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Domkindfirm
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Janglyvast
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EnslaverWA
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While hopeful that I may find a long-term partner, I welcome lovers, play partners and friends of either sex -- if the fates choose that it be more, I am open to those possibilities, too. Although finding a Dominant to love and serve is my dream, I believe that happens when one is busy being one's true self. I would love to meet and becomes friends with more lifestyle folk in the Northwest, as well as those who are artistic, poly, Pagan, or kinky!
Please understand that I am not seeking outside the Pacific Northwest. I have NO plans to relocate, so while having friends around the world is lovely, friends is all we can be if you live further than 200 miles from Seattle or don't plan to relocate here yourself. It would take someone truly extraordinary to convince me otherwise, and my life is filled with extraordinary people right here. I am currently involved in two poly love relationships, both of which involve some aspects of D/s. Neither is, nor will be, 24/7.
Another note: My life is so busy, I have no extra time to spend on messaging on Yahoo IM or any others. If you are from the Puget Sound area, I will happily go to phone calls and possibly meetings after we exchange a few emails, but chatting online is a time sink I can't afford.
As for who I am, I suppose Bohemian describes me pretty well. As a submissive, as a writer and sculptor, as a woman, as a human, I am passionate and joyful. I am left-wing in my politics; earth and people based in my spiritual path; very unconventional in my attitudes toward relationships and sex. I'm well over 50, but as you can see, I don't look it. Maturity as a state of being doesn't preclude the joyful abandon of youth -- I'm a hedonist who is fiercely sensual, have passion for all aspects of life and love, am a skilled lover, avid conversationalist -- I also have a decidedly Poly bent -- well, there is more, should you wish to know.
I love books, movies, music, dancing, and am a rabid Anglophile. I like a wide range of music and films, discussing philosophy, attending Renaissance Faires and SCA events, teasing and laughing out loud. I'm very sensual, sexual, masochistic, uninhibited, very kinky. Submissive to the right person.
Please don't mistake that this means submissive to every "Dominant." I am always polite and courteous, but am a strong woman who understands that until that One comes along, I must take care of myself. Therefore, please don't mistake me for a pushover or easy mark. I give respect and hope that it is returned. Treat me as a person first and we could find our way to deeper things.
I'm looking for someone who is intense, adventurous, joyful, and strong. He or she MUST be intelligent, well-educated and/or well-read, open-minded and creative. He/she should take great joy in physical expression of affection, need sex like he needs air, be touchy-feely and enjoy same. If he or she is Sadist, Pagan, Poly, SCA, a history buff, that's a definite plus! If He or she should thrive on control, enjoy at least a small amount of ritual, and find SM an intrinsic part of the bonding between Dom and sub, so much the better!
Oh, and gentlemen, if you wear a kilt, that's a definite plus!
What do I want? Sharing laughter, debating philosophy, enjoying hot, steamy nights being used for his pleasure or feeling his whip on my body, long lazy Sundays in bed enjoying laughter and delicious sex. Sharing movies, books, dancing, art. At first, just a hunger to do things together with passion. In the future? If something deeper and more intense develops, wonderful! Belonging to someone who ultimately wants and needs me to be a 24/7 part of his or her life would be a dream come true. That by no means precludes something less time-intensive or shorter term.
Things that will decidedly leave me unimpressed are using texting shorthand or internet-speak in your emails, poor spelling and grammar (I'm a writer), arrogance, obnoxious language, and one-line emails. If you don't take any time or effort in your intro to me, why should I?
What have I learned by life experience? That joy is found by choice, not happenstance. Be joyful!<font size="7"">hat we create our own reality. That life is too short for regrets, guilt, doubts, or extreme caution; that as soon as you give in to expectations, you are bound to be disappointed; And that, no matter the outcome, risking love is always worth it.<br /><br />Please contact me if you would like to know more.<br /><br /></font></body> </html>
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Well, apparently there has been a delay in quitting this site. I get emails on occasion -- even respond to some. My life is so full, unless someone taps into the part of me that is intrigued at possibilities, I don't bother.
Am I submissive? I've thought so for years. Now I'm not so sure. Or perhaps it's simply that the men I've met who inspire that in me are either friends or in a monogamous relationship with someone else. I don't remember the last time I enjoyed a scene with someone. I haven't been to the club here in ages. I have a defined D/s relationship with one of my lovers, and an intermittent one with another lover. These don't particularly involve much S/M. I'd like it if they did.
Am I still looking for a Dominant? Of that I am also not sure. A Top would be nice -- one to pull my hair, flog and whip me, and fuck me stupid. *laughing* Oh my! But I am deeply involved in a Poly family and a Poly tribe -- being a full time submissive would be difficult, at best.
So, this move and the past four years have changed me to a certain extent. I'm still a lover, a writer, an artist, an active Pagan, and on occasion, a submissive. So here's to another 25 or so years of happiness. |
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This is a short reprise of an old rant:
Guys, really? You think your dick is more interesting to look at than your eyes or your smile? How sad...for you. For me, it helps weed out the idiots. |
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I'm thinking that this profile is gonna go bye-bye soon. I've become terribly disappointed that this site has been taken over by vanilla sex hungry males pretending to be serious about the BDSM lifestyle and are totally clueless about how to behave.
This sad state of affairs has happened to nearly every BDSM site I've ever come across. At first, the site is populated by those truly interested in BDSM - often mostly by word of mouth from other lifestyle folk. Then the vanillas get wind of it and the whole tenor of the site changes. Pretenders and the truly ignorant begin their onslaught and suddenly there is not only none of the respect and civility of those who understand the Leather life, but one is approached by jerks and the ignorant who think that every submissive merely has to be told to obey and they will automatically comply.
Get a clue, guys. Submissive doesn't mean stupid, pushover, or obedient to anyone who throws orders around. Submissive women, by and large, are intelligent, competent and strong. They have to be BECAUSE they are submissive. Gaining the trust of a submissive woman is a time-consuming task that requires intelligence, strength and thoughtfulness. The few friends I've made here will remain my friends whether I am here
or not. They are "real" - real people, real submissives and dominants.
Oh, and all you guys who figure if you put "Master" or "Lord" or "Sir" in front of your screen name and pretend to be a dominant that submissives will roll over and open their legs just cause you bark an order -- good luck! You're gonna need it!
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WOW~! FaerieWorlds was HOT! The weather, that is. The music was amazing, especially Faun. The costumes were delightful and surprising (ask me about one faery's Steam Punk wings!) The atmosphere was both soothing and exciting. I was with about 35 of my closest friends from 4 Poly families. It was, except for some few things, a memorable experience. I'm still recovering.
This coming weekend is my birthday and a trip to the Washington Renaissance Faire. Friday night I have a date with a beautiful woman. Life is good. *grin*
I have started correspondence with a couple of interesting people recently. I look forward to continuing that.
May life be so good for you all!
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Since I haven't got a camera, the audio/video journal is out for me. So here's the update:
Busy busy busy! I pop on here to read emails, then pop out again, not having answered any of them. It's not disrespectful, let me assure you -- it's that I'm totally overwhelmed at the moment and attempting to get it under control.
Just came back from a lifestyle campout, and at the end of the month, I'm off to Oregon for FaerieWorlds for 4 days. Then I will be attending the Washington Renaissance Faire, at least for one weekend, then two blessed weeks before I have two back-to-back camping events, one of them a week long. Whew! I won't know what to do with myself in September!
Yes, I overbooked. But this is me living the life I missed out on in my 20's, when I was a young mother raising two kids. It feeds my creativity. Magick. That's what it gives me. Magick. Like a gloriously passionate and intense love affair, it brings color to my face and a sparkle to my eyes. YES!
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Just an update - a very busy weekend ahead, so I may not be available here until Sunday night. For those waiting for a response to an email, I will get to that as soon as possible.
Have a beautiful weekend!
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Update for my friends:
I am well. I am too busy. I am happy. I am employed (still). I like who I am. I have lots of love in my life and more all the time. Friends, Lovers, Inspiration, Music and Art. Life is good.
Funny, just occurred to me that today would have been my 42nd Wedding Anniversary. Wow! I hope D is as happy as I am, though I doubt it.
*kisses* and blessings! May your journeys be interesting!
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I leave on Thursday for a six day return to Louisiana. While seeing family and friends will be lovely, the main purpose of this trip is to say goodbye to my sister who died after a long illness. She was only 53. I made my peace with her before she left Washington to go back home to our Mother's home. The memorial service will be a celebration of her life. Yes, we will cry, but we will laugh too. Yes, we will mourn, but we will remember the blessing she was in our lives. She would hate it if we were sad. That's the kind of person she was.
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Okay, here's the story. Back when I joined CM, and later when I updated my profile, I decided against including my chronological age. The reasoning behind this is that there is a lot of age discrimination in this lifestyle.
Someone said "60 is the new 40" and that may be, but let me tell you that societal ideas that 60 is "aged" is still out there.
I'm an active, vibrant, youthful woman. Look at that photo -- it was taken just a couple of months ago. I don't want a number to keep someone from looking at me and seeing who I really am.
SO, here it is. I became 60 last August. I am currently dating three gentlemen -- one a close contemporary, one in his 40's and one in his 30's. All of them have found me an energetic, fun, delightful companion and lover. Need references? *laughing* I'll get them for you!
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Ohmygods, it's snowing again! Over an inch so far and still coming down. *sigh* It wasn't supposed to do this!
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Well, cabin fever struck big time tonight, so I ended up convincing some friends to go to a movie with me. It was "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button." Amazing film! If you're looking for action adventure, this ain't it. If you're looking for a film rich in humor, love (not just romance) and beauty, you will find it here. Be warned -- it's 2 hrs and 47 mins long. But worth every minute. Brad Pitt was wonderful, with a subtlety that belies his pretty boy movie star status. He deserves an Oscar nod for this one. That F. Scott Fitzgerald wrote the story the movie is based on is only half the story -- the screen play was brilliant. Kudos and major recommendations to see this one. I plan to buy the video too. It's a keeper.
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Just arrived back home this afternoon. I was whisked away on Tuesday to a lover's house and spent the holiday with the household there. The snow made it too trecherous for me to drive and another tribe member had my car because his had broken down. I was all snug and warm (even enjoyed a hot tub on Christmas day) and safe from both boredom and dangerous roads. It was lovely! My email remained untouched until tonight.
I hope everyone had a beautiful holiday, whichever one you celebrate, filled with love and blessings!
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The snow gets deeper and deeper. Well over a foot now. I even sculpted a snow submissive with some of the white bounty. Got cabin fever and a big case of sexual deprivation. Haven't "played" (SM) for months now and I am suddenly feeling the need very strongly. There is such a lack of those who are not only skillful but have the spiritual intensity that would allow for a complete surrender of control. Will I ever feel the whip's sting or the bite of the clamps again?
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For the ones with no profile and no photo, who send one line emails:<BR><BR>
What is to recommend you to my interest<BR>
If nothing open on the page does show?<BR>
A simple query, statement of simplicity,<BR>
Will give unto my eyes some heart to know.<BR><BR>
How may I peer into the eyes of truth<BR>
If yours are closed to my enquiring gaze?<BR>
For through those portals all of you is known<BR>
And promise great adventures many days.<BR><BR>
I beg of you to let your words be free<BR>
And flow as waters do from rainy skies<BR>
For love and trust can only grow within<BR>
From your transparent self before my eyes.<BR><BR>
by kikisub 12/14/2008<BR>
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My sister, Paula, 53, passed away yesterday after a long battle with a rare heart/lung condition. I've been very quiet here recently for a number of reasons. That will continue for a while. I beg your patience with me, those of you who are friends. I haven't gone away, just spending some time looking into the past.
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Please don't feel slighted if I haven't written to you. This week was killer -- overtime nearly every night and on last Sunday. I'm struggling just to get some sleep these days. So once again, I ask your patience. When things let up a bit, I will answer your emails to me. I respect and honor you for hanging in there with me. Thank you so very much!
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Wake up calls are interesting things. This started out as any normal Saturday, except with the promise of some OT at work, which would certainly help right now. Got up, started laundry, checked email, then began to have chest pains. Nothing too ugly -- just a little shortness of breath, a tightness, a burning dull ache.
This was the second time. The last time, about two weeks ago, didn't last long. I talked to my roommate -- the nurse -- and said "I really am going to go see a doctor about this." I didn't.
So this morning, I went downstairs and my nurse roommate took my BP 148/93. Not good. Not too awful either. But the pain wasn't letting up at all. And it didn't. I was scared.
Long story short, I spent my well-planned Saturday in the hospital. First in ER, then in a room. Lots of tests -- Gods those people are vampires. The stress test was killer. Turns out my heart is okay, I need meds for high blood pressure, and the pain could be either nerve or muscle inflamation.
But what I faced today was more than just a hospital ER -- it was my wake up call. I've been good, really I have. Low fat diet, lost 50 pounds in the past 8 months, over 100 in the past six years. Working on getting healthier. But this reminded me that all that doesn't matter -- that life can change in a matter of seconds.
It wasn't a bad thing. Don't get me wrong. Wake up calls are simply the Gods reminding us that all our plans for our lives are subject to reality.
My reality is that I need to do more to be healthy. To walk, not a casual stroll, but quickly, until I sweat, because my heart needs it. To take meds for my borderline blood pressure so there isn't as big a load on my heart. To keep losing weight and being active.
Being young at heart isn't enough. I want to live a long time. A healthy life full of laughter, love, sex, inspiration and joy. So, I'll do what it takes to get there.
Just my little piece of reality.
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It's been a very long time since I wrote here -- months. It's magick. No, seriously. It was a small choice, simply to surrender to my deities' choices for me. As if I'd walked through a doorway, my life became filled with abundance. New friends, new lovers, offering support and love in a natural, unselfconscious way that allows no other option than to be totally myself. Such a blessing! Being truly accepted is a marvel. That's what life has become -- a delicious marvel!
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There comes a point where a woman, a submissive, begins to be discouraged in her hope to find the person who is her intended owner.
I have much faith in many things. My greatest belief is that we are all here for a purpose; that we are not some random particles who became self-aware. I have hoped, within the quest for that purpose, there would be a place for me that would be a safe haven, a refuge, a place where, when the door closes, the winds of chaos cannot reach. That place, for me, is always inhabited with not just myself, but with someone who SEES me and finds value there and wants to walk along with me into that haven.
Okay, long long sentence. *wry grin*
I have found those who SEE me and find value, but it always seems that those I can respect and trust have longer stronger commitments in their lives. It's not that I don't think I could be a beta -- with the right poly couple/group, I could -- but there is that in me that longs for arms to hold me in the night, for simple looks across the room that speak volumes, to kneel at the feet of the one I know would lay down his life for me as I would for him.
My search here is for that place -- a place of safety where I belong. A place where I know that no matter what dark secrets I reveal, they will be taken with serious consideration and care, and that the love will still be there -- the acceptance and pride in who and what I am --and the willingness to allow me to serve in every way I can. Kindness, gentility, wisdom, intelligence, honor - these are all by-words for me. They are what I expect of myself in order to be the best person I can be. And they are what I hope to find in the person to whom I would belong.
I believe there is a capacity in me for deep submission, even slavery. Though I have doubted it at times, I always come back to what is most satisfying to me --to please. Am I completely selfless? No. There are things I need and things I desire. But, a Master or Mistress will understand the difference, and be willing to guide me forward into the focus and structure that would please them. I would hope that my love, service and devotion would inspire their love, guidance and patience. To see pride in my owner's eyes -- to know I have served well -- only the Gods know how that is my dream.
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Since I can't figure out how to put line breaks into these posts, I'm separating lines with dashes. --------------
Sharing some quotes a good friend shared with me. I can so relate to the characters in these books!-------------------------
"And the sex, God, the sex! I never knew what sex was until him. It's not soft music and candlelight, a choice, a deliberate action.-------
"It's as involuntary as breathing and as impossible not to do. It's slammed up against a wall in a dark alley, or flat on my back on cold concrete because I can't stand one more second without him. It's on my hands and knees, dry-mouthed, heart in my throat, waiting for the moment he touches me and I'm alive again. It's punishing and purifying, velvet and violent, and it makes everything else melt away until nothing matters but getting him inside me, and I wouldn't just die for him -- I'd kill for him, too." ------------------------------------ Faefever by Karen Marie Moning ----------------------------"Sex is one of the most personal things we do as people. To have someone who says she loves you limit how you express yourself in the bedroom is like a small death. It kills the soul." ----------------------------------------- Blood Noir by Laurell K. Hamilton ----------------------------
PERSONAL NOTE: Loneliness is hard, but lack of passion is even harder. Being passionate about many things, I long for someone to share not only those day to day passions in life, but to hear him to growl his demands into my ear, to take me until we are both covered in sweat and marked inside and out with it. And I long for the safety of warm arms surrounding me as we settle into sleep later.----- Possession. YES!
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The last couple of weeks have been filled with many thoughts and much turmoil. My apologies to those with whom I've been corresponding. I have only been visiting this site rarely. A lot has happened recently that has brought some questions into my mind and I need time to ponder them. If you email me, I assure you I will respond. In the meantime, may your days be bright.
With respect and light,
Dixie aka kinkypet
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The past several weeks have been insane. The move actually took two weeks to accomplish. We turned the keys in to the landlord this week and are finally settling into the new house. There is a lot still to do, but I can actually come home after work instead of going to do more packing and cleaning at the apartment.
I should be getting back in touch with those I have corresponded with recently. I thank you for your patience with me.
On another note -- Beltaine is almost here! For those who don't know...Beltaine is May 1. In centuries past, May was a month for sex -- with anyone. A child conceived during that time was considered blessed by the Gods. (No worries, I'm beyond child bearing!) Hedonistic pleasure was considered not just a right, but a responsibility. The fires of Beltaine night were for dancing, leaping, and lighting couples into the shadows to share the blessings of passion and pleasure.
I so want to bring in that holiday in sweating passionate sex -- but at
present I have no partner to share the delicious beginning of Summer.
Any volunteers?
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Just a few words to let everyone know I am back online after nearly two weeks of no internet! The move is still going on -- there are a few more things to move from the apartment, then the cleaning and wall patching (Lots of nail and screw holes to fix!) to be done before turning over the keys to the landlord.
The new house isn't settled yet -- that will probably take another month to get everything unpacked and sorted. Then, a butt - umm, house - warming party to introduce our friends to the new digs.
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I apologize for being so absent, but it seems I will be moving early next month and I have much to do!
The three of us (myself and my two female roommates) were living together already and another two friends were interested in creating a house where we could all be comfortable with who we are and have a better living space, so we decided to form a kind of kinky commune. *Laughing* Our lease was going to be up at the end of June, so we were already looking at moving anyway.
Things just fell together. We looked through house rental ads, picked those we were interested in, but when we viewed the first one, we were sold. It's huge (3000 sq ft) and very reasonably priced in a quiet neighborhood, green belt, secluded enough to be discrete. It has lots of storage everywhere, shop space in the garage, all appliances (including a brand new washer and dryer and a 20 cu ft freezer!) and five bedrooms. We picked up one of the other two who are going to be living with us, and took him back to meet the landlord. In the course of discussion, we realized the landlord was kink-friendly! How much more perfect could it be? So we paid the deposit and will take possession on April 1.
Myself and my roommates were concerned about getting out of our lease without paying it out, but on talking to the landlord, we found out another tenant in the building wants a two bedroom with a view of the lake (which we have.) So we are good to go -- it will simply be a matter of getting packed (we move April 6), then giving the apartment a good cleaning, patching nail holes, etc. before mid-month. They will pro-rate our rent and we will be good to go!
Now it will be time for packing, selling off some stuff, giving away some stuff, and --oh yeah, finding new beds. *grin*
This is gonna be so good! We've already got the dungeon room picked out!
Wish us luck?
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Lots of things going on right now. A friend and one of my favorite Tops is putting together a group of people to live together. It will be a BDSM friendly house -- not necessarily a BDSM family, as such, but a house where lifestyle in all its permutations is welcome. We're looking for a large (at least five bedrooms, more if possible) house, hopefully somewhat secluded. With all of us combining incomes, we should all benefit from reduced rent and living expenses. We will be a community -- well somewhat like a commune actually -- sharing the complete freedom of not having to hide who we are. There will be separate bedrooms for everyone, an onsite dungeon, shared workload to maintain the house.
I've thought of this in the past but really was unsure how it would go over. It seems to be a definite possiblity. Only time with tell. We will have some issues (like the landlord agreeing to 7 or more adults living in the house rather than a family in the traditional sense of the word.) I'm hopefull but reserving judgement until we find a house that is suitable.
Am I happy with the mix of people? Yes. two of them are already my roommates, the gentleman who is the lead in this is someone I respect and trust, his sub is very sweet, and the other couple are young, but seem to be drama-free. Who knows? It's an adventure!
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I've been a writer for years, published back in the early 90's, with two unfinished projects in the hopper and an idea for another. My energy has been consumed with other things recently, but I'm doing some more writing now.
I have a place online where I share some of the "fun" writing I do -- erotica (and more specifically, some BDSM erotica). I share that link here in hopes you will enjoy reading it as much as I enjoy writing it. It is entirely free and open to anyone who cares to read there, so please pass the link on to anyone you think may enjoy it!
http://geocities.com/kikisub/
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I've had some inquiries lately about New Years Eve. I spent it at home with one of my roommates drinking mudslides and watching the ball drop and fireworks almost go off from the Space Needle. I did get to go to a party New Year night, thanks to a lovely friend.
Since then, I've been trying to get healthier control of my life, which was very much out of control, as well as on my surroundings, which were as chaotic as I felt. I think I may have been suffering from SAD. My dear Sir saw that I was out of control and restricted my outside activities until I have a better handle on things.
If I am slower in responding to emails, please understand that I am not on CM as often or for as long as I was previously. Those of you who have been corresponding with me recently, I haven't forgotten you. I look forward to more soon.\
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I'm thinking about the New Year. I have no date. I had hoped to have someone with whom to bring in the New Year -- someone to kiss -- someone to share dances and a toast to 2008 adventures. I still have hopes, but they are fading quickly.
Who might be willing to spend an evening of sparkling conversation, laughter, perhaps romance and a kiss? Wouldn't that be fun? I'm available.
It has been a quiet Christmas -- after the party everything was rather
anticlimactic. My friend from Louisiana got to experience snow for the
first time in her life (snow on Christmas day) although it didn't
stick. More expected, I hear.
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Things to be grateful for:
Yule is almost here. My friend has arrived from Louisiana and she graduated! I will be on web cam with my family back home in Louisiana while they open their gifts -- thanks to the internet, I can be at home for Christmas. All things to be grateful for. I am blessed.
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Someone very dear to me died late in November. We had large dreams 20 years ago -- dreams that were cancelled out by fate's hand. I have wondered if his life would have been different if I had been able to keep that dream alive. Perhaps today he would not be dead. Did I not care enough to make a life with him? Or did I stop believing in dreams?
I'll never know. I cannot go back. I cannot change what is. All I can do is hope that when love shows its face again, that I recognize and embrace it and take the risk to live the dream.
Thank you, Ted, for all that you were to me these past 20 years. I will always remember the laughter.
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Happy Thanksgiving, Everyone! I am grateful for so much in my life, including those of you who have chosen to know me. Blessings on this special day!
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To me, submission requires at least some base knowledge of self. Not of whether a whip turns me on or whether I get wet thinking of kneeling in front of a powerful man or woman -- that is chemistry. But rather, submission requires that I know whether I have the heart in me to do the task with grace and acceptance, even joy, even when it is something mundane or difficult. It requires that I know whether I can find obedience enough for it encompass my whole self -- body mind heart and soul -- and respond with a complete giving of the task, with every fiber of my being.
These last 11 years have been a journey in discovering those things. Not a complete journey by any means. Autonomy is part of my world and has been for far longer than the 11 years I've been out of my marriage of 30 years. And since there have been very few opportunities to test the depths of D/s in those interviening years, I find myself often wondering if my leanings will be enough to realign the habits of a lifetime. Resistance seems inevitable, even though I have found that with each releasing of control, I become more centered, more relaxed, more focused and happier.
Only time, and the right Dominant, will tell that tale.
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I find myself frustrated with those who equate Topping with Dominance. The two are not interchangeable. For me (your mileage may vary) Dominant is who one is -- dominance is a need to control that is as strong as the need for food or air or sex. It requires focus and attention to detail and a willingness to be hard when the situation calls for it. It requires an ability to provide structure without chains, to be light on the feet enough to roll with what life brings and not lose one's vision. It is not about play or sex, it is about LIFE. It's a very rare and special thing. Anyone can wield a whip or flogger, or tie someone to a bed and have kinky sex. There are lots of articles out there about what makes a Dominant. And I'm not saying that one cannot learn focus and control -- but that must become natural and constant. Wavering, even a little, and the focus retreats and with it, the control.
Submissives -- those who live in the land of strength because they've been forced to it, but who can only really flourish with direction, guidance and safety -- need the Dominant like they need food and air and sex. For within the safety He/She provides is the freedom to serve, to grow, to become a most precious and valuable being. The conundrum is that, only within the safety of the cage can a slave grow the beautiful untattered wings of true freedom.
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It's one of those restless nights when I can't seem to sit still, but the idea of heading out to a bar somewhere just doesn't feel right. I need to start going to the Seattle FWB events, I think -- so I can have someone to call and say "wanna get together tonight?"
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It's been a while since I've posted to my journal. I've been to the club a few times, but while I enjoy the people there and I have a couple of wonderful play partners, it has not yielded a relationship beyond its walls. And while BDSM play is good, even necessary, to me, I remain alone and lonely much of the time.
Today, when a very special and loved Dominant left my home after a very intense two days of togetherness, it struck me that I may never be lucky enough to have what he has at home with his wife/slave...and that is the daily sharing of lives as a D/s couple/family. As part of his poly family, I share in his life in some ways, but periferally at best, as he lives some distance away and his schedule only allows for rare visits. Those visits are blessings to me, but he knows I need more and wants that for me, too. He knows I need to be owned, loved, appreciated, given the chance to be of service to one whose life I share completely, 24/7.
There have been times I have wished I could walk the other side of this street Dominance and submission. I see FemDoms who have wonderful relationships and more begging at the door to become their partners. But it is not in me to become what I am not. I am submissive, through and through.
So, I am still a submissive in waiting, in many ways. I have chosen to give my service and my love to the one who has become my guide to becoming better, because I trust him implicitly and know that he sees who I am more clearly even than I, and chooses to put the effort into helping me even when he can't own me as I would wish. It is an unselfish love that astounds me everyday, because I benefit so much more than he from this relationship. His control, his participation, his love and guidance are beautiful gifts to me. But I long so to serve 24/7 and that is not in the cards for he and I.
And so I kneel to him and the blessing that he is to me, share what I can of his life, do my best to obey his rules, and wait -- for the One who may never come.
If you would like a reference as to my sincerity, my skills, and my commitment as a submissive, please email me and I will put you in touch with him. He can tell you far more than I the truth of who I am.
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I'm thinking of going to the CSPC Center tonight. I haven't attended often in the past few months, choosing instead to spend time at home or with friends. Of course, there are friends and perhaps a few new faces to be found there on a Saturday night. And, if all goes well, perhaps a scene or sex...or both. Or a new friend. I'd rather spend the time snuggled at home in front of the fire with someone special -- or creating our own fire. But no one has asked me, so I suppose it's the party for me tonight.
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Fine art, delightful music, a good book, the little trod pathways into the countryside of England or Wales or the US -- all these are things that fire my imagination.
What touches me most? That is impossible to say -- all these things touch me in various ways. I love people, what motivates them, what they think and feel when they are creating beauty or emotion through their skills.
The backroads let me meet people who may seem ordinary - but are not.
Art lets me bask in emotion, ideas, challenge.
Music inspires me to feel pure raw emotion - to float on it and let the feelings flow through me.
Books, they make me think, give me a new perspective, let me laugh or cry.
There are more, movies, poetry, but they simply evoke like responses to the above. I suppose the attraction for me is that, in some way, I touch and am touched by others through these things. It's all part of life and living to the fullest. Something I choose.
I will be enjoying the country and the creative on Saturday at Concentric Circles out at the Longhouse in Redmond. An all day, all evening celebration of the Autumn Equinox (called by some Mabon). I look forward to my first real foray into Pagan community in Washington. Join me?
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It saddens me when someone ascribes motives or behaviors to me that are not at all what I am -- especially someone who doesn't know me well enough to even know what those motivations might be.
What is most frustrating about it is that I am a good person who CHOOSES to be trusting. I know there are fakes and a**holes out there. I've encountered more than a few in the 11 years I've been active in the lifestyle. I don't let that take my hopefulness from me. I CHOOSE to be open and friendly and look at possibilities, despite the risk.
Sometimes I see profiles or journal entries on here that are filled with bitterness. Those people are not for me. Everytime we take a chance on someone, we take a risk. If you don't wish to risk yourself, then don't be here. It doesn't matter whether you meet someone in a bar, in a grocery store, at a munch, a play party, or on CollarMe, you take the chance that they are not who they say they are. That is always the case, whether in the vanilla world or the bdsm world. To let that make you bitter, well, it gives the a**holes power over you long after you should have wiped their influence from your life.
There are gems among the dross, my friends. It takes a lot of mining to find them, but they are out there. I know. If believing that makes me foolish, then so be it.
I like to think that I am one of those gems -- As a friend, as a lover, as a submissive.
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Courage is a strange thing. Sometimes the strongest among us have trouble simply expressing what they do or do not want.
What if courage is needed simply to tell someone a truth they would rather not hear? Isn't it always better to be honest about how you feel, or don't feel, than to leave that person wondering and floundering for answers? I believe that to do so shows respect for the ones I meet and spend time with. It saddens me when that respect is not returned in kind.
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It is late and I am off to dream of passionate nights, the stunning crack of a whip; hooded eyes filled with primal hungers; being pinned in place by power; tender flesh ravaged by devouring teeth; of primal growls -- and dripping sweat -- and possession.
Where is the beast leashed by the Master, but barely?
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Someone mentioned chivalry in their profile, which I found interesting. In many ways, Dominance (the way I see it) is chivalric in scope. It seeks dominion, but as protector. As knights were given lands to protect for the good of the crown, so too is a Dominant given the heart and spririt of the submissive to protect for the good of them both.
He is also to take that which he desires and needs from the submissive. Yes, she gives those things to him, but like the lands given by the king into a knight's keeping, those lands support his needs and desires.
An idealist's view? Yes, of course it is. At base, we are all human, submissive and Dominant alike. But we can aspire to be more, with honor, with chivalry.
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Wow. I thought Monday was drop day. I was wrong. Today is drop day. Makes me glad work is so busy.
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I am off to Paradise Unbound for a blissful five days of clothing-optional, flogger target, sex and service fun!
See you Monday night!
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It's amazing, the diversity of the needs people have in this lifestyle. I'm still amazed at the ones who think that they can send someone a couple of emails and then demand 24/7 total obedience without ever having to show whether they are able to take care of themselves, much less another human being and keep them from harm.
(please note, from here on out, when I refer to a Dominant as "he" it is simply that doing dual pronouns he/she, him/her, is a pain! I am not referring simply to males.)
For me, trust is an essential in establishing TPE, and that takes time. I have the capability of complete unquestioning obedience, but only after a period of time (not specified) of knowing the Dominant in a 24/7 setting. You can put a collar around my neck, but it's only a symbol until I stop watching out for myself and trust that you will do so instead. For me, true ownership can't happen until all the concerns of my mind are relieved and I can release "thought" from the process of obedience.
Okay, maybe I'm not explaining it that well. *laughing* For instance, if the Dominant doesn't take care of his own health concerns, how can I trust that he will consider my health important? If he doesn't pay his bills, how can I know that there will be a roof over my head or food for meals? Look at Maslow's Hierarchy -- base needs must be met before higher functions can be realized.
MY OPINION: If one is not a Dominant (in control) in their own life, they are lying to themselves that they can be a Dominant with dominion (the root of Dominant) over someone else.
If my total obedience and service is to be rewarded by being cared for as a precious possession, then I need to be able to trust completely that the Dominant will put my well-being as a high priority. This treatment does not impair my ability to serve, it enhances it. If I am in pain (not talking SM here, folks), my full attention can't be on my service. If I am hungry and that state continues, my focus is taken from serving my Dominant to that hunger. It makes sense that if the slave is well-cared for, the slave gives better service, and is motivated to not only do well, but to enjoy the doing.
But, I digress. Those who expect to meet someone online, correspond or talk on the phone for a short time, then have them literally sign themselves over as TPE slaves with no rights, no say, no choices, are simply fooling themselves that a slave is what they are going to get. And those subs/slaves who think they can do so with anyone who puts on leather and sports the word "Dominant" in their profile, is kidding themselves that it will turn out well for them in the end, because the imposters far outnumber the genuine article.
The reality is that true slavery, where someone can own someone else and do whatever they wish to that person without the intervention of the law, doesn't exist here in the western world. Consentual slavery (what we practice in this country in this lifestyle) requires a meeting of the minds, the key word being consentual. I don't know a single slave out there who would stay with someone who abused (we're not talking SM play here) or neglected their property.
Slaves: Don't be sucked into the idea that everyone who proclaims Dominance is honorable and in control and will keep his promises to care for you. If TPE slavery really is your thing, then the person you give your being to should be worthy of that trust and responsibility and you can't possibly know that after a two month online correspondence. Get to know them as a person. How do they handle themselves in their vanilla life? In their job? See the signs and the red flags before making a lifetime (and life-changing) commitment.
Dominants: Don't think that just because a slave has given themselves over to you within a couple of months for TPE that they aren't still watching out for their interests. They might bend over backwards to please you, but ultimately if you don't care for and take care of your property, it will leave you, because survival is a stronger instinct than service.
Get your own life in order, if it isn't already. Then you will have the time to devote to training and caring for a slave who can make your life an even greater blessing.
As I said, the above is my opinion (after 11 years of experience in the lifestyle). Your mileage may vary.
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WARNING! I express opinions here that are only my own and I take ownership of them. Your mileage may vary.
--
Every once in a while I read a profile that frightens me. Especially when it is someone who has viewed my profile and might be approaching me. *shudder* Fortunately, he hasn't - yet.
I know this lifestyle isn't for everyone and I certainly know that there are as many levels of this thing we do as there are people who explore it. We have 24/7 TPE at one end of the range and "just a little kinky" folks at the other, and all of that and everything in between is great!
But there is also that fringe of seekers who are truly bent and possibly dangerous and sometimes they are very good at hiding that behind a seemingly logical exterior. And sometimes they don't even hide it very well.
This person's profile was a rant -- an absolute disjointed fantasm of the illogical bordering on the psychotic (and I'm not just talking about the impossible spelling.) 176 lines of it in which he says nothing about himself except to reiterate that he is the Dominant and to outline again and again and again what he expects (even referring to the decision to become the slave as not being within the slave's control) and what he will do if he is not obeyed instantly.
I believe in tolerance. I believe that no person outide of my personal relationships should have the right to tell me what to think, how to love and what to do, as long as I am within the boundaries of the law and the freedom this country affords me. And I believe everyone should have that right. If a person has a fantasy to be roasted on a spit over an open fire, then they should have the freedom to do so as long as that action puts no one else at risk. But those rights end when they begin to intrude on someone elses.
I fear this man is dangerous. If the very consent to slavery is non-consentual, does it become kidnapping/imprisonment? Is this simply another extreme -- one I just have not seen before in the 11 years I've been active in this lifestyle? I always withhold judgement except on a personal level, as it is not up to me to judge how others see D/s or M/s or choose to experience it.
But, if the man who wrote this diatribe happens to email me, I will quickly and quietly block him and pray that he finds no victims among the other submissives here. If my instincts are correct, he could be a danger to someone naive enough to be lured by his brand of slavery. If they are not, he could just be a crackpot. Either way, I want nothing to do with him.
--
End of Rant -- We return you to your regularly scheduled browsing.
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It's odd to go to a play party and not play. But it seems that is my lot in life of late. I think I've had two scenes in the past three months. I enjoy the people and watching the scenes, but gods I miss the rollercoaster ride that a good scene can be!
Of course, a scene with someone who is almost a stranger doesn't have the intensity of one with a Dominant who knows you well. And one with whom you feel your submission deeply. That is a rare thing -- one I miss so very much. I love being of service, the undercurrent of D/s that pervades every moment.
But I love the highs of a scene that takes me to a primal place where nothing exists except Master and myself and the potent energy created that must culminate in sex. There is a height and a depth that only such a scene can create.
Nights like tonight point out so vividly what is missing in my life and what I ache for. And why I am here, seeking.
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The Wet Spot is having two fascinating workshops on Saturday -- things a slave might find interesting if he/she feels that BDSM is a spiritual experience as well as a physical and mental one. "The Power of Service and Integrity" and "Transformational Ritual BDSM" by Arielle, someone who has been actively and spiritually involved in the Leather community for years.
For me, being a slave is a spiritual experience. Of course, it had all the elements of vanilla relationships too -- with an underlying foundation of D/s. But to be in "slave mind" is a kind of trance state for me. Service is part of that. Ritual is part of that. Kneeling, for instance, takes on a special significance. It's an amazing feeling of being complete to be of service, to please, to focus on the joy brought to the Master.
Training exists not only to create focus in the slave. It exists to produce the kind of pleasure response that is motivational to the slave. One can always learn to do something by rote -- a habit. But to learn to do so with focus and joy creates a hightened awareness instead of something one does thinking about other things (like washing dishes or driving to work -- completing those tasks without really being aware we are doing them.)
I want to LIVE my D/s existance -- not sleepwalk through it. I want to feel the joy of serving well, of seeing my Master's pleasure. That, to me, is D/s.
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So far, this is the week from hell. Rumors are rife at work that the company will be moving operations to SoCal --no way! I am in no way relocating! Seattle finally feels like home, almost a year since I moved here. I will find another job. It most likely won't be another five minute commute.
I've been very busy both at work and after. Today was the first day in a week I actually came right home after work and that was because I had some tasks to take care of here. I've hardly been online at all, even this weekend. My apologies if I've neglected emailing you because of it. I do want to keep in touch, to learn more about you, to share with you who I am. I beg your patience.
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Seriously looking for a large tent to accomodate me, my roommate and a dear friend from Louisiana when we attend Paradise Unbound this year for Labor Day weekend. Found a new model that looks promising, but hoping to find a second hand one first. If that doesn't pan out, the new one will be on order within two weeks.
I had such a wonderful time at Paradise last year! This year promises to be even more fun because I know more people in the local BDSM community and my best friend from Louisiana is flying up for a 6 day vacation.
And, a girl can hope that there might just be a special man or woman who'd like to spend time with me in a secluded, beautiful, clothing-optional setting amid the laughter and screams of lifestylers. Add to that, Gaia Consort giving a concert on Saturday night, and you have my idea of heaven!
I'm hoping to use the tent for other fun camping outings, too. Been wanting to head for the coast soon -- haven't seen the Pacific in years! And there's Faerie World in Eugene next month too...lots to do!
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Oh dear! I am sooooo needing to scene! Was going to the Wet Spot tonight, but last night I went to a place for Karaoke with friends, danced my butt off, and woke up with a VERY uncooperative right knee! So frustrating to have to sit home on Saturday night. I'm hoping it gets better quickly.
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One of these days I will learn -- never write anything directly into this journal editor. Once again it ate something I wrote -- a poem titled "Fierce." *sigh*
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It seems the allergies that have plagued me since I moved here have mutated into a nasty cold/sinus infection. *sigh* Please be patient with me as I will be spending the next few days heavily drugged and spending as much time as possible sleeping.
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It's very strange to respond to an unsolicited email with courtesy and respect and have someone accuse me of a bad attitude. Then when I reply that I was simply attempting to be helpful and he must have misunderstood, he wrote back calling me a profanity I can't even use here.
If this were a clueless kid, I could understand. But this was someone whose profile states he is 48 years old. How sad to be so negative! I would be curious to know if his "be my slave" one-liner intro actually receives any positive responses. I should never have written back to him in the first place. Lesson learned.
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Life has more notes than a brilliant symphony composed by a Master, but the beauty only lies in the music produced when a skilled and inspired musician brings emotion and expression to the notes.
If that symphony had only one note, life would become a bore. If the music we create only explores one aspect of who we are, that song cannot express our true beauty. A wind chime makes lovely music, but it lacks structure and form -- it is simply random notes without the direction of a composer or the interpretation of a skilled musician.
I make lovely music just as I am, but like any song, I long for the maestro who can bring out the amazing melodies and harmonies that are contained within.
I am so much more than a submissive and masochist. My music is made up of all the notes I have played in my life: the ideas, creations, loves, skills, blessings, tears and failings I contain. Just as I am, I would make a Master proud to own me. But with his skill, his guidance, his love and his dedication, I could be an amazing symphony -- A creation worthy of his efforts and his collar.
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So, how does one get up the courage to actually send an email to a Dominant? Every once in a while, I see a profile that peaks my interest -- but I can't seem to bring myself to approach them unbidden. At the Wet Spot, I can smile at someone and hope he "sees" me and is interested enough to express his interest in return. Here, it's much more subtle. I hate one-liners and I know many others do too. I'm not shy, exactly. Just unsure. Help me out? What should I say?
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Yikes! Two in one week! People will think I'm strange! *laughing*
Had a fun evening at karaoke tonight (have always loved to sing) instead of going to an all-woman SM party. I'm not averse to that -- I love women. But I feel like a fish out of water (you should pardon the pun) amid all the lesbians. I think there is some sort of unspoken rule that bi women are not safe or something. Sad. I have been in love with women twice in my life. Really in love -- not just hot for. And I have had passionate flings too. I have no prejudices or preferences one way or the other, when it come to loving. But I'm a girly-girl and perhaps that puts them off. I love to dress up, sparkle, wear skirts and slinky things and heels. Does that make me less of a prospect? Too bad.
I'm quite restless tonight. It's almost midnight, I'm home alone (roommate is sleeping off a migraine) and itchy. What's a girl to do?
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I hope everyone has
a fiery and passionate Beltaine!
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I haven't been answering my emails -- why? I think I figured it out tonight.
There are days when I really should not play and I think today was one of them. It ended with me feeling more isolated and alone than I have in months. Weird, because the winter has all but ended and I should not be experiencing depression.
The scene was fine, if incredibly intense. The problem was my head -- and my hunger. When I am like this I need to not only be whipped into quivering jelly, but to be held and made love to until I beg for mercy. The emotions are so tightly wound in me right now, I was thinking of getting drunk! *laughing* Me! I rarely drink at all and have only been drunk twice in my life.
Instead, I came home. It doesn't help the loneliness, but I feel safe. I know this will pass -- I just feel sometimes that there will never be a place where I belong or someone to belong to.
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It's been an interesting week and promises to be more so, soon. *sigh* Interesting in the way of the old Chinese curse "May you live in interesting times."
There is obvious discomfort when he is here, although we attempt to cover it with jokes and the pretense that we remain friends. I would like to be able to be that, but each time he is here some minor issue crops up that makes everything go sour between us and I suddenly feel completely unwelcome in my own home.
I realized tonight that if he does not find a way to resolve this in his heart, I may have to seek another place to live. I don't want to leave my dear sis, but this tension, even once a week, is more than I am willing to live with. I've begun to dread when he is scheduled to come over.
I'm sure he sees my choice to be released as a betrayal. It was not. It was simply an admission that he is not what I need and desire in my life. I've lived vanilla under the pretense of a D/s relationship before. Tried to make it work. No more. At least in the other relationship we had more in common than D/s.
As each birthday rolls by I am less and less willing to waste time. If it happens, so be it. But I'd rather stay here sharing a home life with a sister I love than go off on my own.
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I'm coming up for air. Getting used to working a "normal" day job makes weekdays a chore, but I'm finding my stride. All is well with me and I look toward the future with hope and anticipation.
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Tonight, at my request, I was released.
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Passion is so much a part of who I am. Passion for life, for art, for laughter, for pleasure and pain, for everything, but most of all for love.
I sometimes see couples together and feel their hunger for one another like an observant empath who watches, but cannot partake.
There is a part of me that wonders if I will ever know again the fire of love that brings that intensity to life. I ache to feel on me the burning eyes, the possessive hands, of One who hungers, as I do, for the power that bonding can be. One who craves me, as I do him/her; one who wants me for what only I can bring to his/her life.
Do I sound like a foolish 20 year old? Au contraire. Should I ever lose that passion, may someone dig my grave and put me in it! I'm not young, not foolish, not naive. But I am ALIVE, not merely existing!
I wonder -- are you?
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Please note: Looking for a Dominant sadist (either sex) who is comfortable with enjoying this submissive slut masochist for scenes, sex and service. First meetings will be public (restaurant or the Wet Spot) and you may be expected to speak with my Owner before further arrangements are made. Prefer mature (over 40) experienced Dominant who really enjoys SM and is open to friendship as well as play. I am intelligent, fun, lifestyle experienced and can give references. Please be the same!
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I've been here for 10 days now, busily unpacking and recovering from the 6 days it took to get here.
Master and my sister sub have been so very helpful since my arrival. This is such a new thing for me -- not just because we have only been considering this for three months, but because for the past ten years I have pretty much been on my own. All D/s in my life before this was at my own instigation -- self-fulfilling service. Now to turn my mind and heart to serving another in the 24/7 sense -- someone who wants/needs service and wishes it in a very specific way-- this is so very new.
I alternate between being so very content and moments of sheer terror when that little voice in my head whispers "what the f*** are you doing???" I know as I settle into Master's wishes, it will feel more natural and comforting.
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I really hate that my journal entries seem to be negative. I am very happily persuing my relationship with Master and in a constant state of surprise at his delight in removing even the smallest worry from my life. "I will deal with it, little one" is his favorite expression. "Don't worry about the big things, or the small things, that's my job." I'm learning that this level of commitment is true pleasure to him. As one so very used to being the one who handled EVERYTHING in my 30 years of marriage, and having encountered those since who were not at all interested in that level of control, it's hard for me to not take care of things. After all, if I didn't do it, it didn't get done. Not with Master! *laughing* He does take care of everything!
Okay, now the negative stuff:
1> I'm very perturbed that there seems to be an increase here in the non-kink folks. More and more profiles are just those looking for sex and not those involved in BDSM or kink. What about "The largest *BDSM* community on the planet" don't they get? There are lots of places on the web for those who are simply seeking sex partners! They should go there instead. If this makes me an elitist, so be it.
2> I hate being approached in email with one-liners by men who HAVE OBVIOUSLY NOT READ MY PROFILE or have no clue what a collar means. The first paragraph in my profile plainly states that I am relocating to Seattle to begin a relationship in a poly household. The second paragraph states I am no longer seeking a D/s relationship. I guess I will have to write with more clarity. I love making friends, but when someone emails with only the sentence "how kinky are you?" I know it's not simply about friendship.
The packing continues. ACK! It's interesting how many times I've thought of just putting a match to it all. I'm only bringing about half of what I own with me -- but even that is WAY too much! I must really be committed to this relationship! *grin*
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I'm finding it very difficult to get information on Gorean style M/s these days. I've been dismayed by the level of some of the sniping that has gone on in the Gorean messages boards here on CM. While there have been those who have been very honorable and on topic in their disagreements, there have been others who -- well, sadly, resort to childish squabbling and petty behavior.
I am new to the message boards here and am very new to the Gorean lifestyle. I am here to learn and there seems to be nothing but discord everywhere I venture. Is there actually a place on the Gorean board where discussions don't degenerate into name-calling and derision? I've yet to find it.
Perhaps those who choose to generate petty diatribes as
attention-getting ploys should think about those who, like me, are
getting the impression that many on the Gorean path know nothing of the
honor, respect and responsibility that is so touted in the literature and on the websites.
For myself, there are some truths that are universal:
"A person will be known by their actions and their words."
When someone chooses to act or speak dishonorably, it is visible to everyone. Additionally, no one really needs to point it out to others or respond to it --most certainly not respond in the same vein or with the same attitude! That kind of reply reflects only on the one who speaks in kind and makes them look just as childish and petty.
As my grandmother used to say, "When you get down and roll with pigs, you get up muddy."
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ACK! Packing up the detritus of my life is a revelation. I'm amazed at how much I can dispose of, as well as how much remains to go with me. This will make the fifth move in the past ten years! Hopefully, it will be my last for a long time. My sister submissive will be flying down to travel back to WA with me with all my belongings loaded up in a moving truck with my car on a trailer behind that. An adventure. Both the trip there and the time after, settling into a new relationship as part of a poly household. I'm excited and apprehensive all at once!
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I suppose I should clarify my report. I am moving to the Seattle area at the beginning of August and am no longer seeking a relationship. However, friends are always welcome.
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I guess I'm an age snob. Yes, me. Surprised?
I cannot see how a person in their 20's (or even younger) can state with any conviction that they are Dominant or submissive. I even see some profiles from people of 19, 20, and 21 that say they've been a lifestyle Dominant for "years."
To me, being Dominant (or submissive) in a lifestyle context takes experience and knowing who you are and what you want. And while I am not a "One-true-way"er by any stretch of the imagination, I do think there needs to be some clarifying of the definitions of the terms people use to describe themselves.
I believe that having kinky sex and exploring SM is NOT the same as Dominance or submission. To me Top and bottom are better descriptives for someone who is into kink, than to claim Dominance/submission or Master/slave lifestyle.
I know that the freedom to explore lifestyle possibilities so much earlier than most of us who are over 40 has allowed for younger people to choose a path before they've had some life experience, but the vast majority of 20-year-olds don't control their own behavior -- what makes them think they should have control over someone else? I know that I and my peers certainly didn't know what we wanted at that age. I look around me at the group I attend and there is always seems to be drama drama drama surrounding the youngest ones.
So I guess that makes me an age snob. If what you are looking for is simply kinky sex, why not just say so? After all, that is the place lots of us started. But please don't pretend to be something you are not.
Of course, I fully expect that my opinion will be bashed and I'll be subject to angry letters. After all, we all know what they say about opinions.
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With the help of two wonderful people, I am relocating to the Seattle area this summer. I know some friends will be disappointed that I have made this choice, but I must do what I feel is best for me. I hope they will understand.
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Excellent article for Dominants. This lady speaks to the frustration of finding someone in the world of the internet, but also gives clues as to what Dominants should be aware of for most of us.
http://www.thedomsview.com/Vol7/I3/sub.htm
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I wrote this almost two years ago, editing, paraphrasing and adding to something I found. It expresses the depths I feel and all I wish to be and do. I wrote it for someone who left my life. One day, perhaps, some other will read it and truly understand what it means. It is stated as to a Master, but that word could as easily be M'Lady.
This slave's prayer
Goddess of slaves, you who are most powerful and most accepting,
Show your daughter the ways she may grow into her slavery
Teach me patience that i may wait upon His wishes
Teach me serenity that i may offer Him peace.
Teach me humor that i may lighten His heart
Teach me trust that i may keep nothing from Him
May i learn to please Him, beyond myself
May i learn to love Him, to benefit us both
May i learn His power, that i may return it
May i learn His kindness, that i may cherish it
Give me vision that i may see His needs
Give me strength that i may ably serve Him
Give me wisdom that i may be an asset to Him
Give me courage that i may honor Him
Allow me the tenderness to comfort Him
Allow me the love to show Him devotion
Allow me the humility to speak truth to Him
Allow me the confidence to proudly serve Him
Help me each day to show Him my love by my service to Him
Help me to open to Him that i may be worthy to be His slave
Help me accept His punishment with the grace of a woman
Help me to love myself, in loving Him
May this heart open completely that He may see its depth
May this body soften with grace that He may find it pleasing
May this mind yield its secrets that He may ply its potential
May this spirit find its peace in service to His will
May my eyes always show Him respect
May my actions always do Him honor
Whether i sit at His side,
Or kneel at His feet
For it is my greatest wish, my highest purpose
To make His life complete, as He makes mine.
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Sometimes I wonder if this site doesn't just make things harder. From my point of view, there are lots of pretenders out there:
> Marrieds who are simply looking for an online playmate or for a quick fling while out of town on business.
>The sadly desperate ones, who create an image that is so unreal that it is immediately apparent they don't have any real confidence in who they truly are.
>The negative ones who are so busy saying what they don't want that they forget to say what they might be interested in.
One has to wade through all the dishonesty and negativity to try to find One who has honor; One who takes joy in living; One who is interested in a PERSON as submissive/slave, not just a sex toy; One who really means it when they say 24/7, and One who is willing to take the time necessary to create the trust to realize that dream.
I opened the door to my home this morning to sunshine and lovely breezes and found joy in the simple contemplation of the sound of the wind in the trees. Do I have negative days? Yes, on occasion -- but for the most part, I live joyfully. To most people these days, that seems so foreign a concept.
I want someone with whom I can share that sense of joy. I love to live creatively, to create beauty out of simplicity. To kneel before one's Master is a simple thing, but it is a thing of great beauty. Who could possibly not find joy in such a moment? That is merely a small example.
I have what most people would consider very little materially. That is because owning things is not that big a deal for me. The things I do own are ones in which I find beauty. I create other things of beauty out of clay or fabric or
wood or paint. I don't keep the beauty I create -- I give it away, because I love seeing someone's eyes light up with delight. It pleases me in a simple way.
That is part of who I am. Just one part. There is much more. Care to find out?
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Back from Seattle. It was an interesting trip. My sister is recovering well and there was a little time to sight-see and play.
I can't say enough about the folks at the Wet Spot. I was welcomed, met some delightful intelligent people, and got to scene with a wonderful Dominant Sadist. I felt completely at home, as I do here at RSVP and APExLA.
Now I'm back in Louisiana, checking out schools -- yes, I'm going back to school at my age! And still hoping to meet the One who is truly looking for a lover, companion, and slave. Sometimes I think all the Dominants who would be meant for me already own slaves. I still hope that one day I will feel a collar around my neck and a hand in my hair and the word "Mine!" growled in my ear.
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So far my trip to Seattle has been busy. I've managed to get out a bit, have attended a couple of things and look forward to some sightseeing before I go home. The EMP, the Science Fiction Museum, and Pike St market are all on the agenda this weekend. So is a second trip to the Wet Spot tomorrow. I very much enjoyed my visit there last Saturday night. To those of you I haven't replied to, I apologize. As much as I would love to have met everyone who responded, there has just not been enough time. I will be here until next Thursday then I will be winging my way home to Louisiana. I do plan to return for a visit very soon!
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My sister's surgery went very well. For those of you who kept her in your wishes and prayers, my thanks. She is recovering and in a day or two I will be contacting those of you who were kind enough to write. I look forward to meeting you!
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I leave at 5:42pm from Baton Rouge and arrive in Seattle after 11 pm tonight. I look forward to exploring the area as soon as my sister is a little better. To those who have written me, I will be in touch as soon as I can.
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It seems I will be leaving on Feb. 28th (Mardi Gras day) to fly to Seattle for a month to help care for my sister who will be having surgery. I am hoping that during my time there I will be able to visit with an old friend, go to a couple of things at The Wet Spot, and perhaps meet some lifestyle people from the area. If you are from the Seattle/Tacoma area, email me? |
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Happy Valentine's Day to those of you who have found your Significant Other.
To the rest of you -- want to be my Valentine?
*laughing*
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It seems that I may at least be visiting the greater Northwest in a bit. My sister is experiencing some health problems that may require my presence to help take care of her. If this happens, I would very much enjoy meeting others in the lifestyle in the area. Does anyone know of BDSM clubs and play venues in the Seattle area? I'm a long term member of two groups here in Louisiana, so can easily be vetted for entry. If you have any information about that area, please let me know!
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A grammar lesson from the Pet Peeves files:
Gentlemen and Ladies of the Dominant persuasion, please take note:
DominANT is a NOUN, as in "He is a Dominant in the SM lifestyle." or an ADJECTIVE as in "He has a dominant personality."
DominATE is a VERB, as in "He dominates the conversation" or "He likes to dominate the opposition." DominATE is NOT A NOUN. No one is a DominATE, they are a DominANT. Please please please correct your usage accordingly.
Thank you. We now return you to our regularly scheduled posts.
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Blessed Yule! Happy Chanukah! Merry Christmas! Joyous Mithramas! Whatever holidays you celebrate in December each year, may they be the best ever.
Because of being so busy with the holiday preparations and moving my son into his house (finally!), I have been out of touch with those with whom I was corresponding. Please don't give up on me. In another week, things will be back to what passes for normal around here and I will be writing again. Thank you for your patience!
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Happy Thanksgiving! I hope everyone found things to be thankful for this holiday. To me, the important thing is to remember those things everyday.
Once again I find myself apologizing to those who wrote to me. There have been a couple of those emails that momentarily struck me as from people I would like to get to know, but I have been drowning in "things to do."
I need a Master so much. Not just as someone to serve, although that would make me very happy, but as someone who can see through the chaos in my life and help me put some order to it.
It's funny, I am a GREAT organizer -- for someone else. I get myself into binds because I can't say no to friends/family, then end up drowning in too much to do and fail everyone. I can't seem to organize and prioritize for myself. Why is it so easy to do it for someone else, but I fail so miserably at it for me?
Wanting to please is a wonderful trait, but sometimes being that way is detrimental to me.
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To those who would write to me:
1> Please be genuine. Show me the man (or woman) first. We are people first -- engage my mind, intrigue me, show me the person behind the Dominant. Unlike some others, I give courtesy to all who approach me, but respect takes time and knowledge of the person to develop.
2> One-liners are boring. If you can't take the time to write at least a paragraph in an email, why should I take the time to write back with more?
3> Please ask me questions. "Tell me about yourself" is all well and good, but that is a pretty tall order and doesn't let me know what area you wish me to reveal. I know you don't want to get an overwhelming 90 page email detailing everything (and I'm not likely to write one.) It makes more sense to ask a few questions I can answer (and it tells me something about you, as well, if you answer the same ones you ask me.) I can respond in kind and the exchanges will then flow more naturally.
4> Please don't expect immediate replies. I have a job, friends and a life, just as you do. I promise to answer as soon as I can. That doesn't mean I am not submissive, it means I have taken time out of my busy life to concentrate on you and learn more about you. Isn't that a good thing?
5> Please assume I am intelligent, adult, somewhat knowledgeable in the lifestyle (I've been active in it for almost 10 years), and that I am looking for a 24/7 relationship - eventually. Please *don't* assume that I will take every statement you make as law or that I will automatically be submissive to you just because you state you are a Dominant. I'm trusting, but not gullible; loving, but not naive.
6> Please let me know what protocols, if any, you prefer. I call every male "Sir" and every female "Ma'am" because of my training, along with the way I was brought up. If this is not the form of address you prefer, please tell me what is. Please know the title "Master" (of either sex) is reserved for the person whose collar I wear and for no other. In a Leather setting, I follow the protocols of the group.
7> Please know I do not use the double first letters (H/him, H/her, Y/you) or the lowercase "i" or third person "this girl" of the internet BDSM chat rooms because I am a professional writer and believe it to be an affectation. I am always courteous and polite, whether online or in person.
8> Please don't expect me to send nude photos or participate in nude webcam viewing. If you want to see me naked, it will have to be in person with no camera's anywhere around. Until I am owned, any image you get of me will be strictly vanilla (or at least clothed.) While I will have some natural curiosity about your endowment, I'm really not interested in a photo of it. I'd much rather see your eyes and your smile!
I suppose there should be numbers 9 and 10 just to round things out, but that about covers it. Just in case you are wondering, NO, I am not controlling. I just want to save you the trouble of emailing me and not getting a response in return (I know, I'm rude, but I don't answer one-liners and those whose interest lists are obviously incompatable with mine - which tells me they haven't bothered to read mine.) I'm a strong, capable, loving, intelligent woman who is a damned fine submissive, slut and masochist. I'm worth the trouble. |
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I supposed it's time I updated. The ravages of Katrina and Rita are slowly abating. People are finding new homes, new jobs, new ways to carry on. This is a good thing. Coming so close to losing my family during Rita brought things sharply into focus for me -- about what is truly important.
I continue to seek to improve myself with the hope that one day someone will look at me and really SEE what is there. So many of those we encounter in life see only the surface. There is so much more inside worth exploring. A willingness -- no, a NEED -- to be of use, to serve, and to be cared for. Intelligence, laughter, talent, love. All waiting for that someONE.
Samhain was beautiful, surrounded by dear ones. It was a deeply affecting night. I think it has inspired in me a new determination to be part of a Pagan group again. That all the others in circle were also in the BDSM lifestyle only added to the closeness. A BDSM Coven? *laughing* Yes. Why not?
And tomorrow I attend an SCA event with friends. Another new beginning.
Life is good. Except for that one ever-present missing element. One day...please the Gods...one day....
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So many thoughts running through my mind:
About Katrina: friends have lost homes, jobs and belongings. Most are hopeful, but the sense of loss pervades everything around me right now. My town of 8500 has grown by another 1500 in a week. As always, this crisis has brought out the best and the worst in humanity. Being an empath is difficult here right now. I try not to think about what this means not only for my home state, but for the country -- brooding accomplishes nothing. I meditate and do ritual to bring calm to those around me.
The Present: My job has been affected by the very iffy phone service. I still cannot make any LD calls from my landline, and my cell is almost as bad. I am considering taking my sister up on her offer and moving to Seattle. Perhaps a change of scene would be a good thing. She says there are jobs aplenty up there and since my current job goes wherever I go, I would still have something in the meantime. I can do everything from property management to Admin. Assistant to CSR work, so I should be able to find something.
The Future: I continue to be discouraged by the fact that few can look beyond age and body size in their search for a submissive. Those my age or a bit older seem to be looking for someone at least a decade younger. As for body size, I have lost 85 pounds in the past three years, but still have a way to go. How does this affect my ability to be a good submissive? I am active, vital and sexually accomplished, as well as being intelligent, interesting and talented. So, I work on improving myself and hope.
Hope is what I live on. Hope and love.
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To all those who have written me, my sincere thanks for taking the time to approach me -- and my sincere apologies for not having responded. My life has been beyond hectic and while I check my email here often, often I do not manage to get even two lines written in response to those who wrote me.
Please don't be upset with me. I assure you, once things have slowed a bit, I will respond to those who have emailed me. Whether or not friendship or something more is possible, I respect and appreciate your effort in contacting me.
With respect,
kinkypet
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I'm not sure anyone can tell from my profile, but I am active Pagan. I've been Pagan for 30+ years and it's an essential part of who I am. Compassion and connection to the natural world, a belief in magick and our ability to affect change, (anyone seen "What the Bleep do we Know?") teaching, mentoring, all are part of the Me I am.
Recently I've been thinking that I would wish not only a Dominant who sees the abilities and power in me and would wish to possess that, but also one who would want me to be priestess to his priest -- to share the chase and fire of Beltaine, with whom to quietly honor the ancestors in the darkness of Samhain, to greet together the sun on Yule, to find warmth together nestled under winter blankets, and marvel at the stars in a sparkling midsummer night sky. Someone who would see in me not only the slut slave but the Goddess, as I would see in him not only my Master and lover, but the personification of the Gods of old.
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I'm a bit puzzled at the response I get sometimes. There seem to be many out there hungry for a relationship, yet for the most part they are not content to allow a relationship to develop and grow. I can understand why so many of these implode after a year or two -- there seems to be a rush to get into 24/7 before finding out if you are really compatable.
Seems to me, there is more to 24/7 than whether you connect on a sexual level. Yes, that has to be there, too -- but being someone's submissive means I will be his trusted friend, lover and companion, too. At least, in my vision of things.
One cannot wield a whip 24/7, or have sex 24/7 -- there is life to be lived. Jobs, interests, housework, bills, are part of any life. What if the fantasy doesn't include those things?
Like many, I am hoping to find someone to spend the rest of my life with, not a two year relationship that goes south when the passion wanes a bit. Good. Solid. Master/slave, yes, always as the foundation and core of the relationship -- but lovers and friends, too.
Perhaps that's too much to expect.
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It's strange -- I see posts all over the place from male Dominants saying they are tired of the players. And what do I find? Players. Is ANYONE serious about getting to know someone? About taking time to find out who someone is and whether they are compatable? I am either pushed and pushed to commit to someone after two or three emails and a couple of IM conversations, or treated like a sub-human sexual toy who has no brain.
I'm not fodder for someone's jerk-off fantasies. I'm also not going to commit to someone on the basis of three conversations. That would be stupid (and being expected to do so is a sure sign of someone who either has no respect for D/s or M/s - or has no idea what it really means.)
Are there any adult Doms out there? Ones who understand this is a process, not a fantasy?
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2/25/05
A New beginning, it seems. What is it that encourages us to get up when we've fallen? And carry bruises that don't show. Bruises that were not a pleasure to gain. *wry grin*
So onward is the plan. Small steps.
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| Age: 21 |
| Columbia,
South Carolina |
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