I respect your boundaries enough that I won't contact you, not after I lost my manners the way I did. But I still have the persistent desire to try to communicate how important you have been for me. You helped me through a major turning point in my life. I have moved on from what was, but that will always matter to me.

I so want you to know that I am happy. I am sane too! I have found more balance and am getting closer and closer to meeting my goals.  

I needed to find a way to say thank you. 

N

A few times now, I have watched myself go through this cycle. I will be going along and living my life and then I begin feeling axnious, I start feeling lost and lonely. I start cruising Dominants' profiles again. I start chatting with strangers again. I feel needy again. And this need becomes so strong that I begin to focus on it and . Luckily, no one has been both the sort of Domme I'd want and willing to have me like that. (No Domme I'd want would have me in that state.) And when there is no alternative, I finnaly give up. I find myself alone with the saved up anxiety I've been trying to use a dominant to protect me from. Slightly dissapointed that I keep doing this but also I notice that each of these cycles, I have lost myself less and come back sooner. That is something I feel good about. I am learning. I am growing. In the end, no one can keep out the feelings I must learn to cope with--anxiety, fear, tiredness, lonliness. That is actually kind of a relief. I do not want to eventually have a dominant partner who I continually set up to fail by expecting her to be the ground under my feat. (I still want one, but it won't be her job to make everything ok. sometimes things just are not ok.)  Sitting quietly with the fear and anxiety is actually easier than the running was. 

I wonder what does it mean to know full well all the reasons why I can't have something and yet still want it so? The timing is wrong, I am not ready, I am not wanted and still everyday there is something that aches. Sometimes just a little and sometimes it feels like almost too much. What is that? Does it matter what I call it? It will be there either way.

A Buddhist teacher I like to listen to once described having known the Joy of unrequited love. That is something I often think about. I do know that I will be sad when I nolonger have even this that connects me.

The urge to get high off of a Domme's power can be overwhelming. I have not had this urge in a good while. It isn't the same as being attracted to Dommes and their many attributes. Mere attraction does not disable my ability to think rationally. I can and do enjoy the company dominants  much of the time. But this urge to get high off of them can be all consuming. The feeling is as difficult to tolerate as the urge for a cigarette for some people.

I think that when someone who is submissive by nature-which I consider myself- maintains a non-reciprocal relationship they are left empty inside. That was where I was a few short months ago. There were days when I wasn’t right inside yet. I was desperate and a little crazy. This was something I had to go through and still have brief bouts of from time to time (especially when I am very anxious). There have been people who have cared for me and nurtured me at points on my journey already. One of them especially will be a part of me for the rest of my life, I am sure.

Even today I had to remember, yet again, that when the rest of my life is messed up and hard is not the time to go shopping for a Domme. Even if the really cruddy times are the ones I feel the most need for a Domme to be strong for me and keep me safe. Then I remember that isn’t the kind of submissive I want to be. I remember that I have suffered well before. The pain of feeling those things was a white hot torture, but it did not beat me. I am ok just like I am. I will not always be alone. And even when I am not alone anymore, I will still know how to handle the hard feelings. 

I was thinking today about her and how she broke my heart and how it was still the right thing to do. About what I learned and about what I gained, how I am wiser and stronger. About how I learned to suffer well. Do wisdom and strength always come at such cost? Was I foolish? Probably. Was she cruel or wrong? No actually, she acted in my best interest. Was it worth it? I think so. Will I ever develop the ability to create boundaries and boarders around my submission that allow me to continue to be a competent adult in the rest of my life? I certainly hope so. 

There seem to be a large number of dominants who want someone to serve and obey them without question or hesitation. I just don't get it. I don't get excited by topping (it is not my thing) but I respect it and I think there is a fair amount of work and responsibility to it. On an intellectual level, I understand that it can be exciting to have power over another. But blind obedence? really? All the time? really? And how it that sane, safe, and consentual? If you and your partner are negotiating playing in a way that allows either or both of you to experience this sort of complete power exchange in certain situations or for a certain period of time, ok, sure. But total power exchange, 24/7, and right off the bat? that is a lot of responsibility and what kind of person agrees to do anything for someone they met online? 

Yeah, I get all weak in the knees for a woman who can boss me around and throw me around, but even that requires building trust. and yeah, I am judging on this one. 

So, sometimes for fun I cruise through other people's CM photos and such. If I see someone interesting, I'll check out their profile too. But what I am finding most interesting during this activity is my reactions to photos and interests that people have. Now, I know I am not supposed to judge. There are all kinds of folk and all kinds of kink and if you and whoever you play with are safe, sane, and consentual that is what matters. It is none of my business and I know it. But it is still interesting to me that there are some things I might see that make me say to myself, "why the hell would anybody want to do or have that done to them?" and then there are things that make me say to myself "damn, how can I get someong to let me do that, or do that to me?" I am sure that there are people who would find the things that I find enticing totally nasty or boring, or whatever. I don't know, I was just tickled at how that works out.