Whats wrong with me
by looking4Lilith

I try and try
Sometimes I don't know why
One moment I'm up
Next I'm down
Always a clown

A fool
Chasing dreams
Where does it stop
How does it end

What am I doing wrong

Accolades earned almost given
Instead I'm pushed down
Like my cat sprays and shits on the floor
yet I'm always coming back for more

I don't give-up
I don't give in
But I swear
Nobody said it would be this though

I try
Am I just not good enough

Go to Hell
I won't give in
I won't be judged by you
Your arrogance

you can kick me
you can bash me
Do you feel better now
Mebbe more alive somehow

I wont be judged by you

Mebbe I should, but not tonight..
by looking4Lilith

Mebbe I should go to the bar
But not tonight
Counting down the precious seconds
Time of my life

Should I be scared
What if I die alone

Still no reason to give-in
Give in to worry

It comes with the night
This ball of fear
Lonely, isolation
How do I get out of here

Do I settle, am I desperate?
Make a decision quick
Never mind the fine details
Just move on

Nah, I've been there
I know what haste buys

Better to be alone
Than be with someone unfulfilled
Half-empty

So I've been attending a new meetup group, new to me, not the area. It really feels good..

I'm making friends and I really like the focus of the group.

Would you believe that the typical count of positive occurrences to negative is 3:1. Her position is you can re-frame and re-associate your thoughts based on the many subtle positive experiences you have over the course of a day, days, etc - and re-tune yourself to more automatically pickup on the positive.

Positive people build better relationships, of that, I'm positive.

I want this in my life, so I'm cultivating it.

Change your mind, change your life.

In a similar vein, I'm trying something - I am paying it forward. There is a young person I know who keeps making poor choices. I've offered to help, giving of my time.

I'm trying..

The Banquet

Today was a good day.

Most days are good days.

I'm most insecure in my dealings with my kids.

I'm most secure in what I do for a living.

Today was work, running a few errands, etc - normal life stuff. Worked from the Starbucks over on Augusta Rd. I really like that location though Starbucks is very commercial..

I've been a little wary the past few days. My daughter's HS Softball Banquet was coming-up.

What was it going to be like?

Would it be another time for her to couple with her Momma, Step-Dad, and her Brother, acknowledging me just enough to claim that she wasn't ignoring me?

Would it be another chance for me to feel like an outsider?

Man, for the past several years when she has played travel ball and extramural Softball, I've been made to feel outcast so so often. Girlfriends I've had at the various times have all noticed it, so it wasn't just a skewed perception on my part. Often I felt ostracized and ridiculed by other parents, sometimes even the Coaches.

It was just never my crowd. It was my daughter's crowd. Or, mebbe more to the point, it was my ex-wife's crowd. Tobacco-chewing, loud, arrogant, narrow-minded, opinionated, flip-floppin'-est wearin' crowd you've ever seen in your life. I know I sound ill in my deion. I guess that's what happens when you're treated poorly for far too long.

So why did I go? What did I put myself in situations where hags cackled about me in hushed tones behind my back and would rarely favor me with the privilege of returned conversation?

(yeah, I know I sound ill..)

Why did I?

I did it for her. My daughter. Simple as that.

The price was steep tho. For all the time that I endured, I lost a part of me, that open, nice guy had to toughen-up to keep from being overwhelmed by the apathy, contempt, or disgust that he was welcomed with.

Few ever tried to get to know me.

Most pre-judged me.

And, suffice it to say, Softball/baseball were never interests of mine. I have horribly embarrassing stories from when I was in Little League and Biddy Ball as a child.

Loser. Pathetic. Not good enough.

Over the past ten years I discovered that I'm competitive, but I have to choose my fields.

Fast-forward to tonight's Banquet.

It's Friday night. This is my weekend with my daughter. I arrive at her Mom's place to pick her up and take her to the event. On a subtle level, for the past few days, I've been wondering - would her Step Dad be there? (He's an arrogant, out-spoken prick.) Would her Mom be there? How would my daughter act? Would she spend any time with me, or would she nurse to her Momma (again)?

My daughter and I walk into the HS Library where the banquet will be held. Her Momma is sitting at one table, and my daughter goes straight over and sits down. Luckily someone else is at the table, a mutual (neutral) acquaintance, so I take a seat. While my daughter is tuned to her Momma's frequency, I try to jive in with any conversation I can going on around me.

Fortunately, after a few minutes, they decide to uncover the foods and let the Banquet begin.. The girls are the first-up for the line, then no one is moving. After the Coach makes a comment about it, I decide to take the initiative and get inline for the foods (after all, food gets people talking and tends to elevate moods and, since I thought the likelihood of Hennessy being present was nil, I was ready to try anything). Thankfully it worked. Though my daughter stayed tuned for a bit longer to her Momma, I engaged in a few conversations, then connected eyes with a few of the girls and we started clowning around.

My daughters teammates like me and think I'm cool.. They also believe I'm a hippie. LOL

That was SO much better.

It's been this case for several years - for all of the parents who disapprove of me or find me loathsome, their kids always connected with me. The kids weren't pre-judging me based on the ex-wife's stories or antics. And, on a side-note, I've had better luck getting acquainted with the other parents on the school teams than I ever had with the parents on the travel ball teams. Those travel ball parents were so damn cliquey!

After dinner, the Coach and Assistant Coach handed out Letters to the Varsity newcomers and Chevrons to the returning Varsity players. My daughter is a Sophomore and this is her second year on Varsity so she earned a Chevron. Good for her!

Then one-by-one, the Coach had the players come-up and tell of their most memorable moments from the Season. A lot of laughs, a few tears, and many a video were recorded by proud parents.

Gotta say, it was a fine night.

One I was kind of dreading based on prior history.

But I'm damn glad I got the chance to be there.

Sometimes it's real hard when you're the non-custodial parent.

People get to know the child and the custodial parents first. And people pre-judge all the time. our society today is so frantic that we rely heavily on cognitive and social short-cuts. Academically, I understand it - but I've been steam-rolled by it so much over the past four years I just feel deflated.

But tonight wasn't another awful time with apathetic people; there were some there, but I'm thick-skinned enough to handle a few.

Tonight turned-out much better than expected.

A Long Minute..

It's been a long minute since I wrote anything substantial.

I started attending a writers meetup group a few weeks ago for the intentions of socialization and rekindling the flames for writing.

My writing isn't writing in the traditional sense. It's blogging, journaling; just putting pieces together from my own experiences in life.

I rarely capture dialog.

I've always journaled more when I was traveling, but for almost the past four years, I've been working from home. Under some circumstances that would be ideal. Under mine, it's just not felt that way.

There's been an innumerable amount of things happen in my life that could be labeled "bad", there's often been a sense of malaise. I don't fit in well in the South.

But it's not really "the South".

It's arrogance; it's small-mindedness; it's "red-neck" as softball and apple pie. It's being ignored and publicly disrespected, even when you put yourself out there for those you love.

There's a futility in this mode. It's exhausting.

And the hit to your self-esteem is almost overwhelming.

When you feel ashamed, it runs deep.

12:20am. It's a new day. The coming of a new Summer.

Mebbe an opportunity for awakening?

Time will tell..

It's my BIRFDAY - HOORAY HOORAY!!

Leaving for Guatemala on Thursday with my bestest bud - CANNOT WAIT!!!

Late dinner. Time for tacos!

Note to self

Using the wrong grind of coffee in an espresso machine makes for weaker shots. 'nuf said.. :/

I think...

I think I'm going to fix myself a generous pour of Hennessy, put on a long-sleeved shirt, and go sit outside. I deserve some R+R..

Day started at 6:43a to my alarm clock. At 7:08a our building's fire alarm went off. I'm okay with it. The last time it went off there was a bonafide fire about 6 doors down from my unit. Ugh! Got my kid and cat out, then took us to breakfast. What a way to start the day tho!

iLuv my iPhone
Especially Siri

She's *SO* on my mind tonight...

I'm searching your eyes
Have I seen you somewhere
You're filling my thoughts with a strange intrigue
I rivet my glance to your every movement
I got a notion your love's in a whole different league
Tell me your name, what's your persuasion
Your first impression of this whole occasion

Booked a Hostel in Antigua, solidifying "things to do" - Can't wait to get away!

C'mon Guatemala..

12:55p, A press of coffee, been in meetings since 9:30a ... Need a shower and lunch

Ensuring the flow of beer one User at a time..

My daughter consumed 1.055GB of data in about 26 Hrs on her new iPhone. Agh!! Needless to say - Parental Controls are now turned-on and bandwidth limitations in-place. :/

Just got cut over to the iPhone yesterday. *SO* simple! Seems very stable too.. The biggest challenge so far has been syncing the device to iTunes. Lovin' it!

Bought a case last night for my iPhone. The Otterbox Preserver is less expensive when bought direct (forget Amazon) and I found a Promo Code to use for 10% off.

Promo Code is AM2012 and it's valid!

... Wanted to share. :)

YAY - FRIDAY!! Beautiful day to take off. Work was long this week.. (Ready for Guatemala! Si!)

Working hard so I can take Friday off!!

I wanna open a coffee shop selling drinks based on Leopard Forest Total Eclipse espresso. At night we'd double as an upscale bar with Tapas. It would be called "Cafe Rique".

Then, a couple of doors down, I'd like to open a tea shop called "The Angry Kettle".

Sounds like a lot of fun..

Had a neighbor over for dinner last night. She and I have been friends since last Summer and we both like reds. After dinner and three bottles of wine (seems like a magical number) I convinced her to stay over and sleep in my spare bedroom. She's moving, her boyfriend works out of town, it was late, and I wouldn't have been comfortable with her attempting to drive to her new place.

You know, it's nice.. This time, while I am waiting for the next relationship, I'm being choosy and avoiding one-night stands. It's friends like her that help stave off the isolation of "being alone" and keep me sane. Friends like her, and my cat. :)

Having friends and feeling somehow satisfied inside, really empowering; I'm in a totally different place from where I was 5 years ago..

On the horizon, gotta talk with my other friend - The trip to Guatemala will be upon us soon and he and I need to decide what sights to see and things to do. I've already told work that I'll be off the grid for four days. Can't wait!!

Thinking about an iPhone...

LIFE LESSON : Never respond to questions designed to gain compliance..

Just passed an internal audit - Yay me!

Flights booked! A friend and I are heading to Guatemala City at the end of March! (B-Day presents..) W00t W00t!!

I can hear my cat sleeping.. How cute!
... Or mebbe he needs a Respiratory Therapist :/

No Vegas this year - I think my friend and I are going on a cruise. Yay water!!

I am *almost* certain Britt Griffith is a virgin.. Annoying personality. Bogus..

"Ten Thousand Hours"
by Macklemore and Ryan Lewis

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MudbLpyPoA0

Uh
I hope that God decides to talk through him
That the people decide to walk with him
Regardless of pitchfork cosigns I've jumped
Make sure the soundman doesn't cockblock the drums
Let the snare knock the air right out of your lungs
And those words be the oxygen
Just breathe
Amen, regardless I'mma say it
Felt like I got signed the day that I got an agent
Got an iTunes check, shit man I'm paying rent
'Bout damn time that I got out of my basement
'Bout damn time I got around the country and I hit these stages
I was made to slay them
Ten thousand hours I'm so damn close I can taste it
On some Malcolm Gladwell, David Bowie meets Kanye shit
This is dedication
A life lived for art is never a life wasted
Ten thousand

Ten thousand hours felt like ten thousand hands
Ten thousands hands, they carry me
Ten thousand hours felt like ten thousand hands
Ten thousands hands, they carry me

Na-na-now
This is my world, this is my arena
The TV told me something different I didn't believe it
I stand here in front of you today all because of an idea
I could be who I wanted if I could see my potential
And I know that one day I'mma be him
Put the gloves on, sparring with my ego
Everyone's greatest obstacle, I beat 'em
Celebrate that achievement
Got some attachments, some baggage I'm actually working on leaving
See, I observed Escher
I love Basquiat
I watched Keith Haring
You see I study art
The greats weren't great because at birth they could paint
The greats were great cause they paint a lot
I will not be a statistic
Just let me be
No child left behind, that's the American scheme
I make my living off of words
And do what I love for work
And got around 980 on my SATs
Take that system, what did you expect?
Generation of kids choosing love over a desk
Put those hours in and look at what you get
Nothing that you can hold, but everything that it is
Ten thousand

Ten thousand hours felt like ten thousand hands
Ten thousands hands, they carry me
Ten thousand hours felt like ten thousand hands
Ten thousands hands, they carry me

Same shit, different day, same struggle
Slow motion as time slips through my knuckles
Nothing beautiful about it, no light at the tunnel
For the people that put the passion before them being comfortable
Raw, unmedicated heart no substitute
Banging on table tops, no substitute
I'm feeling better than ever man, what is up with you?
Scraping my knuckles, I'm battling with some drug abuse
I lost another friend, got another call from a sister
And I speak for the people that share that struggle too
Like they got something bruised
My only rehabilitation was the sweat, tears and blood when up in the booth...

It's the part of the show
Where it all fades away
When the lights go to black
And the band leaves the stage
And you wanted an encore
But there's no encore today
Cause the moment is now
Can't get it back from the grave

Part of the show
It all fades away
Lights go to black
Band leaves the stage
You wanted an encore
But there's no encore today
Cause the moment is now
Can't get it back from the grave

Welcome to the heist...

Awesome Possum!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5Z_ZducwbQ

Look at the pretty snow falling!

Had a great day today...

Up at 8:30am, coffee, worked on my checkbook registers in Quicken (Called Intuit Tech Support after 3 years of nagging issue, and got them all resolved in one evening - What a weight that got lifted!!). Plus, I'm feeling *SO* much better now than I was a week ago. Finally, I've put a couple of minor but impactful health issues behind me. About time!

I spent a couple of hours this afternoon at Cleveland Park. Walked along the Eagle Trail, then merged onto the SRT and went another mile. I think it was 3mi, round-trip today. I have high-hopes of working out tomorrow!

Tonight, I have a bit of laundry, dishes, and some work to do to get in-front of Monday, but I'm feeling good about everything.

Last weekend, when I was feeling awful work hit another rough patch.

I think we're getting our major operational issues put to rest. Jeez, tho, it's been an uphill battle and I think I've gotten a couple of gray hairs due to it. (Dang!)

Ah well, this coming week holds the promise of a favorable wind.

And, speaking of, I think I've come to a decision and strategy for dealing with work. We'll see if my plans change before I fully execute.. :)

Peace.

What a nice day today. Feeling *SO* much better than I have for the past week. Changed-up my diet (got back on-track with making healthier choices every day) and that makes all of the difference in the world. I can't control the stress at work (except by choosing to let some of it go..); but diet, I easily can.

I do fall off the wagon sometimes.

But it feels so much better after I get back on!

YAY ME!!

Tonight was made for Hennessy..

Had dinner with some friends at their place (same building I  live in..)

Nice night. A few bottles of wine, fun conversation - good people.

Hanging out with another friend tomorrow night. Mebbe a foot rub is in order for her..

Man - I was in Denver two weeks ago. Back home, caught the flu. This past week was a stress-triggered ilness.. It's just good to feel good again.

Another hit on my Mistress Hennessy, and I'm heading to sleep.

Damn it feels good to be a Gangsta..

FINALLY!! C'mon Broncos..

Go Broncos! (Got work to do!!)

Some days..

Some days, I really think we could all use a little encouragement.

I think I'm gonna live..

Was feeling beat last night; some bug I brought back with me.

Slept 13 Hrs last night. Up a few times over the course of the snooze, but I took healthy doses of Vitamin C, E, and some Melatonin to help me stay under.

Woke this morning, worked a full, normal day; Even included picking-up my daughter early from school, driving home CAREFULLY, and fixing an incredibly green, leafy taco salad which I am taking down slowly.

Mmm mmm!

Feeling ROUGH tonight..

Caught a sinus/head-cold thing while in Denver. I think it's morphed into the flu. Ugh..

Thinking an early night in bed is my answer to the day.

Slept til 2pm today (didn't intend to..)

Started on my ER for work for last week's trip to Denver. Man, I love to travel! I don't do it nearly as much as I used to.. Had a wonderful drive from Golden, CO up to Idaho Springs on Hwy 6 yesterday. Gotta upload those Pics to Facebook still tonight.

Completed my tax return today. At least, I think it's done, I'll just need to give it a "last look" closer to April. For now, I'm feeling good. :)

...Thinking about a warm soak, then going out and grabbing some dinner.

... Killing time before I leave for dinner. Thinking sushi at Sushi Den, it seems to have gotten some really good reviews. Tomorrow, weather permitting, I'm gonna head out and get some Pics.

Had a lot of fun tonight at the Greenville Sushi Meetup - W00t W00t!!

Made veggie soup last night - cabbage, cauliflower, yellow squash, zucchini, some red onion, a jalapeno, red taters, white taters, celery (for flava), and red lentils (for protein) - Mmm mmm! Gonna be eating on this fow a week or so..

THANK YOU, NOISY RABBIT, FOR THE VEGGIES!! (Love my subscription..)

I think I just had an orgasm in my mouth!!

My new espresso machine is wonderful and I am using Leopard Forest Total Eclipse, fine ground, as the coffee. It's taken me a bit of trial and error and learning the machine, but OMG - Wonderfully smooth!!

I do love a good Americano.. Mmm mmm..

"Say Anything"
Lloyd Dobler explains what he wants to do with his life

What are your plans for the Future?

To spend as much time as possible with Diane before, uh, She leaves.

Seriously, Lane?

I'm totally and completely serious.

No, really.

You mean like career? Umm.. I don't know. I've.. I've thought about this quite a bit, Sir, and I would have to say considering what's waiting out there for me. I don't want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career. I don't want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed, you know, as a career, I don't want to do that. So, uh, my father's in the Army. He wants me to join, but, I .. can't work for that corporation. So what I've been doing lately is kickboxing.. Which is a, um, new sport but I think it's got a good future. As far as career longevity, I don't really know because you know you can't really tell, you train _ as a fighter, is no good, you have to be great; but I can't tell if i'm great until I've had a couple of pro fights; but I haven't been knocked down yet. I don't know. I can't figure it all out tonight, Sir. I'm just gonna hang out with your daughter.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VEgu7jdc_fs

So where is the Domme who wants me so much She'll have me kidnapped and taken to her private island.. *sighs* I know. I know. Not real life - Right? LOL

GREAT workout tonight!! Then shower, dinner (huge salad and spaghetti), and dishes. Now relaxing with a glass of wine. Bed soon; real soon. *yawn*

Today, from Urban Dictionary - "Mastabbatical"
 
A self imposed period free from masturbation. Often employed by single men as a strategy to improve productivity at work and in other life pursuits. Regularly used in conjunction with a set end date or target time frame. Should be used with caution as is considered by many to present considerable health hazards.

"Did you hear that he is taking a 7 week mastabbatical? That guy has a tag like 5 times a day! That's gotta be tough."

Just found out; gonna be in Denver next week for work. W00t W00t!!

Just got word from the Dealership - They are gonna re-ring Addie (my daughter named my car). I expect to get her back on Monday; til then I'm driving their loaner. Couldn't they have given me one with SIRIUS? (I mean SIRIUSly!!)

In the Noisy Rabbit pickup this week, I got a coconut and a pineapple - two thirds the way to a pina colada! And, of course, I already have rum..

Just made a run to Leopard Forest Coffee in Marietta SC - purchased a few bags of Total Eclipse some for my French Press and some for my espresso machine. *Cant* wait to give it a try!! Gotta get two shot glasses and I think I'll be fully tooled and ready-to-go!

W00t W00t!!

Pouring myself a tall drink tonight and reflecting..

Flew back from NYC with my daughter on Saturday. Sunday was kinda a simple easy day, but then Monday came.

After two weeks off, I was pleasantly ready to still not be working; however, the week started and things have been falling in line ever since. We've overcome most of the hurdles impacting our project and I'm optimistic that progress will continue and pickup speed.

Monday night I attended class (which is not only good for the body, but in some ways good for the soul - surround yourself with good people and good examples); enjoyed coffee afterwards with a friend.

Yesterday, I had another friend over for dinner. I can still smell the spices (I love Indian)!

Tonight, I met with some friends and hung out for a bit.

Tomorrow, I have a few other things lined-up.

I haven't been able to find the time to exercise since I've been back. My bad; tomorrow during lunch, I think that's what I'm gonna do.

Anyone who knows me knows I'm not into Religion at all, I'm more "spiritual". But I gotta say, over the past few years, my life has become so blessed in so many ways and for that I'm grateful.

I'm not sitting on top of the world, and I have my moments of disappointment, downfall, and doubt..

I've gone thru times of closure; where I've closed myself to everything.

I've seen many Springs - new beginnings, clean slates, light heart.

I get caught-up at times; tripped-up too.

But I have a good life.

Surrounded by good people.

I'm very fortunate..

Isn't it grand? :)

Peace.

Back home and settled after a few fun days in NYC.

Today was crazy tho:

08:30 Woke-up and went downstairs for breakfast
10:00 Made our way to the subway station, Uptown on the red line
10:15 Off at 50th and Broadway for some quick shopping
10:45 Cafe Bene for coffee
11:00 Boarded a Yellow line heading toward Astoria
11:20 Disembarked Yellow Line, awaiting M60 bus
11:45 Bus running LATE, two finally arrived
12:05 Disembarked M60 and entered US Airways terminal
12:30 Thru ticketing, security, and broading in Zone 1 - Courtesy of US Airways PreferredAccess program.

We made it home (Greenville) around 5:30pm; I let the kid drive us from CLT. Good practice.

Got upstairs to my place and the cat was meowing at the door. I think Dawg! missed us. And he had peed on the floor at the door and let other "indications" of his massive annoyance at being left home by himself. HA!

He doesn't like to travel (via cage) and he doesn't like being left - there's really no pleasing him. :)

Now I'm sitting, writing, watching The Thing, and drinking a blueberry wheat ale (thank you, Trader Joe's). Cat's extra dishes are in the dishwasher, laundry is in the wash, and my floor cleaner robot is busy cleaning my floors.

Nice to be home.

Now back to my regular life and the all too common question - "What's for dinner?"

Peace.

Checking in from HGI Times Square..

@7:30p my daughter and I washed out and returned to the room to watch the ball drop on TV.

It's been around 32deg this afternoon and we've been outside for most of it (we left the Hotel around 2pm). For the past two hours, we were in the corral on Broadway between 49th and 50th.

Being in the corral was not a bad experience. Most of the people were decent. There were runners providing food and coffee - for a fee. A large Domino's pizza (single topping) could be purchased for $30, a cup of coffee (or hot chocolate, your choice) was $5. :)

The only annoying occurrence was some young girl in a white coat who kept rudely was cutting thru the crowd, wedging in, and "prairie dogging" until people had enough and cut her path/habit, forcing her to go away. Uncool.

On our way back to the Hotel, we stopped at Caffee Bene for hot drinks. I am off to workout, then return before the ball drop.

This has been a learning curve and good preparation for next year. :) I think we're gonna do this again..

Happy New Year, folks!!

Happy Holidays, Everyone!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F6eM-9wYhQU

Another night of "X-Files" reruns..

From Influence: Science and Practice, Fifth Edition by Dr Robert Cialdini

An examination of the prison-camp program shows that the Chinese relied heavily on commitment and consistency pressures to gain the desired compliance from their captives. Of course, the first problem facing the Chinese was to find a way to get any collaboration at all from the Americans. These prisoners had been trained to provide nothing but name, rank, and serial number. Short of physical brutalization, how could the captors hope to get such men to give military information, turn in fellow prisoners, or publicly denounce their country? The Chinese answer was elementary: Start small and build.

For instance, prisoners were frequently asked to make statements that were so mildly anti-American or pro-Communist that they seemed inconsequential ('The United States is not perfect.' 'In a Communist country, unemployment is not a problem.'). Once these minor requests had been complied with, however, the men found themselves pushed to submit to related, yet more substantive, requests. A man who had just agreed with his Chinese interrogator that the United States was not perfect might then be asked to indicate some of the way in which he thought this was the case. Once he had so explained, he might be asked to make a list of these "problems with America" and to sign his name to it. Later he might be asked to read his list in a discussion group with other prisoners. "After all, it's what you really believe, isn't it?" Still later, he might be asked to write an essay expanding on his list and discussing these problems in greater detail.

...Suddenly he would find himself a "collaborator", having given aid and comfort to the enemy. Aware that he had written the essay without any strong threats or coercion, many times a man would change his self-image to be consistent with the deed...

So many people don't get this; a very few would use it naturally.

We fuss at one-another for the things we need or want. We fight instead of compromise. Power struggles are constant and take-up far too much energy.

Why not use coercion? "Soft sell"?

Gaining compliance is a subtle art. There's positive and negative techniques which can be leveraged. The negatives might include guilt or pity tactics. It's scary how frequently people use these subconsciously.. In my opinion, negative compliance tactics are pure nonsense - influences should free of burdens like those.

If I sense a manipulation, I try to consider - "What is the desired outcome?" "Who does it benefit?" I will then make compliance choices if I see it coming.

If I don't see a compliance tactic coming (the best), then mebbe I can let go of the foliage at the River's edge and give myself away to the current... Subtle.

I've had a life filled with people who have tried to paint me into a corner for one-reason or another. Bob Seger said it really well "Some were so sweet that I barely broke free, others they only enraged me." 'Enraged' is a strong term, best suited for former employers and my ex-wife.. :)

I am adept at getting out. (I'm a freaking Harry Houdini..)

In the end, I've been true to myself; I guess it's my one claim to integrity.

I get out because I can, it doesn't always mean that I wanna.. In some cases it's almost a test. If you've ever read The Strong-Willed Child by Dr James Dobson, this behavior may sound familiar.

I know I'm not simple, but does anybody get this?

Like throwing rope, loose at first, then take-up the slack for constriction. Not breaking your toy, just restricting it's movements (or choices) til you have him bound and caught in your web.

Mebbe that's why I appreciate restraints, and especially rope, so much. After you're bound, you're freed from the struggles.

As the body craves, so does the mind.

Just glanced at someone's profile and a thought cross my mind.

If you (Top, Domme, Goddess, whatever) bring nothing to the table and offer nothing in return - it's not a power exchange. Any attention from me is either 1) an act of kindness on my part or 2) an act of sheer desperation.

Now *there* would be a relationship to cherish! :/

*chuckles*

I think anybody with mention of the word "tribute" in their profile should be blacklisted as scammers and ho's - male or female alike. ProDomme, ProCon - Fuck it.

Is there a difference between neuro linguistic programming, cognitive reframing, and self-hypnosis?

Updated Pics..

Ceasing my journal activities here. If you'd like to follow me further, please friend me on that other lifestyle site..

From a conversation with a new friend tonight, I realized how stating certain things in your profile really makes one sound like an ass. Trying to clean-up my act a bit..

Went home today and picked-up my replacement machine for work - Yay! Felt bad that I had damaged the new laptop screen already. I only had it for a couple of months. Ugh. Beginning the build tonight.

Showtime!!

So I am attendng another ATL event today. Was thinking about toys and my toybag. I have neither. (4) years ago an ex stepped away and kept my stuff. *chuckles*

I am not well-prepared.

I think that's okay - as much as part of me wants/needs play, another part says "Take your time; get to know these folks first."

Though I've attended events and munches all over as I've traveled; I spent the most time in Augusta attending events. Last night, a topi was brough-up regarding slave auctions. I remember being part of one..

As the background story went, "I was betrayed by a woman. She and a group of her friends drugged me, sissified me, then bound me and delivered me over to the Auction house. This was all some sort of attempt to ingrain some humility when I was too full of myself."

Me and another "slave" were flagged as being "runners", meaning it was fully in our scope to escape if we could. The Auction House Mistress had a couple of burley guys working for her. Their jobs were to "wrangle the slaves", bring them to/from the Auction, and to keep us inline using pre-negotiated tactics and force.

We had a blast!! The one guy and I kept those the two wranglers busy that night, but ultimately, I exhausted myself with the struggle and went along thru the auction a bit humiliated and deflated.. ;) In role..

As I recall, Lady Pact bought me. :) When time came to take possession and dispose of property as the Owners saw fit, She played with one slave, then proceeded to turn attention to me. I was strung-up on a SA Cross and She proceeded to show me why her Scene name is Lady Pact.. :)

What a night that was!

I know certain events, tactics, and situations can cause unanticipated negative responses in participants and spectators alike.

Others find it hot.

Consensual Non-Consensuality, Interrogation Play, Fire, Needle, Knife, Race, Age, Rape - Each of these could be a trigger. But we are in a space that is supposed to be accepting of others provided the people playing are following SSC or RACK modes of thought/practice.

I think SSC is passe. People could really challenge intrepretations of "Safe" and "Sane" so I think RACK really best fits what we do - "Risk-Aware Consensual Kink".

And with these thoughts, I need to get ready to go..

Peace out!

Spread thin! Last night BAM Munch, dinner on the road, late night drive to Grenville SC, spent time with my son on his B-day this morning, ran a few work-related errands, then back to ATL. Whew!!

I am sore tonight and it's going to be worse tomorrow. I'm pushing my abs workout and OMG! Ouchies!!

I went to Social Vinings tonight. It's become my Tuesday/Thursday haunt. I'm getting acquainted with the staff. They seem nice and the food/presentation really appeals to the foodie in me.

Can't wait to move down here!

I think I'm gonna catch "World War Z" this weekend.

"Don't do slang! It's like watching a Nun make-out. It's uncomfortable." - LOL

NOTE TO SELF - NEVER AGAIN use an electric trimmer to mow down pubic hair. H*ly Shi7 - That cuts!!

Owwiez... 8(

Packed last night for the trip to Atlanta.

Other than "just" my typical work duds, I packed leather pants, my boots (shamelessly dusty and haven't been worn in a few years). I packed rope. Why? Never know what opportunities might come-up..

Looking forward to a couple of activities this week and this weekend.

Feeling kinda unsure of myself these days but excited too and kinda anticipating meeting some new folks. Man, it's been a while tho..

I've never worried too much about fitting in; this may be one more of those awkward times when I don't.

We'll see how it goes.

Gotta Run!

My daughter texted me a bit ago, apparently her team is making it to the championship round(s?) for this weekends tournament. I think I'll grab a  shower and go..

Though this is a weekend when I am supposed to have my daughter, I let her mom and step-dad take her to the tournaments. I found it to be too stressful. Always by myself, surrounded by red-necks, who are very much aligned with my ex-wife.

... Just so not my scene ...

And it was causing problems for me and my daughter as well. After fours of attending, weekend-after-weekend, every Spring, Summer, and Fall; being ignored by my daughter when I'm there and spoken rudely to (I assume because she was with her mother), I've found my time with my daughter is much less stressful. Also, I don't feel like my life/weekend is getting hijacked constantly.

Anyway, gotta run!

Something I wanted to capture - So I was at work Friday morning and one of my colleagues came up to me, she's the touchy-feely sort, and she put a hand on my shoulder and asked me "How are you doing today, baby boy?"

I don't think she knew how much I appreciated that.

I'm not sure if it's the implication of innocence, an acknowledgement or fragility, or simply an off-hand comment with no true thought behind it; regardless, it took me to a nice space.

D/s can be eloborate, but it can also come-in on a very simple level.

I'm not interested in her, per se, but it was a neat little bit of feeling and thought that it sparked.

OMG - If you don't have AAA, get it!! It's SO WORTH the annual due..

Yesterday I completed a questionnaire for a Altanta-based BDSM group.

A couple of the questions (and my responses) I thought were worth posting here..

What are you looking for in a realistic BDSM relationship?

Female-led; a partner with *mostly* vanilla values; our visions and goals are shared; we're both professionally ambitious; there's a strong D/s component based on genuine respect, not deference or politeness; BDSM play; growth thru submission and time
  - Marriage/collaring
  - Children (if the interest is mutual)

Realistic long-term goals or expectations within the BDSM lifestyle?

  - Reintegration thru attending events, munches, socializing and making acquaintances
  - Exploring play/fetish with safe people
  - Learning more about myself (Journey)

Did *NOT* realize SELF was this weekend until I caught it in an email. Geez, thought it had already passed.. *sigh*

All of these same Journal entries being posted - I wonder if some CM accounts were hacked???

Based on a review of demographic data from http://zillow.com/ for Atlanta and Charlotte, I calculated the following percentages:

Singles in their 30s = 8.05% (ATL), 5.92% (CLT)
Singles in their 40s = 6.28% (ATL), 5.04% (CLT)

Go A-town!!

Patience, Planning, Finances, and Home-Buying...

So the Credit Scores are slowly moving-up to where I want them. Slowly.

Everything takes time. Everything in it's time.

But I guess at times I'm impatient.

I want it now..

I want to be able to get financed with the best rate available to the Market, mebbe even buy down a point or two.

It's taken me time to recover from years of poor decision-making - time during which I've gained a lot of self-discipline. Not a bad thing, just slow to acquire...

Have I mentioned that I may be a bit impatient? :)

I actually think that if things stay as they are, I may be debt-free by EOY with the exception of a trip I intend to take with my kids around Christmas.

*THAT* would be awesome!

I find I've learned how to plan the work and work the plan. When something gets in your way - adjust and revise, still keeping a forward direction.

It's taken me years to acquire this skill..

I don't do PMO, but I work closely with them. I tend to get the big picture and I can break it into small pieces.

Heading to bed - Kinky dreams, folks..

Wow.. :(

"Meet our process - Jasper" - just saw that commercial - that was great.. LOL

I'm not an ass, and I don't go to "mom" then "dad" for an answer - but I prefer that people have a clear direction for me if they are going to correct me.

Jeri Ryan - Still f*cking hot - She may have been "7 of 9" but she could be mebbe "3" or "4" in my list..

I feel like I'm finding my way - It's nice. :)

Heading to Social Vinings tonight, Welcome to Join

I am heading over to Social Vinings tonight around 8:30pm. Should anyone care to join me I will be wearing gray shorts and a burgandy t-shirt - most likely I will be at the bar. Social Vinings, 3621 Vinings Slope SE  Atlanta, GA 30339

Whenever I come up to my room from the hot tub or the pool, my cat licks my legs. Chlorinated water- Yuk! 8/

Bow down before the one you serve

BeTheIntrepid just contributed on a Word Tag game "A sub without a Dominant is like a soldier without orders." Ain't it true?

We can make our own structure, have to sometimes..

But many of us crave an order imposed.

"Bow down before the one you serve" but - never bow down to all. Always treat people with respect, but being selective is as important from the bottomside as it is from the Top.

You are judged by the company you keep.

Make good choices.

Nice rain.. Ready to be out for the day!

Gnite folks - Kinky dreams :)

Regarding the Cave Pic.. Actually, it was taken at a fort in Puerto Rico. :) I love PR.. My Fav vacation spot is the Caribbean. PR has the Arecibo Observatory, Bio-Luminescent Bays, and the only Rain Forest in the US National Parks system. For such a small island, I love the culture and what it brings to the table. Awesome place..

Since our conversation on Thursday, I think the PM is ready to get rid of me.

Not sure if it's business or personal since the conversation on Friday morning, but I think it's a good idea to acquiesce. Honestly, I had told her weeks ago that I could add as much value from my home as I could by being onsite. I'm okay with this.

I still have a Realtor thru Redfin and I have a potential Mortgage Broker, plus two Credit Unions to consider AND my lease in Greenville SC isn't up until April.

I want to find a place down here before EOY and get the move underway. My kids are aware. I discussed this with them over the weekend.

My intent is still to move down.

"Work from home" = work from anywhere and Atlanta has much more to offer than Greenville. I think the pond is bigger and I am hopeful of finding "the right match". Speeddate, Collarme, , SELF, DomCon, etc - I think I can make this work..

It's so hard finding the right balance of a woman. :/ Pushin on..

Perspective can be a slippery slope sometimes - Thank you, LadyPact. *Hugs*

And notice in the Journal Entry from a few minutes ago I said "I need some playtime.", in all fairness tho, I can't say I deserve it.

I'm a nice guy, but is that enough?

It's so hard to be still when you equating stopping with giving-up..

So I was thinking about this today..

I had a gf who was caring and truly tried to make me the center of her world.

What's wrong with me? Most people would love that!

Being the center of someone's world can be a bit overwhelming. You want to be wanted. Men need to feel needed. There should be love and togetherness.

But one and one make two.

And how do you stay in the game, when it's about you. Meaning, if she lavishes you with gifts for any holiday, etc - Hell, I'm doing good just to know what day it is.

In all fairness, I do remember Anniversaries, Birthdays, and the like - but I approach things modestly.

I've thought "Am I ready for another full-on (engulfing) relationship?"

Much as I wish I was in many respects, I suspect that I'm not.

I feel kinda burned-out..

I don't wanna be a "playboy at play", tho, either; I don't like that lifestyle. Is it possible to find a happy-medium? Comfortable dating, mebbe a chance for more, but not so pervasive.

Gotta think about this.

But I'm tired of thinking..

I need some playtime. Something to reset me.

Getting ready for the drive down to Atlanta tomorrow morning. I still gotta pack. :( Client meetings beginning after noon tomorrow. Think I'll dial in from the Hotel. Oiy..

I do appreciate consistency in a person.. :)

If Country Music could be categorized as Edge Play/Hard Limit, does sunburn qualify as fireplay??

Great Day! Pool-side with my kids for hours soaking in the sun, grilled, hung-out, frozen custard for dessert, then back home to their Mom's. As crazy as they can be, time with them is cherished.

I spent some time this evening catching up today with JulietHeart; it's been a while since we spoke and it amazes me, when talking, I get reminded of how many paths I've crossed. Small world.

Been laying out, cooking out, and hanging with my kids today. I'm thinkin a trip Brusters is in our near future..

To all the Fathers, Dads, and Daddys out there - Happy Father's Day, Guys!!

Kinky dreams, folks - I think I've exhausted myself. (Some days I'm like a two-year old on HFCS..)

Where would I be without a little "inspiration at a distance"? Many thanks, LadyPact.. :)

I Love You
by The Climax Blues Band
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gvDwr9-MlfE

When I was a younger man
I hadn't a care
Fooling around, hitting the town
Growing my hair

You came along and stole my heart
When you entered my life
Ooh, Babe, ya got what it take
So I made you my wife

Since then I never looked back
It's almost like a livin' a dream
And, ooh, I love you

You came along from far away
And found me here
I was playing around
Feeling down, hitting the beer

You picked me up
From off the floor
And gave me a smile
You said "You're much too young
Your life ain't begun
Let's walk for a while"

And as my head
Was spinning around
I gazed into your eyes
And thought, ooh, I want you

Thank you, Babe
For being a friend and
Shining your light in my life
Cause, ooh, I need you

As my head was coming round
I gazed into your eyes
And thought, ooh, I want you

Thanks again
For being my friend
And straightening out my life
Cause, ooh, I need you

Since then I never looked back
It's almost like a livin' a dream
And, ooh, I got you

If ever a man had it all
It would have to be me
And, ooh, I love you

Looking over these old entries..

I wrote them when S- and I fell-apart. That was a "Post-Purgatory" event, so to speak.

Why are we, the kinky fun ones, sometimes also so crazy in our demands/needs/desires?

Then again - would we be happy any other way?

I've considered that I complicate my own search in finding someone.

Did my eyes get opened to this and now, whenever I try to close them, I still can't undo what I've seen?

Is this why most people who start, then leave, eventually come back?

"Last Chance Brothel & Gas" - Great name for a business!

The movie "Cherry 2000" is unexpectedly thoughtful and decent for a B-movie..

It's a Hennessy night, so whatever I write, I write

It's a Hennessy night, so whatever I write, I write - Fuck it..

So I had to go over to the Ex-Girlfriend's place tonight to get my stuff. She looked tired. I've been there..

She wrote me a letter. She wanted me to read it before she would let me have my stuff.

Fine.

First page, second paragraph began "I can now see why some of the women in your life hate you."

I laughed when I got to that part. The rest made sense, that was just lashing-out.. I think.

I had known she wasnt right for me for about a year and I've been looking for a jump-off.

I mean, seriously - how do you break-up with a girl who is the apogee of "ideal girl friend". When I met her - she was running her own business and making her own way. Over the two years I knew her, she went down - degraded.

I don't mean to sound like an ass but we weren't married. Her problems weren't mine.

She needed to solve them.

Although I live "The Secret", I still believe that you have to put energy into a system to expect it to churn and produce the results you desire/seek (ie "nothing comes for free").

I dunno.

Ima go getter. I fail. I fucking have to lick my wounds. I try again.

I don't think people are entitled to anything. You get what you give and you may get what you go for; otherwise, it's just pure random chance.

I try to be a nice guy.

I waited for her to get on her feet, I listened to her problems, I offered some suggestions. At the end of the day - her life is her life and I'm not co-dependent.

Now this does make me think about things. Mebbe I should embrace the risk of co-dependency. Mebbe I should commit earlier-on when I find someone I think I could build a life with. But, in her case, since I started pulling back late in the first year watching her and how she responded to stresses, I saw that she really wasn't so much the person to deal with the shit she needed to.

I had a wife once. I was providing for her and my kids. I remember them taking a vacation one year when I couldn't get time off from work. That hurt. I didn't want to miss-out or not be there with my kids. I don't want someone in my life who can't take care of their stuff. Not saying I won't help, but it's gotta be give-and-take.

So...

I think I need to take few months and focus on me and what I am doing. If I could find play-partners, that would be really nice, but.. If not, I'm back to me.

I wanna get married/collared. I don't want to "date" someone for two years to see how they act. I need to see who they are quickly and figure out if this is tennable.

Damnit, I just wanna get this right.

I'm not afraid of commitment, I'm afraid of the other person not carrying their weight.

I need to have no doubt I'm not gonna be used again (accept in mutually acceptable ways).

This is why FinDommes generally annoy me.

I've met a couple of really cool ladies (FinDommes), that didn't require "tribute", but were willing to talk to me like a friend. *Those* are people of value.

I don't agree with the FinDomme angle, but there are a lot of guys who want/need to be molested in that way - so I guess they serve a niche.

Anyway..

Off to eat Tacos - yum yum yummi!!

Miss Independent
by Ne-Yo
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k6M5C-oKw9k

yeah yeah
yeah yeah
yeah yeah yeah

Ooh it's somethin' about
Just somethin about the way She move
I cant figure it out
there's somethin' about Her

said ooh its somethin about
the kinda woman that want You but dont need You
hey, i cant figure it out
there's something about Her

cause She walk like the boss
talk like the boss
manicured nails to set the pedicure off
She fly effortlessly

and She move like the boss
do what a boss do
She got me thinkin about getting involved
thats the kind of Girl i need oh

She got Her own thing
thats why i love Her
Miss Independent
wont You come and spend a little time?

She got Her own thing
thats why i love Her
Miss Independent
ooh the way you shine
Miss Independent yeah

yeah yeah
yeah yeah
yeah yeah yeah

ooh there's somethin about
the kinda woman that can do for Herself
i look at Her and it makes me proud
theres somethin about Her

theres somethin oh so sexy about
the kinda woman that dont even need my help
She said She got it and you She got it
there's something about Her

cause She work like a boss play like a boss
car and a crib She bout to pay em both off
and Her bills are paid on time

She made for a boss, only a boss
anything less She tellin them to get lost
thats the Girl thats on my mind

She got Her own thing
thats why i love Her
Miss Independent
wont You come and spend a little time?

She got Her own thing
thats why i love Her
Miss Independent
ooh the way we shine
Miss Independent yeah

mmm Her favorite thing to say
dont worry i got it
mmm and everything She got
best believe She bought it

mmm She gon' steal my heart
aint no doubt about it
Girl you're everything i need
said you're everything i need

yeah yeah
yeah yeah
yeah yeah yeah oh

She got Her own thing
thats why i love Her
Miss Independent
wont you come and spend a little time?

She got Her own thing
thats why i love Her
Miss Independent
ooh the way we shine
Miss Independent yeah

Miss Independent
thats why i love Her

Thoughts on Dominance...

One more entry, then it's time to lay in the sun for a bit.

There have been people in my life who, when annoyed or having a disagreement, take a flatter tone than usual in conversation, but you can tell they are working their brain trying to make sure they are listening and are clear about what's being communicated with the goal, I think, being two-fold:

1) "Firewall-up" to ensure they aren't hurt
2) "Actively Listening" to ensure that they understand the problem at hand

I admire this quality in a woman. It speaks to how deeply centered they are.

When I was married, my exwife was physically abusive at times. She still has an explosive personality and tries to emotionally hurt me. I can't say I don't retalliate, but more often than not, I do try to take the higher road first.

In South Carolina, "Safe Harbor" is a charity near to my heart. Abuse in a relationship, does happen against men.

I gravitate toward controlling women who understand Power.

Power isn't ever held by the shouting, enraged child, throwing punches at every body around him. Power is control - be it "self" or "external".

One of the keys to me, is you.

Thinking back to my last lifestyle date..

It was a about three years back. We met on CM, and She drove down from Asheville to meet at a local Italian restaurant. Pretty woman, interesting, and a great conversationalist - We had a nice date. As the date concluded, we were going out to our cars and I asked her about some of her interests/fetishes.

She spit on me. (Then wiped it off.. That was one of her fetishes.)

I'm not sure if it was a sylvia thing, or a humiliation/degradion thing. I just couldn't quite figure what to do with it.

There's markings, acts/rituals; symbols of ownership. Some I've had done, some I'm curious about, some scare the bejeeves outa me. Some indicate permanence, some are just for play. Much to learn here.

Hmm..

Just got back to my place from running a few errands earlier. They are draining the pond again. Not sure why this year. I'm concerned for the fish, turtles, geese, and even the snakes.. :(

Youtube bit from the Movie "Due Date", this is the Facebook friends piece by Zach Galifianakis - You're welcome :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wkiTFbSmSqc

How does play fulfill you personally, and what place does it have in your kinky encounters or relationships?

How much play time do you expect to have in your life, and have your expectations changed with time and circumstance, or do you think they will change depending on your future involvements with others?

Great topic.. I tried to stay on-topic, but forgive me if this strays a bit. Also, bear in mind, I haven't played for a long long time. Really played. that is.

For me, nature of play depends on relationship with the other person.

If we're friends, then impact (percussion), role (kidnap), rope/bondage - anything we can negotiate and it's usually fine with me to alter (re-negotiate) during the scene assuming we're both going someplace we want.

Play builds depth/dimension to trust and freindship. It may have a sexual undertone, and that can be ran with to a degree; however, if there is someone "special" in the Domme's life, then the play is fun, the after-care is a special time, but there's no implication or expectation beyond that. The scene/s can provide an emotional release/fantasy fulfillment for both of us; but at the end of our time together, we both have our respective paths. Not that they won't most likely intertwine, but just that there can't be a dependency there.

I've met some wonderful people and had some incredible "firsts" (for me) during the years that I was active. I still have a lot of "firsts" to cover..

What I'd really like to find would be a D/s-play-marriage relationship; active in the BDSM community, but held privately. I'm looking for someone articulate, driven, passionate, and more powerful than me. Mebbe some Manager-type? I've got my lists to go by - wants, needs, etc. Ne-Yo's song "Miss Independent" is an excellent reference too. :)

Thur a BDSM relationship, I want Her to guide me and groom me; help me to become a better man. Build our relationship. BDSM is a great way to create trust and feel-out limits, get inside a person's head, entrench and intertwine yourselves. Pain, torment, love, sex, hot, cold - sometimes it all runs together.

In this venue, a couple could really exceed the limits of "conventional".

Conversely, in this venue, it's common for people to "overdrive their headlights" (love that expression..) and there's potential to inadvertently break the toys.

Wisdom and temperment have to factor in here. If She can see beyond Her own desires, mebbe She can plot a course for the couple. Where She leads, I'd follow. And, realistically, mebbe sometimes I'd have to lead.

I chase leadership professionally, but I know my limits. At work, I do what I do well.

But this would be bigger than me..

Locked in my Hotel for staying down in Atlanta on the weekend of the 29th..

I've been itchy about a cost-model we started putting together for a project. I think I made some major improvements to make it more realistic tonight. Yay me!!

"You're smart, skilled, willing to push yourself for the right person, have social skills, and an excellent communicator.  These are very sought after qualities in a submissive man.  I don't think you realize how far ahead of the pack that you would be if you would really put yourself on the market."

Sometimes it helps to be reminded.. :)

It doesn’t interest me
where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know
what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

It's a common saying - "Perception is reality." I try to stay real.

I hate when I misintrepret something but I do love mixed singals. Hot and cold, intimacy and distance - it's a total turn-on.

It's a challange; it's a seduction..

Game over with PM. I lost.. :(

No more private, personal conversations behind closed doors. She didn't understand why/how I might have intrepreted that as her having an interest in a relationship with me.

*sigh*

She was an inspiration for me to detach from my prior gf and move along with my search.

Guess that's it..

Met a guy at Social Vinings. He's a Mortgage Broker.

Like I keep saying, when the time is right, you'll get the green lights.

I see 'em..

I know Atlanta is the right move for me.

Time for bed - Kinky dreams, folks!

If you b interested in a career in Pimpin' - The South Park episode on Comedy Central right now is for *you*!

I've been kind of curt to the PM at work this week.

Last week, when she was trying to make arrangements for a rental car to go to her GrandMa's house to begin rationalizing her belongings, I helped her in finding a cost-effective rental solution.

I texted her on Saturday and wished her a good trip.

Never heard anything back.

Monday came and went at work - No communication.

Had I gone too far? Said something I shouldn't have said?

Monday was a LLLOOONNNGGG day..

I guess it's silence, and some fear of abandonment - it triggered in me.

I don't like silence.

Or abandonment.

Nobody does.

Yesterday, she asked me to do her a favor. I declined.

Inside, I'm feeling shaken and vulnerable.

Desire without fulfillment.

I want to explain to her - how I want to be at her feet and at her side. How much importance I give her every request.

I'm burning alone..

I can't tell her those things. Entirely.

But I do want to explain my curt behavior. Tell her that I am vulnerable right now. Just let her know why I am putting-up a firewall.

She doesn't need to know more.

Why are women like this so rare?

I try to keep focused on work, keep an optimistic outlook. I'm not pessimistic by nature.

I am afraid, however, to touch my own sorrow right now. I feel it runs deep. Not just this situation, but a thousand other things that have happened in my life.

Mebbe a part of me needs to cry..

I've been kind of curt to the PM at work this week.

Last week, when she was trying to make arrangements for a rental car to go to her GrandMa's house to begin rationalizing her belongings, I helped her in finding a cost-effective rental solution.

I texted her on Saturday and wished her a good trip.

Never heard anything back.

Monday came and went at work - No communication.

Had I gone too far? Said something I shouldn't have said?

Monday was a LLLOOONNNGGG day..

I guess it's silence, and some fear of abandonment - it triggered in me.

I don't like silence.

Or abandonment.

Nobody does.

Yesterday, she asked me to do her a favor. I declined.

Inside, I'm feeling shaken and vulnerable.

Desire without fulfillment.

I want to explain to her - how I want to be at her feet and at her side. How much importance I give her every request.

I'm burning alone..

I can't tell her those things. Entirely.

But I do want to explain my curt behavior. Tell her that I am vulnerable right now. Just let her know why I am putting-up a firewall.

She doesn't need to know more.

Why are women like this so rare?

I try to keep focused on work, keep an optimistic outlook. I'm not pessimistic by nature.

I am afraid, however, to tough my own sorrow right now. I feel it runs deep. Not just, but a thousand other things that have happened in my life.

Mebbe a part of me needs to cry..

What Submission Means to Me - Part 1

Submission, in it's rawest form, is subjugating your will, your needs, and your desires in an effort to esteem or fulfill another's wants, needs, and desires.  In my case, it's similiar - but not always quite so selfless.

I'm not really "Service-Oriented", per se, however, I do offer and like to help folks when there's a need. It makes me feel good. I think that's the basis for the act of giving.

Protocol is beautiful in it's on light, and rituals shared between two people can be quite centering for the couple. I've never gotten far into either, tho. Little opportunity. And, I'm not always comfortable in some situations. Guess that's something I could use a little help with.

Those things said, really I feel that I live my submission follows two simple rules:

1) Treat other people the way you want to be treated
2) Be a gentleman

... I didn't get as far with this exercise tonight as I wanted to, but this *is* a start

I have a happy pussy tonight. My cat's always so happy when we're at the Hotel..

Q-tips, beer, and Prilosec - Really? - What kind of a shopping list is this for a grown man? :/

Sometimes I feel like I'm just flapping my arms uselessly. I find it irksome that some folks don't respond to email.

Guess we all get that way sometimes (overloaded and non-responsive), but really - it does come across as rather rude.

I guess I don't associate "rude" with Dominant. The people I've known reallife just don't typically behave this way.

Mebbe its the difference, the distance; makes it easier to behave like this.

To dine is divine..

Time for tired pervs like myself to head to bed. 8am meeting. I'm almost sure my PM is a Sadist.. Kinky dreams, folks!

Here's To Us
by Halestorm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PLfYkMxvbyA

We could just go home right now
Or maybe we could stick around
For just one more drink
Oh yeah

Get another bottle out
Let's shoot the shit, sit back down
For just one more drink
Oh yeah

Here's to us
Here's to love
All the times the we fucked up
Here's to you
Fill the glass
Cause the last few days have kicked my ass
So let's give 'em hell
Wish everybody well
Here's to us
Here's to us

We stuck it out this far together
Put our dreams through the shredder
Let's toast cause things
Got Better

And everything could change like that
And all these years have gone so fast
But nothing lasts
Forever

So here's to us
Here's to love
All the times the we messed up
Here's to you
Fill the glass
Cause the last few nights have kicked my ass
If they give you hell
Tell 'em go fuck themselves
Here's to us
Here's to us

Here's to all that we kissed
And to all that we missed
To the biggest mistakes
That we just wouldn't trade

To us breaking up
Without us breaking down
To whatever's coming our way

Here's to us
Here's to love
All the times that we fucked up
Here's to you
Fill the glass
Cause the past few days have kicked my ass
So let's give 'em Hell
Wish everybody well
Here's to us

Here's to us
Here's to love
All the times the we messed up
Here's to you
Fill the glass
Cause the last few nights have kicked my ass
If they give you hell
Tell 'em go fuck themselves
(Go fuck themselves)
Here's to us
(Here's to us)

Here's to us
(Here's to us)

Here's to us
Here's to love
Here's to us
(Wish everybody well)

Here's to us
Here's to love
Here's to us

Here's to us

Embassy Suites - Atlanta Fashion Shoes and Accessory Market - An ideal event during a stay for a guy with a heel and stocking fetish???

NOOO temptation whatsoever...

*whistles innocently*

Think I am gonna skip the workout tonight:

1) Belly fat just doesn't wanna go away :(
2) Really really tired tonight
3) Need to make a Visio to explain somethings
4) Have an 8am meeting I have to be prepared to lead tomorrow

... Ugh

You know, it's awful. Some people don't know when it's "Game over".

I am saying this about one particular situation, but I know it applies/has applied to me sometimes too. What is it that's said about be careful when you point..

Didn't sleep well last night..

Doing laundry and getting ready for the trek down to Atlanta in the morning. I'm feeling a little outa sorts tonight..

Gotta love Katt Williams..

Oh what to do for lunch?! My daughter has practice in (2) hours.

Lunch
Lunch
Lunch

Oh yeah, need coffee too!!

Watching "Escape from LA" .. Don't remember "Escape from New York" being this cheesy..

Fear and Love
by Stavesacre

In the smallest of hours a thought pulled me out
Of perfect, numbing, ordinary dreams
It pulled me from the deep

Restless, a pressure and tension had grown
A question of purpose shook my heart of stone:
What if after all of this, my life should come up short in the final scales?
Should I wait for time to tell?

For the longing and sorrow I know to be true –
What have I offered but the portion of fools?
Detached; indifferent; and safe behind this jaded heart of mine.
Dear Lord, what happened to the time?

Fear and love at war again
(Today Today Today)
After all, it comes back down to this
For peace
And peace of mind

For mothers and fathers and all they hold dear
Children covered up under constant fear
Shall I fold hope from corner to corner and lay it in their hands?
And say, “Be at peace and on your way”?

I can feel it beating under waves of will
A hot pulse somehow burning still
I know Love casts out fear
But all this time I’ve pushed it far away
And it’s too much to take

Fear and love at war again
(Today Today Today)
After all, it comes back down to this
For peace
And peace of mind at last

Fear and love at war again
After all it comes back down to this
Again
(Today Today Today)
Again
(Today Today Today)

Fear and love at war again
After all it comes back down to this
For peace.
For peace.
For peace.
For peace.

Ugh. I'm evil.

Had the final phone call tonight.

We're broken-up.

Geez, there's never a good "ending". At least I haven't found one yet. one person usually leaves relatively unscythed, the other person is usually broken to some degree.

Yeah, it sucks.

We dated for two years. I started holding-back late in the first year. She was going through some changes and I felt compelled to see how she handled them.

She acused me of "grading" her..

Not really so much, but I *was* watching her.

Until you're married, each person's life is their own responsibility. After marriage, lives become really much more interdependent/intertwined.

I'm not going to fall into the same abyss that I was in from my first marriage.

This woman wasn't anything like my exwife, except that she lacked any evidence of ambition that I could see. She was realtionship-focused and Toppish, but not really Dominant nor an "achiever"-type.

Mebbe I sound like an ass for the second time this evening, but I know what I want. I don't wanna spend two years spinning around again.

I think there needs to be a limit - for instance, if you don't know in (4) months what you want to do with someone, you should probably move on. Life's short. Find what you're looking for, if you're so inclined.

I don't have all of the answers, but I'm trying to find my way too - like a child in the dark sometimes.. :(

The $9.99 box of Shiraz at Trader Joes - The root of all evil?

Women who are not H:W proportionate (within reason) do nothing for me. After all, why should I allow you to control me if you can't control yourself?

I don't mean to sound ill, and there may be extinuating circumstances - but at a high-level, this applies.

Fitness should be important..

Just hung out at the pool with my daughter and friends. Good times!

Two things I don't do:

Skinny jeans (on guys)
Shirts with pockets

Tonight I feel like I've already blown it.. I think I've pushed too hard onto the PM. She's handled everything with tact and grace, but my neediness and desire are just consuming me. It's spilling out.

I figured a part of it out. I get a D/s feed from her, just due to her personality. It's the way she's wired. And I respond to it like a fucking tuning fork.

I just wanna find my Lilith; Make her my Queen.

Women like her are so hard to find..

Too many compromises.

Will I ever get this dance right?

Made a lengthy journal entry earlier, then my cellphone  burped and into the electronic ether it went. :(

So now I'm on my laptop.

I had a wonderful day today. Email exchange with a friend. She's off for a kinky-long weekend with a group she belongs to in Alaska. I wonder how cold it will be for everybody there? Hmm..

Anyway, my day started out today with no near collisions from motorcycle riders. That was a weird thing yesterday...

At wokr we have these awful all-day meetings going on. Literally, all-day. We sit from 8a-5p breaking occasionally and taking a brief lunch. We did it yesterday. We did it today. We'll do it tomorrow.

Exhausting.

Multiple projects in flight. The project I consult for is one of them. They are all inter-dependent, but really, the services my technology delivers aren't changing between present-state, near-term state, and future-state.

These meetings are just grueling..

Around 2pm, someone stood-up and whispered in my ear that he was going to go make the Kool-Aid to pass around. I cracked-up!

Eh..

A colleague, alright, the PM I'm attracted to, introduced me to a website called redfin.com. It looks like a terrific real-estate resource, so I am hoping to gain some traction soon.

I had another awesome workout tonight. I think next week, I may bring down my gloves. Nothing better to get into that competitive mindset when working out.

Went to Macy's earlier and exchanged a shirt that I discovered didn't fit this week. So, though normally I am tied to the Van Huesen line, their shirts these days have pockets (and I detest pockets). Found some Alfani shirts, slim fit, stretch - man they're sharp. Love the colors too. Bought two. :)

Swapna for dinner, Starbucks for some tea and Internet.

Time to head to the Hotel.

Peace folks!

Gads - midnight already and tomorrow a continuation of the 8am all day meetings. Oiy..

A long week.

Think I will take my daughter to see "The Purge" this weekend..

Had a strange day today..

I started out with a terrific email, but then it went kinda haywire for a bit.

I was sitting at a light for the intersection of Cobb Pkwy amd I-285 and a motorcyclist was turning from Cobb onto the lanes for I-285. He turned wide and fast and in front of everyone he went down. The bike did a little flakey flailey and hit the side of a pickup truck. The biker had been dismounted a split second before that happened.

The dude who was driving the truck that got hit, got out and checked on his truck. Don't think he gave a shit about the biker.

The biker was up and walking; thank G-d for headgear.. He didn't seem hurt, but he was pre-occupied and pissed.

I called to him a few times to see if he was okay, finally the guy standing outside of his truck heard my calls and got the guys attention. Apparently, the biker was okay.

I drove on up to Starbucks, got coffee, then started to drive to work. When I passed the intersection, the guy was off in the grass and on his cell phone.

I felt bad. I shoulda stopped, but we had an 8am meeting today so I was kinda in a rush.

I felt wierd for the driver of the truck too -he was worried first about his truck, then finally about the person.

I guess we all have f*cked-up priorities sometimes. :(

I just walked in and sit down, my cat starts crawling all over me and kissing me. Love it!

I woke-up to an email that just made me feel great.

Sometimes, when I look at myself, I think I'm freaking awesome, but then reality sits in (or my perception thereof), and all that I can see are the cracks and the flaws.

I've always said the best reflection of ourselves is in someone else's eyes.

Its so refreshing when someone else sees what you can't. She made me feel outstanding..

I Will Not Go Quietly
by Don Henley
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LKESMNuSpVc

Woke up with a heavy head
And I thought about leavin' town
I could have died if I wanted to
Slipped over the edge and drowned
But, oh no baby, I won't give up that easy, no
Too many tire tracks in the sands of time
Too many love affairs that stop on a dime, well, oh baby
I think it's time to make some changes 'round here

Yeah, I'm gonna tear it up
Gonna trash it up
I'm gonna round it up
Gonna shake it up
Oh, no, baby, I will not lie down

I'm brave enough to be crazy
I'm strong enough to be weak
I see all these heroes with feet of clay
Whose mighty ships have sprung a leak
And I want you to tell me darlin'
Just what do you believe in now?
Well, c'mon over here baby
You 'bout to gimme a heart attack
I wanna wrap my lovin' arms
Around the small of your back
Yeah, and I'm gonna pull you, pull you, pull you
Pull you right up close to me

Yeah we're gonna tear it up
We gonna trash it up
Gonna round it up
Gonna shake it up
Oh, no no no, I will not lie down

Turn this thing around
I will not go quietly
I will not lie down
I will not go quietly
I will not lie down
I will not go quietly
I will not lie down
No, I will not lie down


Well, don't you ever get lonely?
Don't you ever get down?
Don't you ever get tired
Of all the wicked tongues in this town?
Ohhh, baby, I just wanna take you away from here
Yeah, I ain't no tiger
I ain't no little lamb
Suppose you tell me mama
Who do you think I think I am?
And ooh baby, don't you give a damn?

Yeah, I'm gonna tear it up
Gonna trash it up
Gonna round it up
Gonna shake it up
Ohh baby, I will not lie down

Turn this thing around
I will not go quietly
I will not lie down
I will not go quietly (I won't go)
I will not lie down
I will not go quietly
I will not lie down
No I will not lie down, no

Workouts be gettin serious!

I kick my own butt..

Jump rope
20mins HIIT on a stationary bicycle
Situps
Weighted Situps
Weighted Twistie Situps
Planks

30-40 mins total and I am soaked in a puddle of sweat when its thru.

This feels good and I feel my body getting tighter. Gotta get this to 5x per week, then I'll be satisfied..

Bad Kids
by Lady GaGa
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aL22ZQHQTxk

We don't care what people say, we know the truth
Enough is enough of this horse shit
I am not a freak, I was born with my free gun
Don't count me out less than my freedom!

I'm a bitch, I'm a loser baby maybe I should quit
I'm a jerk, wish I had the money but I can't find work
I'm a brat, I'm a selfish punk, I really should be smacked
My parents tried until they got divorced 'cuz I ruined their lives

I'm a bad kid and I will survive
Oh I'm a bad kid, don't know wrong from right
I'm a bad kid and this is my life
One of the bad kids, don't know wrong from right

Don't be insecure if your heart is pure
You're still good to me if you're a bad kid baby
Don't be insecure if your heart is pure
You're still good to me if you're a bad kid baby
A bad kid baby
Don't be insecure

I'm a twit, degenerate young rebel and I'm proud of it
Pump your fist if you would rather mess up than put up with this
I'm a nerd, I chew gum and smoke in your face, I'm absurd
I'm so bad and I don't give a damn, I love it when you're mad
When you're mad, when you're mad

I'm a bad kid and I will survive
Oh I'm a bad kid, don't know wrong from right
I'm a bad kid and this is my life
One of the bad kids, don't know wrong from right

Don't be insecure if your heart is pure
You're still good to me if you're a bad kid baby
Don't be insecure if your heart is pure
You're still good to me if you're a bad kid baby
A bad kid baby
A bad kid baby
Don't be insecure

I'm not that typical baby
I'm a bad kid like my mom and dad made me
I'm not that cool and you hate me
I'm a bad kid, that's the way that they made me

I'm a bad kid I'm just
Give me your money or I'll hold my breath
I'm a bad kid and I will survive
One of the bad kids, don't know wrong from right

Don't be insecure if your heart is pure
You're still good to me if you're a bad kid baby
Don't be insecure if your heart is pure
You're still good to me if you're a bad kid baby
A bad kid baby

A bad kid baby
A bad kid baby
A bad kid baby

Sometimes, it seems, I can't get "there" fast enough. I'm afraid that if I move too slowly, I just get left behind.. Any motion is (usually) better than paralysis, BUT gotta make smart moves.

Headache? Workout?

Trying to find out what changes if I do move to Atlanta.

I still think this is the right thing to do.

Aligning myself for a change.

So trying to catch-up on Charmed episodes from way back (love NetFlix) - What happened to Prue?

She disappeared between Seasons 3 and 4.

Looks like the rain has slowed - time to make a run for my car..

So in consideration of moving, I am looking at bettering the odds - for being in a place with more single women and, preferably, a ratio of single women to single men of, like 2:1 at a minimum.

Best I have found so far to look at is 2010 Census data, which indicates there is no state with a 2:1 ratio such as I'd like to find. :(

Interesting tho - California has the most singles at around 37MM and Texas is the second highest at 25MM. I am seeing why SC has so little selection to offer with singles being at 4MM.

Some states the statistics are downright dismal, tho - looks like you have to come in married or possibly, their younguns are betrothed at birth. ;)

http://www.census.gov/prod/cen2010/briefs/c2010br-03.pdf

The Impression That I Get
by The Mighty Mighty Bosstones

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NIGMUAMevH0

Have you ever been close to tragedy
Or been close to folks who have?
Have you ever felt the pain so powerful
So heavy you collapse?

No? Well, I never had to knock on wood
But I know someone who has
Which makes me wonder if I could
It makes me wonder if

I've never had to knock on wood
And I'm glad I haven't yet
Because I'm sure it isn't good
That's the impression that I get

Have you ever felt the odds stacked up so high
You need a strength most don't possess?
Or has it come down to do or die?
You've got to rise above the rest

No? Well, I never had to knock on wood
But I know someone who has
Which makes me wonder if I could
It makes me wonder if

I've never had to knock on wood
And I'm glad I haven't yet
Because I'm sure it isn't good
That's the impression that I get

I'm not a coward
I've just never been tested
I'd like to think that if I was
I would pass

Look at the tested,
And think there but for the grace go I
Might be a coward
I'm afraid of what I might find out

I've never had to knock on wood
But I know someone who has
Which makes me wonder if I could
It makes me wonder if

I've never had to knock on wood
And I'm glad I haven't yet
Because I'm sure it isn't good
That's the impression that I get

I've never had to, but I'd better knock on wood
'Cause I know someone who has
Which makes me wonder if I could
It makes me wonder if

I've never had to, I better knock on wood
Because I'm sure it isn't good
And I'm glad I haven't yet
That's the impression that I get

I long to be bound again. It's been years now since I've played with anybody outside of some light bedroom bondage. So not the same thing.

Recent conversations have reminded me of times on crosses. Pain, enticement, timelessness - it all ran together. Then a caring friend at the end.

I always knew that I was physically safe. I never played with amateurs.

And I always knew that I was emotionally safe because these women already had well-established primary relationships, so there really wasn't anything there for me.

Though I have played while in the context of a relationship, the last time I let someone get that close, we ripped each other to shreds.

I still want it.

But I need a wise woman to lead me to it.

Female-led relationships.

I don't relinquish control easily. There has to be merit. A person has to have successfully navigated the waters with her own ship before I can let her steer mine.

I'm beginning to despair - nothing new with Zombie legions.. :(

Watching "Extinction" a free rental on xBox tonight..

I Will Not Bow
by Breaking Benjamin
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xVJuKnO4J_s

Fall

Now the dark begins to rise
Save your breath, it's far from over
Leave the lost and dead behind
Now's your chance to run for cover

I don't want to change the world
I just wanna leave it colder
Light the fuse and burn it up
Take the path that leads to nowhere

All is lost again
But I'm not giving in

I will not bow
I will not break
I will shut the world away
I will not fall
I will not fade
I will take your breath away

Fall

Watch the end through dying eyes
Now the dark is taking over
Show me where forever dies
Take the fall and run to Heaven

All is lost again
But I'm not giving in

I will not bow
I will not break
I will shut the world away
I will not fall
I will not fade
I will take your breath away

And I'll survive, paranoid
I have lost the will to change
And I am not proud, cold-blooded fake
I will shut the world away

Open your eyes!

I will not bow
I will not break
I will shut the world away
I will not fall
I will not fade
I will take your breath away

And I'll survive, paranoid
I have lost the will to change
And I am not proud, cold-blooded fake
I will shut the world away

Fall!

Oxytocin - chemically inducing fondness/familiarity? - hmmm...

Just noticed the Volunteer button. Interesting..

Looking forward to being back in Atlanta next week..

Spaghetti, marinara, red wine and a pack of Little Debbie's Swiss Rolls - YUMMM...

I love my job .. but if I didn't have a sense of humour

Updated my Site's MX (Mail Exchange) records today. It used to be "allow up to 48 hours to propagate" but I was able to see the effects immediately.

I used to loathe changing records. Little details seem to break the solution and since I don't do this often, I sometimes don't catch it quickly.

Mailflow is kinda a big thing. You don't want it down for long.

It took me about 30mins to get my MX records updated.

Not bad, not horribly painful - eh.

Been a good day, but a long day - Gotta hit the hay - Kinky dreams, folks!

Sometimes the only way to turn a loser into a winner is to average-down and let it move-up from there..

You remain responsible.. Forever...
For what you have tamed.

   - Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Choosing a Dominant

A new acquaintance posted this yesterday, and I thought it was worthy of passing along via Journal post again..

Test #1
When in doubt, throw it out! Don't waste your time with people that make you feel uncomfortable. Even if the guy was a real Dom, if his personality makes you feel uncomfortable, he's not going to be fun to play with.

Test #2
"You'd better call me Sir!" is the mating call of a HNG or control freak. Real Doms don't have to ask for titles, we earn them. Most real Doms will say things like "Please, call me Mike..."

Test #3
"I want you to take my collar before you play with me." This is another common demand of fakes, most often made by control freaks. They have to isolate you from other people and their advice, and sometimes a little ole "cyber-collar" is just the thing! Cyber-collars are worth less than the leather required to make one.

Test #4
If you get an Instant Message that says something like "On your knees you [slave, slut, bitch, whore, etc.]" This person is an HNG. Use some common sense here. Why waste time with somebody that's not even polite? There's a time and a place for these endearing terms, and it isn't online!

Test #5
"I don't have to answer that question!" or "It's not proper etiquette for you to ask a Master that." These are examples of some the dangerous lies that control freaks and snerts use. This is the Acid test I personally think is the most important! A Dom had better be ready to at least try and answer every question you have, and honestly at that! It's literally your ass that's on the line! Never forget this!

Test #6
"It's my way or the highway!" or words to that effect, are the mating cry of the common control freak. Doms can have limits too, but it's your limits that count FIRST. Don't let any would-be "Dom" tell you differently. Don't let any of the wannabe subs tell you differently either. Where Male Dom/fem sub play is concerned, it's always lady's choice! [I slightly disagree here, only in that I think that ANYONE'S hard limits should come first. If either party seriously does not want to partake in something, neither should pressure the other into such things. And trust me, it can come from either end.]

Test #7
Don't bother with online collars. Don't make decisions about a prospective partner based on his online play style. It's a very simple test if you think about it: Would a real-life Dominant waste much time on cyber sex and cyber domination? Please take my word for it; The answer is no. Forget it, once you've done the real thing, cyber is just too damn dull.

Test #8
Ask your prospect if he's ever made any mistakes during a scene. If he says "no," run for your life! If he says, "very rarely," at least be suspicious. Everyone makes mistakes, even if they are experienced and skilled. Sometimes submissives have limits they don't even know about, and even the most careful and skilled Dom in the world will trip over these occasionally. Remember, according to our good friends of the Christian faith, the last perfect guy to walk this planet got nailed to a tree for his trouble. So expect competence, but not miracles.

Test #9
"I'm a [bank president, captain of industry, combat photographer, self-made millionaire... yadda yadda yadda.]" Wouldn't it be nice to meet a rich Dom too? Sure it would! But use some common sense. How many captains of industry have hours to spend in an AOL chat room? Also, think about this personality profile; If this super successful, always-in-control person is really into BDSM, he's likely a submissive! Worse yet, it could very likely mean he is a control freak. I have met a lot of submissives that fit this ambitious profile, but not one Dom yet!

Test #10
"I'm 33 years old, and I've been a Master for 15 years." Gimme a break! What are the odds? When you ask about a Dom's level of experience (and it's a good idea to do so) remember to do the math as well. 18-year-old boys don't care about the intricacies of BDSM; they want to get laid. Trust me on this one Ladies, I was an 18-year-old boy once! I personally believe that people do become what they are (be it gay, straight, Dom or sub) very early in life, but it takes maturity and training to be a Master. What are the odds a person became a Master when they were still using Clearasil?

Test #11
Ask for references! Especially if he claims to be "very experienced." Talk to the references on the phone. Lots of HNGs have female screen-names set up to act as "references" for them! I notice that a lot of newbies seem to have trouble with this concept. Which is understandable since in the vanilla world it's considered rude to talk to a guy's ex-girlfriend. However, in the BDSM scene it's the opposite; experienced Dominants should accept and accommodate this kind of request gladly.

Test #12
"I have three real-life collared slaves right now, but you can't talk to them." OK, when you consider the ratio and all, this sounds possible. What makes this an acid test failed (and failed miserably at that) is the last part. I have met couples (and even triads) that really were looking for an extra person to add to the mix. This is not uncommon at all in the scene. But these couples were looking together. If a "Dom" has anyone already collared to them, you probably ought to talk to her first!

Test #13
"I don't need safewords." Well of course he doesn't! If he said this he's likely a snert and therefore he's never really been in a scene! Of course he might be a predator too, and then he wouldn't need safewords either. Need I say more?

Test #14
"My slaves trust me to set their limits for them." If you hear a "Dom" say this it's most likely because these slaves only exist in his mind. Or worse still, his "slave" is simply the victim of spousal abuse. Even so-called TPE (Total Power Exchange) and other sorts of 24/7 (i.e. full time) BDSM relationships should involve careful and thorough negotiation.

Test #15
"I'm married, my wife can't know about us" If I have to explain this one to you, you've got problems. I have played with many married submissives in my time, but only with the express permission (and more often than not, participation) of their husbands. Safe BDSM requires complete honesty. You can't build a good scene on lies. There are plenty of people that will be willing to tell you differently; but please note, they will all turn out to be adulterers (and hence, liars) themselves.

Test #16
Real Masters/Mistress's are not required to negotiate. That's a bullshit line if one was ever told. In the beginning, everything is open for not only discussion but negotiation. If you come across this one, run like hell. [This one I take to heart soooo much!!]

Test #17
Insert your own Acid Test here: You will learn much from your mistakes and missteps. If you form an online contact with a "Dom" that falls through, analyze why it fell through. Don't make the same mistakes twice if you can help it.

Realizing something this morning..

Sometimes I don't even like my own company.

Dealing with certain people in my life makes me so frustrated and angry. It's like whenever any conversation rubs that surface, a plethora of negativity spills out. Conversational vomit.

I don't want to be like this.. It's only one area, but I don't like the shadow that it casts.

I wanna focus on "good" and "happy". Sure we all have frustrations, but overall, I want to rise above.

How do I get my wings?

So much to let go of..

I believe that the best way to show a change is thru action, not words.

How do you let go of anger, resentment, jealousy, and hate?

Distance would help. Is it a cure?

In accordance with The Secret, "I'm so happy and grateful now that: ___"
(Comments/repost welcome..)

An excellent workout ending on the follwoing song... Tap the energy!

Down With The Sickness
by Disturbed

Can you feel that?
Ah, shit

Drowning deep in my sea of loathing
Broken, your servant, I kneel
(Will you give in to me?)
It seems what's left of my human side
Is slowly changing in me
(Will you give in to me?)

Looking at my own reflection
When suddenly it changes
Violently it changes (oh no)
There is no turning back now
You've woken up the demon in me

Get up, come on get down with the sickness
Get up, come on get down with the sickness
Get up, come on get down with the sickness
Open up your hate, and let it flow into me
Get up, come on get down with the sickness
You mother get up come on get down with the sickness
You fucker get up come on get down with the sickness
Madness is the gift, that has been given to me

I can see inside you, the sickness is rising
Don't try to deny what you feel
(Will you give in to me?)
It seems that all that was good has died
And is decaying in me
(Will you give in to me?)

It seems you're having some trouble
In dealing with these changes
Living with these changes (oh no)
The world is a scary place
Now that you've woken up the demon in me

Get up, come on get down with the sickness
Get up, come on get down with the sickness
Get up, come on get down with the sickness
Open up your hate, and let it flow into me
Get up, come on get down with the sickness
You mother get up come on get down with the sickness
You fucker get up come on get down with the sickness
Madness is the gift, that has been given to me

(And when I dream)
(And when I dream)
(And when I dream)
(And when I dream)

No mommy, don't do it again
Don't do it again
I'll be a good boy
I'll be a good boy, I promise
No mommy don't hit me
Why did you have to hit me like that, mommy?
Don't do it, you're hurting me
Why did you have to be such a bitch
Why don't you,
Why don't you just fuck off and die
Why can't you just fuck off and die
Why can't you just leave here and die
Never stick your hand in my face again bitch
FUCK YOU
I don't need this shit
You stupid sadistic abusive fucking whore
Would you like to see how it feels mommy
Here it comes, get ready to die

Get up, come on get down with the sickness
Get up, come on get down with the sickness
Get up, come on get down with the sickness
Open up your hate, and let it flow into me
Get up, come on get down with the sickness
You mother get up come on get down with the sickness
You fucker get up come on get down with the sickness
Madness has now come over me

http://www.metacafe.com/watch/wm-

A10302B0000099932P/disturbed_down_with_the_sickness_official_music_video/

Aw right - To exercise it is..

GUILTY - I like to comment on Journal entries, both good and bad..

My cat has mostly slept all day.

He just creeped-up beside me, ploped into his bed, and already he's pawing it to purrfection .. It's not fair!

The lil bastard has slept ALL DAY!!

To exercise or not to exercise - that is the question. Whether tis nobler...

Eh.

Yada yada

I got a headache.. :S

Project Managers *love* the Directory Services knowledge I bring to an engagement. Add that with my casual, friendly style, and my disarming approach - this is why I get paid.

And this is just one more reason why I'm hottt..

*chuckles*

So, apparently, whenever you revise a journal entry, it reposts - Sorry for the spam, folks..

So where do I start?

I had a terrific weekend with my daughter. Around 8pm last night I got pulled from my "me" time. My daughter was frantic and my exwife was in tears.

Apparently my son, who will be 20 at the end of June, went home (he lives with his mom, sister, and step-dad) drunk.

My son and his mom had words (why you would engage someone who is drunk, I'll never know - it's a recipe for disaster). Everything became heated. He wanted to leave. They hid his keys. The situation spiraled out of control.

While I was driving over, he pushed my exwife to the ground, pushed his step-dad to the ground, and put an elbow into my daughter's face (I think unintentionally, but I am not sure). My daughter, thankfully, called the Police.

When I arrived, there were three police cars, and three policemen talking with the step-dad. My son had been arrested. Nobody is pressing charges, but a lot of damaage had been done to everyone emotionally.

I think my son is in trouble. Not legally, but emotionally. I think he is out-of-control and I think he is angry. He's been in this mode for a couple of years now..

I've wanted to get him into a Counselor, but my exwife has blocked my efforts in the past. She's really still not bought in, but she did finally reluctantly agree that it might do some good.

I hope it's not too late.

My son is over 18 and an adult now. No one can make him go.

I've lined everything out with my EAP for eight sessions. He has til December 31st to use them. I have no idea if he will or not; I have little influence over him. He hasn't really taken my advice for a long time.

According my ex, I am the root of all evil and a poison to my kids.

In so far as I am concerned, she could die and I wouldn't care except for the effect on the kids.

Most importantly, we need to set aside our differences and blame and focus on the kids.

I'm not sure that she has it in her to do that..

I'm concerned for my children's well-being.

On the close of a really terrific weekend, my son had to go and do something tremendously stupid throwing everyone off-balance.

I'm not going to be in Atlanta this week.

I've always missed my kids after they leave. :(

I really would like to have another child in a healthy context with a true, tho kinky, partner.

I'm not really looking for a "do over", but I would like to come home to a family that's not been ravaged by poles.

My daughter is back home to her Momma now.

"Me" time.

I bought a book called "Healthy Selfishness" yesterday. I'm on Chapter 3 and trying to see if I am navigating these waters well..

Gonna pour a glass of Hennessy and take the book outside for a while.

Chill..