This would be a boring entry for many except the few true friends who still think of me and wants to know what is happening. So here it goes.

1. I am on a business trip in Asia and using the opportunity to spend extra time with my family. Looking forward to a lot of good food and good time!

2. Things are going well with vanilla BF. He is now back home in Dubai; got a great new job  and is currently reorganizing his place so I can have more space for my stuff. I am still keeping my apartment but we are spending a lot of time together at his every day.

3.Bottom line... I am in love and really happy. :)

Updates - All going well with my vanilla relationship. BF is going through some personal crisis but I am firmly standing by him.  We are very close to reaching the end of the tough times. It had been testing enough by any standard but I am so happy that we are pulling it through together leading me to believe we can pull through anything together in the future. I am really happy.

I texted my ex Dom today and let him know if he would not accept me as a friend without being his slave then I wish him good luck. So we said good bye and removed each other from contact list. How do I feel? A bit strange really. Yet, this is the right step forward for both of us.

I realized my feelings for my last SM relationship has significantly changed in the past couple of days as I started chatting with a friend who helped me understand that instead of me thinking I was inadequate as his sub, it was really him who was not a capable of being a good Dom in the relationship. A good Dom should be more than a sadist. A good Dom needs to be a good leader capable of observing, processing, understanding and reacting to the actions and emotions of the sub/slave both in and outside of the scene. In addition, before a Dom can excise control of his sub, he must be able to control himself - his actions and emotions.  A Dom with a lost  temper, is a Dom without power; is a Dom consumed by frustration and, as such, can not earn/maintain the love and respect of his sub/slave.

---comments welcome---

I once loved a Dom

wanted to be His dream

dreamed of giving Him my life

But

I am a circle that doesn't fit into my square

My submission defeated by my self preservation

There there...

Setting myself 'free'

I set Him free

For I want Him not to be bent

by His love for me

For I want him to believe

there is someone out there for Him

better than me

 
I will always love Him

from a distance

It has been a while since I updated my journal. A few things happened in between.

1. I did commit to a D/s relationship with the Munich based Dom. Unfortunately, what appeared to be perfect match behind closed bedroom door could not be translated into a harmonious real world relationship. 

Great sex creates illusions:

• It make us believe we can live a happy life together outside the bedroom. This is not true. Life is  a lot more than sex, way too complex and involves way too many unpredictable variables. Makeup sex, no matter how great it feel at the moment, does not stop us from running into the next fight.
• It also makes us wonder if we can live a full life WITHOUT each other...which Him and i are both trying to figure out. I hope to be able to answer that and provide  an updates here sometime before I die.

2. I did take that layoff package and traveled to 9 different countries the last 3 months. These were exciting journeys and great adventures. A large part of the journey I was lucky (or unlucky) enough to share with my (now) ex-Dom.  We loved each other, but often we failed to understand each other, then we hated each other,  fought each other, we have tried, have failed, have tried again and then somehow somewhat somewhere started to get to know each other under the many layers of our appearances. It was a journey of discovery of each other and of ourselves. It was sad we are not together now, but I hope we did each come out of the relationship with him becoming a better Dom and me a better person (as I am no longer sure I want to be nor qualify to be a sub.). We might even possibly have found a life long friend in each other.

3. I am starting a vanilla relationship with a close friend of mine. At the moment I am just happy to know I can make my partner completely happy without having to worry about whether I can stretch my limits far enough to fulfill my Dom's demands. Yes, there was paramount joy in overcoming myself, my pain, my fears ...but maybe our everyday life does not need to be so hard.  There is great joy in simply holding hands with my vanilla partner knowing he indeed completely loves and wants me as who I am... no more, no less.

Have two pieces of news, not sure which one is bigger (or more shocking for the ones who know me well )... so here they  are by chronicle order: 

1. Decided to go back to Munich to spend 4 days with the guy I ran away from and then missed for 6 months;

2. Took a lay-off package and leaving my job end of the year - I feel truly happy to be free and breathing again;  Want to plan some travels, any suggestions  anyone?

Starting to see a Dom recently and really like him. Though not very experienced, he is  honest, sincere, full of enthusiasm and exuberant of warmth…

P.S. These are the exact words  in my head to describe him, though when I read them again I sounded like talking about someone newly taking up a job… hehehehe… yeah, I can be a handful sometimes. ;)

10:55pm Dubai time is when the Doms in Germany come online... last 3 viewers all in Germany? Why?

Just met someone cute and interesting today.

P.S.

I am in Dubai this week and  checking CM everyday. The only reason I am not replying to your email is I am not interested. So if I am not replying, stop writing me.

PP.S.

Does that sound rude?

Is in the mood to browse but not to search...for some reason I have not been a person of action lately.

Just received an email that started with a lot of compliments of my photos and ended with the question " are you from the Philippines ?'  ... well, nothing against the Philippines... BUT what does my email ID say? Guess a lot of men when looking at some naked fotos, everything else simply fade into big blur ... 

Preparing for another fun trip , leaving in 3 weeks. Very excited to see a new country I've never been before, however, this time I am going with a group of my Chinese friends so there is definitely nothing kinky planned. The goal is just to spend some relaxed beautiful time to appreciate nature's wonders.

I never cease to be amazed how badly people write their first contact emails. I just got one with a one liner that says "  I fuck like a dog..." so my first impulse was to reply " then you probably should go fuck a dog." Then I thought again, probably not,  poor animal has rights too. 

The point is I am not a sub seeking real malicious abuse. A few things I look for in a Dom and one of the first thing he needs to know is, for me,  the 'game ' of BDSM  is all about power exchange. Until I have come to trust a Dom enough to handover my power, I demand respect. As for me,  a Dom is only a Dom when He is recognized by the sub.

I am fine now... :)

After mid night , cannot sleep... memories flooding through me. It frustrates and confuses me as to why we remember certain things so well and subconsciously not letting them go even consciously trying to forget and move on.

Too any emails... decided to organize my personal email inbox by country of origin .  Is that bad? I think I sound terrible.

Just had a wonderful holiday in Denmark. What a beautiful  country to have a summer holiday (though somehow it rained a lot this year) !!!

I want to thank my new friend (well, if he should let me have the privilege of calling him as such) for being a big part of my perfect vacation.

Now I am bored of vacationing, time to get some work done!!

Warm greetings from Beijing! Good news is I can use the same VPN to access CM from China. The bad one is I find myself turning Doms away... maybe I am still not ready to come back out... I am trying and trying but I don't feel as 'fearless' as I used to.

Getting ready to fly home to China tomorrow for a 2 week holiday. Not sure I can access CM there... if not I guess I'd see you guys (virtually) when  I am back to Dubai (and before leaving for Copenhagen). Enjoy a good (kinky) summer! 

Got my DXB - CPH ticket today. Will be in Denmark August 26 - Sept 3. Any suggestions what I should do in Denmark?

Ok... here is what I am thinking at the moment about the holiday... I found a cheap direct flight ticket to Copenhagen... then I will spend 3 days in the city ... after that just take a car and drive 5 days in Denmark. It is a beautiful, clean and safe country... perfect for some solo adventures. Maybe I'd even run into some kinky Danes ;)

I am planning a week of overseas holiday during August 26 - Sept 3. Anyone has good suggestions where I should go?  Can anyone suggest a travel route for about 8 days? I have trouble staying in the same place for more than 3 days.

I am open to meeting up with local Kinksters for a coffee/lunch.. but the goal is to be a tourist and see the beautiful wonderful world we are living in.

For UAE based fellow kinksters, if you plan to travel during this Eid holiday week, please get in touch. Maybe if we like each other's company we can plan something together. Travel cost will be shared.

Please note, sex and play are not the goal of the trip, it may or may not happen depending on the chemistry.  Seeing beautiful place, having good food and experiencing the local culture are my focuses.

Removing the ban today... but I will take things very very slow and be really selective. Apologies if I am not answering your email... most likely your note has not made me tick so don't want to waste both our time. BTW, I almost always smell the right Dom from his profile and his first email.

Now back from Milan ... well as you can all guess... with a full case of new clothes.

Still banned; Well not banned really, just not feeling motivated looking and meeting new people :( I don't know what is wrong, guess just need more time. 

Yesterday, he SMSed asking me to meet him for a long weekend... first time after he deleted me from his blackberry messenger contact list. For a moment, I was honestly very very attempted and fantasized myself in his control again, but I eventually came back to reality; I cannot do it... probably just thinking about it is crazy enough.  So after 36 hours of struggling I said no. Maybe I can physically handle what he wants to do with my body, but I don't think I could look into his eyes... what would I see .. his emotions? his cool coldness? or emotions disguised in cool coldness, whichever way I won't be able to handle it.

I am feeling absolutely fine otherwise.

Setting myself a target... as soon as I am back from Milan I plan to remove the ban.  I would have mourned long enough. Life is a lot of things. He is moving on (good to know) and I need to move on too.

However, I am not saying I am going to jump right back into the pool...  After all that has happen with Him, I am no longer sure I am the 'delightful little sub' that I  believed I was. What if I hurt the next Dom the same way I hurt Him?  Or should I only see people who are just after a bit NSA fun (but really I cannot play with people I don't have a real connection with)? Or can I find a Dom who truly cares yet respect my mental and emotional boundaries while pushing my physical limits:

• No, I don't want to leave my marriage;
• I won't relocate;
• I don't do long distance; 
• I won't recruit other women for you; (BTW, I won't be recruited by other women neither... Dom need to contact me directly if they want to talk)
• I have no problem with you seeing other women, if that is the deal I will see other men too;

...I think that is just a glimpse of how terrible a sub I really am.  

Weekend is here  Yeh!!   Two things happened last week:

1. I am on the way to 'recovery'  - just booked intensive shopping weekend in/around Milan next weekend; Usually retail therapy can help in times of stress and difficulty ;)

2. I came across His new profile - he has a new one seriously looking for a long term partner... I am feeling a bit relieved to know he is probably already over it/us;  I have mixed feelings seeing my photos (body) among his many profile photos (there are other women too) - I would not have known it was his profile, had it not been these photos. Not sure, I like them or not...but anyway... I'd let him use them. Those were his 'work' anyway.

Feeling better today. Surprised to see two subscribers to my journal. I'd like to think everyone is already bored hearing me whining non-stop for the past month  (yeah right I did count the days, my bad).

Today, I baked a tray of blueberry muffins and invited the neighbor for tea. Then suddenly He jumped into my head for a second...  mmm.. I'd never have a chance to know if he'd enjoy my muffins - then I thought who knows if he'd care. 

Well, he always said there were two of me in the same body - the true submissive jade and Me as jade's guardian. While jade craves for him, I had the logical approach - took a step back, looked at all the variables and probabilities ... decided this would never work... then I ran away from Him taking jade with me. Jade and Him both hate me now. Though I tend to think it was the responsible thing to do... to have a secure controlled peaceful future for jade; and not to disappoint him in the long run (he has a lot of demands for a live-in sub, I am not sure those were for me and jade).  Truth be told, today I don't have great confidence in how truly submissive I am, jade is another story, though unfortunately here is no physical separation of us two.

I appreciate all you efforts to email me for friendship... but dear DOMs of the world... please understand... to try invite me to meetings now is like offering an banquet invitation to someone with a very upset stomach.

I need time to recover please...I will post again when I am ready.

Lost 4 kg in 5 days ...now with a firmer body and a somewhat clearer mind. :)

But still not ready to jump back into the 'dating pool'. I am lucky to have a few trusted friends who have been very supportive in my last 'emotional saga' by offering their different perspectives as well as practical help. I feel truly lucky to have such a great 'core support team' in my life.

For now,  I might reply to emails but the answers to any meeting (play or not) will be a 'NO'.

In detoxing and fasting  this entire week... wish me luck.

So yesterday, he texted me and offered me to meet him in a country between us.

I could not say yes, because I was afraid if I did go I'd never be able to pull myself out of the emotional entanglement. So I guess he got pretty pissed  and deleted me from his messenger contact list. I deserved that I suppose ...

Despite my repeated efforts to put something down, it is truly difficult to describe what really happened between me and the Dom I met in Munich. Just let me try again here...

We spent 6 days together between Munich and Dubai... extremely memorable and intense days when I was marked by Him, all over my skin and deep in my heart.  During these 6 days,  I gained many new perspectives of myself as a sub... He took me to a level that I never imagined I could achieve, both physically and emotionally.

But I had to leave Him... I gave Him many realistic and logical reasons, which He dismissed them (wisely? Or not?)  all as groundless excuses; Maybe I am really scared of where this could lead us to; scared of the many million uncertainties; scared of that unbelievable ‘thing’ which has hit us both so unexpectedly, in our utter unpreparedness and with such tremendous force.

I am deeply sorry that I have left Him miserable and   left myself a hole in my heart which I can feel just about every second.  Yet, I am still convinced it was the right decision (maybe not a good one ) and I am prepared to live through it.

Hope time will heal us both.

not in a good mood...

I had a great time in Munich ... something quite unexpected happened... I met someone extremely intriguing.  We have been seeing each other and it is getting really exciting yet somewhat scary where this could go...

So finally... I booked my ticket and hotel in Munich for BoundCon this coming weekend... I will be in Munich May 12 - 16! ;) Looking forward to a fantastic extended weekend with  my old friends and also hope to make some new ones too !!! :)

Had one interesting discussion with the young Dom on where the sub find her courage... that was one of the things we could not agree. I always felt encouraged when a Dom, while being mostly strict and demanding, also demonstrate kindness and understanding. For me a D/s relationship is more about intimacy built with a structured power hierarchy rather than a cold power hierarchy occasionally interrupted by intimacy.  I wonder if this makes sense to anyone here… 

Events of the last couple of days... After my Dom so graciously agreed I could start meeting others , I really did. Even tried a session with a beautiful young Dom, but there were certain mismatching of style, so I don’t think we will meet again. In the meantime, my Dom is finally back in town. Being next to him again gives me mixed feelings… on one hand, I love every minute of it, on the other hand I am afraid I’d be devoured by my passion for Him.

Thanks for all the feedback on my April 9 posting.  Spoke to Him today... Will start to meet other Doms in Dubai... for coffee... and see how thing go...

Thank you all for all the support.

Some recent statistics...

• 24 new emails the last 3 days;
• Half of them Americans;
• Half of the Americans over 50 (who obviously could not/did not care to read through my profile )
• Most of the over-50s offered me financial support;
• Half of the over-50s also offered American citizenship;

Comments:

- Again, I shall not relocate;   

- Meanwhile, I'd like to actively avoid American citizenship,  if only to avoid US tax; I honestly don't understand why  American expats need to pay tax on income over $80K while the rest of us expats don't .

I need a 2nd opinion please...

If my Dom only managed to see me twice in the past month and twice the month before, should I tell him I  feel maybe we are just not meant to be together... 

I am starting to feel uneasy about all the waiting though at heart I am still very much committed to him at this moment.

I won't rush to conclusions but I 'd like to have some clarity.

Decided to go on diet this week... which in my case actually means eating well ... eating the right food, at the right time and right portion... so a lot of home cooking to do tonight!! :)

I am thinking about changing my job.. use some time traveling if I can ... treking in the clearest  mountain air and diving in the bluest waters... anyone wanna come?

I am happy and very proud of my Dom competing in the triathlon this week... but also a tiny little bit sad not being able to see Him this week :(

 back in the UAE.. patiently waiting for her new Dom to have time to see her... oh.. all that sweet bitter waiting...

Rome is a great place... good fun !!