NoEasyGrl

It is so hard for me to write this because I know how quickly it disqualifies me as even a true friend. So many will "befriend me", but in charity and they do not allow me to be complete and to give in return at the level I can. If I can not convince someone that these conditions are not WHO I am but WHAT I live, it would be a miracle. I seek that connection, first and above any other. All kink aside, what difference does it make if we do not have people with whom we can speak our truth, live out truth in each moment.

I have multiple chronic illness from asthma to Grave's Disease. And due to 20 years of violent horror movie type abuse as a child and young adult with violation and about 2 years captivity I have severe PTSD with all the mental health problems that go with that. Now after years of pushing it back and trying to succeed in this hectinc life, if I am pushed too far and triggered, I suffer some psychosis with the PTSD. Unfortuantely, anyone who reaches that phase is also high risk for bipolar and that is also on my plate now, though mild in comparison to what many suffer. There is no amount of affirmations, bromides, platitudes, or guided meditations to cure psychosis. It is damage, and like healed skin is never skin again, but instead a scar, so is the mind-especially the developing mind.

I did an amazing job of out running it, or keeping up anyway, for 25 years. I completed my Masters in Nursing, I had a good career. It is the reason I can survive on my SSDI. It took them only 4 months to approve me. I wonder if that is a record? I was approved before I was eligible to receive payments because of the 6 month waiting period. My right side is weaker than my left and so I fall once in awhile and if I'm catching something I get very weak and might just have to use my chair. Usually the chair is only for when Vertigo has taken over my life. The vertigo, weakness, and some occasional skin problems all started when I came back from Nepal in 2005 and was later diagnosed with Behcet's, though it is not a good fit really. I also have some arthritis but nothing as painful as osteoarthritis.

So, I don't look anymore. I am here, but I don't open messages on baited breath hoping the next person will be my happily ever after. I've seen the "look" in too many people's eyes. My own mother wants me to be well before she visits me, I haven't seen her in 4 years and she lives 3 hours away. I don't expect miracles. One person wrote that I wanted to cuckhold a Dom because I have triggers with my PTSD and can not have punitive discipline or humiliation. In a dream world I would have some form of kink relationship and we would understand that we are equal in significance. I could offer the kind of caring that I am skilled at, and that doesn't include cooking (ha ha ha), and I would have a wing to climb beneath when the world is pressing in on me, stealing my reason.

I have studied and practiced Buddhism for many years now and find much peace in the philosophies and teachings of the Buddha, although I understand it as non-theist and remain possibly the most liberal Christian you'll trip across. This too, as much or more than disability freaks a kinster out in a serious way. By favorite teacher and book of the Buddha's teachings is by Thich Naht Hanh, The Heart of the Buddha's Teachings. I mention this becuase it is not enough to just write that I have these stupid damn conditions. I am more than that. I am at a place in my life where I find the Four Noble Truths to be the most practical and helpful tool for the relief of suffering for myself and others. I attempt to live by the 8 rights, but am not as successful as I once was. My mind is sometimes not my own and I greatly resent that. I long for a true mental formations of saftey and belonging. It is like grasping for a whisp of smoke, these are the unicorns of life. And if you have studies or live any of what I affectionately call the math of Buddhism, then you recognize how absurd it is for me to talk about the relief of suffering and grasping for anything in the same paragraph. What can I say, I'm a sucker for irony.

Like so many others, I've had my heart broken. But indeed it taught me valuable lessons about self awareness, listening more closely to that inner voice and SLOWING THE FUCK DOWN. I am not going to be infatuated and ask about a U-Haul. I would say timid, but there is so much strength in it that it seems the wrong word. I am joyous, cautious, and sensible. I must still harbor hope, because I am here. My life has given me a unique opportunity to know that people are much more than labels and titles. Now, to be given a chance to love and be loved. To explore artistic rope and needle play, bottom to bruising impact play, role play and laugh at silly jokes, sit in rapture as I listen to someone discuss a topic that reaches the far edges of my understanding, challenging me. ..... Ah, what beauty lies in there.