kinkybelle

I have had some time to think, to examine my layers if You will. This is what I have discovered.

The outer layer is one called submission. The need to please and to be found pleasing. To offer service to others. To be the peace keeper, the caregiver, the good mother, good daughter, good friend and good employee, a need for self sacrifice for the good of those around me. This is not martyrdom, this is a true need and a true belief that in some small way, I can make the world and lives of others around me a bit better. Its in integral part of who I am. It can not be changed or denied by myself or others. It flows as surely as my own blood.

The second layer, is slavery. For me, slavery is the ultimate show of emotional and mental strength. The complete and utter surrender of will to Another’s desires and needs. To trust Another so deeply that your very breath is only allowed at Their will. It is a spiritual experience. Faith, Love, Trust, Strength tested and pushed. Sometimes the results are utopia…Sometimes the results are pain and loss…floundering,with the only safe haven, the One that caused the chaos in the first place. The strength of the One that can mold you, bend you…build you to this place. It is addictive and extremely erotic to me. And is a need…as surely as my breath sighs in my chest.

The third layer, and one I keep hidden , safely tucked away…is the woman. The woman that has hopes and dreams. Big and small things that make her afraid and give her joy. She is sometimes childish and small. She is sometimes lustful and hungry. She is at once incredibly strong, a force to be acknowledged and as fragile as delicate glass . But always she is vulnerable. This layer is not allowed to intermingle with the submissive or slave, because she interferes, she speaks of needs, she has dreams ,she wants, she loves where she shouldn’t and suffers hurts, when she is weak. And I have yet to learn how to allow her the light and the freedom. I do not seek to alter or destroy this layer, she belongs here as well, the hidden part of me. Surely, solidly in the beat of my heart.

I have accepted my layers, there is peace and balance on most days…most days. But perhaps what I perceive as peace, is only the calm before the storm.