Wow so we're collarspace now...interesting. I am still looking for that special Dom, I am not poly, nor am I bi, nor am I interested anyone under 40 ( might be persuaded to go as low as age 38, if you're exceptional), or over 55. If you are out of shape, not interested. If you can't control you, by controlling what you eat, you cannot control me.
Not interested in anyone out of state, unless you're able to travel to see me on a weekly basis. I don't do casual either. You need to be ready to be in a relationship, centered around our D/s...yes I will be your girlfriend, who is also your sub.
That should just about covers my list...oh and be normal, like to chat, be a geek and I'll adore you, wear a suit and tie and I'll worship you. That is all.
**4/24/2014 UPDATE-I have been diagnosed and medicated. I feel like a million bucks! Let the fun commence**
**I have recently found out that I'm very ill. I do enjoy chatting with some of you, but be aware that I may not be around as often and certainly not up for any dating. If you're keen to talk to me for a while then please do so. :) Otherwise, I'll catch you later
Update 1/12/2014-Thanks to so many of you who write at random to ask how I am. Just so I don't have to write individual responses, and I don't remember every single email I got, sorry, still no word on what's wrong. Just more appointments to poke and prod. I am in good spirits, sick but happy. Thanks again, I do appreciate your words.
3/10/2014 After getting asked for the millionth time where is my new blog, I decided to CREATE a new one. Not much there, but if you love the way I write so much, please read and be saited. http://maggalimagic.wordpress.com
**
You do not choose your destiny, it chooses you. And those that knew you before Fate took you by the hand cannot understand the depth of the changes inside. They cannot fathom how much you stand to lose in failure...that you are the instrument of flawless Design. And all of life may hang in the balance. The hero learns quickly who can comprehend and ...who merely stands in your way. Mohinder -
You should never have agreed to be a God for me if you were afraid to assume the duties of a God..
-Pauline Reage
While I know some of you will happily read the books that I write in the guise of a profile (and I thank you) . I am simplifying things a bit. Welcome to my profile.
About Me
1. Happy but human - I'm not looking for a knight on a white horse to save me. I don't mind the horse, the knight suit...but how about you just take me for a ride? I do have my moments when I'm human. I want the comfort of strong arms or a nice voice. If that's too much for you, then not the girl for you.
2. Affectionate - If I like you, I want to be around you. I will gladly sit at your feet, when I can. If you think of that as clingy or needy (as I was told by a Dom recently) , then I'm not the girl for you.
3. Until such time as you are MY Dom, I will not accept: Yelling at me, cursing at me, demanding photos (you're the bad ass, make me WANT to give them to you), demanding anything of me at all. I have been around those who inspire to do those things without a collar. Those are few and far between. Give me time to trust you.
4. Love to Laugh - Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke. I like to tease, push, test. If you're going to be offended, then I'm not the girl for you.
5. A hardcore geek - I cannot stress this enough. Not a geek? Of SOME kind? We will not mesh. My video games/programming/gadgets are a part of me. Only another geek understands this.
6. I will not like- if you are not chatty or Talk too much. When you're my Dom I HAVE to listen to you. Not before. Or I HAVE to accept your silence. Not before.
7. Honest- I expect the same from you. Omission is still lying. If you have 10 girls you're dating, let me know. I don't like drama or surprises. I hate emails from strange girls saying, 'You're fucking my guy...what gives." Truth always wins with me.
8. Devoted- I don't need 6 Doms. Just one. Maybe you..or you in the back with your hand up. Yes you! Once I have that Dom, I give him everything. You don't get that with one email, one coffee date, one phone call. Which brings me to number nine.
9. Present-I will always be where you can find me (this is even before I'm your sub), unless..I'm dead, someone has died, it's an emergency, it's the zombie apocalypse. What I want is someone who gives me that same courtesy. Even from the first email. Some of you email and I don't hear from you for weeks, then you pop in and want to take me out. Great..what's my REAL name again? Oh you don't know? Then who are you taking out?
10. A mom-My daughter ALWAYS comes first. ALWAYS. I am over protective of her. If I feel you are a threat to her in any way, I will cut off contact.
Photos of me are on that other kinky site that Collar Me strips out of profiles. Message me for where if you'd like to see them. No I won't send them to you elsewhere. Lastly, nice to meet you, you can call me Mag, like the gun.
"For Women Who Are Difficult to Love" - written by Warsan Shire You are a horse running alone and he tries to tame you compares you to an impossible highway to a burning house says you are blinding him that he could never leave you forget you want anything but you you dizzy him, you are unbearable every woman before or after you is doused in your name you fill his mouth his teeth ache with memory of taste his body just a long shadow seeking yours but you are always too intense frightening in the way you want him unashamed and sacrificial he tells you that no man can live up to the one who lives in your head and you tried to change didn’t you? closed your mouth more tried to be softer prettier less volatile, less awake but even when sleeping you could feel him travelling away from you in his dreams so what did you want to do love split his head open? you can’t make homes out of human beings someone should have already told you that and if he wants to leave then let him leave you are terrifying and strange and beautiful something not everyone knows how to love.
*Long Gone*
I've been talking about doing this and the more I think about the more I lean toward doing it and in fact I'm going to do it. Like right now.
I'm moving this journal to an undisclosed location, only to be revealed to those who ask where it is.? If you're a follower and want to keep reading then send me a message or email me (if you know me then you already have my email.)? In about two weeks from today I will not be here or posting here, will only stop to check messages and redirect.
Besos Mag
*Just a Crush*
OMG I so have a crush on a Dom friend of mine.? No he does not know this and no I will no be telling him ever, lol.
But it is a full fledged crush. In another life, were I single I'd be all over him but things as they are, he's just my friend.? But I find having crushes is extremely helpful to my mood and helping me write.? When I was younger, I hated it because I didn't know what to do with all of that wistful sighing and giggling. Now I can aim it at some really good writing.? So that's what I've set out to do today and so far so good.
Perhaps I'll give him writer credit once this is all done.? Imagine the confusion..um why is my name on this? Ironically I woke up to a Facebook friend request from my ex-boyfriends best friend.? I was reluctant to accept it because I know if they are still friends that means he'll put two and two together and voila instant disaster.? Well I shouldn't say that. I'm not the same person they knew me as. I dare say they came into my life just when I was starting to figure out things about me.? I also shouldn't call him my boyfriend either, it was more of a 3 year long tease that? ended in bad sex for me and really good sex for him and him following me around like a puppy for a year or so before I went ghost and stopped speaking to him.
Ah I so miss that girl.? She was very cutthroat and centered.? Been trying to figure out how to conjure her again and I almost have it some days.? In her place I do have this new me that's a whole different kind of powerful, so I'm working well with that.? I also spent last night talking with one of my subby friends. Was nice as we havent done that in a while.? We tend to give each other love and all of that when needed.? So in homage to that these lyrics are for you J.? J jokes last night that I was being real ghetto and the joke behind that is that we have the reverse going on most of the time. She's white and tends to get really ghetto and I'm black and I can walk the walk and talk the talk but I'm just not, lol.? So when I heard this song this morning I thought of her, but adapted it to fit.? It's sooo ghetto but I got mad ghetto love for you J, lol! (I had to alter these because it's filled with the N word, but she'll get the message.) BESOS my friend, laugh and enjoy and NEVER EVER listen to the original it'll ruin this.
Fuck them bitches, ha ha.
Fuck them other bitches cause I'm down for my sisters, what
Fuck them other bitches cause I'm down for my sisters, what
Fuck them other bitches, I ride for my sisters, what
I die for my bitches, fuck them other sisters, what
Fuck them other bitches cause I'm down for my sisters, what
Fuck them other bitches cause I'm down for my sisters, what
Fuck them other bitches, I ride for my sisters, what
I die for my bitches, fuck them other sisters
Bitch I'm down for No Limit, I ride for the cause
I'm the bitch on the tank with the big fuckin balls
And if anybody fuck with subby sisters ya?ll
I'm a make this bitch put her name on the wall
And everywhere I go I got my girls here
Because I know that bitches don't care
She'll have that red shit pourin out her hair
Bitch, any fuckin time bitch, any fuckin where
Make 'em bleed is the motto that I live by
If you fuck with my girls it's a must you die
Them bitches might run but them bitches can't hide
It's like shootin yourself, it's a suicide
Subby girls rock the beat, hittin hard like dirt
Bitches on the net know them as Big Hurt
No Doms required we'll put you in the dirt
And have your picture on front of a t-shirt
And when I make moves I got a hundred subby girls with me
Just incase a bitch out there tryin 'a get me
All my sisters is down to squeeze the trigger
That's why I'm down for my motherfuckin sisters!
Fuck them other bitches cause I'm down for my sisters, what
Fuck them other bitches cause I'm down for my sisters, what
Fuck them other bitches, I ride for my sisters, what
I die for my sisters, fuck them other bitches, what
Fuck them other bitches cause I'm down for my sisters, what
Fuck them other bitches cause I'm down for my sisters, what
Fuck them other bitches, I ride for my sisters, what
I die for my sisters, fuck them other bitches
What you aint heard why I ride for these sisters, I die for these subby sisters
Do a drive by with my forty five cause I'm down with these sisters
Don't shoot now girl just call me when you need me
Believe me, I never bite the hand that feed me
Just point them bitches out and I'll leave em all on the street bleeding
Bitch you fuckin with a grown woman
How I'm gonna axe you in your own house and buried you on your own land
See the cops is scared to come and get me
But I don't blame em cause they know I got a bunch of pissed off subby sisters
with me
Lookin for trouble, starting shit
I'm ridin solo and I'm bustin and gettin rid of your dick
See your boys ain't bout beefing
When you fuckin with girls, that'll definately get you internal sleep
But if you didn't get the fuckin picture [Gunshots] Bitch I'm down for my sisters!
[C-Murder]
Fuck them other bitches cause I'm down for my sisters, what
Fuck them other bitches cause I'm down for my sisters, what
Fuck them other bitches, I ride for my sisters, what
I die for my bitches, fuck them other sisters, what
Fuck them other bitches cause I'm down for my sisters, what
Fuck them other bitches cause I'm down for my sisters, what
Fuck them other bitches, I ride for my sisters, what
I die for my bitches, fuck them other sisters
What bitches, them bitches? Yeah girl,
you with it
No problem, let's get em, do em, I did em
We gettin nutty in this motherfucker (nutty in this motherfucker)
I got my buddy in this motherfucker, leavin a bitches bloody in this
motherfucker
We in the cutty motherfucker
You done done too much, you got it coming motherfucker
Lemme let you other bitches know (what's up)
Shit, fuck what you goin through and fuck what you stand for
[C-Murder]
Fuck them other bitches cause I'm down for my sisters, what
Fuck them other bitches cause I'm down for my sisters, what
Fuck them other bitches, I ride for my sisters, what
I die for my sisters, fuck them other bitches!
Fuck them other bitches cause I'm down for my sisters, what
Fuck them other bitches cause I'm down for my sisters, what
Fuck them other bitches, I ride for my sisters, what
I die for my bitches, fuck them other bitches!!!!
-M (tryin so hard to be ghetto and throw up some gang signs, Dragon Age FOOL!)
*I See Dominant People*
Ah been a busy week but after work tonight..well there is more work, lol.? But not as pressing as weekly work.? And this is the fun part of my job.? I'm happy to report a stead incline in my star status YAY.
So today while kind of relaxing because I managed to get EVERYTHING done yesterday in anticipation of seeing my Master, but game called on a count of rain, so I had a little time to just..do nothing.
I decided to watch Purple Rain, yes I know I've been watching it a lot but this time, since I've said I thought Prince might have some Dom tendencies hence my attraction to him at friggen age 3, yes age 3. I wanted to watch and see if I could pick up on this but in hind sight of today I am wondering how much of that was acting. Now I've had the pleasure of seeing him in person a few times and he does share a lot of the physical personality characteristics as his movie character but I don't know him well enough to say if he's a Dom or not.
Now if we go just on the movie, yes, DOM all the way. From the time he saw that women he was stalking his "prey" and upon first speaking to her, it was not a hello.? It was Gimme that, there on your boot.? Then proceeded to take the woman's jewelry and be on his way.? Of course I adore Prince to death and honestly if he told me to do anything I'd probably do it, no questions asked (yeah that's gonna go over well with my Master right? lol)? But I began thinking, that since last year when I started on this crazy journey, I see Dominant people everywhere.?? I'm looking at the world through sub colored glasses and I can see them now and I understand my attraction and avoidance of Doms in some cases.
I also know a subbie boy when I see one now and I do indeed have switch tendencies, but I have absolutely no sexual desire on the other side.? I think I recounted this over at Fet Life or to a friend recently that I met a subbie boy a few years ago, he was the camera man for something we were filming for and upon being introduced to him, I offered my hand. He took it and I forced him to kiss it, but it wasn't forceful action. Much like when my Master handles me it's very a very subtle, damn, wtf just happened move. My friends/co-workers were laughing their asses off going, girl..he'd have jumped off the building we were on if you'd said so and he followed me around like a puppy the entire time there and for months after he stalked my My Space leaving me messages.? But beyond that little hand kiss I had NO interest in him.? I gotta have the Domination, just gotta.
And I'm getting rude about it too. If they can't give me the Domination I have no respect or tolerance for them.? Perhaps I have a future as a Pro Domme who inflicts pain...hmm. I wonder if my Master would allow that. I think I'll ask, lol. Then set about seeing how you do that.? I think I wouldn't mind beating the hell out of somebody and then heading on home for the day.? Girls gotta get her exercise you know.? I'm so gonna be in trouble after he reads this, lol!!
-Mag
*Cutting Loose*
I have just had a minor epiphany here. I was just talking to an old friend. He and I crushes on each other some 8 years ago and though we've had drama we stayed friends.? Or I should say *I* stayed friends and he has made it a point to only talk to me when he is in dire straights about something or if he wants to listen to my drama and at just the right moment say whew..glad it ain't me.
Today I had to ask myself why I'm friends with someone like that and decided that I'm no longer going to be.? I don't need to give a long speech or anything like that because I believe when you give people speeches about why you're no longer speaking to them it means you're not really meaning what you say. You really want to be friends but want things to change.? The last part is true, I want things to change but in keeping with changing my life this year, anyone who's around me that doesn't go out of their way, the way I would for them is no longer on my friends list.? I'm rather tired of playing therapist for people who don't understand how to offer the same olive branch when I need help.? In looking back, I never liked him apart from the thing we had.? He's rude, insensitive and everytime I try to chat with him about anything he turns it into a 'why are you always using so many big words thing?'? In putting two and two together I think I got myself a friend who's a little bit of a racist, or closet racist I should say.? I won't go into detail but just remembering comments and the fact that he says the way I speak is odd, why do I use so many big words, who am I trying to impress.? No one, that's just the way I speak, didn't realize intelligence was a crime.
But I digress. List pruned and moving on to better.
-Mag
*Reinventing Me*
Well as you can see, I survived the weekend but I'm pretty off still. So today is a day for lots of cleansing and re-hydrating and such. I now know why I changed my mind about wanting a big family.? Good GOD!
However I did manage to get a lot of writing done.? I have so many writing projects going it's not even funny, lol. But I got a LOT done and lot of thinking done about my site(s) I have more than one, did I ever mention that?? So I've actually reinvented how the main one will be done or interact with my audience and I'm loving it. Just trying to remember to commit it to a document somewhere or I'll forget all these lovely ideas.? It's almost like they take on a life of their own sometimes when I get going.? I end up so far from where I started but it's all usually very good ideas and if I can get them somewhere where I can refer to them then it works out just great.
I didn't get much sleep since I'm so off from the girls, but I'm not terrible off. I can't go see my mentor today either as I didn't finish my homework assignment, lol.? But I'm trying to work on this this morning. I also had some pretty vivid sexual dreams about my Master, I am hoping I wasn't moaning in my sleep. Wouldn't be the first time, but I'm pretty loud so...yeah, lol.? So I suppose I should get to work...if only it weren't so cold I wouldn't be having so much trouble perking up. As it were, my fingers are freezing, I can't even feel them, don't know how I'm even managing to type.? Thank god for tea.
-Mag
* HELP!*
So it's my daughters b-day weekend and I've had to pull together a small group of girls for a sleep over. I'm completely exhausted and wish I could curl up in Masters' lap and sleep for days.
Gladly they are watching a movie on the Xbox with all the timers set for the next two hours.? They are quiet which either means the house will be burning down shortly or they are asleep. Dear GODDESS please let it be the latter.? Now I know why I only have ONE child, lol.
Pray for me Mag
*I Like What I Like*
As of the past few days I've been noticing a lot of racial posts
here and other sites I frequent. Because I love to write and I have a
big virtual mouth, I tend to gravitate toward Forums on any site.
Most forums I've visited are riddled with posts about race and being
attracted to people of other races and it just occurred to me to wonder
WHY this is such a huge deal. Not the race part. I get that. I'm an
American and that's just our thing. The part I don't get is why people
get pissed at people who prefer to date another race exclusively. To me
it's the same as having a favorite flavor of ice cream. Sure you'll try
others but your fav may be chocolate and no one tries to bash you for
it. They eat what they like and you eat what you like. So why is it
when it comes to race we get pissed at folk who only like to date a
certain one?
I don't get it. And I'm not saying those who say, well, I think
black girls are better looking or white girls have prettier hair,
because that's when it's wierd. But if you only find yourself feeling
attracted to one race, simply because you just are, then why exact ARE
people mad about it? Someone explain this to me...like I'm a 5 year old.
-Mag
*Voice*
Today before my meeting, I spoke with one of my very good friends, who's a sub and we talked about how we knew this lifestyle was more than just passing curiosity.? It got me thinking of course, or I should say remembering my first meeting with my Master. Who is the first Dom I ever met.
We mused about our "firsts" and how we both reacted.? It is indeed different from meeting with plain ole regular men.? I'm generally nervous around men I'm attracted to anyway.? But I have to say this was amplified by a million.? I can remember everything with absolute amazing clarity.? My heart fluttering when I saw him coming up the stairs and my trying to calm myself. Then the kiss and hand on my ass, very subtle but still claiming me...(yes I'm still stuck in that romantic frame of mind, lol).
I have to say that I've never felt my body react that way before to anyone, nor my mind go completely blank or...white noise is the word that comes to mind.
I love his voice and it just does things to me to even hear it. Today listening to his voice mail I wanted to kiss the phone. Yes I has issues... and I've gotten so flustered thinking about just his voice that I've forgotten what I was writing...so. Later.
-Mag
*Me and Those Dreaming Eyes of Mine*
Last night I had a fantabulous time playing L4D2 with my little motely crew (If you don't know what the L4D2 acronym is, then you're not a gamer, lol, it's ok I forgive you. Left For Dead 2).? As usual we managed to stay up til 4 am laughing and having as much fun as you can have with 3 other people and not be naked and/or in the same room.
So I woke up today feeling a little tired but at least ready to work. Stress mostly gone.? However because I'm not quite all there due to lack of sleep, my mind wanders off in all directions and I have to mentally slap myself to stay on track.? This basically means I have 2 options. Go to sleep or write.? I am trying the writing and I'm frowning at the screen here. This state of consciousness means I got all romantic, which I HATE sometimes.? It's like I can't turn it off!? I'm all dreamy eyed, crazy, fantasizing UGH.? I just want to work and not be lost in the clouds.? So I'll see if I can't pour this into some of the stories I've had in flux and if not I'm going to sleep.? I really can't stand myself right now.? Completely gag worthy.
-Mag (And now one of my favorite songs, stuck in my head now because of the mood I'm in)
Me And Those Dreaming eyes of Mine-D'Angelo
When I first saw you baby, I wanted to die
Me and those dreaming eyes of mine, started to cry
Then I'd dream, wishing my fantasy, would soon become a reality
Cause every time I see you baby, all I do is sigh
Cause you're the most precious thing
That my dreaming eyes has ever seen
So I'll continue to dream
Me and those dreaming eyes of mine
Is it just that you're the finest little thing
That I ever saw, or is my imagination running too far
Or is it that my eyes are telling me something you could never see
Something like me being with you, or you being with me
Ooh we...baby, you've redefined my vision of love it seems
Your love be da cherry in my chocolate covered dreams
So it seems, my oh my,
Me and those dreaming eyes of mine
[2nd VERSE]
Oh my goodness, here she comes, switching that ass
I wondered if the men in her past have treated he bad
But if I had the chance, I'd treat her like a Queen
Just like I do in all my dreams
If you only knew how many times that I think of you
I'm quite sure that you would find, I'm going out of my mind
My oh my, me and those dreaming eyes of mine.
*Expresso, The New Year, Dorian Gray and Naps*
Mmmm I have had a pleasant day. Been a while since I had one of those.? I had brunch with a group of people I haven't seen in years.? I didn't want to go but it was very nice. Didn't stay long though as I felt the sleep creeping up on me. I was up pretty late last night. I wish I could say drinking but I did exactly what I wanted to be doing at the stroke of midnight.? Sitting next to my little one while she played Animal Crossing, waiting for the fireworks.? We toasted midnight, her with a hot chocolate and me with a sparkling water and had the best time.? It amazes me sometimes how simple things are so pleasing to me.? That was simple but I loved it.
After brunch she and I went shopping, but had to come home to nap in the middle.? We were both exhausted!? Woke up and went back out again, but most of the stores are closing early. I have NO idea why.? Why open at all if you're just gonna close early because it's New Years Day?? My boys at gaming store (I won't say which, my identity must remain a secret, lol) did come out to see me. THAT was pretty damn hilarious.? If you see my earlier journals, I said a few people hadn't seen me since the weight loss.? They have seen me but never dolled up like today and never in clothes that fit.? As a gamer I like to talk to them about games and things without the girl thing coming into play.? I kinda forgot I was all dolled up.? I'd stopped by Target and bought these cute little panties with ruffles that my Master likes. And a very big, garish ring, shaped like a pink rose with rhinestones on it.? I LOVE this ring. It's so...brash!? So I get out of my car and they all came out to see me.? Like..Mag..wow..Mag?! Wow! LOL. I gots lots of hugs, different than normal. Normally I get the guy hug, the grab hand and pull to hug. This time I got the hot girl hug, arm around the waist.? It's always funny to me to see men react to the hair and make up, I've never thought of myself as pretty. Diva yes, pretty no, but apparently I have something. Just have to figure out what it is and how to use it all the time, lol.? The Diva I got control of. The sex appeal, only partially.
So I'm now sipping my frou frou starbucks with extra expresso, about to pull off these lovely boots and watch my Matrix marathon before I get back to recording. I screwed up part of the song on one background track I added.? Feed back is a bitch, and you have to know how to add it just right or it just sound..eesh.? That and the song still sounds messy.? This would be because I hadn't clearly arranged what I wanted to do so you can HEAR where it's messy. I'm thinking of doing the whole thing over now that I have an idea of what I wanna do. I also think my Rockband mic will work with the PC, but THEN I have to make a screen for the Mic and a stand..easy but hard and more work than I wanna do.? I shall think about it whilst I sip my coffee and read about Dorian Gray.? In watching the marathon they are running spots for The League of Extra Ordinary gentleman and the actor that plays Dorian Gray is also the one who played Lestat in Queen of the Damned..Stewart Townsend I believe his name is.? I adore looking at that man.? Hence my reading up on Dorian Gray.? He is a gorgeous guy and one of the few men I like long hair on.? See..now I'm rambling. I'm way too relaxed. I think I'll go relax elsewhere until I can post something that has a point to it, lol.
-Mag
*2010*
So I have not a lot planned tonight other than doing things that give me pure joy.? So that includes recording the latest release for that contest. I LOVE this song but it's a little frou frou.? I had to create a story for it in my head to really get the emotion in it for me, which is a fun emotion.
So I've been recording and re-recording it between doing laundry.? I have to work later on tonight and then after that it's all about some gamin some singing some NOTHING and will allow myself to not think of anything that will stress me in the least.? That's for tomorrow.? I'm so excited about the year ahead and at the stroke of midnight want to be thinking of good and happy things.? My family is super superstitious so we believe what you're doing at the stroke of midnight will determine how your year will be.? So I want to be doing something I love doing no matter what.?
The recording is going well except my good mic is dead and my voice is a bit too powerful for the one I have.? So I'm doing some major mixing and trying to control the wild animal that is my voice or trying to anyway, lol.
And now I must got back, my tea is ready so I can relax these chords a little and do what I do.? Next week I get to spend some time with my Master and hear his critique of the song, lol.? Let's hope his eardrums don't melt.
-Mag (would love to share the lyrics to the song I'm singing here but can't, NDAs and all...:( I will tell you that it has the word Rock in the title. And that's all)
*Depth*
So my voice is nearly 100% back to normal and I've been walking around the house singing and singing and flitting about like a little bird.?
I've also been gearing up for the coming year and changing some direction of my business to make things easier on myself AND get more done so I don't stress as much.? Somewhere in all of that is thoughts of my Master and the new/old dynamic of our relationship.? I have to say I'm still very floored by what's happening between us. I love that he stays close to me while allowing me space to move and do things.? I don't have to be worried that I'm going to be punished or deal with drama because I HAD to take a phone call dealing with business and I get to be myself at what I do without worrying he'll be pissed that I got a little too flirty.? I love to flirt and with what I do it's of course easy for to do, but I don't have any desire to be with anyone else but him beyond the flirting.
He says to me the other day, I love that others find you attractive and you belong to me. I'd be worried if they DID NOT find you attractive.? That is effin HOT and very sweet to say.? He's really an amazing man and I feel like the luckiest girl.? I am also exploring the depths of my submission in my head.? You know, I don't think I ever saw myself with anyone else but him.? Not to say I didn't try really hard, but the very first image I had in my head after meeting him and coming here was being on my knees in front of him and completely giving myself to him.? Try though I might that image has never left me.? It's like it's burned into my brain.? When I think of it, I feel so...relieved and free. Which is odd considering my hands are bound in this image, lol!? But I do, I feel just..wonderful.? It doesn't scare me either, the way I thought it would and I don't feel detached about it, the way I have with some in the past.? In this image I'm completely there, aware and want this so badly.? I think the only thing that possibly bothers me about it it NOT happening or him not taking me, which I don't have to worry about, YAY.? Ah there are good times ahead, as I was told by the powers that be, I have some good karma saved up and it's coming. Can't imagine why, cause I'm sometimes soooo bad.? I won't EVER write that down, that way lies an angry mob with pitchforks coming to get me.? No murder or anything like that, but I can be a sick sadistic bitch to those I think deserve it.? Deserving it means you hurt me deeply and in such a way as I cannot forgive you.? But I'm easy to get forgiveness from, I just never forget is the problem. And..then it becomes a grudge, lol.
So as always when I get to thinking my mind goes out everywhere, I think about everything and I walk around chatting to myself.? I have a few interviews coming up and rehearsing must be done, lol.? Any good media coach will tell you to rehearse what you're gonna say, though most occasion I tend to work well when I just go off the cuff.
That and I've sort of been in hiding for the past 4 months while I slim down. Most of the folk that work for and with me have never seen me smaller, so I'm going to enjoy the reaction.? That and I needed to adjust my attitude. I can hold a grudge forever, but since I err toward the logical side more than emotional (I know, rare for a woman) I have to think about WHY I'm holding a grudge and how will it benefit me in the long run.? So I've come to the realization that these grudges I've been holding are not only unhealthy but completely useless. That and I believe in the eclipse factor. (I just made that up..see.off the cuff).? And the Eclipse Factor has many bullet points, one of which is why hold a grudge when you can put them in your shadow.? Oh the grudges I've been holding are for some people I know and some are professional rivals.? So I had to think about where my own strengths were and I know their weaknesses.?? I work primarily with women and of course most women's weaknesses are their appearances...weight loss..you following now?? I've always been a Diva but because of what I do and having to interact with a lot of men I've held that back. I wanted to be known for my intellect and not the shape of my legs and ass.? That and I'd gained so much weight and I was not use to the weight.? After a while I started to adjust, because you can be a diva at any size, but I wasn't healthy so I started trying to get healthy not lose weight.? The weight loss is a very pleasant side effect and it's been relatively easy.? Since I deal in logic I just needed numbers. How many calories can I have in a day and lose weight and how many calories in a small fry from McDonalds..oh that much? Ok no more fries unless it's all I'm gona have for dinner (and I can do that and be fine, never was a BIG eater) Anyway I've been known to use my feminine wiles to get what I want, but never unleashed the full force of it.? This year I will be.? I know my rivals are still a few years behind me in experience in this our chosen field.? I know they are where I was at their stage so they are trying to do what I did...play down the feminine aspects and make it all business.? Well...I say it's time to go to the matresses here.? I'm all about crushing some folk, where business is concerned and sorry to say they will either get on board or be crushed.? I know I'm speaking a lot of abstract psycho babble, because a lot of you have no idea what it is I do and how what I'm saying applies to it.? This is more me getting this out of my head so I can put it to action.? I'm feeling very much like the calm before the storm.? But that's not a negative thing. I love storms..oh the beauty and power of a good storm. Nothing like it.
-Mag
Molly's Chambers-Kings of Leon
Free- is all that she could bleed
That's why'll she'll never stay
White- bare naked in the night
Just lookin' for some play
Just another girl that wants to rule the world
Any time or place
And when she gets into your head
You know she's there to stay
You want it
She's got it
Molly's Chambers gonna change your mind
She's got your
Your pistol
Slow- She's burnin' in your soul
With whispers in your ear
It's okay I'll give it anyway
Just get me out of here
You'll plead- you'll get down on your knees
For just another taste
And when you think she's let you in
That's when she fades away
You want it
She's got it
Molly's Chambers gonna change your mind
She's got your
Your pistol
*Ahem*
Voice is making it's way back to normal and I had to share the first song I tried singing and of course this reminded me of the one I now belong to.
*Do Bad Things With You-Theme to True Blood The Series*
I wanna do bad things with you
When you came in the air went out. And every shadow filled up with doubt. I don't know who you think you are, But before the night is through, I wanna do bad things with you.
I'm the kind to sit up in his room. Heart sick an' eyes filled up with blue. I don't know what you've done to me, But I know this much is true: I wanna do bad things with you.
When you came in the air went out. And all those shadows there are filled up with doubt. I don't know who you think you are, But before the night is through, I wanna do bad things with you. I wanna do real bad things with you.
I don't know what you've done to me, But I know this much is true: I wanna do bad things with you.
-Mag
*Good Omens*
I just turned around after grabbing my Wii mote. Apparently I have a note from my subby sister, as my Wii is glowing and she loves sending messages that way.? When I turned my breath caught in my throat as I saw THE most beautiful thing.
My backyard, filled with redbirds..and blue birds and some blue green variety that i've never seen before.? Beautiful...just beautiful. I managed to get a shot of the red ones closest to my doors and the little green one who was sitting on the bush closest to me, before my camera batteries died. Glad I got those at least. No one would believe me if I hadn't, lol.? Now to figure out what exactly the universe is trying to tell me, lol. Be purple perhaps?
-Mag
*GAHHHH I want my voice back!*
So today I have 75% of my voice back. Singing I sound like me, but me who's extremely out of breath or with a lot of mucus in my throat and it's driving me crazy!? I've been writing all morning but I was listening to tracks for the KC (Karoake Contest) and just seeing if I could get through a few without sounding horrible and that was a bad idea. One of the songs I was working on was closed and all recordings put up. I'm listening to some of these girls butcher this song and it's pissing me off.? Terrible, just terrible versions of the song.? I could have done a much better job if only I had my voice.? I recorded the base track the night before my daughter had to go to the ER and I was going to do the rest but decided to rest my throat.? I'll sing all night if no one stops me, and I tend to go sharp the longer I sing and didn't want the tracks sounding off key. Duh, I should have sang them anyway and adjusted the key with the program if needed. That'll learn me.? Now I CAN'T sing and I am going nuts.? I keep trying and I can literally feel my swollen vocal cords banging against each other and not vibrating at all.? The only good things I can say about today is that my Master was pleased with the photos I took for him, says I look hot, lol.? I will spare you the rest of that convo, but suffice it to say, I may be a lot sore next he sees me..ugh that was just as bad, right?
And other good thing is I'm getting a lot of writing done.? I have noticed I'm one of those people who cannot contain themselves to one thing when inspired, which is why I write and sing at the same time.? If I could find a way to dance while doing both of those, I would.? Now I know you're saying oh you're a multitasker.? Yes, I am, but this is not multitasking, this is pure creative energy and I try to channel it into constructive things, otherwise I run around here like a crazy woman.?? And now I return to writing and sipping water, waiting for my cords to get back to normal. Anyone know a sure fire cure for laryngitis?? I know it's an infection but can I just get help clearing the mucus so I can at least sing?
-Mag, just wants to sing, but can't!
*Check yo self!*
I'm in a writing mood, which is good because I have tons to write.? I have just ruined dinner, and a note to all reading this. When making batter for fish, and they say use beer or anything sparkly...skip the sparkly they LIE.? If you don't have beer don't do it!
I also had to check myself earlier.? I was asked to do an interview by a former employee and when she asked yesterday if I would let her interview me, I got REALLY pissy about it.? She further pissed me off by trying to suck up to me.? The submissive in me HATES when other folk are submissive to me. Especially women. I just wanna slap 'em and say Women up already!? So she tried to butter me up and such and I didn't really respond, just went off to be pissy and think about it.? Today after getting a little rest and perusing the forums here, there and everywhere I got into a familiar frame of mind.? The one where I remember why I've done semi-well in my chosen field when I'm actually focused. And that's that I am everywhere and I am extremely competative when it comes to my work.? So much so it would be scary to be in my head when I get in this frame.? So I agreed to do the interview, and gave her MY terms.? Email only, I wanna proof it before it goes live, no video and only pictures I approve.? She agreed and was trying to ask for help in how to do the interview to which I've not offered any and won't.? If you wanna be in the game, you should at least know how to play, even if you aren't good at it yet.? And you don't ask the opposing team how to play and expect to get help.?
-Mag
*Lacefronts and Lashes and stuff*
I'm soooo sleepy but I don't wanna sleep.? Yes I'm STILL up and wanting to sing and have drank a boatload of anything hot I can find to drink and tried not to talk but of course that means everyone wants to talk to me. I just played Animal Crossing with my little one and realized a dream I had some years ago when I first started playing the game.? That she and I would play together and she'd love it was my dream. And she does love it.? So now that she's gone off to bed, I sent her a mommy love note in the game for her to receive tomorrow.? She also chose a house in game by the beach and was very excited about getting to decorate it.
I am also feeling pretty good about myself for the holidays.? I managed to find myself one of the elusive front lace wigs and have been wearing it a few days. It really IS indistinguishable from my real hair.? I don't know how with some people as it's much thicker than my hair, but the texture matches mine perfectly.? It took everyone a while to see where I was showing them it was a wig. My cousin was amazed and wants one now, lol.??? I also have lost so much weight that I was able to fit into one of my favorite skirts last night.? I LOVE a skirt with a split and work it when I get to wear one. I truly am a Diva but have to really keep it under wraps or I was until I started getting back to my normal size.? I did have to tone it down a little yesterday as my cousin's friends were grinning at me a little too hard and he didn't like that AT all.? I have this weird way of doing a form of transference of projecting.? Because I was thinking of my Dom/Master a lot I tend to throw a little extra slink in when walking or batting the eyelashes a little too much. All that extra flirt is for him and he's no where around to see it, lol. But in my head I'm imagining he is.
I am also completely blown away at getting to know a side of him I didn't know existed.? As I said I created this person in my head that was awful an only wanted sex, no D/s relationship, and I was so wrong.? He's so romantic and getting to know his Dominant side is just the BESTEST thing.? I'm so excited and comfortable yet un-nerved..I love it.
-Mag, wondering where she can find sparkley lashes and should probably go to bed.
*Planet Mag*
I have such? lofty ambitions today.? I want to clean up the toy and childrens clothing store that has exploded in my house.? But I'm still a little tired.? I also want to enter the singing contest at a new karoake website I found recently.? Christmas Eve I heard two songs there I wanted to record but..yay for laryngitis again.
So it's going to be one of those days where it takes me all day to do some tasks that would normally take me 2 hrs were I in top form. BAH.? So yesterday I had a decent day except for looking for a text from Obe, aka RespectfulDom1 aka my Master.? I didn't want to disturb his time with his family and turns out sweetly enough that's why he didn't text me either.? But I had a very sweet Merry Christmas waiting on YIM for me when I got home.? After which I took Nyquil and passed out.? My cousin is none too happy with me this morning I'm sure, as we were supposed to play a game together when we got home.? And dear god I just realized I'm still wearing mascara.? I think we'll call this day a wash and lie? on back down here, lol!
ZZZzzzzzzzzzzZZZzzz
-Mag
*Sigh*
I'm so very exhausted, having been all over the city and visited nearly every living member of my family.
I must admit I have this fantasy of accidentally running into Obe at the gas station on the other side of town and things going oh so right,but today I think I'd have been to exhausted to really enjoy anything.? That and the very pretty dress I bought to wear today and to wear to see him soon is WAY too big. WTF?! I've not lost THAT much weight.? So sometime this weekend I have to go return it.? For now I'm gonna chug this Therafly (yay for having laryngitis and a cough again) and pass out while watching Kill Bill.
Happy Holidays Mag
*I think I'm just happy*
Ah a line from one of my fav Nirvana songs. So very true as well.? Since I have put aside all the pretense and given in to what I feel, I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders.? I'm finally free to express all of what I feel FOR the person I feel it for.
I love that he and I have re-connected and I am now feeling "right" about things.? I have no hesitation in doing what he asks, however he asks.? I would not, could not do this before.? I love it and I feel so elated. I think I'm just happy.
-Mag
*Exhausted*
Ah today was last minute shopping day for me.? To keep from killing folk I put my ear buds in and bopped around the store, grabbing whatever for whoever while Obe sent me dirty text messages.? I gotta say it's HARD to be mad at people or even focus on shopping with dirty text messages comin at ya. I had to stop every so often and get control of myself, lol.? The last song I heard before getting back here was Sex Shooter by Apollonia 6 and I thought, how appropriate, given the nature of these messages.? And as coincidence would have it, Purple Rain was on the TV when I walked in and guess what was playing..Sex Shooter.? So while I go sit in a vat of ice to calm my..hormones and everything else.? Here is today's theme song, dedicated to Obe.
*Sex Shooter*
I need you to get me off
I'm your bomb getting ready to explode
I need you to get me off
Be your slave do anything I'm told
CHORUS:
I'm a sex shooter
Shootin' love in your direction
I'm a sex shooter
Come on play with my affections
Come on kiss the gun
Whoa Ooh Oh, Whoa Ooh Oh, Whoa Ooh Oh
I need you to pull my trigger baby
I can't do it alone
I need you to be my main thing
Play thing pillar of stone
REPEAT CHORUS
Whoa Ooh Oh, Whoa Ooh Oh, Whoa Ooh Oh
Come on kiss the gun
Guaranteed for fun
Sex shooter
Shootin' love in your direction
I'm a sex shooter
Come on play with my affections
Listen Boys...
No girls body can compete with mine
No girls rap can top my lines
No girls kiss can ring your chimes
Come on boy lets make some time
REPEAT CHORUS
Whoa Ooh Oh, Whoa Ooh Oh, Whoa Ooh Oh
Come on kiss the gun
Guaranteed for fun
Come on kiss the gun
Guaranteed for fun
Come on kiss the gun
Guaranteed for fun
Come on kiss the gun
Guaranteed for fun
Sex shooter, sex shooter
Sex shooter, sex shooter
Blow me away
Come on kiss the gun
A-P-O-L-L-O-N-I-A
No girls body can compete with mine
No girls rap can top my lines
No girls kiss can ring your chimes
Come on boy lets make some time
Sex shooter, Whoa Ooh Oh
Sex shooter, Whoa Ooh Oh
Sex shooter, Whoa Ooh Oh
Sex shooter
Come on kiss the gun
Sex shooter
Shootin' love in your direction
I'm a sex shooter
Come on play with my affections
(Everybody's singing)
Sex shooter
Shootin' love in your direction
(I cant hear you)
Sex shooter
Come on play with my affections
(All the nasty people singing)
Sex shooter
Shootin' love in your direction
(Whoa Baby, everybody)
Sex shooter
Come on play with my affections
-Overheated in every way-Mag
*Sick Bitch*
My subby sister from another mister referred to herself as a sick bitch some months ago, while we were talking about some personal subby things.
Today I think I understand just a little more what she meant.? It'll be a year soon that I've been here. Where has the time gone?? I still feel so new and I guess I am compared to a lot of you all here.? I've had a bit of an inner struggle going on, as I always do, about things..about people, about myself.? I always have trouble understanding some behaviors from some people and I often say I don't understand them or their actions.? Not as a way to not accept them but just to say I don't understand, it's as simple as that.
Right now I'm having that same train of thought about ME.? See when I came here a year ago I met my first Dom and I fell so hard in sub love with him (more on my new coined phrase later) that I never really got over it.? And I want to say that I lied to myself about how I felt about him, but that's not exactly right either. I didn't lie, I just didn't realize completely what was going on with me. Now that I do, I'm just smacking myself mentally and other than what I've decided to do, I'm worried about the fall out, if there will be any.
He lied to me and I have trust issues as I have so eloquently stated here several times, and I was so pissed.? But being able to look back, I was pissed because I cared so much more than I wanted to care.? I cannot explain why I feel this way about him, I cannot avoid it any longer and I don't know what else to do other than give in to it because then just maybe I'll stop thinking about him like all the time or won't feel so bad that I do think about him ALL THE TIME.? I don't write that here because I did have a Dom, who's journals that reference him have long since been erased and I tried to be a good sub and not let on how very much I was hung up on someone I only met just once. Who'd kissed me just once and I couldn't get him out of my head no matter what I did.? I wanted to try to focus on that relationship and though I'm still pretty angry at him for the way things ended, I know that it wouldn't have worked anyway. It was never him I wanted. I accepted him because I was trying to move on, I didn't think the other wanted me, so I tried to move on.? I tried maintaining a friendship with him, all the while wanting him so so badly but not able to say it and not able to trust him.? I had built up this whole fantasy making him this horrible guy in my head, just so I would stay away.? Realization dawned for me one night while writing and listening to my Zune and "his" favorite song came on. And like a cosmic slap from the universe he IMed me..was THE weirdest thing..even more weird was that I remember my breath catching in my throat and my heart racing and I didn't answer him.? But oh how I wanted to answer.? It was then that I began asking me, why was I acting like this, he's my friend now, we're good, I'm fine.? Again not lying just trying to be what I said we were.
I blocked him here, my Dom asked me to stop talking to him so I blocked him and then we had a fight about it and flat out refused to stop talking to him.? I felt horrible about it but didn't know why then. You always feel guilty when you're wronging someone, whether you know you are or not. For that first guy, I apologize, I didn't know what was going on with me.? Now I do.? Irony is that when my first and only D/s relationship ended it was the first..ok I gotta give people names here. The one I'm hung up on, we'll call him Obe (for Old Blue Eyes). But it was Obe who I was angry at. As crazy as it sounds my first thought was "If you'd just taken me, I'd never have had to go through that".? Is the title of this journal starting to ring true? I'd say yes.? So I picked up my pieces, made some new friends, focused on work until I met Clark.? Who is by all accounts one of the sweetest and sexiest Doms I've met.? But...he had the same disappearing issues Obe had and though he's not lied to me...or perhaps he has, I don't know and it doesn't matter since we've decided to be friends, but I felt the potential there to have it turn into another Obe situation.? So Clark, if you're reading this, this is one of the reasons I walked away, I'm sorry, it's not to hurt you, but to stop both of us from getting hurt.? That and I want more than I think he's capable of giving and Mag is not keen on being hung up on two men.
So Obe, who also reads my journals and really has been a good friend up to this point and I start talking. I'd told Clark I think I was going to lay low for a while, I needed to think.? I posted that here and I did indeed mean it, but I have...I dont know what it is,...this inability to say no to Obe, to resist anything about him.? I've known this for a while, whether I care to acknowledge it or not.? And part of the reason I keep our friendship as an IM only deal because I know in person trouble will follow.? So I haven't entertained thoughts of us being any closer friends than we were.? I say were because for some reason unknown to me, we are talking more on D/s level and being together and I am on one hand elated. The other hand I feel bad, because I know it will appear to Clark that I walked away from him for this and I truly didn't.? I value his friendship and I would like to keep him, but I understand I may lose it after this.? But I always strive to be honest with everyone, at all costs.
I just know I need to see this through and if it doesn't work then it doesn't.? All this wanting is driving me crazy. I want to be His. I never felt like this about the 1st Dom, I'm sorry to say.? My body didn't respond to him the way it does Obe's, I didn't feel...helpless and love it.? Don't get me wrong...nice in the beginning but he didnt shake me to my core the way Obe did.? Clark, damn close and given more time I have no doubt we'd have gotten to that point, but right now...I'm just a sick bitch who doesn't know why she's sick and cure be damned.
-Mag
(His favorite song) Maybe Tomorrow
I've been down and
I'm wondering why
These little black clouds
Keep walking around
With me
With me
It wastes time
And I'd rather be high
Think I'll walk me outside
And buy a rainbow smile
But be free
They're all free
So maybe tomorrow
I'll find my way home
So maybe tomorrow
I'll find my way home
I look around at a beautiful life
Been the upperside of down
Been the inside of out
But we breathe
We breathe
I wanna breeze and an open mind
I wanna swim in the ocean
Wanna take my time for me
All me
So maybe tomorrow
I'll find my way home
So maybe tomorrow
I'll find my way home
So maybe tomorrow
I'll find my way home
So maybe tomorrow
I'll find my way home
So maybe tomorrow
I'll find my way home
So maybe tomorrow
I'll find my way home
*Sick and Tired*
Well I've spent the last 2 days at Texas Childrens hospital, my mini-me contracted pneumonia and had to be rushed to ER on Friday.
I was so scared for her but as usual the little Queen charmed the hospital staff and had two male nurses searching each floor for..wait for it...cheetos.? I LOVE that girl, lol. I'm exhausted and happy that she's been released back home and is resting comfortably while tired mommy sterilizes the house, lol.? She can't really go out and play or interact with people so most likely Christmas will be spent here, just me and her. Which is fine with me, I got her some really good games and a new DS to replace the one that was stolen....more on that later.? I do however have a little problem I have to work through on the D/s front.? Not a problem just...bah. I'm tired and not able to explain well right now without going to a place I'm not ready to face yet or share.? Perhaps tomorrow.? AND I go back to sterilizing now.
-Mag
So I have come to the revelation that I'm a person who NEEDs a deadline to do things. AND a list.? I had the list part down but didnt realize how much better I work when I have a hard deadline.? So how to incorporate this into life? No clue.?
I know that's supposed to be my Dom's job but got none, lol.? So I will have to figure out how to do it myself.? So let's see if I can get the entire house decorated, presents wrapped, laundry done, cook and get some gamin in all before I have work at 9pm tonight.? I'm on no 3 of my 7 pt list and it's nearly 10 am now.? I think I can do this.? I'll keep you posted.
-Moving at the speed of fire in space, Mag
*Baby it's Cold Outside*
I know, such a cliche' title for this time of year but I couldn't resist.? I am FREEZING, I swear.? The reason behind it is a good one at least. I'm losing all of this lovely insulation I use to have.? Last week I had a meeting and a luncheon to attend and both times I was outside only for a few minute to go from car to restaurant to hotel to car.? And I swear it was like hiking across the tundra in nothing but a t-shirt for me.
I'd forgotten how cold I was ALL THE TIME when I was skinny.? Not skinny now, yet, but this is not good incentive, lol.? I've come home both days and had to bundle up in my quilt for several hours before I felt warm enough to move and I've even upped my iron intake because I know my levels of that are below normal.? But SHEESH how much more iron can I take?! So right now I've only been outside once today and it's not even that cold, and I was outside about 3 minute, literally.....that was a few hours ago and here it is hot shower and more clothes on and I'm STILL cold.
It's been a harsh weekend of dealing with drama and having to listen enviously to my sub girlfriend talk about their holiday things with their Masters/Doms, but I'm excited about tomorrow at least.? I have something big planned and so far so good, though I may have to have a nap here in a minute, lol. It's too cold.? As for me and Masters/Doms, I think I'm done.? I think my Dom and man radar in general is screwed seriously.? I wouldn't know a good Dom if he came up and hit me (pun intended).? I attract either insecure little boys who think they are Doms but are really just looking to get even with someone they are no longer with and shouldn't be worried about.? One's who are only interested in sex, or ones who claim they are so so into me but disappear with explanation for days.? I've got shit to do and don't need to deal with yet more drama from the person that's supposed to offer me solace.? To stay on the positive side though, it could be worse...thank god it wasn't worse.
And now I must get on back to work or a nap, not sure yet.
-Mag
*Sugar Coated Truth*
I swear I'm cursed or something.? Or perhaps I lack the ability to explain myself concisely. I don't know which but the whole, my telling people just to be up front with me, just does NOT register with some people.
I will not say I'm completely honest 100 percent of the time.? But I can't say that I lie either.? I either forget, or don't think things are important enough to mention.? But it's not a deliberate hiding of the truth.? I also don't like vague.? If I ask what time it is, I don't want noon-ish.? I want to know the exact time.
So I can tell you I'm the most irritated with people who can't give a straight answer or refuse to clear up confusion or can't simply tell the truth.? Give the person a chance to make their own decision about you rather than guessing or having to deal with fall out after you get what YOU want.? I don't understand that at all. Bah, I'm going to sleep. Glad this day is over, see if we can't try this again tomorrow.
-Mag
*Bootstraps, boostraps*
A combination of a live tree, the snow and my bad genetics made for a weekend of my being sick and bed ridden.? It wasn't THAT bad, thanks to my having been eating so healthy I'm bouncing back pretty quick..and never went all the way down.? I did however have my first bout of holiday blues and instead of trying to ignore it I allowed my mind to indulge itself and I shut down for a while.? It worked better than the other way and now I'm starting to come out of it.
Well...had a little help from Eminem.? I'm listening to Lose Yourself and I got to thinking about how get down a lot and I usually have to pull myself out of it.? There was a time in life where I felt awful because I don't have those people to turn to when I'm down, *I* am the person other people come to when things aren't going well.? But I never truly have that in return and I use to feel so alone.? It occurs to me that this is part of my job in this life...after a visit with the lovely palm readers I'm starting to understand a lot of things about me and why I chose the life I live.? I don't understand why in the last life I missed these lessons but I wanted them learned and learned hard in this one.? I'm stronger than I know I can be.? This is part of that strength.? I have to pick myself up by my own bootstraps and I'll have to do it many times in this life..and I know I'll always get back up.? I've got a long life ahead of me, so no time to wallow in this fact.? My inspiration and strength comes from the only thing I've ever truly been in love with, music.? So this morning, standing in the mirror brushing the mop that is my hair, I heard the first strains of Lose Yourself and I am better...ready for my close up Mr. Deville.
-Mag
and now... *Lose Yourself*-Eminem Look, if you had one shot, or one opportunity
To seize everything you ever wanted-One moment
Would you capture it or just let it slip?
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
There's vomit on his sweater already, mom's spaghetti
He's nervous, but on the surface he looks calm and ready
To drop bombs, but he keeps on forgettin
What he wrote down, the whole crowd goes so loud
He opens his mouth, but the words won't come out
He's choking, how everybody's joking now
The clock's run out, time's up over, bloah!
Snap back to reality, Oh there goes gravity
Oh, there goes Rabbit, he choked
He's so mad, but he won't give up that
Easy, no
He won't have it , he knows his whole back's to these ropes
It don't matter, he's dope
He knows that, but he's broke
He's so stagnant that he knows
When he goes back to his mobile home, that's when it's
Back to the lab again yo
This this whole rhapsody
He better go capture this moment and hope it don't pass him
[Hook:]
You better lose yourself in the music, the moment
You own it, you better never let it go
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
This opportunity comes once in a lifetime yo
The soul's escaping, through this hole that it's gaping
This world is mine for the taking
Make me king, as we move toward a, new world order
A normal life is boring, but superstardom's close to post mortem
It only grows harder, only grows hotter
He blows us all over these hoes is all on him
Coast to coast shows, he's know as the globetrotter
Lonely roads, God only knows
He's grown farther from home, he's no father
He goes home and barely knows his own daughter
But hold your nose cause here goes the cold water
His hoes don't want him no mo, he's cold product
They moved on to the next schmoe who flows
He nose dove and sold nada
So the soap opera is told and unfolds
I suppose it's old partner', but the beat goes on
Da da dum da dum da da
[Hook]
No more games, I'ma change what you call rage
Tear this motherfucking roof off like 2 dogs caged
I was playing in the beginning, the mood all changed
I been chewed up and spit out and booed off stage
But I kept rhyming and stepwritin the next cypher
Best believe somebody's paying the pied piper
All the pain inside amplified by the fact
That I can't get by with my 9 to 5
And I can't provide the right type of life for my family
Cause man, these goddam food stamps don't buy diapers
And it's no movie, there's no Mekhi Phifer, this is my life
And these times are so hard and it's getting even harder
Trying to feed and water my seed, plus
Teeter totter caught up between being a father and a prima donna
Baby mama drama's screaming on and
Too much for me to wanna
Stay in one spot, another day of monotony
Has gotten me to the point, I'm like a snail
I've got to formulate a plot fore I end up in jail or shot
Success is my only motherfucking option, failure's not
Mom, I love you, but this trailer's got to go
I cannot grow old in Salem's lot
So here I go is my shot.
Feet fail me not cause maybe the only opportunity that I got
[Hook]
You can do anything you set your mind to, man
*I told you so*
I know you hate that I think this way I know you think that it's wrong of me I know that everything is strong today But the longer we go I know the fire will start to fade I'm maybe walking to long for this race I know you said that you won't do the same And so I'm writing this song so the day See I'm right I'm play this record with a smirk While I say
I told you so (4x)
I know you hate that I think this way I could be wrong but the chances ain't great I know calls your sweet messages Will turn lately just to make me smile To quite necessary I know your vision your eyes just see me But somehow time seem to make it blurry And so I'm writing this song so the day I see I'm right, I'll play this record While I cry and I say
I told you so (4x)
I know the newest of it all Seems right but baby I'm no fool And I got pride that happily ever Love should just last a while. I know you think you love me But love ain't never stopped nobody From creeping around every once in a while When things start to settle down And so I won't look like a clown I' m a call it now
I told you so (4x)
I told you so (4x)
-Mag
*Miserable*
Ok contrary to the title of this journal I'm not.? Just listening to my fav tunes and this came on.? I have a love affair with music that is unrivaled by anything save my little one.? I dare even say that it's completely different from what I have with my little one.
I think a line from Esthero's Swallow Me says it best.? Music was the man that made a woman out of me.? I have music that I listen to only in winter and only in summer.? I love listening to Lit and Alice in Chains when it's winter or winter like. Fall weather brings out the Stone Temple Pilots in me (Sour Girl is one of my favorites).? I can barely put into words what it's like to listen to these songs because it is so sensual and deliciously painful.? I love a heavy drum beat with some raunchy lyrics or voices like Gavin Rossdales or Kurt Cobain. I call them razor voices.? I'll try to explain..ever just barely slice your skin with a razor, on accident (or purpose if that's your thing). The way it feels when it itches and you're able to scratch the skin just around it.? It hurts and feels good all at the same time. That's the feeling I get when listening to them sing.? There are certain guitar riffs or cello and violin strains that evoke the same feelings. I just love it!
There are also songs that give me what I call nirvana for the 3 or 4 min that they are playing.? Complete peace. Or sometimes it's just part of the song, like Rihanna's Let me Get that's bridge. The voices there are so beautifully in tune and gorgeous, I'm taken away every time.? And the right song during sex is almost as good as the sex...assuming it's good that is.? I love the sounds of sex mixed in with music.
So while sitting here trying to work through my writers block Miserable by Lit came on and I just melted and had to come and share it with you.? Now it's not just the guys or Alternative, that gives me lovely feelings.? Some Mary J Blige from her My Life album is another one that cuts.? Sadly I'm still suffering laryngitis so I can't sing today and I think that's been my problem for the past few days. Normally when I'm stressed or upset or even extremely happy I sing.? I can't sing any of this out and I think it's just keeping me all blocked.
The music also reminds me of Seattle. I so love Seattle and I am thinking more and more every day of making that the place I go when I retire.? Or before then, never know.? Ah...I love rainy cold days with good music. If only I could write...oh wait I just did. Guess the block is over.? And for your lyrical pleasure, the song currently playing on my Zune.
*I'm the only woman*-Mary J Blige
I gave my heart to you what more can I do To show you how much I care about you and all the little things you do See all I ask is that you make me feel like I'm somebody all day all day every day Love me that way
Baby can't you see If we should part That all my days of loving you You know they weren't that hard That's why I'm sayin I've got to be strong
I'm the only woman you need Only one you need take me Don't be a fool like your daddy If you wanna be happy I'm the only woman you need All you have to do is trust me Never ever be sad again 'Cause I'll always be your friend
I know that I was wrong For all that carryin on But are you gonna hold this against me for life You know all I wanted to do is Be your wife And make you happy
I'm the only woman you need...
If you really don't want me I wish you'd let me know And I will go so far away I cannot stay If you don't want me too I can't be a fool for you no more
You see I tried Tried to please you The best way I know how And I never deceived you If only we could trust each other Stop thinking foolish things I don't wanna love another
So I, try to be strong
I'm the only woman you need...
-Mag
*Manic Monday*
So I got up late and have been doing a little running, but still somewhat on schedule.? I'm about to eat breakfast and thinking of practicing a random act of kindness.? I just saw two teenage boys walking to school in the cold rain.
I see one stupidly has a cell phone but neither has a coat.? I flashed back to myself having to walk to school in the rain and cold and having no coat and I always wished someone would be kind.? Of course no such thing happened, and as I was told this weekend by an enlightened soul, I chose this life. As in past and previous life, which is that I'd have to work for everything I get.? I suppose I was trying to make sure I learned a lesson I didn't pick up last life, but I gotta say..self..the lesson is lost, lol!? Anyway I'm thinking I'm going to whip up two rather manly looking scarves and give to these young men with a promise from them that they do something kind for someone else.
I have so much yarn and I always see a bunch of them walking in the cold. Why not?? Yeah I know, time, but I'll find it.? I'll find it and make it for them.
-feeling all sweet and warm and fuzzy, Mag
*Yeah..but can he pull it?*
Thanksgiving had some ups and some downs but I made it through mostly unscathed.? I even managed to get the jump on some work for the next entire MONTH.? Yes I'm a bad bitch.? Still tons to do but the biggie is done. I'm quite proud of myself.
So I decided to take a break and look up something that I had no clue about.? Lace front wigs.? I keep hearing about these and how the celebs all wear them and blah blah blah.? Well the running joke is that I'm only pseudo black or pseudo ghetto.? Due to my genetic background there are some black girl hairstyles that I miss out on all together.? This being one of them.? My hair is...dead between being completely straight and completely kinky.? So I have trouble wearing either style types.? The white or the black hair styles.? I have worn weave and I love a good wig. But I've never seen or tried these and in being told that whomever was wearing them I couldn't tell where the actual wig was in the lace front wig.? Well now I know and I'm contemplating trying it out. Only because I'm so busy and too lazy to worry about my own hair..AND I promised my daughter I wouldn't cut my own hair until she was 10..that's 4 years from now! My hair is already pretty long and annoying to have to deal with, just imagine..4 years!! GAH.? So with a lace front I could very well keep a shorter hairstyle without actually cutting my hair AND allow me all the freedom of get up and go that a wig allows for.? I'm thinking REAL hard about it then it occurs to me.? What happens when my Dom pulls it..haven't been able to find a good answer to that one.? I hear you can do anything in it, swim, shower, wash it, curl it..everything, but can he pull it?!? And then I'm thinking it wouldn't NEARLY be as much fun to have him pulling hair that wasn't mine.? My pleasure/pain receptors in my head are some of my favorite ones...sighs...beauty or fun...oh the choices one has to make!
-Mag
*How Deep or Let them eat cake*
The other night, while up and surfing around the net, I was looking at some of the newer web games and contemplating writing something about them when I thought to check to see if there were any sexual or BDSM games.
I found a few, and learned something something about myself and my level of submission.? I ran across a few Hentai games where the girls were tied up completely and the sound effects were so pitiful sounding.? Pitiful as in these girls sounded so helpless and in such torture about their pleasure.? I was soooo turned on imagining it being me that I was doing these things to. Le sigh, will Mag ever get to be tied up and have a really good time? I didn't know I would enjoy being completely tied up. My usual status quo is, if I see the Dom is turned on then that turns me on.? This was completely independent of another person.? I guess we'll find out soon enough, or at least I hope.
So far I've talked to Clark very little, I know it's the holidays so I'm watching to see if he stays ghost next week and if he does, I'll chalk up my losses and move along.? Oh god I'm having flashbacks.? I'll elaborate on some other flashbacks another time, but right now, the smell of pineapple cake is wafting and I'm thinking back to when I was little and how these smells drove me absolutely crazy.? I couldn't WAIT to eat and watching my little one now I'm remembering what that's like. This is the first year she really will remember everything that's going on and helping and such.? I love it!? Ok back to cooking and lounging for me.? I'm keeping my diet light until tomorrow when it'll be a free for all.? Amazingly enough, I had to run from one end of Walmart to the other yesterday and I found myself stopping because my leg cramped up. But I wasn't remotely out of breath.? I feel so good!? If I'd known just adding a little lemon juice was gonna have this effect on my well being (of course I take a drug store full of supplements and vitamins in the morning too) I'd have added it long ago.
Be safe lovelies and have a happy Holiday!
-Sweatin it out in the kitchen-Mag
*Don't Sleep*
I was up all night, my brain just wouldn't shut off.? I decided that I'd take this week off..sorta.? I won't be interacting with people but I'll work.? This will give me the chance to get caught up and old and new projects.
Now the worse part of being up when the world is asleep is that no one is awake with you, which is why I've grown very accustomed to sleeping with the TV on.? I turn it on and after a while the noise lulls me to sleep.? The only time I can sleep without the TV on is when near water.? Otherwise I'll wake up 3:33 on the dot and won't get back into a deep sleep no matter how hard I try.? There is one other time...but erm, that option was not available.? So I put on a movie and sat to watch Jumper, which is not a great movie but is one of my comfort movies.? I especially love the song that plays when the credit rolls and decided to DL it just a bit ago.? So I've gotten in my exercise today listening to it and am about to shower and get in the wind as my mother use to say.? Gotta get ready for the rest of this week and I have lots of things to buy and cleaning to do.? And without further ado here is said song-consider these your credits.
*Blackened Blue Eyes-The Charlatans*
A charlatan I Noble and wild Hustlin for tricks to help you feel loved And we all need a shoulder to cry on Once in a while
And there won't be a dry eye In the house tonight
Blackened blue eyes I don't care too much for your Circumstances or you Situation wise
A charlatan I Will blossom and die One day you'll find a real need for love Or you live with the fear for The rest of your life
And there won't be a dry eye In the house tonight
Blackened blue eyes I don't care too much for your Circumstances or you Situation wise
The one thing I hate The numb and the fake The gutless who rape The jaws of a snake We all need a best friend We can trust with our lives til the end
And there won't be a dry eye In the house tonight
Blackened blue eyes I don't care too much for Second chances Blackened blue eyes I don't care too much for Final chances
Ride out into a world of random prostitutes I'll show you some fantastic scenes And it will be alright
Blackened blue eyes Blackened blue eyes Blackened blue eyes
-Mag
*Fairies and ants*
Today me a mini-me went out to build a fairy house and of course she was attacked by ants and freaked.? It was pretty hilarious. They were just plain ole black ants, moving extremely slow and not biting at all. That didn't stop the frantic screaming though.? And now I have to make us a bite to eat and try not to laugh where she can see me.
Later lovelies.
-Mag
*The End of The World as We Know it*
Ugh I've had a headache on and off all week long and some nausea.? It comes and goes and I have to get things done while they are in remission.
My subby sister asked what was wrong and I said, either it's my supplements or I'm dying.? You have to know us really well to get that joke.
So last night and today I've given myself the days off to play some games and after I got too tired to keep my eyes open someone else decided they wanted to play with me.? I was playing my alter ego (one of many) in Second Life and was so tired that I woke to find myself underwater. The only reason I woke up is because my character was making choking noises..was pretty hilarious.? After I managed to get out of the water, is when I ran into the guy that wanted to play.
It's always hilarious to see people's reactions to my created characters.? As you can see from my profile I'm a small woman.? My characters are always over 6 feet tall. Their personalities vary depending on what mood I was in when I made them.? In Second Life, most of my girls have two modes, submissive or serial killer with a strange quirk or two (I know as if being a serial killer wasn't strange enough right?)? I do have one or two that are just fashionistas who I dress up and have a great time with.? And that's just Second Life.?? If you've visited the forums you'll see I play tons of games.
This brings me to my next train of thought. So while playing my little slave girl (who is not little in size) I got bored of waiting for someone to play with. So I pretended she was lost in the woods and I told my respective city this and later they flipped out on me saying I'd run away.? Long story short, I ended up living in the city I was "found" in.?? I am old school when? it comes to my games.? I always create these grandiose back grounds and characters with these deep back stories and have a great time with it.? I compare it to being an actress who happens to write her own scripts.? And we all know I write so this is just another extension of that.? But I find people who grew up WAY before the advent of RPGs and some that were born way after, miss this whole experience entirely.? They actually BELIEVE I'm a 6 foot tall dark skinned black woman with green eyes...erm no.? I've even had arguements with people who tell me that, you're just pretending to be you.? You keep saying it's a character but it's you.? Once again..last time I checked I can't teleport, nor do I have wings and can't resurrect the dead.? I don't have ANY of those superpowers or anything like that.?
I often ask these people if they believe movies that they watch too.? Do you think Brad Pitt really does walk around saying Hit me as hard as you can and fighting in under ground clubs? No.? Someone handed him a script and said ok you're Tyler Durden, you like to fight, work it out.? Same principle here, only *I* wrote the script and am acting it out.? I always think that most folk don't know themselves very well so they think YOU in turn don't know yourself.? I'm HYPER aware of who I am, that's why I know I'm not any of the people I pretend to be in game.? I draw inspiration from real life or people I know, but I cannot crush rocks with my fist, nor am I Gorean and roam around in the snow wearing a slip of cloth and a rope belt.? But if I could...yeah I would be 6 feet tall with green eyes and roam around the village barefoot.? But until then, I'm fine being little 5'1 me who loves to play games, and has a shoe fetish and likes to be dominated.? Now I must get back to my planning. My guest list keeps getting longer for this Thanksgiving thing.? Ah..I get to celebrate the massacre of my ancestors by feeding people I don't particularly care for. Thanks Pilgrims..thanks.
-Mag
*Bitch*
Today is one of those days I have absolutely no patience. I have no sympathy, I simply don't care.
There was a time when this bothered me, but as I've gotten older I've begun to recognize it as a symptom of something that's bothering me that I need to detach myself from to look at it objectively.? And truthfully there have been several instances of things and situations this week that warrant me stepping away from things and looking at them from a different angle.? I thank those of you who have been around to be my canon fodder or listen to me whine or just making me laugh, it's appreciated.? Now today, I advise you to stay back.? Mag's a bitch.
-Mag
*Celebrity Skin-Hole*
Oh, make me over
I'm all I wanna be
A walking study
In the demonology
Hey, so glad you could make it
Yeah, now you really made it
Hey, so glad you could make it now
Oh, look at my face
My name is might have been
My name is never was
My name's forgotten
Hey, so glad you could make it
Yeah, now you really made it
Hey, there's only us left now
When I wake up in my makeup
It's too early for that dress
Wilted and faded somewhere in
Hollywood
I'm glad I came here
With your pound of flesh
No second billing cause you're a star now
Oh, Cinderella
They aren't sluts like you
Beautiful Garbage Beautiful dresses
Can you stand up or will you
just fall down
You better watch out
What you wish for
It better be worth it
So much to die for
Hey, so glad you could make it
Yeah, now you really made it
Hey, there's only us left now
When I wake up in my makeup
Have you ever felt so used up as this?
It's all so sugarless
Hooker/waitress/model/actress
Oh, just go nameless
Honeysuckle, she's full of poison
She obliterated everything she kissed
Now she's fading
Somewhere in Hollywood
I'm glad I came here
With your pound of flesh
You want a part of me
Well, I'm not selling cheap
No i'm not selling cheap
*Yeah....*
So I am a complete idiot and no longer allowed to write journal posts when I do not have complete control of my faculties. That is all.
And no I've not been told to write this. Sometimes you just have to be honest with yourself.
-Mag
*Monday's Rush*
I woke up in a bad mood that last all of 5 min. After I swung my feet down and they hit the floor I felt a rush of energy...ah welcome back serotonin.? I've been running ever since. I got mini-me bathed and dressed in record time, and got a shower myself, all in under 15 min. Dropped her at school and had to go back home to get her lunch for her, 10 min. Made my breakfast AND interviewed a man in New Finland and NOW I'm about to call up my newest employee and threaten to cut her if she doesn't get started on work earlier than she has been.
Now the lovely side of the return of my serotonin is that I become uncontrollably sexual.? The bad side..Clark is out of town, WAAAAHHHHH!!? Looks like it time for new batteries.? Oh well..gotta love Mondays
-Mag
*Get OFF*-Prince
How can I put this in a way so as not to offend or unnerve
There's a rumor goin' all round that you ain?t been gettin' served
They say that you ain?t you know what
In baby who knows how long
It's hard for me to say what's right
When all I wanna do is wrong
Get off - 23 positions in a one night stand
Get off - I'll only call you after if you say I can
Get off - let a woman be a woman and a man be a man
Get off - if you want to baby here I am (Here I am)
I clocked the jizz from a friend
Of yours named Vanessa Bet (Bet)
She said you told her a fantasy
That got her all wet (Wet)
Something about a little box with a
Mirror and a tongue inside
What she told me then got me so hot
I knew that we could slide
Get off - 23 positions in a one night stand
Get off - I'll only call you after if you say I can
Get off - let a woman be a woman and a man be a man
Get off - if you want to baby here I am (Here I am)
Get off (Get off)
1 2 3 - Nah, little cutie, I ain't drinkin' (Get off)
Scope this, I was just thinkin'
You + me, what a ride
If you was thinkin' the same
We could continue outside (Get off)
Lay your pretty body against the parkin' meter
Strip your dress down
Like I was strippin' a Peter Paul's Almond Joy
Lemme show you baby I'm a talented boy
Everybody grab a body
Pump it like you want somebody
Get off (Get off)
So here we-so here we-so here we are, here we are (G-G-Get off)
In my paisley crib
Whatcha want to eat? "Ribs"
Ha, toy, I don't serve ribs...
You better be happy that dress is still on
I heard the rip when you sat down
Honey them hips is gone
That's alright, I clock 'em that way
Remind me of something James used to say...
"I like 'em fat"
"I like 'em proud"
"Ya gotta have a mother for me"
Now move your big ass 'round this way
So I can work on that zipper, baby
Tonight you?re a star
And I'm the big dipper
How can I put this in a way so as not to offend or unnerve (Get off)
There's a rumor goin' all round that you ain?t been gettin' served (Get off)
They say that you ain?t you know what
In baby who knows how long (Get off)
It's hard for me to say what's right
When all I wanna do is wrong
Get off - 23 positions in a one night stand
Get off - I'll only call you after if you say I can
Get off - let a woman be a woman and a man be a man
Get off - if you want to baby here I am
Come on
*Life Of A Million Debts*
I love writing my thoughts a little things I figure out about myself and who I am.? I love doing this because sometimes you can look back and see just how far you've come.
You can look back and see the exact moment life changed for you, for the better or not.? I am blessed to be given this gift....and cursed.? The terrible thing about being able to look back for me is that once I look back, or read, I should say, I am sometimes not done with that situation. And to see it, be reminded of it, can be like ripping a bandage off of a still healing wound.? I did that today and have had to sit and think about what exactly is still hurting me about said situation, still a year later.? A year ago I embarked up upon a journey that eventually led me here to CM and to this lifestyle.? The very beginning of this journey I've long since forgotten and gotten over.? But some stops along the way were HARSH ones. Hard ones to swallow and I had to leave some people behind.? It saddens me that I cannot convey with words how much it pained me to leave them behind and that they may never know.? At the same time I'm GLAD they will never know.? I don't think they could handle the heartbreak.
It's also frightening to me that I feel this deeply for some people and not others.? Some are so easily discarded, forgotten as soon as I've spoken to them last. So quickly forgotten that often 6 months later, I wouldn't know them if they spoke to me again.? This is a blessing sometimes for me, but I imagine not for those who truly felt for me.? I've managed in all of the times that I've broken a heart and had my own heart broken to remain close to those people just TWICE.? I'm speaking of the men in my life actually.? This is not including those whom I've had the 'instant attraction' to and it just didn't work out.? I always remain friends with those because there is nothing there that actually formed other than attraction.
The 1st man that this happened with, the attraction the all consuming heart break,...it took a lot of arguing and getting back together after breaking up and deciding to stay apart and speak only at holidays just to see if the sting was still there before we could "try" to be friends.? The hard part has been to accept that we were not ready (if ever) to be completely out of each others lives.? The sting remains but it's less, WAY less powerful that in the beginning. We've grown up and have different lives than when we were a we.? We live in entirely different states. This makes it easier to maintain the strange friendship that we still have over 12 years later.
And the 2nd...same principle but much shorter time span.? What brought us back together was my trying to just say hello and realizing that he was still missing me just as much.? It's very strange but we comforted each other over the loss of each other.? And yes the sting remains and always the joke of when we're old and no one else wants us, toothless and wrinkled, we'll move in together.? Always is the promise of if you ever truly need me, I'm coming..just call.? Can't be over something stupid like my car broke down...but truly, ' I need a kidney, my kid needs a kidney' kind of need. It's nice but sometimes, when my hormones are screwed up, like now, I hurt over it and wonder what if.
I'm also fearful when I meet new people in my life that I feel strongly about.? As a defense mechanism I've noticed that I start pulling back from these types of attractions.? There are many reasons for this, the biggest of which is that if you told the other person how very strongly you felt about them, they would most likely run.? I also hate the whole stigma that comes with feeling this strongly for someone and you let yourself go, you fall into it and you suddenly become crazy.? You're calling in the middle of the night, you're begging to see said person, or as my friend put it the other day, this horrible horrible need to do whatever this person tells you. Yes, I'm talking about being submissive, or submitting to them.? This does not always bode well for us submissive types. We give in, the other runs...you're left broken.
And it's always a point of interest with me, as to just how much I may have loved someone only when they are gone.? Those I truly never cared about, I can verbally torture, I will go out of my way to crush in any way I see fit. Or I toss them away and forget them.? The only other emotion I'll feel is pity toward them but no desire to speak to them or worry about their well being.? Perhaps that's the Domme in me.? But the ones I truly truly loved, I lament and long for, for always.? And calling to tell them that I'd be happy just to have them as a friend, wouldn't be something they could comprehend truly. Even if I could explain to them that what I feel for them goes deeper than anything else that was going on,...we've all been conditioned to run, said person is crazy.? And this leads to a very guarded Mag.? Telling people you care for them deeply does NOT usually go well.? And now my head hurts from pondering this little mystery so I can't continue.
Perhaps I'll get lucky and discover the meaning of life on a chewing gum wrapper and then this will all make sense.
-Mag
*Back From The Dead*
Whew, I've been out cold for the better part of the day yesterday.? Gotta love when the lack of serotonin just takes you out of the game.? I'm more than well rested and feeling sort of ok today AND up working with a vengenence.
I heard my phone ringing several times yesterday but didn't answer, can't wait to hear all the "Where are you?!" messages I've gotten.? This week promises to be interesting as I'm still training a new girl and she's proving to be extremely slow at catching on to even simple tasks.? But at least I'm awake today, we'll see for how long.
-Mags
*Back From The Dead*-House of Pain Straight out the casket, rising up
Open up your eyes, can't you see me
What the fuck is this madness
Pick up my bones
Erase my name from off the tombstones
Alive and kicking
Breathin' the air
Call out my name punk
And I'll be there
No question
My suggestion to the action
Caught smack dab in the middle of the blastin'
Messin with me
You're messin' with the best
Bleow, you're takin' to shots to the chest
'Cause I'm back from the dead
Everlast's comin' back from the dead (Back from the dead)
You know I'm back from the dead
And I'll put a friggin' hole in your head
Back from the dead
Back from the dead
You can't disrespect it
I'm the resurrected
Back from the dead
Just to mess with your head
I'll stress what I said
But I won't repeat it
If you've got a cold, starve it
If you've got a fever, feed it
And if you can't feed it
Then why not blow
You might be positive
And not even know
I rock the hardcore
From the floor to the ceilin'
I give sexual healin'
I'll get your girlie squealin'
Like a pig
My grave's somethin' you can never dig
I'll rock a mausoleum
Backyard a colosseum
'Cause I'm back from the dead
Everlast's comin' back from the dead (Back from the dead)
You know I'm back from the dead
House of Pain's in effect, 'nuff said
Skip the autopsy
'Cause I never O.D.'d
I only puff boom kid
I never get skeed
I don't sniff or shoot up
Rip I'll stick my boot up
Your ass quick fast
Everlast don't jive
Just like Pearl Jam
I'm still Alive
Spreadin' like tumors
Gossip and lies
Exaggerated reports of my demise
And if you believed 'em
Well then you got gassed
The media deceived em'
Just like in the past
'Cause I'm back from the dead
Everlast's comin' back from the dead (Back from the dead)
You know I'm back from the dead
And I'll put a friggin' hole in your head
Back from the dead
Back from the dead
Like Steven Seagal
I'm hard to kill
And like G.G. Allen
I'm crazy ill
I'll beat ya down with my mic
Kick your ass with my Nike
Bust ya in the eye
If ya tell another lie
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust
Thinkin' I'm dead
You must be smokin' dust
Come see me bust in the flesh
It's a must
'Cause I'm back from the dead
Everlast's comin' back from the dead (Back from the dead)
You know I'm back from the dead
House of Pain's in effect, 'nuff said
Back from the dead
*Dark Secret*
I just spent an hour talking to a dear friend who is also a sub and just a green around the edges as I am.? It's funny and haunting to hear the dismay in her voice about starting to realize who and what she is.? I assured her that it's normal. I was and still am coming to terms with all of this.
I myself have only recently come to understand that I have a duality in my submission that is very confusing a lot of the time.? We as women in this time period are taught to be strong, let no man put us under.? I'm all about some girl power, seriously.? But it becomes confusing when you're with that Dom who is so easily able to take up your reigns and completely control you.? It's more than confusing, it can be disturbing...I personally feel a little guilty about it sometimes.? This is not what I was taught and to allow a man to control you this way is just...wrong.? It's this really vicious circle that's so hard to get out of.? I enjoy being with Clark and when I'm honest with myself, the only times my mind is quiet is when I'm looking at him.? There is immediate guilt that follows, when I realize that I'm quite literally losing myself in his eyes (as corny as that may sound) and so I have to force myself to look away.
It's a little easier when dealing with my husband, he's still not exactly sure what being a Dom IS so I can avoid all the little nuances.? But when with an experienced Dom it's down right un nerving at times to give yourself to that other person...even more disturbing that you WANT to, so badly.? That you crave to have them control you so utterly and completely.? And as my friend and I discussed, you start to...almost hide, even from your Dom. I think when you're new you feel like you HAVE to.? Not lie, but hold? back because it can't at all be possible that if you told this person how deeply you are feeling your submission, that they wouldn't run screaming from you. A NORMAL person would, right? And we all want to appear to be normal. OR maybe I just think too much.
-Mag
*Dark Secret*-Matthew Sweet
You are sickened by the weakness Of a heart that's filled with fear And if the world don't understand you You can make it disappear 'Cause there's a dark secret You carry with you You carry with you
And deep inside the way you hate them On the outside doesn't show And though they think that they will find you They are a slave to what YOU know It's a dark secret You carry with you You carry with you
It's a dark secret You carry with you You carry with you You carry...
*Three Pounds*
Today, just an hour ago, my little one did something she's never been ABLE to do before.? She put her arms completely around my waist and grabbed her wrist to boot.? I was too big for her to do this just 3 weeks ago.? It took me a moment to register that she was touching my back and when I reached behind me to touch her hands I felt that she was holding her wrist as well.? I looked down at her and gave her the BIGGEST smile and kiss? and she says Mommy you've gotten smaller.? No shit mini me, lol, is what I wanted to say.
That one thing helped salvage a very odd day.? Today of course was the day I was to become Clarks girl officially. Only Clark, clearly not wearing this Superman garb and having Kryptonite in close proximity, decided to sprain his ankle and had to cancel.? I have a mixture of emotions about this..some are rooted in impending hormonal deficiencies other wise known as PMS and others are just nervous, pissed off and a couple of others I haven't sorted through well enough to give names to them.
I'm happy that he's ok, but after the big tease of making out in the car yesterday today is huge let down, on the other hand I was having anxiety about it too.? Not because I didn't wanna go, just gun shy after last time having gone horribly wrong. But after the boost to my confidence from mini me I'm at least looking on the bright side.? I got TONS of work done in my rush to get ready for tonight with Clark so I'm ahead of schedule and after I grab myself another nap I will get right back on it.? And Clark, not mad at you..well almost not mad.? And just so you know, tonight or no, I was yours the second you held my hand about 2 weeks ago. Oh and to ALL of you who have been sending the flattering and some of you double edged congrats these lyrics are for you.
*Single Subbies (was Single Ladies, altered to fit BDSM*
All the single subbies(7x)
Now put your hands up
Up in the club, we just broke up
I?m doing my own little thing
you Decided to dip but now you wanna trip
Cuz another Dom noticed me
I?m up on him, he up on me
dont pay him any attention
cuz i cried my tears, GAVE three good years
Ya can?t be mad at me
[Chorus]
Cuz if you liked it then you should have put a collar on it
If you liked it then you shoulda put a collar on it
Don?t be mad once you see that he want it
If you liked it then you shoulda put a collar on it
wo oh ooh oh oh ooh oh oh ooh oh oh oh x2
(Chorus)Cuz if you liked it then you should have put a collar on it
If you liked it then you shoulda put a collar on it
Don?t be mad once you see that he want it
If you liked it then you shoulda put a collar on it
I got gloss on my lips, a Dom's hands on my hips
hold me tighter than my Dereon jeans
acting up, drink in my cup
I couldnt care less what you think
I need YOUR permission, did I mention
Dont pay him any attention
Cuz you had your turn
But now you gonna learn
What it really feels like to miss me
(Chorus)
Cuz if you liked it then you should have put a collar on it
If you liked it then you shoulda put a collar on it
Don?t be mad once you see that he want it
If you liked it then you shoulda put a collar on it
woo oh ooh oh oh ooh oh oh ooh oh oh oh 2x
Don?t treat me to the things of this world
I?m not that kind of girl
Your love is what I prefer, what I deserve
Here's a man that makes me, then takes me
And delivers me to a destiny, to infinity and beyond
Pull me into your arms
Say I?m the one you WANT
If you don?t, you?ll be alone
And like a ghost I?ll be gone
All the single subbies (7x)
Now put your hands up
woo oh ooh oh oh ooh oh oh ooh
oh oh oh 2x
Cuz if you liked it then you should have put a collar on it
If you liked it then you shoulda put a collar on it
Don?t be mad once you see that he want it
If you liked it then you shoulda put a collar on it woo oh ooh 2x
-Mag
*While She Slept*
I passed out last night at about 8:30, watching Clueless with my little one. It's amazing how that movie resonates with her, though she wasn't even a thought in my head when it was released.
She did say that Cher was unrealistic using a computer to pick out her clothes (Who has time for that? she says, lol.? She's pretty awesome for 6 yrs old).? So I woke up at about 5 am and lay there a while thinking and thinking and slipped myself into a very wierd, blank, go mode.? This usually means I'll be moving light speeds faster than anyone I know, this includes my thoughts and everything.? I have a lot to do and little time to do it in, so my brain has sort of shut everything else off and I'm very focused on that.
The only time I will probably break from this will be when I get to see Clark for a short while today. I also got up to get dressed and caught sight of my quickly changing body in the mirror and WOW I can see my actual figure.
I'm wearing my low rise jeans and they are a little loose but not full on falling off.? It's so nice to see your hard work paying off.? Problem is...being even MORE in between! lol. I tried on a few of my old pretty formal dresses and they fit! But are still a little tighter than I'd like them to be, but by Christmas I'll be in them just fine.? But that leaves little to wear NOW...shopping anyone?
-Mags And lyrics...yes...how fitting..and this is dedicated to Clark ;)
*I Can Hardly Wait*-Julliette Lewis
I can hardly wait.
It's been so long
I've lost my taste
Say angel come
Say lick my face
Let fall your dreams
I'll play the part
I'll open this mouth wide
Eat your heart
I can hardly wait
Lips cracked, dry
Toungue blue burst
Say angel come
Say lick my thirst
It's been so long
I've lost my taste
Here Romeo
Make my world as great
So officially on Wed, I will be OFF the market (One hopes so anyway. I mean you never know Clark, that .1 could show up at 11:59pm Tuesday night ;) Kidding ). This is not your cue Doms to inundate me with questions or oooh since it's not official, let me see if I can get in.
I'm submissive, not weak. So know that unless your name begins with Keanu and ends in Reeves, you have a snowballs chance in hell of getting me to give you more than the time of day.? I can and will verbally abuse anyone else who decides to send me insults via CM (and if you're going to insult someone, shouldn't you be able to spell properly?? Especially if you make reference to their intelligence..shouldn't YOU have some too?-I digress)
I can't speak for other subs, but I find having a Dom who is so very accepting of my personality and very smart ass wit, is even MORE empowering. I am happy to be able to be me and be loved for it.? Hmmm I've been distracted and have lost my train of thought..so yeah..don't do drugs.
-Mag
No lyrics today as I must go..games call.
*Juice*
I have what most may perceive as a character flaw and it's that I just don't understand people who BS or try to BS me.? I mean I REALLY just don't get it, it's so completely baffling.?
The issue is that, it's the first thing I ever tell people. Please never lie to me.? There are many reasons I make this request. One of which being my trust issues. The other is that though I may be upset by the truth I can handle the truth.? We at least have somewhere to go with the truth. If caught in a lie I'd like to be told the truth, it insults my intelligence to lie to me.? And most times, if you ARE lying and I ask if you are, chances are I already KNOW you're lying.? I'm asking about the lie to give you a chance to live up to who I think you to be.
Now I know this seems like I'm lording over people but really. I'm pretty honest with people and I expect the same from them. I expect the WORLD from them, that's a lot to live up to it may seem. But really it's not. Be yourself, don't lie or play with me and it's all good. I'll give you the same courtesy. Otherwise we've got no where to go and nothing else to talk about.
*Get Right*-J lo
You looking just a little too hard at me
Standing just a little too close to me
You saying 'Not quite enough' to me
You sipping just a little too slow for me
No doubt you're playin' real cool homey
Got me thinkin' what is it you do for me
Tripping (tripping) a little more than I should be
So let yourself go and get right with me!
I'm about to sign you up
We can get right before the night is up
We can get right, get right
We can get right, get right
We can get right
I'm about to fill your cup
We can get right before the night is up
We can get right, get right, tonight
We can get right
Your lips talkin' about I play too much
Can't a woman take advantage of what she wants?
My hips movin' oh so slow (so slow)
Bar tab lookin' like a car note (car note)
All I need is you here right by my side
Take whatever you want baby let's ride
And whatever you want you let me decide
Just put your name on the dotted line
I'm about to sign you up
We can get right before the night is up
We can get right, get right
We can get right, get right
We can get right
I'm about to fill your cup
We can get right before the night is up
We can get right, get right, tonight
We can get right
So much we got to say, but so little time
And if tonight ain't long enough, don't leave love behind (don't leave this love behind)
Baby take my hand I'll show you why
I'm about to sign you up
We can get right before the night is up
We can get right, get right
We can get right, get right
We can get right
I'm about to fill your cup
We can get right before the night is up
We can get right, get right, tonight
We can get right
I'm about to sign you up
We can get right before the night is up
We can get right, get right
We can get right, get right
We can get right
-Mag
*Queen on her Knees*
So earlier I go out to work and I got to talk to Clark about our meeting today.? Bad mood and indecisive=no meeting with him today.? I have to say I'm so beyond shocked at his response to my not wanting to meet today. He's amazing..could Mags have finally found a really good Dom?
He's very patient and kind when it counts.? I had pretty much steeled myself for a bad email from him when I got up and as I said..I was pleasantly shocked.? Very few people surprise me.
I am also loving the whole helping me get past some issues I have with being the type of sub that I am.? I'm a very strong woman and I know to a lot of Doms who don't actually get to know me, this translates into NOT submissive.? In talking to Clark the other day about the ex and how he always took great offense to my strength, he surprised me by saying, 'he missed out on the greatest gift.? YOU were giving him the greatest gift, that you're so strong and you were submitting to him...how could he miss that?...I want that from you.'? A lot of my confusion and struggles as a submissive are rooted in the fact that I am so strong and the whole impression given by some Doms is that a submissive is supposed to be weak and helpless.? Add that to me still learning the ropes (pun intended) and I'm a confused girl a lot of the time.
So to Clark who is probably reading this, push your glasses up all Christopher Reeves style and I'll answer the last question you asked me today.
Just say when...
*Chains* (I think I posted this before but hey work it out if you don't like it)
Your arms are warm but they make me feel
As if they're made of cold, cold steel
A simple kiss like a turnin' key
A little click and the lock's on me
Can't move my arms, can't lift my hands
I won't admit to where I am
But I know baby, I'm in chains
I'm in chains
I pretend I can always leave
Free to go whenever I please
But then the sound of my desperate calls
Echo off these dungeon walls
I've crossed the line from mad to sane
A thousand times and back again
I love you baby, I'm in chains
I'm in chains
I'm in chains
I'm in chains
Should have known passing through the gate
That once inside I could not escape
I never thought this could happen to me
Never thought this is where I'd be
But baby, baby, baby, look at me
Baby, baby, look at me, I'm in chains
I'm in chains
I never thought this is where I'd be
Never thought this could happen to me
(and happily so)
-Mag aka Lois
Bleh.
I think I'm trying to have a bad day but all these supplements I'm taking is just not letting me go there full bore.? So I'm teetering on the edge of bad mood and extremely high energy.
I've been indecisive since yesterday and felt it happening then, but what ya gonna do?? I am supposed to be locked away somewhere with Clark today and I'm just so bleh, I'm afraid I'd be terrible company.? At some point I'm going to have to make a choice here, be in a bad mood or a good one, but not ready just yet.? Any day now Mags (smacks herself)
-Mag
And for your lyrical pleasure my theme song for the day
*Supergirl-Krystal Harris*
Sometimes I have dreams
I picture myself flying
Above the clouds
High in the sky
Conquering the world
With my magic piano
Never being scared
But then I realize
I'm supergirl
And I'm here
To save the world
And I wanna know
Who's gonna save me?
I'm supergirl
And I'm here to
Save the world
And I wanna know
Why I feel so alone
Seems like a dream
But there's one thing missing
Nobody's here with me
To share in all that
I've been given
I need someone
That's strong enough for me
I need someone
I won't stop till
I find the one
Who will stop the
longing in my life
I need someone
I won't stop till
I find the one
Who will stop the
longing in my life
I'm supergirl
And I'm here to
Save the world
And I wanna know
Who's gonna save me
I'm supergirl
And I'm here to
Save the world
And I wanna know
Why I feel so alone
I'm supergirl
I wanna know
Who's gonna save me
I'm supergirl
And I'm here to
Save the world
*Wanted*
Today is an absolutely gorgeous day.? The sun is shining and it's so clear, crisp, cold, just gorgeous.
I'm up and have managed to accomplish several tasks already and I'm feelin REAL good.? I also weighed in and am 3.5 pds lighter than last week. GO ME!!
So I'm talking with Clark this morning and telling him that he's part of the motivation behind my getting healthy.? He's not the complete reason but he's a large part.? I want him to find me attractive and I want to feel confident in him finding me attractive, not just saying what men say to be nice.? I know he would never but I still want to know when he's saying I'm beautiful it'll be true.
I'm also watching Wanted while working and as I always say, little things motivate me to move.? Though this movie does not follow the graphic novel completely and on the grand scale of movies it's not fantastic.? I do love the closing quote and have adapted it to myself over the weekend everytime I wanted to eat things I wasn't supposed to.? I would look in the mirror at me now, a me that can be better and say this is not me,...this is just the Mother fuckin decoy.? Then I picture the me I'm going to be months from now and say This is me..taking back control , from crazy husbands, from ass backwards mentally deficient ex Doms, from unhealthy bad habits that are killing me, from backstabbing employees and co-workers....this is me taking back control of my life...What the fuck have YOU done lately?
-Mag
*The Little Things-Danny Elfman (Wanted Soundtrack)* Have you heard the news?
Bad things come in twos
But I never knew 'bout the little things
Every single day
things get in my way
someone has to pay
for the little things
And I'm through with the stories
And I'm sick of my shoes
And the walking and the talking it's got nothing to do
with the final solution
It's a box full of tricks
And I'm through with repairs when there's nothing to fix
when there's nothing to fix
when there's nothing to fix
And it all comes down to.... you-u-u.
Let the headlines wait
Armies hesitate
I can deal with fate
but not the little things
Armageddon may
Arrive any day
I can't get away
from the little things
Have you heard the news?
Bad things come in twos
But I never knew 'bout the little things
Every single day
things get in my way
someone has to pay for the little things..
*Know Thy Self*
As always I'm on my path to self discovery and to go forward sometimes you have to look back at where you've been.
Today standing in my kitchen, feeling guilty about chewing gum (I'm doing a 7 day cleanse and gum has WAY too many calories!) I began thinking of all the writing I was planning to catch up on. Then my thoughts turned to Clark (this is my nick name for my would be Dom, yes Clark as in Superman's alter ego) and I remembered something about me at age 19 and 18 and 17 and 16.? I will get to the connection of all these things here in just a sec.
I'm a huge fan of Stephen King and I always devour his books if I manage to get one and get a few free hours to read.? I can read a 700 page novel in about 4 hours if left alone.? So I remember being 18 or 19 and reading IT.? There is a part in the book where the female character's husband beats her then has sex with her.? Now now, I'm not crazy, I realize that's abuse.? But I remember very clearly thinking about someone slapping me and then making it all better. The idea THEN was a little bit of a turn on. But that was before the internet and I hadn't even begun to step out into the actual world yet. So I REALLY had no idea BDSM existed, let alone a name for it.? I remembered this because Clark gave me a face tap and then kissed me and it was so effin hot!? What was even more hot was that in doing that he caught me with my guard completely down and he knew it. He knew it and in the moment of kissing me right after, showed me what kind of Dom he will be.? He didn't pick that time to force anything else on me and later told me how hot the gasp was that I did (I felt so embarrassed that I gasped and was worried he mistook it for my not liking it, I'm very guarded, especially after recent experiences).?? But he saw that, saw ME and that means worlds to me.?
And now back to more writing and looking for a place to move this blog to. Any suggestions?? Oh and yay me! 3pds lighter, 12 more to go!! (well more than that to go, but this is just to start, go me!)
-Mag
PS I didn't forget your song lyrics.? Heard this Clark and thought of you.
Feelin Love-Paula Cole
You make me feel like a sticky pistil...
leading into a stamen
You make me feel like a mister sunshine...
Himself
You make me feel like splendor in the grass...
while we're rollin'...
Damn skippy baby
You make me feel like the Amazon's runnin' between...
my thighs
CHORUS:
You make me feel love, love, love, love, love
love, love, love, love, love
You make me feel love, love, love, love, love
love, love, love, love
You make me feel like a candy apple
Red and horny
You make me feel like I wanna be a dumb blonde
In a centerfold, the girl next door
And I would open the door and...
I'd be all wet
With my tits soaking through this tiny little t-shirt...
That I'm wearing
And you would open the door and tie...
Me up to the bed
Lover, I don't know who I am
Am I Barry White? Am I Isis?
Lover, I'm laced with your unconscious
Oh baby babe babe baby
I will be your Desdemona
Take your time...
You make me feel...
You make me feel...
You make me feel...
You make me feel loved
*Short and Sweet*
Busy busy day, so keeping it SnS. Happy Halloween/Samhain to all.? Be safe and enjoy.
-Mag
*You Go To My Head*
I'm truly at a loss for words today but I figure writing from the heart should take care of most of that.
So today I met with..erm...yeah no names, lol! (sorry had to toss in that inside joke).? And I have to say I'm completely blind sided. Ever look the wrong way at the wrong time and run into something and fall flat on your ass?? You sit there completely dazed and not knowing what to do with yourself.? I'm feeling along those lines right now.? So I met with a Dom and he'll hate this part, but I wasn't expecting much at all.? I am leaning a little toward the jaded side even more.? He and I have been talking for a while. Just talking and I think that's been the thing that I'm growing to like about him the most. He's not ALL BDSM.? There is an actual person that makes me laugh ALL the time.? That's something I NEED just as much as I need to have my hair pulled every so often.
In sitting her now reflecting back on this all too brief time with him today I'm reminded of a passage from the book The Bridges of Madison County, where she says something like 'I was a different woman with him, someone I didn't know, but I was more myself than ever before.'
I'm happy to be able to be myself in front of him and feel completely accepted; That nothing about me has to change other than learning about him.?
I often tell my girlfriends that there are men who get my attention by, mentally grabbing my face and making me look at them. To have someone physically AND mentally do it at the same time nearly knocked the wind out of me. All I could say was wow...Articulate right?? And yes he has the most startling blue eyes I think I've ever seen not on film. And the wonderful thing is he lets me look into them, stare and stare and stare and he stares back...right before giving me the sweetest kiss.? At one point standing next to him I looked up and my mind went blank...another wow moment.?
I love the freedom of just letting me be me. There is no pushing for anything to happen and that is why I'm completely on cloud 9 just floating. I walked around in the grocery store dazed most of the time there until Louis Armstrong gave these feelings I was having words. So what does all of this mean?? I've got no clue other than I can't wait to see him again. Can't wait to feel those butterflies in my stomach, feel him clench my hair in his fist with perfect, and I mean absolute perfect force. I can't wait to have him touch me again.
You Go To My Head-Louis Armstrong
You go to my head And you linger like the haunting refrain And I find you spin'n round in my brain Like the bubbles in a glass of champagne
You go to my head Like a sip of sparkling burgundy brew And I find the very mention of you Like the kicker in a julep or two
The thrill of the thought That you might give a thought To my plea Cast a spell Over me Still I say to myself get a hold of yourself Can't you see that it never can be
You go to my head With a smile that makes my temperature rise Like a summer With a thousand July's You intoxicate my soul with your eyes Though I'm certain that this heart of mine Hasn't a ghost of a chance In this crazy romance
You go to my head.....
Mag
My thoughts have been completely occupied and I'm happy to have them be so.? So I've spent the day doing what I call kamakaze work, which means I'm multitasking to the ultimate. I'm doing 5 or 6 things at once and doing them well.
This week is my New Years, so I have a ton to do to get ready.? This is fantabulous as I like to stay busy, keeps me out of trouble..or gets me into trouble depending on how you look at it.? Anyway, it's possible I may be moving my lovely journal here to a blogspot, more on why this may happen or IF it will happen when I have more time.? But I will leave you with my lyric for the day.
FMLYHM-Seether
You could've been the real one
You could've been the one enough for me
You could've been the free one
(the broken down and sick one)
Remnant of a vacant life
You come around when you find me faithless
You come around when you find me faceless
Fuck me like you hate me
(dig it up and tear it down)
Dig it up and whore me out
Fuck me like you hate me
(dig it up and tear it down)
I love the sound when you come undone
You could've been the next one
(God only knows)
You could've been the one to comprehend me
You could've been the only one
(the broken down and sick one)
You could've been the one who i lie with
You come around when you finally face this
You come around when you find me faceless
Fuck me like you hate me
(dig it up and tear it down)
Dig it up and whore me out
Fuck me like you hate me
(dig it up and tear it down)
Don't make a sound 'til I come undone
You'll never break me
You'll never break me
You'll never break me
You could've been the real one
You could've been the last one I'd lie with
You could've been the old one
I should've been the one who died
You come around when you finally face this
You come around when you find me faceless
Fuck me like you hate me
(dig it up and tear it down)
Dig it up and whore me out
Fuck me like you hate me
(dig it up and tear it down)
I love the sound when you come undone
Fuck me like you hate me
(fuck you like you hate me)
Fuck me like you hate me
(you'll never break me)
Fuck me like you hate me
(dig it up, tear it down)
You'll come around when you find me faceless
*Autumn's Reprieve*
Wow..just wow.? Today is turning into one of those days you'll look back at when you're old and long for.? You would remember how happy and peaceful you felt and sigh.
Today I got to take my little person to her schools Fall Festival and I am one of those who believes life should have a soundtrack.? She and I have a song, that I plan to sing at her wedding (Yes I can sing, but only the special get to hear it in person) but I have another song that I listen to and call my victory song.? I listen to it when I feel good and feel like I've accomplished something.? Today that was getting to do something Mommy-ish with her and giving her a memory she can talk about for ages to come.? So on the way down the street I'm listening to Sour Girl by Stone Temple Pilots (I won't share the lyrics this time-because they don't fit the mood) it's the music and the way it sounds.
We also listened to Maggot Brain by George Clinton on the way home (this has no lyrics, just music) and she loved it.? We were so content and peaceful walking home together and she's now passed out.? I sat to check for main from a certain blue eyed person I'm finding extremely interesting and? then checked my email for an erotic story I've been working on and submitted to a site.? I'm one of those people who literally has to have 5 things to do at once or nothing gets done. So between working I keep the story open and add any flashes of brilliance as I go.? I wrote one chapter and posted so I could test the waters and so far..rave reviews and I'm floored.
When I was just a young subby I wanted to be a writer and I submitted a few things here and there, but didn't really push for it, but I've had stories stuck in my head and it feels good to give birth to them and see that I do have another gift that I can share with the world. I've always known I can write more formal pieces, journalist etc.? But fiction I thought I'd lost my flair for.? I'm a happy sub girl today!! And I suppose I better get crackin on my next chapter, these bunch seem to be chompin at the bit. ;)
In complete Nirvana -Mag
*The Word*
I must say...the power of the written word is amazing.? And that's all I'm going to say, lest I jinx things and I'm extremely superstitious. I'm pretty much speechless and pleasantly dazed.? Have a good weekend all.
Oh wait I owe lyrics erm...let's see...I think this is appropriate.
Joy in Repetition-Prince
Talkin' to no one in particular They say the baddest, I am tonight Four letter words are seldom heard With such dignity and blithe All the poets and the part time singers Always hang inside Live music from a band plays a song called the Soul Psychadeli-cide The songs a year long and had been playin four months, when he walked into the place No one seemed to care, an introverted visited look on most of their faces Up on the mic repeating two words Over and over again...
These two words... A little bit behind the beat Just enough to turn you on But everytime she said the words Another one of his doubts were gone
Should he try to rap to her Should he stand and stare No one else was watching her She didn't seem to care So over and over she said the words Til he could take no more
He dragged her from the stage and together they ran through the back door... In the alley, over by the curb... He said tell me what's your name?
She only said the words again and it started to rain...
Two words falling between the drops and the moans of his condition
Holding someone is TRULY believing, there's JOY in repetition, there's joy in repetition, there's joy in repetition, there's joy in repetition
She said love me, love me... She said love me...why don't you love me baby, come on and love me baby...
Love me... There's Joy in Repetition....
-Can't stop smiling-Mag
*Something's Gotta Give*
My sub sistah from another mistah and I chat most every day.? We've quickly become friends and it's nice to have someone else who understands my day to day dealings with crazy assed Doms and such because she has the same issues.? Of course we also do the girl thing and giggle and melt when a few Doms manage to push the right buttons. I'm lucky to have her. However, I have the tendency to allow people to lean on me and I never lean back.? Or I should say rarely I lean back, now the male to female ratio of my leaning and not being left to fall on my face is female like 3 to one.? One of my employees is like my little brother (but this side of me I've not shared with him yet...I think the ick big sister factor would freak him out for a while but he'd love me still) and he happens to be one of the few men i've been able to count on since the day I met him.? I'm almost scared to write that, lol.? Anyway, I'm always supportive of my friends and in doing so it distracts from any problems I have, big and small and I feel better.? Well it's a little late where she is and I have the 'I can't lean on you now' thing going on but I managed to think of a conversation where I gave her some movie philosophy.? I love the movie, Something's Gotta Give. Mostly I just love the house that's on the beach. I always DID love water and beach houses.
But I also love the part of the story where Diane's character completely falls apart and she dusts herself off by working to distract herself.? Not just working but taught herself a new language and poured all of that emotion into her play. I've tried to do that as well and I've managed to pick up a new programming language and new graphic design skills and I write more now than I did when I was 19 and actually submitting things.? Add that to my passion for music and the fact that I attract the craziest people Doms and otherwise, and I'll be able to write in every code and language known to man soon. So thank you my little sub sister, though it was advice I gave to you that I heard repeated in my own head. Still if I hadn't been talking to you, I'd never have heard it.? And now I must get back to watching Wanted. I'm a sucker for blue eyes, I swear. I blame my mother and Christopher Reeves. Another story for another day.
-Writing til her fingers bleed-Mag
*Bitter*
First let me apologize for the crudity of the following lyrics but I mean these for a specific person and I need to talk to them on THEIR level.? If you wanna get a good laugh go find this song and listen to it as well as read the lyrics. And now to you...the person reading this looking for me...these are just for you.
Bitter-Chante Moore
I'm just gonna speak from my heart
This song ain't about every man
But sometimes when you've had your heart broken
And there's pain
You gotta let it out exactly how you feel it
I realize it right now I'm just bitter
I remember the times we shared and I
Remember the long phone calls at night
You used to say the sweetest things
But today my phone rings and I wish
That you would just stop talking
I just can't take this anymore
You broke my heart and I know for sure
You're not the man I thought you were
Compromised myself enough
Now it's time to stop living this lie now
Don't follow me home nigga
Stop ringing my phone nigga
Just leave me alone nigga
I wish you well but
Right now I'm just bitter
Why did you come into my life
You didn't plan to do me right
If you didn't mean forever more
Why'd you get with me for?
No free nook that's not yours anymore, no, no
Don't follow me home nigga
Stop ringing my phone nigga
Just leave me alone nigga
I wish you well but
Right now I'm just bitter
Don't follow me home nigga
Stop ringing my phone nigga
Just leave me alone nigga
I wish you well but
Right now I'm just bitter
You make me sick nigga
I hate your dog nigga
You made me write this song nigga
I wish you well but
I'm gonna find another nigga
*laughs
-Mag
*4 Min To Save The World*
Despite getting about 5 hours of sleep I'm up and ready to rock.? I love a challenge so I got up today looking for one. Not like I have to look far, my site is still a growing baby and needs my love and care.
I am happy to see that I've made one of my competitors jealous and have to admit to a bit of gloating.? I know, gloating is not becoming of a lady but this is the one area of life where I'm extremely competitive, everything else is all gravy.? I realized last week I had said competition at an extreme disadvantage because she assumed I was 'the new kid on the block'.? I don't know how this could be so seeing as she met me two years ago, amidst a flurry of interviews no less.? Did she think they'd want to talk to a nobody?? Yes I'm in a HBIC mood today, lol.? (That's Head Bitch In Charge for those not familiar with that acronym.
I'd have to say that I love doing what I do so so much because of the dynamic I have with my site. I give it what it wants and it gives me what I want.? It's a beautiful relationship ah..if only my site were a Dom.
That brings me to my next issue. What about me says, she's stupid?? I don't believe that's the case, my being stupid I mean but it STILL surprises me that I get Doms who CM me with stupid one liners or, Hey meet me for coffee or my new fav...I wish I could even share THAT with you but it was gibberish that he sent me.? If you can't even form a coherent sentence then why bother to CM? Did you think I'd somehow see past it? Erm..no.? A hairy mole you can hide..The fact that you're functionally illiterate you cannot hide, especially when writing something.? That is why I prefer to speak with someone first via Messenger, before we ever get to the phone stage.? If you don't know how to text and can't spell at ALL, and we're not talking about typos but you spell serious, Sirrius...then I have no use for you, really.? Intelligence is an extreme turn on for me, as well as the ability to use words to inspire me.? I can tell you all out there for a fact if you begin talking about sex straight on, within 5 min of talking to me...wait scratch that, if you can't be creative and use a little innuendo then once again move along.? My brain can go in 5 different, all good, directions with the proper innuendo. Save the real dirty talk until you know I'm yours. Otherwise I feel it's just disrespectful and you're only out for sex, which is NOT why *I* am here.? And let's not waste our time shall we?
Anyway, back to work with me, It's Monday so I have quite a bit of work ahead of me.? In short, I've got 4 Mintues to save the world.
*4 Minutes-Madonna and Justin Timberlake*
I'm outta time and all I got is 4 Minutes...
Come on boy, I've been waiting for somebody to pick up my stroll
Well don't waste time, give me a sign tell me how you wanna roll
I want somebody to speed it up for me then take it down slow-There's enough room for both..
Well I can handle that, you just gotta show me where it's at, Are you ready to go?
If you want it Then you got it If you thought it, it better be what you want If you feel it, it must be real Just say the word and I'ma give you what you want.
Time is waiting (We only got 4 min to save the world) No hesitating(Grab a boy, grab a girl) Time is waiting (We only got 4 min to save the world) No hesitating (we only got 4 min...4 min)
Sometimes what I think what I need is a you intervention,
And you I can tell that you like it, and it's good, by the way that you move.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions.
But if I die tonight at least I can say I did what I wanted to do, tell me how about you?
If you want it Then you got it If you thought it, then it better be what you want. If you feel it, it must be real, just say the word and I'ma give you what you want.
Time is waiting (We only got 4 min to save the world)
No hesitating(Grab a boy, grab a girl)
Time is waiting (We only got 4 min to save the world)
No hesitating (we only got 4 min...4 min)
I only got 4 min...to save the world.
-Mag
*You Can't See Me*
Today of course is my Friday, my busy day, my crazy day and of course it started off that way. My mini-me, fell (doing something I have told her a million times not to do, but lesson learned for her) and has a busted swollen lip and bleeding gums. She says she feels fine so I dropped her at school with instructions to have them all me if the pain got too bad for her.? I hate when she's hurt and she cries and I have to pretend that I don't want to cry with her.? I have to teach her to be calm and deal with the situation, cry later, think now.
Which ironically feeds into what's happened next in my day.? So my coffee date and I had a little misunderstanding yesterday and it led to MORE misunderstanding. Long story short he said to me that I don't 'behave' like a sub, but I have a fun personality blah blah blah. I have to admit at first I was little taken aback because of the circumstances of this. But I have had the wonderful luck of having a few of you who are Doms and new friends who are very well versed in quite a few areas of BDSM.? One of you sent me a link to a site and on that site one particular link stood out for me, I don't know why it did, but 3 min after being on the page I went right to it. Like it was meant for me to see it.
I think I've posted this link before in a journal here but I don't know and I just realized I haven't eaten breakfast so I don't feel like looking to see if I did.? In any case I read this and my jaw dropped...this is me. Ok so we're not crazy, I says to me after reading this.? The universe, understanding my logical and illogical duality always provides me with proof so that I have nothing to question.? Because if there is something to question, I will and to no end.? This particular page/article talks about High end Submissives and I am very sure I'm not a Switch or Dominant. I always was, in a way, but you have those days when you waver, especially when you keep meeting Doms who say..um you're not. I've been with 15 subs and you're not one.? But this particular time I was armed with the knowledge of what KIND of sub I am and that feels really good as opposed to feeling misunderstood or more what the hell am I doing wrong? Maybe I am a Dominant and don't know it? But the idea of dominating (other than my joking about it with friends and employees) repulses me.? I can't even stand to be in the presence of submissive men (sorry guys but after 10 min of submissive men I just wanna run screaming and saying MAN UP DAMMIT!-this in no way implies you're not a man, just the way I feel) so this was all pretty confusing up until that link.
So to any would be suitors here is said link, please do read it before talking to me, of you're going to get the absolute wrong impression.? Just because you see somethin, doesn't mean it is what it is.? As Shrek would say..I've got layers.
PS Yes yes I know you want your song lyrics..oh! Luck Charms Jay Gordon is a singer since you asked.? The rest of you...
This Bird-Solange (Beyonce's sister for the uniformed)
Once in a time
Where the girls feel like girls
And the world is painted cotton candy (cotton candy)
Where the sweet lemonade of McGregor street (sweet lemonade)
Was the best damn thing of the summer breeze
Your dad drives a foreign car (a foreign car)
And your mama looks like a beauty queen
Now the sour bitter taste (sour bitter taste)
Of a colorless waste
Seems to light up my nights somehow
And the music I play must be
Loud, loud, loud, loud
Loud as can be
So I don't have to hear myself think (no, no)
So I don't to wake up from this dream (no, no)
I don't wanna sing no single mama blues
I'm not singing look at me I've been abused
Oh I'm another silly lost girl staring at you (staring at you)
So maybe I'll put on my high heel shoes (ba, ba)
And soar the night away (ba, ba)
And soar the night away (ba, ba,)
But whatever I do
{chorus}
I'm not gonna slow this bird down (down)
I don't wanna look life in the eye (eye)
I'm not gonna fall face first in this spiral called a life
I'm not indenial (no)
I'm not suicidal (no)
Not an alcoholic (no)
I'm not out here hoein'
So just shut the fuck up (shut the fuck up)
This bird's not slowin' down
Once in a while (once in a while)
When the sun does its job
Lets the clouds take a nice day off (day off)
I can breeze through the day
And just run through the night (run through the night)
Hearing cheers come from those big blue eyes
His smile blazes like fireworks
On the evening of fourth of july
So I got reason to fly
{chorus}
Slowin' down (down, down, down, down)
Slowin' down (down, down, down, down)
down, down, down, down
down, down, down, down
down, down, down, down
Slowin' down
*12 signs you're in a damn good mood*
Ok so I dont really have 12 signs, but it sounded like a good title so I ran with it.? I got up this morning and feel really good and this seems to be happening a lot more lately as i've done a little research and found out better ways to manage my illness.? A lovely doctor in the UK has found some new techniques and vitamins.
Now I have added a little extra dose of Vitamin C to my morning and it has made ALL the difference.? I actually skipped vitamins (still had the vitamin C) and I felt pretty damn good most ofthe day yesterday.? So today WITH vitamins, I experienced a moment of nausea this morning but it passed and now it's all GOOD. I have my Rihanna going and I dont' even mind that I have a years worth of spreadsheets to pour over this morning.? Hope you all have the BEST day.? And theme song for the day because I feel like the sexiest goddess alive today...
*Shut up and Drive-
I've been looking for a driver who's qualified So if you think that you're the one step into my ride I'm a fine-tuned supersonic speed machine With a sunroof top and a gangster lean
So if you feel me let me know, know, know Come on now what you waiting for, for, for My engine's ready to explode, explode, explode So start me up and watch me go, go, go, go
Got you where you wanna go if you know what i mean Got a ride that smoother than a limosine Can you handle the curves? Can you run all the lights? If you can baby boy then we can go all night
Cuz I'm 0 to 60 in three point five Baby you got the keys-
Now shut up and drive (drive, drive, drive)
Shut up and drive (drive, drive, drive)
I got class like a 57 cadillac Got all the drive but a whole lot of boom in the back You look like you can handle whats under my hood You keep saying that you will boy I wish you would
So if you feel me let me know, know, know Come on now what you waiting for, for, for My engine's ready to explode, explode, explode So start me up and watch me go, go, go, go
Got you where you wanna go if you know what i mean Got a ride that smoother than a limosine Can you handle the curves? Can you run all the lights? If you can baby boy then we can go all night
Cuz I'm 0 to 60 in three point five Baby you got the keys-
Now shut up and drive (drive, drive, drive)
Shut up and drive (drive, drive, drive)
Cuz you play the game, got what I got (Get it Get it) Don't Stop It's a sure shot Aint no ferrari huh boy I'm sorry I ain't even worried So step inside and ride (ride, ride, ride, ride, ride...)
So if you feel me let me know, know, know Come on now what you waiting for, for, for My engine's ready to explode, explode, explode So start me up and watch me go, go, go, go
Got you where you wanna go if you know what i mean Got a ride that smoother than a limosine Can you handle the curves? Can you run all the lights? If you can baby boy then we can go all night
Cuz I'm 0 to 60 in three point five Baby you got the keys-
Now shut up and drive
*Impulse*
On occasion I am impulsive. Let me rephrase that, I'm impulsive about things OTHER than shoes or books or games that I want. Everything else is usually something I have to think over and over and over again before I make a decision.
This morning I decided to be impulsive at meet a nice Dom for coffee.? This has to have been one of the nicer days I've had in a while.? I've had a pleasant buzz of a smile most of the day and a mood to match.? I am at a loss for words to explain the feelings completely but I felt very easy with him.? Not at all nervous, he's very easy to talk to and is so so sweet and surprisingly sensual. And if he's reading this, pictures do NOT do you justice in the least. Gorgeous.? I look forward to learning more about him and more of this...whatever I'm feeling.? And thanks for not kidnapping me. :)
*Something Inside Of Me*
As usual I do a lot of self introspection and this is no different than any other day.? I've managed to get a lot done so far today and I'm happy about that. I've been so busy that I didn't even notice it was 1 in the afternoon.? That is one of the reasons I LOVE listening to music so much while working.? It motivates me and allows me to think while multitasking.? So one of my very favoritest songs just came on my Zune and I just got off the phone with a friend with whom I share a horrible connection. We were both raped as children.? Yeah yeah, you're frowning, it happens.? In any case I noticed the differences in us dealing with this particular scenario.? She tends more toward the passive side of just..everything. She has her moments when she tries to be bold, usually at my expense at which time? I have to verbally smack her down. (People get the sense that because I'm honest that I'm mean and because I'm mean I'm a bully and traditionally bully rules apply, I'll back down if they step up. Erm no. Not a Bully and there is nothing to back down from. I just say what's on my mind, if you take offense I apologize and we try it a different way. Otherwise...speaking out of turn to me usually results in a huge fight.? I sound like a Domme don't I? lol!) so anyway, my song comes on, and I'm talking to her and thinking about this and I find it strange how different people embrace painful things in their lives.? I find it interesting as well. I also find it interesting that people don't really think about how they process painful instances and how it causes them to react to other people. In short this goes back to my whole thought processes about being self aware. How I dealt with the rape for years was with anger. I still deal with it that way but I learned how to channel it and not let it just be a wild animal. In short I'm careful where I aim my gun.? I think before I shoot. This is not to say I'm not human and don't have moments, but generally if I'm angry about something or AT someone I focus my energy either at letting them know I'm angry or channel that energy into something productive if I feel like my being angry is really not..useful.? But I also have never been the victim type, it doesn't look good on me.? I'm a little too strong to be victim.? I cry if I have to and get over things very quickly because, I can't stand the whole let's be mopey process. Anger is more useful than despair.? So I've always leaned toward that and it's kept me sane and alive.? Nothing wrong with some good healthy anger.? The song that I love is by Wicked Wisdom (Front woman is Jada Pinkett-Smith, yes Will Smith's wife) and the song is awesome.? When I heard it I had to wonder if she'd been a rape survivor herself because the song so accurately, in every way, from the angry guitar to the drums, portrays how I feel on those days when I think about what happened to me and what I lost because of it.? And I love the message written in angry scribble at the end of the video that says simply, I am stronger...yes..yes I am.
-Mag
(Yes more song lyrics...hey don't blame me, blame the people who ask for them, I just give the people what they want...well most of the time. Besos ya'll)
Something Inside of Me
Darkness comes, his haunting
Eyes whisper her unworthy demise
His weakness peels away her skin
Consoles his illness deep within
Violated little girl
It's just enough to hate this world
A big body betrays the young
and steals her from her loving
ones
Something inside of me is pissed
something inside of me could throw
a 10,000 pound fist.
Something inside of me is so incensed
something inside of me could break
that muthafucka's neck...
Strangled virtue, shallow holes
whisper this hate within my soul
to kill a man who dares to be
the bringer of these vicious deeds
children die from hands
that feed the sickness of one's
darkest needs, evil will not be erased
in any woods or secret place
I don't want to be alone with this x4
Something inside of me IS pissed Something inside of me Could throw a 10,000 pound fist Something inside of me is so.. Incensed Something inside of me Could break his neck...
Ah what a lovely morning it is and no that is not sarcasm.
Today I got up a little later than normal, due to having been very ill the past two weeks. But I got up feeling much better and ready to work.? I have a thing I say to my daughter every morning when I drop her off to school.? Those of you who are around my age will remember this from the show Tiny Toons. Pinky and the Brain.? But for those of you that are too young or too old to remember this, Pinky would ask Brain at the top of every show, "So what are we going to do today Brain?"? And Brain would answer, "Same thing we do every day Pinky..try to take over the WORLD."
I say this to my daughter every morning before she gets out of the car. What are you doing today mama's girl? And she answers, Same thing I do every day mommy, take over the world.? Today I really got a kick out of it because of the smile she gave me just after she said it, as if she really had a secret plot to take over the world...and so I added as she stepped out of the car..yeah..me too! And she giggled and I giggled and off we went.
So I'm home again feeling really good, looking out into my backyard at the rain, which I love and listening to Alice in Chains..a song I only listen to in the winter because it just sounds so delicious to me in Winter.? And now I must go take over the world. wish me luck!
Oh and of course..lyrics for ya.
Heaven Beside You-Alice In Chains
Be what you wanna be See what you came to see Been what you wanna be I dont like what I see
Like the coldest winter chill Heaven beside you... hell within Like the coldest winter chill Heaven beside you... hell within Like the coldest winter will Heaven beside you... hell within And you think you have it still, heaven inside you
So theres problems in your life Thats fucked up, and Im not blind Im just see through faded, super jaded And out of my mind
Do what you wanna do Go out and seek your truth When Im down and blue Rather be me than you
Like the coldest winter chill Heaven beside you... hell within Like the coldest winter chill Heaven beside you... hell within Like the coldest winter will Heaven beside you... hell within And you wish you had it still, heaven inside you
So theres problems in your life Thats fucked up, and Im not blind Im just see through faded, super jaded And out of my mind
Like the coldest winter chill Heaven beside you... hell within Like the coldest winter chill Heaven beside you... hell within Like the coldest winter will Heaven beside you... hell within And you know you have it still, heaven inside you
So theres problems in your life Thats fucked up, but youre not blind Youre just see through faded, overrated And out of your mind
WTF Part 2
It occurs to me that some of you have no etiquette of any form.? I'm a little irritated today, compounded by the fact that a lot of you think CM is your personal free escort service.
Subs/slaves and the like are NOT here for you to CM up and say ok meet me here and let's have some fun.? I'm sure there ARE some here that don't mind that, but how about instead of wasting your time CMing people that so clearly are NOT here for that, find the ones that are.? READ profiles people.
And on another note, if you're talking to people and suddenly they stop speaking to you take a hint.? If you've been blocked, then again..take a hint.? If they wanted to talk to you then they would have responded to your first CM. Sending 10 more won't convince them you're any better. In fact they will think you're mentally unstable and if you're a Dom/Domme, it makes you look weak.? And no sub likes a weak Dom/Domme.? I know *I* don't.
-Severely irritated-Mag
*WTF?!*
Now perhaps I'm jaded, I don't know, but what IS it with some of you Doms out there who think it's ok to demand a sub address you properly within 5 min of meeting each other?
I am still new and don't know a whole lot but I can say I know the title of Sir/Master/Mistress/Lioness, has to be earned.?? Why exactly would I call someone I've known for 5 min Sir?? I have Dom friends that I don't address as such.? If that's your kink then you should put that on your profile so that a sub at least has a chance to say 'Hey this right here is a no go for me for the first 5 min.'
What's worse is a lot of you say 'Hey I read your profile.' Then ask a question that's clearly answered there.? Or my personal fav is to message me to tell me you don't like something in my profile but let's talk anyway.
Any Doms reading this and about to click that little button to send me mail. Please realize I'm also a person, not just a sub. Conversation goes a loooong way.? One line, hey do you have yahoo, cms or you're interesting let's talk, don't do it for me. Ugh.
-Mag
It is so very hot/humid outside that it's like trying to breathe underwater. As a result my cold as resurged. So yay for coughing and runny nose again.
And now I must sleep for a while to see if these lovely drugs can get me back on track.
-Mag
*Walking Zero*
So yesterday was the typical Manic Monday when my site is up, which is a flurry of writing, marketing and all that good stuff.? So I didn't get to journal.
I'm so very happy with the site, I cannot express in words how great things are falling into place. There is still a lot of work to be done yet, but the biggest part is over and done.? So far the general pub is loving it too and that gives me the warm fuzzies.
This morning I woke up and my body couldn't decide if it was tired of peppy so I opted for peppy and got to work.? I love Gwen Steffani and she's one of my best friends, in my head, so of course she spoke to me in song this morning as any good friend would do.? And my mind is abuzz with all kinds of things. Thanks Gwen!
What You Waiting For What an amazing time What a family How did the years go by Now it's only me
Like a cat in heat, stuck in a moving car A scary conversation, shut my eyes, can't find the brake What if they say that you're a climber Naturally, I'm worried if I do it alone Who really cares, cause it's your life You never know, it could be great Take a chance cause you might grow Oh, ah, oh
What you waiting What you waiting What you waiting What you waiting What you waiting for
What you waiting What you waiting What you waiting What you waiting What you waiting for
Tick-tock, tick-tock Tick-tock, tick-tock Take a chance you stupid ho
Like an echo pedal, you're repeating yourself You know it all by heart Why are you standing in one place Born to blossom, bloom to perish Your moment will run out Cause of your sex chromosome I know it's so messed up, how our society all thinks (for sure) Life is short, you're capable (uh-huh)
Oh, ah, oh Look at your watch now You're still a super hot female You got your million-dollar contract And they're all waiting for your hot track
What you waiting What you waiting What you waiting What you waiting What you waiting for
What you waiting What you waiting What you waiting What you waiting What you waiting for
I can't wait to go back and do Japan Get me lots of brand new fans Osaka, Tokyo You Harajuku girls Damn, you've got some wicked style
Go
Look at your watch now You're still a super hot female You got your million dollar contract And they're all waiting for your hot track
What you waiting What you waiting What you waiting What you waiting What you waiting for
What you waiting What you waiting What you waiting What you waiting What you waiting for
What you waiting for What you waiting for
(What you waiting for) Take a chance you stupid ho Take a chance you stupid ho
What you waiting for What you waiting for
(What you waiting for) Take a chance you stupid ho Take a chance you stupid ho
-Mag
*Phoenix Arisen*
So today is a very nice and relaxing day.? I got up and am finally feeling clear and better and opened emails and played Marvel Alliance until I can no lone feel my fingers.? This is why I love fall, everyone forgets the frantic pace of summer and just relaxes which is great!
I'm getting such positive feedback from the site being back online that I feel completely regenerated with ideas and things to do, so I'm busily writing and just really enjoying the day like I haven't in so long.? I feel still, which is to say I'm at peace for a while. Tomorrow is a whole other day.? For now I hear Fable II calling my name as I somehow managed to finish Marvel Alliance in 4 days. Unusual for me.? But luckily I don't lack for any games to play.? Hope all of you out there are having as good a Sunday as I am. Ahhhh...
-Relaxed and Happy Mag
*So Sick*
Well new site launched and it went over well! I still have lots of work to do but it's nothing I don't expect I'll have to do.? That being said, I am sick!? Now for the most part taking meds don't affect me much at all, neither does drinking or anything else that's designed to relax and lower inhibitions.? So note to all of you who would think to drug me, lol...that's not a good idea.
But SOME cold meds completely knock me out for about two hours and I've taken those now because I need the rest.? Sad part is I've met quite a few of you I'd love to talk to and have been talking to but you're not getting full on Mag so you think I'm not interested.? Just let me get back to full strength and you'll get to see the real me.? And now I must pass out...literally.
-MAG
*No Paparazzi Please!*
It never ceases to amaze me, the nerve of people.? Allow me to preface this slightly.? A lot of you ask what I do for a living and I tell you that it's Media and my face and voice are my money.? Now allow me to clear something up. I'm NOT famous and I'm not NOT famous either, just depends on where you are.? That being said I am NOT Angelina Jolie or Halle Berry so..explain to me why my ex's use knowing me as some sort of bait for their next chic?? Especially when we've agreed there is to be discretion between us, even if it doesn't go on and we break up.? I've always maintained that line. It's HARD when you're pissed at someone to not tell all their business to anyone who will listen but I don't do it. So why is it that a few folk out there can't keep their mouths shut?? It's not like I'm super famous or said girl is gonna be impressed that you were with me.? She may in fact think you're trying to name drop..and someone they most likely don't know or..what a LOSER you were to lose me..or any number of things that can =backfire in this case. I've had a few times where my Ex's, EX and I became friends and they have told me that..dude he's tellin EVERYTHING he knows about you.? I should have taken it as a warning.? People..have a little tact and class here...come on.
-Mag
No song lyrics today lovelies.? I'm all stuck on Wanted and it's tagline..that's just the mother fuckin DECOY!
EDIT-There is a song, just realized I've been singing it in my head all day.
*I* Told you So-Solange
I know you hate that I think this way I know you think that it's wrong of me I know that everything is strong today But the longer we go I know the fire will start to fade I'm maybe walking to long for this race I know you said that you won't do the same And so I'm writing this song for the day See I'm right I'ma play this record with a smirk While I say
I told you so
I know you hate that I think this way I could be wrong but the chances ain't great I know your calls your sweet messages Will turn lately just to make me smile To plain necessary I know your vision your eyes just see me But somehow time seems to make it blurry And so I'm writing this song so the day Now see I'm right, I'll play this record While I cry and I say
I told you so
I know the newest of it all Seems right, but baby I'm no fool And I've got pride. That happily ever Love should just last a while. I know you think you love me But love ain't never stopped nobody From creeping around every once in a while When things start to settle down And so I won't look like a clown I' m a call it now
I told you so
I told you so
-Mag
*For Miss VS*
I've managed to make a really good friend here and today we shared a passion that we BOTH share (get your minds out of the gutter, I don't do girls and no threesomes unless it's boy boy girl..me being the girl) anyway the passion was for writing.
Today she inspired me to get back onto some much neglected writing projects and I hope I've inspired her as well.? We've support each other through the past few weeks and I cannot begin to tell her how much I appreciated her (and yes you to Vv) support and virtual ear.? For this, I shall name the character in the screen play I'm starting after your IM character. I won't say the name here..damn virtual stalkers!? Kisses winedinentieme.? You Doms out there could do worse than to have her for a sub. She's a brilliant woman..simply brilliant.? Yes she gets song lyrics too and only because I couldn't find something REALLY suitable
Feel Good Time (From the Charlie's Angels' soundtrack)
we go where we like,
we got over time,
we get paid to rattle our chains
we go in the back,
paint our money black,
spend it on the enemy
sleeping in the church,
riding in the dirt,
put a banner over my grave
Make a body work,
make a begger hurt,
sell me something big and untamed
[Chorus]
Now our time, real good time,
(doo doo doo doo doo doo..)
now our time, a real good time
(doo doo doo doo doo doo..)
now our time, (SAID NOW OUR TIME),
a real good time (ITS A REALLY GOOD TIME!)
B-a-a-a-a-by of mine
we know how to pray,
party everyday,
make our desolation look plain
riding in a rut,
till the powers cut,
we dont even have a good name
sleeping in the church,
riding in the dirt,
put a banner over my grave
Make a body work,
make a begger hurt,
sell me something big and untamed
[Chorus]
...Now our time, real good time, oohh
(doo doo doo doo doo doo..)
now our time, a real good time
(doo doo........)
now our time, (NOW IT OUR TIME), a real good time
B-a-a-a-a-by of mine
(sell me sumthin big and untamed)
now are time, real good time ......oh,
(doo doo doo doo doo doo doo)
now our time (I SAID NOW OUR TIME),
(doo doo doo doo doo doo)
real good time (ITS A REALLY GOOD TIME)
now are time, real good time .....
Feel good,
Real good, its the same old saying
Real good,
Feel good, dont got no more brains
Feel good,
Real good, its the same old saying....yeh
Feel good,
Real good, i dont got no more brain!
-Mag
*Caramel*
I often tell people the exact shade of my skin is caramel and I'll be happy to let you test that theory if you manage to get to know me.
Anyway, today is one of those lovely cool days that I call "the inbetween" .? It's not cold and it's not warm..it's just..perfectly unsettling.? I went to Walmart to get some new vitamins and energy drink things (Loving those now).? And thought about myself and where life it headed.? I had a friend ask for help with something yesterday and normally I'm quick to say yes but the more I go along my path, the less I'm willing to compromise who I am, what I want and what I'm willing to give people. This does transfer over being a sub as well.? I try anything once, and if it doens't at least half work then I'm not giving it a second chance to go wrong.? So I'm thinking that next BDSM relationship I'm in, whether it be the husband here, who will decide he wants to do this with me or not, or one of you out there, there will be submission, but NO COMPROMISE where it has to do with my life, my business or anything else that does not pertain to you.? That game officially got old with the ending of my sub/dom relationship.? I know that sounds mean but well..let it sound mean, not in the mood to keep explaining myself either.? Now even after all of that I'm in a rather good mood today.? Tomorrow my site goes live yay!! Then life becomes a parade again. If I'm not around here much you know how to reach me..via CM of course!
And without further ado the lyrics to Caramel by Susanne Vega...this is for you ControlnTrust..vagina cannon aimeD!!
Caramel-
It won't do
to dream of caramel,
to think of cinnamon
and long for you.
It won't do
to stir a deep desire,
to fan a hidden fire
that can never burn true.
I know your name,
I know your skin,
I know the way
these things begin;
But I don't know
how I would live with myself,
what I'd forgive of myself
if you don't go.
So goodbye,
sweet appetite,
no single bite
could satisfy...
I know your name,
I know your skin,
I know the way
these things begin;
But I don't know
what I would give of myself,
how I would live with myself
if you don't go.
It won't do
to dream of caramel,
to think of cinnamon
and long
for you.
-Mag
*That High Maintenance Sub Bitch*
Ironically I've found my way, via a Dom here to a site that's quite informative and will prove helpful in helping me understand some things about myself.? However, in reading through an article there I found that I was picking up quite a bit..just pulling it out of the air like radio signals.? After reading this article I got a chill up my spin, because I wrote an journal here on CM that mirrors it...almost word for word:
Now read my May 27 journal entrie..eerie eh?? BAH perhaps I just need sleep.
-Exhausted, Mag
*Today I Cried*
This has been without a doubt THE oddest day like ever.? I haven't been to sleep since night before last but I feel accomplished because the bulk of the new site is in order and ready for the public. Right now it's a matter of writing and writing and writing. And posting things.?
However I have the other part of my life that was in sort of shambles.? I'm in a marriage that I want out of for so many reasons, but I was also at an impasse there too.? He doesn't want out or so he says.? For that past few months I was teaching myself to just do without him and in the past 2 and a half weeks teaching myself to go without my ex Dom, whom I go back and forth between hating and then longing for everyday..? Being exhausted and accomplished and sad and frustrated today culminated in my taking a long shower, as long as I can anyway and walking out to talk to my husband and sharing a few things with him that I hadn't flat out said before.
I've said in journals before I always considered him my best friend. Even when I found a Dom here he's the 1st person I wanted to tell..which doesn't work out well considering... But today I did tell. Today I sat down and said this is what I need, do or die, but I can't not be this part of myself anymore.? Choose.? Choose to be here with me and no one else and I'll do the same or let me go.
After some asking me if I was serious a few times, because yeah he'd gotten the hints about BDSM, but didn't think I was at all serious about this, he went outside for a while and I thought oh well, now at least I have a clear path of which way to go in this particular matter.? He then completely surprised me and came into my home office and stared at me a second before grabbing a hand full of my hair and jerking my head back. Then pulled me to my feet and pulled my shorts down and spanked me for 15 min as hard as I like it and then took me into the bedroom, tied me to the bed with neckties, blind folded and gagged me with my tights and hurt me like I liked.? I did indeed get near tears.
He says now that he's clear very clear on the matter he's willing to try to do what I like and we'll see.
So anyone got any links for beginner Doms?? We'll see how this goes....
And the song for this rainy-I'm so bruised and sore and exhausted about to pass out day is Colour-Seal
Colour
Ohhh....
Colour fades away
With a light descending on the day
Midnight sees your friend
Oh could you call his name
Would you know his name
I dream so bo...ld
But, God only knows...
Colour fades away
Good times here today
Meanwhile you could say
I close my eyes
Colour fades away
Tell me who are you for
anyway
Midnight sees your friend
Will there be a beginning in the end
God only knows what we've put in that paint
God only knows...
Colour fades away
Good times here today
Almost every day
Meanwhile you would say
I close my eyes...
and dream of only yesterday
Colour fades away
Good times here today
Almost everyday
Meanwhile you could say
That I clo...se my eyes
That I clo...se my eyes...
Colour
Fades to grey
I dream so exciting
But I, I feel so bo...ld
Midnight... midnight... midnight...
Midnight... midnight... midnight...
Today was spent getting caught up on things so long left neglected when I came here nearly 6 months ago now.
As always I usually have Movies, TV or music that inspires or motivates me to get these things done.? I'm still pretty tired from being up so late/early but am managing to barrel through everything at a rather quick pace.? It's amazing what you can get done when single minded and focused.
I must admit it's been difficult to focus up til now.? When you become so completely wrapped up in something or someone and allow yourself to be pulled away from these things that were so important to you before, you have an odd sense of guilt for leaving them behind. The guilt becomes even more overwhelming when you have to return to them and you try to figure out why you left them behind.? The other added difficulty is trying not to be distracted by your guilt or the thing or situation that pulled you away from these tasks before.? I'm one of those who sees symbolism in everything and also since I have trust issues, I don't always trust my little voice when it clearly says, "NO MAG, this is not where you're supposed to be or what you're supposed to be doing."? When I do manage to listen to that voice, I have yet more guilt for having to pull away from things and people.? I want to be able to tell them that I do love them but I have to finish what I've started.? Call it obsessive, call it crazy, but I HAVE to do this, or there are many more sleepness and peaceless nights headed my way.
I do rarely know moments of quiet and peace and those I treasure more than I can put into words. And to those who gave me those moments of peace, whether they know or don't, I'm eternally grateful.?? But know that those moments won't last long. I do hate sometimes the voice that pipes up in my head and tells me when it's just in passing.? I know some would call that some sort of self sabatoge, and I would agree but I don't hear it always and with all people and situations.? But when I do hear it's quite clear, even though I might not want to hear.?
So today in wandering around the house some of my favorite movies and songs have caught my attention and the ones that tug on my heart strings or take me to a place that I know I don't need to be now, I've avoided.? The Notebook is due on in a few hours and I'll be leaving the Oxygen Network behind before it does.? I also had to quickly leave behind What Happens in Vegas after catching the song at the last scene.? I think I'm giving up the proverbial chic flicks from here to forever.? My inner child really buys into the whole there is one love out there for you, and that things will work out in the end with a happy little bow.? To my little voice that believes that..well we'll be buying you a gag and not the fun kind.
(Oh I didn't forget those of you who love to know the song that goes with this post.)
*What Happens in Vegas Soundtrack* *I'm Not Over-Carolina Liar*
what a waste of time
the thought crossed my mind
that i never missed a beat
cant explain the who or what i was
trying to believe
what would you do what would you do
do you know
i once had a grip on everything
it feels better to let go
im not over
im not over you just yet
can not hide it
you're not that easy to forget
im not over
never took the chance
could have jumped the fence
but was scared of my own 2 feet
could have crossed the line
it was black and white
no contrast to be seen
what would you do what would you do
do you know
was it all a joke
never had control
im not better on my own
im not over
im not over you just yet
can not hide it
you're not that easy to forget
im not over
what a waste of time
the thought crossed my mind
cant explain this thing or what i mean
im trying to let go
im not over
im not over you just yet
can not hide it
you're not that easy to forget
im not over
im not over
*Can you handle the truth*
Oh great now my sleeping patterns are screwed. So very screwed up that I contemplated going out again tonight. Seeing as I don't have to work, it would have been optimal. But instead I'm up reading and found what I think is my new favorite quote.
"I love you, and because I love you, I would sooner have you hate me for telling you the truth than adore me for telling you lies.? ~ Pietro Aretino
That is all
-Mag (who wishes she were asleep, oh if only she could be.
*Like Visa..*
Well last nights festivities went over well, even my hair held up well, which is quite a feat.?
I made some great new contacts and some new friends and fans.? Always when we have these events someone happens to a member of the entourage (I can't say MY entourage because each of us is a star in her own right, lol).? This time was random accosting by the male folk.? I gotta say one guy made me laugh so hard..until he grabbed my ass anyway.?
We kept running into each other and the last time I saw him I says "You again?!" He promptly swept me up in his arms and says "Baby I'm like Visa, I'm everywhere you wanna be..."Ahh...drunken folk. Gotta love them. He looked familiar, I'm wondering if he's a CMer...hmmm...
-A very exhausted, mellow, sounding like a phone sex operator-Mag
*And to YOU I say...*
Yes another journal two in one day. I do that sometimes.? So it has gotten back to me that certains are a little offended by my journals.? Allow me to retort by quoting some Eminem..
I don't give a fuck God sent me to piss the world off...
That is all
-Mag
*E.L.E.? (Extinction Level Event*
So I'm up thinking of all the things I have to do to get ready for this event. I both love and hate going to these things, but work is work either way.
There is always the part of meeting new people which is interesting but got me to thinking.? Been rambling around here for a few months now and I get a photo from time to time or see one when I log in and I notice us femme types always try to take a nice picture.? We always say men are visual, but I think the same holds true, especially in a sexually charged type situation.? Now I'm a little off in my thinking so I can usually zero in on a quality that I like in someone and go from there.? Like I LOVE 'em tall and athletic. Long eye lashes, deep, what I call, rumbling thunder voices.? I am a smart girl though so I know this is all physical.
Now I'm noticing that a lot of men here DO NOT take good photos. Pictures of you on your fishing boat, or of your junk, or of you when you were 20pds heavier or lighter, or when you were in your 20s and now you're in your 60s..COME ON.? I figure my photo is blurred so not much you can see there anyway, but if you could see you'd see not much has changed.? Longer hair and about 15 pounds lighter (15 more to go WOOT), but you can't see my body in other words, there is no lie there.? I have gotten photos of some of you and they are just crazy photos where you look like you eat cats as a side dish or you eat WOMEN (not in the fun way) in your spare time and are planning on using their skin for a woman suit.? I don't mind a bare chest, I in fact got a photo of a gorgeous young Dom yesterday who had my girls here oooh and ahhhhing for hours after. And yet another talk dark delicious drink of water who wasn't showing anything but attitude in his photo.? So why are some of you thinking a woman will give you the time of day when you look crazy?? Yes women are attracted to what they see too.? But you do have to have more than just looks in the end. Cause I think Brad Pitt is good looking and a good actor but I wouldnt date him. Keanu...see that's where personality kicks in...I think of him as still waters that run really deep..in every sense of the word deep. MMmmm is it hot to anyone else?
Oh song of the day...well I was listening to an instrumental from the movie Snatch (A Brad Pitt movie, see how I tie it all together?) It's called Fucking in the Bushes.? The only lyrics are out takes from the movie, but it's high energy.? If you've seen the movie, it's the song playing in the last fight scene.? Later kiddies, I'm off to enjoy the drizzling cool outside...ah how I miss Seattle. Oh wait, I guess I DO have some song lyrics for you.? Another song called Moving to Seattle by The Material and I fell in love with it playing Rock Band.
-Moving to Seattle*
I can smell it on the pavement It's about to rain and you can feed me all the pills you want But you cannot stop the pain
Am I forcing my hand To write this down? Today is the day that I finally realized That I can't rely on anyone except myself
So you think you understand me? You're so anxious to evaluate Well maybe I'm well Maybe I'm fine, I'm fine I'm fine Maybe I'm in love.
Am I forcing my hand To write this down? Today is the day that I finally realized That I can't rely on anyone except myself
Don't just stand there It's about to rain. Well maybe my dreams Are just more interesting Than my reality After all this time...
See it through MY eyes
Am I forcing my hand? Am I forcing my hand...
*Song of the Day*
This morning is yet another lovely fall day and I've decided, when I can I'll post song lyrics for the day along with my usual banter.
This morning I woke up and I'm REALLY exhausted.? I was up late going through advertisers code, trying to place them here and there on my site.? This is no easy task as ads placed in the wrong place won't get the proper traffic.? I woke up, tired but determined to get most of this done, as tomorrow is nails and hair, YAY for events! LOL!
Does anyone know if black nails are still in this fall?? Been meaning to paint mine black for the longest and even let them grow out this time for this reason.? Oh hell I'll paint them anyway, it'll be cute because it's me!? In other words, I'll go with the Flow
*Go With The Flow*
She said I'll throw myself away They're just photos after all I can't make you hang around I can't wash you off my skin Outside the frame Is what we're leaving out You won't remember anyway
I can go With the Flow Don't say it doesn't matter Matter anymore I can go With the Flow Do you believe it in your head?
It's so safe to play along Little soldiers in a row Falling in and out of love Something sweet to throw away I want something GOOD to die for To make it beautiful to live I want a new mistake Loses more than hesitates Do you believe it in your head?
I can go With the Flow Don't say it doesn't matter Matter anymore I can go With the Flow Do you believe it in your head?
-Queens of the Stone Age-
-Mag
*Just for you*
Well I'm getting a flurry of emails asking questions about journals and what happened with me and a said un named person.? Well, you can read the forums for a literal interpretation or these song lyrics that are about to follow.? They about sum it up, lol.
God Given Name (excerpt)
Get me, get me out of this box I feel so claustrophobic in here Leave your labels, leave with no vision Hear my voice and feel with your ears I'm no soul girl, 'quipped with no afro I'm just my God Given Name
I'm not becoming expectations I'm not HER and never will be Two girls gone in different directions Traveling 'cross the same galaxy Let my starlight shine on it's own No I'm no sister... I'm just my God Given Name
I'm sorry if this planet that I'm living on is quizzical, My lyrical ambition sometimes don't ring a bell I'm sorry if my visual don't light up with my feelings And my physical exhibit doesn't represent me well I'm sorry if I'm curious, delirious, and I don't take life serious, I'm here at the life of a million debts I'm sorry if I'm talkin shit But I really do mean well
We've got a long long way to Glow We've got a long way to travel I've gotta dream just to keep my eyes open..
We've got so far to go We've got a long long way to Glow.... A long road to travel... And I'm just my God Given Name...
-Just Mag
*Perspective, served fresh*
Today is Mabon if you Pagan and First day of Fall for you regular folk.? My first day of Mabon/Fall was rainy, windy and cool.? I have loved every minute of it.? I drove to get my caffeine injection from Starbucks and cut some guy off, but made up for it by flirting with him, lol.?
I drove with the windows down, inhaling the scent that only comes with the fall weather. It's been raining all day and I love every drip drop of it.? So I'm driving and enjoying the selection my Zune is playing FOR me and it's hitting all the right tunes. Seether-Driven Under is one of my favorite songs too. (Since I know some of you like when I put the music in -wink wink- Im giving you song titles and artists.? Anyway in listening to Seether and as always, thinking when I'm driving, I realize summer is over.? It's hard to believe i've been here on CM nearly half a year and right now I know myself just a little bit better than I did just 6 short months ago. I am still the same vicious bitch but I know I have some softness inside for the right person should they ever come along.? And I know that I'm starting to reclaim a me that I thought I lost so long ago.
All my website woes are nearly over, as I prepare to relaunch in just a few days (I hope hope hope, hurry up advertisers sista needs some dough).? I have new friends and old ones who are still around and keeping me afloat.? I realize recently how important it is to keep your friends around, or you have a lot of things to carry around with you alone.? Sure I'm a strong girl, but it's nice to sometimes call, or text, im or twitter and vent.? Sometimes those friends, if they are real ones, put you back in check or offer you ice cream to eat if you need it.? I love when I have a new perspective on things...ah....So to all my friends old and new, many many besos to you and you know where to send the ice cream or who to call when and if it's your turn to lean.? Now if you will pardon me..I have a Mabon to celebrate, Marvel Alliance 2 to play and some trash to talk on XBL.
-A very happy, content girl Mag
*Good vs Evil*
This past week I've been privy to conversations between people who are having a terrible time in life. They are struggling to make ends meet and are just keeping their heads above water (lot of metaphors there).
And this morning after waking to my house smelling like hot trash, I am watching scream.? I began thinking about all the people that have been found dead this week and how the media covers it.? Right now it's like people are punished for being good.? People who pay their mortgages on their homes, can't get help so they don't fall behind; They only get help if they DO fall behind.
Die saving a kid or a kitten, sure you'll get a blurb on the news, but who gets the real press?? The mass murders.? No wonder our kids go crazy or kill a bunch of folk.? That's how you get your 15 mof (minutes of fame).? In short, no good deed goes unpunished.
-Mag
I love fall!? When everything else is going to sleep or dying I come to life.? For others this happens in spring.? Not me, everything is sharper, clearer, I can feel every sensation..just everything.? I can literally pinpoint the DAY the weather changes and it's about to cool off and become fall.? So this morning driving my little one to school I had the windows down and playing a little Aisha Duo-Despertar.? She, like me has the ability to split the song up in her head and hear the instruments individually so we're naming them as we drive.? It was so relaxing.? And apparently we relaxed everyone else around us, they were smiling as soon as they walked past the car or pulled up next to us.
As she got out of the car my new favorite rapper (who is ironically a nerdy little white guy that looks like he sells shoes for a living) Despot came on. My Zune usually plays the same songs over and over and over though I have thousands on it, so I rarely hear this song and forgot how much I love it.? The lyrics are soooo old school and reminds me of a much quieter time in life, while still having the punch in needs to make it truly Hip Hop, not rap.? And because I love lyrics (especially these and the significance they have now) I had to share them:
Everyone
clap for the crap artists
A pat on the back to whichever one sounds smartest Capture the
magic of blabbering half-hearted
And the last rambling man standing laughs hardest
Can't handle the grandstanding on red carpets
Doin' the camera flash thing in new pants, targets
Doin' it to catch a glance of a new fast startin'
They only listen to what you spinnin' what the bad part is
Eyes glazed over watchin' idols cry for food Words
big as their appetites and none of ?em are true Fresh outta
shit to say but still got plenty to prove
These words are made for talkin' and talkin's not for you
My sleeves are stuffed with better ways to say things
I pull ?em out at the first hit and it's spellbreakin'
Real magic making for an honorable mention
So rap where people can see you my weak homies' tentin'
Only tip my hat to cats to scratch the doors in it
Fill it up, wanna rap and distract the lost children
Make a living offa milkin' ?em for teardrops
And mashin' work together till the motherfuckin' beat stops
Soon enough they'll tell you
that you're spoutin out their dreams
Not the racket of an idiot with eyes
on that supreme spot
And a foldin' chair to pull up at the top
For a seat next to the door that where the shit that doesn't stink drops
Could almost see it every time I pitch rocks
Camped out in a glass house with a slingshot
I get paid to breathe, hooray for me, hooray for me, hooray for me
I get paid to breathe, hooray for me, hooray for me, hooray for me
I get paid to breathe, hooray for me, hooray for me, hooray for me
Great job rapping, now the second hand knows your name
And it's playing bloody knuckles with your 15 minutes of fame
That's bout off the top ten list just a stain
But everything looks better when you put it in a
frame
Just hang it next to that impressive portrait of your pain
And nag about how it's
unfortunate to be the same
Charge ?em for repeat because your mouth's quick thanks for comin'
Superstar mystique couldn't see what but
it was stunnin'
Get every rhythm and crowd buzzin'
Till that old fat lady is too weak to sing above it
So it's over when it's muffled by the rumble of her stomach
Or somebody tends to shovel thinkin' they finally struck it
For the deeper meaning thinkers who treasures the
whoopee cushion
And a fresh new grave you already put your foot in Sitting
on a secret now you're embarrassed for looking
And that big red button looks about right for pushing Some of us took the magic beans for food
So whoever farts the loudest is obviously the truth And what
could make me prouder than pourin' salt in the wounds
Of them kids that still believe cows jump over moons Something to do while makin' sure you all stay dizzy
Ball up the fists squeeze the
life out of pretty
Wait until their back's turned, screaming,, don't hit me And they'll find no pity because the sign
said kick me
I get paid to breathe, hooray for me, hooray for me, hooray for me
I get paid to breathe, hooray for me, hooray for me, hooray for me
I get paid to breathe, hooray for me, hooray for me, hooray for me
Verballytoxic1 - I less than 3 U, lol!!? I'm just gonna steal your journal for my own.....
Spotting a Wanna be Dom
-A Dom who expects the submissive to come to them fully educated,
? trained and prepared regardless of what the Dom/sub may be into.
? -A Dom who doesn't start every session by discussing the safeword even if it's the same exact one from last time
? -If submissive is gagged and the Dom doesn't agree to some very clear and obvious body motion to symbolize the safeword
? -Any Dom who is more interested in strictly their own pleasure and desires than the balance that should exist between D/s
? -A Dom who doesn't go over all specifics as to what the submissive is
? and isn't interested in, what they refuse to do, what they're curious
? in doing.
? -A Dom who won't tell a submissive exactly what they expect of the submissive
? -A Dom who expects every submissive to give them everything they want
? -A Dom who will expect that they are treated well but then goes on to
? treat other Doms and submissives badly for no clear reason
? -A Dom who participates in the unfortunate highschool style drama that tends to exist within BDSM groups and local scenes.
? -A Dom who uses their current submissive to reassure/coerce another/new
? submissive when the new submissive is uncomfortable and doesn't want to
? continue with the session/particular act
? -A Dom who isn't interested in what a potential submissive feels/thinks/has to say even before the session begins
? -A Dom who won't readily admit that while they may have the right to
? use, control, and even hit, spank, whip, flog, cut, scratch, etc., they
? also have the requirement to take care of the submissive physically AND
? mentally, before, during and after play.
? -A Dom who is willing to pass a sub around to other Doms, especially if each Dom has their own set of rules to be followed
? -A Dom who will create traps and expectations that only exist for the submissive to fail
? -A Dom who isn't willing to spend time with a submissive even when
? they're not playing, discussing play, or may end up playing in the near
? future
? -A Dom who is unwilling to try things for the pleasure of the submissive
? -A Dom who readily enjoys BDSM and new aspects of BDSM without educating themselves first
? -Any Dom who may have a God complex (don't look at me, don't speak
? unless spoken to, I am always right and you are here to make me feel
? good)
? -Any Dom who isn't interested in getting to know the person they may be playing with later
? -Any Dom who may show signs that they are unwilling to respect the
? sub's boundaries, not just in play but in life as well (i.e. stalker
? behavior)
? -A Dom who is not willing to let a submissive take all the time they
? need in slowly adjusting to a new type of play, new assignment, or new
? concept within the relationship
? -A Dom who is unwilling to admit that they are not perfect, that they do make mistakes, that they always have more to learn?
Ok had to steal this from my homie. Had me seriously LoLing
* If you're a dom who thinks a good buy is that puppy collar on special at K-Mart...You ain't. ??????? * If you're a dom and you think that a "crop" is this autumn's wheat harvest...You ain't. ??????? * If you're a dom and you think a sub needs lettuce, tomato and pickles...You ain't. ??????? * If you're a dom and you think your sub can stay underwater for weeks...You ain't. ??????? * If you're a dom and you think "topping" is what Dairy Queen puts on your banana split...You ain't. ???????
* If you're a domme who thinks that "surrender" is what happens when
the Vice Squad breaks down your door for pandering...You ain't. ??????? * If you're a dom and you think "nipple clamps" are plumber's tools...You ain't!! ??????? * If you're a dom and you think "orgasm" is the art of Japanese paper folding...You ain't. ??????? * If you're a dom who thinks that handcuffs come in only two styles: fur-lined and miniature keychain...You ain't! ???????
* If you're a dom who thinks that "blindfolding" is packing away your
duck blind at the end of hunting season...Forget it...You ain't. ??????? * If you're a D/s couple and you think "a scene" is having an argument in front of company...You ain't. ??????? * If you're a sub who thinks that a "G-spot" is a one-thousand dollar bill...You ain't. ??????? * If you're a D/s couple that thinks that "role playing" is something that you do at the craps table...You ain't. ??????? * If you're a dom whose idea of the "perfect scene" is a Bud Lite commercial at half-time...You ain't. ??????? * If you're a dom who thinks that a "red bottom" is one of them there "foreign" beers...You ain't. ???????
* If you're a dom who thinks that "a paddling" is something you do when
the trolling motor on your bass boat runs out of gas...You ain't. ??????? * If you're a dom who thinks that a "slave contract" is a right you lost in the War of Northern Aggression...You ain't. ??????? * If you're a domme and you think a "cock ring" is a place for fighting chickens...You ain't. ??????? * If you're a domme who thinks that "boot worship" is one of those New-Age religions...You ain't. ??????? * If you're a dom and you think "suspension" is something that holds up your pants...Then you ain't. ???????
* If you're a dom and you think a "cat o' nine tails" is what your pet
will give birth to if you live near a nuclear power plant...Then you
ain't ??????? * If you're a domme who thinks a "pillory" is something used to remove unsightly hair growth...then baby, you ain't. ??????? * If you're a dom who thinks "bondage" is a series of spy movies...Then you definitely ain't. ??????? * If you're a dom and you think a "ball gag" is a joke about sports...Then, honey, you ain't ??????? * If you're a dom who thinks that a "rack" is a place to store your rifles...You ain't. ??????? * If you're a dom who thinks that "stocks" are something rich people invest in...You ain't. ??????? * If you're a dom who thinks that a "yoke" is something you dip your toast into each morning...You ain't. ??????? * If you're a dom who thinks that "spermicide" is a mass whale-beaching...You ain't. ??????? * If you're a domme who thinks that "AstroGlide" is your telephone psychic...You ain't. ??????? * If you're a dom who thinks that "fetish" is some kind of goat cheese...You ain't. ??????? * If you're a domme who thinks that "C&BT" is a place where you'd like to open a savings account...You ain't.?
-Mag
Ah today I woke up and got the best news, very good news indeed.
So I had to play my theme song:
Now that you're out of my life I'm so much better, You thought that I'd be weak without you? I'm stronger. You thought that I'd be broke without you but I'm richer You thought that I'd be sad without you, I laugh HARDER You thought I wouldn't grow without you, now I'm wiser Thought that I'd be helpless with you But I'm smarter You thought that I'd be stressed without you but I'm chillin... Thought I wouldn't sell without you, sold my million.
I'm a Survivor I'm not gone give up I'm not gone stop I'm gone work harder
I'm a Survivor I'm gonna make it I will Survive this And keep on Survivin'
Thought I couldn't breathe without you? I'm inhaling You thought I couldn't see without your perfect vision You thought I couldn't last without you but I'm lasting You thought that I would die without you, but I'm livin You thought that I would fail without you? I'm on TOP Thought it would be over by now, but it won't stop Thought that I would self destruct? I'm still here
AND EVEN IN MY YEARS TO COME, I'm STILL GONE BE HERE
I'm a Survivor...
Wishing you the best, pray that you are blessed, much success, no stress and lots of happiness.
I'm better than that
I'm not gonna blast you on the radio
I'm better than that
I'm not gone lie on you and your family oh
I'm better than that
I'm not gone hate on you in the magazines
I'm better than that...
I'm not I'm not gone compromise my Christianity (Uh..pagan)
I'm better than that
You know I'm not gone dis you on the internet.
Cause MY mama taught me better than that.
I'm a Survivor...
After all the darkness and sadness, soon comes happiness, if I sound myself with positive things, I'll gain prosperity.
Mag
*You're not real you don't exist*
See the title, you know who you are, stop reading my profile and dont bother to read previous, editing all traces of you out. And a big FUCK YOU to no. 3 and kiss my ass to no 10. To quote a spell I learned a long time ago.
You're not real you don't exist.
**P2**
So I'm sitting and watching a movie on Encore called P2 and as usual I get irritated when seeing women who are so clearly...stupid and have no sense of survival.
I've often been asked about where I have female empowerment or something like that in my profile and how I can be a sub and still believe in female empowerment.??? I had to explain that just a most men are proud to be men, I'm proud to be female, so utterly female and though I may be submissive, that does not equal doormat.
?I think Jaime Foxx said it best when he said that women bend, but do not break.? I am very proud to be a woman but I don't get these types in movies who sit there and cry when the bad guy is chasing them.? Once when I was little before memories, a man held my mother hostage against her will.? Asit was told to me she said that he told her he was going to rape and kill her.? She said she begged for her life and told him I was only 3 and at home and please don't kill her and to let her come home to me.? Luckily a couple happened by and noticed something was wrong and doubled back, she was able to escape.? Her best friend was also raped and murdered and tossed in the Bayou some years later.? They don't know who did it, but wouldn't it be ironic if it were the same man.? In any case I grew up with a mother who was very paranoid about teaching me to survive at all costs.? I know they teach, hurt them and get away.? My mother said hurt them and make sure they don't follow you, even if that means killling them, but you get back home no matter what.? And I was taught that ANYTHING is a weapon that you can get your hands on, this was even before I took the martial arts.
So this hit and run thing..um no.? This crying and cowering, no. If you try and take me, we're goin to the woodshed and one of us is NOT comin back.? Hate these friggin movies!
-Mag
*The Question of You*
So what is the answer To the question of you
What do I live for
What shall I do
Which way do I turn When I'm feeling lost
If I sell my soul How much will it cost
Shall I become wicked No image at all
Shall I remain upright Or get down and crawl
All of the questions in my life will be answered when I decide to talk to Jesus
What is the answer to, the question of you?
Those are the lyrics to one of my favorite songs by Prince and also a song that prompted a lot of deep life long thinking.? The answer today is that it sucks to be me.? I have developed a nagglingly good and naggingly bad habit of trying to face who I am.? Good, because I have an idea of what I'm capable of and not capable of.? Many people go through their lives and never realize this about themselves.? I don't lie to myself about things and if I should find myself leaning toward doing that, it prompts a long 'bout of thinking. Why am I trying to lie to myself and if I'm fearful or misunderstanding of the situation. What's REALLY happening here.? I either come to a conclusion or put it aside for further future inspection when maybe I can understand it better.
Since I've come here to CM I've learned all sorts of things about myself and in doing so I look to learn more.? I spend time looking at song lyrics like those above(from when I was younger), reading journals I wrote when I was 13, 14 years old and remembering frames of mind I was in when certain events happened in my life and looking at it from the 'now that I'm older' perspective.
The bad in all of this is that for some reason all of this time, I've assumed that everyone I know is on this same train in one way or another.? And if I have met others who weren't I try to help, but my help almost always comes off condescending.? So I've started keeping my mouth shut and that goes over swimmingly too.? I get calls saying, well if you knew I did so and so why didn't you say so?? My new answer is that 'You weren't ready to hear me anyway, so why argue with you about it?'
I keep having an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer come to mind. The season where Adam was her bad guy, if you watched the show. If you'll remember someone used magic to change reality and only Adam could clearly see that none of what they were seeing was real. I remember him telling one of the vampires in a rather disgusted tone, "These are lies..none of this is real." while they looked at something on TV. The vamp asked him how he could know that and he said something like "I'm the most aware being on this planet. I'm aware of every molecule in my body, in tune with every part of me." Something like that and I thought first, "WOW that's some good writing," and then I thought WOW...what would it be to be like that?? That of course prompted deep thought about me and being more self aware. Habits I have, why I do them, and how it affects other people.? Once I become aware of something I THINK may be aggitate (sp?) someone else it becomes part of my initial warning to them about certain things about my personality which could appear abrasive.?
But for some reason people take this wrong. Maybe my telling them is just not proper etiquette.? Perhaps they think I'm thinking I'm better than them when it's so far from the truth.? I am self aware, that doesn't make me better, just...me.? I loved when I came here because I thought this is the one place I will be able to be me and not be judged.? But even I find myself judging others here. I'll look at kinks of others and go...ugh and then immediately after I'll reprimand myself because I know it's wrong to think badly of others because of what THEY like.? I don't have to like what they like, the beauty of all of this is that I get to be me and they get to be them.
And here is yet again where it sucks to be me.? I've been in heated discussions with people who point out MY flaws as part of the fight and I'm always shocked. I don't know why exactly. Oh it's not that I don't think I have flaws, it's because I think...wow I did tell you I'm self aware. I'm aware I have more eyelashes on one eye or that I stand more on my left foot than my right, that if I concentrate when I have a headache I can make it go away, that my breathing and heart rate actually slow when I stand up, that I'm brutally blunt, flippant, overly emotional and the list goes on. I'm not aware of every molecule in my body but I know me pretty well and I make no more apologies about being me, I WILL apologize if being me offended you, but not FOR being me.? I can't be anything BUT me. I can learn new things, but the core essence of me remains the same since I've been born.? Short of a severe head injury that would change my memories and make me forget my life, I don't know what to tell anyone who's offended by me being me.
Do I get offended by others and their habits. Of course, but I always say, I KNOW that this person couldn't have meant it this way. IF I know them that is. All bets are off if I don't you.? You MIGHT have meant it that way and were in fact out to try and hurt me.? I have to wait in that instance.? So I'm more inclined to just shy away from most people because it's really difficult to stand and either be BSed by people who think you're not smart enough to see through it (and I don't think for a minute all of this group of folk are actually thinking that deep-trying to trick you, they just BS, perhaps they believe what they are saying) or people say they understand you but should you step outside of what THEY think is right, there is something wrong with YOU, not that their thinking and logic maybe doesn't apply to you.
So I'm concluding that I expect too much of others sometimes and perhaps they are expecting something of me that I'm not living up to.? Which is unfair on both parts. It's hard to follow rules when they are unspoken. At the same time these are things that cant be spoken and have to be learned.? So...still sucks to be me.
-Mag
*The Dancehall Mix*
So I'd intended this blog to be a revelation I had today while at a festival, but now I'm just upset and bewildered.
Not to do with my previous post but someone else entirely.? But as I can't go into detail about that without it adding more fuel to the fire, I'll try to write around it.
So here is my writing around it.? Some people have a tendency to think when I speak to them that I'm being harsh or trying come off as I know it all.? I don't hear this often but when I did hear it the first time I went to do a lot of self examination...am I being a know it all?? I came to the conclusion that I wasn't.? I came to this conclusion because I KNOW a know it all.? He's my brother in law, but I digress.? I came to several conclusions.? I do NOT argue about things I know nothing about. I can give an opinion, a heated one if I feel that opinion is being disregarded in favor of the other party's opinion. Meaning in the end we can agree to disagree and that's always acceptable to me.
I'll use an example, you say..I HATE Strawberry Ice cream, it always has too many strawberries. I'd say..really? I love it, can't have too many strawberries for me.? -end example-? This seems simple enough. I love it, the other person hates it and at the end of the day, they can get whatever flavor they like and I can get the strawberry and everyone SHOULD be happy right? Wrong.? Some people HEAR something else entirely when I say I love the Strawberry ice cream.? They hear me say, I know more about strawberries than they do and what else they hear gets worse from there...then it's a fight.
Now if I heard this from everyone I'd ever met then I'd have to say..wow I'm really a know it all bitch.? I always look inside at myself before I blame or question anyone else about something we disagree on.? I replay the conversation in my head..did I say something wrong that this person is now yelling at me about this ice cream. Sometimes perhaps I did. Perhaps I said it in a snooty way or perhaps I didn't.?? At the end of the day we have to sometimes say..you know what. I can't make everyone happy.? And you never know what the other person is hearing and just say well...sorry. I was just saying how I felt about the ice cream, really I meant no harm.? Once again that should lead to everyone being happy.? But it doesn't always and the fight goes on and on and on and on.....
I'm tired of even writing this now.? Forget the ice cream perhaps I'll just have some fruit. But someone will be offended by that too I'm sure.
--Mag
*Warpath*
So tonight I find out someone I considered a close friend, stabbed me
in the back.? While this would prompt a myriad of tears and phone calls
to said friend from a lot of women, I don't operate that way.?
I plan to keep moving but I don't
just forgive and forget, especially when said party never even tried to
apologize and won't apologize and is instead playing dumb as to what
she's done.? What am I going to do?? Well to TRY to end this post on a
humorous note I'll quote Bugs Bunny..Of course you know..this means war.
--Mag
*Genesis*
So the past 2 nights I've been watching some old movies and noticed that I tend towards the movies with BDSM-esque scenes in them.
I've been saying since I started this that I've had these submissive tendencies my whole life, but have had to tended toward my dominant side because I had no choice in my current living situation.? I have to be in charge and handle everything, which I hate.? Now that's not to say I don't love it in the business world, but when I get done with that I wanna shut down and...well you get the picture.
So I'm watching these movies and was making note of my favorite scenes.? I'll usually let movies run while I do other things and stop to watch the parts I like.? ALL the parts I like have a little BDSM in them, lol.? For instance, if you've ever seen Practical Magic, there is a scene where Nicole Kidman's character is blind folded by her boyfriend and pulled seductively into the darkness...I LOVE that.? And there is Strange Days, where Juliette Lewis's character is handcuffed to a bed, blind folded and her underwear is cut from her...see where I'm going with this?
I'm always amazed and how much this has been a part of me and for how long it's been a part of me...and hidden.? It's very nice to finally understand this and not think I should seek professional help.? I'm normal! YAY! Well..I'm sorta normal. But that's another blog....
-Mag
*Lovely Day*
Oh don't let the title mislead you. I'm not having a lovely day.? It's not a bad one either, just frustrating.? I've spent the last few months to a year rebuilding my website, from the ground up.? I learned PhP, how to do CSSes, use photoshop to make graphics and write scripts, things I'm so very weak at doing. But I'm getting stronger.
I know a lot of people fancy themselves web designers because they put a blog and changed a few colors, but trust me when you have a site and it's a community, then it's different. WAY different.? So my frustration comes in that I'm having a creativity block, something that I'm never lacking in.? And usually I have ways of getting that creativity going and I got ZERO in the ideas department.? So I'm frustrated with myself for being so off today.? On the plus side...I learned to make breakfast tacos.? Gotta find out joy where we can.
I've also spent the months thinking about life changes.? I spent 7 years building a site, a brand and everything else that goes along with my site.? I've had more people come and go and truthfully it was a huge source of angst to me before.? I am an introvert by nature. I like to be the quiet one in the corner who watches everyone.? I know where that comes from or I think I do.? When I was in the my developmental years, those teen years where you learn how to truly be social...well I didn't have lights at home or a phone.? So I didn't get to chat all the time..well except for when I started working and paying for the lights and phone myself.? But I think I missed out on how to connect to people and I convinced myself I was too strange to really interact with people.? It took all these years for me to realize it's ok to just be me and people will love you for it.? I use to sing back in the day and quit because of a bad night on stage that was entirely not my fault.? I decided that perhaps singing wasn't for me because I had severe stage fright. I'm talking dizzy, throwing up, the whole nine.? The only time I didn't do this was when I had to sing in a competition a few days after my mother had passed on.? I told myself then that I had to do it, that I had to lift my voice high enough for her to hear it in heaven or be loud of enough to hear it wherever she may be.? I walked away with 1st place, but the lesson learned didn't hit me until last year.? I was 20 something when my mother died.? This lesson hit me when late last year I got a call asking if one of my girls could speak a a conference.? Said girl didn't respond fast enough so I stepped in to do it.?
Now truthfully I like to stay behind the scenes and run my business that way.? I do that because truthfully 1. I don't like other people with their hands in my money, and 2. I believe if you want it done right you do it yourself.? So I usually send someone else to speak, to get info, to meet with people. That and I have a tend to be really pushy, forceful and abrasive with people, not to mention I am a little shy with people at first.? So this is who I thought I was for a long time until this conference.? I got up there and sat beside women who I always thought of as royalty in my field of business. I sat with them and not only did I hold my own, I stole the show.? When done I did interviews with cameras in my face and smiled for pictures and signed autographs ( this I don't get, I'm not a rock star, just a girl who loves what she does) and none of it made me sick, dizzy or throw up, and I wasn't shy or abrasive or any of the things I'd come to associate with my business self.? Though my voice was faltering and my face was swollen and my face hurt due to an allergic reaction to some nuts I ate on my flight, I wasn't the least bit self conscious or worried about it.?
I have started to realize how strong I really am. I knew it before, but now I believe it.? As for all the business stress..several have been sent packing and some of left and the ones who remain said to me last week that I'm reminding them of the eerie calm before the storm.? I said yes, but this is a different kind of storm that's coming.? Be ready.
-A frustrated but full of delicious breakfast tacos-Mag
-Mag
**Blah**
It's one of those strange days that I can't say is good or bad.? I think I'm just very tired and stretched thin.? I've had worse, but the fact that I'm all wracked with emotion doesn't help either.
So for those who've written and wondered where I've been and what I've been doing and missed my witty reparte' (did I spell that right? Blah) I did meet a Dom last week of April and had a nice time (I'm totally understating that, lol).? So what did the previous BDSM virgin do?? Well I was a little nervous but aside from that I fell into the role pretty easily.? Though I do have issues outside of the bedroom, as I knew I would.? Other parts of me are a fighter and I'll die fighting, so I can't submit when there is no sex involved.? That's not entirely right either.? It's more of a...there are certain times when I'm just dominant and I can't help that at all.? And the dominant side I should say is not at all sexual.
While most people admit to having several facets to their personalities, I actually talk to mine. Give them names and that's how I think things through.? My dominant personality is the one that has helped me survive all these years. She's my protector, my champion, my front lines, my...anything that has to do with keeping me safe in all ways, physical and mental.? When she feels we're being threatened, she steps in and woe betide unto anyone who steps to her.
She's been a busy girl as of late because of meeting the new Dom.? She's busy because all of these people that live in my head are so confused by what's happening and what we should be feeling.? I've wanted to come here and write and read posts just to feel better and try to understand some of this but that turned into a disagreement between me and said Dom.? Today, Frontline gal says write. That's always been my outlet and I needed to do it before I implode.
So I came here, while lying in bed, waiting for my sleeping pill to kick in (I haven't slept in 3 days, but I'm an insomniac to the highest magnitude. I tend to fudge the numbers about how much I sleep because it would scare people to know how little I do sleep) and decided to just write it out.? I tried sending my Dom a letter but I know it didn't come out right because he was pretty upset.? I'd ask him to come read this but, not sure if this would make much sense either or if it would rub him the wrong way again.
So I am madly and completely in love with my Dom.? Now I'd not intended for this to happen at all.? I was here to just meet someone who I had an intense sexual connection with and could be friends with.? I didn't hope for any more than that and I wasn't looking for it.? I had in fact fended off anyone who I thought might try to lead me in the "love" direction.? If I started acting irradically (yeah butchered that word too) with them, I knew it had potential to turn into love so I backed away from those Doms in a hurry.?? However, the present one (Dom), sort of blind sided me.? It's funny as hell to me because I always use an anology of looking the wrong way when crossing the street and getting hit by a bus...this is pretty much what's happened to me.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't having difficulty with.? My inner valkyrie is in full alert mode, trying to protect my heart and my heart is fighting back saying it's ok to love this person and V is saying no, he's going to hurt us BAD.? So what to do here? Yeah..I got nothin.? So I've talked with one of my closest friends about it and she says, well sounds like he loves you too, so what's the problem?? Problem is I'm a proactive kinda girl.? I have little to no patience.? I have to get up and DO something and I can't really do anything here and it's driving me crazy.? So my head is in this viscious circle of wanting to end it then knowing I can't because I care too much, it would most certainly destroy me.? And with all that I've been into lately I can't afford the time it would take to get over the loss of someone so utterly prolific.? Yes, I used prolific to describe him and yes I have it that bad.? I can't remember wanting anyone this way since I was a teenager.? Yes he's sweet and thoughtful and DAMN sexy, but because I'm so crazy about this I start trying to think up ways to sabatoge this.? I do wonder if there are others and I'd like to ask so, but then at the same time I don't wanna know, again goes back to the hurt factor.? Sometimes if hurt I can get angry and work through it but this would be..just too much.? To care this way and lose it....lose him.
I have no idea if any of this is even normal. That too also gets me all up in arms.?
So this girl is gonna go work until I pass out and try not to think about how his eyes looked whenever he'd smile at me.? Yes..I have it that bad.
-Mag
I'm in a pissy mood today. And since I can't write what I wanted to write, I went hunting for song lyrics, old school of course, to describe how I'm feeling. Those of you who are/were big fans of Appollonia 6 should get a kick out of these. Enjoy and have a happy Mem-day weekend.
7:30 he said that he'd be here by six... He's lookin Dirty I guess he's up to his old tricks. He like 'em pretty likes them in their lingerie Such a pity, I bought a camisol today...
boo hoo... boo hoo...
7:30 and there's still no sign of my baby's Blue Limosine
7:31 I planned for him to spend the night Could have had some fun Pretty men they never treat you right They talk so dirty and get you all worked up inside It's your car, but everybody else always gets to drive
7:31 and there's still no sign of my baby's Blue Limosine
He's got a white one, he's got a yellow one, he's got a black one with a body obscene
Still no sign of my baby's Blue Limosine
7:32- Where can my baby be?! I must be a fool, to let somebody do this to me. I can't stop him, wherever he parks his car, is alright But he'll be parkin' with a dent the side, if the stands me up tonight
7:32 and there's still no you, my baby's Blue Limosine
They treat you special like you're the only one, then your girlfriends tell you that he's out having big fun..
Still no sign, of my baby's Blue Limosine..
He's so pretty, he's so nice, makes you feel like you're in paradise..
Still no sign, of my baby's Blue Limosine..
He like them pretty, he likes their titties, he likes them in their lingerie
Still no sign of my baby's Blue Limosine...
-Mag
Ah what a lovely morning...the birds are singing the sun is shining, people are vomiting...oh wait that's not fun.? But it's how my morning started.
So I'm up cleaning and cooking and chatting with the man who has very quickly become the reason I am so happy and absent from CM as of late.? And I am watching Tyra, the porn show that aired yesterday and thinking as I tend to do.? In the last month I've had to cut some people loose.? Some because I was asked to do so, and others because of a cherished belief that I hold.? Sometimes though you may like someone, adore them even, you have to cut them loose.? It's always funny to me that we as a society teach women to be forgiving and women as a general rule tend to BE forgiving to the point that we let people walk all over us.?
Though I tend to be really hardened when it comes to my business, I still had this gene, where I'd try to please others even at a detriment to myself.? I learned a few years ago and from Desperate Housewives no less, that just because you like someone doesn't mean you have to have them around you.? It can be an "I love you from afar" kind of scenario.? Especially when they are a poisonous personality.? I've now learned that I can forgive, but NEVER forget.? And sometimes it's best to just let people go and worry about pleasing myself...and my Dom of course ;)
So this
morning after wading through all the new folk at Alt and and
Collarme who'd left me messages throughout the night I thought about
some things. While everyone at these sites are a little kinky my new
theory proves that kink is still very normal. We here are not different
or as one of my favorite movie characters would put it..we are not
different an unique snow flakes. We are the same organic and decaying
matter as everything else on this planet. That being said, men are men
and women are women. I'm find for the most part that while some men in
this lifestyle are TRULY truly Doms, they live it and breathe
it...there are quite a few here who are fooling themselves and then
worse, try to or DO fool subs. This is unfortunate, because it would
seem here of all places there should be a great level of honesty. This
being the place where it's considered taboo to like the things we all
like, there has to be a level of honesty. If you were honest enough to
admit that you like kink and honest enough to come here, even knowing
the possible ramifications...why get here and lie? I'm starting to
think lying is a contagious disease to which few are immune.
So
in further thinking I thought about a lot of the general responses I've
gotten from Doms. For some reason most of them center around my husband
and what they ASSUME is going on in my house and that's usually when I
am able to spot someone who's trying to BS me. I know we're all here
for sex but how about we leave the rest out of how you try to get close
to me and just talk. I'll either like you or I won't. So allow me to
dispel some myths here. My husband is not short, well he is compared to
some of you, but he's 5'9. He is an artist but don't get the picture in
your head of a skinny little whimp. He's in fact quite the opposite.
He's a champion body builder...oh now..see you just jumped to another
stereotype in your head..small penis. Nope, he's more than ample in
that area too. What's he missing? He's not a Dom and doesn't have it in
him (I tried..really I did). But his looks, his cock, his height have
NOTHING to do with why I'm here. I enjoy looking at my husband and he's
my best friend, he's gorgeous, we just are NOT sexually compatible. End
of story. So that's why I say if you're going to talk to me, it's not
going to be as easy as..psst..my cock is bigger than your husbands I
bet..or ooooh look at my abs. Not impressed. And I'm going to assume if
you start a conversation like that, that you're not really looking for
the D/s relationship, which is what I want, you're looking for a quick
fuck, which I am not interested in at present. Who knows down the road,
but I'm just getting to this party and I wanna test the waters with
someone I can get to trust and come to be friends with FIRST.
So
this brings me back to my opening statements. Men are still men. I know
some of you here lie, cheat and steal to get what you want. Pussy is no
exception, especially here...but what I don't get is...why you feel you
have to here. If you want it,there are subs who want a quick fuck..why
go through the trouble of trying to seduce someone who doesn't? Blah
blah, yeah I know the chase and all that, but really is it worth it?
Just curious because...I don't get it.
Anyway nice to meet you
all here at the new sites, and CM folk, I'm around still. Thanks to all
who talked me through my bad 2 days. I'm good now and ready to try
again. I have my anti-fucked up Dom- perfume on am ready to forge ahead.
Tired of looking at code, CSS's and PhP,
-Mag
*Allow me to Retort* ?
Ok so I got up feeling? little better than yesterday because I got to vent to several people.? Today now that I'm not so bogged down in having to break off whatever I had going on with a certain Dom, my brain went into over drive and I put on my geek girl hat and went looking to see what set off my alarm bells about said Dom. I am the type of person who has to pull things apart to see how they work or don't work before I can leave it alone. This 'relationship' was no exception.? Since I am only 1/4th drama queen I will not be saying names here or anything like that.? I do wish I could warn other subs about this person and truthfully with the tools I have at my disposal I could very well tell everyone he's talked to in the past few weeks that he's trying to play us all, but I won't. I'll simply say to any subs out there that have been talking to a dom in the Houston area, if you think something is up, contact me.?
Now, here is where, melancholy turns into plain ole pissed the f*** off (S..I'm trying, and soap ain't gonna cut it..my mouth is so so dirty, lol. Trying!!).? Anyway, where I'm pissed off is. I've been upfront with everyone I meet here.? As I've said before, I know it's rare for people to meet someone who's this open and honest with them and it's even more rare for people to understand that you don't need to BS people like me.? Be who you are and I'll love you for it.? We may not have the same likes but in time, who knows what will happen.? I've found myself attracted to people who I would NEVER have given the time of day, without talking to them and getting to know them first.? So I don't discount anyone, unless you're just rude from the jump then I have no desire to get to know you.? I get the feeling that this person assumed because I was new that I was dumb.? THAT pisses me off.? One thing I absolutely love about myself is my intelligence. As one said to me last night I DO think to much, so I try to turn that part of me off when talking to people so I don't over analyze everything they say. In short, I try to give them the benefit of the doubt.? If you say you're the reincarnation of Caesar and have returned to save the world, I believe you until you prove otherwise.? Now I understand lying, especially where sex is involved is human nature. But for the love of god when you're caught in one, come clean.? Once again that's a chance to redeem yourself.? But in looking through said persons 'info' I see that I was really lead through the thickest part of the forest with the hopes that I'd never see clearly.? Surprise!! I have a flashlight....and matches..I've got a whole survival kit. I see you.
So all of that is very vague, but the person who needs to understand it, will.? I still like said person, and I'll get over that in time I'm sure.? But for future reference, and pardon me while I let my dominant side out, I'm the one person you don't want to fuck with on a PC or any gadget that transfers information.? Either tell the truth or learn to lie by telepathy.? If it's digital I can find it.? Point here is..I shouldn't have to. Be truthful.
And to other Doms out there who would be interested.? If you're talking to me, be honest. I'll always be honest with you and we'll get along much better if I don't have to start second guessing you.?? If all you want is One night only, then still, that requires trust on my part.? That's just how I work. Period.? I'll respect you and fun will be had by all.
We now return you to your regularly scheduled program.??
--Still looking for a REAL Dom, Mag
*Comfort*??
Yesterday was a hard day on me mentally and physically.? So today I did what any normal person would do after a day like yesterday, I passed out and slept very late this morning.? I awoke to find myself in a mood that I'm still not able to clearly define, even several hours later.? When I'm like this I usually tend to steer clear of people, especially ones who get their feelings hurt easily.? I did determine that I was rather grumpy and irritated.? The Dom who I was taking a serious liking to, without going into much more detail than that, has suddenly been MIA for the past few days.? While I know some of it is work, I was...upset..upset is a good word, when I woke up to find only one message from him considering I messaged the hell out of him yesterday trying to find out if he was ok and a live and breathing.
So I had to do some more self introspection today about this.? I find it's something I don't like about myself and I'm not sure what to do about it.? As I've said before, just because you know it's bad behavior, doesn't mean you know how to fix it.? I tend to find what I like and go for it. It's the same with people and I saw it happening with him. I'm too attached too soon and he's not and is probably happy that I've said I'm backing off, because he thinks I'm being needy.? Truth is, as I said, I like what I like, or like who I like in this case and my caring can come off wierd I suppose.? It's odd though, because it's not a needy thing at all.? Once I care about someone I just care. I worry that they are ok or worse, I worry that they are not ok and I could have done something to help.? I don't really want anything other than to know the object of my affections is not bleeding to death.? So I'm at am impasse.? Do I cut off this part of myself and just don't care or hide it from whomever will become my Dom?? Either I'm confused about what this is supposed to be about or some others are.?
Also today I ended up venting about this to others and everyone has been very sweet and actually one Dom actually made me feel really bad.? I had no noticed at all that he liked me and thought he was just talking to me because we were becoming friends.? I can be terribly self involved, mostly because I spent the majority of life having to be focused on others.? So now I'm trying to learn to focus on my own needs, that's how I ended up here.? I figure it's time for me to try to find some kind of happiness and I'll be a better person for it in the end.
So here in week 5 I'm still not able to tell anyone what I want, but I can say what I don't want.? I don't want a cheap and meaningless encounter with someone.? I don't want people who can't be honest, even if it's to tell me they only want a cheap and meaningless encounter. Worst case scenario is we walk away being friends and maybe something WOULD happen. But lie to me even once and though I can forgive you, I'll never trust you again.? That's not my desire, but a character trait I cannot yet control.? Unfortunately due to things that happened to me before I was an adult or barely even conscious of life, something happened to me that left me with the inability to trust people (and yes I learned this from a therapist many years ago).? Through a lot of HARD work, I have gotten to the point where I can, but it's very fragile.? My trusting someone that is.? So what's Mag gonna do now...well I'm going to mope over this loss and tomorrow I'll start over, and hopefully find someone who's actually respectful enough to be honest about what THEY want really and hopefully someone who wants more than a quick romp with the new girl.? Demain.
Mag
*Inspiration*
I woke up today with a passage from one of my favorite TV shows stuck in my head. When this happens I call it devine and try to stick with what I think it's trying to tell me, throughout the day.
I also like to share it with others, as I feel sometimes someone out there may need to hear it as well.
This quote is one that stood out to me the first season of Heroes, because I think it accurately describes a lot of us out there who, to outsiders, are crazy in persuing whatever we're chasing after. These "chasers" often end up doing something amazing and suddenly the people who thought they were crazy become people who want to hang out with the new cool kid. So to any other crazy folk out there, hope this helps you today, like it helps me.
You do not choose your destiny It chooses you. ? And those who knew you before fate took you by the hand ? Cannot understand the depth of the changes within. ? They cannot fathom how much you stand to lose in failure ? That you are the instrument of a flawless design, ? and all of life hangs in the balance ? The hero learns quickly who can comprehend ? ...and who merely stands in their way.
*WoW*
I love driving.? Well except on the way back from somewhere that's required strenuous energy during my stay there, in which case I always wish I had a chauffer.?? But today was a beautiful day and I enjoyed the drive and of course this afforded me time to think about things and people.? So I put myself on auto-pilot while I drove and some good ride music, which turned out to be an odd mix of Raggae and metal (yes there is such a thing, google Skin Dred) and began my crazy thought processes which end up becoming these journals.? I have several journals all over the net and I post in them depending on what I feel like putting there. But I think the most honest me is here on this journal. Some people would be mind blown by the fact that I'm even on this site, considering how reserved I appear in person..well that is unless you catch me in a club..that's a whole other person, lol.? So today's thoughts were about important people in your life.? I often meet people who become so important to me in a short span of time. Most often times this scares me to death.? The reasons behind this fear are fear of losing them because I grow to care so much, so quickly.? This has happened to me since I've come to this site quite a bit.? It's not the sexual aspects for me, not saying some of you aren't seriously sexy. But I'm very cerebral as I've said before.? The person who's able to climb inside my head and not run away screaming (scary place in there) is the person that gets my attention.? That happened my first week where with a wonderful Dom who has since disappeared, him thinking I wasn't interested because I simply got too busy to talk and we're in opposite time zones.? To you..sorry, it really was that I was busy, nothing I can do about that unless you have a winning lottery ticket.? Others have come and gone and I liked them too. Some I talk to, that I know are steeped in trying to get to know me in hopes that it goes further and I've grown to like you all in some fashion and I hope even after I belong to someone,? that we will always at the very least remain friends.? I know that's almost impossible..men, women, sexual undertones, =no friends.?? So with all of that I began thinking about me and other subs that are new to this and the fear they must be feeling at meeting and being into something/someone in a situation such as this.? I try to look at it from the perspective of looking back at it like I've been here for years and done this several times and no matter how I look at it, it still has fearful aspects that I don't know quite how to deal with.? I am still not sure how this all works and even further, I'm not sure how all of this will work with my romantic personality. Am I supposed to fall in love with my Master? Is he supposed to love me? Or is it all just the BDSM brand of sex? I of course would like to have a relationship that's...intense and meaningful but don't know about the love part.? Me in love...wow and the whole slave Master thing added is yet another scary thought.? Yes I know I can take things slow, but once I've made a CERTAIN decision, not a maybe, then I don't usually have the ability to go slow.? Ah here is where little sub Mag needs to be taught control....I guess here endeth my lesson for the day. That and I'm tired of typing now, been a long day of driving and thinking.....
----Mag
Title: KNOW Thy Self
???? So it's been a hell of a day. I had to fire half of the people I work with.? Now I can't go into details obviously because of it being here.? Firstly, I vent by writing, secondly, what I'm about to vent about does tie into the BDSM lifestyle or lifestyle as I understand it and just life in general.
So I had to fire these lovely ladies because of MY duality.? I've made mention in my profile that I have "switch" like tendencies.?? Now that's true and not true.? When I'm dealing with business, I've been told on more than one occasion that I think and talk like a man.? This is because I deal with men and I know that if I talk to them the same way I would a woman, I'd NEVER get half the shit I get or get to go half the places I get to go.? I work in a male dominated industry...well that's most industries, but still, because I know my place THERE even, I get what I need to get done.? Sadly this duality doesn't translate over well to the women I have worked with and we end up butting heads because "feelings" come into play.?? Now...I don't understand this at all.? And I mean AT all.? My "feelings" usually don't apply in business, not always. I can emphathize with people yes, but get my feelings hurt over something to do with work? Come ON! There are times when because I have "feelings" for someone that I will do a favor I don't normally do, but when it comes to the numbers or marketing or any of the day to day things I do, my "feelings" don't come into play and I don't see why they should.? My male employees understand fully why I do the things I do.? I'm by no stretch of the imagination, drop dead gorgeous (that should scare some of you off, lol) but with the right lighting and make up, I can hold my own, lol!? This means when I step in front of men at conferences I have to not come off like ditzy girl and actually know what I'm talking about AND be aggressive.
I think this also comes from knowing and being comfortable with yourself and sometimes that only comes with age at least it has for me.? I look at old photos of myself and I think I was gorgeous when I was younger, I'm not so bad for an almost old broad now, but then...I had no confidence in myself and what I was capable of doing.? With age and with experience I realize how powerful I actually am. (Oddly enough I do still get all nervous and girlie when around certain men..men I'm extremely attracted to I should say) I also realize that I'm here to surrender that power in a way and though scary the idea seems fun to me. Mostly fun because I just realized I had it to give away for a short time.? Yes subs you have power too, but it's a little different than what your Master has.? Ultimately we make the decision to allow this person into our lives and to control you.?
And on a side note, something I've been thinking about.? Before I started delving into this lifestyle and coming here, I looked at Masters as mean bastards.? But in thinking about it. I think some of men here who are Doms are soooo romantic and perfectionists in a way.? They look for the one person who makes it perfect (that's an abstract way of putting it) and in return they give the sub what they need.? This is how all relationships should work in my eyes.? I give you what you need, you give me what I need.? NOW flip side of that is I'm still meeting some Doms who immediately start telling me what they need and not asking what I need. To that I say, I already have a husband thank you.? Now Mag is going to get to work finding replacements for the people she put foot to ass.? Hope your days are better than mine.
-----MAG
Title: Yes it is your age?
I hate to say it. I'm an ageist!? I have had some really nice Doms talk to me and have noticed that I just...automatically shy away from ones that are in their early 20s or are over 48.
I am so disappointed in myself, but I have no idea how to fix this, lol.? I know part of being here is to, and you'll pardon the borrowing of a line from one of my favorite movies, free your mind, but apparently my mind is still locked up so to speak.? Ironically I'm learning that giving someone else your mind to bind up along with your body is what I'm supposed to be doing.? Sooooo much to learn.? So to all the Doms out there who are out of my proposed age range, listed above, please forgive me.? Now this is not to say that I'm not attracted to people older and younger than myself. It's just that they have to have phenominal brains.? I know of a friend of mine, who isn't into this lifestyle, but is Dominant just naturally who is at least 12 years my junior and has a beautiful mind (body ain't bad either) and I'd submit to him in a second if he knew what it meant that is, lol.? And I remember meeting a man while in my 20s who was in his late 50s that was so confident and dominating (also equally gorgeous) that I was putty in his hands in 4 min.? Again these are exceptional cases.? Not to say some of you aren't, I just notice that I switch off as soon as I know your age.? And it gets worse if we don't have anything in common or you act your age.? Case in point, I was talking to someone here and he made mention of something that was WAY before my time and got irritated that I didn't get the joke.? And yet another Dom younger than me...and he looked and acted younger in his speech. I just couldn't bring myself to take him seriously.
Yes I know, you're saying Mag, you're so not right.? I know...I know...I'm workin on it.
----Mag
Title: Understanding (Collarme REALLY needs to update their website, journaling here is very antiquated)
Well I'm no longer dubbing myself the new girl. I think I've crossed over into the rookie catagory officially after being her for 3 weeks.
I am still learning however and have picked up a few things and observed some things as well.? One of the things that stood out to me, especially this morning as I sip my coffee and revel in the fact that it was 80 degrees here yesterday and it's now like 50 degrees...gotta love Houston, is how aggrevated a lot of the profiles here are.? I'll elaborate.? In reading some profiles I see a lot of "no bullshit" line in a lot of profiles, or "serious inquiries only".? I began thinking about this a few hours ago and took on a new level of understanding.? This week I had the pleasure of meeting my first dom..or I should say the first one that knew what he was and what I was.? We had fun together and he was easy to talk to, I felt completely comfortable.? I'll elaborate on that further another time..or not, who knows.? Anyway, me being a creature of habit and routine, usually have a routine I follow every morning.? I've fallen into these habits and routines because it makes life easier.? On those nights when I don't sleep or only sleep 2 or 3 hours (which is most nights) it's really easy to get up and go on autopilot without burning down my house. So I got up this morning, made my breakfast, started my coffee, contemplated working out, but decided it wasn't the best idea for my slightly sprained ankle and went to check my messages on yahoo.? Every morning for 3 weeks now I've gotten messages from 3 of Doms who have quickly become my favorites.? Two of them leave messages intermittantly(I always flub the spelling of that word) but one always leaves me messages without fail. Well this morning...no messages.? So of course I message and ask is everything ok, is he alright, and got no response.? Then I understood something. Well I'd understood this before but hadn't really thought about it.? The irritation from a lot of people here stems from little instances like this.? Someone doesn't message when they are supposed to or when they normally would and we get anxious, worried and I'm sure there are tons of other emotions thrown in.? I think even in situations like mine and his where there is a spouse involved and you can't call the other person, it can be even more grating. After going through this 5 or 6 times it can start to wear on a normal person.?? I know everyone here thinks of themselves as abnormal, but as I've said before, being into kink does not make anyone not normal.? You just like what you like.?? So I understand in reading profiles and speaking to people why some are so blunt or try to "force" things (and not in the fun way) because they are simply tired of all the little nuances involved in getting close to someone and having some sort of relationship with them.? Everyone here, just like any other "dating" type site, it looking for someone to fill a void in their life.? I know some people read that word void and it's upsetting to them, because of what it implies. But it's not a negative word and shouldn't be perceived as such. If you didn't have a void, you wouldn't be here. Neither would I.
Anyway that's my tidbits of nothing. I'm going back to bed. I keep forgetting I'm not a morning person and the big angry yellow ball in the sky hurts my eyes.
----Mag
And I shall call this entry...the crazy stalker sub.
Ok so I'm starting to pick up a few things.? Still have a long way to go to be sure.?? Since I've gotten up this morning...no, since I was awakened this morning, it's been one long string of people who are just grating on my nerves! LOL.
I am sick and full of lovely Warming Nyquil and any disinhibitor (did I spell that right) only unleashes my temper, doesn't make me happy or giggley.? Let this be a warning to those who would try to get me drunk to take advantage :).? My logic and reason tell me that I'm sick and irritable and just to stay away from people today, but it's like they are seeking me out.
Last week I got an email from a sub here saying she knew someone who was talking to me.? She asked I'd like to know more and used his REAL name.? Now me and this person have had no...dealings what so ever on any level other than Hi..oh you're new here? Feel free to ask me anything if you need advice.? So I was taken aback by the out of the blue emailing and the use of someone's real name.
That's not only not safe, it's stupid.? And assuming that there is something going on between me and said person and asking if I want to know more..even if it was done with the best intentions can be creepy to do to someone you don't know.? To make matters worse she then threatened to "write in her journal" about me. Yes that certainly adds to your creditability.
I thnk I'm calling it a day, I'll start again tomorrow. This day is wash. Nyquil anyone?
-Mag
Now..I know my picture is a little blurry and it's done that way on purpose. Part of it is meant to be artistic and the other part is because I'm of course hiding my identity.
HOWEVER, there should be no question as to my ethnicity, but...somehow there IS for some of you.? I'm amazed that some here have started talking to me and had no idea of my ethnicity.? Wow...well allow me to clear up all doubt for those who can't see the caramel color of my skin or the little label that says African American, lol.? Now if you're not into "colored girls" then please by all means move along.? And please don't show how UNcool you are by attempting to speak to me in slang, thinking you're impressing me.?? No I'm not offended, I'm finding this to be hilarious and how unobservant some people are and how people's minds are still bound by stereotypes, so much so that they can't see past them and know that we are all just people at the end of the day.? And I would expect here of all places, there would be no strangeness in this area, but wow...even in kink there is racism.
---Mag
Wow two journals in one day! Amazing isn't it? I did say I love to write.
So this is coming from my hungry and irritable place so forgive my curtness...well later on in this post that is. Right now I want to thank, once again, everyone for being so nice and trying to help the new girl out. I have to say I was a bit annoyed at being repeatedly asked what I want, what am I looking for. But I'm understanding this is sort of like an interview process. You (Dom) ask me (sub) the equivalent of "Do you see yourself with this company in 5 years?" and i'm supposed to say..whatever I'm supposed to say. This is so that we know if we're a fit and so on. I've got ALL of that. However...I think I'm a bit offended.
I'll elaborate of course. So some are reading my journals, great. And are writing to me saying..wow a woman with a brain..I would love to talk to you. Now more often than not I've talked with some of you and we've had GREAT conversations. I love stimulating convesation. But some of you...wow, if you really thought I was that smart would you say some of the things you do? This goes back to my being able to say what I want. I know what I AM and that's extremely cerebral. It can't be that you talk to me and start just..spitting dirty words. In the words of Beyonce' -Come harder, this won't be easy.- Don't get me wrong, I love a little dirty talk but that has to be after you've gotten down past the Hi, how are you? stage.
I don't have random fantasies. My fantasies are always attached to a PERSON and how THEY made me feel. If you're not able to start the fire then adding wood to more wood won't do it. I'm not trying to appear elusive or above it all, but this is just me. That's not to say some of you arent saying and doing all the right things. I think I'm just insulted that someone would take the time to write to me about how intelligent they think I am then think it would be so easy to get to me as telling me about a school girl fantasy. Keep the questions coming, you're helping me further define why I'm here. But if all you've got is school girls bent over desk fantasies to tell me, thinking that will get me hot. WRONG!
Sorry..I really should eat something. I'm not normally this irritated. Goodnight fellow BDSMers. --Mag
Ok wow, some of you Doms out there are extremely jaded and showing behavior NOT befitting of a gentleman.? And make no mistake, just because you're into BDSM does not mean you are not gentleman.
You in fact have to be an extra gentleman because of the delicacy of the environment here.? While I realize a lot of you have met men masquerading as women, that gives you NO right to demand a woman let you see her so you can verify she IS a woman.? And what's worse is insulting said woman if she is saying she can't do so.
Twice now I've met Doms here who've decided it was ok to insult me because I refused to turn on my cam. I've stated it before that I don't mind calling you so you can hear my voice.?? Men who've had their sex changed to a woman and who are using a voice changer (and I wonder who would go through all of this trouble anyway) have a different sounding voice.? It still sounds off, at least to me, but maybe I can hear it because I use to sing professionally.? But anyone can hear it if they just listen.? I will not jeopardize my business I spent 6 years building just to appease your insecurities.? And there is certainly no need to insult people.? If you don't feel comfortable, simply say ok well, thanks, nice meeting you, going on my way.
If I did have any inclination to possibly try to put your fears to rest, you kill it by insulting me.? I did mention I'm not into the humilation thing, I'm pretty sure that's on my profile.? That being said, if you're paranoid about boys pretending to be girls, please don't message me. I'm not letting you see me on the cam until I have heard YOU on the phone and you show me you're a gentleman and not crazy.
---Mag
This place is becoming my new favorite obsession.? I'm not only enjoying meeting so many of you, but the interaction in itself.
Long ago when I started out in life I was going to be a psychiatrist.? While I loved it I wasn't passionate about it so I left it alone. However I still do love watching people and how they behave and even their quirks and things they do and how they relate those quirks to people they meet.
I find this most interesting since I've been here the past few days.? Once I met a shrink who talked about people and their inner monologue's.? I was talking with one you about this here last night but didn't get to finish my point before he got irritated (ironically this was going to be one of the things I explained to him) and decided he didn't want to speak to me anymore.? Anyway, your inner monologue is the one where you say things to people, expecting a specific response.? The problem with this is, others have their own inner monologue.? Before you say, what the hell is Magic talking about, think of all the times you've argued with someone and had them respond with an answer to something you never even said.?? That's because they are following their own script.? So I've found since I've been here, that there are LOTS of people here who have their own little script and when they talk to you they run down their script waiting for you to say your line so they can say theirs and so on.? When you don't, they start thinking you're difficult or holding back from them.? And not actually thinking reasonably or logically about what you're saying or what they are asking for that matter.
Oh this is not to say I don't have my own script that I follow. It's how I find who I'm attracted to here.? But isn't it interesting...
Hope everyone had a great V-day and how the hell do I control formatting on this thing. All my little paragraphs run together. It is plain HTML?
Enjoying being here?? -Mag
Let me first say I LOVE that there is a journal here. I love to write, it's one the three things I'm most passionate about in life.
So I've been contacted by everybody and their mama all asking the question of what I want.
And honestly when I came here I hadn't really thought about what I want or what I hope will happen here. My answer has been my reflex answer which is, "I'll know when I see it or find it." I've always lived life that way, because that's just been the way my life works. I've always set out in one direction only to find that there is another path, perhaps shorter and easier, perhaps it's the scenic route or perhaps it's a rocky one filled with with perils and adventure. But I always, have only known the path I should take when I see it. And I never see the other paths when I choose one and I walk that path no matter how hard or easy it may seem to someone else. It's not hard or easy to me..it's just the way I chose to go.
I met a DOM a while back (not here) who had this in his profile and I thought it pretty accurately described me at the time. It was something like, Someone once asked me why I always took the hardest path and I answered, what made you think I saw more than one path?
This is another path for me in my life and as always it's frightening to do something new and so completely outside your normal self, but I'm the type of person that believes it's only considered brave, if you're truly afraid and do it anyway.
I've also been thinking (I'm extremely cerebral, I think WAY too much and about some things you wouldn't believe..everything from the best chili recipie to quantum physics and how it applies to..whatever) so I'm wandering around this site and seeing SO many people here I started thinking..or I should say wondering why people call this lifestyle kinky? Now hear me out here as I try to explain my line of thinking..but NO person on earth has "normal" sexual behavior. Why is THIS in particular considered a kink or NOT normal. Doesn't not normal mean that no one else is into it and it's just out of what's considered ordinary? I think everyone here is quite ordinary (and I mean that in a nice sense). I see your profiles and pictures and as far as I know, no one here has super strength or can read thoughts or levitate objects with their mind..so why is everyone here considering themself to be so "different"? Not saying everyone does, but it's the perception of the new girl here.
I have to say with my old fashioned (sometimes) demeanor, I'm a little shocked when I see some things here, but not in a disgusted way but more...wow. So and so is really brave to do that, I hope to be that brave one day. And the little girl in me still giggles and blushes when I see or hear certain things. This is a personality quirk that I've learned to love about myself. I'll be an 80 year old woman who still blushes when she hears the word cock. Always. I blushed when I typed it.
So what do I want? As so many have asked? Again..I'll know when I see it.
Mag
Ok so perhaps I spoke too soon.? I've had the pleasure of talking with some of you out there via YIM and one of you phone wise.? And of course all of the Doms want to get serious right away.?
Right now there is only one who's actually gotten my attention because of respecting my limits and understanding that all of this is very new to me.? When asked to slow down, there was no hesitation in saying ok...we'll slow down.
However a few of you out there are pushing.? I don't feel like this is Dom, this is just being an ass.? I canNOT do web cam. I understand the reasoning behind it. You want to make sure you're speaking to an actual woman.? I don't mind a phone conversation.? But I can't and won't do webcam with someone I dont know.? What I do in the real world deals with my face and my voice.? Hence my being extremely protective of this.? Add that to my only having been here 3 days now and that = me saying no. Not ready for that yet.? And while I am saying I'm a sub, that doesn't mean you can bully me. I'm not at all stupid either, so please don't mistake my lack of knowledge about this particular subject as my being stupid.? I'll learn quickly enough, but I won't be pushed, especially when I simply can't do it.
Ok that's my mildly venting.? Thanks to those of you who have been nice and to one of you inparticular who is making this the best experience for me so far.? I know you're probably pissed that I am talking to others, but it's just talking, YOU have my attention, I thnk you know that.? And if you feel it necessary...PLEASE punish me ;)
Wow!
Everyone here has been so nice. Not that I'm that surprised, but I guess I was braced for some unpleasantness.? Not because of here, but just because I expect some unpleasantness in general. Thank everyone for being so nice to me, I'm very new and exploring.
I do want to say that I'm married, meetings are not out of the question, but not exactly ready for it yet either.? I won't go into much detail on that unless I end up talking to some of you further and getting closer, but nice to meet you all.? Thanks for such a warm welcome!
