Hello, Sleep dep is bad. pulling a 24 due to two days ago going to bed at 7:am and now my biological clock is mixing up morning and night so staying up for the right time.
I am so happy I got two Doms and a stronger Sub then I as online friends here, and so happy my Dom/Husband has approved of me be friending another male Dom, granted under his watchful eye which is nice when you consider how submissive I can be. Even against better judgment I often obey when one is considered a dom over me which leads me to falling on my face.
Medifors are our friends. This is sweet. I don't have to use facebook as my blog. Granted some info on this might be crazy after a bit but it me. ok sleep dep is really fucking my thought prosses in fact simple spelling is out of the question. lol even spellcheck is like what the hell is this shit, lol.there should be a way of getting spell check to have a sleep dep mode. lol. especially, holy shit I spelled it right and it's a big word, especially when I like typing endlessly with sleep dep and then later own getting back on and reading my sleep dep journal. I hope there is a way to delete Journal entries, cause sometimes these can be really stupit and sometimes make no sense at all.
Oh shit what kind of crap are they forcing kids to watch. Annoying Orange is on. hold on not up for talking fruits. ok Now,... Shit I am kind of fucked it is 10:47 am and have no adio stimulus fuck. think oh yeah CNN. Never mind, maybe it is best I sleep soon and just force myself to sleep longer.
oh no, I have to call the damn court house in Germany, they better have a translater on stand by Monday or deal with broken German. why the hell my father did not even leave a Will in any form sucks. Well, I've put off calling them for about a week or so. So I better call Monday, hope they can receive a Skype call and that the money on the account is enough. Hell fuck that I'll just call my brother instead. he's pissed off at me but he wants this shit over with just as much as I do.
Yeah I got a wonderful family, as my nose just grew a mile long, lol.
Oh next month I need to see my shrink. I am using my Risperidal as a PRN and I am completely out of Latuda. I hope I lost weight at the same time I don't. I want to loss weight for self image but at the same time I don't want to end up back on Lithiam or Depicote because of the water retention those can cause. A shrink I had at an outpatient intensive care clinic said Latuda has a minimum weight requirement, I forgot what that weight was but I hope I am not close enough to it for a new Shrink to want to put me back on the weight gain crap.
As far as I know Latuda is the only weight neutral Bi-polar med out there, and I am already on a weight gainer like Risperidal, So please Shrinks across the world find a Bi-polar meds that is weight neutral and does not need you to be the size of a freaking house.
Ok, besides being totally insane, and needing a Dom who knows the Psychology of the world to handle me. I'm really a nice person. Let's put it this way, my Bark is worst then my IDK, I am not at all physical. Really it's just my verbal attacks that require me to be pretty much sudaded at times.
oh I can just imagen how crazy this hole thing is. I don't even know if I am even going to find humor in my own torture or if I am going to be discusted in myself. Oh well, Not that I give a shit right now.
Oh right beside my Journal page I saw a question should a child be adored?.
It depends, I was an overly sensitive child before my loving family scudded me up. So I would have to suggest pay close attention to the difference in responds, if the child is laughing but sounds like a nervous laughter at a young age, or the child says they don't think they like something instead of saying for sure of their dislike, you might be over looking at an overly sensitive child, or a naturally submissive child, that is trying to please you even at their own expanse of self.
Yes Natural submissive can be born submissive without environmental influence however the envirment can cause personality disorders when a submissive child is being treaded aggressively, or at least all this is from personal experience.
But then this analyzes is coming from one with a mental illness and there for may be delusional to some extent, not the personal experience of course but the thought and understanding as to what caused the ending result.
Yes under sleep dep my own crazy analyses of life comes up. I have a feeling this is going to be long, lol, as if it is not already.
Oh lets see what else can I analyse to no end. The cool this also about this is under sleep dep I suddenly turn my complicated ideas into simple KISS. Keep it simple stupit. yeah when I am not sleep dep I make everything complex but under sleep dep I simplify things. Don't know if that is symptomatic or what, think it might be.
If you think about it Under psyc drugs a patient can be in a type of sedation. I am currently out of one Psyc drug and running low on another, so the needed sedation is only present currently after the desprit need to be calmed, so for the most part my mind is having to compensate for the mental illness in order to fuction properly, and there for complexity becomes a second nature to a simple submissive which causes stress sense the complex mind is a learn mind instead of a natural mind, I don't think that made sense to some had hell explain that last part. oh well do me a favor if you will please do not message me about this entry. I can tell by the sudden change in thought that I maybe currently in some form manic. Manic Depression became Bi-polar 1 at least in my case.
oh enough diving into the fucked up world of my mind. Even I don't understand it in here,lol. Here being my mind lol.
Ok whatever. buzzzz. Manic..... stop, change subject.... buzzzz. hmm... buzzzz.... squealing brakes... crash fallowed by big sound BANG. and now we get the nice song that gets stuck in my head "Kill Bill". smokeage (cigarettes crazy person I've got a career to think about, why do people always think that when I say Smoke age, well really a Certified paper that leads to a crappie job that I am going back to school to get out of a Shitty ass job). I am thinking Biologist. I had a friend of mine suggest being a Shrink, my responds to him was Yes now who's going to tell the other person their issues, lol. The Bi-polar Shrink or the person just getting over a divorce, lol. Me personally I would rather hear from the person being divorced then a Bi-polar Shink who's mind can be questioned due to a mental illness. reason: one is temporarily insane while the other is permanently insane.
in reality I am really wanting to go for Marine Biologist, the reason is that I have lived most of my life around the Gulf and I never felt more at peace then when I used to go to the brown ugly Beaches of Galveston, and then when my Husband took me to Florida and I saw blue water, like you see on the discovery channel.
Yay 2 more hours!!!
can anyone roll me a cigarette my husband's already in bed and I can't roll one myself.
Oh well There is enough miny rollies in the ashtray if I need to ( I know, I don't need to smoke, I want to smoke. easy enough for some one who doesn't have bad nerves, and thanks to the rest of us there is a multy million dollar industry that sells thousands of useless quit smoking products a day) I could use my husband's needle nose plyers.
I have a roommate and hopefully a gf coming to stay on the 2nd, I can't wait both on the personal and financial levels.
Yes she is OK with being a unicorn, third person in a threesome and in fact she is wanting this to be a three way love triangle. Hey, I'm cool with it as long as she doesn't try anything funny toward my marriage, though I don't think she will simply because she is submissive toward males, and I trust my dom not to replace me. In fact I trust him with my very life.
She has even volunteered that after the OBGyn check up to see why in the past 4 years no pregnancy, hell I have never been pregnant, She has volunteered to be a sergeant, which though I am very thankful that she is offering her womb if mine comes up broken I would try to conceive if it's a simple problem that can be fixed without the risk of a multiple pregnancy. Twin and Triplets are fine but nothing like sextuplets. and if I end up with Triplets then I want to kill of any chance that the problem may be completely fixed by going to the extreme to assure no more. Three to maybe 5 kids at the most, but for the 4th and 5th child would propyl be unexpected. Pretty much 3 kids is all I really want. Hell I might just be happy with the first two. I know I don't want a single child because I was an only child. My loving brother is really my half-brother, raised by his mother in Germany, so we really never got that close sibling relationship.
Well, even though I was aiming for 2pm I think between 1:15 and 1:30 which would mean around 9pm would be an ok time to wake up however I am in sleep depth with my body so hopefully it's more like 1am that I wake up, and tomorrow Night I start going to sleep at a decent time instead of whenever.
back when I was working I worked Night Shift and Evenings for whatever reason I have never been a morning person. Granted my last Shrink would say because of the mental illness I should be on a regular schedule. Sorry shrink I don't believe that my mental statues is so bad that my own wishes to stay up late and sleep when I want to should be denied and I am forced on a schedule. First I am not working, Second School is not until January, Third I am not able to take both meds, nor am I able to get a new script for them and besides when I was able to take my meds daily they were bedtime scripts, not any other schedule for them.
That reminds me, I am going to hate the first 2 to 3 weeks of being back on regularly. While my body is adjusting to the meds again I will be Zombie.
The good news my Risperidal will be regulated, and the right amount will be rediscovered. With Risperidal I have learned you can build up a tolerance to a certain level however if the drug is not in your system daily your tolerance for it drops.
Ok got to go. GN
