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i like who i am, and i'm not insecure about the sexuality that comes with this personality. being vulnerable, intense passion and sarcastic humor are all risks i enjoy. i don’t feel the need, or want, to compartmentalize my desires in some secret place inside of me where i can keep them from tainting my otherwise 'acceptable' persona. like anyone else, expressing myself freely and having a safe place to exist in the world, without needing to compromise my instincts is the most calming thing i can think of.
because people ask, kakure is a japanese word meaning, 'secret, hidden, crypto', but i'm not hidden or secretive. i have a tendency toward abstraction and can require more deciphering than average, but the word was meant to refer to the unconscious exchange occurring in our relationships and everyday interaction.
about 10 years ago, i began to pursue an intimate understanding of my sexuality, and now many of my personal beliefs linger outside the commonly prescribed rituals and decorum of bdsm as a scene. the idea of using preset rituals and terminology puts me off completely. considering most of the terms are subjective, they are not descriptive or especially useful labels; particularly on a higher echelon when subtleties take on greater meaning.
there are underlying truths relevant to all people and relationships, i don’t want to separate myself from humanity or what many consider vanilla society. whether or not someone is aware of their instinctive nature, does not exclude them from acting on those influences. particularly when the distinction between peoples' humanity is being defined by the equipment they employ during intimate moments.
i don’t believe anyone requires a scene to illustrate what makes them happy, but i don’t deny that it’s a helpful resource if you’re a tremendous pervert or without starting point for your interests. personally, i have an obsession with process and a compulsive need to figure out how everything works.
people make the greatest impression on me with consciousness, intelligence, honesty and reveling in uniqueness. this is much different than trying to impress with what you might consider your best qualities or experience. my values are not typical, and i am very accepting of all people who aren’t self-centered or rude. much of the time, someone’s greatest flaws are intrinsically connected to their strengths. i don’t expect intimate details immediately, just a willingness to move past those boundaries. even if that is ironic, understanding a person and their expectations is the only way i know to fulfill them.
i have a lot of respect for artists and perverts with good manners, but overall, i tend to get along with people who don't quite fit in mainstream society for one reason or another. i am very interested in discussion and hearing your personal philosophies; ethics, what you value most in life, what you are passionate about and inspired by.
in a relationship, i need someone capable of taking equal responsibility, generous, direct, emotionally engaged and affectionate-- there are a lot of things. i am particular, and i want someone equally discerning.
if you just want to talk, i love intelligent conversation, and i'm always interested.
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my responses are going to slow down while i take care of personal things. take care, everyone.
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my inner world is elaborate with a broad spectrum of emotions that i would not entrust to someone without discretion. my capability to commit myself and honor my obligations has never been an issue. i don't respond to questions about my ability to submit. i willingly submit to one person, not the entire world.
questioning someone in this way is intensely rude and hurtful to anyone genuine; i imagine you wouldn't want to get into a debate about your ability to dominate either.
when you're reading about me from this profile and journal, you're on the outside of a huge boundary. one that is necessary for me to live my everyday life with my values intact. inside of that, there are not elaborately constructed barriers or compartments to keep people at a distance. if anything, i'm often much too generous and understanding with people i shouldn't be wasting time and energy on.
currently i am answering to myself, and i don't set aside my manners just because someone else does. on the other hand, if you try to hurt me, i will defend myself.. regardless of my being a slave. i would think that any responsible owner would want their other to be capable of this in their absence.
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hallo nice people.
it's good to know you're still out there being genuine.
P.S. please don’t mind the journal entries here too much, everyone. i am easily annoyed by some people’s lack of vision, but it’s nothing serious. my writing here is fairly isolated. i may be pervy in my everyday life, but that doesn't mean i want every pervert to be a part of it. people are more complicated than assumptions.
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most of the time, i keep my individual experiences to myself, but i occasionally feel obligated to stop behaving that way. when i ignore the events without expressing myself, i allow someone else to experience the same thing i have. while i'm not responsible for anyone else, it bothers me in the same way as pretending there’s nothing wrong.
some dominant personalities feel they have a right to assume that i should be submissive to them, or perhaps meek in general, because i am submissive in a relationship. there is some truth to that mentality-- it is an instinct, but being aware of this trait and using it on someone... you could say i have serious ethical issues with irresponsible use and abuse of power.
just now i received an email from someone who wanted to pose questions at the core of my entire identity based on 'contradictions' i make in my profile. first off, a person with no contradictions doesn't even exist, and i would be seriously impressed if someone's profile was able to define their personality.
i hope questioning yourself is a normal human experience-- in my life it’s just necessary and has nothing to do with weakness. actually, my ability to question myself is where a lot of my self-confidence comes from.
after many experiences playing out almost -exactly- the same way, i've learned not to be so affected by this tactic.. but it's sad to know this person will go off and impose the same thing on someone who hasn't experienced it yet. this person acting out is irrelevant, but the scenario most often starts off with the attitude they are 'just' offering their casual opinion, and despite this off-handed tone, it leads into a subtle attack on what's been expressed freely. generally, the approach has mixed messages and kind of an intellectual facade, which is how i got tricked into this in the first place. i thought these people were random assholes, but there seems to be a pattern to this particular brand. now i just consider this the most poseur way to dominate someone i can think of. some of these types are very subtle in imposing themselves, but i tend to think they’re not nearly so smart as they are self-centered.
preying on the human condition is sad. i can't see any point in this approach except manipulating someone with degradation-- to me its the mark of insecurity and potential abuse.. but i also think dehumanization is gross.
P.S. speaking of games, lately there are 'submissive females' and 'couples' who want to introduce you to 'mystery dominants' in your area.. highly questionable people who want your offsite email address and whatnot.
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it is really difficult to communicate one's submissive side when horny, rude people require you to keep your defenses up all the time.
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i haven't been feeling well, and i would appreciate some inspiration. it would really impress me to be introduced to people just behaving as themselves-- all the usual adjectives are getting pretty old. when everyone uses the same narrow language, it doesn't offer much information about the person.
being genuine about demands and being an asshole are different things entirely. one is actually attractive and reflects self-confidence, while the other looks insecure and desperate.
i have a very good memory. if all you've changed is your profile, i'm not going to forget you for lacking manners. i'm sorry to everyone who does know how to behave politely; i'm sure it is very annoying to read the text of frustrated submissive types.
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arguing about subjective topics is irrational because everyone is correct- for themselves. not everyone lives in exactly the same reality. all of us want our own version of happiness, which seems perfectly resonable to me. apparently, some of us weren't raised with the manners to be respectful of each other's differences-- so this is clear, it's rude to belittle someone because they don't share your opinion.
in my small corner of the universe, the point of a relationship is to find someone who shares perspective with you, along with a common value structure. otherwise, there are going to be arguments about intent and misunderstanding. my opinion is, in a successful relationship, all parties are looking for this same thing. a match to what you feel inside another compatible person.
my motivation is to submit to someone i love. for me, this isn't a conscious choice. it seems many others don't operate that way.
so yes, it feels strange that other people don't feel the way i do, but i'm an adult, which makes it my personal responsibility to get over it.
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more progress and more profile. the constant is change.
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behind on email and seriously tired.
looks like break time again.
see you at some point.. |
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for those who have asked where i'm going: i'm retiring the text below from my profile because it was not written at one of the best times in my life, and i've made a lot of progress since then. for me it's doesn't feel like a positive reminder, so i'm sick of looking at it. though, i'm leaving here instead of a complete deletion because of its truth. besides, i'm working on my emotional availability. change is good, but i'm still a product of these experiences.
..........
many people in the BDSM scene name equipment and role playing scenarios when asked about their interests. i can't do that. what i like is an emotion that exists within a sexual context, but outside of it as well.
i am familiar with people that share some of my interests, but not my ideals. since i have always been myself, i find this hard to explain. i am not, nor have i ever been, an independent person. it was never important to me to seek out what society states as "normal personal freedoms". i've never felt like less of a person for being this way. the only difficult part has been in finding my purpose as an individual.
i believe in unconditional love. i am not willing to say, "i don't love you enough to do ____."
being controlled physically and emotionally is comforting to me.
there are times when i have wanted to give up on the idea of living this lifestyle, but i would be abandoning myself in favor of convenience.
in all, i view myself as 1/2 of an unconditional relationship.
last year, i left the place i lived in my whole life and severed the majority of my connections there. i felt that i had been conditioned into a certain way of thinking-- one that was proving extremely unhealthy for me, and the only way i could break from it was to try something completely different.
right now, i'm in the process of rebuilding my life without those influences. i think i will always consider myself a work in progress, but as long as i continue to evolve, i'm perfectly content with that.
i am also not quite mainstream.. i'm not interested in being part of a scene any longer, but i also haven't lost the influences various subcultures have had on me.
in general, i think i'm a very open person, but i am also not completely naive.
still, it is not enough to say i want a relationship with someone who shares my ideals. i am attracted to people who have the honesty and courage to be themselves-- to me those are the qualities that set a person apart.
i want to share my life with someone i can admire-- who is willing to lead by example.. maintaining a positive outlook on the world and humanity has been a huge factor in my own progress, and as a result- my partner's attitude, successes, emotional expression, manners, philosophies and understanding of life and people are very important to me also.
all things considered, i am still very traditional in some ways and manners are very important to me-- table manners, social conduct-- dressing with care and appropriateness for the occasion.
i feel more comfortable with intellectually driven people- but whether they are formally educated or experienced by living doesn't matter to me. mostly i enjoy good conversation and appreciate people that can contribute their knowledge or a new perspective.
i like to adventure with my partner, as well as friends, to inspire us and give us things to talk about. i tend to prefer cultural to expensive. art galleries, museums, theater, cultural districts, dinners, movies, music events [clubs and concerts], parks, gardens, etc.
i would like the option to collaborate on creative projects. we don't have to share the same creative interests- this is one way that i am the most independent, but i feel that i am more compatible with this personality.
though i respect the concept of a poly lifestyle, i am not interested in pursuing one for myself.
i am only looking for Dominant Males for 24/7 power exchange. personally, i don't believe one can truly exchange power on a part-time basis. though i hesitate to make generalizations, i would prefer someone around my own age.
other than that, you're especially welcome to email me if you just feel like having a conversation. i am very interested in sharing thoughts and ideas with all those who are looking for something more out of domination, or submission, than just fantasy and sex. |
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to those whose emails i have not responded to, i apologize. i'm feeling a bit tired of this website at the moment because i end up spending a lot of my effort trying to reply to everything out of my obligation to be polite. the process makes socializing the less enjoyable part, when i find myself wading through the marketing emails detailing a person's years of experience and the upselling of what they have to offer. it's understandable, but it also feels very ingenuine to introduce yourself to someone in that way. i would never think to go up to someone in a social setting and list my years of experience and soforth. it's, like an AA meeting for the bdsm scene around here.. i'm a human being. i happen to be a submissive one. this pretty clear already, which is more than you get in most of life's exchanges. i wish people would just accept that the relationship part is mostly understood for the moment and focus on getting to know a person ~to see if you're even interested in them as a person~ before engaging in the details of their intimate sexuality.
as for my romantic interest, even in everyday life, it is a pretty rare thing that i'm even attracted to anyone and not something i expect to find online. it takes a long time, ~in life~ to get to know someone and trust them as much as intimate relationships require. besides, i have very peculiar taste in people anyway. what i am trying to clarify is, for me, that's not really the point in being here. it's more of an attempt at meeting like-minded people, and i'm available only for friendly conversation.
any other types of advances are going to be ignored. it's nothing personal. |
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i'm back, sort of. it's going to take me awhile to get through email.
i'm working on it..
tired. |
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i'm going to be offline for a bit while i'm moving and stuff. cheers to all. |
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life is busy for me right now-- lots of things to get settled, but i'm happy to make the effort. a fantastic couple of days have left me feeling really positive about the direction i'm moving in. this week has been a busy one, and i expect more of the same for awhile..
today, i tried to catch up on email.. found myself wondering if people out there take my journal posts too seriously-- sometimes they are thoughtful, others sarcastic, etc, etc.. my sense of humor is a little strange, but i swear i have one.
at times, correspondence here can be weird. an example being, i've gone completely out of my way to cheer someone up and ended up in an argument for no definable reason. this sort of thing doesn't seem logical to me, but it's also not comfortable for me to tell a person what they are feeling is wrong. if i don't laugh it off, it would probably hurt my feelings, which doesn't seem very productive either.
more than once, i've wished comments were made publicly on these journals. without them there is little context for what i have to say. obviously, i'm conversing with a different group of people than anyone else on this site and my opinions and responses are going to vary accordingly.
though i keep repeating this statement, i'm going to do it again..
good and bad, without tone or personality behind the content, it's easy to jump to conclusions. i have been messenger and recipient to more than one misunderstanding.
there's no animosity applied in any of these comments-- just capturing my random thoughts. i enjoy the whole of my correspondence here or i wouldn't stick around.
happy friday everyone. have a fabulous weekend.
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i like this place. it makes me feel less neurotic. |
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FYI, a common definition of passive-aggressive behavior:
"Someone who is passive-aggressive will typically not confront others directly about problems, but instead will attempt to undermine their confidence or their success through comments and actions which, if challenged, can be explained away innocently so as not to place blame on the passive-aggressive person."
-from Wikipedia
this is a special issue with me. i don't like this behavior too much, it makes me cranky.
flaws are entirely reasonable, but progress is essential. so, it's a good day.. continuously learning here. |
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it disturbs me to see my journals appearing so grumpy. it's not like me at all.
on one hand, i am overwhelmed with the frustration of.. life. on the other, i have met quite a few wonderful human beings lately. people that are so striking, they make me want to revoke every moment my hope in humanity has been lost.
i'm sure i started out with so much more to write, but now my mind is drifting off somwhere far away. i suppose that's alright. this is what's most significant. |
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"I am looking much more for docility as opposed to intelligence."
this sort of thing makes me sad and embarassed to be associated with this community. can a person who states this even define the difference between victimization and domination?
personally, i am here to make a contribution to society and am just as capable of devotion as i am intellectual. in fact, this is such an obvious reality, i should not even need to mention it.
if someone is intimidated by intelligence, it makes me think that they are satisfied with what they know in life and are content to stagnate in front of their television without further evolution and would hinder someone in their care from making progress.
if you do believe intellect and obedience to be mutually exclusive, or in chosing a mate don't have more respect for yourself as a human being than to attempt what challenges you, please spend some time on yourself before you do victimize someone. i beg you, do not take responsibility for a living entity.
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while i appreciate the concern for my status/happiness/etc., i will state upfront-- i am here to converse with my friends and am not in any hurry to enter into a relationship.
reason being..
in my lifetime, i have met few who exhibit any sense of honor, and none with the ability to maintain the illusion of it for very long.
maintaining ethics, rather than merely claiming them, ranks in my highest values. personally, i regard any kind of contradiction in this arena as lying to oneself, and not in the realm of character i even want to associate with.
for those who may ask, it's unlikely that someone will prove this false via email, and i am unwilling to relocate without long term evidence of character.
professing the desire for responsibility of another is generally in direct conflict with ignorance handling emotional situations. so, if you're going to send me a message, please attempt a more compassionate point to relate with me on than a recent disappointment. there are many intellectual topics i am far more receptive to, and i especially appreciate people with exceptional manners. |
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in these last days, i have met someone exceptional. i am deeply moved. i cannot bring myself to consider devoting myself to another person in the world.
please understand that i am only interested in pursuing friendly conversation at this point.
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i'm sorry i haven't been able to respond to all my email. lately, when i haven't been busy, i've been exhausted. i promise to catch up soon.
now, i'm going to have a nice long nap.
happy new year! |
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