looking for a strong man ..assertive but with a sensitive side....someone interested in me that i can lean into...worthwhile of my respect..
7/1/2010 12:19:57 PM
well its been so long since ive written ... i hve been follwing with interest what has been happening with laird and im truely happy for him..
for me i am happy where im at ....im just cruising along happily...
4/18/2010 10:06:33 AM
wow...all i can say is wow..
ive had 2 experiences and both were fantastic..
for first time experiences i couldnt hve wished for better...
now im truely addicted...and i want it again now....
i need to not take it too fast but slowly...
but for me im hooked
4/7/2010 1:32:59 AM
i think that with my journal entries i have given the wrong impression ... i was the one that finished with laird ....and i havent heard from him ...and i know he wasnt too pleased...but ive had a little think about things... and i want to find a good master .. a man that i can rely on... to give advice and to help and lean into ...
i really want to find a really good master
3/11/2010 5:17:12 PM
ok as with all things in life there are ups and downs. i really want to find a man that i can feel excitement with ... i want to explore my limits do what i never thought i could do..
2/8/2010 9:42:17 AM
laird and i hve finished...and hve been for a while...it just didnt work out....i was so hopeful...but unfortunately it didnt
1/24/2010 12:06:23 AM
im not sure i am back on track... to be honest ..
1/21/2010 1:30:53 AM
Gudridur is back on track. Gudridur will stay on track as she does not wish to suffer her Masters displeasure. I am resolved to make her successful in the tasks she has to perform. She will be focussed. I do not want her distracted, so contact me on profile (weareswitchs) prior to communicating with her in order for my permission to do so. Laird.
1/20/2010 12:38:30 PM
talked to laird today ....and i guess things are back on .. i have to be committed to diet and exercise .... its necessary for me...
1/18/2010 11:54:52 AM
well ....im not sure what to write really ...
i took a hiatus from collarme for a while and now i realise its been close to 2 months ..
i was bogged down with work and family...i also took a break from laird ...and i talked to him yesterday the first time in a while ...lol... he accused me of talking from the top ..its been a while ...lol
ive made mstakes and i said he has as well..but i dont think he thinks he has ...the next phone call i guess ill tell him , his mistakes....
i know he thinks im flakey ..as he said my word...he could think of others ...lol.. but u know im still not sure...and i dont know if ill ever be sure ....shit this is hard ...
laird will be pissed when he hears this but im still in love with unreliable git, ex master...yes laird ..the one i havent met and 99% chance i never will in this lifetime ...the one that makes promises and never keeps them ..not one ..yes that one ...the one that needs to disappear from my head...
no matter what i do ...or what i say i just cant get him out of my head ...but i know i have to ...new years resolution ...
so among other things that is also designed for me to more organised...uphill battle ... is to get unreliable git out my head ...
that could mean to try to make it up to laird and try again....ummm...id hve to be better than i was ... i know that ... committed ....
12/5/2009 9:56:19 PM
things have been strained between laird and me.....
so thats why i havent put a journal entry in for a while .....i guess he'll communicate soon what's going on ...
11/27/2009 9:28:54 AM
things this week have gone a bit haywire for me especially at work . well a little part of it is due to my disorganisation. Ringing in my ears is lairds scottish accent "you have a plan A , then a plan b and back up plan" well i had plan A and thats it , so when plan A crumbled there was choas. So next time havre a plan B.
this week i also havent been doing what i have needed to do for laird...so on monday is a new week and a new committment... to my eating plan and will start exercise...
its a constant battle for me to be organised... when i think ..yes i have conquered .. yes i am THE most organised person in the world... ... then something comes out of the blue and far out .. its all a big bess.... arrggghhh You have proven your committment to me in one way, there are further trials to come for you. Failure is not an option and should not be in your vocabulary. You will be tested and tested again. This is no game nor should you be in anyway nonchalant in fulfilling any task given by me. You said when last I chastised you that you did not think I would give a shit, how wrong you were and you found out the hard way. You know what the consequences of failing to obey me are, they will be swift , harsh and final. I know it will not come to that, as you have given your word to me. D.O.C. Laird.
11/25/2009 11:09:48 PM
well i underestimated everything and I got a shock . I was so surprised at the reaction of laird to my news. I
Anyway he he said because of that i need to be monitored better and he gave me an ultimatum and i had 24 hours to think about and to prove how committed I am .
so i did what he asked , it was very difficult for me but it proved to him that im committed.
so i guess hes going to step things up a bit. im excited but trepidated.
11/24/2009 12:59:06 AM
well today hasnt been a good day for me and laird. I admitted something to him that has made him so angry at me.
I told him I talked to a dom and i cum.
I knew he would be angry but i truely didnt anticipate how angry he got. I feel so stink. I also admitted that i ate a lot of calories today and that i havent been counting the calories like i should.
im on the knife edge ..of him ending it.... however to save it i have some conditions .. I have to ask permission before i talk to anyone ...txt him....if he doesnt answer i do not talk ..no exceptions...
i tell u i feel so awful..i didnt intend for him to be upset like that ....he says he feels he cant trust me ...he can ...
i know i disrespected him and i insulted him. it is not the way to behave ... im really sorry laird
so i need to accept his terms and just be better .....i need to behave better ...
11/17/2009 9:30:15 PM
had a bad day at work today and talked to laird about it ....
im a bit tired and exhausted with everything, but i need to just rest tonight and then tomorrow go to work really early and then get my equilibrium back.
im making changes in my life...and systematically doing it ...so tonight need to do a stocktake and think about what else i need to do...lists ..lol
ummm... i dont know how to say this...but i have a feeling that laird is holding back ..i am wondering if hes committed to this ....i am wondering if something has happened while he was away ...or theres something hes not telling me ...
i have asked and he hasnt told me ..... hes holding back on me or something ...just a feeling a womans intuition Your intuition is not far wrong. It is however incorrect in respect of the fact that it's what is being held back, i.e. the next stage of my plans for you. You should never doubt the committment of your Master, especially when you are not sure of your own committment. Laird.
11/16/2009 1:20:16 AM
laird is back so im going to have to get inback into routine .. as a result of him, i have been really trying to be more organised...and i think im suceeding ...im also working harder ...so that meands im more positive abt things ....not that im usually negative ...like to remain positive abt things
11/9/2009 11:23:19 PM
theres nothing much to report today . The thing i have been wondering about today is, how does god fit into submission? Is it that a wife submits to her husband and then a husband submits to god? This has been making me wonder shall i explore the bible to find this out. Well unfortunately I havent time but i think its on my to do list.
11/9/2009 8:41:22 AM
laird is away at the moment so it has given me a chance to think about things.
i thought of JFK speech 'ask not what your country can do for u but what u can do for your country.'
so i should be thinking more , what can I do for laird. like what i do think , what he does for me. ummm....i realise i hve no idea what he wants other than i need to obey. im kinda selfish.
11/6/2009 8:47:02 AM
ummm...i have been thinking about submission today ...
if u submit to someone whats the minimum that u need to feel for them ...
so in order for u to do what a dom tells u to do , u need to feel something. u need to feel that person is worthy of doing what they want u to do ....
i tried to say to laird about this but i dont think he understood. he thought i was having doubts ..i tried to say that between us theres no connection. he thought i meant romantic , that i wanted a romantic connection..and lol..if that was the case, id only see his heels as he runs into the sunset ...hes made it plainly clear ...scottish accent insert..'this is not going to be or will it ever be romantic'...yep got it ....
i did try once to broach the subject of u know ...sex...and i pushed it, but it was such a disaster ..lol...that i couldnt help but giggle at our attempt ...sorry laird but it was funny...u cant talk about sex with someone with whom u dont have a romantic connection with ...
im pleased im doing this ...im pleased i was in love with my ex master and he introduced me to BDSM and now im exploring with someone who i like, but its completely different...
so why would i obey someone i will never love . Its simple because laird is super organised... thats it really ....i want to get habits off him that i will have for life ..its something i really want in my life and i havent the self motivation to do it myself..yes i can hear it in ur minds...im a little lazy sub that needs a strong assertive man to tell me what to do cos i cant be bothered to do it myself ..probably an element of truth ..
what does he get ... i asked ... control...i think in his life hes got it micromanaged so that it is running smooth that he needs to increase his empire .. so hell get a messy lazy little sub to boss around and put order into her world.
laird is away for a week, so i have a week of freedom....yeahhhhh...i will truck along as usual ...
11/2/2009 7:34:45 AM
it has been a wee while since I have written a journal entry , something that was noted by laird...
i have been so busy with work and family that i really havent had much time to even think about my submission...
i do know that i have been just a little bratty..laird said to buy electronic scales for my eating plan ...well u wouldnt believe it ...have bought 2 sets and both of them havent worked ....so i said i will get normal ones...welll he's insistent ...they have to be electronic ...i got a little bratty ...anyway we have tested them and the battery is dead...so back to the shop again..
i am trying to have a healthly eating plan .. its an uphill battle ...but im tyring to give myself good eating habits for life ...
ummm...so much to think about
10/27/2009 10:24:15 AM
well i guess things are trucking along as per usual. master is very planned ..its good for me i really hve to try to be better at organising ... l also need to speak to him better...well just do what he says when he does.. i do appreciate what he is doing for me..my food plan ... i hve to learn the calories and use the scales ...and by friday i need to join the gym... so i started yesterday my new eating plan...im just learning what i can eat and cant ...
im also remembering better to txt at appropriate times... u know work and family life does mean i cant do what he wants all the time ..he understands...
so for me things are trucking along ...i hope to in the weekend to do some investigation of my interests...
10/24/2009 9:16:38 AM
I have just been looking through photos and profiles. Its really interesting and I think I learn a lot. There was a photo of a male submissive ...ohhh gorgeous... almost worthwhile trying to be a domme..
10/23/2009 12:19:17 AM
i had a drama at work that took all of my attention ..last night and today and now i feel emotionally and physically spent.
master sent a few messages to say he wasnt pleased that i hadnt texted ...kept in touch...cos communication is paramount to him....had to ring him and explain and i think he was ok...not sure though... If I was not you would know all about it. Laird.
10/22/2009 10:20:10 AM
yesterday was a busy day at work.
master and i talked about his life..he opened up what he does etc. this was nice to find out more about him.
10/21/2009 1:36:32 AM
well yesterday ....theres now a change ... hes not sir but hes my master ...
im happy to call him that .. it seems strange but yes..
i recieved first punishment today ...for forgetting my phone ..left it at home ...first time recieved a punishment ..i hoped i took it with grace.
Your Master punished you and you took it as you should have. Laird.
10/19/2009 10:55:03 PM
Today , laird and I had a talk about communication. His txt messaging can be a bit abrupt and me Im hopeless at it ...takes me ages and use abbreviations that are hard to understand. im also infrequent at it..so we still need to talk on the phone , cos talking is different. I also said to him that I would like to know more about him. So I can ask questions , however he may choose not to answer...However if he asks me a question i hve to...thats the difference ...thats ok. I also think he was under a misconception abt my communication with previous master. I think he thought that it was really bad. It was infrequent and often long periods of silence... however when we did talk , my ex master concentrated completely on me and we had deep and intense conversations that covered a lot of topics often not bdsm..history, life, current events and opinions on different things. im so new to this that im unsure what is correct and what isnt ...however laird is great at directing me through it ... i know i have a lot to learn..
10/19/2009 10:39:45 PM
hi all
nothing much to report today...went on a work trip so didnt have time to concentrate on BDSM today ....as per usual tried to do txt messaging to keep in contact...
10/17/2009 10:54:13 AM
This feels different , u know giving control to someone u dont love and will never love. It means less really, like does it really matter if i dont do what he says and he is upset. Yes he will punish, well it hasnt happened but it will. But I wont feel like really disappointed ...ummmm thats the thoughts for today. I guess on the other is that all he cares about is that that I obey ..cos thats what BDSM is about ...i dont know if im right however it has to be like that.
10/16/2009 3:41:36 PM
A couple of weeks ago when I looked at the list of Bdsm activities that sir told me to look at , one of them was forced weight loss.
I thought about it for a while before I tentatively mentioned it to him, because of course he would ask all sorts of questions and want to know why and weight and all that .... very confronting and annoying ..aaaarrggghhh....so I had to make sure i really did want to do it ...cos he would make me ...id have to do it ...
well true to form ... cos he has to be planned and organised ... and to be honest i think this is the main thing i want to learn from him ...good habits for life ...cos it takes 40 days to change a habit ...
I digress....well yes i have told him my weight...arrrrgghh...no-one ..just my sister knows my weight...it was hard but its done....
next thing a plan will be organised with what to buy at a certain supermarket ..i can envisage lists ...i need to start a food diary on monday with brands listed ... i can imagine it all will be calculated ... he has asked questions abt stairs at work .....i know theres a plan and I imagine a couple of back up contingency plans....it will all be evaluated and monitored carefully .....and I have been told I will lose weight .....thats sexy ..
well i also feel a bit overwhelmed like what the heck did i start ...im losing control over this ...but to give it to him...is scary ..however its sooo good for me ..like the best thing i can do for myself .......all i have to do is to be totally honest ..no cheating and do what he tells me ...doesnt sound like much ...arrghhhh...does it ?
10/15/2009 11:56:26 PM
I have been instructed to start a journal entry every day ..lol....thats good because i had been thinking that i want to, so there! bratty eh!
Im hoping that people reading will get an idea of what its like for an online bdsm relationship only..
this is different for me .... cos the last master i am in love with ...didnt work out ... and its still a bit fresh , raw. Im determined i wont make the same mistakes i did in the past. im not going to open myself up like i did with him...no-one will get in, like he did ever again...
The new dom im trying it with , it will never be anything other than BDSM...cos we both have partners....so im excited to try something new..
we have chosen a name for me, gudridur. She was called the most famous woman explorer of all time by the president of iceland. She exploered when women just didnt explore by themselves.
So im exploring myself and im on a journey . A journey i have started in which i have a lot to learn and to be honest i have hit a few road bumps already.
I want to learn all about this thing called submission...I am definitely dominant in all other areas of my life , because i have to be.
Being dominant is hard , theres decisions to make and the responsibility. As far as im aware , all I have to do is to learn to trust and to obey.... im lucky laird is a discusser...then he decides....however its early days and as we all know early days are easy and I hope im ready for the hard bits to come ...
I know i want to make it worthwhile for him .... he will find it hard to tame me , but i know hes up for the challenge ..lol
10/5/2009 10:26:34 AM
I am a submissive woman ~Author Unknown
i find pleasure, joy, and fulfillment from being submissive to my Master in a loving relationship. i am not weak or stupid. i am a strong woman, with firm views and a clear concept of what i want out of my life. i do not serve out of shame or weakness, but out of pride and strength. i will look to my loving Master for guidance and protection, for never will i be more complete than when He is with me. i know that He will protect my body, my mind, and my soul with His strength and wisdom. He is everything to me, as i am everything to Him. His touch awakens me and His thoughts free me. Only in serving Him do i find complete freedom and joy… His punishments may be harsh, but i accept them thankfully, knowing that He has my best interests always foremost in His mind. If He desires my body for pleasure, i shall joyfully give it to Him and take pleasure myself from knowing that i have brought Him happiness. However, the pleasure of the flesh is but one facet of O/our relationship. The love, the trust and sharing, the words spoken and felt, those are all parts of this relationship. My body is His, and if He says i am beautiful, then i am. No matter what i look like to others, i am beautiful in His eyes, and because of that i hold my head high. If He says i am His precious jewel, then i am that…a beautiful, sparkling gem. If He says that i am His pet, His slut, His whore, then i am that.. as wanton and dirty as He wants me to be. My mind is His, to expand, to explore, to know only as He can. i have no secrets from Him… for secrets are a thing that would keep me from being more perfectly His. Secrets would put a wall up between my Master and myself… and i do not want walls. His lessons are not always ones i would seek on my own, but they are lessons He has decided that i need, and so i learn from Him. My soul is His, as bare to His touch as ever my skin could be when i kneel naked at His feet. Never a moment goes by when i do not feel His presence, be He miles away or standing over me. If i were to ever displease Him, His displeasure would be a blow to my soul, worse punishment than any lashes could be. The anguish of my soul that i feel when i disappoint Him is harder to bear than any physical anguish i feel. i am grateful that he cares enough about me to spend His time and energy so freely on me. i have the easier job, to feel, to experience, to let myself go and abandon everything to Him. i am His pleasure and His responsibility, and He takes both seriously . i am a submissive woman. i am proud to call myself that, my submission is a gift that i do not give lightly, and can only be given to the One who can appreciate that gift and return it tenfold. Only to my Master who has that strength, will i give myself fully, because i am strong and proud. i am a submissive woman.
~Author Unknown
10/5/2009 10:07:20 AM
i have the right to set limits, and expect them to be respected. i have the right to trust, providing I have earned it. i have the right to expect You to believe I am an intelligent, caring and loyal person. i have the right to ask for Your attention,without having to misbehave to get it. i have the right to expect You to administer Your punishment on me with care and caution. i have the right to question your motives,should You deny my requests, as long as I do so with the proper respect. i have the right to speak up if I feel O/our relationship is not giving me what I need. i have the right to tell You what I need in a respectful manner. i have the right to expect You to understand my reasons for doing so, and the right to expect You to listen with an open mind and heart. i have the right to walk away from our relationship if W/we cannot come to a common ground on these issues. i have the right to expect tenderness, love and understanding after a scene is completed, should it be what I desire. i have the right to ask You for that tenderness if I've had a bad day,or if I just feel the need for closeness, I understand that there will be times when You and I will disagree about this ~when You will want a scene and I will not. i have the right to voice my opinion, and expect You to listen to and consider my reasonings, I expect You to have final word, but i expect You to wholeheartedly consider my feelings,whatever they may happen to be. i have the right to expect You to understand that deep trust often breeds love, and i expect You not to repel me if i tell You that i love You. For my Master i will love You, should O/our relationship move ahead, should O/our trust continue to grow. i have the right to expect You to tell me, at any point, if You do not feel You can return those feelings, so that i may decide what i want and need,For it is Your pleasure that adds to my own, and makes it real, And mine, that adds to You