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nothing like i expected. laid back and friendly. appreciated cookies. met several new potential players. movie was so-so. laughter... casual conversation with a kink edge to it. no stressing about whether i needed to even worry about playing. talked briefly about tomorrow night. we'll see what happens.
it's late, i will sleep with a smile on my face. tomorrow i will meet a friend to shop. (big woop) |
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i'm getting out more and trying to meet ppl. tonight is movie night and should be good. the movie preview sounds wickedly interesting and the company is sure to be good. i'd love to play a little but am not sure if i will last that long. anxiety makes me restless and it's difficult to hang out and visit. i want to play but at the same time i can be afraid to speak up, and then i feel awkward. so much self criticism--i need to be as accepting of myself as i am with my friends...
i don't expect any play; but will be open to it if the opportunity comes up. who am i kidding? not myself, i need to take a deep breath and see how the evening goes. and relax
whew, that was a mind fuck! what a weird trip. sometimes i just need to turn it all off and close my eyes. :) |
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it's been forever since i have taken the time to catch my future self up with what has been going on. i went to a spanko party and actually even more importantly, i went alone. i had a nice spanking as MsL demonstrated the practice on my hind side. it was a deliciously painful time! in fact it's been so long...i think there have been two spanko parties. one i observed only, and the other i played. it's been suggested that i get out more and show up at munches and the Mark. i'm getting my gumption up, to go again. in fact, i'm pretty sure that the next munch is this Sunday.
i also went on a vacation to washington dc and points in between. wonderful weather, nice drive, hotels very nice (especially since they were ordered online). the tours around the capital, especially the evening tour were marvelous. plenty of time to get out and explore around the monuments. next trip will be to the beach...which beach is the question :)
i'm keeping my hopes up for future play sessions. i'm determined to get out more. i can make all kinds of excuses..but they are weak and sometimes even pathetic. so i am going to buck up and get a move on... |
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she doubled over as if pierced with a knife. the agony took her breathe away and a sharp intake of air was taken. the impact buckled her knees as the shock hit home and a cry slipped out. unlike the physical pain of submission, this was a different type of pain and one that was harder to see. it hurt. and the fact that it wasn't recognized means it was meant to bear alone...
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how ironic that my last entry rings so close to the truth. shortly after writing that entry i was invited to attend a party at that very place i fantasized about. or maybe it was after being invited but before going...i can't remember. irregardless, the entry came before the party. the converted dungeon was a work in progress. a large area at the bottom of the stairs was divided in two by three large comfy sofas...there was a giant tv screen mounted on the wall by the sofas. the other side of the room is where the cross and the spanking bench is located. in the back is a room with a giant bed in it and is lit by black lights. i got to play on both the cross and the spanking bench! there was a certain release to lie on that bench it was easier to do it when she whipped me than when she scratched my backside...the sensation was intense and i almost came up off of the bench. besides that time my favorite part of the night was being able to serve Ma'am. she allowed me to massage her feet. she trusted me with her sore heel. all i really needed was some good cream to soften her skin.
we headed for home late that night...there was a long ride home but it was filled with memories of the evening and all the fun and excitement that went on.
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her skin quivers and her heart beats faster as she enters the room. looking cautiously around the room everything is in shadows. lit only by black lights and candles, the equipment takes on a severe look. a cross in the corner waiting for the right submissive to be tied and blindfolded as the flogger hits the waiting flesh. as the play begins, soon stripes begin to show...difficult to discern in the low light, there is only a slight difference in the color of the skin. moving over toward the middle of the room is the spanking bench. strapped down and stripped she lays helpless as the Top begins her warm up... there is, in theory a safe word, and it is faithfully respected if it is ever used. the suspended table is positioned by the far wall and it awaits further play...
...legs quivering, she is helped down from the spanking bench and as she is led toward the suspended table, water is offered and a cool cloth is wiping her down. lifting her, as if she were as light as a feather, she is laid prone on the table which was now covered with saran wrap. dripping wax all over her back and bum, she moans softly as it hits her skin. the colors creating a beautiful picture on the canvas of her backside... |
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spring has flown by and tornado weather has been with us the whole time. my new Domme isn't going to work out i'm afraid. She hasn't been able to visit since that first time and is now talking about moving even further away. her bisexuality wasn't supposed to get in the way; but it has. she hasn't been able to drive either. i feel let down and disappointed. i just need a little time to pick myself up and start again. it shouldn't be so hard to find a Mistress who wants a sub to serve her in exchange for some corporal punishment... all good things come to those who wait for them. |
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i'm out of the hospital and declaired TB free--of course the work up was pretty ridiculous. the ppd and chest xray were both negative, but oh no--that was wasn't enough. a week in isolation while they tested all kinds of secretions was required. finally all were assured that i wasn't contaigous and could be discharged.
it's great to be home and building up my energy again. i'm looking forward to meeting with friends soon and getting caught up on all that i've missed. it's helped to email people and chat with others and i appreciate it- you know who you are... |
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happy valentines day to all. we are lucky to have a beautiful day not too cold and partly sunny. as requested by Ma'am, i am w/o underclothes. it's strange sensation and i believe one that is designed to let me know my place.
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today i met a wmman, a lady, who interests me and excites my feelings. we have begun to im with each otherand i am getting to know her and her requirements for me. it only helps me get to know her better.
tomorrow a friend is bringing two rics of seasoned wood to the house and stacking it. this will be be a huge investment. especically when we are looking at two tweeks of temperate weather.
i went back today and tried to edit out the typos...only succeeded in losing a whole paragraph...that'll teach me to try and correct my errors... |
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i hate it when i want to do something and i'm afraid to go out and do it by myself. there's a chili bake off this this weekend and i love to make chili. i just don't want to make it by myself. i feel shy about going by myself. i absolutely hate this about myself. all this self berating isn't getting me anywhere...maybe i'll make a batch and just bring it in myself. it's a pretty intimidating group. actually there are just a couple people who are bigger than life. only time will tell what will happen... |
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it's been a rough few days. feeling sick and all... today was better. i got out for a few hours and that while it wore me out, made me feel good to see friends.
there's been nothing interesting on the bdsm front. the special Lady that i made reference to has been ill and is only now beginning to recover. i guess it's pretty ridiculous to think that a lesbian Domme would express an interest. i don't really think that the submissive should be the initiator, all the time. it's good to show assertiveness and a sense of inititive. i need to remember the importance of these qualities. i suppose i'm just feeling a bit tired tonight but it's good for all those Lesbian Dommes to realize that we submissives are out there just waiting to be invited
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the holidays are over and the new year has begun. in so many ways last year was for the birds....but in other ways i struggled every inch. i've begun corresponding with a very proper Lady. it's been a slow beginning but one that has potential for the future.
my scene action has been null and void. i've begun to see myself as a novice again. it's almost twice as scarey to try and get involved the second time since i know what's ahead and it frightens me. the concept of a Domme who accepts the efforts of a sincere submissive w/o the need for gratuitous punishment....i suppose i read too much gore... i give up before i even get in there and try. now that i have those treatments scheduled for fridays-i've given up on my saturday or even friday nights. it's great to finally have my weeks free to get to all my appts. but to lose my weekend driving makes exploring this side of my lifestyle almost impossible. i'll be lucky to be able to drive sunday afternoons to my "socials" with my friends twice a month.
i need to make an effort to attend the munches when i know my friends will be there. i hesitate because i don't want to sit alone....ridiculous, isn't it? and yet so true... the same goes for the dungeon-i want to go and play but am afraid to ask for fear of 1) asking the wrong Domme (if you know what i mean) 2) asking the right Domme and then getting too attached when it's only a one night session for Her, or 3) simply getting in over my head or out of control. i worry about getting hurt. I know that the DM's are there to oversee the play but how are they really going to know...my faith in other's needs a boost.
for one who has been silent for so long, tonight's i've opened a whole can of peaches... >:D<
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i can't seem to adjust my fonts or color background; it's very frustrating. i have been having a fastinating conversation with a wonderful woman. i don't think it's appropriate to go into any specific detail as it is a private relationship.
it's been so long since i've played that it'll be like starting over when i finally do get the chance. i feel very nervous and inadequate. i can't imagine what Domme would want me RT...a lesbian Domme looking for a service oriented submissive HA.
Halloween has been uneventful for me-just as i like it. my roommate and i went out to eat and came home to wind down. now that november is here the holidays will arrive before i know it--i need to get on the ball. |
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nothing like a new hair do to brighten up my day. it sure beats getting the oil changed on my car. D/s hasn't been much fun lately...a submissive needs a Domme to submit to.
on a lighter note--company is coming and we're going out for the evening. it should be a nice change.
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it's been a busy summer--lots of family and personal issues to take care of. activities are finally back to normal (whatever that means!) i've come to realize my true friends, those who accept and care about me anyway.
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happy belated 4th of July to one and all. life is slowly getting better...my shoulder is healing and my ankle is fine with the brace on.
i went to an excellent holiday party bdsm style. it lasted all weekend and the play that i witnesses-was fun and made me wish i could play too. lots of visiting and eating.
sometimes i believe that a lesbian Domme doesn't exist for me. i should get out more but it's been a hard summer and paying 15.00 just to watch all the time gets expensive. if any lesbian Domme's read this, i would be honored to receive a note from You.
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fractured left shoulder and broke one of my ankle bones.;it took over two days to get medical attention, that's the embarrissing part. i should have known much sooner. for those who are interested, they are both healing well, next follow-up is in three weeks.
kink wise, life pretty much sucks. it's just not much fun to enjoy pain when when i'm already hurting, and not in a good way. a nice otk spanking would be nice except my ankle throbs and there are shooting pains coming from my shoulder. total bummer.
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i am astonished and embarrissed at my last entry. it was unreadable. i have managed to fracture my humerus (shoulder) and break a bone in my ankle. typing is not easy right now but i am doing my best to keep up with any correspondence.
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should i or shouldn't petition a Domme that i'd like wan that i need t ooutt to serve. i don't want to be rude, push her intit's tookt want to offend. i also feek though....typos and all, ikn hou go
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it's curious who is trolling on cm late at night. i'm not even sure that, that is the right word. but it's late and i am tired. i'll be signing off soon and getting some much needed sleep. in the meantime, i don't suppose that the Domme of my dreams is up and eager to make new friends?! on that thought i am headed on up to bed to fantasize about that very special woman.
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some nights, my computer desides what i should be sharing and what needs to remain private. tonight it took a long non kink thought out of my screen. my ignorance with computers is no doubt the source of this problem. but on the other hand, perhaps those thoughts were ment to remain private. voices, suicidal obcessions, despair and a cry for help, all real and yet still overcome able with belief in my own will to survive.
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nothing ticks me off than to lose my entry...
i was clamped by my cuffs to the spanking bench and had my blindfolds on. round one was over and i was catching my breathe. my ass was bright red, no doubt, i could only feel the heat rising up off of it. just as my muscles began to relax, i heard a sharp snap and then felt a sharp pain across my cheeks. tears sprang to my eyes as i cried out in surprise and pain. it was the first time i had ever felt a cane on my butt. suddnely a second and third snap hit my behind. crying openly now, i was trembling and shaking. i'd reached my limit and lay limply on the bench breathing hard and praying for relief. of course, as usual my Domme knew when i had reached my limit and even as she gently scratched my ass, she asked gently...had enough, yet? i could only nod my head in agreement. she left my blindfold in place as she undid the cuffs and wrapped a soft blanket around me and guided me off the spanking bench. once i was sitting at her feet with my head on her lap. she gently removed my tear stained blindfold. unable to stand the pressure on my bum, i wriggled around to take the pressure off it. rubbing softly, i could feel the welts rising. when she decided i was ready, she took me over her knee and began to rub my ass with soft shea butter. she cleaned off the spots of blood that that formed from the paddle. quietly i laid my head on her lap and suddered occasionally. slowly i sipped the ice water that she offered to me. i felt intensely relaxed and while sore as can be, i felt better. i needed the release that came with those tears. i know that i would wear the marks for days to come and i would feel the welts as i rubbed my tush.
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what a week it's been....i think things have finally begun to come together. i am planning to attend to a Fem/Dom party this friday night. as a newbie when it comes to public play, i am both nervous and excited. the idea of being spanked wearing only a thong makes me blush and turned on.
i haven't been able to find anyone to hook up with ahead of time. i'm not thrilled about just showing up and not having plans made. a friend was encouraging and mentioned that there were a few sub's who were trying their hands at Topping. spanking is a good safe way to start out, she said. i'm keeping my fingers crossed. :-)
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are You listening? ...just curious.
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just checking to see if you are reading my silly entries. they aren't really siily but thoughts from my heart and soul. jounalling like this helps satisfy the voyeur (serious mispelling)in me. in real life i am rather shy. i will do just about anything to please my Domme. i don't respond well to humiliation- it affects and undermines my sense of self. otherswise, this service oriented submissive is ready to what it take to please and satisfy my Domme.
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well, the entire dillema was mute. i wasn't able to attend the sat night party. regretful as this is; there will be other nights and they may bring out the special one for me.
just a reminder: looking for friends first but ultiimately a special Domme to serve. i am not a pain slut, but do enjoy a good spanking. i am primarily interested in the power exchange between a Dominant and her submissive. i am seeking someone who lives within a reasonable distance.
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i've been in a great or at least good mood for several days now. this is great for me. i usually spend more time having the blues than being happy. i'm trying to take advantage of my good spirits to get stuff done that i have been putting off. all kinds off tasks and errands have been done. i ordered some new glasses which i am very excited about.
this weekend is another party at the local dungeon. it is ironic that many ppl will be there, considering it is the weekend of the fantastic frolicon in atlanta.
i haven't been brave enough to set up plans for a spanking this weekend. there will be many ppl there that i know and i must have the nerve to ask to be spanked. i worry that after i ask; i won't be able to take it. it's quite a dillema.
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ECT is a controversial topic and a form of therapy that can work for some and devistate others. monday i will disccuss the issue among other things that i believe are necessary for my mental health.
why write about such a bummer topic? well, to me, mental health and a postive attitude are critical for pleasure and a good exchange between a top and her bottom. (or preferably between a Domme and her submissive).
to follow up on my last entry: the marks have faded but i enjoyed them immensely while they were present. i hope to work up my courage to wearing a thong wihle being spanked next time. (this is a direct hint for a certain Domme who shall remain nameless out of respect for her privacy.) my degreee of hopfulness is very high that w might play again... :-)
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wow! i had a great night last night. i used a spanking bench. my first spanker was my friend MsL. she was gentle with intermettent stinging spanks. the came Ms X. she is an expert at spanking. she used her hands, a paddle (which she broke on my ass) lol, and a leather spaddle with metal gromments (i think). i tolerated 8+out of 10. the few 9's were a bit , actually quite a bit ..more than i was able to handle. she also pulled my hair which gave me sone thing to concentrate on besides the spanking. her aftercare was wonderful and very consienoucei also was spanked by a man....he used a paddle and was both gentle and firm, by then i was shakey and ready o stop. i kept my jeans on for my first experience, but still have some red marks on my tush.
it was a great esoerience and quite enjoyab
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tommorrow is a new stage in my bdsm life. keep your fingers crossed that i am not nervous (or at least don't show it). either way, it will be an exciting adventure.
xoxo to all my friends
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playing with the options for writing is a fun way to communicate.
it's been an average day. but if i hear one more commercial for seroquelXR, i may scream. drugs drugs drugs--md's favorite answer for problems. i'm finding that talk therapy is helpful and cathartic in some ways.
i haven't had the courage to share about my interest in the bdsm lifestyle. i'm afraid that she'll think it's some kind of self punishment and personal putdown. i'm comfortable with acknowledging my submission to the right people. it feels so natural and i thrive when allowed to serve.
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big decisions require bold print. time will tell if i am brave enough to follow through. wanting more than friendship but needing giudance.
this lifestyle if full of excitement. danger also lurkes around many corners. we've all seen csi where the person is found tied to the bed left for strangers to find.
time will tell where all this will lead...
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omg, i had the most fantastic time last night. my friend J. had a corsage for me and took me out to eat at a very fancy restaurant. we had the most wonderful time. she also invited me to our local dungeon; i copped out though. in fact when it came time for my spanking; i could barely take it. i'm not sure what's wrong, but i have to admit that i was discouraged. i had to cry yellow almost immediately and there was hardly any redness after she finished...or rather when i gave in.
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coming down from a manic spell...this one hasn't been too bad. no voices--but they usually come when i come down... i've enjoyed spending time with friends and still the anticipation for saturday is building. i got a couple tops to go with my dress jacket. the big questions, of course have to do with stockings and a thong vs panties.
i've hinted a little trying to get some clues, but no luck. ( :-) )
i've been corresponding with a new Friend. she is very interesting and seems to have a fastinating life. who knows, we might even meet for coffee someday...if she wishes it, of course.
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just a quickie note to say that i am super excited about this coming saturday night. i am to dress formally. i am going to go over to my Ma'am and play partner's house. it's sure to be an interesting night.
i went to a mtg for people with a bi-polar condition tonight. i belong and am going to see if it can help. keep your fingers crossed. tonight's meeting was quite dramatic.
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a day in the 50's, at last a sign of spring in the south. but i am not fooled-winter is not over.
i had a very late night last night. i wasn't able to access cm from yahoo on the internet explorer browser (!?!?!)
i'm ready for a thorough spanking...i need blindfolds, cuffs and if Ma'am choses some sensual music.
every sub should show respoect and attention to their Ma'am, or Mistress. if they don't they are not worthy of their time, i long to give myself to the right Ma'am, one who loves me as i am and accepts me. you know who you are, my friend.
xoxox
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i feel the love that reassurance brings. lately i've been uncertain and nervous about myself. i i want to be able to crave being able to give of myself--besides the satisfaction, i feel fulfilled. i don't know what i'd do without my friends. you know who you are and how important you are to me.
51 spanks are coming....excitement and anticipation; i feel. there is fear that i may not be able to satisfy and take it like i want to. anxiety is getting in the way of simple emotions of hope and love. the welts and bruises that i feel and see are signs of my willingness.
rambling thoughts are signs of a mind that is iverwhelmed. being mindful and staying in the present are my goals. |
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i feel the love that reassurance brings. lately i've been uncertain and nervous about myself. i i want to be able to crave being able to give of myself--besides the satisfaction, i feel fulfilled. i don't know what i'd do without my friends. you know who you are and how important you are to me.
51 spanks are coming....excitement and anticipation; i feel. there is fear that i may not be able to satisfy and take it like i want to. anxiety is getting in the way of simple emotions of hope and love. the welts and bruises that i feel and see are signs of my willingness.
rambling thoughts are signs of a mind that is iverwhelmed. being mindful and staying in the present are my goals. |
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it's late and i fear the thoughts that seem to be calling me loudly tonight. i've watched too much tv as distraction and am worn out. i will think of new friends and maybe a dream will allow me to sleep.
such discouragement after a nice afternoon...thoughts of new friends and maybe they will let me drift off... |
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it's the end of my 51st bday. we got several inches of snow and in Nashville this is paralyzing for the city. luckily i was able to get out with my roomate and indulged in a pedicure, a used bookstore and a delicious supper. i am still feeling the marks from my last spanking. my memories are good and i am glad that Ma'am cares so much for me. we have yet to have my 51 spanks--those scare me a bit. just knowing the number, i don't know... but scared or not i anticipate them eagerly. :-) |
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tonight was a friends bday at the local dungeon. i wanted to go but was afraid of going alone. unfortunately that is often my excuse. it's very co-dependant of me to want to have someone go and 'hold my hand'. i was curious to see how the spanking line would be. would her Master choose the spankers or would they simply line up? my bday is next weekend and while i have no worries of being spanked at the local dungeon; i am curious as to how it works. i have no doubt that Ma'am will see to it that i get the swats. my tush still trembles in memory of last years spanking!
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i'm back at work. it's a challenge to get my work done in only 20 hours. i have to be really organized. i have also decided that i need to budget my money. my income is much lower right now and i only have so much maney coming in. Carole King and James Taylor are coming to perform at the Sommetin May...(dreams of going .....) boy oh boy--that budget went out the window pretty fast. |
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a few nights ago, i had a wonderful experience. i was invited over to a friends house. traffic was heavy and it took longer than i planned. on her bed, Ma'am layed....provocatively on she began on her side, with her head raised up. quickly i undressed, and presented myself to her. i was first swatted quite severly for being late. for the next 40 minutes, i had one of the most exciting sessions of my life. she was firm, and deliberate. using all the toys, i'd gotten out, she spanked me firmly and continuously. she was more punishing than she'd ever been. i was surprised at the level of pain and was embarrissed to call yellow several times. i tried to take it to show my appreciation, but i failed. she focused on one spot intensly before moving on; i think this is why it hurt so much more. i thought of her each time i sat for several days...the bruises and scrapes are ongoing reminders of our time together.
i don't know what She had intended--i questioned why it turned me on so...all i know, is that i can't wait to try again.
thank you my Ma'am, thank you :) |
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it's been an ok day. i went out with a good friend for supper and to do some shopping. it was good to visit--i'm a little drowsy from all my meds; she understood and accepted my fumbling.
i want to play, yes i do. what does it take to accept and fulfill my selfish desires. they aren't very extreme, but satisfying none the less. of course this kind of thinking is selfish; it ignores my friend's needs and desires.
having a play partner is well and for what it provides, i need to let go of myself and remember her needs.
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Happy New Year to all who read this...
it's been a rough start. i went into the hospital to get my meds adjusted. pychcosis provides an alternative application into my mind. luckily, they have been benign. it has given me a unique perspective.
i went to a new years eve party, a wonderful. time was had by all! i was cuffed and tied to a cross. my beating was on my back...a first for me. i have always been drawn to spankings on my tush. |
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boy oh boy, what a difference a day can make...it's new years eve and i have plans to attend a party, party, party! excitement and nervousness meld together to describe my feelings. 2010 is going to be my year. i'm into the second half of my century of life and i want to live it to the fullest!
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the noise in my head prevents any coherant ideas. my one stable thought is the feelings i get when i am being spanked. when i want to cry out-tears about to roll down my face. everything else slips away and i am confronted with the pleasure/pain that i feel. the pain is cathartic. i'm grateful for my ma'am--the time she takes for me. i try, but can never really repay her for what she has given to me i dedicate this entry to Her. |
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it's the christmas season and i should be full of cheer. i'd say i'm about half full and working on more. gift buying has burnt me out. tis the spirit of the holiday--lol.
this weekend is the annual fund raising at our local dungeon. i'm not sure, but i hope to attend-it'd be good to get out; i'm just not sure whether it's be best way to use my energy. watching is fun but that's about all that i do. oh well, it's still days away, and i will probably change my mind several times. :)
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some nights the noises in my head become deafening. it's hard to unwind and even harder to get to sleep. sometimes i can im until i'm tired--other nights it's just not possible. i'm not sure how to explain what's going on in my head. some people understand better than others. i'd like to tape what i'm hearing then, i wouldn't have to explain. i'll do whatever i have to to stay out of the hospital. it's not as bad as it has been in the past. it's hard to explain, if you haven't been there too.
i can't wait to see what the kids think of their christmas gifts. this time of the year is usually full of so much promise....but this time may be different. it's hard to predict when the noise is around.
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as christmas gets closer and closer; i always worry that i may be forgetting someone important in my life. so, this year i am going to donate $ in their names to a charity that i want to support.
on the other hand, i am going to a dirty santa party on sunday. i am terrifically excited to be included. i've found a couple excellent kinky gifts.
i've made some wonderful new friends in the past few months and have grown closer to others, who i've known for a longer time. it's a good time of year to be grateful for all that i have... i could focus on all the stuff i wish i had; but it always brings me down. i should be grateful that i can get just about anything that i want--for example, i've met some terrific new people who i am very glad to have in my life. i'm in a rambling mood. i need to find somebody to ramble with... |
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just when everything seems to be going well; something else comes along and messes it up. |
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hearing from new women has been an exciting change for me. it isn't often that this occurs, i have some very special friends locally, but the idea of corresponding with new people is intimidating.
keep your fingers crossed that a new friend and i are able to hook up soon.
i haven't mentioned my new play partner. she is a wonderful friend and someone i care deeply for. i feel very loved tonight and it's just what i nneeded. |
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happy halloween to one and all. being stuck at home sucks but it gives me time to rest and catch up on my sleep. i can't believe that i have three more days of quarantine...to all you who are free: have a great night! |
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play parters: definately a term to be defined between two people. how do i go from a D/s relationship to one of friendship and play partners. i'd be intersted in what others think.
btw, my marks are sill a wonderul reminded of the weekend ::)) thank you to my special friend. |
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the H1N1 is a royal bytch. GET THE SHOT!!! i'm waiting to see if i really have to be quarantined for a full seven days.
anyway, i have a playpartner now who is wonderful. she knows me well and is willing to push my limits . i recommend a 1-10 system rather than red. yellow green. it's more speficic.
saturdy night is the halloooween party and i am really hoping that i will be well enought to go. keeps your fingers crossed, PLEASE. |
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i spoke too soon. i have developed the H1N1 virus. it really sucks and they aren't kidding about the sorenss and fever. i encourage all to get their shot.
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 flu season is underway and in healthcare, well--things are hopping! i have to give a plug. the vaccine (shot) is safe and i encourage you to consider taking it. H1N1 is also safer than the 1% risk of having a severe bout of the flu. ok, ok, ok, enough lecture-do as you please; it's your body.
halloween is coming and i am looking forward to attending a party that a couple of friends are sponsoring. costumes are expected and play is anticipated (woo hoo!) |
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today is going to be the first day of my new life. i feel challenged and a bit nervous. but i know that i am up for the task. i was confused and surprised last night; but today feel a new resolve and a determination to control my own future. just call me the flu queen!
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i've had better days. it started out with a cancellation. i had to hang around with the plumber but it was worth it. got several jobs done. my roomate is in the hospital and i can't help but worry about her. i went to see her and see for myself how she is doing. otherewise, tonight is full of workrelated bs. i'm not terribly motivated.
kink wise--my life is very dull. i'd like to say it's temporary; but i've given up control and must wait. i do wish the phone would ring but that's not likely either.
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the annual gala at the mark is next weekend. it's amazing how fast the past year has gone. i think back and realize how much i have learned. i have grown as a woman and as a submissive. i'm less timid and am beginning to engage more with other people. getting aquainted with people outside of playtime has made it easier to talk to them when it is playtime. :) that came out all stiff and scripted sounding...what i mean is i'm finally starting to relax and it feels good.
i'd love to feel the sting of my Ma'am's hand on my backside. the marks: an ongoing reminder of our time together.
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the back to school party was a great success. i was disciplined twice. :D my first time to dabble in public play. Ma'am is so good to me--helping me grow, facing my fears, and beginning to reach out.
reaching out and watching may give me some idea of what to expect from different woman, especially in a public forum. that may become my next step in my development as a submissive
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life is good, especially lately. i can't say that work thrills me; but it gives me the $ to live pretty much as i please. Ma'am and i are doing very well. i've never been more satisfied and happy. She knows me so well. sometimes i'd swear she can read my mind. :)
the back to school party at St. Mark's Academy for wayward youth is this coming weekend. a friend has offered to help me with my costume. i want to look my best as Ma'am's sub at the party.
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it's been way to long since i stopped and wrote a bit. winter passed and spring has just ended. life moves on and before i know it another year will have passed, marking another anniversary of my relationship with my Ma'am.
i play whenever possible, and wish for more. (of course doesn't every sub feel that way? lol)
our local pride festival is this weekend down at riverfront park. i'm looking forward to having a relaxing day and seeing friends. |
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a fire red ass, red welts across my cheeks, and my Ma'am's mark. life is good right now, mainly because i choose to see it that way.
Ma'am has been keeping me in line. we went out to the local dungeon and had a marvelous time. saline injections in the labia caused the bottom to cum like you couldn't believe...there was lots of play, i even considered trying out the spanking bench. there was so much going on, nobody would be paying any attention.
plans are in the works for a short trip...i'm just not sure when yet. ;)
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it's been a while since i've stopped long enough to record some of my adventures lately. the most important thing for me is that Ma'am and i are communicating better than ever. she is the best Domme that a submissive could hope for. we have had some great play sessions lately. i've worn her marks with pride.
we went to the anniversary party for our local dungeon. it was fun to see all the people there. side show benny was his usual crazy self; and this year he had an assistant. she was quite good.
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i completed a survey on bdsm this evening. it was fastinating. how do i define bdsm? what activities have a done in the past year. i'll look forward to seeing the results when it's completed.
there isn't a lot to write about...the dog days of summer sap me of my energy.
activities pick up significantly in september. stay posted...
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life, as the tee shirt says, is good. my Ma'am is conscientous and attentive. i consider myself very fortunate, indeed. i am able to see her just about every week. it's something that i enjoy anticipating.
she recently tried out a new paddle. it had hearts carved in it and left it's own special marks. i absolutely love it when she plays me. i also love the feelings i get when she allows me to help her.
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it's been awhile since i've touched base here. life has been hectic. i've been thinking about how it feels to try and turn submissiveness on and off. it's confusing and frustrating, that much is clear. i wonder if this is an inherent problem for a sub, (as opposed to being a slave). i have periods of time where i can let go of all the worries and focus all my concentration on my Ma'am. but there are many other times when i have to work and interact in the real world and to be submissive then is just not practical. i don't know... the need to serve can be as strong as the need to be played.
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Ma'am asked me if the life we have together is what i expected. i
didn't answer very well. after some thought, i feel as if the life
that Ma'am is making for us is wonderful. (we have been keeping very
busy and i feel like that really contributed to Her getting sick...in
addition to her compromised immune system. ) i enjoy the feelings of
suspense that i get when we go out and she doesn't say where we are
going. i don't mind that She takes charge, i know that i am in the
best of hands. i think it's appropriate to defer to Ma'am when we are
out to eat. i trust Her. there is a feeling of security and love that
i get when i am with Ma'am. i am Hers and She takes very good care of
me.
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it's been a while and i need to catch this journal up a bit...i'm having a wonderful time w/ a very good friend. we play, have fun and enjoy each other's company. i checked the calendar at our local dungeon and we are having a class on erotic hypnotism next year. i can't wait...
i'm leaving on a cruise right after christmas. i'll be in the carribean for a week! warm weather--what am i saying; gorgeous weather! sandy beaches, and beautiful womyn...
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womyn's night was a blast. the drag kings were the cutest young bois...(did i say young!?!)...dancing and gyrating... my night actually began earlier. i had eggs taped inside me and the remote was not under my control! i was allowed to cum when we arrived at our destination. my legs felt like noodles ;) i'm accustomed to spanking play but the introduction of these different ways is exciting and titilating. i can't wait for the next function...
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i didn't realize that i never got back to this after the halloween party. we did get our pics taken. they came out alright too.
last night was singles night at our wonderful local dungeon. it's a fantastic place to come and meet ppl, relax, or play for those who want to. i didn't meet the Domme of my dreams; but i still made several new aquaintances. i saw more play going on at one time than i had seen before. the bondage and suspension is fastinating. it does take patience to wait while the tieing is taking place.
this coming friday is womyn's night and there is a drag king theme. it should be a lot of fun!
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i had a wonderful play session last night. i went to over to my friend's house after work; i wasn't expecting to play, only to catch up and visit. well, She surprised me and we had a fantastic session. i have several welts that resurfaced when i showered this morning. ;)
i'm learning new ways to breathe and to relax. we are going to a halloween party at the local dungeon tonight. i am going as the naughty school girl. :D i've made some homemade cookies and have some special halloween bags to put them in. they will be taking pictures at tonight's party. i wonder if we will have one taken?...
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i met with the Domme that i referred to in an earlier entry. we had a marvelous time! she is very experienced and has a great imagination. i learned how to fist--which will come in handy. ;) she introduced me to bondage; which i love... after all the spanking, whipping and general torture, there wasn't a mark on me to remember the fun by....she is just too good. i can't wait to see her again.
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I have been corresponding with a Domme online. we have plans to meet this week. this is a first for me; to reach out beyond my immediate circle of friends. we are going to meet for lunch and see how it goes. if all is ok, then i plan to stay for a visit. :) we have talked about a few fantasies and i am 'all aquiver' !!! i'm nervous but i have a good feeling about this--this is a perfect opportunity to see how accurate my gut is these days. ;)
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last night was the back to school party. it was a lot of fun to see the costumes. i was happy with mine. i had a chance to sit down and talk with several ppl and this helped increase my confidence. there wasn't an opportunity to play :( but i still considered the night a success. there is a halloween party at the end of the month and i hope/plan on attending. i've already gotten the day off. i'm not sure if i will wear my uniform or not.
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i have had three different Domme's contact me. we would write back and forth and then, suddenly--i'd never hear from them again. initially i was hurt and puzzled; then i got mad. why not spend a minute and say; hey, i'm moving on. it's the very least that i expect.
i have plans for saturday night. i just love to say that: plans for saurday night... i'm going to a 'back to school' party-complete with plaid uniforms! i do have to work all day but i've gotten all my stuff together and am ready.
the pics that i mentioned in my last entry turned out so well that i took serial pics of my tush. i was able to document the bruises over the course of a week as they healed.
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i have had the most wonderful adventures lately. i went to the local dungeon for a class on shibari; i even went alone (which is very daring of me). i was proud of myself...introducing myself to others. i sat next to another new person; alec and we got a chance to visit. the class itself was great. Tatu, the speaker was a fount of knowledge.
i had to leave before some of the best demos were done. i had family commitments.
then just last night, a friend and i went to the 2nd annual gala for the dungeon. lots of good food, good people in great clothes. i had my own personal memento from the evening. i went to my friends house right after work. she had a surprise for me when i got there. we were able to play for a while...i'm really proud of how well it went. i wanted to show her how much i appreciated it by 'taking' all she had to offer. she brought me up slowly so it wasn't too hard to take. i didn't even have to give a safe word. at the end of the evening wheni got home; i rigged the camera so i could take a couple pics of my tushie. they came out ok, if i do say so myself. there is another function coming up...movie night. i hope to be able to go. ;)
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~sigh~ that is a sigh of contentment. i have had the opportunity to follow the orders of a Domme that i know. being a submissive is fullfilling for me. to be able to serve another, to recognize and learn to anticipate her needs; the satisfaction is hard to describe. She is very patient and encouraging. perhaps, one day i may be able to serve her? that's awfully ambitious, but i do aim high. ;) it's late, more another time...
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i spent the weekend at some friend's house. we skinny dipped all weekend long. it was fantastic. there were meteor showers this weekend and we laid in the water watching for them. (i saw two, myself.) i was played with on a spanking bench. while i'm sure that it made it easier for the spanker, it didn't do a lot for me. the spanking itself was very nice. ;) the best part of the weekend was spent visiting and getting better aquainted.
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i've been getting out a lot laterly. ;) i went a very nice gathering. i saw old friends and made new ones. there is a big weekend party coming up at the home of one of the couples that i met. i am really looking forward to going.
this past weekend was busy also. i went to the local dungeon and saw, among other things some wonderful fire play. besides being fastinated by the 'show'; i was very impressed with the aftercare. it's good to see examples like that. i also attended the munch the following day. again, i had the opportunity to meet new ppl.
it's been toooo long since i've played; but that may change this weekend. i'm keeping my fingers crossed.
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all of a sudden i have felt a reluctance to write in here. i feel shy. therefore for the time being; i will be a little withdrawn while i think all this through.
i'm continuing to meet new ppl. it's been an adventure, every day.
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i had a wonderful play weekend. three days of play; every night... i was spanked, swatted, and whipped. i found myself wanting to 'take it' to please my Top. i got myself some nice tushie shots. i think the thing that surprised me most was that She came twice while playing me. i was allowed to cum on two of the three days. i consider it an excellent experience and a ton of fun!
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i met a new friend this past weekend. she has years and years of experience. we are talking about playing together, but there is no rush. she is shy and i can certainly relate to that.
i happen to be looking forward to another get together. just the thought of it, makes me blush...
In |
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i have plans for saturday night and sunday and maybe monday!! i won't mention names but it is a new aqaintance who is rapidly becoming a friend that i am going to see. we have some common interests; and i am looking forward to finding more...
the job hunt continues. i am plugging along but no sucess as yet. *keeping my fingers crossed* |
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the weekend was a lot of fun. good food, nice ppl, and a great atmosphere.
even though i am unattached, i still felt like i needed to try and serve the Domme's. i need to get over this...being polite is fine but i overdid it. i kept other ppl from being able to serve their Domme. i got to watch several play episodes. i was too embarrissed to play in front of the fellows. i guess as i experience all these new things; i'd rather do the first run, in private.
i got to meet a few new ppl; that was really fun. i figure that the more i expose myself to different kinky things--the more comfortable i will get.
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i am feeling both nervous and excited about my 'freedom' in looking for a playmate.
i am going to a party this weekend...hopefully, i'll play too...
;) |
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i haven't heard from many ppl at all. it's a little discouraging, but then i remember that it's a small community. i did modify my profile statement. sometimes i think i'll never be satisfied with what i write. i keep looking for new material to read, another person to share what is going on inside of me, or simply a playmate for the afternoon. my eagerness is a little embarrissing. i want to play it cool, but the newness of bdsm keeps me in a constant state of anticipation. i have been invited to an overnight play party in a couple weeks. i'm really looking forward to that!
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today is our annual pride festival. it's always a lot of fun and i expect this year to be no different. who knows, i might meet someone at the pride fest? no new inquiries on cm. i did chat very briefly on im w/ one Domme. i learned that she has two dogs. one is just 2 months old.
i'm going to a dble header softball and t-ball games. two of my nieces are playing. this will be before the festival.
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the response to the changes in my profile hasn't yielded many inquiries as of yet... i'm trying not to feel impatient. newcomer eagerness i suppose. my research in bdsm continues... i have finally finished my latest book and am the look-out for recommendations. so far my booklist has included among others; "screw the roses, give me the thorns", and "different loving".
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my new favorite play has to do w/ the positions that i am put into... today was absolutely terrifying and exciting. i am learning more about my tolerance for pain. but today, i began to appreciate (if not enjoy) pain when it is mixed in w/ pleasure. it was nice to cum... it's been a while. ;)
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today is an important day for me; i have been released by my Ma'am so that i may persue a committed relationship. i came to realize that i need a monagamous relationship instead of living in a poligamous (sp) arrangement. i'm in no rush to run out and find my ideal mate (wherever you may be *wink wink*). my previous Ma'am is just thrilled for me and we are going to remain good friends. i know to take one step at a time; but am really excited about this change in my status. |
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yesterday my old ma'am: tam, came online and called me. i was shocked and thrilled as it's been months since i've heard from her. she greeted me and immediately told me to strip and gather my toys; on my knees. completing my task, she welcomed me and we chatted briefly. then i was told to get a large bowl of ice and a cup of water. she has always loved having me incert ice cubes into my vagina. all of a sudden she quit writing and her connection was appearently lost... i was really disappointed to say the least! she travels in remote areas and often cannot get a internet connection. :(
this type of online play though can't compare w/ the real thing that my current Ma'am is introducing me to.
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private play: it was wonderful. i loved the one on one time w/ my Domme. love in a polyamorous relationship is quite different from monagamous type relationship. i am enjoying exploring the differences. ;)
she is introducing pleasure and pain in a way that is new to me: nipple play primarily. we kissed a lot and she stroked me all over. i had a fantastic time and look forward to more play soon!
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i've been invited to my first private play party! it's been so long that i am both anxious and excited. i'll have to share once i have time to digest it... :) |
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it's been a while, i'm sorry to all the folks that wait eagerly for my journal entries...*giggle*
i am now collared to my Ma'am: Annastasia. she is gentle and understanding w/ a kinky streak that runs through her every bone. she has had to be away for over 2 weeks. i'm beside myself w/ restlessness and supressed excitement... we talked this morning and she shared some ideas that she has had for me to do each day as a reminder of her.
belonging to her is giving me a subtle confidence. it's hard to explain. anyway, this is just a quick update...btw if anybody actually reads this would you drop a note and let me know what you think? this is all quite new for me, (even though i've done tons of reading about the lifestyle--and not just those fantasy books either).
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i went to my first play party this new years eve. it was absolutely fantastic. Ma'am has not said that she is accepting me yet, but i know that she has been pleased with me. i would be honored to be Her submissive. anyway, back to the party--playing was a mix of pleasure and pain...erotic stroking and a sudden sting... i can't wait to earn a chance to play again.
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i am now under collar of consideration. i am feeling hopeful that things are going to work out. my research continues. anyone who knows of some good bdsm links, please don't hesitate to drop me a line...
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a friend of mine heard from my ma'am! she hopes to be around soon. i have been talking w/ a local couple. they both seem very nice. i haven't known what questions to ask. One is a Domme and the other is her sub. in one of the chatrooms suggestions were made: ask what she (the domme) does after her sub is hurt, how is aftercare handled. where does the domme stand on humiliation-(destroys self esteem). hmmm, there were several other suggestions.
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no word from my ma'am... :( of course i continue my tasks. i was in a room tonight and got booted by an op for trolling. boy oh boy, was i surprised. i believe that she mixed me up w/ someone else--i had just arrived.
i got an email from a fellow who is a writer. he has sent several pieces of his work to me. they are soooo erotic...i got wet just reading them. i can't wait for his next entry.
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i met my ma'am over two years ago in a chat room similar to what is here. our relationship has been solely online. this has required creativity and patience by both of us. it is at her urging that i came to this site. due to circumstances beyond our control; my ma'am may have to let me go. she has slowly introduced me to life as her slave: her kitty. thru instant messenger we communicated regularly. but at this time, it has been longer than ever since i have heard from her, over a month. she shows her love and gives affection generously. i love and respect her in return. i once told her that i had never come more than one at a time. she assured me that it was possible to come many times. (in retrospect, a very niave notion.) towards that end, she has introduced a routine for me to do each night before bed. i have been doing it forever it seems. i am to masterbate to the point of coming, and stop. then go to sleep. i am allowed to use a vibrator, thank god. my ma'am has controlled my orgasms for a long time. for a long time it was hard to get that excited on command: practice, practice, practice.
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i absolutely love the idea of keeping a journal that may be read by others. it's so voyeristic....
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