KinkyScientist

This is how I flirt. Perhaps I should work on that.

http://explosm.net/show/episode/78/the-duet/autoplay

In Norwegian you do not refer to your partner as 'boyfriend" or "girlfriend" but rather, "kjaereste" which means "the dearest."

The swedes use the term "alskling" which translates as: "my beloved one."

In Finland the term is, "mulkvisti" which means, "the one I do not hate as much as all the others."

I am searching for my mulkvisti:-)

Happy Halloween everyone!

The day we can all go out in our craziest fetish gear and nobody calls the cops.

It's Dad's turn to cook dinner for the family, and tonight he wanted to try something a little different: deer.
Once everyone had sat down, he asked if anyone can guess what tonight's dinner was. "I'll give you a hint," he said. "It's what your mother calls me."
The boy thought for a second, then he shouted:

"DON'T EAT IT! IT'S AN ASSHOLE!"

A widowed lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a totally deserted beach at Ft. Myers.

She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.

"How are you today?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.

"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?" She asked.

Yes, I live over in Cape Coral ", he answered, and again he resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?"

With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.

When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?

Have a happy Talk like a Pirate day me hearties.

“You have to be a man before you can be a gentleman.”

–John Wayne

A Baptist Preacher was seated next to a Redneck on a flight to Kentucky .
After the plane took off, the Redneck asked for a whiskey and ice, which
was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink.
Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."

The Redneck then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice

Went to the Gilroy garlic festival last weekend. Pretty usual and fun festival stuff, but...

While I was sitting eating garlic steamed mussels, I was watching a group of 4 20-somethings eating and chatting. When they left, one threw something away and missed. Bending over to pick it up (yes, I was checking out her butt) I noticed the very distinct outline of a buttplug on her shorts.

That brought about some flights of fancy, was one of those other girls her Mistress? Had her Master let her go to the wore a plug the whole time? Or was she just an anal addicted pervert.

I really enjoy the kind of public/private play where the sub is doing something perverse yet mostly unseen in public. I wonder how long she wore that plug that day.

Kinky fun.

I possess a superhuman ability to piss anyone off in 3 emails or fewer. I suppose that's good in its own way, after all if they are that easily put off in an email, in person I would reduce them to a cringing fetal ball.

One day, a man walked into a bar. He say's to the bartender, "If I show you the most amazing thing in your life, will you give me five free beers?"

The bartender says, "Show me this amazing thing first."

So the man takes out a 11 inch man and a tiny piano.

The 11 inch man starts playing the piano. The bartender scratches his head and says, "Wow, that is amazing. Here are your five beers. How did you do that?"

"There is a magic lamp outside. Rub it and a genie comes out and will grant you one wish."

So the bartender goes outside, finds the lamp, and rubs it. Then the genie comes out and says "I am the genie of this lamp. I will grant one wish. Choose carefully."

"I want 10,000,000 bucks." As soon as he made his wish, 10,000,000 ducks came out of nowhere.

The bartender goes back into the bar.

"Boy" he says to the man, "that genie sure does have bad hearing."

The man answers: "I know, did you really think I asked for a 11 inch pianist?!"

A guy is walking down the street and enters a clock and watch shop. While looking around, he notices a drop dead gorgeous female clerk behind the counter. He walks up to the counter where she is standing, unzips his pants, flops his chop out and and places it on the counter. "What are you doing, Sir?", she asks. "This is a clock shop!!" He replied, "I know it is and I would like 2 hands and a face put on this!"

I was banging this nice Lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open.

She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!”
Thinking back, I really should have ran – but you don't get offers like that every day.

I was recently told that I was out of touch with reality if I expected to find a suitable submissive or slave here.

Was so surprised to hear this I almost fell off my unicorn.

Searching for the daughter of the devil himself,

So I can fuck the hell out of her.

I feel like I truly belong now. Just got a message from a slave who wants me to send money so I can free up the millions left her by her previous master.

From Nigeria no less!

I am amazed it took so long for me to get a Nigerian inheritance scam, I have truly arrived. If I had not already blocked and reported the profile, I would thank them for making me feel like a true part of the community. It's like a hazing ritual in sports, you're not truly a member of the team until it has happened.

" Give it to me! " she yelled " I am so fucking wet, give it to me NOW!!! " she continued to beg.

I love to hear them beg. As a Top, nothing could be sweeter than hearing a sub beg for it. I was enjoying her pleas, but not the predicament that she was in. The humiliation was just wrong on so many levels. I was not unsympathetic about her plight but she could scream all that she wanted

I was not giving her the umbrella.

Just a hint for new people, a profile with a purple background and black lettering is rather hard to read.

This totally not safe for work song, it's like they reached into my soul and drew forth that burning question I find myself needing the answer to.

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This 50-year-old guy is sitting at a bar when a 65-year-old woman sits down beside him and orders a drink. After a few drinks she asks him "have you ever had a Sportsman's Double?"

"I don't know. What's a Sportsman's Double?"

"It's a threesome with a mother and daughter."

He reflects for a moment, then replies "no."

She asks, "Would you like to?"

He looks her over and sees she is actually pretty good for a 65 year old and he figures her daughter must be really hot so he says "sure, why not." They get into her Mercedes and on the way over he can hardly wait to see what the daughter is like.

As they come in through the front door of her house she turns on the entry light and hollers up the stairs, "Mom, are you up?"

You Might Be A Submissive If:
· You hear the term "House Whip" on CNN and then get disappointed when you find out that they are talking about politics.
· If a friend tells you she/he can’t get out of the house because they are all tied up, and you get jealous.
· If stocks and bonds fascinate you, but you could care less what happens on Wall Street.
· If you find yourself lying about your birthday just to get in an extra spanking of two during the course of a year.
· If, deep in your mind, you think of tic-tac-toe as a game being played between the X’s and the story of the O’s.
· If you hear a confused person say; "Beat me!" and you automatically yell out "ME NEXT!"
· If you think the best part of going to church is getting to kneel.
· If when you go to church and make up extra sins at confession so you can get a heavier penance.
· If you actually wish your Mastercard would give you orders.
· If you think the three basic materials for bed sheets are; linen, silk, and leather.
· If you call your vibrator Sir.
· If you think your panties look best on you when pulled down around your knees.
· If you see a road sign displaying "Chains required" and wonder if that means whips are optional…
· If you read a headline about "sub warfare", and picture two naked women cat-fighting over a cute Dom.
· If you dream of a beautiful leather jacket with a full face hood…

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I should change dentists?

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening."

At a trivia contest they had the other day. I lost by one point: The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently the correct answer was Africa!!!

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A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a mustache."

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Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular people-porn, you sick bastard.

A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"

The girl replied with a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?"

The guy then responded with a loud voice: "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!"

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.

The guy whispered in her ear: "I study law, and I know how to screw people."

My Christmas present to me was SCUBA certification. Not terribly kinky, but still fun and I'm excited about it.

Have a Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah, Joyous Yule, Merry Festival of Frost, Happy Solstice, Merry Agnostica, Happy Saturnalia, Merry Festivus, Happy Boxing Day, Joyous Kwanzah, Happy Dwali, Merry Las Posadas, Joyous Hogmany, Happy Bhodi Day, Joyous Eid-al-Adha and any other holiday you might celebrate this December.

Life is like a box of chocolates.

Flip life over and look at its backside.

Then you can see exactly what you're going to get.

A vanilla kiss is one with mouths closed and gentle.
A kinkster kiss is a little tongue and a few nibbles on lips.
A french kiss is a whole lot of tongue and a few nibbles on the lips.
An australian kiss is kinda like the french kiss... Only down under.

Every man should have sex at least once with a poet.

No matter how you are endowed, they will always say, "This is so deep."

Love says, "I would do anything for you."

Lust says, "I'm gonna do anything to you."

Kink says, "I'm gonna do you with anything."

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off."

"Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like shit"

There is this guy who has a 25 inch dick. He goes to a witch in the woods and asks her if she can make his dick smaller because he just can't please the ladies because it is just too big, he hasn't found a lady yet who likes it and he can't get any pleasure.

She tells him to go into the woods and he will find a frog when he finds the frog he is to ask it to marry him. If the frog says no, his cock will shrink 5 inches.

He goes into the woods and finds this frog. He asks "frog, will you marry me?"
The frog says "no" And his prick shrinks five inches.

The guys thinks to himself, "Wow, that was pretty cool. But, it's still too big." So he goes back to the frog and again asks the frog: "Frog, will you marry me?"
Frog: "No, I won't marry you."

The guys dick shrinks another five inches. But that's still 15 inches and he thinks his chop is still just a little bit too big.
But he thinks that 10 inches would be just great. He goes back to the frog and asks: "Frog, will you marry me?"

Frog: How many times do I have to tell you NO, NO, NO!!!

If tin whistles are made out of tin,

What do we make fog horns out of?

A preschool teacher gave her class some lifesavers and asked if they could tell her what flavor they are without saying the color.

Red = Cherry

Yellow = Lemon

Green = lime

Then she gave them a honey flavored candy. When none of the children could figure it out she gave them a hint.

"They're what your mommy sometimes calls your daddy."

One little girl looked up in horror and spit her candy out.

"Oh No! They're assholes!"

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile,a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.
"Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.
There was silence, and then the masochist said: "Meow."

If we always learned from our mistakes, the world would be populated by geniuses.

20% of couple claim to have met online. I wonder what the percentage is for kinky couples. But the real question is not who meets where, but rather, does it work out more often or not?

Scrolling through hundreds or even thousands of profiles turns dating into the supermarket. A person becomes a consumer purchase instead of a human being and potential life partner. Just as you might put back an apple with a tiny blemish that would never be noticed while eating it, profiles that fit superficial qualities are more likely to be chosen over communication skills and the ability to cope with the stresses of being a couple. (Illness, job loss, family issues, whatever)

Is it really that important that she has big boobs, or would you like to be able to spend five minutes with her without wanting to jump out a window.

So he can hammer a six inch iron spike through oak with his penis? Great, does he have a job? Can he count to ten without checking his iPhone?

BD/SM relationships may differ in some ways from vanilla, but at their core it's two (or three or four) people who need to get along in some fashion.  Compatibility, communication, support. These things are just as important here as anywhere else. Picking a partner is not the same as buying a pair of pants.

-Now back to my usual silliness.

Do you like Pina Coladas? (They're OK)

Getting Caught in the Rain. (Umbrella)

If your not into yoga, (Who like flexible fit women anyway?)

if you have half a brain. (Which half)

If you like making love at midnight, (I have to work tomorrow, leave me alone)

in the dunes on the cape. (Sand in my crack)

Then I'm the love that you've looked for, (When your not on facebook)

Come with me and escape. (By escape I mean be tied up in my closet)

I never truly understood why some submissives and slaves describe themselves to me as worthless. As if that was an attractive trait.

Why would I want to own a worthless thing? It has NO worth. I don't buy a TV, car, or couch in the hopes that it will have absolutely no value.

A slave should be something precious that is given freely. That is of infinite worth.

Roses are red,

Violets are flowers.

I want to pin you down,

and spank you for hours.

Happy Valentines day.

Buying new furniture.

It's amusing how my aesthetic choices are often mitigated by "Can I tie somebody to this without breaking it?"

Just an addendum here. I am looking for a long term partner, not a one night stand or a play partner. If you are not looking for a relationship, then feel free to check out the thousands of other men who just want to get laid. I need to actually like the person I Dom and enjoy my time with them outside the boudoir.