Lustfulkitten

Words escape me, words betrays, alludes and prove useless to express the mix bag of feelings running through me. A ball of yarn of emotions, all intertwine and convoluted.

I need an outlet, I need to be able to analyze, sort and categorize my emotions and feelings.

Bliss and happiness is a duel edge sword for me, on the other side of that sword is impending doom.

The past few months of knowing the one who brings me joy, pleasure and pain is been that of a fairy tail, So many first, so many things that I did not know that I like nor needed. The sweetness of being dominated in so many aspect of my life. How I needed the sting of humiliation and degradation from his hands.

With all that happiness and joy looms the fear of having the rug being pull from underneath me. I've heard it said that it's better to have love and lost rather than to have never loved at all, BS! how can one miss what one never had.

I've tasted the fruits of a true D/s relationship, I've indulge in the freedom of being controlled. I'm addicted to the waves of orgasms that he manufactures with his hands, cock, mouth and words.

Over the weekend my Sir allowed me to view the profiles of the others that serve him, my sisters lol. I could not help but feel a sting of jealousy, reading their journal entries and the sessions that they had with him. I hate feeling insecure and having the rug being pulled from underneath me. Naturally I started to do something that is very vanilla, I started to compare them to myself, their beauty. I had no clue that he was using my jealous emotions to his advantage, I needed to prove something.  once he saw how disturbed and troubled I was he strip me, bounded me and proceeded to informed me of what he wanted from me as he whip me. I was bombarded with emotions, by the end of the session I was overwhelmed with fear, jealousy, a sense of displacement, love for him, devotion for him. He fuck me after made me cum, over and over again, strong orgasms that had me yelling as they escape my body leaving me drained. He demand more, my body ran dry of fluids, yet I continue to shake and quiver with each stroke of his cock and him demanding me to cum for him. I feed him breakfast before he left out, as I watch him leave my heart sank and I felt a sense of dread, my head was light, I was drunken by all that he had put me through.

I'm so overly excited that I can't sleep, Sir promise to take me to a BDSM club in New York Saturday night. Being that this will be my very first time, I'm buzz from excitement and anticipation. To be around like minded people of all sort of different kink and fetish will be like nothing I can even began to imagine. I'm nervous so therefore I write, I'm scared, thrilled and intimidated all at the same time. He laugh, he try to calm my anxieties by reassuring me but I'm still a ball of nerves. He promise to take lots of pic of me in my slut wear, and maybe allow some strangers to grope me once I'm comfortable and enjoying myself.

 can't wait.

What makes a woman a slut?

What makes a woman a bitch?

what lines have to be cross for a woman to be a depraved whore?

I like sex, I'm a very sexual woman does that make me a cunt whore? It's way more than just physical or even mental for that fact, it's something deep in my core that before I could not put into words, before him and what he have taught me about myself. With me sex is instinctive very primal, the whole act from beginning to end is thrilling, even if I don't have an orgasms I still feel satisfied from all the other aspect of being topped, dominated, penetrated, violated, feeling vulnerable, being the object of another's pleasure.

Before the act itself there's a feeling that serge through me, a deep wanting and need that manifest itself in a strange way, my pussy throb and pulsate, I get flirtatious, silly. As my actions get rewarded by acknowledgement or some attention the fact of knowing that I'm about to get fuck sends adrenaline rushing through me, I get hot, face flush and I'm conscious of the smell emanating from my crotch.

The need to be naked or to have my sex exposed is overwhelming.

I need my hair pulled, pulled hard.  Hearing the sound of my ass being slap, the pain the pleasure. Why do I love being made to do things that would make most woman cringing? 

 Why when he calls me a slut my mouth waters and crave his cock?

I'm who I am cause I like what I like, I'm me.

sometimes I hate how transparent I am to him, the way it's so easy for him to read me, he claim that in this type of relationship it's a must, especially being that we don't  use any safety words. "it's imperative." he smirk. I know his right but he need not be so smug about it. seating across one another in a busy family restaurant he continue to peel away at my layers with his stare, finally he lean in and whispered one of my deepest hidden secrets to me. From pure shock and surprise I started to deny what I was hearing, I was red  I hid my face behind my menu. 

My mind started racing and I began to think how could he have  possibly known of this fantasy that I safe guard with every breath. Out of fear or shock I began to protest the plans that he had set up for our next session. I hid my face behind my menu as my mind went into a state of panic, (how did he know this? what else do he know about me?) so much for my brain to process in such a short time, he reach out and grab my free hand with his and I felt him squeeze, his voice in a calm soothing tone, instructing me on how I should be feeling, on how to be calm and composed.

Looking up at him three things became crystal clear, #1 I will do as he wish, #2 it will forever change us and #3 I will love it.

This is part of his training, me learning that I have no say, that I' am property, that I will be used and used hard to his liking.

A few things about me before I continue to tell tales of my journey. I was a wife for over 20 years and a mother, my life before meeting him consisted of caring and taking care of others, my needs and desires laid dormant. I dreamed of things that made no sense, I craved things that went against my upbringing and beliefs. "To thy own self be true" now I know the weight  and the true meaning of that statement, back then I was not only suppressing my true nature I was in denial of my desires.

 I tell him things that I never dare to express to my ex, I hold my breath and cringe, his not shock he does not judge. He break it down to me, explain it, reason and rationalize it till it's no longer strange nor weird. He mentally stimulates me till my crotch tingles.

 His kink and perversion keeps my panties paste to my flesh all day at work. It's part of my training he claims, to keep me sexually stimulated in a constant state of yearning. As much as I love it it's becoming borderline unbearable, the beep from my cell phone informed me it's another text message from him,  my pulse quicken, the roller coaster ride began and I race to my desk for privacy.

 My hands shaking, breathing stop, it's a series of pictures of me restrained, face red screaming, my ass red from being whip and spanked, other pics of his  massive black cock going in and out of me. The sharp contrast of me seating at my desk in my suite to the pig whore I was looking at on my phone had my mouth dry and in need, a wave of lust rush over me seeing myself being used and in such a state.

 "Are you ok? you look a little troubled" that question and statement broke my trance, I nervously slam the phone down and answered my manager and got back to work.

I finally experienced my first session with my Dom the other night.  While my mind was racing with thoughts of how it would be although I was relaxed at the same time.  Wearing a butt plug before meeting up and actually wearing one the whole time of the session made me want the session to never end.  Feeling him pour hot wax on my back had turned me on so much and as I felt the pain from the whips and him grabbing me knowing there would be marks there the next day had gotten me to the point that I knew I would cum before he even put his fist inside me.  It was the best night of my life and I was even more turned on than I thought I would be....so looking forward to the next session..........

 On a journey with my Dom, not looking for Master's, Dom's or any males. Here to learn, grow and share.