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| Owned and collared property of Mastergold44221. We are a 53 year old dominant and 26 year old submissive couple in search of females who are looking for 24/7 poly household. Prefer nonsmoking and non-drinking submissives. We are both in college for business management. For more information please email e.dickson44312@yahoo.com, or dreamrose5607@yahoo.com.
We have been together for six years and not looking to change that. We have no children, and do not do drugs.
We would love to find submissives in or near the akron, Ohio area to meet, mingle, and explore opportunities. While we would love to find somebody local we are interested in females from all other states.
We are real and very sane individuals, looking for real submissives. Always looking to find and make new friends. From novice to experienced, willing to talk and get to know each submissive
As his submissive, I seek female submissives to become friends with, share advice, and have discussions. I can be reached on yahoo messenger under the sn dreamrose5607
I do suffer from bipolar, PTSD, depression, anxiety. While I realize that may turn some away, my conditions are managed and under control. I was diagnosed in 2008.
WILL NOT BE YOUR BANK OR PAY FOR YOUR RELOCATION !!!
What a Master should be...What should a Master be? The question can only be answered individually by both Masters and fledglings alike. Here is my rendition of what a Master should be. The Master is a strong man, a dominate man. He is sure of himself, confident in his place in society. He cherishes females, revels by their presence. He is giving, caring, Loving and understanding. When the Master takes on a new fledgling, he worships her, discovers her, slowly possesses her. He gently pushes her, always ready to show her that she is strong, that her limits are not what she believes them to be, that she can be taken farther. In this, the Master reveals to the fledgling her own confidence, her own levels of self esteem. As the Master learns his new fledgling, an understanding takes place. He senses her desires, her needs, her passions. With this new knowledge, the Master takes care of the fledgling, always giving what the fledgling needs but not necessarily what she presumes she needs. It is the Master's responsibility to care for, protect and love his fledgling. If she is sick, he will feed her. If she is exhausted, he will allow her to rest, stroking her hair as she does so. If she is scared, he will comfort her. If she needs affection, he will hold her. These things he does willingly, because her knows her. He understands her as no one else does. He has seen into her soul and held it in his hands. Her mind is his to read, to know. Her body is his to feel. Her heart is his to caress. She becomes his possession. The Master does not take away the fledglings identity, but allows her to grow into her own being, her own likeness, her submission to him is not a vehicle of punishment or hatred, but one of love and development. She is given the room to come into her own, under her Master's care, like a flower that flourished under the sun's warmth. She radiates from his love and devotion. She becomes a rose; a beautiful being that knows she is loved and cared for.
Jessica's personal hard limits:
Caging/confinement
Candle wax
Catheters
Gangbangs
Public humiliation
Punching
Pony play
Puppy play
Blood
Caning
Choking
Human toilet
Cupping/fire cupping
Human ashtray
Gambling
Ass Play
Electrical Play
Exhibitionism
Fire Play
Fisting
Gas Masks
Hoods
Knife Play
Needle Play
Watersports
Whips
Horror Movies
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When you enter into a BDSM relationship with your dominant, it is important that you understand your rights as a submissive...and you DO have rights. It is a common misconception among new submissives that they do everything and take everything that their dominant dishes out to them. This could not be further from the truth. The word submissive does not mean you are a doormat.
Here are what your rights should be, as a submissive, when entering into a dominant/submissive relationship:
The right to an opinion. Just because you make a decision to enter into a BDSM relationship does not mean that you suddenly have no thoughts or opinions. If you have a concern, it is important that you feel free to express what is bothering you in a respectful manner. It takes two to make any kind of a relationship, and a dominant would be left standing alone without his submissive. Any dominant who tries to keep his submissive from expressing an opinion is not a dominant worth having.
The right to a safe word. Giving yourself to another person physically and mentally does not mean he has the right to abuse you. It is imperative that a submissive be able to have a safe word to use as a signal to her dominant if a scene becomes too intense for her, either mentally, physically or emotionally. A true dominant will encourage the use of a safe words and a true submissive will use them sparingly and only if absolutely necessary.
The right to set limits. It is important for a submissive to enter into her relationship with her dominant letting him know what her hard limits are. The BDSM lifestyle can include everything from light bondage to knife play. It is important for you to let your dominant know in the beginning what you are willing to try and what you will absolutely never try. This will help determine if you are a good fit for the dominant.
The right to express your feelings. Being a submissive does not mean you become a robot with no feelings. As a matter of fact, you will probably experience your feelings in a more intense way than ever before. It is imperative that your dominant allow you to express your feelings...no matter what they may be.
The right to see family and friends. A loving, true dominant will never try and keep you isolated from your family and friends. It is important for you to have this system of support and love in your life. A dominant who tries to isolate you is not a true dominant. He is a mere control freak who is threatened by anyone else in your life who may care for you.
The right to good health. You, as a submissive have the right to good health. This means regular doctor visits, healthy eating and exercise. It means that when you are sick, you go to the doctor. It means when you need medicine, it is provided. It also means that if you are injured in any way during the course of a scene with your dominant, he will not hesitate to seek medical attention for you. A dominant who does not care enough to do these things for you is not a true dominant.
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A Submissive?s Bill of Rights
- You have the right to be treated with respect. Not only do you have this right, you have the right to demand it. Being submissive does not make you a doormat or less of a person than anyone else. The word ?submissive? describes your nature and in no way diminishes you as a human being.
- You have the right to respect yourself as well.
- You have the right to be proud of what you are. Being a submissive is nothing that should ever bring you shame or feelings of reproach. Your submissive nature is a gift and should always be a source of pride and happiness.You have the right to feel safe. Being a submissive should not make you feel afraid, insecure or threatened. Submission is not about living on the edge or flirting with fear. In any situation you should feel safe or there can never be true surrender.
- You have the right to your emotions and feelings. Your emotions and feelings come from you and they are just as valid as anyone else?s. You have a right to them. Those feelings, whether positive or negative, make you who you are and suppressing them will only bring unhappiness later.
- You have the right to express your negative feelings. Being submissive does not make you an that no longer has negative thoughts or concerns.Your concerns are real and you have every right to express them. If something doesn?t feel right, bothers you, makes you feel bad or you just plain don?t like something, say so. Failing to express your negative feelings could give the mistaken impression that you are pleased or satisfied with something that is not pleasurable or agreeable.
- You have the right to say NO. Being submissive does not take away your right to have dislikes or negative feelings about things. If something is happening or about to happen that you feel strongly opposed to, it?s your duty to speak up. Remember, failing to communicate the word NO is the same as saying YES.
- You have the right to expect happiness in life. Being submissive is not tantamount to being miserable, suffering or a life of despair. Your submission should bring you joy, peace and fulfillment. If it doesn?t, then something is wrong.
- You have the right to have input in a relationship. You are an active partner in any relationship you enter and have every right to contribute to it. You are submissive, not passive. A relationship that doesn?t include your needs, thoughts, hopes and desires is not one you should be in to begin with. This applies to friendships, partnerships and D/s relationships.
- You have the right to belong. Being submissive greatly involves the feeling of belonging. Many submissives have expressed that it was in discovering their submissive nature that they felt as through they ?belonged? for the first time in their lives. You belong to the lifestyle and will eventually belong to the One. It?s in that relationship you should find the final fulfillment of ?belonging? at last.
- You have the right to be loved and to love. Anyone who tells you that love doesn?t fit into a D/s relationship has never experienced the fulfillment of all it truly can be. Submissives are by nature loving and needing of love and have every right to expect this to be a part of their lives. It takes love to bring your submission into full bloom, so don?t settle for less.
- You have the right to be healthy. Health involves your physical, mental and emotional well-being. Any relationship, D/s or otherwise, that causes you to suffer physically, mentally or emotionally, beyond your limits, is abuse. There is no place for abusive behavior in a D/s relationship and it?s up to you to make sure those lines are not crossed. Being a submissive does not give anyone the right to harm or injure you in any way. The D/s community will stand behind you if you should encounter such a situation but you are the one who has to make them aware before they can help.
- You have the right to practice safe sex. Not only is this a right, it?s a duty to yourself and others you may come into contact with at a later date. Sexually transmitted diseases have reached epidemic proportions and must be a concern to any sexually active person. Safe Sex is something you have the right to insist upon and protecting yourself should never be discouraged by anyone who really has your best interests at heart. |
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Instead of riding the regular roller coaster, the D/s relationship can be like the grand three loop coaster!! Space Mountain!! Emotions flip up and down and hit hard.
Some of them are: Love, completeness, satisfaction, freedom utopia, adoration, cherishing. Pride, need to please, a feeling of finally "coming home".
But there may also be, Guilt, insecurity, jealousy Fear of inadequacy, failure, dependency A feeling of disappointment in oneself or ones Dominant.
The need for complete honesty and communication in explaining ones feelings to their Dominant can not be stressed enough. Part of the D/s relationship, the power exchange, is found in bringing out these emotions and dealing with them, together.
Submission is a gift. Your choice to obey what someone else says, knowing that you do not have to, knowing that nothing is forcing you to, is your choice to make. Submission is not something you are required to have, or something that must come naturally. It isn?t a one size fits all kind of deal. Though at the same time, there isn?t a ?you must be this, this and this in order to proceed? manual either.
Submissives, like their dominant counterparts, come from all walks of life and all kinds of different backgrounds. Yes, there are some people out there who are naturally submissive, just as there are some who are naturally dominant
Do not expect your gift of submission to look exactly like anyone else?s. It is something you choose to give, one less thing that is demanded from you, but something that you willingly give.
This is why they call submission a gift, it is a choice that is made, not one that is taken from you. In answer to your question, it is not a matter of ?can you be submissive? it is a matter of ?do you choose to be submissive?.
The only things that matter is your consent, your sanity and your safety in submitting to this other person (or people).
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What a Master should be...What should a Master be? The question can only be answered individually by both Masters and fledglings alike. Here is my rendition of what a Master should be. The Master is a strong man, a dominate man. He is sure of himself, confident in his place in society. He cherishes females, revels by their presence. He is giving, caring, Loving and understanding. When the Master takes on a new fledgling, he worships her, discovers her, slowly possesses her. He gently pushes her, always ready to show her that she is strong, that her limits are not what she believes them to be, that she can be taken farther. In this, the Master reveals to the fledgling her own confidence, her own levels of self esteem. As the Master learns his new fledgling, an understanding takes place. He senses her desires, her needs, her passions. under the sun's warmth. She radiates from his love and devotion. She becomes a rose; a beautiful being that knows she is loved and cared for.
A true Master shall take pride in the fact that a woman has chosen to devote her entire being to the satisfaction and fulfillment of his desires. Just as she, in return, can take pride that such a man has chosen her, above all others to provide that fulfillment. For openers, the female should decide that she may actually be a true submissive, and find the courage and commitment to put herself in the hands of a true Master. She must know that at that precise moment her option to make choices will end. He will do what he wants to do, completely apart from her preconceived ideas. I am not necessarily referring to physical discipline, and I am most definitely not referring to the extremes of physical discipline. There are always limits, and the true Master knows what they are. He also knows that those limits are different for every slave. But he also knows that regardless of those individually determined limits, every slave should at least once be forced to go one step beyond what she believes she can endure.
A Master should do what pleases him. The secret is to know the slave well enough so that while pleasing himself, he also provides her with fulfillment. But he should also once in awhile take his slave (even for a brief moment) slightly beyond her own self-conceived limits. But in doing so, he must take care not to really hurt her. |
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I copied these off the internet in hopes of discussing them and acting on them
1. i will serve, obey and please my Master.
2. Above all else my primary focus shall be to please my Master, hoping that He finds me pleasing in all that I do, whether i am in His presence or not. my Master knows of my potential, learning more about me in each day i am with Him. He trusts that i will act in accordance with what He perceives of my potential ? He knows what is best for me and how important it is that i set a good example for other females who may be present around me.
3. i worship my Master.
4. i worship my Master?s body.
5. The power of my Master fills me with awe. Just the sheer thought of Him or the hearing of His voice gives me strength.
6. To receive pleasure i must earn it
8. i trust my Master: His responsibilities, His skills, His hunger and needs, and His concern for my safety, my emotional, psychological, social, sexual, and physical health.
9. i am nothing more than an of great value ? an instrument Master will use to draw out His pleasures.
10. i will ask my Master for permission to satisfy whatever need i have before acting on it.
11. my body and mind are the property of my Master.
12. i must always give thanks to my Master for all i am given immediately after receiving what He has given me, for such things are gifts or privileges granted to me by Him.
13. i must be both specific and explicit in my speech.
14. i will not hesitate when responding to my Master. my focus is important to my growth.
15. i will thank my Master for the discipline and punishments I receive, specifying what i received and expressing the reason as to why i was given them.
16. i have no will of my own other than that which falls within the context of the rules i have selected and of that which is needed to pursue the ambitions i am allowed to seek out as according to the permissions i have received from my Master. i will report to Him my progress in such matters to receive His favor or His guidance in making whatever steps may be required to move ahead so that i am successful.
17. i am always in submission to my Master whether He is present or not, ready to please Him at anytime, in any place, under any circumstances, regardless of who may be present. For the opportunity to submit and to please is by far more important and satisfying than any other pursuit. i trust my Master will keep me safe, protecting His reputation and mine in the presence of others, as He examines my ability to present myself to Him and to others in a subtle manner when required to protect our lifestyle from those who may not understand, nor support, as long as our behavior is not in anyway misrepresented nor misinterpreted by those who may be afar. i am to set, once again, a good example, ready to explain my position to others when required to do so. my lifestyle is a part of a growing culture for which i must never forget that i am an integral part.
18. All my choices shall be based upon whether or not they will please my Master.
19. When i am not in the presence of my Master and i have choices to make ? i will perform them to the best of my abilities and within the boundaries and guidance He has allowed me.
20. i shall wear the collar my Master gives me with pride for it signifies His ownership of me and my devotion to Him.
21. i shall wear the chains my Master gives me as a symbol of my position in life ? that of bondage to Him. i shall wear them, as required, around my neck, my wrists, my ankles or around my waist.
29. i will never look into the eyes of my Master without his permission. To do so would be inappropriate of my position and doing so could be interpreted by Him that i am seeking His attention or expecting Him to act ? when such things are up to Him and to Him alone.
30. my head must be bowed down in the presence of my Master unless i am given permission to do so otherwise. i honor the position of my Master and it is important that i am not distracted in my submission to Him.
31. my eyes must be cast down in the presence of my Master unless i am given permission to do so otherwise. i am to focus on my behavior, waiting to act appropriately and without hesitation when directed to do so by Him.
43. my greatest felt satisfaction is realized when i know i have pleased my Master.
44. There can be no greater pain or suffering i can feel then when Master is not pleased with me. Naturally i will feel depressed, saddened, empty, and lost. i can only hope He will show His mercy upon me and provide to me the guidance i will need to be put back on track so that i will be forgiven and once again be allowed His eyes upon my flesh, His touch upon my soul, and His warmth and love upon my heart.
45. my submission is a natural inborn feeling, and at times a surging and powerful force inside me that only a respectable and knowledgeable Master can recognize, control and manage, for a He understands how my nature influences my behavior and how temptations to act outside of its drive can easily lead me astray and away from my primary focus: to please and to be found pleasing. He, too, manages and controls His Own natural state, sharing with me through a power exchange between us, bonding me tightly to Him, His needs with mine. my submission to such a Master allows for me to feel more aware and alive inside and out, bringing me to a feeling i cherish: ?at home?.
46. i fear no other power for my Master is always with me.
47. i will not hesitate in my obedience to my Master.
48. Whenever Master speaks, even when i am speaking, i am to immediately become silent so i may be able to listen intensely to what He has to say. i must never interrupt Him unless He has shown me how to communicate with Him, if i need to. i must ask first for His permission to speak, specifying to whom i would like to speak to, and whether or not i may be allowed to speak freely ? then and only then, if granted, may i say anything more than asking first
51. When Master feels i am ready and our relationship has progressed to a lifelong commitment, i shall be specially prepared to receive His unique and permanent mark of ownership upon my flesh, in a place of His choosing, whether it be a piercing, a tattoo or a branding. Thereafter, i shall become His property and slave in the most strict sense ? completely His for as long as the relationship continues to be managed and controlled in the manner in which is beneficial to each of us and in accordance with our mutually shared natures.
52. i am my Master?s greatest treasure.
53. i will learn all the positions my Master wants to teach me to the best of my abilities and will be prepared to take such positions when required and to display myself in a manner through them that He, and others who may be present, will find most pleasing.
55. The safeword given to me by my Master can be spoken at any time-even when i have been told to be silent. If i am not able to verbalize it ? i trust my Master will show me how i can express it. Safewords are for my protection as well as His. i must be careful not to take more than i can handle, as He will need to know when to stop from getting carried away with His own passions ? so that i may be prepared over time to endure more for Him.
56. my safeword, verbal or otherwise, cannot be used when i am being punished. i must remember that punishment could never be very effective if i were able to control it ? i must take it in full measure ? so that i will focus on the correction of my behavior for the long term, for unlike discipline, punishment is not what i will want again. i should know better. However, safewords can be used when i am being disciplined ? Master will let me know which is which when the time has come that such treatment is necessary to correct my behavior.
57. i must confess to my Master when i have been naughty so that He may decide if such violations require me to be disciplined or to be punished. i must accept whatever decisions He makes by thanking Him for His choice ? if He allows it before or shortly thereafter, specifying as to why i will be or have been disciplined or punished. i must focus upon how sorry i am for not behaving in the way in which i have been taught- for i have brought defilement upon myself and to Him an unacceptable act which is displeasing to Him.
73. i shall never think of myself as a weak person for it takes a strong female to commit to the drive inside me, to serve, to obey and to please a Master. i too have responsibilities and as natural as they may seem to me it is important that i use all of my faculties including my creative spirit to submit to a Master in a unique fashion personal to my relationship with Him. By doing so i hope to provide a good example to those females around me who may still be learning so they too are not led astray from their primary focus, that they are as true to their nature as i strive to continue to be to mine. i must remember that how i well i behave enlightens and empowers me to become even closer to who i am ? a devoted slave, of good rapport to a Master who truly understands my needs in relationship to His own.
74. i will give all that i am to my Master in order to become free.
75. i must never show disrespect towards my Master in any way ? no matter where i am ? in his presence or not.
76. Crying and the shedding of tears at any time is good and expected for it softens my will and bonds me closer to my Master.
77. Only in complete submission to my Master shall i realize the depth of the love i have for Him.
78. The needs of my Master must always come first before mine own for they offer an opportunity to please Him.
79. i must be attentive to the needs of my Master and always be ready to respond to them to the best of my abilities and in the unique ways in which i have chosen and have developed for Him.
80. i am allowed to suggest ways to further my training or use of me, verbally or through my journal, as long as i address my Master properly first.
118. i will periodically examine my whole life and look for how it has changed as a result of my relationship to my Master. i will speak to my Master about those areas where there have been improvements and those areas where i feel uncomfortable, insecure, or unsure of what direction i should take, how i should behave, or how i can behave in a manner that is different than how i have been behaving in the past.
119. i want to suffer for my Master in ways that please Him and that are safe for me to do so.
120. i will not be passive in serving my Master. i will aggressively participate in my exchange with him
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Dealing With Emotions
The perfect Dominant will keep you safe from harm: both physical and emotional. He will also keep you from any kind of discomfort, be it being too cold or too hot. He will heal all your ills and make your life perfect. All of your needs and wants will be fulfilled, even before you know you need or want something.
Sounds ideal, doesn't it? Well in theory, it is. However, Dominants are people to. Like anyone else, they will make mistakes, upset you, and sometimes even disappoint you. What do you do when that pedestal they are on gets a little lower to the ground? How do you express what you are feeling? What do you do? The answer is as simple as understanding human emotions.
Every emotion has a different way to be expressed. Love is one of the easiest emotions that can be expressed to our Dominants. We all seem to know how to do that instinctively. As we get to know Them, we learn Their likes and dislikes and learn to enhance on what They enjoy. In doing this, we also learn how to express ourselves and become aware of when such emotion is appropriate and when it is not. No matter who we are though, we expect certain things in return from the Dominant. When our needs are not met, we tend to become angry or hurt.
Ok: you?re angry with your Dominant - what do you say, and how do you say it and still maintain your proper place? One of the first things that should have been established in the beginning of your relationship is a way to communicate as equals, with no fear of retribution. Master and i call these ?time outs?. Once i ask Him if we can speak freely, i can say whatever is on my mind. That does not mean i can explode and say anything i want. i still have to maintain respect. When considering what to say, first decide what is truly important and what is merely being said out of anger. If it is possible, take time to seriously consider this aspect before you agree to enter into a conversation. Talking when you are calmer will keep you from saying things you may regret later. Words said in anger sometimes can never be forgiven or taken back. It is also very important that you have the Dominant?s full attention when you talk. If i feel it is important enough to bring up to my Master, i feel i deserve His full attention. If He is not totally focused on what i am saying, my anger builds, and this is where trouble usually starts.
Dominants please note: if it is important enough for your submissive or slave to talk to You about something, listen to what they have to say. Do not placate them or minimize their feelings no matter how trivial You may think they are. Something has upset Your sub and by listening and acting on this, You will gain more respect and be less likely to repeat the action which brought about the conflict.
What if it is not anger but fear you are feeling? Perhaps your Dominant said He wants to do something specific in the next scene. The action is not a hard limit, but the idea terrifies you. Inform your Dominant beforehand of what you are feeling. Over time, and if done slowly, fear can and will usually evaporate. i am very claustrophobic. The first time my Master mentioned total bondage, i was terrified; afraid i would freak out and embarrass us both. Even in my sleep, if my legs feel trapped by anything, i will wake up hitting and kicking to get them free. i talked with Master about these issues, and we took things very slow. When this issue arises now, He constantly talks to and touches me. As a result of His care, I feel very safe, and my fears evaporate. That is not to say that I do not still feel some fear if He moves away for a second. I still do, but i know He will return shortly. your Dominant is the one person you should trust above all others to help you over come your fears. After all, we want our Dominants not fear to rule our lives. Unless you talk with your Dominant and let Him know your fears, He will not know how to take corrective measures to minimize them. If left for you only to deal with, your fear will turn to anxiety, and the anxiety to anger directed at your Dominant for having put you into that position.
In short, to be human is to experience emotions. Your emotions are a very real and telling side of yourself. Unless you share these feelings with your Dominant, you are only giving a part of you away. How can you then expect Him to totally care for you, when you have held back such an important part of yourself? In the end, honest and open communication is the key to any relationship. Be it Vanilla, Dominant submissive, or any other type of relationship. |
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For the Dominant, the following is a little insight into the submissive mind?.
She wants to feel like she comes first in your life. As a submissive, I want to feel like I come first in my Master?s life. I know that sounds contrary to what many people think the M/s dynamic is but hear me out. I am expected to put my Master?s needs before my own. He comes first in all things. I get His drink before I get my own, at the dinner table I don?t start eating until He does, when others give me a choice for something I must first think of what Master would have me do and what would please Him the most before I give my answer, etc. It is my job to focus on His wants and needs, sexually, physically, and mentally, and to ensure they are all satisfied. If a submissive is working so hard to give so much of herself, to put her Master first in all things, and He is not considering her health (mental and physical) or seeing to it that her needs (structure, feeling dominated, feeling special) are met as well she will eventually feel disappointed and wonder why she?s trying so hard. The scales tip too far in one direction so to speak. As a submissive I need to feel like the amount of time and effort I put into serving Him, and doing it well, is met with the same time and effort He puts into being a good Dominant. With regards to wanting to be first it can sometimes feel a little selfish. For example, when I post something on the blog I like to feel like Master reads and responds to my posts before He reads and responds to any others. When Master says another woman looks pretty I need Him to follow that up with ?but nowhere near as beautiful as my little slut?. When it?s a choice between getting on the computer or smart phone, or talking to me, I want Him to always choose me first. Is that selfish? Maybe a little, but it?s part of what charges me and feeds my desire to want to please Him even more because I am grateful for the way He makes me feel ? like I am His most prized possession and the most important thing in His life. Oh sure, I love those deliciously naughty times where He also makes me feel like I am nothing but His little fuck toy, or when He needs to remind me that all things are a privilege so that I can deepen my state of submission, or when He occasionally voices the fact that what I want doesn?t matter in comparison to what He might want, those are all little pieces (mmmm?.like candy) of the lifestyle that I thrive on too. However I have the freedom to thrive on them only because I know overall ? I come first in His life. The kind of safety that creates is amazing! Besides, the less time I spend ?up in my head? stressing or wondering if I?m important to Him, the more time I have to focus on satisfying His desires or thinking up new ways to please Him ? a Dominant would be wise to remember that because the benefits to Him are huge!
She wants expectations and to feel like you care. Here?s the thing. In a vanilla relationship ? you?ve asked your wife to do something but it didn?t get done. She had a hectic day, was tired, or just wasn?t in the mood to do it and your vanilla reaction is to express understanding, accept that it didn?t get done, let it go, or you may even just do it yourself. (This of course is the calm civilized approach ? you may have gone the other way and been disappointed, angry, or upset which could lead to resentment or an argument ? I?m sure we?ve all been there so I won?t need to elaborate further.) Your vanilla wife may even be thankful for your understanding and for letting it slide, that you didn?t give her a hard time about it, and think you are being supportive by stepping up and doing it on your own.
Do not do this in an M/s relationship!
There is a time for babying a submissive ? we will always love the extra attention and coddling ? just not when we?ve failed to meet expectations. We chose this lifestyle, in part because we like the structure that comes with it ? there is a certain safety in structure. For me, having expectations is nice. One because it gives me a goal, something to achieve and feel accomplished at, two because it lets me know I?m doing things that will please Him the most, and three it gives me things I don?t have to decide on, I just have to do them. If you tell your submissive to do something or set an expectation, and it doesn?t get done, there has to be some sort of follow through, some sort of consequence. If I am not meeting the expectations set out for me and Master plays the vanilla card and just keeps letting me slide in an effort to be ?understanding?, it actually has the opposite effect. I feel like whatever it was He set out for me to do is obviously not that important to Him so I start to wonder why it needs to be that important to me? If it?s something for my own benefit, like exercise, I may even feel like He doesn?t really care about my health or helping me reach my goals and be the best person I can be. If a rule or expectation is important enough for you to make, it also needs to be important enough for you to enforce.
If you see that something?s not done and you do it yourself we won?t feel like you were trying to lighten our load, we will feel like we failed. Failure can be devastating to a submissive mind. This actually happened once with Master and I. I am to make sure He always has coffee available ? which means the pot is never empty when He?s home. Well it was half way through the day, I was deep into a work project, and when He went to get coffee He found the pot empty. Knowing I was stressed out and busy He just made the next pot Himself. When I found out I actually got mad, then upset, then I cried. Can you believe that? I cried because He made His own coffee! It wasn?t the coffee, and He hadn?t made me feel bad about it either, I just felt like I failed in my duties and it hurt, deeply. He didn?t know I would feel that way and honestly, at the time, neither did I, but since that day we?ve changed our tactics. If I get caught up in work and Master see?s the pot is getting empty He?ll just tell me ?I need more coffee? and I stop whatever I?m doing and go make it. This is much better. I may feel bad that I didn?t stay on top of it, and work to try harder, but at least He?s giving me the opportunity to fix it before I feel like I failed completely. The point is ? if you set out a task for your sub do not suddenly take it away from her by doing it yourself. No matter how many times you tell her it?s ok, or you were just trying to help, she will still feel miserable.
Having said all this about meeting expectations I have to put a note in here. Expectations should be discussed before they are implemented. I will do whatever Master asks of me but He always gets my input first to make sure it?s doable in the first place. This is also a way that He lets me know He cares. Understand your submissive too! I am an overachiever so sometimes I try to take on more than I can actually handle. When you have an overachiever set up a new expectation or rule with a trial period so you can ie don?t let her manipulate you). By the same turn, if you see she?s struggling it?s perfectly acceptable for you to approach the issue before a task is due with something like, ?You know what? I?ve decided I really want you to focus on ?this? right now so for today I want to make my own coffee.? You will find this approach has many benefits. She may still feel bad about having a task taken away but it is your order and decision so she will accept it. If she?s in a good submissive mindset she will also want to earn that task back which will make her try harder to accomplish whatever ?this? is so it?s out of the way. She will also be grateful for you wanting to take care of her, by managing her stress level, which will also fuel her desire to try harder. She may just also need a little correction or guidance instead of a full blown punishment. Like in the above example with the coffee, Master doesn?t punish me when the coffee pot is empty, He just reminds me it is my duty. That works wonders for that situation. Now if all that is in place and she doesn?t come to you to ask for a reprieve, and she still doesn?t complete an expectation then yes, punishment or discipline needs to be there. I hate to admit it but sometimes, consciously or not, I think I test my Master every once in a while, just to see if He will follow through. When He does, I feel safer, more secure, that it?s important to Him and more like He really is in control of the situation. I will have a later post about how to punish or discipline effectively.
She wants to know you?re paying attention. Many submissives, not all but many (me included), thrive on attention. In some ways I think it?s tied to the control aspect of being dominated. Because we have given over control to our Master we know that He, at least on some level, always has to be aware of what we are doing, how we are behaving, and our physical and mental state ? and we like that. There?s something intricately erotic about knowing that Master is always keeping an eye on me. Does that mean that a Dominant always needs to be focused on His submissive? Well no, that would be ludicrous. But you should be paying enough attention so that she knows she is under your care. I would be perfectly happy to sit at Master?s feet, my head in His lap, while He focuses on watching a movie but I am happier still if I move out of position and He notices and then corrects me. If I am dressed in what I know appeals to Him most (making an effort to impress and serve Him) I like it much better if He smiles, or tells me how sexy I look, or that He can?t keep His hands off me than if He just walked in and started talking about work or the weather (like He didn?t even notice). Talking about whatever is fine, just acknowledge that you notice the effort she put into pleasing you first.
Sometimes I want to be bratty. It?s not that I really mean to in a disrespectful way, it?s more a cry for a little extra attention when I?m feeling like its lacking. If I playfully stick my tongue out at Master and He doesn?t reach up, grab a fistful of my hair, pull my head back, get right up close to my face and ask ?Now what was that all about?? I?m disappointed. He may smile or laugh about it while He?s doing it (which lets me know that He understands I wasn?t being disrespectful), because we like a little playful banter in our relationship, but the point is He notices and doesn?t let me get away with it without some sort of reaction. Don?t automatically assume we are being disrespectful, recognize that some brattiness, actually probably most, is just a cry for a little attention. And having a submissive, who is supposed to be focused on you, doesn?t mean you have a doormat. She is also a regular person, with feelings, events in her day, stories to tell, and ideas to express. Ask her about her day, how she?s feeling, or her thoughts on a topic. Pay attention to her physical demeanor, motions, or mannerisms. Get to know her. As her Dominant you should know her better than anyone else and she will notice, and appreciate, your efforts to do just that. |
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How to interview prospective dominants
Journal Entry | 2 Love It | 4 days ago
Your prince is out there, seeking you, hungering for you, wondering where you are. But crouching between you and him are dozens of frogs and trolls. A few of these are even handsome and well-spoken. And you must wade through them, trying not to get slimed or bitten, before reaching your eventual partner.
Just how are you to discern a poser from a dependable, balanced dominant gentleman? A man with the qualities described in What to Look For ...? You can't see into the past, or read minds, so you have one method of discrimination before you take the risk of investing trust in a prospect: inquisition?you ask him a ton of questions.
It's one of the hardest chores for many submissive women. After encountering a gent she feels intrigued by, she must?although her sub side may already desire his direction?play detective.
Many single subs overlook this phase, and expose themselves to unsavory characters claiming BDSM expertise after a brief online correspondence or phone conversation. Single sub friends of mine have had bad experiences that they might have avoided had they vetted dom candidates more carefully. One was physically mistreated on a first date, another was stalked and had her car ransacked. Thankfully I don't hear such stories that often.
Here then are some tips on the art of investigation...
Be sweet but skeptical. There are relatively few quality, single, monogamous doms in the world. An awful lot of the so-called doms you're likely to turn up (especially on kink sites) are insincere and/or unsafe. Don't give a stranger the benefit of the doubt! Don't grant him more trust than he's earned.
Present your questions as expressions of interest. Your ive is information, but let him see that you're intrigued by him and want to know all about him. And proceed at a relaxed pace, making space for him to query you about things.
Start with instant messaging, from an anonymous webmail account. I like Gmail, as it keeps chat logs. IM is interactive, and you can tell something about the guy from the speed and clarity of his answers. However, plain email may work better than IM via phone, since typing on a tiny screen is slow and error-prone.
Make phone calls without caller-ID. When ready to continue the discussion by phone, make a talk appointment, and place the call yourself, so you can hide your number. From the United States, dial 67 (mp, think "my privacy") and then his number. Or use Google Talk, Skype, etc.
Re-ask important questions a few times, over time. Many people feel comfortable lying to strangers. Liars frequently don't remember exactly how they answered questions previously, so you'll hear inconsistent responses.
Watch out for B.S. Politely disengage if the guy says any of:
Address me as sir/master/daddy/etc. [that comes later]
You ask too many questions to be a genuine sub.
I'm the dom; I'll decide what to reveal and when.
That question has no bearing on my relationship with you.
Well I really don't blah blah blah... [evasiveness]
Ask about relationships. The most important material you can unearth is his relationship history. Does he say good things about the girls, or does he blame them for things? Some of the topics:
What have been your most significant relationships?
For each one:
- how did you meet?
- when did it end?
- how long did it last?
- why did it end?
- are you still friendly, if not why?
- what did you love about that relationship?
- what about it didn't work for you?
- what are the three most valuable things you learned from it?
- what were the three hardest moments during it?
- what were the three best moments?
- how did you wish she was different?
- how did she wish you were different?
- what were your biggest mistakes of that relationship?
Have you ever met another girl without your partner knowing?
What are your expectations of a partner?
What behavior by a partner most pleases or thrills you?
What behavior by a partner most upsets or frustrates you?
What are your biggest issues/vulnerabilities in life?
- how have those surfaced in recent relationships?
Ask about kinks. You need to know if you have kink-compatibility. Topics:
What are your most important kinks?
- how often do you need them?
Do you enjoy vanilla sex?
What are the five most intense kinky things you've done?
- how did you do aftercare in those cases?
When have you pushed a partner too far?
- how did you deal with those times?
What are your thoughts on safewords?
What are your hard limits?
Have you seen a partner subdrop?
- how did you deal with it?
Have you made rules for a sub?
- what are some examples?
- how have you punished a sub for breaking rules?
Have you read how-to books or taken classes on BDSM?
Ask about deal-breakers. Most people have relationship needs they're unwilling to compromise on. Find out what his are. And discover whether he's compatible with yours! Also don't entertain the fantasy that either of you can change the other to solve deal-breaker issues.
Ask about friends and family. His relationships with people other than ex-partners may be telling.
Who are your closest friends?
- how often do you see them?
- how do you spend time with them?
If you have siblings, are you close with them?
- how do you spend time with them?
- do you have nieces or nephews?
Are you close with your parents?
- what do you like/dislike about them?
Reconfirm the basics. You may think you already know the answers to these, but verify what you know.
How old are you?
What are your height & weight?
Are you married/separated/divorced/single?
Are you seeing anyone?
Are you polyamorous?
Do you have any children?
Are you employed, and in what field?
Do you live alone?
Do you have pets?
How often and how much do you drink?
Do you smoke or do any drugs?
Do you have any history with the law/courts?
Do you own any firearms?
Make up your own questions. There's zillions of other things you'll want to know about a prospective partner, for your own reasons. Ask away!
Be patient. Take the time and care necessary to get to know someone, on many facets of his personality, before you put your well-being in his hands. Avoid being sucked in by D/s Gravity. Don't be afraid to back up or walk away if it doesn't feel right to you. And be persistent; don't let the frogs get you down.
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What submissives offer
Journal Entry | 3 Love It | 4 days ago
Possesses a strong will. As a friend of mine who's the master half of a master/slave pair likes to say, "A good sub has a spine of steel." Ultimately, it is inner strength that lets a sub give of herself in profound and intense ways, and carry on this way year in and year out.
Wants kink for the way it makes her feel. Doing it "for his sake" may seem like a submissive attitude, but activities which are not rewarding to her, either during or afterwards, are ultimately depleting and unsustainable.
Shares a few significant, non-kinky passions with her partner. D/s partners must have vanilla chemistry; they can't spend every minute of the relationship in a kinky fog. (For example, I go partner dancing twice a week, and if my girl wasn't into that, I'd feel like she didn't really know me.)
Attentive and curious. These are essential for a submissive partner, since she has to learn to read her dom, and to respond to his needs or goals in any situation where they've agreed she will submit.
Desires and acts on feedback. A dom may wish his girl to adjust her behavior in ways small and large over time. When I offer input, I want to hear, "Got it, thanks for telling me!" However, she may not effect big changes overnight, those usually require practice.
Grateful. I, for one, need to hear that my partner appreciates me, believes in me, feels blessed by my company and all it entails. Such offerings can help assuage occasional "dom's guilt".
Strong emotional boundaries. She's not easily offended or triggered or manipulated. What others may say to her won't knock her off-kilter or lodge in her self-perception. It's important to hold boundaries with family, colleagues, friends, and one's lover. One of the goals of D/s is to dismantle boundaries between dom and sub, but even so a sub needs to recognize it when her dom says something to her that's due to stress or confusion. (See also Emotional Issues in Dom/Sub Relationships.)
Self-esteem. This has been a challenge for many of the women I've dated, both vanilla and kinky, and thus something I've come to expect to help a partner with. But an emotionally healthy girl will have some inkling of her abilities and gifts, even if she has doubts about them in some contexts.
Communicates rationally when under stress. The ability to hold oneself together when stressed out or upset is invaluable. Of course, there are limits to how much duress anyone can withstand before they shut down or lash out.
Loves learning and is addicted to it. A big mind is a huge asset; I'd be bored by a girl who didn't devour new knowledge and share parts of it with me. In doing so, she enriches my understanding of her, the world, and myself.
Enjoys some kind of challenging physical activity. Moving keeps her in touch with her body ? a big part of the brain is devoted to the body after all. The practice could be dance, hiking, running, a gym circuit, ultimate frisbee, yoga, tai chi, gardening; the list is endless. It needn't be mindless exercise for its own sake. Also flexibility and strength are particularly helpful for more intense S&M work. :-)
Awareness of nutrition. This is essential in today's food market, because competition has steadily driven vendors to offer huge portions of addictive foods at bargain prices. A healthy diet is high in lean protein and very low in sweets.
Not preoccupied with consumptive activities. I find that undertaking challenging, creative projects together, whether out in the world or at home, is more bonding than ordinary entertainments like shopping, dining out, traveling, and the theater.
Willing to push back when wise. Any dom needs a reality check from time to time. If he suggests something foolish, or is about to dive into some chasm, he'll benefit if she pipes up.
Doesn't set arbitrary limits. Claiming some kinky thing is a "limit" without reason ? other than "ew!" ? isn't a sign of an open mind. That's not to say that a sub should say yes to something out-there early in the relationship. Intense activities need a strong container, which takes time to build.
Aligned ambitions. Some subs have big life goals for themselves, and so may not be well-matched to doms that wish to be the sub's focus whenever she's awake. Some doms enjoy it when a sub has responsibility and authority at work; they may not be compatible with a sub who's less invested in career progress.
Chemistry. Note that the above characteristics do not create rapport with someone, in and of themselves. Chemistry counts for a lot ? although having it cannot compensate for the lack of must-have features.
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how to know when you stumble on a bad dom
How can you avoid the bad dominants though if you don?t know what to look for? What is it that makes a Dom worthy of your submission? What sets Good Dominants apart from the abusive idiots who desperately try to force that title down your throat?
1.First and foremost, a good Dom has an extraordinary amount of self-control. Sometimes he is so patient that it is infuriating. His job as your Dom is to make sure that you get what you need from him, as well as getting what he needs from you. This leads to the next sign of a Good Dom?
2.A good Dom will understand that even though he is the Dominant, your opinions matter. Your needs matter even more than that. There will be times where he will have to decide which is more important: something you want or something you need and he will have to make that judgement call.
3.A Good Dom always has reasons behind his rules and they make sense. ?Because I want you to? may be what we?re told when we ask why we have to do something, but that?s not always the real reason either. A Good Dom understands that your mental, physical and emotional health is important as well. Those rules about taking your meds and working out? They?re not for his benefit, well not totally anyway;. they?re for your benefit. Making sure you eat well? Another way to make sure you?re healthy. Sometimes this will even mean asking you to be careful what friends you keep up with. ◦For example: I have a friend I enjoy going out with, but she tends to be very needy and the night always winds up turning into a huge bitch fest where she complains about anything and everything and I in turn become very stressed out and depressed. Master Jason has told me on several occasions that he no longer wants me to hang out with her by myself. Recently, this became a private rule between the two of us. If she calls or texts me and asks me to come hang out with her, I am either to make certain there will be other people there too, or I am to set a time limit on our evening. Master Jason has not once told me to end the friendship with her though and I don?t believe he would, he wants me to be able to come to that conclusion on my own if it gets that bad, but he does want to make sure I understand why he doesn?t approve of my hanging out with her for too long and why he considers the friendship to be toxic.
4.A Good Dom understands the importance of Aftercare. It is never ?wham-bam-thank-you-ma?am? with sessions with a Good Dom. Sure, we have quickies, but that?s usually ?just sex?. ◦In a scene a Good Dom knows that you have been brought up and down, to orgasm, through orgasm sometimes denied orgasm and then brought back to it again, over and over and over. In a scene, you are extremely vulnerable. The beauty of a successful scene is that you allow yourself to be vulnerable and allow yourself to trust someone enough to handle you and protect you, care for you, love you, while your defenses are down and the Dom gets off on being trusted with you while you?re in that state of mind.
◦A Good Dom understands that there may be tears, extreme joy and other strong emotions that flow through you for a while after a successful scene (and even more so after an unsuccessful one). Aftercare (usually, but not always, administered by cuddling or snuggling together) allows you to come through those emotions (also known as sub-drop) unscathed.
◦What?s more, is that there is such a thing as Top-Drop ? where the Dominant is also going through strong emotions and he needs to know that you still respect him, are still loyal to him, still want to be with him after he?s made you so very vulnerable and even exploited that vulnerability for his sexual gratification. (And your sexual gratification.)
5.A Good Dom knows that communication is key especially in this lifestyle. He knows that talking things out, discussing and understanding your views, your limits, your fears and your desires is the very core of how you will serve, how he will teach and how well you two will succeed in a relationship together. ◦This takes patience and work. Sometimes a submissive will require more work than the Dom can give her, and in those instances a Good Dom will let her know that they aren?t fully compatible. He doesn?t take on more than he can handle, because he knows that it wouldn?t really be beneficial to anyone if he did that.
◦A Good Dom may also require both of you to go through more painful parts of who you each are. This can be crap you?ve gone through in the past, this could be asking you (telling you) to seek counseling on certain issues, etc. He knows that if you are going to trust him with your vulnerability, he needs to be able to handle it. He also knows that if you can?t trust him with your emotional pain, then he probably shouldn?t trust you with his either. We all have some baggage, but if no one talks about it, then nothing really gets solved and no one learns to grow. Without communication, there will be no growth to your relationship.
6.A Good Dom does not pretend to know everything about you. ◦He is not perfect and neither are you. You will both have to work at the relationship, it?s still a relationship after all. A Good Dom understand that. He can even understand you and sometimes it will feel like he knows you better than you know yourself? but a Good Dom doesn?t claim to fully understand everything there is about you either. This goes back to number five: communication is key. He doesn?t read minds, and you don?t either. He doesn?t always pick up on hints you drop, and you won?t always pick up on hints he drops. It may feel like you each know the other completely, but your both still learning and constantly changing?. if you?re not, you?re in a rut and no one likes hanging out in ruts.. not relationship ruts anyway.
7.A Good Dom will check in on you during a scene. ◦This can be done verbally (and should be done verbally if you two are still getting to know each other). He may ask any variation of the following: ?Are you okay? How are you doing? What color are you at??
◦For couples who have played together longer this can be done simply by watching you react, reading your facial cues, listening to your breathing, etc.
◦A Good Dom may even end a scene before you think you?re ready. ?No, if we keep going I will break skin, or bruise nerves that won?t heal properly? or ?I think you?ve had enough, little one.? You may not enjoy hearing these things but your well being is HIS responsibility and you are his most valued possession. He knows where your limits are (because you?ve talked them out with him already) and he?s making sure that he doesn?t abuse the trust you?ve given him by breaking those limits. If you don?t want to be bruised for days but your pain tolerance is really high due to the endorphins and adrenaline running through you, you may not realize how hard he?s flogging you. A Good Dom is aware of this and will respect the limits you agreed upon before the scene started.
◦Most importantly for this one: if you have a safeword, and you use it, a Good Dom will STOP EVERYTHING, unhook you, untie you, bring you down, figure out what went wrong and how to fix it.
8.A Good Dom respects the safeword. ◦It does not end the relationship (because that would only cause you to fear ever using it). It only ends the scene. There are people who choose not to even have safewords, or think they aren?t needed. Clearly I am not one of these people. If I am bound up in intricate ropes and my arm starts to go numb, I need to be able to say so and quickly. For me, this means calling out my safeword and then explaining why I am using it. ?RED SIR! My arm is numb!? or more frequently ? ?RED SIR!! Cramp! Cramp! CRAMP!! OWWWW?. I workout and I like to change up my workouts frequently. Sometimes I forget to drink extra water even though I find routines that make me sweat more. This causes my body, my muscles, to dehydrate and can quickly cause cramping. In my personal opinion, a Good Dom gives you a way out during a scene specifically for this kind of issue. For me, that?s the use of and respect of my safeword.
9.A Good Dom does not pretend that you are his only option and if you choose to end the relationship, he will not make threats to force you to stay. ◦He may fight for you but not to the point of threatening you. He will let you walk out of his life forever if you want, even if it nearly kills him to do so because once a BDSM relationship is no longer consensual between both partners, it is no longer healthy. If the relationship is not consensual at all times, then it is not something he is interested in being a part of. You CHOOSE to submit to him, and in return, he fills a void that only the Dominant can for a submissive. If he forced you to stay, forced you to submit, literally and physically forced you? then he is abusive and therefore NOT a Good Dom.
10.A Good Dom is honest to the deepest part of his being. ◦Honor, duty, loyalty, trust? these are things that are not only important to him, but things he strives to personify in other areas of his life. He prides himself on always doing the honorable thing, even if it costs him extra time to do so.
◦He requires the same high expectations of you that he does of himself. He will not flat out lie to you or deceive you or trick you into doing anything. He may tease you, he may joke around with you, but he knows where the line is and he stays far away from ever crossing it.
11.A Good Dom is humble. He recognizes his own flaws and will gladly point them out to you time and time again. ◦?I am not perfect, I am far from it.? may be a common saying for him. ?I can?t read minds, I need you to talk to me? is his way of reminding you that he may be good at reading you, but he still needs your permission, your confirmation, your trust and honesty as well.
12.A Good Dom works hard to constantly enrich himself. ◦He seeks out new things, new lessons, new ways of doing things. He looks to learn about you, about new skills he can use (be they in the bedroom or outside of it), for new ways to help others.
◦He knows how easily he could become ?set in his ways? and how simple it would be to stop learning, or claim that all change is bad? so he works hard to avoid that. Choosing to be sedentary in life breeds contempt and
◦Added to this, a Good Dom understands the importance of a well read mind, and the need to exercise it. Volunteering your time, skills or money to those less fortunate than you helps you to enrich your own life, a Good Dom gets that and encourages it. He knows that the lessons the poor can teach us are more valuable than any dollar could ever hope to be worth. He understands that helping others fuels an understanding of compassion, loyalty, honesty, self control, humility, and communication with others.
I know this is a lot of information and it sounds like I may be describing the ?perfect guy? or the ?perfect Dom?. You might be thinking ?Well that person doesn?t exist, so I?ll settle for three of these things and ignore the other nine? this would be a grave mistake. And I mean that literally. To settle for less than what I have listed above can be the difference between life and death. A bad Dom may not kill you, but you may wish he had. Some part of your personality, your heart, your mind, some part of you will surely die a terrible and unnecessary death if you settle for what feels good now instead of waiting for what you need.
Don?t lose hope when you find that there seems to be more of the ?wanna-be? types out there than the good guys. Good Doms do exist. I have seen them, I have spoken to them, I have many friends who submit to them, I have other friends who are Good Doms themselves. The problem is, people are not taking the time to get to know who exactly they?re getting in bed with before they climb in. They rush, worried that if they let this one go, there will never be another person out there for them. They jump into a commitment, beg for that collar and excuse any problems away claiming that they can ?fix that later.? But it is easier to give in to something you?re not comfortable if you?ve already given in before. Allowing someone to use you and manipulate you that way, allowing them to get away with it?it?s not healthy.And by the time you realize your mistakes, you may be too damaged to try again for quite a while.
Master put is this way:
?Remember that BDSM is pretend. It is. We pretend that you?re a slave and I?m the Master, and we like to live that lifestyle, but the only reason it works is because both participants choose to make it work. Out of love. Out of mutual respect. The love and respect is what?s real, the bondage is an illusion. A healthy BDSM relationship is a healthy mixture of fantasy and reality.
Case in point: If you decided you?d had enough, and you didn?t want to be with your master anymore, you could leave. And nothing he said could stop you if that?s what you wanted to do.
And you know what else?
Nobody would hold it against you if you decided to do this. Nobody would say, ?Oh, what a bad sub, leaving her Dom like that.? No. That?s not what the relationship is.?
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What are limits?
As a submissive, one of the first things you will be asked by almost every Dom/me is: what are your limits? You will encounter this sometimes in chat, in play, and when negotiating a relationship with a new Dom/me. If you are playing with a new Dom/me and aren?t asked this question, my advice is not to play with the person. I have heard Dom/mes say that They don?t play with safe words or limits because They know what They are doing. How can a Dom/me know if you have health issues or triggers or are just plain terrified of something unless you tell them? You have the right to protect yourself, whether you are playing SSC (safe, sane, consensual) or RACK (risk aware consensual kink). (Note: There are slaves and submissives who practice ?no limit? in their established relationships. Please check the Submissive Guide for articles on that topic).
So what are limits? A limit is something you do not wish to do, whether by choice or necessity. Limits establish what you will or will not allow for yourself in play or serving, and it could even extend to any interaction with a Dom/me.
There are two types of limits ? hard limits and soft limits. A hard limit is something you will not do under any circumstance. For me that would include scat play, age play, or being turned upside down or spun when tied. Many limits are established by the submissive due to a value ion ? either something that you feel is against your moral code or that you are squicked by (?ewwwwww?). Other limits are due to health ives ? spin me around and I will barf. I promise to aim for my Dom?s shoes if He makes me.
A soft limit is something that at this time you do not think you want to do, but perhaps your Dom/me can convince you. Or it may be something you will only do with a specific Dom/me, or in a specific play situation. For me that might be interrogation. Interrogation squicked me from the beginning, but I have since done a private scene with my Master. It is extreme edge play for me, and not only takes a lot out of me but it has lasting effects, and so it remains a soft limit.
Establishing Limits
How do you establish limits when you are new and don?t know all the possibilities? A potential Dom/me may ask you to fill out a BDSM checklist. There are many checklists online, and several articles in the Submissive Guide to help you get started. I had to fill one of these out when I started with my Dom. I was very very new to the scene, and had an interesting and somewhat shocking meeting with Him while He explained what a lot of the terms meant. There were a lot of activities that I could not figure out why anyone would want to do them. I had no ions, but they were not of interest. Why would anyone want to ?act as a table?? I have since done that in a couple of scenes and both times it ?worked? for the scene. Some activities I definitely wanted to try and some were a definite NO and hard limit.
Whether or not you like or dislike an activity is a matter of personal choice, taste and experience. I was filling out my checklist with someone looking on who did not understand why I would fill in that I liked my hair being pulled. In a vanilla setting hair pulling would be a bad thing, but many Dom/mes use this as a power move. It becomes a sensual thing rather than ?ouch, stop that!? It?s ok if something doesn?t seem to your taste. Explain your fears, ions or dislikes to your Dom/me. Don?t be afraid of remaining open to possibilities, or keeping your hard limits. It?s your journey!
These limits (even the hard limits) do not have to be set in stone. You may decide to review them once in a while as you see interesting scenes at parties, or expand your risk acceptance. Breath play was a hard limit for me in the beginning, partially due to health and partially to fear. I now participate in short sessions with my Master, and it rarely fails to send me into sub space. One form of suspension which was not a limit triggered such a massive panic reaction that it has become a hard limit. Your limits will change as you experience, grow and change.
Communication
You can have limits and still submit to your Dom/me. It is simply a matter of communication. I do not tell my Dom ?No, I won?t allow you to do this?. I tell Him the reasons why that activity is not going to be a good idea for me. Sometimes as a mindfuck He will threaten to do it anyways, but I trust that He will keep my safety in mind. One of His main rules is ?Protect the toy?, and I know by being clear about my limits that I am following His orders. My Master has also pointed out that He likes me to go a ?hair? beyond my limits. He wants to take me out of my comfort zone, and expand my horizons. Your soft limits will often be challenged and influenced by your Dom/me. In a good match, it will seem that you have no limits because your limits are the same as your Dom/me?s. This is a wonderful place to end up as you will be safe to explore a huge range of activities with your Dom/me. |
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I always stress SAFETY!!!
The 40 Red Flags
The following are warnings that a potential Dom may not be all that you think they are. Please be careful if the potential Dom:
1) Tries to separate you from your friends, family or BDSM community.
2) Avoids talking about personal details. Gets mad when you ask or quickly ends the conversation or answers questions with questions.
3) Has no BDSM references or friends you can talk to.
4) Gets angry when you ask for references or ask around about them.
5) Is inconsistent with details about themselves.
6) Does not give you their home and work phone number at the appropriate time.
7) Only communicates with you at strange hours and gets mad if you try to contact them at other times.
8)Criticises the BDSM community and refuses to participate, especially if they never were part of it.
9) Consistently breaks promises.
10) Always finds excuses for not meeting real time.
11) Always puts blame on others for things going wrong.
12) Does not take personal responsibility.
13) Has bad relationships with most or all of their family members.
14) Pressures you into doing things you do not want to do.
15) Does not respect your limits, negotiations or contracts.
16) Pushes you into a D/s relationship too fast.
17) Swears undying love before even meeting you.
18 Hides behind their D/s authority and says that their authority should not be questioned.
19) Tries to make you feel guilty for not being good enough. Says that you are not a ?True? sub.
20) Loses control of their emotions in arguments and regresses to yelling, name calling and blame.
21) Puts you down in front of other people. 22) Turns instantly on their friends, going from best friend to arch enemy at the drop of a hat.
23) Treats you lovingly and respectfully one day and then harshly and accusingly the next.
24) Never says thank you, excuse me or I am sorry to anyone.
25) Lies or withholds information. Cheats on you or is overly jealous.
26) Will not discuss what your possible future relationship could be like.
27) Tries to keep you in the dark about what might happen next in the relationship.
28)Does not respect your feelings, rights, or opinions.
29) Belittles your ideas.
30) Blames you for your hurt feelings.
31) Abuses alcohol or other drugs.
32) Is constantly asking for large amounts of money from you or others.
33) Threatens suicide or other forms of self-harm.
34) Deliberately saying or doing things that result in getting themselves seriously hurt.
35) Wants control of your money or finances and you are not living together.
36) ONLY interacts with you in a kinky or sexual manner as if role- playing.
37) Will not have normal everyday vanilla conversations.
38 Never shows you their human side. Is emotionless. Hides their vulnerability behind their D/s role.
39) Has multiple online identities for interacting within the same communities.
40) Disappears from communication for days or weeks at a time without explanation.
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BDSM Safety: Hard Limits, Soft Limits
What Are Hard Limits, Soft Limits and Why Are They Important?
By definition, a limit is a point at which something terminates. In practical application, a limit can be applied to something like a credit line. If you reach your limit, you can no longer purchase things until you pay your balance below the limit. I can also be applied in a more personal manner, such as setting a limit on how much work you do in one day. Once you hit your limit, you stop for the day, or for whatever period of time you set when you set your limit.
In the BDSM lifestyle, these limits are considered hard and soft limits. Hard limits are limits that you can not change, a restriction that is imposed by an outside factor. Such as having no bloodletting as a limit due to being anemic or having clotting issues. While this may seem like a common sense limit, but it's not because there are people who enjoy play that causes bloodletting. Soft limits, on the other hand are limits that are set by either the Dominant or submissive and can change if necessary.
To most people, there may not be an obvious difference in a hard and soft limit, especially if someone's limits start changing over the course of a relationship. The dominant and submissive can work together, shaping their limits together, eventually melding their soft and hard limits to suit their relationship. But it still remains that there will be things that can not be changed due to outside influences such as allergies or physical limitations. Soft limits are things that can be shaped and changed, such as limiting the amount of physical pain that the submissive will take before the dominant stops.
If a submissive can only tolerate a certain level of pain in the beginning of a relationship, then over time, the limit is pushed a little at a time, slowly raising the tolerance threshold, as well as raising the limit. Or a submissive may set a limit that they won't allow certain things to be used on them, such as a blindfold, because of things that happened in their past. Over the course of a relationship, the dominant can push that limit, slowly accustoming the submissive to having their eyes covered by a hand at first, then slowly work towards using an actual blindfold by using lighter weight materials that don't totally cut off the sight. Eventually, the submissive will let the dominant use the blindfold at will, again shaping their soft limits to their current relationship.
Why are limits important? Without limits, then a dominant has no way of knowing what a submissive doesn't enjoy. They don't know what is acceptable within play, leaving the dominant open to inflicting harm on their submissive when it wasn't intended to be harmful. Without a well defined set of limits, a dominant won't know when to stop a scene, especially if a submissive is deep enough in subspace that they don't know what is going on around them.
Limits are meant to keep a submissive safe, to give a dominant a defined stopping point, to keep both parties safe from going too far. They are meant to keep BDSM from becoming abuse, or worse. They keep BDSM from resulting in major mental or physical harm. |
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A Learning Time In The BDSM Lifestyle: A Master's love & a sub's trust
A Master's love for his sub runs deep, and is earned and gives with A/all his heart. He earns the trust of the person becoming his sub. T/they grow T/together in a relationship that will take T/them into a lifestyle where T/they work to please the other. This process starts with a courting time period where the Master and the prospective sub get to know each O/other and learn about each other. The time frame is as long as T/they wish it to be which is for as long as they are T/together in the relationship. Once the trust of the sub has been given to the Master freely, then they progress into the relationship. Learning what the others limits are and T/their wants, needs, and desires.
Then in time those limits and desires are pushed slowly and gently. Some Master's may push harder than others but get the same results in time. The Master works with the sub shaping him/her to becoming a good submissive. It takes time and does not happen overnight like some would like to believe. It could take weeks or months depending on how much T/they want to get into the lifestyle of BDSM, (Bondage & Discipline/ Sadomasochism). Some will come into this lifestyle and use some of the techniques just to spice up their sexual lifestyle. While O/others will make a lifestyle out of it, and embrace it and learn more about the BDSM lifestyle so few talk about.
As a Master you can learn from other Master's that have been in the lifestyle and know things that will either help guide you or things you can use or just chalk up as comments. Some things that you can learn as a Master from your sub is what he/she is into and is willing to do by doing a BDSM partner checklist. The checklist will help you both in finding what the other is willing to learn and do. The time you both spend learning T/together and being honest and open with each O/other will greatly enhance your relationship.
As a Master I am constantly learning with my submissive. W/we have an open and honest relationship and it grows with each passing day. As it can happen to those new to the lifestyle and that want to learn and grow in something new. In time the relationship will grow and you B/both will become closer and you will learn new things and grow T/together. It is a challenge to B/both of you to push each O/other's limits and test each O/other on different ideas and things that you both want to do and learn.
Once the trust has been developed and grows then the relationship will progress and you will be able to do different things. The main thing to remember is that BDSM is to be safe, sane and consensual between both parties. Having a safe word helps and also having negotiations also helps with the learning process. A submissive is a person and not a doormat to walk on. T/they are human and should be treated as such. Submission to a Master is a gift and given freely. IT is earned and respected by the Master/Top.
Some confuse a Top/DOM when talking about the BDSM lifestyle. They think the two are the same when in truth the two are very different. A Top is someone who is an active partner in a scene, or someone who enjoys the dominant role in a S/M scene. A DOM is someone who has been given control and who has earned the trust and respect of his submissive. He has taken the time to learn about what the sub missive's limits are and how far he can push them.
The DOM is also a person who the submissive lets into their mind and push their buttons to see what limits can be pushed. But being either a DOM/Top it must be safe, sane and consensual so that neither person involved gets hurt. That is the main thing in the lifestyle that people need to think about, Am I a Top? Or a DOM? Sometimes people mix the two or think that one is the other.
Speaking on safety in the BDSM lifestyle it is always a good idea to have a safe word. A safe word is a word the submissive says when things get to a point he/she is not comfortable with. The safe word can be anything from (someone's name, to some color,) or something that will stop the action and that has been agreed upon by both parties in advance. So please use a safe word when involved in a scene or whatever is going on at the time.
Most times in a BDSM relationship a contract is written up between the DOM and submissive. This contract lays out the groundwork for the relationship and what is expected from the DOM and submissive. Some are basic and simple and then some get really in-depth and specific as to what the submissive will do for the DOM. The DOM usually writes up the contract on things that are important to the relationship and that the DOM and submissive have talked about and agree on.
Everything that I have been writing about are the things I have learned in my experience in BDSM. I am still learning to this day as a Master and growing with my submissive. I am very happy with my submissive and love and care for her very much. In time things will grow and will progress as W/we try different things and push our limits. This short writing is about things I have learned and want to pass onto O/others that would want to try the BDSM lifestyle for either heightened sexual pleasure or they want to incorporate into their lives in some way.
In conclusion to this writing, I would wish you A/all a very healthy and fun time in whichever part of the lifestyle you get into and pursue. Be safe, sane, and consensual in the decision you decide. The lifestyle is not for everyone and you may just use some of it to spice up your sexual activity. Always keep love and trust and respect foremost in A/all your hearts and minds. Be Well and Safe. |
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TRUST
First thing I want to say about trust is this. Trust comes from your self. No one can make you trust them. We trust others to the extent that we trust ourselves... trust ourselves to make good decisions, to read the other person right. When trust is broken or betrayed, you might feel that it has been so damaged you can never trust again...this happens when a person no longer feels sie can trust hirself to judge others' trustworthiness correctly. That is a difficult place to be in. It destroys D/s and relationships and hobbles one's ability to relate to others.
I think there are some ways we can approach trust, though, that make it a more manageable thing. One big tactic is this: listen to your heart. Use what I call "the heart monitor" - that twinge, that feeling that something is amiss - (or a-right). You already come wired with intuition and sensitivies that let you judge the trustworthiness of others, on many levels. It is vital that we develop the skill to listen to ourselves. To listen to our intuition - which is perhaps an energy-based thing, or according to some studies is the reading of 1001 subliminal clues about what messages a person is really sending. However you regard it, it is possible to use your intuition to help create a foundation of trust - i.e. to decide if it is safe to trust someone.
Remember that intuition is not a predictive tool: it is a read in the moment. It is real-time. If you read someone as trustworthy and later they betrayed your trust, I would ask you this: did you check back in on your intuitive read frequently? Or did you scan them once and file that impression away as "the way they are"? If you did the latter, it is easy to miss red flags. Red flags come up frequently in relationships - that heart twinge thing I mentioned. It is absolutely vital that you pay attention to this danger signal. Not the 100th time it happens, but the very first. It is your Self urging your self to notice something that needs to be addressed. If you want to maintain trust you need to address the discordant event that caused your heart to twinge like that.
That is where your communication skills come in. "I have an issue I'd like to discuss..." then you sit and talk about it. This not only keeps your relationship clean, it enables you to kill all the little monsters that otherwise will grow into great large unmanageable monsters that will eat your relationship.
Trust starts with yourself...but there is also this big question: is the person you want to trust, trustworthy? Do they demonstrate that they are worthy of your trust? You want to invest trust where it is worthwhile to do so, of course. There are certain things to look for that help you determine if
someone is worthy of your trust. One big one is: integrity. Integrity comes from the word integral. "Of a whole; of one piece". Is the person someone who is of one piece? Are their actions consonant with their words?
Do they say what they mean and mean what they say? When actions match words and intentions are clear, there is integrity in behavior. Life interferes with all of our plans, at times; maybe someone says they will call and then they don't. Once or twice may be understandable - but if there is a pattern of repetitive behaviors that lack integrity (or reliability)...that is a red flag.
Another point is reliability: can you count on someone? Can I count on you to show up for a play party date? Can I count on you to play hard with me and help me get put back together when I'm a snotball crying in the corner, at the end of it all? Will you do what you say you will do, when all is said and done, and can I rely on that? Reliability is closely related to integrity, as you can see.
Honesty is another biggie. Is the person truthful with you? Do they obfuscate, omit or lie in matters big or small? If someone has a difficult time conveying the truth to you there may be many reasons that is so....but in the end, the result is that you will not know if you can trust their word. This not only undermines trust, it makes it very hard to place trust and stay trusting of someone who tells you untruths.
I mediated a dispute between a Master and his slave last year. He was busy insisting he treated his slave with honor, that he was an honorable man. Her problem, however, was that he lied to her about his sexual partnerships, and he continually broke his word. When they fell apart he was baffled: he had treated her honorably (he thought). He never saw that unreliability, lack of integrity, and untruthfulness destroyed the basis of trust the slave needed to be in relationship. When judging trustworthiness it is important to be aware of those elements.
Try an exercise in empathy and turn the mirror around as well. Ask yourself: am I behaving in ways that are trustworthy to my partner? Try to see your actions through your partners' eyes. This is not an ultimate answer (we all have our filters, of course) but it can be a useful reality check. Also ask: is my partner willing to trust? Or withholding trust? Because that comes from within, you cannot "make" your partner trust you. They must find their way to that place of trust themselves - aided by your trustworthiness.
Now here's a Stupid Human Trick I will caution you against : Blind Trust. Don't go there. Subs seem to be wired to be readily vulnerable, and often want to be vulnerable and trusting. We too often give trust where it is not warranted! We hastily decide to trust someone we don't know anything about, or at least have not seen their trustworthiness demonstrated. Later, when things fall apart we feel our trust was betrayed. But why was it betrayed? Could it be we made a poor choice about whom to trust and how far to trust them? It is often so.
I want to distinguish first between submission and surrender.
Submission=at some level a rational choice to bow to the will of another.
When we are doing D/s, we want to trust our partner, and we need to feel safe with someone in order to submit and surrender. In the matter of safety, we end up asking ourselves two key questions:
1. Can I trust you not to harm me? If I am open and share my heart, can I trust that you will not belittle me, hurt me, kick my teeth in, in consequence? We hope the answer is "yes", of course. If so, then you can feel safe with your partner and relax internal defenses in their presence. The second, closely related question is this:
2. Can I trust you to keep me safe? In D/s we are very resonant with the energy of protective authority figure watching out for the well being of the vulnerable submissive figure. Although it is also true that subs safeguard the emotional well being of their doms as well (or do in a healthy relationship) - the "nurture/safe/caretaking/protective" energy is often directed a little more towards the submissive. In either case, when we ask "can I trust you to keep me safe"? - I am referring here primarily to emotional safety. This means, simply, "will you safeguard my emotional well being?" This is a proactive stance, more engaged on behalf of the partner than the prior reassurance that no harm will be done. Once we know we won't be hurt, the next step is to know we will be safe.
Physical safety is also included in this, but whether or not we are physically safe is easily judged. Easy to see if the dom is tying loose knots or flogging unsafely, etc. Or acting out abusively (physical abuse, that is). It is a finer line, to judge emotional safety, but a place we must learn to become conscious. Note also: I am not talking about coddling or catering to subs in order to "make" them feel safe in some kind of artificial environment. Rather I am talking about respecting and honoring authentic connection with your partner, and caring for their heart, no matter what side of the whip you are on.
There is a great synergy between trust and safety. One feeds off the other. First you trust a little and feel a little safe; when you feel safe, it is easier to trust; the more you trust, the more you let your walls down and discover (hopefully) that it is safe to keep those walls down. We become tremendously close and interconnected in this way. The reverse is also true: get hurt, trust less. Trust can be erroded by diminishing the feeling of safety until there simply is no more of either left.
Important note, here: safety is not equivalent to vulnerability. It is easy to make someone feel vulnerable, especially if there is aggressive domination happening that strips defenses and flattens walls. It is easy for a sub to mistake feeling wide open (vulnerable) with feeling safe. Subs are often very invested in being vulnerable to their dominants, and so come pre-wired wanting to feel safe enough to be vulnerable. It's easy to confuse the two.
Here is a second Stupid Human Trick I caution against: Blind vulnerability. Going to that space in faith that one is safe. Knowing if you are safe or not requires an exercise of judgment. When things blow up we say, "I thought I could trust you! I thought I was safe with you!" - "thought" being the key word here. At some point we run those emotions through the rational brain filter and come to conclusions about how safe we are (or aren't)
One aspect of self that plays a role in this in a subpersonality we all have that is called the Protector Persona. (There are entire schools of psychotherapy built around work with subpersonalities, but for now I just offer this as a useful paradigm for this discussion). Your Protector keeps you safe. Its the part in your head saying, "Is it wise to do that?" or "No way I'm gonna let that happen to me!" Our Protector personas are engaged almost constantly. That element is also closely linked to the internalized parent that we all have - and therein lies a major issue on the road to submission and surrender.
Surrender is a more ego-disengaged state of "giving it up".
Surrender enables the sub to go just about anywhere the dom wants to take hir. It is essential that the Protector persona become disengaged, in order to permit surrender to happen. A lot of people struggle with their submission for many reasons. But at the heart of a lot of the struggle is this voice (Protector) that insists that on some level it is not safe to surrender. I'll be at risk. I may be hurt. I fear xyz will happen.... You simply cannot achieve surrender, when your ego is at cross-purposes with you like that.
Now here is how trust and safety work to effect surrender: When you trust enough that you can truly feel safe, and a safe atmosphere prevails between dom and sub, then you have cleared the landscape as much as possible to allow the submissive to disengage the Protector persona. When the Protector stands down, surrender can occur. Ultimately the act of surrender, of giving it up completely to the dominant, is something only the submissive can do for hirself. But the path there can be eased and enabled, by establishing the maximum amount of trust and safety. This enables the sub to get out of hir own way, and "go there". That, essentially, is why it is so hugely important to establish trust and nurture safety. Then compliance and submission become easier and surrender becomes possible in D/s relationships.
S. asks: The protector persona.. how does one work on getting comfortable in turning it off? I mean... how do I say.. I know it's something one has to work on with themselves, but are there steps to help? (like when people do relaxation techniques) for flying or something.
Good question. There are self-dialog techniques that are useful. In the end, though, the Protector won't shut down as long as there are big issues (or even small niggles) that prod you about being unsafe. So the best way to deal is to face your insecurities and fears squarely, and come to resolution about them. And yes, this requires some serious self-work. The pay-off is great, though. |
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How To Survive A Breakup In A BDSM Relationship
THE BREAKUP
Submissives in the throes of a breakup with their dominant often ask me if I think the pain of relationship breakup is different from ?vanilla? relationship breakups and how they can make sense of the feelings of horrific loss, confusion, anger and disorientation that they feel.
First of all, I think the dynamics of Ds relationships are very different from ?vanilla? relationships. Different dynamics give rise to different feelings about relationship loss.
For the submissive individual, the bond of relationship is everything. Being a bottom offers fulfillment by enabling the submissive to feel merged with another human being. The bond to the dom is an intense one, giving meaning, value, fulfillment and a sense of identity through the activities of serving and pleasing. For some dominants, however, an intimate bond is harder to achieve, as he/she sometimes treats the partner almost as a nonentity. A slave, after all, is a nonexistent person to the dom in whose eyes the sub may have less and less to offer. As a result, the dom often loses interest quickly and consequently tends to want to change partners more frequently to achieve the conquest of having a new slave (who sometimes is more of an than a person).
After all, it is control and admiration that motivates many doms, rather than commitment to growth, exploration and stability in one relationship.
Being a submissive often involves a certain disavowal of self. The self ceases to be a decision-maker or a person capable of exerting initiative while in the relationship. Moreover, the normal identity of the individual is suspended in the process of serving the dominant. Being submissive helps a person to make sense of his life in certain ways: it answers the need for purpose in life, and for a sense of efficacy or feeling that one does have control over one?s environment (through pleasing the dominant). The Ds relationship also addresses the bottom?s need for feeling that one?s life and actions are right and good. The dom?s will is an end in itself, an ultimate value for her/his slave.
The submissive also receives a sense of self-worth from his/her relationship to her master/mistress. People need to feel that they are important and valuable. Serving is a way of receiving validation and approval by one who is seen as perfect and omnipotent. And when the one who is seen as perfect deems the submissive as unworthy, the emotional result can be devastating.
The break up thus deprives the submissive of the opportunity for feeling competent; undermines the individual?s self worth achieved through being a good slave to an esteemed master; and reestablishes the submissive?s (often unwanted) necessity of making choices and taking responsibility from which he/she was sheltered while in the relationship. Now, suddenly, difficult judgments about what is right or wrong to do must be made on one?s own. The wishes and commands of the dominant partner have been the ultimate source of rightness and goodness for the masochist?s feelings. The demands to make decisions, to accept responsibility, to cope with pressure and crises, to prove of identity is shaken by the breakup of a B&D relationship. For the submissive, the correct course of action had always been to please, satisfy and obey the dominant partner. The relationship to the dominant partner thus had taken over as the major value base for the submissive.
Relationship is extremely important to submissives; more so than to their dominant partners, and even more important than sexual activities. All problems of right and wrong had been resolved for the submissive and the anxiety and guilt and doubt that accompany such moral dilemmas had been removed. The submissive needed only submit and obey in delightful dependence.
Finally, the submissive gains a powerful and seemingly viable model of fulfillment in the relationship. The submissive achieves the utmost in intimacy by blending him or herself completely with the partner?s will. The submissive also derives strong sexual satisfactions. Thus sexually, emotionally, and spiritually, submission provides intense fulfillment.
What happens when the relationship is over? When the dom leaves, the ultimate source of direction, feelings of competency, self-worth and meaning is gone. The result can be psychologically devastating. Especially when it is not her/his choice, the submissive feels frightened, angry, confused, depressed and overwhelmed.
THE GRIEVING PERIOD
Dealing with relationship break-up is dealing with a phenomenon that is a part of our common human heritage: loss. Especially if the relationship was long-term and sometimes even when it wasn?t, the same mechanisms of mourning over that which is lost kick into place. You may mourn the loss of your companion, your lover, your protector, your provider. You may mourn no longer being a part of a pair. And if your life has been lived entirely through your dominant, and the person through whom you lived is no longer there, you may mourn the shattering loss of a whole way of life. Some submissives may mourn the loss of the purpose of their existence. And some, whose sense of self was built upon the dom?s approving, validating presence, may find that they are also mourning the loss of that self.
Knowing what to expect in the mourning process may be helpful in knowing that what you?re experiencing is what most people go through when they lose someone they love. Knowing that others have gone through it is to know that you?re not alone.
How we mourn will depend on our inner strengths and our outer supports and will surely depend on our prior history of love and loss. Often a relationship loss in the present kicks off feelings of unresolved prior losses. Sometimes the loss of someone we love revives our childhood fears of abandonment, the ancient anguish of being little and left. Submissives, especially, who have always related to the dominant as a parental authority figure, are often flooded with intense feelings of fear, rage and abandonment that are residues from childhood traumas..
Generally, the stages of grief are: denial, anger, guilt, acceptance and adaptation. Some disbelief, some denial is a common first reaction. Especially if you didn?t see the breakup coming, you may feel like you?re in a numbed out state, unable to comprehend what you?re hearing. You may spend some time thinking he/she doesn?t/couldn?t mean it, or thinking they?ll come to their senses sooner or later. As the reality sets in, anger is a common next reaction. You hate him or her for abandoning you, especially after you?ve invested so much of yourself in serving and pleasing . Somehow, in your mind, pleasing them perfectly would ensure that they would always protect and guide you. Now they?ve betrayed the bond. You feel vulnerable, betrayed, enraged.
Often, guilt and self-recrimination take over. The dom, the ultimate source of good judgement, knowledge and power, must have made the right decision. You feel you must be unworthy. So, of course, you blame yourself. What did I do to drive them away? Could I have been a better slave? Did I not please them? Am I unworthy of their attention? Did they leave for another slave? How is that person able to please where I was not? These feelings are a normal part of this type of relationship mourning.
But, as there is an end to the relationship, there is also an end to the grieving of the relationship. You move your way from shock, denial, anger, and guilt to the completion of the mourning. And although there still will be times when you miss your master/mistress, completion means recovery, acceptance and adaptation.
You?ll recover your stability, your energy, your hopefulness, your capacity to enjoy life and to invest in other relationships. You?ll accept that the relationship is over - and be a wholer and wiser person for it.
HELP FOR HEALING
If the process of recovering from the loss of your master/mistress seems too awful to contemplate, I?ve included some tips to recovering from the loss of a love to make the journey a bit smoother.
The tendency will be to blame yourself, because, after all, the dom is always right. Resist the temptation. Doms may need new models for all sorts of their own reasons which my include, believe it or not, their own shortcomings. So be very gentle with yourself - kind, forgiving, tender. Accept that you have an emotional wound, that it is debilitating, and that it will take a while before you are completely well. And for heaven?s sake, don?t blame yourself for any ?mistakes? (real or imagined) that you think brought you this loss.
Get lots of rest, eat well, exercise, remember to take deep breaths, meditate, under-indulge in addictive substances (they retard the mourning process).
Go to your support group (or discover one) and get lots of comfort from people who have gone through similar scenes. People who have survived similar losses can provide support and guidance - and are proof that you too will survive. Stay close to friends and family. Get lots of hugs. Don?t forget to laugh. The telephone is a great tool for support. Use it.
The longing to serve may be overwhelming. Don?t make the mistake of getting into another situation until you have completed this grieving process. The result could be ?rebound? and you won?t be making solid decisions. You don?t want to create more pain for yourself. Make sure that you?re next relationship isn?t a reaction from the former one.
Expect to feel afraid. You?ve been abandoned. The bond, the tie that held you together has been disrupted. You will fear being alone, fear that you?ll never have someone to serve again, fear the pain, the desolation and torment that may lie ahead. But remember, fear can help you meet the challenges of life - and it will pass.
Embrace your feelings - its OK to feel depressed, suicidal (feel, not act), angry, guilty, desperate, alone, homicidal. There feelings are a natural part of the healing process. They mean you?ve loved. And again, they will pass.
When you can, forgive your dom. Don?t do it for him/her. Do it for your own peace of mind and the quality of your future relationships.
And finally, begin anew. Let go of the loss and the pain, know that you are a stronger person, have the courage to begin relating again, and know that you are a better person for having loved.
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One of the common misconceptions that causes havoc at times in the kink community is that ?BDSM, sex and/or love automatically go together?. That statement rings true for a lot of people, but it?s not true for everyone and it?s important not to make the assumption that if this is or is not how it works for you, it?s the same for the people you?re playing with, whether it?s S/m, D/s, a scene, an ongoing dating thing, or sexy sex sex.
For many of us, BDSM is the richest and most satisfying (and also the most challenging, scary-vulnerable and demanding) when it?s combined with a romantic, loving, sexy relationship. I?ve said in other places that I sometimes play with people in educational, party or private settings, people that, for whatever reason, are not romantic relationship or intimate relationship possibilities. Some of it is service Topping, some of it is just fun with friends. I enjoy it for a variety of reasons, but there?s no doubt that the most powerful (and most challenging, scary-vulnerable and demanding) experience I?ve had with BDSM has been in intimate, ongoing, loving relationships.
I?ve heard people say, ?I don?t understand why anyone would want to play one time with someone or with someone they aren?t in love with or in public, at a party or?? I understand where the question is coming from, I do. Again, you can find posts here on Dominant Guide that give my reasons for why someone would want to do that, but it?s okay if you don?t get it. Just know that some of us do and some of us don?t, ask questions if you?re curious, but please don?t trash someone who enjoys playing in more casual settings by labeling them as shallow or slutty or?whatever label is currently the favorite for making me feel better than you, like my kink style is pure, angelic, holy sacrament and someone else?s is trashy trash trash.
I like to make the analogy with food: Food is good. At the most basic level, our bodies need food to function. Food can also be very pleasurable, providing us with a variety of taste experiences from adventurous, to rich, to decadent, to super wholesome, whatever. For most of us, a meal prepared with, by or for someone we love dearly and are bonded/bonding with, a meal that we set aside special time for with the intent to connect intimately, a table set with candles, music in the background, conversation and deep eye gazing, footsy or crotch fondling under the table, romantic words and gestures, a meal we take our time over, savoring as a shared experience with a lover or partner- that meal will not only feed our bellies and the machine that is our skin suit, but it will feed our hearts, souls, minds as well as our connection with our Beloved. That meal is a powerful experience.
But sometimes we don?t have time for that and we still want to eat. Sometimes we?re super busy and we grab a burrito as we?re heading out the door. Sometimes we just want some comfort and Mac n Cheese with a good book sounds good. Sometimes there?s no one in our lives that we?re intimate with in that way, but we still want a creative, shared meal experience with someone we like, someone who?s fun or kind or interesting. It?s all food. It?s all good. We need it, we like it for different reasons at different times. We might enjoy some meals more than others, some might be more on a ?soul food? level, but it?s okay if every meal isn?t a life changing, storybook act of communion.
If you want to swear off fast food, that?s great for you. But if someone else wants to indulge in it occasionally or everyday, that?s their choice. We don?t know the ?whys? behind their choice and it doesn?t really matter. Yay free will!
Besides the judgments we have about the way others conduct their kink, love, sex and play lives, we get into trouble because, often without realizing it, we?re making assumptions about ?how it works?, always, all the time, for everyone. Just because engaging in a BDSM scene is foreplay for me, doesn?t mean it?s automatically foreplay for someone else. Just because BDSM play leads to sex with a play partner, doesn?t mean it?s the beginning of a love relationship. Like everything else we do here, we need to be on the lookout for our assumptions and make sure we communicate how it works for us, ask someone else how it works for them, make sure we?re on the same page or at least as clear as can be on where all parties stand in terms of expectations, needs and hard limits. It won?t keep us from ever experiencing let down or heart break, but it?ll minimize the occurrences based on sheer misunderstanding quite a bit.
Someone wrote to me on cently who was brand new to the BDSM community, very interested in play, but not interested in sex as part of that play. He?d had a few conversations with people about playing and been told that BDSM play meant having sex too. He was discouraged, thinking that it wasn?t going to be an option for him to do some S/m, D/s play without having sex, which for him was kind of sacred ground and someplace he didn?t go lightly, with just anyone. I was able to assure him that sex wasn?t automatically included in BDSM play, that he just needed to keep talking with people until he found someone who was willing to play with him without the expectation of sex.
The problem I had with the whole thing was not that someone would say to him, ?Sure- I?m interested in playing with you, but you should know that for me, BDSM play includes sex or I?m not interested?. My problem is that, according to him, at least two people had said, ?Look, if you want to do BDSM play, that means having sex. That?s just the way it is.? This is wrong, period. Saying, ?I only like to play with people I?m going to have sex with or with whom sex is an option? is fine. Telling someone that that?s the way it is for everyone is not. Make sense?
If you are someone for who sex and love, or play and love, or play and sex, or all three elements need to go together, that?s a good thing to know about yourself and to tell prospective dates or play partners. If you?re a perspective play partner who knows that you?re not likely to fall in love with someone and they?ve told you they?re quite likely to fall in love with you if you play together (or have sex or whatever), then maybe you need to proceed with caution before you play with that person. This is another area where we can look for compatibility of spirit, heart, values before we proceed into realms that might involve deeper intimacy.
We can do this with respect for our differences. It?s okay if someone?s a superslut, play-fiend, who can play, have sex with, and/or love a lot of people and enjoy it. But if that?s not how I work in particular, then I need to respect my own inner workings as well as theirs and approach deeper intimacies with caution or the gap in our needs and leanings is likely to cause someone pain (not the ?good? kind).
Bottom line is (I know I say this a lot, but only because it?s true), we get to make this up in the way that suits us. Other than some basic rules about good ethics, like honesty and respect, there?s no right way. That may seem like it makes for more confusion, but let me turn you onto a truth you may or may not already know: the confusion is there anyway, whether people talk about it or not. Most of us spend a lot of our lives fumbling around, thinking everyone else somehow knows what they?re doing and we?re the only ones who?re lost, so we?d better keep putting on the ?I got this; I know what I?m doing? face and not let anyone find us out. BDSM provides us with a way to explore ourselves and others in a conscious way, communicate what we learn with each other in a respectful way as we negotiate- aware of our desires, needs, limits and where we can compromise- and create a shared experience that works for all involved as much as possible. Then we communicate about it some more, because there?s always more to learn and us humans, we keep changing.
BDSM does not equal sex does not equal play- not automatically, not for everyone. The right combo of these three elements is going to be different for different people, with different partners, in different situations, at different times.
If you?re a new Dominant (or anyone new to kink in all its beauteous forms!), don?t assume playing with someone is going to get you laid or married. If that?s what you need, that?s great! But be up front about it and respect it if someone tells you they don?t work that way, no matter how badly you want to get your crop on them. If you?re at a point where you just want to play, experience a lot of different things, not settle down with a submissive and live whappily ever after, that?s fine too. Just do your best to figure out what you?re looking for, what works for you, be upfront about where you?re at, including if you?re not sure, and inquire about, be respectful of what others need and want as well. Try to tease out your assumptions and get past them as much as possible. This is an ongoing job and well worth the work. |
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| Age: 44 |
| Iloilo,
Philippines |
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