LLacquiesces

Hello..  not sure who i am talking to, but have some thoughts running around in my head and for some reason, "Dear Diary" seems like the best place to put this.. lol.. ok, maybe not quite that hidden, but oh well..

i feel like my word for the day is patience..  and to make some changes in my life and the way i view things.  .  i want to be more patient, not feeling the need to express every single thought that comes to mind.. to trust more and try to control less..  sounds like it should be second nature coming from someone who considers herself to be submissive, hmm? but i have been processing some thoughts recently that made me wonder if i wasn't doing things all along simply as a means to an end. .  in the hopes of getting what i want..  which i think we all do to some extent, both consciously and unconsciously, but i want to do it less.. 

i want to be more giving for givings sake.. to see the pleasure in another.. to see their joy because i did whatever it was..  with no expectations of anything at all in return.. simply the pleasure of seeing their face..  of watching them morph..  of just being there.. maybe getting lucky and seeing some longevity.. and let time do what it does best..  heal.

all i want is to be there.. for the ride..  maybe i'll get lucky this time.. 

or maybe luck won't have a single thing to do with it.. 

ll

I was asked what do i like in the way of submission ..  i think i would like to share some insight into me..

what do i like in the way of submission? hmm..  off the top of my head, and i surely would like to amend this or add to it i should say as time goes on, but in general i like to please the one i am with ..  when it is appreciated. it is very simple, i get pleasure from pleasing, which means the more pleased they are, or when i know someone will be pleased, i very much enjoy doing things for him..

there are very few things i don't like or have no desire to experience. i call them 'givens' as i feel it should be a given for those things..  no children, no animals, no scat..  that pretty much covers it.  i find i can be quite service oriented, again, when i feel the enjoyment from one i am doing things for.. i have learned that i am also a bit of a masochist at times..  being a single parent and having a job that can be very stressful at times, that my stress level can be directly correlated to my need for a release..  and the deeper the level of submission i experience and the more intense the pain/pleasure line is delved into, the more complete the release is for me..  i don't think i am unique in that, as i have noticed that seems to be pretty common especially when one is professionally successful.  i very much enjoy the mental aspects of D/s and BDSM.. i both love and am a bit uncomfortable with someone crawling inside my head, but the discomfort level decreases as integrity is demonstrated and trust and an emotional connection solidifies.. Master is not a word that flows from my lips easily or often..  it has happened, but it is a rarity.

as far as outside the bedroom..  well, let me just preface my thoughts with i have never had a 24/7 D/s relationship so my thoughts are based on D/s relationships i have had to this point which have not reached that level of commitment.  being an independent person, i have learned to appreciate it, it has become part of who i am..  but, there are also times when i wish there was someone to share things with, to perhaps take over on occasion, to maybe even make some decisions based on what is best for me .. based on his insight into me and his knowledge /experience he wants to impart on me..  and based on input from me. .  i will always need a voice in my life, there is no doubt, but i wistfully think of a day when someone who cares for me, shoulders things now and then..  does that make sense? 

i would like to get to a level of understanding that if a decision needed to be made about something, and it was decided as something i would not have perhaps made on my own, that i would take comfort in the knowledge that he is doing it for me..  for my best interest..  and having taking in my wants and needs..  while i realize it sounds like a big order and perhaps even a bit idealistic, i do take comfort in thinking about being in a relationship like that in the future.. if that will or could ever happen, i can't say for sure. .  but i girl can hope, yes?  (smile)

LL

On occasion I need to feel as if i am contributing to someone other than myself or my children.. Work gives me that outlet sometimes, but i also like the idea of putting something out there that might give insight to someone unbeknownst to me.  I have been lax in that lately.  Here is something I thought i would put out there today.  It is a tad long, but you know the old adage..  if he helps just one..  

http://www.withinreality.com/acidtest.html

It is by not means inclusive, but it is a good place to start..  and some great points to keep in mind.  Personally it was more like affirming those voices in my head, but i think i'll leave that little thread for another day.. ;) 
LL

I had an email from someone who responded to my last entry about communication.  It was from someone who felt the need to express his anger or resentment to me regarding the way he felt i treated him in the past. Briefly what had happened is we had talked online for a bit, went to phone, and then to meeting.  He was about an hour an a half away from me and decided to drive up one night to see me.  He was a nice man, i enjoyed his conversation and didn't appear to have misrepresented himself in anyway.  The only problem was he was significantly heavier than i had thought he would be or didn't realize, whatever (i generally don't worry about that too much..)  I ended it shortly thereafter telling a lie about someone from my past coming back into my life.  I apologized saying something to the effect that "i was going to try to work things out with Mr. past".. 

so my question to anyone reading this..  would you rather be told the truth or have someone tell you basically something to save your feelings a bit.. 

personally, i would rather know the truth.. and in a timely manner would be good too..  so we can move on, make decisions ..  that type of thing.. 

thoughts?

LL

PS> i responded to the email by being honest.. about the real reason things didn't work out.. i should have been in the first place.. we live and learn i guess..