|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Hiya! :) I'm *mumbles* a-ehm *cough* and I'm looking for an LTR with a great Dom.
5 things you might want to know about me:
1. I LOVE dating. I LOVE sex. Even though I don't want to live in Pennsylvania for the rest of my life, I can't get serious with someone who lives too far away for me to see them twice a week.
2. I've lived all over the world and have had a lot of great adventures. I have friends from many different cultures who are precious to me, and I have a job that supports and challenges me. I want a Dom who is employed and aware/accepting of new experiences.
3. Are you an intellectual? The best way to turn me on before I get my clothes off is to show evidence of being legitimately well-read and interested in art and culture. Bad writing literally turns me off.
4. I lean further toward the masochistic side of the 'bottom spectrum' than submissive, but enjoy some submission. I prefer BDSM sex to be the norm in my life, with maybe occasional vanilla. I love pain/sensation play, bondage, lots of rough oral play, and nonconsent fantasies. I do not like humiliation at all.
5. MFF is a HUGE turn-off. I want a permanent relationship with a (bio or trans) man. Physically, I prefer men between 35-50 who are strong enough that I can struggle in their arms, and I love the tactile pleasure of softness over muscle. Height is absolutely not important. Body hair is encouraged.
|
|
|
|
|
i'm all squirmy watching this movie that was wonderfully sexy when i was a young'un, and it's awful now, embarrassingly bad, but i can't help responding to it. |
|
|
|
|
for as much as i dislike humiliation, i do have a (pretty specific) fantasy of degradation, or let's say objectification. i havent gotten to explore it with anyone yet, or even really talk about it. |
|
|
|
|
I'll never understand why a Dom would put a bunch of pictures of women he's fucked on his profile to attract other women. Some guys have tried to tell me it's a way of showing their "experience" or whatever, but... Yuck.
It's an immediate, enormous turn-off. |
|
|
|
|
So, lots of people ask me how I 'got started in the lifestyle' and I never know how to answer that question. I don't understand why it's pertinent, either, in much the same way that I don't understand why Doms post how many years of 'experience' they have. Imagine a vanilla couple on a date, and the man says "I lost my virginity in 1997, so I have 18 years of experience sticking my penis in people." It doesn't tell me anything useful at all.
But I guess what people want to know is ~why~ I'm looking for a Dom. Apparently there's something uncool about being a 'dabbler'? I don't know. In any case, the story I always tell is that when I was 3 years old, I saw a movie where Christopher Lee was a warlock and had tied up an adventurer who was trespassing in his (Lee's) castle. The adventurer was tied to a rotating spit and had an apple in his mouth. And I was a bright kid at 3, but obviously I didn't know anything about sex or power or endorphins. All I knew was I wanted that. I ~loved~ being chased at recess, loved playing pirates or cops & robbers, any kind of a game where I was held hostage.
Then when I was a teenager I saw a movie about the Marquis de Sade, and I learned this was a sexual thing, and it had a name and it was shared by other people. I never felt like I was rebelling or chasing a taboo. I've certainly never felt ashamed of my desires.
When I was old enough to start experimenting with sex, this was the kind of sex I gravitated towards. I've had relationships that started on BDSM websites, and others where I met someone randomly who turned out to like rough sex. I've also had vanilla relationships, and from them I learned that I don't really like romantic gentle sex at all. And the look on a vanilla man's face after you've said "harder!" eighteen times is, just... it's embarrassing. I don't like having to coax people into being rough with me.
That said, I generally have vanilla/kinky sex with women. I've experimented enough to know that I don't need BDSM in my queer relationships. Make of that what you will.
So that's the history of Lunamoss' involvement in BDSM. Whee. :) |
|
|
|
|
in Heian era Japan, it was normal for men and women to write poetry to one another as a courtship ritual. Morning-after poems were also common.
This is Japanese poetry, mind you, so it's not that trite rhyming shit that R&B singers seem to find so moving. Just a few lines of something peaceful and evocative, on nice paper and written by hand. A little memento. And this was at a time when people were wildly promiscuous and husbands routinely raised other men's children.
It just seems so civilized, such a basic sign of respect for the adult you're playing with. This moment happened, and it was nice, and here's a keepsake. I like that. |
|
|
|
|
I've been spending a surprising amount of time looking at these tumblrs related to what the owners call "the AO Lifestyle" that is, anal only.
The tumblrs and related websites have this queer, Dolcett-like lightheartedness to them. Captions to the pictures talk about "now that AO is becoming more popular" and "today's woman knows it's all about the ass." As if there IS such a thing as an anal-only lifestyle, something shared by more than the 6 people who regularly peruse the tumblr. 7 people now that I've been going on it.
I like anal play a lot, but something about this use of the word "lifestyle" and claims like "she knows her pussy is just for decoration" make me so depressed. It upsets me in a very primal, up-is-down kind of way.
I guess I worry that young people will see these sites and not understand that it's a joke- a smug fantasy, like Dolcett cartoons. I already have to deal with men who think clitoral stimulation means "try like Hell to mimic a vibrator" and anal play equals penetration. I feel like if a teenager sees a website like this, he'll think it's real and then be irate when normal women don't want a dick in their ass three times a day. There are already so many spoiled manchildren in the world, still single in their 30s because normal humans don't measure up to what they've been told they deserve. |
|
|
|
|
Recently I've gotten entangled with an ex lover, and I guess I've been trying to find a way to have a friendly relationship with him that won't end in disaster. We click in some ways but are incompatible in other, pretty essential ways.
He's older than me and very handsome. He's talented at his job and his hobbies. He's clean, bright, wealthy, and he knows how to live well. And he's a pretty rotten Dom. He's noncommunicative, doesn't respect boundaries, forces me into situations where I have to top from below just to get basic needs met. He can also get nasty and then pretends to have been misunderstood.
How can a person have so much suave about him, and still fail at something (Domming) that he's so passionate about?
This is why I don't care when someone says he is a "natural Dominant" or has x many years of "experience." It doesn't matter. It doesn't prove you're good at it. |
|
|
|
|
The pageantry of submission doesn't interest me. Sensation interests me. Intensity. People use words like 'use' and 'service' and they don't make sense to me. When I feel 'used' I am profoundly unhappy. Good sex leaves me feeling satisfied, full. Exhausted. I like to FEEL as much as possible, all different kinds of sensations.
It doesn't mean I don't enjoy giving my partner pleasure. I am very generous to people I like. I take the time to learn what my partner wants, I listen to feedback. But that's more like good manners than it is fulfilling a need to 'serve' my partner. |
|
|
|
|
It's too bad that when you talk about 'anal' the first thing people think is 'dick in ass.' There's so much more to it, and there's so much variety of sensation that can be achieved with fingers.
Through self play I've been learning how much I like rubbing along the outside with no penetration. It's wonderful, and something most partners gloss over. I also respond really well to very fast penetration, like zipzipzip in and out with something very slim and firm like a sounding rod. my acrylic toy is only the width of my pinky, but it gives the most wonderful sensations.
The only thing I haven't been able to do on my own is the stretching thing, because I usually cum before it gets challenging.
Edit: I've gotten a few (dozen) emails asking if this journal entry implies that I can have an orgasm through anal stimulation alone. I don't mean to be snarky, guys, but come the fuck on. It's called a clitoris. |
|
|
|
|
I have a bite mark on my labia.
Score! :) |
|
|
|
|
I can take way more from a wooden paddle than I can from an open hand. Isn't it supposed to be the other way around? But I looooove paddles. |
|
|
|
|
The hucow thing. My breasts and nipples are very, very sensitive- I actually tell people not to touch me in that area unless they can commit to getting me off, because it's a major erogenous zone for me. So the hucow thing is arousing on a purely physical level.
And even though I'm not into humiliation, somehow the concept of being a cow is less upsetting than, say, a dog. You know? Cows are lovely and mild. There's some absolutely gorgeous early American and Dutch artwork involving cows. So it's not humiliating, not really.
But even though I can get off fantasizing about it, I'm pretty sure I'm not going to try that in real life. Even playing with suction with a partner seems off limits just because it looks so freaking silly. "Looking silly" is a major turnoff. You know? |
|
|
|
|
I was asked to participate in a charity fashion show hosted by a local boutique where I shop. Even though I've done a (very) small amount of modeling before, it surprises me every time that someone would choose me. "You want a big girl?" It isn't about my self-perception; I love my body and what it does for me. But I'm always amazed that someone would use my body to sell a product.
Backstage I got lots of compliments from the hair & makeup girls for my "great skin" and "gorgeous hair." I thought, my skin is nice because I don't wear foundation. My hair is nice because I don't use heat styling. But it's easy to lose sight of what looks good, and instead you just want things to look a certain way. Skin that's all one color and hair that's ironed at the roots and curled at the ends. It might not actually look good.
That might have something to do with why this boutique chose a plus-size model. My thighs touch, but I still have great legs. I have a round face and a really pretty smile. I might not look a certain way, but there's still beauty in me.
You know? |
|
|
|
|
The best Doms and tops I've ever been with have been men who spent some time bottoming either for their own preference or in workshops to learn how to be better Doms. It makes perfect sense, doesn't it?
I feel like if I had the opportunity to give a Dom a spanking, he would understand better than anything I could say about what's generally appropriate and what I personally enjoy. I wonder why Doms aren't more open to learning. |
|
|
|
|
Made the disappointing discovery today that I can't wear any kind of clit jewelry. I don't seem to have a clitoral hood. Or it's very small, or constantly retracted. But there's nothing there to put something on. |
|
|
|
|
Louis C.K. said this thing, "men are the worst thing that ever happens to a woman."
I don't want this to be true, but... But it is. When I think of my life, I've achieved a lot and had a lot of adventures and challenges. And the worst things that ever happened to me, were done by men who said they loved me. |
|
|
|
|
I just went through a haunted house attraction, one of those ones ones where they grab you and nudge you with fake chainsaws and stuff. It wasn't so different from a BDSM experience, except no communication and less pleasure. But the wild endorphins and sense of play were there. |
|
|
|
|
Ooof, I have to say, I am not thrilled about being 30.
Part of my confidence has always come from being the youngest person in the room. I loved being a 16 year old moving away from home and going to college, and I loved moving to Shanghai and living on my own when other kids my age were just getting their degrees. It made me feel fancy.
That feeling slowly eased through my 20s, especially once I moved back to America. Now I am 30 and my life looks a lot like the lives of everyone else my age. It's a very good life. But I do feel like I've lost something that was special about me.
So I try to think of what I am gaining by no longer being a very young woman. I'm listened to more, definitely- people take what I say more seriously. I feel slightly less exhilarated and curious, but more solid, more confident. My skin is better! :)
I get less attention from a certain kind of man- 40s, married, dynamite in the sack. I get more attention from men in their 30s who are looking for friendship and love.
Actually, it sounds like it's pretty good to be 30. I think I can handle it... as long as I never turn 40! ;) |
|
|
|
|
Every time I see a Dom's profile talking about how he wants to "mold" a girl, or "fix" her, or help her "become a better person" it sort of freaks me out.
That's a therapist's job, and hers, and it requires a lot more than tying her up and jizzing on her face. It just does. And I have to suspect that any relationship involving one partner "fixing" the other isn't very healthy. People don't live in the real world that way.
But... it's possible I'm hiding from the fact that I don't believe there's a man alive smart enough or strong enough to really break me. To break me without just giving up and injuring me, I mean. To stay with me until I give up. I don't think I'll ever get to have that. |
|
|
|
|
Louis CK says a wonderful thing in his new stand-up tour that women get clingy and needy because they're not sexually satisfied. "If you'da fucked her right, she'd be like, 'thanks buddy zzzz!'"
That struck a serious chord with me. When I feel satisfied, which is another way of saying I feel secure, I don't need to talk to a guy a hundred times a day or worry about what he's doing when we're apart. It's only when I'm starving for affection in the first place that I go pawing around for more. |
|
|
|
|
I know I promised I wouldn't turn this journal into a whine cellar, but there's something I need to get off my chest: when a Dom's profile is six paragraphs of what "a sub" is supposed to be, it really dries up my vagina. It says absolutely nothing about who the man IS, and it doesn't even really adequately address what he WANTS.
I get very prickly when people try to tell me what is "supposed" to turn me on, what I'm "supposed" to want from a relationship. And if that's all you have in your profile, what am I "supposed" to be attracted to?
... okay, I'm done. ;) |
|
|
|
|
Dream last night of a rough brute pinning me down and putting his hands all over me. *sigh* |
|
|
|
|
I have the beginnings of a crush on a girl I work with. She's straight, or, at least, in a hetero relationship. And there is something very creepy about being into a girl who isn't into girls. I always feel like, if it were a guy I could flirt and it would be all right. But if it's a straight girl, you can't flirt. It makes me very self-conscious of my sexuality, as if it's a bad secret. |
|
|
|
|
Nothing turns me on more than a man showing off his plumage. "This is what I'm good at, this is what I offer you." It makes me straighten up my spine and swish my hips. |
|
|
|
|
how come some otherwise liberal, counter-culture people think Hustler is anti feminist?
i always thought it was the sort of think a punk would really love, but again and again i meet people who say it's misogynist. |
|
|
|
|
i had an opportunity to play with a friend this weekend. we've met about once a year since before I moved to China, and i've always considered this guy a really special treat. he has a GORGEOUS big heavy body with soft fur on his chest, and he's not into vaginal sex so I don't even have to worry about saying "no- remember? i said i don't like it?" a million times. we just have wild, very violent fun.
so he called, and... i don't know. i guess i just felt like i don't want casual sex right now. i definitely want VIOLENT sex, and i'm annoyed because it's been a while, but i just couldn't get hot thinking about seeing him casually again.
weird, right? i must be growing up. |
|
|
|
|
Like most women who own a shit-ton of makeup, I tend to wear the same chestnut eyeshadow, black mascara and rose lipstick every day. but last night i got myself an electric purple lipstick. it is opaque and shiny like vinyl. like a crayon. and i wore it today, it looked GORGEOUS and made me smile all day. and i got so many nice compliments.
:) |
|
|
|
|
in a world where most successful painters are still men, when did it become so rare to meet a man who paints for a hobby?
when did poetry become a ladies' hobby when, again, all the most famous and important writers are men?
it must be hard for american guys these days to like anything except video games. |
|
|
|
|
had a discussion with a guy friend recently about manicures. my feeling has always been that guys respond well to clean, painted nails but are not interested in much beyond classic colors.
how would you feel about a manicure that extends just a milimeter or two beyond the pads of the fingertips, creamy robin's egg blue with matte round brown sequins? speckly, you know?
does it seem interesting, silly, excessively feminine? |
|
|
|
|
pampering is satisfying for both parties because the pleasure that's produced is passively shared. like how if you clean the bathroom for your partner, you both benefit from a clean bathroom. if i give a man a massage, i am smelling and feeling the cream, enjoying the touch of someone i love.
so i totally get that.
and it mystifies me what Doms get out of impact play. i adore it, it is natural and obvious for me to adore it... but what's the appeal for the Dom?
shared this question with a friend who says he wonders the same thing about subs. :) |
|
|
|
|
Cosmo says (so, clearly, this is accurate shit) it's impossible for a single girl to get a date between the end of November and the 15th of February, because guys don't want to waste money on a gift unless the relationship is already established and they have to.
isn't that sad? i hate to think men think women have all the power, and women think men do, too.
|
|
|
|
|
i saw a video once involving a girl with blonde pigtails tied to a wooden frame with a post... okay, wait, think of it like this: she's on her knees, her head or upper back is resting against the narrow end of a thick beam, and her arms are pulled backwards & fastened to the beam. you know? and guys took turns fucking her mouth and playing with her nipples. ungh. it was fantastic. |
|
|
|
|
watched the excellent film Carnage recently. christoph waltz has a wonderful line about how men don't want intellectual, organized women, they want women who are "shot full of hormones". it's a beautiful line. very european sensibility, though. i can't imagine an american man saying that. it seems like the female ideal in the states skews closer to the masculine. think of megan fox talking about farts or cameron diaz lamenting that none of her boyfriends enjoy football as much as she does. also made me think of what richard o'brien said about american pinups: boys in drag with big tits.
am i wrong? |
|
|
|
|
watched Eastern Promises for about the dozenth time. men's bodies are so gorgeous. their legs, their hips. so unlike mine, unlike a woman's hips. men have great butts, too, and beautiful shoulders. athletic muscular bodies like viggo mortensen's are nice, but i like rounder ones better like ray winston. chinese men's slim bodies were fascinating but not particularly sexy. all the skin but alarmingly little fat.
the way a man dances when he feels good about himself, all shoulders, a proud gorilla. men's wolfen features when they laugh uncontrollably.
lovely creatures. |
|
|
|
|
i'm only just realizing how much i benefit from having a strict Master.
i am an only child and never needed to act up to get attention at school, but i've found with my sexual partners that i will run to the end of whatever leash i'm put on. and if i sense he is lenient, i can get very bratty and insulting.
an ex used to randomly stop picking up his phone for a week or longer. once i realized the pattern i started using the opportunity to play with friends instead. and it wasn't a question of loyalty, but resentment that a man who supposedly owned me would put me in a situation where i could have another guy's dick up my ass, and nobody would ever know. i saw his inattention as emasculating. a big, floppy, flaccid cock that couldn't control me.
so i guess i'll push on the edges of whatever cage i am put in, and therefore it's best if i have a very small, snug cage so i don't misbehave as much.
is that awful? is it ok? |
|
|
|
|
God help me, I have the WORST crush on Bobcat Goldthwait. I want to marry him. |
|
|
|
|
my poor coworker has been ranting about his ex-wife and how she done him wrong (they divorced 11 years ago) for the last three hours. getting red in the face, speaking too loudly, gesturing, spittling on his keyboard.
finally i scampered over to a doctor and said "you having any software issues? ... no? you sure?.... suuuper sure?"
and he got my drift and let me hide in his reading room.
yeeeeesh.
|
|
|
|
|
sometimes i think i wouldn't mind a genital piercing, like the teensiest thin gold ring in one of my labia minora. the smaller one, you know, maybe the extra stimulation would even them out.
but i could never get a clit piercing because i don't really have a clit hood, or enough of one to pierce. my clit is just always out, begging for attention, and then pouting because she's too sensitive to be touched. |
|
|
|
|
I still have the stuffed crocodile my first girlfriend gave me for our first christmas. I call him Sobek and he has travelled all over the world with me.
tom gave me a celtic knot pin and then went back to his wife. i don't even wear pins, but i look at it every day and think a happy thought about him.
after sam and i broke up, i played his CDs for friends & bragged how i used to love a punk boy in London and how he knew all the best music.
that's why you give gifts to people who love you. you might move to california, or you might turn into a dickface, but the gift will remind her forever that the love was real.
Merry Commercialized Christmas. :) |
|
|
|
|
Continuing the underthings theme of yesterday, this morning I'm going to spend my twelve precious minutes of quiet time talkin' bout underpants. Harry Connick, Jr. called them squirrel covers in Copycat, and I've always liked that name.
So. I read a lot of porn. Especially rape fantasies, and stuff that involves women getting their clothes cut off. And for years I've experienced the disappointment and slight genital drying that comes when an otherwise well-written story describes a sexy woman as wearing a button-down blouse, pencil skirt and a thong.
Here's the thing. You know what a button-down blouse is? It's a men's oxford shirt that buttons on the wrong side. You know how sexy women look wearing them? Unless they're Rene Russo, not very. If you've got any kind of tits, the stiff fabric stands up and away from them, making you look huge- interviews with Asia Carrera and Jenna Jameson trying to look professional confirm this. The other part of the ubiquitous sexy outfit is the thong. which... is fine, I guess. they're slutty-sexy and some people apparently wear them under tight pants. But aesthetically, I think we can do a lot better. The size of a thong means there's not much space for decoration, just color differentiation. I've always felt much sexier in underpants called cheekies. picture this: lace all around the front and hips, two little crests of lace at the back, she's covered up, but, ohh-ho-ho, the bottoms of her buttcheeks are sticking out. to me it satisfies that covered-up-but-sexy thing that arabic and asian women are so good at.
and who doesn't want to slice off a girly pair of panties? the girl in the thong won't even notice a temperature difference, but miss cheekycheeks will feel much more naked afterwards. |
|
|
|
|
Today, boys & girls, we're going to talk about bras! (Because I just bought two new ones.)
I was raised in a pretty open environment, and resisted the bra thing all through school. I might have owned one, but didn't start wearing them regularly until I moved to Spain and got molested constantly when I wasn't wearing one. So from 18 until 2009 I mostly wore the same beige or black minimizer.
my breasts have always been large but proportional, and they used to be kind of... like, there was a large space between them. then
I started taking birth control, and... all of a sudden, cleavage! where did that come from?! i went up a whole cup size, and i started to appreciate how different bras changed my silhouette. my sports bras and underwires give me very dense cleavage, while a soft-cup underwire gives me kind of shelfy, unnatural Lana Turner tits that I actually really like just because they're so offensive. Molded cups tend to make me look a little matronly, and those gorgeous balconettes with all the pretty lace cut my tits right in half no matter what size I wear. so sad!
i almost never go braless anymore, because the lift they give makes me look shapely, and i still bounce a little but it's not embarrassing.
and since i left godawful spain i only get molested when I beg for it. :)
|
|
|
|
|
Just woke up for a moment, full of that funny, fuzzy sense that all things are holy and special. comes most often in winter, it must be related to the hibernation instinct. it makes me want to stock a bed with good friends and sleep for days.
|
|
|
|
|
Yesterday I used the phrase "stereotype of bisexuality" but I didn't go much into detail. It's 4am and I have seven minutes before I need to start off to work, so while I'm sitting still for a moment let's tackle this nonsense.
The stereotype of the bisexual woman is that she wants to have a male and a female partner in her life at the same time. most commonly, she wants to fuck them both at the same time.
This has more to do with polyamory than bisexuality.
Being bisexual means you have enough interest in both sexes that they are both sexually appealing. it doesn't mean, for example, that I want to go to a bar and "find" a girl to share with my Master. I've been asked to do this so many times, and it never stops being baffling.
When did I become a girl who goes to bars in the first place, let alone knows how to pick up women? what bar are we talking about, exactly? the one full of femmey chicks who like 3ways? because i've never been there.
and speaking of femmey chicks, the next time a man tells me to go "find" a girl, i may actually do it, but bring home the kind of woman I actually find attractive. which is to say, a girl who looks like James Dean.
i guess it's a really common fantasy for men, tho. and women are so encouraged to participate in it. even the notion that people should "experiment" is baffling to me. i didn't need to experiment to know i liked men. attraction is about finding someone beautiful, liking how they smell, feeling confident in their presence, and wanting to be near them. licking pussy is an EXPRESSION of the attraction, not the source of the attraction.
... aaaand, off to work. |
|
|
|
|
Regarding my bisexuality, I tend to be attracted to women who identify as "soft butch" or butch. My earliest crushes and the girl I lost my virginity to fit that description.
there aren't many examples of soft butches in the media. maybe kristen schaal? but only because of her humor, actually she is very femme. leelee sobieski is the obvious example, or, yes, milla jovovich. not just because she is so athletic, but because there is something streamlined and androgynous about her face. signourney weaver. yes, i love her.
i do not desire bdsm sex of any kind with women. draw whatever conclusions you like from that! :) but it just doesn't make sense to me. i'm also very aware of the bisexual stereotype in western media, and it makes me uncomfortable. i find myself making sexual choices againt perpetuating the stereotype.
so, after all that effort, you see why i prefer men. |
|
|
|
|
Two of Picasso's women, Marie-Terese and Jaqueline, committed suicide when he left them. A third, Dora Maar, spent her life missing him and waiting for him to come back to her. Only one, Francoise Gilot, had her own career and friends, and only she had a full life and love after him.
I admit, I have a lot of Dora Maar in me. But I want to be more Francoise Gilot. |
|
|
|
|
I have a perfume that smells of clementine peels, osmanthus and vanilla. To get at it I uncork a heavy glass vial, slide out a metal tube, open the top of the tube and roll the perfume over my wrists with a little silver ball. The little ritual is soothing. I may be exhausted, I may be a little unkempt, but according to that teensy corner of my vanity table I am a princess.
The idea of a man brushing my hair, or bathing me, is so powerfully sexy. I would happily do the same for him, to worship him. and for him to do it to me would make me feel objectified in a precious and dainty way. Funny how the same act could mean different things. like how if a man goes down on me I feel very shy & vulnerable, but if i go down on him I don't expect him to feel that way at all. |
|
|
|
|
ungh, i waaaaant. i want so much. the buddha would laugh at me. i want, let's see, a sunny studio apartment with a bookshelf, a tub of the really good kimchi from the korean restaurant on rt 46 in new jersey, the Vice eyeshadow palette by Urban Decay... huh. i guess i only want three things.
maybe the Buddha would only smirk. |
|
|
|
|
Yesterday morning I met a doctor who will be in one of my classes, and was so attracted to him I could actually feel my labia and clit swelling. It ached. I was so overcome that I thought he was flirting with me, although he was probably just being polite and friendly.
it made me feel like a teenager, when falling in love was a totally self-centered force. every time we talk i look for "signs". it's nice to know i haven't outgrown that passion. |
|
|
|
|
I have a little list of things I like which fall under the category of "humiliating" to many people, but which to me feel either fun or adoring.
Giving my Dom a rimjob is one of those things. It feels as worshipful and loving as sucking his cock. Being called a slut, bitch or a whore is also just sexy. Even peeing in front of someone is fine. But something that might seem simple, wearing a leash, would be intolerably dehumanizing.
So I suppose I really don't enjoy humiliaton, but have an idiosyncratic definition of what is and isn't humiliating. |
|
|
|
|
*winces* I think I've had enough poorly-lit, blurry pictures of mustached men frowning at the camera from their recliners to last me the rest of my life. Don't men care about, you know, trying to attract women?
*deep breath* Sorry. I don't like to use this journal as a whine cellar. just... jesus. so many frowning mustaches! :( |
|
|
|
|
I've written before about how much I like giving head. Whether it's slow and worshipful or very, very rough, I love the feeling of my partner's cock in my mouth. But I recently watched some videos involving girls getting throat-fucked with long jelly dildos, and the idea really, really excited me. Not as a substitute or something better than a cock (I make no apologies that a dildo is better than a cock when it comes to vaginal sex) but just because of the LENGTH and how far down it can go. How I could fight back without worrying about hurting my partner. How his hand would be in a big fist around the shaft of the dildo. How fast he could make it move in and out of my throat. I really, really want to try that. |
|
|
|
|
just woke up from a frustrating dream involving gary oldman. the sensation of not being fucked hard enough to get satisfaction, even after begging "harder, harder". i have variations of that dream repeatedly, of being with someone who is unwilling to help me enjoy myself. or maybe the man is afraid to hurt me? thankfully if it happened in real life i would have the good sense to leave. |
|
|
|
|
Giant server meltdown at work today. Resulted in all my classes being cancelled, so I spent six hours embroidering an owl (plus two hours staring out the window, which is almost as badass).
I love kissing a man with a beard because once facial hair grows out it's so soft and tickly. I love how fur on a man's chest or arms is so, so soft and holds his scent. It's deliciously masculine and sexy. And even though I'll shave however my partner likes, I always feel much sexier and more female when I've got hair between my legs. So I guess it's okay if a guy really enjoys shaving his balls or whatever, but I don't like licking stubble.
|
|
|
|
|
Sensitive to noise today. am now in bed listening to nothing and loving that wooly silence that settles in your ears when a persistent noise stops.
POLYANDRY IS SO SEXY. how i'd love to be cuddled between two big fuzzy mantypes who are both satisfied to exhaustion by my libido. women are the ones who take a long time to cum & who have multiple orgasms, it makes sense for us to have two partners. plus, each guy would be 50% less burdened by any emotional nagginess.
but i know it's just a fantasy. maybe in my next life i'll be a cavewoman and i'll get to try it out. |
|
|
|
|
Reason # eleventy-twelve why i need a Master: sometimes I get so hungry for sensation and passion that I want to run out to the town square and get into a fight. better to channel that energy into getting flogged for an hour. |
|
|
|
|
uh-oh. my tummy is REALLY upset. :( times like these a girl wishes she had someone to comfort her.
what would happen if a 24/7 tpe 'slavepig' or whatever got the flu and needed to be nursed? or if her mother died? how would her Master deal with it? better yet, what if HE got the flu and needed someone to pamper him?
i've always prided myself on "not being materialistic" because cliche trappings of wealth like yuppie houses & cars don't appeal to me. in general my lifestyle is somewhere between bohemian and punk. but i have to admit, i love nail polish and stickers, i love owning lots of books. maybe i'm just as materialistic as everyone else. |
|
|
|
|
Coworker and I cracked each other up today making up fake porn website names. Best one was www.fistafish.com with the username up_my_halibutt69. Otherwise easygoing day.
It's astonishing how my sexuality keeps developing, even though I'm 28 and puberty is far behind me. A few years ago I thought I would never have a vaginal orgasm, but at some point in 2010 I suddenly started having them (with fingers and toys) and then having multiple orgasms.
Last year I thought the idea of calling a man 'Daddy' was weird, and it reminded me too much of my own father, who I adore but am not attracted to. Then I met someone for whom that name fit perfectly, and suddenly, it didn't feel weird anymore.
A few weeks ago I was looking for erotica containing lots of nipple torture/stimulation scenes, and I found a story about a woman who ends up getting attached to a milking machine on a dairy farm. Dehumanization and humiliation really upsets me (see my earlier post about dogs) but... I don't know, maybe because the farmers in those stories are usually very gentle and sweet. And the women are described as being in bliss. Anyway, I keep thinking about it.
I wonder what new things I'll learn about myself next year! :) |
|
|
|
|
Yeeee. I asked someone what his username meant, and he called me a bad name & yelled at me. *cowers*
Are there so many angry people on other dating sites? I wonder if men get mean at women because they think we have all the power & we're manipulating their boners. I know that when I feel embittered, I'll have thoughts like that, gender-reversed. "Guys get whatever they want and they're spoiled and mean." Maybe both sides think the other side has an unfair advantage.
Somehow I got away from watching porn for a few weeks, and then just now I went on boundgangbangs.com and, like... my EYES popped out of my head! It was like losing a caffeine tolerance and then drinking a bunch of red bull. I think I need to just go watch blowjob compilations on xhamster, and save the bound gangbangs for when i've desensitized myself a little. :) |
|
|
|
|
just woke up from a late nap (bad decision, i'll be up forever). dreamt a man was chasing me up a flight of stairs, wide & carpeted, and when he caught me he licked and gently bit me everywhere, even my cheeks and ears. he put his fingers in my mouth and breathed into my ear what he was going to do to me. i woke up disoriented, missing him, & came with barely any effort. |
|
|
|
|
New project at work started Monday and is proving to be a serious challenge. Nothing very sexy about a 14-hour day, is there? Maybe if I looked good in a pantsuit, I could rock the high-powered-lady-executive thing, but, ehhh. I look better in a dress than a blazer.
:)
Watched Incident On and Off a Mountain Road directed by Don Coscarelli, who is really, genuinely excellent at putting a movie together and setting up gorgeous shots. It made me wonder why he hasn't made more features. What does he do for money? He can't possibly live off the royalties to the Phantasm movies, and even if he does, why wouldn't he want to keep working? Does he direct commercials? Music videos? That's something I've always loved about Bruce Willis, he puts out like 5 movies a year. Benicio Del Toro doesn't even make movies anymore. I think prolific artists have more integrity than the J.D. Salingers and Harper Lees of the world.
|
|
|
|
|
Watching Dylan Moran's standup on youtube. Oh, God, he is so funny. Ohhhh, God.
I know I'm about three years too late to the party on this, but I watched The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo (the american one) today and it struck me that making Lisbeth's case worker a big handsome brute, and more than that turning the book's scene of sexual abuse into an explicit rape scene was... it was inappropriate. Because it took what is supposed to be disturbing and made it sexy. And that's not challenging to the audience, what it is is cheapening and dangerous. A man abusing a woman because he gets off on the pain is scary, but once he puts that condom on and actively has sex with her, it becomes something that a much wider audience of people will respond to. And that was the wrong direction to take that scene in.
.... I guess what I'm really saying is that scene turns me on.
Why, when we talk about bestiality, is it always dogs? With horses a close second, I guess, but mostly dogs? Is it the availability of the animal, or is it the humiliation factor? Because, I admit, in an alternate universe, I'd totally fuck an octopus or a tiger. But not a dog, for heaven's sake. Yuck. |
|
|
|
|
Oof, just woke up and can't get back to sleep. Had a grand Thanksgiving, got to play make-your-own-family with some friends who didn't want to go home this year.
Watched Return of Sabata and mewled over Lee Van Cleef, whose face is gorgeous but barely human. Have you ever seen a face like that in real life? Amazing.
Have been thinking a lot today about pulleys and different kinds of predicament bondage. I have very limited experience with it but I'm interested to try more. My legs are flexible, but I seem to pull muscles in my arms even when I'm just doing yoga, and tilting my head back for too long gives me a headache. I wouldn't be able to do a hogtie that incorporated my hair, for instance, because of it tilting my head back. |
|
|
|
|
Watched two classic horror films tonight, The Brood and Alice, Sweet Alice. I'd forgotten how amazingly gorgeous Oliver Reed was. Big giant sex machine. :)
|
|
|
|
|
The thing I love about coercion fantasies is that I finally have the freedom to express this natural skittishness that I have. I feel I have a very positive and healthy sexuality, but sometimes I'm as shy as a bunnyrabbit. But wiggling or pulling away can scare a man who doesn't understand how turned on I really am.
I love being able to say 'no' when only this tiny part of me means it, and then feeling my partner put that tiny part in its place and shut it up.
There's also a real appeal in seeing a man be so turned on that he is determined to keep me with him, stuck underneath him, because he absolutely has to have me. That makes me feel like the loveliest girl in the world.
|
|
|
|
|
The difference between a 24/7 BDSM relationship and a relationship between two people who have an active BDSM sex life is a little blurry to me. Do people in 24/7 relationships still get to go to the movies and hang out with friends on New Year's Eve? Do they have conversations about the books they read? Those things are as important to me as having great sex with my Dom. |
|
|
|
|
I think I identify more as a masochist than a submissive. With some partners I've been able to fall into a very, very comfortable pattern of submission. As easily as slipping into a warm bath, I could follow cues and commands. With other partners, I bristled and rebelled. That might just be an issue of personal chemistry, which is so delicate and unpredictable.
I know I love roughness and domination in my sex life. I also want to be able to express my natural 'girlishness' which can be hard in modern life. I used to live in Shanghai, where it's very normal for a woman to be a little girl. In America, it's all about sophistication and sexiness. Not that I don't love elegance, too, but bubbliness comes more easily. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
|
|
| |
| Age: 19 |
| Napier,
New Zealand |
|
|
|
| |
