mika131

It has currently been four and a half months since the last time I got to see my sexy man. We have to do long distance right now because of some personal things. I never realized I could miss someone this much. It hurts so much at times. But I keep going. Not for him. For me. I need to keep going. It has to be for me because this is my life. Not anyone else's. I need to make this into the life I want.

When he comes back in February, I will have built everything the way I want it to be instead of trying to follow someone else.

I found a quote the other day. Paraphrasing it says something like this: The heart pumps blood and creates enough energy to drive a truck 20 miles every day. In a lifetime, this is enough energy to go to the moon and back. So when someone tells you they love you to the moon and back, they're telling you they'll love you for the rest of their lives.

I love him to the moon and back. If this is what love feels like, then I've never loved before. I thought I did, but now I know different. He loves every part of me. Not just some parts. He doesn't want me to be anyone but myself. I don't feel like I have to cut off pieces of my soul for him to love me. I don't have to marginalize how I feel for him to love me.

I don't have to pretend that I like or don't like certain things just because he does or doesn't like those things. He loves my quirks and all my other weirdness.

I thought I was poly. I thought I was poly because I felt like no one person could be everything I needed. I brought this up to a dear vanilla friend of mine, and she told me; "If you're with the right person, you don't need anyone else."

She knew me when I was in a previous relationship and didn't understand why I was with that person. She told me much later that it didn't seem like he really loved me and just wanted me to be there to have sex with when he wanted it. She didn't tell me before because she didn't really know me and didn't want to intrude on my personal life.

I know you shouldn't compare relationships, but I do. My man says something, does something, and I can't help but think that my ex wouldn't have said that or done that. It can be something as simple as going for a walk. I'd ask my ex and I'd get all these excuses as to why he couldn't. I ask my man now and he says "Sure! Where are we going?"

It's been a really hard four months. It makes me realize a lot of things about my sexuality. Sure, I miss sex, but I can deal with that. What I miss is someone to cuddle with, someone to talk to. The intimate moments that had nothing to do with sex and just my hand in his as we went on a drive in the dark through the woods just to drive.

I didn't realize how much I need the dominance and submission. How much I need the pain, the bruises. How much I need to give up my control right now. I know I have too much on my plate and I have to be in charge of it all, and it's so hard. I need to be tied up and hurt more than I need sex. In fact I don't need the sex at all. I didn't realize this was such a big part of my sexuality. I didn't realize that I need the dominance the loss of control so much.

I didn't realize until he had to leave, that I don't need more than him. I found my one person. He's the first person I ever heard a song and thought "oh that's hissong." He's the first person who has picked out a song for me. Hearing those songs makes my heart do a little jump while I think "hey this is our song!" and then it makes me want to cry because I'm happy, and cry because I'm sad that we can't listen to it together because he's too far away.

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. It does. Mine has.