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| Just starting.....well, again. Been out of the "active" lifestyle for awhile, but can't seem to get the lifestyle out of me. I will add more here as I go.
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It kind of scares me when I think back to the activities I engaged in and the positions that I was putting myself into. Although I never went anywhere alone, I was always with either my Master or another Dominant, I sought out danger.
I, unlike so many other submissives/slaves, was fortunate enough to have someone with me I trusted. That was never the problem with me. It was ME that I didn't trust.
When I met my first Master, the one who took me under his wing, trained me, molded me, and taught me how to let go and be who I needed from deep inside, I had never felt so alive. I not only learned more physical needs and wants, but also mental. I learned how to use pain for pleasure, how to take his desires and turn them into lusts for me. And I did this all while being a defiant little subbie...never going to completely 100% give in. I still have my "no one will break me" attitude. I even flaunted it.
Until that day came that I was broke. I broke on of His most important roles....honesty. I'm ashamed to admit it, but I did. But I did come clean and had a choice. Walk away, no longer being his slave, or accept punishment. Being the cocky little thing I was, I wasn't about to walk away, I would take the punishment and show Him. Yeah right.....
On the day of my punishment, I was scared but also full of attitude. He sat me down and explained to me how proud he was of me for not just walking away. He also made me explain to him what I did and why I did it and to state my case whether or not I should be punished.
When that was over, I was given three choices of tools to be used for my punishment. I thought I choose the lesser of three evils, but I was wrong. I accepted to receive 100 lashes with the crop, counting outloud each one. These were not little taps either. I will not break, he will not see me cry...I will not break, he will not break me.
Wrong again, number 75 I broke. He stopped allowing me to catch my breath, and I was hoping he would not continue...but he did. No words were spoken by him during this time, only the sound of my counting and sobs and tears were heard.
I couldn't sit for over a week. I had welts, broken skin, and more colors than the rainbow across my ass. That was the one and only time I was physically punished. Did I learn something? Sure.....Do I feel that physical punishment is appropriate? Still out with the jury on that one. Knowing how much I disappointed him, hurt him, and the look in his eyes was enough to almost kill me.
Since that time, I have not ever given reason to be physically punished again. I have been reprimanded.....but not physically punished.
I remained with this Master for a little more than a year until I moved out of town. We still keep in touch, and I have the utmost respect of him. He started my journey and has helped to guide me through it with his friendship and devotion to me. Even when I met others and my other Master...he was there, guiding, helping, teaching....even if just to tell me that "little one, you know what to do. You don't need me to tell you". |
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I was thinking last night about my very first BDSM experience. It was an exploration of things to come from a very polite, nice man. We talked for quite some time via email, then came the time to meet. I was so nervous, but he made all arrangements to make sure I felt safe and comfortable.
We met at a public restaurant, a nice one, ate a steak dinner and got to know each other. After dinner it was my choice if I wanted to go back to his place. There was no pressure and he gave me his Drivers license, home address, car tag number, and phone number and told me to call a friend of mine and give them all that information if I chose to follow him. And I did. His making sure I felt safe meant alot to me.
Back at his place, as soon as I opened my car door, everything changed. I was informed earlier that I would obey his rules (within my limits) if I chose to go back to his home. And strangely enough, it felt very comfortable to take orders, to follow directions. Although I had been doing "tasks" for him via email and the phone for a few months, this was new, exciting, and intriguing.
I followed him inside, sat on the floor at his right, head down and learned. As I said previously, it was an exploration. I was shown tools of the trade, experiencing each one slightly. Floggers, single tails, stocks, whips, violet wands, rope bondage, chain bondage, caging, knives, needles, forced masturbation in front of him, leather, leather, leather...ummmmm... Nothing was too intense, just a taste ... a tease that would lead to wanting more.
So much went on that evening. I was treated like a lady, a submissive, a slave. I was used, abused, teased, tormented, violated....nothing I didn't agree to, but nothing what I expected.
By the time I left, I was beautifully bruised and aching inside and out. He held true to his words that I could trust him and thus began my need for more. It was on my way home that I had this feeling of "hummmm, I showed him, I took what he gave and didn't break".
I swore...and also became a bit defiant about it, that I can't be broken. I would never let anyone break me down.....until the first time it happened...lol But that will be another story.
Good night and sweet dreams |
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I have had several ask me why I left the lifestyle. That is a question that I guess I have been afraid to answer. Afraid of what I'm not sure.
I was with a very loving, caring, strict, and knowledgeable Master. He was very much into all aspects of the lifestyle and therefor so was I. The more I learned, the more I wanted to learn. I know that isnt' a bad thing, to want to learn, but I found myself NEEDING to learn, not just experience something once or twice, but to become an expert at it. I wanted everyone to look at me with their mouths open in awe. I wanted to be the best.
Example, I tried knife play and it became something that I wanted to do again and again and again. More knives, more binds, longer sessions, deeper sub space. I have no idea if any of this is making sense, but everything I did, I sought out more. I became afraid of myself in general. I think...I know...I was out of control. I was learning about and doing things that I never thought I would and wanted more.
Then came the time that my Master didn't have the tools or knowledge to go to the next level and I didn't want to be the one used for learning. I wanted someone who knew what they were doing so I had no fears and with my Master's approval, he allowed it. But I guess that still wasn't enough for me. I would become irritated when he would try something because it wouldn't put me in the state of mind I was craving. As his slave, I should have not been this way, I know that. But I couldn't stop.
A little flogging, a bit of spanking, ice cubes, bondage....some of it became "vanilla" to me. Those were just the warm-ups in my mind to get me ready for the real thing. To get me into that space that I so desperately craved so I could take more. I found myself taking risks that no submissive should just to find someone with expertise in a certain area so I could reach my high.
Then there was an unfortunate "family" matter that put me into a depression and I went even deeper. I called off my relationship with my Master, pushing him away when I really did need him and spent a short time in what I call sub hell.
I am not sure what changed in my mind, but I knew I had to stop. I was going to be seriously hurt emotionally and physically if I didn't so I quit. I pulled away from everyone and every aspect of the lifestyle. Even pulled away from vanilla life as well.
I think I said previously that I had been away for 2 years, but it is more like 3 and why I've come back......I'm not sure. I feel I'm missing something. I feel the need to not be incontrol of something in my life again, but I am cautious. I do not want to lose myself again.
Thanks for reading, hopefully understanding. I am being as honest as I can here.
Good night for now. |
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I remember when I first began my quest. I spent many hours/months just looking online at various sites before I ever posted a profile. After my first profile post, I was flooded with emails. At first I was flattered, but then I came to realize that there are alot fewer "real" Dominants than there are just men wanting to beat up on women. I believe that true Domination comes from within, not how many women they can bring to their knees crying.
I also realized that a true submissive/slave doesn't cry from pain, but from the release of emotions that comes from pleasing their Dominant.
I have been brought to my knees in tears by both situations. Learning that just being brought to tears from pain isn't what I was seeking. Yet when the feelings of accomplishment, pride, security, trust, and completely relinguish of control are present...the tears are not of pain, but devotion.
Don't get me wrong, I have spent time with Dominants "just for fun" and enjoyed myself. Just to see how far I could go. But to spend time with a "Master", someone who understands the submissive/slave and has built a level of trust where there can be a "no hard limit" boundary...(because she knows that she can trust Him completely)...it so different.
When I think back to the situations I have been in, I don't regret a single one. Those situations have made me who I am today and taught me lessons as well. I can honestly say as I recount my time as a submissive and slave, that not one Dominant isn't still a friend. I don't believe in "one timers". To be able to give yourself to the point of submitting to one, you have to trust and build a bond.
Thank you for reading and those who are true, I know you understand and I look forward to getting to know You. |
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Well, I guess I'm starting again. It has been about 2 years away from living the way I think I was meant to live. I think it is fear that has kept me away, but my inner self has pulled me back again.
I'm not sure what to expect, I'm cautious and skeptical, but really feel that what I desire, what I need is out there.
My fears jaded me and reality caused me to lose who I was. In finding myself again, I find myself here....searching. I miss the conversations, the challenges, the rules, the direction, the admiration.
It was eight years ago that I took the first step into this journey of my path choosen for me. It was as if I was born into this role. I felt alive and whole. I met some very incredible people. Most of whom I have the utmost respect for. My first Master, who is still a very dear and close friend, taught me so much, took me in as a complete newbe, trained me, and become my closest friend, lover, and Master. Through Him, I grew and became who I am.
I will update my journal, telling of my past as I start this journey all over again. |
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