to no purpose but your own

*We kissed, and I opened myself to my lover, my lips parting, my lover's tongue sliding into my hungry mouth, my body softening and giving, wanting to empty myself that I might be filled. Wanting to feel utterly helpless and at the mercy of another. Wanting to be thought of as some useless thing, whose only purpose was to be mis-used, in any way my lover might desire.*

* * *

Inside me there is something like a hunger
A craving that is never satisfied
No matter how much I use the world to feed it.
For me, the more that I receive
The more my need increases.
Mine is such a hopeless longing
That even though a man or woman
With a dark and willing heart 
In which there is nothing but the desire to see 
Me brought to some further disgrace
Leads me step by step to what I might have hoped 
Was the bottom of my soul
The limit to what I could be made to do 
To gain some brief ecstasy
I only find my soul to be 
In a that same bottomless place, wanting 
Only to be dragged further down
By a need that never ceases.

* * *

This dreadful and wicked thing that is my self
When we first kissed
Only wished somehow to say, in some way, that if 
My lover would only do and make me do
Those things so wicked and so base
That no person would ever want
Or at least no person would ever 
Recognize that they might want
Or at least no person would 
Admit to another they might want
Or at least ... only in this desperate moment
In this desperate place --
How do you say to another
That you want something that no person
With any shred of dignity might want? 
No person could be such an utter slave 
To such vicious and such base desires
That is something that never would be said
Except by charlatans and liars.
And so -- how do you make another believe 
That in fact you are such a person 
Saying such a thing?

* * *

I think about this often, lying in my bed
Torturing myself with fantasies. 
Would you like to listen in? 
Then hear:

* * *

There are two men and one woman.
One man is my 'lover,' although he 
Only loves one thing in me: 
The way,
When with a belt he whips me, 
I groan in suffering and desire 
And offer him my ass and cry and twist with pain 
And whisper 'more' and 'again' 
And under my breath, to myself in shame, 'whore'
And I only love that in him and nothing more.

I am naked, 
And he has bound my wrists behind me
And pulls me along by a leash 
Attached to a leather collar round my neck.
As he walks along he jerks my body
Nearly unbalancing me
Making me stagger helplessly, 
And he smiles at this with brutality 
And contempt.
My body is flushed and bears 
The red marks of a recent beating 
And the wet across my gleaming face and breast are tears
And where he's pissed on me.

Does it matter what he looks like? 
Perhaps. He is beautiful in his way
Strong and hard and powerful but
None of that is anything to me -- 
Just the blackness in his eyes.

The other man -- his muscles ripple yes
But I notice more -- 
He has an evil looking dragon tattoo
And I like the pain and viciousness that implies
He is all in leather, and seems to be 'hard'
But has soft lips and soft eyes 
And I wonder -- does he wish that he were I?

The woman -- she is older
And there's cruelty in her gaze
She is half-dressed, in black silk
And there dangles from her waist
A thin and evil looking crop.
She has fine and wispy dyed-blonde hair
She is white-skinned, thin and narrow
With a narrow, brutal face
Her mouth a bright red scar, 
She has small loose breasts
The nipples red and hard
And on the left breast an oriental star.

And as my lover turns me 
Over to these two
He whispers in my ear 'I want to watch them ruin you 
... just a little more
Make you feel just a little more 
Like the pathetic and empty thing you are.
Don't expect them to be gentle
Or to treat you like any decent thing
Not even like a whore.
A whore you'd have to pay for and 
And that gives her some control
You cannot really do the damage to
A whore's soul
That they will do to yours.'

And lost in the thought of this, 
I do not speak, but in silence pray
That in treating me so 
They may disgrace me just a little
Further in my lover's eyes -- 
If my lover's contempt for me could possibly increase --
And again he slaps my face and grabs my hair and jerks my neck
More violently now
And I fall down to my knees 
And in a harsh voice he says, 
'One more step down for you.
A person no one ever would call dear
And for me -- it will simply do 
To watch your degeneration here.
And when they're done I think 
I'll beat you, once again
For being such an amateur disgrace 
A piece of trash 
And an utter waste
Of your filthy human flesh.'
And he lets the leash fall to the floor
And the others stare at me
And I look down in shame.

The older woman is the first
To touch me
She pours oil down my shoulders and my back
And then begins to press it into my skin
Her fingers are long and thin
And as she does this
She makes me feel 
As if it is something that she should not be doing
That it is wrong and wicked in some way
And that everything that is wrong and wicked about it is in me
And that she cannot help herself because I am who I am 
Because my body moves 
So seductively
Inviting her to do these things she should not do to me. 

Her fingers, slick and mobile, slide down between my legs
And I press my cunt onto them
And I hear her breath catch as she slides 
Her fingers along my labia
And I am rubbing myself against her fingers now
The moisture of my lust
Mixing with the oil
And as I open my eyes she kisses me, hungrily, her tongue thrust into me
And across her hand my cunt glides eagerly.

Then she steps back and says to the man
'Hold her,' and he grabs 
My arms pulling them painfully behind me
My chest arching and thrust forward
Breasts, nipples straining hard
She grabs my face in a thin and bony hand
Squeezing painfully
'He told us what a slut you are' 
And she steps back and regards me
Her eyes have begun to shine
With her contempt
She reaches out her hand, a thumb and two long fingers extended
And takes my right nipple between them
And pulls and twists it viciously
The flesh of my breast curling in agony
As her eyes are locked on mine
And she sees the pain rise inside of me
And the tears form in my eyes
And she reaches out the other hand to my other nipple
And pulls and presses so hard 
That I go blind with the pain of it
And for a moment grow faint 
But he holds me up 
And my body twists in pain.

And then she feels between my legs again 
And I am so wet that it is clear 
-- as if there were a doubt? 
-- that I only crave it all again
And still looking in my eyes
And reading there every thought and impulse
Of my ruinous lust 
For any possible abuse 
That she -- herself incapable of any restraint -- 
Is compelled to inflict on me.

She and I in that moment know
That she is just providing me 
Her own lost and corrupt soul.
I can see that in her eyes,
Possessed now by her own demon
She rubs my cunt indecently
My hips responding, lost in her wildness 
She watches, breathing rapidly
And as I cum my body is transformed,
Arms twisting in his grip, hips thrusting wildly against her, 
And that crazy look in her eyes.

For a moment, there is silence
Then she looks at me with hate
And I think that I have found myself in her
And she hates herself in me.
And I feel my lust still stirring 
And look at her in a way that says
Begin again dear lady, it's the only thing I crave.

In a harsh and brutal voice 
She says to the man, 'turn her around, and 
bend her over and make her suck your cock.'
I stumble a little as he turns me to him
He presses my head to his leather pants
And I can feel with my lips
His cock 
Pressing hard and long against the leather 
And I lick it and kiss it hungrily
And he then unzips himself 
And I take his cock in my mouth 
And just as it slides over my lips 
And I lick my way down it
There is a blur of sound in the air 
And the lady's crop lands 
Brutally on my ass 
And I cry a little and take him deeper
His hips are thrusting forward 
And I am bending into him and choking
She beats me again and again 
As I suck on his cock.

She is in frenzy now
And in a hoarse voice she speaks all the things in my heart 
-- you filthy corrupt whore debauched dissolute slut degenerate wicked tramp decadent hopeless craving empty bit of garbage --
these words sounding somehow different 
In this moment
From all the times before
They have echoed in my soul.
The blows come faster 
And I hear a panting in her voice
And then I feel her touch on me again
Hesitant at first 
And then bolder, first feeling my cunt again 
-- and muttering 'whore,' beneath her breath --
Then her hands slide up to my ass 
And opening my asscheeks 
A thin finger slides into my anus
And as I give to her so easily
And take her into me, and cry in ecstasy 
And lift myself from his cock
As it rubs and throbs against my cheek
And push my ass to her
And I hear her hoarse voice speak, 
'Such a filthy, worthless piece of trash,' 
Quivering so with contempt for me 
That it can only come from deep inside herself --

* * *

But my only thought, as now the
Bones and tendons of her fingers
Find the passage into me
And I lift myself to receive her,
And as he spreads apart my eager lips 
And slips his cock deep in my mouth
And I lick him into me,
My only thought is of you, my love,
Are you watching me?
Do you see the thing I cannot find the words for?
Starving deep inside of me?
Have I given you another, 
Better reason for what you think of me?
Do you see in all my hunger and my greed
What I so wish to be?
A wicked thing that's thrown its life
Away on ecstasy
Corrupting every moment to
A helpless desperate need
Your lover loves her chains
And never would be free.

Are you, my beloved

A man's cock is sliding into me:
You are looking in my eyes.
My body is softening and opening
And I can feel it like a river flowing
My composure and my self control
Slipping from my grasp
Leaving only my soft cries
And my beating heart.
You look into me
And take from me
Any hope I may have had
Of remaining undisclosed, hidden, unexposed
You see there is no bottom to me.
Only more need ...
The words form on my lips
Gratitude
Helpless ecstasy
For I am glad for what you took from me
A burden I never wanted
To be good
When you could make me bad.
His cock slides deep into me
My vision of you blurs
I go inside, catch my breath,
My eyes blank, mouth open, taking him deeper,
So large and alive,
Furious and reptile,
I push my hips against him, and grip him to me.
And you look into me, with an eager and mischievous gaze
Stroking my penis, and staring darkly
Into the weakest, tenderest part of me
Whisper soft words mixing contempt and praise
For what I have let you
With me.

You show myself to myself, helpless in my hunger,
Your delight
To leave me
Naked to all.

You kiss me, and your tongue slips tenderly into my mouth,
I take you in eagerly, my lips giving.

Yours, my beloved -- in a fragile ecstasy --
Like a cut flower.

Long ago you stole from me
Will, scruple, fate

Now I am simply yours to use
For a minute or an hour

Unfolding at your desire
All my body can allow

Hope, despair and alchemy
The flavor your power

I realize, in this instant --
For me it is too late