kystray

Whoa .. I have to remind myself to pace myself in this exploration. I played on recon under a profile along the lines of my last entry - some of the responses, the people that were interested.. It was very arousing, but when I really followed the threads in my mind, I realized I am not ready for reality of ownership and torture. One step at a time.

I deleted all my porn last night, mainly because I want to follow my own imagination and see what shows up. Well, I can already see how dark it is in there. I crave physical abuse as a display of affection. I'm starting to notice the extreme masochism that underlies my sexuality - which would have been plainly obvious if I hadn't been so scared to admit it. I don't know whether I need a Master or therapy. I can see why I've been so afraid, because the level of abuse I crave, the status I am tempted to aspire to is truly subhuman. I feel it would take a monster to truly satisfy me. I feel like, at the core of my sexuality is this message: Hate is Love. 

**added at 12:11 pm And I'm pretty sure I know exactly where this all comes from. Thing is, there's no amount of therapy to deal with something I know happened but I have no memory of. And memory is suspect; I'm sure I could create a memory. I'm angry now. But if I could find a Master that is happy to keep me reliving the abuse I can't remember, I may be happy.

Deeper and deeper down the rabbit hole. And the deeper I go, the more the thought of romance fades and the greater the craving becomes. Feeling like a sex-starved child, I have avoided this journey because the need to be filled is all-consuming. And I realize that I only really feel useful when I'm stuffed full of COCK.

I am drunk tonight, and so I will pour out my romanticism.

It is clear to me that without someone to direct my devotion toward, I am lost.

I have spent 10 years in search of spiritual fulfillment - and, yes, I have discovered it. And yet, it does not provide the fulfillment I seek. I have met G-d, early in my search. I discovered Light, only recently, in a fantastic vision early one morning. And still, I sit here in the room of my mother's house that is designated "my room". I would be happy to be a "mama's boy", if only I didn't have this need to serve a man!

I have my likes and dislikes, yes. But they mean nothing to me. I have transcended so much of my own nature just to get to this point - my own desires mean nothing to me! I drift aimlessly, indulging what whimsy I can without caving to the pressure of guiding my own life. I surf the internet and masturbate, dreaming of the day a man will claim me.

I am a girl; I know that. But I refuse to dress up and attempt to convince the public of it, just to conform to some societal notion of two distinct genders. I was born with a penis - whether or not I intend to use it! But, oh, how I love to masturbate! And yet, how gratifying when some waitress comes up on me and my mother and refers to us as "ladies" before she spies my mustache and goatee, before she hears the bass in my voice. And she gets embarrassed, but I feel so gratified to have been called by my correct gender - but why should I mutilate my body so that others will see me for who I am?

Maybe this isn't the right site for me, but it is the one place that I feel comfortable in sharing the convoluted structures of my being...

Coinciding with my exploration into the type of relationship I desire is an exploration of the type of art I wish to create. For 10 years,  I've been focused on songwriting; this past year, my muse has waned. And now, though I am still drawn to create music, I find I am simply tired of artistic expression through words. I have come to think of myself as a mist, and the decisiveness of structured statements kills my artistic impulses anymore. What does this have to do with Dom/Sub? Well, it makes me think that a controlling master would kill my impulses toward submission - come to think of it, it is when a person tries to control me that I get filled with rebellion and independence. I do have a desire to serve, however, especially domestically. I do like the housewife motif, and there has always been a part of me that identifies as "she", and would long to be seen as such in a man's eyes. Though, over the last decade, I have also done a lot of exploring of my gender identity and have learned to thoroughly enjoy my male identity. Yep, I'm a mist... can't be pinned down.

This was my introduction post in the Forums; I felt it was appropriate to share here for anyone that views my profile: KY Boy here - A bit.. timid, I guess is the word. See, I do know what I desire - but I have trouble even admitting it to myself sometimes. The level of depravity that I crave is sometimes frightening. I'm not so interested in the bondage, sadism or masochism. But I am definitely attracted to domination and humiliation. The depravity I mentioned has to do with raunch fetishes. Also, though I do crave this deeply dark sexual relationship, there's also a part of me that craves tenderness and respect. I haven't yet gotten comfortable with my own desires to imagine that these two traits might coexist in a relationship. But I believe it to be possible, and so I am doing all that I can to openly admit my desires - all of them - to myself and find self-acceptance, that I might one day be able to find an appropriate relationship that fulfills these desires. 

Whew, I feel like I just made a confession at a 12-step meeting! So, that's my story. Glad to have a space where I feel safe enough to share it with other human creatures.