Jaxiam

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	About Jaxiam Looking once more. What do I seek? - Someone I can communicate with. Leave the rote responses at the door. I want to ~know~ my partners. Let them know me. - Commitment. If we open our lives to one another, lets try to make it last. - Exploration. There's a lot out there to experience. In the world and in our relationships. I'm not a prize, I'm not a catch, and I'm not Mr. Right. I'm a man. Often I'm very sensitive and attentive, sometimes I am not. I have strong opinions, and I state them firmly. I have expectations in a relationship. I know the ones I will not bend from, and I know where I can adjust. We all adjust a little as relationships grow. But creating a stable foundation is understanding the core beliefs and holding to them. From these things everything else will rise, as uniquely as the people involved. That said.. What do I seek? Friends. Everything else grows from friendship. Lets be friends awhile, the rest takes care of itself.

"I will never ask a dominant for his collar or to consider me." -undisclosed source.

This had to be one of the oddest things I've seen. Maybe it's just the way I look at things, but still, it's very odd to me.

First, I would have to assume that there is a potential for a relationship growing between the dominant and the submissive. There has been an exchange of views and desires, checking for compatability. Anything less than this is either pure club-sex attraction or chatroom fantasy. You can find yourself drawn to a person in an instant - but it takes much much longer to determine if they are suitable as a partner.

Second, once information has been passed there must be some sort of indication that going further would be welcome. I mean seriously.. it's a given that there wont be a relationship if your not compatable/drawn to each other.

Those two steps accepted as given, the question comes down to "why not"?

Are you too proud? Too afraid of being humiliated? Are you convinced it's the dominant's choice? Or is it that it should be done by the (insert gender here)?

Whatever the reason, I tend to disagree. Lets look at this list.

Too proud/Afraid of being humiliated :

While two seperate things, I lump the them both together. If the submissive is too proud, a lil humility and potential humiliation wont do them any harm. If they are afraid of being humiliated, this is a good indication of when their trust level with you has really begun to grow.

It's the Dominant's choice :

This is absolutely correct - it is the dominants choice. If they desire, they may extend themselves in a way that you may learn about them - their feelings, wants, outlooks, means and ways. The submissive may do the same or not, as they desire. The dominant can then - if they desire- make *known* to the submissive that there is a possibility/wanting of a relationship.
It's always the dominants choice to accept the surrender of another, just as it's the submissives choice to offer that surrender.

Gender based.... that's as serious or ridiculous as you want it to be. personally - pfft.

I look at it simply.. The submissive comes in supplication to seek training or to be accepted. The dominant chooses to accept the submissive into their life - or not. This shows *exactly* where the power of the relationship should lie. We all know that control and power must be given from the submissive to the Dominant. The submissives offers up power over themself - the Dominant takes it.

Those who wish to stand on the prince(ss)-pet-me principal of course are free to do so... preferably far far away from me.

Of course I'm speaking strictly for myself here - these lil journal entries are views of mine, not indicative of general community outlook. So if you dont like my views *shrugs* so sowwy.

I got a strange look when I mentioned once that I dont follow safe,sane, and consentual - nor Risk Aware Consentually Kinky - or any of the other mantra's out there. It's not that they are terrible ideas, they are not. It's not that I dont like to be limited, like every sane person I am. It's simply a matter of perspective.

Years back when I joined the bdsm community, safe sane and consentual was *the* way things were taught. Trying to learn, understanding that rules needed to be in place, I learned this creed at the same time I learned to swing my first flogger. It was fine, it was right, and it gave the community a sense of order and safety. That went on for many many years, but as the years piled up I started thinking more about what *I* felt as a person. Never mind a cute community catch-phrase, what was *my* belief system.

after awhile I codified it. Not because I wanted to lead or convert. Just the way my mind works. I've always been facinated with learning. I remember in school that we were taught the three R's - reading, writing, and arithmetic. Despite obvious spelling irregularities, this has always stuck. Sometimes it takes something like that to keep it in the brain. Well I wrote up my methodology to follow suit. Dubbing it the 4 R's in homage to that hallowed trinity to encourage learning.

So what are the 4 R's?

Respect - Respect your partners as feeling, caring people. They are feeling beings, have needs, wants and desires. Respect yourself. You can be your own worst critic, your own worst enemy. Respect the knowledge you have gained, and at the same time respect where you have not progressed as far. Respect the toys and tools that you use - the ways they can be implimented and the dangers that they can represent when used improperly or without due skill/experience. Respect is of vital importance, in all that we do.

Reasonability - There are many books, web pages, blogs, etc - on the myriad fantasies that people dream up concerning the lifestyle. Be reasonable. A reasonable person knows what is possible and what isnt. Be reasonable in your expectations. Understand that your partner may not be at a level you might wish to play/live at - understand that and either work slowly towards that level, or adjust to accomidate the reality of the situation. Be reasonable regarding your own abilities. A single class or weekend with a flogger doesnt make you an expert. Be aware of this and adjust your play to suit your own skill level as well. Being reasonable is important in all we as people do.

Rapport - Build a rapport with your partner. Understanding one another, your pasts, desires, levels of comfort, and so on - is vital to beginning and continuing a relationship with movement designed to be mutually fullfilling. Open communication is fundimental towards growing trust and commitment. While some PE relationships encourage obediance over discussion, there should always be a method for communication. A day, a ritual, a manner of begging. Even in this, you create a structure that allows you both to exist within a comforting framework that may help to deepen the rapport that you wish to share. A healthy rapport with your partner is an absolute necessity towards a successful relationship.

and lastly -that which ties all other things together..

Responsiblity - Be a responsible person. Responsible in your dealings with your partners, with your community, with your actions, and yourself. Accept that your actions *will* have consequences. Often times those consequences will affect others- some who depend on you, some who look up to you, some who love you. You should always strive to act in a responsible manner. When it comes to your toys, your scenes - responsiblity is key! Handle them in a responsible way. To do anything else is to open your partners and yourself up to possible life threatening injuries in some cases, or just as bad, complete loss of respect and confidence in your abilities. Be responsible in your play, but dont forget inbetween sessions as well.
If you claim to be a Owner, understand what that means. You are claiming a responsiblity for another person. DONT NEGLECT THAT RESPONSIBILITY. This is a grave trust. one easily broken. It's up to you to see you uphold your end of this. No one else can do it for you.
If you desire to be owned, understand what that means. You are surrendering control of your life into another's hands. THIS DOES NOT REMOVE RESPONSIBILITY FROM YOUR HANDS. You have a duty to do this in a responsible manner. Don't make messes of your life then toss them all in another's lap and expect them to handle it all. Be responsible for your own actions. Understand that surrendering to another and making them your dysfunction-clean up crew are completely seperate things.
In all things be responsible people first. It is then that you can be responsible partners and kinksters.

And there you have it. Why do I say that I dont follow Safe Sane and Consentual? Because I follow my own path. Is it a better mantra? Not really. It's just a way of viewing things that fit well with my mindset, my choices - in living, playing, chosing partners, in all I do basically. Do I get a gold star every time? Hardly. But I never stop trying.

talking with a friend seeking an introduction to a new partner got me to thinking the other day. During the course of our conversation, she related how she submitted a list of references for her new partner to consult but was worried they might not be sufficient because they were strictly local/not community reknown.

Why this struck me as funny and yet odd was simple. I cannot recall the last time - anytime - I've ever given a list of references when I asked someone out on a date. Not once. Nor has it been expected.

Ahh but that was in the vanilla days, some say. The community of power exchange and kinky play requires more safety... cause, you know, there arent any predators in vanilla world.. Who's fooling who?   Nor is it true that you can be "more hurt" in the lifestyle than in regular dating. Sorry, someone doesnt have to call themselves a "dominant" to be abusive. That sort of thing, sadly, has been going on outside the community just fine.

Now I'm not saying asking for references is a bad thing. In many ways I can see it is very much the opposite. This is especially true if you are "playing the field" in regards to local dungons and community meets.   However I dont really think of it in that regard. I dont tend to think of it as "a lifestyle" - that calls to mind trendy drinks and club hopping. It's just the dynamics of my prefered relationships. Because I really dont have any desire to spank asses down at the local club. I want someone who wants me. A relationship in every sense of the word. A love affair, a friendship, a partnership. Someone to share time with, explore what lays around us. and it's HER ass I want to spank at the local club. Play is just a small part of the whole package.

Am I known in the local community? Of course, to some. Can people ask around? Feel free. But it's far more important to me that we learn of each other *from* each other first and foremost.   Opening hearts and minds with patience and lots of laughter by preference.

I just dont hold much stock in the opinions of the herd. Does that mean I have a bad reputation? Not that I'm aware of - but I've seldom asked about myself. I do know of one local who is a very safe, very loving, very decent player, with a terrible reputation for quite some time because of the slander of a submissive he started to get close to, but who just didnt resonate with him. The problem with the herd mentality is simple. People will believe things if they are shouted loud enough and long enough. That's the power of gossip.

And right there, is why I've always had a proble with 'references'.... It's just gossip. It's not a piece of paper certifying a class. It's not a dry, documented employment history. It's Sally say's this about them, or Bob heard they are into that..

Just gossip. And gossip, in personal regards, is the same as gossip at the workplace, or in politics - it's bound to be 75% made up misrepresentations.

Now.. all this said. I wish there was a way to more easily track predators. (aside from you know... permanently dying their heads green - preferably after removal - not that I'm prejudiced against the poor missunderstood scumbags) I suppose that because of such people, things like this are needed. At least it's something. But it's a silly practice for a serious problem.

And as far as the people knowing what they know. "Is Bob a fireplay expert?" *thinking back to the many times bob affirmed via talking not demonstrating that he knew about it* "oh yes, he's one of the community experts".   Someone tells you that XXX knows how to swing a flogger or tie a rope, doesn't mean they acutally know how to swing a flogger or tie a rope. What is preceived about a person and what is truth are often two completely seperate things. Want to know about someone's skills - really know? Sit down, preferably for a number of weeks and months prior too playing and talk with them. If they play with others regularly - ask to attend if that would be acceptable and observe them.

Since play is part of the relationship for me - build the relationship, and talk - slowly work into play. try light things. Maybe the Domly one is "Lawd of all BDSM knowledge and skills" but if they really care about you they will accept taking things 'one smack at a time'.

Give the relationship time to grow and mature with knowledge and understanding of one another, and you will be the only reference you ever need.

JaxSoulMasters Dominant Couple, 33, Jacksonville, Florida	Jaxtraveler Male Dominant, 57, Jacksonville, Florida	jaxflblkm Dominant Couple, 35, Atlanta, Georgia	jaxon07 Male Submissive, 58, pdx-salem, Oregon
JaxMasterE Male Dominant, 45, Jacksonville, Florida	jaxkai Female Submissive, 46, jacksonville, Florida	jaxbondageboi Male Submissive, 22, jacksonville, Florida	JaxDriver Male Dominant, 46, Jacksonville, Florida
JaxDom Male Dominant, 49, Jacksonville, Florida	Jaxmaster Male Dominant, 32, Jacksonville, Florida	jaxkink Male Switch, 46, Jax, Florida	jaxe Male Dominant, 46, new york

Jaxiam

About Jaxiam