Sat down to have a talk with the Alpha and discussed things, realized things went a bit too quickly and honestly on His part there was just nothing there, so while i am back on the market so to speak, He apparently still intends to monitor and mentor to help me find someone that does work. I'm freely available to talk and whatnot so feel free to message, but dont expect me to hop the next transport to you just yet -laughs- 

As to the mess on my profile at the mo.... We are Renovating, please excuse the mess :P Under Construction and all that Jazz .... yuk yuk :P:P

please even if someone local can just drop me off at like 1 am id be appreciative

i seriously need some help if anyone in san antionio tx area can help,... need a ride to greyhound so i can catch my bus at 7am please someone , i wouldnt normally ask but my ride bailed

out of smokes gonna go nuts idk what to do

about ready to give up on eating for a while

bored and lonely here in san antonio no one to hang with

in the mood to serve, and actually able to do so tonight any Masters feel like talking

i sit and stare emptily into space, alone and bored with no end in sight, hoping in my heart the One that speaks to my very soul is out there somewhere.

half tempted to offer myself in exchange for a ride to a food pantry. degrading? yes.

new naughty pic in girls profile for the pleasure of the Masters

does anyone know where theres a food bank in san antonio? Stuck in a motel room atm and trying to find a way to get some food.

Acheing for that one Master that speaks to my heart, my mind, my spirit and soul. Is He out there?

Aching for a strong pair of arms to sleep in tonight

Well crisis averted for another week thanks to the kindness of a local member of the scene. Now to figure out what to do from there. At least it gives this kajira more time to think and prioritize what she wants in an Owner without running to someone willy nilly. She wants a strong Master who can keep her in check, but not cruel or too harsh, she wants a gentle hand that is strong when needed but also a guiding hand. A shoulder to cry on is a nice add on too, and someone willing to hold her through the tough times and make everything seem like it will be ok.  Maybe this girl seeks too much, but one can always hold out hope.

less than 20 hours before im on the street, i cant seem to find anyone local to help those that promise disappear

well the clock has run down to the final 24 hours .... i guess i really am out of luck

if there is anyone LOCAL please contact me the situation is really going downhill . if anyone is near san antonio please please talk to me i dont know what else to do ive tried every other outlet

countdown is really getting close, everyone that promises to help suddenly disappears  im out of time and have no out still. getting sick with worry im out of time.

you really think its cool to judge someone without knowing the whole story of how they got into a mess? Do not judge me, it is not my fault that ive been lied to and mislead so stop acting like i asked for it!

Is this the way my life must be?
As all turn and walk away from me?
can i ever find that for which i yearn?
or am i doomed to watch my life crash and burn,
around me like so many twigs of a tree
people look but do not see.
an empty heart an empty life,
filled with naught but pain and strife.

am i the only one that finds Godsmack's Voodoo a perfect song to dance to? the rythm is sultry and can make for some interesting kajira dances, thoughts?

While the heart calls,

a single tear falls,

I feel the ache,

as i feel my heart break.

sitting in this mental tomb

no one looks up as i scream  in the crowded room.

alones, unwanted, scared.

can i ever find one that truly cared?

really starting to lose hope and give up, doesnt look like anyone cares about people anymore

this keeps getting worse, now hes decided if i dont have a place by tomorrow hes having me police escorted out. ugh this sucks ill never find a place that fast.

Still hoping and praying to find the right One, someone to make this girls life complete. to make her heart and spirit soar. 

ok so this ass of a so called Dom wastes half my night saying hes cool with my reservations on some of the stuff he likes and agreed to a compromise, 4 hours later the dickwad flipflops and takes the compromise away breaking his promise and showing his true colors. If youre gonna lie to me and break your promises fuck you i dont have time for your fucking shit. Be real or get lost i dont have time for thes mindgames if you promise something dont think you can just manipulate me and take it back without me saying hell no and walking away, yes im in a bad place right now but im not so desperate that i will accept a mentally abusive Dom just to keep myself in a house!!!!!

everyone wants to get my hopes up jusst to stop talkin or play pretend. be real or go away

would anyone really care if i put a bullet in my head or a blade in my arm just so i dont have to hurt and suffer anymore? would it even matter? would anyone even give a damn?

it just keeps getting worse to the point i dont know where to turn or who to trust

desperate for any help i dont know this city and im stuck in a bad spot i need help bad

Sick as a dog from stress and nerves wondering what im gonna do how im gonna get out of this mess.

seriously feel like curling into a hole and dying right now

how do i keep getting in these messes? im stuck in san antonio with noplace to go and no hope of finding anywhere.

She sat staring at the monitor, the cool breeze from the window and fan buffeting her nude frame, long cocoa mane rippling in the wind, her bluegreen eyes stared emptily before her as she heaved a heavy sigh, wondering if ever her happily ever after would come. 

She sat dreaming of the day when He would call to her. When He would make her heart sing with joy, and love, and passion for only Him.

A few clicks of the mouse as she chewed one full pouting lip, heart sinking as once more the page read "no new messages" 

Would she ever find someone who could look past her exterior into her mind and heart?

She hung her head and wept as she closed the window, snapping the laptop closed and curling into a fetal ball, feeling the lonliness and yearning wash over her as she resigned herself to yet another day alone.

OK TIME FOR A RANT!

listen up assholes, this is for the dumbasses from out of the country that insist on hititng on me... LEARN TO READ A GODDAMN PROFILE ASSHOLE!

I will NOT relocate out of the country so dont bother sheesh!

This has been a public service announcement from the Bitchy slut coalition against dumbasses who cant read.

Thank you for flying Bitch Airlines

Have a nice day and dont let the door hit you where the good lord split you!

The days seem to blur at a fast never ending rate.

My head spins and thoughts rush to mind, by every little thing that reminds me of you passes by. 

I feel stuck...
Lost in a world I do not know no more.

Where to go?
Where to turn?
Who to seek?

Should I go to you?
Is that where my answer is?

Or is it the other way..

Apart of me screams out in agony for you.

Another stays locked in fear, with a wall to shield it..

The pain that continues to grow in me everyday is causing a damage that cannot be replaced..

A night ago..
I tried something, that I know you would of not approved of..

The feeling of it..
The high..
Was like being with you again.
I felt on top of the world, laughing, giggling. jumping for joy for no apparent reason.

But the after effect....
Left me on the ground, crumbled, lost hurting in agony.

Tears came to my eyes as I laid on the cold harsh floor.

Nothing was there.

No warmth, no secure.. 
No life..

When I see you pain strikes like a bullet hitting the heart..

Easy is not the word for this.

Agony is more like it.

When I see the wild young boys chase after you.

It wounds me, for I know slowly you give in..

Wishing for that love again..

But I am so far out..

Lost from where you pushed me.

Searching once again, what was found, is now lost.

Struggling everyday to smile is getting harder to do..

I am losing myself.
losing the light again.

The darkness has clung to me.

The demon that was tamed is creeping under my skin, through my veins.

Feeding anger, power, hatred.

Enraging violence in me.
That I wish was not there.

Where are you?

Where am I?

The love we had?

Why do I feel so torn from it?

Why lost now?

No love found.. No healing..

The feeling of that happiness clings to me..

Should I go for the drug to ease the pain again?
Oh the feeling was promising..

Or do I let the pain grow..

I do not know?

But one question remains..

Why god, why god?

Why have you forsaken me again.

A friend of mine said this a long time ago and I felt it to be one of the truest things I ever read. So I am sharing it with you.

"A kajira's body is nothing more than the support system for her heart, abuse the body then the heart fades and takes the body with it.  Nurture the mind, learn to control it, to own it, and the heart follows, bringing with it the body. 
Once a true Master has held a sweet kajira’s heart in His arms, no free woman can compare. The kajira, if her heart is true, will open up like a spring blossom, a free woman cannot release herself as a kajira can, for if she does she becomes what she fears most….a slave. 
A kajira’s pride is her beauty.  Her beauty is her pride.  It is the only thing she owns, and even that belongs to her Master. If a kajira cannot find the pride in her beauty, she cannot please her Master.  If she cannot please her Master, how can she remain in his collar? 
The love of a kajira is the sweetest of loves a woman can give to a Man. It is a complete love, from the slave heart and from the slave belly. It can smolder all day, and when the Master comes home, it can burst into a flame so bright it will sear the eyes. 

In this world a girl must be many things, a lover, a friend, a listener, sometimes a mother and caretaker, if she has a job she must also be a breadwinner.

But when the day is over and the nuances of outside world are through she slips out of the skins and costumes she wears to the outside public to be simply the joyus slave within, His slut, His precious toy. To be who she truly is within. No masks, no disguises, no facades, just merely her wonderful self using all her wits and wiles to please the One who holds her leash.

What is a kajira Really?

Ever felt like you tried so hard for someone, did so much, only to be thrown away like yesterdays news? -sighs-

Added new pix and now some new thoughts and Holiday wishes for everyone. May the love and joy of the season find you and yours

Why do i even bother sometimes? Im running out of hope

i found this poem and it truly speaks what my heart yearns to hear

"Kneel for me, my slave. Surrender to me your heart, your mind, your body -- as my toy, my pleasure my purpose. 
Bow your head, my slave. Give me your dignity. Crawl for me. Loathe me and love me for making you what you were meant to be. 
Bare your ass for me, my slave. Trust in me completely. Through your pain,I will help you find your true purpose,the reason you exist. 
Show me your tears, my slave. Open your heart. Let me love you,hold you,keep you safe, -- bind your hands and free your soul, give you strength and help you find in yourself, the beauty I see when I look at you." 

Sometimes  I just want to close my eyes, spread my arms out, and fall back off a cliff, and see who in my life cares enough to reach out and grab my hand.

I hate being invisable. feels like no one cares half the time. tired of looking for what i wont find

All alone,

no one cares,

No one looks,

no one dares.

All alone in this world i sit,

wondering whether or not i ever will fit,

anywhere in this twisted plane of life.

or will it always be this constant pain and strife?

Misery is my companion , my friend,

still i wonder, will it ever end?

Will i find a place in someones heart?

Will the life i yearn for ever truly start?

in so much of a pickle im so confused. i hate when i wind up stuck. i dont know where to turn for help..

Ok for the record, i could really give a damn about how i look to others. if you cant look beyond the flesh and into the heart and soul i dont want anything to do with you. I am far more than a pair of tits and a pussy. Yes I am a slave, but I am still a person with feelings and thoughts. Becoming a slave does not mean one turns ones brain off and is a total puppet and dummy. I am who I am. If you don't like it, don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya.

so sick of being strung along. arent there any real men out there?

Where is my Angel of Music? I admit it i am hopelessly in love with Erik the Phantom of the Opera. Pathetic? perhaps, but how can a girl resist someoen so strong, so dark, so mysterious, so Dominant. He makes my entire body quiver eagerly wishing he was real, to feel his touch....

So cold and restless. Our heat went out day before yesterday and we wont have any heat til monday. -whimpers- Hoping i can survive this bitter freezing cold. Only 2 more days to go but Im already getting sick :(

ok guys listen for the record im not here to be any asshole Dom's milk cow, or to be treated like a worthless sack of shit so if any of you have those ideas in your fucking head you can sit on it and spin and get the fuck off my list. end of discussion.

Why am i always so afraid when a Master approaches me? i tremble even though its only an email and get so nervous i cant think of anything intelligent to say to Them.  Am i a bad slave ? am i crazy? what is wrong with me?

I am a lover, I am a cuddler, I am probably one of the most annoyingly affectionate sluts out there. I can't go a day without cuddling up into the arms of my Owner when I am owned. Maybe I'm clingy, but hey at least I'm attentive and willing. Honestly I'm the sort of girl that as long as I know my Owner loves and needs me, I'll be happy to do about anything for Him.  But men sometimes intimidate me to the point where i cant even speak. my last MASter the first time i met him face to face all i could do was stare at my feet and when He spoke to me i would open my mouth but only thing that would come out was a high pitched squeak for the longest time. I would be standing there trying to say something in return but i couldnt make my voice work. I have no idea why this is and wish i knew why this was.

About dang time, ive had a broken video greeting for over a year -lol- and someone FINALLY told me how to take it down lol about dang time!

interesting, i was told today that my face is unattractive because i supposedly have a masculine jaw and face, opinions?

Today i was just asked "what is a kajira"

My response was to give a technical interpretation of my own, it is most likely full of errors but she thought she would share it with everyone anyway. Bear in mind girl is on painkillers so her brain kind of jumbled the information a bit and she was explaining Gor to a vanilla so... here goes.

ok wierd... have you ever had a moment when things were going fine then suddenly your computer just decides to say FU! ?

Your smile is like the sunshine warming my day.
Your the first and last thing that makes me feel this way.
Your hugs started as a pat on my back, but now I can feel that they’re more then that.
Time will keep ticking, and we will grow old, but your hand in mine will never get cold.

I am so sick of Masters barely looking at me and treating me as if i fell out of the ugly tree hitting every branch on my way to the ground

OK for the record i just realized that if i can sit here and take the agony of severe unending toothpain i can handle any kind of pain. MY threshhold is apparently higher than i thought it was. Have you ever been in so much pain you felt like throwing up?

Just woke up from the strangest dream, i was on a ship, a pirates captive, i can't remember the details too well but i remember the way i felt, oh so perfect, so hot, so ALIVE! I didnt want the dream to end.....

Who am I really? I am a very loving gentle caring person with a huge heart and strong babygirl tendancies though I've had extensive kajira training and also kittygirl training. I have secret desires though i admit i've been too afraid to act on them. For years i was too afraid to let someone use anything but the lightest of floggers on me, now i find myself growing juicy at the thought of being manhandled and used roughly, though I know deep down it would take a special Man to assuage my fears and let the true slut within me come out and shine like the jewel i know is hidden within. A man with patience and an understanding heart, who truly wants to help me grow and be the girl i can be. I know it is in me to be a good slave. I just need help in becoming the best i can be. I don't know where to turn or how to start on my own. I hate feeling lost. If He is out there, I hope He reads this and realizes that this is the girl He has been seeking, a girl He knows will blossom under His tender cultivation.

Never again will I allow some Dominant man to convince me that what i desire has no value. I've failed in so many relationships because of the simple fact that though i am NOT into the poly thing, i have allowed Doms to tell me that i should have no opinion of this and accept it whether i like it or not. Them they try to make me feel bad about saying no or walking away. From now on its plain and simple, yes im a slave but no, poly holds no appeal to me unless its a VERY special pair or very small group. I don't like feeling lost amidst a large crowd or feeling left out. Feeling like i am not enough. Comments are welcome but please .. keep it positive.

Feeling very alone and depressed. Craving a good flogging and a strong pair of arms to curl into. I just need someone to hold me while i cry.

Well I'm back in Illinois due to some bad choices I made with the last relationship I went into. True things are a bit rocky at the moment but I'm stronger for it. To those who would greif me or bug me etc. please just leave me alone. Let me get on with my life and you get on with yours. Basicly i'll ignore that you exist and you ignore me. Flat out.

I can and will stand firm right here where I've been for nearly 8 years and nothign or nobody is going to run me off. End of story.

Anyone that wishes to talk to me and discuss this is free to add me on Y@-h00

under the name jubilee_sparks

Yes I made some poor choices and i openly admit it. I screwed up.  And I will deal with it myself.
All POSITIVE comments welcome xoxoxoxoxoxo

Oy everyone that promises to help me suddenly disappears. I dont have time for games people i seriously don't. I wasn't joking when I said I was in dire need. If you're just going to play around with me just to get your jollies go to hell. I need someone serious.

Lonely and depressed. if anyone wants to talk add me on y @ h 00 . jubilee_sparks

LOOK how the pale queen of the silent night

Doth cause the ocean to attend upon her,

And he, as long as she is in his sight,

With her full tide is ready her to honor.

But when the silver waggon of the moon

Is mounted up so high he cannot follow,

The sea calls home his crystal waves to moan,

And with low ebb doth manifest his sorrow.

So you that are the sovereign of my heart

Have all my joys attending on your will;

My joys low-ebbing when you do depart,

When you return their tide my heart doth fill.

So as you come and as you do depart,

Joys ebb and flow within my tender heart.

 The cookie monster smelled crumbs on my laptop and has chased me into my closet..Please somebody help me! My laptop is going dead and it's getting dark!

Why must one live,
A life of sorrow.
When one feels,
There is no tomorrow…

Cannot there be,
A better way.
To pass the time,
Of each day…

Just to smile,
Seems to be,
The hardest thing,
For me…

Somehow,
My life,
Has come to mean,
So little to me…

Wish that I could be happy.
Wish that I could see.
What in my life is worth living,
That, I cannot see…

Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A. They're married.

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.

Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.

Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.

Q. Why did the man cross the road?
A. He heard the chicken was a slut.

Q. Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A. They don't have time.

Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. They don't stop and ask for directions.

Q. What do men and sperm have in common?
A. They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.

Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A. The bonds mature.

Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.

Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don't know; it has never happened.

Q. What do they call a woman who works as hard as a man?
A. Lazy

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."

A tear tumbles,

as my world crumbles,

and you turn away,

Though i beg and plead,

you will not heed,

my cries for you to stay.

For as long as i remember,

back to that distant december,

i have loved you with my heart,

but now oh so suddenly tonight,

i can't make it seem right,

as we are ripped far apart.

I will not cry,

I will not die,

for you must go your own way,

and i must go mine.

I am grateful for what times we've had.

Both the good and the bad.

And as a tear rolls from my eye,

i smile a sad smile,

You know you can be content with your life and yet be depressed when certain holidays come around. i dont mind spending valentines day with my parents but i wish i had someone else to spend it with in real life. Lonliness eats you up from the inside out until there's nothing left but a hollow shell of what once was...

A Slave's Chalkboard Lessons 3 Comments

i will not carve the flogger handles

i will not aim for Master's head

i will not yell fire every time Master lights a candle

funny noises are not funny

i will not slap Master with my bra

Punishment is not boring or pointless

i will not call Master, Dr. Death

i will not put laxatives in the candy bowl before Master's d/s party

a burp is not an appropriate response to Master

i will not eat all Master's m & m's while he is at work

i will not call Master, spud head, butt head, or any kind of head

Masters ARE perfect

Mud is not an acceptable side dish for dinner for Master

i will NOT wear panties

i will not peek out of the blindfold

there is no such thing as "slave immunity"

i did not win an emmy for my last session

i will not hide all Master's toys

i will not say "oh Master you're the bestest and biggest" just to get a spanking

i can not fire Master

my last assignment was not stolen by one armed net hackers

i will not scare the newbies by telling them ALL REAL subs like bullwhips

i will not perform breast implant surgery on the newbies

i will refrain from saying "hail Satan "when i don't like Master's orders

i will not use Master's bondage table for a skateboard ramp or a slide in the pool

i will not wear Master's underwear on my head

I will not hold up a scorecard for each swat, grading Master on a scale of 1-10.

.....and last but not least

i will not use the pages from Master's Dom Handbook to start the grill....

Waiting in the darkness, Had it been minutes? Or possibly hours? Lisette didn't know how long it had been since her captor had left the room, leaving her bound and gagged to the wooden cross. Suddenly the door opened, a thin beam of light shone into the room before the lights once more flared to life, bathing the stone room in a soft glow. Her Tormentor returned, bearing a plastic dish with two deep depressions, one filled with water, the other with some kind of meat, which he set on the floor.

Finally, apparently having had enough, he grabbed her by the hair, wrenching her head back so that her face was inches from his, his deep green eyes bored not only into her eyes, but it seemed into her soul as well. He firmly held her there, grabbing a handful of the meat from the bowl. She attempted to keep her jaw locked shut, but he appeared ready for this resistance.

"Good girl," he said, releasing her hair once the bowl was empty.

Lisette eyed him warily, moving as if to stand, but was rebuked with a sharp word, "No, crawl to Me, slut," His tone was firm, but not cruel. Lisette looked around feeling lower than low, face burning with the heat of humiliation as she slowly crept across the stone floor, feeling the icy rough face of the stones digging into her tender naked flesh as she moved. "Kneel here," he pointed to his righthand side. Not knowing what else to do, Lisette obeyed, although her concious mind was humiliated and disturbed by this treatment, a small part of her brain, a part she had never known before, seemed to relish it. "What's happening to me?" she thought franticly to herself, as though a natural instinct was taking over for her. She realized that deep down she knew what this man wanted, what he meant for her to become. She had heard stories of such men for some time but had never expected to fall victim to one.

TBC...

She woke suddenly, glancing around, and reaching to rub the sand from her eyes. But as she moved her arm she found that it would not budge more than a couple of inches, turning her head she saw that she was bound tight. Bluegreen eyes surveyed her surroundings, she was bound inside some sort of metal cage. Her long auburn curls spilling about creamy shoulders, full crimson lips pressed firmly together as she tried to figure out what had happened to her. A door banged open, but she could not see from where. The next thing Lisette knew, she was being unfastened from inside the cage by what seemed to be a series of levers and knobs on the outside, the top of the cage opened and a hand descended, twining thick muscular fingers into her silky hair and jerking her from her reclining position and out onto the floor where she was thrown not too kindly to the cement. A wide strip of black fabric was quickly fastened around her eyes, before she could even see the face of her abductor. A fearful whimper rolled from her throat as she felt herself dragged across the room and fastened securely with her back against a hard wooden structure.

"Who are you? What do you want?" She cried out, hoping to make sense of this.

She inhaled sharply at this, squirming lightly, only to be met with a deep gutteral growl, "Do not move," as he continued His assessment, sliding his hand down the smooth flat surface of her belly, caressing the smooth shaven mound of her sex, around to slide across her rounded buttocks. The hands stopped their Assessment suddenly, releasing her hair. The man wordlessly exited her line of vision. The lights flicked off and the door closed, leaving her bound and gagged to worry and fret about what would come next, and what would become of her.