lovemebreakme

I finally have internet again now that my power outlets at home work.  It is kind of hard replying to emails/posting journal entries through my iphone. 

It was weird, this morning I was thinking how long it has been since we had a thunderstorm.  The thought of one was very comforting and I got a little giddy thinking about it in the shower.  I was shocked when someone told me it was pouring down rain outside. 

In a day and a half I get 16 days off work which I'm semi-excited about.  I will be happy to use this time to catch up on work, do things I have been putting off, gaming, and cleaning up the house.  Holidays are hard for me when it comes to being alone.  Since this Christmas is no different than the last.. I don't know.. 12... I am not exactly on pins and needles waiting on Santa Claus... unless he's going to drop a Dom down my chimney.  That's impossible anyways because I don't even have a chimney.  I feel like I'm waiting with my eyes squinted for someone to pull a bandaid off very slowly... while I'm thinking "this is going to hurt' over and over again in my head.  

I wish I was stronger than needing an outlet for the little depressing thoughts in my heart.  Yes.. heart... my head is much more logical than the little girl who cries in the bathtub when the loneliness is just too much to bear.  I should be able to stop feeling this way, but I never figured out how.  I never figured out how to be 100 percent happy without you around.  I never figured out how to stop thinking about you.  And I don't even know who the hell you are!  That's the ridiculous part. 

I have a pile full of fantasy/bdsm books I could lose myself in over the next few weeks and they bring me some comfort.  That's usually because they make me believe for a few hours that fantasies actually come true and that something ultimately romantic and amazing will walk through my door any moment, or bump into me at the supermarket. 

*Sigh*  I'd say shame on the creators of fiction, but they give girls something to hope for.  An escape from the real world for just a little while... just until I can fall asleep and start a new day.  Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow.  Maybe I'll meet you tomorrow. 

Okay Future Daddy... I'm going to stop tearing up and go to bed even before my bedtime (how good am I) ^_^  Oh!  I decorated a Gingerbread house for the first time today, it was fun, and pretty. 

Merry Christmas.

Love-me

Dear Mr. Takes Forever,

The little girl in me would like to ask that people consider not leading others on.  I know it's a long shot on a website like this and I'm probably talking to a wall, but I'm a very hopeful little submissive trying to find someone in a small sea of Dominant men.  When you tell me that you are interested and you constantly email me, or even exchange numbers with me, then you disappear off the face of the planet, it hurts.  Even if it's just a little bit.  The idea and opportunity of getting to know someone's dominant side is a privilege and a real treat for me, dangling it in front of me then ripping it away is somewhat cruel.

That's all. 

Dear Mr. Takes Forever,

I have recently started experimenting with Daddy/girl play.  The idea of being able to call you Daddy one day.. excites me way more than I ever thought possible.  I want to bury my head in your chest after you use my body to the point of exhaustion. 

I'm not sure if my mind and body are going through a change of some kind because my dreams/sexual thoughts are different than they've been before.  I see a lot more intensity involved in my relationship with someone else (remember.. I was a vanilla kitty for several recent years), and my relationship also involving someone else.  I had these thoughts a long time ago, when considering getting a pet of my own.  However this time it's different, for the first time ever I'm considering it attractive, the thought of being dominated by another woman.  Or being a pet to a couple.  It's a weird concept to me... wanting to venture blindly into the unknown.

I've been afraid of things my entire life, electrical play, fire play, playing with others, playing in front of people, being pushed past orgasm... you name it, I was probably afraid of it at some point.  I was afraid to ask to be pushed or asked to be played with.  Now I feel like a moth to the flame and I just hope I do this safely so I'm in one piece physically and emotionally by the time you get your hands on me.

Purr... the thought of your hands on me makes my thighs feel hot with want.

Love you already...

and eagerly waiting for my chocolate cake...

-Your little kitty

Dear Mr. Takes Forever,

I am currently still experiencing a little episode of sub-drop from playing this weekend.  I keep thinking about how wonderful it was to have warm arms wrapped around me, and someone gently kissing my head.  I'm not usually one who is interested in being coddled and cared for like this.  I can't help but miss it a little.  That's especially true when something hits the underside of my bruises and my lips part in a gasp, sending a pleasurably calm yet dark sensation throughout my body.  It's like I'm transported back into submissiveness right in the middle of a crowded room.  Sometimes I find myself smiling, like I am privileged to a secret no one else knows. I have to take a second to shake myself back to reality.  I remember being tucked into bed and I felt safe/secure knowing I'd be contacted sometime during the day.  I'm not sure why that is so comforting and why bedtime seems to be one of those times I need comfort the most. 
 

I wanted to get a lot of work done after school, but I was too exhausted and fell asleep on the couch.  I wonder if when I'm with you, I will be much more efficient.  I realized that the behavior modifications I had been making this entire year had been a substitution of not having you.  I wanted to extend that feeling I get when I get better as a person and make changes I can be proud of... and I was tired of waiting for a man to help me with that. 

I want you to help make me a better person and submissive, but for now I'll continue to grow on my own too. 

Goodnight Sir.

-Kitten.

Dear Sir,

What is with all the impatience I've seen lately on collarme? 

If I don't get back to you right away it's because I have someone else in my life that is more pertinent than responding to a stranger's email.  If I don't get back to you the next day, it's because the same still applies.  Your rudeness, will not attract me.

Submissive or not.. I deserve respect when getting to know someone just as you would ask of me.  I have tried to be fair and even respond to people I have no interest in getting to know, but this kind of behavior makes me think otherwise. 

End of Rant.

Much love,

Kitten

Purr...

I can't sleep.  I'm bouncing all over the apartment after seeing the new Twilight movie.  Say what you want, the movie made me happy and a little turned on.  I've been bouncing every since which is great during daylight hours, but at 2:30 in the morning there is no one to talk to and everything is closed.

I'm researching CBT or cognitive behavior therapy again.  I miss learning about psychology and really need to consider going back to school.  I'm not sure I have what it takes to go for my doctorate considering I hate school and writing papers.  Althought being chained to the kitchen table by my ankles so I couldn't do anything but work, was a fond memory. 

So it's 2:30 in the morning and I'm filling out thought analysis sheets and eating grapes.  People sometimes don't have a sense of humor... I can see when you look at my profile, everyone can do this.  But when I casually say 'hello there.. I can see you' it's a rational response to someone who peeks their way into my life.  To me... you are some stranger who opened my front door, poked their head in to see if they were attracted to me, then closed the door.   

Anyways... my puppy is upset that I have not gone to bed yet, but I can only lay there for so long thinking before I get bored.  If CBT didn't put me asleep, I feel like I'm out of luck tonight.  Ho Hum....

-Love you.

Dear He who drags his feet,

Today I needed you most of all.  I suspect I'm having a mild case of sub-drop after a play session.  It's not a big deal, but it was hard facing the day not knowing when I may feel that comfortable place beneath someone again.

For years I seemed to have forgotten what it was like to exist below someone else.  I yearn for those exact moments of helplessness and wish they would last longer than they do.  It seems like seconds and then it is all just whisked away from me again.  I am at home there.  My thoughts are clear, my mind is not rambling breathlessly making a fool of itself.  My body is satisfied and content. My mouth is shut.

I do not wish to be a bedroom submissive to you when I meet you.  I want to live one step below you for the rest of my life, in all things.  I hope this satisfies you. 

Love always,

Kitten.

Dear Sir who takes forever...

I've gotten several comments about how my writings to you seem sad.  I realized I seem to only sit down and write to you when I feel like I'm lonely or down.   I don't go about life dragging my feet and hanging my head because you aren't around.  I'm usually pretty chipper and a little too childish.  ^_^

I figured I'd pass you  happy Election day message.  I'm happy with the Country's choice on who should help lead America the next four years.  We'll see what happens. 

On a completely different note, I'm starting to find new friends on Steam which makes me happy.  I love co-op gaming and I'm very happy to find more opportunities to indulge in it.  I also have been indulging in a  lot of chocolate... I brought cake balls, hot chocolate, and a chocolate bar at the store.  Oh... and mini- microwave chocolate cakes.  Whoopsie. >.<

-Love Me.

Dear Mister Takes Forever,

I'm one of those girls who takes themselves out on dates and ponders while observing others around her.  I also wonder who I'm going to be when I'm older.  Am I going to be in the older couple, who look like they were built for each other, or the older woman dining with friends over cocktails.  I do hope I'm not the one who still dines alone whose hopeful look has turned hard over the years.  There is still hope in these eyes and whether or not that is naive is up for debate.  The truth is... I like believing there is good in the world and that fairy tale endings exist. 

Last night I did a cleansing of my soul and watched a movie that I cried most of the way through.  It was pretty predictable, but it was a good story called "The Christmas Shoes."  Anyways, that was after pampering myself over dinner and a trip to Target to indulge in goodies for me such as a cute little shirt that says "Stay Calm and Shoot Zombies" with blood splattered on it.  Nerdette at heart... I can't really warn you enough.

It's hard for me to believe that it's already approaching Thanksgiving.  I'm not prepared for the Holidays yet.. I was kind of hoping I'd be dating someone by this time.  I suppose that's what happens when you're a picky girl with so many complications.  I just wanted to be treated like an object and then an hour later like a princess... is that too much to ask for in life?  My body picked that to be turned on by.. I didn't really get a say in it.  It would be so much easier to find a 'nice vanilla man' to love and marry someday... but no... I had to go and be one hell of a kinky kitty.  Shame on me. 

^_^ Love you even though you're making me spend the holidays without you again. 

I'm dangling my legs over the bathroom counter, softly kicking my ankles back and forth pondering what in the world you have going through your mind.  You told me to put on a dress, my kitty ears, and a tail.  You also said to use the facilities now and that is what leaves me waiting, going out of my mind with curiousity.  I hear you banging around a little and wonder what kind of a mess you're making. 

Just then the door swings open and you wrap your arms around me, pulling me into a kiss before placing a blindfold around my eyes.  I'm led into what seems like the living room and lowered onto something soft on the floor.  A collar is buckled around my neck and something is attached to the D-ring on the front of it.  My mind is starting to travel further down the submissive rabbit hole as I can feel you start to wrap rope around my wrists. 

When my wrists are tied, they're pushed above my head and it's like you lose the will to go slow anymore.  I feel your nails tear up my inner thigh and pull my dress up my body to expose my breasts.  Your mouth sinks over my left nipple while I feel your free hand tamper with your zipper.  Before I can make more than a few cries your hand is free to grab my hair as you push your way into me.  I try shaking my head in protest to get you to slow down, but you push harder and slam into me this time causing me to cry out in a little fit of pain.  My body is picked up so my legs wrap around you and you push me further and further into a sublime mix between pain and pleasure.  Soon your body trembles as you release into me and I feel plesantly used as a way to satisfy you. 

I'm thinking... you're done.  However you turn me on my side and wrap your arms around me to hold me place as one hand travels to my nipples and the other my lower lips.  You know just how to manipulate my lower body so I'm rocking with zolts of pleasure.  Your teeth bite into my neck and you deliver a firm slap to my bottom to send a wave of pain down between my legs.  It's not long before I cry out in ectasy and my body goes limp against you.  I feel you kiss my neck and stroke my hair, then after a few minutes of rest you remove my blindfold.

I can make out that I'm on my mattress pad on the floor.  My eyes are a little blurry while I look around to see the ps3 controller laying in front of me.  The TV and console are on the start screen for the game I've been playing recently.  A glass of water sits nearby too.  Your hands start to untie my wrists and you push on my chin so I'm looking at you.  "You are to enjoy yourself, but not leave without my permission.  Today you are my house cat."  I look down to see what my neck is chained to, and it leads to a chain wrapped around the leg of my entertainment system. 

Purr..

Monday October 22, 2012

Dear He who takes forever,

Today was so depressing before 9 am that I did not even finish the work day.  I was sick in two different ways and I just couldn't face the responsibilities of caring for others today. 

I feel I owe you an apology. Recently an offer came up to forget all about how lonely it can be without you sometimes. It felt like a relief of pain pill... and I took it, over and over again. Suddenly I didn't find myself writing you all the time and scrolling through dating websites for hopes of late night conversations.

I forgot... that you weren't here for awhile. I'm sorry. I always felt it in the back of my mind, but when you're swept up in sex and fantasies that let you escape loneliness and responsibilities... it's hard to go back and face the music.

I needed to not feel broken anymore when it comes to sex. I needed to know my body could work like everyond else's.  I found that when sex isn't vanilla.. I'm actually excited and everything works like it should.  I'm relieved it wasn' t just me... but now I know the dating pool is forever limited for me.  I'm sorry I took the easy way out for awhile, but it was fun and I don't regret it.

I love you... and it's hard not having you in my life right now. I needed you to be here to catch me when I fall, and I keep having to pick myself back up and brace my back against the wall. Tell myself it will be okay without you. I can do it... but frankly I just don't fucking want to anymore.

It's intriguing to me how I'm well aware that the world around me is trying to devour me into a depressive state.  I get to make a very important decision at that time, to be a baby about it and probably cry myself to sleep at night, or put on my big girl panties and deal with it.  Today... I will lose the fight because sometimes you need to cry. 

Tuesday October 23, 2012

I've had enough of being sad... one day was more than I care to handle.  Big girl panties .... where are you?

Thursday October 25, 2012

I miss nights like tonight.  Friends, dinner, fun and energetic attitudes.  I came into my apartment alone feeling satisfied for the first time in awhile.  That's not to say I don't miss you, I do. 

I always believe things happen for a reason.  My best friend helped me sort through some feelings and put things into perspective.  I think my last relationship happened to me so that I could learn to be independent.  I believe the new sexual interest happened to me for two reasons.  1) To hep me get over the last one by showing me better sex existed.  It also showed me how I want to be treated as a person, a lover, and a woman.  I've let people in my past give me less than I deserved and I've been less inclined to put up with it this past year.  Hence why I'm still single >.<

2) To help me learn to be vulnerable.  I'm well on my way to finding a middle ground between independence and vulnerability (possibly neediness).  Independent me vs. Dependent me... battling it out in my brain cavity. 

I hope this puts me where I need to be in live to have a mature relationship next time.  Hopefully with you... Alwyas hopeful. 

-Love always.

September 29^th 2012,

Mission:

Take a relaxing bath

Orgasm… twice

Play a video game.  Not picky as to which although I feel another run of Persona 4 coming on… still. 

Mission: Almost accomplished.  The bath was great although I am losing my virtual Tichu game on the iPhone.  Then the orgasms were great so no complaint there.  J

After I’m done rambling here I plan on moving into Borderlands 2 to see what all the fuss is about, and then probably give that up and move to Mass Effect 3 finally. 

That’s not the point; the point is I’m sitting here in my pajamas writing you who does not exist again.  I’m not sad… in fact I just ate chocolate cake and ate On the Border earlier… that’s a virtually impossibility.  I am however… content.  And frankly that’s a little weird for me considering it’s a Saturday night and I can’t stop thinking about sex.  I keep lying in bed without clothes just feeling the sensations on my skin from blankets, my hands, or vibrating objects of innocence I find sitting around.  Before long I’m dissecting the rhythm in songs that I’m getting lost in, and I’m perfectly serene… yet I still think about you.   I’d prefer to have sex with you and curl up next to you while I’m smiling like an idiot from physical exhaustion.  But I’m okay without you. 

I haven’t sat down to write you in a while because I’ve been overwhelmed at work.  I never forgot about you, but this whole being independent thing confuses me sometimes.  Sometimes all I want is to be around someone else, touch them, and then I have a competing duality of ‘no… I want to be alone’.  I’m not used to this, and I can’t filter what is true and what is not.  Except that I want sex… that’s a certainty.  It has just been so disappointing this past year that I don’t even know if I want to take the risk anymore.  The last guy texted me to tell me he’s sorry he hasn’t come back to ‘finish’ what he started.  Yet… is he here… no… and that’s all I care about.  Words mean nothing to me in their regard…. You know that.

Lately I have found myself talking about my past, bondage, and pain.  Tonight I had to inflict some in order to get the result I wanted.  Then I took a long hard look at some of my bondage equipment.  I keep sweeping a large part of my sexuality under the rug and it takes a lot for me to admit that I miss it.  When someone used to hurt me, I could think clearly.  My head was not jumbled with over analytical bull that constantly wears me out every day.  When I could put myself in someone else’s hands, I could let go and be free for a small bit of time.  And that used to mean the world to me.

When my mood was altered by a single touch or look and the person would know exactly what triggers to pull to get me where they wanted me to be.  And when I got the wild hair to try an escape someone always forced me back into my place.  I miss it so much I’m activating my own triggers lately, pulling my hair, scratching my palms, etc.

….. Okay I’m going to push this energy into something else.  Just know I love your incredibly slow butt. 

Any day now baby…

Dear He who takes forever,

You are out of my reach still and I miss you terribly tonight. 

I wonder often when I'm at the grocery store or a restaurant, if I'll see you come around the aisle any second now.  It's silly, because I don't expect for you to fall in love instantly and sweep me off my feet.  It would be nice though... to go to the store for some eggs and bring home the love of my life.

Yeah yeah... chick flicks.  How did you know?

Dear Mr. Takes Forever,

For awhile now I feel like I've been standing in the middle of a street.  To the left is a vanilla with kink lifestyle and to the right is full blown bdsm relationships.  I don't know which way to turn and am a little afraid of both. 

I'm afraid vanilla with kink will not be hard enough for me, the sex will not be rough enough, and I will not feel that deeper connection I yearn for.  But since I've been single, I've worked so hard on becoming independent and happy alone.  I have gotten so used to doing things my way and I'm worried I'll become suffocated or unhappy when someone changes that for me.

I feel comfortable, right in the middle of the street, not making a decision.  When you get here, I hope we can make that decision together. 

The last few weeks have been troubling for me because work has been so busy.  When I get a moment to breathe, I sometimes think about you.... and I'm sorry baby, but it makes me a little sad.  I'm sad it's not you I run into at the supermarket, and it's not you who sits down at the table beside me.  I keep waiting for some man to randomly change my life and instead I usually go home and watch a chick flick while I cry because I really believe that kind of romance can exist.  Silly I know... I'm not sure why it's so important to me.  I just don't feel 100 percent whole without you, and I think it would add so much to both our lives. 

I feel like I'm pushed up against the wall at work and I just can't get things done fast enough.  I'm dreaming about a man I can't have and about being ashamed of my sex life.   The only comfort anyone ever has is 'you'll find someone someday'.... that's not comfort.  Or "you'll find it when you stop looking"..  the only thing I find when I stop looking is a penny. 

I'm not like so many other women and society has made that very clear to me in how they react to my looks and my decisions regarding this lifestyle.   I constantly get mistaken for 18-21 years of age and asked questions like "wait, you're the one in charge?" because people judge books by their cover.  I'm a very cute book damnit... 

On a side note... I went out every night this weekend and had fun singing at a piano bar then learning how to play Pinochle, which was awesome.  ^_^

Too bad you weren't there... sex would have been amazing.  Kitty wants to learn how to orgasm during intercourse and how to do the cowgirl in reverse.  Purr...

Dear Mister Drags his feet in the mud....

 You seriously need to be here to punish me.  I've sat at the kitchen table all day to 'work' and I've done... pretty much nothing but watch tv, look up recipes, and make salsa.  I miss the days of having my leg cuffed to the table to prevent any further procrastination attempts.

Speaking of procrastination attempts, what the hell do you think this is? 

I know... I know... I'm going.

Purr. 

Dear Mr. Takes Forever,

Tonight I turned to wedding shows and 'The Little Princess' for company.  It was ridiculously girly and somewhat childish of me.  After crying like an idiot curled up with the dog, I chased those films with Rock-a-doodle.  

Anyways, I'm sure you're wondering why I'm such a glutton for emotional punishment, but I'm not.  This type of crying makes me feel good, and it gives me something good to believe in.  For awhile it makes me feel like you're really out there and the world hasn't completely gone to hell.  

It's a good feeling, I just wish I could wake you up from your sleep and nuzzle you to show you just how much you mean to me.  One of these days I want to marry you and stream tears down my face because I can't believe it actually happened.  I want to remember everyday, not to take you for granted. 

I'm overwhelmed sometimes by how much love I have built up.  If the key fits I'm afraid it'll spill out all over the floor and you'll think I'm crazy.  >.<  I'm not... I'm just built for love.  I'm meant to help make someone happy and to be tied to someone who makes me feel amazing. 

That's just the way I was created.  Molded just for you. 

I'm obviously too emotional since I'm sniffling like a child.  Maybe next time I'll just stick with animation.  ^_^

Anyday now baby...

Dear Sir who takes forever,

If you grasped that subtlety then you realize what kind of a mood I’m in.  The gaming marathon ended, and I had a great time as usual with sparks of unwanted jealous appearing randomly.  I can’t help but wish I was able to look up at you, grinning like a school girl while you have your ass handed to you playing Catan or I’m eating you in the night during Ultimate werewolf.  If you don’t know what these games are, you will, because I will beat you at them.  ^_^

I have to be at work at 9am, but it’s now 4 in the morning, and I cannot seem to put myself to sleep.  I stayed up reading book two of Mr. Gray’s exciting adventures into vanilla-ness.  By the way baby… I make up words, do try to keep up.  When I read this story I get lost in it and become incredibly happy.  Swimming in what it would be like to have a relationship like that, where two people are so connected it hurts not to touch each other.  Purr….

I did realize what part of my problem is regarding not being attracted to men.  I keep waiting for that feeling, that electricity I get when something really grabs ahold of me.  I only feel it for music now, like I always have.  Music has a way of reaching inside of me and pulling out every piece of sensual and sexual and then drags it to the surface.  I drown in it, fighting to breathe and remember that there is a real world out there I have to go live in.  When I was a teenager, I would go sit in the Lizard Lounge and just feel the bass beat into my heart, forgetting everything else around me.  When a man cannot make me feel this way, even remotely, I write him off.  Because I know it can happen, I’ve experienced it, and I’m still waiting for better to come along.  You’re better and this is the only for sure way I know how to find you.  The way you make me come alive will let me know it’s you… and then I’ll never be able to look back because nothing will surpass you.   

I do hope you get some pleasure from reading these, to know that before you came into my life, I fantasized about you relentlessly. 

I’m not sure if I can keep all this pent up sexual desire under control until you get here.  I’m trying… but sometimes I get offers that seem tempting in the fleeting moment I have them. 

Which makes me wonder, do you get jealous?  A little possessiveness never hurt anyone, and I find it to be an extreme turn on. 

Perhaps I should stop yapping at you and go to bed.  Although I’ll point out, if you were in my bed, I’d have no energy left to have this daunting conversation.  You brought this rambling on yourself and anyone who reads it.  Shame on you…

Perhaps someone should be punished.  I just might be willing to take the bullet for you. 

Love and Lust,

Kinky Kat

To Sir, With love,

Tonight was night 2 of the board gaming marathon for me.  It is 5 am, and I’m just now going to crawl into bed.  Puppy is not here, so I’m a little more lonely than usual tonight.   I had a great time, and learned three new games (Vegas Showdown, Carcassonne, and Evo.  I hope to learn Tichu and Mansions of Madness tomorrow.  Maybe even Nuns on the Run, which I brought tonight. 

I hate to admit it, but I’m sad driving back home, because I know I’ll be going to be alone.  If my libido was different, if I wanted sex less, I bet I’d be better off.  Being single around other single, attractive men, makes me feel like my vagina is beating so loud everyone around me can hear it.  Then I have to worry if it is going to sprout teeth and devour the man whole.  I’m not sure what it’s like for men, but if I could just turn my body and mind off of sex, I probably wouldn’t write you as often.  ^_^  You have no idea what you’re getting yourself into.

As always, I heart you stranger…

Dear Mr. Takes Forever…

Today was rather boring for me.  I sprawled out in bed, hanging onto dreams and when they were gone; I turned over and made some new ones.  I went to dinner with a friend and let off some steam blasting country music out my windows while we ventured to a novelty store. 

I enjoyed looking at all the different items they have for sale there, but I could only wish I had someone to share them with.  I settled for some bath salts and lip balm in lieu of excitement.  We’ll have plenty of that someday, I know, I just wish that someday was today.  

You can’t blame me, for wanting you now.  I’ve wanted you all my life and I’m so tired of waiting baby.

I watched Fever Pitch and Up while cleaning out dresser drawers and my closet.  I looked up board games that might interest me, and browsed numerous websites full of nerdy jewelry.  There is a mass effect bracelet, x box button earrings, and resident evil virus necklace that I want now.  Since you’re the man of my dreams, you would find them very attractive. 

Since I’m not internet dating anymore, I have to admit I’m a little sad that I don’t have that social aspect in my life right now.  Granted it has only been about a week since I had a date, but I was spoiled!  It’s been much longer than that since I had good sex, and well, quite frankly that bothers me more.

Where ever you are; you could be here, loving me tonight. 

I know… “Any day now baby”

-Purring for you.

Dear Mr. Takes Forever,

You missed a party at my place tonight.  I made fruit punch, banana pepper dip, guacamole hummus, and salsa.  Two of the four were pretty good.  I really enjoyed relaxing with people I care a lot about.

I flirted with someone who tunes into the submissive in me.  That’s all he really tunes into, but it’s refreshing to let some of that flirtatious energy go.  I do not seem to have many opportunities. 

Somehow I always end up in a serious conversation late at night, and tonight the subject of breast enhancements came up in regards to me.  Yes, I know I’m small chested, there is not a day in my life I’m not aware of what I look like.  I just have a hard time believing that God created me the way he did, so that I could change it.  I try to convince myself to have faith in what he’s given me, and that it will lead me down the right path.  The only reason I’d ever consider a cosmetic surgery is if I tried other methods first, such as losing the excess weight.  Even then, I’m not entirely sure.

I thought about you tonight.  About being able to crawl in bed with you after a great night like this, and nuzzle you until we fall asleep.

Any day now baby…

-With Love

Dear Mr. Takes Forever,

I just finished reading a book about a dashing and dangerously dominant man.  The ending was horribly disappointing, but I’ve never been more turned on by a book in my life.   Please let me explain.

I’ve always wondered if the kind of relationship I wanted could even exist.  If dominance and submission could leak into every aspect of our everyday lives, and if so, can it work?  I am comforted by this book because it shows me that someone is like-minded, and not only are they like-minded, but they put it into words and it’s been purchased by people across the country.

 I’ve always felt like the dating pool for dominant men has been shallow, especially where I live.  I’ve always felt somewhat alone when it comes to men because I never feel like they ‘get me’ and understand how they can affect my entire body by just using their words or tone of voice.  Now I don’t feel so ridiculous to sticking to my ideals regarding finding you.  

Someone I dated recently asked me “Do you need to feel dominated to be happy?”

My only reply could ever possibly be “of course.”

“Is the sexual side of the relationship really that important to you?”

My only reply could ever possibly be “yes.” 

“Then you’ll be alone for a long time.”  And he was gone, and I had to fight to defend my ideal desires yet again in my head. 

Never fear… I know you’re worth it and we haven’t even laid eyes on each other.  (or so I think)

Tonight was a night I didn’t need you, but I was comforted by the idea of you.  Any day now baby…

-With Love

Dear Mr. Takes Forever,

Tonight my bed is empty because you're still wandering around trying to find me.  I'll know you when I see you, just like I know who you're not when I see so many other men.  I'm aching for a touch, a scratch, and a kiss from a real man. 

My biggest pet peeve are the men I find who I think are a good match... and will talk to me/text me/email me/arrange to meet, etc.  Then they disappear off the face of the earth.  I'm not here as a rebound or a way to get yourself through a depressive episode.  I'm a real person, with feelings, hopes, dreams, and I'd appreciate if you wouldn't lead me down the road to disappointment.  I've been there plenty of times, so just skip over my profile, and stay out of my life.  I'm looking for the real thing... my man, my baby, the person who will take his woman like she craves to be taken. 

You're no coward, you're powerful, and assertive.  Yet you treat me so sweetly like a princess.  You can call me kitten, baby girl, honey, pet, it doesn't matter to me.   I'll be all of those things and more for you.  Why does this have to be so hard?  I know I'll appreciate you more when I find you, but I can't help but want you now.  When you find me, please don't let me go.  Chain me to your heart forever because that's where I belong. 

Love,

Kitten

Dear Mr. Takes Forever,

I'm mad at you... Mr. man of my dreams.  You've taken your sweet time venturing into my life and right now I'm aching to have you around.  How much longer will I have to wait before you come and fill in some of the gaps I have in my heart?  Sure, I'm fine without you, but that doesn't mean I want to live without you forever. 

Life would be more adventurous, fulfilling, and sensual if you were in it.  I'd feel a great satisfaction everytime I picked up the phone and you were on the other end, or each time you put me to bed so sweetly. 

Just to let you know I expect cake and mexican food when you come into my life.  It's the least you can do... making me wait this long.  You're probably wasting your time with someone else just like I did.  While my body has to wait for you to corrupt, molest, and ruin it.  Let's stop playing hide and seek among the virtual and physical world.  I'm right here, waiting on  you to take me home. 

Come on baby... find me.  Kitty wants to play. 

Mere Depiction

My looks contradict my actions
and my innate desires
Dwelling on the innocence
displayed upon my face
No one ever takes me seriously
or takes my tears to heart
Take another look inside
I have more than just childish charm...

My body's just a mere depiction
of how I feel inside
My face is just a mere depiction
of how my sick mind works...

This thing you see before you
doesn't belong to me
I don't recognize this falsity
that lies upon my soul
I'm trapped inside a cage
of awkward, assumed glances
Reaching through the bars
to touch your face
It's the only way I can show you
how I really feel inside

I can burn a hole in your heart
with the hatred I have for the way you've treated me
I can arouse your authority
with the desire I have for your hands upon me
I can even care for you
with the endless love I have
I have many abilities
in this small, jealous frame
But I can't make you see
what's really inside of me

Sleepless nights

I'm the kind of person who finds it hard to sleep at night after a fight. However, in one d/s relationships I never had to go to bed upset.

For example, I remember a time when I became upset after I spent all day getting my nails done, doing my hair, and dressing up for you. I also made dinner for the two of us. It was our two month anniversary I believe, and when you came home from work, you didn't say a single nice thing to me. No compliments, no hello, no acknowledgment that I even existed. Instead, you got on your phone and started yelling at someone from work. I was pretty disappointed, I waited for just a bit, and just got plain upset. So I picked up my purse and keys and went out to my car. Sitting there, shaking my head a bit and thinking I've wasted my time again, my door swings open and you grasped my wrists, pulling me from the car and pushing me up against the back door roughly. Before I knew it was I tugged back into the apartment and pushed up against the living room wall. I protested and struggled against your strength, however it was all brought to halt as you harshly slapped me across the face. Blinking, and flushed, I stare up at you, partly glaring with anger, and partly withdrawn with fear. That same hand rests against my chin, and cradles my face as your eyes narrow down at me. I'll never forget the way your stern voice sounded when it echoed to my ears "You'll pay for turning your back on me and not trusting that I'd give you what you deserved." My eyes got a bit teary as your lips pressed against mine and you held me there hostage as you raped my mouth, bit so hard into my neck that I went weak in my knees. Then you lowered me to the floor and tossed my hands above me, opened my legs and disregarded any protests I made with such demeanor it made me feel small. Before I had a hold of my emotions my shirt was pushed up and I felt horrid bites upon my tender nipples. God it was hard to just lie there and take it as you kept hurting me you denied me the opportunity to touch you until finally I screamed and lost all control, you picked my body up into your arms and kissed me again. I'm sure I blinked a whole hell of a lot, but I ended up in a collar and lead on a leash to service you on the couch until you felt I've earned my forgiveness. Then you whispered "I'm sorry my pet, and thank you so much for today." After you seemed satisfied you pushed me back to the floor, while crawling on top of my body you made your way down my body with your lips, and finally ended the nearly itching desire that showed apparent between my legs.

Written with an ex-Dom of mine.  We took turns completing the next part of the story.

This is no way mean I'm poly, but I am bi... girl has wants.

Second pet

Me-I’m craving a strong hand to run through my hair and guide my head off the pillow. My gaze has the opportunity to find an equally dedicated set of eyes, and my lips press firmly back in response to your own. My fingertips glide over your chest, scratching ever so softly. Your evil hand slides down my upper thigh and back up again. Quickly you spring from bed and into the bathroom. I roll over and let my hand glide slowly through the hair of the person sleeping on the floor beside our bed. Slowly she wakes up and I sit up, instructing her to do so as well. I pull her head into my lap and pet it gently as we both wait for you to get out. Her hands wrap around my legs affectionately. When you open the door I pet her back, instructing her to leave me. I watch as her skirt sways while she crawls across the floor, kneeling at your feet. You pick up a flogger from the wall and walk over to me, kiss me passionately while placing it in my hand. I smile and look down towards the one who followed you to the bed, petting the area beside me on the bed, “bend over.” I stand up as she pulls her panties down without me having to ask. I push her skirt and shirt upwards, exposing the skin I’m about to warm for you. I tickle it down her back before smacking her lightly. I carry this on all the way down her back and to her ass. I’m hitting her just enough to hear her groan every now and then. When things look nice and red I bend over, kissing against her ear as my hands glide over the heat she is giving off. Standing up I hand it back to you and grin when you pull my hair back, kissing against my neck. “Thank you, pet” is the only thing I hear before you step behind her. I climb onto the bed and sit Indian style in front of her, placing her head into my lap and letting her wrap her arms around me.

Him- As I walk up behind her, laying there slightly trembling on our bed, I can't help but notice the feral look in your eyes, a subconcious recognition of the misery she is soon to experience. A brief pause gives me time to think of the torment I should begin with, and I soon find myself lining up to deliver heavy blows to her ass and thighs. I watch her crush her face into your stomach in anticipation as I slowly trail the falls of the flogger across her delicate flesh. She has no chance to brace herself as the first blow falls, wracking her body with a fresh sensation of pain as the ends of the whip dig into her meat. A gasp, then a loud cry as the pain sets in, the devious burning, all at once bringing her pain and making her yearn for more. My heart skips a beat as I look at your face, heavily lidded eyes do little to hide your arousal as you softly chew your lower lip, and I know the heights to which I can drive you simply by hurting this poor girl laying in your lap. Another blow, then another as they start to come in rapid succession, darkening her ass and thighs a deep hue of red, as tears slowly stream down her cheeks. By now, we are both ready to throw her to the ground and fuck like animals, but I know as well as you do that teasing heightens our pleasure. I take a quick pause, not to let her catch her breath, but to instead situate my pet as it pleases me. "Stand" I command to you, watching you jump to it like a good toy. I turn you to face the bed, and your skirt and panties are soon puddled at your feet. You feel my familiar hand on your neck, bending you over the bed as your legs are kicked apart. That same hand then violates you, rough fingers running over soft flesh as your lips are spread and explored, the heavy wetness betraying your attempt at modesty. When I have toyed with you enough, I have you resume your previous position, as I take her arms and bind them behind her back. A wicked thought strikes me, as I grab your ankles and spread your legs out, taking away her headrest. My hand finds her hair roughly, as I crane her neck up and shove her forward. "Lick" is all I say, as though she even needed the command... she's such a filthy slut. Her tongue begins to ravish your clit, as I stand amused at your moans and groans. Standing behind her, I press my thigh into her dripping sex, forcing her forward as I lean down to grasp your hair and kiss you deeply. Her muffled moans and pleas for air are ignored in the heat of our union, her predicament just adding to our arousal. As I shove her face deeper into you, I bite at your neck, whispering into your ear "Pinch her nipples. Hard" Squeals from below me let me know you are doing your job, and I stand to resume my assault on her skin. I continue, letting you torment her as I inflict serious pain, until I see your body wracked with orgasm, then I stop. I pull her up harshly, holding her head forward. "Her tears... lick them up." I chuckle as I watch you degrade her further, and we both know we own her completely. As I let her flop onto the bed, I turn to you as you just begin to come out of afterglow. "Well pet, what do you think? Does she deserve any more punishment? Or perhaps some release?"

Me-Without a word my hand glides under her chin, forcing her gaze to meet in line with my own. I can see her try to draw back, but she can not escape my vision or the heavy blush across her cheeks. Pushing some hair back I lean down and kiss her on the cheek softly. Within an instance that sweetness is hidden and I snap once, pointing to the floor. "Down" falls sternly from my lips as I watch her jump off the bed and kneel on the floor before you. She's a good girl, she knows better than to expect release so I scratch across your stomach lightly, rolling my head back to expose my neck and silently inviting you closer.

Him-Once I have you a bit more calmed I spring with energy and kiss across your neck while I use my weight to push you onto the bed. My teeth snack upon your skin and this time my tongue doesn't go lightly against your neck and ears. Those red marks come up over your white skin, appeasing me well while she earnestly watches I tease your ear as I pull down those boxers.

Me-Withing seconds your body straddles mine, those firm hands covering my wrists against the bed. I push my hips up, my lower lips pushing against that bulge of yours. You press into me, pinning me with your weight, and the way you push so deeply inside. My pants and moans grow louder than yours, but don't drone out some whimpers from our little cunt's lips. Once I've coerced an orgasm from you I lick your skin softly while you settle down. You pull from me and lay down, breathing hard while my hand glides down your chest, lightly scratching. My other hand reaches out to pet her hair lightly and I pick up a vibrator from out bed table, swinging it in front of her. "We're both tired, but you've been a good girl." I place it in her hands. "Now continue with your good behavior, and entertain us both."

Him-Lucky for us we're only attracted to bright girls, so she quickly crawls up on the bed and spreads her legs, then her lower lips. Within five minutes of panting, twitching, and more blushing she reaches her contentment and sighs with relief.

Me-Her eyes glide up towards me, her body limp with exhaustion, and her hair trying to hide the redness upon her cheeks. My right hand gently pets her hair, and the side of her face as I kiss her cheek. "Night pet." I lower her head to rest in against my side, her arms wrap around one of my thighs, clinging her body against me as I find your eyes. That melting smile makes you glow and I whisper "Goodnight Master" while you kiss my lips.

Panoptikon 200...8?

I found myself sitting there, taking a long drag from a black that I haven't had the pleasure of smoking in over a year. My head was tilted and I was watching a couple dance about five feet away from me. Clouded, yet sexy images invaded my mind and I could not seem to let them go. I could picture the girl bound and gagged before me, with an innocent yet yearning expression on her face. I could also picture the guy standing over her, flogger in hand and giving her reason enough to fear him. The frustration was building through my body as I grinded my legs together before crossing them, letting my skirt slide up a bit. My fishnets peeked from under my pleated little mini and disappeared into my knee high vinyl boots. I wanted to disappear into the loud music, bright lights, and vibration I could feel beneath me. I've wanted reduction... I've wanted cruel hands upon me, and my dignity. When I noticed my drink was empty and my cigarette was at its end I couldn't look at you anymore, and I escaped. I knew I was intoxicated because I was starring at the crevasses in the wall. They were beautiful, almost even cuts lining the cement in my bathroom stall. I had no reason to be in the bathroom but to take a smokeless breath and calm my nerves. I traced the cold gashes, vividly imagining those same lines forced into my skin. That's what I wanted... proof of your existence carved into my body. I scratched the bitter surface, losing myself in it. Before I could look up I saw your shoes below the stall door. Still resting on the floor I opened the latch and blinked up at your frame that I cowered under. Your expression nearly scared me because you knew I was hiding everything from you. My eyes glazed over with the hint that I might just be tearing up right before you speak to me. "I really hope you have something to say for yourself." I drew in a breath and never took my eyes off of you. "I do... but I'm too afraid to tell you." Within seconds I was being brought off the floor with your hand grasped tightly through my hair. "Out with it." Oh God.. your stern voice made me shudder and in a near whimper I dropped myself into the pit of humiliation. "Please don't yell... I just wanted you to hurt me." I felt your rip pull me out of my haven as I stumbled to step out of the way. You let go, but I saw your fingers snap to alert for me to follow. I squirmed my way in and out of people, who were or weren't in their right minds, to keep up with you. When we reached the car I climbed in, shivering and extremely uncomfortable. "Please talk to me" I nearly whispered from the passenger seat as the engine came to life. You gave no expression, no words to ease how upset I was and I felt my stomach clinch. I felt utterly sick and wanted to curl up somewhere warm. When we finally reached my home I slowly opened the passenger door and stepped out, my heels hitting the pavement rather loudly. I shut it behind me and to my surprise I found myself following you up to my apartment. I felt like I was in trouble.. and I eased the temptation to run from the situation. When I locked the front door behind me there was no one in the living room and I felt your hand go to the back of my neck. Half pushing you led me into my bedroom and closed the door behind you. My focus was upon your chest, too afraid to look up. You're too quick to close the distance between us and my head is pulled back, exposing my bare neck to your eyes. My breath quickens as you lean your lips against my right ear and speak to me again. "Ask me nicely." I swallow hard and lick my lips to try to get some life back into my voice. "Will you please hurt me?" I caught a glimpse of a smile and my eyes rolled back a bit as you told me I should be careful what I ask for, and planted your teeth into the flesh of my neck.

More diving into an old journal...

Ramblings of someone who needs attention

It is happening again. My mind is clouded, my desires clawing the inside of my heart to pieces, trying to find relief from the tormenting yearning I have yet to rid of. My silent screams are going off inside my mind. I miss the patient, but firm hand upon my chin before it slashes across my cheek. Those tenacious fingers of yours, grabbing a hold of my wrists to break my resistance and unsnapping the collar around my neck. Just as well, your teeth sink into the flesh that hid behind that token of your ownership. My nails dig into my palms while my hips press up against you, begging silently for more attention. Why do I always let you reduce me so? My lips part as your hot breath blows across my ear, keeping me distracted as I hear a familiar sound above my head. Black vinyl tape wraps tightly around my wrists. You push them harshly against the bed and your eyes connect to mine, causing me to draw back a bit under your gaze. I swear you can see right through me. "Leave them there; I don't want anything getting in the way while I play with my toy." Suddenly my arms feel too heavy to life while you push my knees upwards and apart, until my legs cradle each side of you. You know what makes me squirm as you cruel fingertips push my thighs apart, wider, and wider still as they send stinging sensations up my skirt. My quiet little squeal sends your chuckles to humiliate me. I'm heaving with frustration and you haven't even lifted my skirt yet. However your hands do find their way to unbutton my shirt as your lips press lightly against my shoulder, then my own lips gratefully welcome them, parting immediately for you. One warm hand finds its way underneath my bra and proceeds to pinch, flick, and further torment my nipples. You always make sure I'll feel your presence a day or two afterwards. The other hand brushes against my inner thigh, scratching just close enough to my ever apparent wetness in order to quicken my breath. All I can do to keep my sanity is bite into my lower lip, breaking our kiss. Your hand leaves my breasts and cradles my neck as you lightly lick against my ear before your intoxicating breath whispers "beg me to touch you." I nearly whimper in hesitation, there is no voice in my throat, and my submission seems inhibited. You know I have so much trouble with this. Feeling your teeth bite against my ear I produce a faint moan. "That was not an option pet;" flows from your lips, your voice is stuck somewhere between sweet and stern. "Please.. please stop teasing me. Would you please touch me?" I leave you with some pathetic attempt of begging that you'll surely be disappointed with. You realized I'm not ready to be fully obedient, and you'll surely have to fix that. "I'm afraid that simply isn't good enough." That is the last thing I hear before you draw from between my legs and drag me by my ankles to the edge of the bed. My struggles are deemed useless and manage to turn me over onto my stomach while my feet have no choice but to rest against the floor. Your hand quickly lifts my skirt, and while the free one lifts my head by my hair, you deliver a mean slap against my ass. "We'll just see how long it takes for that mouth of yours to do what I want." Your voice no longer harbors any trace of sweetness and neither does your hand that has started leaving redness upon my other cheeks. My body jumps each time and I've started to flinch with anticipation. I could never predict your next move and you surprise me yet again. Now your patience has worn thin and I'm making cries of pain each time you hit me. This hurdle of mine seems so hard to get past, I'm choking on words. My cheek rests against the bed and my eyes reflex the light as they've started to form tears. Coughing on my own hesitation and humiliation my whispers seem frail. "Please Master.. I'm sorry. Please don't be mad at me." I wish I could melt icebergs with sincerity. Slightly warming your heart is a nice start. Your hands leave me panting as my shivering leads me to slide off the bed and kneel upon the floor. Sniffling I can't seem to look up at you and I'm blushing with frustration. Your face is emotionless as usual yet surprisingly you sit down in my chair and look over to me, casting a line of hope to the bottom of my heart. Your fingers snap low to the ground and I find myself crawling across the floor until I rest on my knees beside you. That tepid hand rests under my chin and tilts my gaze upwards. I'm drenched in despair to have displeased you in the first place and my eyes do nothing to hide me. They do light up however when you pat gently against your lap. "Come here kitten." I more than happily crawl into your lap, straddling your legs and slightly biting my lip as I keep my eyes glued upon your stomach. I hate it when your eyes just rest upon me silently.. my body squirms a little in discomfort before you finally speak to me. "You'll have to earn this back, however I'm not mad at you, merely disappointed." Disappointment is five times worse than mad and my heart sinks as I watch you put my collar upon the end table. I barely have time to blink when you hand grabs my hair, tilting my head backwards. Your teeth sink back into my skin, making sure more than my curiousity is aroused. It is going to be a long night. Before I knew what hit me the look upon your face changed alarmingly. My body shrinks back from you, fearing what your mind has in store for me as usual. I'm secretly praying you'll go easy on my mind but you can read me inside and out and know what I need, when I need it. Your index finger points to the ground beside you and I silently slide off your lap and kneel there. My wrists rest in my lap for a few seconds before you flick open your pocket knife and cut through the tape. Unraveling it from around my wrists I make a small ball and place it beside me, out of your way. Those same, warm hands of yours quickly remove my shirt and unclasp my bra so it dangles, showing my back clearly. Your right foot kicks apart my knees rather harshly until I move them apart your desired length, my eyes glued to the ground around you. Stepping around me, I can hear you messing around with something, and my mind starts to play tricks on me. My body tenses in anticipation of what you could possibly be contemplating. The only hint I get from you is a stern "I'd brace myself if I were you sweetheart" before something stings against the upper part of my back. Blinking in surprise, I readjust my body...trying to place in my mind what that could have been before it hits again, a little harder this time, and in several places. It reminds me of when rain drips and splatters just outside your window. Apparently my body hasn't show good signs of dealing and your pace speeds up. Each hit heats my back a bit more, wandering from place to place, and occasionally inflicting the exact same location, burning more than ever. Without realizing it, I'm bracing myself upon the palms of my hands and rocking my body forward. That red-cheeked face of mine is hiding behind my long hair, but does not stand in the way of those cries that reach to satisfy your ear and inner sadist. My mouth doesn't dare plead to you now as I brace my weight against the floor. When my eyes start to gather moisture you cease just a bit in your harshness, carefully looking at what you've done so far and contemplating whether or not that will teach me a lesson. Sniffling quietly at the other end of this relationship I try to quiet myself and am found out as the beating comes to a halt and your hand takes hold of my hair yet again. It pulls my neck to an arch and uncovers my eyes. Blinking once in surprise breaks the barrier that holds those tears from falling against my tinted cheeks as I helplessly stare up at you, biting my lip. "What do you have to say for yourself?" That tone makes me shudder and my mind focuses on the growing heat upon my back while I answer "thank you, Master." That faint smile reappears upon your lips and my heart jumps. Your strong thumbs wipe away the wetness from my face and take the bra from off my arms. Sitting at the edge of the bed you pet the spot next to you gently and I more than happily fill it with my presence. The smile returns to my own lips when I watch you take my collar off the bed stand and place it back around my neck. After kissing me once I proceed to wrap my arms around your neck in gratitude. Sweet dreams were had.

My life isn't all about whips and chains, in fact it is hardly about that at all. The first thing that comes to mind when I think of D/s or M/s is devotion. Casual play and 'play buddies' has made pain a more apparent aspect however. When I'm laying in bed dreaming of instant gratification, it's pain... it's something I know I can get by picking up the phone or lowering my standards. That's not what I really want.

I was laying in bed, thinking today, visioning what life would be like later. For some reason I keep thinking of a friend's kitchen, with the word "indulge" written above the stove. I thought about how people feel, when they've had a really good day at work, or in general. I imagined myself, standing in the kitchen, putting icing on a double layer cake for some upcoming occasion. I could hear your car pull in up the driveway and into the garage. I always attempt to greet you with a bright smile, today I went ahead and opened the door. Before I could say anything your hands picked me up and placed me over your shoulder. Bewildered I giggle and ask you what in the world you're doing. Lightly you place me upon the counter and I'm just now aware of your larger than life smile. "Sweetie, what's going on?" Instead of beautiful words, you meet my lips passionately in response. I part my legs and place a hand on the back of your neck, bringing us closer together as I return your sweet actions with equal affection. My legs encircle your slender frame and you lift my body up again, carrying me into the next room. Giggling again, I break our kiss as you toss me upon the bed gently. The only words you graciously give me are "just a good day baby." More than delighted my hand finds that place upon your neck again and tries to pull you in for another dash of pleasure, but your lips fall short of mine, teasing me. Mine part, drawing in a slow breath in anticipation as you display a slightly evil grin. "Please don't make me beg, Sir" flows from my lips, taking up the air between us. Instead your hand brushes my hair past my ear, and behind my shoulder. My lips are envious as your own rest upon my ear and kiss down the side of my neck. I arch it accordingly, moaning quietly as my eyes close. You're arousing a fire in me and you're more than aware of it.
Between your lips and your hands, I could be rendered utterly useless sometimes. Now your hand strokes through my hair and my eyes flutter a bit in ecstasy. Your free hand lightly pushes my skirt up, caressing my thigh. I'm completely distracted and did not seem to notice you pulling a piece of rope from the bedside table. I keep my head turned and lower my eyes as you pull my wrists together, swiftly binding them in a lovely shade of white. Then your hand appears beneath my chin, turning my head and my gaze towards you. Having to meet your line of vision makes me melt, my submission showing vibrantly in my eyes. I'm rewarded with your smile as you place a blindfold around my head, lowering it to my neck, and move it under my hair. Those lips press against mine only for a moment before I'm invited into blackness. I turn my head slightly, trying to get used to it again, but I'm surprised when you use my legs to cause me to fall upon my back. Without a word my wrists are pulled up to an eyebolt near my head, and connected there. My mind is racing with thoughts while my body is transformed into the only set of eyes I need to see you.

Archive Diving...

After a long night of not sleeping... my brain is still stuck in one place.  I've thought of kidnapping scenes, several different rape scenarios, chasing/wrestling, being playful, and the one image that I can't shake is trying it's best to drive me insane with want.

Oh... that heart racing feeling of euphoria.  When you close the distance between my back and your body, one hand covering my lips, and the other encircling my form.  My breaths are short and rigid, too terrified to move as your lips press dangerously close to my neck.  In your grasp my body trembles, fearing and existing for your strength and what use you demand of me.  If only I could spend a little time in your mind, to sweep through the plans you have for me.

I struggle as you replace your hand with medical tape, keeping my lips closed together.  Now both your hands are free and I try hard to fight you as my wrists seem to find the small of my back.  Before I can even comprehend this situation, you're pushing me forward until my hips press up against the kitchen table.  Rudely you push my body down, until bent at the waist, my face against the hard wood.  I'm still wasting energy against your strength, groaning with despair.  One of your hand holds both my wrists as the other pushes up my skirt and yanks down my black panties.  I don't even get to prepare myself before you enter into the depths of me.  I cry out in surprise against the tape, breathing heavily as my body is forced to rock in unison with your thrusts.

My groans mean nothing to you, I'm wet as humanly possible and you know I wouldn't have it any other way.  You lift me slightly off the table, enough that your hand can wander up my shirt and underneath my bra.  I wince, producing muffled cries as you show no mercy in pinching my nipples, twisting them between your fingers.  Just when I think I'll lose my mind, you reach your climax and withdraw from inside me.  Your hand reaches toward my hair and pull me from the table by it, dragging me over to a chair.  Still a little sore I hear you snap towards your feet, and I immediately lower myself to my knees.  You sit down and instruct me to face you.  I watch as you pull out a blindfold, and my eyes are glued upon your straight lips as you slip me into darkness.  With a push I land on my back, my legs towards you.  I watch as you push them apart until a knee rests on each side of your chair, open enough that my thighs sting with pain.  Feeling very exposed and embarrassed, I can feel my cheeks glowing red.  You lift my hand and place a small vibrator in my palm, turning it to the highest setting.  "Be eager pet, you've only got a few minutes to entertain me. "

Somehow I'm able to push all thoughts aside and my free hand gently spreads my lower lips, while I rest the toy upon my clit.  Before long, I'm thrusting back and forth against the chair, moaning quietly.  I'm climbing in sensation, then out of nowhere I feel you slap my thigh fiercely, causing me to jump.  I utter muffled groans, trying to plead with you, but you just hit me again, this time a little harder.  To my surprise I'm still well on my way to orgasm, as your cruelness continues.  My moans grow so loud the tape can barely contain them, and you can tell I'm at my peak as my hips rise up.  You lower yourself over my body, taking the vibrator from me and pressing it hard where it was prolonging my dance with pleasure.  You pull the blindfold off and your eyes stare into mine, as you watch me nearly scream, struggling and pleading with you as best I can.  When my eyes start to roll back you're finally satisfied and the buzzing ceases, you toss it aside.  My body goes limp from having no energy anymore and your hand rests upon the back of my neck.  I blink in silence as your lips press against my sealed ones, kissing me gently.  You disappear for a moment and bring back a blanket, wrapping my worn out body in it.  I could fall asleep so easily as you hold me.  Since I still cant talk, I dare to catch your gaze then nuzzle my head in the nape of your neck.

If I were an artist, I could paint in detail, the images I have in my mind.  I hope words can suffice.

I want you to imagine a girl lying on the bed.  She casts aside everything bad in her life and all her stress because being with you makes her forget all of that.  She casts aside everything that society deems appropriate, to exist beneath you.

Now tie a puppet string directly to her brain, for you now have the ability to impact her mind, mood, and behavior.  You can play tricks on her... her mind is resilient.

Now take another string and tie it to her heart.  Be gentle with this, because deep down, even if you don't like it, she is a little worried that if you keep sweetly abusing her that she'll fall for you someday. 

How could she not...

Take your last one and tie it to her clit.  Your tone of voice and choice of words can send flames down this string and ignite her entire body.

Once you are done, take all three strings and tie them together, each around a different finger. 

She can't hide from you.  She craves to be used, loved, tortured, reduced, and built up.  She can try to endure everything you are capable of doing to her, until she loses consciousness.

You now own a brand new toy and she's begging to be played with.

Wishful Thinking

It's a new year... and I keep getting the advice to stop wishing because there's no point in spending all my present moments thinking about something that hasn't happened. 

However, on nights like tonight I can not help but do just that.  I wish I could crawl into bed with someone I was madly in love with again.  Where every kiss, stroke, scratch, and smile would mean the world to me.  And I never aim to disappoint.  

Where merely the way you look at me or touch me can change my entire mood.  When you breathe down my neck, I still feel like I'm in heaven on earth.  My entire body feels like it's on fire when you whisper in my ear and reduce me in a matter of seconds.  My whole being rocks when you speak in that tone you know I can not hide from.  

I suppose a woman should not sit around wishing for someone to use her as a toy that never becomes obsolete, but I can't help it.  I don't know if this kind of relationship can really exist, because I've never had one.  I can only assume that there is someone out there wondering where I am, as I'm doing the same.  I have made the decision that I can not live without being humiliated on a daily basis from the man who would hold my heart.... so I've severely limited the dating pool.  I have every hope, that it'll be worth it.  

 I am excited to leave 2011 behind and see what this next year will hold.  It feels like a fresh shower ^_^

Home punishment

It's always when I lay in bed, my curls falling into my eyes as I stare at the dim glow of the alarm clock, silently informing me that it's 4am. Those thoughts that haunt my mind and body drift inside and can not seem to find an outlet. I crave to find my quiet spot on the floor beside your chair. However there are days that things do not go as planned, and I can only imagine. If I only worked 8-3 at my dream job as a teacher ( sex therapist = dream job, but wouldn't that make my mother proud ), and could make it home to do errands/dinner/so on, here's my image.

You get home I'm about to start dinner and you encircle me with your arms tightly, letting your hands wander a little as I smile. I've already placed a glass of ice in the freezer for you and I fetch it while you look over the list you gave me for the day. The little checkmarks go most of the way down the row until it reaches 'pick up dry cleaning.' Your gaze meets mine while I hand you your glass. I'm not smiling anymore since I've gotten rather good at reading your body language. I watch intently as you sip your drink and look back at the list. "Is there a reason you didn't do all I asked of you?" I'm going through things in my head and you know when I hit it because my eyes widen and my cheeks grow red. "I'm sorry... it was a thoughtless mistake." My eyes are glued on the hand that sets your drink upon the counter because in what seems like an instance it's grasping a hold of my hair. My eyes close as your lips get dangerously close to my ear and the word "come" sparks fear in the bottom of my stomach.

I glue my eyes now to the bottom of your heels as I follow you to your favorite chair. When you sit I immediately walk to your side and wait for you to pat your lap. Weighing with sadness that I've disappointed you I bend myself over your lap until my fingertips rest on the floor as well as the tips of my heels. "I'm sure after this you'll have better chance of convincing me you're really sorry, right pet?" My hair has fallen around my face and I quietly respond "yes Sir." I feel you lift my skirt and I shudder as your hand runs down my back and slides down my panties. I didn't get a chance to tense with anticipation before I felt the first slap against my lower cheeks. In fact you wasted no time in telling me how displeased you were of me in this painful language. While biting my lip I try hard to be quiet. Cries of discomfort and pain escape every now and then while I speed up rather harshly. My heels push against the floor, causing my body to grind into your lap a bit in some pathetic attempt to escape this humiliation.

I close my eyes and try to escape inside my mind, pleading that I haven't upset you greatly. I'm wondering how I could have made such a careless mistake and before I know it your hand ceases to inflict me. Without a word you pull my panties up and my skirt back down. I wait patiently until I hear the word "down" and I lift myself off of you and then kneel in front of the chair, eyes resting at your feet while my hair does nothing to hide how bright my other set of cheeks have grown as well. "What have you to say for yourself?" I choke on my words as I almost whisper "I'm sorry to have made such a careless mistake." I barely had time to blink before that demeaning hand of yours smacks me harshly across the face. My head turns in the direction of force and I wince, my eyes watering slightly. "Try again." The sternness in your voice makes me want to hide inside myself as I lower my head, not turning it back to you. "I will manage myself better as to not displease you in the future, Master." I'm biting the inside of my lip while your

hand cradles my chin and brings my gaze to lock upon your eyes. "Thank you for my punishment." Finally I get to see the smile creep back upon your lips while "You're welcome" flows from them. Your hand rests in my hair, this time stroking it gently as it guides me to rest my head on your lap. I smile faintly and close my eyes as the warmth reminds me of what I've done wrong.

?

Comfort

?

I was sitting there at my aunt's 4th of July party, trying not to giggle as my cousin kept coming back for more and more of my chocolate-chip cookie, when a thought came over me. All these couples with kids, playing in the pool, having a few beers, playing volleyball, made me think of the future, what I want out of life. At first I imagined getting my degree, and starting to work as a teacher, being home early each day, cooking dinner. Then I imagined owning a home, having a lover who takes care of me.. makes me feel wonderful, and use/abuse me for his own pleasure... which.. makes me feel wonderful :). I envisioned now, in the future.

I imagine you sitting next to me by the pool, talking to a man about your age while I'm having my own conversation with what looks to be his wife. As social as I am, I'm a very observant person, my eyes glance over the liquid line of your beer bottle and I turn to catch your attention. I grasp the bottle with one hand while I meet your eyes "May I?" I ask obediently, with a hint of playfulness. When you let it go with a smile, I bound to my feet and search for the trash can, then the cooler. I bring back a beer for you, and a smirnoff for myself, making a pout to try and silently beg you to open my drink for me. All day I'm forced to communicate with you in these glances and silent movements, the anticipation rises in me to display my submission in other forms. I'm enjoying myself, but patiently waiting to get you back home, alone.

Eventually we say our goodbyes and on the way home your hand rests upon my thigh, scratching lightly. Usually I'm so good at containing myself, but your hand inches upwards and my mind is racing. During the whole ride you seem to torment me without knowing it and I sigh, making it all the way home without acting upon my desires. When I make it into the kitchen, I place my purse on the table, my back to you, then your hand rests upon my hip, and pulls me backwards. I settle against your body as you wrap your arms around me, kissing my ear lightly. "Thank you baby, you were a very good girl today." Your words could move mountains for me. I can't take it anymore, I turn abruptly and my arms encircle your neck, my lips sealing a kiss between us. I want your hands on me, in any way you wish, and I nearly moan when they circle my body in response. My lips venture to your neck, and then press warmly against your ear, licking it passionately. I can now feel that fire rising in you as well as your hands run under my skirt, resting upon my bottom. You pick me up this way, pressing against your body as you carry me until I'm sitting upon the table. With your help my shirt is pulled over my head and off onto the floor. I unhook my bra and let it fall off my shoulders, just in time for you to push me down, until my back rests against the cold wood. Your fingers scratch up my inner thigh and slip inside my panties, brushing against the most sensitive part of me, causing my lips to part in a gasp. Your free hand harshly pushes my knees apart until I separate them myself, you push a bit harder to let me know you aren't satisfied, and I spread my legs until they hurt. Those agonizing fingers leave their place and you place two them against my lips until my tongue wets them eagerly. I'm on the verge of begging you to enter me, but you're not ready to give me what I want, if at all. Those same fingers find their way to my lower lips again and roughly press inside me, over and over again. You're so harsh that my body rocks in rhythm with your hand, I close my eyes, feeling humiliated enough that my cheeks start to grow red. It doesn't help when your hot tongue licks against one of my nipples, and your free hand pinches the other. My frustrated moans fill the air as you insert another finger, making me cry out.

Just when I feel like I'll have to beg to get you to stop, you cease what you're doing and use one hand, clutching my hair to bring me off the table. While clinching your fingers between my soft locks, you force me in front of you, causing me to stumble in my three inch heels. Once we reach the bedroom, I'm pushed and pulled until I'm kneeling upon the bed. My hair is released, but now you push upon my back until I'm on all fours. I hang my head, contemplating and anticipating what in the world you have in store for me this time. A few minutes pass without a word, I can see that you aren't behind me anymore, and my eyes turn back to the front, focusing on the black fabric of the comforter. Inside my head I'm wondering through different thoughts about what you could be doing, wondering if I've pleased you, if I'll get to feel you inside me. My thoughts come to halt when I feel you lift my skirt, pulling my panties down my thighs, and all the way past my knees. Your now cold hands push my lower lips apart roughly, stroking the wetness that just doesn't seem to cease in your presence. I moan in utter frustration, your fingers are such a tease. Your free hand smacks the pale skin of my bottom seven or eight times, enough to get a decent moan from my lips. That same hand glides down, stroking my thighs and disappears. My head rolls back and forth a little in distress. The hand still spreading my lips does so now even wider, almost painfully, and then I'm totally surprised as something large and wet is shoved into my vagina, it hums to life on a low setting. I wiggle in discomfort, but only to be greeted with yet another invasive object, this one is pushed into my back opening. I moan in pain, thrusting my body a little. Now one of your hands glides up my back, scratching my skin, as the other resumes spanking me, this time a little harder. My mind is spread too thin, over so many directions, that I have to place myself in your hands, the resistance goes out of my body. I bow my head against my hands on the bed, leaving my bottom sticking up on the air for your easy reach. I spread my ankles further apart and shutter in such deep humiliation. Your hits get harder until I can feel my skin growing very hot, then your nails scratch the surface. "Are you enjoying yourself my little slut?" You finish you sentence by running a finger back and forth against my clit. My body twitches a bit. "Yes Sir" I reply quietly.

I turn my head as I feel you move from behind me, I watch you walk around the bed, undoing your belt and pants. You step out of them, and I smile behind my dark hair because you're wearing the boxers I brought for you. When you stop in front of me, I raise my head and watch as you sit on the bed, grab my hair again, bringing my face towards your own. I quietly moan as you kiss me, feeling so happy to get to touch you in some way. You then pull my head down to your boxers, and without a word I free you from the material. I lap my tongue up the side of your penis, circling around the tip and taking the whole thing into my mouth, making sure it's wet on all sides. I circle the bottom of it with one of my hands and start to move in a slow but steady rhythm. When I can hear your faint noises of satisfaction, I increase the speed, sucking on the tip a bit more this time and tightening the circle my hand has made for you. I can feel it rising in you, and I feel a sense of accomplishment, maybe pride, when you finally spill into my mouth. The hot fluid pours over my tongue and down my throat easily, I swallow promptly. After cleaning you off, I bow my head, shifting through the discomfort in my lower body.

You adjust your boxers and pull down the covers. Your hand rests on the back of my neck and guides me forward until I crawl close enough to the pillow that I can lie down comfortably. I lay on my side, squirming as you fumble around in the bed side table drawer. You bring out a set of cuffs and place them around my wrists, connecting them to the headboard. You push up on my chin, until I meet your gaze. As you smile, I can feel myself blush a bit, and your hand tilts my head, exposing my neck. Your lips caress it gently, forcing another moan through my lips. Your free hand strokes up my inner thigh and starts to tease my clit again. I feel your teeth sink into my skin as your fingers cause my moans to grow louder. It doesn't take long for you to stroke an orgasm out of me, I nearly scream, my muscles clinching around the mortifying toys inside of me. My body nearly goes limp with exhaustion as you slip these from me, turning one of them off, and setting them out of the way. The light is turned out and as soon as you start to pet me I start letting sleep overcome me.

In the past few hours you've made me feel absolutely humiliated, completely in pain, in the height of pleasure, and utterly yours. I wonder if you'll ever know how much I'm devoted to you... and how much those little things mean to me. The chains on my cuffs jingle a bit as I adjust myself. Your lips touch mine again, and I barely feel it as I slip off into the other bliss I'm blessed with, dreams.

Pulled from the archives: (Kudos to those who take the time to read it)

Ramblings of someone who needs attention

It is happening again. My mind is clouded, my desires clawing the inside of my heart to pieces, trying to find relief from the tormenting yearning I have yet to rid of. My silent screams are going off inside my mind. I miss the patient, but firm hand upon my chin before it slashes across my cheek. Those tenacious fingers of yours, grabbing a hold of my wrists to break my resistance and unsnapping the collar around my neck. Just as well, your teeth sink into the flesh that hid behind that token of your ownership. My nails dig into my palms while my hips press up against you, begging silently for more attention. Why do I always let you reduce me so?

My lips part as your hot breath blows across my ear, keeping me distracted as I hear a familiar sound above my head. Black vinyl tape wraps tightly around my wrists. You push them harshly against the bed and your eyes connect to mine, causing me to draw back a bit under your gaze. I swear you can see right through me. "Leave them there; I don't want anything getting in the way while I play with my toy." Suddenly my arms feel too heavy to lift while you push my knees upwards and apart, until my legs cradle each side of you. You know what makes me squirm as your cruel fingertips push my thighs apart, wider, and wider still as they send stinging sensations up my skirt. My quiet little squeal sends your chuckles to humiliate me. I'm heaving with frustration and you haven't even lifted my skirt yet. However your hands do find their way to unbutton my shirt as your lips press lightly against my shoulder, then my own lips gratefully welcome them, parting immediately for you. One warm hand finds its way underneath my bra and proceeds to pinch, flick, and further torment my nipples. You always make sure I'll feel your presence a day or two afterwards. The other hand brushes against my inner thigh, scratching just close enough to my ever apparent wetness in order to quicken my breath. All I can do to keep my sanity is bite into my lower lip, breaking our kiss. Your hand leaves my breasts and cradles my neck as you lightly lick against my ear before your intoxicating breath whispers "beg me to touch you." I nearly whimper in hesitation, there is no voice in my throat, and my submission seems inhibited. You know I have so much trouble with this. Feeling your teeth bite against my ear I produce a faint moan. "That was not an option pet;" flows from your lips, your voice is stuck somewhere between sweet and stern. "Please.. please stop teasing me. Would you please touch me?" I leave you with some pathetic attempt of begging that you'll surely be disappointed with. You realized I'm not ready to be fully obedient, and you'll surely have to fix that. "I'm afraid that simply isn't good enough." That is the last thing I hear before you draw from between my legs and drag me by my ankles to the edge of the bed. My struggles are deemed useless and manage to turn me over onto my stomach while my feet have no choice but to rest against the floor. Your hand quickly lifts my skirt, and while the free one lifts my head by my hair, you deliver a mean slap against my ass. "We'll just see how long it takes for that mouth of yours to do what I want."

Your voice no longer harbors any trace of sweetness and neither does your hand that has started leaving redness upon my other cheeks. My body jumps each time and I've started to flinch with anticipation. I could never predict your next move and you surprise me yet again. Now your patience has worn thin and I'm making cries of pain each time you hit me. This hurdle of mine seems so hard to get past, I'm choking on words. My cheek rests against the bed and my eyes reflex the light as they've started to form tears. Coughing on my own hesitation and humiliation my whispers seem frail. "Please Master.. I'm sorry. Please don't be mad at me." I wish I could melt icebergs with sincerity. Slightly warming your heart is a nice start.

Your hands leave me panting as my shivering body leads me to slide off the bed and kneel upon the floor. Sniffling I can't seem to look up at you and I'm blushing with frustration. Your face is emotionless as usual yet surprisingly you sit down in my chair and look over to me, casting a line of hope to the bottom of my heart. Your fingers snap low to the ground and I find myself crawling across the floor until I rest on my knees beside you. That tepid hand rests under my chin and tilts my gaze upwards. I'm drenched in despair to have displeased you in the first place and my eyes do nothing to hide me. They do light up however when you pat gently against your lap. "Come here kitten." I more than happily crawl into your lap, straddling your legs and slightly biting my lip as I keep my eyes glued upon your stomach. I hate it when your eyes just rest upon me silently.. my body squirms a little in discomfort before you finally speak to me. "You'll have to earn this back, however I'm not mad at you, merely disappointed." Disappointment is five times worse than mad and my heart sinks as I watch you put my collar upon the end table.

I barely have time to blink when you hand grabs my hair, tilting my head backwards. Your teeth sink back into my skin, making sure more than my curiousity is aroused. It is going to be a long night. Before I knew what hit me the look upon your face changed alarmingly. My body shrinks back from you, fearing what your mind has in store for me as usual. I'm secretly praying you'll go easy on my mind but you can read me inside and out and know what I need, when I need it. Your index finger points to the ground beside you and I silently slide off your lap and kneel there. My wrists rest in my lap for a few seconds before you flick open your pocket knife and cut through the tape. Unraveling it from around my wrists I make a small ball and place it beside me, out of your way. Those same, warm hands of yours quickly remove my shirt and unclasp my bra so it dangles, showing my back clearly. Your right foot kicks apart my knees rather harshly until I move them apart your desired length, my eyes glued to the ground around you. Stepping around me, I can hear you messing around with something, and my mind starts to play tricks on me. My body tenses in anticipation of what you could possibly be contemplating. The only hint I get from you is a stern "I'd brace myself if I were you sweetheart" before something stings against the upper part of my back.

Blinking in surprise, I readjust my body...trying to place in my mind what that could have been before it hits again, a little harder this time, and in several places. It reminds me of when rain drips and splatters just outside your window. Apparently my body hasn't show good signs of dealing and your pace speeds up. Each hit heats my back a bit more, wandering from place to place, and occasionally inflicting the exact same location, burning more than ever. Without realizing it, I'm bracing myself upon the palms of my hands and rocking my body forward. That red-cheeked face of mine is hiding behind my long hair, but does not stand in the way of those cries that reach to satisfy your ear and inner sadist. My mouth doesn't dare plead to you now as I brace my weight against the floor. When my eyes start to gather moisture you cease just a bit in your harshness, carefully looking at what you've done so far and contemplating whether or not that will teach me a lesson. Sniffling quietly at the other end of this relationship I try to quiet myself and am found out as the beating comes to a halt and your hand takes hold of my hair yet again. It pulls my neck to an arch and uncovers my eyes. Blinking once in surprise breaks the barrier that holds those tears from falling against my tinted cheeks as I helplessly stare up at you, biting my lip. "What do you have to say for yourself?" That tone makes me shudder and my mind focuses on the growing heat upon my back while I answer "thank you, Master." That faint smile reappears upon your lips and my heart jumps. Your strong thumbs wipe away the wetness from my face and take the bra from off my arms. Sitting at the edge of the bed you pet the spot next to you gently and I more than happily fill it with my presence.

The smile returns to my own lips when I watch you take my collar off the bed stand and place it back around my neck. After kissing me once I proceed to wrap my arms around your neck in gratitude. Sweet dreams were had.