Let me preface my remarks by assuring you that I'm into kink as much as anyone here.

If you read my profile it you will see that I'm looking for a monogamous long term relationship, as are most women here, I suspect. But I see a lot of guys making the same mistake. So allow me to make a few comments that might help you (guys) to actually get what you want.

It's an age old conflict, and exaggerated in the D/s environment. Men are direct, and they don't want to play games. The problem with taking this approach is that it conflicts with the needs of a woman.  I know that although most Doms are honorable and respect limits, there are some sick ones out there. We women have to be careful, and that's pretty hard considering the pressure you put on us. We submissives like to please, hate to say no, and you certainly push us. What this leads to is defensiveness, as well as a whole lot of anxiety on the part of a woman.

In my opinion, a real Dominant should always be a step ahead of the woman, always in control. And the best way he can demonstrate this is to show some restraint. That means taking things slow and showing a level of taste. That means NOT being demanding, or starting the sexual chat right away. It's about finding a connection in a non-threatening manor. Leave her interested. And then back off. Keep it friendly, and then slowly let the discussion move in a new direction.

A friend reminded me that no good comes out of hooking up on a first date. I thought about that and realized he was absolutely right. I looked back at my own history and it proved to be correct. I rarely got past a first date if we hooked up right away. It seems that one of us lost interest right away. The best thing that a guy can do, IMO, is to leave the woman wanting, if not horny, and then if the karma is right ... saying, "As much as I would like to ... I think it's a bad idea. These first date hookups never works out, and I'm not looking for a one-night thing." Believe me, your favorability rating will have just skyrocketed. She has learned that she can trust you and that you are looking out for her best interest.

Unless you want quick hookups, your best strategy is to some patience. You will be rewarded in the long run.

I'm looking for someone who will extend both arms and tussle his dogs ears as a greeting, even when the fur is wet and stinky. Someone who won't provide their rationale for being a carnivore to my vegetarian daughter, but instead asks if she'd like tomatoes and shrooms in her omelet. Someone who, when he sees a car unsuccessfully trying to merge in his lane, will ease up to let them in. Someone who holds doors open, not just for pretty young girl, but anyone that might need some assistance. And sometime he'll open a door for a stranger ... just because. Someone who, on a Saturday morning, lingers in bed because he believes that canoodling is a fine art. Someone who cherishes the warm breeze from an open window, as well as the sound of rain ... be it the lightest drizzle, a gully-washer, or the fiercest of thunderstorms. Someone who is prone to taunt me, "I dare you" with a mischievous glint in his eyes. He should understand that teasing is a fine art, should be delivered gently, and should work two ways. He should act humble when he beats me as Scrabble, and be just as gracious when trounced by me. Someone who may occasionally have a drink, but knows his limits and the understands the importance of maintaining balance. Yet he should laugh heartily at cartoons, and should value the comics as much as the editorial page. He should be willing to share his opinion about what's going on in the world, and yet won't feel challenged when my thoughts differ than his own.



And yet, this model citizen and everyday decent guy will also call me at work and, in a low voice, discuss in detail all those kinky things he'd like to do when we will be alone that night. And when he sees me in lingerie, he'll raise one eyebrow slowly in appreciation, anticipating the moans and laughter that will soon follow. He should keep handcuffs and restraints nearby, and be prepared to use all those words that most people would consider too polite to utter ... like "whore" ... like "cunt" and "cumslut." He should pull me by my hair, instruct me to bend over, caress my wetness, and let me wonder if he'll spank me or pound me mercilessly from behind. He'll understand spankings are supposed to sting and leave a red mark, but also understand the difference between spankings and beatings. He should be trustworthy and respect safe words. I'll never know what to expect, as he may grope me in a car, in semi-public places, or any room in the house ... and he'll try new things, and in different sequences.

And when play is over, we'll lay side by side. He should appreciate the faintest touch of my fingers as they trace his body affectionately. He'll draw me close in, kiss me on the forehead, and we'll fall asleep in each other's arms.