DISCLAIMER: I can honestly say I only reply to about 1% of people who write from outside of New England. Otherwise, while I am curious enough to read the PM, if what you have to say does not pique my interest (and even sometimes when it does) I will not reply, so theres no need for a follow up note, or three. Be open minded if you want to reach out to me. I am not actively seeking. 10|27
*updated 9|13
I am attracted towards men who are: educated, strong, funny, egotistical, demanding, sadistic, charming, romantic, charismatic, popular, driven, fit and understanding. That said, I am not particularly looking for this man on CM.
I enjoy most: spanking, otk, bondage, restraint, asphyxiation, masochism, hair pulling, forced sex, verbal humiliation, horsing around, and good ol' scratch-n-bite *i enjoy s&m. that does not make me a pain slut*
I dislike immensely: queening, eye contact(70% of the time), anal, and being on top, salad tossing (giving and usually getting), drowning sensation & suffocation sensation (trauma).
I take my greatest pleasures from: serving, pleasing & entertaining. I believe in a traditional female role and hope someday to posses one.
I have been a collared slave once, for 18 months out of a 3 yr relationship.
Here though mostly just to look at profiles and whet my appetite a little and see where I stand in it all.
*updated 9/22 I do not wish to be one of those submissive girls who come off brash with my "NO" List, but to make both of our lives easier, let me say this:
I am not interested in relocation, nothing you can tempt me with will make me desire moving for a stranger.
I do not desire to serve Females or Dom/me Couples. Im wired that way.
You will immediately lose my interest once you ask me if I am a horny girl or good slut, lustful slave etc. It is obvious we all have kinks, and my profile actually lay mine out quite clearly. We can figure out if you are way more *hardcore* than me, but I dont feel like discussing fantasies or sexual details with strangers.
Dont expect to see me around for a while.. I am off the market at the moment.?
Frostbite Inspires. Written by streetlights on my 18 degree walk home thru Somerville. To Be Continued?
The first cold night of the winter, it was more quiet than that which I
was used to. The fresh powder surrounded me as an icy wind lifted the
iridescent orange drifts up into my exposed face, repeatedly piercing
my skin. I heard low, melancholy chimes and stopped dead in my tracks.
I had heard many stories about how this city had cleaned up over the
past decade, and even though this was my third winter alone, I was
still a small town girl on the inside.
I had been stopped for a minute now, and the streetlight flickered out
on cue. The lot next to me was vacant and silent. A skeleton piece of
machinery was frozen in place, useless in the innocence that covered it
up. This snow seemed to muffle all. I had not even five minutes ago
been under the impression that walking down this lit road into the
powdery paradise would protect me. As if the church that crested this
hill somehow would put me at ease.
As the icy way gave out under my feet, I slid down the hill reckless,
and in all odds about to injure myself. I realized that never before in
my life had I taken such comforts. I wondered why now I had tried to
fool my own self. When I finally re caught my balance, choking down my
heart, I noticed that the sky above had at long last cleared.
Laid out before me I saw the surreal city scape which littered the
close horizon sprawled out, within reach, waiting for me to clutch it.
For one second, I had forgotten the venous, wind-carved snow drift
grave yard which just had me gasping for breath. Treading a bit more
lightly now, I was glancing one too many times over my shoulder to make
progress in any real time.
By now I had shuffled down the hill a little and approached the
expatriates nightclub. Soft, round, beautiful south american words
drifted up towards me. I knew not what they said, but had learned
enough from work not to look up or let a blond lock fall from my hood.
I kept across the street but I could feel snow melting as I neared. I
jumped as one of their many flags snapped sharply over my head with
strength to cut flesh, reminding me why I would hurry past this block.
It was now well past midnight and I had consumed at least one too many
glasses of bubbly. It had been foolish of me to walk home alone but,
debating leaving. Its quite boring here.?
Im meeting someone from OKC on Thursday.?
I am going to a Toys for Tots party... Hopefully I can meet a *nice* guy :) After all, I did last year.
Yeah. Thats my main motivation for going this year.
Im still w/o sex [nearly 3 mos]. Im drunk. Im frustrated, confused, lonely, fed up and over it. . ugh. I wish my addiction wasnt relationships.......... but I guess it could be worse, eh??
Why did you insist on colliding worlds? [[sigh]]
1] James Caviezel is specimen. 2] Maybe I should keep from having sex.
Lately, I have found myself pondering ideas that ordinarily would have never crossed my mind, and they are making me very uncomfortable. In fact, I think that these ideas may be leading contributors to my rut, other that the obvious lack of endorphins via sex. Anyways, I am not usually much of a fantasy sharer, but Ill humor you in this case. . . Well, one incident, was the night with the gym trainer. When I felt his petty cock, well I wanted to humiliate him for thinking such a thing could satisfy me. Maybe it was just because I was so tired of his inept finger banging, but really... I really had the urge to verbally humiliate him and take control of the situation [since he obviously wasnt going to]. I had real, intense, cruel urges that were very literally on the tip of my tongue. I feel I could easily humiliate a man willing to submit because I believe in male supremacy [in a way] and I do have a very constant nagging feeling to humiliate any man willing to put himself at my feet [this ugly head is reared every time some sub male PM's me begging to serve or clean]. -- Another road my mind has traveled in this past 6 weeks or so that has me uneasy is polyamory/Master sharing. I am not bisexual in any way [ok, in a minute way, but pussys are gross to me] but I have often wondered if polyamory is the right road for me, because often I only feel satiated when juggling 2 or 3 men. Not because I enjoy the risk, but thats how many it usually takes for me to feel ... satisfied, I guess. Not needing. Complete. I like a lot of interaction... This curiosity grew when D got in touch with me a few weeks ago. The only futuristic fantasies I had of our future were our honeymoon. D has an insatiable drive, well, one that I do not think one woman alone can ever satisfy. . Well, I would imagine giving him another slave on our honeymoon. A surprise. I would bind her up so she was presented helpless for him to do what he would, but usually he would only torture her by refusing her cock, or vice versa torture me by only fucking her. Albeit, this scenario would most likely be psychologically damaging to me, but I keep finding myself returning to the "Alpha slave" fantasy, where he has two, [or more] and I do not play with them but they are forced to succumb to his or my? bordem. I envision myself being cruel and sadistic, cold, to her.?
I think Im just bored and have too much time to myself. Did I mention I have been home alone for 3 weeks?
Number 2 has decided he wants to help me find a bf. Yes, I answered his call. Come on, its been a month ;) :P
Well, I have been played, and played very well. D hasnt been online for 2 days [never in the 4 years since I met him has he been offline]. I was foolish to believe that he really wanted to leave her, but I had an idea it would play out like this. Thats why I tried to lead my life like he had never said anything at all. Good thinking.. -- this will sound silly, but I read a missed connection Monday night [idk if it was from him to me, although he had written me on there once this year already] but I knew after I read it, that I would never see him again.?
I havent had sex since the Kiss of Death.. That makes it a month, which is noteworthy in my book. That is all.
r.u.t.
heart attack blog was removed
Finally doing the only thing I felt like tonight... Watching Night of the Living Dead on AMC after a quick night out. Ive never seen it before. Already quite amused with it. Also watched Halloween 4 & 5 today, enjoyed them.?
feeling a little blue.. 2 yr anniversary of D asking me to leave the house.. PMS doesnt help :\?
People have inquired to my 2 dates that I have not written about... Well, last Wednesday, I was supposed to see number two.. Needless to say, he more or less stood me up. I got a txt at 9:06 [we were set to meet at 9:30] giving me a far fetched excuse for being late, and that he would txt me when he was on his way.. WELL, he never did. I will not be answering his call again :( too bad, he was the spanker. My date with the gym trainer went quite well, until we got naked. Well, I got naked. He never took his shirt off. he touched quite well, but he was not aggressive at all. He kept tapping my ass, and eventually, I said, "you know, you can tap it harder than that" "I can??" He replies, then never touches it again. He wasnt that well equipped, and he fucking fingerbanged me like a jackhammer, it was a huge turn off. I stopped him multiple times, but he kept going back to what he knew. He was completely ungroomed *down there* and showed multiple symptoms of steroid use. All and all he was a let down. Too bad, he was quite easy on the eyes :(?
What it boils down to, is how seriously do I take my own belief system? I have been experimenting with BDSM for almost 11 years now. I always just thought it was "kink" though, or bondage, or being freaky, whatever. I never knew my unnaturally strong desires to please and serve were so widely accepted in any lifestyle. I grew up naive (and I just about never watch/ed porn, a common gateway) 2nd wave feminism, and my grandmother, made me wonder if there was something wrong with me for wanting to be a housewife. Then I discovered an alternative lifestyle, with a protocol I could (comfortably) identify with. My thoughts had names and terminology, I wasnt alone, and there were people who EMBRACED me for who I was, naturally. I was raised with zero church influence (not even baptized) and did not identify with much of anything outside of a general spirituality (I was taught to be thankful to the earth for my existence, my god is more like quantum physics than some guy or judgment day). It is because of this that it is no surprise to me that M/s ideology quietly found its way into my life as part of my spirituality, because it was what felt right, natural and true to me.? Everything was ringing true. But with anything that can be interpreted, it rings differently for everyone. Snowflakes, everyone had a different calling to the lifestyle, and hopefully, all were accepted for who we naturally were and wanted to be.
In my ideal slavery, there was only one Master. Only one man had the power to truly evoke the pure devotion from me. My slavery was to be ignited by my One, on my collaring, and from that night on, I would be His slave. That happened on April 16, 2006. Easter Sunday, I chose for my rebirth. We had a very in depth, passionate, vulnerable and beautiful ceremony. I pledged forever.
That is why, my friends, that I cannot just turn my back when (former)Master comes back calling. He is not the same as I. We all find ourselves in different times and ways. It is a great realization, to know what you want in life. To have a name and a face and a way of being for it. I feel unable to turn my back on what I always felt was the true way for me. If I break on this, what else in life will I break on?
My journal has been a place for me to reflect on my life in terms of relationships, and a tool to share with the world a small glimpse into one persons thought patterns and belief systems. So, on that note, I would like to thank everyone for the very negative inundation of messages about my former Master, D (the same who had refused to uncollar me). It is amazing to me that people can be so narrow minded in terms of love. To those who have sent me supportive messages, telling me to follow my heart, and use my brain, thank you. Not everyone chooses the right path in life, but you usually end up where you were supposed to be going. There is something to be said about learning from your mistakes, and that is something that I try to do.? I have not decided yet whether or not I will let him propose to me (yes, this one thing I have every right to control), but please dont think I am stupid enough to (knowingly) become involved with someone who is engaged.? If I were to accept his proposal, I would expect the world from him for the hell he put me through, and he certainly knows this.
My former Master called yesterday. Basically, he stated that he is going to leave his fiancee to propose to me. I dont know how I feel. I am very confused. Its everything I ever wanted, especially from him, but I had finally moved on. I had accepted that he was engaged, and not to me. ?
Well, I have a date.. Its w/ a trainer from the gym downstairs. He is gorgeous, although the whole time I am talking to him, I had to remind myself "he is hot, it does not matter that his eyes are DARK BROWN".
I am kind of judgmental in this way. I am not on BCP, and I am partial to protecting my genes, so I usually date light eyed men, *just in case* there is ever a mistake.?
But this man is good looking, and very persistent, so Ill keep you posted on how it goes tomorrow. Were going for drinks at "my favorite place" per his request and "if I enjoy his company, which I will" we are going to watch his brother coach a football game after drinks.
Ive made plans with Number two on Wednesday. I havent decided if he will take me home, but I know I would get one hell of a spanking. Hes been pestering to give me one ever since I cut him off for Number One in August. He has a very primal personality (Hes from VT and is a writer who used to be a wilderness survival teacher. . Sometimes I think I keep him around because hes the only other person Ive ever met who grew up off the grid).
Its been at least 3 months since Ive had him last. . . We'll see if I follow through. I do like Number One, Im just immensely bored with the fact that he doesnt want to be my bf. Theres no reason for me to be investing so much energy and emotion in him right now. Or ever, if its not returned.
the looming date entry has been deleted.
please note, this is a very abridged version of the night, and lacks the whole story and all the necessary details to draw a true picture:: I saw Number One for the first time in over a week. I had seen him briefly the night after our "way too romantic of a date for a couple that isnt bf/gf" night, but we hadnt *been together* for weeks now. I have been agonizing over what to do with him, in terms of what path to take. I went to his house on Sunday to help with some homework of his. It wasnt really what I had in mind, but given the type of project it was a good opportunity for me to learn of him, and I took it. Around midnight I was yawning and bored and I went and laid in his bed and waited for him to join, about 20 minutes later, once he realized I would not be returning. That night, we played heavy, hard and long. We had about 4 or 5 sessions together. I think he was frustrated because I got him hard, very quickly and with little effort. "Is that all it takes"? He asks me, and continues "I wish women had a button like that". I laughed at him, "we do!" I reply. And then *it* began. Now keep in mind, I am a little forlorn over the idea of potentially leaving him, and I think it was showing on my face? (he had inspected my claddagh ring when he got into bed with me. It was still searching, and his action upset me. Its the only ring I wear, he knows what it is). "Are you crying?" He asks me after a bit "are you ok?" I say, yes I am fine, no, of course I am not crying. "Not yet" he says. I laughed in my head, because I knew it was true. He pushed me very far this night. He reenacted my rape. He did not of course rape me, but he put me right there, took me as far as he felt he could with out doing permanent psychological damage. He had to remind me twice of my safe word. I had never had one before and the idea to use it never came to mind. I had been BEGGING for him to stop. Even though he wasnt, I knew if I were to become hysterical and whatnot, flailing and screaming that he would know I wasnt playing around anymore. I didnt want to experience it, but I knew what to do if I needed to make it stop. It was after this interaction stopped that he first reminded me of the safe word. "Were you trying to get me to stop?" "Not really" I say, "but I really was begging for it to end". He replies with a surprising "Good".? He hadnt had the details of my rape for even 24 hrs and I was surprised and pleased that he decided to use them. When I had shared them in the kitchen after work, he implied that I could have stopped "him", had I really wanted to. I asked him, had he ever tried to stop a drunk man who has 80 lbs on you? "Yes, and it didnt end well either" And that was the end of it. I think somewhere in his mind, he was trying to prove to himself that I could not in fact stop "him", no matter how hard I tried. I digress. We had the 'are you crying' conversation, AGAIN, ended with the "not yet" bit too. At this point, I wondered maybe he is trying to push me over the edge, intentionally "You just look.... In pain" "Well of course I am in pain" I scoffed at him. I knew what he meant though. I was detached, and my skin was much more sensitive than usual. I was experiencing a lot of release, at a time when I felt like I needed it. Because of the way we had been playing, he would not have sex until I said, Yes, I wanted it. (sigh/eye roll) of course he ended up pulling me up top. He didnt try to get me to do the work? however. He pulled my arms out, so that he was holding them over his head, and he choked me hard, tingly appendages hard, and fucked the hell out of me.? I felt very uncomfortable. The light was on full blast, I was on top, and not even trusted to do the work. Shortly after, he came. I was still on top, and finally looked at him (I try not to during sex, because I dont want to be too attached) "Are you ok", he asks, AGAIN "You look like you are about to have a panic attack" I looked down at my hands to see if they were shaking, which I cannot remember if they were, and then streams of tears came down my face. I was horrified, because I didnt even know it was going to happen. It wasnt a sobbing mess type thing, they just came, silently. I got up, gosh I was so mortified, and of course he was so worried. I cleaned myself up in the BR and he had followed. I was embarrassed. He told me he asked me because I had been shaking, and he said after he asked, I shook even more. Looking upon my face at that moment must have been pure horror.? I know crying after sex is the kiss of death. KISS OF DEATH. When we got back to bed, and the lights were out, I admitted it was because I liked him. "Oh, pfft. Thats old news! Put it in the back of the newspaper!" I replied, yes, but I think its starting to interfere. It must have been. For a man who is so good at communicating, and reading facial emotions, all he had to say was, "oh". I tried to apologize for it again a few minutes later, and he says "That again? I have already forgotten". I know when Number One has dismissed a subject as water under the bridge, I am to forget about it. He likes not to let it fester. It had been resolved, he said it was Ok, I am not to apologize again. Rehashing old wounds. He made sure I wasnt crying again, and we went to sleep.?
Theres so much going on up there, I dont even know what to share. I am drowning in thought. Story of my life.? On a lighter note however, I made nearly 200 bucks at work tonight. We hosted Tufts homecoming.?
edit on 10|5|09. elaboration later.
WOW. (most)MEN ARE CRAZY. I just found this journal. I know its in reference to me. And I dont even know what to take from it. People are out of touch around here! It reads,
"10/4/2009 12:13:11 AM: wow I love it when someone takes an interest in
you and then all of the sudden blocks you. Thats pretty f***ed up."
So, lets examine the situation. In his 1st msg he seems kind of put together, and I reply. Nothing too involved, a thank you and a follow up question. I never reply to his letter number 2 where he invites me out. Number three where he issues his phone number is ignored. Hes drunk in number 4, apologizes in 5. More attempts to get a reply from me in number 6. And 7. And 8. And then I blocked him. He just looked at my profile then posted that journal. This took 10 days. I was oh so interested.
(a lot of)Men around here are delusional.
opps, I just accidentally favorite'd someone and have not figured out how to undo it. . .
On another note, I had someone confirm with me it was Ok that they took my sloppy seconds.. It was a first, so to speak. I am of course Ok with it (I said goodbye, he is fair game), but as I ponder grow a bit jealous. She is basically an overweight me.
Well I have a date with Number One tomorrow night, and suddenly I am terrified. "what if its too romantic"?
I think its because I went to the website and realized that the place really does transport you to another place in the world. It is one of my favorite places to eat tapas.?
I literally just got a text from my friend reminding me that he had voiced interest in eating there before we made plans to, so that is good to keep in mind. "Youre going for the yummy food, not the romance" She reminds me.
I just get really nervous with him lately because its nearing 2 months dating and I dont want to get ahead of myself since its still so informal. As you can see, I am not that good at casual dating. I have been in LTRs, basically forever. The past 10 years, with just a few months in between.
While its still pouring, Ive decided to open the window and go to bed.?
Sorry to anyone who has written me this past week, I have not had a moment to compose decent replies, but expect to hear from me in a few days :)
Now I am off to VT
I have set a weight goal. Oh boy, here we go again. Well, its pretty reasonable, 122 by Halloween, which works out to 2 lbs a week. Bleh. Well, I went to the gym today on break from my double. Yep, got accosted in the weight room. I hope no one wonders why chicks hate it (weight room). Yep, by a trainer too. Why is it always the trainers?! One approached me while I was on a machine once, headphones, sweating and all. Gave me some lame lines, asking if I was training cause wow my posture was so impressive, whatever. The guy today gets points for at least trying to have a normal conversation, but said points are removed for having to offer my name and ask for his. At least the one I finally succumbed to got a real job so I dont have to worry about running into him anymore. Well, thats what I get for buying my new fitness pants than are damn fucking tight and (sexy) - dammit I knew better!
Maybe Im making it all up in my head. Anxiety is feeding.
profile update. scroll down in about me.?
Question for Ladies (D/s): I find I have a lot of trouble being on top. Its not that I dont know what to do, per say, but that I basically feel like an idiot doing it. I would not say the problem is that I am insecure with my body ~ while I dislike the idea of him scrutinizing me I also partially feel humiliated from the scrutinization (fictional or not) and thus turned on.? I guess the problem is that I dont feel completely secure in the actual execution of being on top. When I was 18 my bf at the time made me watch BJ porn and now I am great at it + much more confident since the 'lessons'. Maybe I should attempt this route again? .. Something needs to be done, Number One is becoming frustrated with me.?
I have removed my hickey story.
When I first joined CM in April 2006 it was one week before my first (and only) collaring. I was slave for 18 months out of that 3 year relationship. I was released on Oct 30, 2007 and asked to leave Our residence. Since that time D and I had been off and on, hoping, someday that we would just mesh again, like we used to. In fall 2008 we got in a large fight, and we did not sleep together again until April 2009. We had rendezvous from then up thru the better part of July 2009, all going VERY well (formal dates, sleepovers, wooing, the whole 9). I stopped sleeping with D once I realized how much I *really* liked Number One in Aug 2009. Come September, I will learn that D had been engaged since early 2009. I had confronted him early July about it because I had heard a rumor. Denied. *sigh*. To be honest, I was not upset. I didnt even like sleeping with him anymore. He was demanding, aggressive, and out of shape. Granted, these are things I do not mind, even enjoy(sans fitness level), if I am attracted towards you, but things were never really the same after he uncollared me, and when he demanded rights to my body, well it just didnt feel the same, so just hooking up wasnt even pleasurable for me.? . . So, when I found out, I sighed and moved on. What got to me was how much he lied to me in 2009. A lot of lies. And he claims (STILL) to want to be friends. Undecided.?
My house hosted a dinner party last night for my roommates bf. We made vegetable lasagna and it was amazing, of course. I love hosting, especially when everything goes correctly, as it did. Perfectly smooth. Cake at 11:59, down to the wire.? I made the recipe and did all the prep for dinner, friend put the layers together. We cracked the bottle I bought in wine country with my former Master whom we recently learned was engaged. We toasted to "not holding onto it forever". Fitting. Dinner by candle light, good food, good friends. Good wine. Number One called, but I was distracted and we only chatted for a few minutes before he let me go. We will be meeting tomorrow. I hope we get to sleep in. I want to cook Number One dinner.
Guest called friend and I breeders. I, of course, do not mind, but I wonder how he meant it. Was it an insult? Or a slight hope so someday posses his own? Couldnt tell.
I was put off by how hard it was to convince friend to buy her bf's favorite kind of cake, because she did not like it. (confetti cake). His birthday, there should be no debate, he gets his favorite cake. And yes, he commented on the fact that we baked him a confetti cake.
Tonight, I received one of the best compliments I have ever gotten: "You have a very pleasing disposition and a lovely smile. Someone needed to tell you that. Like your boyfriend, everyday".? I was at work, and it made me feel very good. It made me feel like I was doing right. All thats missing is the boyfriend.
Do you watch Hung on HBO? I own every pair of under garmets you see Lenore in. cute.?
Yes, my slavery was live-in.
bobby pins? haha.. A sadist will find his tools anywhere he can.?
CM forums have changed so much since I first made my account in 2006. I feel like every time I give my two cents someone is there to over anaylize every bit I have to say about myself. I thought the idea was to share experiences and thoughts with posters not get judged around every corner with comments implying your thought processes need to be reexamined & your beliefs are wrong. I cant help the way I am or how my synapses fire. BDSMers are sometimes surprisingly narrow-minded. To each his own.
m
I hadnt seen him in a week, but here he was laying on my couch, with me on top. My head was near his waist and I could see his pants were pulled tight against him. "Do you remember this belt?" He asked me. I looked down and he was unfastening it slowly. Yes I recognized it. It was the belt he pulled tight around my neck during one of our first encounters. He had used this belt on me a second time as well, to whip my thighs and make me jump for his amusement (and mine as well, lets be honest). I heard the leather sliding quickly out of his pants and within no time he had it around my neck once again. He pulled me up to his face, pulled it tight and stuck his tongue in my mouth. He pulled faster than last time and my sessions were more quick and intense. I started giggling in between, Im sure due to lack of oxygen. The last one was pretty intense, (he wont let go till I give the sign... so far) so I sat on the floor beside him for a moment before climbing back on the couch around his knees. He had his dick out by now, and tells me "here, ... or here" pointing, "by 3" and I giggle. I am not used to having someone act so dominating without ever discussing mutual BDSM intrest, so I giggle, and defyingly ask, "are you serious?"? he was on 2 by the time I got the words out, and on 3 I hadnt picked a kiss. He sits up abruptly and lunges at me, arm outstreched. I jump back, but not fast enough. He grabs the soft fleshy area under my breast, HARD. He had a sizeable grip on me, and pulls me back to where I was before, around his knees. He repeats himself after I stop squealing and he lets me go. "By 3" he says. I made a decision by 2. Unable to answer, he asks me if I would let him do anything he wanted to me right now.
for reasons yet to be determined, I have uploaded a picture of my face ~ When I had my old acct I had numerous photos, but had decided to take the more discreet route this time around. Until now I suppose.?
please excuse my delay in replies to PM. Apparently there are a lot of kinky boys in Harvard ;) and I have yet again, be inundated with msgs. Should pass once classes start up :)
Thanks, m
I am not having the best day in the world, sans details. It results in me not feeling well. The boy I am seeing (who just last night says to me, "I am not opposed to the idea of a gf, but I am opposed to the idea of a gf right now") calls and is generally concerned, but is tired and does not invite me over, even though we spend most nights together. We're not exclusive. Its no secret, although I dont think anyone is seeing more than the other. There is a man I can call who I know will use me and fill the void of depression and self loathing with one simple call. I told him so. He replies, "wow I respect your honesty" (I said 'I want to booty call you right now but only b/c I am depressed and meaningless sex is my old way of dealing').
I know I would feel like I betrayed number one, but I also know, I am not number ones gf, and probably never will be. I want to feel used to feel better. I am hoping writing about it will do the trick.
This is a really fucked up moment. Its emotions are circa 2000, but happening in 2009.
How do you feel about gun play? I have recently crossed paths with a male acquaintance of mine, who suddenly (at least physically, for now) became more. I guess now is the part where I admit to myself I am uncollared, since I have (mostly) not practiced monogamy since I was told to leave my Masters house, permanently.
After we met a few times, the topics of knives and guns came up (as bed props).? He made a funny remark that I cannot remember precisely, but it was somewhere along the lines of 'I dont want to have to clean my gun when we're done with it' (lol) ~ but, I think, implying that was not the game he had in mind. After being pressed I admitted I had no qualms with a gun, as long as it was unloaded. He pressed two fingers hard up under my chin, "can I put it here?" he asks. I breath in sharply, nervous and excited. "What about here?" and quickly moves his hand to my temple. It hurt, but I giggled. He then proceeded to open the cabinet next to his bed (one he had previously very sharply told me to stay out of ~ I had meerly peeked in to see if there were toys, since it was where the condom had been procured from). He pulled out a very fancy cigar box and opened it to reveal a gun, and loaded clip. It was a sleek Beretta. He one by one, popped the bullets out of the clip, slowly, staring at me, and grinning in a lovely devilish manner. He inserted the clip into the gun, and asked me if I thought it was sexy. I was scared of this modern gun. I was used to my dads old fashioned revolver. I tried to imagine the rape scenario that would take place once I showed the go signal. I suggested that maybe we wait until our next night together. He said that was fine,? & put the gun away.
When the cabinet was closed, he went to the light and turned it down. He asked me to face the other direction, towards the wall kneeling on the bed.
He undressed me first, silently. I still was told not to turn around. I heard him take off his belt, and it was pulled tight around my neck.
that was a good night.
you disable it in the inbox, thanks for everyones help
How do you disable email notification of new msgs from CM?
