It has been a busy few months, but I will be updating my profile and journal soon. Hopefully this weekend or early next week.

Be safe.

The end of it all…

As of late I have gone through a lot of changes in my life.  I have recently lost my longer-term slave due to an inability to compromise.  In my previous journals I have mentioned being an oak unbending and unchanged standing strong in my dominance for what makes me happy.  I tried something different a way of allowing her the time she needed while still fulfilling my needs, but it failed.  So while I do have a slave now it is not the one I had wanted to spend the rest of my life with.  Now in the process of this break up certain things were said that I feel the need to address, in particular the concept of honor, and of honorable actions.  I think honor is something seriously lacking in this world and I pride myself on the honor I hold.  So what is honor?  Honor simply put is doing the right thing despite the consequences to your personal self.  Honor is being honest with yourself about your flaws, shortcomings, and limitations; all the while striving to over come them.  Honor is your actions not your words, in doing what you have said you would, and holding true to yourself and your ideals. 

So recently my honor has come into question.  And now I feel the need to write.  For those of you that know me personally you know the torment I have gone through in the last two weeks doubting myself and my actions and whether or not my actions were honorable.  It was a simple dilemma, to allow you “submissive” to issue you an ultimatum with the consequences being “dire”.  Do you sacrifice your happiness in the name of love and continue making both of your lives miserable; or do you do what you thought would never be done, and end a 6 year relationship for the sake of your happiness and potentially the happiness of the other.  Do you cause short-term pain in hopes it will teach all involved the lessons needing to be learned; or do you accept long-term misery because it was the promise of forever?  As a Dom do I allow another to make my decision for me, or do I find the strength to make my own decisions without thought of the consequences and do what I feel is just.

In the end I feel I acted honorably and within my bounds.  I did not want it to end that way but I could not allow my “submissive” to threaten me or take the decision away from me.  I feel it was honorable, albeit heart wrenching, to make that decision, but what other choice did I have.  If you allow someone to threaten to make your life “a living hell”, and give in to what they want, how much of a Dom would that make me.  In the end she forced the decision, so the ultimately there was no choice. If I felt that there were another choice that allow me to keep my position and not lose her I would have done so.  I think she had hoped I would bend my wants and needs for the sake of the relationship, but instead I held true to my needs, my honor, and myself.  I am not happy that this has come to pass, but I am trying to make due.  I have a lot of people supporting me and to them I would like to say thank you. 

As for the one I have lost, I would remind you that sometimes love has to stray to become what is needed.  Sometimes you have to let go to become strong enough to hold on.  If destiny is what we have between us, then our roads and hearts shall cross again.  If they don’t then it was not meant to be.  In the mean time be happy; find yourself and your place.  Determine what it is you want what it is you need and what it is you are willing to give.  In some back corner of my mind, where the romantic hides, I pray you will find the strength to submit and to forgive.  Perhaps then we can succeed.  I know that only with the true submission of the heart body and soul could I accept and be happy with anyone.  I pray that once again I find in someone both the ability to love and the willingness to submit.  Until the Goddess feels fit to give me such I will stay true to my wants, my honor; and myself even when others doubt my actions and my words, I will not.

By the way I will be updating my profile sometime soon but I felt that this was more important.

Lord Vorador

*Sighs* This weekend was not good.  We fight so much, so much conflict and pain.  I wonder if we can let go off all of it.  She says she cant submit to me right now, that it will take time; but for once in my life I am sure of what I am and what will make me happy.  It saddens me to think that all this might end; that all the love we share will be lost due to my inability to be patient.  She wants to make me happy, but she doesn’t understand that the one thing that would make me happy in a heartbeat would be her submitting me to.  If she can’t do that, and that is all that will make me happy, how is this to work?  Should I compromise my wants and needs?  Should she force herself to be something she doesn’t think she is?  Or should we just walk away from each other and prove that we were wrong about our destiny together all along.  Are we cursed never to work through this, to be for the rest of our lives without one another?  Is it our fate that one will try and want and do when the other cannot or will not?  Do I become the mighty oak unbending and unbreaking in my resolve to myself and to my needs?  Or do I sway and crack waiting for her to be able to be my slave again?  Do I weather the storm in hopes that the "I don’t know if I can anymore" changes to "I know I can and will”.  Do I sacrifice the control I feel I must have for an undetermined amount of time in hopes that she will "come around" and submit to me once more?  Do I compromise what I want, for the promise of what I dream?  Is she capable of being a slave anymore or is she confusing herself and me in the process. I told her we shall give it more time, and I pray that things will change.  She promised it would be better when we started again, when we both tried.  So why do I feel like I am the only one capable of forgiving and letting go of our past enough to move forward. 

I have made a decision to be happy.  I will give this time, and I am happy when I am with her.  But if we make each other miserable because we cannot be what the other needs or wants then we have no business being together or even a part of each other’s lives. 

The confusion the doubt the pain and the misery have to end.  For good or bad, for right or wrong this is our last time.  And that is what scares me the most.  For the first time in 4 months a horrible horrible thought has entered my mind.  What if this doesn’t work?  What if I have to walk away and never see those beautiful blue eyes ever again?  What if I can never feel her body pressed against mine?  What if the love we feel isn’t enough, and we have to say that last goodbye.  I can’t cry now, I can’t fall apart.  I have to be strong like an oak and hold true and fast.  I don’t know what hurts more the idea of living without her or the idea that I would make myself miserable just to keep her in my life.

Time will tell what destiny brings, and no matter how hard you pray, you can’t change your destiny.

More about my X.  I am over her spending the weekend with someone else.  If she chooses to do something and lie to me then so be it.  I am trying to have faith and believe she is not and have done pretty good so far.  Now my issue is that she doesn’t have time for me.  No matter how much I text or call she only has two or three minutes to talk.  We talked for a long time this morning though and hopefully she will put more effort into making time.  Next weekend will be the deciding factor as I have told her I need her to see me by Friday.  If I express a need as a Dom it should be fulfilled no matter the complications.  If she cannot do this then it will not work.  To me a want is one thing and sometimes we are prevented from getting what we want, but a need is something else entirely.  I pray she is able to be what I wish, and that I can change to be what she needs.  Only time will tell really.

Goddess I hate having issues. 

So I find myself in yet another disturbing situation.  I am going to write about someone I don’t mention much and that is my X before Rachel.  Her and I had a long relationship of almost 5 years and frequently hurt each other unintentionally.  But even through our break ups and trysts with other people we have always come back to each other.  More recently I have had a slave in my life that I am training.  Her training is now complete and I have to make a decision, to keep her or to let her go.  I do not love this slave but she is a good slave nonetheless and would serve me if so I wished despite me not loving her.  My X and I have been talking about getting back together, but it is difficult.  Namely I agreed to be monogamous with her if she in turn would do the same for me.  I explained that I would not sleep or play with the slave I have but that I could not release her for 2 more days.  She in turn promised not to sleep or play with anyone else.  Unfortunately she had plans to go on a vacation with someone this weekend.  She first promised not to do anything but then revoked it.  She says I need to trust her but won’t meet my promise with one of equal weight.  So now I question if I should even try.  It hurts me that she wont promise not to do anything with this gentleman, if it is just a friendly visit that should be no problem, but if the expectation is there then she would have to lie to keep it.  Ergo no promise no lie.  Maybe I ask too much.  Maybe I am just over bearing and controlling.  But shouldn’t I be.  Is it not my right as a Dom to set restrictions and rules?  She says she will never ask me to allow this again, and as much as I wish I could in my heart allow it I find my anger and rage overwhelming.  I feel pushed aside and left behind and wonder what to do next.  Sometimes I think I should swear off love and just keep the slave that would serve.  But I cant do that to her either.  She deserves someone who will cherish her and love her not just be content with her servitude.  In short I think I will be alone for a quick minute, at least until my X gets back and I can see if we can work through this.  I miss her so much and want it to work but I don’t know if that is possible anymore.... no matter how badly I want it.  I pray it is something we can work through.

It’s been a quick minute since I posted something and I have some time so I thought I would write.  Maybe it will help me figure things out.

First off work and home and finances are fine, in fact I just got a good little raise.

It has been a very long week.  My class that I am training is finishing up and hitting the floors soon and with that passing some of the stress I am under has lifted.  Unfortunately I am feeling more and more stress about finding the right someone to share my life with.  The student I had been training for this life style is cutting herself off from everyone in her life in an attempt to organize and focus herself.  The X that I had who was around has seriously disappointed me and makes me wonder whom I am destined to be with.  Then of course comes a conversation I had with another new sub in this lifestyle.  I am trying to understand what has happened to the honor and honesty that our society and this subculture once had.  I don’t understand how so many can be so misguided.  Have we all truly forgotten the meaning and richness in this lifestyle?  Have we all become so full of ourselves that we have forgotten what matters? Hubris, greed, and deceit have over run so many, where have all the good people gone?  All I want is someone who will dedicate herself to me and in turn I will focus everything I am on her.  Not some quick fling, not some physical exchange; but a long term committed relationship to learn and grow with each other.  I want to find the other half of my soul, someone who may not always agree with me but at least understands.  I am so tired of seeing so many people who have what they need in life but are too scared to reach out and grab it.  I apologize that I am venting but I fear that I shall not know love or companionship for a long long time at this rate.

So I have decided to take on a submissive for training purposes only.  I am attempting to distract myself from my recent loses by teaching someone about this life.  Ironically enough through teaching her I am teaching myself.  I find that I am on the same road the Hermit walks, lantern shining into an unknown darkness.  I search to find my soul, and through it enlightenment.  One day soon I hope I will reach my destination and find waiting for me someone who gives and sacrifices as much as I do in the name of love.  I am tired of games, I am tired of fights, and I am tired of a complex life that serves no purpose.  I want to find someone as simple in life and action as myself.  Someone who knows their place and willing submits to their destiny.  One day soon I hope I can put this lantern down and simply enjoy my life.  Until then I shall guide others along the path I walk, teach those who know not the way.  Goddess willing I will be home again soon.