeting kinksters online versus in-person.……


These are first drafts. All feedback is welcome. The audio is not finished or polished, or anything. It's simply a convenience for those who prefer not to read. That said, I hope you will give your thoughts, opinions, ideas, feedback, suggestions, experiences, disagreements, and whatever, because I’d really like this book to cover a wide variety of viewpoints and ideas for dating kinky.

Dating Kinky, The Book: Dating Is A Game -4-

In which I talk about how viewing dating as a game can make it more fun for all.


These are first drafts. All feedback is welcome. The audio is not finished or polished, or anything. It's simply a convenience for those who prefer not to read. That said, I hope you will give your thoughts, opinions, ideas, feedback, suggestions, experiences, disagreements, and whatever, because I’d really like this book to cover a wide variety of viewpoints and ideas for dating kinky.

Dating Kinky, The Book: Who Are They? -3-

You know who you are, but who are you looking for? Is there one person, or might many different people do? Are you more rigid in what you want, or flexible?


These are first drafts. All feedback is welcome. The audio is not finished or polished, or anything. It's simply a convenience for those who prefer not to read. That said, I hope you will give your thoughts, opinions, ideas, feedback, suggestions, experiences, disagreements, and whatever, because I'd really like this book to cover a wide variety of viewpoints and ideas for dating kinky.

Dating Kinky, The Book: Who Are You? -2-

This is the second chapter of my book, all about getting a good handle on who you are, so that you can present yourself to others in the kinky dating world as genuinely as possible.



These are first drafts. All feedback is welcome. The audio is not finished or polished, or anything. It's simply a convenience for those who prefer not to read. That said, I hope you will give your thoughts, opinions, ideas, feedback, suggestions, experiences, disagreements, and whatever, because Id' really like this book to cover a wide variety of viewpoints and ideas for dating kinky.

I'm Writing Another Book, And You Get It FREE, If You Want It!

So, I started a project with a partner back in 2015. A book about kinky dating. Before my site became a reality.

For whatever reason, the book just never got completed. Something always came up, life got in the way, etc.

After many fits and starts, I have decided that I need to just write the damn thing. Not because I am better than anyone else, but because I'm opinionated and impatient, and because I write fast, and I want it done.


Here's the thing, though... I would love feedback and input.

What do I mean by that?

Well, feedback... that's pretty self-explanatory. I'll tell you more on how this works in a sec.


So, I mentioned, I'm opinionated. I am. I know this. And I think most of the time I'm right.

For me.

And right for me is not right for everyone. As I say in the book, "There is no one right way to get your kink or your dating on."

That's where you come in.

I'd love to know what works for you, and what doesn't.

I'd love your thoughts, your experiences, your stories, your ideas, your suggestions, your disagreements...

You see where this is going?

I want to include them. I want to give people many different points of view on kinky dating, not just one.

And give you credit (or not, as you choose).

Have a favorite article on any of the topics I cover that you think I could quote or link to? Please share. Know someone I should interview or ask questions of? Let me know.

This book is for the community, I'd love for it to be by and for the community, and represent many different viewpoints.


Like I said, feedback is pretty self-explanatory. I'm posting each first draft of each chapter as I go , here is the intro:

I'm posting PDFs for the written chapters, and rough audio for those who prefer to listen rather than read.

So, it's easy to give feedback and follow along as I write.

And everyone who participates will get a copy (PDF, kindle, ePub, audio) of the final book at no cost, as thanks.

These pieces of the book and discussions will stay up until the book is officially released. Once it is released, they will be taken down.

So, I'd love to have you join me. I've posted the Intro, and I'm about to post the next chapter as soon as I'm done writing this. I have the third chapter first draft finished as well, and will be getting it ready for posting.

I'm hoping I'll be posting pretty regularly and quickly, as I'm committed to getting this done and making it awesome.

Let's Debate: Is This OK?

I read this article A few months ago:

8 Lies I Tell My Husband (That Actually Make Our Marriage Stronger): Sometimes lying is far kinder than telling the absolute truth.

I also read the comments that went with it in the post I saw on FB, and they were sharply divided on whether or not she was doing the right thing.

If you don't feel like reading the whole article, she justified the following lies:

1. “The sex was mind-blowing.”

It’s a “lie back and leave him to it” sort of situation... Marital harmony is worth a few white lies about his sexual prowess.

2. “No, you haven’t gained weight.”

...he seeks constant reassurance from me that he is not overweight. He is! It’s obvious he is. But it spares his feelings when I tell him he isn’t overweight at all, and that’s the important thing.

3. “I still think you’re hot.”

So, of course, I tell him I still think he’s God’s gift to women. It’d be cruel to shatter his illusions.

4. “I loved the gift you gave me.”

I can’t remember a single gift that has not been disappointingly sh*tty. It’s baffling to me that after having been married for so long he still doesn’t know my tastes at all.

5. “I don’t mind you going out with friends.”

Of course I mind! My life would be so much easier if he could stay home to help with the kids. My morning would be a thousand times more pleasant if I did not have to deal with the hangover monster from hell.

6. “No, those clothes are old, not new.”

If I tell him really how much I spent on that stuff (and that other stuff the other day), he’d be annoyed at me, it would cause an argument, and for the sake of our marriage, I’d rather bend the truth a little.

7. “I love your cooking.”

No I don’t, it tastes like crap. My food tastes (and looks) so much better.

8. “I am all for your new job.”

It will just take some adjusting for all of us, but I can spend the extra money on more stuff.

When I read it, it made me physically ill. Like a horrible queasy feeling in the pit of my stomach. I was irrationally enraged at her for doing what I consider a disservice to her relationship.

I put it in my calendar, and forgot about it until this morning.

And now that I'm reading it again, it has the same effect on me. And I remember how many people were saying that she is in the right. She has enough to do and worry about as a housewife that she should not have to "handle" his upset and the arguments that might come of such little white lies.

Believe me, I know what it's like to lie.

I lied to my ex-husband a lot by the end of our relationship. I did it to avoid his blow-ups, his emotional abuse, to get on with my day, to get work done in peace, to have my time...

I did it from instinct.

And when I thought about it, after our marriage was over, I realized that not only did I cripple our relationship that way, but I also prolonged an even bigger lie, and kept a failing relationship together to cause even more hurt.

What are your thoughts?

Let me ask you this: If your spouse lied to you in these "little ways," would that be OK to you?

Do you want to be told you are awesome in bed when you are not? Or that you are still attractive to your mate when you are not? Or that they are saving your mutual money, instead of spending it on clothing?

How would that make you feel?

In light of this, when is it OK to lie in a relationship, according to you?

But today's topic came up on my calendar, and all I had was a topic. I had no idea what I was going to write.

All I knew is that I'd found an article suggesting that, 'Intuition Is The Highest Form Of Intelligence'

, and I knew I wanted to write about that idea, but it was hard for me to come up with the words.

So, I searched the interwebs for "intuition quotes

," and there it was, the perfect quote to introduce the dichotomy of intuition, as I experience it:

"I feel there are two people inside me - me and my intuition. If I go against her, she'll screw me every time, and if I follow her, we get along quite nicely." ~ Kim Basinger

This pretty much sums up the relationship many of us have with our intuition: like slightly antagonistic conjoined twins, looking out for each other, but with radically different ideas about how that's done, and equally stubborn ways.

After all, many of us are taught from a young age that our intuition is not to be trusted.

"I don't like Johnny."
"What? Johnny is a good boy. You have to play nice with him and invite him to your birthday party. You can't just not like someone for no reason."

And so, intuition is overruled and rendered irrelevant by more important people in our lives.

But according to some, getting that intuition back, learning to heed the advice of our 'guts,' and thinking or feeling on a non-logical level is just as important—in some cases more important—than simply working with known facts.

I agree.

In kink, especially.

Which is weird, because I'm not a woo-woo sort. No airy-fairy, new age, spiritual malarkey for me. Science is where I like to hang my hat.

And yet...

I believe in my gut. I call it 'energy' when I feel it, mostly because I don't have a better term for it.

For example, I was at a friend's house and I was talking with some people, and I felt sort of behind me and off to my right side a 'wrong energy' (in single quotes because I don't have better words for it), and turned to see someone going into a door, it was just an impression. Fleeting.

I shivered and asked my conversational partners about the at person. I was told they were a very nice person, had know them for years, yadda yadda. I took in that information, and believed it, yet couldn't shake my feeling. Later, I learned that they were out for the first time since a suicide attempt following several years of erratic behavior and depression.

That filled in the picture for me.

Now, please don't take this to mean I'm judging them. I don't think clinical depression, mental illness or whatever is wrong. It is just a part of the human experience. The energy I felt was 'wrong' or off in the sense that it did not fit the energy of the party. My energy. And it stood out as a beacon to me.

Now, I don't know how to explain what happened.

Maybe I saw this person out of the corner of my eye, and picked up subconsciously on body language that tuned me into 'something to pay attention to,' to offer aid or to avoid because of danger.

My body just alerts. My body doesn't interpret or judge. That's for me to do, when I gather the facts.

And I use this intuition everyday.

In vanilla life.

In kink.

Even online. In the words people use, I get a sense, and I follow through on that sense. In their photos, I get a feeling, and I trust it.

It's something I can't explain, and often feel frustrated trying to, because science hasn't given me the right words.

But, against all expectations, Kim Basinger gets me.

One Of The Trickiest Parts Of Being A Dominant...

Is that you you are the Dom even when you don't consciously know how to be the Dom, or don't want to be in that moment.

That means that the D/s relationships you create are often mirrors of your own inner space, even when you don't realize it.

This is not only true of dominants. Everyone affects their relationships in a myriad of ways that they rarely realize. Subs, doms, littles, daddies, all of us.

However, dominants have a special role and responsibility that is there (and influencing the relationship) whether they exercise it or not, whether the recognize it or not, and whether they are cranky-pants, dog-tired, or just plain not in the mood.

Doesn't matter.

It's still on us.

That outburst that cuts. That withdrawal that leads to insecurity and crying. The lack of attention that causes acting out... All on us. Every bit of it.

That's the price we pay for blow jobs on command (or whatever your domly-go-to-happy-place of choice is).

I Prefer My Kink (Paraphrasing 007) Inspired, Not Enforced

It's a fantasy: being forced to succumb to the greater power of a dominant, unable to help yourself, being overpowered...

It's practically spoon fed to us as a culture.

Men: If you want to submit, it has to be to someone who has proven themselves in battle. They must win a war of strength in 6" heels, full leather or latex shape wear, and carrying a whip or crop. Their power is in the size of their strap on, and their disregard for your humanity.

Women: If you want to submit, it must be because you were unable to resist the trappings of traditional masculinity, and your personal boundaries, safety concerns and silly womanish thoughts were simply dissolved with the crush of a stronger personality.

While I have a strong personality, and high heels, and latex, and a whip and a crop (and I'm not afraid to use them), I just don't feel like those are what make me a dominant worth serving.

Fear, even fantasy fear, is not enough for me.

"Forcing" a man to his knees to serve me is something done within a scene, not to start a relationship.

A man grabbing and holding me tight, kissing me and "stroking the flames on my womanly desire, calming my struggling," is a consent violation—not the moment I realize he has mastered my heart.

As fantasy, it's amazing. Hell, I'll wrestle. I'll even lose and be "overtaken," sometimes. That's fun.

That's not the reality of a D/s relationship, though.

And yet, these are the tropes we are suckled on, these and many more. They make dominance and submission a battle of victor and vanquished, strong and weak, rather than a collaboration of two powerful people coming together to create more in their lives through their dynamic differences.

I reject that idea.

I prefer to inspire submission.

If you offer your submission to me, I want it to be clear-eyed and sober, unimpaired by alcohol, drugs, or some sort of weird sexual frenzy that you've whipped yourself into through your imaginings or with my whip on your ass.

I want to know that you've thought it through, and you believe I'm the best choice, not simple the one who scared you the most or beat you the hardest, but the one you are devoted to, can trust, and cannot imagine being anything other than mine, whether I'm in flip flops or knee-high leather boots.

I want you to want to serve me if it means getting up early to drive me somewhere, not just when it means staying up late for tied-up anal invasions.

I want you to WANT to do things for me because it will put a smile on my face, not because you need to feel forced into it, to deny you want those twisted sexual perversions for yourself.

I need to know that you submit because you believe I'll make your life better than it ever has been before, not because you can't function without me beating you to get things done.

I KNOW that sounds a lot like adulting, all that thinking and stuff.

Nothing like the pornos or romances you've cut your teeth on.

  • No stalking you to learn to manipulate you.
  • No crushing you until you're overwhelmed with my strength.
  • No stroking your goody bits, withholding orgasm to make you give in.

That's the fun stuff, and that comes later.


I Didn't Say That!

I said, "That was not a nice way to say that," not, "You're an inconsiderate jerk that doesn't deserve someone like me."

Please don't put words in my mouth.

I said, "I don't like it when you drink so much that you black out," not, "You're a disgusting alcoholic good-for-nothing."

Please don't project onto me.

I said, "I feel like I'm not being heard right now," not, "You never listen to me."

Please stop exaggerating what I say.

I said, "I think you could improve in this," not, "I am perfect, you are trash, why am I even with you?"

Please don't invalidate what I said by turning it into something else.

I said, "I'm having a rough day," not, "I'm angry with you."

Please stop trying to read my mind.

This is one of the most frustrating experiences in a relationship, when someone misrepresents your thoughts and feelings to the point of absurdity.

It's like the world has just slid sideways, and there is no way to get it back on the track that it was on just a moment or so ago.

A simple verbalization of your thoughts that you hoped would help make things better in your relationship instead results in a tirade about your character flaws and evidence of your irrationality.

It's an insidious form of manipulation, creating the relationship frame that invalidates your right to have thoughts and emotions about their inappropriate behavior and instills in you a sense of guilt when you attempt to establish boundaries.

So, what can be done?

Only one thing has worked for me, but it's worked well, so I'll share it.

Say, "That's not what I said, and I'm not going to continue this conversation now." and walk away.

It stops them from continuing shifting blame, stops you from saying more that might be misinterpreted, and gets you out of a toxic conversation, while also setting your personal boundaries.

It's the only thing that's worked for me, as it both gives notice that I won't allow that sort of behavior in my life and gets me out of a conversation we are obviously both not ready to have.

Have you experienced this? What happened? Have you found another solution for these behaviors that has worked for you?

I Don't Judge How Another Loves Me

I am loved. By many.

Not loved or even disliked by many as well, but that doesn't really matter much to me.

I am blessed. Or lucky. Or valuable enough. Or whatever it takes for me to receive an abundance of love. And whatever it is, I'm glad of it.

There was a time when I was not living in an abundance of love.

And it sucked.

I didn't know it sucked. Or I didn't know why it sucked, since I'd always been a bit of a loner, thanks to my ASPD. But I knew something was missing. I just didn't have the skills to know exactly what that was.

And I did not feel loved, at least by my then-husband, the primary person in my life.

When we finally split up, and people asked me what happened, I said, "He didn't love me as much as he loved to drink."

I was wrong.

Not wrong on whether he loved me or not. I don't really know how much he loved me then—the communication was broken, the addiction and manipulation and theft all got in the way of whatever we had.

I was wrong to judge his love for me.

People who love show and don't show their love in many different ways. And their love can be blocked or hidden from expression by factors beyond their control, like alcoholism, mental illness, insecurity...

I don't judge how another loves me. I do judge how I am shown.

It's not whether you love/like me or not. It's how you show me that you do.

It's not whether I love/like you or not. It's whether you FEEL that from me.

And so, again, it all boils down to communication. Can I transmit my feeling for you, to you? Can I make sure you understand? Can I do it in a way that you feel the maximum effect?

Right now, I feel love from many people in my life. And I'm thankful for that. I hope they, in turn, feel the same from me, in whatever capacity we connect.

Real Dominants Don't... He Said To Me

"Real dominants don't ask the opinions of others."
"Real dominants don't allow questions from their submissive."
"Real dominants don't accept limits or requirements from anyone."
"Real dominants don't have sex with their submissives, or other dominants, or love anyone, ever."
"Real dominants don't do anything but what they want to do."
"Real dominants just KNOW."
"Once a submissive can place requirements on a dominant, can ask questions, or change their mind, the submissive is in charge, and the dominant is not a real dominant."

I checked the profile again. Yup, submissive.

Irony, meet submissive. Submissive, meet irony. I think you two have a lot to talk about.

What Do Louiville, Memphis, Denver, Salt Lake City, San Francisco, Las Vegas, Los Angles, Phoenix, Austin, New Orleans, and Atlanta Have In Common?

If you said it sounds like a long, weird, wonderful round-trip jaunt from Raleigh across the US through the land of fruits and nuts, you would be correct.

If you said they are all places where kinksters live, you would be correct.

If you said that you can find the Nookster (and @selene73 and @slavesammyjay) traveling through in the month of July 2017, then you are super-correct!

WOOHOO! On The Road Again!

So, I and my friends are spending 26 days traveling in July, starting on the 3rd, and ending on the 29th, if all goes well.

The Goal:

See the US (and some amazing trees), eat fabulous food, and meet kinksters everywhere we go!

The Itinerary:

  • Louisville, KY: July 3,4
  • Memphis, TN: July 5,6
  • Denver, CO: July 7-10
  • Salt Lake City, UT: July 11-12
  • San Francisco, CA: July 13-15 (kinksters @late and @CountessK join us)
  • Las Vegas, NV: July 18,19
  • Los Angeles, CA: July 20-22(kinksters @late and @CountessK fly back)
  • Phoenix, AZ: July 23
  • Austin, TX: July 24
  • New Orleans, LA: July 25-26
  • Atlanta, July 27

What's Up:

So, we'd love to meet as many kinksters as possible while we travel. To that end, we're looking for opportunities for any of the following:

  • Impromptu munches/meet-and-greets: We love to try new foods, especially local favorites. Let's meet, have a drink and some delicious food, and talk kink!
  • Kink parties/educationals: Yes, please! Let us know what's going on where you are while we are there!
  • Teaching: I'm traveling through anyway. Take a look at my topics

    , and see if any interest you. Let's arrange something.
  • Crash Pad: We're ready to camp and stay in hotels, but if we can stay with kinksters, we would prefer it! We'll bring bedding, fun stories, a willingness to talk about kink, and I'm happy to cook up an egg scramble for breakfast.
  • See the sights. If we are there for longer than a night, we're gonna want to see the area. Cool spots, local hangouts, and trees (@selene73 has a thing for trees) are definitely on the list of things we enjoy. And walking. And hiking.
  • What else? You tell me! We are up for adventure!

So, Reach Out!

Send a note, call or text me if you have my number, Facebook me if you're connected to me there. Let's make awesome plans.

Seriously, I'm an adventurer, and up for fun and laughter with amazing kinky people. Let's make it happen!


One Cannot Not Communicate

Paul Watzlawick

said that. He is one of my favorite authors. When I was 14, I read his book, "How Real Is Real?" It changed my life and thoughts on communication.


Everything you do broadcasts YOU to others. There is no way to not be you, therefore, it is impossible to not broadcast yourself.


Even when you avoid communicating or avoid trying to behave a certain way, that is still communicating through your avoidance, body language, choices of 'change of topics' and so on.


Even not communicating is a communication. Ghosting is a great example of this (It's communicating that you're an asshole. LOL!).


So, once you realize that everything you do communicates whether you want it to or not (and maybe the message you send is not one you want to send), then perhaps the priority shifts to communicating effectively what you desire to communicate about yourself.

Dating: Are You Lying To Me Or To Everyone Else?


Hi there. You are lovely. I'd really like to get to know you better.


Thanks, I'm flattered. However, your profile states that you have no interest in poly, and I'm very poly. I wish you the best in your search.


Well, I'm not really monogamous. I've just never met a woman who wanted to date a guy who was poly, so that's how I answered.

-- OR --


You are gorgeous! I'd do anything you told me to do, if you'd own me.


Thanks, I'm flattered. However, your profile states that you are a dominant looking for a submissive female. Best of luck in fulfilling your fantasies!


I'm a switch, and I've been looking for a dominant woman to give myself to. I just say Dominant because most submissives don't like switches.

So, are you lying to me or to everyone else who reads your profile?

And, if you're me, there is no right answer to this question.

Because I don't do liars. I prefer authentic people.

Lie to me. Lie to everyone else. Makes no difference.

I have no interest.

Best of luck to you.

Friendzoned? That's Because You're A Buttnugget.

First, let me start of by saying that I know very well that most people think friendzoning is something that men bitch about. And they're right. But not only men.

This is for all y'all who are friendzoned.

You're all jackholes, and here's why:

Friend Zone is victim mentality and entitlement bullshit. Seem contradictory to you? It is. That's what makes you a twatwaffle.

You see, you can't believe that you are entitled to someone sexy/goody/romantic bits and also spurn a true offer of friendship and still be a good person.


You can't.

Don't even try to make excuses in your head. Just pay attention.

No matter what you do, you are NEVER entitled to ANYTHING from anyone. And if you like a person enough to want the nude-parts-slapping times, then you got nothing to complain about when they like you back, just without the bumping-uglies bit.

Oh, and this:

"I'm gonna be extra nice to this person... I'mma be their shoulder to cry on, give them advice, spend time with them doing things they like, make them think I'm their friend and I have NO INTENTIONS...
Then all of a sudden I'm gonna do a fucking 180 on their ass and tell them I have strong feelings...
And then be disappointed that they love the relationship I've created for them just the way it is."


Do you know how feeble that is? Fuckwaddery of the highest degree.

Bait and switch is such an asshat move, most states have laws against it.

Respect yourself. Be direct in your approach to get a clear "Yes" or "No," and move the fuck on if someone says "No."

Simple as that.

In other words, if you're friendzoned, that's all on you, Frodo Douchebaggins.

Because real friends are just, you know, friends, not whiners who use up a parking space in friendhood to try to figure out a better way to manipulate someone and get what they are not entitled to.

Dominant Men, I Love You.

I do. Even as a dominant woman, I love dominant men. You have been my friends, my lovers and, I'll admit it, the biggest pains in my asses, ever.

And I still love you.

Why am I writing this, then? Because I recently ran across an article that sums up a lot of what I hear about male dominants:

I'm Tired Of Straight Male Doms Invading The Kink Community

Some choice quotes from this article:

>"Now I am not here to argue that men can't be Doms (although, realistically, they probably can't)."

"And those people [male dominants] can take their decrepit Chlamydia-depositors (my word for Christian Grey's penis) and go home."

And from the list of things that make a man unwelcome in her fetish world:

"Do you refer to yourself as a 'sensual player'?"
"Do you refer to yourself as a switch?"
"Do you pay for a FetLife account?"

(BTW, if you answered yes to one of those questions, you are halfway to being not-allowed, according to the author, because you are too straight, too male, too porn-ish, too conservative, etc. Just FYI.)

And I'll be the first to admit that some male-identified people who choose 'Dom' as their role are douchebags. Of course they are.

But of those she champions: the dommes, the submissive men, the furries, the serious fetishists, the not-quite straights, etc... You know what? Some of them are douchebags as well.

Hell, I'd say more that in general those who tend to be douchebags do it regardless of color, creed, gender, orientation, religion, politics, kink... you get my meaning.

But, well, dominant men, you are pretty damn awesome when you are not douchebags.

And I love you.

When You Care, You Give Effort, Not Excuses


It's not perfection. It won't necessarily get you the gold medal or the plastic trophy, or even acknowledgement.

Effort is an expression of priority. Of value. Of what matters to you.

Just because you put in effort doesn't mean that you will always win or always get it right.

Effort means a lot, though, since no one ever achieves perfection.

And when something is wrong, and you care, you will give that effort. You will put in the time.

Even if it won't fix things.

Even if you won't win.

Excuses will not fix things or win them, either.

Behavior Modification: Set Them Up For Success, Exercise 9

Set them up for success.

In other words, help them get things right and get the reward, instead of getting stuck in the negative reinforcement cycle of their failure and disappointment or punishment.

For me, it's simple. I want things done, I make sure they get done.

Being a dominant, in my view, is not that much different from managing people in the workplace (something I also do). While it would be nice to have a diverse set of people who communication, memory, and drive match mine, this is NEVER going to happen.

So, instead, I take responsibility for their failure (I am the dominant/manager, they are "mine"), and I do what needs to be done to make things happen.

The steps I use are these:

Set what I want in writing.

Email or text works well here.

Ask when it can be done. Negotiate, if needed.

By asking them to set their own deadline, you are involving their brains and egos in the process. This engages them more. Makes their brains want more to work for/with you.

Using the deadline and the estimated time the task should take, set reminders on MY phone to check in on progress.

"Have you started XYZ yet?" "By the way, will ABC be done when I get home from work, as I requested?" "I've been watching for LMNOP, can you estimate when I'll get that?"

When they get it right, REWARD THEM! A lot.

This seems obvious, but I'll tell you from experience that when you're frustrated about not getting such simple things for so long, you really don't feel like rewarding a 5-minute task. That's EXACTLY what you need to do. It's about changing the cycle to positive from negative.

And keep in mind, with masochists, a good spanking is often a reward... LOL!

If they do not get it right, despite all your reminders, etc., them HELP THEM get it done.

Find out where the blockage is, and remove it.

Distractions? If it's a manual task, then stay with them to get it done, even if it's on the phone. They can't wander off that way, or find something else to do.

The more you can set them up for success, the better your relationship will be.


Take a look at your relationships and your work. Where have you missed opportunities to set people up for success?

Choose one thing to focus on, and plan for your own success to help them succeed, using the steps above, or any others you can think of.

Going to try it? Have tried it, or something similar?

I'd love to hear your experiences.

My Behavior Modification class for TMG in Raleigh was rescheduled for February 4, 2017.

Watch for more details, when it's been posted.

"Happy" Is Not The Be-All-End-All

Here's something I just wrote on a men's dominance and sexual energy board I participate in (have since 2007):

One of the men is having a hard time with the principles. He finds himself constantly trying to control his wife's emotional state, often by joking when he thinks she is not happy. He has said that he would ask himself:

"WHY do I want to brighten her mood? To get her lathered up to fuck? Or because she is my woman and I love her and want her to be happy because happiness is good for her?"

This is my reply:

I can say this: Happiness is NOT ALWAYS what's good for her.

I have made that mistake for myself in the past, trying to be "happy" all the time or as much as possible. I've learned better.

I liken it to dieting. ONE FOOD is not good for me. My body needs biodiversity.

Our brains are the same. We need to feel many different types of emotions, it allows us our full expression and awareness of ourselves and the world around us.

There is a theory that most people feel 4-5 emotions on a regular basis:

  • Sad
  • Angry
  • Happy
  • Love
  • Annoyed

Lets say those are your five. And you cycle through those day after day, day in, day out, week after week, and so on into the future.

Whatever comes along, you have to fit it in one of those emotions, because you are in a rut, and these are the well-worn pathways in your brain. They are your go-to. The ones you can feel without any real thought.

Out of those five, if you're not happy or in love, you're sad, angry, or annoyed.

You see the problem here?

But what if you add in:

And here's the thing: emotions are there for a reason. To teach us about the world and how we feel about it. To point out things that are wrong and things that are right. To give the the green/yellow/red for our entire life's experience.

There are so many different emotions to experience. Why would we want to choose happiness above all others?

Why would you want to choose that for anyone else?

I'm sorry if this offends you, but...

I just got a message like this. It wasn't offensive. It was a bit... well... over-the-top.

And the thing is, the writer knew it. It's why it started with, "I'm sorry if this offends you, but..."

Did you all know that when you use the word 'but' in a sentence, it erases EVERYTHING you said before it? EVERYTHING.

It makes it sound like this:

"I'm sorry if this offends you, but I want to say this and fulfill me own needs and fantasies more than I care about your feelings and personal consent values."

If you REALLY want to connect with someone online, why would you do this? Why would you continually put your "DO-ME" attitude first? It drive women (people) away from you.

They may not know why. They will know that you have made them feel icky and uncomfortable and just plain not-interested.

All with a message you KNEW you shouldn't be sending.

In online connection and dating and searching for the one (or more), you want to increase your odds of succeeding, and you are your own worst enemy.

On the other hand, if you drop this habit like a hot potato and never do it again, you have just raised yourself above 70% (or more) of men instantly.

Think on that.

(I posted this in my own FLR group and my dating page, but I thought ya'll would like it. smiles )

Are You A Priority? Do You Really Want To Be?

The original meme didn't have the bits about it being bullshit, of course... But it is.

Or rather, it might be.

Thing is, lots of people ARE really busy. To suggest that some people do not have more on their plate than others is denying reality.

  • Some have kids.
  • A job with long hours.
  • A dying parent.
  • Heavy volunteer efforts.
  • All of the above.

How would you feel if that amazing person gave these up for you. Honestly. In two years, when they don't have a job, but hey, you're their priority!

Or, when their children are neglected, but they always have time for you.

And of course, the priority list does come into play, yes. However...

If your schedules do not mesh, or if your priority to see them is not high, either, then it will not work. Also, if you need more time than they can offer, it will also not work. Not because you are not their priority, but because they just do not have enough left after their life.

And that's OK.

Meme/quotes like that are built-in confirmation bias.

They tell you something you (the reader) want to hear, so that you can feel smug and superior.

Those that resonate with this pass it on, and "connect" with others who also pass it on, creating their bubble on group-think, all having this though:

"So-and-so is lying. They do have time. They aren't making me a priority."

MAYBE that's true. Maybe it's not. Saying it, so that you can feel justified in being angry and condescending instead of feeling hurt is not truth.

It is simply a defense mechanism to feel better.

As Long As You Focus On What Other People Think... are bound by their rules.

When you just relax and become your authentic self, you make your own rules and attract people who buy into them.

Ownership Is Always Mutual

He is my sub, I am his Queen.

I am owned as thoroughly as he. Equally, with different responsibilities and tasks.

Were I to abandon my new scarf by leaving it on a subway, it will no longer be my scarf. Someone else will pick it up, and it will become theirs.

It remains mine only so long as I keep investing myself in it and it's care.

(Interestingly, the original meaning of "invest" is to clothe yourself with something, to enter into something that you wrap around yourself.)

Poly Thinking VS. Mono Thinking? Or Something More?

I'm on a lot of dating/connecting sites. I turn off my profile and turn it back on when I feel, but like to keep myself out there, meeting interesting people.

Anyway, a guy that I've turned down in the past (not a match) sends me a message. I'm friendly, we chat, and then...

He says:

I'm glad, it's always a shame to come back to this..or to see someone that you're familiar with back on as well. I hope you find what you're looking for. My offer for coffee and chat is always open...or just safe chat on here if you ever need to vent to a "faceless" entity. Since we've seen each other on Craig's and here it means we aren't having the best of luck.

My reply:

I think you read my presence here wrong. I have a long-term partner whom I love to pieces. I'm poly and a cuckoldress, and I enjoy dating sites to keep my options open. I'm not here because I'm not having luck. I'm here because I'm open to the right possibilities coming into my life. smiles

So, I looked back, and I realized that one of the man reasons I wasn't into this guy was that he seemed mono-minded to me, even though he claimed to be poly. Didn't want an "open relationship," had issues with a girlfriend having a same-sex roommate, didn't want a lover going to dinner with an ex and so on...

So, I thought that maybe it's a mono thing.

If I see you today and you turn me down, but you're still here 6 months later, maybe your standards have changed?

But, I don't think that's it.

I think it's something deeper. A way of looking at the world.

What say you?

I Absolutely, Positively Refuse Your Request To Jackoff To Or On My Photos!

So there!

stomps foot

Bet that's stops you, huh?



It doesn't?

You mean I CAN'T control your behavior with my pixelated demands? You're going to do whatever you want regardless of my stern and demanding words on a screen, you say?

The foot stomp doesn't help even a little?

Well, duh.

So why even bother asking?

I mean, really. I can't control you. I don't own you. I haven't a relationship with you. Hell, I don't even know you.

So, of course you can do whatever to any of my pictures that you see fit. I can't stop you.

I also have zero interest in participating in your fetish without my consent, and I don't particularly want to hear about your pervy activity or see the results.

When They Don't Love You Back...

It hurts.

Even when they do love you back, but it's just not as much as you love them. Or as much as you need them to. Or enough to make that change that will make you happy together... for now.

Of course it hurts. But WHY does it hurt?

It's not because you love them. It's because you want them to love you.

In a very specific way.

It's your emotions throwing a tantrum when they don't get what they want.

Your Ex: Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde? Actually, It's You AND Them.

In my writing yesterday

, @Innermind said:

It's always fascinating when someone writes about how awesome their lover is when they are together and just trash them once the relationship ends. Were they dating two different people?

Which inspired me to write about this. I've thought about this quite a bit, and I'd say there is one primary reason for it.

According to Incognito: The Secret Lives of the Brain by David Eagleman


"...[your brain is] made up of an entire parliament of pieces and parts and subsystems. Beyond a collection of local expert systems, we are collections of overlapping, ceaselessly reinvented mechanisms, a group of competing factions. The conscious mind fabricates stories to explain the sometimes inexplicable dynamics of the subsystems inside the brain. It can be disquieting to consider the extent to which all of our actions are driven by hardwired systems, doing what they do best, while we overlay stories about our choices.

It's why we want to lose weight and get healthy while simultaneously skipping a workout and eating ice cream out of the container. Or why we decide to work harder to get ahead in our careers, and find ourselves operating with the same habitual behaviors.

So, knowing that, it's like a battle in our heads between our two selves. Not unlike a political election:


Fights for the relationship and the love and focuses only on what goes right.


Fights to show all the bad things, the things that will lead to ruin, to hurt and loneliness.

And like politics, we don't just have two parties with their own agendas.


Our white knight of social justice sees what SkepticalCantakerousMe is focusing on, and just knows it's because our partner hasn't been loved enough, and gets to the task of changing that.


Can't help but despair, thinking of how all of these types of things have ended in the past...


Will fly off the handle with rage, with love, with lust, with power—you never really know, but strong emotions fuel this me, and if he breaks free from the straight jacket... well, we've all been there at least once in love, right?

So, like a political campaign, these selves are jockeying for power, and when they are tops in the polls, they act, posting on social media:

"Never has a daddy been so amazing, evah!

Right? We all do it a bit here and there. And we realize this is more socially acceptable than what CrazyAsFuckMe from our fight last night might have to say.

So, these things go on through the relationship. When SkepticalCantakerousMe makes a really good point or CrazyAsFuckMe gets loose and wreaks havoc, and the opinion polls starts to swing their way, IncurableRomanticMe steps up their game with over-the-top political ads, telling friends, family, and the world how wonderful things are.

And swings things back their way.

In some campaigns, the candidates are relatively friendly and civil, working together, sharing notes and pulling for the good of all.

Others, well, just look at 2016... sighs

The end of a relationship is like an election where SkepticalCantakerousMe wins. And sometimes, it's an upset and one of the independents wins, and CrazyAsFuckMe goes fucking insane and gets spiteful, and generally send an atom bomb into their lives and other relationships, trying to eradicate the debris...

And, once things have settled a bit, the parties pick themselves up, dust themselves off, and the cycle starts all over again—a battle for power and control.


Our brains are complicated. And so are the brains of those we love.

We're like two countries trying to ally, while our own inner factions and political turmoil are raising a ruckus about what we really want and the directions we're going in.

It's confusing as fuck look at it from the outside, as you said, @Innermind. If you really pay attention to what's going on, it's WAY crazier behind the scenes.

Stop Talking Shit About Your Ex, Seriously!

I rarely say bad things about my exes. After all, they are pretty awesome people (I picked them, LOL!) for the most part.

Also, there is this thing called trait transference

that I recently learned about, but have been watching in action pretty much my whole life...

What is trait transference?


The words you say about others, others will ascribe to you.

Uh huh.

Read that again.

What you say about people is what people will think about you.

So, I could talk smack about all my exes. I could air their dirty laundry, and say horrible, mean, nasty things about them... and you—all of you—will deep down file those things away in the brain cabinet marked "Nookie," and I will be the horrible, mean, nasty one, as far as your mind is concerned.


Sure, people in my life have done terrible things to me. I'll even talk about them, sometimes here in writing, sometimes in private.

I have a choice HOW I speak of my experiences.

And that's what it's all about, right? How we choose to handle ourselves and our experiences is what people will judge us on, long-term.

So saying negative things reflects negatively on me. And you.

Oh, and another thing... While you're foaming at the mouth over how your ex is a despicable human not worth wasting air on, we're all wondering what you'll say about us if things go south...

Think about how you speak about your exes—well what you say about everyone—to others. Pay attention to how others speak of those relationships in their lives that have gone wrong.

What we say reveals more about us and who we have to be to choose those words, that attitude, than it ever could about the person we're speaking of.

Writing Prompt: What Do Your Mornings Look Like?

My head is full of stuff I have to get done, code things to try to figure out, ideas.
My lap is full of computer, notepads with scribbles and jots, pens, and a cat.
My life is full of amazing people, wonderful experiences, and plans for the future.
My heart is full of love and happiness.

I just wrote this in a message response to a polite inquiry, and realized that it's how I have always wanted my mornings to look. I've worked hard to design my life, and morning are my favorite part of my day.

The Prompt

What do your mornings look like?

  • Are you a morning person?
  • Do you need coffee before civility?
  • Can you even be civil before noon?
  • Do you jump right into activity, or do you spend mindful time welcoming the day?

Feel free to write to me or in your own journal and link here (so others can read it), or just think on it or write on it and keep it to yourself, if you prefer.

I've posted my inspiration for this prompt above. I usually don't want to influence anyone, as I love the idea of getting your honest and gut-instinct responses, however, I think we all know ourselves well enough to make this happen.

Write a sentence. Or a paragraph. Or an essay. Or whatever this is to you. Talk it out. Make it yours.

I'm looking forward to reading your responses!

Writing Prompt: Is Trust Earned? Or Is it Given?

There is no right answer that applies to everyone, I think.

Every answer depends on how you see trust.


firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something.

That's a dictionary definition. I've also read that trust is as simple as the ability to predict another's behavior. Or just faith that a person will not harm you, or is not capable of crossing certain boundaries.

It's all of these things to me.

And more.

And less.

For me, trust is given. Then it is earned. It's a cycle.

On the other side, it works the same way. It is broken, then it's taken away. Also a cycle.

But it's more than just a transaction to me. It is a kind of faith. To be worth something—anything—it must withstand mistakes and challenges. When it is earned, however, it transcends. It grows exponentially. It becomes so much more than when it was given.

The Prompt

What about you? Is trust earned? Is it given? It it something else, something that just grows naturally, without any conscious attention?

How do you trust?

  • Do you trust easily?
  • Do people trust you?
  • What are the components of trust?
  • Is trust different on either side of the slash?

Feel free to write to me or in your own journal and link here (so others can read it), or just think on it or write on it and keep it to yourself, if you prefer.

I've posted a few thoughts. I have more, of course. I don't want to influence anyone, though, as I love the idea of getting your honest and gut-instinct responses.

Write a sentence. Or a paragraph. Or an essay. Or whatever this is to you. Talk it out. Make it yours.

I'm looking forward to reading your responses!

A Night Of Tears...

It was hard. It was painful.

Some of our truths are amazing, wonderful, fantastic, astounding... and some are hurtful.

You reacted defensively, and I was hurt more—beyond the topic, to the core of us.

Something changed, though. I felt it. You began responding to me with love and understanding and connection. I opened up. You took me in. You gave me of yourself.

We talked through pain. We talked through tears. Nothing was solved. It was not a solvable problem.

It was cathartic.

I felt good at the end. I felt positive in who we are and all that we do, even though neither of us know the outcome, and we both know it will hurt more in the future.

We have nurtured our love carefully, and it will continue to grow in our care.

This, above all else, I am certain of.

Happiness = Complacency = Dead Relationship?

I read this article the other day:

Why It Pays To Be Grumpy And Bad Tempered

One of the quotes I found interesting was:

"“Happiness functions like a shorthand signal that we’re safe and it’s not necessary to pay too much attention to the environment. Those in a continuous happy haze may miss important cues. Instead, they may be over-reliant on existing knowledge – leaving them prone to serious errors of judgement."

In another post a while back (damn this crappy search!), an amazing comment came up about how the hardest thing we do in relationships is to continue SEEING each other for who we are, instead of collecting a mass of assumptions and treating our partners as avatars in our own minds.

And I agree with that.

And I've seen first-hand how happiness can blind a person.

And not in the 'Imma-ignore-red-flags" way, but in the, "I'm happy, so everything must be fine" way, or the "I'm happy, so problems in the relationship are your problems" kind of way.

Happiness signals our brains that we're safe. That everything is cool. That we've nothing to worry about.

And so, we don't. And the details slip by.

  • We don't worry about the birthday we missed.
  • We don't worry about a regular date night.
  • We don't worry that we are not as loving and romantic as we used to be.

Because, well, we're happy.

Until we're not.

Kink, Like Any Other Relationship, Begins As A Simple Calculation

In a message this morning:

Why do you always turn me down?

He asked, so I gave him an honest answer.

I said that he has not made me feel that he is worth the time and effort of creating a new relationship with him. I'm sure he's a perfectly good person (at least probably so), he has just not shown me that he has what I am looking for.

When it comes right down to it, kink, like any other relationship, begins as a simple calculation.

If You Run Into An Asshole In The Morning...

"If you run into an asshole in the morning, you ran into an asshole. If you run into assholes all day, you're the asshole." -Raylan Givens, Justified

or you're a proctologist, that's always possible

But, let's say you're not a proctologist,and you're not running into the kinds of assholes that proctologists concern themselves with.

Well, unfortunately, that means you're the asshole.

But, wait.

"I'm NEVER the asshole. Everything I do is 100% justified, totally!"

Yes. That's true. Unfortunately, it's true for every single other person on this hunk of rock hurdling through space.

Yup. EVERYONE does what they think is the rightest, bestest, most advantageous thing for them to do at every moment. So, of course, they are not the assholes, either.

Well, at least not in their minds.

And not in mine, either.

So, when a bunch of people are saying you're the asshole, what do you do?

1. Get your ego out of the way.

This is tough, and for good reason. Egos act as a shield, and putting down your shield when you are under attack is, well, kinda dumb in most situations. But in this case, well, you gotta take a few hits to learn.

2. Examine your behavior.

This is hard, because of what I said above. OF COURSE your behavior is justified. Pshaw! But really do it. Look closely for any overreactions, escalations, and not-niceness.

3. DO NOT examine their behavior.

Their behavior doesn't really matter, because you can't control that. And looking at their behavior just leads to(imagine this in a blustery, yet pouty voice), "Well, THEY did X, so I did Y," which is just going back to the ages-old comfort zone of justification.

4. Seriously. Resist the temptation.

Don't examine their behavior. Don't justify. Focus on your behavior. No blame, no excuses. Just do it.

5. Compare your behavior to your personal standards for niceness or whatever your standards are.

Think about those standards when it comes to people engaging with you. Is this how you would want to be treated, by anyone, at any time? What about on a day when everything is going wrong? Would you like it then?

6. Make a change.

Or not. You may still be 100% justified, in your mind, and everyone else may be assholes.

Or, you may find that you give yourself a lot more leeway than you give the people around you, and you want to change that. That would be cool, too.

"Don't Post Writings About How To Interact Online—It'll Just Teach Assholes To Fool People."

That's utter shite. It's exclusionary and smacks of high school.

I go out of my way to teach people to interact better. I WANT people to learn how to connect with others. Most humans can only be their best human selves in connection with other humans they can learn from and grow with.

Give them the chance.

Many will not take it. And that's OK.

But to suggest that some people do not "deserve" to learn how to interact successfully? Ugh! What horrible snootiness. For shame.

I Call Bullshit. That's Just An Excuse Born Of Fear And Laziness

A conversation I have had in a zillion myriad ways over the years has come up yet again, and of course, I have to rant a bit.

Don't mind me... I'm just like that.

So, the other day, this guy says to me:

I was one of the guys that actually did read profiles, and would only write to those that I thought were promising as far as compatibility. I'd take the time to write out what I thought were thoughtful, informative, letters, talking about what I thought we had in common and why I'd like to get to know them better. Often, this process would take 30 minutes to an hour. And all too often I'd not get any kind of reply in return.
I hate to think how much time I wasted on them.
Eventually I did start getting a "fuck that" attitude, and my initial contact letters got shorter and shorter. Why the hell should I waste my time if they can't even be bothered to send a simple, "Thanks, but no thanks"? Of course then you start seeing all of the women that complain about the short, non-informative contact notes.

I call bullshit.

No matter what you are doing, no matter your goal, YOU choose your meaning.

Sending me a long letter, and I do not respond (I've been hit by a bus), then sending another woman a long letter, who also does not respond (she's not been on the site, thanks to a sick mother), then a third (she's just not interested), has NOTHING to do with the fourth.


Except that you have chosen to treat all women in exactly the same way out of laziness and fear.

You are willing to lower your standards of personal behavior (ie: long letters) based on their behavior, therefore treating all women the same and poorly.

And all women are NOT the same.

Pity, really.

My attitude, is that once I decide I'm interested in someone or set my sights on a goal, it's win or fail spectacularly. I will never lose thanks to lack of effort. But that's because I have my own standards of living that have nothing to do with the people in my life and whether they positively or negatively reinforce that.

Think about it. Do you really want to let others dictate your own personal standards for living your life?

I Am More Comfortable Seeing You As I Want To See You

There. I said it. It's true.

It's human to see people and judge them, and put them in their labeled box and be done with it.

I am human. At least most of the time.

And even when I'm not indulging in that particular comfort, it's tempting.

Oh, come on. Don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about. You do.

It's tempting to characterize someone who hurts me as mean.

It's tempting to label someone who disagrees with me as stupid.

It's tempting to call someone who finds me unattractive as brainwashed by the media.

And so on.

VERY tempting.

I resist. Most of the time. I push past my comfort zone. I work out my 'seeing muscles' as diligently as I work out my body (and it's just as fucking miserable, a lot of the time—it hurts to grow).

I do this so I can see you as you are, and not just see the assumptions that make me comfortable.

Any Problem You Can't Discuss In Your Relationship... two problems. Or more.

1. The problem itself.
2. The problem of not being able to discuss it.

Lately, the topic of relationships black holes has come up in several conversations. I take that as a sign I need to write and think about it.

Let's say you have a problem. You talk about it, and it doesn't work, so you put it away, and avoid talking about it again. (1)

Now, a new problem pops up, and you start to talk about it. Unfortunately, too late, you realize that it's related, and the topic comes back to THAT WHICH WE DON'T DISCUSS. You put it away, too. This problem has just become a part of the relationship black hole. There will be multiple problems like this. (2)

Unfortunately, the nature of a black hole is to suck things in. Now, even a problem that wasn't related to the first problem, but is related to the related problem is now a potential powder keg. Luckily, by this point, you've gotten more savvy, and you avoid talking about it, just put it away as soon as you see it. (3)

And, then, the final stage, when the black hole takes over your whole relationship. This is when anything that pisses you off, causes resentment, or makes you feel sad brings you right back to the original problem, because it's been festering so long. (4).

Let's look at this in an example:

You forgot my birthday. It's a BIG deal to me, and I get upset. You are intractable, and I feel like you just don't understand. We have a huge blow-up. No one gets what they want, no resolution is found, and it just gets put away. (1)

Unfortunately, two weeks later your bestie throws a surprise party for their partner, which sets us off again. That's when we realize that every mention of birthdays will be an issue. We pack it away, dry our angry tears and go to the party with our friends. It's not brought up again. (2)

A few months later, when a sort of truce on birthdays has been created by just not talking about them or acknowledging the issue at all, I see an over-the-top romantic video online for an anniversary. I send it to you, suggesting that MAYBE you won't forget our anniversary, too. It's only three months away. Now every celebration of love, affection, and appreciation is a part of the relationship black hole. (3)

The relationship goes on, limping along, until a few weeks before my next birthday, when you forget to take out the trash, and it becomes, "You never remember anything that makes me happy! That's why you forget my birthday!"

Now, everything that upsets me or pisses me off brings up that core hurt (and possibly others) because it's never been resolved, and because I've gone over it again and again in my mind, so I'm familiar with the pain, and can access it instantly. (4)

So, would you rather have one problem to talk about or two problems that multiply exponentially?

Top Of the Heap

Everyone has priorities. Work, life, kids, pets, friends, family... Everyone.

Some people have more priorities and others because they have more in their lives. More people, more opportunities, more work.

They have a heap of priorities.

And few people who have so many options in their lives are looking for things they can add to that heap. Because, well, it's already a heap, and it takes a lot of time and energy to keep it from growing out of control.

Which means when you interrupt them with your message on this or another social site asking for their time, their attention, their affection, their play, their sexuality...

You'll only get a positive response if your offer seems worth being put at or near the top of the heap.

And by worth, I don't mean in your view. Of course you think it's worth it—it's your request. Worth being put at the top of the heap by the person who has the heap to begin with.

People with heaps of priorities and opportunities understand that attention is a priority. Once they pay you their attention, they can never take it back. That time and effort is gone.

So, ask yourself before your press 'send,' what are you going to do to earn it?

She's A Slut!

A friend of mine likes to be referred to as a slut. It's her preferred term. I'm perfectly happy to use it.


And if someone else were to be hurt by my using it, I would apologize.

Here's the important thing:

I am apologizing for hurting them.

I am not apologizing for using a word that many people do not find offensive, and has actually become such a part of our working lexicon that it is one of the labels we can choose to identify as here on Fet. I am not apologizing for using a term that she chose for herself.

I apologize because I care about the individual who is traumatized, AND I care about the person who self identifies.

Will I avoid using that word in the future around the hurt person? Hell yeah.

Because I don't like to hurt people unintentionally.

However, I will not avoid using that word to refer to my friend in other situations. Nor will I apologize for the use.

Must We Make Beauty The Ultimate Achievement?

"But we don't!" You might say.

I would argue that maybe YOU don't, or don't mean to, but our culture does. Just look at these messages:

Smart Is The New Beautiful

Strong Is The New Beautiful

Natural Is The New Beautiful

Brave Is The New Beautiful

Confidence Is The New Beautiful

Of course, you can probably find all of these with the predicate "...Is The New Sexy" as well, as if all of these amazing qualities are just multiple pathways to hotness.

And then there are the 'empowering' memes: curves are beautiful, no wait, muscles are beautiful. Fat is beautiful—and so is thin. Red hair is beautiful, but so is brown, and we can't forget blonde. Wait! Grey and white must have their spotlights, too! Young women are beautiful, older women are beautiful. Real women are beautiful, and, of course, all women are real.

So, therefore, ALL women are beautiful, especially if they follow the scientific suggestions in this book!

As if we have the mental capacity of preschoolers who MUST receive exactly the same share of beauty cookies as everyone else, or we'll throw a temper tantrum.

There are MANY paths to attraction.

Must we be so hellbent on comparing the incredible traits to beauty, as if that were the ultimate achievement?

Discussion: Is Poly "Sharing" To You?

So, the set up:

I'm in a poly group on another site, and a young man was finally going to meet his girlfriend's husband after a year. He was very excited, because he'd wanted to for a while, but also nervous, and was looking for suggestions on what to do/say.
One of the things he said was something like, "Maybe I'll shake his hand and thank him for sharing her..."
Which immediately caused an uproar.
The upshot of the hysteria was that using the word "sharing" implies that her husband owns her, and is deigning to "loan" her out to the OP.

This confused me, so I typed "define share" into google, and go the following definitions.


gerund or present participle: sharing

  • have a portion of (something) with another or others.
  • give a portion of (something) to another or others.
  • use, occupy, or enjoy (something) jointly with another or others.
  • (of a number of people or organizations) have a part in (something, especially an activity).
  • tell someone about (something), especially something personal.
  • post or repost (something) on a social media website or application.

So, from what I see, the word share is appropriate within an 'ownership' context and without one.

For example, I see the definition use, occupy, or enjoy (something) jointly with another or others as a perfect example. Like sharing a love of cute animals, sharing a park bench, or sharing this Earth (the Earth on is one of his examples in defending himself), as we don't OWN any of those things or concepts.

As an owner of my Pet, I do share him from the ownership perspective, but I do not own his love, even if I share it (use it and enjoy it jointly) with others.

So, what do you think?

Is poly "sharing" for you? Why or why not? What other words do you use/prefer and why?

Is It REALLY About Their Age? Or Is It About YOUR Discomfort?

Reading this today inspired me to write about something that I've been thinking about and have talked about quite a bit with friends:

3 Shots Fired: Innermind, AngelicScorpio, TheFerret

I don't know what @Kryptons-finest is referring to. I haven't looked, because my rant is about the rant itself, not the three people he called out.


Look, when I was young, I was not as savvy as I am now. That's true. Part of the reason I am wiser now is because I took my risks, made my decisions, and learned from them when I was more resilient and less... set in my ways... than I am now.

As a younger woman, I was constantly spending time with an older crowd. It was not unusual for me to be the youngest at most gatherings, sometimes by a decade or more.

At nearly 43 now, I'm not the youngest anymore.

And I've had my own battles with playing with and caring about people more than ten years younger—or worse, half my age.

To be fair, I'm constantly shocked by how new kinksters participate in reckless decision-making, throw their value away, and make poor partner choices.

But by "new kinksters," I don't mean young people.

I mean people new to the lifestyle. People in Frenzy.

Having run a venue, I can tell you, it wasn't the young people that caused the majority of drama, made the worst decisions, or bothered other attendees the most.

Sure, there was some 'only the young...' style drama. But that pales in comparisons to how people with experience in lying and getting away with things can fuck up their lives and lives in connection with theirs.

And yes, young people make a lot of mistakes.

So do older people.

And young people are still growing and learning, and the mistakes they make catapult them into either being better people...


Becoming the older people still making mistakes at my age plus ten years at parties and events.

So, when you do that 'ageist' thing, I ask you...

Are you thinking of how you were at whatever tender age?

Do you know, with the eyes of experience that you were young, dumb, and full of... hubris? Do you have regrets? Do you wish you'd known?

Maybe you do.

But you've survived. And you made your own (legal and possibly non-legal) mistakes, and you have grown.

Are you thinking of your children?

Your job as a parent is to prepare your children to survive on their own and make their own decisions. If you've done your job, with luck, they will grow up to be allowed judgment and hypocrisy in middle age and beyond as well.

Are you ashamed of being attracted to young, hard bodies that were not yet even born when you turned legal for the sexy stuff?

What's there to be ashamed of?

Sure, when I was 16, @Switch114 was just being born as an amazing young man. @ellesar33 was still six years from existing in diapers and 27 years from playing Pinocchio for Women In Charge.

@Pepper_Pots was 24 years out of becoming a ropeist that I respect and @Shove-It had 26 years before she would comment on my writing and really make me think about things.

The chronological ages of these people say NOTHING about their value or potential impact on the world. These four (and many others) young adults have taught me things that I only WISH I could pass on to everyone my age and older.

Are you jealous?

I have seen a lot of sour grapes from men and women alike, noting that so-and-so's new toy must be half their age, when I saw them drunkenly hitting and said toy not a month before, and being turned down.

Or... are you just afraid?

I'm not just getting older. It seems to go by faster every year. It was only yesterday I got a Mohawk for my 40th birthday.

I have a few grey hairs. My joints sometimes sound like rice crispies when I climb the stairs. Boot camp fitness is harder on me than I ever remember physical activities being. My skin is drier than it used to be. I've got a bit more hips than I did when it was easier to stay in shape, even though I work out harder.

I hear from my age-group friends (and younger women) that single men my age are skewing towards much younger women in their searches, generally. This frightens a lot of them, as they are worried they will not find someone to share their lives with.

So, of course, that makes it easier to point the finger at the young people and the age gap relationships, instead of just realizing that as we get older, we have different social challenges than we did when we were young, and there will always be people who prefer someone other than us.

Also, and I get this, seeing all these amazing young people doing things I never dreamed of when I was young, mastering them, even beyond what I will ever do... it can be a bit intimidating. After all, if they are at that level at an age when I was being an idiot and sowing my wild oats, how could I possibly compare as an older person, who hasn't even begun?

But, you know what?

That's not about age.

It's about ME. It's about my fears of not measuring up. Of having failed many times in my life, and knowing I'll fail again many more.

They are who they are.

And I am who I am. I have done some pretty amazing shit in my life, and I continue to live a fucking fantastic life... because I learned how to make choices and live with the consequences when I was their age.

As long as they are of legal age for what they are doing, and as long as they (and their partners) don't hurt others without consent or damage people intentionally (even with consent), then I say, "stay the fuck out of it like they stay the fuck out of your lives and relationships."

It's not up to you to judge their age, their chosen relationship age gaps, or really anything.

And when you do, I suggest you stop a moment and examine your own discomfort.

I Desire Your Desire

I was reading through a poly discussion on FB about lookisms, and a point was made that got me to thinking:

I've realized that for me, specifically, it isn't about whether someone deigns to fuck me or spend time (even years) with me. If they see me through a... lens that causes them to take my energy, affections, vulnerability, emotions and place in our relationship for granted while being much more considerate and respectful of [others] then this still is not even close to what I'm after.

Which made me think of previous relationships and how they have made me feel, and why I've ended most of my relationships recently.

Desire. Well, a lack of.

Or, you might call it something else. Attention. Valuation. SEEING me.

Whatever you call it—I'll keep calling it desire—it's not optional to me.

selene73 recently read "He's Just Not That Into You," and while I've never read the book myself, I get that jist, and I'm behind the concept.

If he or she is not 'into' me enough to offer the desire/attention/valuation/sight I need, I won't stick around.

More than that, I will lose interest. FAST. Because there is nothing that is a bigger turn off than someone who does not desire me.

And I don't want people who don't desire me.

Or—and here's where it gets sticky—don't desire me ENOUGH.

Enough to show me.
Enough to overcome fear.
Enough to put in the work.
Enough to put away distractions.
Enough to make me feel it.

Enough for me to desire them in the way I want to, nay, NEED to desire someone.

And I'd rather live without, and make space in my life, than choose something that does not make me feel crazy, passionately, wildly in the moment in desire.

My Skin Hungers For Yours

I am a touchy person. In fact, when I talk about consent, that is my weakest area, and I am aware of it. I work on it constantly.

I was raised by a mother who touched. A LOT. I think maybe she was starved when she was younger, but that's another story for another time.

It is natural to me to touch someone to make a point, to show affection, to share their sorrow.

It's one reason my Pet and I work so well together. One of his two primary love languages is touch. He can never get enough, has never gotten enough. And I love to touch, so it's a perfect fit.

I hold back from touching many people, though.

On purpose.

Because of consent, partly. And because of this...

By connecting touch and sex (as mentioned above), our society has made it sometimes difficult to be naturally affectionate, especially with touch, and not be seen as 'leading someone on.'

Which I would hate to do. And that leads to skin hunger.

Surviving near each other, instead of thriving with each other.

But I will tell you this, right now.

If you are my friend, or you want to be my friend, or you just enjoy being touched or petted non-sexually, let me know. Because I will relax around you. I will touch you.

Better yet, ask me for a hug, and give it to me good.

Because, as a human, I love touch. And my skin hungers for yours.

I Put Myself Out There...

A friend of mine said on FB (he didn't want attribution):

If you put yourself out there in any meaningful way...
* You will be branded as creepy by some.
* You will be branded as crazy by some.
* You will be branded a hero by some.
* You will be branded a villain by others.
* You will have countless critics.
* You will dramatically change the world for a small group.
* You may not see the fruit of your work in your lifetime.
* You may not ever accomplish what you want.
But if you put yourself out there... you will matter.
That's something most people will never have.

I will add, after thinking about this for a while that I've found all of this to be true, except I'm not sure that putting myself out there make me matter more than anyone else.

I feel people matter, period.

But something that most people never have is the sense of overcoming that is a direct result of putting yourself out there and facing all the criticism and the compliments (some of which are harder to hear than the compliments) over and over.

And I can't not put myself out there, because that small group makes it all worthwhile.

A Key Point We Often Miss When Discussing Consent

Kiba sent me a link yesterday to An Essay On Consent, From A Woman Who Hosts Huge Sex Parties


It's an excellent piece of work on consent, covering many bases. Here are a few of my favorite points:

"Even if you previously granted consent, if you lose the ability to revoke that consent, from that moment on, there is no consent. And if someone takes that control over your consent from you, or ignores that you have lost your control over your consent, that is rape. You must be in control of, and able to revoke, your consent at all times for that consent to remain valid."
"Only act on enthusiastic consent: 'Yes!' not 'Maybe…' Consent is binary. You have enthusiastic consent or you do not have consent."
"If you want to be really, really sure someone is enthusiastically consenting, ask them to say yes a few times before you do that kinky thing to them. Make them beg for you to do that kinky thing to them. Consent for the win!"
"Consent for one activity (i.e. drinking earl grey tea) does not mean you also have consented to another activity (i.e. drinking english breakfast tea with milk and honey.) “Consenting to sex” is not some catchall for having suddenly consented to every imaginable type of sexual activity, and losing control over your limits."

There is more. A lot more. And I recommend reading it. For everyone. Even those who understand consent. Not because it will necessarily teach you more, but because it may give you more words and more ways of explaining and more ways of doing consent than you had before you read it.

However, there is something missing in every major consent piece I've read, and even those that mention it seems to gloss it over, as they are focused primarily on the physical, rather than the mental results of consent.

Consent is only valid when they know what they are getting into.

In the medical world, this is called informed consent

, and it is defined as permission granted in the knowledge of the possible consequences.

The important part here is the "knowledge of the possible consequences" part.

In other words, a person cannot give consent if they don't fully understand what they are consenting to and what may happen as a result.

I often tell people that I have two rules in consent:

1. It has to be enthusiastic.

2. It has to be informed.

My partners have to know what I'm asking, or what they are asking to be able to give consent, or for me to consent to their requests.

In practice, enthusiasm is very easy to recognize. Begging, pleading, kissing my feet—all very clear indications of enthusiastic consent.

Informed consent, though, maybe not so much.

The first night I met my Pet, a friend wanted him about me:

"Watch out for her, she plays in boy's heads."

He immediately turned to me, and gave consent. In fact, said, "You may play in my head anytime."

I laughed, because he had NO idea what he was consenting to. But, I took it for what it was, and engaged.

Now, after 3 years (today, actually) of my playing in his head, and his seeing the results and having my tactics and reasoning explained to him, he has a MUCH better idea of my behavior modification kinks, and he still consents.

Still consents.

I know this because I ask him.


To consent again to me playing in his mind. Because each time he discovers a new way I've played with him and modified him, he is more able to fully consent.

And, to be fair, I'm not always sure where I will take him. I had no idea three years ago where we would be today, anymore than he did.

So, getting consent as I go is important to me.

And, I love consent... it's sexy and hot and all sorts of yummy good things, and getting a "Yes, My Queen" from that boy is better than Viagra for me.

But, regardless of my own personal consent perversions, I do it because it's not just about consent.

It's about INFORMED consent.

You have all the power you do not give to others.

You are not powerless. You are never powerless.

You may have been in the past.

You are not now, nor will you ever be again.

Choose carefully to whom you give control of your life, your body, your love, for your power can be used to shame you, hurt you, maim you.

Even then, though, your power is yours to take back. To recover. To reclaim and deny another access. To use in service to yourself and those you choose, for your own reasons, because it makes you happy and fulfilled.

Poly is NOT Equality (Poly Is Not, Part VII)

Poly is not about equality. Never will it be about equality for me. There is no way someone I met three weeks ago will get equal treatment to those I've had in my life for years, no matter the NRE.

It's a silly thought to me:

I know! I'll suddenly open a joint bank account with this new partner, just because the other partner has one...

No. Just no.

Not gonna happen.

I've had my Pet three years. He has earned so many things from me in that time that no one has ever gotten from me before.

Does that mean if I start dating you that you will get the same?


You will get the same chance, though.

This is equity.

EQUALITY is treating everyone the same.

EQUITY is giving everyone the tools they need to be successful.

Giving everyone a fair chance to become more, to grow more, to create a deeper relationship—whatever that relationship is with them.

This is what poly is about to me.

He's My Pet, My Slut, My Beast.

But what do you call your partners? I mean, boyfriend and girlfriend sound so... junior high, and very gendered. Lover can be good, but for me it both adds something and leave something out.

And people are usually more than just their roles, to me.

Labels also tend to carry with them a lot of cultural assumptions about the nature, scope, and future trajectory of those relationships. Assumptions that may or may not apply, and make it too easy for those in the relationships fall in to treating the dynamic as what it "should be", instead of letting it be what it is.

So, I've been recording a list of a few terms I've run across hat I like, or at least find fascinating:

datefriend or datemate

Just dating, not too serious. Makes the point. Easy to say and use, and people understand almost immediately.


Like boyfriend or girlfriend, but non-gendered. enby = NB = Non-Binary.

nesting partner

Instead of "primary." The person you live with, have children with. Does not suggest a caste of better-than or less-than.


A simple, universally understood term, but some female-identifying people take offense, because it's been used as a slur.


Another word for a person who is expected to be at the core of your life. Does not necessarily focus on marriage, or even co-habitation. Does not have to even be romantic.

intimate (n.)

Can be sexual or non. Does not necessarily refer to gender. May seem a bit too suggestive for some tastes in mixed company.


Another word for primary in a multiple partner situation that does not imply hierarchy.

oso or other significant other

A reference to other poly partners. May be used singly or for multiples: other significant others. Suggests a depth of connection.

What are your favorite words/ roles to describe your relationships and partners to others?

On Apologies & Accusations

In another writing, a link was posted to this article:

Anatomy of an Apology

Which, is a very clear and complete guide to apologizing to someone.

In my view, it's got pieces that can be used or not, depending on how intimate your relationship is.

For example, I think all apologies should include:

  • Sincerity (Keep It Real)
  • Acknowledgment (Express Remorse)
  • Understanding (Recognize Impact)
  • Resolution to Change (Internally)

Apologies do not, in my opinion always need to include an explanation of your resolve to change, as suggested in the article.

Why would I say that? Well, frankly, because most people that you apologize to have no need to understand your change process, especially casual acquaintances or stranger.

Also, your change resolution may be "to change," but how that change comes about may be days, weeks, even years in the making. Unless these people are in your life, well, there's no need to explain that to them.

Make a sincere apology, and let it go.

And the last bit, Reconciliation, or asking for forgiveness. I've got mixed feelings about this, and in discussions with others, they do, too.

Use this at your peril. Some people actually find it kind of creepy and pushy, since offering a sincere apology is already, according to many, a clear request for forgiveness, and a peace offering.

But where do accusations come into play, here? Are you really going to tell me there is a way to accuse others?


I am.

And not because 'arm-waving-yur-doin-it-rong!' But because when you are interacting with other people, especially people you care about, or discussing topics you care about, some ways of making a transgression clear are going to communicate better than others.

You'll make more of a connection.

Your point will be heard better and understood better, and...

You'll be more likely to get an apology.

*If that's what you want, of course."

If you want change, well, say so. Or whatever.

Examples of ineffective accusations:

  • You're such an asshole.
  • That's wrong.
  • That's offensive.

Why am I saying these are ineffective? Because they do not provide enough information to the accused party, and because they put people on the defensive.

I know, if I'm accused, I should not be on the defensive. You shouldn't, either. And I'm sure we both do our best not to be, and yet... being called names can make it really tough to opening ourselves up to the thoughts and ideas of others, yeh?

So, how can we accuse better?

Let's take a look at an accusation posted on the same writing above:

I understand you're upset, but do you really need to make light of self mutilation? Suicide attempts/self mutilation is something I've dealt with a lot in my personal life and it really hurts me then people use it as a joke.

(Thank you, @Shove-It for an excellent example!)

1. She recognized that the person she was accusing was in a potentially emotional state:

I understand you're upset,

2. She was very clear on what was done wrong, in her eyes:

do you really need to make light of self mutilation?

3. She made it very clear how she was affected/hurt:

Suicide attempts/self mutilation is something I've dealt with a lot in my personal life and it really hurts me then people use it as a joke.

She was upset as well, and hurting, and took the time to treat the other person with respect and care.

A very good response to hurt that does not spread the hurt, but insteads takes ownership of it and what it meant to her, and allowed the other party to address it or not as they saw fit.

It was a beautiful sight, inspired this post, and warmed my heart that @Shove-It is my friend.

I'd love to hear your thoughts on these ideas about apologies and accusations, for and against.

Behavior Modification: When Letting Others Be Themselves Is Freedom, Exercise 8

Today's writing is about changing ourselves, our behavior and how we react (rather than respond) to others in negative places.

One of the greatest negative cycles in and out of personal relationships is the cycle of trying to control those around us, especially those we love.

It's a familiar pattern, and a destructive one, that is worth the ongoing process of rooting out.

1. Partner has a negative thought.

2. Partner has a negative feeling associated with that thought.

3. Partner reacts to the thought with undesireable behavior.

4. You experience the undesireable behavior.

With strangers, this is where you typically come in. You don't see their thoughts or feelings. You simply see the results.

This does not change the process.

5. You add your own negative thoughts and meanings

You also now remember other bad things that you have experienced, with your partner or with others, related. You remember negative things you have thought or heard.

6. You experience negative emotions and confusion and uncertainty.

Your thoughts about your relationship are affected. Your self-image may be affected.

You try to change them, you try to show them why their feelings are not valid, or their thoughts are not correct. And you invalidate them.

You may say hurtful things from this state that you wouldn't otherwise, in defense of your own wounds.

So, how do we break this cycle for the good of ourselves and for others?

Let's start by focusing on Step 5.

Say to yourself, "I realize that their thoughts are their thoughts. Their feeling are their feelings.

"If I had their same background and upbringing I very well could have those same thoughts and feelings.

"I choose to love and accept them even when they experience those negative thoughts and feelings, and I choose to emanate from my being love, compassion, strength, and acceptance; to be the person/friend/lover that I know in my heart that I am during those times."

This will automatically give you a much better step 6. It will totally change step 6 for you, in fact. Your thoughts will be focused outward, on others, giving them your compassion, rather than turning inwards, and bullying yourself.

When this becomes a habit, you will be free.

Free from the knee jerk emotional reactions, confusion, self-doubt and othe negative feelings that are enslaving you.

Free to love people for who they are, and communicate with them from a position of love and compassion.

Free to reclaim your personal power.

Now, I'm not saying you are not already personally powerful. I'm saying that until you gain control of your own reactions of trying to control and mold other's thoughts and feelings, you unconsciously give up your personal power in those situations.

We all do this. This is why we should all keep striving to learn and grow, and why none of use are ever 'done.'

Once you have broken the cycle, choose.

The path outlined above is a box, built of confusion and negativity, designed to limit your choices.

Breaking free gives you freedom of choice. You can make decisions from a position of strength and love and true desire for your life and what you really want to do for your best self:

  • Make a personal change.
  • Reassure someone.
  • Challenge their thinking with compassion.
  • Engage in a discussion to understand them more deeply.
  • Choose to disengage/not respond.
  • Choose to not have them in your life.

Another thing that this freedom allows is to focus.

Especially in relationships, interactions are better when you focus on the other person's inherent goodness.

It's too easy when in a row to focus on everything that is bad and negative and annoying and cranky and just plain wrong about them.

But that just makes things worse for you both.

If it's a partner you're engaging, focus on why they are your chosen partner to begin with. You will see that person in their personal struggle, and it will fuel your love and compassion.

If it's a friend, think of why you're friends.

If you don't know the person at all, giving them the benefit of the doubt hurts them less, and removes the pain (or much of it) from you as well.


Practice this in the past, present, and future.


Look over conversations (with partners, with strangers, online or off) that have vexed you in the past. Replay them, stopping at step 5 to change your thought processes. Go back over the way you reacted, and imagine how you would have reacted differently, if you'd freed yourself then.

Feel good about how you have learned.


This is important. Feel really good, knowing you are learning something amazing for yourself, and you are freeing yourself and giving yourself the tools and know-how to make others feel better, too.


Imagine having conversations similar to those in your past. Imagine freeing yourself and how you will be able to respond to those as they come up in your life.

Feel good about it.


When the negative cycle begins, pause for a moment to free yourself. You may be deep into the argument by then, but still take the time to breathe and disengage from the negativity.

It's not too late. It may be later than you would have hoped, but it's earlier than if you'd put in no effort at all.

And feel good about it. Pat yourself on the back. And look forward to doing better next time.

Feeling good is important.

I'll say it again: Feeling good is important. This is your personal self-praise.This is how you change your own behavior.

So feel mad good. Silly good. Goofy good. Like 14-orgasms-without-attendant-oversensitivity-good. Allow yourself to feel downright giddy for doing a good thing.

Because it is a damned awesome thing.

Going to try it? Have tried it, or something similar?

I'd love to hear your experiences.

You Don't Know Me

You can take any mistake I make, and extrapolate out that I am the absolute worst person in the world.

You can decide I am unsafe.

You can determine that I am a predator.

You can tell me I'm everything that's wrong with the community today.

You can do whatever you want. with the image of me you have in your head.

And once you do any of those things (or make one of a million plus more assumptions about who I am as a person), and interact with me based on that assumption, you don't know me.

And frankly, you probably never will. Because you have decided already.

And I'm OK with that.

I will continue to treat you with respect, even when you don't give it. I will apologize even while you yell. I will speak with you about your concerns when you have things to say. I will attempt to reach an understanding, even it's agree-to-disagree. And I will calmly state my boundaries when I can take no more.

And if you want to know who I am, well, then, step inside my message box, invite me out for tea, ask the people I spend time with for insight into my character, look at my history of writing and posting and policy-making and just plain giving a shit about people that I know and have never met before.

Or don't, because hey, you don't know me, and obviously, you don't want to.

Yes, You Are The Problem!

When yet another relationship ends in disappointment, it's easy to point fingers and blame others.

You think "If only they would..." or "Why can't they just..."

You tell yourself you haven't met the "right person" yet. The truth is that you haven't been the right person, yet.

Until you change how you create and maintain relationships, you'll keep repeating the same patterns over and over again.

None of your relationship problems are caused by the other person.

Not one.

As long as you keep putting the blame on others, you'll keep struggling in love.

Any pattern you see in your life, any fight you have again and again, any jerk you date over and over, any fear or problem or disappointment, all of these things start with YOU.

They come from your own fears, insecurities, beliefs and emotions that are running your life and behaviors without your conscious understanding.

Until you learn how to spot those behaviors, and turn them from unconscious habits into conscious choices, you cannot make a permanent change.

They won't let you. They'll pop up again and again. In the guise of a deadbeat partner, an unrepentant liar, or a manipulative schemer. They'll show up when you get angry about unemptied dishwashers and unwashed children, instead of the real problems facing you.

They will run your life... until you refuse to let them.

And that's the good news.

Because being the problem can be daunting and depressing. It's easy to beat yourself up, and feel like there is no hope, or that you just aren't worth it.

You are the problem AND the solution.

But being the problem also means that you are the solution. You have control over who you are and how you choose to treat the people around you.

That is power.

Audio File:


You have a text from me.

Read it. FEEL it resonate inside you.

Don't just let it slip by, another piece of pixel media on a busy day.

Take a moment to yourself, to follow me. Follow my mind in the tip-toe dance of teasing down paths of fantasy.

Take a deep breath, and plunge in after me for the time it takes to feel my words, to live my passion.

Yes, you'll have to emerge. Your day will take you over again, until you hear my siren's call, and feel your phone vibrate. An invitation to a private rendezvous.

You and I.

Mind to mind.

Building our ideas. One upon the other.

Take my hand and follow me as I lead you. As I lead your mind, your heart, your love, and your passion to a new place.

A sexy place.

A loving place.

A you and me place.

Ah. Your average day intrudes again. Travel and work and meetings and the minutiae that piles up. Until another notification sends your heart racing, and your hands grasping for your phone.

This time, it's a reminder. Only one short hour, until.

Follow me while I give you pleasure. Follow me while I give you pain. Follow me while I give you love.

Follow me while I give you pieces of myself, and take pieces of you, making both of us stronger. More. Greater than the sum of our parts.

Follow me, my lover, my sweet, my dear one.

Follow me, follow me, out of the vanilla.

Don't Settle.

I responded to a group post, and recommended that a man prepare to leave his wife.

This is so unlike me. I believe that only an individual can make that decision, because only the individual in the relationship can know what has happened (from their perspective), how it makes them feel, and so on.

But to everyone reading this who have ever been in the mental tug-of-war that is breaking up or staying, I have this piece of advice:

Don't settle.

You. Don't settle.

You. Don't settle, either.

Don't settle for something that doesn't make you feel happy and fulfilled. Don't settle with someone who does not love all of you, all of your bits, parts and flaws, or worse, even makes you feel bad about being the person you are.

Settling will wear you down. Tire you out. It will drain you. It will weaken you, making you susceptible to illness of the body and mind. It will make you irritable and wistful. It will affect your love, your friendships, your family, your work...

So, do you have to break up?

No. But you do have to change.

Change could mean a separation, to disentangle yourselves, and find out what you really want.

Change could mean changing who you are and how you perceive the world.

Change could mean getting counselling with your partner and learning how to

Change could mean having those conversations that seem hard, maybe impossible.

Change is not easy. However, it is worth it. Even if you break up, you will have learned more about yourself and your partner and what you want than if you simply settle until things dies (or don't).

And you are worth being loved. As deeply as you need. And your partner does as well.

So, no matter where you are right now in your life and your love, please, remember this, for the good of yourself and everyone around you:

Don't settle.

The Day I Realized I Wasn't Fat, And Actually Felt Wistful...

When I was 19, I was curvy. Maybe a size smaller than I am now.

I didn't want to be curvy, damnit. I wanted to be svelte. And taller. MUCH taller. Well, at least two inches taller. Three would be ideal.

I felt fat.

Not that it mattered much. I was VERY into brains and business and thinky things.

But, in high school I'd been called thunder thighs, even when I ran cross-country, and I thought often on how nice it would be to be beautiful and skinny and wanted by everyone.

So, a friend of mine who was about a size 16, and constantly felt undervalued and overfat, found out about these parties for curvy girls. They were held near her place, and really hot guys went there, so we figured we would, too.

We got our tickets ahead of time, and went, excited to FINALLY meet men who enjoyed curvy girls.

When we walked in, it was mostly men. Apparently, the regular women tended to arrive a bit later, expecting the men to be ready and waiting... And they were.

We were in heaven! The men were gorgeous! White men, black men, tall, built, smiling, anticipatory...

And they had absolutely no interest in us. None, zero, zich, zip. Nada.

And we soon discovered why.

Curvy Girl Parties were for MUCH curvier girls. Within an hour, we were the smallest women in the room by far. By at least 100 pounds.

And sitting alone.

By ourselves.

While EVERY other woman was dancing and being wooed.

And I realized I was not fat. Far from it. In some people's eyes, I was not even curvy. I was too skinny for their tastes.

And I wished, for a while that I was bigger. So that I would get that attention. So that I would be loved.

That was the first time I really understood that there is someone for everyone.

Someone hot, loving, attentive, sexy and funny for everyone.

Because everyone's preferences are different.

And that's a good thing.

Are People Worth More Than Words? A Thought-Bomb For Word Geeks.

A few days ago, I wrote, The Word "Training" Gives Me A Lady Boner

, and someone I don't know well, but who I have enjoyed talking to expressed a discomfort with the term 'lady boner.'

Another person also expressed something... although I'm not sure what, because I didn't understand their words. Perhaps it was the same thing.

They said they didn't fully understand my use of the phrase 'lady boner," and said it's because they are a trans woman, so my response was to explain what I mean, and asked:

I guess if I have a hard clit, or a hard strap-on, or just a highly aroused mind, does that make your understanding less/different, because of varied physical parts?

I did not get a response. Perhaps I came off as an asshole. But then, Fet notifications of comments other than on my own stuff seems to suck pustulent donkey balls, so it's entirely possible the comment went unnoticed.

But, it was pointed out by my acquaintance that if I say it as a cis-woman, it's seen as cute, or funny, or harmless. If a trans-woman were to say the same thing, they might be shamed for speaking of their "boner," because of different viewpoints on biological bits.

And I respect that.

And I don't want to hurt my friends or people I don't know well but like what I know, or people I don't know at all, really.

On the other hand, I love words.

LOTS of words. I'm passionate about them. Odd words, funny words, interesting and obscure words. Words and their discussion have often launched relationships and friendships for me.

Words (to me) are tools for communication, and as such, hold only the meaning/intent people assign them, yes?

I love creative use of words. I love growing my vocabulary, and find "le mot juste" for whatever I'm trying to say.

And I HATE trying to erase or demonize words.

This is me.

So, where do I/can I draw the line? Where do you draw the line? Do you give up every word or phrase that may upset people? Are you the other extreme, and you tell everyone to grow a thicker skin?

Some examples that spring to mind:


not generous; stingy. Not related to the racist word it sounds like at all. However, that did not stop many racial-related controversies


porch monkeys

Where I grew up in Iowa, this referred to children. Of any race. Not children of a particular color, or generalized people of any color. It was said (as I remember it) with a sort of exasperated fondness. I've always found it to be an amusing way to describe the games children play when they are not allowed to leave the yard, and the porch becomes a sort of makeshift jungle gym.


Sure, I grew up with this meaning homosexual, but in my world, it was never a 'bad' word, and I learned it from the gayest (in both the homosexual and happiest senses) I know. Just the other night, someone said, "that is so gay," referring to cucumber mint water and we paused... then we all realized that she was attributing GOOD qualities to the subject, by saying it was more sophisticated and fun than non-gay water.


Of course, this is close to home... It used to mean both intercourse and a woman you'd like to "nookie" with, hunce my nickname.

It's recently also begun to be used to refer to ladyparts, which has offended some people in the kink community who see/hear my name... like I am a woman calling myself vagina in an attempt to exclude others.

So, again, I ask, because I'd really like to know:

Where do I/can I draw the line? Where do you draw the line? Do you give up every word or phrase that may upset people? Are you the other extreme, and you tell everyone to grow a thicker skin?

I'm trying to find my way here, and I seriously welcome discourse.

I'll Take 3. I'll Take 13. I'll Take 130, Even!

I read this post a few days ago:

Did you know most people believe 3 to 13 minutes of intercourse is acceptable?

And with that title, it begins:

An article like this makes it painfully obvious that masculine people are not getting the sexual instruction they need to train their feminine partners to reach new sexual heights.

And continues later with:

I'm currently working on another course that helps put the proverbial child to sleep who thinks 3 to 13 minutes of intercourse is acceptable while awakening the sexually aware masculine being inside.

Well, let me just say:

I think 3-13 minutes of intercourse is acceptable.

In fact, sometimes, it's perfect.

Not all the time, of course.

Sometimes, I'd like 130 minutes of intercourse, please.




Aggressive intercourse.

Delicious, amazing, make-my-cunt-sore-for-days, stretch it, wear it out fucking.

Here's the secret:

The longer/better the OTHER stuff (what most people call foreplay, and I call sexy times), the less the fucking HAS to make up for it.

After a few hours of oral (both ways) edging him to near cumming like 7 times, being brought to orgasm 30+ times and ways, 3 minutes is just fine, thank you.

I'll probably get three amazing orgasms out of it, and be very, very happy.

So, rather than minutes of intercourse, I prefer to count orgasms.

3 orgasms from intercourse are good.

13 orgasms from intercourse are awesome.

130 orgasms from intercourse are fucking fantastic...

But also a bit exhausting, and probably shouldn't follow 50+ orgasms for foreplay, or I'm out like a light for the next 36 hours, and wake up ravenous and ready to eat the 7 items I find closest to me, including people and pets.

So, I don't measure his masculinity by how long he can fuck.

I measure it by how much pleasure he can give me when we have sex, with his mouth, his hands, his body, his cock, his mind, his heart, his soul... and whatever toys we have on hand.

But then, perhaps I'm wrong, somehow. Maybe I need someone to show me the error of my ways.

Until then, I'll enjoy my 3, 13, or 130 orgasm intercourse as best I can...

My primary kink is behavior modification. It's a real thing for me. I love it.

In fact, if it weren't for the mental part of all this kinky/BDSM stuff, I probably would have left it behind years ago.

Because playing in peoples' head is what really gets me off.

And nothing, I mean NOTHING, gets me off more than training. Than molding someone to do new things, to be mine, to be more than they were before.

However, I do have a few limits. Important ones.

1. I never train (consciously, at least) without consent. I am very direct and conscientious of those I do not own/have consent from in this. Since I only own one, this is pretty much everyone, ever.

2. I would never choose to train someone who was not (in my eyes) an amazing, wonderful, spectacular, better-than-average-bordering-on-fucking-exemplary all-around person to begin with.

The writing that sparks this post says:

Seriously, where are the PEOPLE? Where is the relationship? Where are the feelings? The reciprocity? What is so threatening about a sub with a clue?

I require PEOPLE to train. I require relationships. I require that any/all subs applying have more than just one clue, but a crap-ton of clues, that they use to vet me as carefully or more carefully than I vet them.

Because I want to play, knowing they are strong enough to consent, that they have thought through their desires and decisions, and that they will not regret the decisions they made with and for me.

Because training, when done right, is a collaboration between partners. A deep intimacy. An opening and growing and loving interaction.

And all of that turns me on.

And so does a submissive knowing how to please ME.

Woo Me, Princess.

Do you want me to boss you around? Tell you what to do?

Well, then, woo me, princess. Show me all the amazing things you can do for me. Make me crave your service.

You want me to wear leather and spike heels? To whip you and paddle you like the naughty boy/girl you are?

Well, then, woo me, princess. Offer me that energy from your heart, without abandon. Give me a taste of what's in store.

You want me to control your orgasms, tell you when to cum, and tell you when to hold out?

Well, then, woo me, princess. Treat your cock with honor and respect, so that I may respect it as well. So that I may want it, and believe it is worth owning.

Would you like me to cuckold you with other men? To tell you about it and rub it in your face?

Well, then, woo me, princess. Endear me to you, so that I want to share my adventures. Be happy for the life I live, and enjoy it with me, celebrate my freedom and sexuality.

Would you like me to humiliate you and dig deep into your psyche? To play with your fears and your desires and make you beg and grovel for me?

Well, then, woo me, princess. Show me that your mind is strong, agile, full of fathomless depths, just waiting for me to explore and exploit.

Do you want me to dominate you? To be your lover? To be your guide? To show you the amazing world of kink and all that it has to offer? To open doors for you?

Well, then, woo me, princess.

Woo me, because I don't do all these nasty, depraved, amazing, fun, sexy things with just anyone.

I do them with people I like, people I love.

I do them with affection and with love. I do them with a smile on my face and joy singing through my heart.

Poly is NOT About Jealousy (Poly Is Not, Part VI)

Of course there is jealousy in poly. To suggest that there is not is the height of naivete, in my opinion.

However, poly, to me, is not about jealousy, per se. As my friend Pepper_Pots

puts it:

The challenge of poly is there's no good way to go about communicating "you are making a grave error." Without it being seen as jealousy.

Which is exactly the wrong way to do poly, in my view.

I mean, if you're going to 'do poly,' shouldn't you be choosing good poly partners? And I'm guessing you are choosing good partners, or you have bigger problems than poly...

Actually, that's and idea for another writing: Poly is NOT having a crap ton of bad partners, trying to fill in the gaps. That's a long title. Hmmm.

But, I digress.

Anyway, you've chosen your partner(s) because they are fucking amazing, right?

So, when they say, "Oh, that one, he gives me the creeps," or "Ummm, I really don't feel comfortable opening our lives to her," why would your first thought be that your partner is just being jealous?

I'm not saying they are not jealous. They may be.

However, the poly people I know work very hard to separate whatever jealousy they have from other feelings, like those gut feelings of 'this person is not ok.'

They wrangle it over and over in their minds, trying to remove any untoward bias. They ask themselves if they don't have ulterior motives. They fret over saying anything at all, and often try to hold out as long as possible, for fear of being wrong, or feeling like they are trying to take away your happiness.

They go through all of this, and finally say something to you, trying to be a good, communicative poly partner.

And you immediately think they are just being jealous.

No bueno.

After all, you are poly together, right? You've chosen each other for good reasons. You trust your partner(s) in so much.

Why not trust that while they may or may not be jealous, that they have something important to communicate to you, and take that communication, and thank them, and really think on it.

After all (I know I'm beating a dead horse, here), you TRUST THEM, right? With a lot.

Do you suddenly not trust them, because you have a boner for a new person?

FYI: boner also applies to lady boners... this s not a sexist thing in my world.

Or do you just not want to hear the bad stuff while you are enjoying the blissful ignorance of NRE?

Because you're not in poly together for the jealousy, right? You're in it for the love, the freedom, the sharing, the joy, the fun, the communication...

Poly is NOT About Rules (Poly Is Not, Part V)

I followed a friend to a poly discussion, and read the OP without responding, since I am not a part of the group, and one line struck me:

There tend to be issues with time mgmnt, jealousy, rules- who makes them and follows them.

I'm poly, and recently I've been having discussions about this with my partners, and the word rules has come up.

a set of explicit or understood regulations or principles governing conduct within a particular activity or sphere.

So, from this perspective, I don't see poly as being about rules, unless it is also combined with D/s, or another power exchange dynamic.

I'm a dominant (in case you don't know), and still my poly is not about rules, except in the cases where rules have been requested, and then set... and even then, I'd call them agreements.

harmony or accordance in opinion or feeling; a position or result of agreeing.

For me, the WHOLE POINT of poly is that I am making a choice. A choice to spend time with someone, to love someone, to give them parts of me and my life, and to do things with them (and to them) that make us both happy.

Sure, I have what I call my non-compromisables.

For example, I thrive on desire.

Now, that, in and of itself can't be a rule, right?

"Desire me!"

Lame. Not happening.

However, if someone does desire me, in any relationship, it's important that I FEEL that desire.

Now, let's say that they disappear from text conversation for days at a time, then reappear.

I might say something like, "Hey, I really don't dig it when I don't hear back from you for days. I don't feel desired."

I'm not making a rule. I'm stating my position, and letting my partner decide how to handle it/respond.

They may simply decide I'm too much work (I am A LOT of work, I admit), and step out. They may decide to do more, and make me happy. They may decide to do more and fail.

But it's not about rules. For example, I can't see anything like these working:

  • You must tell me you desire me three times daily.
  • You must respond to every text within one hour between 6am and 11pm.
  • You must use the words ____, ____, and ____ to show your desire.
  • And so on.

Those are rules.

However, what usually happens is something more like this:

Partner: "I'll do better." (in response to above desire conversation)

Me: "YAY! How about we give it a week or two, and I'll let you know when things are really working, or if things fall off, and we'll discuss it again, to see if it's working for both of us then?"

Partner: "Ok!"

It's an agreement. No one is demanding. No one is enforcing. It's two people working together to create/determine compatibility.

Even as a dominant, I cannot command compatibility. I want my partners to want me and what I want. If they do not, we are not compatible, no hard feelings.

I personally believe that's the key to poly:

Loving and accepting your partners for who they are and where they fit in your life without trying to change them, and accepting when they won't be more than that, or trying to make them less than that.

Poly isn't about rules, because rules don't make incompatible people compatible. It just makes them miserable.

Are You Really Intimate, Or Are You Just Still Together?

Is that even a valid question? Is there really a difference between intimacy and long-term?

To me, there is a difference, and there is no direct correlation between relationship time and intimacy.

This is the main reason two people living together for ten years can barely know each other, and two people who met a week ago can discover things about each other that their spouses don't know.

Oh, sure, they know that their partner prefers dipping their fries in brown gravy instead of eating mashed potatoes with their meatloaf. I mean, after ten years, you pick up that kind of mental detritus.

But they don't KNOW each other anymore.

If they ever did.

Long term romance is simply staying together.

It MAY mean growing together and trying new things, but it may not.

It may also mean getting complacent, stagnating, and even regressing, while hurting each other in hundreds of small ways every day.

Intimacy is getting to know each other better, every day.

Learning the ins and outs now and in the future, as things change. It's become better aware of each other, and accepting of each others' faults and loving each other for them. Finding new ways to love each other and show that love for each other every day.

Intimacy is sex and love and romance. It is sometimes consistency and habit, and it is sometimes exciting and surprising and entirely new.

Because it's about learning each other, now and 1, 3, 5, 10, 20 years from now.

Even when you think you know each other, it's about making sure, and having the amazing discussions and voicing your big ideas. It's about listening when your partner voices their big ideas and opinions, too.

Because you want to know, not just because they won't shut up until you do.

Intimacy is constantly learning each others' minds, not just your bodies, not just your hearts.

Behavior Modification: Negative Attention is Attention, Exercise 6

I'm sure you've heard the saying that the opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference, right?

(If not, you've heard it now, LOL!)

Well, in behavior modification, the opposite of positive attention (pets, smiles, love) is not negative attention (fighting, beating, yelling), it's no attention.



Pretending they don't exist or didn't just do that thing.

Ask a self-identified brat what the hate most from their dominant, and many (most, dare I say?) will tell you it's being ignored.

Lack of attention.

And this is not just in the kink world. Kids do this all the time. Want Mama's attention? Act up! Sure, she'll be mad, but that 's better than being ignored.

Puppies and dogs do it. With their human pack and with each other.

Attention is a powerful thing.


Because even negative attention means you care.

You care enough to try to correct the behavior. You care enough to fight about it. To yell about it.

And yet... when this becomes a pattern, it reinforces negative behavior, which you don't want.


One of my favorite examples was a sub who was serving me, who was a self-identified brat.

He'd said he would drive me to a teaching event, and so needed to be at my home to pick me up by 7:00am, and it was at least a 30-minute drive.

At 5:50am, I sent him a text, asking if he was getting ready.

His response was crabbing about how he had planned to sleep until 6, he was so tired, he needed more sleep... and jokingly said, "How about you go on, and I'll see you next week?"

My response? "Ok."

The shock came through with his next text.

"Wait. What?"

"Ok. You said you wanted to serve. Now, you don't want to serve. So, you won't serve. I'll see you next week."

You see, he was used to bratting, and getting threats to beat his ass, attention in the form of angry or exasperated words...

I simply said Ok, and went on with my getting ready.

Later, he told me how terrified it made him to not get the attention he was so used to, and he scrambled quickly to make it right:

"I'll be there 10 minutes before 7."

"Thank you."


Look over patterns in your relationships and find times when your negative attention has reinforced behavior in your partners and other loved ones, even your pets.

Look at the patterns you've developed with people in your life, and think on how you might be able to change those with a bit more thought to how you use your attention.

Willing to share examples of your own?

Why Do I Have To Hate You To Fuck You Like That?

I've seen a few references to "Fuck me like you hate me" recently, and it had me a bit confused.

I looked it up on Urban Dictionary, and found:

The act of fucking a person that you despise. Such an act is typically characterized by name calling, roughness, and immediate departure after the act.

Ok. So, I get it.

But I wouldn't fuck someone I hate.


I would fuck someone I love roughly and call them names, degrade them, bite them, hurt them, control them, and even, sometimes leave immediately after.

In fact, I would ONLY fuck someone I love that way, because I know how much they crave it and need it from me and that kind of power trip gets me off when I'm really, really into someone.

Like really, really.

Like I gotta love the everlasting shit out of them to take them hard and brutal, and leave marks on their body and soul that will last for days.

So, instead of a hate fuck, I'mma just call it making love, k?

Where Is The Love?

I read this post on Fetlife yesterday

and was was inspired to respond.

I get it. Sometimes we have something deep to say or to share and people pay little to no attention.

Hell, I've posted some amazing photos and writings about my Pet and my relationship with him that like 2 people comment on.

To me, these real glimpses into love and life are worth at least as much thought as the more universal truths that get so many loves. They show who we are as people. As lovers. As kinksters.

They show our facets, and what makes us a part of the amazing patchwork of people and interests that make up this world of kink.

And yet...

People respond to what they respond to.

Sure, some of it is inane and shallow. Hell, I'm guilty, a lot of the time.

But not all of it is. It just sometimes SEEMS that way from the outside.

But someone is responds to a photo or writing because of how they feel on the inside. They are reading and loving or commenting based on their own individual personal experiences, and those lens that shape their view of the world.

And seeing it that way, for me, makes all the difference.

Humans love what they love.

I'm just glad they are finding that spark of connectedness with others, even when it's not always with me.

How NOT To Compliment Online...

Your hips are amazing. I live your hourglass figure. You should post more pics of those beautiful curves. Ok?

Note the two compliments front loaded in this message, then the gigantic FAIL of then telling me what I should do to please him.

There are many variations on this theme sprinkled online.

  • You are really beautiful. I love your lips. I'd love to see them wrapped around my cock.
  • I love your profile, and think you are an amazing woman, smart and beautiful. I want to watch you stripped naked and fucked in every hole you have.
  • Hello, you are pretty. I would like to have cybersex with you.
  • Such a beautiful pussy, I'd love to bury my face in that.

Of course, these are paraphrased, and cleaned up for grammar and readability.

How to compliment online.

Just give a compliment and leave it at that.

It's simple. It doesn't need to include an addendum of your personal desires, needs, or inadequacies.

It doesn't require you to have expectations.

Actually, that's how you give a compliment anywhere.

Non-Consent Shields Activated!

I'm a pretty open person. My friends are pretty open people as well. This past weekend, I had several conversations on a mild form of non-consent, the hard pitch.

This is when you enter into a scenario—maybe it's a conversation, maybe a negotiation, maybe a relationship—and whenever you show hesitation, a hard sell is made on the goodness and rightness of the other person's feelings and beliefs, and why YOU SHOULD, TOO.

For example:


That's a beautiful outfit (said of the girl in fetish gear who just walked by).


Do you like to dress up (I'm wearing a lovely skirt and tank top, comfortable and sexy, but totally vanilla).


Oh yes! I enjoying playing dress up. I even have this black wig that I wear, and I do my full makeup. I can look quite intimidating.


Oh! I bet you are scary. shiver of excitement


Yeah. laughing For about five minutes, then I giggle, and I'm just me in costume.


No! You must stay in character (Vehement, practically shouted)!


confused No, I don't. I'm the Dom. I like to laugh.


launches into long thing about why I should dress up and wear heels and makeup and such...

Non-Consent Shields Activated!

This man has just written his ticket out of my personal space.

I'm open to playing dress up, as is evidenced by my photos. I'll do it for parties, I'll do it for fun, I'll do it for scenes, I'll do it for sexy times.

I will not, under any circumstances, do it when someone is pressuring me.

And so far, most of my friends agree.

We love sex.

Will NOT do it when pressured.

We love kinky stuff.

Will NOT do it when pressured.

We love ___insert whatever here ___.

Will NOT do it when pressured.

Because as SOON as you pressure us, you've just made it clear that our limits are far less important to you than your desires.

And that, we don't consent to.

How To Avoid The Crazies In Kink—A Practical Guide

In the past couple of days, I've had several people make similar remarks:

The women I have most often met in the lifestyle so far have psych disorders and diagnoses.
Dont you think those people need therapy? (sic - referring to people who enjoy BDSM without including sex in it)
All I'm looking for is a sane, single, dominant woman to do perverted things to me.

I find it fascinating that even those in the lifestyle themselves are making comments like this.

Because the crazy they are most often speaking of is behavioral, rather than clinical.

According to studies, BDSM practitioners are actually LESS likely to suffer from many mental disorders than the general populace.

BDSM Correlated With Better Mental Health, Says Study

Andreas Wismeijer, a psychologist at Nyenrode Business University in the Netherlands and the lead author on the study, told LiveScience that people involved in the BDSM community may have scored better on these surveys because they tend to be more aware of and communicative about their sexual desires, or because they have done some “hard psychological work” to accept and live with sexual needs that are beyond the scope of what is often considered socially acceptable to discuss in the mainstream.

So, good news! We're not crazy—clinically. Or, at least, no more crazy than the rest of the world, and possibly a lot less.

That said, there is another angle to look at.

I've often noted that BDSM is, especially in newbie space, an island of misfit toys.

And that's not meant in disparagement. After all, I'm here. And I love newbies. Meeting them, helping them learn to navigate their desires, fulfill their needs and accept themselves and others.


And that's the key.

You see, in my highly questionable opinion mixed with experience and observation, BDSM and the kink community is found by people who have not yet found their psychological safe place, or Tribe.

In other words, the people who may or may not have fit in in the junior high cafeteria (although blending skills are heightened in many deviants), but who never felt like they were truly themselves or understood.

So, they come to kink.

And those who stay find their home.

And yet, when they come in, they are often nervous, maybe even have social anxiety (never fully feeling like you fit in will do that to you), are quite probably geeky and socially awkward, maybe a bit terrified, AND they don't know the social norms and lingo of this new life.

Add to this that they may also be JUST finding the place they might fit in after a lifetime (whether they are 19 or 57 doesn't matter—never fitting in is hard at every age), and they want to do ALL THE THINGS!!!! NOW!!!!

Which is, really, kinda crazy.

And leads to crazy, adolescent, incautious behavior. Crazy, in layman's terms.

Those that stay, and learn to accept themselves, and build their tribes, and settle down into their own friendships and loving relationships and kinks, and find they can accept others for exactly who THEY are as well, well, they aren't really crazy anymore.

At least not in the ways I think people usually mean when they talk about crazy in the scene.

So, how do you avoid crazies in BDSM?

There is more than one way to de-fur a feline, as my roomie says, but here are some of the suggestions that have worked for me:

  • Treat people like adults, not like crazies. When you treat people like crazies, even sane people, you will often drive them bonkers. Don't do it. Nothing is harmed by being respectful and considerate.
  • Do your part to educate, guide and protect newbies. Help them get through frenzy and find their tribe.
  • Don't tolerate bad behavior. Mistakes are to be apologized for and moved past. Meanness is never excusable.
  • Find your Tribe. Take your time. Don't spend time and relationships on people that don't fit you. You not only have a good chance of driving them crazy, but of also allowing them to make you crazy. Wait for the right fit.
  • If someone you meet/love/play with/interact with has a diagnosed mental illness, then learn about it, learn to understand it, and you will probably find they are not as "crazy" as you might have thought.

And, finally:

Don't BE the crazy. Many times, the people I get these sorts of comments from are the ones I see as having their own issues that they are projecting onto others.

If you meet an asshole in the morning, that's bad luck, as they say. If you meet them all day, than you're the asshole.

Same goes for crazy.


Please understand, I am not making light of mental disorders. Not at all. I am pointing out that we are all human, and we are all in this together, and having a diagnosed mental condition is not the same as "acting crazy," which is what most people refer to when they talk about this.

Only The Weak Are Cruel.

"Only the weak are cruel. Gentleness can only be expected from the strong."

- Leo Buscaglia

This resonates with me. My pettiness has always come from a place of insecurity and a lack of confidence, and I see this in others, too.

We've all uttered a sharp word in a moment of anger and fear, and spewed forth words that we wish we hadn't said.

But, those who revel in others' pain, who look for things to talk negatively about, who constantly belittle others for their differences... these are the people who broadcast to me, loudly and clearly, that they are not whole. They live in fear and doubt and a paucity of love.

So, what to do?

Well, this year, I've spent a lot more time trying to offer love to those who are not very nice to me. When I feel strong, that is.

I'm still a work in progress.

I am too, REAL! *stomps foot*

*sighs* I can't help it. I'm weak.

I have a conversation with a man online, and it's not going anywhere. So, I say something like, "I have no interest in providing you wank fodder, so I'll wish you good luck. I won't respond again."

This is usually when they start hurling their insults. I read them and laugh.

They whine and beg. I smirk.

They offer money, I shake my head.


They say, "Well, you're just some dumb fake."

And my hand fly to the keyboard, typing out the indignant reply, "Sure, I am TOTES fake, after all, I own a kink venue and I travel and teach, and..."

And I stop myself in horror and back slowly away from the computer.





Even now, thinking about it, makes me twitch just a bit.


I just want to throw an online hissy fit, and say, "I am too, REAL!" and stomp my foot, and add, "I just don't like YOU."

...continued from previous post.

And, although I told him:

At this point, I will wish you the best again. If you have additional questions or valid concerns, I'll reply, because you are a worthwhile human being and deserve to learn.
However, if all you can do is tell me why it's not possible for you to put even half much effort into other people as you do into yourself, well, I won't respond.

Before the last message I got prior to writing this (and did not respond, as I said I would not), he had to say even more:

I wanted to thank you for making me realize this community is shit and I would have better luck on craigslist because it seems everyone on here is selfish and not about finding mates.
5 different ladies including yourself made it seem like im an asshole for not wanting to meet at munches and prefer 1on1 encounters.
if nobody wants to help someone learn in the next week fuck it im out
God made me special and I want special treatment because I deserve it.

I'd like to clarify something about that 'making him seem like an asshole' thing. Here's what I said about that, exactly:

You want me to drive 2 1/2 hours to come see you to see if we hit it off.
If we don't, well, that's 5+ hours of my life I'll never get back.
If we do, then I'm looking forward to driving a round trip of 5 hours every time I want to see you.
Again, I point out, I have a long-term Pet. I have lovers. And they live near me.
I also have three businesses.
I just don't have the time right now, nor the willingness to spend 5 hours on the road, no matter how pretty the face, awesome the sex, etc.
Now, others, they might be busy, too.
Or, they may prefer to meet at events because too many assholes have stood them up, or gotten rude with them at first meets. They may prefer it for safety. Or because they find it awkward to meet someone that they have no attraction to.
Another factor is this (to be completely honest): I'm a female dominant. I have men approaching me 10-15 times per day. I have my pick.
I am also used to getting my way, and men who make that happen AND have amazing looks, great bodies, wicked-smart brains, a sunny attitude, and a fucking insane sense of humor are the ones I choose... Oh, and the ones who can make an effort to see me regularly, when I'm able to make room in my schedule.
Oh, and meeting people at parties is efficient. Everyone has a good time, you get to meet a lot of people, and you get to potentially play, drink, socialize... all in one fell swoop.
If that's not for you, I get it.
But with your distance from me, and my schedule, that's how we'd meet and play most of the time.
So, you have your preferences. We have ours.
We don't knock yours. Don't knock ours.
Just keep looking.

And The Award For Most Persistent Case Of Entitlement-itis Goes To...

I wrote about entitlement about two weeks ago, and I said I give a lot of my time trying to help people in the community, because I believe it's worth it, and it's the right thing to do.

And then, as fate would have it, not a week later, EntitledPrick6969† comes along to knock me off my high horse, and kick me around with personal demands for privilege, for good measure.

† Not his real name.

This guy is not just your everyday, run of the mill entitled prick (EP), he's already got at least one rant on whiny-ness under the belt that so nattily holds up his Super-Awesome-Master-Of-The-Fucking-Universe pants.

It all started innocently enough:

Hello my name is EntitledPrick6969, how are you doing today? I really enjoyed your profile and your note really hit home with me. I would love to go out with you sometime, I am kinda new to the life and looking to meet someone I can trust.

Awesome. That's a nice introduction, if a bit heavy on the 'I want.' So, I check out his profile.

He live 2.5 hours from me, but I own a kink venue nearly at a mid point, so I suggest we meet there.

We can meet up but Im not into public play, my situation makes it where I would rather have 1 on 1 time. Does that work for you? You think __________ is a long drive? I thought you travel? My [super-cute body part—not cock] might change your mind:P


I just offered to meet this guy halfway, and then he questions my love of travel (what does a love of travel have to do with driving 5 hours round trip to meet some random dude who propositioned me off the interwebz?), and tells me hot hot he thinks he is.

Ok. I get it.

But, I figure, he's new, so I respond.

To no avail. This guy is in critical condition. The entitlement has worked it's way into every part of his life, like a cancer. It has spread it's tendrils and crushed the humanity out of him.

Over the course of a week, I was treated to the following gems:

If you arent willing to drive 2 hours why should I drive over a hour to meet you, truthfully you should want me to save my energy for sex.
I mean Im not packing a horse dick, but I know I am not hard to look at unlike a majority on this site...
I want to see if you can out Dom me, this isnt my first BDSM experience it always fun to make a supposed alpha woman beg, alot of women have tried to make me submit but its seems my testosterone is just too much.
I have [insert psychological problem here].
You don't understand [insert painful physical problems he has]
Maybe your the entitled one, maybe you should be thankful I can stand up and fuck you more than your travel time.
the fact that I look attractive than most should motivate women to meet me
but what you should know is I am a cut above the rest so I demand the same fucking level of respect.
your ignorant as fuck here is my point since your so successful, if I have [insert physical disability here] why wouldnt you want to cater to my needs?
If I live in a nice ass part of town, why the fuck would I want to drive, when I could roll down to trade and meet you for a drink
If I look better than most of the people on this site, have actually been paid to film and am about to run my own business as well.

If you don't get what you want with a nice note, OBVIOUSLY start down the list of 1. how hot you are, 2. how good you'll fuck, 3. the psychological issues you're seeing a therapist for, and... if all else fails, bring out 4. the physical limitations that will make women pity fuck you.

And, of course, when it doesn't work, insult. That's a SURE way to get people into bed... or to mend a broken ego.

So, yeah. If Fet were looking for a poster child for Entitlement Issues™, I would nominate this guy. I mean, he's a pro.

The Red Pill

When you focus on truth-telling, you are taking ownership of you. Forcing yourself to be the person you really are, without apology, without masks. You find people who love you for who you really are.

It's freeing.

Your personal truth is the red pill.

Once you've embraced it, you can see where people are floundering and not getting it, living in a world of others' design.

And it all seems so easy, even though it never was, when we had to learn.

I love my truth. And the people who love me love it as well.

The Night I Tried To Be Sexy...

He was beautiful. Strong. Charismatic. Sexy as fuck. Had been from the moment I met him.

I was me. He'd never told me I was beautiful. It didn't matter. I never valued that part of romance anyway.

He liked my brain. He liked my athleticism. He liked my business success.

He also liked tall blondes.

I am most definitely not a tall blonde. But, I thought, I could be.

I planned it for a week. I bought the lingerie. II bought the honey powder and the makeup. I bought the fine chocolate and the single malt he enjoyed. I bought candles.

bought the shoes with very high heels.

And I bought the long, blonde wig.

The night came. The candles were lit. I took a last look in the mirror and although I didn't look anything like me, I looked pretty damn good, I thought, for an awkward, brainy girl.

This would be fun!

My hopes were high. My spirit soaring. It had been a while since we'd been intimate, and a much longer time since we'd had really mind-blowing sex and laughter together.

Tonight was going to change things. I was sure of it.

It would be the start of a new life together.

I heard the front door. I could barely breathe, I was so happy.

Heard his footsteps down the hall. I smiled brilliantly as he came in the door.

He took one look at me and walked away.

For hours.

I cried myself to sleep. When he came to bed, he was careful not to touch me.

The next day, he screamed that I looked like a whore. That he couldn't believe I would ever even think of doing something like that to him. That only a slut would wear that color of red lipstick. Why would I ever imagine that he would have married such a pathetic, unlovable excuse for a woman.

My first time ever actually trying to be sexy. I was 32.

I died inside that night, when my husband—the man who claimed to love me more than anyone in the world—walked away from me with disgust on his face.

Do You Suffer From Premature Exasperation? (Thoughts On Communication, Part VIII)

We've all done it.

Clicked on a title to a writing, already jacked up, just KNOWING this idiot is going to say something just plain WRONG, and we are going to have to save the internetz by correcting them...

I've done it.

And when I read the full piece, I was strangely let down.

"Oh, damn, they agree with me. Now what am I going to do with all this self-righteous indignant ire?"

It's bad enough when this happens, because then we're left with all this crankiness that just wants to be expressed, but has no target anymore.

What's worse is when we don't even bother reading the full piece, and responding to a phrase that offends us, without even paying attention to the rest.

And you know what's even worse? When we do it in person.

To people we love.

We hear something. It hurts us. Triggers us. And all we now have on our mind is our reply. Our defense. Our thoughts. Our lashing out.

And we miss the rest of what's being said.

And we interrupt.

And we lose communication.

So, what do we do about it?

1. Online, read to the end of the piece. If you go in with a knee-jerk reaction, calm yourself, and see if the piece actually says what you think it will say.

2. In person, file your reaction in your head, and let your partner finish. All the way. And concentrate on what they are saying, not on what you want to say in reaction. Once you've listened to them, then respond.

3. Assume the best. Yes, something may trigger you. It may hurt. It may be against your personal nature, or even seem wrong. Assume the best, and offer that to your communication partner (even if it's a stranger online). Respond accordingly.

4. Ask questions when you're not sure.

Credit where credit is due:

So, two days ago, I wrote some satire about blow jobs on FetLife

. Not only was it satire, but at the end of the piece, I specifically said that I love BJs.

I sent the link to my Pet. He said, "People are going to take it wrong." I said, "Yeah, but I put in that end for those people."

It went K&P. And, of course, people took it wrong.

When I woke up the next morning, I put in a note in BIG RED LETTERS that it was satire, just to clarify further.

And yet... people still took it wrong. Because they didn't read to the end.

@HandThatControls said in a comment

on the FetLife piece:

It is rather interesting to see who read all the way to the end and who suffers from premature exasperation.

And, thus, the title of this piece.

Thank you, @HandThatControls.

Why I Don't Give Blow Jobs - A Top Ten List

There are so many reasons I don't give blow jobs. I was thinking about it this morning, and thought I'd write them out, like a top ten.

Wonder if I'll have ten.

Oh! The adventure!

10. Because Patriarchy!

Men putting their willy into women is a shining example of all that is patriarchy. So, a man shoving his boy bits into my mouth just tastes like... oppression.

9. Gag Reflex

Yeah. I have one. My first BF inadvertently got himself a Roman Shower... LOL!

8. Power

The whole patriarchy thing aside, if a man puts his little self into my mouth, then he has the upper hand, which takes power from me. Being a FemDom, I need all the power I can get (and cling desperately to), so I don't allow this.

Ditto for fucking. OMG! I can feel the power leaking out my pussy...

7. Funky (Spunky?) Taste

Let's face it, guys. Your junk produces a weird spunk... It tastes like saltwater mixed with cigarette ashes and a large dash of hopelessness. And the texture is like snot.


6. Lipstick

I don't wear a lot of makeup, but I REALLY don't like my lipstick smeared. I put a lot of effort into looking exactly this trashy and no more. Smeared lipstick ruins the effect.

5. Sore Jaw

I like being able to chew my food. A sore jaw is not conducive to my second favorite activity—eating.

4. I Don't Look Good On My Knees

Let's face it, I have a few extra pounds, and sitting on my knees makes my thighs bulge and my gut stick out. It's just not the uber-hot dominatrix look I go for. More like 50 pounds of potatoes in a 30 pound sack.

3. Hair Gags Me

I have long hair, now that my Mohawk had grown out, and there are TWO big reasons not to give a blow job with it.

Dried Cum In My Hair Is Nasty As Fuck

It's really hard to get dried cum out of my lovely locks. And with the 5-10 minutes of effort I put in on a weekly basis, I just don't want my hairdo all ruined like that.

Swallowing Hair

It never fails, a BJ always shoves at least one long strand of hair down my throat—but only partially. It'll just hang out and tickle that gag reflex I've already mentioned, making me react much like a cat coughing up a hairball.

Again, not the hot-uber-domme look I go for.

2. It's Not Fun

They don’t call it a job for nothing. Seriously, 45 minutes of the old up and down is better spent spent watching reality TV.

Oh? You think the dinner makes up for it? No, dear, that was simply to enjoy my fabulous presence.

1. It's Completely Unnecessary

Us ladies, we need the extra rev to our engines to get and keep us purring. Men, however, can stick it in pretty much anywhere and be done in a few blissful moments.

All the better for us to grab our vibes, finish ourselves off, and go watch "The Bachelorette."


Looks like I made it to ten!

Looking over these reasons, I'm thinking I need a calling card with these printed, to present upon requests of BJs or Bj-like activities.

You, know, just to be perfectly clear.

But, as I was re-reading these, patting myself on the back for a well-written and logical piece guaranteed to convince any and all men that there is no justifiable reason to request a blow job, ever, I realized one thing...

I love giving blow jobs.

Well, damn.


Where Do I Find ______ (Fill In The Blank Amazing Kinky Person)?

So, I'm out there a lot. I mean, I'm active here on Fet, on CS, on POF, on OkCupid, on CL. I got to munches. I attend events. I'm out there.

I meet a lot of people.

Amazing, crazy hot, kinky people.

And they almost all ask the inevitable question:


Oh. Wait. No, not that question. LOL! This one:

Where do I find _______?

It could be "an amazing FemDom," or "a real dominant man," "a babygirl princess," or even "someone who enjoys ageplay?"

My answer is EVERYWHERE.

We are everywhere. Truly.

You just gotta put yourself out there and trust the process.

And you're going to do a lot of work and meet a lot of people. And it's going to take time and it;s going to seem like it's all for nothing.

Until it's not.

Because meeting that ONE person or those people that you want int your life (as friends, as lovers, and soul mates, or whatever) is WORTH it.


And you'll get better at meeting people.

At talking to them online. At introducing yourself to new people at events. You'll streamline the process. You'll put in less time as you go, and get better results.

And you'll hit a tipping point.

Tipping Point: the moment of critical mass, the threshold, the boiling point


And, suddenly, you'll realize you've found what you're looking for. In your life, in your community, in your lovers.

It's easy to be tempted to give up.


Don't give up.

I know someone who's been to 3-4 local events. They were asking if I thought they were cut out for this lifestyle, if they fit in, and whether they would find what they were looking for. This is not the first time I've been asked this. Not even the first time this month.

I'll tell you what I tell people every time I hear that...

When I started coming to Raleigh events, I just showed up. I didn't make friends fast. I didn't play. I didn't meet lovers or partners, or whatever. I just showed up.

For a year.

I got a feel for things, I watched how people interacted. In that year, I made a handful of friends. Maybe 10.

The next year, I made 200 more. And I was happy. I had found my people. My friends circle.

I found my tipping point.

And another 6 months after that, I met my Pet. And that has been amazing.

All because I put myself out there, everywhere. Because I didn't give up. And because I found my people (or they found me—I love you all).

And you know what, your tipping point probably won't take a year.

After all, I was entering a community I lived 2 hours away from, which cut down on my availability. I was able to get to one or two events per month for that first year, and I counted myself lucky for it.

I was pretty damn shy and awkward. I still am, but I'm better at hiding it now.

And, frankly, since I don't play much in public, it also cut down on my interaction possibilities.

I bet you've got it WAY better than I do in at least one of those areas...

And if you don't, and you need a wingwoman... Say hello. I'll see how I can help, if I can. Because we all deserve to find our people.

So, a friend I haven’t chatted with online pops back into my FetLife inbox, and this is the conversation.

Really highlights the difference between his thinking and mine:

Him: If no one has told this to you should're pretty amazing

Well, hello stranger. How you been?

Him: well right now i'm drinking a beer and cleaning in the the house in my boxers

Me: Sounds lovely. You should be drinking a beer and cleaning MY house in your boxers, then getting some delicious food ready for when I return from fitness boot camp. *smiles*

Him: I should - I should be scrubbing your floors with my toothbrush : P

LOL! Nah. Takes to long. Do it the right way, and you'll be able to get more done. *grins*

Writing Prompt: What Makes Consent Consent?

I've been meaning to post this prompt for a while. I had my own consent violated not long ago, and I wrote about it, and I have also written in the past about how I have violated consent.

Now, there are a few things going on in the community that lead me again to think more about consent and what it means.

As I was growing up, consent was as simple as not saying, "No," assuming, of course, that I was unimpaired and able to speak.

In many places this is still the gold standard.

Not so much in kink.

The Prompt

I'm hoping to encourage you to share your stories and thoughts about consent with me, with Fet, with the world.

  • What is consent?
  • Have you ever had your consent violated?
  • Have you ever violated consent?
  • What does consent culture mean?
  • Do we give consent enough attention or too much?

Feel free to write in the comments or in your own journal and link here (so others can read it), or just think on it or write on it and keep it to yourself, if you prefer.

Here are a few links to writings of my own on consent, based on personal experiences. I have another piece in the works.

Write a sentence. Or a paragraph. Or an essay. Or whatever this is to you. Talk it out. Make it yours.

Alternatively, if you know of any writings on consent that really say what you feel, even if you didn't write them, please share. I'd love to see as many different viewpoints as possible.

I'm looking forward to reading your responses!

Do You Give Yourself Away?

Do you give your happiness, self-confidence and power away to the one you love?

Worse, do you give it away to random people?

I'm betting you have in the past. I would bet EVERYONE has at one time or another.

Hell, I do it, sometimes. It's a difficult habit to break.

“I choose to feel good if and only if my partner/my friend/this stranger behaves in the manner that I wish or that I think is right. If not, I will choose to feel bad.”

So, if my partner/my friend/this stranger does not behave the way I wish or in a way that I think is right, then I cannot be happy.

People who get angry or upset because others not doing what they want are unconsciously making these other people “responsible” for their own happiness. They are giving away their happiness and power.

So you give yourself away like this? In what circumstances? Any thoughts on what to do about it, and turn it around?

What IS The Difference Between Persuasion & Manipulation?

A good friend with many wonderful thinky skills sent me this link:…

I understand where he's coming from, and it's a well thought out piece.

I disagree.

Here are a few definitions for manipulate:

control or influence (a person or situation) cleverly, unfairly, or unscrupulously
to control or play upon by artful, unfair, or insidious means especially to one's own advantage
the skillful handling, controlling or using of something or someone

And definitions of persuade:

cause (someone) to do something through reasoning or argument
to cause (someone) to do something by asking, arguing, or giving reasons

So, to me, the main difference between manipulation and persuasion is that persuasion is specifically done using verbal communication to change thoughts or behaviors while manipulation may be verbal or nonverbal.

So, in my view, persuasion is a form of manipulation, but manipulation is not necessarily persuasion.

How do you view the differences?

Is manipulation inherently evil and/or self-serving to you (or at least uncaring), and persuasion inherently good and cooperative?

Poly is NOT A Relationship With Multiple People (Poly Is Not, Part IV)

It seems pretty evident to me. You just can't have a single relationship with two people.

That's like saying that corporations are people, and everyone knows that is ludicrous.

Let's say Person A has a relationship with Person B. It looks like this:

A <--> B

Pretty simple, right?

Poly is having multiple relationships with multiple people. Even if you are doing the whole triad thing, it's still multiple relationships.

Person A has relationships with both B and C.
B Also has a relationship with C.

In total, you get the following relationships:

A <--> B
B <--> C
C <--> A

By adding one person, you've added two relationships. The relationships Person A and Person B of the original relationship (for our discussion purposes) each have with person C.

However, for some reason, maybe because humans are naturally lazy and looking for shortcuts, we seem to think a relationship can look like this:

A+B <--> C

But it can't.

Because Person A and Person B not only come into a poly relationship with different experiences, needs and expectations, but because once in the relationship, they experience things that the other does not, interpret things in different ways, and want and need different things from Person C.

With me?

Ok, I'm going to pretend that you are, since you're still reading. smiles

So, what does this mean?

Basically, it means that communication in those relationships is then between two people.

If Person C has an issue with Person A, then they need to communicate with Person A, not with Person B, as if Person A and Person B are two halves of a whole, rather than separate human beings.

And Person A and Person B, realizing that they each will have their own relationship experience will then leave behind the expectation that they must be in lockstep mentally in regards to every single happening in their relationships with C.

In fact, they may discover that Person A simply LOVES C, while B enjoys hanging out, but would prefer not to date romantically, regardless of original intentions.

And that should be OK, right?

Because Person A and Person B are NOT ONE.

Even if they are conjoined twins.

Just for Tonight, I Am...

I am Incense
and kohl
and undulating heat.

candle light.

I am need
and I am needy
I am pleasure.

You come to me
on your knees
head bowed.


Offering silken bonds
you kiss my feet.

I am

I am reality

Passive-Aggressive Behavior KILLS Relationships

Have you ever asked someone why they are not doing something that they said they would do, and they answer (usually after so many hours of argument):
"Well, you did this, and it upset and hurt me, so I didn't feel like doing (insert whatever they said they would do)."

And you're left gobsmacked, thinking, "WTF? Why didn't you just tell me?"

This is passive-aggressive behavior.

And it kills a relationship.

Sometimes it's a quick death. Sometimes it lingers for years, wearing you both down, until there is nothing left but bitterness and recriminations.

But it kills.

Sure as shit.

And here is how it kills:

It takes FOREVER to get to the heart of what's wrong.

Sometimes, that conversation up there happens the next day. Sometimes, it happens YEARS later.

That not only means that whomever hurt the other HAS NO IDEA the damage, until WAY too late for anything to really be done about it.

Studies have shown that couples that address issues and annoyances quickly have happier relationships. Behavior can be changed much more easily when problems are pointed out early.

It creates a barrier to KNOWING each other.

When you are hiding your feelings, and acting out instead of talking about them, you are creating a distance between your true self and another.

And the BIGGEST reason: You do things you know are wrong.

You know that not doing something when you say you will is wrong. And yet, that's a big part of passive-aggressive behavior.

There's more to it than that, though.

There are the subtle things. Things that you hear about happening in many relationships.

  • Withholding sex. Because you're not "feeling it," because you're upset about something and haven't expressed it, or allowed it to heal.
  • Not saying "I love you," or "beautiful," or any of the other sweet things you normally would.
  • Not doing the small things, because as soon as you think of them, you remember you're still a bit upset, so you don't, because they don't deserve it.

And you KNOW it's right to do these in a relationship.

But you don't.

So, you not only let the big things slide, but the small things as well. Because you're busy nursing your hurt.

And that's one of the biggest ways passive-aggressive behavior kills a relationship. By making you be less you, so you cannot connect as deeply and intimately as you could otherwise.

The biggest part of passive-aggressive that is hurtful is the passive part.

Speak up. Say when you've been hurt. Talk it out. As quickly as possible.

Don't compromise your relationship. Don't compromise yourself.

My Random Thoughts On Gender: My Response

So I posted a writing prompt the other day, about gender, and here is my post, as promised:

When I was young...

I had a crush on a man. He was dating a woman who also had a girlfriend. I was 8, and he was beautiful. French Indian, maybe 11 years older than I was. Long, black hair. Loved the Beatles.

Nothing wrong with him. Not a fault I could find, from an 8 year-old's perspective.

Fast-forward 25 years, and I meet him again.

Only it's not a him. She's now Jacqueline (my mother's name), and I still love her, in a different way, as a dear friend.

It was... different. Difficult, even, in a weird way. I've known cross dressers my whole life. I've met trans, and had no problems accepting their desired gender.

And yet, this man. This boy I idolized when I was young... my mind was resistant.

And yet, I did it.

She's moved. Sadly, I only keep up with her on FB now. She's doing awesome, and I miss her.

This was my first and only real challenge in accepting gender preferences. And I find it fascinating to noodle at in my head.

I tend to be...

Binary in my sexual preferences. Not so much in my friends or in my business practices, but definitely in my attractions.

Which is interesting, because I've always been one of those girls who busted a lot of gender stereotypes. I was (still am, in many ways) a tomboy. I played in the woods, catching snakes and turtles and lizards and whatever. I don't remember ever owning a Barbie. I enjoy manual labor. I put together Ikea better than any man I know.


I was also a bit of a Sadie Hawkins. I asked men out. I gave them flowers. I pursued them.

Until I didn't.

Interestingly, once I fully recognized and accepted my dominance (instead of just being a tomboy-cum-bossy-girl), I accepted the feminine side of myself more as well. And I began looking for the masculine in others.

Which is not exactly right. I'm using masculine and feminine to describe traditional gender roles, when I look for those things in men and women, regardless of gender.

Which is where the binary comes in.

I am a mixture of 1s and 0s. We all are. Male, female, trans, GQ... We have a blend that is uniquely ours. I don't know a single person who is all 1s or all 0s.

Or all Yin and no Yang or vice versa.

In many cases, though, we need the yin to our yang, the 1 to our 0 to create passion. To create the spark that ignites love and romance.

Which is where things get complex.

Because too many matches of 1s and 0s makes for amazing friends, but not so much the passionate desire and fireworks.

Not enough matches might mean setting the sheets on fire, but nothing in common on which to base a relationship.

And for those like me who chose from both sides of the sexual smorgasboard, that means finding yins in the yang-bodied and yangs in the yin-bodied, and in just the right blend to suit me.

And this is all very complicated.

To make matters worse, I still think gendered. A lot.

For example, I like "traditionally masculine" men, and "traditionally feminine women" most in my sexual attraction.

Manly men and womanly women. Whatever that means.

I make jokes that "Doors don't work for me when men are around—I just can't figure them out," and "That's what boys are for," (usually in reference to taking out the trash). I have never learned to grill, because the males I've had in my life have always prided themselves on that, so I let them have it.

And because most of the submissives in my life have been men. And I open doors for submissive women.

Because I still think gendered.

There are exceptions.

I tease that women are in charge as they should be in my world, while simultaneously enjoying female subs as well as male friends who are dominant (without trying to out-dominate them).

I have the serious hots for a few very butch women and a flirtation with an incredibly beautiful and feminine crossdresser, for example. And they turn me on. They are exceptions to the general rule for me, though, I'll admit.

But I wonder, is that because of pre-conditioned gender roles in my life, or is it that I require a wider gap in my 1s and 0s when pairing with another person than some people do (and certainly less than others).

I don't know. I do know that...

Differences matter.

I love the binary. I love the differences. I require them.

A guy wrote to me on OkCupid with the message, "Wow! 97% match. that has to mean something."

I wrote back, "We share 96 percent of our DNA with chimps. It's the 4% that makes all the differences."

I crave a person different enough from me to drive my curiosity. To surprise me. To intrigue me. To get my mental and physical gears shifting into new configurations. To teach me and to expose me to different pieces of life.

So, rather than saying "Let him be the man..."

I say, let them be themselves. Learn to love people for who they are, and find your attractions where you will.

Know who you are and what you love, and search it out, everywhere, and enjoy the surprise when you find yourself attracted to someone completely different from your usual type.

Chase men, or women, or sit back and wait, whether you are male or female. Make the most of the people in your life, and don't change to suit either society or to rebel against it.

Do what works for you, and the people you love. But mostly for you. Because you are who you will always have with you.

Thank you for sharing my rambling with me today.

I'd love to hear your thoughts and your viewpoints on gender, gender roles and sexual identity as it relates to interactions and relationships.

Humiliation Is No Fun If It's THE TRUTH, Yet, It Has To Be True

So, humiliation (giving) used to be a hard limit for me. It was a definite no-go. I don't like to tear people down, I like to build people up.

Especially those I have responsibility for.

And frankly, what interest should I have in a "lowly worm, lower than the dirt beneath my feet" anyway?

And I have ZERO interest in playing a part or acting a role. Not my thing in the bedroom.

But, I've changed that. Because Pet likes humiliation, I've learned.

And what I learned (for me) is this:

Humiliation needs to be true (or it's not humiliating), but it cannot be the TRUTH (or whole truth).

In other words, I cannot lie to humiliate.

I also cannot make fun of something that I believe is a true fault.

So, I can tease Pet about having a small cock because he's literally the smallest man I've ever had sex with.

I can also humiliate him that way, because I love his cock, no matter the size, and he is the best lover I've ever had, regardless of the length, width, staying power, or lack thereof.

On his end, the humiliation works because he knows I'm telling the truth, but he also knows that no matter how mean I get, he's in a place of love and 100% acceptance.

On the other hand...

I can't make fun of him for being a weak, pathetic little boy, because he's not. He's amazingly physically fit, and dynamic. That sort of thing is obviously not true, and would roll off him like water off a duck's butt... and would not be humiliating.

I also can't make fun of something that is actually a serious issue in his life. For example, if he had serious anxiety disorder (he doesn't), I could not add that to my humiliation list, as it would be too true, and not provide a safe, accepting place.


I'm not saying humiliation is like this for everyone. For me, though, this is how it works.

And I LIKE it!


I'm Teaching About The Psychology Of Spanking! April 29, 2016

What is it about spanking that we all love so much? How can we heighten our senses, and use our brains and thoughts to get even more out of spanking?

We'll touch on history of spanking, positions, mindset, role play and humiliation in this entertaining class.

Spanking Play Party in Raleigh

Friday, April 29, 2016 · 7:00 PM – 1:30 AM


I'm looking forward to this class! As someone who really focuses in on the mental aspects of D/s, I'm blending this with a long-time skill of mine: spanking.

Fun times! I hope you can join me and the Spanking group for their ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY presentation and play party!


Oh FFS! Quit Yer Whining!

"All women have to do is be on a [dating/sex] site, and men will send her messages. It's so much easier for women, they make all the choices."

Oh, FFS! This is the biggest load of bullshit I've ever heard (over and over and over and over).

Men and women, in general, have exactly the same choices, when looking for each other.

Because, you know, male/female pairings require one of each.

Get it?

Let's look at this another way, from the male POV, and the female.


Get onto said dating/sex site, and start looking through photos. They pick a few (2-100) that they like, and send a message.

Sometimes, they read the profile, and make personalized comments. Sometimes it's a copy and paste job.

But they choose a few pics from every hundred they see, depending on how picky they are. Let's say that 10% intrigue them, or 1 in 100.

They've made their move. Now they wait.

Let's say Man A has sent out 50 messages to women he has an interest in, out of 500 women he viewed.

Now, let's take a look at Woman A.


Woman A signs up for a site, and immediately starts receiving messages, before she's even gotten a chance to fill out her profile, making her realize that very many men don't care much about who she is or what she has to say. They are looking at her photos.

Hell, some get off a message before she even has a photo up.

Let's say she gets 50 messages. Without searching the site. Without looking at profiles. Without even being cleaver or interesting in her profile.

Because men have already jumped all over that.

Now, she can go through those photos and profiles, and JUST LIKE MAN A, she can pick and choose who she sends messages to.

And probably sends about the same percentage: 10%. In her case, that results in 5 potential interests.

Now do you get it?

It's THE SAME odds. They about even out.

Sure, men often send the first message, but not always. Just check out this thread

. In fact, I've found it detrimental to message men first... so there's that.

Just in case you're not seeing it:

Man: looks over profiles, messages who he wants to meet.
Woman: looks over messages, replies to who she wants to meet.

It evens out. Men and women (in cis-het relationships like this) meet in the SAME numbers, because they have to.

If you're still bitching...

There is one other consideration.

If you are routinely getting crap response to your messages, intros, etc... Then there is only one common denominator.

Consider how you market yourself, and quit yer whining!

*mic drop*

Writing Prompt: Men And Women. Masculine And Feminine. Opposites Attract. Navigating The Binary.

So, I just read and responded to a piece by a new friend of mine, "Let Him Be The Man][

]," and I realized after replying that there was a lot there that I couldn't cover in the gender-normative binary.

Also, with HB2 here in North Carolina being a big issue and major discussion (i had 7 conversations this weekend about it, personally), this is a very current topic.

Which is where the binary comes in.

we are all a mixture of 1s and 0s. Male, female, trans, GQ... We have a blend that is uniquely ours. I don't know a single person who is all 1s or all 0s on any gender-based scale (however erroneous that might be).

Or all Yin and no Yang or vice versa.

The Prompt

I'd love to hear your thoughts and your viewpoints on gender, gender roles and sexual identity as it relates to interactions and relationships.

  • Do you search out the differences?
  • The similarities?
  • How do they affect your D/s relations?
  • How do they affect or engage your friendships?
  • Do you have gender or binary differences that have impacted your life?

Feel free to write in your own journal and link me to it, or just think on it or write on it and keep it to yourself, if you prefer.

I have already started my piece (just like usual) and I'll post it soon. I don't want to influence anyone, though, as I love the idea of getting your honest and gut-instinct responses.

Write a sentence. Or a paragraph. Or an essay. Or whatever this is to you. Talk it out. Make it yours.

I'm looking forward to reading your responses!

Poly is NOT Instant Gratification (Poly Is Not, Part III)

All over FetLife, all up in K&P, you can read about poly. And if you have, you've probably realized that there are as many different versions of poly as there are people practicing it.

There are common threads, though.

One of these threads that I've seen is the trope of, "Secondaries are people and deserve to be treated equally with primaries."

It's often used to skewer couples opening up to a third, telling them they are doin' it rong.

And this is a truth, but in my mind is not THE truth.

Because poly is not instant gratification.

Developing a relationship takes time.

If you come into my life, no matter how much I like you, you will not have the same trust, intimacy and primacy that my Pet has.

You will likely not even have the same trust, intimacy and primacy that my very good friends have.

Because you and I haven't put in that time. We haven't had those experiences. We've not developed that bond.

To me, poly is not the guarantee of friendship or love or sex.

It is the POSSIBILITY of it.

It is being open to allowing any relationship to develop as deeply and widely as the relationship can handle.

It is the opportunity to create something deep and meaningful and loving and sexy and creative and silly and moving and profound and committed and... whatever...


Yours and mine. Or yours and whomever.

But, what about equality?

The way I see it, it's perfect equality. You have every opportunity to earn love and depth and respect and desire and all the good stuff, alongside the arguments and misunderstandings and little hurts and "we have to have a talk" times, just like my Pet did. just like my friends have.

Just because I'm poly does not mean you get a shortcut to the head of the line, so you can feel equal to another without putting in the safe types of time and effort they did.

Just because your new potential partner is poly does not mean that you get to sacrifice all the dating and romance and stuff and go straight to the sex, because "They get the mushy stuff from their primary."

The primary gets all that amazing sexy fun and prioritizing because they put in the mushy stuff (or whatever else they put in).

You can, too.

Or not.

Poly relationships take time to develop.

They take time. They take commitment. They take communication.

And even with all of that, there is no guarantee that it will work. You have an equal chance, is all.

Just like with every other relationship.

Wanna meet?

Looks like I'm heading out tonight in DC/Maryland:


The OTHER Consent Violation: It Happened To Me

We talk a lot about consent. And we should. Because it's important.

One of the reasons we talk a lot about it is because there are often disagreements about when consent is violated, and what to do about it.

There is one form of consent violation that is perfect black and white, and it happened to myself and three friends recently.

Here is the story:

A friend of mine got involved with someone who has had issues with a stalker. Of course, I heard about it, and didn't think much of it, except how horrifying it all sounded. I was simply aware of what was happening.

This stalker then reached out to me here on FetLife, not identifying themselves, and tried to make friends, referencing friends we had in common on Facebook.

Really, WTF? Facebook? Why even bring that up?

So, I started digging and asking around. It didn't take long before I realized that this person and the alleged stalker were the same.

So, in the interest of fairness, I asked other people they claimed as friends, and people I knew who might know them. ALL of the replies I got back from wildly differing people had some sort of hesitation, asterisk, or outright negative reply about their character and whether they would recommend them as a friend.

So, I turned them down, saying that not only did I not want a person of questionable integrity around me, but that I also had no interest in exposing my circle of friends to such a person.

They got self-righteously angry, wanting to know names of who I had spoken to who had said such unthinkable things about them, and when I wouldn't tell them, threatened to both out me and to subpoena me.

I laughed, and told them to enjoy theirself.

That was a few months ago.

Yesterday, the stalkee (who has since become a friend) sent the letter below to me, copying the other two friends outed in a text message.

Her stalker sent this letter to her parents.

They outed her.

They violated her consent.

They shat all over her right to personal privacy as an adult.


This, to me, is akin to and as serious as rape. This is a perfect reason to ostracize a person from the community.

And, as someone who runs a community venue and knows many others as well, I will be passing this information on.

Outing is a consent violation.

It also has the potential to put a person's entire life at risk. NC is an "employ at will" state. This means, in legal terms:

An employer is free to decide at any time to dismiss any employee already working for the employer, for any reason or for no reason at all (except for a handful of reasons made unlawful under federal law, such as race, sex, or age discrimination). The employer is free to demote, suspend, or transfer the employee and to raise or lower his or her pay.

Kink is a perfectly acceptable reason, and is covered by many morality clauses.

This person has also just forced my friend to have a conversation with her parents (and at least one sibling, who has been also made aware), when she may have already decided it was none of their business.

This person, while hypocritically engaging in the kink world themselves, "warned" her parents that she was participating in unsafe and dark behaviors, which might make any but the most open-minded parent concerned, even if they did know about the kink aspect of things.

That's not all, though. This person also brought her friends into this. Friends with their own families and work and lives that straddle the words of kink and vanilla.


I will tell you privately exactly who this person is so that you can avoid them. I will tell you to pass on the word to any and all friends, venues, event planners and managers and everyone you know.

I will also tell you who really am. It's not secret. I only obscured my last name to protect the others involved in this. I'm out to friends and family everywhere.

Not everyone has that luxury.

I say ban them.

Because if they did it once, they will do it again, to others. What if you accidentally offend them? What if your lover did? What if you did, but they outed your lover? Or any number of other non-consensual things...

Will you take the risk of welcoming this person into your community, knowing this history?

I hope not in my community. I hope not in yours.

Like A 3-Martini Lunch, Only Better!

So, once or twice a week,Pet and I have "Funch." It's a combination of three words:

  • fun
  • fucking
  • lunch

Although, to be fair, the fucking is usually not on the table. After all, he is SO DAMN GOOD with his hands and mouth, and I'm an evil sumabitch who controls his orgasms and yadda, yadda, yadda...

Anyway, so today with had funch. And I was feeling a bit... I dunno how to describe it... RAWR!

Yes, RAWR! will do nicely. That's exactly how I was feeling.

So, I decided to step up my game today.

I got all gussied up in black leather boots, black lace hipster panties, and some pretty red lipstick. I then laid down on the bed to think my evil thoughts while pet was on the way.

By the time he arrived, I had a good idea of what I wanted to do.

When he walked in, he was surprised and excited, seeing me laying on the bed in my getup. When he was fully undressed, I stood over him by about 2 inches (heels and platforms, yay!), which heightened the effect I was going for.

We embraced, and I whispered a few naughty things about him being mine, and how he needs the love and the pain and the humiliation I offer him because it is how he knows I love him—all of him—and not just a idealized version of him.

His favorite and best answer to all of this is simply, "Yes, My Queen."


Anyway, so then I bend him over the bed, legs slightly spread so I can play with his cock and ass a bit. I spank him, just because I can, and I tell him so. I'm sort of all over the place in what I'm doing, so he can't get used to it, or expect anything, and when I check, he is dripping like a faucet in a $15 motel.

Which makes me grin and tease him for liking abuse so much.

Then, I instruct him to lay his chest on the bed and reach behind to spread his ass cheeks for me, because I'm going to fill him up while he pleasures me.

He does (of course!) like a good boy, and I put a really substantial stainless steel plug up his ass. I then move to the bed, and lay below him, to tease him with my mouth.

Now, here's the fun thing about teasing him: He's on orgasm control. No cumming until next Monday when I return from DC.


I know. I'm mean.

So, I'm teasing him with my mouth while he's getting me off (I have no restrictions, of course!), and every once in a while, he has to pull back to stop himself.

Well, one of the things about sucking cock while orgasming, is that I suck harder. And that makes it very hard to not cum (right, Pet?). LOL!

So, He's about to bust, and I release his cock from my mouth, and his orgasm is ruined. All over my neck and chest.

I say something like, "That's a good boy! Let that ruined orgasm paint my neck and chest while you get me off hard knowing you're going to clean up your mess... That's it. Lick that cunt good... That OhhhhhhhAHHHHHHH!"


Now, I'm multi-orgasmic, and I like that fine, but there are times when a really big orgasms deserves to stand on it's own, and this was one or those times, so I tapped out.

"On your knees," I commanded, and he dropped to his knees (my head was hanging off the bed), and he licked my neck and chest clean, like a good little subby boy.

Then he kissed me, because I told him to, and climbed back on the bed to cuddle with me.

We cuddled for a few moments, but I was too worked up, so I sat up and started playing with him.

Apparently, he was too worked up as well, with that big heavy plug in his ass, my hand on his cock, me playing with his nipples...

I had to ruin his orgasm two more times.

I was laughing at the third one, which was particularly spectacular, and I said to him, "Some people have a three martini lunch. You get a three-ruined-orgasm funch."


Do You See Me? Or Do You See My Body?

I read an interesting article today. All about dating while fat. You can find it here:

It's hard to date when you're fat, but not for the reasons you might think.

I thought it was going to be for reasons I don't think.

It wasn't. It was for exactly the reasons I might think. Physical reasons. A quote from near the end of the article says:

When I meet people whose first response to me is about my fat body, I learn something important about that person. Whether their opening salvo is "Fat bitch" or "I’m concerned about your health" or "Have you tried this diet?" or "I think you’re beautiful," they all send the same message: that I am invisible. Rather than seeing me or getting to know who I am, they can only see my fat body. - Your Fat Friend (No really, that's the attribution.)

But as I read this, I thought, "Well, duh," and not because of fat. Because of people.

Let me reword that quote a bit:

When I meet people whose first response to me is about my physical appearance, I learn something important about that person. Whether their opening salvo is "Sexy hips" or "I love your eyes" or "You have a gorgeous neck" (Yes, I have gotten that before—graceful and swan-like, it seems!) or "I think you’re beautiful," they all send the same message: that I am invisible. Rather than seeing me or getting to know who I am, they can only see my physical body.

This is not a fat thing. It is a HUMAN thing.

It's maybe more culturally popular to objectify women than men, but only by a tiny bit, if any.

It's the way nature made us. The vast majority of us are going to be attracted to a sort of middle norm of body shape, symmetrical attractiveness and the like. It's how we chose who had eaten well as they grew up and were most likely to bear or sire healthy offspring.


Sure, those of us who carry a bit more body weight might get more negative comments. But, so do those who are very thin, very short, very tall, oddly colored, or in any way outside the norm.

(For the longest time, I thought girls with extra weight and big tits (with gorgeous long legs) had it easier than me with my huge ass and "thunder" thighs. We all have our pecadillos.)

Because we are not being seen. We as people cannot be easily seen by strangers. Only our bodies can.

And how they see our bodies matters BECAUSE that will never go away. Our bodies will always be a part of any relationship we have with ourselves and others. Even if we are paraplegic, the body still matters enough to plan for it, to choose the life of living with and caring for...

So, I actually know the answer to my title question. You see my body (if you know me in real life, or have perused my carefully curated series of pictures), and because you are reading this, you see a little piece of my mind as well.

And that's enough for me. For now.

No. I am NOT invalidating anyone's right to say that being larger is more of a burden. That's not my place, and frankly, I love my life mostly, I'm not getting into a "who has it worse? war. I'm simply saying that the wording that was used in some of that article brings me to a point that many of us grapple with, including those who are not obese—that our physical bodies and appearance are going to determine many of the relationships we have.

Looking For Like-Minded Fun!

I'm a dominant and a cuckoldress heading into DC this weekend (March 25-27) for a "ME" vacation. Taking time off work, running a kink venue, and looking forward to some cherry blossoms!

I'm open to interesting experiences of all kinds:

  • Kinky-cool people to visit the museums.
  • Awesome peeps to have tea with.
  • Hot Bulls for fun, and to provide plenty of material to send back to the cuck at home.
  • Cool dommes interested in making friends.
  • Sexy subs (of any gender) wanting to hang out, possibly escort me to an event or two.


I'm not guaranteeing anything. I'm all about the connection. That said, I'm not ruling anything out, either.

So, check out my profile, my pics, maybe a few of my writings to get a feel for me, then send me a message that really intrigues me.

We'll go from there.


Do We Really Have To Give It All Away?

This morning, as I was perusing the Book of Faces, I found a quote:

"I,” she says, “am always stuck. I am always stuck between giving people everything because I am dying to create meaningful relationships, and giving them nothing at all because then if they leave, at least I’ll be left whole." — S.Z. // Excerpt from a book I’ll never write #138

And I felt sad reading this. And had one thought:

Can't we just share, instead?

Instead of giving our lives to our partner, can't we share them?
Instead of giving our love to our lovers, can't we share it?
Instead of giving everything to our paramour, can't we share it all?

Do we really have to just give it all away?

All In Or Nothing

If I'm not all in, willing to see where it will go, I don't bother. I won't waste your time or mine.

Who can give 50% and be happy? Who can get 50% and be happy?

Not I.

Relationships are 100%/100%.

There Is Nothing More Erotic Than Belonging

In D/s, there is nothing more erotic than belonging.

In my opinion, belonging is the highest level of emotion, and it translates into the greatest physical excitement in a relationship.

In a D/s relationship they belong to me, they are mine, every pleasure they experience is an act of obedience to me, they surrender everything they have to me, I know and see everything inside of them, they share their most intimate self with me, the two of us share a connection we do not have with anyone else (even if we have connections with others, this is ours).

This connection creates deep levels of desire for each of us, because there is love and responsibility on both sides.

Relationship Black Holes

A black hole is a region of spacetime exhibiting such strong gravitational effects that nothing—including particles and electromagnetic radiation such as light—can escape from inside it.

A relationship black hole is similar.

I call the topics and memories of your relationship that have become avoided topics black holes.

You, know, the sore spots that you avoid, rather than start an argument. The unresolved issues that both of you dance around, speak over, and generally try to pretend don't exist.

Let's look at an example.

You've had it. Neither of you is 22 anymore (or 19, or whatever), and you have responsibilities. You don't need 22 shots of tequila, Jaeger, and God-only-knows-what-else every stinking Friday night.


So, you have the fight.

Talk. I mean talk.

And for a while things are good. Really good. Then, they slip. Not as bad as it used to be, but enough that you notice. And steam a bit.

So, you mention it.

But you don't want to have that fight—talk— now. Because it will become a fight, and this weekend, you're camping with friends and you don't want to ruin it.

So, you agree to talk about it later.

And when you get home late Sunday, you need to get ready to sleep and get up tomorrow for work, and so you don't bring it up.

And the week is hectic, and everything else is going great, and you don't want to ruin the mood...

You've just created a relationship black hole.

BOTH of you know it's there. BOTH of you avoid it, ironically, showing your ability to work together.

So, now you have it, because the longer you don't discuss it, the easier it is to avoid it.

It becomes a habit.

After a black hole has formed, it can continue to grow by absorbing mass from its surroundings.

Once a relationship black hole exists, it not only remains unless dealt with, it grows. It grows by sucking in other nearby topics and memories.

You have your black hole. The two of you are amazing partners, though, so you've learned to work around it. It may never happen again, right?

Except it does.

Only, this time, it's the Friday before your sister's wedding, and, even better, your partner is with the same friend that they were with the last time that they slipped up.


You mention it. this time, though, because you know you've been avoiding the black hole, you mention the friend, suggesting they are a bad influence, and...

You start a fight. Talk. A very heated talk...

But it's too exhausting, and there is a lot to do for the wedding, so it's shelved.


And your black hole has now grown. It has absorbed previously innocent topics into it's do-not-discuss gravity.

Let's look at what is now potentially off-limits:

  • drinking
  • all alcohol discussions
  • THAT friend
  • Friday nights that include any sort of bar
  • weekends with plans

Because patterns... and you can be sure it will continue to grow and add experiences and people to blame and topics to avoid, until, eventually, it eats a huge hole in your partnership, made even worse, because your friends will accidentally stumble onto the edges.

  • Friend A is already a part of the hole, without even knowing.
  • Friend B slips in by inviting your partner out for "getting drunk and blowing off steam Friday," without knowing that's a sore spot.
  • Friend C falls victim talking about how they and your partner used to get "sooooooo drunk" back in college that they didn't wake up until 4pm on Saturday—enough time to grab a few chili dogs, take a shower, and start all over again...

So, have you experienced relationship black holes? Did they grow, sucking up more and more space in your lives?

I'd love to hear your experiences.

I do NOT give you consent to touch my mind...

I was having a discussion with DarkJester

on Tuesday at the TMG Tuesday Topical

about Stoicism and Epicureanism, and he brought up a quote:

If a person gave your body to any stranger he met on his way, you would certainly be angry. And do you feel no shame in handing over your own mind to be confused and mystified by anyone who happens to verbally attack you? - Epictetus

We talk a lot about consent regarding our physical forms. Over and over, ad nauseum. Nary a week goes by that something is written about consent and potential violation of our physical bodies.

But, really, as carefully as we protect our physical selves, many people spend our mental consent like sailors on leave, allowing even complete strangers to affect our thoughts, feelings, and peace of mind without so much as a word of negotiation.

  • When someone insults or bullies us, and we allow it to affect us.
  • When a stranger judges us or uses the wrong label(s) and we get upset. .
  • When a friend says something hurtful, and we are hurt.

The real crime here, is one that we commit against ourselves.

When we consent without even a single thought to allow others to control how we think, how we feel, how we act, what is right or wrong...

THAT is when we have given up.

I do NOT give you consent to touch my mind...

Until we have negotiated.

Until you have earned my trust.

Until you have shown me that you respect me for who I am as a person.

Until you have made it clear beyond a reasonable doubt that you love me for who I am, flawed beyond imagining, and not for some construct you hope me to be.

Until we have created a bond of mutual consent, love and respect.

Blackmail Cuck

So, I usually write my cuckolding stories from experience. Things I've done, mostly, with just a bit of fantasy twist.

A few days ago, I started a new story that it based in fantasy. A blackmail/seduction theme.

I have some of my friends reading through this first section now and they'll get the other sections (I'm 3,000 words beyond this bit now), but I thought I might post the first part here, get some feedback on the beginning from my peer group, rather than just friends.

I'd love your thoughts.



He’s adorable, my R. A few years older than I am and so cute in an almost-ginger boy-next-door sort of way. He’s been flirting with me. And I like it.

I work for the same architectural firm he does. I’m serious about my career and I do an amazing job, which is how I got this highly coveted position. I’m not above using what I have, though, to get more of what I want.

Let me explain.

I’m not just an intelligent, driven woman who likes to get things done by thinking outside the box and making it happen, I am also attractive. Not model material. Actually, I think that could be more trouble than it’s worth, but with my lustrous dark hair, big eyes, and curvy figure, I’ve never wanted for company. Or for opportunities.

And I use all that I have to my advantage. I’ve gotten placed on his team, which is nearly impossible for a first year employee. My work deserves it and the edge of being pleasant on the eyes has assured it. I chose him. In fact, he is why I chose this firm. We met about three years ago at a networking event, and I knew I had to have him.

So, now I work closely with him. Early mornings, late into the night. I am his Gal Friday.

Of course, as we’re cursing AutoCad and hotly debating design and function, we’ve grown closer. He’s recently out of a relationship, and doesn’t think he has time for another, with being a new partner and doing what needs to be done to fit the position.

It’s a perfect opportunity for me to take what I want.

So, I flirt. Outrageously.

I never go too far. After all, this is the workplace, and I would never be the one to break that barrier.

But I will strain it.

And encourage him to break it.

Because that is what I want.

I want him to take that step. The step that will make him all mine.

It’s been about 13 months that I’ve been working on him, and I know that it’s just a matter of time when another partner drops the ball on a big client, and R is asked to take over.

Knowing it will mean three weeks of brutal hours, he asks me if we can do it, even mentions a possible bonus.

Of course I agree, knowing my time is coming soon.

Sixteen hour days for the entire team, no weekends, sleeping on the couches at work, and running home to shower and change make for craziness, but I never lose sight of my most important goal.

Whenever I have the opportunity, I bend over a little lower than necessary, or angle my ass where he can’t help but look. I see him. I don’t let on. That’s not part of the game.


19 days later, a full 72 hours before the deadline, we wrap up. The mood is celebratory. We’re all exhausted and high on accomplishment. R gives us a three-day weekend to recover, and dismisses the team.

It’s just the two of us left, giddy from pulling this off, counting the brownie points we’ll be getting from the other partners and the client for saving this project. One bottle of champagne is left, and he opens it for another toast, to go with the bonus check he hands over to me.

My eyes get wide as I open it and see the numbers printed there, and I know that now is the time to act.

I jump up off the desk I’ve been sitting on and give R a big, full body hug.

“Thank you so much! This bonus is perfect, I have big plans for this money.”

I hold on tightly, pressing myself against him just a little longer than necessary, knowing that if it doesn’t happen now, it may be another year before the time is really right again.

And as I pull away slowly, almost reluctantly, it happens.

He kisses me. With a smile on his face and his arms pulling me tighter.

I melt into it for a brief moment, then I push away and slap him.

“Just what do you think you’re doing?”

R suddenly realizes the trouble he’s in, and I can see him searching for a way out. I don’t stop there.

“Wait. Is this,” waving the check, “some sort of bribe for sexual favors? Is that why I’m the only one on the team who got a bonus?”

He’s stammering now. Stuttering. Denying. Of course not. He just felt I’d done the most work, he’s sorry, so very sorry. He doesn’t know what came over him.

Like I said, he’s adorable.

I stay quiet, letting him run himself out of words. It’s time for the next step.

“I should report you for this. I could probably get a very nice settlement from the company for sexual harassment, if I wanted to.”

More stammering and stuttering. Pleading with me not to do that. It was a mistake, he thought I was open to it, he misread the signals. It would ruin his career. Please, God, no.

I wait again. He’s desperate. Just how I want him.

“We may be able to avoid all that.”

He’s very interested.

Of course.

“I’m willing to overlook your behavior if you do as I say.”

He’s not stupid. He’s suddenly suspicious. I can see him looking for a way out and not finding one.

“Don’t worry. I’m pretty sure you’ll thank me for it, when all is said and done, although you may not like it much at first.”

I smile.

“To be fair, you don’t really have a choice. I’m going to get what I want, either way. If you do as I say, I’ll get what I want, and you won’t lose your career. Even better, you may get exactly what you want as well.”

Like I said, he’s not stupid. He’s catching on to the fact that he’s been set up. I can see it in his eyes as he appraises me, thinking on what I just said.

He’s still desperate, though, because he knows he’s in a tough spot.

That desperation combined with the possible redemption I’ve thrown him is tough to resist.

“I can’t authorize extra funds,” he warns.

“On no, this is quite nice. This bonus will do just fine. I prefer to work for my money the old fashioned way.”

“I want you.”

I see the impact that has on him, and I can see he likes it.

“I will have you MY way, though. As I want you, doing what I say. Or, I’ll file that complaint tomorrow.”

My carrot and stick have been offered. It’s his choice now. I’m 98% positive I’ve read R right, but there is that 2% chance I’m off the mark.

Then I see that he’s made his decision. I wait, anyway. No need to get cocky.

“What’s this involve, then?”

“You’re taking me to your lake house this weekend. You will do as I say in everything. Is that clear?”

R smiles. “Yes, perfectly clear.”

“Excellent. My bags are already packed. You can pick me up at 9am sharp.”

His smile turns rueful.

“I’ll be there.”

His consent is casual, not at all the proper way to address the woman who holds his balls, but the correction can wait.

“Perfect. I’m heading home to get some sleep. I’ll see you in the morning.”

I feel his eyes on my ass as I leave the office.

The next morning, I’m up at dawn. I’m not fully rested, but I feel mostly refreshed, and I’m excited about what the day will bring.

I shower and blow out my hair, apply some light makeup and cherry red lipgloss, then slip into a summer dress and white wedges with a simple white thong underneath. I grab my sun hat and I’m ready.

My bags really are packed, so I’m ready to go easily before time.

I curl up on the couch with a book to pass the time, and I get so involved I’m a bit surprised when there’s a knock at the door. Glancing at the clock, it’s 8:54. Good timing.

I open the door with a smile on my face.

“Good morning!” I sing out happily when I see him. “Thank you so much for being punctual. That earns you big points in my book.”

I flash my most winsome smile.

R smiles in return. “It looks like it will be perfect lake weather,” he comments as he picks up my luggage sitting by the door. “we’ll have a beautiful weekend at the lake.”

“Oh, yes we will,” I reply with a smirk.

R blushes a bit, a little off balance.

I wonder how much sleep he got last night. I bet it wasn’t much, wondering what he’s gotten himself into and thinking about how his life is about to change in ways he can only imagine.

And I’d guess he has not imagined what I have planned.

We walk out to his SUV, and as he puts my bags in the back, I wait by the passenger door. He opens it for me and hands me in, waiting until I settle before closing the door.

As he climbs into the driver’s seat, I thank him for taking such good care of me so far, and run my hand lightly over his thigh.

I can see his body react, and I smile.

It’s about a three hour drive to the lake, and we start by making some small talk about the weather. As the conversation reaches a natural lull, I can feel his curiosity filling up the interior of the vehicle. It makes me laugh inside.

I’m not ready to spill the beans yet, but I do have an idea.

I reach over to the air vents, and adjust them to blow a bit more directly on me. He glances over to see what I’m doing, and I say, “I’m feeling a little warm.”

“Would you like me to turn up the air?”

“No, thank you. I think this is just right. If I slide this up a bit.”

I kick off my sandals, and put my bare, pedicured feet on the dashboard, pulling up my skirt hem a bit, and feeling the air caress my legs.

His eyes keep straying from the road.

I run my hands up and down my legs. “I can’t wait to spend a little time in the sun. I feel like we’ve been inside for three weeks straight, and I need some vitamin D.”

I put emphasis on the last two words, and he looks at me curiously. I’m sure he catches the sexual suggestion, and wonders about it, but I’m not about to clarify.

My hands slide down my thighs.

“Mmmm. And damn, it’s been a long time since I really relaxed, you know?”

My hands are inches away from my panties, and R seems to be having trouble concentrating on his driving.

“In fact, would you mind very much if I relaxed a bit on our way?”

R assents. Of course he does. I can tell he’s wondering if he’s reading things right, and he is both shocked and pleased when I slide my fingers down to my panties and start rubbing myself through them.

“Ahhh. That feels good.”

“I bet.”

His answer annoys me a little. “Hush. You’ll know when I want you to speak. Just watch right now.”


“And I really think you should be more respectful. I think ‘Yes, Miss’ or ‘No, Miss’ will do just fine.”

R pauses for a moment, digesting this, then says, “Yes, Miss.”

“Good boy. Now, be quiet while I relax.”

“Fuck. I’m so wet," I let my words out light and breathy, but with a bit of a growl. “It’s soaking through my panties.”

My finger slides along the fabric, up and down, as I slowly build myself up. It’s not long before I’m hot and really really wanting more direct stimulation, so I lift my hips off the seat, and shimmy my panties down to my ankles resting on the dash.

“Mmmm. Can you smell that? That’s the scent of my arousal.”

“Yes, Miss.”

“And you like that smell, don’t you?”

“Yes, Miss.”

“That smells like it would taste good to you, doesn’t it?”

“Oh, yes, Miss.”

“Good boy.”

I lick my fingers to wet them, and slide them along my clit, giving myself a jolt of pleasure. I moan out loud, and slide a bit further down in my seat, making it easier to reach all of my sensitive spots.

“Tell me that you want me.”

“I want you, Miss.”

“Make me believe it,” I say as I rub myself a bit faster. My hips are moving in time with my fingers.

“I want you, Miss. I’ve wanted you from the moment I met you.”

“Go on. I want to cum right here in your car, listening to you tell me how much you desire me.”

“Oh. Um. Well, the first time I saw you in those heels, I could barely take my eyes off you.”

My fingers are moving faster, and my breath is catching a bit.

“The way you moved. Those hips. It’s like your body was calling to me. I couldn’t resist, and I didn’t want to. I had to meet you.”

And that wasn’t enough. When we had that opening at the office, I was going to reach out to let you know, when I saw you’d applied. I masturbated that night, thinking about you working with me. Thinking about taking you right on my desk…”

My pussy juices are keeping me so wet, as I stroke myself. My fingers flying over my sensitive clit as you tell me of your fantasies.

I damn near cum just knowing that I was right. That I had you pegged from the first moment. But I want to hear more.

“When you interviewed, I played it cool, but I felt like you could see through me. I had to have you in the office, and was willing to do damn near anything, but John was so impressed by your accomplishments, he convinced the other senior partners without any input from me.”

“And I immediately went back to my office and shut my door so that I could stroke myself, imagining ways to get you on my team. Visualizing you wanting to talk to me, and walking into my office in those slim skirts and high heels. Closing the door, and standing close to me, on my side of the desk as you asked me a question, looking at me with those eyes…”

R shudders, and just as he does, I cum hard, feeling his need and desire wash over me.

It’s a heady drug, power. Especially sexual power.

I crave it.

And after all the work I put into this plan, it’s potent. Very, very potent.

As I recover, I look over at him. “Did you just spurt in your pants?”

“Yes, Miss. A lot.”

“Mmmm. Good.”

I sit up a bit and lean over, lifting my fingers to his nose. “Smell.”

He breathes in deeply.

“Do you like that?”

“Yes. Miss, I do.”

“I knew you would. Would you like to help me cum?”


“Yes, now. Give me your right hand.”

He holds out his right hand, studiously trying to keep his eyes on the road. I place it on my hot wet mound, and he moans.

Smiling, I say, “How does that feel?”

“Beautiful, Miss.”

“Good. Now, touch me.”

His fingers are tentative at first. It’s a new pussy after all, and not the ideal angle. He slides his fingers up and down, feeling my lips part, finding my clit and teasing it, sliding down and slipping in the tiniest bit.

“Ahhh. Yes. Slip your fingers inside me. I want to fuck your fingers while I touch myself.”

He doesn’t respond, but follows my direction, slipping in an inch or so, unerringly finding my g-spot, and rubbing it gently.

Oh fuck yes! I just knew that he was going to be an amazing lover. My fingers slip back down to my clit as I push myself against him.

I rub myself as I rock on his fingers, my sweet pussy so wet from the pleasure and the naughtiness of fucking his hand at 80 mph. I let myself go, moaning and crying out as I cum, once, twice, three times before I lay back bonelessly into my seat, exhausted.

His fingers are still inside me as I lay still.

“Smell them.”

He slides gently out of me, and I can feel the loss. I’m half tempted to demand them back, but I wait.

He breathes in deeply, drinking in the scent of me.

“Tell me how much you love my cunt wrapped around your fingers.”

“Oh, Miss. That felt so good. Feeling you getting off, squeezing my fingers. Listening to you. Pleasing you. “

“Mmmm. Good. Now beg me to allow you to clean your fingers off with your tongue. Beg to taste me on you.”

It takes a moment for him to respond. I sense it’s because it’s such an immense desire that he needs to process it into words, more than any reluctance to follow my commands.

“Please, Miss. I have dreamed of tasting you. I have caught hints of your natural femaleness as we work and it’s nearly driven me crazy with lust. I’ve wanted to just bend you over and shove my face between your legs a thousand times a day. Please let me taste you. Please let me savor your juices on my fingers. Let me discover the flavor that is uniquely you. I need it. I desire it. I beg you.”

“Oh, how pretty! Yes, please. Do lick me off of your fingers. And while you do, I’ll tell you how this weekend is going to go.”

“For the next three days, you will be my tongue slut. You will use your mouth and hands on me whenever I want, for as long as I want, desiring nothing but to give me pleasure.”

“You will not expect your cock to be touched, nor will your cock touch me. You will not get to fuck me. Only finger and lick every inch of my body as I require.”

“You will serve me in every way I demand, and you will do it with pleasure and desire.”

“Three days.”

“Do you agree?”

“Yes! Yes, Miss, I agree.”

He speaks so quickly, I know he’s not thought through the ramifications of what he is agreeing to, and that’s mostly OK with me. He’ll never guess all of it, anyway. But I make a token effort.

“Now, think it through. Are you really willing to agree to all that I demand and desire this weekend, knowing that you will not get to please yourself at all?”

“Yes, I do, Miss.”

“Ok, then. Yay! How long until we reach the house?”

“About ten minutes.”


I pull my panties up, and settle back into my seat for the rest of the ride.

As we arrive at the lake, I wait for him to get out of the car and come around to open the door for me.

He gets my luggage, and takes it up to the porch and unlocks the door, holding it for me. I walk in and look around, as he gets my bags and nods his head toward the steps. Once upstairs, I look through three bedrooms, choosing the one with the best light and the largest bed.

“This will do perfectly!”

He smiles, “I thought this would be your preference, Miss.”

He sets down my bags and stands, looking a bit awkward.

“You’re going to need to get some supplies for us, and food, right?”

He looks relieved to have a job. “Yes, Miss, I do.” He turns to go.

“Ah ah!” I stop him. “Not quite yet. There’s something I’d like you to do for me first.”

He turns back around, looking curious.

I point at the floor in front of me and snap my fingers. It takes him a moment, but he catches on, and moves to stand before me, then falls to his knees.

“Oh, very good. Now, I want you to take care of me.”

I turn around towards the bed, and lift up my skirt as I lean over, pushing my pussy into his face.

He waits just a moment too long. “Now, tongue boy!”

He doesn’t reply, he just buries his face in my folds.

Oh yes. The man knows how to lick pussy.

His tongue slides along my lips from clit to cunt and back, over and over. Lapping at me, spreading my juices around, wetting me with his saliva.

Once he’s explored, he slides down to gently suck my clit, his tongue flicking it as his nose just dips between my lips, making my hips rock.

I reach back, pulling his head into me, grinding on his face, feeling pleasure rush through my body. I hold off, not wanting this amazing feeling to end just yet.

“Mmmm. That’s a good boy. You do know how to lick a pussy. I think we are both going to be very happy with this arrangement, aren’t we?”

He mumbles something into my cunt.

“You know I can’t understand you. Show me. Make me cum hard all over your face. Give me so much pleasure that there is no doubt in my mind that you want more than anything to be my tongue slut this weekend.”

He redoubles his efforts, and I know I can’t hold out much longer.

Fuck! The man is good.

“Ah yes! Fuck yeah. That’s it. Lick that pussy good, slut. Make me happy and I will cum for you, all over your face.”

He keeps it up as I grind on him, and I cum, moaning loudly and shuddering, wetting his face quite thoroughly.

When I’m done, I press him gently away, and turn around to sit on the bed.

“That was just lovely. Now, go to town and get supplies. You’ll be cooking, since I know you’re an accomplished foodie, so get whatever you think will please me. I have no allergies and no serious dislikes except raw onion. Make sure to get enough for leftovers. If I really like it, I’ll want to take some home with me after the weekend.”

“Oh, and you may not wash your face. You’ll be shopping with my pussy juices all over you. You’ll be able to smell me the entire time. And I want you ready for another round once you’ve gotten back and made lunch.”

“Until then, I’ll be outside, reading and soaking up some sun.”

“Yes, Miss.”

I slip my dress off and start digging through my bag for my bikini.

He stands for just a moment, then turns to leave with a wide smile on his face. I grin to myself, pleased with how our weekend has begun, and knowing there is so much more to come.

About an hour later, I think I hear him returning. Since I’m in the back of the house, near the lake, I am not sure, but my book is a good one and the sun is lovely, so I don’t mind the wait.

After a while, I hear him walking out to me. When he comes into view, he has a nice tray of cold meats, cheeses, fruits and vegetables. A perfect light lunch for a hot day. He sets it down on the small table near where I’m lounging and smiles at me.

His eyes travel up and down my body. I think he likes what he sees in the sweet white bikini I’ve chosen. I stretch a bit, showing off.

“That looks delicious.”

“I’ve made some lemonade as well. I’ll get that…”

I stop him before he walks away.

“No. Not quite yet. I need a pick-me-up before lunch.”

His eyes brighten as I pat my bikini and spread my legs on the chaise. “Place your nose right here.”

He eagerly climbs between my legs, setting the tip of his nose right where I want it.

“Breathe in.”

I hear him inhale.

“Don’t you love the scent of my cunt?”

“Yes, Miss.”

“Tell me about it.”

“I love the way your cunt smells. It’s sweet and warm. Unique to you. The smell of an amazing cunt. I’ve wanted it for so long.”

“Mmmm. That’s good. And what will you do to please that pussy?”

“I’ll do anything.”

“Yes, you will. You’ll be a good little tongue slut for me all weekend, won’t you?”

“Yes. Yes, I will.”

“Rub your nose into me. A little harder. Yes. Just like that. Feel the wetness there. Feel those juices seeping through.”

“Oh yes. I do.”

“Ah ah! Not until I give you permission. You keep that tongue inside your mouth.”

“Yes, Miss.”

“Mmmm. That’s good. Rub up and down my slit. Make me hot for your tongue on me.”

Of course, he does exactly what I say, and I’m smiling to myself.

I’m laying in the warm sun at a private lake house with a sweet little tongue slut of my very own. Can life get any better?

Well, yes, it can. And it will. I almost laugh as I think of my plans, but a surge of pleasure snaps me out of my reverie.

“Oh, yes. That feels wonderful. Take off my bottoms.”

He slides my bikini down over my legs and sets it at the end of the chaise. I spread my legs again for him, displaying my sweet pussy.

“Look at it. This is the pussy you will be pleasing for the next three days. Does that make you happy?”

“Oh, yes, Miss.”

“Even knowing that your cock will be ignored?”

“Yes, Miss. I will please you with no regard to myself.”

“And do everything I ask?”

“Yes, Miss. Everything.”

“Good. Now, I’d like you to touch me. Gently. Explore me. Tell me about my pussy as you learn about it to please me better.”

He positions himself between my legs again, this time, looking with delight and a sort of curiosity at my mound. His fingers reach out to feel the soft fur nest at the top.

“I like this. I love that you have some hair, here. It’s soft. And trimmed. I like that it’s trimmed. It’s still there, and shows off your womanhood, but it’s not too much. It won’t get in the way of me pleasuring you or stuck between my teeth.”

He grins at me, and I can’t help but grin back.

“I’m so glad you approve.”

“Oh, no, Miss. That’s not what I meant, I just meant that…”

“It’s OK, I’m teasing. Keep going.”

“Oh. Ok. So, I like it. It smells nice. Traps your scent. the scent of you. I love that. I think I’m falling a little bit in love with your smell.”

I don’t respond, I just wait to see what else he’ll say. He continues, with his fingers sliding around the outside of my lips.

“I like your lips. They are full. I’ve always found the fuller ones to be more sensitive. More passionate. They respond so amazingly to touch. See? Just like that.”

He’s rubbed his fingers gently against my lips, and I’ve shuddered a bit and moaned softly. Oh, it feels good.

“Yes, just like that,” he sounds a bit like he’s talking to himself, now, making notes.

“Such soft, velvety lips. So responsive. Ah. Yes, another gasp. I like the way your lips respond to my touch. And when I slide the tip of my finger just inside like this…”

“Oh! So wet. I’m proud I’m pleasing and exciting you this way. I love feeling your lips between my fingers, rubbing them and massaging them. I can feel you growing even wetter, smell your excitement growing. I can’t wait to taste you like this.

“This morning was way too hurried. I like it slow like his, learning you.

“Yes, this is how it should be. Taking my time, finding out your sensitive spots.”

His fingers slide up, lifting and separating my lips and exposing my clit to his gaze. Positioning one hand to hold them open, he licks his fingers on the other hand.

“Ah. The flavor. Delicious. Not enough. Just a tease. I’ll be patient. I’ll taste more in just a few, but for now, I’ll continue my exploration.”


“Yes. That’s what I thought. You like being touched all around your clit, don’t you? I can tell that feels good. Oh yes. this is fun.”

His fingers swirling around my clit feel amazing. I slide a bit down on the chaise, tilting my pelvis a bit, so he has better access to pleasing me. As I do, his fingers start slowly rubbing the sides of my clit like he’s jacking off a tiny little cock.

“Oh. Fuck yes. That feels lovely.”

“I’m glad. I’m glad I’m pleasing you. I’m so thrilled to finally touch you. To taste you. I’ve wanted this so long. I can’t wait to taste you again. To put my mouth on you, to taste your juices. I love how wet you are. How your pussy responds to my touch. How you wiggle. You are so fucking sexy.”

His fingers on me are driving me wild, and I want more.

“Lick me. Lick me and suck me. Taste me. Fill your mouth with me, and make me cum. I need to cum hard, all over your face. All over my new tongue slut’s face. Now. I want your mouth on me now.”

He doesn’t hesitate, but leans down and lays his tongue flat against my clit, his mouth open wide and covering me.

I press my hips up into him and he begins moving his tongue up and down and side to side, lapping at my sensitive clit, made eager by his skilled manipulation.

“Oh fuck yes! I just knew you’d make a good tongue slut from the moment I met you. That’s it. That’s a good boy. Suck and lick that cunt. I want to cum all over you. “

I wrap my fingers in his short hair, pulling him close to me, and grind into his face. He flattens his tongue and sucks as me as I move. I can feel the pressure build, and jus at the right moment, he slips a finger tip between my lips and sends me rocketing.

“Fuck yessss! Oh, that’s a good boy. Ah. I can tell I’m going to cum a lot with your help this weekend. Don’t stop. I’m going to keep cumming.”

I hold his head tightly to my cunt as I grind my hips into him, cumming again and again before I finally slow down and fall back onto the chaise.

“Ah. That was nice.” I smile.

He smiles back, looking a bit dazed from between my legs.

I just look at him, and he looks back. The time stretches and his expression turns confused after a minute or so.

“Lemonade?” I prompt.

“Oh. Yes, Miss!”

He jumps up and goes to fetch the lemonade as I choose a few tidbits from the lunch tray. I smile to myself, and think what a lovely weekend this is shaping up to be.

After a bit more sunning and reading and a quick dip in the lake, I head inside for a shower, R in tow.

I grab my towel and head to the bathroom, and when he doesn’t follow, I turn around and look at him.

“Are you coming?”

“To the shower?”

“Yes, to the shower. I need a good rub down.”

He looks both surprised and excited, and responds quickly, “Yes, Miss.”

The shower is plenty large enough for both of us. I step in without turning it on, and hand him the small plastic pot I have in my hand.

“Use this. Rub me down all over, then, once you’ve done that, you can rinse me off.”

He opens up the sugar scrub and gets a bit in his hands. He looks unsure, so I explain, “Just use it like you would soap, rubbing it all over me. It’ll wash off dirts and oils and dead skin, like soap would, but leaves my skin tasting delicious and feeling super soft and sexy.”

He assents and gets to work.

It’s heaven being pampered like this, and I just lose myself in the sensations. With his strong artistic hands scouring me with the scrub and kneading my tired muscles, it’s hard to keep my eyes open. I think to myself that a nap will be the perfect thing after my shower.

“Get me nice and clean,” I say. “You don’t want to miss a spot.” As his hands head between my legs, I say, “Except there.  Sugar and pussy don’t mix. We don’t want a yeast infection. I’ll wash that with water.”

“Yes, Miss.”

“You will want to get the backside, though.”

“Yes, Miss.”

Once I’m satisfied that he’s gotten all of me that he’s going to get, I ask him to turn on the water. He adjusts the temperature before I step under it, and he uses his hands again to rinse me off completely and wash my hair for me.

After another rise and condition, I’m ready to step out.

“Get out and dry yourself off, then be ready to dry me.”

“Yes, Miss.”

I stay under the warm stream of water until he’s done getting dry, then shut off the shower and step out to be dried off.

He is thorough, patting and stroking me with a soft, fluffy towel. When he’s got me dry, I wrap my hair up in the towel and gesture for him to follow me back to the bedroom.

Once in the bedroom, I clamber up on the bed, making sure to give him an excellent view of my ass as I do.

I lay down on my belly, feeling completely relaxed.

He’s standing at the foot of the bed, not sure what to do, so I take pity on him.

“Use your tongue on me, slut.”

He slides between my legs, and slips his hands under my hips to lift me.

“No. Not there. Not yet.”

“Then what?” he asks.

I wait.

“Then what would you like me to lick, Miss?” he asks properly.

“My ass, silly.”


“What’s the matter? haven’t you ever licked a girl’s ass before?”

“No, Miss. I always thought it was dirty.”

“Well, didn’t you just clean it?” I ask.

“Yes, but not inside.”

“Didn’t you tell me you would do everything I asked this weekend?” I let a hint of anger creep into my voice.

“Yes, I did, but…”

“But what? This is simple. Just lick my ass. Pleasure me. Make me feel good. Don’t you want to do that?”

“Yes, Miss.”

“Isn’t that your place? To please me in every way you can?”

“Yes, Miss.”

“Licking and tongue-fucking my ass will please me. You want to please me, right?”

“Yes, Miss.”

“Then, do it. Spread my cheeks with your hands and lick me until I tell you to stop.”

“Yes, Miss.”

I smile and wiggle my ass in encouragement as I feel his hands spread my cheeks. I can feel his hot breath on me as he leans forward, and his tongue tentatively takes a lick.

I’m patient as he finds his way, his tongue teasing the oh-so-sensitive nerve endings as he licks up and down the crack.  

“Yes! That’s a good boy. That feels lovely. Don’t be afraid to get in deeper. Really make me squirm for you.”

 My encouragement seems to inspire him, ad he starts really lapping at my asshole. I moan and wiggle, feeling the pleasure building and spreading through my body. As his enthusiasm grows, I can feel his tongue sliding deeper and deeper, and finally slipping into my tight hole.

I gasp aloud, and feel him pause. I wonder if maybe he’s surprised and trying to figure out how he feels about what’s happening, but I want more. I push back onto his face.

“Oh fuck. That feels amazing. That’s it. Fill my sweet asshole with your tongue. Be a good tongue slut and rim me good.”

Once he gave in, it’s like he’s been doing this his whole life. He’s a natural with his mouth, pushing his tongue in and out of my ass while he sucks and licks at me.

I’m wiggling and pushing back on his face, ass-fucking his face as my body climbs higher and higher into pleasure.

I feel and orgasm wrack my body and I shudder and moan in bliss before I fall away from his face back onto the bed.

“Mmmm. Thank you, my slut.”

“You’re welcome, Miss.”

The next thing I hear is, “Miss, I’d like to take you to dinner, if you’ll wake up.”

“Mmmm. Where are we going?”

“I thought I’d take you to the Stockyards.”

I’ve heard of it. In fact, it’s exactly where I would have liked to go. It’s a snazzy place, although not the best, but it has the highest reviews and is reputed to have a very active bar crowd.

I lift my head and glance at the clock. 7:30. I’ve slept about an hour and a half. Perfect for a nap.

“Thanks for waking me. What time are reservations?”

“They don’t accept reservations during season,” he replies apologetically. “Would you prefer to go somewhere else?”

“Not at all, I’ll just get dressed ASAP, so we can get over there are start waiting.” I smile. “I’m looking forward to this. I’ve read good things about their food and I’m sure it’s worth the wait.”

What I don’t say is that I think the wait in the bar will also be fun, and I’m looking forward to seeing what more than the menu has to offer.

That’s for him to find out when and if it happens.

I get up and shake my hair out of the towel, a bit annoyed I’d fallen asleep with it up like that, but find that when I dry it completely, it looks just fine, so no harm done.

In fact, it looks better than fine, I assess. Plenty of shine and body, and it falls around my face in gentle waves. I slip into a slim dress and onto some high heels, shifting myself around until I’m happy with what I see.

A bit of eyeshadow to darken my eyes, mascara and a red lipstick, and I’m ready to go.

The 20-minute drive into town goes quickly, Small talk about the beauty of the lake and the history of the homes we pass fills up the time.

The wait at the restaurant is about an hour. He is worried, but I assure him that it will be fine, and suggest that we find a spot at the bar.

Of course, the bar area is packed with people waiting and others just enjoying the night life at the lake. It’s standing room only for a while, but about them minutes into his efforts to buy me a drink, a single stool opens up, and I head towards it.

Seating myself, I accidentally bump the elbow of the man to my right, and he turns. He’s handsome. Broad shoulders and a a friendly face with smoldering eyes. I saw him the moment I walked in.

“Oh! I’m so sorry. It’s so crowded in here, and I was in a hurry to snag the only seat in the place. I see they are at a premium,” I flash him my biggest smile.

“No apologies needed. Do you have a drink yet?” he asks.

“I have one on the way.”

“Excellent news. I’d hate to see a lovely lady like yourself being neglected.”

“Oh, that would never happen,” I assure him, and we continue to exchange pleasantries and flirt while R secures the libations.

When R arrives back, I introduce Jack, “He’s One of the locals of the lake. He was actually born here,” I mention.

“Oh, really?” Asks R without much interest.

“Yes, and I left. Couldn’t wait to get out. But then, it’s dragged me back. I live her about 60% of the time. The rest of the time I’m up in the city at my office or in court.”

“Jack here does corporate law,” I mention. I turn towards Jack, “I bet you kill them at trial with that smile. Is charming all the women on the jury a successful tactic?”

“Oh yes. Works every time!”

Jack and I laugh, and R seems a bit nonplussed.

We chat for a few more minutes until our table is called. As we take our leave, Jack hands me his card with a nod and a wink. I take it with a grin and slip it into my purse.

Once we’re settled at the table, and have our dinner drinks ordered, I say, “Well, that was fun! What a nice guy, don’t you think?”

R is not particularly impressed, and says so.

“Well, what’s not impressive about him? He’s good looking, successful, charming, and helps shelter dogs in his spare time.”

R seems a bit pouty, and mumbles something about betting he has a small penis. I laugh.

“I bet he doesn’t. How much will you bet me?”

I’m watching carefully, because I have my ideas about R, and I’d like to confirm them. I think I see something on his face, then it’s gone as he demurs.

I laugh again and change the topic. I’m not ready to push it, yet.

When the appetizers and dinner have been ordered, we relax a bit. I’m smiling at R, thinking to myself that I really couldn’t have done better. Jack is a good-looking man, but so is R, and R has a few special qualities that I’m looking for and prize in a man.

Or, at least I hope he does.

I look at R, smiling until he looks me in the eyes.

“How do I look, tonight?”

“You look delicious, Miss.”

“Delicious enough to eat?”

“Yes, Miss. Very much so.”

“Delicious enough to eat my ass?”

His voice is quieter. “Yes, Miss.”

“Did you enjoy eating my ass today, tongue slut?”

“Yes, I did, Miss.”

“Tell me.”

He’s getting used to my game, and doesn’t even hesitate.

“I loved eating your ass today, Miss. At first, well, you know I wasn’t sure about it. I thought it would be dirty or gross.

“But when I tasted you, I realized how natural it is. Salty, but you. Just a different part of you. And so real. So female, if you know what I mean. Like I was made to worship every part of a woman’s body, your body, and until that moment, I’d never realized what I was missing. That I was not whole in my service.

“I realized when my tongue slipped inside you that I was doing my duty. I was where I belonged, pleasing you as you chose. I was almost overwhelmed by pride, and when you fell so fast asleep after, I was happy I could provide you such an amazing experience and a restful nap.”

I smile slightly, while inside I’m jumping for joy. I could not have crafted a better answer for him if I’d tried, and he was more than on-track for all of my plans. Now, for the next step.

“Thank you. I’m so glad you’re enjoying yourself. Now, you say I look delicious. Does it make you proud to be out with me tonight?”

“Yes, Miss.

“Does it make you proud that other men find me attractive?”

“Yes, Miss.”

“Does it make you proud that other men want what you have?”

“Yes, Miss.”

“Good. But you were feeling jealous that Jack wanted me, weren’t you?”

His answer is slower this time.

“Yes, Miss. I was.”

“Can you tell me why that is?”

“Well, I’m not sure. I guess he’s good-looking and successful, and I have wanted you for so long. I’m not ready to lose you when I don’t even have you.”

“Fair enough, R. What if I were to tell you that if you follow all of my instructions this weekend that you will get to keep me, possibly forever, and that guys like Jack are not a threat to you?”

He takes some time to respond. He looks like he’s tasted the words, chewing them over in his mind and digesting them. Before he can answer, our appetizers arrive, and we’re distracted by our delectable dishes, and I can tell he’s happy for the reprieve.

I’m ok with discussing the food and giving him a bit of a break.

When the appetizers are cleared, though, I bring us back on topic. “So,” I prompt.

“I find that hard to believe, Miss.”

I’m a bit caught off guard by his reply, and it takes me a moment to recover. “Are you suggesting I’m lying?” I ask.

“No,” he responds slowly, thinking. “Not that. I’m just thinking that we haven’t known each other that long, and it would be very hasty to make such a statement just now. Miss.”

“Fair enough. Thank you for being honest. Would you to hear my view on this?”

“Yes, Miss. I would.”

“So, I’ve long thought you were attractive and interesting and sexy as hell. I’ve also enjoyed getting to know you as we’ve worked together, and have learned a lot about you through observation and how the people around you speak.

“I’ve also had a few personal theories that you would suit me in… other… ways. This weekend is the beginning of exploring those ways, and so far, you suit me quite well, thank you very much.”

I smile, and he smiles back at me.

The waiter comes, bringing our main dishes, and the conversation is interrupted again, but i”m pleased with the stopping point, and don’t rush to bring it back up again until dinner’s plates have been cleared away.

“So, with all of that said, if you continue to please me, and you want to continue in the same sort of relationship, I see no reason that we will not be able to make a long-term go of this.

“Do you understand me?”

“Yes, Miss.”

“Do you see where I’ve thought this through, and understand what I’m offering?”

“Yes, Miss.”

“Do you want that?”

“Yes, Miss. I do. Very much.”

“Ok. so, as to the second part?”

R looks a bit confused, so I clarify, “And that Jack is not a threat to you?”

“That’s a bit more difficult to understand, Miss.”

“Well, to be perfectly clear, he is not you. He does not have what I want in a man.” I pause to let me point sink in.

“What he has is surface good looks, charm, desire for me, and possibly a huge cock. That’s it.”

I smile inside a bit as I watch his face fall. I already know that R is not too “gifted” in the cock department, because he’d dated a mutual acquaintance, and I’d pumped her for information one night when she had one too many. He’s about average, but often can’t get it quite working. And that’s just fine by me.

His cock is not his biggest asset in my considerations. Not even in my top ten.

I go on, “So, at most, he’s fun to flirt with, to play with, but could never replace you, if you live up to all I expect of you.”

I watch R’s face, and I can tell he wants to believe, but he’s just not sure.

I make my move.

“In fact, I bet if you really think about it, knowing that a guy like Jack wants the woman who left him sitting at the bar for you turn you on.”

Watching him, I see the exact moment he realizes I’m right and accepts that. He looks at me with a bit of wonder in his eyes.

“And, I bet that thinking about it now, thinking about what might have happened if he knew that I am not wearing underwear is turning you on right now.”

I looked away at the waiter coming to the table, but watched R out of the corner of my eye. I could see him blush and I know for a fact I hit the nail not he head. His not-so-subtle squirming and adjustments under the table while we order dessert only add to the glee I’m hiding.

When the waiter leaves, I continue, “Doesn’t that turn you on?”

“Yes, Miss. It does.”

“Does it turn you on to know that Jack could have slipped his hand up my leg and touched the wet pussy you licked so expertly for me just a few hours ago? That no one would have seen as he touched the cunt that owns you this weekend?”

The answer is stronger this time, as is his blush.

“Yes, Miss.”

I smile and sigh happily, looking into his eyes.

“We’ll get along just fine, then. Thank you for being honest with me. I know it can be hard to admit things like this, and I appreciate you even more for your bravery.”

“You are very welcome, Miss.”

After dessert, we drive back to the house. It’s late, almost midnight by the time we leave, and I doze a bit in the car, but when we get to the house, I’m awake again and needing something to take the edge off.

I have the perfect thing.

I invite R to my room with me, and strip off my dress in a single move, leaving me naked except for my heels, which I kick off.

“R,” I begin.

“Yes, Miss?”

“Please get into that smaller bag for me, and pull out the massage wand and cords.”

He does, handing it to me, as I walk to the bed.

“Please plug it in for me.”

He follows my directions, then stands by the side of the bed. I lay down, and make myself comfortable, turning the wand on low, and positioning it over my clit.

“Mmmm. That feels good. I love my wand. The perfect thing to take the edge off at the end of a long day.”

“I could do that for you, Miss. With my mouth.”

“Thank you for the offer, R. I appreciate it. Your work this weekend is not yet over, and I will, in fact, have a task for you this evening, but for now, I’m going to use my wand on myself.

“If you’d like to sit beside me and massage me as I get myself off, I’ll allow that for now.

“Would you like that?”

“Yes, Miss.”

“Good boy.”

The vibration of the wand against m clit is both soothing and building my arousal. As R’s warm hands touch me and begin to touch me with certainty and assurance, I let myself relax fully and just give into to the sensations.

His hands are running over my body, slipping along my ribs, brushing my breasts, and kneading my thighs. I turn up the power a bit on my wand, so it’s on medium, and feel my pleasure rise along with it.

It’s still not putting me over the edge, but it’s building, and it feels so damn good. His hands touching just create different areas of sensitivity. I never know quite where they are going, and the pleasure and surprise just add to the layers of sensation.

“Do you want to taste me?” I ask.

“I’d love to taste you. Yes, Miss.”

“Play with my breasts with your mouth and hands. Suck them, lick them, nibble them, worship them while I cum.”

“Yes, Miss.”

His voice is reverent and breathy as he starts softly touching my breasts, raising goosebumps and tightening my nipples.

I turn up the wand once more, to high.

“I want your mouth on my nipple, now. I want you sucking my breast as I cum.”

He complies, and I feel everything triple and a haze of sexual fervency comes over me. I press the wand into my cunt, feeling the vibrations send me higher and higher while his warm, wet mouth closes on my breast and he suckles hungrily.

My body is shuddering, shaking. My hips are bucking into the wand. I’m using one hand to hold it steady and the other is pressing his face into my breast as he suckles and licks me.

“Ohhh. Oh fuck yes! I’m going to cum. I love feeling your mouth on me, while I get off. I love thinking about the big cock Jack must have while you pleasure me.”

For a moment, R feels like he is pulling back, probably in shock that I mentioned Jack, but I firmly hold his head in place, and after a few seconds, he relaxes and redoubles his efforts, moaning slightly with desire and need.

I’m right! I know I’m right.

The knowledge and power get me off, sending lightening bolts through my body as I cum and cum hard, holding my cuckold-to-be’s face tight to my breast as I masturbate thinking of another man’s cock.

If You Can't Spell It, You Probably Can't Do It Worth A Damn

A letter to the men who write women on FetLife, CollarSpace, OkCupid, and other social sites:

Dear RandomWanker6969,

If you want to chat or arrange to meet, please attempt to write decently. Use full words.

If you can't be bothered to type out the entire three letters of the words 'you' 'one' and 'are', we (the ladies of the internet whom you are trying to bone) are going to assume that you're too lazy to do so.

If you're too lazy to type out a three letter word while trying to get sex, We're going to assume that you're too lazy to put effort into sex itself.

And we won't have sex with you.

Sheesh! It's not like we're expecting Dante or Shakespeare from ya'll.

You'll likely find the women on these sites (including me) are interested in chatting and getting to know you a bit before getting "freaky on ya ass," if indeed you are worthy of the honor (which we doubt 99.9% of the time). If you want instant sex, you may want to try paying for it.

Oh, and that trick of writing and asking to be "friends" for all of three messages (if we're lucky) before asking sexual questions and trying to get cyber or wank material...

Yeah, we know that one.

Men posing as women know that one, too. Although they are about 1,000 times more likely to give in and offer up the sex you want. After all, it's a cheap thrill.

When on social sites, especially ones with a chat or groups or forums, your best bet is to join the conversation and get to know a girl before asking her to fulfill your every sick fantasy.

Even when it's also our sick fantasy.

Also, it's best to work on ladies that are actually single or looking. It's just like real life that way, really.

smiles sweetly

And no, showing us a picture of your cock is not going to change our minds.

Neither will suddenly deciding we're ugly cunts with STIs and stating that you were only being charitable. Those things just prove that we were right to begin with in turning down your lame ass proposals.

We'll also laugh about it with our friends.


(and the women of the internet)


If you can't spell it, you probably can't do it worth a damn.

If you can't spell the sex act which you want us to engage in, we probably won't do it with you.

If you can't spell the body part you want to see, we likely won't show it to you.

Honestly, I've had messages where the word 'fuck' was spelled wrong....

Resting Sadist Face

So, apparently, I have resting sadist face. It was decided last night. People are afraid of me.

"Your at rest face has the 'I want to hurt you look,'" apparently.

Which is interesting to me, because I'm not a sadist. Really. I can't convince anyone of this, but it's true.

I only like hurting people that like to be hurt. The want to be hurt. That I'm connected with in some way.

And even then, I don't have a thing for hurting people. I rarely leave real marks. To me, it's all about the energy exchange and what we share, not about the pain, per se. Sensuality is a part. Laughter is a part. Friendship is a part.

I'm not even a service top.

But I have resting sadist face.

And I'm not afraid to use that to my advantage and get my way.


Resting Sadist Face

So, apparently, I have resting sadist face. It was decided last night. People are afraid of me.

"Your at rest face has the 'I want to hurt you look,'" apparently.

Which is interesting to me, because I'm not a sadist. Really. I can't convince anyone of this, but it's true.

I only like hurting people that like to be hurt. The want to be hurt. That I'm connected with in some way.

And even then, I don't have a thing for hurting people. I rarely leave real marks. To me, it's all about the energy exchange and what we share, not about the pain, per se. Sensuality is a part. Laughter is a part. Friendship is a part.

I'm not even a service top.

But I have resting sadist face.

And I'm not afraid to use that to my advantage and get my way.


Resting Sadist Face

So, apparently, I have resting sadist face. It was decided last night. People are afraid of me.

"Your at rest face has the 'I want to hurt you look,'" apparently.

Which is interesting to me, because I'm not a sadist. Really. I can't convince anyone of this, but it's true.

I only like hurting people that like to be hurt. The want to be hurt. That I'm connected with in some way.

And even then, I don't have a thing for hurting people. I rarely leave real marks. To me, it's all about the energy exchange and what we share, not about the pain, per se. Sensuality is a part. Laughter is a part. Friendship is a part.

I'm not even a service top.

But I have resting sadist face.

And I'm not afraid to use that to my advantage and get my way.


Resting Sadist Face

So, apparently, I have resting sadist face. It was decided last night. People are afraid of me.

"Your at rest face has the 'I want to hurt you look,'" apparently.

Which is interesting to me, because I'm not a sadist. Really. I can't convince anyone of this, but it's true.

I only like hurting people that like to be hurt. The want to be hurt. That I'm connected with in some way.

And even then, I don't have a thing for hurting people. I rarely leave real marks. To me, it's all about the energy exchange and what we share, not about the pain, per se. Sensuality is a part. Laughter is a part. Friendship is a part.

I'm not even a service top.

But I have resting sadist face.

And I'm not afraid to use that to my advantage and get my way.


Resting Sadist Face

So, apparently, I have resting sadist face. It was decided last night. People are afraid of me.

"Your at rest face has the 'I want to hurt you look,'" apparently.

Which is interesting to me, because I'm not a sadist. Really. I can't convince anyone of this, but it's true.

I only like hurting people that like to be hurt. The want to be hurt. That I'm connected with in some way.

And even then, I don't have a thing for hurting people. I rarely leave real marks. To me, it's all about the energy exchange and what we share, not about the pain, per se. Sensuality is a part. Laughter is a part. Friendship is a part.

I'm not even a service top.

But I have resting sadist face.

And I'm not afraid to use that to my advantage and get my way.


Resting Sadist Face

So, apparently, I have resting sadist face. It was decided last night. People are afraid of me.

"Your at rest face has the 'I want to hurt you look,'" apparently.

Which is interesting to me, because I'm not a sadist. Really. I can't convince anyone of this, but it's true.

I only like hurting people that like to be hurt. The want to be hurt. That I'm connected with in some way.

And even then, I don't have a thing for hurting people. I rarely leave real marks. To me, it's all about the energy exchange and what we share, not about the pain, per se. Sensuality is a part. Laughter is a part. Friendship is a part.

I'm not even a service top.

But I have resting sadist face.

And I'm not afraid to use that to my advantage and get my way.


Resting Sadist Face

So, apparently, I have resting sadist face. It was decided last night. People are afraid of me.

"Your at rest face has the 'I want to hurt you look,'" apparently.

Which is interesting to me, because I'm not a sadist. Really. I can't convince anyone of this, but it's true.

I only like hurting people that like to be hurt. The want to be hurt. That I'm connected with in some way.

And even then, I don't have a thing for hurting people. I rarely leave real marks. To me, it's all about the energy exchange and what we share, not about the pain, per se. Sensuality is a part. Laughter is a part. Friendship is a part.

I'm not even a service top.

But I have resting sadist face.

And I'm not afraid to use that to my advantage and get my way.


Resting Sadist Face

So, apparently, I have resting sadist face. It was decided last night. People are afraid of me.

"Your at rest face has the 'I want to hurt you look,'" apparently.

Which is interesting to me, because I'm not a sadist. Really. I can't convince anyone of this, but it's true.

I only like hurting people that like to be hurt. The want to be hurt. That I'm connected with in some way.

And even then, I don't have a thing for hurting people. I rarely leave real marks. To me, it's all about the energy exchange and what we share, not about the pain, per se. Sensuality is a part. Laughter is a part. Friendship is a part.

I'm not even a service top.

But I have resting sadist face.

And I'm not afraid to use that to my advantage and get my way.


Resting Sadist Face

So, apparently, I have resting sadist face. It was decided last night. People are afraid of me.

"Your at rest face has the 'I want to hurt you look,'" apparently.

Which is interesting to me, because I'm not a sadist. Really. I can't convince anyone of this, but it's true.

I only like hurting people that like to be hurt. The want to be hurt. That I'm connected with in some way.

And even then, I don't have a thing for hurting people. I rarely leave real marks. To me, it's all about the energy exchange and what we share, not about the pain, per se. Sensuality is a part. Laughter is a part. Friendship is a part.

I'm not even a service top.

But I have resting sadist face.

And I'm not afraid to use that to my advantage and get my way.


Resting Sadist Face

So, apparently, I have resting sadist face. It was decided last night. People are afraid of me.

"Your at rest face has the 'I want to hurt you look,'" apparently.

Which is interesting to me, because I'm not a sadist. Really. I can't convince anyone of this, but it's true.

I only like hurting people that like to be hurt. The want to be hurt. That I'm connected with in some way.

And even then, I don't have a thing for hurting people. I rarely leave real marks. To me, it's all about the energy exchange and what we share, not about the pain, per se. Sensuality is a part. Laughter is a part. Friendship is a part.

I'm not even a service top.

But I have resting sadist face.

And I'm not afraid to use that to my advantage and get my way.


Orgasm Gap? BAH! Not For Me, Thanks!

You've probably heard of it. The Orgasm Gap. It's the difference between how easy it is for men to get off and how they get off during sex, leaving women everywhere high and... ahem... dry.

How does this happen?

I mean, I know it does. I'm not knocking anyone's experience, and there are actual articles with sources n'shit written about it, so it's definitely a thing.

So, why haven't I ever experienced it? I have never chosen a lover that did not get me off. I have never had a lover who did not leave me sexually satisfied.

That's not to say all men are created equal. Some are ok. They give me orgasms, and I like it. Some are:


Tranceptor is one of those.

But I digress.

I've always felt that as a woman, I have the better deal. Even before I was multiorgasmic, I thought so.

I mean, I can get myself off rubbing on a leg. And when I have, it doesn't take long for me to want to get off again. And I'm not useless after getting off. I can still pleasure my partner, even when I've cum. Hard.

But I've always gotten a lot out of teasing guys. Even when I was young, I loved the idea of being a cock tease.

I take a lot of pleasure just playing with cock. And I do play. I smile and laugh and just really enjoy getting to know the cock.

I've never been particularly passive in sex. And just toying with a boy for an hour or two can get me hot and wet and ready to orgasm.

But that's not all.

I also will show a man how to make me orgasm, or move my body under his mouth or hands to get myself off.

And, as I've gotten older, I've found more and more ways to get off. Which is great!

Even when I was young, though, orgasm happened at at least an even pace, even when it took me a long time. It never occurred to me that it shouldn't.

So, why are so many women experiencing this gap?

I don't know. Are most men really that clueless? That selfish? And if so, why don't women know this before deciding to sleep with them?

It seems like that would be a deal breaker to getting a dick stuck in me.

Maybe it's that I rarely do super-casual sex or one-night stands. I tend to take my time getting to know a person's body language and overall behavior before having sex.

Not that it takes me forever. Just that I spend some time really focusing on their overall sensuality, and whether I think their energy will fit my bill...

So to speak. *grins*

So I am 100% sure a man will please me in bed before I go to bed with him. And I've not been wrong so far.

Do you experience the gap? Why do you think it happens? What can we do as women to close the gap for ourselves and for others?

Because when it comes to the Orgasm Gap, I'll pass.

Why Do You Give A Fuck What Label I Use?

I do not identify as "Domme" on Fet.

I don't think it is a clear enough picture of who I am. I like so many different sub-classifications that I simply chose kinkster as my label.

As such, I get a lot of questions, and quite a few propositions. And when I turn them down, I often get a snide comment about my label.

Thing is, I'm not special.

This label yourself according to MY definition thing is crazy prabout damn near everything)

  • Silly
  • Introspective
  • And yadda, yadda.

    Yet, people write to me for THE SECKS, and when I turn them down, tell me I must not enjoy sex and must hate men.

    Or ask me to top them, and when I say, "I am not a service top, I really only get pleasure from topping those I love, and frankly, I don't know how to safely whip you," tell me I'm not a kinkster.

    And then there are those, who when see me bottoming for rope or fire or whatever, say things like, "I thought you were dominant."

    I say I love and prefer alpha submissives, and people go of on a rail about how alpha submissives is a label designed to make other submissives feel inferior for not being alpha... WTF? Seriously?

    Why do you give a fuck what label I use?

    • Does kinkster make me more or less something than you think I should be?
    • Do you think that me saying I am dominant is an agreement to never enjoy getting my hair pulled during sex again?
    • Does saying I love sex mean to you that I mus then have sex with every human that ever approaches me, ever, or I lose my "I <3 The Sex" card?
    • Does saying I enjoy cuckolds mean that I don't like other labels, or I think they are inferior?

    Honestly, kinkster does not fully describe me.

    If I had my druthers, I'd choose Epicurean.

    It's a philosophy of pleasure as the highest form of good. Hot as in hedonism, but in understanding that living moderately and choosing pleasures carefully is more important than excess and the harm that is cause to oneself and others as a result.

    According to Epicurus, with whom a person eats is of greater importance than what is eaten. Unnecessary and, especially, artificially produced desires were to be suppressed.

    I agree. Who one sexes with, tops with, bottoms with, cuckolds with, humiliates with, sillies with, dominates with explores with and introspects with is more important than the acts themselves.

    But, as Epicurean was not available, I did as my dear friend Kiba says, and chose kinkster "because it was the closest thing to 'yes' in the drop-down menu."

    And still, I ask:

    Why do you give a fuck what label I use? Or what label others use?

    I'm curious. How do YOU see me (there are no wrong answers, just perceptions)? I'm open to all, positive and negative.

    And how do you label yourself? And why?

    'I Think' Vs. 'I Feel': My Response

    In response to this original writing prompt


    I did some research on low context/'I think' versus high context/'I feel' speakers, and I learned something very interesting.

    They are representative of different cultures.

    Low context— 'I Think'—people

    Low context people tend to be from varied cultures. Large cities, moving a lot, smaller family units, multiple nationalities and languages represented.

    High context— 'I Feel'—people

    High context people tend to be from more homogeneous cultures. Smaller towns, growing up in one place, larger close-knit family units, and one-language type cultures.

    Which I find fascinating.

    While I did not spend a lot of my time in Large cities growing up, my life was very multicultural:

    • Small family unit: I was the only child of two only children.
    • University towns (my father is a professor): Many different cultures and languages.
    • Multiple nationalities: Not only did my grandparents host exchange students, we hosted traveling professors and had many exchange students over (Dad's grad student from China convinced me to try chopsticks at the age of 6).
    • Multiple languages: I learned four languages when I was younger (I can barely speak them now, but I could pick them back up quickly, I believe).
    • I grew up around gays, poly, cross-dressers, trans, theater people, and philosophers, LOL!

    I am primarily low-context/'I think'. I learned that not everybody thinks and feels the same way I do early on, and realized the assumptions made in high-context/'I feel' speaking and listening do not translate well to other cultures.

    And that's exactly it.

    The challenge is translation.

    A high context speaking from an Italian family with a deep-rooted culture of dramatism and joviality will confuse the heck out of a high-context speaker from an Asian country where reserve and respect are the primary signs of love and affection.

    Because they might be saying the same words but the assumptions are different.

    So, I tend towards low context.

    Does that mean I think high-context/'I feel' is a bad thing?

    Not at all.

    I think it is incredibly valuable for bonding groups.

    Here are a few examples of bonding in high context:

    • Pet names
    • Shared "looks"
    • Training signals
    • Private or "in" jokes
    • Ways to say "I love you" that aren't "I love you."
    • Shorthand speech, where all you have to say is that ONE word, and your partner or group knows exactly what you are referring to.

    All of these things are very present in my life. I cherish every bit of them.

    I do not expect to say "locust," and have all of you bust out laughing. I do know a small handful of people that will, though, and they know exactly why.

    I would not include that joke in trying to make a point, because the majority of people who read what I have to say would have no clue, and I would not be communicating.

    So, what is my answer?

    Low context/'I think' is for writing on the internet, communicating with strangers and acquaintances, business transactions.

    As I get to know a person better, I learn their language and they learn mine. We grow higher context together, translating when we get confused, popping down into low context when we need to clarify, then back up once we're on the same page.

    Or, we slip in and out, using low-context/'I think' when speaking in deeply complex or emotional topics, and high context in lovvey-wuvvey stuff.

    It's not perfect.

    This does not always work with high-context-all-of-the-time people. And I do my best to work with them, asking what they mean if I am not understanding, and stating exactly what I mean.

    I am still not always able to communicate my actual thoughts and feelings clearly, because in many people's world, it is not possible for a person to say directly what they mean.

    And I'll admit, that bothers me.

    And I work on it.

    A lot.

    I keep an open mind. I say, "Your feelings are valid, and you obviously have a reason for feeling that way. I'm sorry I upset you. Let's talk about this, because when I said XYZ, I really meant exactly that, not LMNOP. We can figure this out together, and I'm happy to keep working on it."

    And I do.

    And sometimes, we manage to translate each other well enough to laugh later over our misunderstandings.

    And that's good enough for me.

    Why I Never Delete Comments On My Writings

    You are warned.

    There are only two reasons (that I can think of) that I would delete comments:

    • A comment specifically outs another person by name
    • A comment says something that I would consider both illegal and dangerous, and FetLife staff deletes it after I've reported it.

    Neither of these things have ever happened, so I have never deleted a comment.

    Other than those two very specific instances, what you say is what you say, and it's up there for as long as I have my profile and my writings.

    Here are some reasons I've been asked to delete comments:

    Someone attacked me.

    Bah! I can handle it. I'd rather it be out there, in the record for all to see. I'm transparent like that. You get to see my good, bad, and ugly in how I deal with people trying to get a rise out of me for whatever personal reasons they have.

    Someone attacked another poster.

    You can handle it, too. You're an adult and you have been called names before by anonymous internet twats. Attack back, or don't. All your choice.

    You attacked me and someone came to my defense, and you want your comments to stand because write and theirs to be removed because mean.

    Same as above. Nope. I don't encourage my friends to defend me. If they do it, it often annoys me, actually, and amuses me. Sometimes in equal parts... But in any case, I won't delete either one of you. Everyone has a right to their opinions.

    You were wrong, and you think it makes you look stupid.

    Sorry. I've been wrong WAY too many times in my life to have much sympathy. We all say and do stupid shit. Own up to it an apologize, or just slink away. It's all cool with me.

    You emotioned all over, and you think it makes you look bad.

    Maybe it does. Maybe other people will totally relate to that emotioning, and you'll connect. You never know.

    Because you made up words.

    Have you noticed I do that all that time? Emotioning? Didn't catch that? Actually, I didn't get that one. But I have gotten requests because of grammar mistakes. Nope. Not that, either.

    Here's the main reason I won't:

    It's part of a genuine conversation, on-topic or not, asshole-y or not. You've put yourself out there, and life does not have a delete button.

    I cherish realness, authenticity. I cherish the mistakes I make and what I learn from them. I cherish the mistakes you make and what I learn from them.

    I love life and words and conversation, in all their messiness, oopsies, WTFs and more.

    So, be aware when you comment that your comment will stand as long as pixels rule the internet, cat memes are making people smile, and I'm a kinky fucker who likes to share my strong opinions with random freaks everywhere.


    Writing Prompt: 'I Think' Vs. 'I Feel'

    This is a longer preamble to a writing prompt than I've done before, because I want to be sure that the context is clear.


    Two VERY different ways of looking at things. We all do some of both, but some people are much more inclined towards one or the other, and many tend to view their non-dominant processing style as suspect, somehow.

    I think...

    'I think' people are the logicians. The ones who do their research, and look for things like facts, studies, and science.

    They prefer to lay things out as orderly as possible, and draw their conclusions based on what they find, intersections of information, and the like.

    I feel...

    'I feel' people are the emotionaries (as I call them) They check their gut, and their feelings about what they see and hear.

    They prefer to go with how they feel versus what they might know for sure. Facts don't necessarily sway them, because their feelings are their priority.

    The Challenge

    Just yesterday, I was talking with a new friend who has moved to the south from up north, and is in a period of adjustment. We were discussing how different the primary communication styles are in the two areas.

    Low Context: Lets their words speak for themselves. Prefers to be more direct, relying on what is explicitly stated in their speech. Low contexters, by nature, tend to be 'I think' people. They will say what they mean, wanting to be as clear as possible.

    High Context: Recognizes (and routinely uses) implied messages, aware of the verbal and nonverbal cues that let them understand the speaker's meaning. High contexters, by nature, tend to be 'I feel' people. They will rely on people picking up on non-verbal cues, like they do.

    The two styles can have a difficult time communicating, because high-contexters say what they mean, and are often baffled when others read so much more into their statements than what is said. Low-contexters are subtle, and get frustrated when what they say is not recieved, when they feel like they have "said it over and over."

    more on high vs. low context communication styles

    The Prompt

    • So, which are you?
    • What challenges have you faced?
    • What have you done to make your communication with other styles more effective?

    Feel free to write in the comments or in your own journal and link here (so others can read it), or just think on it or write on it and keep it to yourself, if you prefer.

    I have already started my piece (just like always) and I'll post it soon. I don't want to influence anyone, though, as I love the idea of getting your honest and gut-instinct responses.

    Write a sentence. Or a paragraph. Or an essay. Or whatever this is to you. Talk it out. Make it yours.

    I'm looking forward to reading your responses!

    Writing Prompt: 'I Think' Vs. 'I Feel'

    This is a longer preamble to a writing prompt than I've done before, because I want to be sure that the context is clear.


    Two VERY different ways of looking at things. We all do some of both, but some people are much more inclined towards one or the other, and many tend to view their non-dominant processing style as suspect, somehow.

    I think...

    'I think' people are the logicians. The ones who do their research, and look for things like facts, studies, and science.

    They prefer to lay things out as orderly as possible, and draw their conclusions based on what they find, intersections of information, and the like.

    I feel...

    'I feel' people are the emotionaries (as I call them) They check their gut, and their feelings about what they see and hear.

    They prefer to go with how they feel versus what they might know for sure. Facts don't necessarily sway them, because their feelings are their priority.

    The Challenge

    Just yesterday, I was talking with a new friend who has moved to the south from up north, and is in a period of adjustment. We were discussing how different the primary communication styles are in the two areas.

    Low Context: Lets their words speak for themselves. Prefers to be more direct, relying on what is explicitly stated in their speech. Low contexters, by nature, tend to be 'I think' people. They will say what they mean, wanting to be as clear as possible.

    High Context: Recognizes (and routinely uses) implied messages, aware of the verbal and nonverbal cues that let them understand the speaker's meaning. High contexters, by nature, tend to be 'I feel' people. They will rely on people picking up on non-verbal cues, like they do.

    The two styles can have a difficult time communicating, because high-contexters say what they mean, and are often baffled when others read so much more into their statements than what is said. Low-contexters are subtle, and get frustrated when what they say is not recieved, when they feel like they have "said it over and over."

    more on high vs. low context communication styles

    The Prompt

    • So, which are you?
    • What challenges have you faced?
    • What have you done to make your communication with other styles more effective?

    Feel free to write in the comments or in your own journal and link here (so others can read it), or just think on it or write on it and keep it to yourself, if you prefer.

    I have already started my piece (just like always) and I'll post it soon. I don't want to influence anyone, though, as I love the idea of getting your honest and gut-instinct responses.

    Write a sentence. Or a paragraph. Or an essay. Or whatever this is to you. Talk it out. Make it yours.

    I'm looking forward to reading your responses!

    Writing Prompt: 'I Think' Vs. 'I Feel'

    This is a longer preamble to a writing prompt than I've done before, because I want to be sure that the context is clear.


    Two VERY different ways of looking at things. We all do some of both, but some people are much more inclined towards one or the other, and many tend to view their non-dominant processing style as suspect, somehow.

    I think...

    'I think' people are the logicians. The ones who do their research, and look for things like facts, studies, and science.

    They prefer to lay things out as orderly as possible, and draw their conclusions based on what they find, intersections of information, and the like.

    I feel...

    'I feel' people are the emotionaries (as I call them) They check their gut, and their feelings about what they see and hear.

    They prefer to go with how they feel versus what they might know for sure. Facts don't necessarily sway them, because their feelings are their priority.

    The Challenge

    Just yesterday, I was talking with a new friend who has moved to the south from up north, and is in a period of adjustment. We were discussing how different the primary communication styles are in the two areas.

    Low Context: Lets their words speak for themselves. Prefers to be more direct, relying on what is explicitly stated in their speech. Low contexters, by nature, tend to be 'I think' people. They will say what they mean, wanting to be as clear as possible.

    High Context: Recognizes (and routinely uses) implied messages, aware of the verbal and nonverbal cues that let them understand the speaker's meaning. High contexters, by nature, tend to be 'I feel' people. They will rely on people picking up on non-verbal cues, like they do.

    The two styles can have a difficult time communicating, because high-contexters say what they mean, and are often baffled when others read so much more into their statements than what is said. Low-contexters are subtle, and get frustrated when what they say is not recieved, when they feel like they have "said it over and over."

    more on high vs. low context communication styles

    The Prompt

    • So, which are you?
    • What challenges have you faced?
    • What have you done to make your communication with other styles more effective?

    Feel free to write in the comments or in your own journal and link here (so others can read it), or just think on it or write on it and keep it to yourself, if you prefer.

    I have already started my piece (just like always) and I'll post it soon. I don't want to influence anyone, though, as I love the idea of getting your honest and gut-instinct responses.

    Write a sentence. Or a paragraph. Or an essay. Or whatever this is to you. Talk it out. Make it yours.

    I'm looking forward to reading your responses!

    Writing Prompt: 'I Think' Vs. 'I Feel'

    This is a longer preamble to a writing prompt than I've done before, because I want to be sure that the context is clear.


    Two VERY different ways of looking at things. We all do some of both, but some people are much more inclined towards one or the other, and many tend to view their non-dominant processing style as suspect, somehow.

    I think...

    'I think' people are the logicians. The ones who do their research, and look for things like facts, studies, and science.

    They prefer to lay things out as orderly as possible, and draw their conclusions based on what they find, intersections of information, and the like.

    I feel...

    'I feel' people are the emotionaries (as I call them) They check their gut, and their feelings about what they see and hear.

    They prefer to go with how they feel versus what they might know for sure. Facts don't necessarily sway them, because their feelings are their priority.

    The Challenge

    Just yesterday, I was talking with a new friend who has moved to the south from up north, and is in a period of adjustment. We were discussing how different the primary communication styles are in the two areas.

    Low Context: Lets their words speak for themselves. Prefers to be more direct, relying on what is explicitly stated in their speech. Low contexters, by nature, tend to be 'I think' people. They will say what they mean, wanting to be as clear as possible.

    High Context: Recognizes (and routinely uses) implied messages, aware of the verbal and nonverbal cues that let them understand the speaker's meaning. High contexters, by nature, tend to be 'I feel' people. They will rely on people picking up on non-verbal cues, like they do.

    The two styles can have a difficult time communicating, because high-contexters say what they mean, and are often baffled when others read so much more into their statements than what is said. Low-contexters are subtle, and get frustrated when what they say is not recieved, when they feel like they have "said it over and over."

    more on high vs. low context communication styles

    The Prompt

    • So, which are you?
    • What challenges have you faced?
    • What have you done to make your communication with other styles more effective?

    Feel free to write in the comments or in your own journal and link here (so others can read it), or just think on it or write on it and keep it to yourself, if you prefer.

    I have already started my piece (just like always) and I'll post it soon. I don't want to influence anyone, though, as I love the idea of getting your honest and gut-instinct responses.

    Write a sentence. Or a paragraph. Or an essay. Or whatever this is to you. Talk it out. Make it yours.

    I'm looking forward to reading your responses!

    Paraphrasing Is An Amazing, Valuable Tool When Used Right (Thoughts On Communication, Part VII)

    In my recent "Communication For Couples" workshop, I taught how I like to use paraphrasing in response to stated opinions and needs from my partner:

    Partner: I am feeling yadda yadda when you bazinga because Rumplestilskin.

    Me (paraphrasing): You feel blah blah when I whoopdeedoo because supercalifragilisticexpialadocious. Am I understanding?

    Partner (digesting and thinking for a minute): Not exactly. More like I'm feeling and so on and so forth when you yippee because McDomlypants.

    Me (paraphrasing again): Ok. So you feel rah rah when I she bop bop bop bop because ramalamadingdong.

    Partner: Yes.

    Me: Is there more you can tell me?

    And so on. Repeat until my partner feels like I understand and have nothing more to tell me.

    This is paraphrasing in a positive way. The goal is to use my own words to re-express what a person says and feels, to deepen and show my personal understanding.

    OR... and this is critical... to find out what I've misunderstood.

    Because NO ADULT in the history of the human race (and most children of verbal age and up) has never been wrong.

    No one.

    So, paraphrasing ideas and concepts into your own words is useful when you are using it as a tool to actually bridge the communications gap.

    Paraphrasing is also manipulative, self-centered, and often wrong.

    It can be used as a way to invalid another person's emotions and position. It allows us (yes, I say us, because I still guard against this behavior) to wrap another person's statements in our own biases, hurts and assumptions, and set up our own personal windmills for tilting.

    The problem is, it hurts them and us. And it hurts trust and communication.

    Let's look at an example:

    Partner: I am feeling yadda yadda when you bazinga because Rumplestilskin.

    Me (paraphrasing): You mean you want to break up with me?

    Partner: No. More I'm feeling and so on and so forth when you yippee because McDomlypants.

    Me (paraphrasing): I can't believe you're saying this. I thought we'd be together forever.

    Partner: I'm not breaking up with you. I'm just trying to express some feelings.

    Me: You don't even know what you're saying. What you're really saying is that you want to break up. I can tell. I can hear it in your voice. See it in your face.

    Partner: I don't want to break up with you. I'm just having a hard time...

    Me: Why would you want to be with someone who treats you so horribly?

    In this case, paraphrasing is used as fact. Not as a tool to communicate, but as a club to beat the other person over the head emotionally for daring to express any negativity.

    It invalidates their feelings, and forces other feelings onto them that they had no interest in.

    Have you ever...?

    Been a victim of paraphrasing by someone who refused to acknowledge your actual thoughts and feelings?

    Been the perpetrator, so caught up in your head and your fears and your biases that you unwittingly invalidated a friend's or loved one's feelings and thoughts?

    I admit: I've been both, sadly.

    Dirty Talk, Step I: Some Thoughts On Sexual Fantasies

    So, on a dominance forum I participate in (not a kinky site), there has been quite a bit of discussion recently about dirty talk and how to do it, how to get comfortable dirty talking, and so on.

    Now, I'll tell you, dirty talk is a favorite of mine. I really like to bring it into play, but it was not always this way. In fact, I was quite shy of it to start with.

    Frankly, I felt like an idiot.


    Anyway, these guys are having similar issues, and I suggested the following steps:

    Here are the steps I've taken:

    1. Talk about fantasies and turn-ons with my partner.
    2. Ask detailed questions. Find out not just the fantasies, but WHAT about those fantasies is hot.
    3. Merge those fantasies with my own desires.
    4. Speak.

    Because they have always worked for me.

    BUT... The issue was:

    I've asked my wife about her fantasies before (years ago) and I always got a noncommittal answer. “Oh, I don't know, I don't think I have any, blah blah blah.”

    Have any of you ever asked your partner for sexual fantasies and gotten nada, zilch, zip?


    There's a reason for that.

    WARNING: I'm going to generalize here for a bit. And understand that when I generalize, I mean generalize, because it's easier to make a point with two scenarios that cover 90% of the population than to try to write out 8,000 scenarios that cover 99.9% of the population. You've been warned.

    Getting Them To Open Up About Their Fantasies

    Here's the thing with fantasies: Ask some people what their fantasies are, they can lay out 129, in order of preference, know what they are willing to do for each, and describe to you what each player is wearing/doing/saying down to the last detail.

    Other people's fantasies tend to be a bit more... amorphous. It's about how things make us FEEL, rather than what we see in our head.

    The visual thing versus the feeling thing. I'm sure you've heard that one.

    For example, if you were to ask me directly about fantasies, I would pretty much give you a blank. Partially because of that above (although I write them out quite a bit), partially because I'm living my fantasies every day, partially because it's hard to put what I want to feel into words in a way that my partner will understand... he wants the screenplay, not the synopsis.

    So, if you're trying to elicit fantasies from someone who is a bit more of a feeler (male or female or anything between or outside of that), I'd try another tact.

    Ask them about their favorite sexy movies. Have them share their favorite scenes. Ask about sexy books. Read those together.

    Another good way to pull out fantasies is to talk about your past experiences together. What have been their favorite experiences with you?

    If you're comfortable, talk about sexual experiences before you got together as well.

    Find out what makes these things so hot to your partner. Leverage those things. Those feelings. Those ideas.

    We'll talk more about having that discussion in the next step.

    I'm later with this than I intended... Time got away from me.

    I've battled for a few months with hackers on my web servers, and finally got them cleaned up about two weeks ago. Now, I'm trying to catch up with everything, and I am finding more and more that I need to do...

    But enough excuses.

    Valentine's Day Is A Good Reminder

    So, about a year ago, I wrote a piece that sums up my thoughts about romance and love:

    How Do I Say...?

    I cannot think of a single word, or series of words, no matter how long, that will convey everything I have inside my heart and my head for you.

    Except one.

    Our entire existence. From the moment we met. THAT is how I tell you all I want to say. My every look. My every action.

    From that single moment, until the end of the future. My words and actions. For you.

    That is my definition of love. My definition of adore, when it comes to you. I hope it is enough.


    This is my philosophy. I try every moment, every single day to communicate my love and affection, my desire, my need...

    Or rather, I do my best.

    Because there is no try, right? There is do or do not.

    And sometimes, because things fall through the cracks, or we get busy or stressed, or there are hackers on my servers, or crazy clients needing buildings, the love we show each other seems to flow a bit more slowly.

    Worse, of course, is when the flow slows is usually when we need it most, right? When we're stressed and crazy and busy and overtired, that's when we need most to feel that love and desire and... dare I say it on a kink site?... romance.

    And that's where Valentine's Day comes in.

    It's not a once-a-year-you-have-to-be-romantic holiday, in my view. It's a reminder to take a look at the romance you MEAN to be showing, and step up a bit, if you've been slack lately.

    So, while I've never gone out of my way to focus on Valentine's with my partners, I've never poo-poohed it, either.

    Because we all need reminders, sometimes.

    Which is why I created NookieNotes, of course, but that's a whole 'nother story, to be told another time.

    Thank you so much, all of you, for participating in this writing prompt.

    Why Selfishness Is Dominant Behavior

    In response to Why Lying Is Submissive Behavior, someone suggested I write "Selfishness is Dominant behavior."

    As I am often up for a challenge and I didn't yet have today's topic to mind, I immediately agreed.

    So, if you don't like this, blame him. His idea! LOL!

    So, of course, I have to start with the word sefishness, and get a definition, which leads me to defining selfish as well. See below.


    the quality or condition of being selfish.


    1. devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others.
    2. characterized by or manifesting concern or care only for oneself:

    Now, if I were directly following in the footsteps of my previous writing, I'd tell you why selfishness is dominant (adjective) behavior, versus Dominant (noun) behavior.

    I'm gonna cheat. Because I want to write about Dominant (noun) behavior, and I'm selfish like that.

    AND, I think telling you why the people who tend to be dominant in society correlate most often with selfishness is kind of a 'duh,' while telling you (Maybe even convincing you) that selfishness is a desirable trait in Dominants is less of a "gimme."


    So, here goes. I' think I can make this somewhat succinct, even (after all that ^^^ up there, LOL!).

    Selfishness Is Dominant Behavior

    It goes back to my D/s Needs Hierarchy


    As a D-type, my needs come first. As a human, my needs come first, really, because even subs should place their own needs first.

    Then, my sub's needs. I'll come back to this and why it fits my proposal.

    And, of course, my wants above my sub's wants.

    What I need and want is more important to me than what my sub needs and wants, respectively.

    And it should be. Selfish, though it may be.

    However, there is that niggly little bit about my sub's needs coming before my wants. Which may, on the surface, seem less-than-selfish.


    Keeping my submissive's needs met is one of the most selfish things I do. By doing so, I get to keep him around fulfilling all (or mostly all) of my wants. And he loves it.

    As late quoted me saying yesterday:

    "I dont want to run anyone else's lives unless they give me lots of orgasms. Then I will run their lives, and they will love me for it." Book Of Nookie 12: 2

    I take care of my sub's needs, and I get:

    • love
    • orgasms
    • flowers
    • silly socks
    • kisses
    • orgasms
    • cute animal pictures
    • mind-blowing sex
    • orgasms

    See? All about me!

    Yes, I consider what he needs, and what he wants. Because I know, in the end getting what he needs and wants will get me SO MUCH MORE in return.

    AND, because he is my sub, he WANTS me to be selfish. To put my needs first. To put my wants first. AND to know he will be taken care of, because a good Dominant does not break their toys.

    So, yeah.

    There it is. Enjoy!

    And, I am, of course, open to counter arguments. Just realize that I enjoy the debate, and will take you on, especially if I'm feeling scrappy, but I prefer to keep it non-personal.


    Why Lying Is Submissive Behavior

    Now, before you go all cray-cray on my ass, I am simply saying that lying is submissive behavior (versus dominant behavior), not that submissives lie.

    Or, put another way:

    In my view, you cannot be a Dominant and a liar.


    Because when you lie, you are telling the world, "I do not have the confidence in myself to live life on my terms and with my truth."

    Instead, you are saying, "To get what I want, I have to trick others by manipulating their reality."

    Does this include lying by omission?

    Yes! IF...

    The lie is one you KNOW could lead to strife. Or that you even think could lead to train. Because then, avoiding the subject it NOT taking the world on your terms, it's HIDING something.

    It's impossible to tell everyone everything. There are not enough hours in the day. That's not the kind of lie of omission I'm talking about. Of course not.

    It's when you actively avoid telling someone something that might upset them.


    Not wanting to upset someone.

    So, you're saying that you don't feel like you have the chops to communicate it effectively and get us through whatever...

    I don't have the energy to fight.

    Same as above.

    If I told the truth, he/she wouldn't let me, or would do something to make me feel bad if I did.

    So, you admit that you are allowing yourself to be manipulated and are not standing up for your rights and needs.

    If I said the truth, he/she might not date me.

    So, you think that YOU are not good enough as you are, you need to lie to make yourself look better. Oh, and you're willing to trade long-term gain and happiness (relationship built on truth) for short-term benefits (sex until he/she uncovers the lie).

    I said ____ to get ____.

    Similar to above, but with anything. You are saying that if you don't lie, you don't believe you can get what you want.

    I said I'm this kind of person, when I'm really TRYING to be that kind of person.

    You're deluding yourself about who you are and your priorities in life.

    See what I mean?

    So, this is why I say lying is submissive behavior. I also say NO ONE never lies. We all do. However, the frequencies, the reasons, the effects and how we handle them, those all add up to the person we are.

    And, just as submissives exhibit dominant behaviors sometimes (with children, for example), dominants exhibit submissive behaviors, too (with parents and bosses).

    It doesn't instantly invalidate your Dom card. However, like rust, it erodes away not just how you are perceived as a Dominant and human being, but also how you feel about you.

    Because when you lie, you are not just telling the world all those things. You are telling yourself.

    The Wrong Compliments Hurt Us All

    I have a pet peeve. Shocking, I know.

    And it's a weird one. One most people don't really think about. Or at least most people look at me sideways when I mention it, then as I rant on and on, the look turns to one of understanding, then usually, well... probably boredom.

    It's what happen when I rant.

    Actually, I generally try to be entertaining, especially ranting in-person, so to speak. I use different voices, I exaggerate my body language—all things that are difficult to do online.

    So, I just have my words. Lucky you.

    To be fair to you, if you'd like this rant in person, feel free to get me worked up at an event, so you can see the show...

    Here it is:

    My pet peeve is a compliments that isn't really a compliment at all and has the added (and dubious) benefit of excusing away potential solutions.

    Complex, eh? It certainly sounds that way when I read it, but it's not. I have a few examples:

    • But, you're so strong.
    • Yeah, but you're so pretty.
    • Uh huh, but you're smarter than I am.

    See the connection? Much of the time these compliments come with a "but" at the beginning, actually said or implied.

    Even with the "but," it's easy to see why these are mistaken for compliments. They are all good things, right?

    It's that they are good things, with the awareness (beauty, intelligence) or implication (mental/emotional strength) that they are inborn, not built or worked for.

    Also, being strong, pretty, and/or smart don't actually solve any problems by themselves. Well, maybe if you're pretty enough, you'll will the local beauty pageant, and if you're smart enough, you'll never have to study...

    But that's not really solving problems.

    And then, there's the piece that really sticks in my craw. Not only does a remark like that erode away at the person it's aimed at (YAY for being judged by things people think you have no control over), but it hurts the giver.

    A lot.

    More, even.

    That "but" is a clue.

    The "but" is the excuse. The excuse that "You can solve this/survive this/figure this out/get guys to go one dates with you/get people to tie you up and do unspeakable things to your body..." BECAUSE of that one quality that the giver does not have, therefore, they cannot.

    Not only can they not, but they are closed off to the suggestion that they can by simply speaking that way. And they are invalidating any attempt to assist because all attempts come from the strong/pretty/smart point of view. Which doesn't help them.

    The words create a victim while at the same time tearing down and invalidating another.

    And other people see this. Our family. Our friends. Our children. They accept this as OK. And so they do it as well. They accept the "compliments, because that's what you do, and they use them as their own excuses, because, well, that's what you do.

    Pretty amazing, right?

    And, yes. I've experienced all of these.

    • I've worked to become emotionally strong.
    • I have been called pretty. It's not something I work hard to be. It's not a priority, and it's not an excuse. I know seriously unattractive people who have more friends/dates/sex/submissives/whatever than I do.
    • I'm smart. I was born to be who I am. I even call myself "wicked smart" sometimes. And yet, I can be lazy. I can be dense. And if I haven't studied something, I don't know anymore about it than the dumbest person in the room.

    I'm betting you have your own "not-compliments" that you've received. I'd love if you'd share.

    Vulnerability Is...

    Yesterday, I put up a writing prompt about vulnerability,

    and said that today I'd post my own view.

    Vulnerability is opportunity.

    I've been thinking about this for a while, and I recently watched The Power of Vulnerability

    , a TED talk with Brené Brown, which helped me gather my thoughts even more.

    You see, in my current relationship, we've got this crazy connection. It's amazing. Deeper than I've ever had before, and I was married for 11 years. We've talked this over, and wondered what made US so special. Was it The Most Amazing Non-Sex I've Ever Had

    experience? I never thought so. I thought that was another effect of whatever it was, versus the reason for it.

    And, of course, when several people told me that they didn't even want to think about experiencing something like that with another person, I thought maybe I was on to something.

    At first, I thought it was the work and responsibility that people didn't want. Deep relationships are work and a lot of responsibility, after all. And yet, thinking about my own past experiences, I realized that I am deeper in my current relationship and it's a LOT less work and much less responsibility, so that couldn't be it.

    Then, I started thinking about vulnerability. How when Pet and I came together, we decided to lay EVERYTHING on the table, and make this work on who we actually all, flaws and all, instead of on who we wish we were.

    That was a turning point for me.

    And, then, I lost a friend. The only close friend I've ever lost. And her reason? I wasn't vulnerable enough with her. She was with me. I didn't reciprocate. She was incredibly hurt. I still don't talk with her.

    Another step on my path.

    So, I opened myself up even more. I started writing more. I started exposing myself. Even with Pet, I tried new things that stretched me, made me uncomfortable. I didn't just try new things, I also spoke about my discomfort.

    And, because I was watching, I realized that when Pet and I had really exposing, vulnerable moments, we drew closer together.

    So, I started watching other areas of my life. And I realized when I opened up more in my writings, I got more interaction. Not always on the writings themselves, but in my inbox. People who need someone vulnerable to relate to what they are going through, to offer comfort and advice.

    Yes, vulnerability is scary. Of course it is. However, I've found the more that I open myself to people, the less it frightens me and the more it excites me. Because the amazing potential for love and acceptance grows.

    And connection is tied to vulnerability.

    I'm a fan of visual metaphors. I've used the audio sliders

    metaphor before with dominance and submission, and I'm going to use it again here for connection and vulnerability.

    I believe that If you imagine connection and vulnerability as sliders on an audio board, they move independently, but that vulnerability puts a stop on connection, limiting the amount of deep connection you can have to no more than 10% (a number I'm pulling out of my ass, here) of the vulnerability you show.

    Sure, you can offer vulnerability and not connect. You can also get a bit more connection than vulnerability.

    Vulnerability is opportunity.

    Opportunity for me to connect with others. I put myself out there, other people see that and respond.

    I may not even KNOW they respond. Not actually. But I see it in various ways. I'll get a like. I'll get a message. Someone will say something nice about me to another. Good energy and karma (whatever you want to call it) comes my way, I make more money, and just find it easier to connect with people.

    Also, though, I am a better person. I have let go of nearly all shame. Fear is easier to overcome, after all, what is most fear compared to exposing your most private self to people who can rip you to shreds? I'm willing to take more risks. I make more money.

    All because I've allowed myself to be more vulnerable.

    Oh, and I don't pick and choose.

    Sure, I don't generally sit down next to a complete stranger and explain how nervous and freaked out I was the first time I cuckolded my Pet... it was a surprise and he didn't know, and I KNEW it had a small chance of going horribly wrong and ending the best thing I'd ever had...

    But I could.

    It doesn't frighten me anymore.

    Even being hurt doesn't frighten me. I can only be hurt because I've made myself vulnerable. And by doing that, I've got so much love and acceptance and amazing people in my life whoa re happy to help me with my hurt—to listen, to commiserate, and to threaten to cut the balls (or tits) off any offender in very thin slices to avenge my every tear...

    So, yeah. That's what vulnerability is to me.

    Writing Prompt: Vulnerability

    So, I saw someone else offer up a writing prompt on Fet a week or two back. I thought it was a good idea, and I got distracted from it by some craziness around here, plus Snowmaggedon 2016... and, well, I'm sure you understand.

    Anyway, today seems like the right day for such a thing, so I'm going for it.

    Feel free to write to me or just think on it or write on it and keep it to yourself, if you prefer.

    I have already written the beginning of my piece, and I'll post it, probably tomorrow. I don't want to influence anyone, though, as I love the idea of getting our honest and gut-instinct responses.

    So, here goes:

    Writing Prompt: Vulnerability is...

    Finish the sentence. Or the paragraph. Or the essay. Or whatever this is to you. Fill it out. Make it yours.

    I'm looking forward to knowing you better through this.

    For Those Who Stand Up After Trauma...

    One of my readers who has become an online friend wrote to me looking for advice on a situation, and could I please recommend any links or writings that could apply.

    I could not think of anything written specifically to address what she went through, and frankly, I wanted to write as soon as possible, because, well, she was hurting. It was evident.

    Having been through no few issues and challenges myself, and having wanted to write something in response to some of the things that have been happening in the local community, I just wrote from my heart:

    1. There will be times when this will fill your mind. You will go over it and over it again, like an endless vine. Sometimes this is needed for processing. And it's OK.

    2. Life will continue, and it's also OK to let yourself be sucked back into the daily act of living. This is how we heal. It does not make it mean less. It just means you are moving on.

    3. At random times through your life, you may get flashbacks. You may be working out, and it will run through your head, along with a half-dozen things you could have done differently. Let it happen. It can be overwhelming at first. Eventually, you'll be able to continue what you're doing, and allow it to play out.

    4. Scening again (having sex again, trusting again) can be hard and nerve-wracking but so fulfilling at the same time. You will feel proud once you get to a point where it’s simply pleasurable and not a source of anxiety.

    5. Your limits are yours. You have a right to draw them wherever you want to. You don't owe anyone anything.

    6. You’re not damaged goods. It’s just something that happened to you. Everyone has problems and bad experiences.

    7. Chances are that a friend or family member will doubt your feelings, think you’re exaggerating, or say you brought it upon yourself for some reason. Some will say you're being dramatic. Those are the people you don’t need in your life. You need friends who will support you.

    Most of these people ^^^ do that because they are afraid. Afraid they might get blamed. Afraid they failed you. Afraid that if they admit it happened to you that it might happen to them, or that they might be responsible for speaking up, or having tough conversations with others. It's not their fault they are cowards.

    By speaking up, you have proven that you are resilient, strong, courageous, powerful, brave, and a fighter. Stick to what you know is true. Feel sorry for those who do not have the strength to see the world for what it truly is. Find other strong people to support you. Heal yourself and move forward in a better place.

    And finally, this:

    This is for ALL of you who stand up after trauma. You make the world better and give others hope.

    A Communication Challenge (Thoughts On Communication, Part VI)

    So, I'm going to tell you a story. It's not my story, but I've had more than a few of these. I'm sure you have, too.

    A couple started playing with a female submissive. She would come to their home and they always had a great time. She was a college student, nice and easy to get along with.

    One time when the third visited, she said she uses an illicit drug, as well as deals in it. It helps pay her college bills.

    The man didn't ever want her in their house again and said that he considered her one of the lowest life forms of because the product she peddles kills people.

    His partner accused him of unfairly judging the third. She said that the third doesn't bring this illicit drug into their house.

    The man showed his partner numerous webistes of what this drug does to people. It's the second most addicting drug and destroys the body and mind.

    His partner said that the third isn't responsible for other people's choices.

    They have fought over this around and around, never reaching agreement. The arguments got more entrenched, neither willing to budge. And the pain of accusations was hurting both of them.

    So, what to do?

    When I've been in this situation before, it's seemed almost impossible. to solve from the inside. Then, I realized that it's really quite simple.

    There are two things that need to be decided:

    1. Is the third still allowed into the house?

    2. How are decisions made in your relationship?

    The second question needs to be answered first, because that will inform the decision.

    So, he needs to forget trying to win the argument with facts on websites. That's using logic and science to win an argument of emotion.

    What is missing here is the process of listening to one another, regardless of the outcome.

    First step:

    Take a break, let tempers cool. Do not discuss it for 2-3 days. Make this a policy. Set a time to come back to it.

    Second step:

    BOTH of you write answers to the following questions (the first three may be two or five, or whatever you think may help you get to the heart of the issue, the last is needed customized for each situation):

    1. How would I feel if the playtimes were to continue?
    2. How would I feel if they were to stop?
    3. Why does it matter to me so much whether they continue or not?
    4. Is it OK to continue playtimes when one partner does not consent?

    Once you're through writing, swap writings and read each other's POV. Then resume discussing.

    Let's talk a bit more about number 4.

    This is the key in many arguments that can stop them in their tracks. Really, why would you ever want to choose a path in a long-term relationship that would make your partner feel uncomfortable?

    Let's say you HAVE to, for your own happiness or financially.. That's where 1-3 come into play.

    Number 4 cuts to the heart of the matter. However, the discussion around 1-3 is handled will make the difference in moving forward with resentments or happily.

    Remember, the final result itself is not as important as how good both of you feel about it. Make an effort to understand your partner, and make sure your partner understands you.

    A few tips:

    1. Use calm language. "I consider her one of the lowest life forms because the product she is peddling kills people." is over-the-top. Simply saying that he don't approve of her choices and he feels unsafe with her in their home should be enough to say what needs to be said.

    2. Judgements are not necessary. This can make people feel defensive.

    3. Do your best to understand your partner's point-of-view, and see it not as wrong, but as valid and different from your own.

    4. If you know one partner is going to be unhappy with the decision, whichever way it goes, then discuss how critical the issue is, how much upset it will cause, and discuss whether there are measures that can be put into place to help balance those out.

    It's not easy.

    Not at all.

    Luckily, it is simple. Just follow the steps. It's often not easy to go through with all of it, and really try to see the other person's POV. It is rewarding, and it breaks those unending round-robin arguments.

    Fair Warning: I'm Dangerous, Unethical, and Manipulative.

    These are words I've been called in the past few days. And I warn you, at least two are true.

    I'm dangerous.
    I'm manipulative.

    I don't believe I'm unethical. Only you can decide that for yourself, based on your perception of my and my actions.

    I'm dangerous.

    Dangerous is defined as: able or likely to cause harm or injury.

    I am certainly able to cause harm and injury. In many ways. Likely? No. Not so much. But able. Yes. VERY.

    Do I? Not really. I'm pretty careful about NOT causing harm or injury.

    And also, I teach people things that, if used wrongly, can also lead to harm or injury.

    For example, I write about and teach anal play

    . I teach everything I know about safe anal play. However, even if you follow my instructions, you may, through inexperience or just plain "OOPS!" harm someone.

    The chance is FAR less than if you do it on your own, without reading about the safety and ways to ease into anal play...

    But (butt, get it? LOL! I may also cause harm with my terrible sense of humor), my enthusiasm also might encourage you to try anal play, when you wouldn't have otherwise, and then inexperience or oops leads to, well, harm.

    So, yeah. I'm able to cause harm or injury.

    I'm manipulative.

    In fact, it's part of my charm. Or, at least I like to think so. One of my MAIN kinks is Behavior Modification, which is manipulation. 100%.

    So, yeah. I'm manipulative.

    And I'm proud of that. I also get consent before I manipulate people.

    In fact, when I'm not in BeMod headspace, I'm actually kind of awkward, because I go out of my way to NOT manipulate people who don't consent to it.

    I'm unethical.

    I teach things. LOTS of things. I teach things that can cause harm or injury. I teach them as best I can to people I know and people I don't.

    People I don't know may take that information and use it for harm.

    People I do know may do that, too.

    Although I hope they don't. Even in my books, I'm constantly stressing consent, because it's important to me.

    But, I have ZERO control over other people.

    There is also the chance that someone will misunderstand something I say, and learn something that I'm not meaning to teach.

    And that could be dangerous.

    Going back to anal play, I talk about dirty talk and fucking someone hard in the butt, while calling them a sweet little ass slut...

    Someone could read that part, and mistake the loving intention with which it is written, and instead make that hateful.

    And so, I could, theoretically, be held for spreading harm and injury.

    I believe...

    That I and the community I am a part of, the community of you readers and local people and people I love, all of whom are into some sort of kink...

    I believe we are all better for the teaching of what I teach, as imperfectly as I may or may not teach it.

    I know my facts when I state them as facts are 100% researched.

    I know my opinions when stated as opinions are my own, and I often present an opposing point of view as well.

    And I know that I would rather take the chance that someone will use what I teach in bad ways or will misunderstand what I teach (or write for that matter), than not teach at all, and know that people will still try these things and might fail with horrifying results.

    So, you've been warned.

    I'm Dangerous, Unethical, and Manipulative.


    Behavior Modification: Make Your Will The Source of Good, Exercise 5

    This is a short writing, and a profound one.

    Make it appear that it is their compliance/submission/service that gets them good things.

    This is as simple as it gets, and have so very many applications. Here are a few examples:

    Pet brings me socks (Gifts is one of my love languages). I thank him. I kiss him. I smile. Later, I take naked pictures in said socks. A small gift of socks got him MANY MANY good things.
    You ask your sub to tell you when they cum. They do, and you encourage them to cum, "Cum for me! Yes, that's a good ___!" Complying with your request to tell you ends in much praise, and very possibly a harder orgasm.
    You're in the middle of bed play, and your sub is very excited. Start talking, "Remember that thing you did for me this past week? I LOVED that thing. It was so awesome. You did that thing so well, and just as I requested..." As you are keeping them excited, of course.

    It's simple. And can be worked into every day scenarios. Once you've made your preferences clear, just watch for them to follow through, and reward. Give good things.

    • Smile.
    • Take them out to dinner.
    • Foot rub.
    • Orgasms.
    • Movie Night.

    Whatever they like. Whenever they get it, tie it to something you are happy about with them.


    When you do nice things, tie them to things they have done that you love.

    This is different than the immediate reward, as it is not instant. It happens later. Sometimes much later. I'll still remember things Pet has done over a year ago, and I'll add that into fun play times.

    What kinds of good things are you able to tie to making you happy?

    I'd love to hear your experiences.

    The Venue's New Sexual Consent Cards!


    / 11k

    We're getting these printed as we speak, so they will be available for all of our events, including Newbie night tonight.

    They will be at the front desk, along with pens for filling out.

    No, they are not required for play at The venue, just available for your peace of mind.

    You are welcome to take a few with you as well.


    The other side is blank. If you'd like your own cards with your Fet name, link, info, and the other side with your hard limits and most common play needs, just contact us (The Venue on FetLife

    or me—since I lay them out), and I'll get you the files.

    At no cost.

    This is our service to the community.


    If you think this is a good idea, and would like the original files, or would like cards made with your information, please reach out.

    We'll be happy to help you get what you need to create your own Sexual Consent Cards.

    I'm Teaching A Communication Workshop For Couples!

    Join me and your sweetheart (or your BFF) the day before Valentine's Day learning the core tenets of communication and practicing communication techniques.

    This is the original one-hour class that so many of you love (and need) on steroids, and will dive down into issues like:

    • Communicating about sex.
    • Communicating about Jealousy.
    • Communicating your needs.
    • Knowing that your communication has been received.
    • How to stop the blame game.
    • Catch-22s and how to avoid them in your relationship.
    • Communication focusing on the 6 basic human needs and in the 5 Love Languages.
    • And more...

    Lunch salad bar and a mid afternoon snack is provided, along with all that you'll need to get through the course.

    A follow-up 30-minute Skype call is available (within the next 60 days) for every couple taking the course, to discuss any communication issues that pop up after the class, to help point out where the principles you have learned apply to your real-world problems.


    Bring your biggest communication challenge for the one-hour snack time/break discussion!

    Doors open at 11am for the Salad Bar and Meet & Greet. Instructions and workshop start at 12pm sharp!

    As Seen In Kink Weekly... Another One

    Beauty is not enough, originally written January 7th is featured on Kink Weekly, with a heartfelt comment from one of the editors about her viewpoint as an attractive female.

    For those who followed this conversation and were interested, I highly recommend you read her addition.

    Dominance & Vulnerability

    If you're anything like me, sometimes you feel like you're not allowed to be out-of-sorts, sad, upset, weak or vulnerable, because you are THE DOMINANT.

    It's rough.

    As a person who has taken responsibility for another human, the idea of making a mistake or being wrong in any way can seem pretty damn terrifying.

    Ever been there?

    I have. SO. Many. Times.

    So many.

    So, how do we get around this when it feels overwhelming? When we are battling with how we feel and what we may perceive as our roles.

    But is being a dominant a role? An acting job?

    Do I, as a female dominant need to look like online porn, have an implacable, icy exterior, and never be flawed or human?

    GAWD, I hope not. If so, I'm doing it all wrong.

    For me, it's about reminding myself that I am dominant. It is part of who I am. It's my chosen lifestyle and character.

    That means, it's always with me. It's a part of who I am. Therefore, because that's OK, the rest of me is as well.

    That said, I also know that as the person who guides my relationships, I hold myself to a pretty high standard.

    So, I know it's OK to feel my emotions. Even to wallow in them once in a while for the full effect of humanity (going through the sappy songs on my iphone in alphabetical order, anyone?).

    I have emotions, express emotions, and even ask people for support and company, without letting those emotions take over. Without trying to make others suffer with and for me, either intentionally or accidentally.

    EVERYONE has negative emotions, sometimes. They are important. We learn more about ourselves and grow through our emotions. Everyone is vulnerable, sometimes.

    What's important as dominants is how we handle ourselves in our worst, most stressful states.

    Hell, what's important as HUMANS is how we handle ourselves in those states.

    I'm Teaching At The Submissive Safe Haven Symposium April 29-May 1st, 2016!

    I'm super-geeked that I've been asked back to teach at the the Submissive Safe Haven.

    Not only do I love teaching, but working with the small side of the slash is a particular joy for me. I love submissives, and having some small part to play in their blooming and growing is a beautiful thing for me.

    And this time, it's a retreat far from the outside world. In a secluded cabin!

    AND, it's open to 18 and over! THAT'S SOOOOO FREAKING AWESOME! Because the younger crowd needs to learn and be served as much as the 21+ crowd.

    So, I'm totally going to be talking about this.

    We're pretty sure I'll be doing the Alpha Submissive class again, since it's been requested (demanded? Can subs demand things? LOL!), and we're working another topic for a potential 3-hour workshop/intensive.

    So, keep your eyes on the event and my writings to find out what we're cooking up for you.


    Why I Think "Empathy" Is An Often Misused And Therefore Harmful Concept

    Those of you who read me often know I'm all about communication, and in order to communicate, we have to use words that mean the same thing to each of us.

    So, first I'm going to define empathy:


    noun: empathy

    the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.

    A simple dictionary definition. One I think we can all get behind, right? Well, even if not, this is the definition I'm using for this writing, because it's the one I know and understand.

    Here's my thing... do we ever truly understand another? I mean we get close, through conversation, but do we ever really truly understand?

    And share? No. Just no. We don't share feelings, because I believe we cannot feel the same way another feels. Because there is no way of knowing what that is.

    I often hear people talk about how they are so empathetic. Many of these same people are the ones with relationship problems and drama all over the place, because they are often incredibly off in their "readings."

    Because most of the time it's not empathy. It's projection. Or sympathy at best.

    Empathy is walking a mile in someone's moccasins. Sympathy is being sorry their feet hurt. — Rebecca O'Donnell

    Now, I'm not saying that empaths don't exist. They may. So might telepaths. But I have yet to meet one.

    And I've met dozens, perhaps hundreds of people who claim to be empathic. And they use this to "shortcut" their relationships.

    "I know how you're feeling..."

    No. You don't.

    Saying, "I'm epathic..." as a reason for treating someone one way or another is lazy.

    Yes, it's lazy. And frankly, I think it's a fantasy that does more harm than good. Like most portrayals of romance.

    The fantasy obscures the reality, which is so much more fascinating.

    I admit it... I'm not empathic. At all.

    I don't "feel" from others. I'm incapable of it.

    I simply get to know them, and ask them questions. Then, once I know them well, intellectually I get an understanding of what works best for them.

    And then, I follow that up with questions, so I know next time whether to do something similar or change it up.

    And when they do something that I don't expect, I ask, "So, when A happened, I thought you would react Y, but instead you reacted B. What am I misunderstanding about you?"

    This is instead of thinking, "Oh, They did this because they think I meant that by those words, and so they overreacted, so I will do this other thing to try to make them feel better/appease them."

    Because, frankly, it doesn't work.

    You know what works? ASKING people what they think and mean.

    You know, the people you supposedly love and want to know more about?

    Yeah. get to know them, instead of making assumptions and pushing your assumptions on them in the form of ill-conceived actions.

    And for heaven's sake, don't tell people how they feel.

    Seriously. That's just rude.

    Even if you think you know how someone is feeling, do the work. find out for sure. Because being wrong damages your relationship, your communication and your trust.

    AT BEST, those who are "naturals" at empathy are probably just naturals at reading body language, a la Cal Lightman from Lie to Me


    However, as he constantly points out, he can see emotions on someone's face, but he cannot know WHY the emotions are there.

    If I can read your face and know you are feeling guilty, that still doesn't tell me if it's because you actually did something wrong, or if you just THINK you might have done something wrong, based on a complete misunderstanding.


    In short, empathy, in my view is a lazy excuse for doing something you think will be right, rather than actually communicating with another human being.

    One View On Interracial Cuckolding

    My pet posted to tumblr about a first meeting I had:

    My Queen is meeting a new black bull right now. I am excited for her and for us. It is a beautiful dance we navigate together. My stomach is flipped as I wait for updates on how they are getting along and if he worthy of courting her.

    And another gent reblogged, adding the comment:

    Cuckoldry is all fine and good, if you’re into that. But why are two shits given about the race of the other man? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

    This is my view of interracial cuckolding, and my answer to him.

    I can answer you for us, not for anyone else. 

    I’ve always loved the look of darker hair, darker eyes, darker skin. I was married to a black man and with him for 15 years of my life. While I’m not exclusively into black men, it’s been a preference of mine.

    My Pet, well, he loves the aesthetics of seeing dark skin against my very pale flesh (I am naturally light-skinned, and I mostly stay out of the sun and use SPF). He also enjoys the idea that I look for someone completely different than he is in my lovers. 

    Since I tend to go for taller, very well-built, hung men as well, it adds another dimension of difference, which heightens the cuckoldry. 

    Also, since I have a sweet, pale, ginger boy for my very own that I love dearly, when I look for a lover, I tend to look for something very different. Variety. And since I naturally gravitate towards darker skin, that’s where my inclination is.

    Now, for the bulls or lovers, they like it, too. They like the color contrast. Some like the race play. We certainly don’t play this game with anyone non-consensually or make an object out of anyone (unless they specifically want that). 

    And one more thing: A lot of my audience prefers interracial cuckolding as well, so the race is mentioned, so that they can not only enjoy what we do, but also realize that we do it, enjoy it, and it is an attainable lifestyle. 

    So, yes. We like black men in our lives, generally, although, so far, our favorite bull has been an Italian that lives in Phoenix... 


    It’s our preferences, but not in any way a preion for anyone else’s cuckolding. 

    A little over two years ago right before Christmas, I had an experience unlike any other I've ever had, and I've been one of the most enthusiastic explorers of the ThinkOff (hands-free mental orgasms) I can imagine.

    For a long time, I kept this to myself, sharing it with only a select few, because, well, it's a bit crazy.

    In my mind, a lot crazy.

    But, it happened.

    And when I went looking for information, I couldn't find anything that really described my experience, and that made me feel a bit crazy.

    So, I've finally got up the guts to share, just in case there is someone else out there that goes through this, and needs confirmation that they are not alone.

    deep breath

    Ok. Here goes...

    I was living in Wilmington at the time, and I had come to Raleigh for some time with friends and a party over the weekend, then planned to head to family for holiday Sunday.

    On Friday, Pet and I had a picnic lunch, just chatting and enjoying ourselves. High sexual tension, but we were going to put off consummating until the next day, when we'd have time to do it right.

    Later that day, we met after he got off work for a couple of drinks and a snack, before I was due to go spend the evening with some friends.

    We spent the time talking about pretty deep issues (what are soulmates, is our connection unique—with him asserting it was and me demurring, and how lucky we were to have found each other a few months before), enjoying it as we do. It's fun for us to delve into ideas and concepts related to what it is that we do together, share fantasies, and just generally examine ourselves together.

    So, as he walked me back to my car, we were in a good mood, not very sexual, but deeply affectionate.

    I offered to drive him back to his car, since he'd walked to meet me.

    We both climbed into my car, and as he is wont to do, he took the opportunity once I was strapped in to climb over to kiss me.

    But he didn't kiss me. He hovered.

    We've done some play with hovering our mouths just over one another, sharing breath and talking during sex, and it's been incredibly hot. So this was not a huge departure, except that we weren't really being sexy.

    He hovered, and we breathed in each other for a moment, then he placed his right hand lightly on my bare chest, above my tank top, skin-to-skin.

    I felt a wall of energy hitting me and holding me firmly still, in my seat. Not unlike I remember feeling when I touched an electric fence as a young teen. But not hurty. Just VERY charged. Very powerful, and I was unable (and unwilling) to disconnect.

    My entire body was electrified, with his hand and mouth as my circuits. I could feel him inside me, with me, in my head and body. it was like we flowed together, into my body through his hand and into his body through our breaths, circling around and through each other.

    Time stood still. I had no idea how long we were locked like that (later, I calculated it out, based on the time I had planned to leave in the car and when I did—it was 20 minutes, give or take).

    It was orgasmic, without being sexual at all.

    When he did slowly pull away, I felt a piece of him (his energy) was left behind inside me, and a keyhole (for lack of a better term) was left in my chest for him to access any time. I also felt a commensurate piece of myself went with him.

    We didn't even properly say goodbye. We just gazed at each other for a while, and he said in a bit of a dazed voice that he would enjoy the cool air walking back to his car.

    We parted, and did not text for 15 minutes (incredibly unusual for us). And when we did, it went something like this:

    Him: Wow.

    Me: Yeah.

    Him:: Really, Wow.

    Me: Yeah.

    Him: WTF?

    Me: I don't know. Was that on purpose?

    Him:No. Wow.

    Me: Yeah.

    LOL! I felt like I'd just been hit by a Mack truck, and was super-charged up and at the same time, unable to form coherent thoughts.

    I'd read about similar things in Tantra, so I knew they could theoretically exist, but never heard of it happening spontaneously like that, in that intensity, outside of some sort of fantasy novel, usually involving magic or the supernatural.

    In Tantra, they've always said it can happen after a lot of practice, breathing exercises, and in certain positions. Not spontaneously. And I've never read about it being quite like this. They describe a warmth, a flow of energy/sunshine, NOT getting nailed to your car seat by lightening.

    I felt a little crazy. Didn't want to tell anyone for fear of being locked up. He felt the same, no idea who he could tell.

    We ended up not having any sex that weekend, just exploring this connection and talking.

    The follow-up to this is:

    • We can "activate" this when we choose.
    • It can be manipulated into amazing ThinkOff orgasms as well.
    • He feels much the same things I do (by deion), and even actually ejaculated a small bit, after many mini shockwaves.
    • We can feel it when discussing it, and even feel each other at a distance (like from my parent's place in Louisville).

    I've done ThinkOff (hands-free mental orgasms). Many times. And they are effing amazing. They can wrack my body and drive me wild.

    This is different in feeling. If the ThinkOffs are like a cattle prod, creating an immediate reaction, this is like those scene in the movies, when they plug in the cord to light the whole football stadium or concert arena.

    I have spoken with a few friends. Only one has ever experienced anything exactly like it before, even the most world-savvy ones.

    Several have expressed awe and how lucky I am. Several have said they would not want that with anyone, as it would be too much vulnerability for them.

    I'm pretty damn amazed by it, and I'm glad I have gotten the chance to experience this in my life. It has connected us on an even deeper level than I could imagine.

    Over the past two years, our connection has remained strong. I've not found much more than I did in the first google search I did about what this could possibly be, or where it might fit into various practices/religions or science.

    I still feel a bit crazy, because, well, I'm a science girl, not a woo-woo, airy-fairy type. I can find no science to back this up, so, crazy.

    On the other hand, there is no religious/cult crazy-pants stuff out there I can find exactly like this, either.

    OK, so I may be crazy, anyway. My own brand of crazy. But I like it.

    Fire away with any questions or comments. If you know anyone who's had similar experiences, please do pass this along. I'd love to compare or just bond over this.

    Behavior Modification: Rewarding Spontaneous Acts, Exercise 4

    On a private forum I participate in, a young man is learning the basics of leadership. Here is his report of an event.

    Thursday Evening


    When you are about to go bed tonight, take a picture of yourself laying in your bed and send to me.
    I want to imagine I am there with you


    i don't want to be disobedient but i truly hate selfies. make it up to you some other way?


    ( I just called her , didn't acknowledge that she didn't comply)

    Although this is not the point of this writing, I want to point out his two errors here:

    1. Not following through on the request. If she does not comply, that needs acknowledgement, and best case, another task is set to make it up to him.

    2. Not responding to her words. That "feels" shady and manipulative, which, in this case it actually is. It will come back to bite him, in the future.

    Friday Day


    (gets home and sends me another pic of here in the mirror) which I hadn't requested and sends the msg:
    I owe you from earlier since i didn't want to ask anyone from work to take it


    (I called her)
    (she immediately commented if I had gotten her pic}
    ( I felt that since I hadn't asked for it that I didn't want to reenforce that in her, I stated that she din't owe me anything ( I did not thank her)

    THIS is the main reason for this writing.

    So, the story thus for, he asks her for a selfie. She makes an excuse and does not send it, but the next day, when he asks for a few pics on other things, she complies, AND sends him a selfie WITHOUT his asking when she gets home from work.

    My Response To Him

    Wait. You don't want to reinforce her sending you pictures of herself?
    THAT was a selfie. She took it. FOR YOU. To please you.
    No, you didn't ask her.
    That's even better!
    That's not leading, that's trying to make you happy.
    AND, it's getting her closer to taking that bedroom pic you want at some point.
    Here's the thing about this: You don't want to micromanage every interaction. You want her to want to please you, to look for ways to please you. If you don't even thank her when she does, two things will happen:
    1. She will learn to ALWAYS wait for instructions.
    2. She will get resentful that something she did to make you happy was ignored.

    Now, moving forward, one of the most important skills in behavior modification, especially over time, is the ability to critically assess daily, spontaneous actions for:

    • Things I Like
    • Things I Don't Like

    And ALWAYS ALWAYS reward 'Things I Like.' Period. ALWAYS.

    Even better when 'Things I Like' are offered up spontaneously. Because that means that your subject is responsive to you, and wants to please and get rewarded (with things they like).


    In the next three days, watch for 'Things I Like,' and reward them with acknowledgement, smiling, thanking your subject, and etc.

    Make notes of all the things you have found.

    If you missed something and realized it later, make a note of that as well.

    Look over your list. See how many things your partner can do to make you happy?

    What would life be like if these things happened daily? Or regularly?

    I'd love to hear your experiences.

    Beauty Is Not Enough

    Last night, I was having a conversation on beauty with a new friend in town on business.

    It's a conversation I've had many times, and I was sort of musing on it as I walked to my car.

    I passed a couple of very pretty women dressed up nicely and looking like they were freezing coming out of the parking ramp. One was saying to the other:

    "Really, I can't imagine being ugly or fat. That would suck. I'm so lucky to have good genes."

    The other agreed.

    And indeed, they both had excellent genes.

    However, what I heard was not just a comment about their self-perceptions of their looks, but also a statement about their self-esteem.

    What I really heard was:

    "I'm not good enough. I'm not smart enough to make it without my looks making it easier. I'm not charming enough to be loved without my beauty. I'm not interesting enough to be popular without my long legs..."

    Let me ask you:

    • What happens when beautiful people are not longer "beautiful enough?"
    • Do they cease to be worthwhile as human beings?
    • Are they no longer desirable because popular culture says they aren't?

    And think not just about your answers. I know the answers of my friends, and I love you for it. That's part of the reason you are my friends.

    Think about THEIR answers. Think about your young daughter's answer, or your niece's answer, or your sister's answer, or your mother's answer...

    Or your son's answer, your brother's...

    This is why I love when people I love think I'm beautiful, but really don't care one way or another whether a stranger thinks I'm fat or perfect, gorgeous or dog-ugly.

    Because what I offer the world is SO MUCH MORE than my meat wrapping.

    What about you?

    Consent Basics: Consent In Casual Play

    So, this scene happens:

    Top and bottom negotiate. They agree to a scene with specific points of action. Scene commences. Top hits all of the negotiated points, and adds a few creative twists. Bottom is upset after.

    Who is responsible?

    Top? The top failed to disclose that they like to improvise beyond the general arrangement for a scene and get full consent.

    Bottom? The bottom failed to say that they expected full adherence to the negotiated acts ONLY. The bottom also failed to safeword.

    To me, this is mutual responsibility. Both really messed up, in my world view.

    So, how do we make sure this doesn't happen again?


    Stick to the in casual play.


    If it's not negotiated, keep it off the table, or ask as you go (getting consent).

    If you wish to do the second, get permission to improvise with consent check-ins, or get affirmation that it's OK, and that the bottom WILL safeword if there is any untoward discomfort.

    I love to be spontaneous when I play. I don't play casually, but when I do, I agree to what's negotiated, and check in after. I might say, "so when I was spanking you, I really wanted to ______ but we hadn't talked about it. How do you feel about ____ in the future?"

    It starts a dialog to move the next scene into new territory, and also allows feedback in a very non-threatening way.

    What are your experiences with this? Any ideas/thoughts on this topic?

    Real Dommes Don't Switch: A Conversation.

    MasterLordMcDomlyPantsDouchenozzle contacts me:

    A true domme does not switch I could break you and make you the slave cunt you really are

    Yeah. Good luck with that. (plus signature file with links and such)

    I don't care about fetlife or your stupid books

    Excellent. And I don't care about you. So, we're on the same page.

    Best of luck to you!


    You are ugly anyway

    Of course I am. That's why you wrote to me. It has nothing to do with your low self-esteem, or the need to put others down to make yourself feel better.

    Really, I wish you the best of luck in your search.



    I haven't heard from him again. Maybe he has already found the special someone who really craves that approach...

    Behavior Modification: Conscious or Unconscious, Exercise 3

    I've been participating in a thread on Fet in which a young lady is asking after some behavior modification techniques, and I realized that it's a new year, and what I'm writing about relates to what we do around this time every year:

    New Year's Resolutions

    Yeah. As I was writing my replies to this woman, I realized that many people who read my writings would probably enjoy some of the insights provided, and could maybe use them to help their mate achieve their New Year's Resolutions this time around.

    Conscious Behavior Modification

    She said, in response to a question I had posted:

    It's not like Him to reward every small step but He does reward if He sees a clearer sign of change, or acknowledges it, but He feels like having to acknowledge every little thing is a waste... and in that view I do also. Rewarding a bigger improvement gives more motivation.

    What she is describing is not classical behavior modification. It's simply a relationship with feedback.

    Which, I should note, definitely modifies behavior. In a haphazard way. I use the example in my class of having arguments every time you discuss a particular topic, which then leads you to not bring up that topic (even if it is important to you). Your behavior has been modified, although, perhaps not in the way that was intended.

    Behavior modification, as it's usually spoken about in kink and the groups on Fet (as I experience it) is more akin to classical conditioning, which is less about what the subject THINKS they respond to and what actually works on a subconscious level.

    SMALL improvements being rewarded lead to small improvements being repeated, and leading to large improvements over time.

    For example, if I are trying to train a hyperactive puppy to sit and stay for 5 minutes, it does not make sense to wait until I have the full project done to reward. A hyperactive puppy will never get there, and will never get the chance for reward.

    Positively reinforcing every little step (butt hits the ground for a second, butt hits the ground and stays put for 5 seconds, 10 seconds, 30 seconds, etc.) makes each of those steps more likely to happen and eventually become the "new norm" that then build on the next improvement.

    It's good for you to have a BIG reward to look forward to, sure. That's human. But encouragement and rewards for small steps are what will keep your brain subconsciously engaged and striving.

    For example, let's say your mate has a goal to lose 30 pounds, and wants your help.

    30 pounds is a lot of effort to wait for any feedback. Positive reinforcement for EVERY healthy choice, every walk, every workout, every small change in appearance...

    That will go a lot farther to keeping your mate on track than silence until the big goal is reached, and predisposes them every single time to making a better (and therefore rewarded) choice next time.

    And when they reach 30 and get the big payoff, that's awesome as well, but the smaller rewards were really what got them through.

    Subconscious Behavior Modification

    She said, of her own experience:

    I have trouble following if I don't know or am aware of the goal or situation.

    I was speaking on subconscious levels, and she was speaking of her conscious awareness.

    Here's an example of when modifying behavior on a conscious level is a lot more work, and probably not ideal.

    My Pet, when we met, loved to masturbate. A LOT. A LOT LOT. LOL!

    I wanted orgasm control. He'd shared a blog with me about something related to submission, and I noticed the guy writing the blog was caged. I asked if that was something he was interested in.

    OMG! No! He really liked masturbating. He couldn't imagine not masturbating.

    Ok. Cool.

    A little over a year later, he was asking me to take control of his orgasms.


    Now, there are a few important things to note here:

    1. I had secured permission to "play in his head."

    2. I also renew this permission every 4-6 weeks. I think it's hot to have such permission, and it is also good for him to consciously open himself up to my manipulations (which affect his subconsciousness).

    3. I did not EVER during that time actually mention that I wanted to control his orgasms. Only after he asked did I gush about how enthusiastic I was, and he finally "got it, " and asked how long I'd been working on it.

    4. The reason I did not mention it is because then, he could have put up a block against the manipulation without realizing. Sometimes we do this, even with things we want, because we associate them with pain of some sort subconsciously. By not allowing him to put up that wall, I simply had to reward him positively every time he took a small step towards the path I wanted in attitude:

    • sharing blogs or writings with men in chastity/orgasm control.
    • not masturbating one night, because he was "saving" for me.
    • not cumming because he was saving for me.


    So, to go back to the original example of weight loss, if your mate wants to lose weight, but associates pain and deprivation with dieting, this sort of subtle rewards system can help put them on the right path over time, rather than trying to force them to acknowledge and understand the change.

    Another example from my reply to her is that she said she didn't enjoy anal sex:

    I also have a reluctance with anal. I have tried it and so far, I am aware it starts out unpleasant and then ends up almost overwhelming but pleasurable. At the same time I'm reluctant because I don't like the discomfort or the concept.

    Let me just say: Anal does not have to start out unpleasant. In fact, the starting parts can be the most pleasant of all, if you have trained right.

    So, let's talk about training, and what steps I would take (and teach):

    1. Dirty talking about anal, until you asked me for it.
    2. Teasing the outside of your asshole until you were naturally opening to let me in.
    3. Teasing between the two sphincters until you were begging for more.
    4. Going in deeper, again, as your own body learned to trust me and opened up for me.
    5. Possibly dirty talking (if you respond to that) to add pleasure and variety.
    6. Starting the widening/filling process.
    7. Work up to larger sizes with multiple fingers and toys.
    8. Go for it.
    9. ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS stop if there is ANY pain or discomfort. It means you went too fast.


    This takes time, which many people don't particularly like. However, it also associates ONLY pleasure with anal, and makes crazy anal sluts who love it.

    For example, this man, who is a BETA tester for my Learn To Love Anal program for men:

    Three weeks ago I would have scoffed at the suggestion that today I could accommodate the better part of my middle finger without any pain or discomfort. But thanks to your written guidance and audio program, today that happened. And I was so lost in the sensation and pleasure that I drooled all over the pillow supporting my head.
    Damn, woman, what are you doing to me! I love it!

    Now, keep in mind, I have never met this man, have never touched him, have never spoken to him personally. I have written to him via message on Fet, and provided him with my written instructions and audio guidance.

    Nothing more.

    Now, this type of conditioning would work for the original young lady, but it would also take even more time to overcome her negative experiences and association of anal = pain. That belief makes her tighten up even more (subconsciously) in the initial stages and MORE likely to feel pain, making her mindset a self-fulfilling prophecy.

    So, that's why rewarding small steps with pleasure works.

    But not overnight.


    Choose two different behaviors you'd like to modify. One that your mate WANTS to modify (enlist their help, involve them in the process), and one that you'd like to modify for yourself.

    Make sure you have their full permission and trust.

    Find small things to reward. Every small step towards your goal (whether they know what your goal is or not) is rewardable, until it becomes the norm, then only the next step is rewardable.

    Keep a journal of how progress is coming, and the things you are rewarding.

    Understand actually changing behavior takes time. Like New Year's Resolutions, changes in intentions are FAST. Changes in behaviors... not so much. Remember my example above of orgasm control. A YEAR. A full year to make him think it was his idea... yes, of course I 'fessed up and asked him again if he likes me playing in his head, LOL!

    Make notes of overall improvement for you to see as well, to reward your behavior for putting in the time and effort, and to look back over, when things seem to be taking a long time.


    I'd love to hear what any of you have done with behavior modification, especially in conscious versus unconscious areas.


    Unconditional Love?

    So in a comment on yesterday's post, a friend mentioned unconditional love. It caught my attention, and I thought I'd discuss this a bit.

    Drawing on the post I made a few days back, the definition of love is:

    1. an intense feeling of deep affection.

    When I think of this, I think of the feelings of wanting what's best for someone, feeling a depth of care, and acceptance of them as a whole person.

    That kind of love, I believe can be unconditional.

    The kind of love where you HAVE to be with them, hold their hand, have sex, marry, live together, laugh, play and travel together...

    That kind of love is not and, dare I say it, SHOULD NOT be unconditional.

    Now, if you read what I have to say very regularly, you will know I'm not one to tell people how to live their lives, but I'm kinda gonna here.

    Here's why I think THAT kind of love should NOT be unconditional.

    For the giver:

    You deserve to have conditions on who you choose to allow in your life. You deserve to get back the good stuff from your lover.

    • You deserve to have poly if you need it or monogamy.
    • You deserve someone sexually compatible with you.
    • You deserve a partner who communicates with you.
    • You deserve someone who respects your limits.
    • You deserve someone you enjoy spending time with.
    • You deserve someone who tells you that you are beautiful or smart, or whatever you need to hear.

    And if you do not have these things, no matter how much you love someone, you deserve to go find them elsewhere, and still love them and wish them all the best in finding a better match.

    For the receiver:

    The receiver deserves to have a chance to earn all of that love you have to offer. To live up to expectations, to grow to be someone greater and better than they were alone. To strive to please and gain the rewards.

    To not be one of a string of people given all the weight of your love and life for no reason but to exist.

    You see, it's by earning all of those wonderful things that a person can know they are truly special to you.

    If you simply hand over unconditional everything, no matter how a person walks all over you, does that make handing it over all that special?

    And of course...

    Everyone is the giver and the receiver in their relationships. Usually at the same time, but it definitely switches out through your life.

    So, yes, please, offer and accept love that includes affection, care and 100% acceptance of who you are unconditionally.

    Just don't think that means that you get sex. Or that you need to give it. Or that you should move in together, or get married, or stay married, or date, or put any effort in whatsoever.

    You can love someone and just not allow them into your life, because they have thrown that right away.

    Because your love is unconditional. Your actions are not.

    On Ownership

    To me, if you're doing it right, ownership and being owned go hand-in-hand.

    I have written this piece over and over this morning, trying to explain it. I have written pages of words that mean little and ramble lots.

    I deleted them, and I'm going back to the simplest example I can think of.


    Kaizen was my Dogo Argentino, pictured below, to the right.

    There is no doubt I owned him. He was mine. Heart and soul. My boy.

    And yet, he was 125 pounds (at this prime) of muscle and animal and instinct. He had his own notions about the world in general, and people that didn't always match well with mine.

    He was well-trained. Pleasant. And still a beast, however the veneer may have looked at any time.

    In many ways, our 9 1/2 years together was a partnership. I owned him, sure. It was clear that ownership came with strings that he tied around my heart and wove through my life, though.

    He was my dog. My boy. My big galoot. I was his owner. His source of food and walkies and fetch and treats and safety and comfort.

    He owns a piece of my heart, still, even though he is gone.

    It's the same with the people in my life.

    When I own, I am also owned. By duty. By need. By love.

    Because I'm The Dom, That's Why!

    The title is in honor of MsLiza from Community_House.

    Someone in a discussion said these things:

    The majority of dominant women are happy to reject traditional gender norms on the one hand while embracing them on the other (expecting chivalry, etc).
    They want to be in charge, but they don't want the responsibility of initiating conversations or the possibility of being rejected. That would hurt their oh-so-strong-and-powerful feelings.
    It's really quite tiresome to me personally. If I wanted conventional gender norms I'd date vanilla. It saddens me to see how many women out there claim to thwart traditional gender roles but only do so in tiny, ultra-specific contexts and the rest of the time march in lockstep to heteronormative, sex-negative, slut-shaming, male-dand prostitution) when I joked that boys "tribute" me with silly socks.

    Here's the thing, though: I get to choose how I want my relationship. Because I am the Dom.

    You don't like how I run it?

    Cool. I'm OK with that. Move on, and I will do the same, wishing you all the best in fulfilling your personal fantasies, while I fulfill mine.

    A Few Thoughts On Need...

    Meatloaf, Two Out of Three Ain't Bad


    I've always thought Meatloaf had it backwards.

    "I want you. I love you, but there ain't no way I'm ever going to need you..."

    THAT'S how I always thought it should go.

    • I need air.
    • I need food.
    • I need water.

    I don't need another human being to survive. To be happy. To work. To love. To live.

    Never have I ever thought I did.

    And, frankly, that has caused some strife in my relationships. My partners WANTED to be needed.

    I never got that.

    To me, loving someone and being with them because I wanted them was far batter than being with them because I could not live without them.

    But I didn't get it. I never got it.

    Now, I get it.

    It's not that kind of need. It's not "I need you to pay my bills," or "I need you to live," or even "I need you to be happy." It's not that.

    It's not desperate need. Well, except that it is.

    I need you to feel this way.

    I need you to experience this depth.

    I need you to touch me in the way only you can touch me that makes my body cry out to heaven.

    I need you to hear out my crazy ideas and distill them in the way you know how.

    I need you to wrap around me and cheer me up.

    I need you near me, so I can breathe you in.

    I need the feelings you create in me to exist, to be, to prove that I haven't been crazy or unrealistic all these years.

    I need you to have these things and more in my life.

    This need, I understand.

    Yes, I can live without. Yes, I can be happy without. But I will not have all of this. This that you have brought out in me. And I like all of this. I want all of this so badly.

    I need all of this to be who I am right now.

    And I like who I am.

    I need you to be who I am, right now. Please.

    I was reading this discussion on FetLife:


    I read with interest, although I will admit that I didn't necessarily read with attention to each detailed point being made. My brain was already onto thinking about my experiences, and wanting to write about them.


    So, the premise of the OP (original post) is that in scenes or relationships, if person A wants to be spanked, and person B wants to spank, then there is no power exchanged.

    I'll agree.

    However, that is simplistic.

    For example, in my relationship, there is more than a spanking.

    Pet wants to be spanked. It's a thing for him.

    He does not ALWAYS want to be spanked. He does not necessarily want to be spanked that hard or for punishment right now.

    And yet, he consents to that, because it is a part of our dynamic.

    You may not call that my power. I'm cool with that. But in the case of this discussion, it is.

    Another example: Early in our relationship, I asked Pet to try something with me, a set of cock exercises. He was skeptical. However, because he felt our relationship was worth it, he did them.

    To me, that is power.

    I got what I wanted, despite his skepticism.

    And, when the effects really began to pay off, I got even more power, because I will get what I want more often, because he has been positively rewarded.

    Now, some people MAY give this sort of thing up for a scene. Sure.

    I see it far more often in longer-term relationships, as the balance of power goes from "Sure, I'll do that thing I like doing when D-type tells me," to "I'll do what D-type tells me, even when I don't want, and I won't whine, because D-type has shown me that it works out well for me (or badly for me when I don't)."

    Of course, I don't always see that in long-term relationships, either.

    Trust is a component of power in many relationships, and it sometimes never built, and therefore power is never really shifted.

    And that's OK.

    However, I do love my power. *smiles*

    My Cuckold Love Story

    I recorded a 20-minute personal audio for Pet, based on our cuckolding relationship and the erotic humiliation I have done during some of our recent lovemaking sessions.

    He suggested that others might like to hear some of what we do that is more intimate, so I re-recorded a sample length piece to share.

    Sample, 2:28

    Come Out The The Venue: Friday, December 11!

    I'm teaching!

    The Alpha Submissive—How to Yield Your Strength

    You know you are submissive. And yet, you are a strong, take-charge kind of guy or girl, which makes some dominants complain of topping-from-the bottom, or claim that you're not submissive at all. How do you find your submission and yield, when the time is truly right?

    And, of course, after is the play party! *smiles*

    Behavior Modification: Fun & Compliance, Exercise 2

    Physical punishment.
    • Physical punishment is USUALLY a submissive’s desire (and therefore a reward).
    • Physical punishment CAN be a catharsis.

    So, how do we do the second and not the first, when a desire for physical is present in the sub?

    Here’s how I do it:

    • I talk it through. I meet my sub mind-to-mind, like the human adults we are.
    • I find common ground. I hear his side, and I adjust mine to what I deem is right as necessary.
    • I decide the outcome and communicate it clearly.
    • I forgive, so that all is put to rest.
    • I physically punish, for catharsis. To release the guilt he will carry for disappointing me. I start hard, and I stay hard. It’s not for play. It’s sharp and painful, and it makes my point.

    This is how I do it. It is what works for us.


    I also “funish.” Funishment, for us includes spankings and such. I’ll make up rules he’s never heard of, or perceived slights for my amusement for funishment.

    Two very different things. One is difficult and painful and stressful, but releases negative feelings. The other is fun and kinky and leaves us smiling, and in love, and often quite horny.



    Exercise 2
    The next time you have a punishable moment, try the method I outlined above.

    Take the steps each, one-by-one.

    What happens? How does it feel to you? Talk to your sub a day or so after. How did they respond? How do they feel about it?

    Exercise 2a

    Play with funishment. Find ways to work funishment into your interactions. Find small (even made-up) faults that can be used to "punish" your sub for not performing.

    For example:

    • Joking around with friends, she says, "No, he's got it all wrong, the way it happened was..." You say, "So, you're saying I'm wrong?" with a twinkle in your eye. She gets it later.
    • He brings you a glass of ice water as requested. You suggest it could have used 2 more (or fewer) ice cubes. He gets it, while you both laugh.
    • She went to lunch with a girlfriend. You make a story about wild, sexual, slutty adventures she went on without you. She gets it right then and there.

    And so on.

    I'd love to hear others' experiences with punishments. Even different points of view. If you try the exercises, please share your results.


    I’m finishing up Book 1 right now, and I’ll be offering it to my testing group within the next day or so.

    This series focuses on unlocking anal pleasure for men, specifically. I am considering writing one for women as well, but there are some factors that I’d like to do differently, so I’m focusing on men and their bottoms (and prostates) exclusively in this project.

    Each book in the series includes a written guide and several audio files, including an instructional and a guided imagery, plus a couples’ instructional, making it perfect for single men and coupled men whose partners (M, F, T, etc..) want to create deeper intimacy, provide them with the best anal pleasure possible, and avoid all of the anal mistakes that can cause pain and damage in such a sensitive area.

    I’m truly excited by this!

    I’ve had so many people ask for more details on creating a good training program for male anal play, and I was finally inspired by the perfect format!


    I'm Looking For A Few Anal Guinea Pigs...

    So, I had this brilliant (I think) idea this morning, and I've started working on it already.

    And as I was writing, I was thinking that I'd love to get a few different POVs on the project as I go. I'd love questions, feedback, testing, etc.

    Here's what I'm looking for:

    MM or MF Couples Interested in Anal Training, Specifically For Him (5 Or So)

    So, again, I'd prefer not a lot of experience, but an expert or two may make their case.

    (Sorry, I've already filled my quota of single men. I'd like only couples at this point.)

    Here's what I'm offering:

    An Anal Training Course in Multiple Parts/Series

    This will include:

    • Written words—How-to and dialog/fantasy play
    • Audio
    • Support (from me) via FL, text, email
    Here's what I'm hoping to get out of it:


    I want actual feedback, questions, comments, suggestions, etc. I want to make this amazing.


    If I choose you, please participate. I know the holidays are coming up, so if you are too busy for maybe 1-2 hours per week or so, please don't offer. This is about your fantasies, after all, so be sure you can commit.


    The final products will be made available for sale on Amazon. I'd love a review sent to me for use in promotion/back of book, and a review posted on Amazon as well on the final product (if you can).

    So, message me if you're interested or with question to find out more.

    And, please spread the word to anyone you think may be interested. Thanks!


    Don't Be THAT Girl

    Everyone knows THAT girl, except maybe that girl herself.

    It's the girl who looks for all of her validation and attention form men, shunning women, holding them at arm's length. She uses her sexuality to make friends quickly, instead of putting in the time to really get to know her peers.

    THAT girl.

    As I said, that girl may not know she is that girl. She's got reasons for what she does, after all:

    • Women just don't like me.
    • Men are easy to get along with.
    • Women are backstabbers.
    • Men aren't as superficial.
    • Women are jealous of me.
    • Men don't talk about people behind their backs.

    Sure, every woman has been the focus of another woman's jealousy at least once. Everyone has been stabbed in the back, talked about.

    It's part of life. It's part of growing up.

    But women need female friends. To give them perspective. To tell them the truth. To support them, lift them up. To understand what it's like to be female.

    Don't get me wrong, we also need male friends. We need every kind of friend possible.

    When women only have male friends (even gay male friends), though, something is missing. And we miss out on the support that helps us make the right choices, stand up for ourselves, and just generally be proud of being female.

    And, by not befriending women, we make ourselves a target. For men, who know we are isolated. For women, who know we have no allegiance to other women.

    And no, I'm not saying it's always or all the woman's fault. Of course it's not.

    How do you know if you are THAT girl?

    • You have many male friend and no or few female friends.
    • You meet a couple, and you text the male regularly, passing any messages for her through him.
    • You focus your attention on men.
    • You find women to be nearly universally jealous of you.
    • You just find yourself always gravitating towards men, rather than women.
    • You play with men without checking out the lay of the land, ie: whether another has claim on him, or has their eyes on him, etc. (Yes, he has blame here, too), and have gotten caught in a sticky situation more than once.

    But you're just being yourself, right? Maybe. Think it over, though. Because it's pretty likely your bias is a result of insecurities more than it is you "just being yourself."

    Of course, you can be who you want. I'm not going to force anything on you.

    But, take it from a former THAT girl, having girlfriends make the world a MUCH better place.

    Yeah, it takes more time to get to know women and earn their trust, to really make friends, but it's worth every moment. They provide you a mirror that tells you the truth, "Girl, you're being...

    • A cunt."
    • Stupid. Why you let him do you like that?"
    • Horny. He's NOT all that, aside from the abs."
    • Played. He's all up in another girl's grill."


    • Amazing! You rock that outfit!"
    • Smart. He is the PERFECT guy!"
    • Loving. I'm honored to have a friend like you."
    • Badass! You make Steven Segal look like Goldilocks with your strong self!"

    Your girls are good for this.

    Why do I even mention this, if everyone has a right to be as they choose? Two reasons:

    1. I've seen a LOT of THOSE girls recently, usually women relatively new to the scene. They often get run off and avoided by men over time, because without the support of the women in the community, the men don't want to rock their own boats. Those men who will are often the ones that the women avoid anyway, so that could be a red flag in itself...

    2. I was one of THOSE girls, and I've built a core of friends over the past 8 years that are amazing, wonderful, loving, supportive, and willing to tell me what they think, listen to my crazy ideas, and give feedback on whatever social conundrums I might run into.

    So, I have been part of a forum for men since 2007, focused on helping men gain compliance from their sexually submissive female partners.

    Yeah, I know. I'm not submissive.

    I do know the material though, and I've always been fascinated by behavior modification, and I love seducing women (and men) into compliance, so I fit right in... if as a bit of an anomaly.

    Recently, a man who is struggling with his lead asked about some ways to start easy on creating compliance.

    I suggested using texts (based on the conversation we've been having with this man).

    Steps For Basic Compliance Behavior Modification Exercise 1

    Every time you talk via text, you have the opportunity to make a request. Every time you make a request, you have the opportunity to reward compliance.

    It's simple. Start small.

    For example, text:

    Please fill in the blank on this statement: If you were here with me right now, I'd most want you to _____.

    When she responds, tie the praise into that. Then, follow-up the next time you see her with exactly that.

    She responds:

    If you were here right now, I'd most want you to touch me all over, softly and gently.

    You respond:

    Mmmm. There is nothing I would enjoy more than running my fingers all over your body, driving you insane with desire, and showing you what a good girl I think you are.

    You could also use it to launch phone sex some time.

    Remember when you mentioned you'd like me to ____? Imagine that now. I am ____...

    You see?

    When you see her next, do it 'again.' For real. For a long time. Until she begs for release...


    This reinforces her compliance. Also harnesses her creativity and makes that part of her YOUR tool to use to reinforce her submission and create fun sexy times for you both.


    Yes, I wrote this for a man to use on a woman.

    No, it does not work only for D-men to use on s-women. ANYONE can use this technique. ANYONE.

    • D-women on men and women.
    • D-men on men and women.
    • Anyone with anyone (modified to non-sexy/kinky, even).

    It's very powerful, and not only that, it's FUN for everyone.

    Which is part of what makes it very powerful.


    I'd love to hear your thoughts. I'd also love to read your results, if you try this.

    Yesterday, I wrote about penis size and why I don't believe it's a factor of dominance. Someone responded with this comment.

    Everyone is different but people are too quick to judge, label and put in boxes.

    On the surface, this is true. It's something we say all the time. Hell, I even say that I don't judge, and that is one reason I think people like me, despite my obvious flaws (which are legion).


    And this is a BIG but (like mine, LOLOL!)

    Yeah, my terrible sense of humor is one of those glaring flaws, deal with it.


    Humans have survived through judging.

    Here's a quick synopsis of human behavior and evolution (whether you believe in darwinism, Adam & Eve, or the Flying Spaghetti Monster):

    When humans, back in the day, met someone that they didn't know, they had three choices:

    1. Befriend
    2. Fight
    3. Run

    If they chose befriend or fight, they stuck around. And they may have been right or wrong.

    If they ran, of course they could be chased, but they would be removing themselves from one of the other options.

    So, let's look at this:

    Right: Make Friend +1
    Wrong: Dead/Bad Things -1

    Right (about winning): The Other Gets Dead/Bad Things +1
    Wrong: Dead/Bad Things -1

    Right: No Dead/Bad Things Yourself +1
    Wrong: Still No Dead/Bad Things Yourself -1

    Not getting into factors such as making friend could bring more than +1 benefits, or that killing someone whether right or wrong about their intentions can bring an entire tribe down upon you and therefore lead to more than -1 benefits...

    Run away and avoid different was the MOST likely to get you good results.

    And even those who did not choose to run were split between befriend and fight, with fight likely winning out in the "survivors" ratio, simply because they were prepared for the worst, even if they did switch to befriend after not-killing.

    Therefore, judging something as "different" and either running away (eek! Change is scary!) or fighting it is 2/3 of our potential right choices, and are hardwired into our brain.

    So, we have to judge. Instantly. Immediately. So that we can survive.

    It's what we do with that judging that matters.

    So, our brains sort and categorize even before we are aware. It's what happens. That's neither bad nor good. It is what is. I see a new person, and I immediately get a lot of information:

    • Human
    • Male
    • Tall
    • Light-skinned
    • Dark hair
    • Beard
    • Cute
    • Threatening or non-threatening body language

    And so on... So, because of these observations and my experience in this world, I will make several assumptions on how to approach, which may or may not be right.

    The key part is:

    ...which may or may not be right.

    This is where many people go horribly, terribly, inhumanly wrong with judging and labeling. They make assumptions and accept them as fact, rather than continuing to create new labels and categories/sub-categories to fit the unique human being standing before them

    So, let's continue. Tall dude looks pretty damn masculine to me, so I assume he is straight or bi, and will find me attractive, and approach him that way.

    No, let's say he's gay. Or asexual. Or just not into wicked-smart-mostly-dominant-women-with-a-tiny-waist-and-thick-hips-and sparkling-eyes. Or, just not into ME.

    But I don't change my assumptions. He is man. He is cute. Therefore, he must be attracted to me.

    That is where I'm the asshole.

    Not in judging the situation incorrectly to begin with, but in not accepting the change in perspective. Not treating him like the human he is, but as the human I have judged him to be.


    What Does It Take To Be A Dom?

    On tumblr, someone posted this:
    I wish my ex-husband Scott could have been this guy for me… but the reality is, you can’t be a Dom with a four inch penis. Just. Not. Possible.

    My reply:

    I respect this woman’s right to state her opinion. As a cuckoldress, it seems like a pretty standard opinion.

    However, I beg to differ.

    The size of your cock (the size of your wallet, your boob size, how skinny you are, a leather allergy, color of your skin) does NOT have any factor in how dominant of a person you are (or are not).


    I know men who are short, fat, ugly and hung like hamsters who still do just fine with their dominance.

    In fact, I know more than one submissive woman who PREFERS a smaller cock. One woman I know HATES anything over 5 inches. It’s uncomfortable for her.

    So, again, I respect the fact that you cannot be THAT WOMAN’S DOM with a four inch penis. That’s fair, for those who prefer larger cocks and associate those to manhood/aggression/dominance.

    However, it has no bearing whatsoever on whether you can be “a Dom” in my view.

    Your thoughts?

    And if that makes me an asshole, well, then, so be it.

    Yes, I need your consent to interact with you. Of course I do.

    In fact, consent to me needs three things:

    1. Enthusiasm.
    2. The ability to intellectually understand what you are consenting to.
    3. 100% sobriety when consenting.

    THAT is what your consent means to me.

    And yet, your consent is not as important to me as my consent. And it NEVER will be.

    Because my consent is what determines whether anything happens.


    You may consent all you want.

    Hell, I got crazy wankers consenting all up in my inbox (no matter that I suspect that numbers 2 and 3 are not fully represented, sometimes).

    But If I do not consent, your consent doesn't amount to a hill of beans. Less, even. I like beans, and I can eat them. And I like to cook.

    I can't eat your consent, or do anything good with it at all.

    At least not without my consent.

    What about when I am seeking your consent, you ask?

    Your consent is important. Critical, even.

    However, mine is still more important, because without my consent, your consent will never be sought.

    I Recognize And Respond To The Human In You.

    So, this past Friday, I taught a Behavior Modification basics class at The Venue.

    One of the questions/comments got me talking about needs/priorities, and how I personally prefer to interact with others.

    I've mentioned it before, I interact with people as human first. Then, their preferred gender orientation, then their role in my life (friend, lover, etc), their their D/s role (dom, submissive).

    The highest priority is that we are human.

    Today, on another forum, where I discuss behavior and sex (surprise, right?), there was a discussion about making eye contact.

    One guy tried it and didn't get great results. Another guy had some amazing things to say, including this:

    Some people advise to look at a woman with a blank stare. For some guys, that blank stare is a little creepy.
    Some people advise to look at a woman with a soft, trance-like gaze. I'm sure many guys have had good success with this.
    I've got my own look. It's strong, yet relaxed enough to let her know that she's safe. I'll have the slightest hint of a bad boy smirk to let her know that I like what I'm looking at.
    The results I've gotten are nothing short of amazing. It seems that the strongest, most self-confident women are the ones that respond best. Some will lock on and won't break the gaze. I found it so powerful that, at first, I was the one who broke and looked away. This was a sticking point for me on my road to curing my nice guy, but I pushed through it and eventually got to the point where I never look away, no matter how hot the woman. I'm amazed at how much sexual tension can be created without saying a word.
    For me, this eye contact exercise brought some very unexpected results. When you look at another human being like that, when you really look into their eyes, you connect in a deeper way than ever before. For me, this was a breakthrough. Suddenly, I no longer saw only the outside. I saw the woman inside. I could see the incredible feminine charm of women I thought were average. A hot woman that I thought was out of my league became just another attractive woman. My confidence around women got a huge boost.
    Because of this exercise, I've changed. I don't look at any woman the same. I lock eyes with every woman now. The other day, I stopped at a supermarket on my way home from work. There was a little 80-year old Armenian woman sitting outside the store. I locked eyes with her. She lit up and was almost in tears. I don't think anyone has looked at her like that in 30 years.

    Which touched me.

    And I responded, and wanted to share that with you as well.

    I have lived a charmed life. I have done things that I should not have survived. People who should not have done me good have. Over and over and in the most bizarre situations.

    I went for a walk last spring, from my BF's home. I walked a few miles, and sent a text to my BF (he was at work):

    "A man just told me I'm beautiful! Too beautiful to be walking here."

    A conversation ensued about how I was not being safe walking where I was (I didn't know Raleigh well yet). I allowed him his worry, promised not to do it again.

    HOWEVER, I also realized I have ONE philosophy that I think has kept me from harm.

    I look at every person as an interesting and worthwhile human being.


    And I usually smile.

    And I believe this has saved my ass in the most unusual situations. One man told me (after he spontaneously invited me to lunch, told me I was not safe smiling at people like that, and told me his life story and then some...) that he thought that one of three things happened when I did that:

    1. People who may have planned harm knew that I was actually paying them attention, and reconsidered me as a mark.

    2. People who may have planned harm just felt acknowledged as a human, and appreciated that, as do others who don't plan harm.

    3. Some people just start talking, desperate to make contact, and see where that goes.

    I love all of these results, and I am grateful for them in my life.

    And, for all of our faults and peccadillos, I love humans.

    Yes, There Are More Submissives Than Dominants.

    And I don't just mean there are fewer FemDoms to male submissives. I mean there are fewer dominant people than there are submissive people.


    Across all genders/interests/lifestyles.

    Of course there are. There HAVE to be. For humans to survive through history there HAD to be more followers than leaders!

    You get it, now?

    And yes, that means that some people will never find their perfect partner. Louis CK sums it up perfectly:

    (although that last line is highly illogical, as if people don't just fuck "across," then someone is fucking down, every time someone fucks up)

    However, all hope is not lost.

    Not everyone needs GrandLordlyDommyMcBonerPants, the tippest toppest of all the domly doms.

    And that's good. Because, really, there is only one of those, ever. Or, one in each state, or one in each city or one in each clique...

    In fact, some experts say that there is 1 leader to every 99 followers.

    There is merit in this, but I think it paints a very sad picture.

    If we were to suggest that out of every 100 people, that there is one that is most dominant and one that is least dominant, then the other 98 will be "Shades of Grey" in between.

    So #80 will still be more dominant than #20. And #35 will still be more dominant than #28.

    So, while #35 may not be GrandLordlyDommyMcBonerPants or MistressGoddesSheWhoMustBeObeyedBecauseTheV, there is still as much leadership there as #28 may need in his/her life, if not "quite" enough to write racy romance novels and make wank-fodder porn from... at least not on a daily basis.

    So, don't give up hope. Not quite yet.

    "No! Try not. Do or do not. There is no try." - Yoda

    Anthony Robbins also has a fun skit on trying to pick up a chair, that I've quoted below:

    A woman struggling in her marriage stood up in one of Tony's seminars to complain that she had “tried everything” to improve her relationship with her husband but nothing had changed.
    Tony went on to make a distinction that I think is vitally important. He asked the woman to try to pick up the chair she was sitting in. She turned around and picked up the chair.
    Tony said, “No, you picked it up. I said try to pick it up.”
    The woman looked confused. Tony reiterated, “Try to pick it up.” The woman just stood there, not knowing what to do.
    Tony continued, “No, now you’re not picking it up. I said try to pick it up.” Again, she picked up the chair.
    Again, Tony, said, “No, you picked up the chair. I asked you to try and pick it up. You either pick it up, you don’t pick it up, or you try to pick it up.”

    Trying is awesome.

    When I try I don’t really have to do anything. It provides me with a built-in excuse for why I don't accomplish any outcome I say I want. Because I gave myself the out from the beginning, saying that I would try.

    For a long time, I never tried. I just did. I had amazing adventures, traveled the country, climbed the ranks in a corporation, started and ran my own business...

    I was young.

    As I got older, I was suddenly responsible for stuff, and all that "just doing" needed to be considered next to what I had to take care of.

    Suddenly, I learned the art of "trying."

    Hell, I'm pretty damn good at it. That's nothing to be proud of, though. Most people I know are.

    Here's the thing I had to realize: I either do something or I don’t do it. Trying is really the same as not doing it. It just makes it easier for me to let myself off the hook when I fail.

    So, I have adopted a new philosophy:

    Win! (Or Fail Spectacularly.)

    In other words, I will do. I will do what I set my mind to with everything I have. I will give it my all, and I will push through. Until I win.


    Until I fail. Spectacularly. Big time.

    Because if I've put it ALL in there, I will fail big.

    And watch me fall, if that that happens! Bring your popcorn, enjoy the fireworks. Laugh at me for wanting so much, for reaching for the stars, for throwing myself in without a safety net.

    Yes. It will be a grand show.

    Just watch me.


    You could join me.

    Ethics: Moral Principles That Govern A Person's Or Group's Behavior, Ethics Discussion, Part I

    As so often happens, ethics have been coming up in many of my conversations of the past few weeks. So much so that I feel a need to write on the topic.

    There is so much I can say, but let me start with this:

    Ethics are not universal.

    Ethics are the set of moral principles that guide a person's behavior. These morals are shaped by social norms, cultural practices, and religious influences. Ethics reflect beliefs about what is right, what is wrong, what is just, what is unjust, what is good, and what is bad in terms of human behavior. They serve as a compass to direct how people should behave toward each other, understand and fulfill their obligations to society, and live their lives. (1)

    Bold is mine.

    So, on OkCupid, there is a question that asks: Is morality universal? Morality is defined as 'principles concerning the distinction between right and wrong or good and bad behavior,' and is the basis for ethics.

    Your culture influences your morality. Your family influences your morality (for good or ill). Your environment influences your morality (what is appropriate in business is not necessarily appropriate in a social situation, for example). Your religion influences your morality. Your experiences and peer groups also influence your morality, either to strengthen or weaken it.

    Therefore, I could argue that since no two people can have exactly the same culture, family, environment, religion, experiences and peer groups, no two people will have exactly the same morality and ethics.

    And that's OK. In many cases, it may not make a difference at all.

    Of course, in some cases, the smallest deviation might lead us to war, but that's another issue, entirely... grins

    Ethics do not equal action.

    Simply put, believing something is right or wrong does not inherently mean that I (or you) will act upon that.

    It is easy to believe that something should be done (because it is right) and that I am not the one to do it (because I have greater priorities, a lack of skillset, or just plain apathy).

    For example, I believe that people should be putting more efforts into protecting pangolins in Asia, however, the most I do is share photos and articles on Facebook. I'm just not ready to take up that cause any deeper, because, well, I have other priorities.

    Ethics do inform action, though.

    So, I base the majority of my actions on what I believe is right. Sometimes, it is a battle between what is right FOR ME and what is just plain right.

    Those are not easy.

    A person's actions will tell you a lot about their ethics. Even small actions (making a facebook post) can mean something. Sometimes as much as a big action (flying to Asia for a while to rescue pangolins—which I can't, because they really don't allow people without training and such to do, but I totes could get the training,a nd the shots and whatever, but then I'd totally be leaving other things that are right for me, like being a companion to my Pet and a friend to those who lean on me, and so on and so on) tells you more about what a person feels is right for THEM (running away from it all), rather than what is right.

    However, rather than taking one action and trying to extrapolate a person from there (Jim and Tammy Faye, anyone?), I suggest looking their actions as a whole, and over time.

    That means...

    ...taking the time to get to know them.

    Shocking! No, actually what's shocking is how often this does not happen.

    How assumptions about ethics can harm you:

    It's easy! Take me, for example. You don't know me.

    Or, well, maybe you do. Many do that read my writings regularly, but many do not. Or at least not well.

    So, you are reading this, and you think, "Damn, she's writing about ethics. And hey, I pretty much agree with her. She must be ethical."

    Written out like that, it seems a bit naive, yes?

    It is.

    And yet, it happens. People "know" me through my writings, through my teachings. Some even through talking with me a bit here and there.

    VERY VERY few know me through any kind of play or intimacy.

    And yet, people I have never met before introduce themselves and ask for a scene/play/intimacy because a friend who has been to a class says I'm amazing. Their friend BARELY knows me!

    I'm not telling you I'm not trustworthy. I do everything in my power to be so.

    But you don't KNOW this unless you know me. And you don't know me unless you've spent real time around me, talking to me, watching how I interact with others, learning my actions and ethics.

    Oh! What about when people make mistakes? ONE mistake can dog a person forever, when it is simply one action taken out of the context of many.

    That's just as not-OK as assuming someone is safe because of unrelated factors.

    Because knowing a bit about someone, knowing their public face or the rumors about them, is not the same as knowing how they will react in various situations.

    Or what their base code of ethics is.

    What are YOUR thoughts on ethics? Do you have examples you can share?

    I have more, but this is long enough, so this will be Part I. smiles


    (1) Source: Boundless. “Defining Ethics.” Boundless Management. Boundless, 21 Jul. 2015. Retrieved 11 Nov. 2015 from…

    What is Dominance? a Day with NookieNotes at La Fortress 11/21/15

    What is Dominance? In the world of BDSM, dominance has it's own set of responsibilities that go way beyond the dictionary definition. In the first hour (or so) of our day, we'll discuss what dominance is, and each of us can create our own personal definition, to use when choosing the right path, or when communicating with potential submissives.

    And speaking of submissives, Let's talk about who they are. What are the different types of submissives, and what is best suited to you? We'll also discuss the Alpha submissive in this section, and how to handle those "usually dominant" handfuls with grace and compassion.

    After lunch, (1 pm ) we'll dive into two of my favorite topics: Communication and Behavior Modification. The afternoon will be all about how these two powerful tools combine to give you everything you need to be the best dominant you can be for the one or many submissives in your life.

    We'll not only discuss the theories, but as an interactive class, you'll be encouraged to ask questions about your own situations, discuss your goals, and we'll all help you craft your next steps.

    You will walk away more aware of the currents of power in every little thing you do, and how to potentially turn those to your advance in creating a deeper, more fulfilling (mentally, emotionally and sexually) d/s relationship with your partner(s).

    This class is designed for men and women, dominants and switches. We encourage you to bring your submissive partner(s) as well, as they can offer insight, and learn more about their own roles as the yin to our yang.

    You definitely don't want to miss this! Only $10 for ALL DAY? Uh, yes, please!

    Oh! The Irony!

    In my profile, I have a set of instructions that reads like this:

    When writing, please introduce yourself, send a photo (if you do not have one in your profile), and tell me exactly what caught your interest in this profile. If you are not within an hour or so of me geographically, then also provide your plan for meeting me in person within the next two weeks. If you write wanting more than a simple friendship without ANY of these things, I may ask you ONCE, I may simply decline. I prefer someone with an attention to detail and a willingness to perform.

    slave_wannabe (not his real name):

    Mistress willing to surrender to the right Mistress mind body and soul, its all about YOU and i will learn to please, worship and serve your every whim, i will obey and take punishments for your amusement and pleasure, slave john to get to know and trust YOU.


    If it is about me, perhaps you should read my profile and actually follow my instructions.


    Nookie, you have a nice profile but its long, follow what instructions, willing to comply, slave john


    If you cannot even read a full profile for instructions, then you are not a good fit for me.

    Best of luck, slave_wannabe.


    As Seen In Kink Weekly... Again…

    I'm proud to be tagged again. Spread the word.

    I'm Teaching November 13th At TheVenue!

    Here's what I'm up to:

    TheVenue: NookieNotes class on Behavior Modification
    Event Link on FetLife

    • Friday, November 13, 2015 · 7:00 PM – 3:00 AM
    What is behavior modification? It's how behavior is changed through interaction. In D/s circles, we may call it training, but even in vanilla situations, behavior modification happens whether you want it to or not. So, since it's going to happen anyway, why not do it right? This class is all about the basics of behavior modification and how to make it work for you in your relationships, and how to use it as the basis for more in-depth D/s training. Come join us for the class and stay to play after.

    I hope all of you can join in for this class, not just the D-types, but everyone!

    Behavior modification happens in every relationship, D/s and vanilla, whether you intend it to or not. Better to have the basic understanding of how it works, to make it work for you and your partner, your kids, your dogs...


    And for submissives, it will also help to have a clearer view of what you respond best to, especially when you are communicating with your D-type or looking for a new partner.

    An Epiphany, Or How I Can Be So Fucking Dense

    So, I read a piece by TheFerrett

    almost a month ago, Mastering Polyamorous Alert Notifications

    , and I thought to myself, "Hey, I should discuss this with my Pet. I think we have different alerts."

    But, I didn't. He was out of town (and out of cell range). I was missing him, and life was hectic. I kept it up in my browser for three weeks, and kept meaning to talk it over... and then my browser windows closed, and I lost it, although I still knew it was "there" and needed discussing, it didn't happen.

    Because I'm dense.

    Oh, and that's not the only proof. Believe me. I'll tell you more, but...

    First a story.

    As I wrote over 6 years ago

    , I was once married. And it was abusive.

    Not physically. I totally could have seen that.

    No, it was far more insidious. The man who claimed to love me above all others went from being a devoted and attentive partner to being a judgmental, abusive alcoholic.

    But it was so slow, that the difference between the first year and the last was not noticed by me until WAY too late.

    Anyway, as I have said many times, I was not good with people for most of my life. I'm still not, sometimes. And back then, it was a point of weakness that my ex could use against me.

    And here is one way he did it.

    When I met new people, men, women, whomever, and I told him and got excited about new potential and experiences, he would wait until something went wrong, and point out how bad I was with people, or at reading people, and make it all my fault.

    If I was eager to be friends, and they didn't follow through, it was my awkwardness. If they wanted more from me (sexually, for example), it was my fault. It was my fault I was staked by a near stranger.

    So, I stopped being ans open and enthusiastic and excited. I stopped telling him when I met new people, and eventually stopped meeting many new people.

    I told myself it was because of business. I was crazy busy building an empire, and it was easy to throw myself into that, and not place blame on him, where it belonged.

    My boyfriend after, when i told him about meeting new people, would launch into diatribes about "I don't trust him. I trust you, but I don't trust him."

    So, I kept quiet.

    Which bring me to denseness proof #2...

    I have an amazing relationship with my Pet. From day 1.

    And he has asked me over and over in plain English to tell him when I'm meeting people, and what it means.

    I kept interpreting that to mean, "Tell me when something may turn into sex."

    Which is NOT what he meant at all.

    Denseness proof #3

    And I didn't realize that I was hiding things.

    Denseness proof #4

    And I didn't realize that it would feed his insecurities. Make him wonder what I was up to, make him guess the worst.

    Because I was busy protecting myself and logic-ing it.

    After all, he didn't need to know when I just met someone for tea, right? It didn't mean anything. It was just a chat.

    Unless it turned into sex.

    MORE denseness proof...

    And yet, he is a cuckold. Even the insignificant (to me) tea meetings could be a source of connection to me and my world. To the jealousies he loves to experience. To the security of knowing that I am open and share everything with him.

    He said he wanted to know everything.

    I didn't TRUST him.

    I figured he wanted to know everything EXCEPT the uncomfortable stuff. Or the stuff that didn't matter, in my eyes.

    When he was telling me (for years, literally), everything.

    I know now.

    I have made that synapse connection.

    It is now a policy. And I'm glad. I'm relieved, in a way. To not have to bear the burden of "when to tell?"

    And even more glad that Pet took the time to allow me to understand, despite his frustration over my seemingly pinpointed idiocy.

    And now...

    I know I will never shy away from being 100% straightforward again. Because if a partner cannot accept me and my life, they do not belong in a position of partnership.

    I should have realized that Pet was better than all of my fears and insecurities (even if I didn't know I had them, even if I thought I was over them).

    I do, now.

    I may still be dense. I may still sometimes be an idiot. I will always be human.

    This, however, I have overcome.

    YAY to Kink Weekly for looking for super-quality content!


    Because I Want It. Because I Need It.

    On FetLife, I have chosen the role of "kinkster" as my very own, despite that I live my life as a dominant woman.

    The reason for that label, as the very-dear-to-me -Kiba- says, "It's the closes thing to 'yes' I could find in the drop-down menu.


    I am an experiential person.

    I learn best through experiences. I love trying new things. I enjoy diving deep into things and exploring what they mean and how they work.

    I like processing new thoughts, feeling new sensations, Trying new ideas.

    Now, I am not as gung-ho as some (ahem, Cessna24), mostly because I am an introvert, and I tend to take a lot of time to build a connection with people. And many experiences, especially in this lifestyle, require other people.

    Some might say I've chosen the wrong lifestyle, then, me being someone who spent most of her life avoiding needing other people for things.

    But I didn't choose the wrong lifestyle. Nor did I choose the wrong label.

    Kinkster is just right for me, instead of dominant, because I enjoy trying new things without a label pinning me down.

    Because I want it.

    There was this one time a dominant woman walked up to me as I had ropes trailing off my body, and with a sneer on her face, said, "You're getting tied up? I thought you were a dominant."

    My response was, "Yup, and I enjoy rope, too."

    This September at the FAD retreat, I was again given the opportunity to play in rope, and once we got the group shoot done, I asked for another mini-session that I had gotten an idea for. The result:

    I love this photo, and I'd like to recreate it in a more controlled setting. I enjoyed being suspended in the ropes, the creativity of the shot, and the end result.

    I enjoyed the experience.

    And I want experiences like this.

    But experiences are just experiences to me. They are fun, like a roller coaster or a road trip. They create the highlight reel of my life.

    My dominance is another matter.

    Because I need it.

    I cannot not want to be dominant in my relationships. I have been for as long as I can remember.

    I have not always succeeded. I've failed more often than not, actually. I gave in "for love" too many times, before I realized that by doing so, I was letting myself and my lovers down.

    Dominance is who I am.

    I love to run things. I'm naturally bossy. I work at making things right and better. I want to help people improve in life and love. I care about the people around me. I have the mind for it.

    And I need it.

    I crave it.

    I want nothing more than to see the eyes of another suddenly go soft and yielding to me.

    It is my catnip. My heroin. My drug of choice.

    It is a sip of life. Of passion. of desire.

    It is what drives my love.

    There, I said it. In an intimate relationship, the trust and yielding from another is what keeps my love flowing. That desire to please fans my flames. That need to grow together and make more of US than of you and me is what gets me wet, makes me pants, and satisfies that deep soul hunger.

    And that is why I choose "kinkster" as my role.

    Because I want experiences.

    Because I need to be dominant.

    So, as often happens, I've had quite a few conversations over the past week about one topic:

    Jealousy within romantic relationships.

    And in those discussions, the conclusion I've arrived at is that jealousy is really a form of romantic entitlement. Yes, it includes envy. Yes, it includes fear. But mostly, it seems to me to be the belief that One person has more of a right to another person's time/sexy stuff/love/whathaveya than another person.



    • the fact of having a right to something.
    • the amount to which a person has a right.
    • the belief that one is inherently deserving of privileges or special treatment.

    So, can this be true? Can one person have a right to another person? Well, no. Not in my world.

    But can we believe we have a right to another person?


    And we feel jealousy when we feel that entitlement. Because when someone else gets what we feel we deserve, we have fear.

    I am not knocking jealousy. At all.

    Hell, everyone has a right to their feelings. Even feelings that might encourage us to do bad things have a place in our lives. Because they tell us where we can work on ourselves.

    So, when you feel jealousy, embrace it. Realize what it's telling you. That you need more. Want more. And could possibly let go of your need and desire to control others more.

    Oh, and it could also possibly let you know that you need to give more.

    That is, you may feel like you deserve more time and attention from someone... but you don't. No matter how long you have been in someone's life, no matter how much you have given in the past, there is no 'deserve.' There is earn.

    A relationship is a transaction, and every person gets to determine the value of their attention for themselves.

    Yes, they may feel you've built up "bank" of attention, but you do not have an inherent right to claim that. It is always and 100% theirs to give.

    So, perhaps, if you feel like you are not getting enough attention from someone, it's time to step up your game. Or realize that they don't see as much value in what you offer as you do. Or, just possibly, begin to understand that they may not be a good match for you, if that's what it takes.

    And jealousy/romantic entitlement is a very strong feeling. Hard to miss. It can be like broadsword running you through to point out that you have a sliver in your finger.

    And because it's easy to feel, it's easy to use to pinpoint any potential areas of fear and need in your relationship.

    How are you with jealousy? Feel it a lot? Not much? What really gets you going? Do you use jealousy to learn more about yourself and your relationships?

    I Have My Cake And Eat It, Too

    So, I've said over and over that dominance and topping/bottoming is not the same thing.

    But I still see discussions about whether giving oral is a submissive act, whether allowing a man to penetrate gives up a woman's power, and whether tying someone up is a dominant act.

    Geez. I don't get it.

    How can doing something that you enjoy be specifically dominant or submissive, if it doesn't include a dominant or submissive mindset?

    Hell, as far as I'm concerned, it doesn't even necessarily matter what the other person in the encounter thinks, either. LOL!

    Last night, thanks to two amazing men, I was turned into a sloppy puddle of girl goo, through:

    • Oral
    • Choking
    • Hair Pulling
    • Forced Orgasms
    • Restraint
    • Fucking
    • Dirty Talk

    All of these were done to me. Some, I managed to get in on them. Yeah, I was definitely over-matched. It was two against one.

    Yes, I am the dominant one. However, I had told them earlier in the evening that I would take everything they offered, up to actually stopping the event. And when i say that, I mean it. It's off-leash, no-holds barred, no quarter, no regrets, whatever-happens-happens fun.

    And they certainly provided.

    And although they wore me out, and put me to bed as a mere shadow of myself, today I am not changed at all from who I was yesterday before it happened.

    Heck, even yesterday, as they joked with me about what they were going to do, a simple look got me the feedback I needed (Yes, Ma'am, Yes My Queen) to tell me that they, also, were enjoying their time, and knew what we were about.

    Today, I am battered. I am lazy. I am a bit dizzy. My scalp hurts a bit (hair pulling), my neck is sore. I have weird bruises from bites and hands and fingertips. I am barely recovered.

    And I am in charge.

    I am powerful.

    I've always wondered about the phrase, "Have your cake and eat it, too." After all, what the fuck else are you gonna do with cake besides eat it?

    But, if that phrase means anything, it means exactly this to me:

    I can enjoy whatever I want to enjoy, and still be exactly me. nothing more, nothing less. And me is in charge.

    I love my life. So much. And I love to share.

    Would you like a piece of cake?

    Discussing Jealousy (Thoughts on Communication, Part V)

    It's interesting to me. When things happen in my life, suddenly they are happening in other people's lives and discussions come up almost randomly.

    Over this past week, I've run into some jealousy issue within my life. Apparently, so have some of my friends, who have reached out to talk about what they are going through.

    There is one thing that seems to make a huge difference in having a successful relationship discussion about jealousy.

    Take ownership.

    Simple, huh?

    But it's not. For some reason, it is not natural for many of us to make ourselves vulnerable with "I" statements, so we make our feelings other people's fault.

    Here's an example:

    I feel jealous about a pretty girl. She does something that I may not love, but would not normally think much about.
    Instead of saying to my lover, "I am feeling a bit insecure right now, because she is so pretty to me..."
    I say, "I don't like her. Did you see the way she did...?"

    Which, not only does not address the issue that is at the core of my bad feelings, but also calls my lover's ability to choose partners into question, and may make them feel bad for no reason, except to cover my personal insecurities and hide my vulnerability.

    And being on the receiving end of the deflection, it makes me mad to be put on the spot defending my actions. Other examples of this:

    • You ignored me.
    • You were mean to me.

    See how those start with "You"? They are designed to immediately put someone on the defensive, so that you can hide your own hurt and pain.

    Instead trying statements like this:

    • I am feeling a bit insecure right now.
    • I would love a little bit more of your attention, please.
    • May we spend some time together and discuss...?
    • I'm feeling lonely right now, because... (don't add a "you-directed" statement here! Like saying, "I'm lonely because you have been ignoring me.")

    These statements take the responsibility back onto your own shoulders and put YOU in charge of your own feelings and how to address them, and when.

    And as a bonus, by taking responsibility for your feelings, you are making the choice to respect yourself and your partner with trust and truth.

    Privilege vs. Blame

    So, I've been thinking about privilege a lot lately. I wrote a piece about my Pussy Privilege

    , even.

    Last night, while out to dinner with a friend, I mentioned a comment from this piece

    about how the chart I was used was very sexually binary. And they are right. And that made me think.

    I am lucky.

    I am comfortable as the gender that matches the sex I was born with. I like men and women, but primarily as men and women, and not as often as in-between. I am bi, so although for the first part of my life, I'd had more female sexual partners, I never felt that I was unsatisfied, or felt excluded from the far more common heteronormative events all around me.

    I know this is privilege. And no, I don't feel bad for being who I am. I don't feel bad for having privilege. I do feel bad that others don't have the same mostly comfortable experiences with themselves and their lovers that I have been blessed with.

    But event hat I can't control, so I don't feel too bad. Mostly bad that sometimes I don't even notice it or think about it.

    So, I write. And when I wrote that earlier piece about Pussy Privilege

    , more than one person accused me of trying to create divisiveness or cast blame, sharing bigotry, etc.

    And that's what this writing is about.

    People are different. They have different experiences one to another. There is nothing WRONG with this. It is what it is.

    The problem comes when we use those differences to judge worth by some arbitrary judgement.

    • I am 5'6", she is 5'10". She is better because she is tall by some arbitrary judgement.
    • I am curvy, she is slender. She is better because she is thinner by some arbitrary judgement.
    • I am moderately attractive, she is beautiful. She is better, because she is beautiful by some arbitrary judgement.
    • I have an IQ of 147, she has an IQ of 108. I am better because I am smarter by some arbitrary judgement.

    All of these statements are wrong and judgmental for no reason. Differences are not the problem with privilege. It's the assumptions of good or not-good that go along with those differences in many people's eyes that cause the issues.

    And talking about privilege, and pointing out the inherent judgements we make is not divisive. It is looking at simple facts. It is bringing different experiences to light to be examined and understood by a wider audience.

    No more, no less.

    As the Desiderta


    If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

    I wanted to open the dialog of privilege, and have, in my own life. I invite all of you to join me, if you wish.

    What are your privileges? How do they affect your life? When have you noticed them most, or been most surprised by them?

    Flexibility in D/s Relationships

    I've been thinking a lot about how people come together in D/s relationships lately.

    A few days ago, I posted this: I'm E2

    Because I thought it was interesting. It's not as pansexual as it could be, I guess. In fact,t here are probably hundreds of flaws, but I still think it's a kind of cool chart thingy, and useful for binary people like myself.

    So, as I was noodling the various relationship types we find ourselves in and orientations we identify as, I thought of that chart, and decided to create my own, similar.

    The idea here is that there is a wide variety of combinations of orientation and relationship styles that could come together in this lifestyle, and I wanted to sort out what I thought of myself as much as I was curious how others think and identify.


    How you identify as dominant, submissive or switch. I came up with seven "levels" of D/s power exchange, plus one null level (0), for those who do not identify as either submissive or dominant in their relationships.

    To be clear, as I've stated before, I separate dominance and submission from topping and bottoming, because of the mental state. I am a dominant, and generally take over my relationships, so in my chart, I'm identifying as 1.

    Relationship Type

    So, here is where I've been really having some trouble.

    Maybe trouble isn't the word. I like to be able to explain things, and I'd been working as this Gordian knot for a while without managing to pick a thread loose.

    Why do so many men ask me what our relationship would look like, if we hit it off? How the fuck should I know?

    How do so many submissive males get labeled as "do-me subs," and female submissives get told they are "not submissive," because they have preferences about their dynamic?

    Why are so many dominants labeled as "extreme" for their own preferences?

    Is it always warranted? The more I thought about it, the more I think it is not.

    Sure, some people are assholes. There will always be assholes in the world. No getting around that.

    But I have my preferences, and I've been told I'm too picky

    because of them.

    Sometimes, it's sour grapes. Other times, I think it's as simple as people not matching with me, and not understanding that others do it differently, and that's ok.

    So, in the relationship types, I'm focused on power exchange styles in relationship. Not necessarily D/s, but the actual exchange of power in shaping and molding how the relationship looks, versus the core or foundation.

    For example, I self-identify as a D, or Rigid-Lite (LOL, yeah, I know the terms are kinda stupid. This is version 1.0 of this idea, give me a break.). I have a very specific set of desires for my relationships, such as my personal dominance, communication standards and frequency, how honorifics are used, sexy sexy play time fun things and so on.

    However, I am incredibly flexible outside those things. Will I consider puppy play or humiliation? Sure. Do I have to have them? No? If I do them, do I need to do them a particular way to get my jollies? Nope.

    That's all on what my partner and I build.

    So, the chart...

    So, I made this chart to plot out where I fall, and to ask you where you fall. I'm also very interested in any additional feedback you might have on making this more clear or inclusive.

    I'm E2

    So, yesterday I found this in my rambles about the interwebs:

    What's Your True Sexual Orientation? The Purple-Red Scale Is Here to Help You Find Out

    And frankly, I think it's an interesting way to categorize how we see ourselves on both the sexual desire and sexual attraction scales.

    As an E2, I can be described as:

    E (Primary Sexuality): Sexual desire is established from the get-go, even if it is not acted upon. However, other components (such as companionship) are essential to these individuals.

    2: Prefers the opposite sex, but is also attracted to the same sex.

    I find myself meshing best with other Es, and 2s, 3s, and even 4s on a romantic scale. I like the flexibility of sexual attraction, tied with a sexual appetite grounded by the other parts of a relationship.

    How do you rank? How do you feel about it, and how does it affect your interactions and relationships?

    Safety In The Lifestyle

    I've written some about references, and I believe in them for certain types of play, heck, even for some sorts of relationships.

    I and others write a lot about consent as well. I believe in it, and moreover, find it sexy as fuck.

    We often talk about learning how to do the many things that make up this lifestyle: rope, needles, sexual safety, electric play... I believe that the more you know, the better and safer.

    But NONE of these things are guaranteed to keep you safe.

    None of them. Unfortunately.

    I mean, we've been taught that if we follow the rules and learn as much as we can, we'll be rewarded, right?

    But it's not that easy.

    You need more.

    The ONE thing that you can do to keep safe in this lifestyle...

    Is to be emotionally healthy, so that you make good choices.

    Humiliation Et Moi

    Let me just state for the record that I am not a humiliatrix. In fact, for a long time, I considered humiliation a hard limit. I'm the sort that likes to build people up, not tear them down.

    I can't even watch Absolutely Fabulous

    or Seinfeld

    , FFS! I can't stand the meanness. Not even to watch.

    So, when Pet mentioned way back when that he loved humiliation, especially small penis humiliation, I was sooooo not going there. No way. Nuh uh.

    NO guy I had ever known (outside of online wankers) had EVER wanted anything other than complete and total adoration of their cock, no matter the size. And I'd never actually had a lover with less than seven inches until I met Pet!

    Yeah. Weird.

    But, apparently my mind is a 'Tardis full of evil', as one friend says, so it is ever-expanding, limitless, and open to new things.

    So, I asked Pet about his desire for humiliation

    . I also researched humiliation, discussed it with others, watched some amazing scenes, and wrote Humiliation: Fact of Fiction


    I got a lot of feedback on the recent post about small penis humiliation

    . Some online, but a lot in person and by private message. More than I usually get for a post.

    Apparently, it touched a nerve for some.

    Many men DO NOT want their penis laughed at. Who knew?

    Some cannot even fathom that a man would.

    I couldn't, myself. I mean, I've seen it online. Videos, tumblr memes, etc. But we all know that's not reality.

    So, when I was faced with a guy who liked it, I was shocked. At first, I wondered why. I tried to figure it out and fix it.

    Then, I realized, it really doesn't need fixing. He's amazing the way he is.

    And SPH is FUN!

    Because I know that I'm doing something he really likes. And you know what?

    I like it, too. Because when I do that, he gets excited, and that thrills me and give me all sorts of toppy, domly shivers.

    But if I had to be all serious and mean about it, and never, ever let up, it simply wouldn't work for me.

    Instead, I'm giggly and girly and I tease and have fun with it.

    It works for him.

    And it makes our relationship even stronger, that I'm willing to do things for him that I would have never done without our bond, and most importantly our communication.

    So, don't judge, all of you who wrote to me saying that I was doing him harm. I'm not. He's never been happier or felt more accepted as a man than he is with me. This makes him stronger.

    And those of you who are all worried that I'm going to turn my critical eye to your boy-parts, don't fret.

    I probably don't care enough about your john Thomas to even consider it. Ad even if I do, humiliation is a CONSENSUAL kink. It's something that (to me) requires negotiation and a lot of discussion.

    Humiliation is still a hard limit to me, without a specific request, discussion, and enthusiastic consent.

    A Challenge

    For more details about how this writing came to be, check it out on FetLife: I'm Cheating On A Challenge

    I was woke up when I was 34. I had just ended an abusive marriage with a man who not only had Bipolar Disorder, and self-medicated with alcohol.

    I realized that I had three friends.

    Literally three friends. Quite a few people knew me. Many even called me friend, but I had three people I gave a modicum of shit about outside of family. We did not see each other often, or check in, or whatever. I was not the kind of person to nurture or positively reinforce that, so it didn't happen. But they stuck with me through the years.

    (To clarify, John met my mother when she was pregnant with me, and has been a friend my whole life. Drew and I met when I was 8. Richard and I met when I was 14. These are all still my friends.)

    I decided that I wanted to see what life was like to have friends.

    Which meant... and here's the kicker...

    I had to learn to give a shit about people the way I wanted them to give a shit about me.


    Before I was sure they wouldn't hurt me. Before I knew whether they liked me or not. FIRST.

    Which meant LOOKING for reasons to care about people. Looking for ways to connect with them, however small. Finding my own little sparkly bits in each person I meet, to love and cherish, regardless of whether they return the sentiment.

    You know what's ironic?

    My mother looked for that little shine of gold in every person she ever met.

    And until I chose that life for me, I thought it was a waste of time. Someone is an asshole, they are an asshole. Why find the good in them? Why bother? They're an asshole.


    It wasn't just easy. It was automatic.

    • Not entertaining me? Dismissed.
    • Not agreeing with me? Dismissed.
    • Not attractive to me? Dismissed.
    • Not keeping up with me? Dismissed.

    And so on.

    And at the same time, I was shy. Awkward. Concerned about what people thought of me, while not actually thinking of THEM at all.

    Not thinking that they were feeling the exact same shyness. Awkwardness. Feelings of... i dunno... not inadequacy, but a certain not-fitting-in-ness.

    I still don't feel like other people.

    I've been told often enough that I don't think like other people, that I don't act like other people, that I believe it.

    But now, I embrace it.

    Because now, 8 years later, people tell me that not just because of my logic, but because of my openness, and because how I make people feel safe and cared for even when they have just met me.

    And I'm glad that I'm not like other people, now.

    Yes, I still struggle with it.

    I say I'm still learning to "human."

    I read a lot. I watch people a lot. I experiment a lot. And I'm getting better.

    And I make a lot of mistakes. And they hurt me when I make them, because I don't intend to hurt others when I do.

    Hell, at 38, I found out what it was like to actually lose a friend. Because I had never had a close-enough friend before to decide we were no longer going to be friends, instead of just drifting away.

    It was weird.

    Still is. But you know what? I realized that anyone who wants to be a friend to me can be. And anyone who wants to not be friends with me has a right. And that does not change how I feel about them.

    Anyway, I guess this is my deep dark secret:

    I spent most of my life awkwardly focused on myself and the experiences I can have, rather than on people, because frankly, I didn't like people very much.

    I'm glad I've changed.

    Are You YOU Online?

    Had a fascinating conversation online with a philosopher acquaintance about the psychology of online interaction.

    I showed him some of my amazing, fabulous, lovey-dovey messagess from men online.

    He said:

    It's a unique window into human psychology. Distorting one though.

    Do you agree? Do you believe that our interactions online are distorted by some sort of filter that the internet creates? A lens made of keyboards and monitors, cables and electronic surges?

    My view:


    Maybe not.

    Maybe the real world and people behaving as they "think they should." is the distortion.

    I think it may be like a peek into what these guys will be like after five years, when they aren't on their best behavior anymore, and they are willing to show you the ugliness they don't show anyone else.

    The REAL them. The one deep inside that only comes out when people are super-comfortable or super-angry or drunk, or whatever that removes their filters.

    The person under the veneer.

    Now, me... I think most everyone who knows me in real life would say I'm pretty much the same online as I am in real life.

    Everything I say, I'll say directly to people. I try to be both direct and considerate in all parts of my life. But that's a conscious choice.

    A choice that's hard to make, for those who don't think or introspect.

    So, how about you?

    Are you YOU online, or are you a different person? Do you enjoy playing a role online? Do you use it to escape? Or is it a direct representation of who you are as a person?

    And how do you see others? Do you know many people whoa re different online and off? Or exactly the same?

    Fruit And Small Penis Humiliation

    Let me just state for the record, I love my life.

    A lot.

    Very, very much.

    First Part, In Which The Forbidden Fruit Is Offered

    So, yesterday this bull I've been talking to is bantering with me. He is funny, gorgeous, and wicked-smart. I hear he's also good with his hands.

    Anyway, he sends me a photo of himself all dressed for work. He's hot. But something is missing.

    ME: Where's that pretty cock of yours?

    HOT, HUNG BULL: Lol. Safely tucked away ;-)

    ME: Boo!

    HOT, HUNG BULL: Don't cry!

    ME: Maybe you’ll see fit to get him out for me at some point, and send me a pic? batts lashes

    HOT, HUNG BULL: Better question is where would you like my pretty cock to be?

    ME: Well, right now, the obvious answers aren’t available… So, in your hand or someplace creative would do…

    HOT, HUNG BULL: Hmmm I'll work on the someplace creative ;-)

    A bit later...

    Photo of gorgeous cock draped over very LARGE Red Delicious Apple

    HOT, HUNG BULL: An apple a day...

    Photo of gorgeous cock draped over very LARGE Red Delicious Apple, Second Angle

    HOT, HUNG BULL: Identify the Forbidden Fruit

    Photo of gorgeous cock with very LARGE Red Delicious Apple balanced on top

    HOT, HUNG BULL: Do you like apples? How about them apples?

    I laughed and said he was enjoying himself way too much. Then, I had a thought...

    Part The Second, In Which I Have Some Fun With Pet

    Every day, Pet has certain exercises he does for me, to keep his cock hard and strong and responsive, to give him better orgasms, to maintain his health... and just because I like giving him orders.

    I shared the lovely apple pics (because I don't keep things from him).

    When his last exercises of the day came up, I sent:

    ME: While you exercise your cock for me, I’d like you to think about recreating those apple photos for me, and how inadequate your cock would be for the job. Perhaps you could do it for me with a plum. Or a strawberry. laughs

    He responds a few moments later with a picture of a plum in his hand, and thanks me for the comparison.

    He makes me laugh.

    Episode Three: The Bonus

    I'm out to dinner, and I tell the story to a few kinky friends. A bit later, Pet says hello virtually to all of them through text.

    PET: Say hello

    ME: Pockets says hello, Late says apricot, and MC has nothing witty.

    PET: Well then. At least no one said plum :P

    ME: LOL! Oh. I told them. Late says apricots are smaller. grins

    I get to laugh. My friends get to laugh. Pet is happy and humiliated.


    Grand Finale

    And now, I get to post the story for your amusement. Which means an even greater audience, more humiliation, and more laughter for all.


    I'm Dominant. I'm Human.

    So, I was reading a rant on a forum about a dominant who did something wrong, and hurt his sub.

    This devolved not only into other forum denizens practically calling for his head, but also links to other threads where dominants made mistakes.

    Oh! The Horror! Dominants Make Mistakes!

    I'll confess something. I make mistakes.

    A lot of them.

    My Pet could tell you.

    (I doubt he would though.)

    I make a lot of mistakes. One mistake I make over and over is misunderstanding when I'm supposed to be empathetic. It doesn't come naturally to me, you see, and I don't always pick up on the cues.

    And I hurt him.

    Because I not only don't know how he's feeling, but that I can't imagine that he's feeling bad.

    Until he tells me.

    You know what, though?

    I'm Allowed To Make Mistakes. Because...

    I learn from them (most of the time), I admit them (better late than never), I make them better (yes, dominants grovel once in a while), and I share them with you (penance is not just for Catholics).

    Actually, I think Pet would let me make mistakes without that last bit. That's all me.

    I'm very lucky though. I have an incredibly strong submissive. In fact, if you think about it, anyone who will submit to someone they know is as flawed as I am has a great tolerance for hurt and uncertainty.

    Let me say that again:

    Anyone Who Submits To Someone As Flawed As I Am Has A Great Tolerance For Hurt And Uncertainty.

    More than I have. For sure. I'm a dominant partially because I'm such a control freak. Because I don't have the tolerance that would require me to trust someone over and over who makes so many HUMAN mistakes.

    But he does.

    Because he needs my leadership in his life, and because he's strong enough to handle the uncertainty it brings him.

    Not that I'm not consistent. I am. Even in my errors. I make the same kinds of errors regularly, because I'm working through all the possibilities.

    LOL! I'm nothing if not thorough.

    But anyway... it struck me as something I wanted to point out, especially after I saw another thread about submissive = weak (referring mostly to male submissives).

    What do you think?

    Someone said to me that I have a pretty smile.

    I said, "LOL! TY!"

    He then asked why I laughed.

    Here's my reply:

    I don’t see myself as beautiful.

    I know that others see me that way.
    And it startles me sometimes.
    Although, I’m mostly used to it.

    Now, usually when I say that people try to convince me. And I appreciate that. There are a few times when I have glimpsed what I think other people see when they call me beautiful, and I'm in awe that they have helped me see that person through their eyes.

    But don't get me wrong.

    Just because I don't see myself as beautiful does not me I see myself in a negative light.

    I don't.

    I figure I'm average looking, perhaps a bit better. And I'm OK with that. I like the way I look, and I like how my personality has grown without focusing on beauty or lack thereof as an asset to fret about.

    Honestly, I think I'd probably be a horrible person if I were as gorgeous as some of the women I know. I would wrap men around my finger, and take advantage... Or I would have, when I was young. I always wanted that ability.


    And I know beauty is in the eye of the beholder. For some, I'm a 4 or 5, perhaps. For others a 9 or 10. That's cool. I do love that the people who love me find me beautiful. That's powerful for me. And meaningful.

    So, now you know.

    I sometimes laugh when people compliment me because I don’t see myself the way others do, and I remember that randomly.

    PSA: CumBum

    So, I love anal. So much, I wrote a book about it, In Through The Out Door: All about anal play and intercourse for men and women including pegging.

    Because, hey! I love the many possibilities of anal sex, and I love sharing ti with the world.

    So, I had a few people review the book, and one of my friends (Jazalyn) had this to say:

    Your book is funny...and easy to's like asking someone you trust awkward stuff and you're making it comfortable and not embarrassing.

    Which is, pretty much, exactly what I'm going for.

    So, today, out of the blue, she writes to me again.

    Daddy...he loves the...mmm..serious Dom aspects of anal...particularly because I don't have a lot of experience and I blush and get all flustered if he even mentions it.
    But, after me talking so much to you...and me asking him to take things a little more slowly, and lots of lube...I'm really starting to enjoy it.

    Which made me very happy. I LOVE LOVE LOVE to hear when people are exploring their sexuality and finding new ways to experience pleasure.

    After all, the anus has a LOT of nerve endings (in both men and women), and can offer some really fantastic experiences, if it's treated right. So, to know that I've helped someone enjoy it... well, that's the cat's meow.

    But then, she tells me that she's discovered a horrible side effect of anal sex that I need to warn people about. And she HAS to explain exactly what she's experienced.

    I'll let her tell it in her own words:

    So, yesterday, before we checked out of the hotel, we had a particularly intense play session that ended in some extreme anal know...the kind where he comes and you swear it shot all the way up into your spleen or something?

    I reply, "Uh huh," because, of course, I do know that feeling. It's crazy awesome. She continues.

    Well...he pulls out and there's the horribly embarrassing farting sounds resulting from WAY too much air being forced in...and I hid...and he chuckled and it's just funny.

    Well, this happens. In the butt, in the vag... hell, in the mouth, given a good, hard throat fucking... but I digress.

    So I go get cleaned up...and we check out...and I spent the rest of the day...kinda gassy (I know...tmi...but it's why the story is hysterical)...BUT...we can NOT fart would be a... (ready??)

    A pause for dramatic effect.







    Oh lordy!

    She has a point, though. And I do discuss it in my book. And it's NOT just cum. It's any liquid-y thing you put up your bum.

    Lube, for example, can dribble out of you after. Cum can. Melted ice cubes can...

    Bottom line: Your ass is not meant to hold things in. Things can get messy after, without a good expelling/cleaning. It is what it is.

    And it's worth it.

    You've been warned.

    I want right now. I need.

    Flesh. A body to react. Touching, teasing, scraping my nails along each muscle, each rib.

    I want a taste. Sweet, salty.

    I need passion. Desire. Surrender.

    Words of affection and love and need whispered in my ear. "Please..." and "Fuck..."

    I want right now. I need.

    I Assume You Like Me, Until You Tell Me Otherwise

    And I realize I may be VERY VERY wrong. But you know what? That's OK.

    This is a personal writing. My ex-husband was emotionally abusive in the way that mentally ill addicts can be, without remorse, without regret. I didn't realize it until I was out of the relationship because I was incredibly naive, but looking back, it is incredibly clear. I wrote about it a bit 6-7 years ago.

    I was (and still am in many ways) introverted and awkward for as long as I knew him, and he used that as a weapon against me.

    Once, he told me that a certain group of people didn't like me, that they complained to him about me bragging too much (I had just bought my first new car that day, and was offering rides, because I was so proud), and that I was insensitive.

    Perhaps I was insensitive. Perhaps, in some ways, I still am. I'm working on my flaws.

    However, my response then was:

    If people continue talking with me and smiling at me, and interacting with me out of choice, then I will assume they want to be there, with me. I will not chase people down. I usually let them come to me. If they come to me, and dislike what they are experiencing, they are welcome to leave, or they deserve being profoundly annoyed.

    And I still feel that way. I assume that if you put yourself into my life, it's because you want to be there, and because you like me. And so, I treat you that way, when you interact with me. And I hope you feel that from me.

    Because if I interact with you in any meaningful way, it's because I do like you. One of my biggest flaws is that I'm not good at dissembling. Most people find it very easy to tell when I don't like them, because I'm not good at hiding it, and I avoid them.

    Luckily, I like most people, so that's not an issue. smiles

    It makes me a happier person overall to assume that people like me, and to let those who do not simply remove themselves from my life. So, I'll assume that you like me, until you tell me otherwise, friend.

    On The Notion Of "Convincing" Another...

    So, about two weeks ago, I wrote a piece about physical power, and the challenges I receive from men on "making" them obey. It was short and tot he point, stating that I have no desire to make anyone do anything, rather I choose to inspire submission.

    The comments took off on the "inspire" idea, and we had a discussion about dominance and inspiration to submit, and the word convince was used.

    Now, it's easy to follow my link and see who used it and think I'm calling him out. I'm not.

    I'm giving you a framework for understanding my thought process. The quote was this:

    You need to convince the other person that you are of higher status socially then they are and can establish yourself as an authority figure.

    In response to "inspiring submission."

    I responded:

    In my world, there is no persuasion. In fact, the opposite. I spend time telling people what a dork I am. And that they should not follow me, that they should not want me.

    Because I don't like the word "convince" in this manner... as if I am selling someone on my dominance, and who I am as a person.

    I'm not. I'm just me. No "convincing" needed. You like me or you don't. You love me or you don't. You submit or you don't.

    Today, I wanted to get a bit deeper into this, and I looked up some quotes with the word "convince" in them. I found that I am more flexible on the word than I was in my replies two weeks ago, as a result of these thoughts from other people's heads.

    Here's what I found:

    "However, people need to understand that it ain't that deep to try and convince people of what your persona is. You are who you are, and what you are will show in time. What you aren't can be hidden, but eventually it will come to light. Long story short: rappers should never take themselves too seriously." - Wale

    This speaks exactly to the point I was trying to make in my responses tot he comment.

    It's about time. And getting to know a person, and showing consistency, and BOTH parties seeing how they fit together. That the dominant's style is right for the sub (on top of being a good person, and all that vanilla stuff), and that the sub's style is right for the dominant (same vanilla applies).

    "The best way to inspire people to superior performance is to convince them by everything you do and by your everyday attitude that you are wholeheartedly supporting them." - Harold S. Geneen

    I think this applies to submission, and could easily be rewritten as:

    "The best way to inspire people to heartfelt submission is to convince them by everything you do and by your everyday attitude that you are wholeheartedly supporting them."

    So, in this case, I would still be convincing someone, but it is not so much an active endeavor to which I apply myself, but something that happens naturally as a result of living my life in an authentic way.

    This is the kind of convincing I can get behind.

    "I believe so much in the power of performance I don't want to convince people. I want them to experience it and come away convinced on their own." - Marina Abramovic

    This. Written as:

    "I believe so much in the power of dominance I don't want to convince people. I want them to experience it and come away convinced on their own."

    Which, I guess, sounds kind of egotistical, but for those it works for, it really works...


    So, an ad I post on CL says that there are two things I'd like to see in a first message to me:

    • Face Picture (to start, after all, you've seen mine)
    • A Note About What You Resonate Most With In This Ad

    Simple, right? And yet, so many people cant seem to manage this. So, I simply write back and tell them that I'm not interested, since they didn't provide the information I requested... I also wish them good luck.

    A recent hopeful got this message and wrote back, admonishing me for ignoring the fact that he said he preferred to talk to me by phone, so that explains logically why he didn't include the information I asked for.

    He said, "I'm Far From Your Typical, Mundane Male."

    I wrote back again with the following message:

    This is the last time I'll respond.
    You are making a simple logical error, and since you brought up logic, you may appreciate and learn from this.
    You said:
    > I'm simply tired of the usual playing over email, rather than real adult conversation. I'm sorry if you don't understand that fact.
    I do understand that. And I respect your preferences.
    I stated my preferences very clearly in my ad.
    Your preferences are valid. My preferences are valid. Yours are not more valid than mine, nor mine than yours, except in our own personal lives.
    So, when you chose to ignore my preferences in favor of your own when responding to my ad, you made it very clear your view of the world and your lack of respect for how I do things, before you've even met me.
    And that's cool.
    I don't think you are a bad person. It is just very clear to me from that single message (and the rest following) that we are not a match.
    > I'm far from your typical, mundane male.
    According to your messages so far, you have actually placed yourself firmly in the typical, mundane male category, by thinking that somehow your expectations of me should be more important to me than my own.
    Best of luck to you in everything you do.

    And my self-professed far from typical, mundane male replied with the most typical, mundane response:

    You read nothing I said.
    Please go play with your pathetic online losers.
    Thank you.


    If you have to tell someone you are INSERT DEION HERE, you are probably not.

    • You are probably not dominant if you have to proclaim it.
    • You are probably not smart if you have to proclaim it.
    • You are probably not unique if you have to proclaim it.
    • You are probably not creative if you have to proclaim it.

    And so on.

    So, why not focus more on SHOWING you are not typical and mundane, rather than telling everyone?

    Assume It's Not Worth Getting Upset About (Thoughts on Communication, Part IV)

    Yes, you'll get in arguments. With everyone, eventually. Yes, people will insult you, say the wrong thing, hurt you.

    None of these things are fun. But...

    Are they worth getting upset about?

    Most of the time, it's better to assume it's not. It's just people being people.

    You may not like it. But to assume it's worth letting it upset you makes more of the hurt and pain than it is.

    And getting upset not only magnifies how you feel, it also changes how you react to others.

    You lose your equilibrium.

    You lose the chance to deescalate.

    Because YOU become part of the escalation.

    And it's usually the escalation that threatens our relationships, not the original problems, anyway.

    (I'd like to just pause, so we can all contemplate just how TRUE that is.)

    After all, how many of us have NOT had the experience of having an truly awful fight over nothing... or nothing that we can remember? That's what getting upset does. It steers us off-course from lovetown into blameland and hurtville.

    What if THEY get upset?

    That's on them. Don't let their choices affect what you know is right.

    My ex and I had a rule:

    If one of us was upset (first), the other was not allowed to be.

    This worked 98% of the time. I credit it for our still being good friends, even after the breakup.

    Because when one person was upset, the other person not getting upset would allow us to interact on a semi-logical level, until we got to the heart of the matter, and talked it out.

    But, when you immediately jump to the assumption that this is terrible, that your relationship is hanging by a thread, that everything is awful, all because of this... well, that will come out in your behaviors, and it will very likely make things MUCH MUCH worse.

    The Categories Of Pleasure

    A book I'm reading says:
    One sexologist places pleasure in four different categories: physiopleasure (based in the body), sociopleasure (experienced with other people), psychopleasure (emotional pleasure experienced from initiating something or doing something—anything—for yourself), and ideopleasure (pleasure received from experiencing or creating something based on a theoretical idea such as writing a book, making a movie, creating music, or constructing a building).

    So, pleasure is often considered a primarily physical pleasure. I have long known that pleasure is both mental and physical.

    However, this breaks it down in new ways.

    So, I can think of all my pleasure buttons getting pushed in one encounter, so to speak.

    1. Sex = Physiopleasure

    2. With Pet = Sociopleasure

    3. Creating the scene, sitting on his face, ordering him about = Psychopleasure

    4. Taking something further than I have before, trying out a new scene or humiliation tactic and seeing how it works.

    I'm not sure how useful this is or will be, long term, but in this moment, I can certainly see how useful this is when looking at the many different ways I derive pleasure from sex.

    How about you? What ways do you get pleasure out of sex beyond the physical?

    High Expectations

    I got a complaint from a man the other day that my expectations are too high. This is not unusual. He said I was not looking for a man, but a god.

    Why should I have such high expectations?

    • Why should I be allowed to ask for someone to text me throughout the day with silliness and sweet thoughts?
    • Or for an attractive man?
    • Or for a man who knows that holding doors and bringing me flowers makes me happy?
    • Or for a man that wants to just make me happy?
    • Or for a smart man?
    • Or a loving man?
    • A man who is masculine?
    • And submissive?
    • A man who makes me a priority?
    • Who is kind to waiters and customer service people?
    • Who is driven and has goals?
    • Who is not bigoted?
    • Who enjoys logic and debates?
    • Who is A-MAY-ZING at sex?

    Why should I be allowed to ask for all that when there are so many wonderful submissives who want what I am?

    Who want me, exactly as I am, a dominant woman.

    Except... do they really want me exactly as I am?


    They have their own expectations as well. Their expectations are that I will be all this (gestures to me) AND want them.


    Because they've already looked over my attributes (whatever they think they are, usually a few pictures), made their judgement, and decided that they have a right of first refusal.

    And they don't.

    Sure. You can say I have high expectations.

    After all, I'm not perfect. I shouldn't expect it from others. And I don't.

    In fact, I expect NOTHING of you. Any of you. Unless you and I agree to something specific between us.

    You don't have to be ANY of those things. I love all of my friends exactly as they are.

    If you are going to be mine, though, you have to be all of those things and more—you have to be a good fit FOR ME.

    You see, I've already said before I'm not interested in settling

    . But, I'm also not interested in forcing anything.

    Cancel a date I'd planned?
    That's OK.

    Don't return a text?
    That's OK.

    Forget to compliment a pic I send you?
    That's OK.

    The question about meeting that you ignored?
    That's OK.

    Attempts at getting to know you, your thoughts and feelings, swiftly dodged?
    That's OK.

    But you know what I see when I see those patterns in our interactions? I see what I don't want from life. I see settling.

    So, I don't expect anything from you.

    You be exactly who you are, I just don't have to date you. Or own you. Or spank your bottom.

    Those who constantly surprise and delight me with their best, though? Those are the ones who will get my best in return, friends and lovers.

    Physical Power

    So, I'm a dominant. Female. Who loves strong, aggressive males.

    Which means that although I am pretty physical, I am not usually nearly as strong as the men I am attracted to.

    Physically, that is.

    I once had a guy say to me:

    Not sure if you could handle me physically. I am a 44, 6-6, big/tall...quite intimidating.

    Ok. So?

    I'm not into domination because I want to wrassle a bull—or bull-sized man—into submission.

    I'm exactly the right size (whatever size I am) to use my mind to inspire you to kneel before me, whatever your size.

    Because if you don't WANT to submit to me, why would I want you?

    Answer: I wouldn't.

    The Needs Hierarchy

    So, in PE (Power Exchange) relationships, we all have needs. Knowing what those are and understanding how to get those met is critical.

    I've read a lot about how dominants should put their subs' needs first. I think this is backwards and wrong, and I'll explain why.

    First, here is how I believe dominants need to prioritize needs in their relationship:

    1. Dominant's Needs
    2. Submissive's Needs
    3. Dominant's Wants
    4. Submissive's Wants

    Let's look at this.

    The dominant, in my view, must, first and foremost, take care of his/her/their own needs. Because otherwise, they will not be able to take care of anyone's needs for long.

    However, that said, the submissive's needs are more of a priority than the dominant's wants.

    Let me say that again:

    The submissive's needs are more of a priority than the dominant's wants.

    And of course the dominant's wants are a priority over the submissive's. If they are int he right relationship, that is part of the submissive's needs.

    Now, I don't mean EVERY TIME.

    Of course, the dominant may watch football with her sub, even when she'd rather be gardening. Or he may go antiquing with his sub when he'd rather be drinking beer with the guys.

    That's part of being in a relationship, and loving being with someone almost as much as you love whatever it is you'd rather be doing.

    Now, let's take take a look at how I feel submissives should prioritize needs in a relationship:

    1. Submissive's Needs
    2. Dominant's Needs
    3. Dominant's Wants
    4. Submissive's Wants

    OMG! Did I really just do that? Yup. The submissive and dominant, in my eyes, are BOTH adults, and are responsible for getting their needs met, through effective communication, negotiation, and general health and well being stuff that come from being alive.

    But then, thereafter, the dominant's needs and wants come before the submissive's, generally. Because that's the role.

    Again, I state, this is my view. If you disagree, I'm not going to tell you you're doing it wrong, I'm just not going to agree with you. I'd also love to hear your thoughts/reasons/objections.

    Poly is NOT Settling (Poly Is Not, Part II)

    I received a message from a young man:
    Do you think settling for a partner in a BDSM relationship is just as devastating as an vanilla relationship? Not saying one is better than another. I've been thinking about this for the past week. Not sure if settling for in anything in life is worth it. Maybe it drowns out the pain for the moment. I just see that moment becoming so small, so quickly. I guess that's why there are so many people trapped in relationships. I guess nobody wants to be lonely.

    He found my reply helpful, and it sparked something in him, so I thought that sharing it might help others find that same spark (or another unique to themselves):

    I do think it that settling in BDSM is just as devastating as settling in a vanilla relationship.

    Because settling means that you are not getting your needs met, right?

    That said, there are many types of relationships. You need not settle to avoid loneliness.

    For example, I have a Pet. He is wonderful. We see each other a few times a week. I also have good friends-with-benefits and playmates that I see at parties in certain areas (I travel, some).

    Those relationships are meant to be just what they are, not substitutes for each other, but relationships within their own right.

    To those of you who are poly: Does this make sense to you? Do you feel the same?

    And the monogamists: Does this change or effect the way you view poly (not trying to change your mind, just curious about how you view it)?

    The Responsibility Of The Dominant

    The dominant is responsible for one thing in their relationship:

    The entire relationship.


    The dominant is responsible for everything in their relationship. How they behave, the results they get, how their sub behaves...

    Whoa! Wait just one darned minute here.

    Am I off my rocker?

    I don't think so. Let me explain.

    To me, it's simple. The dominant is responsible for everything that happens within their relationship because the dominant chooses to accept that responsibility when he/she chooses to take on a sub.

    No, a dominant cannot control a sub's actions. Of course not. And a dominant is not to blame when the sub is an asshole to others. But the dominant is responsible.

    Because the dominant accepted that responsibility.

    That is why I do not ever suggest taking on a sub lightly.

    The Problem With "Women Don't Want Sex As Much As Men"

    Someone said in a conversation I'm in:
    Those sort of atitudes, still alive in the 21st century, create a wall of misunderstanding and distrust that every man has to negotiate... <snipped>

    And every woman.

    Ever been in an argument, and had your partner tell you "I didn't do X because you would do Y, and I didn't want that," and you were standing there wondering who the hell they think you are, because that was NOT your reaction?

    This is what it means to be a woman being told that we want sex less than men, and therefore, we are treated a particular way.

    Just yesterday, I was told that I don't want sex, because I turned a man down because he was not attractive to me. I was told I do not want sex, because I would not accept it from a man who sent me a cock shot. I do not want sex because I would not consider a man whose main line was "hi bae".

    In these, I was called a dry, shriveled old cunt, a faker, a phony, a tease getting her rocks off...


    When you treat a woman who actually wants sex this way, because of your personal beliefs (who WOULDN'T want all that—gesturing at you), you are creating a reality for yourself, then passing that onto others like a virus, and making it that much more difficult for women to GET sex when they want it.

    And more difficult for men as well, because hey, we put it out there, and we get crap like that. Better to go back to our sexy romance books and erotica. At least with those and BOB we are never left orgasmless with a bruised ego or heart...

    And, believing that women don't want sex from men...

    Makes men behave in ways that, frankly, turn women off. They barter with things they think we want (usually material goods, dinners, etc.), thinking if they just put enough $$$ into the vending machine of sex, they will eventually get the payoff, forcing us to run straight into the arms of an asshole who KNOWS women want it, and will give us the god dick, until we can't stand him anymore.


    Of course, I'm generalizing. I've seen scenarios like this happen over and over...

    She doesn't like sex, she just likes men who treat her like shit.

    Oh yeah... THAT'S what she's after. Duh.

    The tastes of sweet, salty, bitter and sour are familiar, but there is a fifth taste we can perceive with our tongue. Called umami, its taste has been described as rounded, rich and savory.


    So, yesterday, I had an epiphany. Pet and I had date time, and we were enjoying some rattle-the-walls sex. Now, this is not terribly unusual for us. At all.

    However, just last week, we also had the opportunity to play with my favorite bull, who was in town from Phoenix. He is an amazing fucker. Truly spectacular. I've never experienced anything like it, and even if I never do again, I'll die happy knowing that someone can fuck like that.

    But, I digress...

    Anyway, this bull fucked me good. Really, really good. Screaming, moaning, crying, begging, laughing... for two hours. While Pet watched, then participated.

    And I came.

    A lot.

    A lot lot.


    And it had all the familiar flavors: sexy, sweet, fun and rough.

    It was everything I have come to expect in sex time forty. Or a thousand. not sure which.

    And yet, when Pet and I were playing, I realized there is a fifth sexual flavor. Something that adds to sexy, sweet, fun and rough. A kind of depth. A roundness. A filling-ness.

    Maybe it's love. Or intimacy, or something. But I get it with those I connect to. And the more connection, the stronger it is.

    It's not just physical satiation. But psychic. A feel of release of a breath I didn't know I was holding. A rush of bright sunshine, where the clouds had covered.

    I spoke with Pet about it, and likened it to umami. It is not necessarily "better," there is no judgement. It is just more. Different. Unique and somewhat unexplainable.

    And I love it.

    Poly Is Not, Part I (My Way)

    I'll start this off by saying this is ONLY my opinion, my way, not meant necessarily to be a WON TWOO WAY proclamation.

    Over the weekend, I had a discussion with a good friend about poly. During much of the discussion, that telling little line between the eyes was making its appearance.

    So, I thought I'd write a bit about poly and what it is NOT to me, to get feedback, or just to clarify it in writing, which often helps me clarify my thinking.

    Poly Is Not: Expectations OR Filling A Role

    To me, poly is not about having this role that you are trying to fill with a warm body. It's not about meeting someone and "fitting" them into this puzzle piece hole.

    For example, many people write to me on here, or on other sites (Cs, CL, OKC), and ask, "What are you looking for?"

    My answer is that I am open to what the world brings me and the possibilities. I am not looking for something specific.

    There ARE types of people I tend to be drawn to more than others, but I am not sure that I would not like people outside of those norms, given the right circumstances.

    I love meeting people. I love getting to know them and exploring possibilities. I love it when they bring me closer to others, and when I am able to help people find their own places in kink, even when that means it's not with me.

    Because sometimes what I want and what they want are different, and I don't expect that they have to change to want what I do.

    Am I disappointed? Sure. Sometimes.

    Mostly, though, I'm happy.

    So, for me, poly is really just about being completely open to the possibilities, rather than having a set ideal.

    Which Is the Dom, Which Is The Sub?

    I've heard it said that the dominant in any relationship is the one who cares the least.

    I think this is poppycock. As a dominant, I feel very deeply. I would hesitate to think that my measure as a dominant is in my ability to restrain my feelings.

    I think it's better put as Catherine Robbe Grillet said it


    So, I ask Madame, how can you tell who is really the submissive and who is really the dominant in any given relationship? Appearances are so often deceptive. Her answer cuts to the quick. “The one whose need is the greatest is the submissive.”

    Need. Not the same as care.

    Need: how much you need what another can add to your life. How much you need the direction, the humiliation, the pain, the ownership, the sex, the chastity... whatever.

    That is a better indicator of a mental head space, in my opinion.

    Because I feel incredibly deeply, and it never affects my dominance. When I find I need something, though, I become emotionally attached to a particular feeling, a particular release, that is when i find myself wondering if I'm willing to compromise, when I would not, otherwise.

    Perhaps some mix care with need. And I can understand that. It's easier to feel care fore someone/something you need. And it's easy to feel like you need something that you care deeply about.

    But needing and caring are not the same thing.

    What are your thoughts?

    It's Mah Birthday!

    I'm the answer to life, the universe and everything today. *smiles*

    If you get it, I like you already.

    Anyway, I'm excited. Not writing any significant today. Just preparing for an amazing party with fabulous friends.

    It's Good To Know: Terminology

    I've been working on publishing productivity all day, And while I'm reformatting books from PDFs to Kindle, I re-read some of what I've written.

    Damn. I'm good! LOL!

    Anyway, I ran across something that I think is critically important, and I've seen people confusing the terms over and over.

    Dominant/Submissive and Master/Slave

    The main difference is between T/b and D/s, in my view, so that's what I'll focus on.


    Someone who GIVES actions in scenes (or sex). This may mean spanking, whipping, flogging, pegging, etc.


    Someone who TAKES actions in scenes. This may mean spanking, whipping, flogging, anal etc.


    In the lifestyle, someone who GIVES mental leadership to another. This often includes direction in life choices, self-improvement, task and chores, etc.

    Master is a very contested term, but is a dominant with more. Perhaps you might even say a dictator, or one who gives orders, rather than simply leading. However, many would say it's not all that different from dominant (simply a difference in title), while others would say it differs to a great degree.


    In the lifestyle, someone who TAKES mental leadership from another. This often includes direction in life choices, self-improvement, task and chores, etc.

    Salve is also contested term, but is a submissive with less rights and self-direction. Many would say it's not all that different from dominant (simply a difference in title), while others would say it differs to a great degree.

    So, the part that I see people getting confused is between D/T and S/B.

    For example, I am dominant. Mentally, I take control of my relationships. However, I enjoy both topping and bottoming. I love to be tied up in rope by people I connect with. I enjoy incredibly rough sex with my partners, and I like fire play.

    So, I identify as a primarily dominant switch.

    Then, there are people who are VERY toppy, maybe even sadistic, who have absolutely no interest in leading another's life at all.

    There are bottoms who love kinky sex and beatings, but have zero inclinations to follow another person mentally.

    And then there is the competition.

    For some reason, being a "dominant" in some circles holds more weight than simply being a top.

    WHAT?!? Why?

    A dominant may be someone who is just a natural leader, while a top may be someone who has spent hundreds of hours perfecting their craft.

    Frankly. I'd judge the person on who they are and what their skills and ethics are, rather than the title they self-identify with.

    But hey, I have lots of ideas about how things would be if I ran the world...


    So, what are you? And, no need to keep within these labels. I'm always curious about how people identify and why.

    A Few Quotes I'd Like To Share

    So, I recently picked up a fantasy series that I've read before to read again. Not far into the first book, I realized that a lot of what I believe about how my personal FemDom should be run is taken directly from this series.

    I looked up the original publication date and saw the first book came out when I was 23. Makes sense, and sounds right.

    Anyway, the Black Jewels books by Anne Bishop are about a magic race and are based on a matriarchal society.

    I highly recommend them for any femdom/submale geek (or partial geek) into fantasy with a healthy dose of philosophy and ethics built in.

    Like Terry Goodkind for FLRs. LOL!

    Anyway, aside from the femdom aspects, there are two quotes from a short story set in the same world I wanted to share today, going back to the post I made about fear and action.

    Daemon Sadi (one of the main protagonists) is in love, but is unsure that his love is returned because... things... His internal dialog includes these two gems:

    "If you don't play this game out to the full, and you lose because of it, you'll regret it for the rest of your life. It's not over until she asks you to leave, so give her a reason to want you to stay."
    "...the only way to battle doubt was to feed hope."

    - Anne Bishop, Kaeleer's Heart

    The first one, in particular, speaks to every fiber of my being. It talks about desire winning over fear, and about taking responsibility for your actions within a relationship.

    Every time I read that quote, it just feels RIGHT.

    What are your reactions? Do you have quotes that really resonate with you?


    Ah, the number of messages I get saying, "Hi! I'm going to be in Raleigh for a week on work, I was wondering if I could serve you while I'm there. I can cook, clean, give amazing footrubs..."

    No. You. May. Not.

    I don't want people I don't know touching me, cleaning my home, helping me run errands, etc.


    I know people who do. More power to them. There is NOTHING wrong with being a top who works with a wide variety of people, and gets pleasure from that.

    I am not that person.

    I like my kink with a healthy dose of connection. Physical chemistry. Mental symbiosis. And as a primarily introverted person, I don't feel that quickly with many people.

    And so, I don't insta-kink.

    Because I am a dominant much more than I am a top. The mental is what I love. The emotional squirming more than the physical. The mind melting more than the body.

    The physical is simply one way I manipulate the mental.

    I love to meet new people. I love to have tea and lunch and dinner, and enjoy the many different personalities that are in this amazing lifestyle. I love to find where people fit, and help them meet the people they want to meet. I like accepting people for who they are, and making new friends.

    But I won't kink with you on the first meeting. Maybe not the third. Possibly never. So, if that's what you are looking for, best of luck to you, and move on.

    Because I don't insta-kink.

    Avatar: Knowing Me Versus Knowing Your Experience Of Me

    I wasn't sure how to title this. It's an awkward subject, and an even more awkward and complex concept, so I'm really just going to write and hope I can be clear.

    I've been inspired to write this piece by a conversation I've recently had. Online. With a perfectly nice guy who I won't be making fun of.

    Because he doesn't deserve it. Or, maybe he does, but my experience of him suggests he does not.

    What happened to launch this writing, though, is a pattern I have seen over and over, and while it's incredibly prfill in the blank: nice, patient, kind, generous, knowledgeable, wise)

    My response is, "I'm just me. Sometimes I'm that, sometimes I'm not. In fact, I'm very rarely _____ as I see it. I think I am more _____ most of the time. "

    From here, the conversation can go one of two ways:

    1. Positive: "Oh, really? That's fascinating. let me learn more about this..." question, reply, question, etc.

    2. Negative: "No, you don't see what I see, you are this, whether you know it or not," or "Oh, well, I don't want that," or some other form of resentment, disappointment, frustration, etc.

    The first way of responding, in my view, is incredibly healthy and shows me a mind that wants to understand it's own reality, and the reality of others.

    The second group of responses show me a mind much happier to live in ignorance and fantasy than reality. Actually, I should say "more comfortable," rather than "happier," because I have found that many people project negative assumptions on me as well, and cling to them just as strongly as they cling to the good stuff.

    This is the person who wants to know the me they have created in their head from the assumptions they have made about me from my online presence.

    By seeing a small sliver of my life, they get to see the parts of me I open for public consumption. That is a very large part of me, and yet, not all... and the rest could potentially paint a very different picture.

    Those of you who know me in real life will also see parts of me, but more, because I can't edit reality nearly as well as I can edit online. You'll see my expressions, hear my inflections, see me be wrong (Gasp! Not often, thankfully, LOL!), see me be an utter dork, see me unsure, and on and on.

    You still only have part of the picture, but a larger part.

    And the ones who are deep in my inner barriers get even more. But they will still have those assumptions, at least until they have experienced every experience possible with me. Because that's how our brains work.

    So then, the question is:

    Who do you like more? Me, or the avatar of me you have created from your assumptions?

    Who do you like more? Actual people, human flaws and all, or the actors you have created from your assumptions for the play in your head?

    Women Don't Want Sex As Much As Men

    No, really. It's true. It's been mansplained to me.

    Here are some of things I read this morning in support of the title, and yes, they were serious about them:

    • In general, men are the sluts (they do it for the sex); women are the whores (they do it for personal gain).
    • I wish I could find the ad-hoc study that was done once, where they put a gorgeous blond and a handsome guy propositioning people after work on Fridays, and EVERY SINGLE GUY took the bait, while no women took the bait. (actually, I've seen that video. It was 85% men and 2% women)
    • Men have far more extra-relationship sex than women do.
    • Women, in general, don't have a clue what it's like to be horny every second of every day of your life, and then to have women parading around wearing almost nothing most of the time just making the whole thing worse.
    • You have absolutely no idea what it's like to be horny like a guy is horny. At least not a Mediterranean guy.

    May I ask... what's with Mediterranean guys that makes them so specially horny?

    Nevermind. That's a digression.

    Here are a few points I'd like to make:

    • Do you understand the different between WANTING sex and HAVING sex? Oh wait... I know you do. snickers
    • Yes, (straight) men have more affairs—WITH WOMEN. They are still having that sex with women. Good lord, this is not difficult stuff.
    • Right, because slut shaming, the physical risk of going off with a strange man, the risk of STDs (Oh! It just slipped off, I'm sorry women are approximately 4x more likely to get an STD from an infected man than a man is from an infected woman, bummer, that), the risk of pregnancy and all those things are not reasons.
    • As far as most men go, it's probably best they don't realize how much women want sex. Because most don't seem to have what it takes to understand it, handle it, or satisfy it.


    What Is A Kink? (Thoughts On Communication, Part III)

    I joined a topic of discussion asking if cheating is a kink somewhat late to the game. I read through all of the replies, and was confused that no one had yet checked to see what the actual definition of kink was, to compare it against their ideologies.

    I posted my reply:

    Is the definition of kink inherently consensual?
    I don't think it is.

    And didn't really think much about it. And yet, someone took up the gauntlet, and said:

    Consent is the deciding line between kink and violation.

    Amongst other things. You can read about that there.

    Here, I'm going to put up the definitions I found for the word kink, because, of course, I did look them up, to make sure that I was using what is currently considered the wide-use correct definition.

    And, shockingly, very few online dictionaries have the sexual definition of the word kink at all. Merriam Webster did:


    1. a short tight twist or curl caused by a doubling or winding of something upon itself
    2. a mental or physical peculiarity : eccentricity, quirk
    3. a clever unusual way of doing something
    4. a cramp in some part of the body
    5. an imperfection likely to cause difficulties in the operation of something
    6. unconventional sexual taste or behavior

    The two bolded are the ones closest to how I believe we use the work kink to refer to the quirks that bring us to this site.

    Now, while I support that the dictionary is not the final arbiter of a living (and therefore growing and changing language), it is a good place to begin, and in this case I agree. A kink is an eccentricity, a quirk, and unconventional sexual taste or behavior with or without consent.

    Here is what is not mentioned:

    • judgment of goodness
    • judgment of badness
    • consent
    • a limiter beyond "unconventional"
    • a specific requirement beyond "unconventional"
    • actions, except behavior which is added after an "OR," meaning it is optional

    So, therefore, according to these definitions, a kink may be good or bad (agreed, many I do not particularly find good), consensual or non-consensual, actions or fantasy, etc...

    Walking 8 miles with CountessK yesterday, we discussed this. It was brought up because she was relating a story of her father saying that everyone brings their own definitions and experience to their interpretations, and I used the online conversation as an example.

    To add another wrinkle, why do we have RACK: Risk Aware Consensual Kink if there are kink things that are not consensual?

    In any case, I'm curious about the definitions that my friends use for kink, since, after all, I enjoy communicating with you. What associations do you add to the bare-bones definition (like what I did with jealousy, envy,and possession a few writings back), that makes YOUR definition of kink yours?

    Here are a few thought exercises:

    • Is oral sex kinky?
    • Is anal sex kinky? What if it's pegging?
    • Is dressing as a member of the other gender kinky?
    • Are watersports kinky?
    • Is group sex kinky?

    What's kinky to you, and why?


    Thanks for humoring me, and helping me communicate better with you (and everyone else)!

    Say it! Say it!

    In a discussion on Fet on objectification (specifically of do-me subs asking for objectification right out of the gate with no niceties, no relationship, no real negotiation), spoonster wrote:
    I think it's way easier to say "treat me like a thing" than it is to say "I want to experience X" because to say the latter you gotta come to terms with accepting you want X and having to admit that to your partner.

    I replied:

    Yes, it is. And that is part of the problem, in my view. Because "treat me like a thing" is passing every bit of the responsibility off onto others.

    I am not willing to take charge of a person who cannot (will not?) express their desires, in an adult way, and show me that they can consent, not only because they say the words, but as in the full definition of consent, they UNDERSTAND what they are asking for/consenting to.

    And that means, after, they cannot lie to themselves and say "The big bad dom/me" did this to me!

    To me, this is part of adulting in a relationship.

    In other words, "Say it! Say it!"

    Say what you want, need, fear...

    To carry this idea a bit further, here are things I have no interest in doing, and the things I love to do, separated by what I consider adult consent values:

    Forced Bi

    Oh good lord. I hear this damn near ten times a day. No. Just no. the idea of forcing someone to go against their actual sexual orientation is repulsive to me.

    That said, once we have the boundaries of what is desired—for example, male/male oral, giving—I certainly don't mind being a bit rough and wrestling to force a cock into a boy's mouth.

    The first is about them giving up that responsibility of their sexuality to me. The second is about them taking full responsibility for their desires and me making it more fun and "scene-y" for them.


    Yeah, not my thing. Not going to do this with a stranger.

    Humiliaition, after negotiation, and feeling each other out, discussing boundaries and triggers and possible pitfalls and such, can be hot.

    The first is too close to real life. I would NEVER take a chance of someone actually believing I meant what I said during a degradation scene, because they don't know me well enough to know where the lines are.

    The second is a controlled mind fuck that can be used in so many lovely ways... that I am still exploring (sometimes a bit too slowly for Pet, LOL!).

    I searched for a third example... I'm sure I have one, my brain has decided it's done working on this particular topic, apparently. LOL!

    In short, consent from the bottom, to me, means:

    1. You "Say it! Say it!"
    2. You fully understand what "it" is, and make that clear.
    3. You take responsibility for yourself and calling things off the MOMENT they go too far.

    What are your experiences with these types of attempts to shirk consent/responsibility, if any?

    The BEST Apology/Pick-Up Line Ever!

    I just received this today. Had to share, because, well... you'll see.
    i'm sorry if You're becoming desperate - if You're willing to take the appropriate action, You could own me.

    To add details, this came from a 40 year-old man with no photos of any kind, who identifies as a slave, and lives 320 miles from me.

    He has never (in that account) spoken with me before.

    So, of course, I jumped all over that, took the appropriate action (of sending $10,000 via Western Union), and expect to pick him up at the airport this afternoon.


    Kidding, of course. My response was more along the lines of, "No matter how desperate I might ever become, I'll never be desperate enough to consider that introduction acceptable."

    And the next volley:

    i don't believe You - i think if You were a real slave owner You would take action now to make sure i didn't get away.

    LOL! Calling into question my credentials as a "real slave owner."

    I'm sure to give in, now!

    shaking my head

    What Do You Call A Man...

    A few friends and I went to a get-together of like-minded sexy people. As we mingled, the topics of labels came up.

    How do we identify? How do we share a bit of ourselves with others. Communicate who and what we are?

    Well, for some, it's easy. They fall neatly into boxes: straight, cis, dom, etc.

    For others, not so much.

    Which turned us laughingly to the question in the subject:

    What do you call a man who can give you the best sex of your life, without fucking you?

    The question was asked and followed by silence. No one knew.

    I asked around. Many different people. Women, mostly. It boggled every mind we brought it to.

    What is sex without fucking? How does that work? Expressions thoughtful as the women mulled it over, then going blank, as they realized they had no words.

    I was a bit surprised. Not at the lack of a label, but because it seemed so few women had even considered what the best sex of their lives MINUS FUCKING might even be like.

    Well, for those of you haven't experienced it, I'll tell you: It's amazing, astounding, loving, hot, sexy, and OH MY GAWD fantastic. It's dozens of orgasms one after another. It's knowing that I am being pleased for MY pleasure, not because he feels any desire to get (physically) off. It's sob-worthy and laugh-worthy all in one...

    And the other thing that surprised me was that as the evening wore on, it was a man who came up with the perfect answer.

    What do you call a man who can give you the best sex of your life, without fucking you?


    I also call him MINE. And Pet. And Slut. And Ass Whore. And Beast. And Sexy. And I am grateful for the two years we've had. And I'm looking forward to as much more as we can squeeze out of life.

    Fear And Action

    This is how I feel about relationships. If you don't want me more than you're afraid:

    • being hurt
    • me
    • making a fool of yourself
    • not having your affection returned

    And I, you, then what is the point?

    I don't want you watching my every move, to try to gauge how much I like you before you show me your truest self.

    I will tell you exactly how I feel at any time. Because I do not base my choices on fear.

    A good friend of mine was counseling someone in a relationship, and he used a phrase I will never forget:

    Never act out of fear of losing her. Also, never fail to act out of fear of losing her. ~ David Shade


    I Am Rarely Jealous. I Am Sometimes Envious. I Am Often Possessive.

    Note |less than a minute ago

    I love words. So much. I love their nuances, and they can be so similar, and yet, have enough difference to put an entirely different flavor onto things.

    The past week, I have had a talk several times about three words and their differences:

    • envy
    • jealousy
    • possesiveness

    I thought I would write about this today, in my effort to keep up my daily writing.

    First, I'll start with actual, you know, dictionary definitions.


    1. a feeling of discontented or resentful longing aroused by someone else's possessions, qualities, or luck.


    1. feeling or showing envy of someone or their achievements and advantages.
    2. feeling or showing suspicion of someone's unfaithfulness in a relationship.
    3. fiercely protective or vigilant of one's rights or possessions.


    1. demanding someone's total attention and love.
    2. showing a desire to own things.

    For jealousy and possessiveness, I identify with the third and second definitions respectively.

    In relationships, I specifically feel that jealousy is not just feeling fiercely protective:


    1. capable of or intended to protect someone or something.
    2. having or showing a strong wish to keep someone or something safe from harm.

    but also includes a sort of fear that something will disappear, or not longer be theirs.

    Now, I'm not the only one who adds this caveat into the formal definition. Many people I have read and spoken to believe that jealousy is a fear-based response.

    But possessive... That's a word more often used negatively, as in the first definition. But I mean the second, and even more, I mean something more like this thought pattern:

    I own this. This is mine. I am proud of this. I like to show this off. I like to share this with others, because it is mine. I like others to take joy from this, and know that they enjoy what is mine. I own this. MINE.

    I call this possessive. Because I feel the same way (IN THIS CASE) about my lover as I do about my car, or my dog, or whatever.

    If I own them, it is because I want them. And if someone else enjoys them (drives my car, plays with my dog), it does not lessen their value to me. In fact, it increases my pride that I own something I was able to share and spread joy.

    So, I am very rarely jealous. I am sometimes envious. I am often possessive.

    What words would you use in this case? Am I way off? Spot on? I'm curious about this.

    Teaching N' Stuff

    So, I teach. I LOVE to teach. In fact, even my vanilla life and profession has been mostly about teaching and inspiring others.

    So, doing this in kink is just delightful!

    I figured it was high time to create a single place to host my teaching and class info.


    NookieNotes, known by most as Nookie, grew up in the lifestyle and around people of every color and bent. Her primary fetishes are communication and behavior modification. She's a lifestyle dominant who runs her relationships and enjoys switching in the bedroom.


    Communicate It!

    No matter where you turn for advice in this world of kink and power exchange, "Communicate," is the first thing you'll hear. So, what is communication? How do we get better at it? We'll talk about the pieces of communication and how they add up to make a successful relationship.

    Dating/Finding the Right Partner

    In this class, we'll discuss some of the most important actions and attitudes for finding one or several lifestyle partners, from writing your profile and choosing the best photos to get your point across to making contact, common pitfalls, and some hilarious examples of 'when personals go wrong!'

    The Alpha Submissive—How to Yield Your Strength

    You know you are submissive. And yet, you are a strong, take-charge kind of guy or girl, which makes some dominants complain of topping-from-the bottom, or claim that you're not submissive at all. How do you find your submission and yield, when the time is truly right?

    BDSM Q&A

    Have questions? Nookie's Q&A is the place to be! It's all about asking whatever questions you have about kink, BDSM, D/s, and all of the things that go into WIITWD (What It Is That We Do). Common topics include: communication, negotiation, terminology, best learning options and more.

    Protocol 101

    What is protocol and why do you need it? Not all protocol is bowing and kneeling and "yes, Sir," and so on. Protocol can be every day traditions and rituals built over time. In this class, we'll explore the many types of protocol, and how to choose the protocols you want most in your life and your relationships.

    Sexy, Safe & Pain-Free Anal, Including Pegging

    Based on my book In Through The Out Door

    , this class is for those of you curious about anal, but (get it, butt? LOL!) worried about the pain, the mess, the ghey, and more. Come and spend some time with me learning about spear-fishing for poop sharks! smiles

    Blow Jobs

    Why is it call a blow job? Because it's work! LOL! Learn the best and most pleasurable techniques for combining work and play in this class all about going down on his throbbing staff of manhood (or on her cock-of choice). We'll discuss the dominance and submission of BJs, the physical parts of the male "charms," how to give an how to receive graciously, and WHY it's really called a blow job!

    The Big O: Orgasms for Men and Women

    Learn how orgasms work, how to give them, how to get them, and how to increase their intensity and frequency! What makes orgasms so fucking fabulous? We'll talk about that, then we'll discuss how to get the most of your body and your orgasms, including the many different kinds of orgasms you can have, and how to train yourself for multiple orgasms whether you are male or female. This class will blow your mind! Or, at least your wad. smiles

    FemDom: Finding Your Feminine Leadership Style

    There is a lot online and in print about domination, mostly male-oriented, because, let's face it, there are more of them than us. There is still a lot about femdom out there, too, though. Unfortunately, it seems like a lot of that is actually written by men, too, being over-sexualized and fantastical. This class is about the real deal. How to find YOUR perfect balance of hot, sexy, tough, firm, loving, sweet, and whatever else you want to throw in the pot. Based on my series of Women in Charge books (available directly, posting on Amazon Soon).

    Male Submission: Taming your Masculine Pride

    There is a lot online and in print about submission, mostly female-oriented, because, let's face it, there are more female submissives than male. And what male submissives are writing is more fantasitical and porn-driven than what you'll find in a real relationship. So, can you be yourself in today's society and still submit? Yes! You can. Nookie will give you all the tools you need to find your way.


    For the record, I am willing to travel to teach with the right incentives, and I'm also happy to create classes around needs, if I feel comfortable teaching the subject.

    I'm happy to provide references for my teaching, and if you're reading this, and have seen me teach, I'd love a testimonial.

    I love to travel and meet kinksters from all over. I dream of a day when I've been to all 50 states and overseas, getting to teach in every place I go... Wanna help?


    Anyway, if you're interested in my teaching, please do reach out with a message.

    I Posted An Ad On Craigslist And I Got Called A Self-Centered, Egotistical And Not Half As Smart As You Give Yourself Credit For Narcissistic Empty Recluse.....

    To go with the discussions of both sides of pussy privilege we've been having, here's another from the vault of #thisiswhyyourestillsingle

    Same ad as before. Inviting men who are looking for something different to contact me. Mentions yielding strength, being themselves, allowing me to make the rules...

    Last line asks them to tell me what intrigued them about the ad, and to send a face picture. I have at least two of my own in the ad when I post it (usually about an hour at a time, in random intervals).

    His message to me:

    SUBJECT: i like ur post
    A myriad of thought and self exclamation followed by a touch of realism....okay I buy in so far...
    Me...I'm late 40's ...still attractive, clean and live in the moment...the present.... looking for ONE female to spend some quality time with...I don't send pictures on CL.....never know whose real and who isn't...will share if we text though....

    So far, so good. Didn't send the pic, but I kinda get that. It is a requirement to continue, though. I have no interest in wasting my time or his (or in giving my number so quickly), so I respond:

    Thank you, T.
    Here's the thing: It's about following my instructions. You have seen my face, after all.
    Best of luck fulfilling your fantasies.

    Yeah, well, that triggered a blow-up:

    No it's do I know I've seen your real face? You're no doubt another spammer looking to cheat men out of $$....and who the hell do you think you are? I'll tell you based on your response and ad...a self-centered, egotistical and not half as smart as you give yourself credit for narcissistic empty recluse.....
    Now ya know I got this right and Fuck-Off too!
    Have a nice evening,

    Yes. So, I get 100+ messages in an hour from an ad, and even relatively "nice" guys like this can turn on you in ONE message.

    My response:

    Wow. I'm sorry I touched a nerve.
    I'm a very real person, who takes my own chances and takes responsibility for them. Then I get vicious notes like this from people who are afraid to do the same.
    I really do wish you the best. No one should hurt that much.

    No response. Didn't expect one, although every now and again, I'm surprised.

    I meant what I said, though. NO ONE should hurt so much deep inside that they feel the need to be this rude to a stranger without provocation.

    I feel for the guy.

    And I feel sorry that he's not learned a better way to communicate with people than ragequitting.

    So, there you have it. My privilege. In all it's glory.

    The Other Side Of Pussy Privilege

    So, I wrote yesterday (I'm trying to write everyday for a while) about pussy privilege

    , and how I understand it, and the parts of my personal ethic that I have created as a result.

    Today, I'd like to discuss some of the things I did not say yesterday. The hinsg that go along with that privilege.

    I wrote about privilege first, because thoughts of it affect me more, so please don't think I'm whining. I'm not. This writing is more to balance things out and give another perspective than anything.

    Let's look at a few of the privileges I wrote about, and their flip sides:

    Men want me more than I want them.

    And as a result, I have been stalked several times in my life, even to the point of being creeped-the-fuck-out. "No" does not work. Nor does calling the police, because simply being somewhere at the same time as someone else is not a crime.

    I'm very lucky. None of it ever led to anything beyond following and some trash-talking.

    I can put up a profile on dating sites, and not contact a single person, while receiving 10-100 messages per day.

    This is complex. I mean, all I have to do is answer, right? Seems easy. Well... Here are two things about this:

    1. Sure, I get first right of refusal in writing. But, really, the men are picking exactly who they want to write to.

    Women have all the power. They don't even bother responding to the messages I send, which is rude, so I don't even bother crafting a nice message anymore.

    So, you go through all the profiles you can see, and choose who to write to, based on photos and sometimes reading the profile text. You don't write to every single profile. You choose who to write to.

    How is it different for women who receive 100 messages? They simply choose who to respond to, based on what you have to say and your profile.

    2. And even responding, as I do EVERY TIME, I'm taking a chance I'll get some nastiness back. Don't know what I mean? Well, I wrote about it here

    , here

    , here

    , here

    , and here

    , and that's just small bits...

    Now, I can handle that, and actually enjoy it. The psychology of it all, and so on. Many women don't enjoy it. They don't enjoy it at all. So, they just don't respond, thinking that a non-response is a response, and hoping to avoid the vitriol that men, for whatever reason, seem to feel is appropriate when they are turned dow.

    Same in public. I'm approached by men 30x more often than I approach.

    And I like it. Really. It's flattering, especially as I'm about to turn ahem 42 ahem that many people find me attractive.

    That said, it's only so flattering. After all, few of the men approaching me this way are my type, as very few men overall are my type, so I do have to demur, turn them down, whatever, which can, sometimes, lead to stalking and verbal harassment.

    And this is something that women know every instance of flattery. That it may turn bad.

    I've never been raped, although it's been attempted twice. That's a solid part of being a woman. Either experiencing it or knowing that it could happen. Yes, I know men are raped. For most men, it is not a part of their standard fear set until it happens. It is for women. Part of culture.

    As a female, I am held (by others) to lower standards of consent.

    And the problem with this is that it could make me an asshole, without my even knowing it. I know women who take their privilege in this area way too far. One of the rare times I've bottomed, my consent was broken, and it still bothers me, because that person should have known better. And everyone around thought that I was joking in yelling out safewords, because all the ladies were laughing...

    And I don't want to be that asshole. On purpose, or by mistake.

    Yes, I have pussy privilege.

    I also have all of these things, plus: monthly mood swings, the ability to get accidentally pregnant, a 38% higher chance of catching something from a man than he would have catching exactly the same thing from me, cramps, cultural sexual objectification, and more.

    And I'm OK with that.

    I choose to recognize what I have that adds to my life (privilege) and understand that the rest is just part and parcel of living.

    However, for those of you on the outside looking in, perhaps take a moment to think about what you have that gives you privilege, and try to understand how others experience things.

    About My Privilege—Especially Pussy Privilege

    I am privileged. In many, many ways. I know this. Not all ways.

    Growing up, we were never rich. I never had the cool clothes. I was never part of an "in" crowd. I went to public schools, whatever was around. I didn't go to camp, or take part in educational extra curricular activities...

    Unless you call tromping around the woods catching critters like a wild child 'educational extra curricular activities.'

    I kinda do. LOL!

    Anyway, some of the ways I am privileged include:

    • white
    • not poor (not rich, not even solidly middle class, but not poor)
    • traveled (grandmother with money took me each summer)
    • higher-than-average IQ
    • loving, affectionate family life
    • moderately attractive
    • female

    Wait, what? Female is not the "chosen sex!" Male is the most privileged sex.

    Well, yes. That's true. In most cases.

    In kink and the world of sex, though, there is a lot of privilege that goes with being female, and I haz it.

    Heck, just being raised in a loving, supportive family is HUGE privilege. Add tits, and I'm damn near giddy.


    Here are a few privileges I have just being female, in general:

    - Men want me more than I want them.

    - I can put up a profile on dating sites, and not contact a single person, while receiving 10-100 messages per day.

    - Same in public. I'm approached by men 30x more often than I approach.

    All of these things give me "right of refusal," and I understand the power that has.

    Another biggie, related to my writing about consent

    , is that as a female, I am held (by others) to lower standards of consent.

    What that means is that I can touch men (and often women) without asking in ways that they cannot touch me without first getting my consent.


    Or, rarely.

    I never have.

    But, then, I'm generally pretty careful about my approach, and make sure that I do get consent, because that's important to me for obvious lifestyle reasons, but also because it's a part of my sexual identity. Verbal consent is fucking hot to me...

    But I digress.

    Being a woman has it's perks.

    Not the same perks as being a man with the same overall privileges but male, sure... but still, perks.

    And I am aware of them.

    So, I'm not sure where I'm going with this writing, except to say I am aware of my privileges, and I try to make sure that I build my own personal code based on the awareness that not everyone has them.

    For example:

    • I reply to every message on dating/kink sites, even if it's, "Thanks, but no."
    • I always smile and thank men when they compliment me.
    • I turn people down gently (unless they are assholes to me).
    • I encourage men to learn more about women FOR OTHER WOMEN, not just for me.

    I know it can be hard being a man in this lifestyle, without me making it worse.

    And that's not pity.

    I know many men who do just fine. And everyone reading this can, too, but it takes MORE effort for men (especially single men) to fit in than it does women.

    No, it's not fair.

    But it's also not fair that men lose weight faster than women, are physically stronger (overall) than women, and can parallel park better.

    We all have our dragons to slay.

    So, you have yours. I have mine... and I, for one, will not go out of my way to make any one else's dragons more fierce than they need to be.

    Because I know privilege exists. Especially Pussy Privilege.

    So, out of curiosity, have you ever thought about privilege? What privilege do you have? How have you worked around it, if you have?

    Here's an interesting video on general privilege that I think would be very cool to do with kink/sex:


    I Posted An Ad On Craigslist And I Got Called An Asshole For Responding.

    This is the last of this particular series... although not the last of my daily writings.

    This one is short and sweet, since I've had a jam-packed weekend, and there's really not much to it... except and example showing why many women don't reply to responses to their craigslist ads (or personal dating site ads, or FetLife random messages) when they are not interested, and even more, why women don't say why (which I get asked 4 out of 5 times when I simply reply with, "No, thanks."

    In my ad, this is the last line:

    If you think you fit this bill, reach out. Send me a note. Tell me what interested you about my ad, and include a face photo.

    So, I get this reply, with a face photo:

    I would like to date you  I am in Raleigh

    Aside from the grammar, the lack of immediate attraction to the photo, and the brevity in response to a very detailed post, there is no 'what interested him.'

    And frankly, to me, it read as incredibly entitled. I want to date you. I'm in Raleigh. Great! Ignore all of the other riteria I listed, because you being in Raleigh is all I really need to know... Oh, and that you would actually date me, unlike EVERYONE else in the area, right?

    My reply was (and I sent this to quite a few men:

    Thank you for the offer.
    I'm looking for someone who can follow my directions and enjoy it.
    Best of luck to you in fulfilling your fantasies!

    Two others wrote back, a bit disappointed and trying to change my mind or figure out what they forgot (out of only two things? really?). This guy stepped it up a notch.

    next time just dont answer and keep ass hole remarks to youself. If you were special as you think you are you would not be posting on CL

    So, I'm an asshole for turning him down, and giving him a reason.

    And, on top of that, he has to tell me that I'm not special, because I'm posting an ad on a site he trolls for ads... and um, that he responded to...

    Oh! The irony!

    I Posted An Ad On Craigslist And I Got Derided For Posting My Dress Size

    This is the second in a three-part series, based on a recent Craigslist ad. The first is here:

    I Posted An Ad On Craigslist And I Got Compared To An Alcoholic Or Druggie

    This particular reply is related this this part of my ad:

    I'm moderately attractive. Some think I'm beautiful. I'm curvy, a US size 8-10.

    Here is the first message I got from the next humdinger in my "Douchebags of Craigslist" display:

    I wish women would stop quoting female dress sizes to men to express their body size, as if men know what that is/what it means and also, that somehow, it describes the woman’s whole body.

    Now, I will be clear. I get what he's saying. I mean, sure, most men go through their lives completely and willfully ignorant of most womanly stuff. Periods, makeup, what it's like to walk in high heels, clothing sizes, and of course, the clit.

    However, as I always say, if you don't have anything nice to say... well, fuck that, I figure when someone is rude to me on the internetz, it's game on. Here's my reply:

    Your ignorance is not our problem.
    Nor is your whiny attitude.
    Best of luck fulfilling your fantasies!

    I thought that was pretty fair, right? Well, apparently not. He felt a need to reply:

    Unfortunately, I think you will find it is your problem when you are the one who advertises a need.
    You desire to attract but you fail to communicate and you also don’t care that you are not communicating, which expresses what your mindset is all about. Women need men far more than men need women and when a woman harbors an abrasive & mean manner, she will be destined to spend many years in the wilderness of disconnection…..and posting ads on Craigslist.
    Your face did tell me you might be vicious and so it appears to be so.

    I'd like to note a few passages here, namely, "I think you will find it is your problem when you are the one who advertises a need," and "Women need men far more than men need women."

    I think they come into play in his next reply, so remember those.

    Honestly, I was tickled with his answer. I'm not why, but it really did make me laugh. Perhaps it was the "wilderness" of disconnection that just seems SO FAR from the amazing people I interact with every day... or the "many years of posting ads on Craigslist," which I've already enjoyed, and hope to continue enjoying.

    Now that I'm writing this, I think perhaps his "many years" are making him a bit bitter, and he just doesn't realize that it's HIM, and not all the vicious women.

    But I digress and get ahead of myself, both. My reply:

    LOL! I am so far from vicious.
    My "need" has so far generated 132 replies in less than an hour. So much that I turned my ad off.
    You see, if you wanted to know what my body looks like, it would have been easy to get to know me and find out.
    Instead, you had to write to me with your complaints. Which is highly out of place in the world of courtship and love.
    So, I pointed that out to you in the same manner you pointed your thoughts out to me. Don't like it when it's dished back to you, huh? Well, then don't send those vibes out into the world.
    Again, best of luck fulfilling your fantasies! I won't respond again.

    And his reply/diatribe, with my comments now inserted between, because there is too much gold to wait until the end. I hope you'll agree:

    All females get 100-150 replies to their ads. Many men are not particular, especially the unmatched high quality of men who troll CL. So don’t flatter yourself. Enjoy your schlepping through them, and all the back and forth, all weekend.

    Am I the only one appreciating the irony of his deion of the "unmatched high quality of men who troll CL"?

    And wasn't he going on about my need, earlier, and how I was the one with a problem, since I had a need.


    I didn’t need to know what your body looks like, I simply pointed out the discrimination that takes place and which you are perpetuating. Women seem to want equality but they remain stubbornly fixated on the inequality of the past. Double standards, madam.

    I am a bit confused on how posting my dress size and stating that I am curvy has anything to do with inequality.

    If I hadn't stated that I would not reply again, I may have asked about that.

    I wouldn’t also waste my time “getting to know you” just in order to find out some woman’s body weight, which is quite different to dress sizes, which aren’t really accurate either. Really, you think strangers have that kind of time to waste? That’s quite an unrealistic opinion of youself and your appeal, you seem to have.

    I didn't think strangers had the kind of time to send messages to people they have zero interest in just to whine about their profile...

    Oh wait, yes I did.

    And Interestingly, I've found thatmost people think I'm unrealistic about my appeal in the other direction. But I still think they just love me. And frankly. I'm OK with that.

    Rose-colored Nookie glasses for all! grins

    When you put yourself in the public space, you open the door to opinion and not just to so-called good opinion. You shouldn’t complain, as its part of the deal. A bit too much for you was it? Ahh….never mind, maybe you’ll grow out if it, one day.

    Oh. Now I'm being lectured about "standing the heat in the kitchen." Oh my. If irony were an Olympic competition...

    Fantasies are never fulfilled, because they and reality can never exist in the same space.

    And this gem.

    Which is, ultimately, probably the root of this guy's incredible doucheyness. If this is what he believes, well, life must be a pretty sad place for him, right?

    I mean, I know that some of the things that brighten my every day are memories of fantasies being fulfilled (WAY greater pleasure than I ever could have imagined), and the idea that even more will happen in the future.

    In fact, tonight, I very specifically have a fantasy of pawing a hot young man or two, just for fun, and (here's the fantasy part) them enjoying it as much as I do.


    I Posted An Ad On Craigslist And I Got Compared To An Alcoholic Or Druggie

    So, now and again, I post ads on CL. For dates, to meet new people, bulls, heck, I even buy and sell things sometimes.

    I recently posted an ad. I described myself:

    I am super-smart and interested in your mind as much as your body. I'm good at sex and sensuality and believe there is more to a successful encounter than a grab for the genitals.
    I am polyamorous. I am also very selective.
    I am bi-sexual, feminine, and driven. I prefer my sex with a side of connection, and a hint (sometimes more) of kink.
    I'm moderately attractive. Some think I'm beautiful. I'm curvy, a US size 8-10.
    I am a woman who likes to take charge. What does this mean to you? It means you can be yourself. Strong, capable, loving, aggressive, successful... and you can be mine. 100% devoted and rewarded for it with deep intimacy, powerful love, and amazing sex.

    I got 137 replies before I turned the ad off. Yeah... pretty much par for the course, if it doesn't get flagged by people I've rejected. LOL!

    Anyhoo... I got a peach of a slut shaming reply that I'd love to share with you:

    So you are poly and you like no holds barred sex? You never mentioned being drug and disease free with current papers.
    Have you been abstinent long enough (6-8 months) recently to be tested and know for a fact you aren't a carrier or have contracted any sexually transmitted diseases?
    No holds barred sex and being adventurous can be fun but not if it's with someone who has had multiple partners and is careless. Being selective doesn't mean you know their medical history so don't even try to act as if you know someone just because you gave them a physical overview before sucking and fucking them. YOU or anyone can carry disease for years even decades and not even know you have it. Don't be so damn naive. You sound more dangerous than exciting, actually careless and reckless as well. Sexual fun can be of many varieties but when someone gets sick there is no turning back and you can be held liable. Since you are bi, poly and looking for bi or curious men that quadruples the risks since you are so adventurous and uninhibited. I guess for some people living on the edge and the rush from open sex as you described supersedes any fear of consequences after the fact. Must be similar to those who are alcoholics or druggies.
    That kind of lifestyle will catch up to you...if it hasn't already. Just some FYI since you are posting on CL. Have a good day and go get checked!

    I responded:

    Dear, thank you for your note. Apparently, you assume that poly means ignorant.
    That is not the case with me.
    And your little "just helping out," is a pathetic attempt at making

    yourself feel more significant by putting someone else down.

    It's really transparent. I feel bad for people like you who need such

    hate in their lives.

    I'll wish you the best of luck in fulfilling your fantasies. You'll need it.
    I won't respond again.

    That last bit, the part about not responding is my favorite. That usually just invites them to spew forth.

    And it did:

    I never said anything about ignorance and btw I'm not the pathetic one posting desperate smut for attention on CL. I tactfully asked a few questions and told you what any Dr. and most anyone would know to be facts.
    You are the typical to use the American English language to support your sexual desires by twisting around words and being defensive because you know what I said is true. Those who get angry as you are show the guilt, but with denial you pass the blame. There was no hate at all. If you can't handle the truth then stay the fuck off CL.
    If anyone is pathetic it's not me...I'm not the one posting stupid shit like that for attention on CL.

    Notice he says he tactfully asked a few questions.

    From what I can read, the only question he asked is:

    Have you been abstinent long enough (6-8 months) recently to be tested and know for a fact you aren't a carrier or have contracted any sexually transmitted diseases?

    Which, as far as I can tell is none of his business, since he's not writing because he's interested.

    The rest of what he's said seemed pretty hateful to me. Let's pull a few things out:

    Don't be so damn naive.
    This is what I referred to as him calling me ignorant.

    You sound more dangerous than exciting, actually careless and reckless as well.
    I actually said that I am clean, meaning D/D free, but again, where did I seem careless? I did not mention bareback, or even definitely having sex at all.

    I guess for some people living on the edge and the rush from open sex as you described supersedes any fear of consequences after the fact.
    I also didn't post a call for open sex.

    Must be similar to those who are alcoholics or druggies.
    And apparently being poly and enjoying sex is akin to alcoholism and drug addiction.


    He was just trying to be helpful...

    And yet, I did not ask for his help. In fact, I did not ask for anyone's help. I simply posted an ad, and was 100% clear an honest.

    Perhaps he truly thought that he was going to "scare me straight," or give me information I didn't know.


    But then, why the put-downs?

    Why not just the facts without the vitriol?

    Ah, well, I was looking for something to write about today. smiles

    Thank you, Asshole, MD!

    Sex Ed, The Nookie Way!

    So, I'm doing another open discussion at CoHo this Saturday, from 7-9pm

    , then staying for the play party.

    This time, it's all about sex:

    • Sex during scenes
    • Sexual arousal (Open topic about how to play and be sexual)
    • Containment
    • Public etiquette
    • STD
    • Blow jobs/eating pussy in a safe way
    • Talking dirty during sex and how it effects the sex act
    • Wild and down right raw sex

    And whatever questions you come up with.

    So, come (cum?) join me, and chat about one of my favorite subjects, ever!


    The event is here (on FetLife):

    Loving Deeply, Feeling Deeply & The Trickery Of It All

    Two days ago, Wandarella commented on my No Regrets writing

    on FetLife, and said:
    I would pity someone that never felt deeply enough to experience regret.

    I replied: I feel exactly the opposite. I feel so deeply, therefore I do not regret.

    For me, it is worth regretting only if I do not invest to the deepest level I can (for that relationship) and experience it as fully as possible. And because I do that, I know that things never end because I did not invest or try hard enough, or whatever, so there is nothing for me to regret.

    Thank you for posting this POV. It may have unlocked the key for something else I have been wanting to write about.


    Over the past few months, I have heard the same story from many mouths, dominant and submissive:

    Dom and sub meet. Horrible, wonderful, kinky, painful, crazy things happen. Sex is amazing. The pain and depth is great. There has never been a more perfectly suited kinky couple.

    Then, they fall in love and something happens.

    The play gets softer. Sweeter. Less... fulfilling in the kinky way.

    The sub doesn't understand what's wrong. Maybe they begin to act out a bit.

    The dominant knows something is wrong, but figures it for entirely the wrong thing, and gets softer, sweeter. Tries to use love and reason to smooth the way. Feels less dominant, more loving.

    The sub loves all the love, but something is missing. Where is the sterness? Being held responsible for their behavior? Where are the rules and the beatings and the freaky, kinky sex? These are the hings that really made them feel not only loved, but "gotten," that someone understood their deepest, darkest, neediest bits.

    And so they act out.

    And so on...

    I have spoken to doms who have had this happen in relationship after relationship. I have spoken with subs who are going through the pain and feelings of personal rejection. I have seen this is various stages online, through posts in groups and forums.

    So, I know it happens.

    I just don't really understand it. I'm pretty much the opposite.

    My play with people I don't know is very rare. I play deeper and harder the more I get to know a person.

    The more I value and love someone, the more likely I am to dive into the dark recesses of their mind, and want to touch, tickle and tantalize.

    And this brings me back to the exchange I had with Wandarella.

    I am willing to take MORE risks and play harder BECAUSE I feel more deeply. Because with deep emotion, and knowing someone better, I feel more loving and intimate. Because I know more about what makes them tick, and I can play deeper in their brain.

    I also know if something goes wrong, that our bond is stronger, and more able to handle the breach, and to help with quick healing.

    And, and this is the part I think others might take away:

    Because the more I love them, the more I love ALL of them. And one of the reasons is because of their needs that fit so perfectly with my own.

    I need to own them, heart, mind, body and soul. I need to toy with them, torture them (in the sweetest ways imaginable), I need their yielding, their deep desire for what I can provide.

    So, I nurture it, grow it, take them deeper, look for more ways to play inside those dark recesses.

    Because I love them.

    And because they need to be loved in exactly that way.

    So, while I understand those who love and who don't want to hurt the object of their love and affection, I suggest that the way to hurt them MOST is to turn your back on who they are, and what they need to feel whole.

    And I will never regret that.

    Saying "I Love You" Too Soon... (Thoughts On Communication, Part II)

    Over the past week, this topic has come up several times. Most recently for me is when BaldBushi

    commented on my 'No Regrets"

    writing with these words:
    A more personal example is when the person I was dating a while back dropped out of my life suddenly. My reaction was to nod, understand that saying "I love you" too quickly is not a good thing and move on.

    I was talking with a dear friend of mine last week about the same thing.

    Last night, before I read the comments on my writing, I had a discussion on the meaning of love with a good friend, and touched on this same subject when debating the point of living without regrets—since it was on my mind, and I wasn't sure I'd been clear in that writing at all, but I digress.

    There is a question on OkCupid that comes to my mind to illustrate my point. It says:

    It's your first date with someone you recently met. At the end she/he says "I think I love you."


    • Scary
    • Sweet

    I chose "scary" as my answer, but I know that is at least partially a lie.

    You see, there are times when I can very clearly tell that I love someone upon spending little time with them. The issue isn't with feeling it.

    (Edited to add: When I say little time, that may be a few weeks for me, versus months for others, and years for some. I'm talking about saying it "too soon," in any way that fits the relationship. The First date things is an exaggeration to make a point.)

    The Issue Is With Saying It

    So, I think one of the biggest issues with saying "I love you" too soon is not that you felt it.


    It's that you said it.

    And isn't that wrong? Bass-ackwards?

    It is not acceptable in today's society to say something, even a positive, full-of-affirmation something, TOO SOON.

    Why? Especially when we preach communication, communication, communication.

    It's About Personal Definitions

    Your "I love you" may mean, "I feel affectionate towards you," while theirs might be, "I want to spend the rest of my life with you, having your babies."

    You see where this might cause anxiety on the first date? LOL!

    To be utterly clear, here is the definition of love, as the google




    1. an intense feeling of deep affection.
    "babies fill parents with intense feelings of love"
    synonyms: deep affection, fondness, tenderness, warmth, intimacy, attachment, endearment;

    2. a person or thing that one loves.
    "she was the love of his life"
    synonyms: beloved, loved one, love of one's life, dear, dearest, dear one, darling, sweetheart, sweet, angel, honey; More

    3. (in tennis, squash, and some other sports) a score of zero; nil.
    "love fifteen"


    1. feel a deep romantic or sexual attachment to (someone).
    "do you love me?"
    *synonyms: care very much for, feel deep affection for, hold very dear, adore, think the world of, be devoted to, dote on, idolize, worship;


    Personally, I think the google is lazy in their definitions. I'd rather use the OED, but I don't have it right to hand now. To use intense in the definition, then in the example in the first entry... SMH. But I'll work with something everyone has access to.

    I also find the definition itself contradictory, and the first noun definition is (in my opinion) spot-on, while the first verb definition takes off into seriously ga-ga land.

    Because using that definition, loving (verb) our parents would be weird, huh?

    So, for the purposes of this writing, I'm going to use as my definition, "an intense feeling of deep affection." Your personal definition may be more or less than that, may encompass some or all of the synonyms, and even go into separating out the four types of love: storge, philia, eros and agape


    So, I can say to someone, "I really, really like you, and want to pet all over you" after a first meeting, and feel an intense feeling of deep affection, but to say "I love you" is problematic, because I may fee that affection, and they interpret it as, "feeling a deep romantic or sexual attachment," and the "attachment" part is scary.

    So, how you define love for yourself and how others define love can make a simple declaration into an intent, and on the opposite side, can make a deep, passionate utterance into something taken with a grain of salt in other circumstances.

    Neither of those things results in good communication.

    It's About Personal Experience

    Last night, the discussion had me ranting about how we (humans) shove all of our experiences, good and bad, into love, burdening it, and weighing it down with related, but nonessential accessories.

    I wrote about that here

    , years ago. You can read that, if you'd like... or, I'll give a few examples:

    Everyone Who Loves Me Has Hit Me

    Physical abuse. If everyone who has ever said they love you has also hit you, your experience of love will be that it is not love if there is not abuse.

    All The People I Know Who Love Each Other Are Married

    If you grow up believing that to love someone means marriage, a first date utterance could be quite terrifying.

    My Deepest Love Resulted In My 6-Month Dance With Depression

    To love deeply then means to hurt deeply, possibly deal with mental instability.

    Every Time I Have Felt Love, I Have Also Felt Jealousy

    This is like (thank you for the example, jbbd) saying that because every time you have touched a stove burner, it has been hot, heat and stoves must always come together. Which is not true, because sometimes burners are off, yet there is still a stove.


    The point I am making is that feeling the love is rarely the problem.

    Communicating it in a way another person can grok is the test.

    So, the challenge is to say exactly what you mean, so that the other person understands your meaning of love, rather than defaulting to theirs.

    That might mean saying:

    "I really love being around you. Your energy is incredibly positive to me, and I hope I get to spend more time around you in the future, possibly shoving my tongue down your throat..."

    Instead of "I love you," because we humans are often incredibly attached to our personal definitions, and it is often easier to think our world view is right and true, and another's is skewed and wrong, than it is to make the effort to understand or be understood.

    And one more thing.

    That OkCupid Question? The "Sweet" part?

    So, when could it possibly be sweet to hear "I think I love you" on a first date? When you feel the same way, according to your own personal definitions AND you are the sort who believes in stating your truth, and allowing others to do the same.

    No Regrets

    If I have ONE rule in relationships—kinky relationships, PE relationships, vanilla relationships, any kind of relationships—it's 'No Regrets.'

    Now, I don't mean doing something, then afterwards having to slap the "no regrets" label on.

    I mean take every step in a relationship knowing that if it were to end tomorrow, or 5 minutes from now, or a year from now, that you would have No Regrets.

    And when I say, No Regrets, I mean No Regrets if he tells you he never loved you. No Regrets if you find out she was cheating on you. No Regrets if you find out he stole all that you have. No Regrets if she tells you that you have a small dick, and she's never enjoyed sex with you.

    Seriously. No Regrets.

    And it's simple. Not easy, not at all easy, but simple.

    Every decision you make in the no regrets lifestyle is based on the information you know, and taking responsibility for that decision.



    A FinDomme requests money.

    No regrets means you either decline, knowing she may never talk to you again, you give her money, knowing she is probably playing you, or you take another approach, with whatever the results may be.

    Your Dom asks you to do something you are uncomfortable with.

    No regrets means you either decline, knowing you may be punished, or decide to take the responsibility of doing it, and knowing it was your decision, or try to talk to him about it, knowing you may anger him.

    Your significant other wants to see a movie you don't particularly want to see.

    No regrets means you either decline, knowing your partner will be disappointed, or you go, determined to have the best time possible and have fun with your mate.

    You like a girl/guy, and you don't know how they feel.

    No regrets means you either tell them, and know they may not return the feelings, or you do not, and enjoy having your own secret.

    In fact, I'll go further and give you an actual example of this. I like this boy. He's cute. He lets me paw him, and he reacts deliciously. I told him several times that I like pawing him. I told him that I hope to paw him more. I told him that I like him.

    He could say tomorrow, "Meh. I don't really like you that much," and I would still be happy I told him, happy I pawed him, and happy I asked for more.

    Because I will never regret telling my truth.

    Your No Regrets will probably look different from mine. That's OK. What you might regret and what I might regret are probably very different. That's cool.

    I do hope, though, if you get into a relationship with me, that you have your No Regrets in order. Because I will. and that frees me to say and do things that might be unexpected.

    And if you take me out to dinner, don't do it expecting to get a blow job. If I want to give you one with No Regrets, I will. Otherwise, you better have No Regrets, because I will not sympathize with you if you create some sort of covert contract with me in your head that I fail to live up to.

    And you can bet that in a relationship with me, you will always know what you need to know to have the best relationship with me possible, and that if you decide you want out, I will have No Regrets.

    How To Pick Up A Domme On The Interwebs By Telling Her She's DOIN' IT RONG.

    I've just recently had a messaging experience that I found to be a fascinating study in "My kinky pervy needs are more important than your personal stated preferences," and because this is a difficult concept to explain, I thought I would share it here, as an example of what often goes wrong in communication.

    I am not using his real information. My point is not to call out a guy who is probably mostly awesome in other aspects of his life, but to show how insidious this kind of behavior can be.

    This is incredibly long and detailed, so here is the Cliff's Notes:


    Inviting yourself into someone's inbox, trying to create a relationship with them online when they specifically state they have no interest, and whining about they aren't telling you what you want to hear makes you look like a douche.

    - - - - - -

    I am removing personal parts of the conversation, just to highlight the track of this particular behavior over nearly a month. I'll also comment on the small clues as they come along, for the benefit of everyone to see how easily this can be missed.

    ThisRandomInternetGuy 95M

    BFE, 2,442.6 mi away
    written 26 days ago:

    Please afford me the opportunity to get to know you. Thnx

    NookieNotes 41F

    Raleigh, North Carolina
    written 26 days ago:

    Feel free to engage me and see where it goes.


    ThisRandomInternetGuy 95M

    BFE, 2,442.6 mi away
    written 26 days ago:

    Thank you much for the encouraging reply! I'm heading out shortly, but should be around this evening. Should we arrange a 'chat date'? lol

    NookieNotes 41F

    Raleigh, North Carolina
    written 25 days ago:

    I generally prefer to get to know someone here, before I take things into chat.

    ThisRandomInternetGuy 95M

    BFE, 2,442.6 mi away
    written 25 days ago:

    I'm sorry, I didn't mean "chat" as in online chat. I just meant email exchange, or ideally phone. I'd be glad to get to know you here. It doesn't feel as 'real or personal' to me, as actually talking with someone in a spontaneous discussion, but I'm certainly willing to give it a try. You'll have to lead (as it should be, lol), the discussion, as I'm not entirely sure on how to proceed in this way. What is it that you'd like to know or would facilitate our getting to know each other? Have you met many from this site 'in person'? I've met a few, some more than once, although I've found that most end up amount to spending a lot of time that leads nowhere. I guess it's not unlike the proverbial needle in the haystack, syndrome, LOL. I look forward to your reply and will check in here more than I usually do, for that reason. :)

    NookieNotes 41F

    Raleigh, North Carolina
    written 25 days ago:

    Usually, when someone approaches me and says they want to get to know me, I let them choose the conversation, since they were the ones with an interest.

    Why do you want to get to know me? Let's start there.

    ThisRandomInternetGuy 95M

    BFE, 2,442.6 mi away
    written 25 days ago:

    I'm interested in a Female-led, cuckold relationship/lifestyle.

    ThisRandomInternetGuy 95M

    BFE, 2,442.6 mi away
    written 25 days ago:

    (which I suppose, may or may not include slavery)

    ThisRandomInternetGuy 95M

    BFE, 2,442.6 mi away
    written 25 days ago:

    Emphasis on you particularly would be reflected by you're being experienced and heavily involved, rather than exploring it somewhat as a game, like so many of TNG seem to. Plus of course, being attractive and hopefully very down to earth.

    NookieNotes 41F

    Raleigh, North Carolina
    written 24 days ago:

    You are quite a distance from me. Everything we talk about is really hypothetical, you know. It's different with every partner, and I don't play online.

    ThisRandomInternetGuy 95M

    BFE, 2,442.6 mi away
    written 24 days ago:

I realize that I currently live a distance from you. I address that issue in my profile, as my thinking follows the premise that if everyone already had everything/everyone they wanted, there would be no need to even have websites like this... enabling people to meet those who they would not otherwise get to meet at their neighborhood coffee shop, etc.

    I've traveled several times, significant distances, to meet people I originally met online... some repeat visits. However, it would be foolish & irresponsible to buy a plane ticket, rent a car, hotel, etc. etc. to meet someone with nothing more to go on than a few emails, very brief ones at that.

    I don't "play" online either, but as I just tried to indicate, I'm a realist, willing to do my part to make things happen rather than making excuses for them not to happen. I learned long ago that what you get out of something is generally proportionate to the amount of effort you put into it.

    I can only do my part.

    Hope you had a great day.


    NookieNotes 41F

    Raleigh, North Carolina
    written 24 days ago:

    Ok. You've stated your piece. Here's mine, clearly posted in my own writings on my profile:

    I Don't Do Online:

    The Other Side of Distance:

    To clarify again: I don't do online.

    I know that you can move, but that's not enough, because that would still take many months of online to get to the point where you would know it was worth moving, yes?

    And I really prefer to meet and establish chemistry before considering any romantic or D/s relationship of any sort.

    So, if you ever find yourself in Raleigh, let me know. We could meet for tea or a meal, and spend time together.

    Otherwise, I'm happy to converse a bit online, but no more.


    ThisRandomInternetGuy 95M

    BFE, 2,442.6 mi away
    written 20 days ago:

It seems that our views are similar enough to at least make an attempt to get know more about each other.

    - - - - - -

    Here is where I immediately got a clue that he MAY not be on the same page I was. He did not acknowledge my points at all, even cop to reading what I sent. He then went on for a few paragraphs about how he wanted to get to know me, asked questions, etc. I continued with the conversation, because I enjoy discourse, with a little red flag waving in the back of my mind.

    Some conversation continued, with him asking about things I'm interested in, where I grew up, and so on. He asked me what it would be like to engage in cuckolding with me, or puppy play.

    I very specifically stated that, "My interests change with each person. I like to dig deep into a mind, and find out what motivates it, makes it tick, then respond to that, play with it." I'm telling you this, so that you see the conversation turns when they come.

    Oh, and because I have ZERO interest in providing sank-fodder to someone via private message. If I want to give yawl want fodder, I'll post it in my writings, so everyone can enjoy! grins

    - - - - - -

    ThisRandomInternetGuy 95M

    BFE, 2,442.6 mi away
    written 19 days ago:

    Understanding that even cuckold or slave contracts are tailored to the individuals, can you offer even generalized parameters or guidelines on could be expected, as it relates to you and I.

    Do you believe in having a contract?

    Do you utilize corporal discipline and/or punishment?

    NookieNotes 41F

    Raleigh, North Carolina
    written 18 days ago:

    Understanding that even cuckold or slave contracts are tailored to the individuals, can you offer even generalized parameters or guidelines on could be expected, as it relates to you and I.

    No idea. Like I said, it really is different with everyone.

    Do you believe in having a contract?

    Yes and no. I believe writing things down makes it easier to communicate, and be on the same page.
    I also believe that these things need to flex and grow over time, so a single contract is not the best solution.

    Do you utilize corporal discipline and/or punishment?

    Yes. But only after a long period of training. My Pet is just now getting some corporal punishment, and we are nearly two years into our relationship.

    ThisRandomInternetGuy 95M

    BFE, 2,442.6 mi away
    written 14 days ago:

    I'm really very interested in following a course that begins with actually getting to know you, but it seems (since you like to debate, lol), that this is ? These very brief replies reveal, well, very little. Often it the man who is accused of not being emotionally available or communicative... not so in this case.
... snipped personal content ...
That hardly constitutes getting to know someone enough to travel to them, wouldn't you agree?

    - - - - - -

    So, here you can see him beginning to use "soft shaming" as I call it. He's complaining that I "reveal, well, very little," and "not being emotionally available or communicative."

    He asks quite a few questions as well,including those I share in the next quote to illustrate the kinds of questions he's asking to "get to know me."

    - - - - - -

    NookieNotes 41F

    Raleigh, North Carolina
    written 14 days ago:

    I answer the questions I'm asked. If I have particular things to elaborate, I do. If you want to know more, you're welcome to ask.

    I'm not sure what the blowback is about. I'm not accusing you of anything.

    ... snipped personal content ...

    Last 3 books you read?

    The Importance of Being Earnest
How Real Is Real?

    How serious are you about finding a sub, cuck, slave, etc.?

    I don't understand the word "serious" in this context. I'm not "looking," per se. Just open to who comes into my life, and seeing where it goes.


    I don't know how to answer this.

    And, frankly, this comes off as a bit entitled. You're asking me questions that require facts as answers. Facts are easy, and shortly stated. If you want a different response, ask different questions.

    For example, if you asked questions about why I wrote X piece on my profile, or what inspired me to post Y photo, there is more to engage there than in what I had for breakfast.

    Or, "Where did you live in [state]? Did you enjoy it? Why or why not?"

    I mean, if I was trying to create a conversation, that's what I would do.

    - - - - - -

    I state my position clearly. I offer some suggestions, and my point of view.

    - - - - - -

    ThisRandomInternetGuy 95M

    BFE, 2,442.6 mi away
    written 13 days ago:

    I've had numerous successful, lasting and rewarding friendships/relationships develop from online 'meetings'... not all, of course. We had a dialogue, an actual conversation, that really gave each of us a sense of who the other person was/is. The conversation simply flowed.

    ... snipped personal content ...

    The above are attempts to get to know you, They seem, to me anyway, segments of a typical conversation that would foster two people getting to know each other, as people. A dialogue ought to FEEL different than a question/answer interview with a reporter.

    ... snipped personal content ...

    What are your thoughts about actual phone conversation?

    - - - - - -

    So, rather than engaging me about the answers to the questions I gave him, or discussing what I meant with my suggestions, he comes back at me with what HE believes a conversation should be, and suggestions on how I change.

    Not only is he a submissive male approaching me as a female dominant, but he has also been put on notice that I am simply enjoying conversation, not developing a relationship online.

    With this message, he is trying to steer me to his way of thinking and doing.

    And, please, let me be clear: This would not be cool if he were a dominant male and I a submissive female (or any other combinations of sexes and roles), unless that was a stated and agreed upon relationship dynamic. This is getting to know you, not "how can I berate you for being exactly who you are."

    - - - - - -

    ThisRandomInternetGuy 95M

    BFE, 2,442.6 mi away
    written 13 days ago:

    Also... what does the ideal of having a male as your personal "bitch", look like in your world - experiential or imagined? I wonder if that might blend in to some degree, with your penchant for cuckolding, puppy play, etc.

    It does mine, lol For whatever reason, I find it evokes a rather powerful 'reaction'.

    Do you have any feelings or experiences about 'emasculating' a male, which you find arousing or pleasing? I noticed a pic or two that would suggest so. I've found it is extremely empowering for a few Dominant women I've known/know.


    - - - - - -

    So, he's fishing for wank fodder again.

    - - - - - -

    NookieNotes 41F

    Raleigh, North Carolina
    written 13 days ago:

    ... snipped personal content ...

    However, there is also the IDEAL, the fetish, what about it appeals to someone (you, in this case), IDEALLY, the "in a perfect world" scenario.

    Perhaps you don't understand that you are asking the wrong question.

    Neither puppy play nor cuckolding is required in my life. They are simply games or tools that add to my main focus: mental intimacy and behavior modification.

    Nothing else matters, so there is no "ideal." It's all about the connection between two people.

    A dialogue ought to FEEL different than a question/answer interview with a reporter.

    Well, then it's about the right/wrong questions. I am a logical person. I will answer as I think the question requires, then see where the other person leads it from there.

    There is a lot of depth to explore, as you have begun.

    What are your thoughts about actual phone conversation?

    I tend to not really like phone. But I'm willing to Skype or whatever to voice verify.

    Also... what does the ideal of having a male as your personal "bitch", look like in your world - experiential or imagined?

    I don't use that word. It's too feminine for me.

    And I don't see my partners as "less than," but as equals who have different strengths.

    Do you have any feelings or experiences about 'emasculating' a male, which you find arousing or pleasing?

    I don't emasculate. He may feel more feminine, but that's not my requirement. I do what I do because I love textures and contrasts. He enjoys it for the feminization, sometimes. For the humiliation. For the turn-on. I love his reaction, but I don't do it for the reasons he loves it.

    So, you see? Your assumptions take you down the wrong path in your questioning, so you get answers that may not make as much sense or fulfill whatever you're looking for from asking the question.

    ThisRandomInternetGuy 95M

    BFE, 2,442.6 mi away
    written 12 days ago:

    I don't actually think it is the answers per se... it is more that the Q/A format, to me, doesn't lend itself to a feeling of intimacy, which is odd because that seems to be at the core of what you seek (myself as well). Perhaps with a bit more experience, I'll be able to relate it more to the affect associated with personal-type conversation(s).

    It is a unique challenge, to blend a vanilla type exchange in with the fact that our paths have crossed as a result of our mutual connection to the world of BDSM.

    ... snipped personal content ...

    Skype is fine with me, although I'll have to figure out how to use it. Now that I think of it, you don't know what I look like above the shoulders, lol.

    As for cuckolding & puppy training... to me, it is a freedom and trust to 'let go' completely, trust and totally submit, knowing it involves a willingness to expose one's self to humiliation (among other things)... that is proportionate to the framework of emotional intimacy that you appear to understand (and seek), so well. 'Talking' it out, seems to be facilitating the initial stages of that process... which I just sensed as I type this.

    I've only used Skype successfully once, although I tried twice (second time the other person didn't have volume), so I know it's possible and I have a Skype icon. Of course that treads near the border that holds me hostage to 'insecurity' and 'fear of rejection', LOL Then again, as indicated earlier, that's an unavoidable component to abject submission, cuckolding, doggie training and/or related activities & interests.

    So... having largely avoided the Question/Answer format ... I look forward to (hopefully), a free-flowing & comprehensive reply!


    - - - - - -

    What he means by this last line, of course, is a reply that meets HIS standards of free-flowing and comprehensive. At this point, it is eminently clear to me that we are not a match of any sort (has really been for a while), but I continue on with he conversation. I am entertained and engaged, and wondering how far he will take all of this.

    - - - - - -

    ThisRandomInternetGuy 95M

    BFE, 2,442.6 mi away
    written 12 days ago:

    I don't emasculate. He may feel more feminine, but that's not my requirement. I do what I do because I love textures and contrasts. He enjoys it for the feminization, sometimes. For the humiliation. For the turn-on. I love his reaction, but I don't do it for the reasons he loves it.

    Sorry, but I'm not entirely sure what you meant by this... can you Please elaborate. "Textures and contrasts" feel a little vague, in the context of our discussion.

    I guess the question becomes... what are the reasons that you do it? What about it turns YOU on?

    As an extension of that... how deeply do you enjoy 'control'... to what degree are you comfortable & capable of exercising it? Micro management?


    So, the bit here that I find most amusing is the need to add, "'Textures and contrasts' feel a little vague, in the context of our discussion."

    It wasn't necessary to say it felt vague. Or cast any judgment on it at all. It would have been easy to say, "What do you mean by 'textures and contrasts'? That's interesting to me."

    It's completely unnecessary to go further than stating your own position.

    - - - - - -

    NookieNotes 41F

    Raleigh, North Carolina
    written 12 days ago:

    ... snipped personal content ...

    I guess the question becomes... what are the reasons that you do it? What about it turns YOU on?
    Well, I get off on the trust.

    Have you read my writings at all? I go very in depth into why I do what I do in those, and also what I do in some examples.

    So, I guess that's why I've mentioned reading those, and possibly using them for discussion. I say what I need to say, and yet, it's in context. Taken out of the context, the reasons and experience change, so I use the experiences as containers for specific thoughts and processes.

    ... snipped personal content ...

    ThisRandomInternetGuy 95M

    BFE, 2,442.6 mi away
    written 12 days ago:

    ... snipped personal content ...

    I read a couple of things you wrote, but the essence of what I'm trying to discover about you/BDSM would be better understood if presented in a 'hands on', experiential and practical application/experience. That tends to set the stage & reveal more about the underlying theoretical & underlying elements of arousal, satisfaction and pleasure.

    Was I mistaken in thinking of you as a Domme? I have the impression that you'd appreciate receiving complete obedience.

    To me, it seems like an easy, practical matter to simply explain how a person's fantasies would look when being applied, rather than imagined. For example, the woman I knew who was totally into puppy play, began with a conversation of course, but the first application thereof, involved getting a newspaper and putting a couple of sheets on the bathroom floor, as you might for a puppy who is learning to be potty-trained or 'housebroken'.

    Will you provide me at least a fundamental outline of how you'd apply your knowledge, interest & experience in doggie training, to a human male?

    That was her first step in the training process, the mental results were extreme... evoking a previously unknown take on total submission

    Because each Dominant has Her own style, her own approach to training the male, I believe it warrants strict control initially, as a means to tailor the male's behavior, rituals, etc. to the unique demands or preferences of an individual Dominant. I believe you reference it as "BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION", which, with me, seems to elicit a very compelling, almost irresistible, desire to open the gate to ever increasing obedience... the complementary result of trust, openness and candor.

    It just boils down to theory & practice. As we agree, the application can be tailored to the individuals, but nonetheless there is a definite understanding or approach to how someone would 'like' to apply or express their fantasies in real life application.

    That's what I've been trying to learn about with you. Does that make sense? lol

    Would you like to schedule our Skype meeting?

    - - - - - -

    Again, here he goes on and on about how he wants me to communicate with him, how he sees the conversation progressing ideally, how he has experienced things in the past, all with the goal of trying to get me to conform, without actually engaging me to find out why I say what I say to him, or even address it in any meaningful way.

    Like he says, "That's nice, now let's talk about how to do it again."

    And, he keeps talking about his submission to me, which I have not encouraged, nor do I want.

    I respond to his points, trying to see if he can acknowledge that I am a human with my own views, not meant to simply br brought around to his way of thinking...

    - - - - - -

    NookieNotes 41F

    Raleigh, North Carolina
    written 11 days ago:

    I read a couple of things you wrote, but the essence of what I'm trying to discover about you/BDSM would be better understood if presented in a 'hands on', experiential and practical application/experience.

    Well, I think what I write is about as close as you'll get, until/unless you actually experience it.

    To me, it seems like an easy, practical matter to simply explain how a person's fantasies would look when being applied, rather than imagined.

    To you. That is the key, yes? Your experience is not mine.

    Isn't getting to know someone about learning their experience?

    Your experience is valid to me. However, it doesn't seem like my experience is being validated by you.

    For example, the woman I knew who was totally into puppy play, began with a conversation of course, but the first application thereof, involved getting a newspaper and putting a couple of sheets on the bathroom floor, as you might for a puppy who is learning to be potty-trained or 'housebroken'.

    That's nice. Her experience is that she has very specific physical play needs.

    I'm not sure how many times I can tell you that I do not have specific play needs. I have specific mental needs, and my play needs are different with each partner, because I elicit the mental based on their reactions to the physical.

    You're not going to get another answer.

    This is why I suggested my writings. Because they encompass many experiences, and give examples of how I interact with different people, and also how I elicit the mental I desire in various ways.

    However, none of those are exactly repeatable. Nor do I have a desire to repeat them.

    Because each Dominant has Her own style, her own approach to training the male, I believe it warrants strict control initially, as a means to tailor the male's behavior, rituals, etc. to the unique demands or preferences of an individual Dominant.

    You believe. Again, you feel a need to tell me your belief in response to mine that does not fit your view. Why are you trying to get me to conform to the way you think female dominance should be done?

    YOUR fantasy is that she immediately take control. That has nothing to do with me.

    I believe you reference it as "BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION", which, with me, seems to elicit a very compelling, almost irresistible, desire to open the gate to ever increasing obedience... the complementary result of trust, openness and candor.

    Yes, it does.

    And the way I do it is MY way. Your thoughts of taking immediate control are, to me, the stuff of porn and bad wank-fodder.

    I have no interest in that.

    It just boils down to theory & practice.

    How much practice do you have? How long have you been in the lifestyle? How many deep, intimate D/s relationships have you been in? How many years?

    Perhaps that will help me understand your experience better.

    As we agree, the application can be tailored to the individuals, but nonetheless there is a definite understanding or approach to how someone would 'like' to apply or express their fantasies in real life application.

    We do not agree. The application of BDSM in my world IS tailored to the individual. Period. There is no 'can be.'

    You are asking about my kink. If you want someone who will parrot your kinks, look elsewhere. Because right now, it seems to me that you are too busy trying to convince me I'm not communicating right to actually communicate with me.

    Would you like to schedule our Skype meeting?

    I wouldn't, at this point. Until and unless I feel a meeting of the minds, I see no point.

    ThisRandomInternetGuy 95M

    BFE, 2,442.6 mi away
    written 11 days ago:

    How much practice do you have? How long have you been in the lifestyle? How many deep, intimate D/s relationships have you been in? How many years?
    Perhaps that will help me understand your experience better.

    My 'real life, in person' experience began in the 70's, in California. I've been in 'the lifestyle' on/off since then, largely on.

    How many "deep, intimate D/s relationships" ... with no empirical, qualifying or definitive diagnostic criteria, I'd say 4, maybe 5, depending on the criteria. A couple being 'more so' than the others. This in addition to many encounters, experiences, interludes, call them what you will. A more detailed explanation would require more time/space, perhaps if/when we actually talk.
I began rather young, and unexpectedly, even unwittingly.

    - - - - - -

    See how he answers the one question, but does not address any of the other statements I made? He is doggedly pursuing the avenues he sees to get his point across.

    Since he feels he has lots of experience, he answers that question. Only to bring it up again... well, you'll see.

    - - - - - -

    ThisRandomInternetGuy 95M

    BFE, 2,442.6 mi away
    written 11 days ago:

    Since each experience for you is predicated on an experiential, mental approach, I haven't taken what free time I have, to search through all your experiences with other people.

    My take on things that all things have some similar parameters, which define them... for example... if someone asks "Do you like to swim"... the reply might be yes/no. Without knowing specifically if the someone prefers to swim underwater SCUBA, breast stroke or back stroke, we can all agree that they like being in the water, basically. Some might like the ocean, some might fear it & prefer lap swimming at a gym pool. That is all I was trying to discern from you.

    Example... puppy play, I'm not sure how your realize that in practical application. I was merely trying to illustrate from my only experience with it.

    The fact that you've told me to ask questions if I want specific answers, and that you value communication (as do I), in fairness to myself, seems to place a lot of the responsibility to carry the conversation or move it along, on me. I ask, you answer... I've asked for elaboration, not in an effort to do things my way, but to understand what your way is. This is one of the few times you've asked a question.

    I hope it is apparent that I'm not trying to engage in controversy, but to remain fully committed to candid communication... rather than fear saying something 'wrong'.

    If you don't want to Skype, so be it. I'm not here to argue, that much I know. If phone is a consideration, so be it. If not, so be it. If you don't want to communicate at all, so be it. I'm at a loss as to what I'm supposed to ask or say.

    I'm not interested in making it a contest of wills. I am however, interested in submitting, cuckolding, doggie training, whatever, with you.

    ThisRandomInternetGuy 95M

    BFE, 2,442.6 mi away
    written 11 days ago:

    The countless photos, texts, profiles, illustrations, fetishes, etc. related to corporal clearly follow a common thread, as with 90% of the many lifestyle clubs/parties I'm aware of. However, it is that clarity or individualized understanding of (yours, herein)... that I've been trying to learn. It is not that I disagree or disapprove of... or wouldn't deeply respond... to your approach. I would. In fact, I just realized that I ALREADY AM.

    I need to be somewhere in 17 minutes, so I hope to Please hear more from/about you later today.

    - - - - - -

    He starts off with an excuse for NOT reading anything I've written, then goes on for paragraphs telling me how I'm doing things wrong in his view.

    Be aware, I am actually not patient here, but researching how this will move forward. I'm enjoying the conversation, and confirming suspicions as well as learning a few new things as well.

    He also feels a need to tell me that he is feeling submissive to me. While telling me I'm WRONG WRONG WRONG! LOL!

    - - - - - -

    NookieNotes 41F

    Raleigh, North Carolina
    written 11 days ago:

    I haven't taken what free time I have, to search through all your experiences with other people.

    I would not expect you to search through "all my experiences with other people."

    However, I have mentioned my writings as a source of insight several times. Your questions often touch on things that are regularly covered in my writings, and you make assumptions that would have been cleared up by my writings as well.

    Which is one reason I post them. So that others can determine my congruency, personality, and thoughts on their own time.

    Example... puppy play, I'm not sure how your realize that in practical application. I was merely trying to illustrate from my only experience with it.

    I realize it after discussing it with my submissive, and finding out what they get out of such play. I think of what I might like to do to get a reaction that works well for us both, and I determine whether that is consistent with my interests.

    So, it's not a question that I can answer FOR you. I would need to answer it with you, if we got to that point.

    I ask, you answer... I've asked for elaboration, not in an effort to do things my way, but to understand what your way is. This is one of the few times you've asked a question.

    The questions you've been asking have not lent themselves to my elaboration. I've already said so clearly.

    I'm not interested in making it a contest of wills. I am however, interested in submitting, cuckolding, doggie training, whatever, with you.


    ... snipped personal content ...

    ThisRandomInternetGuy 95M

    BFE, 2,442.6 mi away
    written 10 days ago:

    ... snipped personal content ...

    I don't want to beg the question, but I will raise the idea, that perhaps the discussion might be sliding into more of a contest than a genuine exchange of ideas and experiences.

    I will however (at the risk of this sounding peculiar or unlikely), yet with complete honesty & candor... admit that I find myself feeling increasingly submissive when I find your notes in my Inbox. Perhaps I'm simply aroused because it is, to the best of my knowledge, nothing intentional on either of our parts.

    You're point would seem reinforced coming on the tails of this confession... as YOU need not whip me to get a confession. Rest assured, I didn't tell you this to please you, although if it does, then all the better.


    He does not engage me on any of my points. He simply adds an accusation, then moves directly into practicing his kink without my consent or interest.


    ThisRandomInternetGuy 95M

    BFE, 2,442.6 mi away
    written 10 days ago:

    ... snipped personal content ...

    Would you find it odd that I'm actually feeling somewhat vulnerable (therefore to at least some degree, trusting), by having confessed that hearing from you arouses feelings of nearly unbridled submission... or something similar... something that feels as though I want to express it through obedience.?.

    ... snipped personal content ...

    In closing, my confidence has been renewed... namely that our paths do converge at the same crossroad, of philosophy & desire... providing we allow (and assist) each other to navigate around the prerequisite 'semantics' of this website.

    - - - - - -

    More of his personal kink. His insistence on creating intimacy through online connection, despite my saying it's not a interest of mine.

    - - - - - -

    NookieNotes 41F

    Raleigh, North Carolina
    written 9 days ago:

    ... snipped personal content ...

    Would you find it odd that I'm actually feeling somewhat vulnerable (therefore to at least some degree, trusting), by having confessed that hearing from you arouses feelings of nearly unbridled submission... or something similar... something that feels as though I want to express it through obedience.?

    No. I would not. That's not unusual, in my experience.

    ... snipped personal content ...

    In closing, my confidence has been renewed... namely that our paths do converge at the same crossroad, of philosophy & desire... providing we allow (and assist) each other to navigate around the prerequisite 'semantics' of this website.

    We'll see.

    - - - - - -

    And now, he starts really getting cranky that I'm not following his lead in the conversation. The proverbial gauntlet has been thrown.

    - - - - - -

    ThisRandomInternetGuy 95M

    BFE, 2,442.6 mi away
    written 6 days ago:

    I hope your weekend is getting off to a fine start.

    After reading your last note a couple of days ago, I was at a lost as to what to write next. As I touched on earlier in the correspondence, it seems like an interview more than a balanced conversation. The content seems to rest on what I say or ask. Your most recent reply seems to illustrate that clearly... you cut/paste a reply to what I write but there seems to be no initiative on your part, nothing to engage in on a conversational level.

    To continue such a one-sided dialogue with me having to initiate the topic and carry the entire conversation is rather futile. I ask a question about something... you answer... yes/no... there's no glue to connect the exchange beyond what I come up with... it's a dead-end, unless you have an idea.

    NookieNotes 41F

    Raleigh, North Carolina
    written 6 days ago:

    Well, see, I think just the opposite. For example, were I in your shoes, here's what I might reply:

    No. He discovered that he has stage four pancreatic cancer a few weeks ago. That is a higher priority than remaining as my sub, even for me.

    Oh. Well, I'm so sorry to hear that. I guess i just assumed the relationship had ended for the usual reasons. That must be difficult. Were you close?

    No. I would not. That's not unusual, in my experience.

    Really? That's interesting. I'm not sure I've experienced it before. can you tell me a bit more about this?

    In any sort of relationship with me, it is incumbent upon all parties to speak.

    So, how does that work with D/s? Do you put rules into place, or create protocols or rituals around communication? How do you encourage it, if your submissive is not used to being able to speak up?


    And those are just examples.

    So, I'm not quite sure why you keep complaining about me not giving back. A conversation is back and forth. Just because I answer the question does not mean that's all I have to say, but if you show no further interest in my life and answers, why should I be trying to formulate answers that match your method of communicating?

    18 days ago I made very clear my stance on online. I also made clear that since you contacted me, you would be driving the conversation.

    I enjoy the back-and-forth we have had. If you don't, that's fine, and I wish you the best.

    - - - - - -

    I use examples from our conversation to show how he could continue engaging me, if he chose. I also make it very clear that he may continue or not as he sees fit.

    - - - - - -

    ThisRandomInternetGuy 95M

    BFE, 2,442.6 mi away
    written 5 days ago:

    My reply was meant to be in the form of an observation, rather than a complaint.

    A representative sample:

    You wrote: No. I would not. That's not unusual, in my experience.

    The reply you formulated for me via proxy:

    Really? That's interesting. I'm not sure I've experienced it before. can you tell me a bit more about this?

    I've asked and commented, several times... for you to elaborate on things. This suggests I have to ask or draw out a more in depth response on each individual topic. It certainly seems like a needless step(s), when the question/topic as presented invites elaboration.
    In any sort of relationship with me, it is incumbent upon all parties to speak. <-- I'd already said that very thing... then there's this: So, how does that work with D/s? Do you put rules into place, or create protocols or rituals around communication? How do you encourage it, if your submissive is not used to being able to speak up?

    Why not just explain your thoughts/rules/protocols without all the cumbersome steps and Q/A analysis needing to be involved?

    You already know these are relevant issues, not only by virtue of the website itself, but because I've repeatedly asked for elaboration on things such as this.

    After all, you did say (and I agree), that the Woman/You are the one to provide the leadership role, for me to follow.

    It often seems like you prefer a contest over a more free flowing & beneficial exchange that fosters the pursuit of our mutual interests. We're still doing just that, LOL

    I don't know that learning your explicit rules/protocols qualify as 'online'.

    For the sake of clarity... it is not that I don't want to abide by your rules/protocol; it's more a matter that I simply don't understand what that entails and/or how to proceed.

    My interest from the outset has been and continues to be, your interest in cuckolding and being Dominant, male submission up to & including at least some degree of feminization, perhaps Owning a male, as well as the dog training.

    How do you suggest we get to know each other in a realistic and mutually rewarding fashion... encouraging and supportive enough to travel/meeting?

    I have to run an errand, but hopefully can hook up with you later today

    NookieNotes 41F

    Raleigh, North Carolina
    written 5 days ago:

    This suggests I have to ask or draw out a more in depth response on each individual topic. It certainly seems like a needless step(s), when the question/topic as presented invites elaboration.

    To you. To me, it shows interest in continuing discussion on that topic. Seems simple.

    Why not just explain your thoughts/rules/protocols without all the cumbersome steps and Q/A analysis needing to be involved?

    I do. In my writings. If you want more than that, continue the conversation.

    You see? You want more, but you want me to just give you volumes of content. I'm happy to converse, but not to take a simple question and make it a novel, when it might be just a passing fancy.

    That is no more a conversation than you complain this is.

    After all, you did say (and I agree), that the Woman/You are the one to provide the leadership role, for me to follow.

    No. that's not true. I don't own you, nor have I accepted that role. We are equals, except for the fact that you initiated this conversation and interest, which put you in the position of pursuing it.

    It often seems like you prefer a contest over a more free flowing & beneficial exchange that fosters the pursuit of our mutual interests.

    You are interpreting it that way. I am not.

    I don't know that learning your explicit rules/protocols qualify as 'online'.

    It doesn't. Except when you ask how they would apply to YOU.

    For the sake of clarity... it is not that I don't want to abide by your rules/protocol; it's more a matter that I simply don't understand what that entails and/or how to proceed.

    For the sake of clarity, there are no rules protocol, since I don't own you.

    Act like a human, I will, too.

    My interest from the outset has been and continues to be, your interest in cuckolding and being Dominant, male submission up to & including at least some degree of feminization, perhaps Owning a male, as well as the dog training.

    Yes, and you are asking questions and I am answering.

    How do you suggest we get to know each other in a realistic and mutually rewarding fashion... encouraging and supportive enough to travel/meeting?

    Well, I don't. I mean, getting to know each other is wonderful. If you want to read my writings, and be able to comment more specifically on things you are curious about, that would help.

    But I am not conversing to make this worth traveling for. If that happens, that's on you. I'm doing it because I enjoy conversing.
    Simple as that.

    If we meet, then YAY! I love meting new people. If we hit it off, even better.

    I have no expectations for that, so I am not working towards that. Simply enjoying this as we go now.

    - - - - - -

    Restating my points. Very likely while he was sending the following messages.

    - - - - - -

    ThisRandomInternetGuy 95M

    BFE, 2,442.6 mi away
    written 5 days ago:

    In between errands and going to a movie. Checking email and thinking that this is not unlike playing tennis, in some ways. Ideally, neither of us like 'online', but I find myself thinking that it's probably warranted in our case... we can talk 'about' it... or we can actually move on to the court and start playing with each other. I'll serve.

    We've each had at least one successful online D/s relationship, so I know it can work... it's an excellent way to get enough of a feel for each other's place/practice and set the stage to transfer it to in-person.

    After all, slaves were often sized up and acquired at auction, prior to being taken back to the plantation to begin their Mistress/Master's rule.

    We have nothing to lose... nothing ventured, nothing gained. It's not something I'd have expected, nor been willing to pursue before now... but in & off itself, doesn't seem like such a bad bad approach to explore.

    There are pros as well as cons... What are your misgivings about doing so?

    ThisRandomInternetGuy 95M

    BFE, 2,442.6 mi away
    written 5 days ago:

    At least we'd have a progress continue to adhere to, timeframes for meeting, guidelines... and something founded in practice rather than just theory. A trial run, a test drive of sorts.

    NookieNotes 41F

    Raleigh, North Carolina
    written 5 days ago:

    Slaves were bought, and could be sold or given away.

    We are not talking slavery. We are talking about two people interacting with a relationship.

    That's not about the health of a slave or their willingness to work. It's about thousands of small points of compatibility.

    We've each had at least one successful online D/s relationship, so I know it can work... it's an excellent way to get enough of a feel for each other's place/practice and set the stage to transfer it to in-person.

    Did you read my post about why I don't do online? And my message about what I am willing to do?

    ThisRandomInternetGuy 95M

    BFE, 2,442.6 mi away
    written 5 days ago:

    One of the few things we've clearly agreed on is that, for the most part, each fetish can be or should be, tailored and to meet each person/couple's circumstance/desires/etc. It therefore stands to reason... that it would make sense to know how a given fetish or practice would apply to ME AND YOU. i.e., doggie training

    Also, cuckolding... would it involved wearing a chastity device, performing bi & clean-up functions, helping you prepare for dates... (I've seen a few contracts for Domme/cuck couples and have been a Bull on more than one occasion... each with basic practices and rules in place, yet modified to the couple & circumstance)

    It seem logical in my world anyway, lol ... that one could only make intelligent and informed decisions, if they have a reasonable understanding of what to expect, what is involved. It shouldn't be a guessing game. Fair?

    NookieNotes 41F

    Raleigh, North Carolina
    written 4 days ago:

    It seem logical in my world anyway, lol ... that one could only make intelligent and informed decisions, if they have a reasonable understanding of what to expect, what is involved. It shouldn't be a guessing game. Fair?

    I'll agree that it seems logical in your world.

    In mine, that's not how it works.

    Perhaps it's easier to see me as a facilitator of myself and another getting what we want through cooperation at first, eventually finding a path that leads us together towards a benevolent dictatorship.

    However, I don't generally "Date" D/s at first, even if that is acknowledged. I date as equals, getting to know the person as they are (perhaps there are top and bottom plays) until the power is transferred after much time, and an agreement is met.

    ThisRandomInternetGuy 95M

    BFE, 2,442.6 mi away
    written 4 days ago:

    I understand your approach and of course it is not without merit. Conversely though, I lean toward the fact that Fetlife isn't and consequently sets the nature of the relationship...

    As for the transfer of power, I'm willing to do so and see how it works out. I've found that in life, or in mine anyway, there are patterns or types, of people, etc. In broad categories, there are those who (a) make things happen (b) set the stage to let things happen (c) those who don't open the door when opportunity is knocking, ending up wondering what the hell happened.

    I understand "getting to know the person as they are"... but in our case, I don't have a sense I actually know you anymore now than before I even wrote the first time. The upside is that perhaps that makes you/us unique. lol

    If an agreement suits you, I'd certainly be interested to hear at least an outline of the procedures/protocol... and my guess is that I'd probably follow and obey.


    - - - - - -

    He says:

    I understand your approach and of course it is not without merit. Conversely though, I lean toward the fact that Fetlife isn't and consequently sets the nature of the relationship...

    Awesome! Good to know that the life I choose for myself is "not without merit." Also, i had no idea that FetLife and are different sites. Where the fuck has my head been?

    LOL! This is extremely condescending. He's suggesting that I am not capable, as a DOMME HE IS PURSUING of setting my own relationship paths and standards. I am making the mistake here, and good for me that he came along to set me right.

    - - - - - -

    NookieNotes 41F

    Raleigh, North Carolina
    written 4 days ago:

    Conversely though, I lean toward the fact that Fetlife isn't and consequently sets the nature of the relationship...

    I prefer to do what's right for me and in my eyes, regardless of the surroundings or others' behaviors.

    (b) set the stage to let things happen

    I am this type. I set the stage, and those who want what I offer follow, and give over their power.

    I do not need to take. I don't ever hide my head, although I do often turn things down when offered, if they are not a fit.

    I understand "getting to know the person as they are"... but in our case, I don't have a sense I actually know you anymore now than before I even wrote the first time.

    That's too bad. Seems I've actually given you a lot of detail. Frankly, it seems like you are not going to get what you want from me.
    I am exactly who I am, and your railing against that is not going to change it. Those who follow me and love me love exactly the things about me that you seem to complain about.

    If an agreement suits you, I'd certainly be interested to hear at least an outline of the procedures/protocol... and my guess is that I'd probably follow and obey.

    I don't understand what you are getting at, here.

    ThisRandomInternetGuy 95M

    BFE, 2,442.6 mi away
    written 3 days ago:

    the power is transferred after much time, and an agreement is met. <-- I was referencing that dynamic in my reply:

    If an agreement suits you, I'd certainly be interested to hear at least an outline of the procedures/protocol... and my guess is that I'd probably follow and obey.

    As for getting to know you, details, etc. The only other way that comes to mind to explain it might be that the Q/a format, and "writing about writing" and "talking about conversation" does not necessarily mean one is engaged in... that any meaningful degree of intimacy has been established. For whatever reason you're not seeing that, and trying to explain it has become redundant. It isn't unlike a battle plan where Generals sit around the table lost in the argot of their profession... discussing strategy, plans, personnel, deployments, yada yada... but once their on the battlefield all the variables, including the unforeseen, come into play and the outcome may look nothing at all like the plan, gathered from the intelligence reports, etc. Same can be said of a corporate board room, they can discuss marketing, inventory, yada yada ... but at some point you have to leave the boardroom behind and get the product or service into the hands of the consumers, and only then will success or failure be determined.

    If I may suggest it... I'm willing to make an effort, in fact I'm trying to, go move this forward... perhaps call it a 'test marketing' campaign, or a "probe" in military terms... out of the discussions of the boardroom, beyond mere theory and into practice. As a wise old Estonian Proverb proclaims... "The work will show you how to do it.'

    Sometime I've only done once ever and it wasn't on my own volition even then... I thought I would wear panties when addressing you here this morning. A display of submission and a willingness to obediently follow you.

    If you don't want to put theory into practice, I understand. I can only try and HOPE that my doing so provides you at least some measure of Pleasure.

    - - - - - -

    OMG! The YUR DOING IT RONG is strong with this one. Maybe if he just throws words at me about manly things like military, I will simply accept my place the dial-a-mistress of his dreams.

    - - - - - -

    NookieNotes 41F

    Raleigh, North Carolina
    written 3 days ago:

    If an agreement suits you, I'd certainly be interested to hear at least an outline of the procedures/protocol... and my guess is that I'd probably follow and obey.

    I do not exchange power online, nor with just anyone. My Pet and I didn't create a formal exchange for 8 months, and that was quick for me.

    I take the responsibilities of power exchange very seriously. To me, it is akin to getting engaged.

    I would never do that with someone I've not even met and don't live near.

    Now, I'll be clear, I don't knock others who do. I just don't choose that route for myself, as I thought I had made clear over and over through my conversation with you and my writings, the links to which I've sent in these messages.

    The only other way that comes to mind to explain it might be that the Q/a format, and "writing about writing" and "talking about conversation" does not necessarily mean one is engaged in... that any meaningful degree of intimacy has been established.

    I am engaged. If you are not, that's on you. If you think I'm not, that's also on you.

    You're right, though. No meaningful degree of intimacy has been established.

    Again, over and over, I have said I have no interest in establishing interest online.

    I'm beginning to wonder about your experience with people/women online and off. Do you not find that people mean what they say? Or is it just that you have often enough been able to change their minds (of even dominant women), that you completely ignore their stated positions?

    I thought I would wear panties when addressing you here this morning. A display of submission and a willingness to obediently follow you.

    How, exactly do you feel this is a display of submission? Or willingness to obediently follow me?

    I guess it's so far from what I would consider either of those things to be that you've piqued my interest.

    - - - - - -

    To be clear, I did not in any of the excerpted chats ask him to do anything for me, ever. To me, his wearing panties is simply an expression of his own fetishism, and telling me about it is trying to involve me without my consent.

    I'm not offended, and I don't care. It's just many many miles away (like Earth to Pluto far) from what I think of when I think of submission or willingness to follow to do it on his own.

    - - - - - -

    ThisRandomInternetGuy 95M

    BFE, 2,442.6 mi away
    written about 19 hours ago:

    I could point out a couple of subtle contradictions surrounding online involvement.

    However, there's no point. This to me is nothing but an endless diatribe, drivel... leading nowhere.

    My interest was sincere, but my goal is not to take 5 or 10 years to get to know you well enough to travel to you.

    Oddly, you espouse an egalitarian approach, being equals, etc. yet when actual accountability comes into play and mutual responsibility, you're quick to avoid it... and simple put everything "on you"

    I'm sure you'll find someone who is content to do nothing but write emails that accomplish nothing toward what we both claimed to be seeking and interested in.

    Question my experience all you want, it began in 1978 and I have A LOT of it... in person (far, far more than you of that I'm sure), and an adequate amount online.

    Be well.

    - - - - - -

    See how he throws in that note about his experience? Yeah, he's been "at it" since I was five years old. Because that makes his way of subbing more valid than my way of domination, duh.

    - - - - - -

    You can't respond to this conversation because ThisRandomInternetGuy has deactivated their account, you've blocked them, or they've blocked you.

    - - - - - -

    So, in addition to pointing out the many ways to show a person that you couldn't care less about what they think or feel, despite professing a desire to serve them and follow their lead, to me, this is a prime example of making your own decisions.

    There are many people who will sing my praises (and many who won't), however, this guy and I are not a match on a very basic communication level, and then add to our incredibly different ideas on how humans should be treated (much less how to treat a person you may be interested in entering a power exchange with), a relationship be a nightmare, and probably make both of us look awful by the end.

    Again, I'm not calling him a bad guy. I don't know him well enough for that. Also, his desires and needs are no less valid than mine. They are just not MORE valid than mine, either.

    I'm simply saying that his approach is one that many men take towards women, whether sub or dom. And some women take towards men as well.

    No matter how it happens, it's never a good thing, IMO.

    Your thoughts? Did you make it through? LOL!

    Saturday, I taught at LaFortress. A BJ class and an orgasm class. Had a great time, met new people, and heard something that made my stomach sink.

    Someone has used my name, my online presence, and their connection to me as a friend as a reference. And then gone on to be a bit of a dickhead.

    Unfortunately, this is not the first time, nor the first person to do this. And also, unfortunately, I hear about it after the fact far more often than I am contacted before things can go wrong.

    So, here's a quick refresher on how to use a reference within the lifestyle:

    1. Get a reference.

    This could happen one of several ways: Someone gives you a name or several of people that they are confident will say good things about them. Perhaps they mention the name of someone who has a good reputation in the community in passing, as if they know them well. Better yet, you watch them online, and choose random interactions to learn about them.

    2. Check the reference.

    Yes. You read that right. You actually need to check the reference. That means reaching out, possibly to someone you don't know, and asking, "Is this person OK? Could you or would you recommend getting into a relationship or playing with him/her?"

    3. Repeat 1 & 2.

    If possible, check several references.

    4. Make your own decision based on what you've learned.

    Of course, no amount of reference checking is going to tell you everything you need to know about a person. You have to make your educated choices based on your own gut and what people have to say.

    That's how it's done. Easy.

    How NOT to use a reference within the lifestyle:

    1. Get a reference.

    Someone gives you a name or several of people that they are confident will say good things about them. Perhaps they mention the name of someone who has a good reputation in the community in passing, as if they know them well.

    2. Use the fact that they offered the reference (however obliquely) AS A REFERENCE.

    This person knows all of these people. They must be awesomesauce. Get nekkid, play, and bare your soul without common sense, because, hey! They know people.


    Just No.

    Let me state for the record: I have friends in the lifestyle I would not and could not recommend for play.

    I bet other people do, too.

    Maybe it's because I don't know them well enough (many people friend me on FL to follow my writings, for example), or it could be because I disagree with how they play, their philosophies, etc. I may have them on my friends list because I want to keep an eye on them...

    The point of references is not to find out how many people friend someone on FetLife. It's not a popularity contest. It's about checking the overall character of a person that you may choose to share your mind and body with.

    To me, that is worth a bit of effort.

    More than a bit.

    So, I beg you, if you are given my name as a reference, USE IT.

    Contact me. Ask me questions. At the very least, you may find that the person who is casually throwing my name around didn't bother to ask me if I would give a reference (they rarely do, BTW), or you may discover that I have quite a bit to say about a certain person, that can help you make a decision to play or not.

    It hurts my heart to hear the stories of people blindly trusting others because of my perceived status...

    Especially when my status is really only perceived. I'm not all that and a bag of chips. I fully expect and encourage ANYONE interested in playing with me to vet me carefully as well.

    If you are interested in playing with me, or pursuing some sort of relationship with me:

    • Look over my profiles (on CS and Fet).
    • Read what I have to say.
    • Reach out to my relationships (for example, to make sure I'm as open/poly as I say, and not just a liar).
    • Go to events and watch how I interact with others.
    • Follow my activities on FetLife, and see who I interact with and how: Does the way I communicate and treat people makes you feel safe and secure, warm and fuzzy, or a bit uncomfortable?
    • Reach out to people within my local community and ask them about me.

    I can pretty much guarantee reviews of Nookie won't be 100% positive, and that's OK. No one is loved by everyone. However, if you're serious about getting involved with me (which means letting me into your head), then you should be serious about finding out as much about me as possible.

    Because, when it comes right down to it, whether sub or dom or top or bottom or switch or kinkster or whatever, the only person who is always there to look out for you is you.

    Some of you who have spent time with me over the past 6 months had the opportunity to meet Mike, or slavemike4u, as he was known here on CS for years (he approached me here on-site).

    Mike was around me, often, helping out with various tasks through the days, errands, driving hither and yon, etc.

    While I never officially took Mike into service, he said he was serving me with all his heart, and there was no room in his life for anyone else, so I guess he was in service, despite my tendency to move at a snail's pace with such things.

    While I was in Memphis, Mike discovered he had stage 4 pancreatic cancer. From there, it was a whirlwind of events for him, that left him back in NY state before I came home.

    He fretted over not being able to say goodbye.

    I wouldn't have said goodbye, anyway. I don't look at death that way. I mean, I don't really think he's alive somewhere, either. I am not religious. I don't believe he is in heaven, looking down on me or anything like that.

    I just don't think death has taken him from me.

    I still have Mike, who he was up to the last text I received from him. I have him here with me, in my head and my heart.

    I'm disappointed that I won't have more chances to get to know him further. I'm more sad for those who view death another way, and who are aching at his passing. Like his son, who was the light of his life, and his greatest achievement. The one thing he was most proud of.

    But for me, I feel more joy in having known him than anything.

    I'm OK. And that is a bit unsettling, because I know it's not how I'm supposed to feel when I lose a friend I love.

    However, I am learning that I am exactly who I am, and being happy for the time I have had with someone is more important to me than crying over their loss.

    I lost an amazing friend, a determined friend, a silly friend, a devoted friend, an illogical friend, a neurotic friend, a snappy friend, a hilarious friend, a generous friend, a picky friend, an off-key friend, a shy friend...

    I lost a friend and I'm OK.

    The article.

    So, this is amusing. It seems like many women "get it," having been the target of similar messages. Many men rage at the "bitchy feminist," and say the guy dodged a bullet, because she's obviously crazy. Others "White Knight" it.

    That said, I think that he went to far, detailing how he wanted a skinnier girl (unnecessary information to break it off). She went too far flinging back the height insult at the end.

    I believe everyone has a right to have preferences. You don't like my curves, that's fine. You don't have to. You don't have to explain it, either. Adults accept that we all have preferences, and can state them without having to excuse those preferences.

    "We're just not a match."
    "I didn't feel the chemistry I'd hoped."
    "I'm not interested in seeing you again."

    These can be said, and be 100% true. Much better than:

    "You're not skinny enough for me."
    "You're not tall enough for me."
    "You're not smart enough for me."

    You see the difference?

    And yeah, if she asks "Why," as if her reason to know is more valid than your right of refusal, or... even worse, tries to convince you you're wrong (you may not believe how often this happens), then you may be more clear.

    I don't think the man intended to wound her. Frankly, I think he thought he was being quite kind. However, he was not, as he may have learned. His insecurities snuck out into the words he put into his message, clear as day to me.

    Oh, and if it's not a real email and response, it's still a valid discussion topic...

    Never Make An Exception...

    This link

    inspired this writing.

    "I'm a philosophy professor."
    "If you could give one piece of advice to a large group of people, what would it be?"
    "Never make an exception of yourself."
    "What does that mean?"
    "People like to make exceptions of themselves. They hold other people to moral codes that they aren't willing to follow themselves. For example, people tend to think that if they tell a lie, it's because it was absolutely necessary. But if someone else tells a lie, it means they're dishonest. So never make an exception of yourself. If you're a thief, don't complain about being robbed."

    I agree. People do this regularly. However, there is another exception that I see nearly as often that is just as damaging.

    Never make an exception of anyone else.

    Or, rather, don't make excuses for people.

    Take, for example, the young lady who met a guy who made her feel wanted, sexy, beautiful. They went on a few dates.

    Then he dropped out of contact. Didn't even text for her birthday.

    He shows back up. Makes her feel alive again. And she writes:

    You put it perfectly! He's not afraid of passion. My head is definitely spinning… and it’s an amazing feeling.
    I guess we’re both doing a good job of listening to each other and respecting our mutual boundaries. Something tells me he may have never been in a really good relationship with a woman before, that he might have been burned a little in the past with demands put on him and he may be somewhat on guards right now.

    So how she's making excuses for him? She hasn't asked him why he disappeared. She would not accept that behavior from her friends or lesser lovers.

    She's making an exception for him from her personal standards. Allowing him to treat her in ways she would never treat another.

    And doing it with MADE UP reasons.

    Have you done this? I know I have. I've stopped making exceptions. For myself. For others. Instead, I choose to accept people for exactly who they are, and make my choices accordingly. Hopefully, this is kinder to both myself and the people I invite into my life.

    Example 19

    In which I am arrogant and uninteresting.


    Thank you.

    own me

    I don't do online.

    live in only. I am seeking lifetime and permanent. You are a school teacher? right?

    Here's the problem: I don't do online.

    Now, I know that you can move, but that's not enough, because that would still take many months of online to get to the point where you would know it was worth moving, yes?

    And I really prefer to meet and establish chemistry before considering any romantic or D/s relationship.

    So, if you ever find yourself in Raleigh, let me know. We could meet for tea or a meal, and spend time together.

    Otherwise, I'm happy to converse a bit online, but no more.

    And no, I'm not a school teacher.

    Own me


    you are cute

    Your messages have no substance and are not interesting. I will likely not answer again, even if you keep writing.

    That is ok.. you can keep toying with everyone assuming you can continue to be arrogant and uninteresting. You may benefit from getting laid and thawed out some. Best wishes honey


    Now, only after the curtain has been drawn does he show his TwooMastery™. Oh! How I have failed thee! If only I had known it was a cruel, torturous test!

    The Audio:
    When He Says "Please"

    "Please..." he says, trailing off.

    "Please use this sweet little cock as I see fit?" I reply.

    "Yes, my Queen," he responds. His cock twitches in my hand.

    "Please..." he asks, his face full of desire.

    "Please take you to the edge over and over, and never let you fall?" I clarify.

    "Yes, my Queen," he sighs.

    "Please..." he whispers, his hands clenching and unclenching by his side.

    "Please keep stroking you, building this torturous pleasure for my amusement?" I query.

    "Yes, my Queen," he moans.

    "Please..." he asks, his hips thrusting.

    "Please remind you why you gave your cock and orgasms to me?" I grin.

    "Yes, my Queen," he whimpers.

    "Please..." he wails, his entire body a study in need.

    "Please show this cock all the attention and affection it has always wanted, but never had until you met me?
    "Please give you pleasure and torture greater than you've ever imagined, in service to me?
    "Please always take you higher, push you harder, and mold you into the best man you can be?
    "Please show you how much I love and adore you through my delicate touch, my hot, wet licks, my shining eyes and my wicked smile?
    "Please enjoy every bit of the control I have earned over you?
    "Please love you?" I inquire.

    "Yes, my Queen," he cries.

    "Mmmm. I thought that's what you meant. Good night, my sweet Pet. Sleep well."

    Communicate It!

    So about two weeks ago, I gave a rocking class on communication to COHO, in Greensboro, NC. My goal was to record the whole thing.

    I failed. LOL!

    Thanks to a glitch, I only got the first half hour or so. Add to that bummer my voice sounding a bit nasal and tinny, and it’s not a great overall recording.

    However, it is a good introduction to communication as I teach it, and since I’ve got a communication course in the works, I’m pleased to present this to you as-is, warts and all.



    FILLED, Thank you! Looking for Trade: Mentoring A Sub Male In Exchange for Easy Technical Work

    Hi! I'm Nookie. I've been around this scene for a while, and I'm primarily into the mental aspects of D/s, sexuality and TPE. You can read more about me on my profile.

    I'm an author and a teacher, and I need some assistance.

    Now, I've paid for this assistance in the past, and I can again, however, I thought it might be more fun to create a mentoring relationship with an intelligent, interesting, and sincere submissive male who wants to learn more about WIITWD and knows his way around a computer/the interwebs.

    The types of work you should be familiar with/able to pick up easily:

    • Posting to WordPress and tumblr blogs
    • Facebook page posting
    • Copying/Pasting content
    • Uploading
    • Emailing/Scheduling (I'll give you your own address)

    See? Pretty easy stuff.

    In exchange, you'll receive:

    • Access to my books and classes in FemDom, cuckolding, etc.
    • Understanding of how an online business (kink or otherwise) can work
    • Personal mentoring and conversations
    • Introductions in the local area (if you are local to me, which would be ideal)

    The details, and what you want to learn specifically can be worked out.

    This is a mentoring relationship. To me, that means that there will be no sexual aspects, so please don't think that's how this goes.

    There will probably also not be any physical play.

    This is about an exchange of ideas and becoming a better person/submissive with guidance, in exchange for a few hours of web work each week.

    To apply, please respond with your experience online and what you are interested in learning.

    Thanks! smiles

    As it often happens, over the past week or so, I've had several conversations that perfectly coalesce into a thought process.

    The first was this weekend. I was paired up at Wingnut Work Day with a gorgeous newbie to the scene, who is interested in the mental aspects of WIITWD, and we got into a conversation about the "whys" of things and how they can make a huge difference in a relationship. I used the desire for humiliation as an example.

    My Pet has asked me about doing some longer-term humiliation play, culminating in a loving rebounding scene.

    And I got a message asking about a video.

    My answer brings a lot of my ideas together, and I'd like to share that conversation with you, and get your feedback on it.


    I read a preview to a video clip. If I remember correctly it said something like the loser still had some dignity left the second time he visited, and that was not acceptable. Instead of doing the fetish that he desired of being forced to lick boots, the dignity of his that was left was taken another way.

    "While filmed", and two women playing a large role, a large black dildo he took in his mouth, and his ass was "raped". Seems the "forced" to lick boots scenario which he was comfortable roleplaying through, was replaced with a more honest "I'm a submissive that likes large black dildos in my holes".

    Via the film it seems he was outed as having little if any dignity to allow and desire women to treat him that way. Plus, I think he paid for that and has desire for the women to use him financially.

    A lot of what I read and interpreted are appealing to me. However with much doubt about what's right for me, I just masterbate to things like that.


    I'm not sure what your question is.

    Humiliation is a valid kink. And fun, in the right circumstances.

    However, it's critical to realize (as you have) that all of it includes consent, and that he wants it, so it is, in reality, just fantasy.


    Thank you for your thoughts. I'm still analyzing it, seems tricky. Yes, consensual. :) Does all that make him a slave with no dignity? I guess in some cases it could, and in a lot of cases it's just role playing. What kind of impact is there when others see him on film? Hmmm.


    Well, that is where the layers come in.

    Does he have no dignity? That we can't know. He is playing a role for pleasure.

    Humiliation is a deep game, and without speaking with him, we cannot know how deeply it affects how he views himself.

    More importantly to ask... if you chose to do the same things, how would it affect you in the moment? After, when people watched? In your daily life, as part of your identity?

    My Pet, for example, loves humiliation. He loves it in the moment, and being reminded of it through photos, audio or video recordings, and me telling him that I told my friends about it. However, it does not change who he is, or our relationship. He knows I adore him, he is confident that he means a lot to me, and he knows he is a capable, charming man in his daily life.

    You see?


    This takes me back to my discussion about why we do, and how it's more important than what we do, much of the time.

    For example, I have no interest in humiliating anyone who believes horrible things about themselves. I don't believe it, why would I want them to?

    I do LOVE humiliating Pet, because I know it's fun. It's role play. I can say horrible, dirty, nasty, degrading things to him, and never worry for one moment he believes them, or takes them on as a part of his personality.

    For example, it's the different between calling someone "my slut" as a term of affectionate endearment and "a slut" as a slur.

    Or me telling a man I am his superior in every way, when we both know damn well he can outrun me and bench press more.

    The pain of humiliation is therefore much like the pain of a consensual beating. It can always be stopped, but until it is, the pain is savored, taken in, build up and finally, released.

    The fantasy of humiliation versus the reality. The fiction versus the fact.

    I would love to hear your thoughts, especially from those of you who enjoy humiliation play of all sorts.


    How Else May I Serve You?

    Showing your submission isn’t only about a collar or bare skin. Showing your submission isn’t just about doing what you’re told.

    Showing your submission can also be about the quiet moments when no orders have been given, no chores are left to be done, when you come to the one you adore, in grace, and you ask:

    “How else may I serve you?”

    Lessons in Dominance: Leaving Your Mark
    For me, a big part of dominance is making my submissive feel owned, like marked territory.

    I’m not talking about the more permanent marks of ownership, like collars, tattoos or brands. Those are a whole ‘nuther thing.

    I’m talking quick, painless (well, almost) and temporary ways of making a sub feel deeply owned NOW, today.

    And over the time we’ve spent, we have enjoyed dozens of different ways to make him feel owned when he is apart from me, whether at work, traveling on business, visiting family, or hiking in the Rockies.

    Over the months since we started our tumblr

    , I’ve posted some of those photos, as we’ve taken them:

    • A decorated rubber band around his cock.
    • A small key design he drew on his forearm at my request.
    • A ribbon wrapped around his cock.
    • A bootlace wrapped around his cock.
    • A bite mark/bruise.

    Today, after enjoying some sexy time, as he prepared to get up and head off to work, I decided to mark him. As I was going through my work bag, near the bed, for a black marker or pen, my fingers instead found a semi-permanent lip stain in a lovely red.

    So, today, my Pet is sporting a large red “Q” for Queen on his balls.


    And while I love the thought of his goody bits being marked as mine, it’s more than that for me. It’s how it makes him feel. Warm. Loved. Owned. Needed. Desired.

    And a wee bit humiliated that someone might see it.


    The Most Appalling Cock Shot I’ve Ever Received, Or, A Response To: Your Cock Vs. My Cock

    So, I wrote this:

    Your Cock Vs. My Cock

    A few days back. Today, in one of my inboxes, I received a link to a video. It’s NSFW, and I’m only going to link to the video screen-capture I made of it it here. I’ll warn you: it’s an appalling self-tribute to a man’s cock in LSD-inspired colors and a horrible soundtrack.

    So, yes, it does happen. Just like this (although this is worse than most):

    The most appalling cock shot I’ve ever received

    I watched it, of course, and thoughtfully replied:

    The music is appalling. Really terrible.

    The cock is nice enough, but the model has no imagination. I got bored after the first cum.

    The pose is unflattering. The model seems to have a nice body, but that position does nothing for his physique.

    The cum shot is a let down. It was more of a dribble than a shoot.

    And the colors. Who wants to look at a moldy-colored cock?

    This is barely worth the “D” I’m going to grade it.

    So, there you have it. Unsolicited cock shots do happen. And they happen in appallingly bad ways.

    So, yesterday, one of my kinky friends had a birthday party with a pirate theme.

    I really wasn't sure how to pull the outfit together, but a quick stop at a costume shop, and I had a wig, an eye patch and a "hook." I also considered a mustaches, since that worked well on St. Paddy's day (see my Fet profile for that pic), but ultimately, I decided that gag was best used sparingly.

    As we were walking out, I was still debating the clothing part of the costume, when my friend said, "disco pirate."

    I have no idea what prompted him to utter those words, or why it immediately inspired me. I knew at that moment I had everything I needed.

    I put on my skinny jeans, tucked them into my black lace-up stiletto boots. A simple white tank and a thick black leather waist cincher with silver hardware. Silver hoop earrings. Red lipstick. My wig, eyepatch, and hook.

    I was nearly done...

    The final pièce de résistance was the black leather harness and huge fleshy cock.

    Yes, friends and neighbors. I went as a butt-pirate!

    Arrrrrrrr! Where's the booty?

    You can see the pic on my profile here (until I replace it) or on Fet (forever), if you're curious.

    Your Cock Vs. My Cock

    As I typed the title, I realized that this could be taken as a comparison rant, wherein I discuss the amazing cocks I can have and fuck with versus the one you men are born with...

    But it's not.

    It's about real life fleshy cocks, and what to do with them, and more importantly, when.

    Yes, this is about cock shots. And receiving them. And why the cock you are so proud of—and may well have been told is a perfectly splendid example of manhood—is just not getting you very far when it comes to the ladies.

    It's very simple.

    When you waggle your cock at me, in photos, it is your cock.

    I am not that interested in your cock. No more than I am interested in your grapes, your Spiderman bed sheets, or your new X-Box.

    Because they are yours, and I don't know you, therefore those things offer no real benefit to my life.

    Interestingly enough, though, I get cock shots quite regularly that I enjoy. Nay, that I love. In fact, as the D in my relationship, I require them. Daily.

    MY cock, I love.

    And I don't mean just because I am the D, and I claim that cock for my very own. I mean because I have a connection to and a relationship with that cock. I know how it responds to me, how it hardens and twitches in my hand, how it feels going down my throat, how it hits the sensitive bits inside of me, how it fits me so perfectly, and so on.

    When I see a pic of my cock, I connect all of those wonderful, positive, amazing things to it. I get all warm and fuzzy feeling inside. I get wet and squishy down below. My heart swells and my mouth salivates.

    Obviously, I love cock.

    But I don't love your cock. Because it's your cock. Not mine.

    When I see a picture of your cock, I get... nothing. Really.

    It may be an impressive cock. I could even say so, "Wow! That's an impressive cock!"

    But I have nothing more. I don't know if your cock is really any good at satisfying me. I don't know if you'll smell good or taste delicious. I don't FEEL anything for your cock.

    And I'm turned off. I didn't ask for your cock, and here it is, staring me in the eye, rudely, a perfect stranger of a cock barging uninvited into my life.

    This is why so many women say that it's best to not send a cock shot to a potential interest, or to at least wait until one is requested.

    Because, like me, they want to see a cock they have a connection to, or hope to have a connection to. A cock they do or may claim as their own (regardless of which side of the slash they are on).

    Not your cock.

    It's FINALLY Done!

    Cuck You! A collection of sexy IR hotwife and cuckolding stories is finally finished, and I could not be more proud!

    Boy, it took a lot of time and I poured myself into it, sharing my fantasies and making fantasies real for my readers.

    And it's paid off! I'm getting great feedback like:

    “That was an amazing twist to silk panties! Very very hot!!! I loved it!”

    “Oh MY GOD! I LOVE this one!! Being made to stand at the Door and listen to you being ravaged expertly! Oh god, I am shaking right now!!!! Fuck yes, then a sexy black stud answering. Yummm!”

    “Damn. I like this story A LOT! ;-)”

    “Oh my god!!!! I love these stories! Making me cook dinner for her and her lover and be their servant! Fuck yes!!!”

    “That was totally amazing–i loved the perspective shift, and of course, i was thinking i was there the whole time, pleasing His cock for Her. Awesome transitions from scene to scene, headspace to headspace.”

    “Silk panties, the first story in your book, certainly had me wanting to come!”

    Re: BBC Night: “That was fucking hot! Best yet! I think I may need a break. Too much hotness at once for me.”

    Cuck You! Interracial Edition is for men, women and couples who enjoy erotica, are looking for ideas to spice up their cuckolding, and want to understand the intimacy and passion of the cuckolding lifestyle.

    Available in PDF and audio formats.

    *deep breath*

    SO glad to have it finished!
    Submissive Safe Haven Symposium March 7-8th, 2015

    Held at LaFortress, in the Greensboro NC area.

    FetLife link:

    On March 7th, we will be hosting an All Day educational symposium.

    Registration starts at 8:00 am.

    Classes start at 9:00 am.

    The three tracks will be offered in different spaces at the event.
    You can float between the tracks.

    This is an event for Submissives Only.
    You must be 21 years old to attend. Event space regulations.

    To register and pay for the event, this is the ticket link:

    The Basics- hard core break it down to the basics of it all.
    The Basics track- Presenter BoyRandi

    Class. Section 1- 9:00-10:30
    Class. Section 2- 10:45-12:15
    Lunch 12:30-1:30
    Class. Section 3- 1:30-3:00

    Newbies- You've got just enough knowledge and experience to begin exploring. This will give you some more pointers beyond negotiations and such.
    Presenters: Master Blue and slave Sheri

    Class 9:00-10:30- "To Thine Own Self Be True"
    Class 10:45- 12:15- "Electric Avenue"
    Lunch 12:30-1:30
    Class 1:30-3:00- "Danger Will Robinson!"

    The Experienced- Topics that tend to become important as you grow more.
    Presenter: NookieNotes

    Class 9:00-10:30- "Communicate It!"
    Class 10:45-12:15- "Dating/Finding the Right Partner"
    Lunch 12:30-1:30
    Class 1:30-3:00- "The Alpha Submissive- How to yield your strength"

    These classes are designed to help you enjoy and explore your submission and learn more about various aspects of power exchange relationships.

    There will be a three hour intensive in the afternoon for all attendees to join together presented by Shareinnc.

    I have five amazing presenters. Plus a great group of people, you, to have amazing discussions with.

    You are absolutely free to choose from any track and mix and match classes.

    Lunch and Dinner on Saturday will be provided to attendees of the class event only, or class event plus sleepover.

    Those staying to attend the sleepover, breakfast Sunday morning will provided- in addition to the goodies that we typically bring for the Sleepover events.

    Preregistrations and RSVPs are critical to designing the meals.

    Cost for all meals is included in the registration.

    The Sleepover- begins at 8:00 pm, and ends Sunday March 8th at 12:00 p.m.

    The Sleepover gives you access to more conversations and discussions with the presenters. Plus, a lot of fun!

    Visit the Submissive Safe Haven Fetlife Group for more details and discussions.

    If you are traveling from a good distance away, please contact me, there may be housing options.

    So, Pet has an embargo against Valentine’s Day. Ask him about it, and you’re sure to be treated to a rant about how “I do more every day of my year than most schmucks can manage on a special holiday…”

    If I want a giggle, I know what to bring up this time of year, for sure.

    And, like any good dominant should, I Am constantly looking for ways to expand his boundaries. Which is why I created this card for my coffee addict Pet’s very own:


    To be fair, I agree with Pet, mostly. Valentine’s Day is a manufactured holiday, these days all about selling things to poor, hapless chumps who can’t remember the rest of the year to say or do a few nice things everyday for their mates. And for those who do, it’s still an added societal pressure.

    Which I think is a raw deal.

    Then again, if you’re not making everyday Valentine’s for your lover, whether male or female, dom or sub, what the HECK are you thinking? Start today. And then continue.
    Every day.

    I woke to several messages from Pet from last night. You see, I was exhausted from a minor surgery and went to bed early. My Pet is a night owl in any case, and often stays up and sends me little notes for me to find when I wake.

    This morning, I had several, Many were photos gathered from websites and tumblrs, focusing in on cuckolding fantasies that he and I have shared and discussed. he continues the conversation for me, telling me what he loves, and giving me ideas for my stories and real-life scenarios.

    And, speaking of stories, I am working on the final recordings. The stories are complete for Cuck You! Woohoo...

    But I digress.

    This note (words by Pet, image by me) was also waiting for me, to remind me that all of the kinky, crazy, fun stuff we do has it's roots in the most important part of our relationship, our connection.

    And for those of you partnered up, I ask:

    Do you let your lover know how you feel?
    Do you do it often?
    Do you go out of your way to think of them, and tell them what they mean to you?

    And from the other side:

    When they do tell you, do you react strongly?
    Do you make it clear how much it means to you to hear that, to know it, deep in your heart?

    This ties into my note from yesterday, although it's not the follow-up I intended. It does make a good point.

    Are you investing, or simply existing? Are you providing positive feedback, or just going through the motions? For those of you who are wanting more out of life, are you giving more as well?

    Pet is. That's for sure.

    Creating beautiful memories. Thank you, Pet for everything.


    Spanking, FLR, Humiliation
    I got a short and wonderful review for my anal book, In Through the Out Door: All about anal play an intercourse for men and women today:

    "Your book is funny...and easy to's like asking someone you trust awkward stuff and you're making it comfortable and not embarrassing."

    I read a quote today. It said:

    Many things aren't equal, but everyone gets the same 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
    We make time for what we truly want.

    This is so true!

    On the CS Message Boards, we were discussing how so many men spend time and money on porn and masturbation and toys to fulfill their kink fantasies, and then complain that they don’t have a lover/domme.

    Well, look where you are spending your time and attention: on yourself, and solo activities.

    Where is the room for a woman to feel welcomed and desired in your life? Are you even putting in real effort to seeking one out?

    Having It My Way: CFNM Edition

    This morning, I received a first message from someone that simply said:

    "Do you believe in CFNM ?"

    No proper introduction. No pleasantries. Just a question about whether or not I would fit the image of a role this person has created in their head, regardless of who I am as a real person.

    My immediate reaction was to say, "Yes, I know it exists," and leave it at that.

    But perhaps I'm feeling somewhat mellow today. Instead, I responded with a bit more detail.

    "I believe it exists. I enjoy it sometimes. I also enjoy lounging around naked while my Pet has to stay clothed, instead of getting comfortable.
    So, if that a fetish thing with you, I'll say, "No."
    Because I do what I want when I want it. And it's not always going to be that.
    You kneel down between my creamy white thighs, and lean forward, inhaling my scent mingled with his strong maleness. Your tongue flicks out, tasting my nectar, sending shivers through me. You begin licking my clit lightly, with just a little pressure to built up the moment.

    "Mmmm....that's it. Yes, don't stop." I rub against your face and Michael’s lap with my ass and pussy, squirming around as your wonderful mouth brings me waves of pleasure.

    You’re startled as he lifts me up and pulls out of my cunt, positioning his cock towards the crack of my ass, rubbing it along my cheeks. You don’t let my pussy escape your mouth though, and your tongue works feverishly against me.

    Just as I am about to say something, I feel your finger exploring my pussy lips. I can’t hold back and a groan escapes me. You insert one finger inside of me, and I rock back and forth on it.

    Your fingers on my clit and inside of me, and Michael’s cock teasing my ass as it slides back and forth is almost too much. The sensations are amazing, and for a moment I forget that I am trying to maintain control, as the pleasure you’re giving me racks my body.

    Suddenly, you hear Michael growl out loud and with a sixth sense, you move quickly out of the way.

    He pushes me to my feet using thick hands wrapped around my hips, forcing his way to a standing position. I'm thrown slightly off balance, but he catches me before I fall.

    You see my eyes are wide with shock as he stands and sends me tumbling off his lap. As he catches me I realize what he’s done, a snarl at being robbed of my plaything comes spilling out and I try to wrest control back.

    You slide back into your position on the couch as he roughly turns me around and pushes me backwards onto a large settee nearby. You see a look of surprise on my face as I fall helplessly.

    You know, despite all my play that this is exactly what I wanted from him, despite the token protest I put up, I teased him to this point, trying to bring out the animal inside.

    It’s only a matter of time, you think, before we find out just how successful I will be.

    This is an excerpt of 'Ass Man, Part 1' from Cuck You: a collection of sexy hot wife and cuckolding stories. Get a free story sent to you here:

    More About the Nookster...

    Over on FL, a piece of writing I did many many years ago has resurfaced and garnered some discussion.

    I'm going to post part of it here, so that you can read a bit more about me, and also because I've been having an interesting discussion that ties into it.

    This is a mix of one journal and the responses to it from over five years ago. Much of what I have to say and experiences I've lived have changed, but many parts are the same.


    I was first aware of kink at 8.

    Yes, I know, many people say that or some silly thing like it, but it's true. My parents were poly-minded, hung out with a very sex-positive crowd mixed of swingers, Hets, Bis, Homos, GQs, TV, you name it (a few are even here on FL, nearly 20 years later). My parents had very little money, so I was toted along to many parties where I was adored as the precocious little girl and eventually fell asleep on the floor, the couch or in a spare bedroom during the festivities.

    Honestly, when I say I was aware of kink, I was. I'll admit though, that for years I did not realize it was not normal.

    My parents never really talked about sex directly. It's like it wasn't necessary. Besides, I had figured out a long time before it was necessary where the Playboys (Yes, I really DID read the articles) and Penthouse Letters were (really? People have sex with strangers in line at an amusement park? Awesome. Maybe that contributed to my running away with the carnival when I was 15... but again, I digress).

    I rarely felt the need to ask questions. I didn't see sex play, it's like I just knew it was there, and that seemed normal and right.

    My 14th birthday was on a Sunday, and on Monday my mother and I went to get me birth control. I was kinda weirded out by this... after all, I had no intention of having sex yet. But we trooped off, and I though it was kinda cool to be on BC, so I went along.

    A few months later, I was glad for it. I had fallen in love and was exploring with my First - a wonderful time for me.

    My Mother knew. We chatted about it one night when my Father was out. She had gotten a womb reading when I was in her belly, and had learned many things about my life, apparently. That I would lose my virginity at 14 was one of them.

    Now, I'm not a fan of the mystical, but she did seem to know and be ready for several major occurrences in my life and take them in stride. I think that, more than anything, typified my parents' attitudes.

    Fast forward to my 16th birthday when I was gifted with the Sleeping Beauty Series, Story of O, and Marquis de Sade and read them all with interest. I enjoyed them very much, but did not feel a need to put them into practice in my own life, any more than small explorations.

    Between 18-20, I lived in Ft. Lauderdale and NYC, and explored the kink clubs in those areas. I was not a member of the communities in those places. I went to the clubs and hung out, enjoying fetish wear, learning to flog here, drip candles there, and LOVED having men follow me around on their knees worshiping my boots. I asked questions when I was curious, and met people into different things. At that age, sneaking into clubs like that and getting that attention was fun.

    I felt no need to delve deep into it. It was "normal" for me, so I went there to feel comfortable and relax. If I had been raised repressed and vanilla, I may have felt a need to jump in and learn every single thing I could immediately, because it might go away. I felt no such need. It had always been there for me.

    This was a part of my life, not my life. (I had/have the same feelings about alcohol, marijuana and cigarettes - they hold no mystery, why should I partake? I have yet to ever touch a drug and I have never been drunk - but I digress.)

    Then, I decided that the man I had been dating for a while in NYC was my soul mate, and he was mostly vanilla, so I was, too - for 14 years, until my 34th birthday when I left him.

    At that point, I realized I had repressed myself for a very long time, and chose to go seeking out sex positive friends and relationships again. I was lucky that not quite a year later, I met my Master/Mate who has 15 years active experience in the lifestyle from a more traditional POV than I had experienced.

    Now, I live with him. We have a slave under consideration. We enjoy FetNights several times a month with other kinky friends. We explore together at home. I have a toybox, am learning to make floggers and other toys, and I have a full violet wand kit, yet...

    When it comes to all the kinks that are out there, I am aware of them, have seen some and not others, but personally have very little experience.

    To a vanilla, I am possibly very kinky, with my bondage, leather, pain-bringing toys, exploration in sexual hypnosis, D/s relationship, erotic writings, beatings (given and received), tactile play, etc...

    But to the kink world at large, I know enough to know that I know less than I don't know, and I would never claim false mastery.

    And I don't see being D/s as living out kink everyday. This is my life I am living, not just kink.



    ANYONE may ask me any question and I'll usually answer. I have nothing to hide. If you ask pervy stuff, I'll probably tell you that you're being rude, though. That's none of your business, unless you are in a relationship with me.

    To be clear: Yes, I attempted to be submissive to my last BF. No, it didn't work. I sent him away, because I'd turned the tables, and it was not fair to him. Now, he is happier with his new submissive, soon to be wife.

    Even in my marriage before that, I was unable to keep the inherent bossiness and belief that I should run the world from leaking through. Unfortunately, I was not as wise in how to be a good dominant, or I might have saved it... then again, I might not have. There was a lot wrong, there.

    Anyway, that is a part of my story. Take it for what it's worth, with it's jumble and personal references.

    He texted:

    "…or maybe I am looking all over for you and finally find you just in time for the kiss. A long slow kiss. I taste cock and cum on your lips and tongue. But whose?"

    Mmmm. My creative Pet.

    Happy New Year!

    An intellectual pursuit? What are your thoughts?

    So, a few weeks back, I was doing some research, and I cam across an article that suggested that cuckolding is an intellectual sex fetish, here:

    The Intellectual Sex Fetish

    : It’s S&M for Ph.D.s: Cuckolding, in which men watch their wives have sex with other guys, is catching on among people with high IQs who revel in the psychological agony.

    I not only read it myself, but on a road trip, I discussed it with my Pet.

    Overall, I think it’s a good article, and covers many bases, but I also think that it comes across as a bit narrow-minded and judgy, for example in these quotes (my responses below):

    “The high point of cuckolding is when your wife says she wants the other guy all the time and never wants you.”

    Sometimes, that’s true. But not always. In fact, it’s a smaller subset from the people I know and interact with in person and online.

    Now, for those of you really deep into the chastity lifestyle, this would make sense. For those like me, who prefer orgasm control, rather than denial, it’s entirely inaccurate.

    “Cuckolded men (aka “cucks”) only observe their wives’ infidelities, they don’t participate. And that’s why they find it a turn-on: They’re left out, looking on as the woman they love climaxes with a better man than them.”

    Again, this is sometimes true, but skewed. It’s not all. Many cucks do participate as a submissive to both the wife and the bull. Many have limited options (no penetration, etc), but that’s a far cry from this absolute.

    “But there’s also a somewhat uncomfortable racial angle to cuckolding. Cruise the galleries at cuckolding Web sites and you’ll see the same dynamic again and again: white husband, white wife, African-American other man. ”

    And this… Many cucks do actually have a fetish specifically for interracial cuckoldry (IR), but I’m not quite sure why anyone would find that ‘somewhat uncomfortable.’ If adults want to play with that dynamic, and every gets happy sex time out of it, who is an article writer to judge?

    All-in-all, I think this is a good article in many ways, and does explain a lot of cuckolding to a potential unaware audience.

    I don’t feel it properly give the soft, connected side of cuckolding (the part that a lot of porn misses out on), though. Like this quote:

    “Also, I am a size girl. However, a huge cock is meaningless unless I get my brain stimulated. Don’t get me wrong, I love being pounded senseless with a huge black cock in my cervix. However my white lover is able to get into my head during sex and he takes me into a place no black lover has yet been able to do. That’s the magic combination I am seeking.”

    The bold italics are mine.

    This, I think, touches more on the intimacy of the cuckold relationship, which is where I am primarily writing from for Cuck You.

    So, for those who are interested in cuckolding stories, don’t forget to get signed up

    for the special notice of Cuck You when it’s available, and a free sample story.

    And, I’d love to hear from those of you interested in cuckoldry. What are your thoughts on this article? Do you have any favorite articles about cuckolding that you would like to share, or favorite sites/tumblrs?

    Just message me. I’d love to hear from you.

    Happy New Year’s Eve Eve!

    We stand together, holding hands, looking at the adult playground laid before us. “Which ride is next?” I ask.
    A Christmas Gift

    For Christmas I got this photo (and others) via text while I was visiting family. Here is the text conversation that goes with it.

    Me: My sweet little white boy penis.
    Him: Yes, My Queen. Yours.
    Me: *smiles*
    Him: The reason you need BBC.
    Me: Don’t flatter yourself, cuck boy. I need BBC because that is my right. You have nothing to do with it.
    Him: Yes, MQ.
    Me: Good cuck.

    The ‘We Are Special Because We Are D/s’ Bullshit

    I read a writing today.

    It’s good to see someone talking over the pain a breakup can be. Especially a man, who seem to weigh in too rarely.

    It’s not good to see it based on this concept:

    Anyone in a long term, committed D/s relationship can attest to the fact that the level of intimacy, trust and communication is unparalleled and can not be duplicated in a vanilla relationship.


    WHY do we have to try to elevate ourselves above other groups so much? Where is this myth coming from?

    Confirmation Bias, It’s A Thing

    Just to be clear what I’m talking about here:

    Confirmation bias (also called confirmatory bias or myside bias) is a tendency for people to favor information that confirms their preconceptions or hypotheses regardless of whether the information is true.

    Let me explain a bit… (italics in this section are there for a reason)

    So many people come into this lifestyle (We’ll talk about D/s, but know that I mean any lifestyle in the alternative sexual realm, including kink, swinging, cuckolding, BDSM, gay, lesbian…) after a lifetime (however long THAT is) of looking for MORE out of life.

    Most come in with several failed relationships tucked into their catalog of experiences.

    Many come with some idea that THIS may be the THING. Maybe they watched porn, or had dreams of tying people up, or are just naturally bossy. Who knows? Doesn’t matter.

    They come, and they see all this companionship and acceptance and traditions and people bowing and kneeling, and think, “A HA! This is awesome. THIS is what I’ve been looking for.”

    And so, they throw themselves into it. They join discussion groups, they meet like-minded people who share their views. They are accepted for who they are. They have deep discussions. They participate in activities that bond them with their communities and other individuals.

    They have found their place. They have NEVER felt so much themselves, before, ever.

    Their next relationship is AMAZING. It’s full of new discoveries, intimacy, and openness and honesty they have never experienced before.

    And they KNOW it’s because THIS WORLD, this one they are a part of is just inherently better, because it stresses truth as part of the culture. It stresses soul and trust, and communication as part of it’s relationship strictures. It stresses leadership and roles.

    Ok, aside from the specific sections up there that I italicised, this experience is NO DIFFERENT than those who are born again.

    That is confirmation bias.

    You are searching. You want something. You find something, and think, “YES!” and your mind goes about proving it to be true to you.

    And that’s cool! It really is. And it’s probably true. FOR YOU.

    After all, this relationship you’re in now, is always more likely to be better than the ones before. Because you have experience. And because you are in it now. Very few people go into their next serious relationship thinking, “Oh well, I guess I’ll just take something less than what I had before, since that worked out so poorly…”

    And frankly, I’m happy for those who find religion, and make it work for them, too.

    However, I am not so happy with those who feel they are somehow the only ones with the knowledge of what’s best, because they finally found something they can believe in, and fit themselves into.

    That’s just wrong.

    But… The TRUST!

    Aside from the acknowledged power exchange, a vanilla relationship and a D/s relationship by definition do not have other differences.

    Same with a swingers relationship, minus swinging.

    Same with a kinky sex relationship minus the kinky sex.

    Same as a marriage with children minus the children.

    Yes, relationships can be built without 100% trust in the vanilla world. They can in D/s as well. They are. ALL THE TIME.


    There is no such thing as 200%, 110%, or even 100.000001%. There is just 100%. All the trust you have. All there is.

    Imagine that that last 1% of trust is that of Abraham to God when commanded to kill Isaac.

    Do you have THAT trust in your partner? The trust that would allow you to follow that command, knowing that their is greater good for you in it?

    Only you can answer that. I do NOT have that kind of trust in my relationships, D/s or no. I will not kill on faith for the man I love most in the world. I don’t think he’s going to hold that against me, or suggest that I am ‘less true’ in my love for him.

    I Call Bullshit

    I’m leery of those who suggest that “vanilla” folks cannot trust as much as D/s people. Or that those relationships do not lend themselves to trust.

    I do believe that coming into the world of D/s, most people are exposed, for the first time, to a lot of writing and discussion about what makes relationships work.

    And many put it into practice for the first time.

    However, I know that YOU know, personally, plenty of relationships in D/s that do not communicate much. Some less than the vanilla people you know.

    I’m even willing to go so far as to say that D/s communities STRESS trust and communication and such more than vanilla communities. There might even be more of it in D/s relationships, because of making it a priority.

    But we are NOT the only one. I promise you that.

    And to suggest that we are, and that you are, because you are part of this group is the height of arrogance.

    Furthermore, to suggest that you actually know what goes on in other people’s relationships that you have no part in (regardless of what they tell you), and then to compare yours to theirs to make yours look better is just masturbatory self-congratulations.

    Do What Works

    This is one of my mottos. And I’m stating for the record:

    If your D/s relationships are the most intimate and trusting, and {insert whatever positive thing here}, ever FOR YOU, then shout that to the world.

    I’m happy for you.

    Just don’t use that as a judgment call against the sum totality of all other relationships. Life and logic don’t work that way.

    Just a Sunday morning giggle.

    Don't be this guy!

    Poly Relationships: "Most of the poly relationships I know fail."

    So, I'm doing some professional-level procrastinating right now, and I got to thinking about something, so I popped over here to write a short piece quickly. Because, you know, I have work to do...

    Anyway, my point is simple. I hear this a lot (or something like it):

    "Most of the poly relationships I know fail."

    My response:

    Most of the RELATIONSHIPS you know fail. I mean, really. How many of those monogamous relationships you and your friends have had have really lasted a lifetime?

    Yeah. It's called dating because not every relationship will last a lifetime.

    And they are not all meant to.

    Even marriages in the monogamous world don't last forever. 53% of marriages end in divorce. (1) If you look at relationships in totality, the average number of years a relationship will last is 2.14/2.05 (male/female), though relationship length ranged from 1 to 108 months (9 years). (2)

    So, there you have it. Numbers n'shit.



    “My sweet little’s slut’s pussy seems very needy today. I like how pink and pretty it is waxed like this. Thank you for such a lovely present,” Raymond says to you.

    “My pleasure, Sir,” you answer.

    With that, he slips a large finger past my silk panties, and grazes it along my wet lips. He touches my clit lightly, eliciting a moan of ecstasy and agony. I want his hard cock so fucking badly right now. I grind my hips upward towards him, “Oh please, fuck me now, Raymond.”

    “Are you sure,” he asks, slipping one finger, then another into my moistness.

    “Oh yes. God yes. Please. Please fuck me now with your gorgeous black cock,” I beg.

    He withdraws his hand and unbind my legs. He raises my ass with one hand to remove my panties, slick with my juices. “Ummm, I think someone wants my cock.”

    He pulls away from me for a moment, and I’m confused. I hear him walk away, then he says, “How does that smell, cuck? That’s your woman wanting me.”

    “It smells delicious, Sir,” you answer.

    “Yes, it does. The smell of a real woman wanting a real man. Lick it clean.”

    This is an excerpt of 'The Holiday' from Cuck Me: a collection of sexy hot wife and cuckolding stories. Get your full free story here:

    All Of That

    I love when you take over, calmly, and I feel your power.

    I love when you rage over me like a starving beast, looking for sustenance.

    I love when you crawl up my body tenderly, with love and affection.

    I love when you kneel before me, completely complaint with my needs.

    I love when you crave your sluttiness, need so badly you almost scream for it, almost demand it from me.

    I love all of that.

    Because I love all of you.

    com·mu·ni·ca·tion: An Improved Definition (Thoughts On Communication, Part I)

    The dictionary defines communication thusly:

    the act or process of transmitting information (as about ideas, attitudes, emotions, or objective behavior)

    Which, of course it is.

    And to clarify further, let’s