Recently posted on FL, figured I'd put it here, too.
Asexuality and Me
Welcome, intrepid reader, to the beginnings of my understanding. I decided to put this down in bytes and pixels to help flesh out my personal understanding of my own sexual orientation. Please understand that I do not intend to describe anyone but myself, and that my own personal understanding is still a bit muddled, as this is a subject I have wrestled with for a long time, and am just beginning to give the attention it deserves. As such, the content here may be revised or updated over time.
First and foremost, a definition, taken from http://www.asexuality.org/wiki/index.?title=Asexuality. “An asexual is someone who does not experience sexual attraction. Unlike celibacy, which people choose, asexuality is an intrinsic part of who we are.” On a personal note - it is not my intention to lessen or deride celibacy, simply to draw a distinction between the two, thus the inclusion. It is not my intention to lessen or deride sexual attraction, and those that feel that drive or desire, either.
This definition is admittedly rather rigid, but at it’s core, does in many ways describe my orientation. As many kinksters do, I take a bit of a broader view on the definition of sexuality. For the purposes of clarity, please read ‘sexual attraction’ as ‘a feeling that people get that causes them to desire sexual contact with another person.’ That’s a whole lot of words that, for me, basically boil down to a simple notion:
I am not into “having sex.” Anal, vaginal, oral, armpit, mutual masturbation, you name it, if it’s with someone else, it’s not really my thing. I don’t seek it out, it’s not a part of what makes me tick. Cuddling and petting tend to fall into this category for me as well, though there’s a little more “flexibility” there for me, particularly with romantic partners or people I have a strong connection with. Which brings me to…
Romantic Attraction Vs. Sexual Attraction
I am poly and am involved in a few romantic relationships. I am romantically attracted to these individuals, and my “romantic orientation” is best described as heteroflexible. I love these people dearly and I want to share and spend my life with them. These are definitively sexual people and it pains me that I have gotten into relationships with them without being able to “hold up my end.” Not surprisingly, none of them were all that surprised to hear of my recent introspective revelation. They have been very supportive and understanding and for that I am eternally grateful.
Wait.. Kinky and Asexual?!
Why, yes. As many kinksters will relate to, I feel there’s much more to kink than sex. Judging by attendance on the ‘Asexual & Kinky’ group, I’m not exactly alone in this position.
Arousal?
Yes, I experience arousal. Frankly, I rather enjoy it. Orgasms, too, in case you were wondering. There are plenty of things outside of sex that push my buttons, so to speak. I just, well, would rather deal with the results of that button pushing on my own, thanks. I’m familiar with the terms ‘autosexual’ and ‘autoerotic’ and don’t find them comfortable or fitting at this time.
Aesthetic Attraction Vs. Sexual Attraction
There is much that I find aesthetically attractive, beautiful, easy on the eyes, and as such wish to draw a closer personal connection to. Much of this, in regards to people specifically, revolves around the feminine, though that’s not exactly exclusive. I often find people in lingerie aesthetically attractive, though there’s something conceptually deeper there as well, and I may cover that elsewhere. None the less, I’m no more inclined to have sex with a beautiful person in lingerie than I am to have sex with Van Gogh’s A Starry Night.
And here is where I leave you, intrepid reader, for now. As I understand this is the beginning of my journey in understanding in this regard, I have a request for you. If you are so inclined, question me, push me. Be it publicly in comments, privately by message, or in person. I am not ashamed. As my understanding changes, I will make efforts to update. If I have helped inspire you on your own journey, feel free to let me know that as well. If I have offended you with language used, that was not my intent, let me know and I’ll see what I can do to soften where appropriate.
Additional resources for the curious:
http://www.asexuality.org/wiki/index.?title=Main_Page
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asexuality
http://www.asexualityarchive.com/glossary/
