Mikjacks2

Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great crystal river. The current of the river swept silently over them all -- young and old, rich and poor, good and evil -- the current going its own way, knowing only its own crystal self.

Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to the twigs and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life, and resisting the current was what each had learned from birth.

But one creature said at last, "I am tired of clinging. Though I cannot see it with my eyes, I trust that the current knows where it is going. I shall let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I shall die of boredom."

The other creatures laughed and said, "Fool! Let go, and that current you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed against the rocks, and you will die quicker than boredom!"

But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go, and at once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks.

Yet in time, as the creature refused to cling again, the current lifted him free from the bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more.

And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried, "See a miracle! A creature like ourselves, yet he flies! See the messiah, come to save us all!"

And the one carried in the current said, "I am no more messiah than you. The river delights to lift us free, if only we dare let go. Our true work is this voyage, this adventure."

But they cried the more, "Savior!" all the while clinging to the rocks, and when they looked again he was gone, and they were left alone making legends of a savior.

The Journal entry following this was written after a few drinks, the next day my initial reaction was that of embarrassment and wanted to race home to delete it, as I have found after a few drinks both my tongue and, apparently my fingers get a bit loose.  As I reread it, I am still embarrassed to give such details, however if I am serious about my search, then I need to be open.  Fact is that until I meet that special person, I can switch, if you are a sub, and want to be pushed to your limits I can do that, most likely it wont go much further then that.  If you are a switch, then I really only see a chance of it working if you are someone that is Dom, but occasionally like to receive pain.  If you are a Dom, who reads the following, and likes it, then I wrote it for you(and maybe you are the person I have searched for).  But I mostly left it up for this reason how can I claim to like humiliation if I wont suffer a bit at my own hands.  

PLEASE READ ALL BEFORE YOU THINK YOU KNOW ME>>... !!!!!!

OK, so I met a great person, that I referred to before that made me think I could be just a Dom for(but it has only been online), So I know it is in me for the perfect person, but things have to be perfect for it to fall that way.  Then I met a sub(or so she said) and I pushed her to her limits(see I don't have sympathy, as a Dom, so I can push really hard, because my time as a sub has been filled with women that just do it for my benefit, so I am never really pushed, so if someone wants pain, I can give it without a second thought, I don't or wont hold back), but found switching didn't work for us, neither of us knew where we stood from one day to the next, in one conversation I would call her Mistress as she called me Master.  She took control(thank god), and decided for me that I would be her slave... and while I am great at giving pain, and never really liked receiving such pain we had a blast and many fantasies came true.

     First I got to be tied up and feel the humiliation of seeing the pleasure she could get from another man, not being able to touch myself and only getting pleasure from her moans of pleasure was amazing, While I had been in cuckold situations before, this was different, because while she was getting pleasure from getting pounded with a big cock(and it was big), I could tell she got an equal  amount of pleasure from my suffering and enjoyment(not to mention reminding me how much more he did for her).... then she pushed me further tying me in such a way(after dressing me in her under items(fish nets and thongs) she tied me to my weight bench and placed an ad on craigslist inviting men over to take us both...  I sucked a few cocks getting them ready to fuck her, and it was great, even had one guy that was more into the scene that had me suck him and then took me from behind, before taking her(and I was told if I could get myself untied before he came I could cum that night, I failed, but made it all that much better)... all of this fed my need for humiliation( I remain firm I am not bi, just very open, never looked at a guy and said wow, he is hot, and kissing a guy is nasty).  

     Then I experienced her strap on, she even had be preform orally on one of her friends as I took it.... being taken from both sides was an experience... and then watching them go at it.  Following all this This she sprinkled Ginger on her strap on which will make most men scream a bit, but not getting the reaction she wanted, she moved to cyan pepper(OMG).. and that burn lasts a long time... she was ready top take me way beyond my known limits to that place that is dark, but exciting.  to the point where maybe I became a true slave all the way(at least as much as I can with children)... then she disappeared... I got a message from her saying her life was out of control and she wasn't doing what she needed for herself, and she was walking away and didn't know when or if she would be back... so while I want her to be happy, that void I am feeling makes me feel so empty... and leaves me in a land of confusion... I am sadistic, get great pleasure from giving pain, and for a very special person that would be enough... but I also love humiliation and cuckolding lifestyle, and this would not need to be as perfect, as as a slave I can overlook many things as long as the person controls my pleasure and my pain.... and love can come from that control..... Before she had left I was told I was to be locked in a chastity device, and as much as I love my orgasms, part of me wishes she had done so and taken the key with her, so all I could do is pine away, waiting to know my fate, out of control, at another's whim.... 

So what does this make me... I am a sadist, love causing pain, and if I met the right person with limits that were just right, that I could push, then that could be enough, and eveything else were perfect... then that could work...

But I am also a masochist that derives pleasure from pain and humiliation, in this situation the other person doesn't have to reach the standards of perfection I would hold a sub to, as long as they controlled me, and I got my humiliation then, I would love that person... 

So I think I am a better sub/slave, but can be a Dom for a short amount of time, for a few scenes(and if every star aligned perfect stay that way)... but switching would have to be a perfect balance, that worked for us both, and that would be the hardest thing to find(may it is out there, just don't know)... but I can say being treated like an object and salve, was the biggest turn on I have experienced... 

Maybe she will come back, and be ready to claim me, maybe there is someone that reads this and goes thats what I want in a man... so for all my journeys I am still confused, the right person that reads this will be a part of what guides me to whom I truly am

A few random thoughts to show that I am still active.  First it has not been over a year of being single, and for the first time, I feel no pressure to jump into something, for the moment I have decided that I would rather wait till I find the perfect person for me(not saying they have to be a perfect person), then to settle for less then I want or deserve.

Next I changed my profile status back to switch, While this doesn't change anything else that has been written, but in spending more time on here and talking with others, I have found that with a very select few, I feel more Dom, so it accurately defines where I am.  To make sure I am clear though, if I met the right Domme, Switching can be taken out of the equation, and as much as it surprises me if I met the right sub,  I also believe I could take switching out.  Now to be honest, it would be much harder(I believe) to find the perfect submissive... but difficult is not impossible.  I give a lot of credit to my new friend in Germany, she though our conversation, has really awakened some of my Dom desires and shown me that maybe the "unfilled" feelings I had with Domming those girls in the past was less about the Dom aspect and more maybe they just weren't right for me.

Last thing, I have very open mind, and really tired of talking to people that claim to be, just because you are more open to spanking or being tied up then most of the drones that go though the world, doesn't mean that you have an open mind.  An open mind is the ability to hold two contradicting ideas in your head at the same time, you don't have to like everything, but the ability to see how and why other people do is important, and there is nobody better or worse for likening or not liking an aspect of this life, but if you stick you nose up at someone because they do, well then not only are you not open minded, but most likely are an asshole to boot.

Wow what a difference 6 months can make.  My son is coming slowly up on a year old, I have moved from Kennett Square and now am back in Lancaster.  Been dating alot more recently looking for that special person, and alas they have not shown themselves.