So I spend a fair amount of time reading forums and group discussions on a lot of topics about the lifestyle.  To educate myself as much as I can about the attitudes and perspectives of others as well as help myself in my journey as I sometimes struggle to understand interactions with others. 

I'm the type of person that assumes all the guilt a lot of times.  This of course isn't by any means accurate and I've been slowly coming to realize that those around me who would gladly put all the guilt on me are not looking to foster a healthy BDSM relationship.

I'm blessed to have met and gotten to know many highly respected, long standing members of the community.  The knowledge and wisdom they are willing to share with me if prized by me.

An overwhelming theme that I hear not only from them but find over and over in my reading is that a submissive, in being a good submissive, should be open with their whole being; sharing their thoughts and feelings openly and honestly with their dominant so they can know the whole of their submissive.  I try to do this as best I can.  It's not always easy for me as I've been burned more then once but I still try because I do feel this is a very important part of making a BDSM, or really any relationship, work.  If you can't share your thoughts and feelings without fear of how the other person will react you will close that part of yourself off and that will leach into other areas of yourself, which will keep you from submitting fully.

That all said I seem to have the uncanny ability to attract dominants who do not prescribe to this school of thought.  Right or wrong I will leave that to you to judge.  Instead of embracing the open flow of communication they seem to prefer the seen by not heard types.  Which, quite honestly, amazes me that they someone end up in my life as more then acquaintances to begin with as anyone who spends any level of time around me knows I am not a seen but not heard type.  It also confuses me immensely when these same people will tell me how my wit/humor/opinions/articulate self is what attracted them but then seems to be the things they want to squash when I try to share with them how I am feeling about situations between us.

This leads me back to the whole assuming the guilt part of my personality.  When I've tried to just share how I'm feeling or a thought about something and I get a "you're being selfish" or "you're just being insecure" response I embrace that and let that be my truth even if I truly am not intending to be either of these things or any of the other myriad of responses I have gotten.  

And each time this happens a little piece of me shuts down and I become slowly less and less likely to show the real me....to anyone.

Patience is not something that I was overly blessed with.  I typically decide pretty quickly whether something is of interest to me and once that decision is made jump in with both feet.  Sometimes this leads to great things but sometimes this has left me struggling in the deep end.

Lately I've been learning to slow down and not rush head long in.  The decision has still been made on my part for the most part but I'm learning to let things develop and see where they will go.  Has it been unbelievably frustrating for me at times?  Yes very much so.  I'm the type of person who does much better with handling things, good or bad, if I feel like I know where I stand.  So the gradual getting to know each other and the non-definition of things at times leaves me really struggling to feel comfortable and "safe".  At the same time certain aspects of it make me feel even more secure in where things are and I think in the long run will lead to me really feeling like I know exactly where I stand in a much more stable way then I probably ever have before.....which I realize sounds like I just contradicted myself but I don't really know how better to explain it.

Do I still want the definition?  Hell yes.  I know I want more.  But I think once that point is reached that definition finally occurs it will be all the more meaningful.  Until then I'll keep trying to be patient.

Decisions, decisions...how do you decide if getting what you want and need some of the time is worth the heartache of the other part of the time that you don't get it?

sometimes the completely unexpected is so much better then anything you could ever have expected

Several months ago I made a conscious decision to tear down the protective walls I had built.  I was tired of hiding behind them and thought that I was in a place that I would be safe in doing so.  I was wrong unfortunately and so back up they must go.  It is sad and unfortunate to realize that you have to protect yourself emotionally and mentally from someone you care about, that those walls are necessary parts of your armour because they've show they can't be trusted within them after-all.  How do you turn off that switch of caring, how do you distance yourself from someone you feel drawn toward inspite of the fact that they treat you like a disposable commodity.  

This time I'm using the quick dry cement with rebar reinforcements

It may appear when I enter the room that I'm oblivious to your presence...my attention consumed with my friends and being introduced to new faces.  But that is not the case.  The reality is that I am keenly aware of where you are in the room, your energy singing to me.  As casual as I may seem, seeming to just enjoy myself and be in the moment with those around me a piece of me is keeping track of your movements, feeling your eyes on me, noticing when your eyes are drawn away as you switch to a new conversation or get pulled away.  I notice you working your way through the crowd in my direction light years before you seem to sneak up behind me.  Why am I so acutely aware?  A myriad of reasons...because your energy does sing to me, because there is an ease that has come with so little work, a playfulness that is so casual...and because a part of me wants my attention to be necessary....

One of the hardest things for me is being fully open about my wants/needs/expectations of someone.  I know precisely where this insecurity, if you want to call it that, comes from; unfortunately I don't know how to get around it except by working through it with each new relationship.  That however takes a lot of time an understanding of the other person, which seems hard to come by.  I have a real fear of people doing things out of obligation instead of desire and so often don't verbalize my wants/needs/expectations because I don't want someone to do something because they feel obligated to.  I need to be wanted, I need them to do x y or z because they wanted to do them for me not because they felt obligated.  Thankfully I have some great friends who I do feel I can be more forthcoming with and who reassure me regularly that it's not an obligation at all for them.  Now if I can just transfer that to other types of relationships somehow.

I've become very frustrated with this whole searching for a new Dom business lately.  It seems to me that the vast majority of Dominants profess to want one thing but take on something very different...even in spite of someone who is a much better fit for what they supposedly want being right in front of them, at times even making it well known they are interested in said Dom.  Are they not cognizant of how counter their own actions are to their words?

There seems to be an over abundance of what I call "fix-it" Doms...and unfortunately I don't need fixed.  I'm pretty self sufficient, pay my own bills, don't have a highly dysfunctional family I need rescued from, have a career (not a job but an actual career), and baring some major life event am not at any risk of ending up homeless.  Not that I don't have my baggage, we all do, but it seems like an overwhelming theme I've come across lately is that Doms are wanting someone to rescue, or help fix......they want to be that knight on a white horse that comes swooping in and saves the damsel in distress....the problem with this from my point of view is that most of those damsels in distress are in distress because of their own ineptitude.  Sure some have been handed a bad lot in life and need someone to give them a chance, but most I've encountered have had a chance (or 10) and repeatedly fucked it up for themselves.  So why not instead choose a submissive who has their act together, who wants to serve and is intelligent enough to take direction well and learn quickly?

i am very much missing being of service to someone right now.  however i also recognize that being in a "frenzy" and just finding someone random for the sake of getting a need met is not a good way to go about thing either so i am working hard on reigning myself in and continuing this extremely slow frustrating search so that my next Dom is a good one who will fullfill more then just my need to be on my knees pleasing someone

Is it wrong of me to find it a complete turn on that James Frain's vampire on True Blood gets totally turned on watching Tara beat up some guy?