To you who i spent 10 years giving my soul and being to, and to whom i  mourn for almost 14 years now --- life has never been the same.  Life is generally good... some bad, some stupid, some really boring.  Life was best with you.

i have found and even been with others, but they have been fleeting.  Not their fault, not mine.  Just is, just was.  i suppose i never found another like you.  Nor did i ever measure up to be the way i was.  i became cynical, more doubtful, a lot sarcastic, less tolerant.  i tried to learn, i tried to be.  i just cant.

all i could do really well is apologize that the slave i used to be with you--- has been lowered to simply submit with caution, with a lot of hesitancy and fear. 

i miss you.  i wish i knew how to get up and start again.  i wish --- i knew.

i doubt love will be the same.  i doubt if i even could.

Ok let me say this:  i may be a submissive, i may be a slave.  i may be surrendering to a Dominant Master or Dom.... BUT i will NOT ---and i repeat ---NOT --- take any Dominant seriously if He does not even have the zitzpah to have spell check and grammar check.  I am tired of reading misspelled words and ungrammatical sentences from arrogantly superior "Masters"  who talk (or type) like a kindergarten kid.  So...even for me, who quit the last term of by University, if i take the time to type carefully making sure i spell things right or even speak the best grammar i can muster, take time to do the same.  Or just please... pass on by.    Thanks :)

i have been in this lifestyle--off and on -- since i was in my teens.  i have had Masters rl and online, and found only so very few who believed like the way i believe:  my slavery is NOT all about the pain i can handle on more than 5 times a week, nor is it about fucking my ass on the same number of days as my hand.  my slavery is about His pleasure, His pride, and His needs being fulfilled the very best way i can give, and the training and discipline is to guide and teach, not to batter nor mark my flesh for days. 

 i am a sensuous person:  in both my vanilla world and in my submissive slave world.  i can be a very headstrong person, rebellious when it impedes my freedom to think, but easily tamed by the Master i serve and love with all my very being. 

 i have found a lot of Masters who have owned me--online and real life--- and then left me alone without a word for months, almost a year.  i remained loyal, devoted, and very much so their slaves... though any sane person would wonder why.  i am easily suspicious because of years of mental abuse by those who call themselves "Master" so forgive me if i don't trust your word just like that.  As much as i am a submissive/slave (depending on what you decide to term my surrender) i am a human being first.  my "Master" has a lot to prove as much as i do for Him. 

the romance may start like a whirlwind but it is my experience it also tapers down just as fast.  i am older that most who start out, but i have the time.  i have been alone forever--- another day or week-- makes no difference, if i can find the one who will eventually last half of forever.