I think I need to clarify something: there is a difference between practice and play in my vocabulary. I am looking to find locals (most interested in females, but will consider that I rarely get interest from them) to PRACTICE skills on.

Very new skills. Potential for some "oops" which you might have to endure. Nothing life-threatening - I do know the safety protocols.

What separates play from practice is the connection I would seek to form with someone I play with - it is unlikely to exist while I am practicing technique. After the technique is good, I cannot even expect to imprint a connection on that same bottom. I can't force that; it happens or it doesn't. 

I seek someone to practice on, first. Someone who can give feedback - more to offer suggestions than to guide the scene toward what is pleasurable for the bottom - and someone who understands that it may only ever be practice, and can accept the reward of helping a new Top find her stride as more important and valuable than them getting off from the impact/rope/etc.

Will I ever find that person? It's more likely I will through my local groups than here, for certain, but I will try to hold on hope. 

There is always the possibility that I can develop a connection to someone who can be a regular practice bottom, enough to make it into something more mutually fulfilling - just try not to set that as your expectation of me. It may not end well, if you do.

Back from MsC and recovering...please have patience while I integrate new pieces into the puzzle.

This is the deal: If I have not gotten back to you lately (maybe it claims I have 'read' your message and just not replied) it may be because I have a life outside of CollarMe.
Classes to attend, both academic and lifestyle-oriented. Speeches to give and essays to write. Books to read. Tests to take. A household to run, on my own.
So the message herein is - if you have patience, it goes a long way. Because when I do have the time, then, you will be first on the priority list. 

P.S. The word "interesting" is a throwaway word for people that do not have original powers of description for what they see and experience. "Beautiful", "sexy", "gorgeous", "hot", and "pretty", are also in the category of throwaway language. Be descriptive or you are at the risk of coming off as unoriginal. 

That is all. 

- I have a feeling that several things need to be restated -
If I want to see a picture of your cock, I will ask for it. Otherwise, don't send it.
If your only contribution in an introduction is "hey" or other one-line approaches, you may be determined unworthy of response.
Flattery gets you nowhere.
If you aren't what I say I'm looking for, in my profile, I may not get back to you immediately. Be patient.
If you don't have a clear picture of your face on your profile, send one. If you are a faceless, nameless individual asking for my attention, you may not get it. 

Also, begging, while cute, is not appropriate as an introduction. Especially with the tone of telling me what I NEED to do to YOU. Not cool.
 

Just to clear things up, I have probably deleted your message if -
*Your primary photo is of you, naked, and/or does not show a clear view of your face.
*You call me Goddess, Princess, Mistress, or whatever, when you are not in an arrangement with me. Some people like it, I don't. Here's why - I treat this process like an interview, to start with, so if you are already calling me Boss before I hire you, I have a problem with that. Chikara, Miss, or ma'am will suffice.
*You do not include a picture of yourself, of your face, most preferably.
*You send me a friend request before a message, or without one.
*Your profile is empty OR inactive [You don't have to write an essay, but if you have been here for longer than a month, and haven't wrote a word in your own defense, what are you saying about your value? If you're here to sell yourself, with hopes of getting a response, you have to say something about yourself. Really.]
*You send a message without proofreading it for errors, or really just cannot tell that you spell that badly, or you blame typos on your keyboard and are too lazy to correct most of them.
*You tell me, right away, what I should do to YOU. That's topping from the bottom, my friends, and although it may work in some places here, I find it unbecoming. And annoying.
*If you include your Yahoo in an introductory message, or worse, your phone number, expecting me to contact you more directly and take that time out when we may not even be right for each other.
*You do not have anything interesting to share that makes me think of you as a person instead of a strange little kinkball that spouts fetishes as their first and only language - I'd like to have a bit more in common with you than just your kink, please.

Movie Night, Act Two - January 1st

Had a refreshing sort of lie-in, considering how sick I felt last night I was amazed I slept so soundly. Woke up to text a few people, and let the dog outside, and then fell back to sleep.

Hours later, in surprisingly warm weather I took a walk to the RedBox, resolving to not have a boring day. I rented the Expendables, which is playing now, and Karate Kid and Iron Man 2. So far the first movie has not much grasped my attention. Hopefully the next one will be an improvement, on that.

Today, I have been seriously considering an online plaything. And wondering where to pencil him in, among the other things I will be doing in the months to come. He will definitely be made a moderately high priority; hope he pans out.

For now, back to movies and cleaning before I have to go to classes, soon, and forget what it means to do housework.

 Chikara

The Eve of... - December 31st

Long day of work this morning and afternoon. Now camming and listening to the Times Square coverage. Kind of don't care too much about the holiday.

I'm not against it, mind, but alone it's hard to celebrate, and the neighbors on either side will be partying late into the night, and setting off firecrackers at odd hours, making me jump or wake up, after I've settled in. They already have, before the ball even dropped. 

Just a bad day to coincide with a raucous holiday, for me. Better luck next year.

Chikara

All Work and No Play - December 30th

OK - Nobody provided me with Christmas, on Christmas. [Granted, I did not send anyone, anything, either, so who's the hypocrite, here?]

Anyway, their gifts are in the process of being made. Too late to qualify as Christmas presents, sadly, but awesome nonetheless. And will be shipped as soon as they are finished. 

So, I did not get gifts, until after the fact, but a few good, practical ones from a lady I work for and her sister and her mother. Delightful bunch. So after all the times I've snubbed Snuggie, I spontaneously get one, along with a deep forest green colored headscarf and a decent-looking purse, from them, as well as sweets and this portable wire cart thing intended for well, I'm not sure what, exactly, but it could be useful. Probably for grocery shopping. And some towel-wrap thing for wet hair. Think that's it. I will have to bake them all cookies to make up for my perpetual broke-ness and lack of generous giftosity.

I hear of impending giftballs from my friends up north, but I have not heard word in days or more, as to when. But I'm not worried. I wasn't able to finish theirs in time, as I said, so the delay is more than alright.

FOR MYSELF - I bought quite a few things that have been lingering on my static Amazon wishlist [to my credit, none here on CM, be they sub or Dom, has the link to my wishlist - I don't do that, sorry] for myself, after hours of deliberation, making sure I was buying things fairly cheap or worthy of my time, or both where applicable.

I came away with eight things [I got paid, why not?] that should ship in several installments in early January. Not that anyone cares, mind, but I felt the need to write, so whatever.

I bought myself a Hitachi, finally, after a lot of thinking about it. My Dom may not be pleased about this, as he wanted to do it, but me and my selfish instant gratification thing. Wouldn't let me pass it up, while I was in the area snooping around and spending. Hopefully it will not upset him much. I can always make up for my impatience, later.

I bought Live to Win, as was cheap and I double-heart Paul Stanley and his sultry-sweet rock-magic vocal stylings. And I can import it into my iTunes for endless repeats. Mmm.

 I bought the Hellbound Heart, for cheap, as my friend has repeatedly suggested that I read it, and insinuates that I write stories with a similar tone as Barker, and that I ought to see it for myself. It will be a welcome respite from homework, to sink into the world that inspired the Hellraiser series of movies. A world more vivid than the movies.

I bought a pack of college-ruled paper in pastel colors. For writing story-stuff on; I have other notebooks for classes, already. I will write a novel next month, if it drives me to absolute madness. In that same vein, I bought two books revolving around the technical aspect of writing, to add on to a set/series that I started collecting, the first, dealing with conflict, action, and suspense, and the second, regarding revision and self-editing.

I considered my entire list before narrowing it down to these, and was proud of myself for budgeting what I had for the splurge. Oh! And I also found a heat-protection spray thing, so I can straighten my hair without damaging it. And I got something for one of the two friends that have impending [homemade, time-consuming] gifts headed their way soon, and might get a duplicate for the other friend, depending. Will see. =p

Three Days - December 29th

Was it really that long ago, twelve months, that I took my first flight across the country, to land in a city I had only ever dreamed of visiting?

Was it really that long ago, eleven months, that I spent a dreary, cold Valentine's Day, on a first date in a historic area, and begun what would be an ill-fated romance?

Was it really that long ago, ten months, that my house was broken into, while I was home, alone, and as a result drove me to be more paranoid and hypervigilant than ever?

Was it really that long ago, nine months, that I began reading the work of fiction that would unlock the secret submissive and Dominant sides, within me?

Was it really that long ago, eight months, that I found a kinkster via AOL chatrooms, that would lead me to create a profile, here? [Who subsequently lost contact with me, go figure]

Was it really that long ago, seven months, that I began a relationship with a quirky, sensually Sadistic Dominant, that would grow to expand my mind and my boundaries, that would allow me to begin to trust again?

Was it really that long ago, six months, that marked a year since the death of an icon, that marked a peak in personal depression, of the failed relationship, and of excitement, of the first D/s one?

Was it really that long ago, five months (almost six), that I took my greatest risk, and jumped on a bus to go and meet up with my Dominant, real-time, someone I had only known by voice and text, before that?

Was it really that long ago, four months, that I lost my virginity to him? =p

Was it really that long ago, three months, that I felt the burning of true loss, having gone a month without seeing him, experiencing his touch?

Was it really that long ago, two months, Halloween, that we three got into an accident on the way back up, for the second time in a month, that thankfully did not cost us our lives? [But maybe, our freedom to see each other]

Was it really that long ago, one month, that in the frenzy of Thanksgiving and shopping for Christmas, I felt so alone, while surrounded by all those people, for want of my Dominant and my friend, both too far to visit?

Was it really that long ago, two weeks, that I wished, more than anything to spend Christmas with those friends than with family, and was instead given coal by Santa?

Will it really be that long, three days, before the new year rolls in, and it starts all over again, only with less action and more homework? No, it will not. It comes too fast, what we do not look forward to.

Chikara

Winter Blues - December 28th

6:22PM

Another dream of nonconsent last night / early this morning. Do not know what to make of it. And rinkless ice-skating to follow, after I pulled my nekkid self out of bed long enough to cover up in layers for the outdoor excursion.

Subway is always a good excuse to tread carefully over ice and snow. It went down easy, almost meltingly. Very delishus. I might journey out again, tomorrow, to see what snow looks like on the beach, before it all melts to slush. Haven't decided yet.

I came home and spent a few minutes tossing snowballs toward the puppy, but my heart was not much in it, so I just spent the rest of the time indoors warming up, surfing the Interwebs and 4chan, and being bored and growing tired.

Still lonely, and would rather sleep than socialize. Another ordinary day in the life...

There For You - December 27th

11:03PM

Lonely, boring day. Most exciting thing to occur was nearly falling in the ice, on the way to pull the trash cans to the street. I suppose it could have been worse, eh?

(Not) Home for the Holidays - December 25th & 26th

9:32PM

26th

Snow should be majestic and appreciated - from a distance. Not viewing it attacking your windshield while trekking through seven hours of slush for a three-hour drive normally, when unhindered by acts of God. Not snow between people that had slid into it, off-road, and were stuck there until help could arrive. It's not beautiful and awe-inspiring when it soaks you to the shins, just getting in and out of the car. And it is not fun when it shuts down any and all food stops on a seven-hour drive on an empty stomach, either. It took enough effort to avoid crashing, that getting home was an activity that resulted in immediate exhaustion, once I passed through the threshold and shed the wet clothes. Not to mention everything was closed, as the region is in a State of Emergency, so food was nearly inedible fare from 7-11, and rest was taken roughly as soon as I found a clean spot on my humble mattress.

And Christmas wasn't Christmas, it was travel to a place with new people and old family, and sleep for being overtired from the initial road trip, and reading for hours before bed to ignore the fact that the mattress was attempting to puncture my lungs.

Merry Christmas. Hope you all had fun.

Lonely at the Top - December 24th

11:31PM

Hello, again... After a long and busy day of being invisible, and then briefly being thrust into a shared spotlight, I have come home.

The tree is not lit. The bulbs rest, unopened, in their plastic casing in which they came. A roll of unused, sealed wrapping paper holds up a wall in a neglected room. There are no presents. There are no carols blaring haplessly out of stereo speakers. There is probably a rerun of the Christmas Story airing continuously on TBS, that I refuse to watch. I have seen it hundreds of times. What I do feel like watching, which I might do, is You've Got Mail. The music alone could soothe me to sleep after a trying day, if I gain nothing else from it.

To make a perfect day EVEN better, I have a lovely sprain twisting the muscle in the back of my thigh, from standing on the edge of a pillar while playing instrumental Christmas carols, at some church I do not even attend, for no real credit, to speak of, and nearly falling off of said pillar after briefly losing my balance, and having to right myself mid-song to compensate and not violently take out the trombonist/conductor.

Merry Christmas, all, and goodnight. See you in the New Year, if I do not recover from this most recent case of the blues in time for more entries in between. Feliz Navidad a todos, y un prospero año, tambien.

Under Pressure - December 23rd

12:37AM

This will probably be a brief entry.

It was just one of those days, you know? The ones where nothing seems to go your way, you're up too late in the day, you're rushing to get a million and one things done before work, you work and cannot stand still for more than five minutes, working hard being such a busy parasite, gnawing away at your mind and your energy, until there's hardly any left over to function. You get home, exhausted, to find something else, another mini-tradegy that has occurred in the drama of your private daily soap opera, and you are pulling at the last loose threads of your sanity to continue on, to the things left unfinished in your day. And you are weary and under pressure. And you don't want to do it anymore.

It has been known to happen, to more than just me. So why does it always feel like the first time it's happening? Why does it drain me so, overwhelm me past the point of caring, and make me want to burrow into a deep, dark hole until the world goes away?

I know it will not go away, but it doesn't hurt to dream, eh? What does hurt, is not being able to sleep for the multitude of thoughts that assault me and do not go away until they are ruminated over and thought of at length, at every conceivable angle, and worried over and rethought and processed and finally, quiet. Precious quiet in my head, as by this time I have finally given in to the biological need to sleep, against the will of my racing thoughts, and I can be at peace. For a little while, anyway.

What does hurt, is not being able to breathe or coherently think when, suddenly, my responsibilities weigh in and start to push down on my lungs, constricting them, reminding me I had better follow through with my commitments, lest I be suffocated by them. Maybe I have taken on too much, or maybe [probably more likely] I am suffering from the inability to be well-suited and adaptable to change. Major change is always brutal, but now, even the slightest thing out of place makes me cringe and crave the stability of a boring life where I would not be needed by anyone, for anything.

But the world does not work that way. So I return to my schedules, my to-do lists, my ever-growing pile of responsibilities without complaint, and try to find new ways to look at it everyday that are less depressing. But it gets overwhelming, sometimes, on days like these. It gets harder to work under the pressure of being so muchly needed.

[So much for brief. Hehe]

Chikara

Subdrop is a bitch.

Yes, I am a Domme, and also a Sub. Not a switch - I do not Domme my Dominant. But how it fucking sucks to be away, sometimes.

/rant