MsFreya

VERY challenging week so thank good tomorrow is Friday. And yes these are the times that I feel really lonely wishin I had someone to come how to.  One more week and I'm off to Argentina.

What a wonderful day. Yesterday I started off by going running with my friend (as always) - I simple adore her. She is smart, fun, complex and always have an interesting perspective on things and I feel 100% accepted and appreciated for who I am despite the fact that we are very different people with very different backgrounds. After that I had my nails done. I've gone there long enough know that they now know me, or a little about me, and it makes me feel "at home" as if I am part of a community. We had a really nice conversation and I also happened to run in to someone that I know from somewhere else and it felt good to also connect with her. After that I went for a argentine tango lesson. The night before I went to a birthday party at the house of my tango teacher. And it was in short lovely. First I was just very touched by the fact that she invited me, and then the folks who where turned out to be very warm and welcoming. Although I stayed a little on the fringes I felt very comfortable and glad that I went. Seeing my teacher the next day made me feel as if we've gotten a little closer to each other. I am progressing slowly but surely in my tango dancing skills. Its incredible hard - or at least it is for me - but every so often I have moments that I feel like I move in sync with my partner and it is a great feeling. The day was topped of with going to see Van Morrison at the Masonic with a friend. And in one word it was Awesome. He has so much feeling and rhythm its not even funny. And don't get me started on the band, what amazing musicians. During the last week I have taken quite good care of myself, making sure that I got more sleep than I tend to so I am feeling more relaxed and awake. Taking the Level 2 workshop with HAI (Human Awareness Institute) last weekend has definitely also had a very positive impact on my state of mind. Feel more relaxed, in my body and most mindful about feeling gratitude and appreciation for the people around me and my life in general.

Woke up this morning feeling quite rested. Going to a 2 hour tango class today and then off to meet one of my best friends and hang out with the new puppy she has gotten. Its a little Staffordshire mix girl with just a perfect staffie head and I am absolutely in love.

I am 4 weeks away from my trip to Argentina and feel as if I'm as ready as I should be. I have a great apartment in Buenos Aires rented, bicycle tours scheduled for both the northern and southern part of the city, dinner arranged at a "closed door restaurant" on Christmas day and private tango lessons scheduled every day. So BA here I come!

As I'm writing this I'm sitting on my couch, drinking a large cup of café latte with a fire burning in my open fire place, with my cat sprawled out in front of it trying to absorb as much heat as possible. Being my is not too shabby.

Just got back from my trip to Rome, Italy - had an absolute awesome time. I think this I the best vacation that I have had ever and I can not think that there could have been a better way for me to celebrate my 50th birthday.

I loved being surrounded by family and friends - truly felt loved and appreciated and truly appreciated them making the effort (and investment) to travel that far to share my birthday with me.

Rome is just an amazing city - the history that exist there is truly humbling and inspiring. Every where you look you can see and feel it. We really lucked out with all the activities that I had planned. A few that stands out the most is the 7 hour bicycle trip along the old Appian way and the tour we did at the Coliseum, Forum and Palantine Hill, and let' not forget all the churches we walked into by just walking around for hours. Or the concert we went to listening to a Mozart's requiem and I can go on ;)

I had chosen very small tours with guides who where art historians so instead of just hearing a learned script we got in depth understanding and stories from guide who where both knowledgeable and inspired.  

Oh, and lets not forget about the food - we did not have a single bad meal. I had pasta and gelato sometime twice a day.

After 8 days I still feel like I have just scratched the surface and would definelty go back.

Again being me and being 50 is not all that bad ;)

Just got back from my trip to Rome, Italy - had an absolute awesome time. I think this I the best vacation that I have had ever and I can not think that there could have been a better way for me to celebrate my 50th birthday.

I loved being surrounded by family and friends - truly felt loved and appreciated and truly appreciated them making the effort (and investment) to travel that far to share my birthday with me.

Rome is just an amazing city - the history that exist there is truly humbling and inspiring. Every where you look you can see and feel it. We really lucked out with all the activities that I had planned. A few that stands out the most is the 7 hour bicycle trip along the old Appian way and the tour we did at the Coliseum, Forum and Palantine Hill, and let' not forget all the churches we walked into by just walking around for hours. Or the concert we went to listening to a Mozart's requiem and I can go on ;)

I had chosen very small tours with guides who where art historians so instead of just hearing a learned script we got in depth understanding and stories from guide who where both knowledgeable and inspired.  

Oh, and lets not forget about the food - we did not have a single bad meal. I had pasta and gelato sometime twice a day.

After 8 days I still feel like I have just scratched the surface and would definelty go back.

Again being me and being 50 is not all that bad ;)

Ok, just came back from another argentine tango class. And it was SO MUCH FUN. A very different way of teaching and it actually made me feel as if I was dancing and not just practicing steps. I was the most inexperienced dancer and many really good leaders. One man in particular was incredible patient and excellent at leading. One thing he kept repeating was that to make him work for it, and not give him any steps that he did not make it clear that he was looking for. There where quite a few really great dancers there and it was really awesome looking at them, very different styles but all really good. I think I might e getting hooked. I was told it takes over a year of consistent dancing before you dance naturally without it feeling a little forced. Look forward to that day but in the meantime I am going to focus on enjoying the process.

I am 4 weeks into my Argentine Tango Class. I having a blast. The hardest part is actually following - which is probably not a surprise - as I am more comfortable with leading. even so I am having a good time with it. A really diverse set of folks taking the class. Many of the women are Latina and really warm and nice. Tonight I am going out with a few of them to dance Argentine tango at some place they know. I hope I don't step on too many toes ;)

Last weekend I did a workshop with the Human Awareness Institute HAI up at Harbin Hot springs. Overall it was a wonderful experience. Without going into details of the content of the workshop, I came away feeling loved and appreciated for who I am, with my heart more open to others and more accepting of myself. I am the first one to acknowledge that these kind of workshops are not for everyone, but if you are looking to work on being more emotionally open and want to bring more intimacy and love in your life I believe these kind of workshops can be very helpful in that process. I will definelty come back for more ;)

My Rome trip is now just 7 weeks away so time to start planning for it. I am super excited about spending over a week exploring all the sights that Rome has to offer. And don't get me started on all the food I look forward to eating ;)

I also just made reservations for my Christmas/New Year’s Vacation. I am first going to spend 4 days in Buenos Aires, and then fly down to Esquel to do an 8 day multisport tour in Patagonia. I've rented an apartment in the Soho Palermo district with a great view, patio and pool.  

In Patagonia I will be doing canyoning in the Gelves and Palenque Canyons, whitewater rafting on the Futaleufu River, paddling kayaks on tributaries, hiking through the Chilean rainforest, and climbing sections of the Andes Mountain. I will be staying in a glamping  camp in my own cabin where they have a chef who will be making high end restaurant quality meals every night. They also have a spa where you can get massages - after all that activity during the day I plan on taking liberal advantage of that.

It will be the first time I go to Latin America and I feel incredible excited about it. I have experience from white water rafting in Cherry Creek before and have also done some sea kayaking. Over the next few weeks I will be taking a couple of kayaking lessons just too fresh up my skills ;) Also just signed up for Argentinian Tango lessons starting next week....

After my trip earlier this year to Southeast Asia I decided to travel more, despite going it alone, and it certainly has been a liberating decision. So a lot of first for me, and look forward to more to come.

Last Sunday, the last day of my friends visit, we had a wonderful day together. We drove into San Francisco and went for brunch at La Mediteranee in the Castro. My friend love their pomegranate chicken. After this we walked down Castro Street to Noe Valley where we stopped at la Boulange for coffee. On our walk back we passed Dolores Park where the San Francisco Symphony was giving a free concert. We joined the thousands of folks enjoying the music on the sunny Sunday afternoon

No major plans, just spending time together leisurely exploring the city and being open to whatever experiences came our way. These are the kinds of things I would love to do with a partner - just being together and being open to seeing what happens and what opportunities for enjoying the small moments that life brings our way if we are willing to be open and there for it. The bedroom or any other type of kink, is just the cherry on top for me. Which is why I am at this stage of my life not compatible with a man who is more focused on just the sexual aspects of D/s. Someone who is more interested in finding a domme more  than a getting to intimately know another human being, who also happens to be dominant. Don't get me wrong, I am not knocking people who are attracted to  just the sexual side D/s -regardless of side of the leash - as I was there myself about 10 years ago. But these days that is just not where my head and heart is.

Sure I want to be pursued, seduced, adored, sexually worshiped just like most dommes but more than that I  also want to feel  wanted and needed because the person that I am by a man who is seriously interested in getting to know me again as a total person I am not just what I have to offer him as a domme.

My friend left yesterday, and surprisingly I feel heartsick. It has been great to have someone around for almost a month. Really highlighted how lonely I feel about living my life without a partner. It is becoming more clear to me that collarme is not going to be the way I connect with someone who just like me is primarily looking for an intimate relationship where the kink and D/s is just one of many facets. Although I initially thought that the internet would be a great way to connect with people who I otherwise would not in a million years be able to connect with - as our lot don't carry a banner and there is no secret handshake etc - I am just getting increasingly discouraged by the folks that contact me, as VERY rarely is there any reason to believe that here is anything in the vanilla world that we have in common and all they want is sexual play.

I actually got through most of my to do list. I bagged making new window treatments for the dining room but finished the ones in the guest bedroom. I also did not get my cars detailed which in some ways is a good thing given that its raining today and will also most likely rain tomorrow. My cleaning lady came today and also washed the windows outside and in - and it looks and smells great. I am ready for my friend (and her boyfriend to show up). I am so looking forward to having her here for a month. She is great company. We've lived and travelled together before and we get along really well. On Friday we head up to Tahoe for a long weekend. Desolation wilderness - here we come!.

Woke up this morning feeling lonely and wishing that there was someone laying next to me with whom I felt a strong emotional connection. Maybe the fact that I have a to do list a mile long for today might have fuelled these feelings. One of my best friends is coming to visit from Stockholm for a month and Im using that as a forcing factor to get things around the house done. I will be great to have her here

The race went much better than I had thought. We actually ran faster than we've ever had. The last 2 miles where painful. Being sick and not running for over a week caught up with me and I so wanted it to be over. But as soon as we stopped running I felt just fine. The massage and saunas at Kabuki was exactly what the doctor ordered. Got home, went to bead early and had a good nights sleep. My legs are a little sore today but plan on going for a short run tomorrow morning.

I'm off to run the san Francisco half marathon this morning. I hope it ends up not being too painful. Have been trying to overcome for the last week so have not run for 7 days.

So I went back to the Kabuki Spa today and had the same awesome massage. And I have another one scheduled for next weekend after I run the San Francisco Half Marathon. My new favorite for sure.

Yeah me, yesterday we ran the San Francisco half marathon course that we're doing 2 weeks from now. I would lie if I said we where flying but we did it, and did it feeling just fine. And today I am not even sore or in pain anywhere. Feel great about that. Even had enough energy to go out for dinner together last night. Have to admit that I was in bed by 9 PM and slept like a baby until 5 AM which is very unusual for me. Typically I wake up every few hours and very rarely get a full nights sleep. So on top of feeling good about the run I also woke up this morning feeling quite rejuvenated.

I can't remember when I last felt this tired - physically, mentally, and emotionally. I am not feeling sad or depressed just thoroughly drained and run down by trying to do too much with not enough sleep. Much at work, working out a lot and also in the process of buying a house.  Running is going great. We are on track for the SF Half Marathon in June. Next weekend we're running the actual course, and I an confident that, although challenging, we will have no problem getting through it. I am spending the weekend trying to take care of myself and relax and rejuvenate. I ran 10 miles yesterday morning and did not do a lot of anything for the rest of the day. Today I'm going to the Kabuki spa to do their communal baths and get a 2 hour body treatment with some Indian name aimed at relaxation that involves different types of oil. Tomorrow afternoon I'm having friends over for dinner. A while back I bought a self refrigerated gelato machine and I'm going to try it out for the first time, making fresh strawberry gelato.

Overall I am doing what I can to relax and take care of myself, would have been lovely to have someone here to pamper and care for me, but in the absence of that I girl needs to take care of herself. Something I am not necessarily great at which is why my batteries have run as low as they have.

Decided to take down the photos of the slimmer me. I know that I am clear in my profile and journal that these are old photos but just to make sure that no one feels like I am doing false advertising (as this is also a deal breaker for me) I decided to delete them.

This is what I call a wonderful day.

I got up at 5 am to go for a 12 mile run with my friend in the city. And it went great! We both felt as if we had lots of energy left so now we feel really comfortable with running the san Francisco half marathon in June. 2 weeks from now we are running the full distance by doing the actual course.  In a little while I am taking another friend for a spa afternoon at the Kabuki Spa in San Francisco, where we will use the communal baths, have massages and body polishes. It is my birthday gift to her but is as much a gift to me - both to spend time with her and well as the spa.

I know that I will sleep like a baby tonight in my bed with newly washed sheets - so yet another thing to look forward to ;) Being me is not bad.

Yeah me! I am doing the San Francisco half marathon in June. My running friend and I are training for it following a program developed by our run club. Yesterday I had to run 10 miles which is the longest I've run for 18 months. As my running friend was away for the weekend I also had to do it by myself. I started at Crissy field and followed the bay all the way past the Giant stadium and turned around when my garmin hit 5 miles. It drizzled pretty much the whole way but it made it actually easier to run as it stayed cool. AND it went incredible well. I was able to pick up the pace on the way back. Super excited about it.

5 years ago 10 miles used to be a short run. Given my current weight its a different ball game. The part of the run that I loved the most was that I was simple just loving it and not beating myself up for the fact that I am slower than I was or that something that used to feel like a walk in the part now felt like a little challenge.

I always loved running and I am rarely happier than when I am doing it. Would love to meet a partner with whom I can share my love of running.

OK I've made a decision. I turn 50 on Halloween and I've decided how I'm going to celebrate it. I have rented a large wonderful apartment in Rome for a week around my birthday and I've invited family and friends to come stay with me for all of part of the week. I have been to Italy many many times but for some reason never made it to Rome. Its always been on my list of places I wanted to go but thought it would be best experienced with a lover given what a romantic city it is. Even if that is still the case I'm done waiting or holding off on doing things I want to "because" this or that .

I'm super excited as the apartment is lovely with a balcony going around the entire apartment, large social areas with lovely and welcoming furniture and a large fireplace. Everyone I've asked is excited to come so there will be a great mix of family and friends joining me. If I would be so lucky as to meet a man between now and then, he would of course be welcome to join, so still a chance that I will experience Rome with a lover but only time will tell ;)

Slowly but surely coming to the conclusion that this website is not going to be a channel for me connecting with a man who is a good fit for me. Over the last couple of years, the number of men who contact me who are genuinely looking for a relationship first and not just sexual play had greatly gone down.

These days I mostly get one sentence messages asking for sex or the moronic "whats up" kind of messages.

Really disappointing.

I just got back from my amazing trip to Vietnam, Laos, and Cambodia. So many impressions it was at times challenging to take it all in. I loved Hanoi and Halong Bay. Would love to spend more time in Vietnam. The most awesome experience was to visit the various temples at Siem Reap. I just added a photo I took on my last morning. We got up at 4 am to catch the sunrise over Angor Wat. We got there when it was completely black, and it was just awesome to sit there and see the temple slowly materialize before our eyes.

Decided to make some boeuf bourguignon. The smell of beef being stewed in red wine is spreading throughout the house and its lovely. In a couple of hours I will add the pearl onion and mushrooms - yummy!

I'm back from my trip to Norway and Sweden. Had an absolutely awesome time. Unfortunately I caught a cold on the airplane and have now lost my voice. Some people would say this is a good thing. Need to get well in time for my next trip ;) Would love some chicken soup.

I'm doing it. Yesterday I made final travel arrangements to go to Vietnam, Laos and Cambodia in January. I will be away for a little more than 3 weeks. I've been wanting to do this trip for years but for good and most often bad reasons put it off - but no more. I have never been to Asia and am really looking forward to it. Go me!

I am also going home over the Holidays. Will be spending Christmas in Norway with my mother and her family and New Years in Stockholm with my friends. My mother does not know that I'm coming, although her husband is in on it. I can only imagine her reaction when I show up on her doorstep - priceless ;).

So lots of traveling for pleasure for me over the next few months - and really looking forward to all of it!

Its been raining like crazy the last few days.  My running buddy suggested that we try something new this morning to stay out of the rain. And being the friend that I am I said yes.  It actually turned out to be a really good workout, and fun and scary all combined into one - some moments felt like bambi others in control. If you are interested take a look at what I'm talking about.

http://www.houseofair.com/programs/workout/

Slowly but surely I am becoming stronger and faster. I have a 6 miles run, around my neighborhood, that I've been doing for years and years. This morning I ran it 10 mins faster than I did a month ago - which admittely is still quite slow compared to where I have to be in order  to qualify for Boston Marathon - but its improvement nevertheless and it makes me feel excited about the future.

Loosing almost 20 pounds really does help and I love feeling as if I have more energy. Especially given that fact that my life is a tad stressful right now. I am typically a stress eater and the fact that I am able to stick with my eating plan - and take good care of myself - feels great. Yes its true that I am also enjoying loosing the weight but more important than that, is how I feel.

My birthday is coming up at the end of the month. My gift to myself is to do a meditation retreat at Spirit Rock focusing on Awakening Joy with one of my favorite dharma teachers. Felt like a really appropriate way to celebrate "becoming one year older" and hopefully wiser, and perhaps a little kinder to myself.

Well, got back to my old healthy eating habits 6 weeks ago. I've lost 15 lbs so far, will reach my goal by end of March. Feel great about it. Eating healty, working out lots - but doing it all in a sane way.

I assume that his comments refer to the first quote in my profile.

On the internet, hiding behind our computers, we can be whoever we want to be. Its amazing that so many people choose stupid as the way they want to show up.

Have been in a funk for the last couple of months which is why I haven't posted much for a bot. Nothing really really major but just lots of stuff hitting me at the same time.

I've been comunicating and dating a few submissive men lately but nothing came out of it. Several ended up being just flat out flakes just wanting kinky sex but selling themselves initally as wantings a D/s relatiopnship. But I have also met a few couple of really good men who for various reasons where just not a good fit. One of my major challenges is to find a man who also makes a good partner from a relationship perspective - who is an intellectual and professional peer - and is also an extrovert with a high emotional IQ.

Having said that though given my current emotional state I have more of a need to be cared for and held, so not feeling a super strong dominant energy. Hopefully that will change soon, not a great not feeling like yourself.

I must be one of the greatest fans of the olympics. I don't disciminate between summer and winter versions - I love them equally. I am so looking forward to London and am really glad that they've decided  to stream some sports directly instead of having to wait for the primetime summary broadcast. I started "getting ready" by beginning to watch the olympic trials in track and field this weekend with swimming to start today. I started doing track and field when I was 6 (and my brother was 9) - as I wanted to do what he did and my age never got in my way. I was a runner from the very beginning - middle and long distance. I was never super fast but ran more with my head so any distance where you had to use strategy as opposed to just go all out was more playing to my strenghts. Oh, and the I also had the club record in the shot put for a few years but that's another story. Although I was never very good or anywhere near national level, watching the olympics brings back the feeling I had from training and competing and they are really happy memories.

I've had a really lovely last 3 weeks. My mother and her husband came to stay for 2 1/2 weeks and we had a wonderful time This is the fifth time the've come to visit in the 22 years I've lived in the US and without doubt this was the best time we've had together - ever. I took a few days off and we went up to Tahoe- as they've never been. We hiked every day, went to bed early and ate great meals. I really needed to rest and so did they,and despite being really active I felt super rested when I got back to work. We also had some of my best friends over for dinner which was one of the highlights for my mother as she loves the fact that she feels closer to my life based on now having met my friends. We went to the opera, another classic music concert, sailed on the bay, hiked regional parks, had massages, facials and mani/pedi's - so again lots of activities but more importantly spent some lovely quality time together. They also informed me that they have decided that once they retire retire, they will come visit for a month every year. Luckily my house is large enough that we don't have to be in each others way and they are just incredible positive and easy going people to have around - so I look forward to their next visit.

Having said that, having my home back all to myself is pretty awesome as well.

How much do I like driving my new car? Well, when I went to start my old car its been sitting so long that the battery is completely drained. I had to call AAA to come and give it a jump.

What I am not liking much is the fact that it seems as if I've come down with a case of plantar faschitis. What sucks about it is that I have just gotten back to a regular routine of running outside as opposed to doing cardio in the gym, and was just about to sign up for a half marathon in a couple of months. For now I just have to pull back and see if some stretching and rest will make the pain under my heel go away.

In the submissive department not much fun going on. A few months ago I connected with a submissive on another site, who lived on the east coast, but worked out here quite frequently. After he was asked to stop sharing his sexual fantasies he turned out to not only be dull as dirt, but also be a bit of liar with a not very attractive temper.

I have realized that I, over the last 18 months have been working way to much and that I need to get a better balance in my life. I have taken the first steps in working less but have not yet gotten all the energy I need to make the most of my life outside of work. I obviously was hoping that finding a submissive partner would help me in those efforts but either way its something I want to do.

Still have not made my travel plans to Laos, Vietnam and Cambodia, as I have yet to find a tour company that offers the kind of active adventure travel I want to do but also that I feel like I can trust.

I am in the process of planning for my trip to vietnam, laos and cambodia in December. On the one hand its exciting on the other a little daunting. Although I realize that its hard to go wrong as far as what places to visit - I am a little leary about selecting the tour company to go with.  Paying a fairly substantial amount of money to a small company on the other side of the planet with not many great ways to validate that they are "the real deal" is a little concerning.

I don't want a large company that mainly caters to americans wanting to casually see as many places as possible in a given time - from the window of a car, bus or train. I want t o travel solo with a guide or in a small group where you see fewer places but you actually stay and explore the ones you visit - by foot, bicycle, kayak or boat. I am looking for this to be a active adventure travel trip and my sense is that this is best accomplised by going with a local company that caters to people from all over the world wanting something different. There is one company that I have found that sound like they would be able to put together the kind of trip I would like but again not completely confident in them.

On a completely different note. I have been using the 2 same perfumes for the last 20  years. Unfortunately neither of them are sold in the US anymore so I have to stock up when I go to Europe. I decided it was time to find a fragrance that I like that is not that hard to get hold of. I spend an hour at Neiman Marcus yesterday smelling myself through their fresh citrusy fragrances - I narrowed it down to 2 - and then walked abour wearing them on each wrist to see what they over time would smell like when they interacted with my body. So we have a winner. Its Eau Monumentale - by Thirdman. Its a complex but very fresh cistrusy scent - just what I like.  Its an exclusive fragrance for Neiman Marcus, so at least easier to find than the previous ones. I am still getting used to it but I think I will come to really like it.

Not sure why but lately I have been very lonely. I know it won't kill me and at some point I will stop feeling sorry for myself and either change how I think/feel about it or start doing different things to be less lonely.

A weekend of spiritual introspection and optional materialism - my favorite blend ;)

On Saturday I went on a one day meditation retreat at Spirit Rock. I used to go up there to mediate and attend retreats frequently but have not been up there in about 18 months. Jack Kornfield was teaching a daylong and that is always a good excuse to go up and it was wonderful. A beautiful sunny spring day spent in silence - absolutely lovely. I quickly realized how tired my body actually was and found myself oftentimes having a hard time staying awake. Went to bed earlier than I care to admit but it was quite lovely.

Today I went to pick up a car I’ve had my eyes on for a while. It’s a SLK 32 AMG. Not what you would call a convenient car but I wanted to have something small and fun to drive on the weekends. I spend so much time commuting in my SUV so wanted something in addition that is the complete opposite. The car is in absolute pristine condition. I went down to San Jose with friends to pick it up. Driving it home with the top down, I had a huge smile on my face.  It has amazing pick up and I know I will have much fun with it. Not a necessity in the least but simple a want that I decided to indulge myself with.

Saw The Artist with a friend tonight. What an amazing, creative and unique movie. I loved it from beginning to end, and so did my friend. Its moment like this that I find myself in awe of people who are creative like that - as I am not. I am more of a rational, analytical quick thinker - not that I'm complaining I think I made out all right in the brain department its just that I admire people who has what I don't.

Haven't written for a while. Last couple of months have been a little rough. I work too much while the rest of my life is a bit on hold or is not getting much attention. Yes work is very satisfying but my life feels a little empty as work is all there is right now. Need to find a way of getting out of that routine but I struggle with how to make that happen.

The first thing is to stop putting off things I want to do. I have for many years wanted to go to Vietnam but for one reason or another I keep putting it off. The main reason being that I want to take the trip together with a partner and not go by myself. No more. This December I am going for a 3 week trip to Vietnam, Laos and Cambodia. I have a couple of options but plan on making final reservations next week.

This does not of course not solve the overall problem at least one less thing I am putting off.

Babe steps, baby steps

Just bought Jesse Bonanno's latest album. Yes I know I'm late to the party as it came out last year but I simple LOVE it.  It touches my heart and make me feel both happy and melancholy at the same time. Melancholy is an underated emotion by many but not by me. I like how it makes me feel in touch with myself. For some reason his songs also fit my voice so I can sing along, which I'm doing over and over and over again ;)

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He is up there with David Barnes in my book- I just don't get why they are not more popular. Jesse is working as consultant with Accenture - what I waste I say ;)

I've been on this site since 2005 which is a little frightening or at least it is to me. I fully realize that meeting one’s life partner on a site where the majority of people active consists of horny wankers who are just looking for some titillating chatting or some prurient sexual encounters of pretty much any kind under the guises of being submissive/dominant etc is not all that likely – so why do I persist? Well two of my closest friends – who are also in the lifestyle – met their life partners online. Both couples are married with one couple being together for close to 7 years while the other is pushing 10. That is why.

I can think of few things more worthwhile than finding someone with whom I can share my life and who also shares my desire for a female led relationship based on service and submission.

This time of the year I always find myself second guessing that strategy however because it always seems as if around the Holidays the number of people who are looking to make fools out of themselves by contacting me with moronic messages takes a significant spike.

Periodpleaser messages a case in point. The first one states –" can I please eat your ass?" Which was shortly followed by one saying “I’m serious, I want to be your slut”.  This gem of a man happens to be in his 30’s and living in southern California – but the logistics of eating my ass at that distance are not mentioned, but I’m sure there is some kind of brilliant plan for that. Maybe he has an incredible long tongue. I know that my ass in its current configuration is sizeable but in no way large enough to reach down to the southern part of the state.

The most common message I get – and there are typically several a day is the standard “Hi Mistress, how is your day” or “Mistress, would you be interested in (insert any fetish you can imagine – but clearly something that is not the least appealing to me if you took time to read my profile).

My new approach to these kind of messages is that in addition to blocking any further messages I am also marking them as spam – as they clearly are not intended to me but rather is sent to the general internet space, the fact that it ends up in my inbox is more a coincidence than anything else.

I wonder if messages like that EVER get a positive response or if it sending messages like that is sufficient as fodder for their fantasies. Either way the longer I am online the less patient I get with people who have clearly not ready my profile or if they have, they don’t think that the information in it pertains to them.

However, hope springs eternal so maybe 2012 will be the year when the stars align and I will connect with an intelligent, emotionally mature, and professionally successful man who also deeply craves a relationship based on service and devotion to me – for the entire person that I am.

Slight change of plans. Getting the massage after my run tomorrow. Got myself an AMAZING facial instead.  I almost fell asleep and can not remember when I was this relaxed.

4 days of PTO - looking forward to it. Today I'm first going for a run and then getting a 2 hour Thai passage that includes a long foot massage. Being me is not all that bad.

Christmas is over for this year. The Swedish christmas dinner on Friday was great. Way too much food  and great company - which is the way it should be. Saturday I went to a friends church to see her kids perform in the nativity pageant and then crab for diner at their house meeting her parents in law and mother for the first time. Not much for christian services given the fact that I am buddhist but fun to see the kids. And who does not love crab? Yesterday traditional christmas dinner with the same folks I've celebrated Christmas with most years for the last 6 years. The highlight was a 8 week old puppy that a friend of mine is fostering. I was snuggling with the little bear all night. There is few things as cute as puppy breath. Today I went running in the morning with my running buddy and then had a 4th session with the organizer. I think we have 2 sessions left until we are done with my entire house. Today was my home office - takes forever to go through every piece of paper, binder and book that I have saved over the years. The shredder was working overtime and even got overheated a few times. I'm going back to work tomorrow but will be off on Thursday and Friday. New Years eve will be a quite affair as I like it, I will cook a great meal, watch a movie and go to bed early so that I can get up early on Jan 1st to go for a long run - I love starting the year that way.

I am having my Swedish Christmas dinner tonight. I got up at 6 to start the cooking/preparation. I started peeling the potatoes for the Jansson Frestelse. I put the peels in the garbage disposal and when I started it bad things happen. Now the water does not flow through but is instead recycled and pushed up from the garbage disposal. I need to bring in an emergency plummer to take care of it but in the meantime I will just keep on trucking.

The meal will have 6 types of herrring, smoked eel,smoked makrell, smoked salmon, cured salmon, caviar on hard boiled eggs, meatballs, janson frestelse, christmas ham, english peas, red cabbage, and dilled potatoes - so I better get cracking ;)

Just got done with my second session with the professional organizer. We where able to complete going through my closets and dressers in my bedroom and part of a hallway closet - in just 3 hours. There is plenty of room both in my dresser and closets which I had never imagined. I have ordered 2 covered closets to put out in the storage unit and given how much I decided to get rid of I might not need them, which again I could never have imagined.

Its not that he necessary does much - the fact that he is there and keeps the process going is what matters. He also takes all the stuff away to donate. He does charge me for it but I am more than happy to pay for not having to drive around and drop stuff off, but still know that my old clothes and shoes are going to come to good use.

I am typically to tired when weekend comes around that the last thing I feel like doing is to start on some organizing project at home. He had thought that what we did today would take twice as long as it did, but given that I make decision quickly and was willing to get rid of a lot of stuff we where able to get this done without any stress. He is coming back again next weekend to tackle my guest bedroom and home office. After that its my kitchen and living room and then we will be done. Its costing me a fair penny but its absolutely worth it. Again looking forward to starting 2012 off with a decluttered and organized home ;)

Yesterday I attended by first Bat Mitzvah. It was also the first time that I was in a synagogue or attended a Jewish ceremony which given my upbringing is a little surprising. It was the daughter of my colleague and I was very flattered to be invited as I know it’s a big deal to a Jewish family.

It was a 2 hour service and her daughter lead and did most of the readings. I have to say that I am incredible impressed by her poise and I had no idea how much time and effort it goes into preparing for this. I compare it to my first communion when I was at the same age. I took a few classes and had to answer one question during the service where the answer consisted of 2 sentences and typed up and given to me beforehand.

I did tear up twice. My colleague’s family is from Russia and they were not able/allowed to celebrate their Jewish traditions growing up so this was the first person in their family that was able to be a bat mitzvah. Her great grandparents and grand parents where present and they did a ceremony when they passed the torah from generation to generation to finally be given to her daugther. There was something incredible moving about it and I did find myself tearing up. At the end of the ceremony both parents also gave a speech to their daughter where they spoke about the family history and why they were so proud of her. Again turned on the tap.

Afterwards we went for a HUGE lunch at a Russian restaurant - there where so many dishes we lost count and when we thought we were done we realized that we had just worked our way through the appetizers. Given that many Swedish and Russian dishes are very common I thoroughly enjoyed it - herring, caviar and smoked salmon, oh my.

Overall it was not to me a very moving ceremony as most of it was in Hebrew and just like I always found the few services I attended in the Lutheran church in Sweden it did not emotionally or intellectually resonate with me, I thoroughly enjoyed the experience and honor to be invited.

I have to say that it also made me feel even more grateful about my own spiritual path in having found Buddhism as it truly does resonate with me and plays a really important part in my everyday life.

I had my first session with the professional organizer yesterday and it was awesome. I would say that I got rid of about 60 % of all the stuff that was in my storage unit. He was nice enough to take some stuff to goodwill and the animal shelter while I made a run to the local dump with the rest.

I had kind of forgotten that I had a st andrews cross, a spanking bench in pieces and a smothering box in my storage unit. It was clear from the amount of dust that they had not been used for a while and truth be told I miss it. At the same time I long ago grew out of enjoying playing with people who I'm not in a monogamous relationship with so for now they get to stay in storage but I'm hopefull that I eventually will meet a man where we can build a releationship built on radical intimacy build on service, power exchange and kink.

It was kind of cute - as he did ask me what the cross was. I simple said its a St Andrews cross, he said he didn't know what that was and I responded that's OK and if that is the case you don't need to. He did not ask me about the other stuff. My experience is that when you act normal and not embarrased around things like that people don't feel embarrased or akward either.  Its only when you act embarrased that they will feel the same.

Either way, I'm over the moon happy about having started the de-cluttering process and look forward to more to come next weekend.

Yeah, first night in my new bed. I absolutely love the adjustable foundation - it allows me to set the bed to minimize any pressure on my lover back. I think my sleep patterns are about to improve to signficantly. I'm off for a run this morning and then this afternoon I am meeting with the professinal organizer. Today we are tackling my outdoor storage unit - wish me well ;).

My bed just got delivered. Want to spend the while day in bed but unfortuntely can't be done. I think it will be an early night for me however ;)

Once I've made my mind up I tend to "just do it" as they say. I just spoke with one of the proffessional home organizers and I have an appointment for him to come over next Saturday to start working with me to declutter my closets and outdoor storage. Feels great to know that it will be done as I really do feel much happier when things are organized and orderly around me. Its just that I don't seem to have the energy to do it during the weekends given the hours I work during the week.

OK, So who am I kidding :)

I'm not going to complete all the decluttering on my own. I pride myself of having pretty good self knowledge so I work with what I got. Just contacted 2 different professional organizing companies hopefully one of them can help me get all my projects done before the end of the year so I can start 2012 in a more organized fashion.

Oh how wonderful to have a few days off. I tried taking Wednesday off but ended up working from home. I spent Thanksgiving at a friends house so did not have to do any cooking, or cleaning up, which is in my book the best way to do it when it come sto Turkey, stuffing, gravy and pmpkin pie, since they all belong to the kind of food I could gladly do without. This year was the first time that had smoked turkey, as I love smoked meat it was quite nice but it will never become a favorite of mine. Unlike what I'm eating tonight. I am going to grill some wague beef and some chanterelles. Now that is a meal worth talking about.

I've begun the tedious process of going through my closets and cleaning them out. I have way too much clothes and am planning on giving much of it to "the career closet". There are quite decluttering projects that I need to undertake but when the weekends comes around I am typically not all that excited about taking it on. These are the kind of things it would be lovely to have a service oriented submissive take on, and they would not be in any doubt how grateful I would be for their service ;)

Right now I'm laying on the couch with my cat, Kitty Katt, snuggled up next to me watching Pride and Predjudice, the Keira Knightly version. For some reason it is one of my favorite movies and I've probably watched it 10 times but still enjoy it as much as ever ;)

Had a lovely weekend. As always I got up really early yesterday to run with my running friend. The air this time of the year is so crisp and cool early in the morning which makes it great run weather. I rent and got groceries at Berkeley Bowl and whenever I go I find some great new produce. This time I got large artichokes with the 10 inches of the stem left on which, if you stem them, tastes great. I had some friends come over for dinner last night and I cooked a new dish I learned at the cooking school a couple of weeks ago. It came out great and we had a really nice time. This morning my cleaning lady came around and I'm now laying on my couch with lit candles and a fire going in the, enjoying a really clean home. Next week I'm only working 2 days as I'm taking Wednesday off - and I'm looking forward to 5 days off.

I bought myself a new bed today. Its a tempurpedic bed called tempur cloud supreme - which sounds dreamy to me. I also bought a base called advanced ergo system which means that the base is adjustable and has a built in massager. Its a swedish made bed which of course does not hurt. Not cheap but I know I will enjoy it for years to come. It will be delivered in the next 3 weeks and I can't wait, maybe I will end up spending the holidays in bed ;)

Some free unsolicited advice from FICKMEAT along with a summing up of my personality. Gotta love how people feel free to say anything they want when hiding behind a keyboard.

50 grams of fat per day - maximum. That means once you reach 50 grams you eat no more fat for the rest of the day. A day is measured from when you wake up to when you go to sleep. You can eat as much fruit and as much vegetables as you want - they don't count. The butter and the sour cream on the baked potato does count. Absolutely no alcoholic beverages and absolutely no carbonated beverages and minimize the juices unless you make the juice yourself. Water - drink as much as you can, you should have water in your hand at all time when you are awake. Additionally, you must exercise throughout the day. As an example I wake up and do 10 pushups 10 leglifts and other exercises. The trick to working out throughout the day is small sets - for you that could be one pushup one leglift one plie one heel lift. Most believe that one workouts at the gym wasting time chatting with friends. The trick is to incorporate fitness with life activities not wasting time and money feeding the bottom line of balley's or 24hr fitness. Go to walmart and buy dumbells not a barbell with the end fittings that spin on and off. You can do almost every barbell exercise using dumbells and you can take them with you when you travel. Do not buy those fixed weight 'girly' dumbells or the fixed weight dumbells you see at the gym - you need to be able to change the plates.

I perceive that you are too arrogant and lack sufficient discipline together with insufficient intellectual capacity and independent thinking to do anything other than whine about what you want but will never have.

Life is a roller coaster isn't it. I am a stress eater and the last year has been quite stressful although rewarding and exciting. I finally stepped on the scale the other week and realized that I had yet again gained weight and was not back at the weight I started at 4 years ago when I started working with a nutritionist. Despite feeling sad and more than a little embarrassed I got on the phone and set up an appointment with the nutritionist again. I have been back on following his eating guidelines for a week now. Although it is additionally adding to my level of stress, as food is no longer a go to soothing option I feel good about having made the decision to take action. It will be at least 7 months until I am back to where I want to be. Part of me feels like I failed as I gained all the weight back but I also feel good about the resilience of getting back on the wagon again, regardless of how many times I fall off.

What a wonderful getaway. No makeup, warm fleeze and quiet surroundings - just what the doctor ordered. I went on a fantastic hike on Sunday. My favorite trail from Stinson beach is Steep Raven, went down to Muir Woods, returning on the Dipsea all told 11 miles. Took some great photos along the way. Came back and made some great dinner - bbq'd some Wagyu beef and went to bed early with my calfs still shaking from the hike. Yesterday I went on a walk around Stinson Beach including walking the beach prior to the rain setting in. Before driving back home I had a 1.5 hour massage which was absolutely lovely. I loved the sound of the rain hitting the roof of the building and the therapist was an older woman who was a true character. Today my cleaning lady is coming as well as a handyman who is going to do some chores around the house. Tomorrow I go back to work - I should take this mini brakes more often.

I've been working very hard for quite a while and I really need a brake. I was able to take next Monday and Tuesday off and I'm renting a cottage up the coast - and I am super excited. I am going to read, take long hike meditate eat great food, sleep and just recharge my batteries. To get off to a good start I have a massage appointment on Friday night. I can't wait....

 Now I know.

Just realized that Rascal Flatts are coming to the bay area next weekend. Always wanted to go see them so I got tickets. Turning out to be a pretty awesome summer from a music perspective.

Also just came across Adele - yes I realize she's been around for a while and that I am late to the party - but happy to have found her nevertheless. If I was still taking voice lessons I would sing lots of her songs including the one below.

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I'm a bit if a foodie and love to cook. Duck breast is one of my favorite things to eat but for some reason I have always felt a little too intimidated of the technical aspects to actually cook it. Until last night that is. And it was delicious. I was able to render the fat and the skin came out just as crispy as it should ;). I got some great advice from a professional chef that I know and it was easy peasy. Just put some pepper and truffel salt on it and served with israelian couscous and english peas.

Folsom Fringe is just around the corner. It is one of my favorite lifestyle events - I typically find the classes very interesting - and focused on D/s as a lifestyle and not just bedroom kink - which has less appeal to me. Going by myself to an event like that though, is not something that I enjoy much as talking about it during and after the event, is very much part of what makes it a great experience for me. This year non of my lifestyle friends are able to attend so I will sadly enough sit this one out.

World championships in Track and Field - gotta love it. Watching in in HD makes it even better.

The paella came out great. I just added a photo of it to my profile. Off to do a hike and then off to dinner with another friend.

The acoustic concert by the Weepies was awesome. Did not get home until midnight which made Friday a bit of a struggle for me but it was definitly worth it.

I'm doing regular Saturday errands and getting ready for some good friends coming over to make/have dinner. We're doing paella. I have a large paella pan so we will all gather around my gas range and make it together, while we nibble on some spanish cheese and figs filled with blue cheesse wrapped in pancetta and then grilled on the BBQ. Our appetizer is green gaspacho and the dessert is a saffron orange flan. I love the fact that I have friends who are foodies just like me and who not only enjoy taking the time to cock great dishes but also really get in to eating and exploring new flavor profiles and textures. I feel really sorry for people who are picky eathers who are not getting joy from food.

And the men always do the dishes, always.

Sunday evening. Doing chores to get ready for the week. Not sure why but I always disliked  folding laundry - so when I am in a relationship that is one of the first responsibilites that my partner always get tasked with.  But until I find a treasured partner I will just have to keep doing it myself.

I know that for many men the main interest in kink is sexual and having things "done to them". I often come across men sending me emails telling me how submissive they are followed by very specific descriptions on what they want me to do to them. I have nothing against folks who like kinky sex and are looking to bottom to someone. To me, however, it has nothing or very little to do with being submissive. D/s is more about intent and emotion, rather than sex. Or at least it is to me. I want a man who wants to serve and please my needs, and who gets serious satisfaction out of pleasing me and making my life easier. Again, very rare to come across a man with that type of wiring. But I know they are out there and settling for less is just not an option for me as I know that it will leave me feeling empty and unsatisfied quite fast.

What an evening. Regardless of what you think of Michael Buble's music, he is a pretty aweseome entertainer.

The most exciting surprise was however the opening act. A group of men called Naturally 7. An acapella group that did something called vocal play. Never heard anything like it. They had the whole stadium on their feet.

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Now that is a way for someone to introduce themselves.

It was such a great experience being back in Toronto. Walked around and took a sightseein trip to make sure I caught as much as possible. Stayed in a lovely area with tons of fantastic restaurants.

Tired as h-ll and am looking forward to the weekend. Michael Buble and 14 mile hike coming up.

Tomorrow I'm running the San Francisco Half Marathon.  Went to pick up my bib earlier today. Its the first race I do in almost 3 years. Felt strange and also familiar to be at the expo. I'm happy to be spending more time with my running partner - as I so love her company. I hope that we will continue running together now that we've got going. Still not planning on adding mileage but would love to for now stay at this level and instead work in my speed. Tomorrow will be a bit of a pain as we have to be at the finishing line at 6:30 to take a bus to the starting line and then wait there until 8:30 when the race starts. I'm bringing warm clothes and a thermos so the wait does not have to be worse than it needs to. Wish us well.

Had a fun and relaxing weekend. Just came back from seeing Harry Potter the IMAX 3D  experience. It was awesome!!. Yes at times a bit vertigo inducing but so much worth it. A little sad that the saga is over but what an amazing fantasy.

Be aware of Goodboy94545.

 He first contacted me about 5 years ago he was then calling himself Alamedasub. He initially came across as honest and attentive. He would call me first thing every morning and we talk about everything but kink. The first time we meet he picked me up at the airport after dropping off my family and we went to my house and folded laundry. On my part there wasn't much of a physical attraction and during the time we where seeing each other he would come over and we would have dinner and go for a walk. We never played or got physical. He kept saying he was willing to be patient. BUT every weekend something always came up making him unavailable to meet. Every time. I did confront him once over the phone and I never heard back from him again. Over a year later he contacted me again saying how sorry he was about how be behaved but that he did get so upset about the impression that I did not want to see him. I told him that I was more than hesitant but agreed to have dinner. We met he was very attentive as always, and talked about what he wanted and was willing to do. BUT the same thing happened. Something always happened on weekends so I broke off our interaction. I read online somehere else that he was married and was contacting women pretending to be single.

 So I got more than suprised that I got an email from him the other day. He is now calling himself Goodboy94545. You can see the message below. I know it was 5 years ago but he clearly has not clue that he is contacting someone that he has actually spent a fair amount of time with.

~

My name is Peter. I'm 48 good shape. I'm single and have no kids. I'm an Operation Director for a bio tech company. I like 5 star resorts and fine dining. I like to live the good life. I live in the Hayward hills. I'm not that far from you.

I'm looking for my best friend, lover and Domme. I've been submissive for 20 years. I love to play hard. I can handle pain and love to show what i can take. I also have a great tongue and love to serve my Domme.

I also love to spoil my Domme, getaway weekends, SPA, shopping trips.

I also enjoyed your profile, it's well done. I know my was not very complete.

Hopeful we can talk soon

Peter

Got a call from the bodyshop. The estimate for the repairs are $5600. Did not see that coming but thank god for a good insurance company and a low deductible.....

Was in a small fender bender earlier this week. To be exact I rear ended car during rush hour in the freeway. No major harm done other than my car getting its front pushed in. We where all stopping and I was probably not going faster than 5-10 miles an hour when it happened. So no big deal other than being a pain in the ass to logistically having do deal with. I'll be in a rental for about 2 weeks as that is how long they expect it will take to fix it. Good news is that I used to work for my insurance company so I am getting well taken care of and am in a better than decent car - no little shit box - and although its red ( one of my least favorite car colors) its just an inconvenience. Best news no body got hurt. In some ways surprising it does not happen more often given the number of cars on the road. This would be my first accident in over 21 years of driving so I think I have a pretty good track record.

We're more than ready. Ran another 12 today and did 8.5 on Thursday. Able to do it with energy left over so I'm feeling great about the race in 3 weeks. Next weekend we will do 14 miles again. Feeling really good about "being back" but until I've been able to loose some weight will I start thinking about doing a full marathon, but that will happen in due time.

yeah! I ran 14 miles today. We did the actual 2nd half of the San Francisco marathon route and then some, as that is the race we are running at the end of July. I felt better than I expected. Hectic week at work and not enough sleep, so was a bit dreading the run. But it felt way better than  had expected. At the end I had energy left and could have gone further. Feels good!

And I just got my new couch delievered. Ordered it back on February but it has taken this long to produce.

Looking forward tonight when I'm planning on snuggling up in my new couch and watching a movie.

OK. My home alarm is now installed. The day after I came back from vacation someone tried to climb in through the window of my neighbhour. He woke up, thank god, and the guy ran off. I live in a pretty upscale neighbourhood that isn't even close to areas one "should avoid" but I guess that is why they come here. Even so my neighbhour brought over a friend who own a home monitor system to have a system installed and I ended up getting one myself. I grew up never thinking about needing to protect my things and after 21 years in the US it sill isn't part of my normal way of thinking. Now I'm going to be reminded every time I leave and come home to my house. Overall I think its a good thing to do but also not looking forward to being reminded about it every day. Hopefully before long it will just become part of my daily routine and I will not give a thought to it.

Did my second 12 mile run. I brought some goo and it made a world of difference. I'm excited about the progress I'm making but like everything else there are ups and downs.

I also did my 3rd IPL laser treatment today. I'm trying to get rid all the brown spots in my face. Not that many but enough "since from my youth". Sunbathing without sunscreen etc. The first 4-5 days after the treatment I look a little creepy as all the dark pigments that are under the skin are initially way mor visible. Looks a little like I have coffee grains under the skin all over my face. But its for a good cause as I can see the improvements every time. 

music, music, music....

August will be a great month for music. I just got tickets to go and see Michael Buble at the HP Arena and my FAVORITES the Weepies in an acoustic concert at the Fillmore. The venues could not be more different but I know I will thouroughly enjou both. Fun thing is that they happen within days of each other. Something to look forward to indeed.

I've taken several workshops with Midori over the years. I have wanted to take her rope dojo but unless I'm in a relatioship it makes no sense as I would forget all about it unless I practice it. Just realized that there is one coming up in July but it is sold out, I absolutely understand why it is so popular. She is an aweseome teacher.

Off to run 12 miles.....

Although I had a great time in Stockholm I am also very happy to be back. I am over and over again realizing how much I love my job and how incredible lucky I am to have it. It was great to come back and I leave most days feeling energized and appreciated, excited about the impact I am having and where the company is going. I am also loving my house although currently its significanly more messy and cluttered than what is good for my soul. Something to put on the to do list but not this weekend. I am off to take a class in BBQ-ing today with a competition BBQer (if that is a word). Tomorrow I'm running 12 miles with my running buddy, which is the longest I've done for quite a while. I"m excited about the progress I'm making in my running and look forwared to the the race I'm doing in end of July.

On my way home from work last night I stopped for a massage appointment. My neck has been bothering me and my legs felt a little tired, so I wanted to get the blood flowing through them in preparation for the run on Sunday. I almost fell asleep during the session despite the fact that she was going pretty deep with her elbows and thumbs. Overall it felt great and I slithered back home and into bed afterwards. I love massages. I love the fact that your entire body gets attention. I fondly remember one of my previous partners who was trained in energy work and massages. I do have a portable massage table with all the trimmings at home. He would give me massages almost nightly. I would often fall asleep and wake up finding him kneeling next to the massage table waiting for me to wake up. Those were quite wonderful moments.

 I just received the above message from a 21 year old dominant female looking to build a stable of elite generous submissives. Part of me thinks it is quite cute - if you by cute mean immature, slightly delusional and plain old rude and inappropriate that is.....

Just got back from my trip to Stockholm. In one word I had an AWESOME time. A was a total tourist visiting my favorite places. My mother had suggested that we go running around the canal in downtown Stockholm were I would run in the mornings as a teenager. It is probably one of the prettiest places in the world to begin with, the sun was shining and the weather was a little windy, perfect running weather. As I was running memories from the +100 times I've done the same run along with other experiences around the canal I've had growing up came flooding back. Again awesome. I had made plans to meet just the right amount of people. Typically when I go I run around like a headless chicken wanting to meet as many people as possible, leaving me exhausted. Not so this time. I got to spend quality time with the peolple that really matter to me. My half brother surprised me by flying in for just one night to have dinner before having to get on a 5 am flight the next morning. I had lunch with two ex boyfriends and by now long term friends. I have known both of them for more than 25 years, and it felt sweet, real and very life affirming to spend time with them. One is still single while the other is married with 3 kids. Chances are that they will come visit me which would be great. I also got to spend significant time with my oldest friend and her family, which was the main reason for going home, and we had an absolutely amazing time together. The summer also arrived while there so most of the time it was sunny and warm, and those long summer evenings where it never gets dark are just wonderful.

The flight home went well and was pretty uneventful. I always feel a little melancholy when I arrive at the airport after having been away on a trip. It feels a little lonely to not have anyone pick me up at the airport as it reminds me that I am not in a partnership with someone that I can share my life with. Having said that though my life is in many ways as good as it has ever been. Overall though coming home felt great. I am looking forward to going back to work feeling rested and energized.

Looking around my house there are so many things that needs to get done. I have a list of projects a mile long to get things around the house organized they way I want it to be. A house boy who loves to be of service would be great ;) My issue is that I am not going to let anyone in to my house that I don't know fairly well and I have coe to realize that accepting service from someone that I am not attracted to on an emotional and intellectual level is not comfortable to me. It makes me feel as if Iam a pro or playing a role which to me is completely contradictory to my attraction to the lifestyle, as being dominant is something I am not something I do.

I ran 10 miles today. In the big scheme of things not very far, but for me the longest I've done for quite a while. I felt better than I thought I would. Will have a good nights sleep I'm sure. Off to Stockholm in a few days. Pretty much every day is planned while there but seeing less people than I typically do, as I did not want to run around like a headless chicken but instead spend some realy quality time with a few of my closet friends and family.

Pathetic or just weird and a little sad. I just realized that collarme deletes any mentioning of any other lifestle websites. I wrote out the full and an abbreviated name for another sites that starts with F, the word keeps just getting deleted. I wonder what they are afraid of and how to justify not allowing people even mentioning other sites. Sad I think and makes me think even less of this site.

My trip to Stockholm is less than two weeks away and I'm getting really excited. This morning I had a long conversation on Skype with my best friend making plans for my visit. Among other things we went through the long laundry list of things that her kids wants me to get for them ranging from Ray-Ban sun glasses for her oldest son, to lotions and fragrances for her teen daughter from Victoria's Secret with names like "sweet tease" and "pure seduction".We did giggle over those names as we didn't think this was overly appropriate for a 13 year old but when I asked her daugher (who is also my god daugheter) if she new what either of those names mean she told me she didn't - so I guess its OK ;).

Back to daily exercise and am really happy about it. Yesterday I ran 8 miles and it felt great. The San Francisco Half Marathon is over 2 months away so it should not be a problem.

I decided to delete my profile on other lifestyle website other collarme and . Over the years I have been quite disappointed with the quality of men who have contacted me online. I want to continue to remain open to the possibilty that the man I'm looking for might find me online but at this point way less willing/interested in spending much energy online. The majority of the emails I get are onliners from men who clearly have not bothered reading my profile asking me questions that are completely inane given the content of my profile. It has been a very long time since I communicated with anyone online that came across as an intelligent and accomplished submissive who clearly was looking for the same thing as me and was making the effort to get to know me. So even if I acknowledge that the internet is a great way for people to connect I am also way more doubtful that this will end up being the way in which I find my lifepartner.

Finally filed my taxes. I have procrastinated until now for no good reason. Between Federal and state it ended up being a wash so again no good reason for not doing it until the last minute.

Had another pretty fabolous weekend. Running with my running partner on Saturday morning. We've signed up for San Franciscio 1/2 in July and am exited about the fact that I will be running with my friend every weekend between now and then. Don't end up spending a lot of time with her unless we are running together. She is one of my favorite people so looking forward to having more time with her. Had dinner with another friend down in San Jose at a place called The Boiling Crab. I would say it was an experience and my fingers are still discolored from peeling all the seafood with garlic butter and seasoning. Pretty yummy but not much atmosphere, as in not at all. Today I went for a hike with my best friend and then we had dinner, before I had to drive home and finish my taxes.

After todays hike my body is feeling nicely tired and I expect that I will sleep like a baby until the alarm goes of at 4:30 am and its time to start the week.

Had an amazing day. Went for a 10 mile hike with a friend at my favorite trail on the peninsula, Purissima Creek. One thing I really love about the trail is that there for much of it there are different streams just next to the trail. Because of all the rain there was more water than I can ever remember and the sound of flowing water was really loud - i find tht so incredible comforting and good for the soul. It was also perfect temperature - not too cold and not too warm.

When I got home I BBQ a beer can chicken and had a lovely dinner. I started on my healthy eating regimen last Monday and just made it through the first week. I feel as if I am in a great place. I like who I am as a person, I love what I do for a living and am feeling trusting that I yet again will get back to the lifestyle of heatlhy eating and exercise that makes me happy. Overall being me is not bad.

I moved from Stockholm to the Bay Area 21 years ago. While living in Stockholm I was not even aware of the fact that this was a lifestyle, it was just how I related to my partners. I have always been dominant and all my relationships as far back as I can remember had an element of service and power exchange although back then it was not an explicit thing. 

Most if not all of my partners incuding my ex spouse, have had strong need to please and serve me. It was not until 10 years ago that I came across D/s as a lifestyle and since then I have only been in relationships where this dynamic has been explicit. For me this has never been just about "what happens in the bedroom" but rather how we interact with each other 24/7.

My friends would often ask me, how do you find these men who are so nice and attentive?  I don't get a attracted to a man unless it is clear from the start that he derives personal satisfaction from knowing that he is pleasing me, regardless of how. Men who are looking to be made to do things are completely unappealing to me. It is all about proactively offering to serve my needs that warms my heart.

I am going to be in Stockholm for a few weeks at the end of May , early June and would be open to meet with some people who are in the lifestyle. Not with a desire to play but rather to just find out more about what the D/s community in Stockholm is like.

After all these years I think it would feel very strange to talk about the lifestyle or kink in Swedish but would be willing to have a go at it if I connect with some pleasant and genuine people.

I'm in love - in love with Pandora.

Not a girl but the app on iPhone. I have created a station based on Dave Barnes by favorite artist. Through Pandora I came across Jesse Bonnano and the song "Never Alone"

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It touches my heart as it feels like a reflection of the level of committment that I tend to make when I have opened my heart to someone.

I know it is almost 2 years ago but when I hear songs like this I still think of C. Despite now knowing that he never felt about me the way I felt about him - or rather how he made me feel - does not make my feelings any less real or impactful. Although he has made it clear to me that he did not feel that my actions after him breaking up with me felt as if I was supportive of him and that he has any desire to have any type of contact with me, it does not change that this was my intent and that I was willing to support and be there for him.

Given that he had no interest in being with me my desire/intent is obviously neither here nor there, but what I still feel good about is the fact that it has not changed my willingness to committ and be open. I have no knowledge of this but I can't imagine that C is single, as I expect he meet someone new a long time ago. The truth is that he was just not that much in to me.

My challenge is that I do meet very few men who I feel the kind of attraction,  chemistry and compatibility that I felt with C and I rather be single than compromise. Right now work and my life is keeping me incredible energized and busy so I don't get the chance of feeling any acute sense of loneliness but I am also aware of the fact that every day life feels more alive and vivid when you share it with someone you love. And I would love to be able to feel the energy and excitement I feel right now with a man that I have the same kind of connection I felt with C. But until I meet him I will focus on remaining open to the possibility and hopefully serendipity will do its thing and make it so...

Fantastic day. Brunch with a close friend in the morning. A 10 mile hike in the afternoon around Lake Chabot. Perfect weather with the sun glistening on the lake. Got my nails done and am now haning out on my couch drinking tea and enjoying a fire. Am having some cold smoked salmon for dinner and then off to bed. Feel refreshed and ready for next week, and loving my life.

Haven't been online for quite a while. Looking over my last few entries I realize that for the last few months its been all about work - which is true. Having said that though, I am enjoying it even more than I thought that I would. After last week I think I am in a place where I have set things up in  a way that I will be able to expand my energy to not just include work.

I have been getting up betwen 4-5am each morning for the last few months and this morning was the first time that I slept in (meaning I got up at 7:30) and I can tell my body needed it. This is the first weekend since I started my new job that I am not planning on doing any work. I'm having dinner with some friends tonight, going hiking tomorrow and then having dinner with some other friends. Between that I will squeeze in running errands and getting a thai massage.

As I woke up this morning, refreshed from a good nights sleep with vm's from two of my closest friends waiting for me, and having breakfast on my couch in front of the fire with my cat o nmy lap - I had this really strong feeling of just loving my life and realizing how fortunate I am with having a great job, great friends and a home that makes me feel grounded and at peace in. Its good to be me!

My new position has kept me amazingly busy these last 3 weeks. Having said that though, I am simple loving - everything about it - the work , the people - this has the makings of my most exciting position ever.

Just realized this weekend that Christmas is around the corner - well I've known it but haven't put any energy in to bringing the Christmas spirit into my house - well that is what today is for. Going out to get my tree today. I love the scent of a fresh tree. Reminds me of my childhood. It will be intersting to see how my cat reacts to it - as this is my first Christmas with her. Ho, Ho, Ho.....

Exhausted but feeling great. I passed the PMI certification exam this afternoon. I have been procrastinating for as long as I possibly could to study for it as it is the kind of learning that I truly dislike - memorization. Given that I start my new job tomorrow is was the latest I could get away with doing it.

I celebrated by getting myself two new shirts from the Thomas Pink store in San Francisco. One for passing the exam and one for the new job. I absolutely love their store they are known for their colorful and bold shirts and ties. Walking in to the store is almost an orgasmic experience seeing all the colorful men’s shirts and ties. I am more than happy about being woman but in that store I sometime regret that I am not a man as the selection for men is much larger than that for women. Even so I made out alright.

Now I'm going to get a restful evening and a good night’s sleep before I start my new job tomorrow. I am really looking forward to it, it’s always exciting when your life is about to begin a new chapter.

Had a great time celebrating Thanksgiving. I was not the only one who had some pretty major stuff to be thankful for. My cheesecake turned out great. I've added a photo of it to my profile as it does not seem to be possible to add a photo to a journal entry - at least as far as I can figure out.

I'm studying for an exam I'm taking on Monday night. I've been putting this off for as long as I could and now my back is really against the wall. Given how deadline triggered I am I should be OK but I imagine that the last couple of days will be seriously stressful. But again I am well aware that I brought it on myself.

On a completely different note. I love this song.

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Much to be Thankful for.

A few days ago I accepted an offer for a position that comes incredible close to being my dream job based on where I am in my career - and for that I could not be more Thankful.

What I also realized after receving the offer is that it was somewhat bittersweet. The fact that I am still single and have not been able to meet a man who is as crazy about me as I am about him is something that I continue to struggle with. I think every day life becomes so much richer when you share it with someone and the fact that I did not have anyone to share the great news about the new position was, well, bittersweet.

Don't get me wrong, I have some pretty amazing friends and family, who could not be more supportive and happy for me. And who have been actively supportive during these last few months of recruiting - which can probably best be described as being on an emotional roller coaster. But the fact of the matter is that this is not the same as having someone around who's day to day is closely intertwined with your own - so again the word of the day is bittersweet.

But Christmas is just around the corner so maybe this year Santa will give me what I most wish for - a loving, witty, smart, compassionate service oriented Submissive who will become my loving life partner - because this year I have been really really nice - interspersed with some naughty thoughts I admit but hopefully Santa will be able to look past that ;)

I'm off to celebrate Thanksgiving with some very dear friends of mine in a little while. I'm bringing a new york cheesecake with a cranberry/cointreau topping that I made for dessert.

My custom made corset arrrived today. I love the way it looks. Now I just need find a reason to wear it ;)

I also got tickets to see the new Harry Potter "the IMAX experience" on Friday afternoon which I am really looking forward to.

There might be a lot to be thankful for come Thanksgiving - or at least I hope so.

"Fuck you too" was the brief and to point message that I just received from seeking4LTR. As this is the first communication I receive from this guy I am needless to say a little confused what he is meaning by "too", the "fuck you" I understand the meaning but not purpose of. Unless he is adding to the comment sent to me by Russian110 recently. People are complex aren't they. Another one to added to the "blocked" list.

I did not write the following but it was so compelling that when I read it over 5 years ago I saved it in a file as it so resonated with me. Unfortunately I do no longer recall the source of it but again it does not make it any less relevant or compelling - to me.

"Volunteer. Volunteer. Volunteer.

Now, let me reiterate: you're *offering*. Not demanding, not insisting, not getting your ego wrapped up in her acceptance of your offer. If she says no, *live with it*. If she doesn't want what you're offering, don't get offended. That's not enhancing the dynamic; that's getting in a snit because she's not playing along.

So, keep all that in mind, and go volunteer!"

Boy is it raining. It was so loud that it actually woke me up at 6 am this morning. Unfortunately I have used up all my  logs so not able to light the fire place. So candles will have to do until I have time and inclination to brave the weather - these are one of the times when it would be nice to have a little servant responsible for making sure that I always have logs at home. I'm meeting a domme friend for tea later this afternoon so I will make sure to stock up on logs when I'm out with her.

Yeah. Ran 9 miles today. The longest I've done in quite a while. Best part is that I was not overly tired so 10 miles here I come.

FUCK YOU

That was the short but to the point message that I just received from Russian110. He is a 39 year old slave from San Fransisco. He just joined this site today. With those communications skills I predict he will have no problem finding the dominant woman that he claims to be looking for.

Happy Birthday to Me!

Who said that some men on this site do not have class?

Here is a lovely message that I just received from "chauveepig" - and he is a pig alright

"Ask not what I can do for you. Ask instead how your three worthless female holes can serve my pleasure. Until I blow a load in you and get bored with you then you can fix me some food bitch."

I am sure his classiness and style will just win all the ladies over. You can just sense his intelligence, maturityand dominance oozing from just the few lines he wrote - extraordinary. The ladies in Denver Colorado who have the pleasure of coming across this lovely man are lucky indeed. But since he also seems to be open to online romance and he has already shown what amazing talents he has in that department the online community are in luck as he can grace women far and wide with his impressive ability to charm and make a lady feel truly special.

http://quizfarm.com/quizzes/Sex/poeticthinker/do-you-have-an-inclination-for-bdsm/

Just did the quiz above.  The results sounds about right. I have no interest in playing with my partner in public nor do I get much satisfaction from watching others. There are a few exceptions. Watching Master Hines scene with his wife is pretty special as they clearly have a spritual connections with each other. Makes it almost a little uncomfortable to watch as it feels very private. Degrading my lover is also something that has zero appeal to me. The sadist part is a little interesting. Yes I do like to inflict strong sensations, that some people would call pain, but only if my partner is able to erotisize it. If not it does nothing for me. I am more excited about the mental aspect. Luring my partner into wanting/needing things he never thought he did or is a tad embarrased about wanting. Now I am all over that.

You Scored as Dominant

(((Note: This quiz doesn't cover all aspects of BDSM due to the length that such a comprehensive quiz would be. I chose to keep it sex-based because the psychological reasons behind fetishes are complex and different for everyone to some degree.))) Sex is about power and you like to be powerful. It's nice to be in charge and get what you want. And being in a position where people will do what you say is exciting.

YEAH!

I have outlook 2010 on my desktop. When I set that up and linked my email accounts to it it also copied all the emails in my inbox. So despite all emails being gone from the yahoo server they are still in my outlook. So they are not lost after all. I still don't have a clue how it happend that they all got deleted but even so what was lost in now found.

I HATE YAHOO!

By accident I deleted all yahoo messages on my iphone. When I realized that I had done this I went to the trash folder on my iphone  - empty!!

I only have 50 of the latest message showing on my iphone but when I accessed my yahoo account from my laptop my entire inbox, consisting of over 2000 messages going back quite a few years is empty, and again nothing in the trash folder.

WTF?

How can the iphone delete messages that I have not even highligthed for deletion , as they can't even be seen? Even if I would have said delete all, would that not be limited to the 50 messages that I can see on my iphone and how come they are not in the trash?

Looking at the iphone again I am just getting more and more confused, there isn't even a "delete all" button, so how in the world did I go end up deleting all these emails? I know I selected a few specific emails for deletion but again how did all of them get deleted? GRRR..

I've spent the last 45 minutes trying to figure out how to contact yahoo customer service, well there does not even seem to be an email address that I am able to access.

I realize that all the messages are most likely gone which is terrible upsetting and trustrating as there was a combination of personal email that it will sorely miss and professional emails that I really need.

Grrhhh, I hate computers.

My birthday is coming up shortly - October 31st to be exact. I will be 47. A  time to reflect on where life has taken me so far and where I would like to take it next. As always I am having my closest friends over for dinner. They are all married so I am the only single one. I do hope that this will change between now and my 48th birthday as being single is not the life I want to lead. I have always found that even every day experiences become more meaningful and rich when you have someone close to share them with. But I also realize that there is nothing sadder than feeling lonely and not connected with the one that you are with. So for now all I can do is to try to not let all the many disappointing connections I am having with men with less than stellar integrity or self awareness, and work on keeping myself open to the possibility that the "one for me" is out there. To the universe I say, "hear I am"

Just ordered a new custom corset from Meschantes. I have gotten corsets from them before and they do a really good job. The model I decided on is the Evangeline.

What I am less sure about is the fabric. I am choosing between two different ones that are both in the magenta/fuschia family as that is my favorite color. One is a little "sweeter" than the other.

Would be interested in hearing back from the few of you who actually read my journal which of the two you would recommend. I have posted a new photo of the actual corset in one of the options as well as a fabric swatch of the second option. 

I am having dinner with a friend tonight who is going to take my measurements to make sure it will fit nicely. Meschantes does a really thorough job in customizing the corset and there is alist of 11 different measures that they want you to provide them. I am going to submit those and the fabric choice tomorrow. After I've done so I will delete the photos of the fabric/corset from my profile.

Just came back from my first Bikram yoga class in over 2 years. It went much better than I had feared. Typically when I've been away from it for a while the first couple of weeks are awful. I get dizzy and nautious but this time I did not feel so bad.

Yes it is true that although my brain remember all the poses my muscles did not. There where quite a few that, despite my brain sending signals on what needed to be stretched and lifted  - the response of my muscles was simple - you must be kidding!. The 30 pounds that I have gained back over the least 2.5 years is most definitly also a factor but it is what it is and it won't deter me from pushing forward. The good news is that I expect that I will see some pretty rapid improvements if I just stay with it. Although I hate and struggle with heat, bikram is great when it comes to calming the mind while at the same time giving me a super great workout. My plan is to go 3 -4 times a week for the next few months.

Later this afternoon I am going for another run in the city. My goal while I am not working is to work out twice a day on most days - to take advantange of the time I have available to quickly get back in shape again - to make sure I make this hopefully short period meaningful and productive to me both mentally and physically.

Great weekend. Spent Saturday on a sailingboat on the bay with some friends watching the Fleet Week airshows. I went on a 15 mile hike on Sunday that took us to a peak above Pacifica and all the way down to the beach where we had lunch while watching the awesome waves. So overall a pretty lovely weekend.

I've been thinking about the way people choose to communicate online, and quite frankly I am seriously underwhelmed and disappointed. Don't get me wrong I realize that the internet is allowing for people to connect with others who they would otherwise never be able to meet. For us in the lifestyle I think it has been overall incredible positive as we typically do not walk around carrying signs. I have two very close domme friends who both met their now husbands online. So I know it can work.

Having said that, it is also true that it makes it easy for people with less than stellar integrity and manners to show up as anyone they want to be, and not necessarily who they are, in the comfort and safety behind their keyboard.

Take the man that I was communicating with a few weeks ago. He initially expressed a sincerely and deep commitment to a life of service and submission. Even said he had invested the time and energy to see a therapist to come to terms with and understand his need for this kind of lifestyle. My warning flags where many but the first one was when I asked him to send me a photo of himself with his cell phone it took him an awful long time to do it. Initially claiming there was something wrong with his phone and when I finally got one, it did not show his head but just neck down. Chances are that it would not have been the same face that he initially sent me. He claimed to own a business, doing similar things to my own profession, but when I asked him to speak more about what his company did, how he ended up doing this kind of work and what the name of the company where, he became unable to in any way express this in an articulate way, leading me to believe that there was no way he was actually telling me the truth about his circumstances.

I did share with him that I was having serious doubt and did not feel that we had an intellectual and emotional chemistry. He initially asked for patience on my part but then went ahead and changed his alt.com profile from submissive to now being an experienced dominant looking for phone fantasies etc.

I also exchanged very few emails with another man over the weekend who for some reason right away decided to become sarcastic and snippy. I just wish people would be a little more courteous and careful in communicating online - and not say things in writing that they would not be willing to say should they be face to face with the person they are communicating with. Not sure I succeed all the time but that is at least what I strive for. Right now I am not feeling very optimistic about my chances of meeting my future life partner online but at the same time, as long as we don't start wearing signs I don?t think there are too many other option in spotting that powerful, intelligent, mature and dedicated submissive who will become my life partner so I will just have to persist. Show patience, which is not a strong point of mine, but what choice do I have. What is true however is that my BS meter is turned up quite high and that if I see any signs of dishonesty and passive aggressiveness any spark that might have been ignited will die a very quick death.

Tough week.  Good news is that I'm beginning to develop some good structure to my day. I am excersicing daily, sometimes twice a day. I finally weighed myself for the first time in 6 months. I am now carrying around 180 pounds which means that I've gained 30 pounds in the last 2,5 years. More important than the weight is the athletic lifestyle. I am feeling cautiously optimistic about being back on the right path. Given the stress regading the job search it will be a challenge to stay on it but I'm doing what I can to surround myself with structure and support to make it happen. The goal right now is to take one day at a time.

I'm going to the Folsom Fringe tomorrow with a domme friend. I am not going to the play party or Folsom Street Fair as I am not really into that. The Folsom Fringe has a number of really interesting workshops that I am looking forward to attending.

I'm excited.  I just came back from running with my long term running buddy. She and I trained for and ran Napa Marathon together 2.5 years ago. We ran together at least 3 times a week and spent hours and hours together. I so like her, she is smart, funny, driven and sometimes have to high expectations on herself ? a lot like me come to think of it ;). After I got injured she also fell out of running. We ended up not seeing each other very often - both missing the other. We had dinner last week and decided to start running together again. She works from home 2 days a week and as long as I am not working we will run during the day on Tuesdays and Thursdays. After I get back to work, we will run in the evenings like we did last time around.

Today was our first time and it was great. We only did 5 miles but it was one of my favorite runs on the city. From Fisherman?s wharf along the Embarcadero to the bow and arrow and back. We are definitely slower than we were, but both of us feeling excited about "doing it together" again.

There are few things that make me feel so alive as working out ? and I am so excited about getting back to structured exercise plan.

I miss having a structure to my life now that I am not working and creating one around my exercise plan feels like a great thing for me. I have also decided to take an 8 week MBSR (mindfulness based stress reduction) class starting next week. I?ve done this before and I don?t know any better way of getting back to my meditation practice than doing a class like this. The phases of my life where I have been able to commit to a regular meditation practice I have always felt the most centered. Given my current circumstances I think that the class will be extremely beneficial, and I look forward to putting energy and attention to it.

Actually, if money was no object I would love to become a MBSR teacher. I can think of few things more satisfying than supporting people in the process of developing tools to live their lives in a more mindful way. I have taken several day longs with Jon Kabat-Zinn, the founder of MBSR ? one of the most inspiring Buddhist teachers that I?ve ever met.

 Currently MBSR is primarily offered through hospitals but I think it would make great sense for companies to offer classes to their employees. I actually put together a plan to do this at my former employer. I worked with a certified MBSR teacher to develop proposal that would offer weekly classes during the lunch hour where the company would pay for half while the each participant would pay for the rest. Initially there was support/interest but then they decided to not support it as they contracted with another company to offer a number of different wellness programs ? MBSR not being one of them unfortunately. Again not much money to be made but would be a very satisfying way to spend my time.

Your Mother and My Mother

Fear is the cheapest room in the house.
I would like to see you living
In better conditions,

For your mother and my mother
Were friends.

I know the Innkeeper
In this part of the universe.
Get some rest tonight,
Come to my verse again tomorrow.
We'll go speak to the Friend together.

I should not make any promises right now,
But I know if you
Pray
Somewhere in this world -
Something good will happen.

God wants to see
More love and playfulness in your eyes
For that is your greatest witness to Him.

Your soul and my soul
once sat together in the Beloved's womb
Playing footsie.

Your heart and my heart
Are very, very old
Friends.

(The Gift: Poems by Hafiz, translations by Daniel Ladinsky)

A weekend of extremes. I saw the latest Stieg Larsson movie last night. Being Swedish I always find it engaging and calming in an odd sense of way, to watch movies on the big screen in my native language.  Many of the actors in the movie are very well known actors and I could not be more proud of being Swedish. I have read all of his books but I still can?t get over how scary they are. Even though I knew how it would end the suspense was killing me, it felt as if my heart was in my throat the entire time and I was moving around in my seat during the more scary bits. I was almost relieved when it ended.

Today I went to see Eat, Pray, Love. I was happy when it was over as well but for a very different reason. I thought it was boring and shallow. I have read the book and thought the story was quite engaging and thought provoking.  In particular I found the description of the man she met in Bali quite compelling. It was a while since I read it so don?t remember all details but I recall that he was described as a man who ?needed a woman to place in the center of his universe? and I remember thinking of him as a man dedicated to service and devotion ? which makes me swoon. Well there was nothing about it in the movie. No one can argue with Julia Roberts being stunning but there was nothing interesting about her or any other character in the movie. The only good thing I can say about it is that it will not give me hard time to fall asleep like the Stieg Larsson movie did last night.

First things first. I had an amazing time at Kauai. The highlight of the trip was definitely the kayaking trip along the entire Na Pali Coast. We met at 5:45 am in the morning and were not back until 8:30 pm in the evening. So a very long day but so worth it. Amazing views and I just love the combination of beauty and physical exertion combined ? heaven to me. I also had a great time with several all day hikes that I did without meeting many people as I started out earlier than most, I also loved the zip lining. On a whim I decided to also to powered hand gliding which was pushing the envelope for me as I am, after a bad experience of flying in  Grand Canyon, have a fear of being in small airplanes. The company I went with was called birds of paradise ? you can look them up on the web if you care. Powered hand gliding is essentially a trike motorcycle, with a hand gliding wing attached to the top ? difference being that you are sitting on it 3000 feet up in the air. It was considerable more stable than I had feared and after a while I was able to even fly the darn thing by guiding the wing. Having said that though this is an experience that I am not going to look to repeat any time soon. I think the major source of disappointment was that the weather did not allow for them to fly across the Waimea Canyon and the Na Pali Coast so instead they flew along southern Kauai to Poipu which I think was not all that interesting. Don?t get me wrong it was gorgeous but not what I had hoped for.  The only complaint I have is that Kauai is definitely not a place for foodies but I would go back for another trip in a heartbeat. I spend 0 minutes on the beach and never used the snorkel equipment that I rented as I was busy doing the things I loved doing.

I am also happy to be back at home. I love my house and the life I have here, which given my current situation says a lot of my mental state of mind and coping skills. I am looking forward to the next phase in my life and am excited to see what it has in store for me.

Just made reservations do to a kayaking trip along the Na Pali Coast and ziplining. I also have planned on doing  some hikes including Hanakapi'ai and Waimea Canyon. So what started out as relaxing doing nothing on the beach vacation  is turning in to a quite active vacation - which tends to be what happens when I am left to my own devices. I am seriously looking forward to the experience though as I really could to with some serious me-time in relazing and beautiful surroundings.

My position is getting eliminated and I am leaving my current company at the end of July. Although I am in the process of applying and interviewing for new positions, I fully expect that finding a new position that is a good fit will take quite a while.

In trying to wrap up my many projects by the end of July I am currently crazy busy with work. I know that when August rolls around I will need some serious down time to recharge. Ideally I would love to go away for a week. I usually do not go for the lay on the bach vacations as I like to be active but given how tired I think I will be the thought of hanging out for a week inthe sun doing nothing sounds like the perfect thing to do.

One dilemma I have is that I need to conserve money given that I am not sure how long it will take to find a new position. One of my best friends have been unemployed for over a year and a half, not for the lack of looking. But at the same time I really need a break. The fact that I will be travelling solo also puts some restrictions on where I would be comfortable traveling on my own. So between work and exercise I will try to figure out a happy medium between needing a good rest and not spending too much money doing it. In the meantime I can only imagine hearing those waves ....

Had a great day yesterday. Started out running 8 miles with my run group along Ocean Beach and the golden gate park. Shortly followed by a 13 miles hike along the bay ridge and coastal trails starting and ending at the Beach Chalet. At the end of the day my body was tired in that great relaxing way and I went to bed early and slept amazingly well.

The only cloud in the sky is that I am beginning to get some early warnings of plantar fasciitis. There is tingling pain under both my feet. I am dealing with it by icing and stretching as well as taking ibuprofen. I have made an appointment with my podiatrist in 2 weeks to have my orthotics checked out as they might have to be adjusted. I did run 18 miles outside during the week in addition to doing 15 on the elliptical trainer - I think that is part of what is causing the pain in my feet. I am heavier than I should be right now and that can sometimes bring on the plantar fasciitis. So trying to nip it in the bud.

This morning I'm off for brunch with one of my best friends and then on to running 6 miles.  Another great weekend for me. And I am starting to look towards the future. The next few months will be a bit rocky and bumpy ? but I do feel good about being me and what I have to offer as partner.

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I've turned a corner.

I am still having moments of feeling sorrow but the big change is that I no longer seem to take it personally or think that his choice of actions (or non action) is a reflection on me. So I am no longer beating myself up for not "being good enough" etc. What changed? Nothing other than the way I'm thinking about it.

I do find it quite interesting that most of what in our life causes us to feel bad actually never happens. Or rather there is an event of some kind - what makes us feel bad is not the actual event but rather how we think about what happened. For me it is that tape that plays in the back of my mind saying that I am not good enough, not nice enough, not pretty enough, to little of that, to much of this. It is when I don't pay attention to the fact that it is that voice that is at play and impacting how I feel about myself that I get myself in to a funk. On the contrary when I pay close attention to and am curious about that voice - I find that I am able to actually discern what is true and not true. I also have the ability to take action to reframe how I think about an event and subsequently how it makes me feel not only about myself but also what actually happens. It is when I do that that I am in a better position to take action in a way that is compassionate and productive and stop that cycle of beating myself up.

And that is what I have been able to do for the last week and I feel very good about it. The fact that I have not heard from C in part feel as if it was expected. He did say that he was afraid he would do "it all over again" almost telling me that he had already decided that he would. Why he choices to behave this way and do nothing to change the way he acts really needs to be his job to find out or not. My job is to understand what drive me to do what I do. And over the last week I feel as if I have been placing my attention and energy appropriately.

I actually feel very good about who I am and how I have handled my relationship with C. I don't mind being a person who tends to keep my heart open and be willing to work through challenges longer than most. I like that about myself - I am not a fair weather friend or partner. I think I am able to infuse humor and wisdom on that process and again I feel good about that. My challenge is to find that man who I on the one hand feel seriously attracted to and who in turn feels like his life is much better with me in it, and who is in also able/willing to keep his commitments even when it is hard and to treat me with the compassion and respect that I deserve. But I am not giving up. In the meantime I will continue to get myself and my life ready for the type of intense and intimate relationship that I am seeking.

"If equal affection cannot be,
let the more loving one be me"
                     WH Auden

Do I feel lonely - yep. Do I have intense feelings of longing - yep again. But I am able to say given all that what is the right thing to do? - and then I go do it. I can't really explain what caused me to turn the corner but am just thankful that I did. I continue to also hope for C that he gets to a point where he thinks that he is worth behaving like the kind of person he writes about being in his profile and talks about wanting to be; as it is only then that he will be able to develop the kind of relationship that there is no doubt in my mind that he seriously longs for - he is just not willing to act on it yet - for whatever reason.

I on the other hand am completely willing to take that journey - I just need to meet that man who is willing to do it with me.

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I am proud and reassured over the skills I've developed over the last 10 years. One of the key learnings for me is that I am much better at asking for help. Yesterday morning when I was feeling as if my anxiety was taking over I called my therapist to see if she by chance could see me that day. As luck would have it she was able to make an extra appointment for me at 5 PM yesterday. That went a long way to get through the day and I had a really good but challenging session with her. She got me to look at myself and what is driving me as opposed to C. One thing she kept repeating to me is that regardless of what he says and writes about the nature of relationship that he wants and desires he has, his actions show that he in reality does not want it - or rather that he is not doing anything to make it possible - that for some reason he has made the decision that this should remain a fantasy. What she thought was really telling was that he after seeing his therapist for 8 months he has yet to tell her about the fact that he is kinky nor has he mentioned me (according to himself). To hear that makes it quite clear that learning how to develop a mature and intimate relationship is not yet something that he wants enough to actually start acting like it  - regardless of the story he is telling himself.  More importantly there is NOTHING that I can do about that as much as I would like to. 
So not a fun session but extremely productive.

Needless to say have not heard from him.

If I would talk to him he would be the first one to agree that he is flawed and appologize yet again "it was never my intention to hurt you" and "I told you I would", " told you I was not worth it" etc. The sad part of it is that he is not yet ready to accept that everything he does is a decision - so when he says "I never wanted to hurt you" it is language to allow him to distance himself from his actions and instead see himself as just a victim and that acting in another way is outside of his control. He  will never be able to change this side of himself unless he stops seeing himself as the victim. But the good news is that if he decides to do it he can and will - he just don't want to yet.

We all have a choice and at the end of the day we make decisison on how to act and more importantly NOT to act regardless of wether or not we want to take accountability for the impact we are having on ourselves and others.

I am the first one to realize and acknowledge that this is easier said than done and that when setting out to change the way one acts and thinks one also have to allow for a large dose of compassion against oneself for not being able to always "do the right thing" but unless one starts with taking a firm stand and instead of trying to find or hide behind excuses one starts asking oneself other quetions "what will it take for me to..." and then take the first step on that path. Or at least that is what has worked for me, and it is the path that I continue to travel.

To his "defense" though,  after breaking off with me by email last July,  he has not pursued me in the least. I am the one doing that. He has repeatedly told me that he is too broken to be with me, told me that he does not want to continue communicating with me etc. So what I need to focus on is what about him keeps me "hooked" and work on that. Because hooked I have been and am - but I am working on it. I think a key reason for me is that one of my most important arcehtypes is that of the nurturer and care taker. And when we meet last year he pushed all of those buttons - he not only told me but also showed me that he felt safer with me than with anyone in his life, told me that when he was with me "he did not feel broken" and even when talking this week he on the one hand tells me taht he will share things with me that he has never told anyone else while at the same time say he can't be with me.  And in our subsequent communications he, despite also being very clear about not being in a position to pursue a relationship with me "he thinks about me all the time" and fantasizes about how amazing we woudl be together. Unfortunately that is enough for my "protector" and "caretaker" personality to kick in in full gear. Thinking that there are things I can do and say to make him feel less scared, better about himself and show him a path to getting what he describes that he wants. So again, I do not in the least want to make it sound as if he is a "bad guy" this is all about me having a need to "not let go" of the hope that I can help him - that is what I need to sit with.

Although I am extremely sad I am doing OK. I also appreciate all the supportive and encouraging emails that I have been getting from folks on this site. I also continue to get the really nasty and inappropriate ones - but that is what the block function is for.

I am STRONG because I've been weak, I am BEAUTIFUL because I know my flaws, I am a LOVER because I'm a fighter, I am FEARLESS because I've been afraid, I am WISE because I've been foolish, and I can LAUGH because I've known sadness!!"

Someone quoted this but did not know who initially said it - but to me it sums up the possibility of the human condition - that until one acknowledges fully the way things are one cannot truly be free from fear (or at least not let fear rule your actions)

Do I feel free today - not so much. It should come as no surprise to anyone who has read my journal that it has do to with C. We spoke on Wednesday for the first time in 10 months. For me the attraction and chemistry was still there. It sounded to me as if he is spending as much time thinking and fantasizing about me as I about him. Unfortunately there is where the similarities seems to end. Because where I am willing to try he is not, as he says he does not trust himself to not do the same as he did last time. He did say he wanted to continue talking and committed to "not bolting" until we talk again (baby steps) but was not comfortable setting up a time to talk or meet in the future.  I realize that this is not the whole truth. My sense is actually that as of yesterday his energy and focus is spend on communications with another woman on match.com and not on wether or not he wants me in his life. I realize that between the option of getting back together with me, and having to work on rebuilding trust etc, it is far more exciting and tittilating to pursue someone new with whom you have no bagage and who knows nothing about your "dark side". I get that - but it still hurts like hell.

I also feel a little foolish. Being the nurturing Domme that I am, based on our conversation on Wednesday,  I made some inquiries yesterday to see if I could line up some resources for C and I to talk to and who would be able to support us, should we have decided to try to take a shared journey on building a D/s relationship. Sitting her knowing that that is not at all where his attention on the one hand makes me feel a little foolish but at the same time makes me feel good about the kind of person I am. My committment and dedication to taking care of my potential property and also in helping me set boundaries for what I belive is needed in a potential relationship. But again, just because I feel good about how I am handling this does not mean that it does not hurt like hell to be rejected once again. Having said that I would do it all again if I was given the chance.

I have these intense fantasies about doing an atonement scene with C.  Based on how physical and overwhelming his fear is I think that a key way for him to learning how to deal with and process it in a more productive way is not to talk about it but to experience it fully as part of intense but controlled scene but again that is just me talking. I think it would be healing and cathartic for both of us but even if I would offer I don?t believe that this is something that he would be willing to do as he at this point does not even want to talk about the potential of meeting in person. The truth of the matter is that this could just be a simple case of him not being all that in to me afterall although I am struggling with accepting that.


My heart remains open to him as I don't feel like I have a choice given how he deeply he touched me. What I do have some influence over is how I handle it and I try to be as compassionate and gentle with myself as I can. When I feel sadness over the potential that I think we had, and that he for his own reasons does not want to pursue a relationship with me but instead wants to seek someone else with the hope that this person will not invoke his flight response the way I obviously did, I touch my heart and allow myself to really feel the sadness I feel and how much I desire an intensely intimate relationship. It is hard to simple acknowledging and staying with the sadness as the rest of my body wants to act, to do, to fix but the fact of the matter is that I can do nothing other than to be with it and care for myself in the process, despite the fact that it kills me to know that he instead things he will be "better of" with someone else.

Right now I am doing a pretty good job at taking care of myself despite of it all. As of a week ago I am back on my structured exercise and diet plan - which feels great. The best part about it is that I enjoy it, and feel good about taking care of myself by doing things that makes me feel good as opposed to beat myself up for not feeling great. So there is definitely gratitude there for the way in which my practice supports me. But I have to admit that I do feel so lonely....

I am not going to hang out anyone by name but below are copies of some of the messages that I have received in the last few days.  I would say on average that the ratio of supportive/pleasant to inappropriate/rude is 2 to 1. Although I am not at this point willing/able to pursue a relationship with a new partner I do appreciate the friendly and supportive messages that I receive.  

Are you familiar with and capable of being throat fucked
       51 year old CA Dominant Man

What takes the cake in terms of inappropriate however is the following message
"Hello Ms Freya:
I very much liked your profile, but because of some personal issues (a very sick significant other), I am not currently available to serve you in the manner that you deserve. However, depending on the result of this situation (it does not look great), I may be completely freed up in the relatively near future......  I hope to begin a dialog with you if you can tolerate the fact that I'm in a situation that is difficult, may last a while, and, at least currently, offers little certaintude."
    48 year old LA Submissive Male

~Hello, I'm not approaching about a relationship inquiry. I just want to say that I was touched by the story of your last relationship and nurturing yourself. It is probably the most human thing I've read on here. I wish you luck in finding that special someone you're looking for.
        27 year old NY Submissive Man~
Hello Ms. Freya,

You honor me. You really put yourself out in your profile. I have never seen such a complete profile in any of the sites.
I empathize with you over your recently ended relationship. I am glad you are healing. Any man who would say goodbye to you deserves to be without you. Remember how great you are and how much he will be missing.
I do not think it is unfortunate that commitment comes with your heart. I think it is very fortunate for you and the receiver of your heart. The man you deserve will cherish that. Wow --- You are a woman who wants to work through the issues! Yea!
You are so beautiful and powerful. I already see myself at your feet, kissing your boot   
55 year old CA Submissive Man

Also, I woke up this morning with a second email from the older gentleman I mentioned I my previous journal entry. I am not going to include the entire message but here is a snippet.

?Dear M,
Life is too short to let quality, found, simply fade to black.  So we will "talk" (email) when time expands to allow - And we will meet again - and enjoy it so much.  I'll look forward to hearing more of your stories, sharing some moments, feeling your warmth.?

I so love communicating with a man who is witty, articulate and chivalrous. In this case I also find the fact that he is ?pursuing me? from a place of friendship is to some extent even more flattering to me as at the core I think our biggest need is to be liked and accepted simple for who we are, without anyone wanting anything from you other than spend time with you. 

~
And while I am on the topic of friendship. Not sure if I mentioned this in a previous journal entry or not but over the last 8 months or so I have rebuilt my friendship with the man that I dated before C.  We ended our relationship about a year before I met C. We had a very tumultuous relationship. Fundamentally I think we were just incompatible from a relationship and D/s standpoint but there was enough ?to like? about each other that we really did our best in trying to overcome the issues we had as a couple. Eventually it became very clear that we were simple not ?doing it for each other? on too many levels. Chemistry was not great, degree of desired intimacy ? completely mis-aligned, introvert vs extrovert, desire and role of D/s and kink in the relationship not a fit. He with strong flight instinct and me with an equally strong fight instinct ? but despite all this we soldiered on, much I think out of mutual respect and overall like for each otherm,  and in the process made each other quite unhappy as neither of us where meeting the others needs and feeling frustrated about not getting what we wanted or being ?seen and accepted? for who we where. It was sad when it ended but also a relief and I think we both felt confident that we had done all we both could do to make it work but is simple didn?t ? and no shame in that.  He needed a long time to deal with the anxiety and stress that the relationship had triggered in him, but last year we connected through email and then met in person for dinner.  We very quickly explicitly acknowledged that neither of us had any desire/interest in pursuing a romantic relationship with the other and from there we have slowly but surely developed a friendship that I could not value and appreciate more.  Instead of focusing on what he is not ? I am simple enjoying him for all the lovely things about him ? and don?t find myself in the least thinking or paying attention to the many aspects about his that made him not a good lover and life partner for me. We only meet to do things that we both really want to do and enjoy and so each interaction is just a great time. One of our shared interests is food and we have shared many a great meal at some of the finer restaurants on Oakland and San Francisco.  I could not be happier about him being back in my life as a friend and again when I?m with him I do not even reflect on the fact that he once was my boyfriend as there is not a fiber in my body that has any desire to be anything but a friend.  He has become a very special person in my life who I truly treasure. Last week we had dinner and he told me that he had met a woman with whom he had so far been on 2 dates and ?still seem to like?.  I could not be happier for him as I really want him to find a woman that truly fits him and his needs and I will do whatever it takes to support him in that ? we will see over time what if any impact this might have on our friendship- but again I will keep my fingers crossed that this works out for him.

So to conclude I will repeat the words from the email I received this morning ?Life is too short to let quality, found, simply fade to black? as I could not agree more.  This is always how I have approached life and the relationships that I have tried to maintain with my ex-boyfriends and ex-spouse.  Loving well is really the only goal in life and when you meet people who touch your heart I always try to maintain contact even if the nature of the relationship over time changes. If one treats each other with respect and compassion during the relationship and potential subsequent break up there are very few reasons for why one could not over time end up becoming close and supportive friends.  Admittedly it takes some maturity as you have to deal and overcome with issues of hurt feelings and pride ? but for me at the end of the day it is so worth it.

I had such a delightful experience last Friday night. I went to hear the Oakland Symphony play Beethoven?s 9th, Ode to Joy at the Paramount Theater.

To my left sat a very elegant and distinguished looking gentleman who I guess was in his seventies. We started talking. Turns out he is very engaged in the East bay musical and theater scene. His wife is a member the symphony chorus which he just resigned from after being a member for over 15 years and the reason he was there by himself was to enjoy the performance as well as see his wife perform. He had just gone through a hip and knee replacement but his potential lack of mobility did not show any evidence of having in the least impacted his mind and sense of humor. He was simple delightful company. An amazingly charming man, with conversation skills that in our generation are rare, excellent old school manners and grace. Knew exactly how to give me compliments that where personal and appropriate given the circumstance (He for instance pointed out to me that he had noticed that I had very lovely hands). I so enjoyed our little interaction. At the end of the evening we properly introduced ourselves with our full names. Even so I was both surprised and very flattered to find an email from him on Sunday. He  figured out how to spell my last name (not straightforward let me tell you, it took my mother several years after I got married to get it right) and must have goggled me and found me on linked in end emailed me through his account there. He wanted to thank me for being great company and invite me to attend a theater event with him and his wife later in the season.

Meeting him brought home some lovely old memories. The first man my mother dated after she got a divorce from my dad was a man probably 20 years her senior. He was an accomplished author, movie director, patron of the art  and photographer.  He was truly eccentric, and although not good relationship material, in the eyes of this 16 year old, one of the most interesting people I had ever met. The stories he would tell. Their relationship did not last but ours did he used to say that the best thing coming of their relationship was me.  He and I would "hang out" for many years after their stopped seeing each other ? and my mother was wise enough to be fully supportive of this. He would get a kick out of showing me off at different type of openings and galas introducing me to all kinds of fascinating and creative people.  I will never forget the dinner he treated me to on my 18th birthday. We went to the restaurant at the Stockholm Opera house (which is a spectacular place). I had rabbit for the first time in my life and we drank champagne. That evening one of Sweden?s most famous opera singers, who was a personal friend of my companion, was performing (hakan hagegard). During the intermission he came down and serenaded me at my table. Experiences like that are hard to beat or forget. Instead they stay with you and at the time made me feel like the most special person in the world.

I had my own armchair at his house where many a night was spent talking about life, his past my future. He always made me feel as if I was the most interesting person he had ever met and he always supported all my dreams and goals.  Over the years we have stayed in touch but it has been quite a few years since I last communicated with him.

Meeting the lovely gentleman on Friday night made me again think of my first older companion and how important he was to me and the impact he had on forming the person I became. A very sweet memory indeed.

Kitty Kat has now been living with me for a week and we could not get along better. She is a confident, extremely social and interactive cat and I just love having her around. She follows me around like a dog but also lets me know when she has "had enough" so a little bit of feisty is fine with me as long as she remembers "who's the boss"

Went to the Northwest Leather Celebration on Saturday. The first Lifestyle event for me in a few years. It felt very inspiring to be around people who regardless of appearance are comfortable being open about their lifestyle choices. Several workshops that were inspiring as they focused on the long term D/s relationships and the committment that it takes from both parties to make them work. Especially inspiring was a a presentation by Daddy Ken and slaveboy team on "Coping with Depression in M/s relationships". slave time suffers from deep clinical depression and post traumatic stress syndrom wich frequently renders him quite incapable of day to day activites, which signficanlty impacts his ability to serve his Master. They spoke about the degree of dedication to understanding his illness and how to jointly manage their relationship in accordance with the limitations created by the rythm of his illness. When he is down he is not able to serve his Master and it often takes an enormous amount of understanding and patience on the part of Daddy Ken to support and care for slame tim when he is going through one of his down cycles. Many Masters would probably have walked away and looked for someone who is more consistenly meeting their needs and less high maintanence - but they have a love for each other and a committment to remain together. In hearing them talk it really touched my heart as it reminded me of C, and how he walked away from a relationship with me in part because a fear of not being able to meet my needs and in disappointing me. I would have loved for him to hear that there are relationships out there where the love and committment to each other is stronger than any challenge that a couple might endure and that being imperfect in some ways does not prevent you from being perfect for someone.

I put my cat to sleep yesterday. Over the last 4 days she declined significantly and making the decision became easy, as it was clear that it was the right thing to do.

A friend of mine came over to share the experience with me which I very much appreciated. She was lying in her favorite spot in front of the fireplace with a roaring fire going. It was fast and peaceful. The vet administered a sedative to make her calm and then medication to stop her heart. After the second drug her heart stopped beating within 10 seconds.

The overriding feeling right now is relief ? in the knowing that this was the right thing to do as her health had deteriorated to the point where her quality of life was becoming very poor. I had many sweet moments with her and will think about and miss her from time to time but she had a good long life and I feel, more than anything, thankful for the time we had together as I think we both enjoyed it.

Going through a rough patch. My vertigo came back over Christmas and it is still lingering which has slowed me down considerable. It is not as bad as in the past but all my energy is going towards managing the daily dizzyness and when evening time comes around I am simple exhausted. Working out is also a challenge as it seems as an elevated heart rate also elevates the dizzyness. I've been to see a neurologist and he has taken a bunch of tests but most likely it is caused either by some crystals in my inner ear being dislodged or stress - both likely candidates. The crystals can be treated through some specific maneuvers by a PT but very few have expertise in these particular maneuvers and I have been waiting for over 3 weeks for an appointment.

Since last summer I have gained an additional 15 pounds and I am feeling really awful about that  - especially since the dizzyness is preventing me from pushing myself physically and my go-to sooting method when I am feeling unhappy is unfortunately food.

I am having a constant struggle mentally to not give in to cravings and some days I win and some days I loose the struggle.

I am also realizing that the wounds from the brief and painful relationship with C last summer is not yet healed. As a result I don't think I am ready for meeting anyone new. I am simple still to hurt from how he acted towards me and for now I don't think that I am feeling strong enough to be able to trust a man when he says he cares for me and wants to be with me. I have some pretty major issues around abandonment and rejection due to past relationships and the way C decided to end our relationship and subsequent actions really pushed those buttons. Why was I so easy to leave? Why did he not think his life was better with than without me? Why was I not good enough? He would probably say that his actions had nothing to do with me but with him, but at the receiving end it sure feels as if this was about me as that little nagging voice inside me still says "if you had been good enough he would not have left you".

Although I am feeling lonely and am missing a life partner - I think that I am right now need to focus of getting healthy and rebuilding the healthy and active life that I used to have and love.

Baby steps......

Just came across a book by Ms Rika called "Uniquely Rika".

I think the book does an outstanding job at laying out what real life D/s looks like on a day to day basis and how to make it work and what not to do.

I also really appreciate her definition of submission as it completely rings true with my own. She writes

"True submission is not about what the dominant partner does TO the submissive partner. It's about what the submissive does FOR the dominant."

The only part of the statement that makes me cringe a little bit is the use of the word "true" as it is one of my pet peeves when people use that word to describe something that is a personal opinion and not universal truth. Either way I think the rest of the definition for me is spot on.

She goes on to explain how this is different than the type of "submission" many men especially online have in mind where they will list what they want to have "done to them" or what specific sexual acts they want to do the dominant as a sign of their submission. In my mind there is nothing submissive about that. I suspect based on my own experience that most men who lurk around online are actually not submissive at all. What would probably better describe what they are looking for is to sexually bottom to a woman or to be topped by a woman - and there is nothing submissive or service oriented about that - or at least to me there isn't.

Don't get me wrong I see nothing wrong with people being interested in just bedroom kink. What I do have a problem with is when men try to "sell themselves" as something they are not or lack self awareness and knowledge about that their desires and intent really are.

Ms Rika provides a list on specific ways in which a submissive can go about making life easier for the dominant - which again is a basic tenant in her book about the foundation of the power exchange - and I could not agree with her more as unless a man is committed to making my life easier and he gets excited and satisfaction from proactively findings way to do this we are definitely not a good fit.  The list includes things that I think most men on this site have not even thought about - like recharge the dominants cell phone each night and prepare a weekly menu and review it with the dominant for approval, track food usage and make sure the kitchen is always stocked - as none of them are of a sexual nature but more about how to live a life of service.

The same day that C sent me the first email about wanting to never see me again (4 months ago) we had talked on the phone that morning about him starting to journal daily. He told me he could not wait to get going. The first assignment was to start writing down all the ways in which he wanted to serve me - over the next 60 days as we got to know each other better. I would have loved to see what would have ended up on that list.

I also love her writing on discipline. Just like Ms Rika I have no desire to be with a man who needs to be disciplined in order to "behave". I want an adult with self control who is devoted to serving me where I can trust that he keeps his promises and commitments. Not someone who wants to "be made" to do things to me that is just silly role play and drains my energy rather than fuels it.

Again really happy I found this book as I will recommend it to any man who contacts me and have him tell me what his reactions to the book is as unless what is in it resonates with them we would just be wasting our time should we continue to communicate.

Joy!

Early this year I thought I had lost some jewelry (I wrote a journal entry about this). Sunday morning I found it laying in the "pocket" on the passenger side of my car. I was waiting for someone who was running late and thought I would take the opporunity to throw out some broschures that were laying there. And when I put my hand inside to take it out I also felt the jewelry. It was a bracelet and 2 diamond rings. I always place the ring on the bracelet when I take it off to make sure they are all in the same spot. I had taken them off in the restroom at the Sportsbasement in the Marina as I was changing to go for a run. I placed the jewelry in my purse - which I always do - and after placing the purse on the passenger seat it must have fallen over while driving home afterwards resulting in the jewelry falling over and inside the "pocket" in the passenger side. In looking for it in the car a few days later for some reason it never occured to me to look inside.

Words can not explain how happy I feel about this. Not that they pieces are overly expensive but they all had emotional significance for me.

Despite good intentions things don't always end well.

2 months ago I met and started dating a man who contacted me on b.com. We had what I thought was amazing potential - as we seemed to be compatible on many levels. Initially we would talk for hours each day, sharing our dreams, desires and wishes for the future.

Unfortunately the relationship ended up not working out as what was initially expressed ended up not being the reality of our interaction. We ended up not being able to connect on an emotional and spiritual level but quickly became more of activity partners which is so far from what I am seeking.

Fundamentally he did not want the type of committed and intimate relationship that I wanted - or at least not with me. He also realized quite quickly that the type of kink and D/s that interested him was only sexual (bedroom kink) with a dollop of chastity (which I love). But anything related to D/s and service was something that held no appeal to him - which made me feel less than cared for as this is a fundamental component for me. In many ways he was the complete opposite to P which made the difference even more jarring to me. He was also an extreme introvert while I thrive on conversation and exchange. He would take me expressing my wants and needs as personal critisism, instead of being interested and curious about me he would become quite defensive - which made me feel completely disconnected from him. The ironic but sad part of this is that most submissive men would love for their domme to be specific in how their submissive can best make them happy as this in some ways makes their life easier. But with history in hand it is quite clear that he was neither a submissive or interested in power exchange (other than sexual that is). Nor was he all that in to me. 

I had a hard time wrapping my brain and heart around the discrepancy between my initial hopes and fantasies of the potential vs the way the relationship was playing out in reality thinking that me staying with it would soften his heart and lessen his fears - but that did not happen.

We (or rather he) broke up - saying it was too much pain to take - 4 days before we where supposed to go away on vacation together. Which left me feeling rather empty and also disappointed although I was rather sure that it was just a matter of time until one of us would throw in the towel.

I quickly had to scramble to figure out how to spend the week of PTO and ended up having a pretty amazing time after all. I went to Yosemite for 2 days and then did 3 days of river rafting down the Tuoloumne river including doing Cherry Creek which is the most challenging class V+ rapid that they run commercially in the US. I had an amazing time but have to admit that there were moments of sadness in the middle of all the amazment, feeling a profound lonelieness and how much richer the experience would be if I had someone to share it with while at the same time feeling good about myself for not just curling up in a little ball, feeling sorry for myself.

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Breaking up was the right thing to do as we where not able to act as a couple nor where we looking for the same thing but I realize that I will feel sadness until I meet that man who truly wants to get to know me and who shares my desires for a D/s based relationship. I contiunue to feel intense compassion for him and wish nothing but happiness despite him wanting nothing to do with me but that says more about him than me. And I miss many things about him.

The fact that my periformis injury still has not healed and have not been able to run for over 4 months is also contributing to my somewhat depressed state of mind. I could sure do with some TLC. And boy, do I miss being a couple.

I'm running 26.2 miles tomorrow and yes that is the marathon distance. My training program, which makes an awful lot of sense to me, have us to the full distance 3 weeks before the actual race which is March 2nd.

I have already done 20 miles this week and am really looking forward to tomorrow - weather is supposed to be great. I just created a pace chart that shows my projected time at each mile. I am going over to kinkos later today to get it laminated.

When you run for this long my experience is that you need to come up with a bunch of different things to keep your mind occupied and engaged as it can otherwise easily become quite boring. The cards helps as it breaks down the race in smaller chunks. I am also running with a woman whos compan I really enjoy and we have not so far run out of topics to converse about.

I am still feeling quite disappointed over the relationship mess from earlier this week. I did get a message from him the other day apologising and acknowledging that he has anger management issues. Unfortunately I think the apology is more about him feeling good about being verbally abusive than making me feel better as that harm is already done. I am just going to move on and let him deal with his deamons. What it did confirm for me is yet again that sarcasm and a bad temper is definitly a deal breaker for me. I want to receive and give kindness and love albeit with a twist as I can seriously get into administing pain if my partner can erotizise it but that is another topic for another time.

I am sad. I never loose things and I don't own a lot of nice jewelry anymore - which is why it saddens me even more.

Last week I changed into running clothes at the Sportsbasement in the Presidio. I also took off my large silver bracelet (first piece of jewerly that my ex husband gave  me), a diamond eternity band with 2 special made white gold contemporary guard rings and a white gold diamond tension set ring. When I take the rings off I always string them on the bracelet as it is a solid cuff style that clasps. Instead of putting it in my purse I must have left it there. I didn't notice until the morning after that it was not in my purse and by the time I called them they did not have it in the "lost or found". I guess this means that someone else had found it and decided to keep them.

I loved these rings primarily for the emotional value that they hold. Also, I can't really imagine replacing them as it does not feel the same buying jewelery for oneself it being given to me as a sign of love.

So I will just accept that my fingers will be bare for the time being but I am really really sad and also somewhat frustrated with myself for not taking more care.

Just came back from a 13 mile hike through the redwoods - not as tired as I had hoped but it was an amazing trail and parts where quite hilly and challenging. I am also down 23 pounds so things are looking up (or down depending on how you see it). I love my new lifestyle and after 3 months I think it is safe to say that is have now become a routine.

My "helping friend" disappeared from the scene. Probably a new women on the horizon - can't blame him. I was the one who decided to stop seeing him and he seems to be putting in a lot of effort and energy on meeting a woman. Either way I wish him all the best and am appreciative of the help he gave me 2 weeks ago.

I am really loving my life!


It is now 6 weeks since I started following a new food regimen and also being more structured about excercise and I could not be happier about it and how it is going.

I am now at a point where instead of feeling tired after working out I feel energized. Following my eating plan has also beeen super easy and not once during these last 6 weeks have I had a craving or desire to do any unplanned eating. I know I was mentally ready for this lifestyle change but am still amazed how effortless it has been. If I follow my food plan I am supposed to loose on average 1.75 pounds a week and after 6 weeks I am slightly ahead of schedule and on track for loosing all the weight I want by Christmas. Can't imagine a better way of starting the new year. It is also slowly sinking in that this is the way I need to live for the reast of my life as opposed to having it just be a diet. And I am feeling good about that.

I just came back from the gym after working out with a trainer which felt great and I look forward to the soreness tomorrow and on Monday. I am also doing a 9 mile hike tomorrow which is my new favorite way of spending time with friends. So I'm gushing about my new lifestyle - which was pretty much the way I used to live until 10 years ago and it really feels as if I am finding me again and I could not be happier.

If I could now only meet a man who wants to share this life with me things would be wonderful but in due time I am confident that this will happen.

Next week I have my last tattoo appointment. On the one hand I am really looking forward to it being completed but also feel a little melancholy over it being done as I have enjoyed going through the process of seeing it  develop.

Being me is quite lovely!

A 3 day weekend - how great is that! I'm having friends over later in the afternoon to bbq and play rummicube. I have to admit that I really do enjoy playing board games with friends. It is such a great way of socializing. I hate having friends over to watch a movie as it pretty muc closes down any meaningful and fun communication. While you play a game the conversation continues.

I am also really happy about being able to cross the boundary of lifestyle and vanilla friends as our of the 2 couples coming over today only one couple are in the lifestyle. The funny thing though is that I think people on the outside would have a problem identifying which one was which as in both cases the women are definitely  more in charge than the men - I guess it says more about the type of women I enjoy as friends ;)

I also started to work with a nutritionist a few weeks ago to get on the road of a healthy lifestyle to allow me to loose weight and develop good eating habits. My goal is to be able to get back in to running marathons and in order to do that without reinjuring myself I need to loose a fair amount of weight. I am now eating every 3 -4 hours and it is the first time that I have introduced snacks in my daily eating habits. My favorites are 4 dried apricots, 6 almonds and a baby bel cheese round or 20 mini rye crackers and 2 tbps tomato basil hummus from Trader Joes's. 

I make my snacks and lunch every morning and bring to work. My ex-husband used to make my lunch every morning and for some reason getting on this program has made me think a lot about him although it is now 5 years since I left him. I do not in the least regret taking the initiative to end our marriage as this was the right thing do to.  And I am very thankful that I, despite the fact that he ende up not dealing well with that in the end, have nothing but fond memories of him. I see too many people bad mouth their ex's and for some reason it just makes me feel sad for them. I prefer to think of my ex the way he was during the majority of our relationship as opposed to the break up period as I think one needs to have compassion for people doing all kind of strange things when they feel hurt and afraid.

So back to his lunch preparation. He was in many ways such a sweetheart - with a really strong service submissive side - which I love. He would make my lunch every morning and not let me be in the kitchen when he did so - so that it would be a surprise each day for me to discover what he had made. Our marriage was not based on an explixit D/s dynamic so this was something that he volunteered to do not something I ordered him to do - which to me in hindsight makes it even more special. And I have to admit that I would love to have a man in my life who also enjoyed doing things like that for me - supporting me in developing a more healthy lifestyle without making it his agenda.

For most of my teenage and adult life I worked out every day without thinking twice about it. Since starting my career and getting tons of unjuires over the last 10 years I have fallen out of that habit - but it is my goal to get back to a lifestyle that I feel is more me and makes me more happy and energetic than the one I've been living lately. I belong to that crazy group of people who actually enjoy the workout and not just want to get it over with. Again a partner to share this journey with would be very special. Having said that I don't want to be with a man who does not think that I'm hot as hell the way I look now and where I will have to worry about having to look in a certain way in order to get his affection and attention - I know there are men out there like this as I have had the fortune to meet them in the past - and hopefully there is one of them on this site - because all I am looking for is one man, that special exceptional man who I will love with all my heart.

Now time for a run before getting ready for my friends this afternoon.

Chucks. just as I was about to leave for my run I realize that my garmin forerunner 305 has stopped working. It was just fine the other day when I downloaded my latest info on my computer. And now it is just all dead. I hope it might just need a new internal battery or something as that thing has become somewhat of my safety blanket and I have used a heartrate monitor for many years. Would have to have to buy a new one.

If anyone cares to find out what makes my heart flutter go to the "aroundherfinger" website. Some of it is quite juvenile but it comes very close to how I would characterize the type of relationship that I like to have with my partner.

The last 3 weeks have been amazingly hectic at work. Lot of changes going on and although my company is not handling it well  it is workling out quite well for me. Today is the first time I feel I have time to take deep breaths - and it feels wonderful. Despite being in the US for 16 years I am still not very good at remembering your Holidays. So it came as a great surprise yesterday when one of my collegues at work informed my that we have Monday off. So in addition to working from home today and taking it slow I also all of a sudden have one extra day off. I am looking forward to a slow and pampering long weekend in front of my newly restored fireplace with some good books and great food. The only thing missing is the attentive submissive partner and lover - but in due time that will hopefully also come along ;)

This week I had the pleasure of catching a concert with the wonderful James Taylor. Just him and a pianist - what a treat and delight he is. Next thing on the agenda is to catch the play Pleasure and Pain at the Magic Theatre in San Francisco. Now that would be a wonderful date with a submissive man ;)

Overall it is quite great to be me.

I had my first voice lesson last night. Used to sing when I was in my teens and every now and then over the last few years I've been thinking about picking it up again.

I thought it would feel a little awkard after all this time but I could not have been more wrong. I absolutely loved it. The whole session was burned on to a CD. Listening to it I have to admit that although I will not be an Eva Cassidy any time soon I sound better than I thought I would. The part that I feel the most happy about in listening to the CD was to realize that I throughout the lesson was laughing a lot, and hearing how genuinly and completely I was enjoying the moment.  

If I could only meet the man with which I could "create some sweet harmony" that would be great as I have such longing for someone to share my life and every day with. It's funny it is this time of the year that I feel this the most profoundly.

On the calf front I am still hobbling and the hematoma from the tear is quite evident. I have a doctors appointment tomorrow to make sure everything is OK and healing as it should.

I didn't write the section below, Anthara (from an other website with bondage in its name ;) did but as this summarizes to a T what gets my dominant juices flowing I thought I would just post as is. So here it goes?

Volunteer. Volunteer. Volunteer.

There is very little hotter to me in D/s than a sub offering up *more* control than I demand. *more* vulnerability. *more* service. It's ridiculously nice.

Now, that being said, there is a pretty strong component of "topping from the bottom" that can happen in there, so let me be a little more specific on things that I like.

1) Predictive service. Don't assume you know what she wants, but show that you're paying enough attention to make an educated guess. After all, saying "is there anything I may do for you?" when she's tired and worn out can be just one more thing to have to think about, and really more of a burden, in the wrong context, or with the wrong inflection. If, on the other hand, you ask "May I bring you x that you would generally ask for in this situation, or do x thing that I know you like?" it's much easier for her - it's a yes or no question, and easily handled...and it also shows that you're paying attention to her, even when she's not requiring that you do so.

2) More vulnerability. The more open you make yourself to her, the more power she has. Simple. Very often, if there is a place that a submissive is very private or closed about, it's a place that even experienced ladies will think hard about treading on; there's a big potential for doing more harm than good, and a top worth going the extra mile for will know that. If you offer up that place to her, willingly, without being asked, it's an amazing thing. Not only will she be more likely to cherish it (at least in my case), but you may also find that she's gentler with it overall than if she had taken it from you. Win/win, to me.

3) More control. I'll just give a concrete example, and tell you what it did for me. I told my boy that if he were going to involve me in his orgasm, even by proxy (fantasizing), that I expected to have control over it. So, anytime he used me as wank fodder, he was expected to beg for the privilege of getting off. After a couple of days of that, he asked for permission even when he didn't have to; within a week, he simply said that he would like for me to have total control over that area, and would be happy to have to beg for any and all release from that point forward. HOT. HOT. HOT. Because he gave me more than I asked for, and went the extra mile to be pleasing and give me control.

Now, let me reiterate: you're *offering*. Not demanding, not insisting, not getting your ego wrapped up in her acceptance of your offer. If she says no, *live with it*. If she doesn't want what you're offering, don't get offended. That's not enhancing the dynamic; that's getting in a snit because she's not playing along. 

So, keep all that in mind, and go volunteer! 

Thoughts and feelings on a Sunday morning

I love classical music and opera in particular as it tends to surface strong emotions for me. I was listening to a Bach Concerto followed by a concert with Josh Groban this morning. The emotions that it brought forth were of longing. Longing for a deeply emotional and passionate relationship with someone whose desire for submission in a committed and long term relationship is equal to my desire.

When in love I adore deep and passionate kisses. It opens my heart and emotional connection with my partner. As if we are melting together - becoming one. In a D/s context mutual emotional devotion where we both treasure each other and our agreed exchange of power is what I long for.

This is why I don't find any attraction in casual play or kinky sex without a deep emotional connection.

PS. would be interested in hearing who your favorite singers of "The Prayer" are (by Carole Sager and George Foster) and why.

Folsom Fringe and Folsom Street Fair happens this weekend but I am in no mood to participate.  It also marks the one year anniversary of the day I released the submissive who was in service to me from his contract.

I did that for good reasons and have no regrets about doing so as it was truly in the best interest of both of us. But today I do reminisce about the good and sometimes great things about him and our relationship as I feel sad about not having met a man who is a better fit.

His anticipatory skills and the satisfaction he got from seeing how much I appreciated him for it.  Getting oil for the butcher block in my kitchen, installing a dimmer for the ceiling fixture in the playroom, purchasing extension cords and connecting poweroutslets to make it easier for me to adjust the lighting in the living room, serving me my special tea each night. The way he would prepare, serve and participate in dinner parties for my lifestyle friends. How much I loved having him on his cushion next to my feet while everyone else was sitting on furniture and how he freely participated in any conversation but how natural his behavior felt to everyone.

His intelligence and companionship. My fondest moments are of us having Sunday morning breakfasts. Me laying on the couch and being served coffee just the way I like it. How he always made sure that the food he served was arranged in a creative and pleasing way on the plate. And how he would enjoy my surprise and pleasure over the effort he made. Him sitting naked on his pillow next to my feet (as he was most often not allowed on furniture) wearing only my collar and doing the NY Times cross word puzzle and more often than not finishing most of it while I was still reading the paper. Him keeping his daily journal and how we both enjoyed talking about and dealing with the struggles he faced with his training to better serve me.

His dedication to making my life easier and more pleasant. Him building my St Andrews cross and his attention to detail making sure that it fit my exact specifications and needs. My dry cleaner to this day comments on how unfortunate it is that I don't have "my friend" picking up my dry cleaning anymore. How he would be standing by each night waiting to hear how he could be of service. And when asked to do so would come over and give me a relaxing massage without any expectations of any sexual rewards coming his way. And when done kneeling next to the massage table waiting for me to come out of my deep relaxation and sometimes nap. Giving me baths, decking out the bathroom with candles and insence, washing my hair, drying me and then rubbing lotion all over my body. He did it in a way that made me feel completely relaxed and worshipped, nothing mechanical about it.

And most of all, opening my back door and finding him kneeling outside at the agreed upon time, eagerly waiting to be asked to crawl through the door and going through our daily collaring ritual. Connection, trust, mutual appreciation and respect - simple wonderful.

Again, would not want to turn back the clock but am very much looking forward to meeting my future partner and in creating en equally loving, nurturing, strict and oh so fulfilling D/s relationship.

As my profile clearly states I will only respond to people who have made an effort in writing a personal and compelling message that makes it clear that they are seeking a committed D/s relationship and not just play.

Despite this I continue to get inundated with message from men who for some reason believe that this does not apply to them. And who gets snippy and rude over the fact that they would have to make an inital effort to catch my interest. A submissive who is not willing and able to follow simple instructions and who responds with anger and sarcasm when they don't get what they want is so far from any man that I would find compelling.

Below are messages I received that are similar to the kind of message that I get all the time. These messages makes me wonder  "what in the world were they thinking?" as it is clear that they either did not read my profile or just chose to ignore what it said - needless to say neither will receive a reply:

"Hello; sub male 6'0, 210lbs , 46, 38W, looking to be trained and owned for life. My yahoo IM is (name withheld). Have webcam mic, and speakers. I promise , respect, loyalty, obedience."

"I really enjoyed reading your profile and would love the chance to chat some with you.  I am a 41, s/w/m, 6'4", 200, br/br.  I am very much a submissive and know my place in life.  I have attached pics as well."

"may i kneel before your supremecy and beauty?"

"love your stockings"

"Hi how are you today and lovely profile you have and love to hear back from you and see how things go well i am very real and serious and love to serve you and be your sub well talk soon from x"

"Mistress...seeking fulltime...my photos are on..my profile kneeling jeff...are u seeking 24/7 ? "

"Good afternoon Mistress, I m a real slave, already trained. I believe in Female Supremacy and for me obey and serve a Mistress is  natural order. My first priority is to please and serve my Mistress, i have few limits and ready to learn from you. I can send picture and open my webcam if you wish in order to proof my sincerity. THANK YOU for you answer..... slave x"

"You seem perfect for me .. can we talk"

"Ma'am, i have been in this lifetyle from the age of 16, My first Domme was a 48year old woman who had got into bdsm while is US. i know a lot of people who are into this in india, i have learnt well but concept of 24/7 LTR does not exist here. people here are ok with session not with living with their owners. i seek this 24/7 live in kind and your profile seem to match what i seek in an an owner. may i humble suggest we meet up on chat and see if i am 1 percent of what you seek. who knows i might turn out to be what you sought? a chat will not hurt Ma'am that is all i say my id on yahoo is xxxx care to meet up with me there? Ma'am if it please you and is not too much of bother with to be in chat with me"

this one probably takes the top prize -

"I love what I see in you and I would love to own you and share you with my master after reading my profile if you can see yourself in the place or better yet between my legs send me two more picture of yourself and your yahoo address so we may talk more..and if anything just reply..."