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Poor Poor Pitiful Me...
That is my mantra for today. That move that I thought would be life changing has now fallen apart because the landlord does not want to rent to me because my mother would have to co-sign the lease because I have bad credit.
Lots of "becauses"....sigh...
I just feel so helpless and lost with all this...yes, I did it to myself and yes, I still have a roof over my head but how can I get anyone, including my current boyfriend, to understand the significance of my thinking that my world was finally going to become stable and all of a sudden...POOF! the stability rug is just yanked from underneath you and you find yourself square on your ass with no one to rub away the sting?
Poor Poor Pitiful Me...
I need someone just to put their arms around me and say " There, There" and kiss me on my lips and give me the pain that I need to get over the pain I am feeling...
Instead I sit in my living room, full of boxes already packed, and my eyes are brimming with tears with the realization that once again I live on a set of wheels and I am still not home....
Poor Poor Pitiful Me
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Changes are in the air...
I am working on moving from a " house on wheels" to one that is not so moveable.
This is significant.
Why? A long time ago a psychic ( yes, hold your comments) told me that until I live in a house with no wheels I will never get the stability and permenance that I have been lacking in all my transient relationships thus far.
I am so tired of transient relationships. I want someone to keep me as close to them as they can and never let me go.
I want to serve a man without reservation and without excuse. I want to be as much a part of my life as they are of mine. I want to unabashedly hand over the power I have over my life and place it gently a little bit of a time in their hands.
I want a man to sit on me when I need to be sat on and shut me up when I talk out of turn.
I need that level of control. I need that level of stability. I need to live in house without wheels and start to learn how to stand still. |
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Things are better but still hard to bear at times.
Like now...
I have a certain set of memories tied into July 4th so it tends to be a hard time for me emotionally. I feel really alone this year so it is a bit harder.
There is something etheral about watching fireworks cradled in the arms of someone that you love.
I wish I could be doing that right now.
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How do i tell him that i have given up waiting for phone calls that never come, looking forward going to places that he will never have time to visit, and spending time with me that he will never have opportunity to spend?
How do i tell him that his words are not matching his actions and that i am drifting away?
How do i tell him that i am worth more then stolen moments in time?
How do i tell him these things and keep from breaking my heart? |
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I breathe you......although it is next to impossible for me to actually tell you that...I breathe you. I have never breathed anyone, ever.....and I don't think I ever will again. It is not something one can do with non-chalance; it requires a connection with someone so deep it is impossible to see where it ends...
I flow into you and you flow into me...every sappy love song and romance novel is jealous of that connection...
I need you....I need to breathe again..
What would you say if I wrote this to you? How would it make you feel? I worry sometimes that what I write about how I feel is much too overwhelming for most men to understand let alone embrace.
I must wonder however why the man that I wrote this about has not thought to check where we leave messages for our eyes only in over a month.
If you knew thay we had a place to write these things to each other and that I tend to express myself with the written word much better then with conversations would you bother to check to see what I am writing? |
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Yes, indeed, I do it to myself so I have only myself to blame...If the love was not so overwhelming to me I would not have the willingness to be such an invisible person in your life.
I wish we had the kind of relationship where you did not have to hide everything about me; After looking at so many pictures of past relationships today I am reminded of what it is like to just be "normal"...I want the best of both worlds...the man that you are and the freedom to be the woman that I am...but that will never be my truth...
I ride so high with this thing with you but also crash so quickly....I wonder why people start and continue relationships that they know can never go anywhere...could it be that this is what makes them so attractive in the first place? A way to extinguish all the mundane parts and instead hone in on the exciting parts?
I wonder if I have the stamina to get through another turn at " not first"...but if I express that to you then you will tell me how i knew what I was getting into and therefore i have nothing to say...That is what Peter told me all the time and I felt guilted into stepping back once again in the shadows...
I have spent so much of my life in the shadows...
I feel like being selfish tonight....I want to be pulled from the shadows and have the light of my love for you shine without forgiveness....I want to hold you tightly and close to me and let you feel my love...
But I can't...I have to stay in the shadows where no one can see me....
and you will never know this is how I feel |
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Sometimes I feel like I am in such a push me/pull me relationship. As in " you push me away and then you pull me right back in". I just want to stay in.
There are so many things that you don't say; there are so many things in your life that I am shut out of.
If you are happy when you are with me and I am happy when I am with you, can't the rest be worked out?
Why does it always have to be so damn complicated? |
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I feel heartbroken.
My Dom/boyfriend just concluded spending the first night at my house and the third night since I met him NOT sleeping with me.
Let me explain....I have terrible allergies and asthma that have been really getting worse lately and apparently I am snoring louder and louder as I sleep. Coupled that with the fact that I can be a restless sleeper and he just could not sleep with me. See he just left with a peck on the cheek not telling me he loved me or anything else. Not even Happy Mothers Day.
I guess maybe I am just feeling sorry for myself. And if you are reading this you are laughing at me because I am being stupid. I just wanted to be held when I slept. I just wanted to wake up to something other then the stuffed animal that I sleep with. I just wanted you to be there with me and tell me that it wasn't a problem and that we would work it out.
Instead, although I told you go ahead and leave, that is exactly what you did. Quickly. Without looking back.
And I have only you, who may be reading this, to share the morning with.
Pathetic, huh? |
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Are you wondering where i have been lately? Yes, i have been seeing someone exclusively as of late.
He has captured my heart but there is still so much to explore and learn about each other.
The play between us is amazing; the intimacy overwhelming at times. There are some rough spots but that is to be expected.
I remember my first Master used to tell me all the time that the one who loves more in a D/s relationship has the least amount of power.
I am not sure who loves more in my current relationship....but i think it is i. |
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Do you know that moment when it all seems to come together? When the world is a perfect place and you hold your breath wishing that moment to last forever?
I know that feeling...I do. I wish there were endless moments of perfection and congruence.
These are the moments of my purple world. These are the moments I wish would last forever.
These are the moments I give to my Master. |
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It is last few seconds that i dread the most; the moment when you know that power and passion that you feel so deeply is about to walk out the door, taking with it all those wonderful feelings of joy and contentment that you never want to relinquish.
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I love life! I really do! You turn a corner, minding your own business and WHAM! wonderful things practically run right into you and jump right into your lap...
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Doing the happy dance today and i am the only one who knows why:)
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Where are the men who remember what being a man is all about?
Where are the Dominants who truly understand the D/s dance of seduction and conquest?
Where are the Masters who understand how to take care of their submissives?
I am starting to wonder if they indeed exist...
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Some idiot who actually wrote a very nice initial email referenced my last journal entry and invited me to chat. I went to talk to him and then he stated that he did not read my journal at all. So now either he was lying or already knew me from some other encounter. When I asked him to tell the truth he made up a bunch of BS and then got nasty.
Now why take the time to even go to a chat let alone an email if you are going to play games with me? Suffice it to say I exited that chat and stated quite clearly that I was not interested in talking to him anymore.
If you read what I write is it not obvious to you that I am a real person with real feelings and am looking for a real relationship? Can I make it any clearer?
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If I tell you to take me to my purple world, will you know what I mean? Do you have the ability to get into my head enough to figure out the specific route to take? Do you understand how to interpret what my body will tell you? Can you read the subtle signals enough to know when to stop and when to push me that much further?
And once there will you delight in sharing that beautiful head space that only you can be a part of?
This is the kind of man I am looking for. This is the kind of man that I need. This is the only man who can truly be my Dominant.
Is that man you? |
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How did you know the right tone of voice to use; how did you know the right words to say..
How do you look right through me without even seeing me..
How do you know my fears and my needs...
How do you know how to take without asking...
How do you know to posess without trying..
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Something that just occured to me in the shower:
As the bruises and marks fade, so does my memory of beng with you.... |
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Sometimes it is hard for me to say things out loud. I am better at expressing myself with the writeen word ( although those of you that get to know me closely learn to understand me through my body and its reaction...but that is another subject entirely)
I found this quote recently from a D/s blog ( yes the exist) and it seems to really sum up well the things I am thinking today...
"Aftercare is more than just a cuddle and a peck on the cheek. Not closing out a scene leaves a tremendous number of loose ends emotionally and if you don't deal with them at that point in time, you will certainly have them to address later in much less hands-on and less enjoyable ways. A sub wants attention. A sub is giving you everything to get it. A donkey will only follow the carrot so long before the donkey really could care less."
Written by a Dom in relation to his submissive I think is something that the person I wind up serving and submitting to should really understand very well. |
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I need to play. I need to really really really play. I need to be outside myself and brought down to a most basic of levels. I need to feel and not to think. I need the rush; I need the high; I need the exhilaration that a well executed strike can bring. I need to connect with someone on a most primal of level and feel that persons power wash over me. I need to be taken; I need no choices; I need to play.
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Why is it that everyone I actually try to contact on my own never responds? I am not complaining as I have enough cool people I am currently talking to and meeting with but I really am curious...
And as much as I enjoy the conversations on this site it is the one's that make me laugh that are the most memorable...
Keep me laughing and you will own me forever:)
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A new year and now I am back to being a
red- head:) Why not?
Someone very smart has been trying to teach
me how to figure out what I want I want in both
a Dom and a relationship so I think I have my
first requirement:
Don't tell me you will do something when
you don't wind up doing it; I take your word
to the bank and count on it more then you
imagine. If you want my heart and soul this
is the most important thing. I need to be able
to rely on you as I can promise that you
will able to rely on me more then you realize.
Having said that I am of course a realist and
real life does rear it's ugly head every now and then. Call me, text me, send me a telegram... Just please don't let me sit and worry about you
and make my mind any crazier then it already
is!!!
Got it?
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Happy New Year!
I am excited about a new decades possibilities....
Life truly is wonderful!
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I feel really good today. It didn't start that way for me....the day, I mean. But it has turned into a powerful day nonetheless.
I am filled with hope and promise and warmth. I feel love. I feel beauty. I feel depth. I feel caring.
I feel I will find myself, right there, over the horizon...
I just have to have the patience to get there intact. |
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Many times I look to someone else when my head is spinning and my thoughts are flying willy-nilly to and fro.
In the end though, I have to deal with these thoughts and fears myself.
Because, maybe, in the end, the only one I can truly rely on is myself.
And I realize that the strength I crave may really reside deep within myself - and that is where it may have been all the time I have been searching.
If I can grasp that inner strength with all my might and never, ever let it go then maybe, one day, my outer persona will reflect all that power that is within me.
And won't that person that I chose to give it to, in total, without restriction or codicil, be truly a lucky man... |
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It's funny how life can take a sharp turn to the left ( or right as it were) when you least expect it.
Here you are plodding along on this seemingly very straight road and..BAM!...you get some unseen force that literally shoves your body in a whole other direction then the one in which you intended to head for.
So now you have two choices: Fight the hand of fate or just go with the flow..
I choose the latter...
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The events of last month seem to be more and more distant....almost like a blurry memory with the details becoming harder and harder to actually remember...
So far it has been an interesting holiday season...I think my horizons might hold new adventures and increased understanding of who I am why I am and what I am...
I look forward to the New Year to bring me joy and happiness and even more the opportunity to bring my Dominant, whoever he may be, joy and happiness as well.
He who is unamed at this point has no idea he is in for the ride of his life!
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$11.04 - today I received a package with all the stuff I had left at the guy who walked away from me..okay Daryl...and it cost $11.04 to ship it to me. As I opened it I found personal items I had all but forgotten about, my toys ( yeah!) and some odds and ends that I had left there over the course of our relationship.
So sad that the value of our time together came to only $11.04. So sad that he did not even think enough to put a note with an attempt at an explanation.
I shed a single tear...for that is all an $11.04 package is really worth...and the puzzlement came back to haunt me once again..
How did this man, who I loved and took care of, who I slept beside countless nights, who I would have died defending think so little of me to send a package worth $11.04? |
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Went to Nashville for a few days with family to get away from it all...
Only I didn't really get away from anything...
I still think of the person who walked away from me a few weeks ago and I hate myself for doing that....especially since I have a very interesting new person hot on my tail to start something brand spanking new with him...
In my heart I know I really want to explore how deeply my submission to another can actually go and this new person is the kind of man to take me there...no mushy words or feelings...just a raw breaking down of my ego and defenses in order to expose the real me for once in my life...
I need to play I think in order to organize some of these thoughts and I need the pain in order to let my feelings bubble up to the surface so that I can be cleansed of them once and for all....trick is finding someone who can take me there safely and also bring me back when it is time to go....
I am beginning to see that the BDSM is the means whereby I can get in touch with my feelings and actually start to figure things out...pain and endorphins can do that to a gal:)...the pain and the loss of control is the only way I will let down my guard long enough to actually feel whatever sadness is inside of me...
As to the concept of safety and my perpetual desire to achieve that safety which so far has eluded me I think that when I am tied up tightly that is the only way that I can feel safe since I have to totally trust the person who can untie me when it is time...don't know if that makes any sense right now, but it does to me..
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The opera was amazing! We had a blast and I was singing funky the whole ride back from NYC! :)))
This has been a pretty great week, and even better I am off to Nashville for four days on Thursday! |
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Off to the Metropolitan Opera for the premiere of Hansel and Gretel with my daughter! Even better, I won the tickets in a contest! We have orchestra seats and it is my first opera ever!
Isn't the world a beautiful place tonight? |
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Great weekend! yesterday I went to NYC with a new friend to meet with some interesting women to talk about our trials and tribulations regarding being a submissive.
Such interesting stories from them all; each one unique and individual and eccentric and amazing.
One thing that binds us all ( besides your ropes) is our openess and pure acceptance of one another.
I am beginning to see that breaking up with that guy who walked away from me a few weeks ago might have been a blessing in disguise; He did not have the ability to control himself, much less me and had he not left I never would have realized that I would always feel a yearning for that element of control.
I saw past that in an attempt to find a place that we both could exist in because I truly cared for him but I think that I have to watch for that in the future. |
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Had an amazing time with a good friend Kate last night. Great Mexican food, great conversation, and then dancing at a LBGT place called " Switch" in New Jersey.
Okay....I am not LBGT...but...it was a place that we could go and dance the night away with each other and never have to be bothered with dealing with vanilla men!
As we entered the empty dance floor when we first got there and my booty started shaking she remarked to me that I was smiling and looked so happy. And I realized that I had not been dancing in a such a long time mainly because the men I was with did not like to go dancing and therefore it was an activity that I put aside for them.
And as I danced and twirled and let myself go and look as stupid as I wanted on the dance floor, again I wondered why I took so long to let myself feel this way.
And again it occurred to me that my behavior had been tabled due to the people that I had been dating.
And again I wondered why I allowed that to happen.
So, my dear future Dominant/lover/boyfriend remember to make me dance and twirl once in awhile....
you will have a much happier submissive/lover/girlfriend
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Time to get real. The man who walked away from me a few weeks ago tonight told me in an email that his reason for walking away from me was that I took away his self respect and dignity. I cried buckets over that until I was able to talk it out with a new friend. Basically I am thinking this:
(1) You are the only person who can do damage to your self respect and dignity; you can try to blame someone else but ultimately you are the one who is responsible.
(2) I am here because I am a submissive. You are here because you are a Dominant. You set the tone the pace the course. I follow it. Period. To do anything else makes you not a Dominant but does nothing to harm the fact that I am as submissive. You are ultimately responsible. That is why you are the Dominant. If that is too hard for you, go to Match.com.
(3) If I do not understand what you are trying to tell me, then you have to try harder or tell me in a different way. I have to do the same for you. It's called communication. If I don't listen yank me by the hair throw me to the ground and make me listen. That is your job. My job is to be okay with being thrown to the ground when necessary. And trust me.....if I am here, I am absolutely fine with that. As a matter of fact if you don't do it I will take back whatever power I have given to you.
(4) I am real and to have a real relationship with a living person is much different then Domming someone in a chat room. Or Domiing someine you see a few days every year. But as a real person I will hold you and stroke you and feed you chicken soup when you are sick and wake up every three hours for three days just to make sure you take your medicine. That my dear, is what is really important....the other stuff? It is bullshit compared to that...trust me.
So, if anyone really reads my journal I would love comments! |
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Had a great evening! Went to a Holiday Party in NYC at a bar I used to frequent all the time and it was so wonderful that everyone had missed me and still remembered me!
Remember when last guy walked away from me ego took a little bit of a hit and damaged my set of armor!
It's nice to be noticed!
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I actually cried a little bit last night...I watched the snow blanketing the ground outside my bedroom window and realized a new season is now here and that soon it will also be a New Year. I think I cried for things past and things yet to be. It all just felt so sad all of a sudden..like a wasted opportunity at a time in my life that opportunities are coming fewer and far between... |
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Something I came up with today with the help of a friends comments: Power exchange is not a buffet...it is an all or nothing type of thing...you cannot take only the parts of my power that you want and ask me to keep the rest...it doesn't work that way..don't ask me why..just doesn't...
If you want it from me being willing to take it all from me.... |
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So all things being equal I had an interesting discussion today that really made me think. What is the difference between what I want and what I need? That is the question that I need my Dominant-to-be to be able to answer for me, since I often get confused between the two...Realize oh future Dominant that I am a powerful woman in my own right and if the power that I give you is not nurtured and protected I am going to yank that sucker back from you so hard you wont know what hit you!LOL!
But....
if having been given even a small part of the power that is within me understand that it is only the begiining and if you can " overpower" me you will walk taller then most men that visit this dang blasted site! Because future Dominant, if you have taken my power from me and you have tamed the wild beast that roars to the surface when I do not feel safe or controlled you have won my highest prize....my respect and loyalty..
Now look within and ask yourelf..am I up to the challenge? Or do I want somone who is waaaaay easier to tame? |
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A new day begins:)
After one week I have talked to three people on the phone, the best of which seems to be this lovely woman who I have become to be friends with. We might enter into a play relationship as well with her and her Master; that remains to be seen.
But she calls when she says she will and that speaks volumes. And I think a little play wont kill me either.
I think one of the hardest things to maintain in a relationship that has a BDSM component is actually maintaining that BDSM component. Real life is busy enough and it can be hard to find time to play since so many other things compete for your time.
As my Dominant, whoever you might wind up being, remember never to let that ability to be in control get too far away from you; in doing so you might wind up letting me get too far away from you as well. |
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A little bit of a rough start finding my groove with the secrets of wading through some of the BS here on Collarme; part and parcel of the process and I think I was a bit rusty going in. Between my initial BDSM relationship many years ago and the one that came after it I had about two weeks in between to hone my skills and between that one and the last one I have wrote about recently I think I had a few hours ( or so it seemed). This time I am determined to listen to those red flags and gut instincts when it comes to men and romance. It's hard enough in the regular world; it is even harder in this world, where fact and fiction often intertwine and you can never be quite sure what you see and hear are actually what is in front of you and being said.
So, I will keep on doing what I do and I will keep on being real and I will cross my fingers, take a deep breath.... |
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So we email back and forth and the emails get longer and more involved and you tell me how interesting I am so then I give you my number and then...
It is at this point that the interaction between us is most critical....Do you put your feet in the real world of challenge and risk or do you slink back to the hole you just crawled from thinking " Damn!" Next time I'm gonna...
Do you crawl out ever so slowly, testing the waters, only to withdraw if you see a ripple in the distance...
Or do you hold your head up high, take a deep breath, and plunge unafraid into what looks like, at least in the beginning, murky waters?
If you wish to even imagine entering into a D/s relationship with me, I am looking early on for the consistency that will be so critical if we move this thing along any further. If you show me early on that you are unable to be consistent...well, think about it: If you were I, would you trust you to do to me the things at this level that can only be imagined? |
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Had the most amazing day yesterday! Not only did I get to do an extremely cool and worthwhile thing ( all the while feeling extremely self-important which stoked me even more) but after a bizarre series of events on the train coming home from NYC I was told that I had restored this person's faith in humanity by one simple, self-less act of kindness! Now, how absolutely cool is that?
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I find it so interesting that the fact that I can actually string together words to form a coherent sentence should be such a plus with so many of the men that I have communicated with over the past few days.
Guess that is actually sexier then anything else about me.
Hmmmm...
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"He would be in control of himself so his anger wouldnt overcome him."
New take on a now old and getting older by the minute story. I think this hits alot of points and I totally missed it....
My hang-up about wanting to know " why " someone would turn and walk away from me seemingly so easy is softening the more perspectives I get on the situation.
Listen...I am going to make you angry, I am going to disobey, I am going to piss you off. That's a given....I am human and you are too and will do the same to me. The difference is how you will choose to handle it as you are supposed to be the one who steers the ship when I navigate it into muddy waters....
If you stop steering and hand it to me, even if I ask for it, I am going to run it aground and then turn to you to dig it out...
Your job is to figure out how to back it up a bit, right my wrong, and allow the journey to continue...
He abandoned what he felt was a sinking ship.....
Does that make any sense? |
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Someone told me something just now which totally hit home for me. You might have realized that I am Jewish. We have a notion called " Besheret" meaning " a soulmate". It alludes to a piece of folklore about how we literally search our lives for " our other half ", that part of us which makes us whole. I thought this person was that for me; I felt that when I was with him. So maybe my puzzlement is over the fact that I was seemingly the only one who thought that. And makes me realize that I have yet to meet my " besheret "...my other half, my D to my s....and that makes my day seem a whole lot brighter...so thanks Linda for that comment! |
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A small favor of my readers:
If I have already dated , spoken to, or otherwise engaged in any sort of relationship with you and we are no longer together there is a reason; I have no desire ever to look behind me. You should feel the same.
And no...I am not interested in being friends.
Unless we were friends throughout my last three relationships.
Okay? |
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Not a word. Not a single spoken word. Wow...I thought I meant more then that to this man. Anger truly has a way of making cloudy what should be clarity of the heart. I left a door open that I normally shut very tight this time, and this time there is no one to open that door. It's sad to think about it in a way. I thought we were way beyond this happening. I felt confident in feelings and perceptions, although a small part of me kept holding back just a little just in case.
I just thought that this person was above that sort of anger.
I just thought life with me overall was good. Not great, not trouble free, not easy...but good.
Why do I think so fucking much all the time? |
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Here I go again:
Sigh....I sit here waiting for the man that I put all my eggs in one basket for to tell me why he has walked away from me without talking to me knowing full well that the conversation I am looking for will probably never come. I am not mad, I am not sad...I am puzzled. He left me with my not even understanding why he has left me. Strange, huh? One minute I thought we were plodding along the next...he refuses to tell me what I have really done to piss him off so much that having left on my suggestion to get him in from the cold, he keeps on going.
Waaay back when this thing first started with him I walked away from him, after getting mad about something. I got about five minutes down the road all full of myself and realized that whatever I was angry at was not worth losing what I had so I turned that car around, went back, and talked it out. He told me then never do that again unless I wanted to keep on going so I have not.
However, faced with the same decision I was he decided to ultimately keep going. I waited for him to return. I waited for that moment that you expect someone who you care about to rally for you. Really rally for you. Sweep you off your feet, gather you in his arms and tell you that he is not going anywhere and you better get used to it.
Does that ever really happen? Is it the ultimate in self torture to keep wishing for it to be so? Is there anyone out there that can, having been given the control that they crave, figure out how to keep it?
Is it me? Any feedback graetly appreciated. I am getting older by the minute! |
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Its been such a long time since I wrote, huh?
For old friends and potentially new friends as well I provide this update.
I found a great person waaay back this summer with whom to build something with, not only within the BDSM realm, but the world at large.
Both lives have come together in harmony and I am sitting in a very good place. I met a fantastic woman here as well who I/We have gotten together with twice ( once private/once public) and the play was phenomenal as well. We are not finished having fun with each other yet either:)
Life has a way of handing you what you want if you just ask for it in the right manner.
I met some good people along the way, and to those who I have written/spoken/met in real time I say thank you for being a part of my journey to the Sir I am now with.
And as I realize that life has a way of throwing one curveballs when they least expect it, I feel that it is important to never burn bridges..
My life is good, my daughter is happy, and I have rediscovered the wonders of my own eroticism and lust for play, sex and D/s.
It is interesting as I write this to compare how different my this holiday is/will be to how it was last year at this time. I feel so much more complete and happy; I feel loved and honored and adored and taken care of.
If you are reading this and asking yourself if Collar Me and D/s and BDSM and the " scene" can be real for you, my answer is " yes"..it will as real for you as you wish it to be.
Think outside the box, don't be afraid to take a chance, and take the time to try to get to know those who take the time to drop you a note, however shallow it may seem on the surface.
And don't be afraid to open your heart, even if it gets stepped on once in awhile....
Wishing all who read this a happy and joyous holiday and a new year of change and excitement...
madamerkf |
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It feels funny to write in here now; when one has a great real time relationship with one hell of a Dom, it seems almost as if it is a waste of time. All the things that I dreamed of doing, i actually get to do..and with someone I am loving and adoring and worshipping to boot. For me, He is the dream that has finally started to become real. He allows me the freedom to be as wanton and lustful as i like and He still loves and respects me when i am just being myself. He sets the pace and the tempo for the time that we are together, never failing to throw me off course just a bit to keep me on my toes. i like that:) i like that because i need that:)
i find that as the days go by, i feel more and more connected to Him; drawn to Him; and inspired by Him. He not only plants the seeds, He waters them and coaxes them along too. i understand when He tells me that " when we are apart, it hurts physically". i feel that same heaviness in the pit of my stomach at the thought of another day without Him close by. i cannot remember anyone else who has passed through my heart ever causing me to feel that way. It makes me wonder...
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The beauty of D/s lies not in the grand gestures or expensive embellishments so many people seem to treasure. Instead, the beauty lies in it's simplicity. You tell me, I obey. Period. All the complicated layers get slowly stripped away as we become closer and closer. When I no longer have to wonder about the reason why a decision was made and instead just honor both the decision and the decision maker, that is when my submission will be complete. You ask for everything and I have wondered and wondered what everything really means. I am starting to think that a complete acceptance of what I feel both in my heart and yours will be that everything. When I no longer doubt the very things that I crave from you and need from you and desire from you and lust after from you. When I can open my heart without " flinching"...and take residence in yours without thinking that one day I will be asked to leave. That, my love, will be the everything that you want from me. And when that day comes, we both will get what we desire and crave and need and lust after....each other. Everything.
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" I know what I want and I decided I am going to go after it". A very smart man that i know recently said these words to me. In knowing what He wants and making a beeline for it, there is a good chance that in doing so, two peoples lives will finally be complete. And all without me having to say a word...smart man, very smart man. Never ask; take..for in taking, you will truly possess. |
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In this world that we choose to live in, we all talk about control; what it means to give control to someone, what it means to take control from someone, and why we have the need to be controlled by someone else.
The man I am currently involved with understands much regarding the nature of control and how to use it correctly. I am just starting to learn what it means to really give up complete control to another person. The man i am currently with wants it all from me, whether i seem to feel i am ready for it or not. That is control. Why? Because He understands that in my questioning whether or not i may be ready, i am actually already there; i just don't know it yet. That He has taken the time to figure that out speaks volumes as to His character and devotion to living this thing we call a "lifestyle". The part that i like best is that He is determined to get me there, even if i have to go kicking and screaming. i am starting to believe when He tells me that He will finally be able to give me what i want even though i might not realize that i want it yet. i am starting to believe that in enslaving my mind, body and soul to His will, He is actually going to be the one to finally set me free. i am starting to believe that my strength serves to make Him stronger and in making Him stronger, i become a force to be reckoned with in my mundane world. i am starting to believe in Him and that scares me more then anything else in the world. |
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In my whole life, as far back as I can remember, I have never really felt safe. It is the one thing that has eluded me in all my relationships. I don't know why and I doubt I ever will fully understand it. I do know that somehow, when I am restrained and in pain, I get a glimpse into how it must feel to actually feel being safe. But it is fleeting, and lasts for only a few moments. Then again, it is worth every ounce of flesh on my body for those few fleeting moments. Just knowing that in my bondage I can at last let go of that urge to protect myself at all costs and instead pass my well being into someone elses hands is the most comforting feeling in the world.
If you can give me that through your love and devotion, I, in turn, will give you the happiness that seems to have eluded you for such a very long time.
Are you up to the challenge? and are you ready to be happy?
It rests in your hands, as it was intended and as it really ought to be. |
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It takes a moment for my eyes to adjust to the darkness. She motions to me to sit on the chair. I am mesmerized by her body; how it moves to the music, how it glistens with the soft sheen of her sweat from the bright lights of the stage. I look over to see your reaction and your eyes are glazed over with lust and desire...for me. You approve and I am pleased. The song starts and my heart beats in time as her hips brush against mine; I watch the ripples of her spine as she grinds against my knee. As the song builds to its chorus, she matches her movements to the increased tempo. Her arms rise in the air as she lifts up the hair from the nape of her neck, showing me the smooth white surface of her skin I look over at you once again, and I can see that in your mind we are the only two people in the room. Your desire for me is amazing. She interrupts my gaze and demands that I pay attention only to her and her dance of seduction. I look deep into her eyes and I see myself within her. The song builds to an end and my hips rise up to meet hers in time to the music.
She reluctantly removes herself from my lap. I lick my lips as she licks hers and we both sigh in unison. I rise from the chair that she has placed me in and make my way on unsteady feet to where you stand. My body rises as my lips reach out to touch yours. You grasp my hand and show me how truly turned on you actually are. And as my dancer now begins to dance for another, she smiles at me knowing what will happen when you and I go home. |
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Seconds melt into minutes, minutes melt into hours, hours melt into days. Time has no meaning and can be measured only by the space between the directions that you give to me. As you cradle me in your arms and rock my naked body back and forth, i know only this moment of this time; As the tails of your whip land squarely on my cheeks, i know only this moment of this time. As your fingers trace the raised welts on my skin, i know only this moment of this time. As my body gives up to you its secrets i know only this moment of this time. And each moment of this time brings me one step closer to you.
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To allow me to submit to you is to adore and cherish who I actually am without the clothes that hide me from the world, without the defenses that i have so expertly crafted to keep you at the distance that i feel comfortable. i submit to you and every touch is electrifying; every gentle caress by your hands to my body causes my skin to burn for the next touch you will gift to me...every nerve ending feels alive and my heart beats to a different rhythm...i submit and i know and i feel and i believe and i live...take it away and i will be left empty again with only the clothes that i wear to keep me hidden from you.. |
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Why is it that what should be obvious always seem to be so hard to actually see? So many times I have heard words from different people and those words never seem to match the actions that follow. If you don't know what you want, how do you expect to ever understand what I want? It is so painfully simple to capture who I am; it is you who wants to make it ambiguous and complicated. Ask and you shall receive; intimate your desires and if we have connected, they will be fufilled. If you expect me to understand subtle signs and nuances, also expect that I will be thoroughly confused and frustrated. I am a submissive; my job is to follow where you lead without having to be the one who draws the map. And the person who understands that will finally understand me. |
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For anyone that follows what i write in these entries...i finally accomplished erasing a bad memory of " Mama Mia" and have replaced it with a positive memory of clapping hands, bopping to Abba, and just being silly:)....more of my recent past put behind me, locked away forever in the cold and damp place that the memory belongs...of another wendy, in another lifetime...so happy to be whatever it is i am today...so happy to know that i can be submissive and that someone else might someday want to take the power that i so desperately want to give....i think i truly am happiest on my knees in front of someone that is truly stronger then i can ever be...someday, i might even actually feel safe, a feeling i have not had for so long that i forgot what feeling safe actually feels like...
thoughts tonight running through this thing i call a brain.. |
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I closed my eyes. I heard only the sound of His voice commanding me to touch myself intimately. My protests fell on deaf ears as my thighs gently parted and my hands fell to my knees. " Touch yourself". I hesitated as I tried to think, but thoughts eluded me and I only obeyed. My choice was to have no choice. My breathing quickened; my heart raced. My lips parted slightly as my hands moved across my body. " Touch yourself". I obeyed. " Faster" I obeyed. Pitiful moans yearning for release. " Ask me. Beg me. " I bit my lip as I slid to the floor, no longer able to sit, wanting to hide from Him and what I was doing. " No hiding; never from yourself, never from me". Movements become quicker, breaths becoming quicker. I ache for release. " Ask me now". I plead for His mercy to end my suffereing. " Now". My back arches, every muscle in my body tenses and I explode. " Again". I obey. " Faster". I obey. I beg yet again. His voice commands yet again. " Now". Each muscle contracting, my body curls into itself and I cry out, no longer thinking, only feeling. " Good girl"
Submission. |
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Back from vacation....had a wonderful time with a good friend and my daughter. Many thoughts running through my head this past week...thoughts of big hands and strong arms squeezing me tight, letting me know without words that He is there and I am safe, thoughts of gentle caresses and electric touches with sparks that serve to ignite my desires, thoughts of skin against skin as His body encircles mine in comfort and understanding...thoughts that my needs are real and so is His and how my pain and exqusite anguish will be the way that the special bond between you and I will be created and nurtured..
Thoughts of sweat and longing and lust and desire; thoughts of laughter and grunts and moans and that moment that I cease to be I and you cease to be you; replaced instead with we...
Thoughts that run through my head and while cruisng to Bermuda... |
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I am away for the next week on vacation...cruising to Bermuda with daughter and friends. Will check email when there....am alo going to try to work on some more erotic writing, at the request of several from this site...Wish me luck! |
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I want to feel the wetness of your mouth on mine and the force of your tongue as it explores every region of my mouth and throat;
I want to hear your breathing become heavy and labored as your hands roam all over my smooth and yielding body;
I want to watch as your eyes become cloudy with looks of wanton lust as they imagine how you will feel when my body envelopes yours with my softness;
I want to feel you tremble as you finally lose control within me;
I want to hold you as your shaking subsides and is replaced by a feeling of peace and contentment;
Won't you come out and play with me real soon?
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Sleepless nights...tossing and turning..can't seem to get a handle on what is bothering me..it must be something that I am pushing deep down inside me to a place that is inaccessible at the moment....I hug my pillow, snuggle up close against it and try to find comfort, but it is fleeting...it doesn't hug back:) |
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Got my hands on some nice toys the other day...went into some "toy stores" and was able to just feel and touch everything...each whip that I handled, each leather cuff I felt served to remind me, for the briefest of instants, what it feels like to have that type of toy biting into flesh over and over and over again..that exquisite feeling of each stroke bringing me closer and closer to who I really am...the smells, the sounds, the voice of my pain-giver leading me down a path that only I am allowed to walk on...and the absolute beauty of that dance that only we know how to do when it is all over... |
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" Do you like making love at midnight, in the dunes on the cape....You're the lady I looked for, run to me and escape"..Rupert Holmes ( Escape)
Ah...the romance of the D/s dance! |
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Out of town trip got cancelled due to an illness of mine...As upset as I was about it, I have no choice but to accept it and move on..
Someone from my past told me that I was an easy person to love and that got me thinking; If I was such an easy person to love, then why is this person having to say this from a past perspective? I think in reality it is the contrary; specifically that I am NOT an easy person to love, since to love me puts demands on you for honesty, sincerity, and consistentcy. And those demands on your love for me is required simply because that is what my love for you entails...honesty, sincerity, and consistency. I am thinking that perhaps since my love for you demands reciprocity, that it is precisely the reason that person, and others before him, have been required to say that in the past tense. For those of you in my future, remember that...demand of it yourself....demand it of me....
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Heading out of town tonight for a few days...somebody pretty cool has inspired me to try my hand at some erotic writing....three hours to kill on a plane..why not? If anyone out there has some inspiration for me as to what to write about, please share...
This particular person also helped me a great deal during a very long, but highly erotic conversation to realize that something I have been blaming myself for failing at for many, many years might not have been my fault at all and maybe just maybe, given the right set of circumstances and cast members can be changed from a bad memory to a positive experience. Similar to a previous post about wanting to experience Mama Mia in a positive way, only what He is proposing sounds way more fun:) |
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I was remembering long, ardurous kisses taken from me on a street, late at night, in the doorway of a closed antique store. I was remembering the unlacing of a corset, in a dark corner, in an uncrowded bar late at night. I was remembering how at dinner, we always chose to sit next to each other rather then across from each other. I was remembering how things used to be, and trying to figure out why " used to be" became the operative word. I was remembering and deciding that I want all that, and more in my life again. I was remembering.....
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I am heading into the time of summer vacations and traveling, so for now, most of whatever I have been doing on here will have to be put on hold for a few weeks....not the communication part, but with two free days for me over the next three weeks or so, I barely have enough time to unpack/repack before I have to leave town again...I know, it is a crying shame, isn't it?
I remain optimistic that somehow, in the grand scheme of things, everything will work out...It has always seem to do that in the past, so I see no reason why all of a sudden the cadence of my life should change....
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There seems to be two groups of people I seem to be meshing with; those with an interest in me sexually and those that are interested in the things I write in my journal and the potential friendship I can bring to them through my comments and remarks....both are just fine with me, so it is all okay. I appreciate the kind words and love to have an ever increasing social circle of people to talk with, go out with, and yes..sometimes play with:) No apologies from me for that one to anyone! I sometimes find myself wondering how I will know when I have finally connected with the right person at the right time..not an easy thing to do, and I can see from my friendships that I am not the only one who has that problem. Right time, right place, right person...it will happen and I will be patient. Only don't make me wait too long, okay? |
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I just have to say it: As I peruse the different profiles, I am struck by those who have glaring spelling and grammatical errors...Potential Doms of mine take heed and re-read your profile from time to time and make corrections..it shows that you are serious about what you write..enough so to review it after you write it.. |
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A thought provoking conversation tonight with what appears to be a rather smart and intuitve Dom...gave me some stuff to think about regarding my over analyzing things and worrying over even the most minor of decisions...also talked with a friend from the weekend regarding a possible need to push a limit that I have been holding on to for a very long time...One of the things I truly love about D/s is its innate ability to continuosly allow you to be introspective and really take a good, hard, and long look at lines drawn in the sand only to realize that the ensuing tide is slowly washing those lines away and revealing how fragile a hold they had on you in the first place...Food for thought..Food for thought... |
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I continue to talk to some very interesting people on here; all very different and all have something intelligent to say. The weeding out process can be a little bit daunting, but it only serves to help me understand what it is that I am NOT looking for! I try to find some commonalities with those that get past the first few emails, but you would be amazed at the ones who never get past that first, initial phone call. I had a bit of the " sub frenzy" when I first started on here, which makes sense if I look at the time that led to my most recent breakup ( at least for me...no one thus far has figured out to ask me to really understand my "frenzy")...Those first few minutes of that first phone call continues to be a bit awkward...even I, who has the gift of gab, has to work initially to establish a rapport..those that I do start talking with, however, wind up into lengthy phone calls. I am still yawning from a delightful one last night that stretched into the 4am hour....bitch that I had to get up at 8 for work....oh well! It does get me somewhat "bothered" when we start discussing things like whips, chains, bondage and the like ..I try to talk normally, and am not into phone "anything", but the visions I have in my head can be quite astounding:)...as you read my musings please note that my past relationship of eight months had no scening and no sex( as per the other halfs hang-ups) ...its a long story, so ask if you have read this far....Obviously, I have some lost time to make up...although I remain very choosy and very particular...If you get to that point with me, you can consider yourself one lucky man...know that you are special and that I picked you to bring me pleasure...at the same time I hope bringing you pleasure by giving you that part of me that most people never experience... |
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To those that decide to contact me:
What I write is real; who I say that I am is real; I am real and exactly as my picture shows and how I describe myself. I journal how I feel because it helps me to process things and I hope that anyone interested in meeting me will see it and have some insight into who and what I am before contacting me. I am optimistic that the right person will read it, really read it, and think, " Damn! This is one subbie I really want to get to know better!". Until then I will continue to write how I feel and continue to be me, whoever that is. And lucky will be the man that will own my heart....and lucky will be me to have finally found him! |
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What a weekend of highs and lows...Quiet day today, off to meet my friend for dinner tonight...I slept through the night completely for the first time in weeks without tossing and turning and otherwise replaying things over and over in my mind a hundred times.... |
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Having been blown off by someone I was sooo excited to meet tonight, I decided to take myself out instead of sitting home....totally vanilla, but I actually had a decent time...While I was walking out to my car, the wind was gently blowing, the air was cool, and the clouds were purple...I looked up at the night sky, spread my arms wide, and smiled..smiled because I feel so good tonight, smiled because the emotions of this weekend are starting to fade away, smiled because I have confidence in myself again as a woman, as a sub, and as a person...smiled because in the end life is so good and I am so happy that I am living it...just smiled:)
Won't you smile along with me tonight? |
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I feel yummy right now! Warm and glowing and sore..the best kind of yummy! Went out to the club in NYC, met up with a friend from quite awhile ago, played hard, and now I feel as light as cotton candy....and I think parts of my body are as pink as cotton candy too!
Isn't life grand?:) |
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Its really cool to see that people are following my journal..when one puts out words in cyberspace, it is with the hope that they touch someone else, and I am happy that I seem to have accomplished that..
I feel better today...still an element of sadness within me, but after a manicure and pedicure, the world doesn't seem so dark ( I am a woman you know).....If I can just let go of my sorrow over broken dreams, I know I can push those demons right back behind the locked doors that they belong in...and if the person who gets me to that place hugs and caresses me afterwards, even if just for a few moments, I will be able to pick myself up, dust off the bootprints in my back, and re-emerge whole once again..
Wish me luck! |
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I cried myself to sleep last night....I hugged every stuffed animal I could find and still I was all alone....I don't want to cry anymore....I want to laugh, I want to jump, I want to sing, I want to be happy...
To the one that put me there, please do not put me there again... |
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Tonight has been real hard for me...devestatingly hard to handle. I received a phone call which has stirred up so much sadness within me and I am crying harder then I should ever have to....It brought up memories of broken promises, of bitter hurtful words...things I had buried in the ground for what I thought was forever. I don't want to cry; anyone who has connected with me so far should know that I am at my core a happy person. I love to laugh, and I love to just...well, love. When I close a door, I lock it and throw away the key. I don't know how to handle it when that door all of a sudden gets blown wide open again. I panic because it is behind that door that I place my pain and sorrow so that it does not consume me. Tonight someone tried and succeeded in opening that door and releasing the sadness that I had locked behind it. And now, when I really need to talk this out, it is much too late for me to even think of bothering anyone with this....my nose is red, my eyes rimmed with tears, puffy with the weight of having been the mechanism of release....
If you know me and if you read this, please call me when you have a moment...I could really use the kind words... |
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I am going to put this out there and if you are reading and following my thoughts and have or are thinking of establishing contact consider it:
I have been seeing the recent ads for the movie " Mama Mia". A few months ago I went to see the play with my ex and his family, it was a nightmare. and I cried from the time the curtain rose until the encore. Would you consider going to the movie with me and turning a negative memory into a positive one? |
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Purple lights. I have purple lights on my bedroom ceiling. Everyone looks good under purple lights. Sometimes, when I can't sleep, I lie in bed looking up at my purple lights and imagine all sorts of things. Some kinky, some mundane. When I float, I rise up to those purple lights and lose myself in them. When you lie in my bed with me, you will lose yourself in them too....and then you will lose yourself within me. |
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What am I ? How do I define myself for others? Isn't that such a hard question to answer?
I know what I am not: a fake, a phony,a user, a bitch, a bottom in name only.
I know the titles that I relish and hold dear: mommy, daughter, sister, friend, confidant, woman, submissive.
But do those titles really define who I am? What my essence is?
I know this much is true: If you are good at who you are, then your ability to strip away my layers will reveal some of the answers.
The one time that I must be who I am, when I have no choice but to be me, is when I can just purely be a submissive woman...and only one that understands the meaning of domination, what it really means at its core, stripped bare of its pomp and circumstance...only the person who gets it will get me. Will help me get back into being myself. And in return for giving me the ability to submit to you? What do you get? Imagine your fantasy...close your eyes really tight...open them...I am there to serve you.
Capish?
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So if I step back and look at the last few weeks, where am I exactly? Not quite sure; although I am definitely going the " trial by fire" route...I wish there was a set protocol on how to screen, establish communication, meet, and evaluate potential Doms....I so need that since this whole abstract, come what may process is hard for me to understand...Now, I am by no means stupid; I actually am smarter then probably most of the Doms on this site....book smart that is. Common sense, life smart...now thats another story. Which is one of the reasons D/s works so well for me in the first place...it gives me the external controls that I don't have internally. And gives me a framework to work in so I know the rules ( or at least I think I do) and operate from there. So yes, I am looking for a Dom ( as opposed to a Top) and yes, I am looking to incorporate whoever I end up with into my vanilla life as well ( as I hope he will do for me)...I know its out there, I can feel how close it is..... |
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Using this journal is actually rather interesting..I used to journal years ago when I first started in the lifestyle, and once in a while when I look back at it, it is so insightful as to what I was feeling and thinking..really illustrates to me where I was and where I went and where I currently am.....I remember someone saying to me in a different context that they were excited about the possibilities and despite a few initial setbacks I am still so excited at the chance to possibly make that life altering connection with someone, like I initially made so long ago with the man who started me and taught me so much, not only about the scene but about myself....maybe the waiting is good..makes me yearn for it all really so much more....so I remain optimistic and ever grateful for whatever I learn and whomever I learn it from along the way... |
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Although I am still absolutely awful at reading subtle signs and hints, I do understand a powerful, mouth crushing kiss.....I understand a grasp so hard that it leaves bruises....I understand that if you leave me breathless, it is a good thing...I understand that as a man, you naturally will try to push the envelope as far as you think I will allow it...I understand all these things...What I do not understand is the person who takes the time and energy to establish some sort of connection, and then once established, does not follow through with it..Do I have to draw you a picture to make you understand that whatever you think you have gotten from me initially, it is only a fraction of what I have to potentially give? Why do you settle for so little? |
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Talked to an amazing person tonight..didn't even bother with the " tell me what you are looking for" emails..I needed some guidance, He was looking right at me ( literally), I reached out, He responded, and there went about two hours of the rest of the evening! He made me laugh when I felt like crying, and I didn't feel so stupid after we finished talking. He sent me the most amazing pics which got my blood boiling, and I went to bed feeling much better and able to sleep peacefully. I really need the help, not in starting the dance, but figuring out what kind of dancer someone is and where you go once the dance is over...I am determined to figure out how to make it work, and I just need a strong hand to guide me..okay, make that a REALLY strong hand..
up to the challenege? |
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Boy, BDSM and D/s sure can be a rocky ride! I am wondering if I have made myself too vulnerable without keeping some areas protected....my problem is my emotional response to being dominated and my overwhelming need to experience that lovely state of subspace that I so desperately crave...all the while trying to figure everything out in a vanilla world that doesn't always want to cooperate in the way that you want it too..I need to be restrained and whipped in order to reach that place where everything is real and there are no lies or false fronts...its finding the person who enjoys that ride as much as I do that is really fucking hard:) |
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I have rediscovered myself over this past week, and begun to see myself in a more confident light..I have rediscovered the magic of play, and how wonderful the ride is that a good top can take one on..I have rediscovered the beauty of that instant when your legs are weak and your vision is blurry and yet you lock into the eyes of the person who just put your there and see so deep within them that the man to woman connection that you needed so badly has now become real...if only for an instant. And it was in that instant that I found within myself how strong and how powerful I really am.....so I say thank you to the one that allowed me to rise to that place and took such good care of me on the way down:)
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It is finally, finally over. All his stuff is gone, and it looks as if he never even existed. Except he did...and I need to learn from it and not allow anyone else to fool me ever again. I looked at him as he carried out his belongings in plastic grocery sacks, and wondered what I had ever saw in him in the first place. I looked into his eyes and I saw nothing; I heard the sound of his voice and wondered what had ever made me go against my better judgement and listen to the words that the voice spoke, As he walked out the door I wondered not " what could have been"..instead I wondered " what will now be possible"... |
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So far people have been so nice in their responses...I am hurting inside so it is much appreciated...and it is nice to know that maybe I still have a fighting chance to connect with someone... |
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To all those who read and respond..
Thank you! |
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So I will pour my heart out tonight and see if anyone is listening. I met a man on here in the fall almost right away and it got hot and heavy quickly..too quickly I now realize. Cut to tonight and the life that I thought I was participating in creating is now completely over and done with and I feel stupid for having believed...and the funny thing is I know I will probably buy into the very sme fantasy time and time again because I am a hopeless romantic who believes in kismet and fate and all things good and wonderful..not too grown up, ya think? I wanted to believe so much in what I thought was happening that I pooh-poohed the obvious signs ( one being the lack of type of dominance that I need) and figured it would all work out fine...I mean, I followed the signs and felt fate leading me and..now, wait a minute...I see what happened...in my effort to please him I lost myself...has that ever happened to anyone else? |
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