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Well I fucked up. after 7 months of being sober I drank yesterday. Conviently "forgot" to take my anti-buse for a couple days and spent my day off yesterday drinking. Felt so guilty I did not even enjoy it. Took my anti-buse first thing this morning and will go to a meeting before work today. Damn I am so angry with myself. Things are going well for me, why would I do that to myself and those that trust me. What the fuck is it with me. Why, when all is so well do I do this. Am I afraid of success and happiness? Am I just a puke who does not deserve to be proud of himself.
I am making new friends and want to be a person they can trust and count on. How the fuck can I be a true friend to them when I am not being true to myself. fuck,fuck, fuck.
well yesterday is gone. I will try to stop beating myself and find a reason tombe happy for toady. It is realy all I have. Just today. |
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day has started well and promises to be fun if not warm. had a great conversation this morning and may have been of help to a friend. That always brightens my mood. Day off but have to put up some dry wall in the upstairs bedroom. trying to insulate and keep warm. Getting my haircut toady and shaved downstairs next week. Like doing it myself but am sharing the experiance with a friend so worth the wait. I do so very much thank this site for being here. I am just a small voice echoing thru a large forrest but feel safe and comfortable here. No need to click my heels and ask to go home, fuck Kansas, i am liking Oz, even if I have not found my wicked witch or warlock yet. having fun withthe munchkins and just follwing the yellow brick road. |
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It is a cold and lonely day but i have work to fill some time with. I am in a down mood but think it is just the weather. I am so unsure of things right now but every day seems to show me more and open a door or leak in some tidbit of info that makes me hopeful or happy. I just need to learn some patiance. have a new lady moving into the house. that will be four of us now and am wondering if i am making good choices. It is nice to be getting to know so many people here but i am feeling cramped. This new girl is 18 and a drop dead beauty but if fighting with family and needs to get away from them. Just hope her problems do not follow her. love keeping a journal here as I have never been able to get myself to do it on paper. |
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well i still have no clue who I am. But I know I aam not happy with who I have been. I guess i am trying too hard. Things will come as they are meant to. I find a little hope and jump to quickly. I find a little tear and dry it to soon. I laugh at the wrong time and smile when it hurts. What is going on?
I am sober and should be happy. i am searching and should be gratified with the journy, not the destination. I am still selfish but soo willing to give. A paradox, a parasite, a pair of aces. A single thread, a tapastry. What is it, where is it, why is it not. I am so confused, frustrated and lost. I am on top of the world but at the bottom of the food chain. I want to love but am i willing to be loved. SET ME FREE, bind me up and let me go. |
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Today is just a vision
tomorrow a day away
yesterday a memory
of the games that people play
There can be no future
without relics of the past
we sail upon our stormy seas
likes a ship without a mast
No faith in our relegions
no ancient idols to behold
no way to heal the seething wounds
of the lies that we've been told
Loves we can't hold onto
dreams never realized
hope lies shattered at our feet
all our fantasies denied
How did we get so jaded
so cynical, so mean
our sunshines never golden
our pastures never green
Can't seem to find the answers
so we stop asking why
no one hears our tortured screams
or sees the tears we cry
Our souls cry out into the void
and echo back our pain
the seeds of hope we planted
washed away by angry rain
Yet somehow we're not concoured
we carry on our fight
waiting for the sun to rise
and end this moonless night
So let tomorrow come or not
let yesterday fade away
And try to find the beauty
In the vision of today.
DKB II
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Well hell. Damn dog just had to go and trip me up while we were running this morning and had to work all day with a VERY deep bruise in my shoulder. I broke my word and had sex with my roomate last night. Was supposed to stay away from that kinda stuff but am a sexually driven man and saw no real chances to become what I am trying to become in the near future so did it anyway. It was kinda scary, she started crying after she came and I did not understand that. Although she did tell me that if I had never been paid for making love before i should be. I liked that. I am very caring, patient and attentive as a lover and it made me feel good to know that i had pleased her. I will try to be a good boy from now on but cannot promise just myself. Waiting for the person or couple who desire and will receive that promise. |
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Great day today. LOVED work and got a chance to do much around the new place. I heard from a < I guess the term is Vanilla lady that i have been having a great time with. She has recently divorced after 27 years with the same guy who was not much into experimentation in the bed room. I turned her on to a couple things and now she has become a monster.
She has woken up and wants to try out several different things and has decided I should be her test pilot so to speak. It looks as if we will both learn from each other. She wants to run things and I want to ran so it should be a neat road to discovery for us both but I do not think she is ready to be what I need right now.
Who knows though. She may become while I un-become. Life is funny that way. |
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It's now saturday and i still have not masturbated, Going loco. Loving the new job and feeling good. I have not heard back from that cpl and am wodering if it just to fuck with me or if I shoud resume my search. Oh wewll, Life finds a way. |
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Been talking to a cpl that may let me be thier slave. Excited, nervous and horny as heel. Told me I could no longer masturbate on top of it all. Start a new Job today at a better kitchen and am very happy. Still have yet to serve anyone but am hoping.
gonna miss the chat room tonight,I have been learning alot there. |
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I am a passionate , good looking man who has never been a submissive/slave but feel it is a part of me that needs to be explored. If you are an experienced master,male, female or couple, please help me find the part of me that want's to serve you. 