Up and Downs, over and over again.  The roller coaster never seems to stop.  I find myself exhausted not just from the days that are down but also from the days that super high.

All I can do right now is pick myself up, dust myself off and begin again.  In the end, with perspective, everything happens for a reason.

During my journey to understand my need to submit myself to another, I have struggled and made bad choices here and there.  But now I can feel myself on the edge of finally being where I need to be.  Still there are doubts, not in Him, but in myself.  He has proven to me that He will always be honest with me, even when I do not care for what He is saying.

We recently had a rough patch and it was all I could do not to give up.  I knew that He was still what I needed in my life but a part of me wanted to take the easy road instead waiting for the hard part to clear.  I am so glad that I did wait and did not allow myself to run again.  I know there are still many rough spots to come, there always will be in life, but I hope that I will continue to find the strength to be patient and allow Him the time needed to make it right again.

My mind is racing right now as I am learning to get through the rough patches.  Learning how to keep my trust and hope for the future intact.  The couple of days have shaken me but not enough to run away and hide, even though that is still in my mind.  I think the toughest lesson is to tough it out and just get through the tough times to be rewarded on the other side.

Each step, each day, that I journey down this path, I find more of myself that I lost so many years ago.  As much as I always longed to find a strong man to share my life with, I never knew it could be this good. 

I have so much to learn, not just about submitting myself to His will but about myself as well.  It definitely has not been easy but for the first time in my life I am ready for whatever comes.  In the past I would get scared and run long before I got to this stage.  He has made such a difference in my life. 

I am learning that I need to quit worrying about the details and let Him take care of it.  He knows me, He knows who I am, He believes in me, He will not let me hide from myself or Him. 

It is not about sex or kink, it is about the two of us working and growing together to build a relationship that is good for us.  It is about the connection between two people that care about each other. 

I can feel myself becoming a stronger person, not just as a submissive but in all aspects in my life.  I am beginning to believe that there is a beautiful, strong woman inside and she is ready to come out and live.

I find myself smiling and laughing as I think of the "Doms" that have contacted me in the last two of days.  There are four that come to mind right away. 

The first, asked me if I was pretty.  Now most people would say that yes they were but me...nope, couldn't do it.  I told him i was ugly hag.  His response was "do tell".  I asked if he really wanted me to describe how unattractive I was.  His response "i thought you were kidding."  Yes, I was kidding but really, after maybe 3 messages tossed back and forth between us, THIS is what he wants to know?  I explained to him that it seems like a silly question when everyone lies on here anyway.  He asked if I had a picture and when I wasn't willing to show one to him, he disappeared.

Number two, after three messages that were not much more than hi, what part of southern Illinois do live in and are you a good person, demanded my yahoo.  When I refused, I was called a pig and wannabe.  Hmmm, It hurt, really it did.

Number three, seemed very nice but when he magically seemed to live in the same area as me, I thought it was too good to be true.  Yeap, it was too good to be true.  I have watched his profile the last couple of days and his location keeps changing.  Texas, Illinois, New Jersey, New York and the lasted Minnesota.  Hmmm, He sure moves a lot in a short amount of time.

Number four...Now this one was different.  I have enjoyed intelligent conversation, messages that I was not left clueless because of all the grammar and spelling errors. (Yes, I know it can be harsh to expect a Dom to be literate.)  Overall, He could be someone that I would love to get to know better.  As a friend at the least and maybe more if things work.  Only time will tell but for now it looks pretty good.

I find myself wondering how anyone ever finds what they are looking for.  Not just online but in real life.  There seem to be more bullshitters than true upfront people.

I would love to find someone that follows through with promises.  It is a big deal for me, if you say you are going to do something...then do it.