izzykitty

Is there a market for masochists with chronic pain disorders? I'm so very tired of people going running. Being used up and thrown away like so much trash. All I can give is my promise to try. All I can give is my promise to be honest and communicate how things effect me. All I can promise is that I want to make you happy. I can't promise that my body will hold up under any activity I haven't tried yet. I can't promise I'll always be able to take being hit full out. I'm a long distance runner, not a sprinter. I can't promise perfection. No one can. I'm so tired of not being good enough. I'm so tired of me being something no one wants. Even when I express a willingness to try...to change...to broaden my experiences and push my limits...it's still not good enough. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do. I can't live without being hurt. I can't exist in a relationship where the other person isn't in charge. But I can't make any people in the lifestyle happy. I will never be a slave girl. I will never be someone you can simply fucking destroy physically. I will never be timid or meek or quiet. But I will always want to make people happy and to be hurt. Which sets me completely stuck in some sort of awful limbo where I'm screwed coming and going...

Some days you just want to curl in a little ball in someones lap and be petted. Today is one of those days. Unfortunately, it's just not meant to be lately. Bleh.

Okydoke. Offically going to be living in Cary as of the end of November. Spending most of my time in Cary until then anyway but official address change will be Dec. 1st. Whoop-de-doo. *headdesk* Anyone wanna be my friend? Maybe meet up for lunch or coffee or people watching or anything? Desperate for friendships and validation? Who? Me? Certainly not! However could you think that?!

Ok. So talk was had. Ex-bf will be getting his stuff out by the time I get back from my parent's house on Sunday. There is a 90% chance I will be moving back to Cary. Which isn't ideal but there's not really much other option at the point. Timeline is still needs to be determined though. Bleh.