kyliegirl

So perhaps it is just that easy, take the first step.  Just take the plunge, think with something other than complete logic.  Isn't it what I want, to be used?  To be objectified, to feel the pleasure of his tools on my flesh?  Do I not want to kneel and be the object of his desires, doing what he wishes without complaint, finding the apex of pleasure in it?  I feel that sometimes, the need to leap.  I feel the need to close my eyes and just move towards him, to where he wants me.  Perhaps if I keep my eyes closed I never have to confront it, just feel it.  But is that enough?  Is being a willing participant enough or is being an active participant what is needed?  I wonder just how it would feel, to lose myself in him??

I disappeared for a while.  Scared I suppose of what was out there and what I was feeling.  Some of the emotions were too high for me, too much for me to handle.  I didn't like the expectations put upon me and I don't know how to say no.  I guess in time that may work for me, and for whoever I end up serving, but right now I need to be more careful and not always say yes. 

If I was talking to you I may come back if I feel safe.  If I don't then perhaps you got too deep into my mind and that's not always comfortable for me.  Some say this is easy and just to go with it, let it take you over.  But what happens when I do that, and I lose kylie??  Am I ready to lose her yet, I don't know.  I apologize for all of those that I was talking to and suddenly disappeared.  It's not fair, it's certainly not mature and it hurt me as well as hurting those around me.  But how does one get used to giving it all over and losing oneself when they aren't ready?  And how do you know when you are ready?  Is it something that can be answered? I don't know.